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greenokapi · 3 months

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So… what do y’all do when you wanna do a bajillion things but you can’t settle on which thing to do so you just kind of end up doing nothing?

… lissen I’m still only recently diagnosed with adhd so I still don’t know how to work with it… I wanna draw so many things, wanna make merch, comics, I wanna write a fuckton of silly cringe fanfics… I wanna make videos? Like maybe youtube videos rambling abt stuff while drawing but then I don’t know if anyone would even be interested in that, and besides I haven’t done video editing in…. Probably close to 20years? What program should I use? Anyone got any tips on that?

I also wanna make stuff, lil bead things like these guys I made a while ago for example

I also wanna try doll customization cause it’s kinda only been the last decade or so where I’ve allowed myself to like dolls… reasons for that being … uh… gender stuff… it’s like only now in my life, around 30 have I finally gotten somewhat close to getting a grasp on my gender and sexuality, and I never even really realized before that this was something I had a problem with? Which probably makes no sense tbh…

I also wanna do sculpting and even paint, after art school teachers made me feel like I should never paint again bcs idk man I wasn’t up to their standards 🤷

And… I wanna do all this stuff but not only does brain say ‘adhd my guy’ but there’s also my increasing health issues that… I mean I’ve always had them but I guess getting older makes it harder and harder to constantly deal with them… and that’s another thing I never really realized was so bad until back when I was in Japan in 2015-2016 as an exchange student and would have to go to the hospital increasingly often bcs of pain nobody could diagnose… aand then I was shamed for it bcs having to go to the hospital in the middle of the night sometimes was a huge hassle to the dorm staff, idk I was a problem…

Since then I’ve had two operations and will probably need to have more in the future. Also, amusingly, when I finally got diagnosed I was looking at the list of symptoms, all of which I could relate to in at least some way, but the ones that stood out, for some reason, were ‘constant exhaustion’ and then below it was ‘insomnia’ and… maybe I’m not actually lazy when I’m tired all the time? But y’know, I don’t really wanna use a chronic condition as an excuse to just do nothing, plenty of ppl have chronic problems but still do stuff with their life… but when I think like that I also remember this isn’t a ‘pain competition’ or something like that and different people just have different capabilities to deal with chronic pain and such… idk, I honestly think I’m still trying to come to terms with the realization that being exhausted and in pain all the time probably counts as some kind of disability….. but I don’t feel like I’m allowed to say I’m disabled bcs I do also have good days, you know? I should probably try harder to just DO things?

Ahem, it’s like 9AM and I haven’t been able to sleep and stuff hurts… I just wanna go do something productive but instead I’m whining on here which I probably shouldn’t do bcs this is the internet and strangers can see what you post and maybe use it against you but also sometimes you just really wanna rant into the void… or maybe more like semi-void cause idk, maybe someone reads this and can relate or give advice or just talk or something? Buuut you suck at talking… then later you feel embarrassed about your tired rambles and probably end up deleting them and just bring them up in therapy later like you should…

Anyway, until this embarrassment pops up I’m probably gonna try to find some painkillers and go draw or something -3-

#Rambles #Negative #I guess #sorry about that jgchhf

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exeggcute · 2 months

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My gf works in tech and it's good money and great bennies, work from home, a hip workplace, her coworkers are getting loaded... and then between your posts and this Tumblr drama it seems so messy and then my girlfriend's company makes the national paper BC the CEO "resigns" after sex pest allegations and the company wants to IPO with a new (American) CFO and well. looking from the outside I have to wonder if the money and casualness is worth the often quite public messiness.

oh man, "company wants to IPO" is already a doozy in itself but "company wants to IPO immediately after ousting sex pest CEO" is a real one-two punch lol. at least they got rid of the shitty CEO, but I'd definitely watch out with the new CFO because shitty CFOs who ascribe to the "save a penny to spend a pound" philosophy love to come in and slash random costs only to find out six to nine months later that the costs they cut were... not things you really want to cut. so fingers crossed this isn't a sign of layoffs on the horizon :/

honestly though. it can be turbulent out here in softwareland but I would be lying if I said I didn't still enjoy it, despite the messiness. it's certainly never boring (and the money doesn't hurt). but I do think a lot of companies have this sort of ebb-and-flow lifecycle where you can come in at a stable time and solve interesting problems with cool people, until the company either gets too big for its britches and turns into a bureaucratic nightmare or doesn't bring in enough money and starts circling the drain. jumping ship a lot (either by choice or by force) becomes the norm, which has its own pros and cons, and then you have the holdouts who stick around at the same company for so long that their butt and their office chair start to meld into one indistinguishable mass.

