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#happy (late) bi awareness day
lg-ball-t · 2 years
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hesperdern · 4 months
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Could I request some childhood friends dynamics with the Lin Kuei, Johnny and Kenshi if that's not too much? I feel like all of them have troubled pasts and I'm interested in what you think their dynamic with their childhood love was like!
⊹˚⋆ જ ꒰ 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗟𝗜𝗡 𝗞𝗨𝗘𝗜 𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗢 ♥︎ 𝗖𝗛𝗜𝗟𝗗𝗛𝗢𝗢𝗗 𝗙𝗥𝗜𝗘𝗡𝗗𝗦 𝗛𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗖𝗔𝗡𝗢𝗡𝗦 ꒱ જ ⋆˚⊹
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↳ 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴/𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀: I described some scenarios I imagine might have happened with them in childhood/teenagehood. So, they're about 9 to 18 y.o.(depending on the situation). I'll make a second part with Johnny and Kenshi. And I'm sorry it took so long🙏🥹 ✦ gn reader ✦ 𝘄𝗰: 1,6k
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┋୨୧ You were an unstoppable gang in the village. Four kids who could find trouble for themselves in a minute. Well, in truth, you were the one who caused them. And brothers just supported you (mostly saved you).
"I've got it!" You yelled out and almost jumped in place.
"What now, (reader)?" Little Bi-Han asked, waiting for your another brilliant idea.
After defeating a few ferocious dragons (in reality, just some overgrown bushes), you decided to take a rest under the cover of a large tree. Bi-Han lay down on his back, his hands shielding his eyes from the bright sunlight, while Tomas and Kuai Liang sat beside him.
With a grin on your face, you began to poke at each of your friends in turn, uttering the words, "Chill Reaper, Toaster Terror, Puffy Tomie and… Boss Babe!" You pointed your thumb at yourself and crossed your arms in a cool pose, quite satisfied.
"Seriously?!" These words made Bi-Han sit up. "How did you even come up with these nicknames? It doesn't make any sense! And why are you the Boss?"
Bi-Han, who was the eldest among you, firmly believed that he should have the authority. However, everyone was aware that the true leader was you. Three of you went along with his antics for the sake of keeping him happy.
"Come on, Bi-Han, it sounds nice. Quite... dangerous," Kuai Liang interrupted, supporting you, though his face showed that he wasn't exactly impressed.
"Don't take their side! Have you forgotten how this ended last time?" Bi-Han got on his feet and walked over to you. "Everyone is starting to think we're some kind of freaks!”
You rolled your eyes and pulled the boy's cheek, which made him cry out "Ouch!". He started pulling your cheek as well.
"That's enough! We are Lin Kuei's ninjas, and we must behave like them,” Kuai Liang shouted, standing between the two of you. "And the things people are saying about us lately really don't seem to be pleasant, (reader). Father doesn't like it."
You and Bi-Han stopped and turned apart. You felt guilty because their father influenced you as well.
"Forgive me, Kuai Liang," You bowed slightly. "I only meant to take your mind off all these responsibilities.”
Kuai Liang smiled peacefully and embraced you in return. Bi-Han, on the other hand, huffed, looking upset.
"'Um...Why am I ‘Puffy Tomie’?” A cute voice suddenly inquired. Tomas, whose gray hair reached almost to his shoulders, stood before the three of you.
"Because your blood will never be Lin-”
"No, Bi-Han!" You shouted and throwed yourself at him again, trying to cover his mouth with your hand.
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┋୨୧ After a long day of classes and training, you decided to take a break and headed out to a secluded clan’s courtyard nearby.
"Please, you shouldn't push yourself so hard, Tomas,” You said, crouching down beside him, seeing that his face was too pale.
"I'm fine,” He looked at you, sounding a little anxious. “I'll just take a seat for a moment.”
“Hmm…” You leaned closer to him and kissed his forehead, the touch lingering for a moment. It felt hot. “Are you sure? I think you have a fever.”
Tomas couldn't move or say anything anymore. He was just seated, all red. Did you… just kiss him? It seemed like he almost fainted.
"Kuai Liang! I think Tomas is sick!" You screamed, not realizing the feelings behind your friend's reaction.
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┋୨୧ When you were a child, your relationship with Bi-Han was like the flame of a fire that first burned brightly and then diminished over time. And so in a circle.
But with Kuai Liang, it was the opposite. It was like dancing on solid ice, moving gracefully but with a hint of danger. Even when he opposed some of your actions, he always knew how to say it in a gentle and caring way. He knew how to balance that out with love and protection.
And maybe, just maybe, Bi-Han was jealous. A little bit.
"Watch this, brother," Bi-Han whispered under his breath. In fact, you two weren't so different when it came to mischief.
Suddenly, he offered you to practice with him and his brothers.
"Can you join us?" He asked you, and you immediately detected something unclean in his tone. "We need equal teams. Two on two.”
"I know how to count, Bi-Han.”
“Wow, and here I thought you could only count up to your fingers and toes, Dumb Babe.”
"Ha!" You crossed your arms. "I'm not falling for your provocation! Besides, you know I can't join you since you're being trained separately in magic. Or did the ice completely freeze your brain, Noob-Zero?”
"You-" He had a chance to continue this fight, but decided to give in for the sake of his plan. "We are family. We can't do this without you. Father won't know about this. I've made sure of it.”
As the four of you made your way away from all prying eyes to the lake, your hearts couldn't help but race.
"You need to knock the apple off the other person's head, like this," Bi-Han said and placed an apple on Tomas's head. Then he stepped back and created a small ice knife. "Just don't move, Tomas.”
"Are you sure it's-" You asked, and at that very second, Bi-Han launched his knife that hit the apple. As the apple fell to the ground, you rushed to the trembling Tomas to offer your support. "It's crazy, Bi-Han!”
“Don't be so soft. It hardens him as a warrior,” Bi-Han looked at Kuai Liang, "Now it's your turn. (reader) has agreed to be on the team with you.”
"What?" Kuai Liang said, and you looked at each other with shocked eyes. "I don't remember us being lectured about such exercises.”
"Are you afraid to embarrass yourself in front of the (reader)?" The mockery in his tone was direct.
You sigh and place the second apple on your head, "Let's just get this over with." With great hesitation, Kuai Liang striked the apple, but it started to burn. Right on your head. You started screaming and he ran to you, but accidentally tripped and the two of you fell into the water.
"Bi-Han is so... argh!” You growled, as you and Kuai Liang towel off the water later. It driped down both of your faces and bodies. “I knew he was lying! Next time I'm going to-“
Kuai Liang watched you rant, listening patiently as you blew off the steam.
"Next time nothing," Kuai Liang said soothingly. "I will not let you rush off to get injured again, (reader). We need to be smarter.”
"You always protect him.”
“I understand your feelings, and he's earn them, but… Lately, father has been putting a lot of pressure on him. This is probably how he tries to cope with it.”
Kuai Liang sat next to you in silence. His warmth slowly seeped into your fingers. Not hot, but perfect to comfort you. 
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┋୨୧ Coming of age didn’t pleased Bi-Han. The responsibility he carried became ever heavier, and the preparations for the celebration only added to it. You felt the tense atmosphere in the clan and decided to visit his chambers before the “big show”.
“I do not wish to be interrupted.”
"Relax, it's me,” You entered after a brief knock. His attention was focused on his reflection in the mirror, attired in the ceremonial blue robes. Yet, his hair remained messy.
"Why are you here?” Bi-Han’s expression was harsh but his guard had dropped a bit.
You approached him and stood next to him, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay… If everything's under control."”
“I have everything handled,” He huffed, shaking his head. You could always tell when he was annoyed due to the slight chill he gave off.
"Yes, I can see that,” You respond with a slight smirk, taking a rubber from a small table. You gathered his hair into a bun and left a single strand dangling in front, just as he likes it. Bi-Han moved slightly closer to you. A small smile forms upon his lips but it's very faint.
"You look wonderful," You looked at the mirror's reflection. You can't help but be distracted by how beautiful he is. "Maybe I should ask for such an outfit for my birthday too. But not blue... What do you think?”
His eyes scanned you from top to bottom before they narrowed as he seemed to contemplate what you've said, “You look lovely in every type of clothing.”
Such words make you glance away. " Oh, well, thank you...”
"It's the truth.”
“Alright, alright. I appreciate it, but this is your day."
Bi-Han took a brief moment to compose himself before reaching up and patting your head. Just as he touched your hair, someone knocked on the door. It was Sector.
“Am I interrupting?” As he saw the scene, he seemed taken aback.
"No, of course not! I have to go anyway… See you later," You offered a brief goodbye to both of them, before exiting the room and leaving the two alone.
“What is it, Sector?” Bi-Han turned towards Sector, his expression harsh once more; he tried not to sound annoyed.
“Your father wants to see you,” A sly smile played on Sector's lips, and he continued: “But I see it's a very bad time. You and your future consort-’
“They are not my future consort! How many times do I have to say that?” He was clearly infuriated and embarrassed. ”That subject is no longer to be discussed.”
“As you wish… But you cannot hide your secret love for them anymore.”
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𝗺𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁
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aemondsbabe · 3 months
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Two Souls, Entwined
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summary: dreams & dirty talk || helaena has been plagued with visions; things between her and her lady in waiting finally reach a boiling point
pairing: helaena targaryen x f!reader
warnings: mature/explicit, 18+ (minors dni!), no use of y/n, afab reader, wlw, mutual pining, angst but happy ending, dry humping, breast/nipple play, dirty talk but make it poetic and loving, slight aegon slander i broke my own heart, i love helaena sm, there needs to be more content for her i love her, let me know if i missed anything!!
word count: 4.1k
a/n: happy day ten of 12 days of smuff!! i'm actually very excited/proud of this one, it got a lot more personal than i was expecting! really feeding that scared bi girl i was in middle school idk. i hope y'all enjoy it!!!
12 days of smuff masterlist!
gif creds to @merrypembertons
likes, comments, & reblogs are very appreciated but never required!
🌟add yourself to my taglist to be notified when i post new fics!
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Helaena sighs when she opens her eyes and blinks, disoriented by the early morning light, her head still clouded with sleep. 
“Your friend is not a friend yet not your foe…” She whispers to the emptiness of her chambers, the cryptic phrase a familiar one now as it had been making its home in her head for the past few weeks. 
Sitting up with a groan, she pauses at the edge of her bed, staring blankly ahead as the cloudy figures from her dream seem to swirl around her still. She was growing frustrated with the shadowy shapes, as much as she hated to admit it – she did not often enjoy her dreams, they often brought news of unpleasant tidings, secrets that she alone seemed expected to bear, but for the past few weeks her dreams had been… pleasant. Joyous, in fact. Yet they seemed much further away than the others, only revealing small slivers of information to her night after night. 
She smiles softly as she gives one last glance out the window before padding over to the vanity in her chambers, determined to brush out her hair before the maids have the chance, they were always too rushed and hurried. Her mind drifts back to her dream as she runs a comb through her fair hair; lately, this mysterious dream seemed to be the only thing she could focus on for very long. 
The figure in it seemed so familiar, moving around her as if it was an old friend, someone safe. She sighed again as she thought, blushing despite herself as she recalled her latest vision, remembering how the shadow had moved about her, as if in a courting dance, before it leaned in closely, though if it were for a kiss or to whisper a secret she didn’t know. 
“Your friend is not a friend yet not your foe.” She repeats, as if the repeating will somehow reveal more. 
It puzzles her greatly, the feelings of safety mixed with distinct romantic desire, a deep wanting from somewhere within her. There aren’t many people she even feels safe around, and even less so those she’d ever felt romantic longing for, and a much shorter list followed of people who had ever felt romantic longing for her. She feels secure around her mother, of course, and grandsire and her precious younger brothers, but she cannot help but wrinkle her nose with disgust at the thought of romantic intent with any of them.
She blinks, setting her hairbrush down and biting her lip as she thinks. I feel safe with Aegon, she ponders, brows knitting together, He’s never given me a reason to not feel safe but… She sighs, not bothering to finish the thought. She was well aware her marriage was one of politics, not of love. She remembers there had been whispers of many suitors when she’d finally come of age; everyone from Aegon and Aemond to her half-sister’s bastard sons had been considered, and though Helaena appreciated some more than others… she didn’t desire any of them. 
Before she can help herself, her blue eyes flit over her own curves as she gazes at herself in the mirror, wishing, as she had so many times before, that she could reach out and feel her own reflection – feel a mirrored twin with similar soft skin and supple flesh. She wishes that soft, delicate fingers could touch her as well; she had grown tired of rough, battle worn touches long ago. 
Someone I feel safe with and feel romantic longing for, she thinks again, blinking rapidly as a familiar face immediately springs to mind yet again, just as it had every time she’d pondered this mystery for the last few weeks, only growing more frustrated. It can’t be, she’d decided that long ago, long before this vision began. 
But...
