mmmmore fanfic of ur Healthcare au that is also soft sky stuff bc u needed something soft earlier today. I know it's probably going to happen differently when/if you ever write the part about Sky's recovery after the bleeding out thing but this was just me wanting to give u some warm fuzzies with ur boys (u can fully keep this as a private lil thing for urself if u want too)

Wind and Sky were shivering together; bundled up under the pile of scratchy medic blankets.

"It takes a bit to get used to holding your hands this way, but you've got a good start." 

Sky yawned and let his cheek rest on top of Wind's gull's nest of hair. The teen's fever warmed Sky's face, and if he were a bit more coherent and less woozy he'd be more concerned.

"And now I do that half-double-crocher whatever again?" Wind rasped.

Sky nodded and watched the boy's hands work the yarn back and forth. Undo a piece here and there to try again or to tighten up a loose spot.

Wars shook his head from the chair he sat a guardian's post from at the foot of the cot the two insisted on squishing into.

Sky yawned again, feeling a tug at his stitches. His eyes were too heavy to follow Wind's hands anymore beyond the fact they were also steadily slowing as exhaustion started to hit them both.

—----

"Sky! Sky!" 

The pilot blinked awake. It took his head a moment to stop swimming and catch up with up with world. He stretched, carefully avoiding pulling too much at either stitches or IV.

"Hmm, wasit Wind?"

"Look-" Wind was interrupted by a short fot of coughing Sky patted his back through, "look! Wars finished the socks for you. You can wear them now!"

And so he did. Sky blinked at the misshapen, clashing striped pair of crocheted socks on his lap. He could see where the stitches changed from Wind's carefully guided, albeit inconsistent, stitches into War's slightly more practiced ones. Sky felt his heart swell with warmth and he carefully held them in trembling hands.

"I thought we were making these for you?"

"Nah, you need 'em more. You're cold all the time," Wind gave a cheeky smirk, "I only feel cold half the time, the other half I'm ready to lay on the tile floor."

He flopped back on top of the covers dramatically. Sky noticed for the first time Wind was down to his undershirt and pajama pants rolled up, with a cooling patch slapped on his forehead. He noticed War's was asleep in the chair at his side, rather than the foot of the bed, with his head knocked back and snoring softly in the dim light.

"Well," Sky yawned again, "I'll have to thank you two proper when we all can stay awake for more than twenty minutes at a time."

Wind snorted and messed up Sky's hair as the older man yanked on the freshly made socks before he snuggled down into the blankets with a shiver. Despite knowing he was cold, he still felt warm and fuzzy enough to sleep.

Awwwwww thank youuuu ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ This was so sweet and soft and I love it so, so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Aahhhhhh

I really appreciate it, warm fuzzy feels with my boys ☺️❤️

So, I think I owe all of you a bit of a life update, just to let y’all know how I’m doing personally.

As I’ve mentioned in the past here, my car is kinda shitty. It’s a hand me down van, one I got from my grandma a little after my birthday in 2018 so I could get around to work and college. It’s served me well enough, but since April it’s been having some engine problems—not so bad that I can’t drive it, but bad enough that I can’t get it reregistered with the state without spending thousands on repairs first.

With all of that in mind, I’ve decided it might be a better plan to just trade in the van for a younger, sleeker, less-engine-fucked-up model. It’s hard to find something with my current budget, since I am at the upper end of poor and can really only afford so much and still feed myself and keep my roof over my head—but thankfully I’ve got a good job that’s giving me a bunch of overtime, and parents that are very supportive.

Honestly, since about March, my life has been kind of chaotic—my grandpa’s passing was really the kick-off and it’s all been downhill since—but it feels like things have leveled out and that maybe I’m on a bit of an upswing! Which, you know, awesome!

Anyway, I just thought I’d let y’all know. If it seems like I’ve been a bit distant or with a lack of motivation, I guess now you know why. Hopefully I’ll be writing more going forward, and doing more streams!

Oh! And thank you to everyone who checks out my streams on twitch! I’m still not totally sure what I’m doing, and I’ll need to pick up video-editing at some point so I can pare down the streams to bite-sized chunks…but for now, I’m having fun, and I hope you all are, too!

hi!!! just wanted to say, i just finished binge reading the biggest fics in the corin verse which i’ve been doing for about two weeks and i’m just. absolutely in awe of you as a writer and so appreciative that you’ve taken so much time to thoughtfully and carefully tell such beautiful stories!!! i’m fr not even a star wars person - like i’ve seen the first six movies at different times over the years and i follow some of the lore and stuff from the ongoing works, but i’ve never even seen the mandalorian and i don’t consider myself at all part of the fandom. but i came across your fics and here i am weeks later totally in love with everything you’ve done w the characters and the world and just all the ocs you’ve made who are so fleshed out and realistic and !!! idk i’m rambling but you just truly are a very talented and clearly hardworking writer and im not a big commenter normally cause i usually don’t have too much to say about a work but i’m obsessed w the world you’ve created and i wanted to let you know how much i appreciate all the work you do!!!! i saw ur feeling sick so hopefully you’re on the upswing!!! all the best <3

Wow, I heartily apologize for the unforgivably long time it has taken me to reply. Unfortunately it does seem like Covid has given my immune system a serious beating because I keep getting sick every time I'm back on my feet T-T That, plus work, it hasn't given me much free time...

But let me tell you how your message has certainly made my day, possibly my week, month, and maybe even my year <3 Thank you SO MUCH for the amazing feedback and I'm so incredibly honoured you decided to give my story a go despite not being in the fandom. I wasn't really deep into the SW fandom myself before the Mandalorian dragged me into it xD I knew about the fandom, of course, but I never wrote or read anything about it, so writing this series has given me a LOT of lore to catch up on xD

OCs are notoriously difficult, especially when you throw them into an already established universe with canon characters, so I can only bow into the dust with gratitude over your superkind words in regards to mine. I'm not going to lie; I put a lot of effort into them, and this really makes the hours worth it! Thank you and I hope you know how endlessly I appreciate your message! <3 <3 <3

I’ve seen a couple people shipping Lauren and Mia and I get it, Mia is there and hot and has nothing going on outside of work but even though I don’t love Leyren’s plot rn, Lauren is way too in love with Leyla to make any other ship even worth it. I mean I could be wrong and they could end up hooking up but I don’t think that’s where the story is going at all? Lauren’s scene at the end was obviously meant to show her growth and not like, a love connection between the two lol. And I’m not even opposed to them like I think they’d have decent chemistry if they went there and obviously headcanons and crackships are a thing and people can do whatever they want regardless but I’ve also seen some really unfair dismissals of Leyla just to prop the new ship up.

First for taking the money and then for trying to repay some of it. She literally can’t win. There’s a lot of crappy writing and odd development but the basics of their situation are clear and I feel like a lot of people are being wilfully ignorant because they dislike Lauren or Leyla or both. It’s also really annoying to see people dismiss Leyla now that she isn’t solely making Lauren happy. There’s so much “never liked them together anyway the new doctor is much better for Lauren” kind of sentiment online which is ridiculous because they’ve talked twice onscreen and the most we know about Mia outside of work is that she’s maybe definitely a mistress? But better for Lauren, sure lmao

ngl, it really annoyed me when people were jumping on shipping them in 4x11 when lauren was leaving heartbroken voice mails for leyla and still obviously in love with her. with any tv show, viewers want hook ups and relationships and always see things through shipping lenses. so it's not a surprise that it cropped up again and hey, i admitted it, i was dreading that they'd go there as well with lauren and castries. but if it didn't happen in this last episode then it's never going to happen lol. it's funny, watching the episode back i couldn't help but think that genevieve could've been a really good vanessa. she does have good on screen chemistry with janet and the way they were interacting by the end gave me annoyed but endeared big sister energy LOL. plus castries carries herself the same as jeanie in the 'i know i'm so charming it's disarming' kind of way.

but you're exactly right, lauren is way too in love with leyla to make any other ship worth it. here we are, 7 episodes later and lauren has only further proved just how entrenched her love for leyla is. the writers have spent literally half the series so far, building their relationship and even through hard conflicts where they could've taken an exit and written leyla off, chose to keep them in each other's orbit and continue telling their story. it is bullshit though that i've seen some people throwing leyla under the bus as a reason for shipping lauren and castries. like if that's your crackship, your headcanon, then go for it but to try and validate it by saying it's because leyla's been treating lauren like shit or hurting her when we've seen narratively that's the last thing she's trying to do is wild. people can get impatient and want that upswing happy time all the time and like, same? but there's a story to be told here. part of the same story that's got me by the chokehold and so invested in this damn silly little ship. idk i guess bottom line is live and let be lol. i've been getting caught up and a little worked up over fandom takes lately too but at the end of the day, it's never worth wasting your energy trying to convince people to ship this or that especially if it's gonna take away your own enjoyment. we can see the vision the writers are (hopefully) going for and the payoff at the end? when the hardwork and road these two traveled to find each other back in the middle, ready to build back better and stronger than they were before? that'll be for the people rooting for them all along.

Ok so life update?

So oh boy have I had a year.

And yes I’m aware I’ve been terrible with updating and posting. So hopefully over the Christmas break more will come. I was thinking of getting that Thedas cookbook and testing out some recipes?