the company I got laid off from a few months ago is definitely in the "circling the drain" phase right now—right after the wave of layoffs I got caught in, the guy who'd been the CEO since the company's inception "stepped down" (i.e., the board wanted him out) and I'm not confident that the new guy is gonna fare any better trying to steer a company that lost some pivotal clients to bankruptcy and that's still catching its breath in the wake of an ill-fated merger. the fact that they're hiring back my exact role for more than they ever paid me is not a good sign 🤷

and sometimes it's fun because of its messiness, not just in spite of it lol. tomorrow I have an "interview" with that place even though I already accepted a job offer somewhere else for a better title and a 25% raise... but I can't wait to gather intel and maybe, god willing, get some fucking closure on the whole thing

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bigolgay · 2 months

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Trigger warning: early stage miscarriage (10-11 weeks).

(Long post. Also I do go into semi graphic descriptions, so proceed with caution. Mention of clots and things)

Should I add a mature label on this as well? This is a super sensitive topic and I don’t wanna trigger anyone or force this on anyone.

So I started typing out a whole rant thing about how I’m feeling mopey because I wish I wanted kids and I started talking about my miscarriage… and quickly realised… I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before?

Which is SHOCKING because I overshare sm on here lmao.

So… time to overshare on the internet about something no one asked about! I honestly find it hard to believe I’ve never mentioned it before though, so maybe I have and just forgot about it? But yeah, I kinda wanna talk about it in a way, I never get to talk about it and I think this sort of awareness and discussion is important? Maybe I’m not the best person to be having it, but it was a big event and I’ve never really talked about it since it all happened.

But yeah, I had a 10-11 week miscarriage when I was 16. Wasn’t super sad, I knew about the pregnancy for less than a week when I miscarried. And was gonna have an abortion anyway. So🤷. So the story goes, I had consensual sex with a boy (we all make mistakes) and I was young and dumb and didn’t use protection (use protection kids), but also I had already been told by doctors that the chance of me getting (and I suppose staying) pregnant would be difficult without medical intervention and aid, so I guess I just assumed it wouldn’t happen…

Hehe lol it did🫣. Wasn’t a big thing. There was no super obvious symptoms. I was already fatigued, maybe a bit worse but I put that down to me being half way through my first year of A levels. I don’t think I had any food cravings? Had a few food aversions, but I can go through phases of being a picky eater, so nothing stood out there. Didn’t vomit much, had a couple days where I’d eat something that wouldn’t sit well and would come back up, but never often enough for me to catch on and think something was wrong. Have always had super irregular periods, so missing 2 months didn’t stand out to me. The only thing that baffled me a little, was my sudden hatred for the smell of a hand soap we had at the time downstairs in the kitchen. I’d previously quite liked the smell (I believe it was like… eucalyptus and cucumber? Or something like that) but I suddenly started HATING it. Like not just turning my nose up at it, but straight up gagging if I caught a whiff of it. And my mum had told me that she had something similar when she was pregnant with me and she had a few things that she could no longer stand the smell of.

So as a joke I mentioned it to my friends, and one of my friends had a missed period so she was like “let’s do a pregnancy test together!” And it was supposed to be silly and funny… until my one came back positive🤣then we all were like “😧”. Cue the usual panicking and my friends assuring me “it’s gonna be okay! We’re here for you! You’re gonna be a great mum! Think of how cute it’ll be all dressed in baby clothes!” And I’m stood there like “…uh, this is all super sweet you all being so supportive. But this is getting ejected from my body at the earliest possible opportunity😃”.

So I spend the next 5 days trying to figure out how to tell my mum, and I plan to tell her maybe a week into March, because February is the birthday month (both of my older sisters, my step sister and my mum) and I didn’t wanna add more stress. Didn’t end up getting a week into March… because on the first of March I had super bad cramping and had really heavy bleeding and (this is a bit gross) it was like… there was more tissue than I would have on a usual period, and the cramps felt different? Deeper in a way? It’s hard to explain. But they were like… mild contractions so🫣🤷. I realise im miscarrying and im like “well shit… gotta tell mum now🙄” so I call her into the bathroom with me and I tell her I was/am pregnant but that it’s currently being ejected from my body. She says I’m a silly bugger and is hella confused about how because I was an out and proud lesbian already and I’m like “🤷”. She asks all the usual questions (was it consensual? When did you find out? Should I call the doctors?) and then we just sit there.

