Intern: Sir, I’m sorry that this has taken so long, but I finally have all the research you wanted in regards to the traits the fans find sexy about their romance interests in Baldur’s Gate 3…
Gaming magazine executive: Oh, excellent! Not to worry, I assume it will all line up as expected. The Karlach fans love her bursting friendliness and positivity, her strength, her passion for life and her gorgeous smile, yes?
Intern: That’s correct, sir.
Gaming magazine executive: The Halsin fans love that he’s a gentle giant who cares greatly about children, that he likes to whittle adorable ducks as a hobby, and that he’s a consent king who will be a passionate lover for his partner, right?
Intern: All spot-on sir.
Gaming magazine executive: *smirking* This is too easy. Ok, on to Gale! The Gale fans love that he’s got a smoking hot six pack, that he offers wild illusions of astral sex, AND, at the end of the game, that he’s able to redeem himself and become Mystra’s chosen again, OR, become a god and ascend his partner to godhood with him, correct?
Intern: No.
Gaming magazine executive: Now, as for—what?
Intern: That’s not what the Gale fans find sexy, sir.
Gaming magazine executive: …oh. Okay. What do they like, then?
Intern: They, ah…they like that he…info dumps. They like when he starts talking passionately and goes off on a tangent with his finger in the air.
Gaming magazine executive: …no, they don’t. That’s—that’s not sexy.
Intern: They really think it is, sir. Please don’t make me tell you how I know that.
Gaming magazine executive: O-kay…but they like that he has a redemption arc and redeems himself in Mystra’s eyes, right?
Intern: Sir, if I were to repeat the things they want to do to Mystra I would be thrown in jail.
Gaming magazine executive: I—do they even know that he says pish-posh in the game? Twice?
Intern: They love that, sir. They wish he said it more.
Gaming magazine executive: You’re lying.
Intern: I’m really not, sir.
Gaming magazine executive: Alright, fine, but…do they know about his bad knees? They must hate how he complains about his bad knees? NOBODY would find that sexy.
Intern: *a pained expression on his face, rubbing at the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes* Sir, you’re not going to believe this—
———
789 notes
·
View notes