#god the men you put on this earth to hunt and fish have size 30 waists now
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[HM] When Will This Book Store Burn? 001
Another day in the used book store with the sign: “Smokers and drinkers welcomed. Otherwise, fuck off.”
Wooden shelves make up the walls. Books stacked in every way shape and form. No void is spared if a book can be tilted or angled in.
The center of the store is home to a mixed crew of couches and armchairs. Shelves form out from the walls to create partitioned sections for the dozen customers to browse.
In the back corner of one of these nooks, sits a man behind a desk smoking a brown cigarette and reading a book by Freud. His AC/DC shirt and jeans catch the falling ash he’s failed to tap off into a small spitoon looking ashtray on his desk next to a coffee mug and a wide framed photo. The desk butts up against one shelf, but leaves a gap wide enough for an average sized person to get in and out.
A spiked barricade made of sharpened bamboo ensures people don’t.
“How much is this book?” A man holds a hardcover novel in his hand as he approaches the desk.
The homeless looking man behind the desk looks up from his book with furrowed eyes.
“Here’s a nifty trick.” He tells the customer, “Quickly open the back flap of the book and read out what it says.”
The customer opens the back flap of the book, “All it says is: I’m a cunt”.
“It’s five dollars.” The homeless man returns back to his book and drags on his cigarette.
“I… I didn’t come here to be treated this way.”
The homeless man pulls out a bottle of rum from under the desk and pours it into the mug dangerously close to his ashtray.
“And I should be in Brazil married to an island girl that decorates her hair with flowers.” He drinks from the mug. “Life is pain, suffering and disappointment. That’s an extra five bucks for the life advice.”
“I’m not paying you for that!”
“Oh, so you admit to robbing me.” He drinks from his mug again as he stares the customer down.
“I’m not robbing you. You-”
“Ten bucks and be on your way.” The homeless man puts his hand out as he looks back down to his book.
After a few moments, the customer puts two five dollar bills into the opened hand.
“Don’t drown in the beach if you’re going to buy another book.” The homeless man replies and puts the money in a metal box.
“Receipt?” The customer asks annoyed.
“Oh right, sorry.” The homeless man takes out a small piece of paper and writes on it.
He hands it to the customer.
Services rendered: One hardcover book and one life lesson teaching the customer that he’s a cunt. September 29, 2019. Adam.
The customer crumbles the paper and drops it on the ground as he stomps out.
Creak
Adam raises his head with his cigarette still in his mouth and looks around. Hardwood flooring makes up the entire floor. Some could confuse the shelves to be made of hardwood flooring too. Adam won’t confirm or deny that fact. With the place packed more than normal, it’s impossible to determine where it came from.
Why the two dozen customers in the store had to breathe so much was beyond Adam.
Eyeballing around, he waits for a second creak.
It never comes.
Looking back down at his book, he puffs on his cigarette…
Creak
Snapping his head up his eyes furrow.
“Who did that?” Adam yells with smoke coming out of his mouth.
The store halts and they all look to him.
“You heard me! Who went elephant stomping Thai foot massage on my floor?”
A confused look waves through the crowd.
“Poor phrasing… who creaked the floor?”
The lack of honesty in the room made Adam want to do things. Some bastard is responsible… and his water bill is expensive enough as it is. Waterboarding everyone in here is not an economical solution.
Best thing to do, go back to reading.
A customer approaches the desk with three books in hand. “How are you doing today?”
Adam looks up, “You truly want to know how a guy, who chain smokes and drinks rum from a coffee mug, is doing?”
A woman wearing a clean, pressed red blouse and slacks stomps into the store wearing sunglasses. Sunglasses that cost more than a shelf’s worth of books in this used book store. She approaches the back desk with a trendy fabric bag.
Along the way, she grabs one of the cushioned chairs from the center of the room and drags it to the desk. Scratching in a deeper cut into the flooring.
“Give me a smoke.” She demands as she steps in front of the customer.
The man meekly moves out of the way, almost afraid of touching her.
Adam looks at her for a moment, “What did you bring me?”
“Food and something better than that piss you drink.” She pulls out a bottle of wine.
Adam squints and pulls out two cigarettes from his tabletop humidor.
“No, a real fucking smoke.” She growls.
“I don’t think you deserve one. What did you bring?”
“I brought sushi.”
Adam squints at her, “I start my days with a cup of half coffee and half rum. What on God’s green Earth makes you think I want rice snacks?”
“Oh my god, I’ll get you something else later. Just-” She reaches for his humidor.