Basically this year, was well it was a lot, I started my masters last September and now I’m in my second year and it’s going well but, um I had a few hiccups.

I had a really bad time last November mental health wise and then, well, there’s no good way to put this. I got hit by a car in January and broke multiple bones and spent a week in hospital and months recovering. I feel like I should clarify I’m ok now, everything’s healed well and I’m Canadian so I only got charged for the ambulance, which is covered by my student insurance. But yeah, not a great start to the year. I had to go part time as a student and recovery was pretty brutal in the early months.

Then a few other members of my family were hospitalized and that was very stressful (they’re ok).

Then there was an upswing. I really started to be able to move again and I was able to ditch my walker, I was on crutches, then I was using a cane and then my ortho cleared me in April and that felt really good. Physio went really well and I was feeling good.

I was able to go on a research trip with my supervisor and spent most of the summer abroad and overall had a really good summer. Made new friends saw new things and burnt the shit out of my feet in Crete.

I started my second year of my masters and it’s going well. I might even be getting to co-author a publication with my supervisor.

It’s been a very weird year, with some massive ups and downs. But yeah I kinda just wanted to…I dunno rant? Basically I want to do more on this blog and hopefully I’ll be posting more over Christmas, I have like 80 pages of a fic written and I want to edit and post it.

Well…I’m back?

Dareth shiral

Writing/Art Update 2/28/2022:

Well, this week started off pretty rough, just too many ideas for my poor paucity of brain cells. I was in the middle of some artwork, so I just suffered through until I finished that, and then I decided that what I really needed to do was just pick one thing to focus on.

It almost worked. I did a little work on the Dreadful Pornography, I don’t know why picked that, probably just because it was fairly short. I don’t like to write smut when my children are home and awake, though, so I wanted to have a secondary thing to work on at those times. I have a project that I started last summer and got stuck on and have tried to go back to a few times with no success, and anyway, the Great @troius Bleach Re-Read hit the relevant part of the manga this week, so I started thinking about it again, and I realized I could just pull a perspective switch and get over the part where I was stuck. (It went...okay)

It’s... nominally finished, in the sense that it is a complete narrative, but I’m still sort of struggling with what the hell I was trying to say, so I’m in the picking at it stage. It’s a weird fanfic for me, because it’s not funny, it’s not even very nice. It’s set during the Academy days when Rukia and Renji’s relationship was falling apart. I’m sort of torn about how long I want to keep working on it, because I feel like no one is going to like it anyway, but I also don’t like posting something if I’m not happy with it. 

In any case, I wrote about 2948 words on that (the whole thing is about 5,047), and about 1263 on the smut, which is not nothing, so I feel okay about that. Hopefully this is an upswing, and I can get back to writing one of the things I actually care about next week.

JSE - Given Time (Part 12)

Previous chapters: [x]

A/N: You know how I said I would wait to post this? I lied

Three and a half weeks.

Three and a half weeks since Marvin had wrenched awake with a ragged scream, feeling like someone had punched a hole in his chest.

Three and a half weeks since he’d half-stumbled, half-crawled from his room to the others, everything in his body singing, Wrong! Wrong! Danger!

Three and a half weeks since they had broken down Chase’s door to find nothing but his hat, phone and wristwatch strewn on the floor. Weeks of terror, rage, grief and determination warring within Marvin as he drilled through every tome on his shelf, searching and scanning for answers in every line, for some kind of sign.

By only the sixth day his fingers were bloody with papercuts and burnt from entangling too many spells at once but the others knew better than to try stopping him. They were far too busy with their own search methods.

Jackieboy had scoured the city, cashed in as many favors as he could spare, dragged as many police officers as he could get his hands on into the search. It was a testament to how much of their faith he had earned, working with them over the years. “He’s my friend,” he said, and that was all they needed to know.

Schneep contacted every hospital, every urgent care, every house caller he could think of in the city, then as many as he knew in the Ipliers’ city. Dr. Iplier had sworn he would do what he could on his end, though who knew how much?

Whenever he wasn’t on the phone, Henrik was crying into scarred, shaking hands. “I wish it were me. If the monster has him, if Chase must endure what I did…” There were nightmares and horrors in his eyes that wouldn’t let him elaborate. “I wish it were me. I would take his place, I would endure it all again if it would spare him!”

Jameson, meanwhile, did the work that was left by the wayside: food, water, blankets when the others finally passed out with their desks as their pillows. After the initial panic he seemed to go into shock. China-pale and puffy-eyed, he drifted from task to task in a daze. His speech slides were scarce, his signs nonexistent. On the rare occasion that he rested, he prayed.

There were no traces of static lingering in Chase’s room—not a speck, not a flicker. Emergency calls and hospital reports of stab wounds came up empty. Chase’s gun was still in its locked drawer, as were the bullets. There was no note to detail a goodbye. When Marvin grit his teeth, swallowed his pride and bitterness and called Stacy, she said that neither she nor the children had heard from Chase in a couple of months.

That should have been a relief, a sign that this wasn’t another attempt. Chase wouldn’t dare try to leave this world again without telling Brianna and Connor that he loved them one last time. Nevertheless the fear churned, always, in the back of Marvin’s mind.

What if he did try to reach the kids but couldn’t get through, so he gave up? What if he doesn’t have his gun because he’s going to try some other way? What if he took the note with him so it would be on his body when he’s found?

No. No. I would know. I would have felt it.

That tether he held, that thin lifeline tangled up around Chase’s soul was all that Marvin could count on every day. Chase’s face card, the King of Clubs, could not locate him, aimlessly fluttering up and down the streets. With every dead end the card’s enchantment found, Marvin was taken back to the days of watching Schneep’s card tumble in the wind, unable to reach him in the pocket dimension where Anti had stashed him away.

That train of thought found a new track.

Three and a half weeks since this new twist of their living nightmare began and at long, long last, they had found something solid to stand on.

Marvin’s plan had been to utilize his soul bond with Chase from the start, combing through dimensions one by one, searching for any pang, any sensation. Yesterday afternoon, however, Dr. Iplier had called Henrik to pass on a message.

“The Host is well aware of the Septic Egos’ trouble. Marvin the Magnificent approaches it on too small a scale. Pocket dimensions will prove trivial, fruitless…but the Host Sees beyond. For the price of a future favor, he may be of assistance in locating Chase Brody’s thread of reality.”

It was the easiest debt they could ever agree to. Another nine months with a hole in their household was not an option.

Marvin emerged on the opposite side of the portal, the opposite side of the universe, with Jackieboy tensed for a fight beside him. Schneep was quick on their heels, machete raised for an upswing, and Jameson had his sword cane drawn before his feet even hit the rocks. It wavered in his hand, however, as he laid eyes on the city in the middle distance.

“Jeepers…That truly is Elvery Heights. It’s the spitting image of our own…yet darker,” he murmured in wary disbelief.

“I don’t understand. Should this portal not have taken us straight where we should be? We are on the outskirts,” Schneep demanded.

“The Host wasn’t about to do all our work for us—and it’s probably better that we haven’t been dropped into the middle of a fight,” Jackie pointed out. “We know nothing about this place. We should find our bearings first.”

“We should find Chase; he’s waiting for us somewhere in there and I’m not going to waste any time sightseeing! We need to get in, get out and get him home!” Marvin snapped, pushing past him into a jog toward the far street. “I’m going to West General, Schneep; if he’s hurt, the Anti of this universe would probably dump him there for you to find!”

He had hardly sprinted ten feet before Jackieboy caught up with him. “Marvin,” he began in a warning voice.

“I feel him now. He’s here and he’s frightened,” Marvin snarled, dodging the hand that grabbed for his shoulder. “Isn’t this how you felt when Schneep was gone? Can’t you understand, you of all people?! Wouldn’t you do anything to get him back, no matter the risks? You would’ve plowed right in too if you knew where he was and I will not hesitate to do the same! Chase is—”

“I know. I know, Marvin.” Jackie matched pace with him, gaze steady, low voice unfaltering. “But even if I had found out where Anti kept Henrik, I would’ve been an idiot to go alone, with no reconnaissance and no plan. I don’t doubt for even a second that I would’ve gotten us both killed.”

“I don’t plan to make that mistake.”

“It would be an even bigger mistake to leave us behind! He’s not just your brother. You think JJ wouldn’t do whatever it takes to save his dad right now? But he’s keeping it together and coming along with a level head. We’re all here to help you.”

Muscles twitching in his jaw, Marvin quickened his stride. I’m coming, Chase. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Just hold on.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

All of the buildings, the streets, the parks, shops and walkways—They all seemed to be “right” but Henrik couldn’t shiver away this uneasy chill from his back as he followed Marvin and Jackieboy toward the hospital. It was his hospital. Shouldn’t he feel at ease, knowing this street so well? But as intricate as the familiar surroundings may be, they didn’t hold up well when he truly looked. It was like an optical illusion or a spot-the-difference game, everything further skewed as he ventured further in.

The passing cars were few and far between, the pedestrians dotted across the street so rarely that it was startling to see one. None of them smiled. None of them even seemed to care about each other’s existence. Unlike the civilians at home, these people didn’t give a second glance to the “quadruplet” Egos passing them. They didn’t bat a lash at their attire, didn’t bother meeting their eyes.

