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heyhey !! can i request some hcs of jun, tetsuya, n chris having a very soft but artistic s/o who draws them a lot? and maybe one day they find her sketchbook open n it’s just sketches of them? no pressure if you’re not inspired by this or anything tho n ty !! <33

Sketchy Secrets

⤷Includes: Chris, Jun, Tetsuya

A/n: I'd be more than happy to write this! The 3rd years make me unfathomably soft so I'm going to have a bunch of fun with this! Thank you for requesting and I hope you like it ♥️

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Chris

Chris wouldn't consider himself a very nosy person

He's always respectful of your space and never pries when he can tell you want to keep something private

But nothing has ever tempted him to break that boundary more than the worn notebook you keep on you

It's in your hands constantly and you're so secretive about the item your behavior was bound to garner some curiosity on his end eventually

Nevertheless, Chris fought his inquiring mind out of respect for you and let the contents of the notebook remain a mystery

Chris could definitely appreciate art but he wasn't much of an artist himself, so it was quite the surprise when he opened the notebook he used the keep baseball notes in and be met with a bunch of sketches

Immediately he understood that this must be the oh-so mysterious notebook you've had on you for months. By some miraculous force the two of you seemed to have accidentally swapped notebooks

The damage was done and he already knew what resided in the book so how much worse could it be to give into the hungry curiosity he's been harboring the past few months?

Chris handled the pages with care as he flipped through the book. Most of the pages were filled with what he assumed to be anatomy studies and the occasional silly doodle here and there

When Chris reached the middle of the notebook he noticed a trend in your art begin: All of your sketches were of him

His cheeks were most definitely tinted a soft pink the further he flipped. He was dumbfounded that you found him to be a source of inspiration, he wasn't always a ball of sunshine and rainbows as you've seen him on his worst days

But he found it interesting to look at the conjured up version of how you saw him. It was like he was looking at himself through your eyes

It was then that you barged open his dorm door, hair messy from running and his baseball notebook clung to your chest. He saw the fear flare in your eyes when you spotted the open book in front of him

"D-did you..."

"I looked through it. I'm sorry, you wanted to keep this private and I spoiled that for you."

"So did you see the...uh sketches?"

"I did and I think they're remarkably beautiful, I had no idea you were so talented, love"

A wave of relief crashed into you at his words. You honestly thought he'd think it was creepy you had pages and pages filled with sketches of him

Chris chuckled at your reaction before he stood up and pulled you into a warm embrace where he placed a kiss to the top of your head

Jun

Jun is...a very brash person

He's loud and rambunctious by nature but the man instantly developes a softer side when around you

Seeing the normally boisterous outfielder morph into a far gentler version of himself was quite the sight, and the occurrence had definitely become a topic his friends would make jabs at

Jun never let their teasing remarks bother him much, he enjoyed spending quiet time with you and was more than happy to sit through his friends bad jokes if it meant he could continue hanging around you

Recently though Jun had noticed an odd habit of yours

You stare at him alot. Not in a 'checking your boyfriend out' kind of way but as in blatant staring even if you knew he caught you looking

It was a bit odd in his opinion seeing as you never addressed or hinted at why you actually do stare at him so much

Jun didn't question it, maybe he was just catching while you were spacing out and didn't realize what you were doing

What he didn't know was that he would unintentional find out what was driving this habit of yours only a few weeks after becoming aware of it

He spotted you alone at a table in the schools library one afternoon while searching for some research material he needed for a project

You were sitting with your back to him, leaning heavily on on of your arms. From where he was standing it looked like you had either fell asleep or were zoning out like you often did around him

Jun decided to go "wake" you up, as leaving you there in that state would be defeating your purpose of coming to the library in the first place

Before he could tap your shoulder after approaching your table, his eyes flicked to the book sitting wide open infront of you

More specifically he was watching your hand roughly sketching the outline of a person's hair style

The longer he looked the more he realized that the entirety of the two pages in front of you were drawings of him

Anything from small, quick doodles of him catching a ball or swinging a bat to more detailed sketches of him laughing or reading a book

You must have finally sensed someone looking over your shoulder as you jumped slightly in your seat and quickly turned to find Jun (whose face was beyond flushed might I add)

"This is why you stare at me all the time?!"

