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stillsolo · 6 years

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for the first in a while, I'm gonna ... try to take it easy, today.

I actually have a lot to do but I really need to chill the fuck out for a second and take a breather. my OCD's made my life remarkably difficult lately and I've begun to disassociate in order to cope. I know disassociation plays a key role in obsessive-compulsive disorders; I know my OCD's fairly severe and it's been getting worse as I get older, but I'm not...usually this bad. Even when under stress.

for example, a batch of 200 commissioned banner icons suddenly turns into 400+, and I'm still not done because I can't stop keep remaking them.

oh, this one's coloring is off. but these frames are split second to each other ... can't have that, gotta redo 'em.

wait, the pixels are...'weird' looking in the corner, here. rejected.

this one could've been cropped way better. how could I expect them to use this?

why is this one in the 'final version' folder when the border around it overlapped a part of the icon?

I need to redo these 73 because the shadow is too dark and blocky beneath the icon. it’s supposed to be a fade. it’s what they ordered and you’re not giving them what they asked for.

someone's paying you for this shit get it TOGETHER

yesterday, my OCD got triggered about 3 times? I have a couple of forms. I had a breakdown in front of my mother after she came home and asked me if I ate and I know I must've made some kinda stupid face that gave it away because seconds after she'd asked, I realized I didn't know what the hell ate other than the toast she'd watched me eat before she left for work at 9am. It was 11pm when she asked.

I also had mini-breakdown while talking to my customer and it was terribly embarrassing. I got a nosebleed to top it all off too lmao ( i'm so sorry if you're reading this, john omfg you've been the best to me and I'm sorry because I'm sure all you'd wanted was icons to rp sdfkjsd )

but I just.

All of my friends think OCD is just me having high ass standards or just being 'know-it-all'. I've been called that all my life. In fact, I've been called that by friends I thought would never say anything like that about me because I thought we were friends

We live in this new age of 'awkward is cute'. It's hip to be square, cool to be uncool, and sexy to be nerdy and quirky. and there isn’t any better way to declare your individuality and weirdness than branding yourself 'so OCD' about something.

Ahaha.

I fucking loathe people who do this.

OCD isn't a quirk or a set of tendencies. It's not fucking buzzf.eed list, not a little buzzf.eed quiz you can take and readily relate to the results; it's an incapacitating, isolating disease that makes you afraid of your own mind.

If my friends could see, just once, what it's like for me, when I'm caught in an obsessive-compulsive loop, maybe then they'd finally understand me when I say ''''it's bad''''.

Even Something as simple as drawing a line-art from a sketch turns into a complete and total nightmare. 8/10 times, I'll redraw the line-art like — hm, I don' dunno — about 7 fuckin' times in a row, then, delete all of it because IDK, it wasn't 'right'? ( Who am i kidding; I do the same with sketches ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ )

Oh, yeah, for sure. Me and my ‘high fucking standards' did this.

NO. No one in their right mind would do this. They wouldn’t re-draw the same fucking drawing 7 times in a row and the same layer style over and over, not even changing things up to maybe get some progress. Nobody. Jfc.

And oh, god, that moment when you realize, it's been more than 8/9 hrs since you began and you haven't eaten or drank anything; you don't remember the last time you looked at your phone or what the hell happened to the time because last time you looked, it was 11am and now it’s 9:48pm.

Moreover, you made exactly zero progress on your project — because IDK — there’s no valid reason? JUST COULDN'T STOP HA

I never thought I would talk about this, but uh, Y'all know how much I love han. I want Han to be seen in the best light possible. while SW has been one of the few things that have held a light in my life, he's helped me become a better person in more ways than I can articulate. and no, I don't mean I suddenly started picking trash up off the highways.

I mean, by writing him in this amazing place filled with people I don’t have IRL who share my interests, I’ve met so many new people, friends, learned so many lessons, about characters and life and writing.

When I began writing Han, here, I had just learned what present and past tense was in English. I was winging my writing, trying really hard to understand. English isn't my first language. In Cantonese, my native language, there's no such thing as a past tense.

By writing Han with you guys, I've taken huge steps in life, without even realizing it.

So, everything I do for han, I want for it to be good.

Not outstanding, and definitely not exemplary or nonpareil — just ... good.

And icons — haha. I love icons. I love and hate making them. similar to my writing, I work very hard on his icons. ... but I need to learn where to draw the line.

I once remade an icon 23 times before I was happy with it. ( i had 23 versions left in my folder lmao ). like these here? 10 versions of each, in the least.

( the last one is kinda an exception... I think. I made that one well over 25 times, for sure. but I think it's because I'm not accustomed to Blaine's coloring yet. )

Wow, this really turned into a long post. I don't really care, though. My OCD is something that has always been completely ignored IRL. Shit, it's ignored by even my online friends. I can't even game online without one of them thinking I must get off on establishing my superiority and overall knowledge of '???’ game. Haha.

'Show me your build?' :D 'Er...nah. I think I'll pass.' 'Why? What's the matter?' 'You'll pick it apart.'

It's never considered 'advice' when it's from me. It's me as a know-it-all, as someone who looks down on others for not having up-to-par stats.

I'm sorry I did the math for you so you wouldn't have to. This is simply advice you're free to toss aside, but it's not like it matters. Even if I reassured that—you're already too annoyed to listen for any longer.

So, I’ll also apologize for how I can recall faction modifiers, body part modifiers, critical hit and stealth modifiers, as well as debuffs; how a certain amount of damage of one type turns into inflicted damage to a target while considering type modifiers and armor, and knowing the damage formulas needed to calculate the number of hit points required to kill an armored or unarmored target, with or without a finisher multiplier figured in — because I want you to do the very best with your weapon of choice, even though I can name 5 different weapons that utterly outclass it by tenfold.

