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#every relationship im in and isolate myself and hold back from saying how i feel and setting boundaries and i am so sad and tired all the
pepprs · 2 years
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like . omg i know i need to stop POSTINGGGG but god thinking abt the argument w my parents last night and all the implications of it hurts so bad it’s unreal it hurts literally so bad. and it is ruining my life in so many ways and ive been fighting back tears all day bc of it. Lol
#purrs#i think im a burden to everyone and that everyone thinks im stupid and young and naïve entitled selfish annoying etc etc but really it’s#just my parents who think that and the fact that they do means that there is something fundamentally wrong with me so i carry that into#every relationship im in and isolate myself and hold back from saying how i feel and setting boundaries and i am so sad and tired all the#time that i never talk to anyone and i beat myself up for making mistakes and for having thoughts and feelings and i hurt the people who#love me by denying myself to them and not believing in their love and it fucking sucks and i hate that i will never fully recover from the#damage and i hate that the damage is over the STUPIDEST fucking shit in the whole world that is literaly nothing compared to some of the#horrors in the human experience like it’s just 2 bad fights with my mom and my brother being born and my grandma dying and how my mom did or#did not parent me 100% to her best ability during all of those moments and suddenly im fucked in the head for life over DUST BUNNIES. over#DRYER LINT. CRUMBS! specks of dirt. like are you kidding me. catapulting myself into the nearest viper pit rn i think. but also it’s 1:30 am#and i am working tomorrow and ive had an exhausting soul crushing week and i need to go to bed and i am running away from everyone and#everything in my life and it just is a hard time to be a person right now anyway so like maybe i need to just go to sleep and reblog some#posts and play animal crossing in all my free time and throw my phone into the river and be normal for 2 seconds. ok.#* 3 bad fights w my mom. but also a lot more but especially those 3 ♥️
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obeiii-mee · 3 years
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Heyo, this is my first time asking (im kinda new to tumblr, so please dont judge) if you would'nt mind, could you do some headcannons (or oneshots, it dosen't matter) with all the demon bros and a MC who is crippled/paralized in their legs, and has to use a wheelchair to get around? Thank you!!
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This is the first time I’ve written about a crippled MC, so I hope I didn’t fuck this up or anything. I found out that being paralysed in both legs is a disability called Paraplegia so that’s how I titled this post. And y’all are too sweet, you are more than welcome anon! I hope I can portray this properly because I am not crippled myself so I’ve opted to do some research before writing this! I hope you like it! Also, I feel inclined to add that none of the brothers would treat you too differently if you happen to have a disability because you’re their human nonetheless :)
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The Brothers with an MC that has Paraplegia and needs a wheelchair to get around:
Lucifer:
-Lucifer was in charge of choosing the final human, exchange student for the program so it’s guaranteed he already knew about your predicament before you even arrived
-Him and Diavolo probably had many meetings concerning your disability before the program could commence, considering that being unable to walk would double the chances of you getting killed since you are obviously more vulnerable
-Not to mention all the treatment you would require
-Lucifer is not well versed in human illnesses and disorders, but he makes sure that he is educated enough on the matter before you get brought down there
-It would not be easy, but he is determined to help you survive your year in DevilDom for the prince’s sake
-First problem of the day was, of course, your wheelchair
-Due to lack of time, Lucifer was unable to instal ramps around the House of Lamentation which meant that for the first couple of weeks, someone would’ve had to help you move around certain parts of the house
-He gave that highly prestigious job to himself because he didn’t trust his brothers and thought they would accidentally drop you and your wheelchair down the stairs
-He talks a lot to you, even at the beginning, because he needs to establish your needs and what he should do to make sure you don’t die for the following year
-You would have to tell him about physical therapy and how most commonly it uses heat, massage and exercise to stimulate your nerves and muscles, making it a great treatment for people with leg paralysis
-Once you two enter a more intimate and personal relationship, it’s more than likely he’ll help you perform those things himself (instead of kidnapping a human doctor from somewhere)
-Lucifer knows you have no problem getting around with your wheelchair by yourself but there are times where he’ll insist to push you along in order to give you a quick break
-I can totally imagine you two strolling around DevilDom and having cosy chats about RAD and your adjustments to DevilDom
-He has a softer side to him that he’s afraid to show most of the time, but he feels so at ease when you’re around, it’s hard for him to hold that part of him hidden from you
-Of course, your safety still remains his primary concern and he acts more like your guardian than Mammon does, even if he was originally supposed to look out for you
-He will accompany you almost anywhere. And if he can’t, he’ll have one or more of his brothers do it. And even then he’s probably lurking nearby, just in case
-He would always be willing to listen about your condition, if you wished to tell him whether you were born with the defect or why you ended up crippled later in life. Either way, he’s all ears
-If you would rather not speak about it, he wouldn’t pry and respect your decision because he knows it’s not his place to pressure you
-Because of your paralysis, it’s quite obvious to demons that you are even weaker (physically speaking) than most humans and that usually puts a target on your back
-Howver, never fear, because Lucifer is pretty quick to put lower rank demons in their place with just a mere stare
-Oop one of them passed out from the fear, haha
-In conclusion, he’s the most responsible when it comes your comfort and safety during your stay
-He makes sure you are always left in good hands and and provides most of the requirements you need
-Y’all should see how his wings puff up when he senses a threat approaching you, he looks like a peacock ready to go on attack lol
Mammon:
-The second born is unsurprisingly a bit of a jerk at first
-He stays really grumpy the whole day of your arrival because he’s stuck babysitting you stupid human
-“Lucifer c’mon, what’s all this workload for? The human can’t even walk by themselves, why do I have to help them out?”
-Wtf Mammon you can’t say shit like that
-Anyways, the following very few days, the only thing he’s thinking about is how much money he could sell your wheelchair for
-He’s the literal incarnation of greed, what else did you expect from him?
-After a while, he starts feeling a bit guilty every time he thinks about it though
-Mammon is gonna take this secret to the grave (laughs in immortal) but he actually really likes pushing you around
-Maybe it’s because it’s a clear indication to everyone around him that you are HIS human, under HIS protection and therefore you trust HIM the most since he was your FIRST MAN
-He will insist on helping you get out of that thing when you need to go to bed and stuff every night and he will get pouty real fast if you let any of his other brothers do it
-You wake up to him trying to roll around in your wheelchair one night at like 3am
-At some point, he stole a wheelchair from the human realm to match with his human. You can guess the consequences of his actions
-I can imagine you having to face a staircase or something at school and Mammon being like:
-“Fuck it, imma carry this fragile human instead; wheelchair and all!”
-Like you were a sack of potatoes or something smh
-Cue his brothers watching him from a distance as he heaves you and basically weight-lifts you up the stairs
-Ok but every now and again, he gets so sad thinking about you not being able to walk, like he starts crying kinda sad
-While you stand there like 😐 “Why are you crying?”
-He’s so quick to help if he senses you’re in danger too
-It’s canon that Mammon is crazy fast if he wants to be so if he has even the slightest impression that your life is threatened, his feet are already moving
-He will charge at your immediate threat at around 120 miles per hour-do not try him when he’s mad
-“The Great Mammon saved the day! C’mon MC, let’s go buy some ice cream. My treat! Ya better be grateful!”
-He says while the demon that tried to eat you lies on the floor with about a dozen broken bones
-Mammon is the second most powerful demon out of all of his brothers, even if he doesn’t resort to violence often
Levi:
-He didn’t really know how to react when you first teleported to DevilDom
-I mean, from the very beginning he considered you to be a human normie but at the same time, he felt bad you were stuck with his brothers for the rest of the year
-I think he would understand you would have an even harder time integrating yourself in their house because of your disability and he knows his siblings are really fucking annoying, always pushing you around and whatnot
-So, he kinda lets you hide in his room quite often
-You guys chill out in there all the time, much to the dismay of the other brothers who also want to spend time with you
-At some point, Levi definitely begged asked Lucifer to let you start online classes with him
-“But wouldn’t it be easier for MC to do online school from home rather than go to R.A.D since there aren’t any ramps or anything around there???”
-“The answer is no Leviathan.”