Adam grabs it and leans back in his chair. She reaches over but also tries to avoid her clothes from making contact with his desk and from knocking over the framed photo. Her fingertips just barely brush the humidor.
The customer tries to speak up, “Excus-”
“Please Adam!” The woman calls out.
“Are they California rolls?” He asks.
“Yes!” She leans a little further in.
Adam rolls his chair back just as much.
“How dare you bring that near me! Get out! Out of my store with that filth! Come back when you bring me real food!”
“It’s not fair! Everyone at work is eating out! I might have to talk to them! Don’t make me!”
“You know the rules woman! You know what this is!”
“God damn it!” The woman stomps out of the store.
The meek customer waits for a moment. Watching Adam rummage through the trendy tote bag.
“C-can I buy these?” He asks.
Adam pulls out a pressed paper box full of sushi. “It’s all fucking California rolls… god damn abomination to a Japanese delicacy. Makes Pearl Harbor seem like preemptive revenge.”
“I don’t know, I think they’re pretty good.” The customer responds.
Adam turns his eyeballs up at the man and looks at his books, “30 dollars.”
“But they say 3 dollars each.”
“Seven dollar asshole tax per book.” Adam glares. “You want those antique noir books or do you want to go twenty miles to Nars and Bogles to pick up the latest teen drama book of the summer that pushes imaginary boundaries for the spoiled brat in everyone? Screws your beach day with that lunch hour traffic.”
“Fine…” The man drops a ten and twenty dollar bill onto the desk.
“Don’t get eaten by a shark unless you’re broke!” Adam watches the man walk away. He picks out a California roll and eats it. “Hey, that’s not bad.”
The money goes in the cash box.
The woman in the red blouse stomps in with a paper container in hand. Only to see Adam’s chair empty.
One sushi box is open.
Empty.
The other missing.
“Adam you weasel!” She yells and looks around. “Where the hell are you?”
“Shut up!”
Looking around, she can only see customers. The tourists are confused while the native Floridians don’t even pay attention. Men and women randomly shouting at each other in public is nothing to be surprised of in this state.
Knock-knock
The woman hones in on the knocking coming from the floor. In one of the shelving nooks, Adam has an ear on the floor. The other box of sushi is open beside his face. He pops one in his mouth and knocks on the floor again.
“What’s the matter with you!” She hollers and grabs the half empty container.
“Shush, I’m hunting a creak in the floor.”
Creak
Adam’s body perks up like a cat hearing a mouse, “Where was it?”
The woman glares at him.
“Seriously! Where was it?”
“Why did you eat all of my sushi?”
“I didn’t eat all of it.”
“You left me just the vegetarian ones…”
“It’s your fault for getting vegetarian sushi. Who does that? Fish is already vegetarian.” Adam stands and scans the room. Watching every customer walk around. “Free book for the person that brings me the head to the creaking floorboard!”
No one is brave enough to acknowledge the mad ravings of a man that looks like Adam.
He turns to the woman, “Let’s drink.”
Adam flips the punji stick wall to walk to his desk. After sitting down he flips it back in place. The woman sits in the prior dragged chair. She already gets started snipping the end of a cigar and lighting it with a torch.
“You really had to go for a Black Market, didn’t you?” Adam grumbles.
“You ate my lunch.” She smiles back and puffs on the cigar.
“Sushi doesn’t even qualify as an appetizer.” Adam grabs the new box of food the woman brought.
The woman smacks his hand and Adam flinches away.
“No. Mine. Since you had to be a weasel.” She opens it and takes a bite out of the burger.
“I don’t think you understand the amount of stress I’ve been under.” He retorts, pulling out two mugs from his desk. “These people keep asking things from me.”
“We’ve been over this.” The woman uses the corkscrew from her purse and fills the mugs.
“No, they ask me things like How much does this cost?” He hands the woman a full mug as she lightly recorks the bottle. “There’s a goddamn sign right when they step in. Tells them exactly the damn prices if they’re unmarked.” They both drink from their mugs.
“They’re tourists Adam, they’re all idiots.” She sighs happily after her drink. “They willingly come here for Christ’s sake.”
“Hey!” A woman behind her yells out. “How dare you?”
“That’s right Helen, how dare you?” Adam scolds. Helen slouches and glares at Adam. “Tourists are a vital component of the Florida economy. They should be cherished, respected and celebrated for all the good they do for us. Without them, we would all be nothing! Nothing! But swamp people. Smoking cheap cigarettes and eating alligator toes.” Adam drinks more wine from the coffee mug.
“Why thank you.” The woman responds.