"Ah...maybe?"

Despite how embarrassed you both were he still pulled a seat up next to you, gruffly mumbling out how you shouldn't let his presence keep you from your art

He then quietly complimented your artistic skills, sealed with a soft kiss to the back or your hand

Tetsuya

If there is one thing that Yuki Tetsuya loves about your relationship it's the fact that you always pack little bentos for the two of you to share after games

Obviously he loves YOU for many other reasons! But if he were asked what quirk or abnormality he loves the most in your relationship it'd be the bentos

Which he was currently rummaging through your bag for

You usually have a specific spot in your bag for the small containers, a place that would keep the food cool so it wouldn't get spoiled in the Tokyo heat, but Tetsu couldn't seem to find them

Eventually he spotted the familiar teal and green box after shuffling the contents of your bag around a bit

With an accomplished glimmer in his eyes he pulled the bento out from your bag

As he was retrieving the container, said bento caught the corner of a small notebook causing it to tumble out and flop open on the concrete

Tetsuya quickly scooped the book up from the ground fearing that he had gotten it scuffed or dirty, but those worries left as his attention was captured to the contents of the notebook

At first he thought the image was a digital picture you had printed out but the longer he looked the more he picked up on the smudgy finger prints littering the page

And then it clicked for him: You drew this!

Right next to the portrait of him was a smaller doodle of a scene he recognized as your phones lockscreen (a second year version of the two of you happily smiling at eachother, his arm wrapped respectfully around your waist as you struggled to look up at him due to the brim of his Seidou hat blocking your view)

The sketched version looked exactly the same as the real photo! It was beautiful and somehow you had managed to enhance the tender emotions portrayed in the picture

"Tetsuya, did you find the ben- oh.."

"Do you think you could draw a larger version of this? I want to put it on my desk."

You just laughed at his bluntness before giving him a nod in response

A small smile graced his features as he looked from you back to your messy sketch. It wasn't a look you saw very often from him, but that smile made your knees weak as you fell in love with him all over again

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 151 [End: Interlude]

The last thing you needed on your plate right now was mitigating an international crisis between the Avengers, backed by the United States, and Sudan. Every move you made forward immediately after rounding every last soldier on the Hydra base had to be calculated, careful, and quick. You had work to do. ...especially when the Sudanese army parked up on the dunes and started pointing weapons and barking orders at you. Their intel reported that warehouses on the Port were exploding- being destroyed. And… there were the Avengers. Exploding and destroying things. What a mess.

Your first call was to Ellis, which was neither pleasant nor easy. With the way things were, you could have Damage Control scoop up weaponry all day, but the fact of the matter was there were a lot of people that needed to be arrested and extradited. So he had to have your back first. And he had to know about this first, because the second you went anywhere else here, he’d know about it after the fact. They’d go to him. It was unfortunate that you had to take a verbal beat down. But hey, the two countries were friendly. 

At least you had that going for you. 

With that call out of your way, Ellis actually laid the path of connections forward for you. He highlighted out a Sudanese Air Force base that you and Tony dragged the quinjet to so that he could begin making the necessary repairs. While you fumbled your way through a conference call with your President, Omar al-Bashir (Sudan’s president), a few embassy members on both sides, generals on both sides (including a very pissed off Talbot), and a few people on lower rungs you couldn’t be bothered to remember, the team hung back. You tried your best to remain calm while accusations that the Avengers had sneaked in and enacted an unsanctioned military operation underneath the American banner and that as allies this was not a conscionable thing to do. It might have even been an act of war- 

You reminded them that current policy between both countries had been facilitating a dialogue that was meant to keep international terrorists out of their land- and that was precisely what you and your team had done. But, the argument came back quick, why were they not alerted? And to this you were absolutely lucky that you had your invited guest Colonel Rhodes on the line to bullshit his way through secret military plans this- blahblah that- and that it would have endangered the mission to let it get any further than the Avengers’ intel, otherwise Hydra would have packed up and left. Or worse, been a threat to the Sudanese themselves. 