-“Ugh fine! What a fucking boomer-“
-For some reason, he gets so flustered whenever you ask him to push you around
-He blushes right to the tips of his ears and then he starts sputtering some nonsense that you can’t make out at all
-But he’s more than happy to do it, especially if you guys are going to a convention or if he’s dragging you out to buy new merch
-You two would get along in the sense that Levi realises the struggles you faced all your life were tough to overcome and he believes you are just like him
-Usually left out by other people, ignored even
-He knows you always listen to him ramble on about whatever he is currently obsessed with and how much you check up on him to make sure he never isolated himself
-He wants to do that for you too! Talk to him about your hobbies, please I’m begging you-he feels so bad whenever he’s doing all the talking
-If you ask him to help you with anything (getting something, helping you into bed—that sort of thing), he legally and physically can’t say ‘no’
-And he would get envious enough to stop talking to you for a day or two if you let his brothers do it instead (the second and third born are indeed similar lmao)
-S T A Y I N H I S R O O M, W H E R E Y O U C A N B E P R O T E C T E D !
-He will feel so much more at ease if you’re in his room because to him, that’s his haven
-If you’re in there with him, that means you’re not getting involved in his siblings’ endless and dangerous shenanigans
-Whenever you’re at school, he can’t help but worry about your well-being
-Because you’re human! You’re gonna get killed!! Do you know how much your organs sell on the black market in DevilDom??? 100x more than in the human realm, that’s for sure
-Would they have a black market or would it be a regular market lol
-For some reason, he also likes staying in your wheelchair when you’re not using it
-I think he just takes comfort in knowing it’s something that belongs to you and smells like you and-
-OK Levi, sit back down
-He wouldn’t treat you any differently if you had a disability tbh, but he’d be more concerned because you can’t even run away or anything
-So he’s so fuckin’ relieved when you guys are just vibing in his room
-He could die happy knowing he kept his best friend/ partner safe
Satan:
-Satan would be even more prepared for your arrival than Lucifer would, in a sense
-Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to understand and recognise paraplegia (either from studying human illnesses/birth defects/disabilities or from encountering humans with said disability)
-He’s a smart boy, alright?
-Always seems to be the first to notice if you need help or if someone’s bothering you
-Though in the very beginning, he was pretty tempted to just let you get killed to see how angry Lucifer could get
-Seeing dear Luci’s misery brings him great joy 🥰🥰🥰
-Once you two manage to build a very honest and strong relationship, he feels more and more inclined to keep you out of harm’s way
-Pls, he would feel so honoured if you let him push you around (it’s like you asked him to h*ld h*nds or something)
-If you require treatment of any kind, he would be so happy to help
-But in a subtle way...?
-Satan makes it seem so smooth too like he doesn’t mind lending a helping hand when in reality he’s all giddy inside
-*Kinda wants to rub it in his brothers’ faces but at the same no, because he’s definitely the bigger person here
-He wants to know how your wheelchair works
-It’s got all of these neat mechanisms and he wants to learn how they’re constructed because he never had the chance to inspect one before
-He’s such a sweetheart about asking you as well and never pries about your disability unless you start elaborating yourself
-Most of the time, he acts all charming and very gentleman-like
-So people have a hard time spotting and acknowledging the building rage inside of him every time he sees you are threatened by some moronic low rank demon
-Satan’s usually chill when it comes to injuries, unless he can see you’re in horrible pain
-There’s nothing a few spells can’t accomplish
-But when others purposefully try harming you?
-It’s like he loses all the self control he’s been trying to perfect over the centuries and he can’t help himself from at least breaking someone’s rib cage
-Satan’s a weird one because he’s protective of you even though he’s more on the relaxed side when compared to his siblings
-He very much acknowledges that you made it this far in life with your predicament so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you or anything
-You’re strong and he knows this
-It’s one of the many things he clearly loves about you
-That one time you rolled over Mammon’s foot with your wheelchair on purpose, he was wheezing
Asmo:
-Even now, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be stuck inside a wheelchair for the rest of his eternal life
-I mean, he’d obviously still be absolutely fabulous, have you seen him? He’s gonna be gorgeous either way
-But after the two of you meet, he definitely starts thinking about how he takes his feet for granted all the time
-It would be so difficult to complete his daily tasks without the ability to walk or run around
-That’s why he gets sad every time he remembers that’s your reality and on days like that, you’ve noticed he gives you a helluva lot more attention than usual
-He knows you don’t need pity or anything so he’s just making sure his human has all the support they can get
-Paraplegia or not, shopping trips are still a go-go
-He loves buying you clothes! And he loves helping you try them on! Asmo takes it very seriously
-Might have a go at the employees if they’re being rude to you
-You don’t even ask him to, but he subconsciously starts pushing you around himself whenever the two of you are out together
-“MC! Look at that new shop that’s just opened! Isn’t it adorable? We have to check it out!”
-He can’t help it! There’s so many places he wants to visit, he sort of just drags you with him wherever he goes
-Even at home, he always pops out of nowhere to coax you into coming to his room
-Y’all have so many skin routines to do each day
-Like he’s in your room most nights to greet you goodnight and tuck you in, with the rest of his brothers it gets so awkward at times
-Asmo just wants to see you smile, ok? He thinks you have a beautiful smile and laugh and he wants to remind you that you’re marvellous, disability or not
-And if anyone does anything to put an end to your self confidence, he will swiftly put an end to their life
-Please, he’s a pro at ruining lives, he’s been doing it for centuries
-Asmo has such a huge influence over the people in DevilDom, he just needs to make this one post on Devilgram to end said demon’s whole career
-I mean, who is he compared to him, Hmm? So don’t worry MC, scum like that don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you :)
-That one time Mammon tried lifting you up the stairs and Asmo started shrieking, like put them down! Don’t manhandle them like that, poor human :(
Beel:
-I know I sound repetitive, but he would be an overall sweetheart to you no matter the circumstances
-If Mammon is not by your side, then Beel definitely is
-His big, scary aura and figure usually scares off any threat in a 10 mile radius
-Most demons don’t fancy being eaten by the Avatar of Gluttony, ya know?
-Idk why but I feel like he’d be the type to ask for oral consent every time he wanted to push you around
-He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable :(
-Surprisingly also the type to lift you and your wheelchair whenever an obstacle gets in your way
-You basically weigh the same amount as a paper plate compared to him, so he has no problem doing so
-He doesn’t really understand your condition as well as Satan may do, but he’s trying his best
-You mean so much to him and he feels it’s only fair he learns more about your disability as a thank you for what you’ve done for him
-He has a rough time keeping up with you when it comes to stuff like physical therapy because he’s very unfamiliar with it but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna help
-Of course, Beel believes that this is the second best way to show you how much he cares for you besides the obvious ‘I love you’
-Giving you a hand whenever you need his support the most
-That’s his way of saying “I’m not going to let you down. I want you to trust me, the same way I trust you.”
-And knowing him, he will try to do everything in his power to keep you safe and sound
-After a while, you’re bound to notice he’s the first one to pull you out of his brothers’ pranks before you have a chance to get hurt
-Beel is always the one handing you stuff from high places you can’t reach, without teasing you for it like Mammon might do
-Always the first one to remind you to get plenty of rest and to eat enough
-He wants to protect you and his brothers because he knows he failed to do so with Lilith so yeah, he’s a bit overprotective at times
-He doesn’t mean to be overbearing, but he gets so anxious knowing you’re by yourself
-After a few months of getting accommodated with him, your disability is no longer brought up in the conversation
-Because he doesn’t care that you are crippled and forced to use a wheelchair
-You are part of his family and he loves you no matter what
Belphie:
-He didn’t really care, even when you first met and his hatred for humans was at its very peak
-It didn’t matter that you had a disability
-All that mattered to him at the time was killing you to satisfy that deeply rooted need of vengeance inside of him
-Though he was sort of surprised his brothers didn’t get to you first
-In general, he’s pretty chill about you being crippled in both legs
-It takes too much effort to worry about your well-being 24/7 after all
-Surprisingly, he does keep an eye out for you if his siblings aren’t nearby
-It’s his redemption arc people, he’s trying to be nicer
-But he has such an irritating way of showing his affection for you
-Do not let him push you around
-He’s either going to a) fall asleep after 30 seconds and slump over you in the middle of RAD’s halls
-Or b) be annoying and fling your wheelchair in every direction possible just to piss you off
-He likes messing with you because you give him the best reactions and he thrives on that
-You’ve almost fallen off your wheelchair multiple times because of this asshole
-Not that he’d actually let you fall, he just wants to see how easily he can get you to yell at him
-Speaking of said wheelchair, like Mammon and Levi, he also loves using it when you’re not
-You’ve woken up to him curled up and asleep in that thing quiet often and he’s gotten in trouble over it every time with Lucifer
-But he doesn’t care
-And at this point, I don’t think even he knows whether he’s doing it to get a reaction out of you or because he somehow found a way to make himself comfortable there
-He would low key use you as a mode of transportation every time you go to RAD
-Just clings the damn wheelchair and almost topples both of you over
-“Belphie, there’s nothing stopping you from walking 😐”
-“Shh, just bring me to class and let me nap until then.”