Helen attempts to avoid grinding her cigar with her teeth.
“By the way, how much is this book?” The woman asks.
“Get the fuck out of my store.”
Adam waits.
Watching everyone’s steps.
Listening.
“Where’s that damn creak coming from?” He mutters.
“Oh my God, you haven’t been listening? Have you?” Helen cries out.
“Yes I have! I’m listening to everyone’s steps in the room.”
“It’s impossible with you.” She groans and drinks more wine.
“The thing with Carl, you want his dick.” Adam announces.
“No, I said he is a dick.”
“That’s what I said, you want his dick.”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“Yes it is.”
“No it’s not.”
“Then why bring up his dick?”
“I didn’t. I was saying he’s being a dick.”
“Because you’re thinking about his dick.”
“The guy stole my client and made it look like I was trying to steal the client from him.” She groans. “You’d know that if you were listening.”
“Maybe that’s his way of asking for a date. He could have trouble talking to beautiful people and doesn’t know how to talk to a woman like you. But you barge around acting like a social goddess, looking down on those that try their hardest to fit into a society that’s quick to judge.”
“I never thought I’d see the day…” She announces with a scoff. “Someone with worse social skills than you.”
“What are you talking about? I have fantastic social skills.” Adam responds.
Helen drinks her mug and scoffs again. She looks at Adam’s serious face and is thrown off. “You’re serious? No one in this store can even tell if you’re housebroken. Not by human standards mind you. Not even me.”
“Hi, excuse me, I’d like to-” A woman steps forward with a book in hand.
“Can’t you see we’re talking?” Helen looks up at the customer from her chair. “It’s a private conversation.”
“I’m sorry, this is my sister.” Adam quickly tells the woman. “She’s visiting for the day from the mental hospital. Bi-polar with irritable bowel syndrome. Doctors say she doesn’t have much time left. I still love my sister and I’m trying to spend as much time with her until the fateful day comes. A real drag on my economic prospects due to her poor life choices. Three dollars.”
“Pfft, me? Related to you?” Helen chuckles. “More like half sister with your dad being a horse.” She puffs on the cigar.
“You’re so brave.” She tells Adam as she hands him a five dollar bill. “Keep the change.”
“Thank you and God bless.” Adam responds and gives the woman a receipt.
“You’re a real asshole, you know that?” Helen ashes her half burned cigar.
“I wasn’t kidding though, you don’t have much time left.” He responds.
“The occasional smoke isn’t going to kill me. You’re the damn chain smoker.”
“Time.”
Helen looks at her phone, “Fuck!” She stands up, grabs her purse and runs towards the door clacking her heels loudly on the floor. She then turns back, to put the cigar in the ashtray and runs off.
Adam grabs the cigar and puts it out properly. He opens his book-
Creak
“God damn it!”
Not a single customer in sight. Adam’s alone.
He looks around holding a rubber mallet and mug.
Every inch of the store is suspect. Every step he takes is methodical. Every moment that passes by without drinking, he’s more sober.
Drinking from his mug, he paces up and down the store. More like he paces in circles. After two full tours around the store, covering every possible board in his mind, no creak.
Nothing.
Looking around, he notices someone walk by the front windows with large proportions to their body. He finishes his mug and walks out of his store.
“Hey! You!” He yells and points his mallet at them.
They don’t turn.
“You! Fatty! Get in here and walk around!” Adam demands.
The man stops and looks around. Finally looking back and seeing a man with a patchy beard, hair that can double for a mop, ash stained rock-band shirt and jeans... he couldn’t figure out if he should be offended or quickly move on before being asked for meth.
“I need you and your heaviness!” Adam waves the mallet some more and drinks from his empty mug. “Damn it! Get in here! I need more rum!”
The man starts slowly walking away, not responding.
“I’ll buy you a slice of pizza! Come into my store! I have drinks and leftover fries!”
The man turns and picks up the pace to get away from the yelling lunatic.
“Damn it! A whole pizza then!” With the man turning a corner, Adam sighs, “How the hell do I motivate fat people to dance in my store? I think that qualifies as one of life’s biggest questions...”
He watches the tourists walk around in the small downtown area near the beach.
Adam can’t figure out why no one is willing to make eye contact with him.
It’s slow this hour. Before the end of the work day and when tourists are already out doing something to fulfill their lives. Only reason people come to his shop is to find books they can’t find elsewhere. Out of print or rare books. New discoveries in their reading adventure to take to the beach.
And because the nearest other bookstore is about half an hour away.
