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#everything about their lives has *also* been shrouded by Eddie's enormous and unflinching love for him
buckttommy · 1 year
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One thing that was very interesting to me in this episode is the way Eddie was just... not joking about Buck's love interests.
That stuck out.
Usually when Eddie talks to Buck about his love interests, it's with an edge of fond exasperation, teasing laced around his gently delivered truths, but there was none of that this episode. Buck told Eddie he went to see Natalia and it was like something switched. Eddie's entire affect changed when Buck started talking about Natalia. He went from being loose and easy (as loose and easy as one can get when standing at a grave) to being... not combative, necessarily, but visibly actively not wanting to engage in conversation about her either, and it's not...
It's not even jealousy!! We joke a lot about Eddie and jealousy, but it wasn't that at all. It was a fatigue that comes with silence, that comes with holding your tongue, that comes with keeping secrets. Especially when Buck said that he feels like Natalia sees him. That look Eddie gave him immediately after? That was pure hurt. That was him saying I see you too, I've always seen you. But he can't say that. He can't say that, because to say that would be to say so many other things about the way he sees Buck, and to say so many other things would mean to have to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth about the ONE thing he's been holding onto ever since he was shot.
I don't know. I don't know, but I think Eddie taking Buck on a date and I think about how Eddie left his son—his heart—in Buck's care so they could bake cookies together (which becomes profoundly more significant in an episode where Christopher was talking about baking smores with his mom), and I think about Kenny saying Ryan has been doing some very nuanced work in the back half of this season, I'm like
Oh. Oh. I see it, thank you. Loud and clear.
#Before 5B I was like 'Eddie's pining era Eddie's pining era WHEN?'#but babes we are right in the thick of it. It's in his eyes. It's in his smile. It's in the way he looks Buck#in the way he treats him. In the way he creates space for his confusion for his fatigue for his grief.#In the way he shows quiet support and a stern shoulder to lean upon#In the way he doesn't burden Buck with his own feelings (even though that's mostly selfish on his part because#no part of Eddie will ever be a burden on Buck but Eddie doesn't know that yet)#It's just. Eddie's feelings for Buck are literally in *everything* he says and everything he does#It bleeds from him just like his blood did on that street.#If everything about Buck/Eddie's lives have been shrouded by the shooting since it happened#everything about their lives has *also* been shrouded by Eddie's enormous and unflinching love for him#and he keeps holding his breath and swallowing it down and putting off the moment where he pulls back the lid#and it all spills out and before he knows it... before he knows it#it's going to be too late. And instead of his blood staining the street it's going to be Buck's and he's going to tell him#but he won't hear him because Eddie was too slow too fucking slow#(did we all peep the watch on his wrist? Yeah. Time is running out Eddie. Time is running out and it is not going to#wait for fear to release its hold on you. Buck's not going to cheat death again. Don't waste time babe)#Anyways. Yeah. YEAH. Yeah....... whew. This episode was a Lot#jack.txt#tv: 911#911: 06 x 15#911 spoilers
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