someone being shitty does not give you the excuse to misgender them, trans people shouldn’t have to ‘earn’ their fucking identities. i don’t see people misgendering shitty cis people. it’s transphobic to misgender someone, no matter the circumstances.

gender is an odd critter. i’m just sitting here doing some internal self-reflection and despite being transmasc, i don’t actually feel terribly masculine inside. i certainly don’t feel feminine inside either, and even thinking of that makes me uncomfortable so that’s definitely a hard pass. i want people to perceive me, externally, as masculine; it makes me happy and comfortable and i prefer it, but inside im just…genderless? or something like that?? i don’t call myself agender cuz gender is such a big part of my life and i want my labels to reflect that, but if gender as a whole stopped existing tomorrow, i think i’d be quite alright with that

I'm supposed to clean out my childhood bedroom because I'm moving soon but my childhood bedroom also has a big mirror and I guess I looked my reflection for too long because now I'm here and I'm so ANGRY because I look like what western society assumes a woman looks like and I most times I'm fine with that, some times I even like it, but right now I just want to look like a man.

I want a beard and a more boxy figure. I want a deeper voice and hairy arms. I want a flat chest.

I could cry. Yes, my feelings about gender fluctuate, but that doesn't make them less real.

gender rant 2⚧️

I feel like I've always experienced gender presentation and gender in opposite ways. I've wanted to be a girl in the way boys are and a boy in the way girls are. My feminity is dirty and punk and living in the woods but my masculinity is a 'clean girl', pristine, and a princess.

gender rant under the cut

ok here's the thing i've been on t for a little over a year now and i had top surgery back in september of '22 so like i'm cooking right im a little guy in an incubator and my voice has changed for sure and my bottom growth is growing and im getting more hair in places etc etc so like things are happening right. but i'm also 5'2" and have a big ole ass and while my voice has changed it isn't changed enough to pass and while yes i have more body hair plenty of cis girls have more body hair than me and like basically i'm getting on and off dysphoria for not passing. i don't even WANT to pass as a cis man, i just want to NOT be read immediately as a girl. you know? and frankly i'm happy with the body hair and bottom growth and it'd be nice if my fat redistribution kicked in a little more but i'm comfortable with my weight etc etc like....frankly i think it's mostly the voice. the voice and the face. like if my face looked more boyish and my voice sounded more boyish i think the rest of my body would coast cause i've seen enough chubby guys of various shapes to not really feel that self conscious about my body. it's the face and voice that sell it.

and the other thing is like....i have this thing where it's like 'i don't pass as a boy therefore i'm not one' when i don't put that requirement on any other queer person but for ME living it mentally? it's hard to put together the 'i walk around and am read as a girl, and i was raised as a girl, and hell i frankly WAS a girl up until my 20's like that's a part of who i am and im not ashamed of that, i love child me she is important to who i am as a person and frankly i'm grateful to be trans in that way, i think growing up a girl can make me a better guy" (and yeah there's a lot of privilege to be able to say i love being trans, i'm in a large city and work in an industry where queerness is accepted and often celebrated so like. i know. i'm really very very lucky and im extremely grateful for that) but mentally, it's hard for me to even see myself as a transmasc person when i don't SEE it physically, AND because my insides are still me. like i'm still me. and i didn't grow up as feeling like a boy in a girls body. i'm still some kind of nonbinary, still very queer in general, like being bi puts an interesting spin on this too since i have never been and don't associate my personal self with lesbian spaces, or gay men spaces, i sort of float in any queer generalities that people are into. but yeah, never really clicked with lesbian specific environments. i love lesbians but im just not one.

BUT i was raised a girl, so i feel COMFORTABLE around women, often times more than men. queer people in general of any gender are number 1, but ya know. the gist is coming off of a gig the last month that was very queer coded in the musical we were doing, and being surrounded by queer women making lesbian jokes, i felt...simultaneously left out (no one was leaving me out, to be clear, i mean within my own personal identity crisis lol) and also too included. i don't know. a lot of it is in my head, people are often good about my pronouns and frankly i don't KNOW how my usual colleagues see me as a person, if they have to work harder to reframe their interpretation of me away from "girl" and into "transmasc person" since i worked with a number of them before i started medically transitioning. thankfully i always read as a queer person haha. i have that going for me, which does feel very affirming.