“You feel it creeping up on you too, doc?” Jameson shivered beside him, leaning on his sheathed cane to keep up. “The cold? The strangeness of it all? I can’t rightly put my finger on why but this place feels…ill, like the heart has drained from it. I find myself hoping that the hospital will show happier signs of life!”

“I hope that too.” Thanks to those words his patients’ faces were already flashing in his mind as they stopped before the double doors. “Okay…it looks normal enough, the way I know it…”

“You’re obviously the one who can get in and check around for any sign of him the fastest without being suspected,” Marvin announced, wasting no time to steer him forward by the shoulder. “You know where they keep the patient logs, right?”

“If they keep them where they do at home, yes, but that is an ‘if’,” he reminded him tersely. “This is a different world, Marvin; we do not know if I even work here, if I have ever worked here. Hopefully my coat and expert doctoring will let me pass through at a glance but if it doesn’t—”

“Henrik? Is that you standing dillydally around I see? I thought you were scurrying out to fetch our coffee twenty minutes ago!”

All other fears fled his mind at the call and left him paralyzed at the sound of that voice. Marvin and Jameson retreated a few feet, taken aback, but Jackieboy wasted no time shouldering defensively between him and the approaching figure.

“What’s going on? Henrik?” Albrecht repeated, glancing curiously between the rigid pair. “If you don’t hurry to the shop, our break will be over before you’re back.”

Henrik could only stare at his old enemy, openmouthed, drawing a blank on any possible response. The mere fact that Albrecht was unmasked, ungloved and clean of any bloodstains was enough to render him speechless. Jackieboy didn’t suffer that malady.

“What are you doing here, Doll Maker?” he barked.

“That’s the Doll Maker?” Marvin breathed, glancing at Jameson as he tightened white knuckles around the head of his cane.

“Well?” Jackie spat, eyes burning. “Have you been waiting for us to arrive? Are you the one who’s taken him?”

A snort of bewildered concern escaped Albrecht as he shifted back, hands lifted placatingly. “Very sorry, sir, but I imagine you think of someone else. I have never heard of any ‘Doll Maker’; I do not know why you call me that. Do you need a doctor’s help? Who was taken from you?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know? Are you trying to mock us?”

“Not at all! If you are looking for a patient, you can ask the front desk in there—or if you would like to wait just a tick, my friend Dr. Schneeplestein and I can gladly listen to your story and see if there is anything we can—”

A nearby crash, splash and clatter cut him off before he could finish, making them jump. As he spun sideways Albrecht lit up, calling out, “Oh, hello! There is the coffee! I—”

“Schneep,” Marvin whispered.

Jameson flinched. Jackie swore.

Albrecht wavered uncertainly, glancing to and fro with the same disbelief mirrored on the others’ faces. “W-Wait. Wait a moment…How can there be—?”

As the steaming brew collected in a puddle that stretched for his shoes, Henrik remained absolutely still, unable to breathe. On the other side of that gap, his other self, bony, pallid and haggard, stared him down with sunken eyes that still shone as cold and sharp as razorblades.

“What is this?” he hissed.

___________________________________________________

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@egopocalypse 

I’m glad you at least got lunch! Maybe try eating again if it’s not too hard? And I understand that family can suck sometimes, maybe straight up try telling them some stuff to clear things up a bit at first! Like set boundaries? Other than that, I do hope Thanksgiving isn’t a bust for you. Only eat as much as you’re comfortable with, but remember your definition of a lot is kind of a mind trick, so try to eat a bit more if you can. Overall, you’re very valid, and you deserve to have a good week

LIFE UPDATE

First of all, thank you for this whole thing, it’s very sweet and caring of you. I really appreciate people taking the time to reach out and make sure I’m okay and telling me to have a good week. <3 That means a lot to me that you guys do that.

Second, I’m just gonna make this my life update post since it kind of ties into everything I’m about to spill so uh.

TW: Eating Disorder and Covid mentioned under the cut in case anyone wants to scroll past or doesn’t want to read, which I understand. But here’s a lengthy life update that no one asked for.

TLDR: I’m moving soon, going on a mini hiatus, have been exposed to Covid, and generally not well but surviving.

I’ve been on an upswing today, so I’ll try to get this out rationally and coherently while I can. If you don’t know by now or you’ve somehow (luckily and miraculously) managed to not catch any of my stupid vent posts, hello! I’m Sweater, I’m 23, and I run this blog! I also have an eating disorder that I am actively trying to battle, and at this point I am in what I would call a full scale relapse for me.

Holidays this time of year (or any time really) are especially hard for me since food is a big factor in them. Without getting too much into specifics, restriction of food is common for me and often it just doesn’t feel or taste right. Eating can make me feel nauseous, disgusting, and ashamed, while not eating causes the exact same effect, except with the added point of apathy. Mostly this is an addiction that I have been fighting on and off since high school (a little over 5 years), but for me it’s also about punishment and control, and so when things get chaotic in my life, I tend to relapse habitually, sometimes without even realizing it. This can happen when I’m extremely stressed, when I feel out of control over my life, or just forget to take care of myself in general, whether that’s working through my lunches and breaks or sleeping too much or too little through meal times.

Right now, my life is really hectic. Covid has really upended everything for me, made me question my sexuality, my gender, and pretty much my entire identity. If you haven’t caught on by now, I’m also married, and this was a very recent thing that happened just this year in July. Unfortunately, things have not worked out, and since I’ve changed a lot as a person, my current living situation and relationship are on the line, and I’m having to go through the stress of figuring out divorce and an apartment in the middle of a pandemic. 

This is definitely not where I saw myself in just a year. I’m actively pursuing therapy, I’ve just gotten my own car, and I’m on track to get better, but things aren’t that simple and it’s really just taking a toll on me both physically and mentally. I was not looking forward to Thanksgiving and eating in front of people this year anyways, but now I definitely can’t go since there are people in my specific department at work who have Covid. We just found out today that someone who I was in close contact with all the time has it, and so I’ve been exposed for a second time. Because of this I’m not attending my family’s dinner, so I don’t have to worry about food anymore, but I do have to worry about whether I have Covid or not.

I am under a tremendous amount of stress. I have about a month of crunch time to get a new license plate and title for my car, find an apartment that I can afford that allows pets, get a divorce, and start therapy (hopefully). My family has been unsupportive for the most part and mostly just frustrated that I don’t want to stay with my spouse. But I have to say, I think the most frustrating thing in all of this is the ED and the symptoms that come with it. I mentioned above that I feel apathetic when I don’t eat. That gets in the way of me doing other every day things like work, being active at home, writing, taking care of myself, and giving attention to others. I lose motivation at work, I can’t focus on anything (my brain often feels foggy and hazy and it’s hard to remember anything; it all blurs together for days, weeks, sometimes even months), and I just feel drained and exhausted 24/7. So I feel stressed, yes, but I also don’t care about it and I do care about it at the same time.

I have okay days, and that almost makes it worse, because on days I do eat I end up with huge mood swings right after having been apathetic, and honestly it’s like giving myself emotional whiplash. One minute I’m having intrusive thoughts about how i’m certain negative words and phrases, the next I feel nothing at all and can hardly bring myself to walk around (often it’s a feeling of “what’s the point in existing?”), and then after I eat something I feel high in a sense, or lethargically warm and upbeat at the same time. It’s exhausting, really. To feel everything awful all at once, and then go from feeling absolutely nothing at all to the most upbeat positive things ever. It’s almost like false hope, if that makes sense? When I eat something and feel better, it’s easy to tell myself that things will be okay, that the ED isn’t real anyway, that I don’t have a problem and that I can feel normal. And if there is one, I’ll be fine, I don’t need help, etc. 

I’m dealing with all of that combined into one giant mess that is my life right now. That being said, this blog is my escape. I’ve met a lot of cool people here, gotten to know some really lovely friends, and I’ve written really cool things that people seem to really enjoy. I want to continue to write, but that requires focus and time, both of which my ED is actively taking from me. I’m doing my best to be here as much as I can and I will still continue to work on requests and writing, because it’s a way for me to cope and escape. But I do need to acknowledge that my life is out of control and I need to do something about it.

I’m doing my best to stabilize myself and work on things. I think a mini hiatus at some point in December will be inevitable, however, especially considering there will be a point in time where I will not have access to an internet router/the internet for my laptop to write. So I’m not sure when exactly, but it’ll probably be towards the end of December. 

Anyways, this is not a post asking for pity or attention, just a post for me to process some things and give a life update. You are in no way obligated to respond to this or to comment on this unless you really feel the need to. I just wanted to be open and honest about where I was and what was going on with me. I understand if you don’t want to follow me after this or if you just want to scroll past.

Just know that I’m working on myself, I’m trying really hard, and it’s really difficult for me sometimes to get a grip on my writing and my own sense of self because of this. If anyone needs anything I’m usually always here! But again, all of this is the reason I don’t always respond to messages. It’s nothing you’ve done or said, I just literally can’t remember that I was having a conversation sometimes, or I can’t focus enough to type out a reply, or I’m sleeping through the day or just dissociating and feeling apathetic. But I love you all, and I’m thankful for your support, and I want to be better.