It ended amicably, as you reassured al-Bashir that your team was acting on a peace-keeping mission between the countries, and of course you all were incredibly sorry for any offense caused by not keeping him aware of what was happening in his own country. But, the greater point was that the Avengers had taken down a mass Hydra base. And the criminals would be punished to the fullest extent of the law. ...how could anyone argue with that? 

The same exact point you’d made to Ellis, when you’d promised him you wouldn’t get caught like this- but… if you did, that was the exact sort of thing you’d say. Because it was manipulative. Which was why it worked. And by the time you got off the call, Tony, marked in grease and sweat, had patched the jet up enough to get it in the air. The team wanted an update- more than that, they wanted somewhere to sleep for the night. Imagine that. It was getting late. 

Khartoum was twenty minutes away on the quinjet. You called ahead to the Al Salam hotel. Reserved enough rooms for the team. They could figure out how to order dinner for themselves, right? Once everything was booked you waved them off. Tony was swiping a towel across his face, standing there as everyone else boarded the jet. “Something tells me you’re not coming with us.”

“I have to wait for DC to get here so I can make sure things get done exactly the way they need to.” Your desire to melt onto the concrete was getting stronger while your resolve was growing weaker. Part of you wanted to just sit in the corner and cry. A little. 

“Ellis giving you a hard time?” He was asking honestly and genuinely. Trying to give you space to talk with him about how difficult this had been. Probably so he could lay into the team if they decided to get even close to annoyed about anything after this. 

But you spotted Steve not-so-secretly looking down the landing gear from his spot on the jet. Not here. You couldn’t do this here. And not right now. It was a move that grounded you more than it was in service to Tony, but you leaned up, pressing a small kiss to his cheek. Just to feel his guiding light for five seconds more. “We’ll talk about it later, okay?” 

He understood that immediately, and it saddened him all the more. “I can stay. They can check into a hotel by themselves. They don’t need me.” You do. The look in his eyes spoke volumes. He wanted to stay here with you to steady you. To be here to help give out commands. To work. Because you were working. 

But… he’d had a hard day, too. And… “Don’t you and Bruce need to talk about something? He’ll probably be better by the time they land.” They’d already wrapped him up in his weighted blanket and put on that calming playlist to help him even out. This was an excuse more than anything. It was hard to tell why you were pushing him away. Maybe so that he didn’t have to deal with this. So that his face didn’t have to be associated with it. Things had ended fine enough, but you were one phone call away from another shouting match with Ellis. 

Let it only be you. 

Tony wilted. You were pushing him away. So very obviously. It pained him. “Okay, honey.” This wasn’t an answer to anything you’d said. What he was answering was the unspoken: go with them, leave me here. And it was difficult for him to do so, standing there, looking at you, frown drawing terrible lines at the corners of his lips. “I’m on the comms. Always.” 

“If I need you I’ll call.” You indulged in one last moment of weakness, as you reached up, wrapping your arms around him. Squeezing yourself to him. Holding on to that warmth even after the moment had ended and he’d walked onto the jet. You looked after them, as they flew further and further and then eventually disappeared. 

Leaving you alone there. Trusting you’d do a good job. That you’d send those three-hundred or so remaining Hydra agents with Damage Control, where they’d be put in an American jail and await trial. Your phone started ringing again. And as you answered, you felt a part of you on that jet, miles away. You didn’t really feel there anymore. 

                                                                --- 

How could you be so stupid? How could you be so careless? How could you let your team do that? How dare you do that? Do you realize what you could have caused? Do you even care about anything other than your vague sense of justice? Why jump so quickly? Why leave everyone else behind? The Avengers are dangerous- Unchecked- Unruly- 

It was nearing midnight by the time you’d wrapped up with DC and finally made your way back to the hotel. You’d been on the phone for almost the entire time since the team had left, getting chewed out. Talbot and Ellis had tag-teamed you for hours on end about how unfathomably ignorant you and your merry band of idiots were. You’d tried to deflect, tried to bark up the greater good tree. You’d tried to remain calm and tried to keep having a voice in that discussion, rather than let them yell at you over each other. 