idk. even my own apartment decor gives me dysphoria sometimes, which drives me crazy!! i like my apartment decor! I keep trying to do little things to "masc" it up, neutralize it a little, even tho i love all the things i've put in my home. i need new curtains.

there's nothing more to do about it right now i guess, besides try and take more active steps toward my legal name change, and potentially switching from t gel to injections, but that scares me because i'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself. the gel is safer that way. and the dose is daily so i think it gives are more consistent level throughout the week. i also don't know exactly how much i want to pass as "just some guy" even tho this entire rant is literally about that. i think that my fear is that i look cis/straight, which frankly idk that i ever even would based on how i am as a person, so idk why i'm worried about it. basically, i want to stop feeling like i'm 'pretending' to be transmasc. cause sometimes it feels like it's all a lie and im actually just a girl who doesn't want to be a girl but is stuck as one. especially since i don't want to be a cis guy either. i also don't want to lose my ties to my past - i don't connect with womanhood, but i don't want to lose the "sisterhood" for lack of a better term? But also really want to be part of the queer "brotherhood" that i feel like i can't be based on where i am as a person? idk i feel a lot of the time that when im in my own home, im just a little goosey guy. the second i leave my apartment and im percieved, i'm a masculine woman to the world. and even tho masculine women are the fucking shit, im just not that!! and so. dysphoria.

So I’ve been trying to explain non-binary to my husband but he’s not getting it. He understands MTF or FTM just fine but when it comes to non-binary characters he just goes “well there’s one easy way to find out!”

I’m sure if he met an NB person he’d get it, but when it comes to characters who are NB (or at least ambiguous like Francois) he doesn’t get it and it’s getting frustrating trying to explain it to him.

And it’s pretty confusing too since he very naturally calls a trans girl or a trans boy by their preferred pronouns and name.

“I’m making fem redesigns of my favorite characters!” *everyone has long hair regardless of personality or logic* *everyone in skirts and dresses regardless of personality or logic* *everyone is straight and attracted to men regardless of personality or logic* *everyone becomes femme instead of fem* *butches do not exist because femme is the opposite of male. Because of course. Regardless of personality or logic*

gender rant incoming lol

i’m starting to question whether or not i’m transmasc and/or trans. i’m starting to feel more comfortable in my afab body from starting the car parts and repair field. i love my job ‘cause it’s helping me learn to stand up for myself! maybe that’s all i needed????

my body is just that. a body! it’s allowed to exist as it is! only i have the power to chose what happens with it! i don’t really gaf what pronouns people use. they don’t matter to who i am as a person!

idk i feel like the main reason i thought i would transition was ‘cause i didn’t want anyone to be sexually attracted to me - thank you trauma!!! but, now that i know and accept that it’s okay to be perceived sexually, i’m okay with being born afab. i’ve been coming to terms with my sexually as an afab person. it feels amazing tbh to feel this confident to speak up. i can’t believe i went my whole like as timid as a mouse. i feel so free and liberated!

Gender is weird.

So, I'm transmasc right? And I've always identified as a trans man, (since I came out years ago) but sometimes gender is weird. Like I want to feel free to express myself in a gnc way while still being taken seriously and seen for who I am. I've always been kind of gnc, even in terms of a transmasc person- When I was a little kid, I didn't hate pink or cute sparkly clothes- I hated what they stood for, what they made people assume, and I hated that I was expected to only like traditionally feminine things, when honestly I like both. I like wearning denim and beaten up band shirts. I like wearing make up and earrings. And it's kind of scary, because I like me, I like the ways I express myself, but I'm also afraid of it. I'm scared of appearing too femme, and having people get the wrong idea about my identity, or of my parents thinking that I'm faking my identity or that I was. I'm 19, but for years they werent accepting, despite all of my efforts to appear as masc as possible. And now that they're at a point of atleast a little respect, I'm worried things like having long nails will take that away. And shit just sucks because when cis men are gnc it's just a choice or preference, but when trans men are gnc it's "proof they were never trans". Like cis gay men can be as gnc as they like and they're still men, but suddenly I want to have a mullet or put on eyeliner and I'm seen differently. I hate it. Like on my own, I just seem myself as any other gnc flamboyant or femme gay guy. And I like that. But sometimes the way ppl see me when I do femme things is weird. Anyways that's the rant, also sometimes I think I could be a little nb as well, but that's my little secret. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't care if gender was just abolished, but because people are bound to perceive me and assume, I'd 100% prefer masc. And I do heavily identify with masc characters and people, and mlm stories. But generally gender is kind of silly.