This is the only bit that’s at all emotional for me. But after about an hour? I ask her to leave me be for a bit. Because it kind of hit me all at once that I was pregnant and I’d just lost it? And I didn’t want it at all. I was too young and I knew kids weren’t for me. But it’s still emotional? It’s hard to explain. So i cry. A lot. From emotions and the unrelenting cramps that made my legs shake. And for the next 2 hours I stay on the toilet and I cry as I pass everything (tissue and things). But after about 3 hours cramping basically stopped, and I wasn’t passing anymore clots or anything.

I bleed quite heavily for about a week and a bit afterwards, but it was basically just like a period at that point. And that’s about it. Telling my friends that they wouldn’t be aunties and uncles was weirdly difficult. I cried some more then too I think. I felt weirdly guilty about losing it? Like they had been in the group chat making all these plans and baby names (literally during my miscarriage I was reading their messages😃). And even in person they’d be touching my belly and talking about how excited they were. So I felt in a way I was letting them down. Uh I spoke to a councillor at college about it for a few weeks. But then after about a month it all faded into the background and was forgotten. And now I barely think about it! And I guess barely mention it!

Anyway! Sorry for the randomness of this! I just started ranting about it and realised it felt nice talking about it to the internet, where I won’t have to deal with seeing the physical reactions of people finding out about it, and it spiralled. Sorry if it got too graphic. I tried to keep it vague.

Moral of the story: Miscarriages are scary, even when the baby isn’t wanted. And also, I overshare way too much on the internet.

Note: I intentionally made this sound nonchalant. Please don’t go thinking miscarriages aren’t traumatic experiences🤦mine wasn’t super traumatic and it doesn’t cause me much trouble now, but it was incredibly unpleasant. I’m sure most people who have miscarriages are far more affected by it than I am. I was just already mostly in acceptance that I’d be getting rid of the baby anyway. Just because I made it sound mild, doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful. Physically it was painful and draining, emotionally it was draining. So yeah. Keep that in mind!

#tw miscarriage #hey look!#another vent #vent post #this felt weirdly good to get off my chest #cathartic?#I dunno if that’s the right word #but it feels good #anyway!#I’m gonna head to bed now #nunight!#who threw the tennis ball!?!🎾

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bulldog-butch · 4 months

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i think if you’re asking for the most popular blogs vs the ones people actually appreciate vs blogs in the broader queer community you’re gonna get the folks who appeal to the broadest audience - i.e. ppl who go viral for being skinny/white/abled/<insert here political majority>. 🤷

on that note i’d like to nominate @inkskinned who isn’t specifically butch/femme but imo is pretty influential on wlw tumblr and whose writing has been really formative for me personally!

i mean of course. but i would argue that the people who go “viral” on tumblr for being skinny and white and conventionally attractive don’t actually often tend to be pillars in this community. they usually post a few pictures, get a ton of notes, but then don’t contribute much more than that so people don’t really look to them

also i really am just trying to get a gauge one who people view as those pillars, it’s not meant to be a commentary on who should or shouldn’t be

#asks #anon

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caroll-in · 3 years

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Ask Game!

I have been tagged (forever ago, I'm so sorry you guys 🙈) by @inspiration-in-process and @drarryruinedme7 - thank you both so much! 🥰

1. why did you choose your url?

I kept with the theme a 17yo Karol set for her ancient digart and dA accounts, I curse that dash to this day tbh xD

2. sideblogs?

Hmm, it's tricky - I have one that was supposed to be my art portfolio that I haven't used in years, as well as some urls saved just in case... but let's face it, I'm too lazy to manage sideblogs, throwing all my interests and random shitposts into one bag is much more my style hahaha

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

exactly 9 years! 😱 I joined in June 2012

4. do you have a queue tag?

nope, it's either radio silence or spam of 3 to 9 reblogs in a row from me, there's no inbetween 🤸‍♀️

5. why did you start your blog?

I followed my friends who moved here from dA

6. why did you choose your icon?

I don't even remember where did I set it as an avatar first, but Kozimierz the goat chillin by the huge ass pile of macaroons is a MOOD and I got used to him so much I now have it set on all of my fandom accounts xD

7. why did you choose your header?

the one on browser simply matches my icon, the one on the app is a fanart I did years ago but am still super fond of

8. post with most notes?

this one! 🎉

9. how many mutuals do you have?

is there even a way to check that? not sure, but I love you all, babes! ;u;

10. how many followers do you have?

slowly approaching my 3k milestone and I'm still amazed AS FUCK that there's so many of you here!! 😱😱😱

11. how many people do you follow?