Because if you gave in, if you said nothing at all they’d start thinking they were right. Maybe they were. But that was a different discussion for a different time. One you kept putting off because you were sure you just couldn’t deal with it. You didn’t know what the end of that looked like. You weren’t sure you wanted to find out. 

The emptiness the team had left with had been filled up with Ellis and Talbot’s threats. Their anger. Their promises that if the team continued on this way, there were going to be consequences. And eventually you wouldn’t be able to talk your way out anymore. 

Really, you weren’t sure how you’d managed to make it to the hotel. It felt like your body was very ready to just collapse under the weight of all of this. You had a keycard in your hand, with no idea how you’d gotten it. You were headed to your hotel room. And only when you opened the door did you switch off auto-pilot. 

Tony and Bruce were in the bigger part of the suite, leaning over a large table. They’d brought some gear from the jet. “-I wasn’t sure where you two were vacationing-” It was strange to hear Bruce giving Tony an earful. Had the team been giving him a hard time, too? Sure- the both of you leaving had been… sudden, but… 

The urge to protect him won out over the urge to go lie face down on the bed. “I’m back. Sorry to interrupt.” Breaking up the discussion so he’d leave Tony alone about it. You were almost sure you could have walked into the bedroom without them noticing, if you hadn’t said anything. 

Shifting to stand straight up, Tony swiped holographs of whatever they were working with out of the air. “Hey, honey.” Concerned about you immediately. It was probably the way you looked. And how long you’d been gone. He put a hand on Bruce’s shoulder. “I think that’s good enough for tonight. We’ll have a team meeting tomorrow.” 

Bruce seemed uncomfortable. Hard to tell why. “Uh… sure.” Though he did give you a small wave. “Good to see you. I hope… I hope everything’s alright.” There was no telling what they’d talked about for hours while you were busy, but you imagined you had been a topic of discussion at least once. 

You braved a smile for him. “Everything’s fine.” For now. 

Tony gave his shoulder a pat, not pushing him but directing him towards the door. “Why don’t you get some rest- oh- you know-” But then he gave Bruce a little nudge with his elbow, “I heard Nat’s doing a bit of night swimming down at the pool.” 

Hot embarrassment flashed through Bruce so hard it got your face warming almost in time with his. He got flustered immediately. “It’s late- I’ll- I’m gonna-” 

The curve of a grin on Tony’s face almost made this worth it. “Goodnight, Bruce.” 

He was quick to turn tail and run. You wondered in which direction. “...goodnight.” 

Politely you waited until you heard the front door close and his footsteps trail off down the hall. Then you turned, “He and Nat have a thing going on?” 

Tony shrugged. “They would, if he’d get over himself and commit.” 

The bed had been calling your name, but his heart was calling louder. Drawn to him, you slipped out of your shoes and came across the room to him, winding your arms around his middle, burying your face against his chest. “I’m sure he appreciates your dating tips.” Mumbled into his shirt. 

Relief was almost immediate. And it was a blessing. The rumble of his light laughter vibrated through you. “He has to admit he has a crush on her first before we can work our way to tips.” He soothed one hand back through your hair, fingers light at your scalp. His other arm moved to hold you around your shoulders. 

“Well, when he does…” Breathing out, almost ready to pass out right then and there. But you needed this. You didn’t want to give in just yet. “I’m sure you’ll know just what to say.” 

“Absolutely.” Maybe it was just because he knew you so well, or maybe he just felt you fading, but he bent in suddenly, sweeping you off your feet. “I’ll just tell him how I got you. Unending pestering until she gives in.” 

You laid your head against his shoulder as he started moving. “Doesn’t seem his style.” 

“Well, if he wants to get the woman of his dreams… that’s the only way I know how.” 

Your smile was calm and your eyes were already closed. “It wasn’t pestering.” 

He scoffed. “You don’t have to change history for my benefit.” 

“You changed. That’s all. I could tell you were being serious- not like before.” 

There was a slight pause, even though you had no idea the layout of the room, you felt he had probably stopped just at the side of the bed. “Before?” Curious. 