“Adam…” A police officer sighs. “The hell you doin’?”
Adam shakes his head, trying to think if he dozed off for a bit while standing.
“Ah!” Adam lights up when he turns. “Cops… yes… come inside and walk around. It’s totally safe for you to be in my store.”
“We got a report that you’re yelling at people.” A young officer speaks up.
The first officer drops his shoulders and looks over at his young partner.
Adam looks at the younger officer and twists his face in disgust, then looks upwards to the other “Ty, since when do you need to roll baker? Guys who bench press Buicks are afraid of you.”
“New chief, new rules.” Ty tells him. “But seriously man, what are you doing?”
“Drinking and trying to get fat people into my store.”
“So you admit to public intoxication and harassing the public?” The younger one asks.
Ty rolls his eyes and head, “We’re not doing that.”
“You wouldn’t know this young man.” Adam starts up, “But you’re in Florida. Happy hour starts at 10 am and doesn’t end until 9am. Once you graduate high school, there’s this vast world of drinks out there… that get you blitzed.”
“Law’s the law,” He announces and starts for his handcuffs, “You need to-”
“I don’t suggest it.” Ty announces.
“Wha-what do you mean?”
“For one, I’m going to vomit and shit in the back of your cruiser.” Adam announces. “I would pee too, but I just used the bathroom a few minutes ago.”
“Enough.” Ty announces loudly, “Why are you yelling at people?”
“I need people to walk in my store.” Adam lightly burps under his breath.
“Maybe if you stopped yelling at people, they would buy books.”
“Oh, no, fuck that. I need them to find a creak in the floor.”
“A creak… in your floor…”
“Yes, it’s haunting me and I can’t find it.”
“Is that why you have the hammer?” Ty asks.
“Mallet.” Adam nods and tries to drink from his mug, only to realize it’s empty again. “Damn it, I need a refill. You guys want anything?”
“No, just, stop yelling at people while looking like that.” Ty tells him, “Especially holding a damn hammer. What’s wrong with you?”
“It’s a mallet!”
Ty’s head sinks forward, “Mallet, I don’t care.”
“Fine, I’ll just stand outside and yell with a pizza in my hand.”
“Works for me.” Ty announces.
Adam burps and does a weak salute, “Have a great day master sergeant.” He turns into his store before anyone can respond.
“Master sergeant?” The young officer asks him.
“We were in Ranger batt a long time ago. He later went ODA.”
“The hell is that?”
“Green Beret.”
“I thought they were supposed to be professionals and… Rambo. Not back alley burn outs looking for crack.”
“Accidents have a funny effect on people.”
An elderly woman goes through the mystery section. Finding the large amount of 1920s to 1940s books a wonderful find. Taking her back to her younger years when America made steel and it was exciting to go drink.
A simpler time.
One where patchy bearded men didn’t stalk her.
“C-can I help you?” She asks.
“Ma’am, have you heard the floor creak?” Adam asks.
“No…”
“Be on the lookout…” He replies and walks away. “If you need weapons, feel free to ask.”
Adam drinks from his mug.
Looking around, all he sees are the half dozen customers. Half of his store is full of military books, fiction and nonfiction. A majority of people are always in the other fiction sections. Caring more for romance and fantasy rather than the toils of the everyday soldier in their conquest of stable mental health and surviving another day.
But it’s nearing seven o’clock on a Friday.
Adam turns an empty couch to face the back wall, still holding his mug. Then an armchair, then another couch. As his solitary act of social kindness for the month, he decides to leave the last couch, as someone is sitting in it. Moving all the furniture around should trigger the person to either get up or even potentially help out.
The later, Adam doesn’t have enough faith in humanity to believe would actually happen.
Once all the arm chairs and couches without brainless bodies were turned, he stands and stares at the man reading on the final couch.
Adam walks over to his desk to light a cigarette and refill his mug with rum. He stumbles a bit while walking over to the man. He drops himself right next to the man and puts his left arm around the man’s shoulder.
“How are you doing there buddy?” Adam asks and takes a drag on his cigarette.
“C-can I help you?” The man wiggles around, but finds Adam putting pressure down to make sure he can’t move away. A mug full of alcohol is near the man’s face makes it more difficult to move without potentially getting wet.
“That is so kind of you to ask. See, I was moving all this furniture around, right next to you. Did you notice?”
“Y-yea…”
“Oh, you did? That’s fantastic.” Adam responds, “Since you noticed, maybe you can help me out. See, I’ve been thinking about putting a new sign on my door. What do you think of: Be considerate and hold the fucking door open for people. How does that sound?”