The Gods only ever seemed to show her visions that were assured, that would come to fruition, one way or another. Maybe… maybe that meant that y–
No, she thought, locking eyes with her reflection, Don’t be ridiculous. 
She smiles as she hears her chamber doors opening, at the same time they do every morning, and turns around on the ornate, cushioned chair at her vanity, her eyes locking with your familiar ones as you waltz it. 
“Good morning, Princess,” her heart beats a mite faster at the sound of your voice, at the bright smile that graces your lips as you stride to her, “I trust you slept well?”
“Good morning, sweet friend,” she greets you brightly, standing and pulling you into a hug as she did every day, “I did, quite peacefully, actually. And you?” She asked, trying to ignore the small voice that longed to hold you more closely, as she did everyday. 
“I did as well,” your hand lingers in hers for a moment as she steps away, sitting back at her vanity as the maids arrive, instantly fluttering around the two of you like a kaleidoscope of butterflies, “After we break fast, would you like to come to the gardens with me?”
Helaena merely nods, though inside she buzzes, her heart fluttering like a bird’s wings. 
I would follow you into the Seven Hells, she longs to say. 
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You wake with a small start, your hand instantly flying to your lips. You could swear they still tingle for a second from when she’d kissed you, just before you’d woken up. Blushing, you glance around your chambers, as if there would be anyone else there, and finding them empty leaves you both relieved and disappointed all at once. 
Sighing, you slide off of your plush bed and walk over to your small vanity and use the small wash basin to splash water on your face. A small thrill shoots up your spine as you glance over your shoulder in the mirror, knowing from the position of the light filtering through your windows that it’s nearly time to go find your friend. 
Friend.
It’s a funny word, you think, not one you would have imagined assigning to the princess all the many years ago when you’d arrived at King’s Landing, young and eager to be a lady in waiting for Helaena. You can’t help the smile that blooms on your lips each time you think of her, your quiet, captivating princess. You meet your own gaze in the mirror and frown, looking at yourself in the way a disappointed parent would look at a child. 
Not yours, you chide, like repeating it over and over would make it hurt any less, Not yours, not yours, not yours. 
Sighing yet again, you rise from your spot at the vanity and quickly grab your robes, eager to escape your own thoughts. 
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“This one is the iphiclides podalirius,” Helaena says, her voice soft as she marvels at the delicate butterfly perched on the back of her hand, “More commonly called the scarce swallowtail, I believe. It’s truly remarkable, normally they don’t travel this far north, though I’m told they’re a common sight in the gardens of Sunspear.”
“Then we are quite lucky to see it,” you smile, setting your embroidery hoop on the bench beside you as you study the yellow and black striped insect, though your eyes seem to drift to the princess on their own; you can’t help but smile as you see the way her beautiful sapphire eyes light up as she examines the small creature, “It’s very beautiful.”
Like you, you think, swallowing down the words. 
“Would you like to hold her?” Helaena asks, looking at you hopefully. 
As always, you nod, aware that you were the only one who seemed to entertain her fascination with insects and plants. Selfishly, you liked that. 
Slowly and carefully, Helaena guides the butterfly onto the back of your hand; the two of you sitting close together, close enough for your shoulders to press together. A giggle leaves you at the feel of the insect's feet on your skin, so small and light, like tiny, faint kisses.  
“Perhaps she was drawn to the hydrangeas,” the princess muses, “Those are new this year, though I suppose any of the other very colorful plants would spark her fancy as well, like the lilac or poppies or…”
It takes you a second to notice that she’s gone quiet next to you and you finally tear your gaze away from the butterfly, frowning slightly when you see the look on her face, her blue eyes hazy and unfocused as they flit back and forth like she’s watching figures you cannot see. 
“Princess?” You ask softly, reaching out to take her hand, only halfway aware of the butterfly fluttering away, “Helaena?” You ask again, a bit louder, gripping her hand tighter. 
“Your friend is not a friend yet not your foe…” She whispers, so faintly that the words scarcely leave her lips. Your frown only deepens, your eyebrows knitting together as you shake your head, trying to make sense of her words. 
“What?” You ask softly, used to hearing her mutter odd phrases but seeing her in a trance was something altogether different, “Helaena? Should I go fetch the maester?” You don’t know why you ask her, not expecting a response. 
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The figure danced in front of her again, clouded in darkness, though instead of feeling cold and empty like the dark so often did to her, these shadows hugged Helaena like a blanket. 
She blinked, and suddenly everything changed, becoming clear as if she’d blinked away tears. The clarity was startling for a second as the edges of the figure sharpened before her, still leaning toward her as if it meant to whisper an amorous secret.
Finally, her eyes focused and in that moment, she felt as if she could be knocked over by the air current made from the flittery wings of a butterfly. 
You. 
It was you, just as she’d always suspected, standing before her as if you’d always been there. 
Your friend is not a friend yet not your foe. The phrase repeats in her mind like a mantra as she stares at you, marveling at the way you stare at her. 
Like she’s precious, something to be fawned over. Something to be… loved? 
Her heart hammers wildly in her chest as she reaches out, her fingers finally skimming over your cheek. 
She could cry, perhaps she is crying, she doesn’t know. The only thing she’s sure of is that this feels so right, like a puzzle piece within her has finally shifted and slotted into place. 
Just as it crosses her mind to lean in and kiss you, the vision falls away, words echoing in her mind as the gardens come back into focus.
Not a friend. 
Not a friend.
Not a friend.
Yet...
Not a foe. 
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“Helaena, please!” You beg, urgency coating your voice as you lean in closer, closer than you’d ever dared before, praying to see some spark of recognition in the princess’s eyes. 
Suddenly, she seems to come back to herself, gasping as you jump back away from her, startled. 
“Oh!” She breathes, blinking a couple times before her blue eyes finally fix themselves on you, “I’m so sorry, I don’t… I don’t know what came over me.”
You shake your head quickly, moving back toward her and taking her hands in yours once more, your heart twisting as you notice them trembling slightly. “There’s no need to apologize, I’m just happy you’re alright.” 
The two of you sit in silence for a moment, Helaena staring at you in a way that makes your cheeks heat up, as if she’s seeing you for the first time, before she seems to catch herself and look away, much to your disappointment. 
“Was that one of your dreams?” You ask softly, looking down to where her hand rests within yours. 
“Yes.” She says simply, her eyes locked on the way your fingers overlap hers as she desperately tries to ignore the voice in her head telling her to enterwine them. 
“What did you see?” You ask, catching her gaze again. There’s a fire in her eyes now that makes you shiver. 
She’s quiet for a moment, neither of you so much as breathing as you stare at each other – the princess looking at you so intently you wonder if she’s trying to hear your thoughts. You pray she can’t. 
“Nothing of importance,” she says finally, pulling her hands away and standing from the bench suddenly, “They’re just shapes, really. Fuzzy things.”
“Alright,” you smile as you stand with her, picking up your embroidery hoop from where it had been abandoned at your side, “If you ever wish to discuss them, I would be more than happy to listen.” You tell her, desperately wanting to hold on to whatever moment you had just shared with her. 
She merely nods with a small, soft smile and holds her arm out for you to take, “Let’s go, we don’t want to be late for supper.” 
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The fire warming your skin from the hearth in Helaena’s chambers normally felt cozy and inviting, but tonight the heat of it was stifling as the two of you sit in silence. Each of you is presumably working on an embroidery piece, although the atmosphere feels more like that of a stalemate with each passing moment. 
You can feel her looking at you, sneaking glances every minute or so. You imagine she can probably feel the same, perhaps that’s why she keeps looking your way, because you can’t seem to keep your eyes off her either. 
Finally, the tension in the room seems to boil over and you can’t take it anymore; your fingers dig into the wood of your embroidery hoop as you gather the courage to speak. 
“Have I… Are you cross with me?” 
“Pardon?” The princess asks, jumping a bit before laying her hoop at her side, her eyes wide as she looks at you unabashedly now. 
“You, well, you keep looking at me. I just, I’m hoping I haven’t offended you in some way.” You chance a glance at Helaena and quickly do a double take, heart clenching in your chest when you see that she looks as if she’s about to cry. 
“You haven’t,” she breathes, shaking her head emphatically, locks of pale hair cascading down her shoulders as she does, “I simply… I was considering the dreams I’ve been having, the one I had earlier today.” 
“But what does that have to do with me?” 
“You’ve been in them!” She says suddenly, loudly, like she has to force out the words. 
“What?” You blink. 
She sighs heavily and swallows, wringing her hands on her lap. “You were in them. You have been for weeks.” 
You wonder if the princess can hear your heart beating rapidly in your chest as you blink, silently praying to whichever of the Gods may be listening that Helaena’s dreams and your dreams were not somehow intertwined. In the back of your mind, you knew your pleas were useless. 
Your mouth opens and closes a few times like a fish that’s been plucked from the water before you finally find your voice, “What… what am I doing in them?” Your whole body buzzes, fearing the answer and desperately needing it all at once. 
The princess hesitates, you want to scream as you can all but see her weighing her options in her mind before she finally, finally speaks. 
“Courting me, kissing me.” 
A small withering, wounded noise passes your lips at her words. You feel dizzy, the room spinning as you feel as though the entire world is crashing down around you while at the same time, it’s as if a mountain’s worth of weight has been lifted from your shoulders. 
“And your visions… they only show things already fated to occur?” You feel frozen as you ask, not a muscle in your body moving. You know the answer even as the question leaves your lips, but you need to hear her say it. 
Helaena sighs and shakes her head, a frown cutting across her pretty face, “That’s why it’s frustrating,” she bites, spitting the words like the mere act of explaining is painful, “This one cannot come to pass, I do not understand why I see it…”
She keeps speaking, talking through her annoyance, but the sound of your own blood pumping wildly through your veins blocks out her words. 
No, your head pounds as you silently scream, No, no, no! Please, just let me explain, give me a chance, I’ll do any—
A loud sob cuts through your thoughts; the world seems to wrench its way back to you as you look at the princess, eyes widening when you see the tears flowing down her flushed cheeks. 
“You could never truly wish to…” She says slowly, brokenly, words fading like she can’t even bear to say them. 
“I do.” The words feel punched from your chest like you’re holding your heart out to the open air.
Helaena’s ocean eyes cut to yours as her breath hitches, the both of you not daring to move a muscle as you sit together on the small sofa in her chambers; the fire crackling in the hearth is the only indication that time has not ceased to exist. 
You aren’t sure who moves first, maybe the Gods have threaded the two of you together so tightly that you move as one, you can’t be sure. 
But her lips are on yours. 
And her hands cup your cheeks as yours scramble to fit around her waist, four hands poised on a knife’s edge. 
You sigh against each other, pulled together like a knot in a thread, and you gasp as you find yourselves pressed together, chest to chest.
Finally, you part for air, panting together as you stare, foreheads pressed together. 
“Princess—“
“You love me?” She asks, swiping a thumb over your cheek; it’s only then you realize you’re crying. 
“Yes,” you breathe, your hands grip her tighter, pulling her impossibly closer to you, “And you?” 
“Yes,” she echos, her thighs slotting over one of yours as she climbs atop your lap, “You are my heart beating out of my body.” 
Her words zap through you and your heart twists in your chest as your hands clamber against her, your lips press against hers again urgently. Twin moans, muffled into each other's mouths, sound between you as your hands cup her rear, pressing her more urgently against you. 
“You are beautiful,” you sigh, hands grabbing at her plush curves through the silk fabric of her skirts, “You’re so soft and —“ 
“Warm,” she breathes, moaning into the column of your neck as her lips move against your skin, “You’re so warm, my love, like the sun.” 
My love. The pet name sends a shiver down your spine as the two of you move together, pressing kisses against whatever patches of skin you can find, rocking together instinctually. The firmness of her thigh presses deliciously against your center, your skirts rucked up enough to bare your smallclothes, which press welty against your core. 
You gasp, pressing a kiss to the princess’s collarbone as her hips move tantalizingly on your thigh, the warmth between her legs nearly suffocating as you whimper and sign against each other’s soft skin. 
“I have always loved you,” you confess, nearly coming undone as she begins tugging at the ties at the bosom of your gown, her hands shaking as she pulls them loose, “Always, from the first moment I saw you.”
She makes a noise between a moan and sob as she finally tugs your bodice loose, and you whimper as her lithe fingers ghost over your breasts, causing your back to arch into her touch. “I’ve always loved you too,” she sighs as her soft hands cup your chest, kneading the flesh in her palms, “I always wanted to court you, marry you, I,” her voice breaks off in a faint, high-pitched whine as you finally manage to unbutton the bodice of her gown, she savors the feel of your lips and hands against her breasts for a moment more before continuing, “Gods, I wished to bed you, I’ve always longed to know what you would feel like, how sweet you’d taste.”
