actually one of the craziest things about harrow and gideon's relationship is the fact that they're like, unhealthily obsessed with each other but also both think the other does not care as much as they do. gideon literally died for harrow and thinks that harrow hates her so much that she erased her from her memory. harrow lobotomized herself because she couldn't allow herself to destroy gideon's soul. and they're both still just like, "she could never love me." ARE YOU BOTH FUCKING STUPID??????? (the answer is yes)
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i am actually becoming so fucking obsessed with gideon and harrowhark rn. they are soulmates. they are each other's curse. they hurt each other like no one else does. they cannot live without each other. they would do anything for each other. everything they do to protect the other ends up causing more harm than anything. they cannot bear the thought of a life without the other in it. they are so selfish about one another. they only care for the other. they're orpheus and eurydice. they're even more tragic than them. they're dykes
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something i desperately need in alecto the ninth is for harrow to be chasing after gideon. like, one of the most heartbreaking aspects of their relationship is that gideon genuinely believes that harrow can never be as devoted to her as she is to harrow. like, she SAYS as much to ianthe at the end of htn (and meanwhile, harrow is standing in a crumbling mansion clinging to the memory of gideon for everything she’s worth, turning herself into gideon’s mausoleum, but gideon has no way of knowing that).
gideon needs to be wanted. she manifests that in her desire to join the cohort, and it is most obvious in the way she emotionally latches onto the idea of her mother, an idea that is violently destroyed when she finds out that her mother never wanted her either. that’s why she’s the saddest girl in the world, as nona says - she might be the prince of the empire, but she isn’t wanted. ianthe is more devoted to harrow. the emperor is grieving his original lyctors. harrow is still obsessed with the idea of the body in the tomb. pyrrha found nona to love instead. hell, even aiglamene kept herself at arm’s length throughout gideon’s life. gideon really, really doesn’t think that she is loved at all.
all of this is to say I need it to not be gideon running after harrow in the last book. I need harrow to be the one showing gideon how much she cares. that gideon’s sacrifice tore her apart, that she’ll willingly burn everything to get gideon back. let harrow be the devoted one.
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I'll deny you of salvation
I'll be the reason you repent
Kiss me like I'm a conviction
Beg for divinity in my breath
aka im not immune to pool scene
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Listen I’m sure someone has already talked about this scene, and way better than I ever could, but it makes me so feral and I need to talk about it too
This is hands down the most depressing scene in the entirety of NtN in my opinion.
Surface level it’s Gideon yelling at Crux, but the significance here comes from the exact word choice. “You could have lived for her. But you didn’t know how.”
She uses past tense.
It’s not about Crux (who arguably did live for Harrow, considering his purpose was raising and protecting her, and could by all means still do this if he changed his mind about dying for Harrow.) It’s not about the congregation who worshipped her.
It’s about Gideon, who can’t live for Harrow anymore, because she’s dead. It’s about the promise she broke at the end of the first book. She’s talking about herself.
Harrow made her promise that when it comes down to it, Gideon needs to save herself. If only one of them can survive, it has to be Gideon.
At the end of the first book, Harrow is actively planning to sacrifice herself so Gideon can live, bringing up the promise and then diving into what this is actually about. Namely, how she owes Gideon her life back.
And Gideon breaks that promise, instead deciding to sacrifice herself for Harrow.
“I can’t keep my promise because the entire point of me is you. There is no me without you.”
Gideon doesn’t know how to live for Harrow, how to exist without her, even though it’s the most important thing Harrow ever asked of her—and so she dies for her instead.
“You could have lived for her. But you didn’t know how.”
And the sacrifice ended up being rejected by Harrow, because it’s not what Harrow wanted. It never was. So Gideon ended up feeling rejected and like her life and giving it up wasn’t worth anything. And she still immediately offers herself up again without hesitation. She’s ready to die for Harrow all over again, even now that she’s already dead.
“Die. Die for her. It’s the only goddamn good you’ll ever do her.”
Gideon is fucking furious—so much that Nona can’t even place her voice anymore—but not at any of the people who would rightfully deserve her fury. Not at Crux. She’s furious at herself. This whole scene is so damn heartbreaking to me.
And out of all the cruel things Crux has done to Gideon throughout her life, this might be the worst one: telling the girl who died for the Reverend Daughter once and was ready to die for her a second time that she couldn’t even get that right. That she managed to screw up the one purpose she was actually supposed to serve, the only good she’s ever done for Harrow.
Gideon is dead. She can’t do what Harrow asked and live for her anymore. What the hell is she supposed to do if she can’t die for her, either?
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