"Living Only For You" - Aemond Targaryen x Niece!Reader
a/n: from an anon request for a veer zara au with aemond. this was very emotional to write and i hope it lives up to y'alls expectations 🩷
Summary: For the last twenty years, Aemond has been living only for you - the hope of seeing you again.
TW: canon typical incest, profanity, innuendo, she/her pronouns, AFAB reader, character death, angst, non explicit descriptions of sex
Word Count: 2,250 words
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the House of The Dragon/Fire & Blood characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.
Comments, likes, and reblogs are never required but are immensely appreciated 🩷
Aemond thinks- no, he knows he’s loved you since the first time you smiled at him. It’s one of his most precious memories. You had just left a lesson with your septa and were sitting beside Helaena, the two of you munching away on some lemon cakes you’d stolen from the kitchens. Aemond passed by the two of you after his own lessons, only to stop when you called out to him with that sweet smile of yours, offering him one of your sweet treats. He sat beside you as you broke the cake in half, placing it in his palm.
Though your brothers and Aegon often mocked him for not having a dragon of his own as the two of you grew older, you never did. You simply offered that he could sit beside you any time you took to the skies atop Aegarax. You were his constant companion, his first and only love. Ever since he realized what love was, he knew it was what he felt for you. When you were both nine years old, he pressed his lips to yours for the first time, his cheeks a bright shade of pink as you sat under the Heart Tree in the Red Keep.
Despite the objections of both of your mothers, your affection only continued to grow. Long, lazy afternoons spent together reading, sneaking into the city to see what life was like outside the walls of your sheltered Keep… You did your best to convince Jace and Luke and Aegon to be kinder to your sweet Aemond, and though he appreciated your valiant efforts, they bore no fruit. The boys continued being cruel to him up until the time came that you and your family departed for Dragonstone. You and Aemond shared a tearful goodbye, embracing each other tightly before your father had to carry you away from him and to your dragon.
The next time you saw Aemond, a mere few weeks later, was for the funeral of your Aunt Laena. Despite the sad occasion, the two of you were thrilled to see one another, spending every moment possible together before the time came that you were to be separated yet again. That night, when your brother took his eye, it was your arms he fainted into you, your embrace he sought in the following days before he healed enough to leave Driftmark. The two of you vowed to remain in contact by raven, your young hearts breaking as you were torn from each other yet again.
Aemond once heard a saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. He found that to be entirely true when it came to you. The letters you exchanged over the years, the words of love you wrote to him… His heart may have been hardened after that night, but for you? Never. Aemond loved you with an intensity that nearly frightened him.
When he learned that you would be coming to King’s Landing with your family, to speak in Luke’s favor regarding the Driftmark inheritance, he felt his heart pound in his chest in anticipation of seeing you again. And when he did? He could scarcely tear his gaze from you. The two of you exchanged smiles from across the throne room, standing beside your respective family members. He mouthed his hello to you and you covered your mouth to hide the smile that spread across your face. And when you came to him after the hearing was over and you beamed up at him, commenting on how he’d become more handsome than you even dared to dream? It felt as if he was staring into the sun itself.
The two of you spent the afternoon together in the Godswood much as you did as children. Aemond laid his head in your lap, gazing up at you as you read to him from a book of Valyrian poetry, one the two of you enjoyed reading from in your youth. You ran your fingers through his hair, your touch soothing his heart like a healing balm. In this moment, you weren’t the daughter of Rhaenyra and he wasn’t the son of Alicent. In this moment, you were two young lovers, exchanging tender kisses and words of love away from the prying eyes of those who sought to tear you apart.
“No matter what happens, who our parents betroth us to, where our lives take us,” Aemond murmured, his breath seeping into yours as he leaned in close to you, “I need you to promise me that you’ll remember something.”
“Anything, Aemond,” you whispered, your hand caressing his cheek.
Aemond leaned into your touch, the way a flower leans toward the sun, craving its warmth, “That if you ever feel alone or long for a friend, that you’ll remember there’s a man across the sea. A man who would gladly lay down his life for you. A man who loves you dearly.”
You smiled at him, that same smile you did when you offered him that lemon cake all those years ago, pressing your lips against his in a kiss so pure, so gentle that it made his heart ache with how much he loved you.
That was the last time he saw you before the Dance of the Dragons began in earnest. Your family was torn apart by the fighting, though never once through it all did his love for you waver. He recalls Daeron asking him once how much he loved you. All Aemond could do was give him a rueful smile and shake his head, saying that words strong enough to answer his query did not exist.
The world was led to believe that Aemond Targaryen the Kinslayer perished alongside his dragon in the Battle Above the Gods Eye. Few knew the truth. That Aemond languished in a tower in the Red Keep as punishment for his crimes. He watched as you were told of his death, helpless to do anything as you fell to your knees and sobbed. After all, you were out there and he was but a prisoner. Your mother came and informed him that you were to be wedded to Cregan Stark. That the wedding procession would pass by Aemond’s window. And so he watched as you married another man, his chest aching with unbearable pain.
Nothing, not the fall from his dragon nor that night on Driftmark, was so painful as this. As watching the love of his life marry another, watching you grieve for him, tears in your eyes as you wed Cregan Stark. Aemond cried too, Gods, how he wept for you. He watched, heartbroken, as you were paraded through the streets of King’s Landing, sent off to Winterfell in your new husband’s wheelhouse. Aemond screamed until his voice was no more, begging that someone free him of this torment, that someone allow him to see you.