-He doesn’t mention your legs but he still lays his head on your lap often
-Might make you hold him like a bride every time you stroll around the house
-It’s done out of love, I promise 😌😌
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Al~
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ncssian · 3 years
Text
A Favor: Part Eleven
Nessian Modern AU
Masterlist
a/n: first chapter after acosf!! im sorry for how short this one is, but acosf wrecked me and writing this put me back together. i hope it does something similar for you ❤️
***
“You say you’ve been doing better lately?”
The therapist’s office is plain, a little gloomy, but big windows overlook the center of town that make Nesta feel less suffocated.
She nods, “Yeah.”
“How would you describe ‘better’?” Dr. Bond— Lana, she insists on being called— has been endlessly patient with Nesta’s non-answers so far. Nesta almost feels bad and decides to throw the woman a rope.
“I’m not alone anymore,” she says. “I used to be alone all the time, but now I have friends, sort of… and a boyfriend.” She still loves that word. It’s never tasted so exciting before.
“You were always alone before this, then? Or were there just people that you didn’t consider noteworthy?”
A scowl rises to Nesta’s mouth. Damn, she works quick. “I was raised with two sisters in a one-bedroom apartment. I never got to be alone, but then I grew up, and…” Her mind wants to skip over the time she spent in college. “For the last couple of years, I holed up in my own place. Never wanted to talk to anybody or see them. If people took an interest in me, I shut them down because I didn’t have an interest in them.”
“You missed a few years,” Lana notes.
“What?”
“You’re twenty-four, and you moved out at eighteen. Where were you before getting your own place?”
Numbness seeps through Nesta at the question. She knows she can ask Lana to change the topic, but that will only bring it back later. “I had a boyfriend in college,” she says flatly. “I lived with him for a few years, but like you said, it isn’t noteworthy.”
“As a fellow lone wolf, I disagree.” Lana’s clinical polite face is unchanging. “Any person who you trust enough to let into your life is noteworthy.”
Nesta says nothing.
“I’m interested in these people you’ve chosen to trust,” her therapist continues after a beat of silence. “Why don’t we start with whoever you trust most?”
Nesta snorts. This she can talk about.
“His name is Cassian. I’ve been living with him ever since my apartment got flooded a couple of months ago, and he’s always been a good friend to me.” She sits there, thinking about what else to say. “I think I like him more than I’ve ever liked anybody.”
“This is the new boyfriend?”
Nesta nods.
“Do you compare him to the old one?”
Nesta doesn’t know what this lady’s angle is, but she answers carefully, “I used to. Back when I first moved in. I haven’t done it in a long time, though.”
“Why not?”
The answer is simple. “There’s no need to. He’s not comparable to anybody.”
“Is that why you opened up to him after two years of self-imposed isolation?”
Nesta looks away. “It wasn’t isolation,” she defends. “It’s just… after a lifetime of being subjected to the gaze of strangers, I wanted to hide. I liked hiding.” Mostly.
“What does that mean, the gaze of strangers?”
Question after cool question, this one. Nesta struggles to find a proper answer.
“You know how,” she starts slowly, “as soon as you start school, you’re placed into this bubble with a bunch of people who don’t know you and have no reason to care about you? There’s a shift in how you view people, and how people view you. And I thought I could leave it behind once I graduated high school, but it followed me to college and to parties and into everyday interactions.”
“What is it?”
“It’s this—” Nesta waves her hands, “judgment. It’s that thing you do as soon as you meet someone, and you try to determine whether they’re worth your time or not. Whether they’re above or below you in this made-up social hierarchy in your head.”
“Explain that more,” Lana says.
“We want to hang around people we find cool. And when we meet someone new, we inspect them, look them up and down, to see if they fit our definition of cool. We take them apart. Everyone does it, even you. And with me,” she shrugs, “I’m pretty, I wear the right clothes, I do my makeup. So at first glance, people think, ‘Oh, I can see myself getting to know her better. I can see myself liking her.’ But then they take a closer look at me, and it’s like…” Her fingers flutter in the air, trying to support her thoughts. “I can see their minds changing. ‘Nevermind, I was wrong. Nevermind, there’s something off with her. She’s a little quiet, a little weird, a little bitchy.’”
Lana narrows her eyes. “And Cassian doesn’t look at you like that?”
Nesta looks away. “He doesn’t look at anyone like that.”
It’s what used to make her so uncomfortable about him. She was incapable of fathoming his honesty, his genuineness, his kindness. She thought he was even weirder than her for it— she placed him beneath her on her social hierarchy for it.
Lana frowns thoughtfully. “And now you two live together?”
Nesta nods, then shrugs. “For the next twenty-four hours, we do. He’s helping me move back into my old place.”
Because that was another conversation she and Cassian had on Thanksgiving night. It was a long time coming, but also the perfect time.
“You’re saying your apartment has been ready for weeks? Why are you just telling me now?”
Nesta pillowed her face on his chest, not as upset at revealing the news as she would have been some days ago. “Because I was scared that if I moved out, I would lose my friendship with you.”
“That never would have happened—”
“We wouldn’t see each other every day anymore. Even if we didn’t go back to being complete strangers, the closeness would be lost.”
“You must not know me, then. I would’ve texted you every fucking hour. You’d never hear the end of me.”
“I couldn’t guarantee that back then.” She looked up at him through her lashes. “I can now.” She crawled higher up his body, lowering her voice to a secretive pitch. “Want to know why?”
“Why?” he whispered.
“Because you’re mine now. And that’s what I was waiting for while I made Lorene hold that shitty empty apartment for me. I was waiting for a catalyst, a revelation.” She pressed a kiss to his sternum. “And I most definitely got it.” The pleasant ache between her legs was proof enough. “Also,” she added, “it would be weird if you lived with your girlfriend before even having a first date with her.”
Cassian huffed a laugh. “You have a point there. We have been moving backwards, haven’t we?”
Nesta nodded into his skin.
He got a little quiet. “Still,” he said after a moment. “I’ll miss you.”
“You’ll see me every day. I’ll be fifteen minutes away.”
“I’ll still miss you.”
“I know.”
“What does talking about guys have to do with my therapy?” Nesta squirms, getting restless with the topic.
“Lots of things,” Lana says, putting down her notepad. “It gets you comfortable with expressing your feelings to me, and it teaches me about how you view the world. Besides, therapy isn’t just a rehashing of past traumas, you know. We can talk about whatever you want here, especially if it makes you feel good.”
“Well, I want to talk about something else.” She’s not spending this much money by the hour just to talk about how much she likes Cassian— she can go to Cassian for that for free.
“Like what?” Lana asks smoothly.
She’s offering an opening, finally, to the real reason that Nesta’s here.
Nesta pulls at the sleeves of her sweatshirt, wondering where to start. “I feel like I’ve been growing up lately,” she says carefully. “I have all these new people in my life to be responsible for, and I’m— I want to do it right. But I’m worried I won’t have room for new things until I pack up some of my old shit, so that’s why I’m here, I guess. I don’t want to hold on to all of my old shit anymore.”
At Lana’s encouraging silence, she continues, “I spent my whole life stuck in a suffocating town, and as soon as I left, I got stuck in a relationship. By the time I knew what freedom felt like, I— I’d been left behind. Everyone I knew was moving onto bigger things and all I had was this shitbag of a past. So I got a new place and started law school and called it a fresh start, but now I’m here and I’m not sure if I ever got better.”
