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oleanderblume · 5 years

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Okay more spinel

Because her character is cool and I like her.

So let's get on with this.

I know a shut ton of people heavily relate to spinel because she has an ostensibly relatable backstory, but also because she represents BPD to a rather miraculous extent. And I am in the mood to explain WHY.

So, when a lot and I mean majority neurotypical folks hear of BPD they think "this person is abusive and dangerous" obviously that's not always the case, the ironic contrast I have been seeing is that despite spinel's character typing, people are falling head over heals for her while at the same time; if faced with someone who actually does have BPD they would probably feel threatened by them. More on that later.

Anyways, how does BPD work? Why is spinel a decent example for someone with bpd?

Bpd or borderline personality disorder is a trauma based disorder characterized by extreme paranoia, fear of abandonment, social withdrawal or lashing out, excessive emotional eruption (feeling everything very loudly and all at once, but only short periods of time), general lack of identity and purpose, and spiraling among other things.

Because borderline personality stems from trauma and abuse, usually neglect of some sort, the person who has it has an innate urge to please others, a desire to be seen and heard and cared for heavily contradicted by their unstable fear and paranoia surround the people they most care for, that contradiction is what causes emotional outbursts and spiraling.

So, let's apply this to spinel in a way that's understandable aside from just pointing out the similarities in the disorder and her characterization.

Spinel has a history of prolonged abuse, despite gems living for thousands upon thousands of years, spinel is relatively young in comparison to her primary abuser, pink diamond. (Because spinel was made for pink and thus existed after pink)

Pink diamond is also her primary source of companionship. To put it into time relevance, pink is like a twelve year old, and spinel is like a 6 year old.

Spinel's only goal is to entertain and be a friend to pink, but she relies heavily on pink to be consistent in her approval of what spinel does as entertainment (truthful) and she relies on pinks companionship for the relationship to function as it's supposed to. She gives entertainment and companionship in return for approval and companionship.

The balance became off kilter due to pink wanting other than that companionship, a colony, and lack of proper communication leading to her manipulating spinel into playing a game she could not win.

Pink didnt communicate her disapproval of spinel's behavior, which in turn exasperated her own enjoyment with spinel, leading to that manipulation.

This lack of communication spurs the desire for approval in spinel's character, she wants to be good and a friend, was lead to believe she was, when in reality she wasn't, in her eyes. The realization of this began to dawn on her after pink left, but likely before Steven's message ie:

"Is this how it goes, am I doing it right?"

Spinel spent 6000 years in the garden waiting for pink to come back, under the impression that if she continued to play the game, correctly, that she would eventually return. Hence, her desire to be seen as a good friend who obeys and entertains above all else.

This is why she displays a deep desire to be a good gem be good at her job, and why she feels that she inherently isn't.

After she receives Steven's message, she is forced into the realization that the game didnt matter, pink wasnt ever going to come back, from her perspective, pink didnt care for her or want to be her friend, which causes spinel to feel like she is a bad gem, that she doesnt do her job, that she isnt good enough.

Spinel has received only the information from the broadcast (I am including the book reading in this because it sets up the broadcast scene and white diamond speaks to the screen directly after) she knows very little about the rebellion, or the war, only that pink made new friends, had a son and didnt come back for her withing the numerous perceived opportunities she could have. This aspect is important, as if the broadcast told the whole truth, spinel likely would have understood a bit more of the gravity of the events that had taken place.

After spinel learns of pinks new friends and Steven's existence, this is when her severe neglect and abandonment as well as a loss of identity kick in, she is filled with rage, despair and self loathing.

Spinel has lost her identity, her purpose, because she feels she isnt good enough for what she was made to do, despite being a perfect cut, she is nothing, all she will ever be is nothing, nothing to pink, nothing to anyone, nothing to herself.

After having no companionship and no means of safe emotional outlet, spinel is effectively blindsided by the sudden and impactful amount of pain and hate she is feeling. She has no way of confronting this emotion, and she doesnt know how to confront it so she does the next best thing, vent it out on people who were closest to pink, her best friends.

Essentially spinel cant focus her rage on pink diamond because she is gone, so instead she will focus it on the people who, to her, took pink away from her.

Now, given spinel's self deprecating nature, she likely had no real plan afterward, more than likely, she fully intended to be poofed, rejuvenated or shattered. After all, she is nothing to pink, and she is even less to Steven, she doesnt deserve to exist.

From observation, the speed at which she arrived on earth from after she heard the broadcast, she was likely having a severe mental breakdown and spiral, which can be incredibly hard to get out of when one has low self esteem and no proper means of emotional release.