Her confessions nearly make you weep as you kiss over the fat of her breasts, keening into her supple skin as she delicately pinches at your nipples, “I have only ever thought of you, my sweet princess,” your chest heaves as you speak, your words muffled as you lick over her nipple, “When I sleep, when I wake, when I–” The words stick in your throat as you freeze, peering up at her through your lashes, somehow still impossibly afraid of going too far, or too fast, or too anything. 
“When you what?” She asks, her voice so soft and sweet as she stares down at you, her fingers digging into your breast and side as her sapphire eyes flit between yours, “Tell me, my love, when you what?” She urges, her hips moving somehow more desperately against yours, only serving to fuel the fire slowly building within you. 
“Gods, when I touch myself,” you whisper, shuddering as she lets out a breathy moan above you, “When I peak, sweet princess, I think only of you.” Your confession ends in a sharp gasp as she angles you backwards, anchoring you to her with an arm wrapped tightly around your waist. Her lips trail down your neck and collarbone before finally, she presses firm, fiery kisses to your breast, panting as she wraps her petal pink lips around your nipple and sucks, pressing her thigh more firmly against your center as she does. 
“I think only of you too,” she breathes, blue eyes fluttering up to yours as your hands tangle in her pale locks, “Every time I touch myself, I dream of you,” she mumbles around your breast, her touch all but burning into you as she kisses across your chest before mouthing at the other side, “When my brother beds me, it is you I see, my precious lady.”
You practically sob as her admission sends you reeling, each cell in your body bursting like lightning from a stormcloud as you peak. You’re useless to do much else other than tremble in her hold as shivers travel in currents down your spine, your smallclothes no doubt ruined as your center clenches frantically at nothing, your pearl so taut and achy as it twitches against the princess’s thigh. 
You don’t waste a second when your high subsides, moving frantically as you push Helaena back, slotting yourself perfectly atop her, pressing your thigh between her legs like it’s the last thing you’ll ever do. Your skirts fan out around your bodies, blanketing your forms in a soft sea of silk, your bare chests pressed tightly together as you rut against her, needing to see her awash with pleasure more than you need breath in your lungs. 
“My love, my sweet princess,” you sigh into her mouth, your tongues swirling together as she all but cries beneath you, her hands digging possessively into your waist, “I am yours, my love, until the end of my days.” You swear, pressing your thigh tightly against her center, and your heart soars as she finally shatters in your grasp.
You watch, enraptured, as she peaks; mesmerized at the blush that blooms on her skin, at the way her blue eyes roll back as her eyes flutter closed, at how her breasts heave as she sucks in desperate breaths. The sounds she makes seem to pierce into your soul, each whimper and moan and cry ripping away parts of you until your heart is stripped bare, beating only for her. 
The two of you lay in a heady silence for many moments, the only sounds being your soft, panting breaths as you each come down and the ever-present crackle sounding from the hearth. 
“Your friend is not a friend yet not your foe.” Helaena whispers, her voice raspy as she speaks.
“Pardon?” You ask, pulling back from her embrace just enough to meet her gaze.
“That phrase,” she explains, her eyes glimmering in the firelight as a smile steadily blossoms on her pink lips, “I kept hearing it, in my dreams about you.”
You stay silent, tracing soft circles on her soft skin, leaving room for her to continue.
“I wasn’t sure at first, but now I see.”
“Hm?”
You aren’t my friend, the Gods spoke truthfully,” she beams, radiating joy as she studies your face, “You’re my love.”
Her statement is simple, but it makes you smile all the same as you press a sweet kiss to her lips.
“Yes,” you nod, pulling back to meet her eyes as you lay a hand over her heart, “Always.”
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chiqelatasblog · 2 months
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CHAPTER SIX : …What is essential is invisible to the eye.
-> Ao3 link is here.
-> Chapter Five link is here.
Pairing : Sub-Zero / Bi-Han x Reader
Summary : In the midst of unexpected sparring sessions and shared personal moments, the icy veneer of Bi-Han’s demeanor gradually thaws, revealing glimpses of his true self, particularly when he witnesses your struggle to cope with haunting nightmares.
Author’s Note : This chapter is one I’ve eagerly anticipated writing since before outlining the plot and establishing the story basics. I’m so proud of the outcome and excited to share it with you. I hope you find as much pleasure in reading it. Please keep in mind that English is not my native language, so if you happen to notice any mistakes, I welcome your feedback. Happy reading!
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Bi-Han took his usual seat at the dinner table, and as the day unfolded, Kuai Liang shared rumors about the Black Dragon mercenaries entering the country during his return from the city.
While familiar with the dangerous reputation of the Black Dragon, Bi-Han didn’t consider them a significant threat to the clan, likely here to buy weapons or engage in business dealings. He saw no reason to engage unless they breached their borders.
Bi-Han noticed everyone at the table but you, yet he chose not to inquire about your absence, instead focusing on filling his plate with food at his usual pace. The breakfast proceeded quietly, with only the occasional clink of utensils breaking the stillness. However, the persistent absence of your presence piqued Bi-Han’s curiosity. Throughout your month here, you had typically been the first to arrive, and the empty chair disrupted the usual routine.
‘’I wonder if something has happened?’’ When Tomas voiced the question echoing in Bi-Han’s mind, he found himself responding. “She’ll be here in a moment.’’
‘’Maybe we should send someone to take a look at her. She was never late normally.’’ Tomas suggested, prompting Bi-Han to pause his breakfast, examining his brother’s concerned expression.
Despite crediting Tomas’ words, Bi-Han perceived no valid reason for concern. Guards were assigned to protect you, and he would have known if anything happened. Yet, a peculiar emotional response lingered, leaving Bi-Han feeling somewhat foolish for harboring such sentiments.
“Everyone can be late from time to time, Tomas. Relax.’’ Kuai Liang responded in place of Bi-Han, known for his moderate and understanding approach in communication.
In matters requiring transmission, messages often went through Kuai Liang before reaching Bi-Han. Echoes of your words from the previous night lingered in Bi-Han’s mind. The title of grandmaster had heightened the avoidance of direct communication with him, a consequence of his intimidating demeanor. It was a necessary stance to maintain authority and order within the clan. Bi-Han, who embraced his role with a certain pride, favored the imposing aura that came with his position. Unfazed by the solitude his demeanor brought, he remains aware of the consequences of his actions, however, he relishes the control and respect his grandmaster status affords him
‘’If you say so.’’ Tomas responded quietly. Bi-Han observed his brother and began to understand the source of his worry. Being the only other person present during the poisoning incident, Tomas likely felt responsible for not preventing it.
The sliding doors suddenly opened, and you rushed in, offering greetings with a slight bow. ‘’Sorry, I fell asleep,’’ you apologized in a voice that could be described as soft and even cheerful. Bi-Han’s brows furrowed slightly, sensing an abnormality in your tone but unable to pinpoint it.
As you settled into your chair, Bi-Han gazed you in silence. Your hair was carefully pulled back, revealing your face. Adorned in a dark blue turtleneck sweater, the usual choice to conceal the scar on your throat, he couldn’t help but notice the change in your complexion. Normally boasting a healthy glow, your skin now appeared dull, as if you had encountered a ghost. Pale and colorless, your face revealed the aftermath of a restless night. Dark circles under your eyes betrayed the struggle of a recurring nightmare. Suppressing the growl that threatened to escape his throat, Bi-Han discerned the truth – anyone observing your face could easily tell that you were lying.
‘‘Are you all right?’’ Cyrax inquired. "You appear a bit under the weather."
‘’I’m not exactly a morning person,’’ you replied with the same cheerful tone, beginning to irk Bi-Han. ‘’But other than that, I’m great. I’m just a little hungry. I’ll wake up after I’ve eaten something.’’
Your face, pretending to be cheerful with a forced sweetness in your voice, looked contradictory. Bi-Han, unable to comprehend why this contradiction bothered him, chose to push the thoughts aside. Understanding you and the feelings you stirred within him remained a complete mystery.
With a polite gesture signaling the end of the conversation, you reached for a dish with your chopsticks. Without questioning his own movement, Bi-Han pushed the plate toward you with the tip of his hand. A subtle smile of thanks crossed your lips, and you managed to secure one of the steamed buns. Bi-Han noticed your hand trembling, a detail likely overlooked by most, but at this proximity, he easily discerned your struggle with the chopsticks.
His brows furrowed further. In the month you’d been here, this was the first time Bi-Han witnessed you so visibly shaken and jittery. Despite your weakened state during the recovery process after being poisoned, you consistently avoided showing it, maintaining a strong posture and a resolute face. While he had glimpsed your nightmares during your unconscious state, not visiting again made it challenging to gauge if this internal struggle persisted. Yet, you adeptly hid it from everyone, especially him, despite his keen eye for details. As he observed you, a forgotten memory resurfaced.
He couldn’t be more than six years old, in his father’s study. His father’s tense demeanor hung in the air. Pacing the room in the midst of a strained alliance, his father focused more on maintaining order than taking risks, even though they were strong.
His mother knocked on the door, and upon entering gracefully, she held a tray adorned with a ceramic teapot and a steaming cup of chamomile tea. The sweet, pleasant aroma filled the room as his mother softly left the tray on the desk, offering him a small smile and an affectionate pat on the head.
Curious about the tea, his father sniffed the cup. “What’s this?” Bringing it closer to his nose, he inquired, “Herbal tea?”
‘’Actually chamomile tea, my dear.’‘ His mother’s soft voice filled the room as she approached her husband, leaving a small, loving kiss on his cheek. ‘‘I hope it will calm your nerves a little.’’
Bi-Han blinked, dismissing the resurfaced memory, and signaled one of the helpers to approach. Silently, she inquired, ‘’Do you have a request, master?’’
‘‘Bring chamomile tea to my wife,’’ Bi-Han spoke, the words meant only for her ears.
‘’Of course.’’ The woman left promptly to fulfill his request, leaving Bi-Han’s gaze fixed on you once again. However, you showed no interest in the untouched steamed bun on your plate. Poking it occasionally with your chopsticks, you attempted to engage in Tomas and Cyrax’s conversation. Yet, the forced smile on your face betrayed your inner turmoil.
Bi-Han noticed the transformation in your expression, especially when he brought you a book from his mother’s library. The initial confusion gave way to a warm and sincere look, creating a sweet warmth in his heart that contrasted with his icy powers. Since your arrival, you had never displayed hostility, even after being poisoned. While your behavior remained moderate, maintaining a certain distance, the persistent smile on your face had become a habitual aspect. Only last week did Bi-Han discern subtle differences, your eyes, slightly dimmed yet shining with sincere happiness, your lips curled in a smile illuminating your face, and a faint warmth coloring your cheeks.
Normally, your reflexive defense mechanism was apparent whenever he approached—a reasonable reaction considering his challenging personality. Trusting someone like you, especially someone unknown, posed difficulties. Hence, his conduct toward you remained distant, cold, and often judgmental.
After your nightmares and a few conversations, Bi-Han’s reserved attitude towards you slowly shifted. Though trust was still elusive, his growing interest was undeniable. Your fearless demeanor and clever, witty responses intrigued him, setting you apart from the typical noblewoman profile.
As the woman approached with the tea Bi-Han had requested, an unexpected incident unfolded. Behind your back, she stated, “Your tea, ma’am.” When she bent down to place it in front of you, you abruptly snapped out of your reverie, accidentally knocking over the tea. Panic ensued as the woman attempted to dry you with a napkin, but you leaped to your feet in fright. The chair emitted a painful squeal on the floor, capturing the full attention of everyone at the table.
Your chest heaved rapidly, muttering something like ‘’There’s no harm,’’ avoiding eye contact with anyone. Bi-Han silently observed as your skin underwent subtle color changes, resembling an impending faint. However, you surprised him by straightened your posture and said, ‘’I’m sorry, please excuse me.’’ With those words, you swiftly left the room.
Cyrax, breaking the silence, questioned. ‘’What the hell just happened?’’
Tomas and Kuai Liang turned their gazes toward Bi-Han. ‘’Do you have any idea, brother?’’ Kuai Liang said.
‘’No, but I will find out.’’ Bi-Han concluded, leaving the room to pursue you. Without needing to contemplate your destination, he discovered you at the end of the corridor on the veranda leading to the garden, your back turned to him. Treading softly to avoid startling you, he signaled the guards to give you space. As you turned around upon hearing footsteps, you locked eyes with Bi-Han.
‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cause a scene.’’ Your voice, now exhausted and weak, contrasted sharply with the panic just moments ago. Bi-Han couldn’t help but wonder about the nightmare that had rattled you so profoundly. Was it connected to memories of the wound on your throat, or an entirely different ordeal?
Having formed a few ideas about you, Bi-Han knew that under normal circumstances, you wouldn’t reveal such vulnerability. You typically held yourself with unwavering posture and grace. Your current demeanor, akin to attempting to ward off a shark from sensing blood, intrigued him. It deviated from the routine reactions he was accustomed to.
‘’Show me your hand.’’ Bi-Han commanded, his tone firm but laced with a touch of concern.