But it was to no avail. The wounds each side had left during the Dance were too fresh, too deep to be forgiven so soon.
So for twenty years, Aemond languished in that tower. He did not speak, he did not smile. All he did was write. He wrote of his memories of you, his love for you. That was all that kept him going during the darkest days of his life. Your smile, your embrace, your kiss. He was living only for you, living for the impossible dream of finding you again, of touching you again.
Loving you again.
After your mother’s passing, Aemond is surprised when it is your younger brother, Aegon, who took mercy on him at Baela’s urging.
“My sister is a widow,” the king told him, a somberness to his expression that spoke volumes, “Lord Stark passed a fortnight ago.”
Aemond’s voice, hoarse from disuse, rang out for the first time in two decades that day as he replied, “I am sorry for her loss.”
“There were rumors that she was barren,” Aegon continues, gazing out the window that Aemond has for the last twenty years, “She never bore him any children. I do not think that was the case. I think that in her heart of hearts, she never wished to bear anyone’s child save for yours.”
Baela speaks now. Aemond notes the seriousness in her expression as she stares at him, lips set in a firm line.
“How much do you love my sister?”
Aemond looks at his cousin, shaking his head, “Daeron once asked me the same question. I did not have an answer to it then and I do not have one now. Words powerful enough to describe my love for her do not exist. All I can say is that these last twenty years, the only thing that has kept me alive is the hope that one day, in spite of all odds, I will see her again.”
When you arrive at the Red Keep, you are immediately greeted by Baela and Aegon, your half siblings embracing you and offering their condolences for your loss. You smile at them, returning their courtesies with your own.
“Thank you, Your Grace. Baela. I have made peace with it. My husband was a good and just man. He will be mourned by the people of Winterfell. However, I am quite sure my stepson will be an excellent Warden of the North. Rickon is much like his father.”
Baela suggests you go to the Godswood, pray to Cregan’s gods to give him a peaceful journey into the afterlife. You heed her suggestion, walking the familiar path, smiling sadly as you remember the days you spent here with your true love. You kneel in front of the Heart Tree, tears pricking at your eyes. And you speak as if Cregan stands beside you, unaware that in fact, there is someone nearby listening in.
“Lord Husband…” You start, taking a deep breath, “You were kinder to me than I deserved. More understanding than you needed to be. You knew my heart would always belong to my sweet Aemond, just as yours belonged to your beloved Arra. You never forced me to lay with you, to bear you a child, a kindness I will never be able to repay. Though I did not find love in our marriage, I found a dear friend. One who I will miss greatly. Our conversations brought me joy, and your kindness brought me comfort. I pray to the old gods and the new that you may rejoin your beloved, as I may one day reunite with mine.”
You hear a twig snap behind you and move to your feet, turning around to face the intruder. And your heart nearly stops.
There he stands, his face thinner, more gaunt than you saw him last. His hair pulled back in a braid, a gentle smile on his face.
Your Aemond.
You cover your mouth, “You… I thought you were…”
Aemond takes a step toward you. For him, you look just the same as you did when you were eight and ten. Just as beautiful. And he still loves you as he did then. He reaches a hand out, resting it on your cheek, his calloused palms rough against your soft skin. You place your hand over his, your tears falling freely now, your voice choked.
“I thought you were… My mother said…”
When your hand touches his, it is as though he’s woken from a thousand year slumber. That the sun has finally risen in his life for the first time since he last saw you. Everything dims around him, except for you. You look so beautiful. After all this time, here you are.
His words catch in his throat as he whispers, “I missed you.”
You throw your arms around him, nearly tackling him in your embrace, bawling against his chest, “You’ve been here. All this time and I never knew.”
Aemond nods, his own tears spilling as he embraces you tightly, burying his face in your neck, inhaling your familiar scent, his entire body shaking with sobs, “I have. I… I watched you mourn for me. And all I wanted to do was comfort you.”
“Twenty years…” You say quietly, wiping your eyes, “They kept you here…”
“My only thought, my only reason for living, was to see you again.”
As if drawn together by some unseen force, your lips meet Aemond’s in a desperate, passionate kiss. You cling to his tunic with one hand, the other knotting itself in that beautiful silver hair that you’ve not touched for so long.
“My love,” he murmurs, “My life.”
The two of you fall to the ground, holding each other tightly, not caring who is watching, how much time has passed. All you wish to do is savor the time you now have together. Aemond wastes no time joining his body with yours. The feeling is so intense, desire pooling in your belly as you cling to him. It’s as though this is what he was made for. To make love to you. And part of him feels that his seed will take. That the two of you will be able to begin the family you dreamt of for so long, the one you never thought you would have. Your arms wrap around him, the two of you crying tears of joy, of pleasure, the reunion being so bittersweet that you can hardly bear it.
“Let us go to Pentos,” Aemond begs, “Let us begin our lives together.”
You nod, “Yes, my love. Let’s go home.”
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I Grew this for you, Ives.
Luke Castellan X Daughter of Demeter! Reader
Summary: Your secret meetup with your boyfriend, Luke, might have been interrupted by Percy Jackson.
Warnings: MakeUp...MAKEOUT- I MEAN. Language (Tell me if i missed one!)
Author's note: It might be kinda weird that the title doesn't match the summary but trust me, it's worth reading. + If you saw a fic from another blog the same as this i requested it and decided i wanna make the fic myself.