She takes a sharp breath after everything that’s spilled.
Lana purses her lips, letting the room absorb Nesta’s words. After a long moment, she says, “Just because bad things stop happening to someone, doesn’t mean they instantly get better. It’s a good thing that you’re recognizing that before stepping into new relationships, Nesta.”
Lana glances at the clock on the wall. “I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today, but this was a productive first session.” She offers a small smile. “Same time next week?” She says it as if it isn’t already a done deal.
Nesta nods gratefully anyway, unable to say anything else. As soon as she’s out the door, a pent-up sigh escapes her. That wasn’t so bad.
***
Later that night, Nesta doesn’t miss Cassian’s wistful stare as he takes down the painting he got her from the fall festival. Nor does she miss how slowly he packs it away.
Once the bedroom she made her home is as sparse as the day she moved in, all her things packed away neatly in boxes, Nesta wraps her arms around Cassian and pulls him to the bed. There, she lets him hold her close, their breaths and limbs intertwining as they lie in thoughtful silence.
“I can’t believe I’ll never see this room again,” Nesta says quietly.
Cassian’s eyes widen in alarm. “What do you mean, never again?”
“I’ll be staying in your room whenever I visit, remember?” Her underwear already occupies a drawer in his closet.
Cassian visibly relaxes when he remembers, then smiles. “Right. Of course.”
She lets herself sink deeper into his embrace. “I just realized you’ve never seen my apartment before.” He was waiting at the front door of Lorene’s place while Nesta collected her things all those weeks ago, but she cringes at the thought of him visiting now. The clear wealth gap between her and Cassian doesn’t usually show, but it’ll be undeniable with the cramped room she calls an apartment. “Maybe it’s best if I move back in without your help. There might not even be space there for your huge body.”
“Sounds more appealing by the minute.” He’s not joking. He tilts up Nesta’s chin so she’s forced to meet his eyes. “I can’t wait to start partaking in your life the way you took over mine. Spending nights at your place, meeting your friends, riding in your car instead of mine.”
Nesta swallows.
“I’m gonna miss you like hell, but it’ll be for the best.”
He’s right: this is what’s best for their budding relationship right now. Moving out, creating even a little bit of distance— all of it is so they can finally learn each other as lovers instead of roommates. So when they do come back together, which Nesta firmly believes they will, it’ll be stronger than ever before.
Some of their shared sadness flits away at the truth of it. She only places her hand on his cheek, content to appreciate this view— this beautiful, hazel-shaded view— without further chitchat or goodbyes.
Cassian is not as fond of the silence. “I need to tell you something,” he says seriously after a few minutes.
After only a handful of days dating Cassian, Nesta knows what he’s going to say. “Don’t,” she warns, unamused.
He grins conspiratorially and leans in even closer, until their mouths are almost brushing. “You’re my everything, Nesta.”
“Oh my god, stop it.” She squirms out of his hold and gets up, tossing the blankets off herself.
“No, come back!” He makes a grab for her sleeve. “We have to use the bed one last time—”
But she’s already running off.
***
Cassian carefully arranges the canvas painting on the wall, taking a step back to determine if it’s hanging straight. The ruby and amber leaves of the landscape stand out against the dull teal walls of Nesta’s basement apartment, but he’s just getting started.
The rest of Nesta’s things are half-unpacked from their cardboard boxes, but instead of going for the important shit first, he finds the box he specifically marked FAVES in bold letters the night before.
While Nesta wrangles to get her clothes back into her old closet in the background, Cassian crouches and rips open the small box. There, lying atop his girlfriend’s favorite trinkets and personal items, is the framed photo he snuck in without her noticing.
It’s of the two of them at the fall festival, taken mere hours before their first kiss. Nesta is pressed up close to Cassian (her excuse being that it was cold), and a genuine light fills her eyes, one that Cassian never thought he’d be able to capture on camera. Cassian himself isn’t looking at the camera, but down at Nesta with wind-flushed cheeks and a distant smile. Making sure she’s having a good time, that she truly wants to be there with him in that moment.
He never realized how close they looked in that picture until he had it printed and framed, not long after Nesta announced she was moving out. He can’t believe he didn’t see it sooner.
Standing up, he places the photo on Nesta’s wooden dresser. Nesta still has her head in the closet, moving things around, but Cassian makes no announcement of his gift to her. She’ll notice it sooner or later.
He clears his throat. “Wanna take a break and order Chinese?”
Nesta pops her head out of the closet, her ponytail ruffled and eyes narrowed at him. “Have you even been helping this whole time?”
“Standing here and looking pretty is harder than it seems, but I don’t expect any credit from you,” he jokes. “Just let me buy you lunch.”
Nesta grumbles something he chooses not to hear, but straightens up and rubs her spine with a wince. “I need a fucking chiropractor,” she mutters.
Guilt shoots through Cassian at that small wince, and he resolves to finish organizing Nesta’s closet for her before the day is over. Nesta goes on, “So? Still determined to split your time between here and the cabin?” She gestures to the apartment with an arm.
It’s really just a glorified single room, with a rusty kitchenette in the corner, a hallway near the stairs that holds the bathroom, and Nesta’s bed pushed against one wall. It’s nothing special, but Cassian loves it. Mostly because he can already envision each new nook and cranny to take Nesta against, and how he wants to wake up in that too-small bed on days that he’s too lazy to drive home.
“It’s perfect,” he says simply. Thank you for sharing your home with me, is what he really means. Speaking of homes—
Cassian digs around in his pocket, finding and pulling out a newly-minted silver key. “I almost forgot to give you this.”
Nesta frowns, coming forward to take the key from him. He uses the closeness as an excuse to wrap his arms around her waist while she inspects the object.
She glances up at him, eyes softer than they were a moment ago, lips slightly parted. “You’re giving me a key to the cabin?”
He shrugs casually. “You should’ve gotten one a long time ago.” She used either Cassian’s key or the spare while she lived there.
Her mouth is still open, and she closes it once, twice, before finally saying, “I don’t have a key to my place for you.”
“But I can get one,” she adds quickly. “If you want it, that is.”
Of course he wants it, but he keeps his face carefully neutral. “Only if you want me to have one. We’re still new, and this is your personal space.” He emphasizes your.
Nesta purses her lips, then says, “I’ll think about it.”
Cassian’s shoulders slump in relief— relief that Nesta is being honest with him instead of doing something she isn’t yet ready for. He’ll take her honesty over an apartment key any day.
Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he smiles brightly and shoves her toward the bed. “If we’re getting dumplings again then you can’t steal mine.”
***
a/n: fair warning that ive never been to therapy, but in stories therapists are usually a mode for character exploration and development, which is what nesta's therapy will be for.
also im so glad i got to meet gwyn in acosf and im so excited to introduce her into this fic too!! if you have ideas for her origin story feel free to share because nothing is planned yet
taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson @swankii-art-teacher
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rafecameron · 4 years
Note
idk if u do rqst but i love ur writing! can u do jj x reader in a secret relationship bc shes a kook & also kiara’s enemy? maybe kiara having a lil crush on jj and when she found out, thats when the drama happens? kie confronts y/n and they get into a fight!! 🤭 im sorry if you dont do requests ): just ignore this then!
thank you so much for requesting! I haven’t written for JJ in so long I hope this is okay!
You didn’t necessarily enjoy sneaking around. You hated lying to your friends about where you were and what you were doing but you knew it was for the best. You knew your friends would look down on you for dating a pogue, but that wasn’t even what you were worried about. It was his friends. One friend in particular. Kiara. You knew kiara from school and you even used to hang out with her during her kook year. You were never what you would have called friends but you got along and were civil so when she completely turned on you at the end of last year you were more than a little surprised.
You had tried to talk to her, even if you didn’t much care for her you didn’t want any animosity between the two of you. But she hadn’t wanted to know and you’d given up trying pretty quickly. If she wanted to isolate herself from the whole school then you’d leave her to it. You never imagined your paths would have to cross much again besides sharing the same maths class. But then JJ had happened. And it hadn’t meant to happen.