A spiral is when a person (or in this case a character) becomes self deprecating and an increasingly more volatile rate, they are incredibly hard to get out of because the mental illness doesnt allow positive thought, the person will feel bad for their actions or feel bad about trauma or failures and will continually throw insults at themselves or those around them for trying to convince them differently.

Spinel spirals twice in the movie, the most excellent example is her paranoia of being abandoned leading to irrational thought and self depreciative spiraling and lashing out as a means of emotional protection.

I'm not really going to speak on the middle of the movie because it essentially rehashes that emotional trauma and neglect I mentioned earlier, the only difference is that is is comparable to a person with BPD who has effectively repressed those traumatic memories and is slowly reliving them, which subsequently causes a major relapse.

What I will say however, is that some other common symptoms appear in spinel like they do with folks with BPD. Spinel has an fp. A favorite person basically.

Folks with BPD often pick a companion of theirs and become extremely attached to them, they care incredibly deeply for them, and can also feel incredibly betrayed by them when they dont act in ways that the person is comfortable ie; displaying traits that can, to the person with BPD lead to abandonment.

Folks with BPD also tend to tailor their personalities for their companions in order to receive that approval they desire most.

Spinel displays this fairly effectively when she lashes out at Steven when he tells her to stay with the new crystal gems, she also displays the tailor trait when she mimics amethysts actions during the nobody else duet.

Finally, when spinel reverts back to her dark form, she displays the other symptoms of BPD, hesitance to trust, then blind trust and desire to please, her paranoia over Steven leaving her, and the subsequent spiral leading her to lash out in effort to protect herself from more emotional trauma and eventually dropping out of her spiral and then the final, trying to leave before abandonment can happen.

This is a fairly important one, as a lot of folks with BPD tend to feel that abandonment is an eventuality, and another form of protection from that is purposely distancing oneself and leaving before that abandonment can take place.

Spinel, after her second spiral is still very much traumatized, and still very much self destructive, has low self esteem, despite wanting to be better, so to spare herself the pain of facing people she has actively harmed in her worst moments, and to spare herself from what she believes is an eventual abandonment, she desires to leave and start over.

Do I think this is healthy? Mmm..no. mostly because I know that folks with BPD have an incredibly hard time breaking paranoia, low self esteem and self destructive behavior. I definitely dont think that spinel should have left with the diamonds because they have no idea what she is capable of and what she has been through, or how to deal with her self destructive behavior in a healthy way. They arent even able to completely overcome their own abusive behavior so..no, I dont think it was a good decision to have her go with them. But that doesnt really matter right now lol.

What matters is; spinel is a good example of what it is like to have BPD, she is a good example of the low self esteem and self destructive behaviour people with BPD have. She is a good example because she isn't seen as a completely lost cause by Steven and the others, despite what she herself believes. She has an acurate portrayal of the trauma that develops bpd, the symptoms of BPD in an easily digestible way and she isnt portrayed to have these issues completely resolved by the end of the film.

She very VERY quickly jumps into another relationship that can very easily be destroyed by either the diamonds or herself, and still struggles with low self esteem and the desire to be approved of by Steven, and the diamonds.

She isnt fixed by the end. But she doesnt get treated as a terrible person either.

Most people who talk about BPD who dont have it themselves very often say that they are inherently abusive, and overlook that persons trauma. That doesnt happen for spinel, Steven sympathizes with her trauma, despite largely being sidetracked and not fully indulged in helping her for her sake, rather than helping his own needs.

It's understandable and infuriating at the same time. Because the type of person spinel is, requires a different approach and a far more delicate one at that, something Steven hasn't had the same quite of experience with yet. Which is what largely caused her to spiral the second time. And it wasnt until Steven realized how selfish he had been that he was able to even make a proper and not misleading connection with spinel.

So there you have it, my analysis of spinel, why she portrayed BPD very very well, and how bod is a largely misunderstood and stigmatized disorder.

#spinel #bpd #steven universe the movie

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cookehenry90 · 4 years

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Reiki Music Prodigious Ideas

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What Is The Violet Breath In Reiki

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Reiki Symbol Dai Ko Myo

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#Reiki Music Prodigious Ideas #Can I Get Reiki Certified Online

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elsa12tmnt · 7 years

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Undertale Ship Month - Frans

AU where Sans remembers other timelines. Sorry that this is so short.

Sacrifice for the Cause (Frans Oneshot)

Sans considered himself an abnormal monster. Well, truly, it was in one respect. He had a freak ability that he shouldn't have possessed. He knew he shouldn't. It was cruel to bestow upon someone, especially without reason. How could it be given to someone without determination? It shouldn't have been possible. Yet it was.