___
New kid, New responsibility. You were known as being motherly towards every kid that stepped in Camp Half Blood. And Maybe, Just maybe, Percy Jackson considered you as his Camp Mom, It wasn't new for older campers seeing a new 12 year old boy follow you around and look up at you with big puppy eyes along with Grover's confused look, but oh well.
Ever since your Godly Mother, Demeter has claimed you, Luke has called you Ives since then. It all happened when three years ago, you ended up in Camp Half blood after your mortal father has been killed by a chimera, much to his sacrifice, You might have offered some small offerings to your Brother In Law, Hades, to watch him in the underworld. Your first week into camp half-blood, Chiron had announced that Capture the Flag will be the first game for the day, you were teamed up with the reds (Much to your disappointment) you were near the cabin fire when two boys from the blue team had cornered you (One of them was luke) you raised you hands to cover yourself but then, Two ivy vines sprouted out the soil and blocked them, horror washed over you when one of the vines that you 'accidentally' summoned strangled one of the boys, Luke was able to escape and still..Blue team one.
While they were celebrating, The red team started ranting angrily about how you made them lose, You sat in a corner, your head leaned against an oak tree as you sobbed, then, a bright greenish-yellow light appeared with gold sickle with a few sheaths of wheat above your head, No one was there, not until a group of campers saw you, they ran and moments later, almost dozens of campers were in front of you, including chiron.
"All Hail Y/n Y/L/N, Daughter of Demeter"
Bunch of flowers started sprouting near you, The forest and plants looked much more healthier in your eyes as every one knelt down, Including Luke, Who gave you a mischievous wink.
"....And this is the mess hall, You're always designated to sit with your cabin mates but that depends, most unclaimed kids just sit with their friends" You said, Glancing at Percy, The young boy just nodded shyly and coughed,trying to hide his blushing cheeks.
"Looks like someone has a crush on you" Luke appeared behind you with a grin, Percy's eyes immediately went wide, making you chuckle.
"Crushes don't hurt, it's admiration afterall" You whispered before giving percy a light kiss on his cheeks, leaving luke shocked.
One of you halfsiblings, Althea, called you over. Apparently, another one of your half sibling's EX boyfriend from the Dionysus cabin used a lard grapevine to ruin the bathroom door inside the cabin while you sibling is showering out of rage and jealousy.
Now, As head of your cabin, It's either you spent one whole hour being lectured by Mr. D out of his favoritism or...Plead with one of the Hephaestus kids to fix it for you.
What a day.
Giving Luke and Percy one last smile, You left.
__
"C'mon Felix! This is the only time that i've asked for a favour out of all the favours i've done for you, You'd do it for me" You pleaded as you followed him back and forth inside his cabin's workshop.
"Look, Y/n, I love you as my friend, but i can't do it, not right now"
"What if i give you a 25$ gift card from burger king and......" You scouried your pocket hoping to find something, Your eyes lit up as you felt a bill in your palms "50 dollars...and...." You then went to pat your bra and pulled out a coin. "A Peso"
You then placed it in his soily hands, Felix's face remained calm, he then took the money.
"It's warm..." He said kinda horrified...You pulled the peso out of your bra for the gods sake!
"Take it or leave it."
He then rolled his eyes and grabbed his toolbox.
"Lead the way"
You squealed and hugged him before pulling him to your cabin.
As you watched him repair the door in silence, Felix broke the silencce by purposely dropping a hammer to the ground, the loud clattering sound made you flinch a little, he smirked "Thinking about Luke?"
You snorted, as if tho you weren't actually thinking about him, "No, i'm thinking about Percy"
"The new kid who broke Clarisse's spear? he's badass"
"mhm, Son of Poseidon"
"Speaking of, How's Luke?"
There was a moment of silence before you replied.
"Fine"
"Just 'fine' ? No ungodly things happening?"
"No" You could've bursted out laughing.
"I don't believe you, C'mon tell me some elaborate details"
You raised your brow, a mischievous glint appearing in your eyes.
"Actually, if you finished that, i'll tell you"
The Hephaestus boy huffed and went back to work
After an hour, Felix finished repairing the door and bid you a goodbye (Along with a side-eye)
__
It was now 11 pm, the Campfire sing-along ended almost an hour ago, and you were in your cabin, re-arranging your stuffed toys for the 5th time, (Making one plushie lay beside you will cause chaos among the plushies)
"Carrie..You go here and..Princess should be right....here, Done!"
All of your plushies were in order when you heard a knock from the window near your bunkbed. then, you saw luke, still in his usual camp shirt, unlike you who was in your rather inappropriate pajamas.
His eyes first landed on you, he then grinned before groaning and landing on your soft bunk bed.
"Hey ives-"
"Luke, what're you doing here?!" You hissed, afraid that your half siblings might caught you two.
"Can i not see you?"
"You can, but not at this time" You huffed, But he was still grinning before pulling a flower pot, with a rose.
"I grew this for you, Ives" He whispered, His eyes carefully scanning you expression before you chuckled.
"You know i can grow this in seconds?"
"Mhm, But still, I love you 'till the very last rose in this entire world wilt into ash"
A smile graced upon your lips before luke grabbed your cheeks and kissed you, the flowerpot fell into your bed, the soil staining your new bedsheet, You couldn't care less.