“G-good…”
“Oh, then we’re on the same page. I’m glad we’re such kindred spirits. What about another: If you see someone moving furniture right next to you, get the fuck out of the way. What do you think of that one?”
“I-I think it’s g-good.”
“That’s great.” Adam puts his cigarette in his mouth and then reaches past the man to grab the mug from his other hand. “So, do me a favor.” Adam drinks from his mug and makes a satisfying sigh. “Pay for that book since you’ve already read half of it and dance your inconsiderate ass out of here. Sound good?”
“Yes…”
“Good!” Adam pats the man’s back. “I’m glad we could have this talk.”
The man quickly stands and goes to the back desk. Adam turns to look at him as he fumbles in his wallet.
“Do you have change for a five?” He asks.
“Leave the bill.” Adam announces.
The man opens his mouth to argue.
“I’ll take my shirt off and rub my armpit on your face.”
The man decides arguing is not the best idea to save two dollars.
“I swear if that creak comes back…” Adam grumbles and drinks.
With the last piece of furniture in position, he finishes up by putting a wooden stool against the back wall.
By seven-thirty, the store lights are dimmed. Adam and Helen sit in front of the back desk while smoking and drinking. Unlike earlier in the day, they’re not alone in drinking and smoking. People crowd the rest of the store. Filling in the couches and chairs and standing anywhere they can get a good view of the back of the store.
“Of course she’s pretty.” Helen speaks just loud enough for Adam to hear.
In front of them is a young woman playing guitar and singing without a mic. She has no trouble being heard throughout the store. It’s not large to begin with. More importantly, no one dares to compete with her soft singing and strumming of classical guitar.
“And who would you hire?” Adam whispers. “Danny Devito, right?”
Helen scoffs, “Channing Tatum.”
“I don’t think he can sing or play an instrument.”
“That’s why his shirt would be off the whole time.” She puffs on her cigar. “Almost got to hire him once.”
“Really?”
“Right before he became a star.” She smiles and looks upward. “And it was for an underwear ad too… but I didn’t have as much clout back then. Would have been a photoshoot on the beach, silky black underwear after dipping into the water... ”
“Hey, back to reality, you’re drooling.” Adam tells her. “At least I’m perfectly fine with clothed women you sicko.”
“It’s from the cigar.” She repositions her body in the chair.
“Uh-huh.”
“That reminds me, you’re an asshole.” She replies.
Adam shrugs.
“More than normal.”
He shrugs again.
“I asked Carl out. Turns out he’s not into women.”
Adam drinks a bit. “You actually thought you wanted him?”
“God damn it…” Helen folds her arms and watches the young woman go into a light guitar solo. When done, everyone in the room claps. “I kept thinking I might be repressing some sort of desire or something… You were reading Freud damn it.”
“I read something about how this is the age of detriment for women like you.” Adam finishes clapping. “Super successful and good looking, you have a really small pool of guys to pick from.”
“No shit...they’re scared shitless of me, boring or I’d rather date a dog instead.”
The indie musician asks the crowd what they want her to cover since she finished songs from her album.
“Hey, dogs are loyal… but that’s like really illegal.”
Helen snaps her body to him, “Not like that.”
“Hey, I have to be clear with you. I don’t know what you think I mean anymore. You were trying to oppress a gay guy today.”
“I wasn’t oppressing him.”
“You were totally disrespecting his life decisions and trying to force him into something he didn’t agree to. Knowing you, probably aggressive sexual harassment. Pretty closed minded behavior, unlike myself.”
“You? Open-minded? You have two shelves dedicated to Black Hawk Down and a whole shelf dedicated to just World War Two.”
“I’m perfectly fine with female Rangers. Nothing wrong with diversity. I don’t care what you identify as… just as long as it’s not as a SEAL… just no SEALs. I don’t want knuckle-draggers with Ranger tabs gallivanting around trying to get even more movie deals.”
“At least SEALs still look sexy.” She responds.
Adam tilts his head and eyeballs her, “Really? The only thing they sweep and raid after retirement are burgers.”
The young singer-songwriter starts on her next song.
“Yea, fur-burgers.”
Adam sighs. “Well done.” He puts out his mug.
“Thank you.” Helen taps his mug with her own.
They both drink.
While singing, the woman decides to stand up while playing. As she gets into it, her body starts to move with the music she plays and sings. As she steps forward-
Creak
“Found you!” Adam yells with his mallet held above his head.
-----------------------------------------
If you'd like to read more of my writing, visit: /r/silentnightlabs/
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