He had the ability to remember different timelines. When the world got reset, when the word got destroyed, when the world got SAVED, he remembered it all. It was such a secret, private piece of himself that he never shared it with anyone, for fear of being considered crazy. That had happened in the past. But, as of now, no other being knew of his ability. Well, that excluded Frisk of course - his anomaly.

In all honestly, Sans would rather not refer to them as such, but the name, unfortunately, fit. Through the years, he had experienced horrors in between resets from Flowey the flower, though he could never track him down as the guilty party. At that time, Flowey was "the anomaly". Now, that life goal – finding him – had closure. He knew who was responsible now, and, thankfully, Flowey would never again be a concern. Now, it was much different. The thing that caused him anxiety had changed. And it all started when Frisk fell into the Underground. The first time, that was.

Sans felt that, now, the purpose of his existence was to stop the dreaded True Reset from happening ever again. As he had mentioned once to Chara (another phenomenon that Frisk had explained to him) ever since they had fallen, he was dedicated to keeping them happy. Happiness meant contentment. Contentment meant no reset. He knew all too well that when Frisk felt heartbroken, depressed, and lonely, they wouldn't cut. They wouldn't cry. Then would reset. It was how they coped.

Sans considered himself successful at his job. Currently, he was maintaining a record of 5 years with no reset. Seeing Papyrus, Alphys, Toriel, Undyne, Asgore, and the others so happy on the surface was rejuvenating, and kept him going whenever he was unsure of himself and his capabilities. The harder things to recover from had always been moments when he had to abandon his own preferences, and wants for his life, so Frisk could continue to be satisfied with the surface. That particular day, he was at Grillby's, reflecting on a horrible turn of events. Actually, it was more like grieving over it.

The previous year, Frisk had asked Sans out on a date – a serious one. He felt nothing romantic towards them, but because of his job, he was stuck with it. The relationship came with a gigantic price, however. Even since Sans and Toriel had gotten to know each other through their exchanges across the Ruins door, he had developed feelings... for the goat mom. Up above ground, they had teased and flirted with each other. It had been one of the few things that gave him pleasure as he coped with the stress he faced on a regular basis. That is, until Frisk asked him out. Of course, he could not tell them no.

So when the couple announced their "status", Toriel had a bone-chilling conversation with him. "Sans, I..I just wanted to let you know," she had said, "that I am sorry. For being a fool." He had been surprised. A fool to what? "This whole time...," she said, tearing up, "I had...romantic feelings for you."

"Tori..." He had started to respond, but the shock of the moment, the happiness, the disappointment, the anger at himself for missing his chance, kept him silent. "I was planning to ask you on a proper date soon enough, and well, I guess I assumed..." She had drawn in a long breath, fighting back wells of tears, "that our age difference would not have been an issue for you. But, it seems that you are attracted to a much, much, younger generation." Her head had hung, and her voice had been filled with sadness.

Regret. Sans had been full of it in that moment. He loved Tori; he couldn't bear to break her heart this way. When she had said much, much, younger generation, she meant it in all extremes. Toriel was a boss monster and, therefore, lived for much longer than anyone else. Of course this would make her feel the way she had felt. Sans felt extreme guilt for being the cause of her spilled tears.

"If it weren't for you being my friend, and Frisk being my child," she had bravely continued, "I could see myself fighting against them for your attention, but... given these circumstances...it would most definitely be wrong of me to do so." Sans' gaze and hers met. She sadly smiled. "Well, I guess it wasn't meant to be." At those words, Sans' heart broke in two.

"Although it pained me to tell you about my feelings towards you, I felt you should know." She turned in the opposite direction. Sans had so badly wanted to outstretch his hand to her and tell her this was all wrong, he didn't love Frisk, but he couldn't. He was forbidden to do so. "Good luck, Sans. May the two of you be happy together." She had walked away after that final comment.

That moment had hurt Sans. It left a scar, that, for him, served as a reminder of who everyone was at the mercy of. Frisk. Despite his pain and heartbreak, he was still expected to function as normal, as well as play the role of half a happy couple. It truly had knocked him down. But that was not the horrible turn of events. No, the turn of events was much worse.

Six months after that disastrous conversation, Toriel and Asgore had rejoined as a couple.

Sans was full of general frustration. With what, or whom, was he frustrated with however? Better phrased, who was to blame for his predicament? Sitting on the bar stool, he tried to figure out the answer to that question. He couldn't blame Toriel, nor Asgore – neither had know about his interest in Tori, or were even allowed to, he realized. Though he could easily blame himself, for not stating how he felt, and going out with Frisk, Sans believed that that was not right, either. He knew his anomaly too well – when they felt a lot of negative emotion, well... To put down Frisk's request at a date was to put monsterkind at risk of being trapped underground again. The timeline being reset was something Sans could not stand to let happen. If it wasn't one of those three, then who was responsible?