You deepened the kiss by pulling Luke by his neck, and a groan escaped his lips, his calloused hands then slowly went up your shorts making you moan a little, His hands became closer and closer and closer until-
"Luke?"
You two pulled away, Luke's hands were still in your inner thighs, he took a peak into your window and saw Percy, in his cute pajamas with messy blonde hair.
"Percy" Luke breathed.
"What's up?"
"The Apollo cabin seemed to be having a party, the noise is too loud and i can't sleep, i was wondering if you could go see it "
You then peaked into your window, your cheeks were pressed against luke's
"Y/n? Wait..what are you guys doing? and...why are you in her window?" Percy asked, his drowsiness seemed to have vanished.
Luke couldn't even answer percy himself, he started chuckling softly before burying his face into your neck and smothered it with kisses.
Percy then stood still before realizing, he cleared his throat, but before he could leave you called him.
"You know what? I think Luke could actually take a look at those Sun Brats" Luke immediately groaned and looked at you.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously. Go help the poor boy"
"Yes Ma'am"
He then got up and just as he was about to climb down your bunk bed you stopped him.
"Nah uh, You can leave where you entered"
The dark haired boy chuckled, and and started climbing down the window, before he could jump back to the ground you kissed him one last time, But this time, the kiss was much more passionate. You could've sworn percy made a gagging face before turning around.
"I love you Ives"
" 'Till the very last rose in this entire world wilt into ash" You said, Luke's eyes soften.
You watched as he and Percy went to the Apollo cabin to resolve the chaos.
The flower potted rose sat in your bed, You took it, and glanced at the beautiful red beauty, You sniffed the fragrance before placing it near your window as you felt Hypnos' warm palm caressing you to sleep.
__
The next day, The first thing you did was bang into Felix's cabin, Giving him every detail from last night as Luke, along with percy watched you from afar.
A/N:
Hey Guys! I've been gone for too long and i just watched the new PJO series and i have to be honest, I fell in love with Charlie as Luke so here's a little treat for you guys while i finish my other fics, i do hope you guys like it!
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✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ And I wouldn't marry me, either.
You were Azriel's mate, but it took losing you three times for him to realise.
[this is long. i'm talking 5k words long so i've split it into two parts. anyway, azriel is the best bat boy and no i won't hear anyone out. i'm so excited to write for him and hope you enjoy. it's very angsty but that's what i love. i hope i can write more for him and maybe other characters if you like. it's been a while since i've actually read the series so if any information is wrong, do let me know. also it was my first time using the term y/n and yes, i cringed NOT PROOF READ... enjoy]
warnings: references to sexual assault and references to suicide. nothing explicit but please don't read if this is sensitive to you.
Part 2 soon…
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The first, was the worst...
You were Rhys's half sister, the bastard daughter of his father. But when your mother had died giving birth to you, Rhysand's mother took you in and raised you with your brother and sister. You were so little and adorable that your sister loved you at once. Rhys did to, at some point of your life, you were sure he actually cared about you.
But when his mother and sister had died, his eyes shifted, he started to look at you with contempt. After all, you were only his half-sister. The worst half. He only kept you around because it's what his mother would have wanted.
And because there was no way Cassian and Azriel would ever let anything happen to you.
Besides, Rhysand knew when to use you.
Although Azriel was his spymaster, you were pretty good at staying swift-footed too. And you were frankly, very terrifying when you wanted to be.
You tread with power through the war camps, all of them looking at you as you went. All of their gazes wrecked with a predatory gaze. They either wanted to have their way with you, or kill you. Or both.
Rhys had said you could handle it, it was only supposed to be a check in. Cassian hadn't liked it, neither had Mor but it was Azriel who had almost- and for the first time- disobeyed his high lord to accompany you. But no, your brother wanted you to do this alone, so alone you would.
Just to show him you could.
'I can come with you,' Azriel had said, standing in your room as you tied your boots up. 'I won't even have to be seen.' At that, his shadows wrapped up your calf.
You smiled at them, as if they were his own pet. 'I'll manage just fine. Besides, i'm sure that's what Rhys wants, me needing a man.'
It had done nothing to calm your friend. The worry was still stuck between his brows, marring his handsome features. You'd held his cheeks, your wings hiding the two of you. His large ones (enough to swallow the both of you) over-lapped yours.
It was the last time you'd feel your wings.
The war camp wasn't as easy as you'd hoped. It was terror and horror in a place. You'd been to the court of nightmares, you'd gone to the slaughter of the spring court after they killed your family. But this, this was hell of another kind.
You had no idea how many days you'd been locked up, wrists bound in chains and hanging from the cell roof above you. Blood rolled down your arms from the force you'd tried to use to get them out. Your eye was swollen shut and your body trembled in pain.
All because they wanted to know your brothers secrets, and you wouldn't budge.
Your check was only supposed to be a day, but you were sure it had been longer. Days of endless pain and torture. Your uniform hung in rags of stripped material, your hair matted with blood and hiding your face.
You'd used the last of your energy to keep your walls up. You weren't anyone's mate, you didn't have anyone on the other end trying to feel what you felt. But should Rhys come looking (though you doubted it) you didn't want him to feel it. You didn't want anyone in your mind.
The gates opened with a sickening clash.
One of the Illyrian's knelt in front of you, his wings hiding those coming in behind you. 'Listen sweetheart. I don't want to make this any harder than it's about to get. All you have to do is tell us your brother's hide outs.'