‘’I’m all right.’’ You swiftly responded, taking a step back, as if physical distance could provide solace. ‘’The water just spilled a little.’’
‘‘I know your hand is burning, (y/n). Don’t make me repeat myself.’’ Bi-Han insisted, his cold eyes reflecting a rare moment of empathy.
Realizing you had lost this silent battle, you reluctantly extended your hand toward him. Bi-Han closed the distance, surprised by the unexpected gentleness he displayed, even to himself. Your hand, resting in his large one, seemed delicate and vulnerable. He was certain that if he attempted to fully enclose it with his fingers, it might vanish or worse, break
Examining your scalded skin, now a furious red, it was evident to anyone that you were in pain. However, you displayed no reaction, as if a steaming tea had merely been a minor inconvenience. Bi-Han found your stoicism peculiar, the pain should have acted as a potent stimulus, overshadowing the effects of your nightmare
‘’How did all this happen?’’
Bi-Han inquired as he felt the calluses under your fingers. Without giving you a chance to pull your hand away, he grasped your wrist and turned the back of your hand to inspect the large and small calluses that adorned your fingertips and palm, along with scars that lingered, slightly lighter than your skin color.
‘’I told you that I trained with my brothers for a while.’’ You replied in a low voice, attempting to pull your hand away.
‘’These are not calluses that form in a short amount of time.’’ Bi-Han remarked, tightening his grip just enough to keep you from escaping.
‘’I was a hardworking student.’’ You retorted in a clear voice, signaling an end to further questions.
Bi-Han turned your hand again and placed his other hand on it, applying minimal pressure to offer a cooling effect. Though capable of more, he refrained from intensifying it, as it could exacerbate the scald rather than provide relief.
‘’Why are you helping me?’’ You questioned in confusion. ‘’I could have handled it myself.’’
‘’It’s faster this way.’’ Bi-Han responded casually, his gaze focused on your hand. ‘‘What just happened?’’
Your hand tensed for a moment at the question, but you quickly regained composure, merely shrugging your delicate shoulders.
‘’I just—I fell asleep. When I sleep too much, it takes me a little longer to wake up and get myself ready.’’
‘’Don’t lie to me, (y/n).’’ Bi-Han’s voice, though less harsh than he intended, startled you as you attempted to break free. Yet, he held his grip firm. ‘‘Did you have a nightmare about your scar?’’
‘’I don’t want to talk about this.’’
“Talking will lighten the burden you are carrying.”
“Why is it so important for you to know?’’
When you softly posed the question your gaze shifted to your hands, positioned at the center, instead of meeting his eyes. In that moment, Bi-Han sensed an impulse to cup your chin, raising it gently to meet his gaze properly. The courage to hold his gaze, the subtle tilt of your head, the lift of your chin—Bi-Han had committed your routine to memory, becoming accustomed to its nuances. He didn’t appreciate your attempt to evade him now. Despite his instincts he resisted, opting to respond to your inquiry.
“I’m trying to get to know you,” Bi-Han replied.
“Every time feels like an interrogation, your approach isn’t quite right.” you remarked.
“Then show me the right way.” Bi-Han said, attempting to keep his deep voice light. Your surprise at his response was evident.
“You’re serious.”
“Yes.” As the warmth in your hand gradually dissipated, Bi-Han’s fingers delicately traced over your skin, a ghostly touch. The dialogue from a few days ago replayed in his mind. ‘If you want to exchange information, you should also reveal something about yourself.’ He added, “Although it is the color of our clan, I actually don’t like the color blue.”
“What?” Bewilderment filled your gaze as you stared at him, unable to make sense of this unexpected revelation. Bi-Han continued in a casual tone without breaking his mood.
“It reminds me of monotony. Our lives are predictable, as if doomed in an order. You can only move within the boundaries of this repeating endless circle.”
“Those words of yours seem more like your feelings about what you shared a night ago about your father and the way he runs the clan. You’ve associated the color of your clan with his rule, am I right?” Your kind voice conveyed understanding. “Still, when you look around, you hear echoes of the past, and it bothers you. You don’t want to suffer the same fate as him.”
Unexpectedly, you delved directly into the underlying source of his words, surprising him with an understanding he hadn’t anticipated. Despite his initial hostility, your kindness and intelligence took him by surprise. Rather than perceiving your presence as a constant thorn, you approached him with an understanding that gradually melted the icy reserve he usually maintained.
Your gaze remained distant, yet a fragile warmth emanated from it, delicate and fleeting, as if teetering on the edge of disappearance.
“That’s true,” Bi-Han affirmed, his voice carrying a sharp edge. “Monotony hinders development and the realization of potential. My clan deserves more than being condemned to such a cycle.”
Convinced that your hand was fully healed, he released his grip. As you raised your hand briefly, examining it at eye level, Bi-Han observed you for a few seconds. The angry red hue had receded, your skin now restored to a healthy color, as if untouched by boiling water. Though the pain had subsided, you still felt the need to test it with your other hand. Your expression, impressed by his work, flattered Bi-Han.
“You’re too fierce to be confined, grandmaster,” you remarked, turning your gaze back to him. “As I said before, I don’t think you’ll share the same fate as your father.”
Bi-Han shifted the subject, crossing his arms before attempting the audacious act of touching you again.
“It’s your turn.”
You only blinked back at him. “I don’t understand.”
“I’ve shared something about myself with you. Now it’s your turn to do the same.”
With an unexpected outpouring of laughter from your lips, you politely covered your mouth.Though he disliked you hiding your smile, your voice was as warm, soft, and friendly as the spring sun. Bi-Han felt a pleasant surprise, causing this reaction himself for the first time. He yearned to hear more of your genuine laughter.
‘’Fair enough. Let me answer your previous question then. My nightmares often revolve around my past, not an easy topic for me to discuss, especially with people I don’t trust or have never met.’’
‘’An understandable reason,’’ Bi-Han acknowledged. ‘’Walk with me.’’
You took your place next to him without question, keeping up with his pace. In one of the indoor training areas that Bi-Han led you to, the distance between you narrowed, almost to the point where your arms could touch. Perhaps, you could feel the cool air spreading over him.
‘’I grew up with my four brothers. My older brother is about five years my senior, and the middle brother, my junior by a year. The others are a few years younger than me.’’
‘’So you’re the only daughter?’’
“Yes.’’
‘’You must have held a special place.’’
Another smile graced your lips, but this time it bore a bitter edge.
‘’That depends on how you interpret the situation.’’ Your eyes fixed on the horizon, reflecting memories. ‘‘In terms of physical strength and endurance, men and women are not considered equal in our clan. Women don’t receive martial arts training, partake in missions, or engage even in minor political negotiations. The system is completely different from here.’’
‘’Nonsense. While there may be a difference in physical strength between men and women, it doesn’t justify treating you like a decoy. My mother never engaged in missions, my father feared for her safety. However, she was skilled in self-defense and combat. This basic knowledge is crucial, especially in a clan setting.’’
‘’I agree with what you’re saying. I wish everyone saw the bigger picture like you do.’’ You responded with a tight smile. As both of you arrived at the indoor training ground, he opened the door and you entered first.
While Bi-Han followed like a looming shadow, he pondered the origin of the marks on your hands. ‘’How could you train with your brothers when such a mentality prevails?’’ he voiced his thoughts.
‘’My father’s mindset has changed.’’
“Stereotyped thoughts do not change easily, something must have happened to shift his mindset.”
As you strolled through the sparsely populated area, with only a few people around, your gaze shifted to the ground beneath your feet instead of focusing forward.
“What caused his change of heart was when I faced an assassination attempt. Though his views about the clan order remained steadfast, his strict perspective towards me softened to some extent. Who would have thought such an incident could play a role in a positive outcome, right?” You spoke in a half-smiling, half-dull voice. Upon reaching the middle of the area, Bi-Han halted. Without delay, you also paused to face him, and continued your words in a lower tone, “I think sometimes bad things have to happen in life so that good things can come out.”
Your words brought his father’s advice to mind. ‘Never forget this Bi-Han, either we win or we learn in any case. Learn to view the events in your life, both past and future, from this perspective.’
“Why did we come here?” With your question, Bi-Han snapped out of his thoughts. He didn’t appreciate that you closed the subject, wanting to know more about you. However, he also understood your lack of trust, realizing you were hesitant to divulge more about your past. Pressing forward could risk pushing you back into your shell. This delicate progress was too fragile to jeopardize, so he allowed you the freedom and space you sought.
On one hand, he gained little more insight into the environment you grew up in. Uncertain about how much of it was influenced by your clan, the scars and nightmares he witnessed hinted at a challenging childhood.
‘‘’I want to see your skills.’’ As Bi-Han stood in front of you, forming a semicircle, the widening of your eyes revealed your understanding of his implication. ’’Spar with me.’’
“Why? The training I have received is nothing compared to yours, there’s nothing remarkable to see.” you said in a timid voice. Bi-Han, indifferent to your words, took a fighting stance. Your face turned pale when you noticed this, and Bi-Han couldn’t understand why you felt so uncomfortable while gently biting your lower lip and tugging. His presence, perhaps more dominant and frightening than he thought, made you nervous, or there was a completely different reason that he failed to guess and see.
‘’I’ve seen the state of your hands, there’s no need to pretend. Show me what you can do, and perhaps I’ll reconsider the level of protection you require.”
In a hopeful voice, you asked, “Really?” Your eyes, moments ago desperate, transformed into precious jewels, sparking with anticipation. After the question, your gaze scanned the area. “Do we have to do this in public?’’
“There are only a few people, no need to worry about them. Focus on me and your movements.”
“You’re not going to use your powers, are you?”
A grunt similar to a chuckle poured from Bi-Han’s lips.
“My goal is not to beat you. I just want to see and test your skills, I don’t need my powers for this.”
“All right, let’s do this then.”
After looking around with worried eyes for the last time, you closed your eyes. Taking a deep breath and reopening them, your gaze had changed in an instant. Sharpened by determination, your expression showed complete focus on the task at hand, devoid of previous emotions. Slightly opening your legs, one behind and the other in front, you assumed a fighting position with open hands and a slight backward tilt of the upper body.
Bi-Han wasted no time, making the first move. Swinging his right arm, you instantly blocked him with a swift parry, your body flowing seamlessly into a defensive stance. When he swung his left arm, you matched his speed, hitting his arm with a well-timed block and countering with a hard kick to his torso. With a muffled sound resembling a growl, Bi-Han closed the distance, standing close enough to challenge your defense.
Throwing his arm for a punch, he also aimed a kick. A few seconds after preventing his fist from reaching your face, you blocked his kick with your knee. Bi-Han raised the same leg toward your face, but you skillfully avoided it with a slight recoil of your upper body. When Bi-Han raised his kick again, you parried it with your arm, swiftly directing a fist to his face with your other hand. Though he avoided the move by turning his head, your chain of punches hit him in the chest, causing him to stumble backward.
When you both assumed your fighting positions again, this time, you took the initiative. Charging towards him, you launched into a flying kick and Bi-Han collided with one of the hall’s rafters from the blow to his stomach. A hoarse sound escaped his lips as agile fists aimed at his exposed body were met with a counter kick. You gracefully swept from under the incoming kick, almost like a dance. To halt the brutal continuous punches, Bi-Han seized your arms and delivered a hard kick to your midsection without giving you time to react.
A little moan left your lips as you were thrown a few meters away. Falling on all fours like a cat, you rotated your body on one hand before getting up. With only the support from the ground, Bi-Han instinctively pulled his head back as you attempted a head kick, feeling the wind pass in front of his face.
As the two of you engaged in a high-speed exchange of punches and kicks, Bi-Han felt his blood, once ice-cold in his veins, begin to boil. Someone training in fighting since the day he opened his eyes, he couldn’t recall the last time he had fought with so much pleasure. The practices and workouts he did, whether alone or with his siblings, were always perfection-based, relentless, and result-oriented. The future of the clan hinged primarily on them, ensuring that he and his brothers, as perfect warriors, could protect the future of their clan.
Here it was different, Bi-Han wondered about your abilities and potential, not attacking you with all his might, but not making things easier either. His movements were fast and brutal, enough to challenge most top-level students he trained.
Not anticipating that you would fare so well and keep up with him, Bi-Han was genuinely surprised by the grace, determination, and lithe fighting style you displayed. From the first moment he saw you, he recognized you were not a fragile woman, but the surprise you presented exceeded his predictions, and he found it more pleasing than he had hoped.
In the clan, Bi-Han had always valued power, and while he acknowledged the appeal of a powerful woman as a wife, he found this matter burdensome and did not actively seek it. Now, as you stood before him, turning physical differences to your advantage, it would be a humorous lie to say he wasn’t impressed.
Knowing you weren’t equal in physical strength, your fighting style favored Wing Chun principles. Focused on self-defense rather than attack, you targeted joints with precision. Your impeccable hand and foot coordination revealed extensive combat training.