You’d been at a kegger, nothing unusual about that. But your friend had ditched you to hook up with a touron so you’d found yourself wandering around the fire pit alone and more than a little intoxicated. That’s when you’d bumped into him. You’d seen him around before but you’d never spoken nor had the chance to get a god look at him. And now you had? You were enchanted. His messy blonde hair wasn’t something you’d usually find attractive but it suited him. You got lost in his blue eyes, eyes full of hope and laughter. You’d spent hours sitting with him, talking and laughing. Until kiara had appeared and all but ripped him from your side.
“Kiara what the hell?” You’d asked jumping up from the log you were sat on with a glare.
“Stay the hell away from my friends.” She spat back with a scowl to match yours.
JJ had intervened before a fight could break out, he held kiara back, profusely apologising to you before pulling her away. He’d found you on Instagram the day after and sent you another apology and since then you’d been practically inseparable.
“Do you think we will ever tell anyone?” You ask. Your chin was resting against JJ’s chest as you looked up at him, the sunlight coming through your window casting an ethereal glow across his tanned skin.
“I dunno y/n.” JJ sighs, he hated when you brought this topic up, “it’s complicated.”
“I know,” you lift your head, reaching a hand up to caress his cheek lightly, “but I mean in the future. Surely we can’t hide forever.”
JJ lifts his head, eyes softening as they meet yours, “one day yeah. Don’t think I don’t ever want the whole world to know you’re mine, cause I do.”
You quickly crawl up his chest and plant a kiss to his lips, the smile on your face making it hard to kiss him properly, “I want the whole world to know I’m yours. I want kiara to know I’m yours, so she can stop eyeing you up.”
JJ rolls his eyes and drops his head back with a groan, “not this again,” you hear him sigh, “she does not have a crush on me, y/n.”
“Yes she does!” You sit up, straddling his lap so you could look down at his face, “you don’t see the way she looks at you! Also, you’re completely oblivious to everything. I was dropping hints for weeks before finally out right saying I liked you.” You roll your eyes.
“That was different! I just convinced myself you would never be interested in a pogue like me.” JJ looks up at you, a small shrug rolling off his shoulders.
“JJ you know I don’t care about that stuff.” You lean down placing a kiss lightly to his lips.
“I know that now.” JJ replies, placing his hands on your hips as he kisses you again.
—-
It had been months since you’d started dating JJ, seven to be exact. And you’d both done a pretty good job at hiding the fact from other people. Your parents were out most of the time and your neighbours were elderly so it wasn’t hard to sneak him in and out of your house. You’d been to his a couple of times but he liked to keep you away from his dad as much as possible and you were perfectly okay with that.
You were currently attending what you were sure would be the last kegger of the year as the nights were starting to get noticeably colder as winter rolled around. You had a hoodie on, oversized and pulled over your hands to protect against the chill. You found it increasingly hard to stay away from JJ at keggers, because every time your eyes found him there was some touron trying desperately to get into his pants. You trusted JJ but that didn’t mean you liked to see it.
Your eyes were only pulled away from the blonde as a commotion broke out behind you. You weren’t at all surprised to see Rafe tackling someone to the ground, Topper not far behind him. Before you knew it there was at least eight people rolling around in the sand fighting. You tried to get away from the punches but before you knew it someone had been thrown in your direction, tumbling into your legs and pulling you to the ground with them. You let out a squeal as you fell backwards into the sand, hurting your lower back as you landed.
“Get off of me.” You growled pushing the drunk kook away from your legs.
“Y/N!” You heard your name being shouted, the kook was lifted away from you and chucked into the sand and suddenly JJ’s concerned face appeared in front of yours, “are you okay?” He asks his hands coming to rest on your shoulders as he looks you up and down for any obvious injuries.
“I’m fine.” You smile resting your hands gently on his wrists, “my back hurts a little but I’ll be okay. People will see.” You tried to pry his hands away but he wouldn’t let you.
“I don’t care, that asshole could have seriously hurt you!” JJ complains, his hand moves to your cheek, “are you sure you’re okay?”
You open your mouth but you don’t get a chance to reply. “What the hell is this?” Kiara asks appearing behind JJ with a look of disgust on her face, “JJ? What the fuck?”
JJ looks at her over his shoulder, his brows furrowed in a scowl, “back off kiara, nows not the time.”
“I think nows a perfect time to explain what the fucks going on.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest as her friends join her, confused looks crossing their faces.
“Kiara-“ you begin but she cuts you off.
“I wasn’t talking to you! I swear to god if you’re messing with him I’ll beat the crap out of you.” Kiara steps forward, popes hand on her shoulder stops her.
JJ stands up, helping you up with him, “she’s not messing with me! We’ve been dating for seven months. We didn’t tell you because we knew this is how you’d react.”
“Seven months?” Kiara splutters out, “what the hell? If you’re using him for some plot to get back at me-“
“I’m not using him!” You step around JJ and closer to Kiara, “I have no plot to get back at you because I have no reason to! You’re the one with a problem here not me! I’m sorry that you’re like in love with him or something but he isn’t interested!”
“I’m not in love with him, you have no idea what you’re talking about.” Kiara steps forward again, now only inches separating the two of you.
“Okay let’s calm down a minute.” John B speaks up pulling Kiara back as JJ tugs on your arm, “I think we should hear them out before starting any fights.”
“Look, I’m sorry that I’ve been lying to you guys, but I knew the reaction we’d get. And we really like each other, we didn’t want anything to ruin it.” JJ explains with a sigh, “and in y/n’s defense, she wanted to come clean months ago, it was me who said no.”
“Well I didn’t see this coming.” Pope speaks up but he smiles and lets out a chuckle, “it explains why you’ve been so damn happy lately man.”
“You’ve really been dating for seven months?” John B asks with raised brows, you both simply nod in answer, “Look, I’m okay with it. Like Pope said, this is the happiest we’ve seen you in a long time.”
“Well I am not okay with this!” Kiara cuts in with a frown, “you know how I feel about her! I can’t believe you guys don’t even care.” She shoots you another glare before turning on her heel and storming off.
The boys watch her walk away for a few seconds before turning back to you, “we’ll talk to her, she’ll come around.” John B sighs and hurried after her.
“I’m happy for you guys!” Pope calls over his shoulder with a grin as he follows after his friend.
JJ lets out a huff of breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding, “that went bad, but not nearly as bad as I expected.”
“Are you kidding? She wanted to smash my face in!” You complain.
“Babe, she always wants to smash your face in.” JJ looks at you with a cheeky grin, “but at least I can do this now.”
He grabs your hips and leans forward, his lips meet yours in a slow kiss, your arms wrap around his neck and hold him close to you, “and I don’t care who sees.” He mumbles against your lips before connecting them again.
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juyeoniemyhoney · 3 years
Text
the simple things
Your country is physically incapable of snowing, much to your dismay. The closest thing you can get to snow is a copious amount of downpours. But as long as Jungkook is your boyfriend, snow in a country cursed with endless summer is not impossible anymore. 
-pairing: Jeon Jungkook x reader 
-genre: fluff, established relationship
-warnings: a few vulgarities, may be a little stupid
-word count: 2103 words 
-A/N: hey guys it’s been a while since i posted. my exams ended like two weeks ago but ive been super inactive. ive just been in this really weird place creatively. but i hope this story makes up for it. i promise im trying to be more regular with posting fics. its only november but im already in a christmas mood! HAHA but anyways, hope you like it and my requests are open! 
--------
Something that you still have yet to comprehend is why your country still refuses to snow. Living close to the equator is all sorts of disappointing, especially for a hopeless romantic like you. But seriously, living in a country that only knows how to be hot means that most of the knowledge you know about winter romances are from sappy Christmas movies and the books you seem to like more than real people. You have complained about this topic to a multitude of people, as if your excessive, outspoken frustration will miraculously make it snow, and it does not help when these people, mostly your friends, reply back every single time with, “In December, it rains more, at least it’s more cool like that.” 
New friends seem more reasonable than having to hear that sentence again. 
At least Jungkook seems to agree with you. 
Indeed, the only good thing that comes out of your country’s insufferable refusal to just fucking snow is that Jungkook, your sweet, sweet, boyfriend, has always gone out of his way to make rainy days more special than they actually are. 