“Before you… when we went out to dinner all those times before- it wouldn’t have mattered if I’d say yes or no. You’d have gone to bed with someone else the very next night regardless. But… after everything that happened… you changed. And I could tell you were serious about being with me.” ...though it took a lot of convincing to make you feel that way. Maybe he was right. Maybe pestering was the right way to go about it. 

A warm echo rippled out from him, and you blinked your sleepy eyes open to see him gazing at you. Once you returned the look, “I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.” 

You really couldn’t help the smile, then. “I think I might have to agree with that. ...egotistical as it may be.” 

As you lifted your hand, brushing the backs of your fingers against the line of his cheek, and then turned your palm around to hold his face, he frowned. Concern simmered just on his surface again. “Are you okay?” The two of you had been joking literal seconds ago. But he already knew. 

You weren’t. And that’s why he was asking. 

“I’m tired, Tony.” Raw and honest as admitting this nearly drew tears from you. How many times had you said this?

Dipping in as sadness bloomed somewhere deep inside him, he laid you down, and then set his hands on the covers as he leaned over you. “I know, honey. Me, too.” Once again, for just this brief moment you were sure, it was just you and him again. Just people. Falling apart at the seams. And no way yet to stop it. “I think- tomorrow you should go home.” The thought started as a suggestion, but it ended nearly as a command. 

There was only one reason he would say this- and like that. “You guys really found the scepter.” Tomorrow the team would make a game plan. And after that… they’d move again. Go right back into battle. 

“Bruce is pretty sure- and so am I. So leave tomorrow. I’ll tell them you had to run more optic clean up- I’m almost positive you do, anyway.” Finally moving, he sat next to you, lifting his hand to card through your hair again. 

You put your hands around his wrist just as his hand slid down over the side of your face, and held him there. “I do. But… the scepter is what started this recent string. We can close it out and… try to pretend to be normal again after.” Leave again. And hopefully not be interrupted this time. “Where do you guys think it is?” Trying to invest yourself now so that you wouldn’t give up. 

He didn’t want to tell you. His hesitation drew on for too long as he looked at you, expression neutral- save for his eyes. And almost everything else you could feel. He was hurting just listening to you. Watching you do this. But you hurt for him, too. So maybe it was fair. “It’s a hidden research base in Sokovia.” 

Sokovia? That was a country you hadn’t thought about in a very long time. In fact, a completely different lifetime. Was the United States still friendly with Sokovia? They were such a small place… your brain was too much of a mess to even begin to think about country relationships again so soon. But the fog in your eyes must have alerted him to the fact that you at least had tried for a few seconds to make some sense of it all. 

“Are we in a lot of trouble?” 

Him asking this slapped you back to reality. He was… he was worried. To be honest, so were you. “Not yet.” The best answer you could give him. “Rhodey saved our asses.” 

Tony’s smile was brief. “Yeah, he’s good at that. Can’t wait to hear about it for the next ten years.” 

You just shook your head. “We’re… we’re on thin ice, Tony. I don’t know what to do.” A long time ago he’d hired you because you’d tried to appear smart. Like you knew everything worth knowing. That you had all the answers. That’s why you did all his pressers. Why you spoke for him. Because he trusted that you knew the right thing to say and do. And even now… even now he still held that trust with you. But you just couldn’t lead him on anymore. “I have no idea what we’re going to do. Every time we go out, it’s one step closer to an edge I’m not sure we can survive.” 

Something deep in your heart of hearts told you. There was a finality somewhere in here. You hoped it didn’t end in war. You’d backed Ellis into a corner. He couldn’t say he had no idea the Avengers were in random countries doing who knew what- but when would the moment be when he decided to put his hands up and let the world decide your fate? It was coming. 

Your mind was racing, as was your heart. You struggled for words. “Maybe we can talk about a plan to deputize the Avengers or… or- make them an official branch of the military-” But even hearing yourself say these words aloud, you flinched. “It’s a terrible idea- I know we don’t wanna belong to anyone but-” 

But what choice did you have? The world would eventually get tired of enhanced individuals hailing from America busting into their countries to do- really- whatever the hell they felt like. 

“Hey.” He pulled your attention back towards him with a soft but firm call. It was like he just popped back into view. For a few moments there you’d been kind of unknowingly hanging out in a void. His hand moved to rest over your heart. “Take a few deep breaths, will you? We’re alright.” 