“Are you tired, grandmaster?” You teased. A drop of sweat gliding from your temple to your chin, and Bi-Han clenched his fist, resisting the urge to wipe it away. He replied with a half-smile.
“Self-confidence shown without winning is dangerous.”
“Win?” The smile on your face widened. “I thought this was just a test.”
“And you haven’t passed the test yet.”
Raising an eyebrow, you said, “Is that so?” Then you jumped forward, raising your knee to kick his abdomen. Bi-Han blocked your move with his elbow, and immediately threw his other hand at you. You stopped him by grabbing his wrist, doing the same with the other hand, and threw a kick, rising with support from the two arms you held.
Bi-Han staggered but maintained his balance, crossing his leg between your two legs as if to trip you. Seizing this opportunity, before you could react, he wrapped his other leg around your left leg, hooking it and causing you to fall to the ground. With your back meeting the floor, a groan escaped, indicating the pain and the breath leaving your lungs.
In a shocking display of speed, you recovered in the blink of an eye, turning around on your back. You grabbed Bi-Han from both sides of the waist with your strong legs, then tightly held his ankles with your hands, knocking him down with pressure from both sides. Although the mats on the floor spared him much pain, his vision fluctuated momentarily. When he opened his eyes again, you were sitting on his waist as if on a horse, a clenched fist inches away from his face.
“Yield.” you gasped. Your hair scattered, fine tufts escaping from the ponytail, reaching your sweat-soaked forehead and flushed cheeks. Your eyes sparkled with the joy and pride of successfully bringing him down. In that moment, Bi-Han felt like he saw the real you behind the mask—natural, beautiful, radiating positive energy to his core.
Bi-Han, with his combative nature and the refusal to give up, supported you with his legs and pushed you forward to disrupt your structure. As you placed your hands on both sides of his head to maintain balance, Bi-Han anticipated your move. He easily rolled you sideways, then grabbed both of your arms, pinning you down and looking down at you.
‘’You can’t get out of this lock, yield.” His voice, though retaining its usual harshness, carried a tone of amusement. Instead of yielding immediately, you tried different escape forms, but under his steel-like grip, you remained as motionless. The heat radiating from your body due to the intense sparring, coupled with your unique natural scent, almost sweet despite a hint of sweat, didn’t escape Bi-Han’s awareness. He also enjoyed seeing you like this, pinned under his weight, appearing genuinely carefree and joyful for once.
Finally, you took a deep breath and conceded in an unhappy voice, “Fine. I yield.”
Bi-Han couldn’t suppress a small sound resembling laughter in response to your childish reaction. As he got up, he admitted, ‘‘You surpassed my expectations.’’ His honest voice carried a touch of acknowledgment. ‘’I may have been unjust in underestimating you.’’ When he extended his hand to help you up, your surprised eyes revealed the disappearance of the earlier childish unhappiness.
‘’Is this an apology?’’
‘’Don’t be so full of hope.’’
You rolled your eyes at his response, a soft chuckle escaping your lips as you curiously asked while standing and holding onto the hand he offered. ‘‘Does this mean I won’t have guards anymore?’’
‘’I said I might reduce their number. I’ll think about it later.’’
“But you just said-‘’
‘’I know what I’m saying. But the person who tried to kill you is still out there somewhere. Ensuring your safety is first and foremost one of my duties.’’
“You’ve seen that I can protect myself. I don’t need three guards at once.’’ Bi-Han sighed in response to your unwavering stance, signaling that you wouldn’t easily drop the matter. He crossed his arms over his chest.
‘’I’ll arrange something.’’ His answer brought a smile back to your face, and Bi-Han felt an odd desire to consistently witness this expression of yours. Your smile was bright, like sunlight piercing through dark clouds, comforting him. ‘‘Do you feel better?’’
Your smile softened into a genuine, grateful expression.
‘‘Yes, thanks to you.’’
‘’(Y/n)!’’
Despite your parted lips, seemingly ready to say something more, Tomas’ voice interrupted. As you both turned toward him, realizing the hall’s attention, Bi-Han observed your cheeks reddening and your uneasiness becoming evident. The area was full of people, as everyone was curious about the sparring.Though understandable to dislike the spotlight, you should have been proud rather than embarrassed, you fought exceptionally well.
‘‘It was an amazing fight! How did you learn to move like that? Everyone watched with bated breath.’’
‘’Thank you,’’ you said shyly, your cheeks now crimson. Bi-Han wondered if you might have a heart attack right there. ‘’I trained with my brothers for a while.’’
‘’Let’s spar together sometime. I’d like you to teach me a few moves.’’
‘‘I would very much like to-‘’
‘’No.’’ Bi-Han interrupted. Both of you shared a puzzled expression, and for a moment, he wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t understand why he felt the need to intervene, he just didn’t like the idea of you working alone with Tomas. The words escaped his lips impulsively. Dismissing the absurd thoughts, he quickly composed himself, cleared his throat and continued in his usual cold, emotionless voice.
‘’We have new members whose training requires your attention, it’s unacceptable for you to slack off.’’
‘’Slack off? We don’t train from morning to night. Come on, I’m sure my training with (y/n) for a few hours a week won’t create any vital changes in the clan.’’ Tomas responded. A smile settled on his young face, as if he understood a truth behind the lie Bi-Han just told. Instead of giving in, Bi-Han responded with furrowed brows and an assertive voice.
“Tell the others then, to practice alternately with (y/n).’’
‘‘There is no need for that at all.’’ You said in a panicked and somewhat embarrassed voice. ‘’Enough people are already tasked to look after me by sacrificing their time, more people don’t need to be a part of it.’’
‘’It would be good for you to see different fighting styles.’’
‘’Our grandmaster is right.’’ Tomas said, joining him. ‘’Ah, but I just remember now. I have to go to the Fire Temple this week with Kuai Liang to report to Lord Liu Kang. Sektor has already gone to America for a mission, Cyrax is taking care of both his and Sektor’s group’s training in his absence. In this case, you’re the best option right now, brother.’’
Although Tomas finished his sentence with an innocent smile, Bi-Han could almost hear his quiet laughter ringing in his ears.
You little shit.
“There’s really no need for that at all-‘’
‘’Be here at the same time in the morning.’’ Said Bi-Han interrupting you once again. After he made the last point, he couldn’t stand to see the stupid smile on Tomas’s face anymore, so he turned on his heels and left the hall to start his routine work.
***
After signing the last document, Bi-Han felt the weariness in his bones. He rubbed his eyes, took a deep breath and finally rose from the chair where he’d been stationed for hours. His movements were initially slow, working out the stiffness in his muscles, and then he cracked his neck, stirring his body into action.
Having dealt with the remaining paperwork in the study after dinner, he glanced at the clock and realized midnight had arrived. Despite his aversion to paperwork, Bi-Han’s method was to let it accumulate before facing it head-on and completing the task, leaving the desk only when it was done.
A sigh of relief escaped him as he finally left the room, quickening his pace towards the bedroom. The weight of the day pressed on him, and the paperwork had been an additional burden. As he navigated the corridors and reached the floor where his room was located, his eyes were instinctively drawn to the end of the corridor. His eyebrows furrowed at the sight of you standing there.
Changing his direction, he walked toward you and your two guards, engaged in a quiet conversation. The echo of footsteps on the hushed hardwood floor signaled his approaching, as clansmen bowed their heads as a sign of respect and greeted him with a unified, ‘‘Goodnight, Master.’’
Bi-Han’s gaze lingered on you for a moment before he finally spoke, “Is there a problem?”
‘‘We were chatting,’’ you replied in a low voice. Bi-Han’s frown deepened, and he couldn’t discern your gaze as you spoke with your head tilted. His intuition told him something wasn’t right—perhaps another haunting nightmare or sleepless night troubled you. A nagging feeling insisted the former was more likely. ‘’They were telling me about the festival held in Fengjian village every spring.’’
There was a subtle unease in your tone, reminiscent of your timid demeanor from earlier. Setting aside the persistent pain from hours of frowning over paperwork, Bi-Han shifted his attention to the clan members flanking you. Recognizing their shared look of concern, he silently signaled for them to withdraw. Their departure revealed you, tensed like a bow, still avoiding eye contact. Yet, the subtle cues you emitted spoke volumes.
“Lift up your head (y/n), bowing does not suit you.’’ he commanded, his words prompting a sharp intake of breath from you. The internal struggle was evident as your fists clenched. Slowly, you raised your head, and Bi-Han’s gaze was drawn to your eyes. Dark circles, more pronounced than earlier, surrounded the undersides, and your eyes reflected a redness, a telltale sign of recent tears.
This situation was even more distressing than the morning encounter. It seemed you had lingered in your room to gather yourself before joining for breakfast, here now the impact of whatever nightmare haunted you was vivid, rendering you seemingly fragile and diminished. The shoulders, once confidently held upright, now slouched, emanating signals of desperation and a desire for isolation from the world.
Bi-Han felt his blood start to flow angrily in his veins as he looked at you. He didn’t know exactly what and why he was angry, but for some reason, the fact that you had become like this triggered the anger inside him that was ready to shine. It didn’t feel right to see you like this, especially after he started getting to know you. It was as if he was looking at someone completely different.
As he pondered what he could do, he realized the source of his anger at that moment. This was not a problem that he could solve by resorting to brute force when he got angry. If nightmares had tangible forms, Bi-Han would have obliterated them, turning them into ice masses down to the last atom. However, he had to rely on communication skills now, an area where he had always been incompetent. Kuai Liang was the diplomat, Bi-Han was the one with an easily angered nature.
On the one hand, he didn’t know why he wanted to help you. This was just a marriage made on paper, established for the sake of a permanent alliance, serving no purpose beyond that. Although he knew all this, it bothered him to see you like this. Maybe if he had witnessed this a month ago, he might not have been affected. Yet now, with each passing day revealing how different you are from what he thought, Bi-Han couldn’t stand idly by while this situation happened.
‘’Your men… they’re good people. They agreed to chat with me because I couldn’t sleep, I had never participated in the festivals held in Fengjian before. According to what they say, it hosts a very pleasant atmosphere.’’ You said in a weak voice that showed that you were uncomfortable with the prolonged silence. ‘‘Are you angry with me for chatting with them?’’
‘’Of course not. This is your home too, you can talk to anyone you want.’’
‘’But I can’t get in anywhere I want to, can I?’’
Bi-Han changed the subject instead of answering the question, ‘’Come with me, I have something I want to show you.” He said. You were intrigued by a bit of curiosity that broke your timid expression. Bi-Han could feel your gaze focused on his neck as he silently crossed the corridors. He asked carefully.
‘’Do you have nightmares all the time?’’
After one heartbeat, then the second, followed by shaky breaths you answered the question.
‘’Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Lately…I—I’ve been seeing it a little too often lately.’’
Bi-Han was aware that he was walking on a sensitive topic, the only problem was that he didn’t know what the right words were. He was hesitant about how he should approach you.
‘‘A month ago you were at your home, now you’ve been married to a man you’ve known as an enemy all your life, and you’re trying to get used to this place you’ve never known. All these are factors that put pressure on a person, the stress you feel may be triggering nightmares.’’
You chuckled a little, but your voice didn’t carry any warmth. It was dull and carried the kind of wetness that would worry Bi-Han.
‘’Although the issues are different, I have always been raised under pressure throughout my life. I think I can’t cope with stress as easily as I used to anymore, I feel crushed under it.’’ You took deep breaths several times to maintain your calm, trying not to shed tears with great force, your gaze was turned to the corridor stretching out in front of you. ‘’Sometimes I don’t want to sleep, even the thought of it feels terrifying.’’
In response to your confession, Bi-Han felt a strong need to calm you down. Although you tried to keep your emotions under control calmly, your battle to keep your tears from flowing was obvious. Bi-Han had never had such a hard time trying to find the right words. Kuai Liang had warned him many times because of his rude attitude, since he usually expressed what was going through his mind the way he was, but he himself had made no effort to change it.
During his struggle with himself, both of you arrived at the door of the room where he had already wanted to bring you. ‘‘I have never come to this side of the temple before.’’ You said. ‘’Why did we come here?’’
‘’This is my mother’s library.’’
Bi-Han opened the sliding door and slid to the side so that you could go in first. You looked at him first and then at the room with big red rimmed, and quite innocent-looking eyes.
‘‘I thought I was forbidden to enter here.’’
Bi-Han let out a little grunt.
‘’Get inside before I change my mind.’’
When you went inside without repeating what he said, Bi-Han lit the lamp standing on the work table, allowing you to see inside more clearly. Her mother’s study was a small place, not too big; two of the four walls were filled with full-length bookcases. In the middle of the room, there was a polished desk made of cherry wood and a chair with the same material as the desk. On the other side of the table, there was an old leather sofa for two, in dark coffee shades. A blanket with yellow-orange stripes that her mother had knitted when she was pregnant with Kuai Liang was laid out on the sofa.