Jungkook usually doesn’t have time for you. As depressing as that sounds, it is mostly true. He is crazy devoted to his job as a video director and therefore, is mostly out and about, travelling all around the country and the world to film. But on rainy days, provided he is free from his jam-packed schedule, he has made it a habit to stay at home all day and shower you with all of his pent up affection, following you around your shared apartment like a lost puppy and endlessly pressing his lips to your skin, each one as if you are water and Jungkook is a man deprived. 
Today is a little different. 
You do not wake up early much, but it seems that every time you do, you are met with all sorts of unmistakably prejudiced misfortune. Like today, you had awoken early to head to the grocer for groceries that you were running low on. However, on your way home, the clouds had darkened with impending rain, seeming to look swollen, rather than fluffy. You had tried your best to reach home before it started to rain, but of course, you didn’t make it, rain falling from the sky, the downpour gradually getting heavier and you, gradually getting more and more wet, as if the universe was flashing the biggest middle finger to your face. 
You do not expect to see Jungkook waiting for you in the lobby of your apartment complex. 
“Kook?” you ask, a little breathless and drenched from head to toe. Jungkook, still in his pyjamas, stops his anxious pacing and looks up to you with heart-wrenchingly concerned eyes as he approaches you quickly. 
“Why do you always leave the house without an umbrella?” he scolds, though his concern outweighs his anger as he swaps the towel in his hand with the three bags of groceries you are holding. 
“Don’t you have work today?” you ask, unravelling the folded towel and wrapping it around your shoulders as the two of you head towards the elevators. Jungkook’s hair is unruly and tousled, the soft strands sticking up in different areas. His eyes are barely open, as if the purple half-moons under the glittering orbs are forcing them close, desperate for just a few more minutes of sleep. And it seems like he had left the house in a hurry, because his feet are clad in his bedroom slippers. Your heart swells at the sight. 
Jungkook frowns at you as the both of you step into the elevator, saying, “What do you mean? It’s raining today.”
“Yeah, but Kook, you can’t cancel work just because it’s raining. You’re a director,” you tell him with a raise of your eyebrows. He just flashes you a grin before stepping out of the elevator and making his way to your front door, waiting patiently in front of it for you to unlock it with your free hands. 
“Relax, all I have to do today is help with editing and thanks to the amazing invention of the email, I can do it at home.” 
You want to rejoice when you hear that he will be staying at home but you are too busy studying the fluffy white that litters the entrance of your home and seems to form a trail that leads further inside. You distractedly remove your shoes and haphazardly leave them by the door as you approach the substance, quickly bending down to pick it up, only for it to crumble from between your fingers. 
Distractedly, you gesture to Jungkook behind you, flailing your free hand to garner his attention. You start speaking when he lets out a soft hum of acknowledgement. “Kook, what is this?” 
Jungkook doesn’t answer you immediately but instead makes his way further into your apartment with the groceries in one hand and your wet shoes in the other (bless his benevolence), a secret smile turning the corners of his lips up as you trail behind him. 
“What the fuck,” is your reaction when the living room reveals itself. Your tone is not one of disbelief but one of awe because your living room is filled with the fluffy, white foam and there is a now a big Christmas tree right smack in the middle of your living room. The carpet has been rolled up and put away in the corner of the room and the sofa has been pushed flush against the wall opposite the television to make room for the white foam. 
“It’s fake snow,” you hear Jungkook answer from the kitchen, the rustling of plastic muffling his voice as he puts the groceries in their respective places. You see that the dryer is now running, you suppose, with your wet shoes inside it. Your heart warms at his thoughtfulness and as you turn around to look at Jungkook, you notice a big box of Christmas ornaments, ready for the both of you to decorate your new tree with. 
“Jungkook,” you call, flashing a pout in his direction, though he doesn’t see it, too busy putting away the ramen you bought into his precious ramen drawer to spare you a glance. He just hums again, to let you know he is listening, but he doesn’t have to listen because you do not say anything. Instead, you are creeping up behind him and wrapping your arms around his waist, resting your cheek against his warm back. He doesn’t seem to mind the fact that you are still damp from the rain and just continues to pack the drawer with ramen, humming again to let you know that his attention is still on you. You feel the vibration of the hum against your cheek and the feeling warms your insides up like hot chocolate.
“When did you do this?” you ask, changing your position so that instead of your cheek, your chin rests on his back, allowing you to look at him, even though all you can see is the back of his head; the sight still elicits an adoring smile from you. 
“Well, I started after you left and I was going to make some hot chocolate but then it started raining,” he tells you, turning around a little to glance down at you, flashing you a sweet smile that causes your heart to leap in your chest. 
“Why did you do this,” you continue to interrogate him as Jungkook shuts the drawer, turning around in your arms to face you, his own arms coming around your shoulders. You rest your chin on his chest and Jungkook smiles down at you with a smile that could end world wars. 
“I know I’ve been isolating myself in my office recently. And I know how much you love snow. Plus, it’s November and I’m excited for Christmas,” Jungkook explains. He keeps his voice soft, lips stretching into an easy grin as he looks at you, gaze soft and apologetic and sweet, like his eyes are oozing with honey. You feel like your insides are a meadow in spring, flowers in full bloom, green grass, with bees and butterflies, and a warm spring breeze to finish it off. 
You flash him a grateful smile, tiptoeing so that your foreheads meet, noses brushing each other. At first, you both just simply look at each other, gazes loving and soft. “I love you so much,” is what you mutter before your lips finally meet, no hesitation, but instead, sure, with a practiced familiarity. Jungkook’s lips are as you remember, soft yet firm and he kisses you like he always seems to do on rainy days, desperate and taking, as if he is slowly drawing your heart out of your chest, before it finally falls and lands in his hands. And you allow him to take it. 
“I love you so much too,” Jungkook mutters between kisses, decidedly planting a loving peck to your nose, and then your forehead, and then both your cheeks, before finishing it off with a searing kiss to your lips. Your affection for him multiplies by a thousand and the sheer amount of it seems to shove your heart out of your chest; you can feel it in the way it strains against your ribcage with each thud and in the way it pumps hot blood to your cheeks, red, like a warning that it is choosing to jump ship and surrender itself to Jungkook. 
“Let’s go and decorate the Christmas tree,” you suggest to Jungkook, taking tentative steps backwards and in the direction of the living room. You expect Jungkook to let go of you but he holds you close to him and stays planted to the ground, unwavering. You flash him a look of confusion that elicits a small chuckle from him. 
“You have to take a warm bath first, sweetheart. Or you’ll catch a cold,” he explains, pulling you in the direction of the bathroom. He proceeds to draw you a bath, occasionally feeling the temperature of the water, not too hot and not too cold, but warm enough to rid your body of any cold symptoms. When he is satisfied, he is pressing a kiss to your lips and exiting the bathroom, gently closing the door behind him and leaving you in silence that your thoughts invade immediately.
You rid your body of your damp clothes and lower yourself into the tub, the sudden warm water and change of temperature eliciting goosebumps to the surface of your skin and you allow your thoughts to run. 
Now that you think about it, when you had first met Jungkook, he seemed standoffish and closed off, like you’d had to try for a thousand years before you could earn his trust and loyalty. For some reason, to you, Jungkook seemed too caught up with himself to care about other people, too busy to notice the small things. But when you started dating him, he was the exact opposite. Like you said, Jungkook doesn’t always have time for you. Even then, when he was still a student, he was always nose-deep in assignments and projects and his internship. But despite the fact that you don’t spend as much time with him as you’d like, Jungkook has always managed to remember the little things. Like how he know that you love winter and snow, how he knows your exact order from Starbucks and bubble tea, how he knows your favourite movies to watch, and how he always clears time to read anything new you’ve written. You know that there are a multitude of things that sustain your relationship, but you like to think that Jungkook’s unadulterated benevolence and thoughtfulness is one of the main reasons why you love him so much. 
When you emerge from the steamy bathroom, you are smelling more of lavender and vanilla and less of rainwater. Jungkook is getting ready to decorate the Christmas tree, pulling the box so that it is just under the tree and opening it to reveal the distinctive colours that are always associated with Christmas, green, red and white. 
You two immediately begin dressing the tree, and soon enough, the tree is sparkling and twinkling and beautiful. And as Jungkook places the golden star right at the top of the tree, he looks down at you and flashes you a blinding grin that you’re positive can outshine the sun every single time. And you think that even if you wanted winter to be snowy and cold, as long as Jungkook is with you, you’ll always be warm. 
