i'll succeed with everything. definitely.

March 17, 2023

How do I want to be loved? In the same intensity as I want to love someone. I've moved through this earth with every challenge I can possibly face. I hesitate to use the word challenge in fear of paling in comparison to my mother, therefore coming off like a fucking asshat. But the proof is in the DSM pudding.

I want to love someone by supporting them with their dreams. Pep talk is so big to me. Because I'd allow the space for them to grieve their mistakes or the timelines that didn't match up in their plans. Because I understand how much it hurts to be ambitious. I understand that we can't be entertainment clowns that are wells of affection and positivity all the time. I think that giving someone space, who won't abuse it to become distant and confide in the safety of another person is what defines the ultimate meaning of trust for me.

I don't want someone to assume so negatively of me, to think i'm being condescending, or taking pity on things they find beautiful and motivating. I want to know every phase of their life that has made them, them. I want to know what they want to become. What qualities they miss about themselves. What they're happy to have left behind. What makes them aware of their mortality, what makes them run towards being alive.

I don't think our goals have to clash. It shouldn't be hard to find someone like this, but it's proving to be some fucking quest. To find someone who wants to see the world, who wants to fuck off from the rest of life to learn. awe, and immerse themselves in all the senses traveling to undiscovered land touches.

I want to love someone who already moves with conviction, to believe in themselves into a state of delusion. I'll be there to catch you.

I am a big fan of your story! Especially the my boys universe! I'm dying to get another my boys story from you! (I do like your journey series too btw) But then I got curious that you seem uninterested in Amelia and Meredith's relationship evolving..? Especially with the kids and all.. I was quite surprised as you portrayed Meredith as quite ignorant mother and aunt! I thought she hated to be a Ellis Grey kind of mother? I see a potential in their relationship but am just curious what you think!

Thank you! thanks for sending me the message and telling me this :)

you know, I am surprised that among so many messages it took this long for someone to bring this up :) I have made it clear that I am not a fan of Meredith but I know a lot of people in the Omelia fandom are, and that some root for her.

The thing is that, even though Meredith has repeatedly said she doesn’t want be what Ellis once was, her actions contradict her words. I think it’s not something she is aware of, but Meredith isn’t at all an affectionate, kind, warm mother. She is not very present in her children’s lives. Especially after Derek’s death, I feel every day she is more distant from her kids.

The very few times we see Meredith even mentioning them, it always has a negative connotation. (Like, she needs to clean after their mess, or they have to be picked up, or she can’t sleep enough hours because of them…). She never talks about the kids like they’re the best part of her life, like they bring her any kind of joy. They’re constantly being left in daycare or under the care of random people. 

For example, back on s11 Meredith left them for an entire weekend with Maggie even though her kids weren’t even familiar with Maggie. Who does that?? Leaves their kids with a complete stranger and plans to leave the city?? And then she spent the weekend on a hotel? Like, I know she was afraid of flying and thats why she didn’t go to DC, but come on! If she already pulls long, long hours at work every week, why doesn’t she want to spend every single second she has available in the company of her kids? If she didn’t go to DC, why didn’t she come back to see them? Meredith makes time for weekend work conferences, to engage in projects at work, to clean a stain on her carpet floor, but when is she spending time with her kids? We don’t see it. And we don’t even see her mentioning them in a positive way.

Remember when Derek died? What did Meredith do? Packed up everything and left. She did so because it was the way she supposedly need to cope with things. But what about Zola’s and Bailey’s needs? Ask any mother out there and I am sure the majority of them will tell you they will put their child’s needs above their own without flinching. But not Meredith. Her kids had just lost their father and Meredith took them away from everything they knew. Every sense of security, of home was gone; every familiar face they knew was left behind, leaving no one for them to turn to for comfort. Abrupt changes like that mess up with anyone’s head, especially if it’s a child, and never for a second Meredith stopped to consider that. Maybe she thought she was doing what she needed to do. But she’s been on the other side. Her mom did something very similar to her by dragging Meredith to Boston when she had just “lost” her father after Thatcher left. Didn’t she learn anything from Ellis’s behavior? So once again, how is Meredith a better mom than Ellis ever was?

I know that casting kids to shoot scenes isn’t easy for the show, but they could have at least make Meredith acknowledge her existence every now and then. For example, April and Jackson spend a lot of time at work, but they’re always smiling and genuinely happy when they talk about Harriet. Mark, Arizona and Callie were always smiling and excited to see Sofia. Maggie and Amelia seemed to be happier around the kids than Meredith. 

That’s why I think that, on the long run, Zola, Bailey and Ellie will be neglected. They already lost their dad and their mom spends little to no time with them. Unlike Ellis Grey, who really didn’t want kids, Meredith wanted hers, but she has no idea how to give them affection or how to care for them. I believe she loves her kids, but she is not exactly good at being a mother. So at the end of the day, she is pretty much doing to her children the same thing her mom did to her: putting her on the background of her life and priorities.

As for Amelia/Meredith relationship, I think the best thing Amelia could do to herself was to invest in another friendship. Meredith is very self centered, each season more, and she is too egoistical. To the point of actually complaining that Amelia helped her take care of her kids?? Seriously? Hahah Poor baby Ellis probably thinks Amelia is her mom, considering her aunt took better care of her than her own mother. And Meredith not only bullies Amelia and abuses her kindheartedness, she is also very inconsiderate of her feelings. Never for once second she tried to imagine herself in Amelia’s shoes. Meredith acts like everyone else around her is her property (Alex, Owen, Derek…) and she acts out against the world if something that bothers happen. And if it backfires, she suddenly becomes the victim.

The way I see it, Meredith tolerates Amelia, and only saves a nice word or two for Derek’s sister when she needs her. Amelia is selflessly giving, empathetic, charismatic, respectful towards people’s feelings and she deserves a friend who can give that in return, instead of only using her for personal gain. 

Amelia can do a lot better IMO.