When her mother was pregnant, Bi-Han remembered her most often in this room, lying on the double sofa, reading a book or knitting. Sometimes, when the winter was quite harsh and the snow was thick enough to exceed his height, Bi-Han also remembered that he used to read books with his mother in this room. Although he is not affected by the cold, his mother always tries to cover him with a blanket. Bi-Han often tries to stop her while she is trying to make sure that he is tightly wrapped, but ultimately, at the end of the day, he had no choice but to let her do what she wanted.
It felt different to see you in this room now. The soft, warm glow from the lamp added a cozy touch as your fingers gently explored the books. The room carried the scent of old books and polished wood.
‘’Have you read all this? There must be more than a thousand books on this side alone.’’
“I didn’t have time to read them all, but my mother did.’’ Said Bi-Han, leaning one shoulder on the bookshelf from where he was standing, he watched you walk around the room and look around with interest. “My father always brought her a lot of books from everywhere he could because he knew that she liked to read. She had so many books in a short time that he finally reserved this room for her to use as she wished. Although my mother was very pleased with this, my old man regretted his decision after a while.’’
“Why?’’
“My mother cherished this room, especially during her pregnancy. She found solace among the books. That’s why my father visited often, eager to catch a glimpse of her.’’
You laughed a little.
‘’It seems that your father was very fond of your mother.’’
‘’More than enough. Theirs was also a forced marriage. They wed as two strangers, completely unaware of each other, yet my father was the first to fall in love with my mother. He, too, was a cryomancer, unaffected by the cold like me. However, my mother somehow forgot this detail – quite impossible to overlook. Being fond of knitting, she crafted a scarf for him, consisting the colors of our clan. It was the first gift my father ever received, and you can imagine his surprise. Despite his bemused reaction, my mother loved recounting this tale to us. It was her favourite memory about him.’’
‘’What a sweet gesture,’’ you said in a soft, kind voice. ��’They have a chance that not everyone has. My parents also met the same way, but unfortunately, they were not as lucky as yours.’’
The smile on your face fell, and Bi-Han caught the haunted expression as you averted your gaze from him and turned to the books in front of you.
‘’What do you mean—‘’
‘’Oh! I don’t believe this! This book is also here?’’ You interrupted his speech with your voice, which suddenly rose with happiness. When you excitedly pulled the book from the shelf, Bi-Han turned his gaze to the book in your hand to see which book you were talking about. The book you were holding was ‘The Little Prince,’ with its cover worn out from reading it over and over, and its pages starting to turn yellow. It was one of the books that his mother loved to read, it had not left her bedside for a long time. ‘‘I couldn’t finish this.’’
‘’That’s a very short book to not finish.’’
“My father did not like us to read such books, he believed that they cut us off from reality. So I would try to read it without getting caught, but that was unlikely. My middle brother caught me secretly reading under the duvet one day, and as he told my father, he destroyed the book by burning it.’’
Bi-Han was starting to hate this man more and more.
‘’A big reaction for a harmless book.’’
‘‘It is so.’’ You said it in a sad voice. When you caressed the cover carefully with your fingers, as if you were afraid of harming it, Bi-Han felt that strange, painful ache in his chest again.
‘’You asked me why I brought you here. Sometimes there are times when I have nightmares too, I come here when I can’t sleep after waking up. It’s good for me to read something that will distract my mind, and I thought it might be good for you too.’’
This time, tears welled up uncontrollably, a few tracing down your cheeks as Bi-Han finished speaking. He grappled with what went wrong, clueless on how to cease the flow of emotion. Tension laced his voice as he questioned, “Why are you crying?”
‘’Thank you.’’ Your response caught him off guard. Swiftly wiping away the tears, your cheeks flushed with embarrassment, yet a rekindled smile brought solace to Bi-Han. ‘’I didn’t expect you to be so kind. I realize I may have been a bit too prejudiced against you, feeling a bit confused now.’’
‘’You had the materials to feed your prejudices, you’re not so wrong about that.’’ Said Bi-Han with a grunt. “Sit down on the sofa, you’ll read more comfortably.’’
You did what he said, quickly sat down on the sofa, and when you opened the first pages of the book to read, a silence fell on the room. Bi-Han heard you sigh as he started wandering around the room rummaging through the books.
‘’What’s the matter?’’
‘’I know it’s going to sound ridiculous, but my mind… It is so loud, the words I’m reading don’t make any sense. I can’t focus even though it’s a children’s book.’’ As the weight of insomnia was getting heavier and heavier on you, your tired gaze looked at him as if asking for help. ‘’Will you read to me?’’
Bi-Han instantly turned against you.
‘’My voice isn’t up to it.’’
‘’I can’t calm my mind. Please, Bi-Han.’’
Your silent plea managed to break the resistance within Bi-Han. As he settled at the other end of the seat, you graciously handed over the book. Leaning back comfortably, he spread his legs and turned the yellowed first page.
Despite the weariness that clung to his eyes from hours of paperwork, a sense of duty toward you lingered, especially considering your unrestful state since the poisoning. If the simple act of reading could offer a balm to your restlessness, Bi-Han was more than willing to provide it.
As he continued to immerse himself in the narrative, you shifted your position to face him, pulling your knees together and wrapping your arms around them. By the thirtieth page, a gentle, sleep-induced of your mumble filled the room.
‘’By the way, you are wrong about your voice. It has a deep timbre that draws people in.’’ Suppressing a yawn with your hand, you continued. ‘‘At first, I admit, it sounded intimading. And right now I’m thinking the exact opposite… Isn’t it weird? My thoughts can’t stay the same when it comes to you. You’ve thrown me a curve a few times these days.’’
Bi-Han, curious, marked the spot he was reading with his finger.
‘’So how are you feeling right now?’’
Resisting sleep, your head leaned against the seat, eyelids half-lowered. You answered innocently, as if afraid the response might be overheard.
‘‘It’s peaceful.’’ Your eyes closed momentarily as you covered another yawn. Speaking became more of a challenge. ‘’I haven’t had this feeling for a long time.’’
Your seemingly harmless confession halted Bi-Han in his tracks, casting an unexpected shadow over the room. What kind of hell had you emerged from, and what haunted stories did those eyes hold? The weight of your words seemed to materialize, settling in the air like an unspoken presence. As the silence stretched, your eyes fluttered open, revealing a weariness that begged understanding. In the soft, exhausted tone that followed, you queried.
“Is there a problem? Aren’t you going to continue?”
Bi-Han redirected his focus to the book, letting the words flow as time passed. The air carried the soothing rhythm of your breath, the golden light weaving a tranquil atmosphere. In the midst of the book, you mumbled a sentence in unison.
“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
“I didn’t understand that phrase when I was a little girl. How meaningful that sounds now, doesn’t it?” you added.
Bi-Han could barely understand what you were trying to say as you were struggling to speak. Your eyes closed completely now, a serene, small smile gracing your face. With each rhythmic breath, it was evident sleep was about to claim you.
Carefully, Bi-Han covered you with the blanket that was laid across the armrest of the sofa. A sweet sigh escaped you as you cocooned yourself, succumbing to the embrace of sleep. Bi-Han observed you for a while, long eyelashes casting delicate shadows on your cheeks. The relaxed expression of slumber made you appear younger, innocent, and achingly vulnerable, awakening a primal sense of protection in him.
Feeling the weight of exhaustion and the calm ambiance of the room, Bi-Han decided to position himself nearby, ready to wake you up if nightmares haunted your dreams again. Easing down on the opposite end of the sofa, he listened to your soft breaths, his own eyes growing heavier with weariness.
As the warmth of sleep began to wrap around him, Bi-Han muttered.
“What the hell are you doing to me, woman?”
. . . . . . . . . . . .
(Y/N)’s brother: Use your body and seduce him already!
(Y/N): I’m just gonna spar with him and show that we can be equals.
(Y/N)’s brother: That’s not the plan!
(Bi-Han attempting to conceal his awe): Damn, she can kick ass.
For the second part;
(Y/N)’s brother: The fuck are you doing?
(Y/N): …Listening him reading to The Little Prince?
(Y/N)’s brother: Wtf.
(Meanwhile Tomas): I ship them, now kiss.
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spectral-detector · 2 years
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Wasn’t aware yesterday it was bisexual visibility day!! Happy late Bi pride day!! 💗💜💙
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I have a bi male friend and we were discussing that Lexi girl and her attitude. It reminds me once more that my guy friends, even being queer, don’t understand.
He was talking about how predatory straight women can be in queer spaces (which is true) but I was trying to explain the want to be away from men in women only spaces
It got to the point that I had to bring up women I’ve seen on TikTok talking about their experiences with queer men as queer women, how despite both being queer, men have historically not supported us.
(TW: rape mention)
How queer men have raped queer women in queer spaces. My heart broke for the woman talking about it on TikTok, how that had been her introduction to a gay bar.
(END.)
I have a gay friend who understands my want to leave Texas because of the queer laws they’ve been passing lately (trans children can be removed from parents because it’s viewed as abuse for the child to be given T or E, queer folk can now be let go from jobs for being queer, no public drag spaces) but he doesn’t understand my fear that as a biological woman (I’m nonbinary) if I become pregnant with an unwanted pregnancy, Texas has made it that you can’t abort. Women’s protection is decreasing rapidly.
Like, we’re gay and we face the same prejudice, but at the same time— we don’t. Not really.
As a queer person, who’s also POC, there’s layers and it’s— a lot.
I hate being so aware of this, it’s bad for my anxiety 😅
And also— I’m so happy you are standing firm on this. You’re right, queer spaces are being invaded to the point they’re no longer queer spaces. It’s so frustrating.
I hope your day is looking better, hun, please remember to drink water and to have a good meal.
I’m about to cook myself a meal! Being aware is important! The intersections in which identity affects power dynamics between people in spaces is important!! Don’t be too hard on yourself about it! Race, gender, and sexuality affect how we are treated. Race specifically is intertwined in everything. Read up! Educate yourself! You never know when that info could help you
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steviesbicrisis · 6 months
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Happy Bi Week and Bi Awareness Day from the pan cousin! :)
I am very proud of you and very aware!!
Hope you're doing great! 🩷💜💙
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(sorry I'm late for this)
Dhnefind STOP THIS IS TOO NICE 🥺🩷🩷💜💙💙
I appreciate you so much, it’s acts of validation like these that make a difference
Also I want that membership card omg 😂💜
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ladypeonies · 2 years
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MileApo and fanservice.
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Fanservice has various dimensions and my goal isn’t to write an essay about it. It’s strongly present in Asian entertainment industries but also in the west with, of course, less intensity or perhaps visibility. The base of Fanservice is to give fans what they want, to make them happy. It translates into words, interactions, pictures, etc. It can involve one person or several. Fanservice would be for instance an artist showing their abs to their fans, it could be blowing a kiss to a co-worker, etc. Fanservice isn’t just limited to people from the same sex. It’s for straight, heterosexual, bi, unsure, etc.
Corporations do fanservice as well. If I’m a company with let’s say with a K-pop group for instance and fans ask to have more of x and y together, if I decide to publish a picture of them because fans want to, it’s considered fanservice. It is done to please the fans. In the entertainment industry, I feel most people do it consciously or not.
MileApo are artists and it’s part of their world to please the fans, and they keep telling us, how they enjoy making fans happy. You like them together, well they like the fact you DO like them together. So, fanservice at certain moments with each other is part to a certain extent of their job. They are a brand. If they did or do fanservice, it doesn’t mean all is fake or they don’t enjoy doing it, flirting, joking, etc. And many artists would use it to flirt with co-workers and tease because they think it’s fun.
The thing is fanservice between individuals can’t work if there isn’t already closeness, easiness, fondness, otherwise all you have is cringey and uncomfortable moments. Fans are really aware nowadays of it and can sense if it’s genuine or not. Yes, Fans crave for closeness between a pair, but now they don’t want any type of fanservice, they want the right kind. I feel there is a shift lately, towards more natural interactions between actors less caricatural ones. Fans have a tendency to praise the BL couples who seem to care for each other sincerely and corporations took note.
The thing is MileApo have to cater to various types of fans. No, the fandom isn’t only made of shippers. There are the ones who want or think they are together who celebrate their bond and many who want them to become their baby daddies. Among those who want to marry them, you have the nice ones, and also the problematic ones who scream at you that MileApo aren’t gay so stop saying that they are together or to stop being delusional just for pointing out how infatuated they look. But you also have those who want MileApo for themselves but would be willing to let them be together but refuse a third party, no boyfriend, girlfriend, illegitimate children, etc. And that for the artists it requires a balance to please everyone.
 It’s clear to me that Mile and Apo chose the healthiest approach, to be what they are, when they want to. They are older than several BL actors, they know what they want. And they are in a company who let them for the most part be what they want. They behave according to their moods, depending on the day, flirty, serious, playful, etc. Mile and Apo chose to be themselves together and individually. They have, I’m sure tons of examples or how tiring, dysfunctional it is to be someone else according to events, places, people.