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izzehz · 3 years
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tw // vent
wonder if i can vent here without anyone knowing about it,, if so that would be so cool and pog. i dont want any of my friends to see these since idk,, i just dont want them to. anyway,, if ik you pls dont read/interact this,, i dont want to deal with your questions and shit,, no offense. recently ive been struggling with my emotions with a certain friend. I’ve liked her for a bit,, i confessed to her recently, which she said she liked me too, but i dont believe her,, i just kinda feel down? she left really quickly once she did,, i think i made her really uncomfy when i confessed and i regret that. we havent really talked since then and i feel like shit. I tried to talk to her on sunday, but it was short-lived and i just,, struggled lol. I hate how ive gained these feelings for her. i feel like i ruined our entire friendship since she doesn’t really talk to me anymore. we dont have the convos we had months ago,, where we would talk for hours. and i feel like we dont since i fucking ruined it. she also texts dryly and sends short messages, which fucks with my head since that tells me that shes not interesting in talking to me. even if it isnt true, i just get insecure and turned off. ever since i started to get these feelings i just ruined everything. i wanna ask her out,, but im afraid of being in a relationship,, plus we don’t talk that much, which kinda turns me off from it. im afraid that she’ll breakup with me too really quickly, since she isn’t ready or something. which is valid, but if thats the case, i dont want to risk my feelings hurting even more. and i recently became friends with this one person,, and theyre super cool,, i can tease the fuck out of them and they can do the same to me,, but i feel like i annoy them. recently they’ve been using more puncuation and smaller and dryer messages and i feel like im just annoying them. and it sucks, since i really like and care for them. i,, just feel like ive been ruining all the friendships/relationships i have because,, im me. i so badly just want to drink alcohol and forget everything. literally everything. i just want to forget myself and become a new person. i want to leave everything behind. im so sick of having to deal with these emotions. school is so fucking hard now and i have no motivation to even continue it. i want to communicate my feelings so badly to people, but i can never do it. due to past experiences,, i just get so anxious and afraid that they’ll shut me down. maybe this is why im posting this post. so i can finally get this shit off of my chest, without, at least hoping, that none of my friends see this since i can’t actually bring it up to them lol. im such a pussy. i hate myself so much and regret every second that i live. this is getting really long lmao but oh well. ive been holding this shit in for weeks and its so strong. i so badly want to cry and just isolate myself from everyone. i want to forget everyone. watch me lose my friends, and her. god,, she has me so fucked up. i love her but,, damn it hurts too. i dont hate her or anything,, i just wish my emotions weren’t like this. theres so much more i could vent about when it comes to my feelings about her, but i wont. in case she does see this i dont want her to think she ruined my life or something. shes made it so much better,, its just the negative things are really consuming my head. if anything, ive noticed this crush is a lot like the crush i had back in 5th grade, for this boy that i loved. he was my bsf too at the time and the timing and situations are way too fucking similar. i never confessed to him tho,, which im sad i didn’t. we probably couldve had something, but i was too much of a pussy to say shit. same with him. at least i wasn’t too much of a pussy with her. but,, the one thing i was afraid of ruining back in the day might be happening now. why is this shit so hard and confusing. wish i could just never get feelings. ive talked a lot about her in this post huh,, jufejf i guess its just been bothering me recently. why do i think everyone hates me? or at least, why do i think that? its so stupid. no matter how much reassurance people give me,, my brain just refuses to believe them. my brain never fucking does. it probably will never either. im hoping that since this post is really long that this will turn people off from reading it. im so afraid of hurting the people i care about in this post,, this is probably another reason why i never vent. i dont want to hurt peoples feelings. i always manage on doing that tho. intentional or not. sorry if my grammar and structure is bad. im stupid lol. lets hope nothing goes to shit when i post this <3
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luque-moreau · 3 years
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y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories
what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???
ye
alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".
so lets just get into it:
what is adhd actually?
adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.
long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).
theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.
hyperactive type
hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)
hyperfocus type
hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.
personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different. 
so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?
well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:
raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age
lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.
social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.
raz and his borderline stupidity
time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.
i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.
empathy over sympathy
one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and
although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.
miscommunication and disconnect
sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.
alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd.  this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be   v  e  r  y   enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k
of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:
he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information. 
just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?
this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.
so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess
:^)
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honey-cro · 2 years
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i feel like in the last year and a half or so ive really practiced separating myself from that feeling of “i am only desirable if i am in a relationship or someone wants me in a romantic way”. and that’s important! i had a really unhealthy understanding of self worth, and as a huge people pleaser, i just gave and gave and almost turned myself into someone desirable by acting like whatever was needed in whatever situation, and that was. not great. and i feel like im definitely a lot better at actively CHOOSING to say what i mean to instead of whats the Most Optimal and Likable Dialogue Option. so thats all good! thats a lot of work and it was important for me to take the time and space to reconfigure my behavior in all relationships with other people
but also
i have this horrible crushing feeling that like. im getting too far away from it all. i feel like im too out of practice with the vulnerability of it. i want love so badly, i want to have that closeness again, i remember the love i have for domestic love and being with someone SO LONG that you dont hold things back in the same way you do around everyone else and they just. see you. and im so scared that im never going to get to that point again because getting to that closeness is so impossible. how do you get to know someone? how do you keep pushing and not falter and ghost when the texting is scary or you feel disconnected from everything? when you go off the deep end for a week, how do you come back and apologize? how do you get back to get to know you questions? i cant count how many times ive ruined something that could have been great. i guess thats just something thats going to happen while you learn, but i cant help but think of all of these wonderful people i would have liked to know better that i just. fucking fumbled and then couldnt text them again bc of the overwhelming guilt that consumes me when i think of them. a lot of the lasting relationships in my life has been people that continue to reach out to me despite my episodes and isolation and guilt. i dont know. its not their responsibility, you know?
i want to love. i want to love so severely, im so lonely. but how do you keep pushing? how do you not shy away when people give you a taste of every thing you day dream about? how do you handle the shakes and the messages you read ahead and plan out responses to and youre just. drafting this text for days youre so nervous? or, how do you push past the naturally uneventful beginnings? the dry texts or awkward silences or busy schedules? i feel so out of practice with love. id melt into nothingness if i was held with love again. i keep dreaming of having a nesting partner to build a home with. to caress with love and tenderness and support. but how do i make myself present? how do i not run away when given the sliver of an opportunity at a potential connection? why do i keep messing this up?
the last relationship i was in was around april/may of 2020 or so, and it was a really short one, but an impactful one for me, bc it was the first one after my long term ex whom i was REALLY entangled with for a long time. after them, i was so worried i was unlovable, and that id never have new connections bc of how i struggled to make new, strong bonds. then i was swept off my feet by a cutie that gave me all sorts of attention, everything i wanted. i found myself enamored in their energy, but bc i was so busy enjoying them, i was barely a personality. i had to really work on opening up to them, learning how to be my own person and do so LOUDLY. before i figured it out, as i was drafting a letter talking abt these difficulties, they broke up with me over text. and i just… i think of this often. i think about all of the times when i hesitated or didnt know how to be truly open when beginning to know someone, and i end up missing out on what i miss so dearly.
will i keep getting farther and farther away as time goes on? more out of practice the longer im alone? or is it truly a random chance every time you put yourself out there and shoot some type of shot, that your circumstances can line up with someone else? that you cant practice for this kind of thing?
i dont know. i feel like my odds are already quite shit. being polyam, trans and whatever else, i feel like my dating pool is already infinitesimally small. i feel like i cant afford to mess anything up, but i know im going to, i mean, no ones perfect and plenty of people are just not compatible. as much as i can process this logically, i cant help but feeling, quite dramatically, like i will be elderly before being fulfilled romantically. before i can find somebody to build something with like a long term relationship. i dont know.
another thing i think about when this is on my mind is how, when people vent about not being romantically fulfilled, they get that “you gotta be okay with being alone before being in a relationship!” and its like. guys. people can be fine by themselves, and not want something HELLA codependent or unhealthy, and just want that kind of thing because love and working together w somebody to make a fulfilling relationship is nice!!! its an okay thing to want!! its not a weakness or a showing that you cant handle being in ur own company!! when im in a relationship i still need down time by myself, im not just looking for someone to fill a void, yknow? i just. i like the work of love and domesticity and feeling like someones in ur corner and idk, just planning for the future with someone else. i like the idea of having someone that loves physical touch and feeling safe with someone like that. love is nice!!! its an experience thats okay to want and dream about!!!
anyways. im having a time and id like to be held and feel comfortable and compatible w someone again. itd be nice to have someone to crush on even!!! id settle for having a crush!!! but i digress. love is wack and id like some thanks for coming to this rambly ass ted talk
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fairycosmos · 3 years
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chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.
dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 
as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.
call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 
talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.
try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 
create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 
i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.