Much love and care,

-Sweater <3

okay bleurgh I’m still kinda hungover but my period started this morning (THANK FUCKING GOD) so the unpleasantness of the hangover has now just merged with the general shittiness (cramps, bloating, headache, fatigue) of day 1. the good news is I’m gonna feel like crap for a couple days but then I will hopefully get that huge mood upswing + burst of creative energy by wednesday or thursday, which I am really gonna need to power through this week of writing. I’ve been making some good progress on the draft today between meetings which is exciting!! and I also finally took care of a tedious and time-consuming admin task that I’ve been putting off for weeks.

Bleed - Part 3 (G.D.)

Masterlist

Based off the song CHAMPION by ELINA

“Do you get high when I hit my lows? I hope you feel like you’re a champion when you break my heart once and for all.”

“Ethan, Ethan - please.” Grayson huffed into the phone, feeling absolutely awful for calling his brother at 3AM on the one night he wanted to spend with his girlfriend. He’d been sitting outside of Roxie’s room for the last two hours, listening carefully to her cries to make sure she was still breathing. Grayson didn’t know how badly he had hurt her. He wasn’t sure if her cries were more from his words or more from whatever was hurting her neck. He felt like shit.

“Grayson, you can go in and check on her.” Ethan sighed, pulling Maria into his side as she tried to go back to sleep. “Just… control your temper for the love of god.”

Grayson hung up without responding. He knew Ethan was right; Grayson had been in and out of therapy for the past few years for his anger issues. He was liable to pop off at any given moment and Roxie was usually his ideal target. It used to be Ethan, but when Roxie came into the picture with a fiery personality that would fight back - any chance he got, he was starting an argument. The arguments had gotten progressively worse the closer they got. He saw how much he hurt her when he yelled, when he called her names; Grayson could brush it off as a heat of the moment thing, but Roxie wasn’t always like that. 

Letting out a deep sigh, Grayson pushed her door open, a mumbled “shit” leaving his mouth as his eyes met hers. There was no chance in hell she was going to be able to sleep with everything that happened. “Um...is your neck okay?” 

“Hurts.” She mumbled, tucking her knees closely to her chest as Grayson sat down on the end of her bed. She hadn’t taken a single piece of her clothing off.

“Oxy, I’m so sorry.” He whispered, his index finger tracing soft circles over her ankle. “You know I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just got caught up.”

Roxie let out a breath and looked Grayson up and down, he always knew just what to say to her. She was so mad at him. He’d never put his hands on her like that and honestly, it had scared her pretty badly. At the same time, his finger mindlessly tracing patterns on her skin was the most comforting thing she’d felt all night. “This can’t keep happening.” Sniffling as she tried to sit up, a wince leaving her mouth made Grayson shoot up to help her prop up against the headboard. “I think I need to move out…”

“What?” He furrowed his brows together, breath leaving his chest at her words. “No, no - Rox -”

“Grayson, you just threw me so hard I hurt my neck.” Roxie’s voice was cracking again as tears welled up in her eyes, an action that made Graysons’ head spin. “Something has to change.”

“I’ll change, Oxy - please - I-” His chest was rising and falling as he held the lower half of her fishnet clad legs to his chest, his eyes wide as he searched her face for some sort of confirmation that she wasn’t going to leave. “I can’t lose you.”

“Grayson I-” She stopped her sentence as Grayson leaned over, his forehead pressing against her knees. She could tell he was teetering on the edge of a panic attack and it was making her mad. Did he really think he could treat her like this and she would just keep taking it? “We can’t keep fighting like this - either you stop these hookups or I move out.”

“I’ll stop.” He breathed, his head shooting up to stare at her. As much as he loved his casanova lifestyle, he wasn’t sure he could survive Roxie leaving for good. Maybe they just needed to fall out so Grayson could realize how much he needed her, at least that’s what he was telling himself. “Please, Rox -”

“Okay.” Her voice was soft as she watched Grayson’s face turn up into a smile, a sigh of relief leaving his chest as he leaned up and pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

“Let’s get you ready for bed, yeah?” His voice was gentle as he caressed the top of her head, a soft smile on his lips as he helped her get out of her stockings and bodysuit. Soon, her face was being wiped with a makeup wipe and her hair tied up in a sad attempt at a ponytail. Grayson was unphased by her naked body as he pulled one of his old t-shirts over her body. His large hand rubbing the back of her neck softly to soothe the soreness. “Feel better, sugar?”

“Mhm.” Roxie nodded, her heart melting at his small nickname for her. She was standing up, small hands holding onto his wrists as he helped her get into bed. “Stay with me?” 

Grayson couldn’t resist those big brown eyes and pouty lips and he certainly couldn’t say no after tonight. “Of course.” He nodded, quickly pulling his shirt over his head and kicking his sweatpants off before gently crawling in next to her. Roxie curled into his side like it was made for her - sometimes Grayson was convinced that maybe it really was.

-

When Ethan came home the next morning, he was honestly a bit scared of what he was walking into. Grayson had hung up on him so abruptly after only half-explaining what had happened. All he knew was that somehow Roxie had been hurt and Grayson was nervous to go into her room to check on her. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together. Roxie and Grayson were always teetering the line of taking it too far. Roxie usually pushing Grayson way too far with her words - knowing exactly what to say to piss him off and hurt his feelings. Grayson’s physical reactions terrified Ethan sometimes; if he ever witnessed him putting his hands on Roxie, he wouldn’t know what to do. He knew they got physical with each other, but he’d never been there to witness it. 

Ethan pushed the door to Grayson’s room open, brows furrowing together at his empty bed that didn’t even look like it had been slept in. Shortly after, Ethan was peeking into Roxie’s room - a loud sigh and eye roll ensuing as he saw them tangled up with each other. Roxie’s head was on Grayson’s chest, her dark hair practically blanketing his entire face. Her arms were tucked tightly around him - one wrapped behind his neck and the other around his stomach. Grayson was full on hugging the smaller girl to his body, arms squeezing her so tightly Ethan was surprised she could breathe. 

Quietly shutting the door, Ethan headed to the kitchen to cook himself some breakfast. He wasn’t sure what the hell had gone down last night, but he wasn’t all that surprised at what he walked in on. Over the last five or so years, Roxie and Grayson had been in some horrible fights - so bad that Grayson hopped on a flight to Jersey and was gone for two weeks. No matter what happened, the pair always found themselves wrapped back up in each other in no time. 

-

“Are you going to explain that phone call last night.. Or?” Ethan’s voice was barely above a whisper as he and Grayson stood in the doorway leading outside. Roxie was lying on the lounge chair by the pool with her eyes closed.

“Everything's good now.” Grayson shrugged, nudging his brother in the side as he headed back over to Roxie. “Don’t worry about it.”

Ethan was so annoyed - they had been all over each other all morning and he hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to his twin alone. This was pretty standard when things were good between Roxie and Grayson. Ethan wasn’t sure how they could move with how close they were. 

“What did Ethan want?” Roxie raised an eyebrow up at Grayson as he stood over her, blocking the sunlight. 

“Just making sure we were okay.” Taking a seat on the chair next to hers, he quickly changed the subject. “Can you even get that bathing suit wet?” Roxie was wearing a crocheted white bikini that was pretty much just a few strings sewn together. 

“Yes, stupid.” She giggled, looking over at him as he slid his hands behind his head. “Since when did you get chest hair?”

“Uh - since forever.” Feigning offense, he held a hand to his chest in surprise. “I’m a man.”

“Oh, I know.” With a small smirk on her lips, she turned over onto her stomach and shut her eyes again, feeling Grayson’s eyes raking over her nearly bare bottom.

-

Roxie and Grayson were back to their regularly scheduled programming. Each night was spent wrapped up in bed together, every meal was shared, every single second they were together. Honestly, Ethan was thriving right now. He was able to spend as much time with Maria as he wanted, only being interrupted for the few hours they needed to record their podcast. It had been almost two months since their last fallout and everyone around them was incredibly happy they were in an upswing on the rollercoaster. Although each night they spent in each other’s beds, they hadn’t been physical since that first night she was back in LA. 

As much as Grayson loved the attention from random girls, there was nothing that satisfied him the way just laying and laughing with Roxie did. To most people, it was probably confusing how the two of them only had sex when they were mad at each other - but that was just their relationship. No one really ever understood their relationship - sometimes they didn’t either. 

So when the three of them - Ethan, Grayson, and Roxie - were sitting at a beach side cafe in mid August and a tanned surfer approached them, no one knew what to do. It wasn’t uncommon for strangers to mistake Roxie as being the twins’ sister - they were all tan with dark hair and definitely interacted like they could be blood. 

“Feel free to tell me to fuck off, but I really just had to tell you how beautiful you are.” The guy’s cheeks were bright red as he watched Roxie glance around the table nervously and back to him with wide eyes.

“Oh - um - thank you.” She smiled shyly, reaching out her hand to the guy and pushing herself out of the booth to hopefully ease some of the tension in the air. “I’m Roxie.” There was no doubt Grayson’s eyes were piercing into the back of her head, but she was never one to be rude to people she didn’t know - especially if they were complimenting her.

“Hi.” He breathed, his cheeks still red, but cooling down a bit as he just focused on the beautiful girl before him. “Oh - um - my name is Tandyn.” 

