#fully done something abt even though the signs have been CRYSTAL fucking clear my whole life. lol. like why do you think i am the way i am | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pepprs · 2 years

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lol i hit tag limit but i have more to say so im saying it. im just afraid that if / when i get this job and then we like get existentially threatened or whatever (bc we are at the forefront of a movement that is not widely embraced yet and our entire purpose is to get people to embrace it (except… not as domineering as it sounds) but they don’t and of course are gonna push against it and threaten us) my mom is gonna be like i told you so which is only gonna make me spiral about it even more. lol

#purrs #and im gonna be living at home until the end of this year at least bc i am fucking broke rn and so coming home and having to deal with that #is going to be an actual nightmare. i just want her to be supportive and instead of’s all about how i won’t take her advice like she litera #rally texted me ‘it doesn’t matter what i think’ which is like.. true but also yes it does bc you’re my mom and also you saying that is a #TOTAL guilt trip. everything she says that’s like in my favor is a guilt trip. she will never ever ever see my side and i just have to be #able to cope with that and build my support systems outside of my family so strong to make up for what my family can’t give me but it just #hurts. like i get it you think im replacing you bc theyre like a second set of parents but have you ever considered that maybe that is #happening (and maybe this kind of thing has been a pattern since i was 6) bc there are defiencies in YOUR parenting that you have never #fully done something abt even though the signs have been CRYSTAL fucking clear my whole life. lol. like why do you think i am the way i am #maybe it’s bc every time i have an emotion you shut me down or walk out of the room or say (in effect) that im being selfish or delusional!#maybe the reason i am so happy here is bc the people ive met here have taught me that my emotions are PRECIOUS and my experiences are #PRECIOUS and *I* choose my life and *YOU* don’t and no one can ever fucking take any of this away from me!!!!!! maybe if you listened to me #for like 2 seconds instead of perceiving everything i say to you as an attack (and feeling attacked if i don’t take your advice and follow i #in your exact footsteps or want to) you would understand and the world would burst into rainbows and sunshine and birdsong!!!!! but instead #im fucking doomed bc im hurtling towards coming home to you again and again and again and you forever and ever and ever seeing me as someone #im not when i am trying to change the world and ive already started changing it. lol #delete later #idk what i just even typed im so mad im dizzy from pacing back and forth but i do like actually. have to delete this #ik she’s only saying this stuff bc she thinks i have a lot or give and doesn’t want to see me waste it on something she thinks ive outgrown #and will be unhappy in but like… i am growing and have room to grow and i am happy (except for when im not but me getting this job will fix #so fucking much of it) and she doesn’t believe me bc im just a pischer 😍#when she whips out the ‘Ok Tess’ and you know she’s abt to not talk to you until friday night at the earliest 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

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