Mmmmmmight delete this but

I had to get a copy of the office notes from my first endo visit (because I forgot if I needed a psychologist or psychiatrist to get the all-clear on starting hormones yes I am dumb) AND

the doctor a) misgendered me ALL OVER THE PLACE b) and b) did not document ANYTHING CORRECTLY. Like I suspected. Lady came zooming in after having me wait FOURTY minutes already with her own opinions. Like. Cool.

Lol at the duolingo "body type" options on their new avatar creator

the two genders- square and triangle

The whole concept that "women are good at housework and men naturally suck" makes me mad for a myriad of reasons, but the main one is that I am a woman who has had to struggle to clean basic cleaning skills. For no other reason than I had a mom who raised me mostly on her own who only cleaned maniacally and collected junk like a magpie, and any father figures I had were far too drunk to clean properly.

I have been looked at my entire life with the expectation that I would be good at keeping a space clean and absolutely shamed for not having the skills to do so. Any skills I do have now are entirely self taught. Which is why all these people simply accepting that "men suck at housework" makes me want to pull my fucking hair out.

Long rant incoming:

The more I reflect on my gender the further away from it I get. It's like those weird dreams where you're running towards something and it keeps moving further away. I'm sick of it. Make it stop. Please. It's destabilising my life and my mental health.

I wish I could stop thinking about gender as a whole. It's such an arbitrary way to categorise people we might as well do brunettes/blonds instead of women/men. It's mentally draining to be perceived all the time and be put in a box just for existing. At the same time I feel like I should toughen up and stop whining and complaining.

I've kinda started a social transition. I've chosen a new name but it still feels kinda wrong. I like the name and it feels like me but it makes me uncomfy for some reason. And I don't know what I want physically out of my transition. I also feel kinda sick the whole time like something is Wrong but idk what. I was less dysphoric before coming out for some reason. I also had the realisation that I can never come out to my family without cutting/loosening ties and I don't wanna do that because I love them and they make me comfy by just being there (then again, I don't enjoy interacting with them beyond ranting/infodumping once in a while)

It's become sort of an obsession at this point. Why can't I stop thinking about gender? Pronouns suck btw I hate them all. Just the concept of separating them. Why would you do that. I want to go through a day without being reminded of the set of views people project onto me just because I look a certain way. I just want to be me but I don't know how.

was my gender a choice?

i guess in some way it was. but, on the other hand, my gender is choosing to not label my gender. i chose not to put myself into the box of “boy” or “girl” or even “nonbinary”- because truthfully, that too is its own box. “gender apathy” is barely a label to me, it’s really just how i feel.

before i continue i want to say that IT IS OKAY IF YOU USE LABELS! my intent is not even in the slightest to shame people who are comfortable with giving themselves labels. more power to you if you do! but they just don’t work for me :)

it was my choice to not limit myself. i thought i was a transgender male for the past 4 years and it made me very sad to think i was born wrong. this isn’t to say that all transgender people are just confused- that’s a disgusting statement to make. speaking from solely my experience, i was lost and i didn’t know that i could simply not care about gender. i always knew there was something different about my gender identity. when i was little, i never fit in with the girls, much less the guys. i liked traditionally masculine things and i liked to make a point of that, but i also liked to expressive myself in girlier ways from time to time.

my sex is female and i have made peace with that. i have no desire anymore to change my body physically. i misinterpreted the feeling i had as wanting to be a boy. because of this, i don’t feel as though i identify as transgender. gender and sex are different in the way that sex is on the outside and gender is on the inside. since i am apathetic towards my gender- i don’t feel any gender in particular- i don’t feel opposed to my biological sex. i haven’t changed from one thing to another, really.

if i had known about the concept of gender apathy when i was little, i wouldn’t have spent four years being so upset trying to decipher my feelings as one label or another. i’ve been a lot happier since i realized that i’m not “supposed” to be anything. i think i know that this feels right because this doesn’t feel like a shiny new identity- it feels so familiar because it’s how i’ve felt my whole life. still, this revelation feels so freeing.

“what gender are you?” is a question that really doesn’t tell much about myself. i’m just me.

for those questioning their genders, or those who feel different from all the boys and girls but can’t explain it- you don’t have to figure anything out, especially not immediately. you have your whole life ahead of you, there’s plenty of time! you can try out pronouns and all that. you’ll know what feels right when the time comes <3