Sighing, Sans checked his phone for a message from Frisk. He had been waiting at Grillby's originally because they had asked him to meet them there. For what, they hadn't said. It had been 10 minutes since their most recent text, and, concerned that perhaps something upsetting had slowed them while on their way, he sent a quick message. "Hey kid. You all right?" Luckily, Frisk took the majority of his check-ins as part of the concerned boyfriend trope. Before dating, Sans would have to be more subtle when trying to find out what was bothering his anomaly.

Quickly, a responding message popped up on his screen. "Yeah. Just got trapped in the snow for a bit. I'm almost there." Sans, thankfully, sighed in relief. The kid was good. For now, everyone was safe.

After Sans ordered a meal – what he recalled to be Frisk's favorite – and a side of fries, Frisk arrived. He turned to look at them, as they took the seat next to him eagerly. Their eyes were shining with happiness as they looked at him, but as usual, their mouth barely stretched into a smile. In all the 5 years he'd know Frisk, and possibly including the 14 years in which he didn't, they had never been known to move their mouth very much to show any kind of emotions. Unless Frisk was extremely sad, or angry, or happy, their mouth stayed in its usual straight line. Despite this, Sans was at ease when he studied Frisk's expression. "hey, kid," he greeted. Their face seemed cheerful enough.

Frisk thanked him for the food, and took a couple bites. After about a couple seconds, their eyes went dull. Frisk turned to Sans, and he noticed the rapid change. Sans was immediately concerned. Did something happen? Would he have to defuse another one of their situations? What was making them upset?

Frisk said to Sans, quietly, "Sans... I have... something I want to ask you." They hung their head. "I've been wondering if, well, how..."Frisk swallowed nervously. Suspicious of the question, his eyebrows raised. What are you thinking, kid? Spit it out, he thought.

Frisk looked up at him again, drawing a breath. "I want your honest opinion Sans," they said. "How do you feel about me?" Feel about you? Feel about you? Sans was shocked by the question. Hadn't he put excessive effort and time into pleasing this kid, romantic or not? Hadn't he done everything he could to make his anomaly happy with how things were? Yet, somehow, it hadn't been enough for them?

"I mean, I asked you out on a date last year because... when you're around me, somehow, life is just... better. Everyone, everything, just seems happier and more alive. Except for... well, you yourself."

You yourself? You yourself. Sans was slightly offended by that statement. His eyelids drooped; his eyebrows dropped. However, that was nothing compared to Frisk's next, sassier remark.

"See, what I'm saying is," Frisk added, "is that when it comes to love and showing affection, it doesn't really feel genuine on your part." Sans was silent as a stone; his face had "hardened" after hearing this. Frisk's face, however, had softened instead. The young adult's eyes gleamed with slight amusement as Frisk said their next words: "Sure, everything around you is good and fine, but you seem to lack a little, oh, what's the word... passion."

Suddenly it hit him. As hard as taking a brick to the face. It hit him who. Was. Responsible. For his predicament. Who was truly at fault. Not Asgore. Not Toriel. Not even Sans. Rather. Frisk. When he had this epiphany, deep inside Sans, stirred anger. He tasted hatred on his tongue, as blazing as fire. He was furious with them. Why should they demand so much of his time and energy? Why should they force him to give up the love of his life, and then expect a genuine romantic relationship? At that moment, Sans thought, Frisk doesn't deserve love. Especially not mine. Frisk deserves hate. My hate.

"you wanna know my honest opinion of you, kid?" His eyesockets went dark. "i absolutely detest you. ever since you fell, i’ve made it my job to keep you happy, satisfied, content... all so you wouldn't feel pathetic and reset to deal with your stupid problems, yet, what do i get in return? pain, sorrow, a forced relationship. how cruel. and then, let's add, your complaints that i'm not doing enough for you. well, kid, i don't owe you a single thing! you should be thankful i promised tori i'd spare your SOUL, otherwise you’d be dead where you stand, kid!"

Short of breath, he paused. Frisk's eyes were wide and full of fear. Hurt. They were clearly shocked. Sans realized what he had said. What he had done to Frisk. And now, the price that would have to be paid.

Well, here come the reset. He sighed, mentally preparing himself for it. He closed his eyes...

But it never came. Instead, he heard Frisk say, "Is that really how you feel about me?"