You grit your teeth, staring down at the ground.
'So loyal, to a man who doesn't care if you live or die.'
Suddenly, your wings twitched as hands grasped them. Brute hands, the sort you wouldn't want touching any part of you.
Fear spiked in you, horror twisting your gut. 'What are you doing?'
'I told you I didn't want to get things messier, darling.'
You whipped your head from side to side, trying and failing to get a look at the assailants behind you. Your wings were being held apart, no matter how hard you tried to bat them away. You knew the sort of people they were, and what they did to girls like you.
That's when the begging started. 'No, no please. Anything. I'll do anything! Beat me, kill me, rape me, not my wings, please!'
'Anything?' the bastard asked, tongue poking out from his lips. 'Then tell me where your lord's hideouts are?'
You should betray him, you thought. He would never lose his wings for you. Perhaps it was stubbornness that kept you from, or maybe you were clinging to the last bit of love you want from him.
The bastard scoffed, 'anything, she says. Your brother has his own bitch wrapped around his finger.'
That's when they started hacking at your wings.
Your screams tore through your throat, blood spitting and dripping down your chin. Tears soon joined when they hacked away at the bone, the membrane, the flesh of it all. The three of them worked through your screams and your tears and your pain, tearing and cutting at it like it was nothing more than paper.
Not your whole life.
Let them hear you. You hoped your brother heard you, you hoped all and every court heard the pain.
Eventually, even you couldn't keep screaming. The only sound was the hacking away at your wings and the drops of blood.
'Now look at these beauties. I've got a perfect spot on my wall for these.'
They left you after that. There wasn't much more damage they could do. It already felt like they'd destroyed your life. You had never really thought about your wings, they were just part of you, as much as your wit or hair was. But they'd took it and now, you felt empty. Never would you fly with Azriel again, or use your wings to smack Cassian over the head.
Rhys, your dear brother, had took that from you.
The days blended in together after that. You were pooled in your own tears and blood, vomiting up anything they forced down your throat. No, they'd made it very clear they didn't want you dead. They just took pride in making it feel like you were.
At some point, you'd stopped reacting to the gate opening. You let them do whatever they wanted with you. Your wrists were still chained, arms still hanging up, your clothes hanging on your thin body in strips of dirt.
'No...' you heard a mumble. 'What have they done to you?'
Suddenly, the chains gave way and you lurched forward, with no strength to catch you. Luckily, you didn't have to, as strong and warm arms pulled you into his chest.
'Hey, wake up, look at me, dammit.'
Azriel.
You'd know the voice in the darkest days, in the pit of your worst nightmare you'd know.
You try to speak but your head's heavy, your lips are stone and your arms can't lift to hold onto him. You're exhausted, you're dying. The only thing you could do use all your strength to try to open your eyes.
'Please, please, look at me. You have to look at me,'
You were trying, you wanted to tell hm, snap at him, but you couldn't.
You felt Azriel shake, or maybe you were. Then, there was wet drops landing on your cheeks- you flinched.
'I'm sorry, i'm sorry. Rhys! Rhys! hurry up, please!' he was screaming. You'd never heard him scream before.
You heard the rush of feet at the cell doors, you knew it was your brother. You knew it from the presence of him, from the shuffling of feet and chocked sob. Your brother didn't cry, least of all for you.
'Her wings, oh mother, her wings,' said Azriel, his voice barley above that of a whisper.
Your wings. You didn't need reminding. They were gone, long and far gone. You were without a part of you, the very part of your soul that loved to be free. Never would you watch the stars up close or fly over everyone. Never race Cassian or make jokes with Az.
No, this would destroy you.
'y/n,' your half-brother called. 'No, y/n. Can you hear me?'
Your lips parted, mumbling. 'Hurts.'
Azriel's grip on you tightened. 'I know, we're gonna get you out of here, just hold on for me.'
You wanted to tell him you would hold on, you'd always need to hold on to him. That, no matter what he asks, you'd do it. To kill, to live, to breathe, to die.
And that's when it clicked. Amongst all the pain and the doubt. In your blood soaked clothes. In the fear you wouldn't make it, there was a tug. Weak and one-sided, but there. You knew you'd be safe with Azriel, knew you would always be with him.
Mate.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The pain subsided to a dull ache, there and beating but not excruciating. You were warm and covered in a soft material. Nothing like the cell you'd been kept in. Your fingertips sunk into something soft- a bed. Your bed. It was familiar in its lavender scent to you and the silk wrapped around you gave you some semblance of warmth.
Your wings.
Even coming to consciousness was difficult. You were exhausted but light, without the weight of wings holding you down. You'd never realised how much you needed to feel that weight, to feel pulled down in order to be free.
Gone, all gone.
Your hand twitches around something cold, a shadow holding your hand, creeping up your side.
'You're awake, thank the couldron.'
It wasn't Azriel, master of the shadows. It wasn't your mate. Mate. The word replayed like a terrible song in your mind.
How dare the mother do this to Az. How dare he- nothing but loyal and kind- get stuck with a person made in darkness, who bled shadows, who's heart was so full of hate there wasn't room for love. They'd cursed Az, with you.
But luckily it wasn't him, it was Rhysand.
'It really happened,' you whispered, voice hurting from the screams.
He sighed. 'I'm sorry, i'm so sorry. We-we thought you weren't going to make it, you'd lost so much blood.'
In spite of the pain in your shoulders, you made a shift, turning from him as he ranted on about your condition.