Grayson felt like he was literally sitting on a fire. The rage that ran through his body when this kid had the audacity to come up and get Roxie’s attention was unfathomable. He knew letting her walk around with no cover up and just a see-through robe was a bad idea. The black lace bikini she wore was in perfect contrast with her slicked back ponytail and she looked perfect - she always did.

 Ethan was trying his best to distract Grayson with conversation so he wouldn’t jump out of this booth and tackle this kid to the ground. They both knew Roxie got attention from other guys, but Grayson had never been there to witness it and the fact that she positively responded was infuriating to him. 

“Can I maybe get your number?” Tandyn stumbled over his words as Roxie laughed softly and nodded, reaching her hand out for his phone as he smiled at her. He was blonde and tan and the complete opposite of Grayson. Honestly, she wasn’t really planning on texting him back, but she wanted to be nice.

“See ya, Tandyn.” Slipping the phone into his hand and waving, she uneasily sank back down in the booth next to Grayson who was practically radiating heat. 

“The fuck was that?” He snapped, eyes glaring into the side of her head.

“Calm down, I was just being nice.” She assured him, gently patting his knee and shooting him a sympathetic smile. Grayson wasn’t sure he believed her, but it was enough to get him to calm down at least a little bit. Surely, she had guys hitting on her all the time when he wasn’t around and she wasn’t gallivanting off with them.

“Really proud of you for not committing a murder.” Ethan laughed, head thrown back in amusement as Grayson reached over and smacked him on the side of the head. It was no secret how possessive Grayson was over Roxie, but she usually never gave him much of a reason to actually get jealous. It’s not like she couldn’t - Roxie could probably get anyone in LA just like Grayson could. She just never saw a reason to search for attention when she was getting as much as she needed from Grayson - at least she thought so.

-

Roxie really wasn’t intending on responding to Tandyn’s text, and she didn’t - at least at first. He had sent a simple “Hey, it’s Tandyn (:” and about three hours later he sent a “A swing and a miss.” She had thought it was pretty funny - the guys she usually went for would never have admitted that they were being rejected. So, she decided to respond. 

“Ok, but that was funny enough to get me to respond.” Tandyn responded pretty quickly, another action that wasn’t common for boys in LA. 

“Scooore - so am I allowed to ask what you’re up to?” 

Roxie didn’t respond immediately, setting her phone down on her bed as she went out into the kitchen to eat the food Ethan had ordered for them all. It was almost 8PM and the trio was exhausted from their day at the beach. 

“Where’s Gray?” She mumbled as she took a bite of the vegan pizza Ethan had slid in front of her.

“Think he’s asleep.” Ethan shrugged, sitting down next to her. “He was fucking knocked from the moment you went to shower.” 

Roxie just shrugged, a bit annoyed that he had fallen asleep without her. She wasn’t even that tired and was definitely banking on staying up watching stupid YouTube videos with Grayson. Now that was off the table and she didn’t have a clue how she was going to spend her night. After helping Ethan clean up, she wandered back to her room and plopped down on her bed. A small smile graced her face as she realized Tandyn had texted her again.

“I screwed it up again, damnnn”

“I was just eating some pizzaaaa” Roxie sent back quickly, rewarding him a bit for his persistence. 

“Is it overstepping if I ask for your address?”

“Hm… maybe a bit?” She raised an eyebrow down at her phone, a small laugh leaving her mouth as she saw a tandynsheffield had followed her on Instagram. Usually, she’d be a little annoyed that someone had found her social media, but after she clicked on his page she understood. He only had 200 followers, about ten posts of his dog and his family, and his bio simply sad “27, Malibu.” He definitely had no clue who she was or who she knew. She decided to say fuck it and responded with her address. 

“Not going to show up, but if you hear a knock don’t be alarmed” 

Not even thirty minutes later, there was a knock on the door that had Roxie jogging from her room to get to the door before either of the twins. As she opened it, Ethan popped his head around the corner with his eyebrow raised. Roxie smiled at the postmates driver who handed her a big bucket of ice cream and shut the door quickly. 

“Sorry, just had a craving.” She shrugged, ignoring Ethan’s questioning eyes as to why in the world Roxie had just ordered a gallon of ice cream when she barely ate anything bad for her. 

The gallon of vanilla ice cream had come with a big spoon and she plopped down on the bed with a big smile. 

“10/10 surprise”

“Thought you’d like it (:” Roxie smiled to herself at the small conversation, taking a big bite of ice cream and turning on some random YouTube video.

-

“I heard -” Grayson’s voice was the first thing she heard the next morning, along with the feeling of his lips grazing her jawline and his hand combing through her tangled hair. “Someone-” Another kiss to the cheek this time as Roxie fluttered her eyes open. “Ordered ice cream.” His face came into view and she couldn’t help but smile; his hair held back by a purple headband and she could tell he had just worked out. 

“Shh, don’t tell anyone.” Stretching her body out, her voice was hoarse and her hair was a mess, but Grayson thought she looked the prettiest first thing in the morning. 

“Since when do you eat sweets?” He huffed, sinking down onto her bed as she sat up and rested her head onto his shoulder. 

“No idea, I was just really craving it.” Roxie kissed his cheek before sliding out of bed and fumbling through her closet to figure out what to wear. She was only wearing a sports bra and a pair of Grayson’s boxers that had somehow become part of her wardrobe. 

“Hm, well - Ethan and I have WakeHeart meetings today.” He sighed as she started kicking off her pajamas and headed towards the bathroom. “I’ll be back around 5 - do you wanna grab dinner or something tonight?” 

“Sure!” She shouted from the bathroom, turning the shower on and shooting Grayson a smile as he popped his head into the room and shot her a wink. 

-

The next few weeks were standard Roxie and Grayson. The twins were exceptionally busy with work and Roxie had been left alone for most of the days. She had a few jobs here and there, but not nearly the kind of busy Ethan and Grayson were. With her boredom came her conversations with Tandyn getting longer and more serious. When Grayson would leave, she’d spend hours on the phone with Tandyn - he was just so different.

He owned a surf instructing company, owned a house, had a couple of horses - it was like he lived on a different planet. He asked so many questions, like learning about Roxie was the most important part of his day. When he learned she was only 20, he felt a bit bad - he didn’t want to come off as a creep. Roxie assured him that was not a problem at all. 

Grayson could tell Roxie was pulling away from him. She did this every time she started seeing someone new and Grayson subconsciously knew it was happening before she told him it actually was. She still slept next to him every night and spent as much time with him as she could, but he wasn’t sure if she was just being distant because he was gone so much. Their meeting was ending early today and he planned on surprising Roxie with her favorite Italian food. 

“Rox!” Grayson’s voice echoed through the empty house - Ethan had gone to spend the night with Maria. “Roxie?” His brow furrowed as he pushed the door to her room open and she wasn’t there. He tried to think about if she had told him if she had a job or was hanging out with friends, but he was pretty sure she didn’t. 

Honestly, he was kinda pissed - he had just driven across town to get this specific pasta for her and she wasn’t even here. He almost texted her, but decided against it, shoving her pasta into the fridge and sitting down at the table to eat his own. 

While Grayson was eating his pasta alone, Roxie was sitting on a beach in Malibu with a dog in her lap and Tandyn’s arm wrapped around her shoulder. He had picked her up around noon for a beach day and she really didn’t want to leave, but she knew she had to get back home before the twins did. Their meetings had been going til 9 or 10 PM so she had plenty of time. 

“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life, I swear.” Tandyn smiled down at her, his pure honesty making Roxie giggle shyly. 

“Why are you so nice to me?” She tilted her head, leaning up to press a kiss to the side of his mouth. They had kissed multiple times now and she was starting to feel kind of bad that she wasn’t public with him. 

“You deserve for someone to be nice to you.” He shrugged, kissing her again and running a hand down the side of her face. “I would do anything to make you smile, Roxie.” 

She leaned into his side, a soft smile on her face as she rubbed circles on her arm. God, she really liked this man. No guy had ever made her heart flutter like this - aside from Grayson. Every guy she’d ever dated was pretty much the definition of a dick, but Tandyn was actually a nice guy. Usually, when she introduced the fact that she was dating someone new to Grayson, there was a standard reaction. 

First, he acted like he didn’t care, then he shifted into giving her the cold shoulder and being pissed off. Eventually, Grayson would start to realize the new guy was a sack of shit and Roxie would never stay with him seriously. At that point, Grayson stopped caring and would do everything he could to wiggle his way into Roxie’s mind and get her to dump the guy - it had always worked. Roxie was nervous things wouldn’t go that way this time and she wasn't’ sure how Grayson would react once he realized Tandyn was actually a good guy.