It’s exhausting to pretend, it’s really not tenable in the long run. Actors are not robots and what’s bred in the bone will come out in the flesh.
In my humble opinion, I don’t feel MileApo lean on fanservice that much. When they did it’s not heavy, it’s more on the light side in good fun. In the Filmania era, even when they were presented with fanservice tasks (see shoppee live) they added their own twist to it. It was chaotic and completely them. I do feel they’re more into teasing each other than really doing fanservice for the fans. Apo enjoy teasing Mile because he’s cute, and Mile becomes helpless looking at the world for help through the camera.  Mile enjoy pushing Apo’s buttons until he backs off blushing, and Mile can win the Alpha male crown. You know those moments when it feels like they have forgotten us. 
They’re proud of their chemistry, of their bond and they flaunt it sometimes. If the fans want to see them together and they do enjoy being together, they would give gladly, through interactions or social media. But let’s not forget that 95% of their time together, they keep it private when other BL actors are out there filming themselves when they have dinners, parties, etc.? They could set part of the fandom on fire but they don’t. They do protect themselves and their private time and this for me doesn’t really work with Fanservice.
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noisynightshark · 1 year
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The (Shipped) Gold Standard
➼ summary: While struggling to cope with the aftermath of the mall fire, the Mind Flyer living in your head rent free, Eddie Munson unexpectedly falls into your life and and suddenly everything feels less of a pain. I don't know, I suck at summaries. Soz.
➼ warnings/tags: slowburn, eddie munson x fem!harrington!reader, mentions of previous billy hargrove x fem!harrington!reader, kind of fix it fic, mentions of bad mental health, intrusive thoughts, angst with happy ending and eventual smut so overall nsfw and minors dni, also: not proofread
➼ words: 2k
➼ notes: please let me know if you like this, I haven't done this in years and I'm so late I know but this man won't leave my brain. Mostly writing this for myself but thought I will be a brave girly and post it. Pls be nice. I'm bi, shy and ready to cry.
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Senior year. Finally. You had no idea how the hell you made it this far considering the unfortunate and unexplainable events of the last few years. Barb, then the disappearance of Will Byers. The discovery of the Upside Down. The monsters. Billy Hargrove and how he used you, tricked you into thinking he wasn’t just using you to get on your brother’s nerves.
Long after breaking up with Billy - if one could even call it a breakup since you were never really together - you scored a summer job at Record World within the newly opened Starcourt Mall. As much as you were against big corporations ruining small businesses, it was a reason to get out of the Harrington household and your previous job as babysitter came to an abrupt stop now that kids didn’t need to be watched over all the time. Plus Steve was working in Scoops Ahoy.
Steve and you weren’t particularly close before the Upside Down due to running in different social circles and having different views on life in general. Steve was king of the school, head of jocks, adored by girls and incredibly annoying. Well, to you anyways. You were known only by family ties, the other Harrington. No one ever messed with you but instead of being one of the popular kids, you were purely tolerated because of your last name. It was all fake niceties that turned into frowns as soon as you left the room. You were offered a place in the cheer team in sophomore year (no try out needed for you said one of the cheerleaders probably in hopes of getting with Steve through you) but turned it down and joined the track team instead. You were a runner. A very good one.
You were able to float through high school with no drama, being ever so kind to all people despite being well aware of all the nasty things people said behind your back. You were well aware you were only protected from face to face bullying because of your brother. Yet, you greeted everyone with a smile. You never participated in laughing at the outcast. Never sat with the nerds, the band, not even with the track team. You were alone. You were always alone but remained kind to those who approached you.
Until Will Byers, the kid you used to look after when neither Joyce or Jonathan could stay at home, disappeared. Then died. Then came back to life. Then the mall happened and you almost died with Billy. The Mind Flayer got into your mind and changed everything. While you were no longer alone, gaining amazing friends through shared trauma and Steve proving to be the most important person in your life, something was missing. You no longer greeted people with your signature smile. Your answers were short and to the point. You would physically sit there with the others but your mind was always somewhere else. And now with the Byers and El gone, your loneliness grew by the day. Will and you shared something that no one else would understand. You have to live it to know kind of thing.
Seven painful weeks after the tragic events at Starcourt Mall you were sitting in your car in the school parking lot, staring at the building swamped with students walking in, braving yourself to face the first time at Hawkins High without your brother being there to shield you from the brutality of teenagers. Steve graduated. Jonathan, Will and El are in California. Nancy was already busy with the school paper and looking at collage applications. Robin spent all her time with band practice or at Family Video with Steve. God knows what Lucas, Dustin and Mike were up to now that they were in high school as well. Best of luck to them. It’s a vicious place. The only person you felt comfortable enough with in the midst of silent suffering was Max. She never asked questions. Not due to the lack of caring but because she had her own demons to deal with. You and Max grew close by listening to each others’ silenced pain.
That’s why Max was sitting next to you in the car, fumbling with her walkman, getting ready to shut the noise out with her headphones as soon as she left the comfort of your car. It all came naturally. Offering to pick her up in the morning. It wasn’t even really an offer more like a statement of I’ll pick you up at 7, be ready. You took a deep breath, reached for the keys in the ignition, shared an empathetic look with Max and unlocked your seatbelt.
“Let’s get this over with.” You said as Max nodded and put the headphones over her ears.
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The first day of senior year. It was supposed to be fun. You were supposed to feel excited for the Assembly, show some school spirit with the rest of the class of 86. Instead, you were sitting at the very end, avoiding everyone’s lingering gaze. For an outsider you looked sad and scared and broken. No wonder why. The principal was going on about the tragic loss Hawkins went trhough over the summer. Everyone knew you were at the mall. Everyone knew you had some sort of a fling with Billy Hargrove. Everyone knew you were one of the handful of survivors of the fire. Everyone saw the fading scar on your temple running down the side of your face. No one knew how you really felt. How anger was consuming you. How you wanted to throw up and smash things and run away and never come back here. You were sick of this school, the people and this god damn town. You were sick of yourself feeling nothing but anger alternating with numbness. You might have survived that night in the Mall phisically but the visions of the Mind Flayer still made you feel imprisoned in your own mind.
“As if he wasn’t a complete douche bag” Came a voice from behind you on the bleachers. “Don’t get me wrong, speak no evil of the dead and all that crap but the guy was a nightmare.”
You slightly turned around to see the face behind the voice and caught the chocolate brown eyes of Hawkins’ resident outcast, Eddie Munson.
“Shit. S-sorry.” He held up his arms to signal he had no intention of causing any trouble. The guy he was originally talking to - his name was Gareth Something? - blushed next to Eddie and averted your questioning gaze.
“You’re not wrong.” Was all you said before turning back to your previous position.
Eddie felt like he said the wrong thing to the wrong person. He felt no remorse for Billy and wasn’t exactly friends with you but he knew the two of you got tangled for a little while during his first attempt at graduating high school.
Eddie met you on the 3rd day of school when he was a junior and you just started high school. You had an Iron Maiden pin on your backpack and he immediately decided that you were cool. And pretty. On the 4th day, he learned that your name was Y/n Harrington. That felt like a punch in the face for him. Harrington meant you were associated with King Steve and that in his book meant this could never work. And it never did. You were always nice to him, he always said the wrong thing.
Eddie was curious, he desperately wanted to know the origin of the pin, wanted to ask thousands of questions about your taste in music but that stupid surname always got in the way. He didn’t want to judge. He really didn’t. But growing up being bullied by people like Harrington left a bitter taste in his mouth that was impossible to wash off. So every interaction the two had ended with you parting with a sad smile and Eddie feeling like an ass. You were well aware of Eddie’s dislike toward your brother. Never thought this would extend to you as well though. But it seems that everything always did. The good and the bad equally. You made peace with it. So you kept being kind and patient.
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You shared a few classes together. Biology, which happened to be the last one today, happened to be one of them. You were already sitting in the last row when Eddie rocked up, slightly late, taking an empty seat near you. Deep in your mental void, you didn’t even acknowledge the teacher rambling about this year’s assignments and how it will affect the final grade so you better do your best and pay attention. Unsuprisnigly, you also missed the part about the first one being a partnered project. Partners allocated, not chosen.
“The list is already done, no whining if you’re unhappy with your partner. Life is unfair, deal with it.” You caught the end of it only by chance as the teacher stood directly in front of you snapping you out of your thoughts. “Daydreaming is also not advised in this class Miss Harrington.”
“Got it. Sorry.” You pulled yourself up from the desk to look more put together.
Once the class was dismissed, you fled the room without hesitation, heading to the lockers. While putting some of your books away you saw Eddie approaching and cut him off as soon as he got to you.
“Look if this is about the assembly, it’s okay. I don’t care what you think of Billy…”
“Oh no, I was just going to ask how you want to do this project thing.” The confusion on your face told him you had no idea what he was talking about. “You know…biology...the lesson we just had?”
“Oh right. So I assume we’re partners then?” You try to offer a weak smile to cover your embarrassment. First day and you already had no idea what was going on.
“Yeah. You ran out before the list was out but yeah we’ve been assigned to get this presentation done” He said waving a few papers in the air, handing half of them to you. “I got your copy.”
“Thanks.” You took the papers. Your fingers touched for a split second and you felt him shiver under your touch.
“So…should we agree on a time and place to get this done?” He pulled back a bit and scratched the back of his neck with his now empty hand. “Library? Mine? Yours? I’m easy.”
“Anywhere but here please.” You said immediately. Maybe too quickly. Eddie doesn’t know what happened to you here. Well, in the Upside Down version of here. “Sorry, it’s just that this place is so depressing. So is my house. Can we do this at yours?
“Sure.” He said with a sympathetic smile. “My place is not exactly a mansion, but if you’re willing to venture out to the trailer park mi casa su casa or whatever it is.” You nod and let out an awkward laugh.
“I was actually there this morning, I’m willing to take the risk and venture back.” Now it was his turn to look confused. “My friend lives there, I’m giving her a lift.”
“Well I did not see that coming” He laughs “But if you’re free on Thursday you could come by after dropping your friend off?” He asked suddenly feeling scared of rejection even though the situation left no room for that. You were meeting up for a school project not a date. But Eddie wasn’t used to speaking to pretty girls for longer then a drug deal.
“Sounds good. I think I know where your trailer is. I saw you car this morning.” You saw Max walking in the distance behind Eddie and waved at her with your car keys in your hand. “I’ll see you later Eddie.” You offered one last smile before you made your way to Max who was now waiting for you by the door.
“See you later, Y/n.”
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angrelysimpping · 1 year
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November Prompts Day 28: Smoke
Briar (they/them); Bailey (they/them); Reader (you/you); drugs; multiple partners 
Another special lil shout out for @inkyquince for the one line they gave me that irrevocably altered the trajectory of this in such a nice way 💕
Words: 650
Bailey hates visiting the brothel. Music blasting loud enough for them to feel it in their bones, whores grabbing at them as they pass through the dimly lit space. The only tolerable part about it is how Briar keeps the place clean. They don’t think they could stomach it if their shoes started sticking to the floors during visits.
They’d never tell Briar this, though. Otherwise, the brothel owner might actually relax their cleaning standards to make Bailey uncomfortable enough to invite them to the orphanage for their bi-monthly meetings. 
Over Bailey's dead body will they invite Briar into the orphanage. Already bad enough Briar’s eyes wander during the meetings at the brothel. Briar wouldn't hesitate to take things further, and Bailey is well aware of that. Inviting the fucker into the orphanage? Into their own office? Into the room that shares a wall with their bedroom? They know Birar would feel like they’d won, in some way.
Won what? Bailey doesn’t particularly know, nor do they care. As long as they can keep Briar from giving them that smug fucking smile, keep them from leaning over and murmuring in their ear, keep them from placing a hand on their knee and giving it a soft squeeze, Bailey is happy.
They don’t bother knocking on Briar’s door. Maybe they should have, but they know Briar would have just called them in any way. Briar’s never been shy, especially when it came to taunting Bailey.
Taunting them. That must be what Briar's doing because why else would you be here, sitting in Briar’s lap in sheer clothing that covered absolutely nothing?
There’s a panic in your eyes as you see Bailey, pressing closer into Briar as if they can somehow hide you when it’s their doing that you’re here to begin with. If anything, Briar shows you off more, gip on your hip keeping you from squirming out of their lap, your thighs spread to accommodate Bria’s legs between them. It gives Bailey a clear view of your arousal, precum darkening the thin fabric around your crotch. 
“You’re late.” 
Bailey’s eyes snap to Briar's, the brothel owner smirking as Bailey scowls, “I’m here, aren’t I?”
Briar laughs and Bailey doesn’t bother arguing to have you leave the room, taking their customary seat on the sofa in Briar’s office.
Your eyes dart between the brothel owner and your caretaker, a small, pathetic whine building in your throat as Briar’s hand strokes over your thigh, coming dangerously close to brushing your groin. 