'y/n... sister, please,' he said. He'd never called you sister before. He'd always been content to treat you just like you worked for him.
'Leave me alone.' you couldn't bare to look at him, couldn't bare to face him. The shadows at your hand grew heavier, as if more were piling on. You stretched your fingers away from them, trying to get them off you.
'Are you in any pain?' asked Rhys.
'Get out,' you mumbled.
The end of your bed dipped where Rhys settled, hand splayed on the covers, begging for your hand. 'y/n.'
'Get out!' you snapped, body tense and straining. You felt your wounds open up, blood wetting the bandage around you. But you didn't care. You'd happily bleed if you couldn't fly. A part of you, sick part of you wanted to be left there. It would be better than false sympathy.
Be better than your mate being disgusted.
'Get out!' you yelled again, voice tearing through an aching throat.
'I just want to help you! please, let me help you!' said Rhys, standing from your bed and walking around, trying to face you.
'I don't want your help!' you screamed. You reached for the closest thing you could, a jug of water and chucked it toward him. You aim was terrible, marred with pain and exhaustion. 'Get out!'
Though hesitant, Rhysand slowly started walking back to your door. He did it all looking at you, his hands out to show he wasn't gonna hurt you, but you didn't care. You went for the glasses next and chucked them but they landed against the door which he disappeared through.
Before it slid close you caught sight of Cassian , Mor and Azriel. All crowded, all waiting to see you.
You'd be happy if you never let them see you again.
'Can we see her?' you hear Mor ask.
'Give her time,' said Rhys.
The shadows at your hand grew heavier, darker, tighter.
'Go away!' you yelled at them. To anyone else, you probably looked crazy, screaming to darkness. But the shadows understood. They departed, slithering away and under the crack of your door where you could see the shadows of feet.
Tumbling from bed, you stumbled over and locked the door, leaning on it to and catching your breath. Your nightgown was starting to get sticky with blood all over again. When you closed your eyes, you pictured the cell, the rough hands holding you down, the chain keeping you up.
And the pain, it all washed over you. The hacking at your back, the sting of a slap. It hit you like a tone of bricks as you slid to the floor.
There was a knock, rattling the door.
'y/n,' Cassian. 'Please let us in.'
Us. You felt him on the other side. Your mate, his presence lingering. His shadows under the door, wanting to come in but keeping their distance.
He didn't know. It hadn't snapped for him, you could tell. It was one tug on your end, a chord in your heart. At least he couldn't feel what you did. At least you could shoulder it alone.
'Please.' his voice was almost your un-doing. He sounded so sad, so desperate. It hurt you just to think you were hurting him.
Tears streamed down your face as your curled your fingers into a tight fist. You assumed Mor had left with Rhys, leaving you there with the males.
Cass was always like a brother to you. Granted- a brother you had slept with once or twice- but he was your best friend. You'd always been close to him. But you'd always been good, a happy person.
You couldn't be that for them now, perhaps ever again.
It lasted like that for hours. Cassian and Az begging to come in, you curling into a ball with tears down your cheeks and blood down your back.
Eventually, they gave up. You couldn't hear them anymore and the shadows of their boots had disappeared.
Except Azriel's shadows that still lingered under your door. Maybe he'd ordered them to be there while they left you.
Eventually, you managed to find your footing on shaking legs. Your room was large, one of the largest. It was just as much a mess as it was when you'd left for you mission, clothes thrown over the place, books propped open on the pages you'd left them on. Everything was the same but could never be again.
It took you longer than you'd care to admit to get to your windows and throw the curtains close. Candles light at your request, the house looking after you as it had since you were a child.
You caught sight of yourself in the full length mirror. It seemed smaller, everything in the room felt too large and you too small, as if you were being swallowed by the expanse of it.
Your frame was small in the mirror, your hair disarrayed. Your eyes were red and shutting of their own accord from the tears that had drained you. The starving in the cells had made you look weak, made you feel weak.
And your back. There was no more looming black figures there, no more fluttering. There was just nothing. In spite of the ache as you lifted your arm, you felt around your back, feeling the hitch there, the lump from where they'd been torn from you.
You cry. You sob. You scream.
The scars were long and the nightdress was sticking to you by the blood you'd shed. All you could do, was hold yourself up as your body wracked with tears.
A breeze came from your windows, shadows tugging at the curtains.
You felt him before you saw him. You wanted to tell him to leave you but you couldn't talk without chocking. Without feeling like you couldn't breath.
Azriel had you in your arms before your knees could hit the ground. He fell with you, softening your body on the floor. His arms held you into his chest, his legs caging you into his body. His head rested on yours as he held you. He didn't try to talk, he didn't try to help. It was just him, you and his shadows.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Azriel remembered dozing off with you, his head on yours. His arms holding you into him, as if it was up to him to keep the sadness away and take it for you.
Afterall, you were his best friend. He should have been there for you, and he'd failed terribly by letting you get hurt and your wings stolen from you. He could hate himself every day for it, for letting you down. But it would never amount to what you felt for yourself and that killed him.
He could see it in the way you cried, in the way you were already keeping everyone out. He'd rather die than let you go through all the pain alone.
When his hands had been scarred by his brothers, you'd help heal him, tell him about everything he still was and all the power he still held in his hands. In the worst days, when he didn't let anyone touch him, he let you.
It was always you.