You were panicking. And too tired to do much about it. Swallowing hard, you closed your eyes, resting back against the headboard, not sure when exactly that you’d sat up. Your hand found his. Clutching hard. Just trying to find your anchorpoint. 

“We will figure this out.” He was making this promise to you. And by we he meant I. “We’ll be careful in Sokovia. No great and terrible international incidents, I promise. In and out.” Doubling down. “And we’ll… talk to the team. So that maybe they can better understand our position in the world.” 

A smile found you, though it was bitter. “And what position is that?” 

“A precarious one. You shouldn’t be the only one shouldering this. They need to understand the impact of what we do. Everyone always thinks they’re on the right side. Next time we invade a country, they need to be able to have their perception of reality challenged. They need to be able to accept consequences. Or we might all end up in secret superhero jail.” 

Somewhere in the middle of his heated and sure speech you’d opened your eyes to look at him again. He was spiraling, too. And he was angry. You weren’t the only one thinking about international affairs. Of course you weren’t. You could send him out of earshot as often as you liked, he still knew what was going on. He was too smart not too. ...and too in love with you to turn his back on your struggles. Even now, while you knew he was overly concerned about otherworldly affairs being the bigger goal… he was still trying to keep in step with you over more grounded issues. Because nobody else seemed to be. 

So that was it then. The both of you would struggle together. Until you either figured this out or… until you failed. Because it wasn’t going away. The world would only get more dangerous. The Avengers provoked peoples’ ideals. They incited challenge. More and more enhanced individuals seemed to be cropping up. And they wouldn’t always be good people. You could be careful on the next mission and the next and the next… but eventually… 

“I love you, Tony.” Pretty much the only thing you were sure of, anymore. At least you had him. He would always have your back. No matter how terrible things got. 

There was a twitch of a smile on his lips, like hearing you say this made it better. Even if fleeting. Leaning in, he pressed a line of kisses down from your forehead, over the bridge of your nose, and then to your lips. Waiting against your skin with each one. Imparting them to you. And when he was finished, “I love you. More than anything. We’ll figure this out. I promise.” 

If there was anyone on earth you’d believe about this… it was him. 

                                                               ---

Sleep was hard to come by that night. And there was a sickening roiling in your stomach the next morning as you got up. You ordered breakfast to Steve’s room, as that’s where everyone decided to meet. Tony went ahead of you to lay out all his information with Bruce- though not before asking if he should walk over with you. 

There were too many questions you had to go through. Should you alert Ellis to this? It seemed like the best case of action, considering how pissed he was over what happened only yesterday. If everyone got caught again and he found out after the fact, there was no telling what he would do. But, considering he was angry about what had happened, if you told him, he might order you to not go. 

Not telling him was a lie of omission. You’d be lying to your President. To your country. And if you got found out… that might be worse than being told no to marching into Sokovia. 

You didn’t want to weigh the pros and cons of this. It literally had started feeling so heavy. The team was going to gear up. If you were the reason, even via extension of Ellis, that they couldn’t go through with this… Thor would probably go anyway. He was still mad that SHIELD had lost the scepter and never told anyone about it. Tony seemed sure this base was finally the one they were hiding in. 

...so you had to go. You had to go and not tell Ellis. And pray that you wouldn’t be found out. 

Just as soon as you’d regained your composure and exited your hotel room, your phone started going off. On the growing list of people that wanted your attention, you weren’t expecting to see Coulson’s name on your caller ID. ...it probably wasn’t a very good sign. “Hello?” Answering as you made your way towards Steve’s room. 

“We don’t have a lot of time. I’m sending the information over to Stark’s servers. We just had a Hydra scientist escape. His name is List. He’ll be with another scientist named von Strucker at a research base in Sokovia. They’ve been giving you guys the runaround.” 

Unbelievable. Information was converging. This really was it. And it wasn’t important to tell Coulson that Tony and Bruce had been one step ahead of him. Maria’s voice spoke before you could get a chance to reply, and that was a surprise, too. “Can you have the team ready to dispatch?” 

