“I want to take my heart off my sleeve, it has grown too heavy.”

-m.n.

God Lives With The Ants

When I was younger, I would lay under a maple tree in the backyard. I’d stare up at the leaves and watch them wither from a bright green into orange and red and fall all around my head. I’d talk with the wind that danced and sang as it rushed through the trees and played with my hair. I’d observe the ants as they went about their business in the dirt next to me. So small, and yet we occupied the same space, but our perspectives couldn’t be more different. Our futures intimately linked and yet I found myself wondering if this crawling little insect could sense my gaze. I wondered what great giant’s ribcage laid beside my whole infinite universe, small enough to be held on the tip of their finger. And suddenly, for the first time, I believed that colossus did gaze at my universe, occupying its same space, but somehow so small and impossibly different, and it would get misty eyed pondering the complexity and beauty of our entangled existences, and it would hope things for all us and then mourn those hopes as they changed and evolved over the years, entirely beyond anyone’s reach at this point.

~K.

i realized

you just want me to be around, don’t you?

for me, it was just

the way i showed up for you

the way i held you down and had your back

the way i was always the stable one,

the one who always thinks clearly

the way i was loyal for you

you are scared of losing me

because you just lost one of your closest

and no one else handle you like i do, right?

insta: @darichonne

No matter what I do and no matter how much of myself I give to someone, it never seems to be enough. I will always be the second choice. I will never be the girl a boy is head over heels in love with and it kills me every single day.

Bitter

The ache in my legs used to bother me

A reminder that I can't go home yet

Incense is burning at my sinuses

Overwhelming as I blink back tears

Meaningless versed and shared hymns

Somehow everyone knows the words

The ache in my legs used to bother me

But I now choose to stand in the pews

For you are no longer there to stand with me

- Praying for you isn't enough, let me partake in what I used to observe

It's so easy for me

It's effortless, I don't even try

To me it's as easy as breathing to forget that anyone really cares about me

It's so easy for me to accept that I'm unlovable

To realize that I'm boring, stupid, ugly

To understand that I am only what I can provide other people

Because I'll never be good enough just on my own

It's easy to remember all the people in the past

Who saw me as a person and decided I wasn't worth the effort

Who spent so much time with me that they actually got sick of me

They probably wished they were anywhere else

With someone else who is funnier, more exciting, smarter, less exhausting

I'm annoying, I get in the way, and I never have anything truly important to say.

And some days, like today, like right now,

It is so, so easy for me

It is effortless

To wish I was someone people loved

Who knows, maybe in a different life we would’ve worked out.

Patience my love! I am learning to talk about my messy head . I am learning to talk about my feelings instead of writing them down in riddles and metaphors. I am trying to unchain the words at the back of my tongue that sometimes slips through the tip of my fingers onto a blank sheet of paper. I am trying to open myself up a little bit more . I am trying... I really am.

“The time to write about Autumn has come and gone. I must eulogize myself now.”

-m.n. | “December”

All My Unsatisfied Cravings

Most people don’t know what it’s like to want things. Not really. Not deeply. With your whole heart and soul. You’re willing to bleed for it, push for it, give for it.

Oh sure, people know all about coveting. Humans do this the best, perhaps. We covet what we see everyday. This life, this hair, this face, this position, this power, this person.

My body doesn’t know what to do with all its wanting. I hurt and mourn and long for things I’ve never seen or heard or tasted. I’m starving and I’m craving and I’m standing in the middle of the biggest buffet, more than my eyes can hold, and my favorite food is missing. My mouth turns sour at every dish. I can’t tell you what it is, what ingredients it requires, if you bake or sauté it. But I could pick out the smell, in this room full of every delicious mouth watering meal, and I’ll recognize it when it’s finally put on the plate in front of me.

~K.

And for once, I wanna feel beautiful without being reminded of my flaws, without being told how close I am to being perfect, how I could fit into your definition of perfection, I am not here to compete and keep comparing myself, I want to celebrate and cherish who I am in my own skin, at least for a while, without being appreciated and judged at the same time. I don’t need feedbacks, I need no suggestions, I don’t need to be constantly reminded of everything I could be, just in the name of motivation, I don’t wish to entertain your words. They don’t lift me up, they bury me. I already have a mirror to look into and point out the flaws I have, I already have the restless mind that never fails to analyze, and criticize. All I don’t have is a heart always full of self-love, one that boosts my self-esteem, and that’s all I wish to have because love makes me feel less empty. Fill me with love, or leave me empty. Just don’t come close to hollow me even more.

Sparkandashes via tumblr

insta: @darichonne

I took down my walls to let you in. I told you everything about myself, from my childhood trauma to my insecurities. And you still used it to hurt me. You knew what you were doing.