Azriel wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, or how deep. He was sure he was still with you, still in your bed.
His shadows crept up on him, engulfing him slowly and whispering to him. Your name, just your name on repeat. It was enough to lull him back into sleep, to keep him calm.
Gone. Missing. y'n. Roof.
He shot up and ran fastest than he ever had in his life. It was as if he'd never been asleep but had been fighting a battle with the way he raced over.
He burst through the doors, the cold hight air hitting him.
You stood facing the stars, your bloody back to him. It wasn't as much blood as when he'd found you, but it was still enough to put a lump in his throat.
Immediately his shadows fell to you, cascading down your body and wrapping around your waist. There was a breeze in the air, pushing your hair back and exposing more signs of the pain and torture you must have gone through.
'I'm not gonna jump, if that's what you're thinking,' you said. You didn't even have to turn to him. The shadows probably told you enough.
'Why are you up here?' he asked, walking to you slowly and with careful steps. As if every step closer could you push you away from him.
'I'll never feel the win properly again,' you answered.
Azriel gulped down his own pain. You’d never sounded so small. ‘Can you get away from the ledge?’
'I'm not on the ledge.'
'You're too close for my liking.'
'Leave if you don't like it.'
'Don't do this,' he said.
'Do what?' you asked, folding your arms over your chest. You were cold, out in the hight but you wanted to see the stars. Needed to see them.
'Make me leave. Make everyone leave you. I know that's what you're doing. It's what you do every time,' you could feel him dawning closer. His shadows were all around you, almost drowning you.
‘Every time,’ you scoff, stepping down and turning on him. ‘It’s not every day you lose your wings Azriel! But don’t let me stop you from leaving, flap them and go!’ You yelled, unable to stop yourself, no matter how hard you tried. You didn’t want to hurt him, you just wanted to be alone.
Mate. Mate. Mate.
'You jump and I’ll catch you,' he said. He was a step away, he could just reach out and touch, just a gentle caress. 'I swear it, whatever you do, I’ll follow. I’m not letting you get away.’
He watched your back shudder as he reached out, brushing knuckles against your shoulder blade. He heard your sharp inhale follow.
'Don’t think I won’t follow, y/n.'
Finally, you turned around in his shadows. You couldn’t meet his eyes but at least you could face his chest.
His hands were gentle on your shoulder as he rubbed it gently. 'Can I get Madja to clean you up?' He asked.
You nodded as he led you away. You truly did not deserve your mate.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Fifty-two years later...
When Amarantha had trapped the high lords of Prythian under the mountain, it hadn't be a conscious choice to follow your half-brother down. How Amarantha had allowed it, you weren't sure, but perhaps she wanted to use you just like her brother, or she thought it would bring more pain for him to see you suffer under there too.
You and Rhysand had barley spoke the last two years.
It had took you almost two months to heal fully enough to leave your room, another few months to face your family again. But even then, everyone knew something had changed in you. You didn't laugh as loud or smile as wide.
Rhysand was careful to ever let you out on a mission. Mor tried to take you out every night. Cassian spent all day every day with you and Azriel- he'd healed you better than any nurse.
Still, you had not told him he was your mate.
Still, you thought he wouldn't want it.
Still, you cared for your brother enough to not want him to go alone.
But being under the mountain, you could avoid your mate. At a painful price.
Until her. Rhys's mate. He hadn't shut up about her since he first met her, much to your dismay as you had to sit around and listen- having absolutely nothing better to do. And it only got worse when she turned up under the mountain. She was declaring her love for Tamlin- again, annoying your brother, and throwing Lucien into danger- which rather angered you. You had nothing against the ginger.
Rhysand had once sent you to find the girl to summon her as part of a bargain he'd made. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to look too forceful. You'd been lucky enough to find the two tangled up in each other against a cold wall, clothes ripped and hips moving together.
'Well, well well,' you'd intterupted.
Tamlin all but growled at you, but feyre was looking over you- evidently confused. She had no idea who you were. You, in your skimpy outfit that Amarantha kept you in (they all dipped low at your back, showing off your scars) and your eyes that were like a night sky.
'Amarantha's looking for her pet and Rhysand is looking for his. Honestly, i'd be a bit more worried if I were you. You know, considering Lucien still has an eye to lose.'
The two parted with your words as you sent Tamlin back to his master, the high lord glaring at you as you went. While Feyre tried to fix herself.
'Rhysand is over there, better not keep him waiting.' That was the first time you met her, having no idea how much trouble she'd be worth. The family that she'd become.
But Rhysand made sure you knew it all. From when the bond snapped in him and he'd stumbled. He ranted and ranted as they climbed out.
If only you were so talkative about Azriel. If only you could talk about him with your brother. But you'd tried not to painfully think about him. Climbing out of the mountain. It was all you could think of.
Maybe he'd have forgotten you? it had been fifty years. He'd probably realised how happy he could be without having to take care of you.
Rhys was allowed out of the mountain, he'd felt the breeze in his hair but you hadn't in fifty long years. You stood there a moment, bathing in the warmth as everyone left, as everyone ran off for their families and courts and the war that was inevitable. Eventually, Rhys offered you his arm. 'Shall we go home?'
He winnowed you there, on the balcony of your home. In a cloud of black smoke, the two of you appeared.
He went first, slipping through the doors slowly- like it could all be taken from them any minute.