“Within twenty-four hours, yes.” Of this you were certain. Seeing as you were already headed there. 

“I hear there was a mess in Sudan.” She sounded some weird mix of miffed and amused.

Maria Hill was also not your boss. You didn’t answer to her. ...in fact, technically, you were hers. “Not much of a mess. That’s all done with, anyway.” You wouldn’t wonder if she was the reason Nat had been there in the first place. “Is there anything else I should know?” Asked just as you knocked on Steve’s door. 

Thor was the one who opened it, just as Coulson spoke again. “They’ve been experimenting on humans with the scepter. Most of them died. Horribly. But there were some that survived. They scrapped the data after we cornered List the first time. Intel says there’s an encrypted database at their location. You’ll lose all of it, if they figure out you’re onto them. I don’t have anything else for you.” You’d stopped walking somewhere in the middle of the room. Everyone looked up. “There’s no telling what you’ll find there. Stay sharp.” 

“Wait-” Not wanting him to just hang up after telling you that. “They were trying to make enhanced individuals? With the scepter?” 

“They succeeded.” 

The room went a little cold. As you let your phone down your gaze went instinctively towards Tony. Who was staring at you. Apprehensive. The whole room waited on your next words. You tried, yet again, to pull yourself together, so that your voice wouldn’t tremble in front of them. “SHIELD tracked the scientists working with the scepter to the base in Sokovia. They recently relocated and got away from Coulson and his team.” At least that’s what you imagined the scenario was. 

Bruce removed his glasses as nervousness took hold of him. “What was that about enhanced individuals?” 

“Coulson was trying to warn us they might be the opposition.” 

Tony crossed his arms rather stiffly. “Any more info than that?” And when you shook your head he rolled his eyes with a shake of his head. “That’s SHIELD for you. Day late and a dollar short until we generously donate our time. Alright. Gather up everyone. This goes off without a hitch. There is no Plan B.” 

As you moved to stand next to his side, his voice started fading further and further away from your grasp. The air in the room felt so thin. It felt like you were suffocating. Maybe you should have gone home. There was a voice in your ear. 

Something terrible was about to happen. You just felt it. 