This is my letter to @taylorswift and I hope she can see it. I’m disabled with a brittle bone disorder & epilepsy, I’ve been through so much and just her reading it would mean the world. I need all my Taylor Swift friends to help me get this out there! I made a Tumblr just to get this done and to join in on the fun! I'm sorry for all the run on sentences and grammatical errors you're about to read, I'm typing this quickly and from the heart. I'm really a much better writer than this will suggest. My name is Sean & I am a probably one of the biggest fans of Taylor and I pray that my letter comes across as genuine as I mean it. To start I'll tell you a bit about me, which number one thing is to know, I am severely disabled. I was born with something called Osteogenesis imperfecta or simply OI, OI is a brittle bone disease that is usually passed on genetically but can sometimes be spontaneous mutation and in my case, my biological father had it as well. I had my first fracture when I was two weeks old and to date have had well over 200 of them. All throughout growing up I was in and out of hospitals, three major surgeries to put titanium rods through a few bones, I was in a double blind drug study and was diagnosed with asthma, sleep apnea, scoliosis and more along the way. It was rough but to be honest, I became very used to the medical side of things, it was my personal life that wore me down. When I was a child I was bullied severely and it never has truly stopped. I was beaten up, threatened, picked on and since an early age, I developed depression, by the time I was 10 I had already attempted suicide. I had no real outlet for my pain, I couldn't go out and "play" so I sat, festering in the horrible thoughts my mind kept producing, it really was a scary time, looking back. Around the age of 12, I started getting into music. Unlike most of the people who view music as a fun past time, I saw it as an escape from reality where I could feel a sense of normalcy, to live in another world and then bring back some peace of mind to figure out the problems in my own life. In music I wasn't in a wheelchair, no one hated me, I could do anything. Music was and is one of the only things that make life worth living, driving me to be creative and actually allowing myself to get better hand-eye coordination, amongst other physical things.I remember as I got older listening to Taylor's first record, I really dove into headfirst - it came at a time where my personal life was crumbling even more, I had graduated high school, couldn't find work and was realizing that the bullying aspect of my childhood wasn't going away but merely adapting to the outside world in the form of pure bigotry. I played that album all of the time to escape when I discovered it I was actually, again, contemplating suicide, I started it up and immediately remembered what creativity could do. Since then I've been a die hard fan and I have found myself really surviving from the inspiration she gives me. She not only stands for what her music says, but also never shies away from defending all who need it. Now what I am about to say is what happened to me in the last two years, it was very scary and I'm lucky to be alive. In March of 2017, I suffered two grand mal seizures without any prior history of epilepsy. I went into complete respiratory and cardiac arrest, was transported to the hospital and awoke with no knowledge of who or where I was. The emergency room doctors didn’t believe it to be a seizure and twelve hours later, I had another that was stronger than the first. These seizures, mixed with my brittle bone disorder, caused four broken bones with two so severe I required emergency reconstructive surgery. The second seizure also put me into cardiac and respiratory arrest where I was without any brain activity for two minutes. I was on life support for two weeks and now after the surgery, I’ve lost most functionality in my left hand due to extensive nerve damage. I’ve already spent my life in a wheelchair and now most of what little I could do on my own has been stripped from me.  I spent six months in a reclining wheelchair unable to move, lost my job and apartment and sold off everything I have to try and pay off the tens of thousands in hospital bills. I had no insurance when it all began and when I was approved for Medicaid, they wouldn't cover all of the past costs, neither did they cover completely any of the new ones. I had nothing left of myself and depression had come back tenfold. I felt worthless and a drain on my family, no longer able to really do anything for myself. Now eventually I did regain some independence, getting back in my wheelchair and being mobile, but still unable to work, make a living or do half of what I used to. It seemed like things were finally on the upswing. February 5th, 2018, I went back into the hospital after having a petite gran mal seizure caused by influenza A. I was admitted with a severely high carbon dioxide level and was put on an oxygen mask. That night, at 2:04 A.M., I again went in complete cardiac and respiratory arrest. My family got pulled away and they were told I had no pulse, the nurse wasn't hopeful, and the doctors thought it finally was over. Miraculously I was revived after 4 minutes being lifeless on the hospital bed. I woke up two days later with a breathing tube down my throat like before, I had multiple bone fractures and was kept sedated and under heavy pain medication. Doctors worked hard to figure what if anything could bring me back to normal, not even knowing if I'd even be able to speak again. By another miracle, I came off the ventilator with full cognitive function, all that remained were the bone fractures and fear of more seizure activity. I now have thousands in debt and can't work, I'm trying every day to make it better and I can say without her work she does to keep me inspired, I would not be here anymore. I'm living off of my GoFundMe which is here bit.ly/seanshealth . I can no longer really play guitar, which I did for ten years...with the extensive nerve damage, the layout of the neck for me just doesn't work. I create in any way possible because it's so important to me, it's something people don't understand is so important to me, but it really is. That's why I wanted to reach out to you and thank you. Taylor, for the work she does. The world can be beyond cruel, so many people don't care at all for the wellbeing of others and finding your place in the mess is a challenge, she gives me that focus and inspiration to be okay no matter what. I would not be alive without her work and that's a fact. Most people would find that pathetic but inspiration is an inspiration. Due to the epilepsy diagnosis, I know I can never live out my dream of seeing her live, the lights are no longer anything that I can handle. On top of that because I can't work and my massive debts, I don't own any of her music/items as I can't afford them, nor do I think I'll ever be able to live out my biggest dream of meeting Taylor. It's a sad truth that I've had to come to terms with but I thought passing along this letter may be my one shot to get my message across and maybe make some friends in the process. I suppose all in all I am just saying thank you to her for everything, for making me believe in myself, for making the world a better place with her work. I know firsthand of the darkness this world can cast but it's how we react and how we treat others that can define us. I know so many people share my sentiments and I hopefully speak for everyone when I say thank you to her for saving lives, for being who she is and I hope to realize my only dream one day of shaking her hand but most importantly, just knowing she may have heard my story is great enough... I hope everyone knows the impact everything you do can have on one person. I will continue to fight on.

Trade Up

Fandom: MCU Captain America/Avengers

Summary: You always thought meeting your soulmate would be a humdrum affair, but he does what he does best and saves you.

Quick facts: Romance – Sam Wilson/Reader – Nondescript Reader

Warnings: Fluff, soulmate fic where your soulmates words are on your skin, jumps POV momentarily from Reader-focused perspective to a wider perspective ((marked like so)), they/them pronouns for Reader

Words: 1667

A/N: This story is interesting in that I wrote it and lost it and found it and lost it again and I just found it again so I typed it up real fast so at least I don’t have to tear my belongings apart just to know where it went. I like this one; it is pretty by-the-numbers but sometimes you just wanna grab a glass of Sam-Wilson-saving-you-from-a-terrible-date and sink into a warm bath of and-they-were-soulmates. Cheers.

     You think the people who say they’ll never date again are incredibly valid. After tonight, you might become one of them.

“I know you won’t understand, but I’ll try to simply it for you…”

You understand that, with soulmates and all, some people find dating to be a waste of time. You don’t expect those people to be on a website for ‘frivolous’ dating. And yet here you are, with a man who had seemed nice in emails and a brief phone conversation, but who currently cannot seem to care less about making even a decent impression.

God; you’re pretty sure someone at the table to your left is live-tweeting this, from how they’re snickering over their phone with their friends, and looking at you and your date every now and then. They’re not the only table stealing glances, but they are the most blatant about it. It’s telling that you’re pretty sure that you’re pretty sure that’s Captain America sitting a couple of tables away and yet no one is talking about him or his group of equally attractive friends. Even they are focused on you, especially the really cute guy on his left, which just figures, doesn’t it.

Your date is still talking and you trace the condensation on your glass of mostly-untouched water. You’ve moved past the stage of embarrassment where you want to crawl under the table and die. You’ve tried your excuses, they’ve all failed, and you’ve accepted this is your life for the evening and you’re just waiting for it to end. Hopefully without much more notice.

  ((Meanwhile…))

  “I've never heard someone talk that much,” Natasha mutters under her breath. “And I’ve sat with Tony while he was on the verge of a panic attack.”

Sam frowns and Steve’s jaw clenches even tighter. Bucky and Sharon trade long-suffering looks. “Stop it,” Bucky says when Steve’s arm tenses.

“That guy’s a dick,” Steve says, not taking his eyes from you. “I’ve gotta do something.”

“And embarrass them more by causing a scene?” Sharon says.

“You're not a skinny little nobody anymore,” Natasha adds. “You go over there and it’s going to be a story. Worse, it might make that asshole sympathetic. Does it look like that poor person wants that sort of attention?”

Sam watches as you hunch under the attention already given and look longingly at the black screen of your phone. “I’m with Steve on this one,” Sam says.

Bucky rolls his eyes and takes a drink. “Of course you are; you’re just like him.”

“Look,” Natasha says. “If he gets up again I’ll go ask if they want help. Until then, you two sit your asses down. Am I clear?”

Sam and Steve both frown deeply but they nod. Natasha sits back and watches them shrewdly. Sharon nods at Bucky. “At least self-preservation seems to have kicked in.”

“For now,” Bucky says, mirroring Natasha almost exactly.

Sharon hides a smile in her glass, but a look meant to evaluate ‘the situation’ is caught by Natasha, who gives her a sharp glare as well.

“Three of them,” Bucky mutters in Russian.

“God help us,” Natasha says and downs her drink.

  ((Back at the table…))

  “Everybody’s too damn focused on soulmates these days.”

You think he’s about to go off on another rant that will inevitably turn offensive, but he’s actually quiet. You’re so startled by the prospect of actual engagement that you trip over your tongue. “Not– not any more than they have been, I think. In fact–”

“I’m seeing a lot less people on the dating scene these days,” he says. “And so many people are all–” he goes into a mocking falsetto, “‘I’m waiting for my other piece.’ Ugh.” He takes a drink. “Or ‘pieces’ depending on whether they got the ‘harlot’s mark,’ you know?”