In reality, I never had much of choice. Information like that doesn't stop looping in my mind, even at night, when all I want is to sleep.

Sometimes ... I wish I could be that one character on a comedy show who has a quirky disorder or ''OCD'' and everyone seems to love him for it because he's funny when he does it or he's generally helpful

More often than not, my OCD just ruins everything. I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I need to take a breather.

#˒・*。◞ ( ooc ) *･ﾟ✧ ⎸ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏғ ᴄᴀʀʙᴏɴɪᴛᴇ.#;; — rp woes #;; — general venting #;; — ocd cw #( . trying to be positive but it might've come off negative? okay tldr; i wanna take it easy. i even slept in (kinda) today.#( . im sorry for all the new people seeing me complain lmao i promise i'm usually an active han #( . i just need to finish my commissions first

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empressxmachina · 3 years

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Inquiries on WIPs, lore, and what to do with both

Hi!

I hope y'all are well! I didn't expect to make a journal today, but here I am! I do hope I get some answers because I do have some thoughts and questions.

word wall under the cut

First off, I've done a lot of proofreading and re-outlining lately.

How I keep coming up with ideas, I don't know. Why I can never sit down and write prose except for when I'm meant to be doing something else is even more unknown. But at least I'm thinking, I guess. I like what I'm pondering. I have done some intensive writing, though.

I made a manip that's been done and in the queue for months, and I liked it so much that I've made a whole novella (novel?) idea for it. If I do it right, then I hope to get about twelve (12) parts from it - they're all now planned - of which I've completed seven. I'm closer to eight (8) than not, so that's good, right?

Since the pic is done and so is its relative part in the story, should I just release it/them, or should I wait until it's all done?

I've even made a Wattpad/book cover for it; that's how much I like what I'm doing.

Regarding Welcome Home, Sasha, specifically, it's been plotted for months, too. But I'm having some issues with writing an expository soliloquy, aka the explanation of what the fuck happened to Earth.

The actual information is cut-and-dry, but I don't know how to best frame it. I find Ki to be an analytical person - sensible for a scientist, I suppose - but with a flourish. Putting his brotherly, almost fatherly love of Sasha on top complicates things further since he wouldn't want to break his heart... and the answer will definitely bruise at the very least.

Luckily though, how he'll react and everything after that is as straightforward as an apocalypse can be. Will I ever write it, though?

I technically have three (3) or four (4) continuations to long fics, but I don't know why I'm not releasing them. I want to, yet I don't? Is this my mediocre perfectionism in action? Is this normal?

Syntrophy has changed in my head, like, four times, regarding the relationship between the two MCs. Their separate stories have maintained but not how they connect to each other.

I wish I was kidding. There's so much I've deleted.

I've been adding excerpts to my manips and making visuals to go with stories. Read more about that in the next section.

Secondly, I've been conceptualizing visuals like mad!

Ideas just keep coming, and they don't stop coming.

The queue is probably at peak fullness, which is cool. I was hoping I wouldn't have to widen time between posting stuff because as much as popularity doesn't affect whether I make something, I wouldn't want y'all to just forget about me. You know?

I know some people don't even have a schedule or set up expectations, so I might just say "Fuck it," and leave submission dates to RNG. It hasn't been a problem, but I don't want pressure from time restraints to become a problem. We'll see.

Like the unnamed, new fic way above, some of my ready works are images from tales not-yet-released. I've done that before numerous times, but one in particular literally happens in what would be the literal next part to post, and I'm not done with writing it, yet, at least to where I'd like it to be.

Should I post the pic anyway, despite context being right behind a corner? I kind of want to, but I've already been putting it off so much...

I just really need to get motivated and focus using Pomodoro or something. Maybe I'd knock everything out if I did.

My most recent completion from literally this morning might just be my favorite in all my years of manip-making.

Meanwhile, the one finished right before it might be the worst thing I've ever made, and its excerpt just makes it worse. I enjoyed it thoroughly, though, which makes me question myself as I'm seeing patterns...

I want to draw/paint again. I've done stuff for IRL projects but not size content.

I need inspiration to just sit down and pen for hours or days.

Would y'all mind me doing sketches again? That'd be quicker.

Lastly, the real reason why I chose to make a journal:

I'm really considering putting expanded, not-yet-seen lore for my stories on my blog site (on WordPress), and I feel like I've pondered this before.

As repeatedly mentioned, I have too many ideas but not even drive to collect them all into something worthwhile. But I'd like to get them out there somehow so others can indulge in my babies as much as I do. Some creators have blogs just for certain stories and their characters, settings, etc. that I adore, and I want to feel that in a way, too. However, most people don't have ten (10) or more stories at once that they equally love. Fuck, I need to edit my blog with more pages for more things I've conjured but isn't there, yet.

I feel that by doing so on my site,

People who do want to know how a plot of a tale will go, because I write as quickly as molasses runs yet have an outline for everything, can know.

It'll be organized as I see fit but my own control (unless WordPress does something drastic).

In addition, the data wouldn't be directly attached to the works on other sites like here, either, in case ideas change or people are averse to spoilers and want to stay away.

Reading all this over, couldn't I put the same data/lore in DA journals, Tumblr posts, etc., too, adding tags or titles to mark what's what? Couldn't I also put the works themselves that are here or even the damn music list on my site, too? Should I?

Am I overthinking this? I think I'm overthinking this.

That's it, I think.

Does any of this make sense? Please let me know your thoughts on anything but mostly the blog stuff if you can.

(I've also put this on DA if you'd prefer to respond there.)

Stay safe, and Happy Equinox! I'm glad I'll see flowers blooming again soon.

#rambles #lore #blog #updates #ideas #journal

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