“Come on pretty,” Briar murmurs in your ear, “don’t tense up on me now. We’re going to show them a good time, aren’t we?” Bailey’s scowl deepens as you give a mewling whine, nodding your head eagerly.
Bailey hadn’t noticed the joint between Briar’s fingers before, but they can’t ignore it now as the brothel owner brings it to their lips, end flaring as they inhale. You don’t need prompting, eager lips parting expectantly and waiting for Briar to shotgun the smoke into your mouth.
Obedient. Far more obedient than you’ve ever been for Bailey.
“Go on, little star,” Briar chuckles, letting you slide from their lap. “Give your caretaker a sample of our latest, tastiest concoction.”
Bailey expects you to scurry from the room, to grab some strange bottle of wine. They’re too shocked to fight you off when you push them to lay back against the sofa and straddle their face. Not too shocked to think Briar didn’t plan this as the brothel owner laughs again, slotting themself between Bailey’s legs. 
They could still push you off them, slug Briar in their stupid fucking face and leave the brothel. They could. 
They don’t. Not when you’re breathy and whining above them, begging for them to ruin you on their tongue. Not when Briar's sinfully skilled hands dip beneath their trousers. Not when they can finally get what they deserve.
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zmediaoutlet · 1 year
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happy wincest day, z! (every day, every day)
a q for u: in my head, you're the queen of the 'established relationship' fic (if that's a mischaracterisation, apologies, you just do it so well), but if you had to pick the time (season/era) when they most likely crossed that line, when would it be?
side question: what's a season/moment for first-time that you find underrated/unconventional/fascinating?
happy wincest any day, all the days! (sidenote I keep having these ultra busy weekends and there's no sign of that stopping so oh man, catching up on asks is a Task! but here I am! so strong, admire the strength -- anyway -- )
I do not mind being queen of established relationship! It's my favorite fic model -- like I almost never click on first time, haha -- so it's a good thing to be known for. :) My... very very boring answer to this question is that 'most likely' just entirely depends on the background & sexualities of the Winchesters you've decided to work with -- all of which can change a lot even inside wildly canon-feeling presentations, because the nice thing about Supernatural's canon is that there's a ton of wiggle-room to play with their histories and internal processing. There are places you can go which start to feel OOC, but like -- it's trivially easy to say that, e.g., Dean did sex work for an unspecified period pre-pilot. Sam had a bi-curious moment in college. Sam and Dean were alone in a cabin in Wyoming for three straight months and started to get stir crazy. When he was 17, Dean and John [redacted]. With all of those potential options, 'most likely' gets really hard to pin down.
THAT SAID: the model of the Winchesters that I personally Queen Z of Established Relationship Grotto prefer to go with is:
a Dean who did a non-personally-traumatizing amount/degree of sex work in his late teens/twenties; a Dean who is bisexual but of the model where he tends to sleep with women because they're easier/more practical, but leans homoromantic and operates in a more neutral men-who-have-sex-with-men model where they Don't Talk About it; Dean and John were Some Kinda Way (emotionally if not physically incestuous); Dean is aware that his own feelings over Sam are fucked up; and then
a Sam who is mostly straight although doesn't tie his personality to that fact, bc he knows himself pretty well and doesn't need to front about it; a Sam who may have had a same-sex handjob or something in college but, again, it doesn't definitionally change anything for him; a Sam who actually kind of leans aro, mostly because the only relationship he really needs is the relationship with Dean; a Sam who knew that Dean and John were Weird (but not the extent); a Sam who wants a lot of things, but he really wants to want things, which is substantively different.
So: given those two guys, I really like them hooking up very specifically in the area around 2.02, Everybody Loves a Clown.
It's a great moment for a lot of reasons. John's looming presence is cut out, although of course that ghost haunts them still and the effect of his death is a shockwave that changes things massively for both sons. Sam's dragged closer to the family (too little, too late) and turns inward in a big way; Dean's sense of loyalty is cracked in half, both because of John's loss and because of the unthinkable last job he was given, and he's turned toward rebellion for possibly the first time since he was eight. Plus it's just a good atmosphere: hot, oppressively sweaty, that uncompromising sun beating down and searing away all the shadows they used to lurk in. No matter who starts it, they're both in a wildly unstable place and the underlying rules of their relationship have changed -- something that I think is key for a first time to feel legit. It's also one of my favorite places for the ostensible one-and-done that might lurk in the bg of 'first time in a long time,' another of my happiest fic models: that e.g. Sam was drunk and grieving and made a pass at Dean, and maybe they kissed and maybe they even crashed the yogurt truck together (my new favorite euphemism for ejaculation), but that afterward it's put away, and it's not until like s11 that they open up that box again.
As for the side question: since I don't really like first time, this one's tough, but I will say that I'm pretty done with first time in s1. They barely know each other. Give them a minute. Get some s12 maturity-and-shock feels when their mother's gone a-fucking-gain. Get some s6 when Sam's freshly resouled and Dean's so happy he could light up the room. Wendigo? Wen-suck my dick.
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I have one quick question, personally I find most of all other men physically unattractive and am turned off at the thought of doing anything sexual at all with them but I wouldn't mind dating one and I might be okay with just regular kissing, do I still count as bi? A friend insists I'm straight for that but like I said I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to dating one
Hey sorry for the late response. At the end of the day, you're the only one who can determine what sexuality you are. That said, just a few tips to help you figure out your own journey:
-its ok to be wrong. Remember you're allowed to get it wrong. Lots of people don't realize their sexuality right away, only for them to discover that part of themselves later. It's ok. Just let yourself be first and foremost. Let the label come afterwards.
-lack of repulsion ≠ attraction. I don't dislike men. I may understand how one might be more or less attractive than another. I don't like the idea of kissing or having sex with one. But the idea of dating one isn't a terrible feeling. It's pretty meh or whatever. But I know that's not how I experience attraction. Some people might for various reasons. But I'm well aware that I don't. So I know I'm not attracted to men. How do you feel like you experience attraction?
-i'm not bisexual. So I can't say for certain the best way to figuring out if you are. But there was a short time I thought I might be. And I really just tried to dissect why I thought I was bi. did I actually like men? Did I get excited or at least semi happy about dating one? I know I'm excited about dating women. But you don't have to be attracted to everyone the same way for it to still be attraction. Did I just like saying I was bisexual? Was I afraid of calling myself straight because of my friends who aren't? I'm trans, so calling myself straight before I realized I was trans was just weird. I never considered myself straight in my entire life. So maybe it's because I'm just not used to calling myself that?
Asking yourself questions can really help figure out reasonings behind your thought processes and help you either realize your actual sexuality or help you feel more confident in the one you already knew you were.
-less about sexuality and more of a dating advice thing: don't date someone if you feel "meh/whatever" about it. Just don't. "I wouldn't mind dating you" is very different than "I want to date you." I speak from experience that dating someone when you aren't actually excited to be with them makes you feel guilty and miserable.
-all of that said. If you're attracted to everyone you're bisexual. There isn't a certain threshold you have to reach to be "valid." You're allowed to be more attracted to one person than another. You're allowed to want certain things outta one relationship and different things outta another. None of that takes away from your attraction or sexuality.
-while it's important to listen to others and to not call yourself something you're not, at the end of the day, it's not anyone else's business. I won't tell someone they aren't [x] unless they've asked me for advice on it. Cuz it's not my business. And the same goes for your friend. It's your business and yours alone. Take your time. You'll figure it out. It doesn't need to all be done right now. You've got your whole life.
-I repeat. Take your time. There's no reason to have every thing defined all the time. Just let yourself be. Experience all manners of relationships as you feel comfortable with it. The more you just let yourself be you, the more the right label will find you. You come before the label. Not the other way around.
Hope that helps.
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Breaking my hiatus for a bit to post this for Bisexual awarness week since Im Bi!
Happy late Bisexual day to all my bisexual friends and bisexual folks on this site! 😊
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For the ask game!! 😡 🤢 🏳️‍🌈
this sequence of emojis looks so homophobic oml-
you come into my ask box on this day, the lord's day, with a homophobic sequence of emojis???
⚠️🚨 controversial takes ahead 🚨⚠️
😡 - biggest fandom pet peeve?
y'all know it's the excessive twinkification of my main mans artie but like otherwise in general i think some cosplayers rly give the fandom a bad name when acting fools in public. obviously not all cosplayers are cringe but... if the shoe fits
🤢 - what aspect of canon bugs you the most?
getting crucified for this but i think francis' name should really be spelled françois, alas it is not! lately i've been using his canon name more out of respect for hima/Compliance w canon but when i started writing again i used françois so you will see that in most of my major fics (they're just diff versions of the same name so i digress. i'm actually not that bothered by it, this is just what came to mind)
🏳️‍🌈 - favorite gender/sexuality headcanons?
bestie if you get me started on france's gender/sexuality we will be here all day and it's 5:42 am
general HC, most characters are probably bi/pan with some exceptions? for those who weren't aware from the title of my personal hellscape, and like 90% of what i write, i literally do headcanon fran babe as bigender (bio man+ trans woman) genderfluid, happy with he/him or she/her, any title is good, monsieur or madame/mademoiselle but doesn't like sir. LOVES being called arthur/alasdair's wife. theoretically pansexual but mostly androsexual/androromantic (read; will flirt with everyone but needs his Strong Man, can't see him long term romantically with a woman but that's just me)
thank u very much for the ask, i loved these Q's and if anyone wants to scream about the bearded lady u know to hit my line!!! 💖💅
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ezekieltobiasfletcher · 4 months
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"Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you."
— Carl Jung
Sonofabitch. It's true. Things are okay in my relationship with my partner, but I'm really working this year to not let my "-isms" overwhelm them. Living in our COVID bubble for a couple years exposed some ways how my anxiety/depression/adhd can put an undue burden on my partner, and I'm working my program to better handle that shit. Things with my "sister" (chosen family whose been in my life for a loooong time) have been complicated lately. While I know that if the chips were down, she'd be there for me in a heartbeat, but there's been a growing list of things that I can't talk about with her for the time being. If I push too much, she'll go radio silent, and that won't be good for either of us. It sucks, but this is just a period of time where she needs me more than I need her, and that's okay. I've had much healthier boundaries with her since I actually started working my program, and that did wonders for our relationship. Still... I've lost her as my everyday, random thoughts/fears/OMG-i-need-to-share-this-with-someone-or-I'm-a-gonna-explode, bestie. The only two other people I have after that are my sponsor, who has long since become a trusted friend, and my therapist, or as I have been jokingly referring to her as, my bi-weekly rent-a-friend. I can't shell out more $$$ for therapy, and while my sponsor is an awesome human being who I feel safe with telling my deepest thoughts to, he and I are just different enough that I don't see us doing more than having coffees and going for walks and bike rides. So, as my overall mental health continues to ebb and flow on an excruciatingly slow yet upward trajectory, I've been pouring my "loneliness" into Tumblr lately. It's a safe place for me since I don't share it with people IRL (like my other social media feeds except reddit), and frankly, Tumblr has always felt like a safer place for LGBTQ+ people, and people who have to work harder at their mental health that all the "normies" take for granted every day. (I swear to the gods, if one more normie gives me toxic positivity vibes, I may have to finally smash my happy-go-lucky mask once and for all and just let it rip. Okay... I'm still too much of a people pleaser to do that, yet. Fuck.) Frankly, I need to find another meeting or an Adult ADHD support group. Not that I can't say what I feel in my home meeting, but the group decided to keep it an electronic meeting after the mask mandates were lifted. I had last Friday off for Veteran's day, and my sponsor invited me to a meeting he goes to during the day. The topic was exactly what I needed, I shared from a depth of my heart that I haven't in a while (I didn't realize I was holding back subconsciously because I wasn't consciously aware that was fearful that someone in my house may overhear me even though I close the door during my e-meeting), and I talked with a person in the parking lot of the church after the meeting for almost as long as the meeting itself. I haven't done that since before COVID, and I haven't had that post-meeting pink cloud feeling in a long time. I guess I need an in-person meeting. So, where do I go from here? Well, I need to search. I am committing to myself that I will find a list of meetings/support groups, and start trying them after the holidays. I have way too much going on between work and the ramp up to the holidays. If I'm not careful, and I try to solve all my problems too soon, this motivation will blow up in my face. I'm not desperate. I am not alone. I'm only feeling a tinge of loneliness every now and then, but always at the worst time with a low mood. One step at a time, one day at time.
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wild-moss-art · 6 months
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happy belated birthday week and bi awareness day from your esteemed unhinged bi scorpio mutual. i was dealing with the horrors so as an apology here’s a cup of virtual coffee: ☕️.
THANK YOU ESTEEMED UNHINGED BI SCORPIO MUTUAL 🙏 happy my birthday and bi awareness day to you! I’m sorry to hear about your horrors and require no apology for lateness. But i will take the coffee 💖☕️
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