302

12. ever made a shitpost?

look, I joined Tumblr in 2012, of course I did 😬

13. how often do you use Tumblr each day?

I check the app daily (if I'm bored then a few times a day, if I'm busy - at least once), tho I no longer manage to scroll all the way to the point I saw last - I used to do that religiously back in my uni days!

14. did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog?

I try to avoid drama and don't reply to anon hate, but there were a couple of times that I got pissed on my friend's behalf and threw my opinions to the argument 😠

15. how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

if I want to reblog something, I'm gonna; if someone tells me to - I most likely won't just because 🤷

16. do you like tag games?

YES! And I'm always so giddy when I see someone tagged me! I'm so sorry that it takes me WEEKS to join in sometimes tho :')

17. do you like ask games?

yes, tho I'm more often the asking one than the one who starts the game - I used to never get any asks on those and I guess the fear it might happen again stuck with me even to this day 😬

18. which of your tumblr friends/mutuals do you think is famous?

I don't believe in "fandom famous", if that's what it means?

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

um 😳😳😳

tagging: @slytherco @cibeewastaken @babooshkart @pineau-noir @dragontamerdame @bluebutter-art - assuming you guys haven't done it already 🙈🙈🙈

#tag games #about karol

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mintchochipkookie · 3 years

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Hi!!

18, 23, & 29 for the character ask 😏

Atla, please! 💛

Hi Nanu! 💛 I feel like you know my answers to some of these? 😭 I've voiced them before and they're ✨controversial✨ so here we go

18. Who is most in need of a good ass-kicking I've mentioned my opinions on him several times and...sigh...A/ang. (Please, no one come at me if you like him I just don't care.) I very briefly go into it here but oh god I have so many more thoughts about him. There's also this great post by @mudbend. 👀

23. Who I just don't understand AT ALL Why are you doing this to me ahahahaha it's Jet. More on that here and here. He's just so meh and barely counts as a character to me, and everyone loves him so ????? what am I missing here

29. Who I'd call in an emergency Oooh okay this is a fun one, but also I'm gonna cheat and give you multiple answers because it depends on the situation. Gonna think of a situation I might possibly need a friend for irl and pick a person (I'll limit myself to just the gaang):

For when I need backup to verbally berate an asshole - Katara I don't shy away from conflict tbh and I love giving my opinions (clearly) but I don't always have the energy for it. Especially when it comes to politics, I feel so strongly, but I just can't get into things anymore and you know what? Katara would be a leftist too, and she would 100% back me up in a fight.

For the night before an exam that I'm gonna fail - Sokka Too often I want to die when I'm doing my hws or studying for exams. If Sokka was around today, he'd def be some kind of STEM major (wouldn't put it past him to be a data analyst which would be perfect), and I feel like he'd be really really good at it. I've had full-blown breakdowns in the library at 4 AM because I had no one to help me soooo yeah...

For when I'm frustrated and need to let out my feelings - Toph Okay, Toph is my second fave on the show and she's so underrated. People don't give her nearly enough credit for her emotional intelligence and she would for sure let me feel my emotions. If I wanted to just scream them out, or if I needed a drink and a cry, or I needed to rant, she wouldn't stop me either way and she'd just...BE there for me.

For when I need life advice - Suki So I'm still upset that they didn't flesh Suki out more, but! She seems so mature and she's a natural leader of a group of warrior girls???? OF COURSE she'd be a great older sister! She's also very confident in herself and fully embraces her "feminine" side whatever that means to her. She's v ambitious/career-driven but also makes her personal life a priority. I think we would share a lot of the same values and have a similar outlook on life.

For when I'm having a mental breakdown - Zuko OKAY SAVED MY BEST BOY FOR LAST. I'm gonna try not to gush about him too much, I've done enough of that on this blog. But you know this boy will fight for you and your happiness relentlessly. He would try to understand you on a fundamental level, do his research, and go above and beyond. Also, he def has a horde of mental health issues himself lolll and some of his most famous dialogues ooooooof we would just relate to each other so hard. I think he'd be the perfect person to go to, especially just to sit in silence with, when I'm at my lowest.

Sorry I went overboard with this and idk if I'm stretching the definition of "emergency" but this is stuff that would qualify as one for me personally welp 🤷

Send me a character ask

#i had too much fun with the last question whoooops #ask #nanunanu22

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