The One And Only Way To Find Love – Instead Of Pain And Hurt

The One And Only Way To Find Love - Instead Of Pain And HurtLove Can Be Stomach-Wrenching, Head-Spinning, Dumbstrucking, Spellbinding. But apart from being intoxicatingly sweet, love can also be damn hard. And hurt. And mark. And drive mad. It depends on one condition only. Whether you searched for love in order to give yourself a sense of purpose OR you knew who you were before love crossed your way. This is important because in order to be able to participate in love with dignity and really say “I love you”, first you have to be able to say “I love me”. And know why. For those of us, marked by a past of trying to impress, entertain, and retain people, love is always but a lesson. Through love we do not simply get in touch with another soul. We fish for the long-craven approval our parents refused to give us freely – years ago. For those of us who can lay in bed and calculate the various ways in which love can beat us black and blue, love is a way of getting rewarded for the hard work we’ve done on becoming a loveable person. Love is the ultimate medicine that cleanse our system from the byproducts of the toxic past. We fear abandonment in secret and powerful ways that actually attract it. We choose (mostly unconsciously) partners that are likely to get disenchanted with us, or reproach us for not being this or that – just like our parents did and it hurt us so horribly. We often fall for the unavailable not because we are mental but because somehow, in the back of our minds, we presume that if we manage to change the end of the story this time we will be worthy at last. We will have made it. We Can’t Imagine That Love Can Be Received Freely, Like A Gift. We Always Have To Deserve It. It’s because earlier in life love and acceptance have been denied to us – unless we fought for them with every bit of our being, trying to guess what is next, fearing we will do something wrong, and abhorring the consequences. To us love is never just a pleasant chance to get close to another and enjoy it, readily receiving and giving what is there to receive and give. For us love is a lesson in self-love. And it will hurt us to our guts until we learn to stand on our own two feet. Until we learn to not betray ourselves in order to win somebody over – petrified that even if we do, it won’t last. The trouble with love is our main problem in life. We meet people and, if we really like them, we get panicked that they will suddenly stop liking us. We are jealous and spiteful, we crave attention and reassurance in such quantities that is always humiliating to say it out loud. We hope that we will be loved back but deep in our souls we feel doomed to belittling and underestimation. We either stay alone for a really long time, imagining the love that would never leave us, becoming more and more idealistic in our world of fantasies. Or we rush into relationships, ready to give our hearts away at the first signs of affection. We are tormented by our fear of rejection, our low self-esteem, our panic that it will NOT work out in the end. The end where we weren’t enough. That is what trauma re-enactment is all about. Going through what burned you again and again, hoping to fathom the unfathomable and to change the irreversible. The Trouble With Love For Us Is That As Soon As We Feel In Love, We Feel Lost. We can be very entertaining and self-declaring, we can be confident and even nonchalant, we can be a great flirt and play hard-to-get without even really wanting to achieve anything. We draw attention like magnets because we have learnt how to be noticed, how to get applause, how to make people laugh. Nevertheless, the shit hits the fan when we feel attracted to someone who we would love to make attracted to us. It is then when our authenticity and confidence get swept away by the fear of rejection and abandonment. Most of us can recall many instances on which we suffered humiliations or coldness, when we waited around the phone and begged for attention, obsessed with the idea of receiving it. It is as though our lives shrink into that one possessing sensation of hanging into thin air, starved for adoration and love, angry at the person, and terribly dependent on them – because the power to make us feel worthy now lies in their hands, not ours. The Trouble With Love For Us Is A Trouble With Not Knowing Who We Are And Not Being Constructively Interested In Our Own Well-Being. The distant and avoidant partners that we secretly choose seldom fail to deliver on our most horrible fears. They somehow manage to forget about us, to need just a little of us, to train us to tolerate their inconsistency and hesitation. How we feel most of the time in our romantic endeavors is uncertain. The trouble with love for us is that we do not use love to enrich our lives but to mercilessly prove to ourselves, once more, that we weren’t wanted badly. So we are not valuable, we are a failure. An entertainment. A one night stand;. An affair. A friends-with-benefits. An it’s-complicated. Once we feel abandoned and insufficient, we sink 10 000 feet per minute into the abyss of self-hate and martyrdom, crying for the “love of our life” with bitter tears of anguish and rage. We swear it wasn’t fair. While it was. But not because we are not worthy, but because we missed to show it, to stand up for it, to put it first and to bear it in mind like a precious mascot of who we really are – with or without the love we so hopelessly waited to lose. We have an early trauma. The trauma of not having received love unconditionally. Of having been criticized and urged to become someone more perfect and lovable. It is this trauma that demands re-enactment in love. And we “medicate” it with various kinds of potential partners that miraculously show the same behavior as our parents – coldness, inconsistency, stone walling, reprimanding, shutting off on us, abandoning us, rejecting us, and then sometimes feeling like liking us again – only for a short time so it hurts more when it’s taken away later on. Our trauma is like a huge wound which attracts all kind of predators – our teachers. The people we meet and come to love are the ones who teach us how to love ourselves first. There is only one way to turn this around and it does not go through becoming more altruistic, more adaptive, or more generous. We have done that already and it never worked out. We have tried to become significant and needed, only to start feeling redundant at the first signs of disinterest. So it is our most important task to sit with ourselves and to honestly inspect what part of us made us unwilling to receive love and eager to meet with failure. Because it was us all the way, although our partners contributed to the process by adopting the roles we secretly ascribed to them – withholding appraisal and love, being inconsistent, caring less, going cold on us. It is up to us to really sit down with who we are and invite the demons inside to come out into the sun and make friends. It is up to us to learn to sit with ourselves. And to be ready to get up and leave when someone is treating us as though we are less of – instead of staying long enough, like tireless warriors, proving our worth over and over again. It is now that we have to embrace ourselves and cut the crap about why we are no good. And we do that by accepting who we are – not by becoming better, or more lovable, or less ditchable. We do that by agreeing to be who we are and respecting this person and loving to spend time with them, and really, really giving tons of shit about them. At all times. Unwaveringly. Starting now. BY ALEXANDRA PETROVA