You haven’t heard that term from anyone other than really old bigots and you actually flinch. “That’s a gross–”

“I mean, it’s like nobody knows how to have fun anymore,” he says. “The whole point of having a soulmate is that someone’s always going to take you no matter what. Why doesn’t everyone do that?”

From ‘harlot’s mark’ to ‘why doesn’t everyone fuck around.’ You wish you could be surprised by this shift in attitude, but he’s spent almost the whole date justifying why he’s fine and the rest of the world is wrong. Still, you have a bad feeling as to why he’s bringing this up. “Um…not everyone is cool with it, I guess,” you say cautiously.

“Doesn’t matter.” He knocks back his drink and flags for yet another. “If they’re your soulmate they’re stuck with you. That’s fate.”

That’s not true and as sorry as you feel for his soulmate, you hope he learns that lesson the hard way (if only for their sake). But then he smirks at you. “It’s good that some of us do know how to have fun.”

The way he says that last part makes your skin crawl. “A different kind of ‘fun’ I guess,” you say, trying to sound as bored as you can. Rude, sexist, racist, so many types of phobic, obnoxious to everyone around him without even trying, and now creepy– if you had a bad date bingo card you’d have a blackout right now.

Earlier he had tried to skip out on the bill by excusing himself to the bathroom, but your waitress and the host had blocked the front and loudly instructed him as to where the restrooms were. Now you wish they’d had your back a little less. You’d take the hit to your wallet if it meant you could crawl home. But now if you get the bill would that be sending the wrong signal; would he take that for an invitation? Not that you care, you just don’t want to deal with it right now.

He keeps drinking, and you keep rebuffing his attempts to get you to do the same. You’re not sure what you’re going to do with him as he gets drunker and drunker, but it has the unintended benefit of shutting him up, which means all the onlookers slowly get bored and stop paying such close attention to your disaster date. Even the people recording this for posterity stop, and after a little while you can breathe again.

Until, when you’re reaching for a napkin, he suddenly grabs your wrist and grips. You try to yank it back, but he’s got a surprisingly strong hold. “Hey,” he says. “I think I’m just about ready.”

“Ready for what?” You wince. “Please let go; it hurts.”

“Sorry,” he says but he barely loosens a centimeter. “You take care of the bill, and I’ll take you to my place. It’ll be great.”

The one problem with no longer being the center of surreptitious attention is that it’s hard to find help that you can discreetly ask for. You’re about to damn all dignity and raise your voice to demand he let go, when someone bumps into your table hard enough to topple the glasses. You barely catch your water, but your date’s half-full drink goes right into his lap. He hisses and lets go of you to mop it up.

You look up at your savior, who even under normal conditions is probably one of the most beautiful men you’ve ever seen. Right now, the lights give him a very appropriate halo and your angel smiles at you. How fitting for a man who uses wings to save people.

“I’m really sorry to interrupt, but have we met before? You look awfully familiar.”

Your heart stutters. Your words. It could be a coincidence. It could be, but it might not be. “I– I don’t think so; I’m a hundred percent sure I’d remember a face like yours.”

His eyes go wide and his mouth drops open and shit, you’re actually thankful for that asshole now. “Those are my– did I say–”

You scramble up and pull up your sleeve to show him your words. His words. He gently touches the skin and the way he smiles at you–

“Do you know this asshole?” your ‘date’ gripes.

“I do now,” you say, not looking away from the man. “He’s my soulmate.”

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“Nope,” your soulmate says and, appropriately, doesn’t give the douchebag a single glance.

“Fuck it; this was a shit date anyway,” he says and stumbles out. He doesn’t leave anything for his half, of course, but you don’t even care anymore; he’s gone and you’re standing in front of your soulmate, who looks as happy as you feel.

He extends his hand to shake yours. “Sam Wilson.”

You introduce yourself and he repeats your name like he already loves it. “I know you’ve had a hell of a night, but uh, do you wanna go get some coffee or something?” he says.

“Your friends won’t mind?” you ask. Just to be polite, if you’re being honest; you’re ready to yank him out the door and never look back.

“No way,” he says. “Besides, I see those jerks all the time.”

“Okay. Okay.” You can’t stop smiling. Talk about an upswing. “Let me just pay the bill and–”

A wad of cash lands on the table. “The gentleman was kind enough to leave enough cash to cover the bill and a generous tip,” a woman with red hair and even redder lipstick says as she sidles past. “We’ll see you later, Sam.”

“Thanks Nat,” he says and they trade a small hug. As Sam helps you with your jacket he tells you, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” He straightens out the lapel. “We weren't sure if we’d make it better or worse. If it’s any consolation, Steve wanted to throttle the guy.”

“Well, as much as I appreciate the thought–” you hold your hand out, “–I’m glad it was you.”

Sam grins and slips his hand into yours, and you lead him out into the best night of your life.

I’m still around and trying to be more active! :D in case the sudden influx of ld reblogs hasnt keyed you in LOLOL its that ADHD all or nothin hittin me hard lately aahahaa!

I feel like this is a yearly pattern for me but the good news is that we’re back on the upswing finally! Like I tend to stop writing/posting as much usually around my birthday/spring in march, and then i kind of disappear for summer months but once the weather cools im back O_O and its repeated that way again so i think this is like a thing i do >_> idk ahahah

ANYWAYS last night was actually cooling off and I very very very much miss writing rhack and all the other trash that sustains me, I’ve got a jackothy fic I’m trying to finish (was supposed to be done two weeks ago xD i might just skip the major smut >_>) and then i’m also finishg up other projects at the moment so hopefully that should rocket-propel my ass back into the writing groove haha :D especially seeing all the old artwork ive been rebogging lately :)

Anyways just wanted to check in :) I’m still trying to be as safe as I can with the  virus, I’m very VERY happy in my new line of work, me and my sister are planning to move out together next year (lord willing we can afford it) and anyways im surviving over here. Super grateful my work and managers all take this shit seriously (more seriously than my own household >:| i oftentimes dont want to leave work to go home so that should tell you something :/) BUT ANYWHO i am still here, attempting to be more active :)

If anyone has any rhack shit to promote or whatnot you ca always drop me a line :) This blog still gets new followers and the fandom is NOT dead, we’re just in the middle of a hellscape pandemic in the worst fucking country rn so...ugh

anyways ilu all be the best rhack trash you can be aahahahha xD

Life Update of 2020 (Don’t Worry.  Just the Good-Good)

It’s been a while since we last spoke, huh, Tumblr?  I don’t pay you nearly as much attention as what I should, but I’m scattered all over cyberspace.  I show up in the most unexpected places.  But what the alternate title of this is:

Lumi’s Post of Shameless Self Promotion (Because What Else is a Blog Good For?)

So, what have I been up to, you may be asking yourself?  Or maybe you’re not asking that question and you’re telling me to fuck off.  Well, if that’s the case, then fuck you, too.  So, hail Satan and have a lovely afternoon madam.

But if you are curious, here we are.  Let’s do this in sections.  That way, if you could give two shits less about something else I do, then, you can skip to the good bits, yeah? Or whatever it is you follow me for, K? Let’s get into it then.

1.)  Fan Fiction:

So, in my last master post update, I hadn’t started posting Castlevania yet.  It just recently came to an end last week, so...Brief synopsis and link in three...two...one!

Last of the Belmonts

Eden had lost her mother. The only family she thought she'd ever have. Her father couldn't be farther at the bottom of the barrel in her eyes. Her mother would be the only one who would accept her dhampir nature. That is until she finally starts to explore the other half of her blood, her vampiric half, courtesy of a certain girl gang of full-blooded vampires. However, despite that, she's still half human. Which half will rule her head and her heart?

Just a heads up.  If you do read Last of the Belmonts (which I highly recommend.  I loved this story so much and I’m so sad to see it go.), there are slight mentions of rape, but they’re far and few in between.  Eden, the MC, is a dhampir.  And for those who don’t know, dhampirs are a human/vampire hybrid.  She wasn’t one of the lucky ones who came into this world by consensual means.  Most of them aren’t.  But before you ask, NO.  SHE IS NOT DRACULA’S DAUGHTER.  We find out just who she is throughout the story.  But it’s got a little bit of everything in it.  It’s got Trevor and Alucard sassing each other.  It’s got Sypha trying to mediate between them.  It’s got a MC that’s got a chip on her shoulder.  I like to call it an alternative season three.  Like, the story opens up in Braila after Carmilla’s raid, so...I’m not going to give too much for spoilers here.  Just...Read the damn thing if you’re that curious.  And I’ve been getting asked about a sequel, but I’m not quite sold on it yet.  

But Castlevania isn’t the only fandom I’ve dipped my toe in as far as fic goes.  Because...It’s been three years since I last wrote for Death Note and I got a friendly reminder of how big of Death Note trash I was when I fell down a fanart rabbit hole one night and thought, I need to jump back into writing Death Note fic.  It’s that kind of a year.  What the hell?  Why not?  And because I was feeling particularly thirsty, I decided I’d write my first Lawlight fic.  Which...Again, same as I did for Last of the Belmonts, synopsis and link!  BAM!

