aggghhh i'm still screaming over that scene
like
he could have killed nie mingjue right then and there
he could even have done it with the wen sword
he'd just done it to the other guy, and he had NMJ frozen and helpless
he had to know he'd never be able to physically overpower a guy like nie mingjue again
and instead of neatly clipping off the most dangerous possible loose end, he bows and leaves
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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one thing that is interesting about All Our Yesterdays though is that it shows how much Spock believes that affection is wrong - something that goes back to the Naked Time
(and Discovery used it too
But I love you.
Love? You’re not capable of love.
I am.
No, you are not. You are Vulcan, and you will always be cold and distant, like a moon somewhere.
and he internalized it)
him maintaining his shields and respecting the Vulcan culture forbids him to tell his mother he loves her, he feels ashamed that he has a friend (loyalty to a commander? that’s ok, but friendship? that’s shameful)
in This Side of Paradise he meets a woman he felt affection for, but he could never admit it and allow it. But the spores broke his shields, and he could love her (they allowed him to feel and accept something that was already there, because he wasn’t chained by his Vulcan philosophy anymore, because “respecting his father’s culture” was explained to him badly)
slowly his experiences and his closeness to McCoy and Kirk got under his skin, but he still wasn’t able to truly accept that emotions are okay to have. He needs a logical explanation for what he feels for McCoy and Kirk, and while he manages to call them friends, he still feels ashamed. In Bread and Circuses he tells McCoy he only saved him because it was logical, because he couldn’t stand McCoy genuinely thanking him, he was told “you wouldn't know what to do with a genuine, warm, decent feeling.” because he doesn’t. He doesn’t know how to accept that those feelings exist, and how not to be ashamed for having them, how not to be ashamed of accepting them from others.
In his mind, when no one can hear him, he can call women beautiful and charming and lovely, because his thoughts are only his own. But it’s also after development. Before Droxine, he got interested in the Romulan Commander who charmed him. He is more accepting, but not fully.
So when he ends up in Sarpeidon’s past and his shields are once again ripped from him and he regresses to the way of his ancestors, he’s free to allow himself to fall in love.
First, he thinks it’s ungraceful to call Zarabeth beautiful (because of his Vulcan upbringing), but shortly he’s like “But you are beautiful. Is it so wrong to tell you so?”
With no shields, he is able to speak, he is able to fully experience what he can’t when he’s in full control.
and these lapses lead him to Gol where he tries to bury all of these unseemly feelings and emotions, but then he realizes that he’d feel empty without friendship and human connection. But he doesn’t internalize it properly and then he dies (while calling Kirk “Admiral” - what a choice lol).
His resurrection allows him to not have such a strong control over himself, because he didn’t experience the Vulcan upbringing again - he only knows it in theory. His father verbally approves of his friends, and he stops feeling ashamed. He teases McCoy even more than before (“I liked him better before he died.”), and he finds himself. He finally knows who he is.
(funnily enough this knowing who he is leads him on a path to diplomacy and becoming an ambassador, rather than being in a service, because Starfleet was a form of escape; knowing who he is allowed him to get closer to his father)
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Stream Time!
hi, in case you haven't seen my other rambly posts yet I'm about to stream a new run of FFXIV with a friend in just a few minutes. It'd be really cool if y'all stopped by/said hi (no pressure, I'm a shy hoe too lol).
We're starting just as soon as my friend is ready to go but here's the link for it now!
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