You were hesitant, taking a moment to glance at the landscape behind you. It hadn't changed, not at all. The mountains were still there, everyone was still alive. Your home. In the last years it hadn't felt like home, but how could anywhere ever feel so close in your heart.
When you could find your feat again, you managed to slip through the doors. You were suddenly aware of how little clothing you were wearing, just enough to cover your chest and run down your legs. A chill settled down your back, your scars would be on show. What a way to great them all after fifty years.
Mor had her arms around Rhys's shoulders, crying into his shoulder.
Behind them you caught Amren, with something like tears in her eyes. You were just about to tease her before a body barrelled into yours in a blur of red syphons and your feet were lifted from the ground.
'Cassian.'
His arms tightened around you. You shoulder started to dampen with tears, his tears. The last time you'd seen him cry around you was when he'd seen a dog with only three legs. 'I'm keeping you on a leash from now on, stupid idiot.'
Your arms wrap around his shoulders, a smile gracing your lips. 'Is that a promise?'
He held you longer, tighter, not daring to let you go but at least settling you on the ground. He sighed against your head, controlling himself. 'He's missed you, you know,' he said. He was the only one you'd told, about your mate. 'Now that you're back, tell him. He deserves to know.'
Cassian slowly pulled away, holding you at arms length and smiling at you. He kissed your cheeks and then your forehead before parting to Rhysand.
Mor approached you next, slapping you in the arm.
'Ow!'
'Why would you follow him?' she snapped.
You blinked at her before she took you by the arm she'd slapped and embraced you, like a sister would. You dared not looking over her shoulder to find the one who hadn't come to you. Maybe Cass had got it wrong...
Mor pulled away, wiping at her eyes.
Azriel was as beautiful as the day you left him. His hair was the same length, he was the same height. He was just as you left him. It was hard to tell fifty years had passed on him.
And inside of you, tugging in your soul and heart you felt the familiar string of gold throbbing. But you still didn't feel that tug. You'd hoped it would have faded from you after half a year separated. Or at least have snapped for him. But no such relief.
He approached you, slowly. As if he was scared of scaring you away. But you just stood there.
His arms were delicate and soft around you as he brought you into his chest. He still smelled the same, cedar wood and shadows. Shadows that wrapped around you, shielding you from the rest of the room. They caressed you, head to two.
You held onto each other for what could have been another fifty years, but this time, it wasn't so painful.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Although nobody wanted to part after yours and Rhysand's return, you were exhausted. A trip to Rita's could wait another night or two. The only thing you wanted to do was hide in your room.
Strangely, your room looked lived in. As if somebody had moved in since you'd left. A moment of anger replaced grief. Had they brought someone else and given them your room? but then you smelt it, Az.
Lying in bed that night, exhausted, you couldn't find sleep. You closed your eyes and pictured Amarantha. You'd never been afraid of her, you weren't afraid of anything. But you re-played the horrors. Watching servants beat Feyre, watching Amarantha use your brother and on the occasion, even you. How she flaunted. How the most powerful lords were weak.
Under your door, shadows seeped in, rushing across the room to you. You smiled, watching your hand disappear in their darkness.
'Azriel?' you called.
There was shifting on the other side of the door before he slipped in, clicking it shut behind him.
You sat up in bed, shadows moving with you. 'Couldn't sleep?'
He wondered in, looking around your room. 'Sleeping's been... hard.'
You rolled over, opening the blanket and nodding your head. You couldn't think about the bond, not yet. Not while he looked so.... ruined. Beautiful- the most beautiful person in the world, but sad. As he climbed in next to you, you could see the dark circles under his eyes, his shoulders slumped and his wings too.
His eyes scanned over you. You were in a thin and silk night dress that only brushed your knees, but the way he looked at you, mother you could've been naked. 'Fifty years,' his voice sounded barley controlled. 'Fifty years. You followed your brother down for fifty years? Why would you do that?'
You gulp. 'I would've done it for any of you. Except maybe Amren, she'd probably enjoy the peace for fifty years.'
You go to brush your hair back but Azriel seizes your wrist. He was angry. That's why his voice was rough and his chest rising and falling with barley controlled emotions. Could he feel it? your nerves, your lying?
'You left. You should've stayed, y/n, you know Rhysand didn't want you under there with him,' he said. 'For fifty years I haven't been able to sleep through a night thinking about the pain you must have been going through. After I swore to keep you safe, after I promised to catch you every time!'
'You couldn't have stopped me. You didn't promise, Az.'
His grip grew tighter. 'It went without saying.'
You looked around his eyes, seeing the pain and grief there also. Slowly, you brought your other hand up. He flinched as you took his cheek but eventually settled as your thumb ran over his cheekbone. 'I won't leave again, ok? I promise.'
He gulped, letting go of your wrist and looking down. 'I slept here,' he mumbled, but just loud enough to hear you. 'I couldn't sleep in my room. This was the only place I could rest.'
Your heart stuttered. Your hand dropped from his cheek. This man was your mate. Your mate. Your only love, whether or not the cauldron deemed it.
Azriel took your hesitation. 'I-i'm sorry, you probably didn't want to hear that. I've probably ruined your one place of peace-'
'Stay,' you said, before you could think of what you were asking. 'Sleeping wasn't exactly easy under the mountain either. I just trust I won't have to put a wall of cushions between us.' as if you wanted that. As if you haven't thought about his calloused hands all over you.
Azriel smiled and stayed the night.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The third time he almost lost you, broke him...
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
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