Sans' eyes opened in surprise. Of any possible response, the one he had least expected was that question. But. He felt everything was going down the toilet anyway. He knew his anomaly. Frisk wouldn't be able to handle the tension and would reset shortly. "yeah. that's pretty much the whole truth right there," Sans said, defeated.

Frisk was pensive for a moment. Then, they smiled. Sans was beyond confused and puzzled; he was plain incredulous. What could he have said that made them, of all things, smile?

"If that's true, then...I want to say... thank you." "For what?" "Well, for everything." Sans' eyesockets widened, genuinely surprised by this comment. Frisk then shocked him even more. Their eyes lit up as they...grinned. A true grin. Unlike their usual strained stretch of the lips that, for them, was a symbol of pure joy, this was a traditional grin, so wide that part of their teeth were visible. Sans was so surprised to see this he nearly fell off his stool. Randomly, the thought that a true smile could enhance someone's looks struck him.

Frisk continued to talk. "If you trying to stop me from true reseting, and all the while, hating me, is really the reason why I felt so...happy for the past five years, well..." Frisk looked a little shy. And slightly guilty. "I owe you a huge debt. These past years have been, by far, the best of my entire life – or maybe better said, existence." They giggled. Giggled? That was wildly out of character for them.

"Speaking seriously, however..." Rapidly, their expression went back to standard. A small part of Sans felt disappointed. Frisk sighed. "It must've been horrible for you – torture even – to have to go through that. And, despite how you feel about me, I care about you, Sans. So, I want to pay you back. With a promise. Well, if you're willing to take it, of course." Their eyes traveled to look downward, face full of sorrow and shame. Not wanting to hurt their feelings further, curious to know what the promise was, and, secretly wishing for them to smile again, he said, "go ahead kid. i'm all ears, i guess."

Frisk took a deep breath. They raised their left hand and, making eye contact with Sans, said, "I, Frisk Dreemurr, solemly swear... that from here, on out..." They swallowed. Whatever they were going to say next must have been difficult. Yet, they were determined to spit out the words to their promise. "...to never reset, again. Most of all, I promise Sans..." Their eyes flickered up at him. Sans was already caught off-guard by the first promise. What was Frisk going to say next? "...that he will never more have to change the world around him to keep me happy. I free him from those obligations. Instead, I swear to handle my emotions in a more...healthy manner. If necessary, I'll tell him everything. Like a confidant."

They dropped their hand and placed both it and its counterpart in their lap. "That is, if you're OK with that..."

Sans grinned. He gave them a huge hug. Frisk went wide-eyed, but they happily accepted. A wave of relief and happiness flushed over them both, and they held the hug for a moment. Then, it broke. Frisk gave Sans a "smile" – their typical smile, that is – and said, "Oh, and if you're not comfortable with us being together, we can break up if you want. I know you said you hated me, and it might be easier for you if I give you space and stuff..."

Sans considered this for a moment. Would he really be gaining anything by accepting that offer? Well, no. Not really. Toriel was lost to him forever, simply another man's woman. And today's revelations about Frisk's character had been a huge surprise to him. And anyway, besides Flowey, the only person in the world that understood his ability to remember past timelines was Frisk. Would anyone else ever understand, or even believe? Maybe it wouldn't hurt to get to know them a little better this way, as part of a relationship.

"nah, kid. that's ok. i don't really hate you anymore anyway, not after that promise you made. i was just upset," he said. "besides, what better excuse to support you than doing my job as a boyfriend?"

Frisk's eyes brightened. "R-Really?" Quickly, the eyes went serious again, as if to disguise their feelings about his answer. "Oh, OK. If that's what you want." Sans couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

As Frisk got up to leave, Sans said, "Wait." Frisk focused their attention on him, eyes awake. Sans felt a bit nervous about what he was going to ask. "umm, well. i've been thinking of you as my anomaly for a while now, since i was, y'know. looking out for you and stuff. and you're an anomaly in the time space continuum." He blushed, but Frisk's acceptance of it put him at ease. And hey, he finally admitted the truth to himself. "heh. would you mind if i...called you that ever?"

Frisk gave a gentle smile. "Of course not Sans. That's OK with me." They got up, placed money on the counter top for the meal he had bought them, and left Grillby's. Sans sighed. He felt much better about his situation with Toriel. He could get over it entirely soon enough. With some help of course. From his new datefriend.

Sure, it would take some work, and some getting used to. And yeah, sure, technically, they had been dating for six months already. But Sans felt that, with time, he could learn to love Frisk. And the most exciting part was that, starting today, he could truly start his life on the surface. After all, Frisk promised.

#utshippingpridemonth #frisk #sans #frans #toriel

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