The Sweet Taste of Silver

Email after email...It only made Light sicker to look at them. Final notice. Past due. Expulsion threats. He knew going to one of the best schools in the country would be pricey, but that's what his scholarships were for, right? At least until they start running out. At least he'll have his internship...And his new employer.

Yeah.  It’s what you think.  It’s a sugar baby AU.  We all know Light’s a sugar baby waiting to happen and it’s an underappreciated AU on Ao3, so I figured I’d add to the rich tapestry it is.  But this is still ongoing.  It gets updates every Tuesday.  This story has been my new lightning in a bottle.  It’s gotten a lot of traction on Ao3 and you are definitely more than welcome to it.  I never thought I’d get so into writing angsty gays like I did with L and Light, but holy hell.  It’s so much fun...Why did no one tell me this would be fun?  I don’t know why I needed a sugar baby Death Note fic, but dammit, here we are.

Amongst all that mess, I’ve posted a SHIT TON of Mystic Messenger oneshots (even got my first commission because of those oneshots!).  They’re all on Ao3.  There’s probably 11 or 12 of them, so I’m not going to post the whole list here.  Just go to my Ao3 account.  You’ll see them there.  But since we’re on the subject of MysMes fics I’ve written over the years, I started doing a rewrite of Man’s Best Intern, too!  I mean, the story premise is still the same, but it’s had some tweaks here and there.  And that’s damn near catching up to the Sweet Taste of Silver.  My babies are all growing up so fast.  I’m so proud of them...But the Man’s Best Intern rewrite is going up on Ao3 every Wednesday and Friday.

And the last fic I’m going to throw out here is For the Family.  Now, for those of you who remember, last year, I posted a story called Switch about a little girl that grew up in New York mafia falling in love with a sweet, yet salty yakuza boy and getting tangled up with the Ouran Host Club.  Well, it got a sequel.  Again.  Link and synopsis, ho!

For the Family

One year. That's all it took for Rei's heart to find home in another city. But it wasn't necessarily the city that captured her heart. it was the cute yakuza boy that bumped into her in the hallway. And thought she was a dude. Anyone else would've been afraid of someone with that kind of power...but not everyone had that same power. Now that another summer has passed, Rei and Ritsu were ready to go back to Ouran to take on their mutual frenemies: The Ouran Host Club

I couldn’t stay away from them for long.  They were too cute.  I loved Rei and Ritsu’s dynamic and they’ve only gotten worse.  At the time I’m posting this, For the Family is ongoing, too.  It goes up on Thursdays and I love this one so much.  It’s been a roller coaster already and it hasn’t even gotten to the middle bit yet.  This coming week’s chapter may or may not be a shit show.

I know I said that I’d be done with my fan fiction bullshit after my pitch of For the Family, but I also kind of have something cooking up.  I’ve been working on a project that’s been completely handwritten for Hetalia that includes both the 1p! and 2p! characters, centered around an OC.  I’ve been debating on whether or not to post that one online.  Because it’s been mostly me writing it for me to unwind at night.  It’s what I’ve spent my last half hour of my day working on and it’s put me in such a good place.  Which is weird because the MC spends a lot of time with 2p!France and he’s kind of an asshole. I don’t know.  I’ll think about it.

2.)  New Schedule Changes?  Instagram?  Whaaaat?

I know.  That sounds like it still pertains to my fan fiction here.  It does not!  On my Instagram for the last few weeks, I’ve been doing livestreams on Friday nights.  It’s mostly just me sitting down and bullshitting with a camera, but it’s been some great fun!  For the first one, I made curry.  For the second one, I was working on a bullet journal spread.  They’re all just very chill livestreams with a little hint of chaotic.  My last post before this one?  That was from last week’s stream when we were talking about different CMV projects I’d love to make, but I don’t have the bodies to make them.  As mellow as they are, they’re also a lot of fun.  So, if you’re looking for something to do with your Friday night and feel like hanging out with me, come hang out with me.  My IG handle is LumiOlivier.  You’re more than welcome to come sit and hang out.  If my streams keep going they way they’ve been, maybe I’ll start doing more with them.  Maybe I’ll bring them to YouTube.  Maybe I’ll do something silly like do them more than once a week.  

But that’s pretty much it.  I’ve been, like most of you, shut up in my house for the last six months as much as possible.  This year might be shit, but there’s been some pretty neat shit happening.  And hopefully, it’ll be more of an upswing for the rest of it.  So, I’m going to go because I have a chapter I need to do for Wednesday tonight and an outline to do.  K, love you, bye! 

When you’re mentally ill, you spend a million hours in doctor’s offices trying to justify yourself and you’re feelings.

I’ve explained and reexplained my concerns of gaps in my memory. Nothing major. Just small things that I definitely should not be missing that’re honestly more annoying than outright concerning. I’ve explained and reexplained my inability to pay attention to almost anything or to retain anything new. All are grouped in with a myriad of issues that I attribute purely to having lived in such deep depression for so long.

None of this impacts my daily life necessarily. It’s just more so incredibly frustrating and tiring.

My psych and I discussed adding a new med to my daily cocktail. She read through my long list of past meds that didn’t work for me. I had honestly forgotten how many there were. Now I’m on yet another new medication.

Hopefully this will continue the upswing in my brain. I’ve been taking my current ones consistently enough that the pharmacy knows who I am in line and has my order up to the front before I’ve reached the counter. Which, I can’t tell if that’s good or creepy. We’ll say good.

I’m thankful that my current therapist and psych have been willing to listen. Which is literally all I’ve been looking for in a medical professional: a willingness to listen and understand. Like, Christ, all I want is a clear head. Shouldn’t be that outlandish of a request.

My medicine cabinet is full of trial and error meds. Now I’m confident that I’ve found the mix that works for me. I had to learn to advocate for myself because I realized that if I don’t stand up for myself, my issues go unheard.

Sometimes it’s up to us to take our medical well-being into our own hands.

If you’re in the same boat of not being taken seriously, not being heard or understood. Talk louder. Your feelings, emotions, and physical well-being are valid. They deserve to be noticed. You deserve to be noticed.

Keep pushing. Find a second opinion or third or fourth. Scream at the top of your lungs until you are heard.

It’s not easy. Maybe you’ve been screaming loudly for so long that your voice is waning. But please, find the breath to keep shouting. It’ll be worth it.

Updates

Friends!:

I’m never gonna save money haha. My friend just came to visit for the weekend and we had a lotta fun. Spent some time in Orlando and she got to meet M. She liked him :) she never likes who I date (cause I date shit men). So, I’m happy she likes him. Hopefully it means I’m not making a dumb decision again. Another friend is coming to visit in about two weeks. I’m gonna have us explore Tampa because I’ve never really been. So if any Tampa area people are reading this, recommend me things to do in areas I won’t get shot 🙃

Living situation:

I am staying put at my parents until June 😪 it’ll allow me to save for my New Jersey trip and keep saving for apartment things. I’m not super thrilled, but it’s probably for the best. I’m hoping to not extend this, but we will see. I’ll be starting grad school and need to figure out what’s the best plan of action. My parents are fine with me staying with them through grad school (about 2 more years). It hurts my pride and makes me feel like a child, but I think this is just me being hard on myself. As I’ve said before, I’ve been spending my weekends at M’s, so I’m really only home a few hours a week after work. I can survive I suppose.

Volunteer/ministry:

The lady I spoke to the other day got the days mixed up. So, I won’t be doing any therapy with the homeless program. It’s probably for the best tho. My views are very different from those than run this program. One of the main reasons I’ve been wanting to get involved is to spark some change. It’s very close minded and that needs to change because I feel like they do a lot of harm and are ignorant to it. Yes, there is a lot of good being done, but...they need someone more progressive and open minded there. Every time I try, it doesn’t work out. I don’t know if that’s God telling me it’s not the place I need to be? But for now, it’s back to not working out.

Relationship:

M is coming to thanksgiving to meet my parents. Thanksgiving is just me and my parents, possibly my friend from the homeless program. So it’s low key, I’m not throwing him into some huge family event 😂 I’m so nervous though. I’m hoping I’m not coming across as ignorant, and I’ve talked with M about this a little, my parents...I love them so much, but I just don’t agree with some of their views. Mainly, their view on homosexuality/gender identity. My mom is spot on 100% with anyone she’s met. She always knows the most random things and I don’t understand how. I’m afraid she is going to ask me if M is trans and I’m not sure how I would respond if she did. I know my parents would not approve of my relationship if they knew M wasn’t born cis-male. I also don’t want to hide it from them because that’s still part of his past. M has said he doesn’t care if I tell them or not. But there’s definitely a difference between not feeling a need to tell them because it’s not a defining factor of who he is verses hiding it because my parents wouldn’t support us.

I wasn’t planning on having them meet so soon, but M is off for the holiday and his family is out of the county and I didn’t want him to be alone. My mom has been pushing to meet him. I know my parents will love him, so I’m hoping they are able to get to know him before eventually being told about his past.

Aside from that, things are going pretty strong. It’s still a very new relationship and we are probably moving a little too fast emotionally, but we are both okay with it. I think we are being realistic and we communicate really well about expectations and challenges.

Emotionally:

I am still all over the place. I am much better than last week. I haven’t self harmed or abused alcohol. I haven’t had the energy still to cook or exercise , but I’m on the upswing again. This week I plan on being more active.

🤷🏻‍♀️ the end