*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need
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rant-2-me · 3 years
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My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......
Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..
My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.
also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)
Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.
How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:
1. Be a little “gross.”
Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.
2. Eat whatever the hell you want.
This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.
Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.
3. And wear whatever you want.
Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.
On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.
4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.
In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.
Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.
5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.
I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?
It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”
6. Accept your new sleep schedule.
idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.
Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.
By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.
7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.
I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.
Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.
also, nonnie? my love?
Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.
People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.
But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.
Guide to ranting:
1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.
2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:
3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.
4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.
5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.
6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.
But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:
Ways to rant without talking to anyone
1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.
2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.
3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.
4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.
5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.
How to fight the lack of motivation.
1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.
If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.
2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.
Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.
3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?
Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.
4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.
What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?
5. Get support for creating the life you want.
Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.
6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.
Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.
7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.
They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.
8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.
Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.
9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.
Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.
10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.
Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.
okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps
and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!
take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3
—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)
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cranehusbands · 3 years
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fortune favours the broken
Crypto | Park Tae Joon/Loba Andrade; established relationship; secret relationship; post-broken ghost; formal events; alcohol tw; 1861 words
a/n: AND ITS ALL DONE. I DID THE WEEK. still kinda sad i fumbled over the past two days but!!! i wrote 7 fics in a row, and posted them, and im so proud of myself for doing just that.
wanted to flip back around and write cryptloba again for @apex-rarepairweek​ day 7, which was a free day. so i just went.. crazy stupid. i was aiming for ~2000 words for the grand finale to this wonderful week, but i wont drag out what little inspo i can gather! hope you all had as much fun this week as i did! <3
likes < reblogs, any comments in the tags are appreciated
ao3 mirror in the reblogs!
Preview: The thief twirled her keys around her finger for a moment, before sticking it into the cork guarding the top of the bottle of wine they were about to share, popping it open and pouring it into the plastic, disposable cup Crypto held, before pouring her own, and putting the bottle down on the floor beside her feet, ready for another top-up. “How romantic.” “Isn’t it just?” He held his cup up to her in a toast, to which she accepted, the two of them giggling a little at the anticlimactic clunk of plastic before taking a drink. They shared the silence for a moment, before Loba rested her head against his shoulder again, as she had done at the party, putting her free hand against his leg, smirking to himself as he tensed a little, though her expression soon softened as he did, resting his head against hers. She closed her eyes. “One day, I’ll be able to tell the world just how great of a man Taejoon Park is.” “And what will you do?” “I’ll scream it at the top of my lungs, at every chance I get.”
At the end of every season, officials held a big formal event to celebrate the achievements of the legends, and to flaunt how much money they had. Crypto never really cared for it; too loud, too many variables to consider, too high of a risk for him to get caught. But somehow, every time, he was roped into it. And somehow, he surely couldn’t imagine why, he always hated it.
  It was Rampart this time. The newest legend was all too excited, blinded by the lights and the flashy formalities that came with her golden card into the games, up to her neck in the wealth but seeming to never lose her… less-than-grateful charm that he almost enjoyed, if not for her pushiness to get him involved in the antics. But he would humour her. He’d humoured Mirage when he got here, then Wattson the season after, and then finally Loba, the newest legend before the younger Brit had arrived, who offered her hand to dance with him in one corner of the ballroom that night, despite everything that had happened that caused a strain between a once-tight group. (He should have blamed her, he should, but he took her hand and danced with her that night, and to say that he had fallen for her charms - not the charms of Loba, the thief, but Loba Andrade, the woman who had cared to check on him after the ghost was no longer broken - was an understated fact.)
  But, as always, things soon took a turn for the worst, even more so than before. Rampart and Mirage had begun arguing over something or other, Octane had caused chaos in the bathrooms (he didn’t even want to know about that), there was a commotion with the reporters that had arrived for an exclusive scoop that he hadn’t managed to catch, and all the while he had remained in one corner, a glass of wine in hand, and unlike any party before, no one had dragged him to dance. ...Well, no one like before, anyways, when he was just as isolated. Crypto stole a glance around - where was the thief anyway? He was sure he’d seen her earlier that night, arriving arm and arm with the rest of the female legends, absolutely stealing the show with her glamour and charm. But now, among the atmosphere of tension and animosity as the cracks and strains had begun to show between business partners - no, between friends - she’d disappeared into the night, as was in her job description.
“Ah, Mr. Kim?” An unfamiliar voice snapped him out of his search, if only momentarily, as he looked down to the rather short, bespeckled man, in a tatty denim jacket and a hastily put-on tie, wielding a notebook. “Apologies, I’m sure you’re enjoying yourself here… on your own… but I wanted to ask you a few questions, if you wouldn’t mind.”
And of course, he too wasn’t immune to harassment by the press. He was disappointed, but not in the least bit surprised.
The questions were just as invasive as he expected, though the reporter was nervous and stuttering over his words, staring down at his notebook in surprise at some of the things coming out of his mouth from a script, so there was some sympathy there. He was just trying to get by, working the grift, as it were - had he still had his old life, Crypto would have inclined to offer more sympathy in solidarity, but this was just pathetic.
He eventually had to excuse himself, getting more and more paranoid as the kid pressed on, quickly apologising before weaving his way through the crowd, where people got too close and for a moment he caught his breath as he felt them almost grab at him - but surely he was just imagining things, imagining his nightmares. Right? ...Right?
  The hacker pushed open the door with one hand, dragging his hand down his face as he did. He needed air, needed space. The hacker loosened the tie around his neck, no longer used to wearing them day in and day out as he had done before, in what seemed like a life so distant to him now, popping a button before heading to the balcony, a tall figure already standing there catching his eye.
Loba was pretty in any lighting, but the moonlight seemed to make her look almost divine, the light catching off of the many crystals that littered her dark red dress, lighting up the velvet as it pooled around her feet, like the blood she spilled and shed so often in the arena that she had made her home, but in a way that was… befitting of her grace. 
He didn’t say anything to her, watching her take a slow drink from her flute of champagne, staining the glass with the maroon lipstick she wore so well, dark hair cascading down her shoulders.
In fact, it was she that saw him, and spoke, and he knew the smile that played at her lips as she sparked a conversation. “Too much?”
“Ya.”
“Need a drink?”
“Please.”
Loba chuckled, handing over her half empty flute for him to take a sip out of, the fingers brushing as the glass was exchanged. She folded her arms against the railing. “Though I must say, the look suits you. Very dashing.”
He almost choked as he drank, quickly pulling the glass away from his lips and covering his mouth with the side of his fist, patting his chest with it to force the champagne down, only making her laugh a little more - it was like music, that laugh of hers, though she took far too much pleasure in embarrassing him, even when they were alone. Crypto quickly passed the glass back, which she took delicately in her hand.
  “...It was the reporters,” Loba told him, after a few beats of silence, the two of them listened to the sounds of the night, and the quiet muffled noises of the party just behind them. 
He glanced at her, thinking back to the commotion in the room. So that’s where she’d been. “You too?”
“They had the… the gaul to ask about my parents, and my relationship with that… demonio. The way he claws his way under my skin, and the way they just… eat it up, everything he’s done to me, for years, the calatorals and the nightmare. I just…” She huffed, holding her flute of champagne and twirling it a few times, lips curling a little as she scoffed. “Odio este lugar.”
He paused, watching as she tilted her head back, how her soft lips took the wine in from the glass in a single drink before bringing it back down again. He leaned in closer to her, and lowered his voice. “Daleun delo gaja.”
Loba paused, and looked over to him, and for a moment, she seemed grateful.“...Sí.”
Crypto tried his best to hold back his sigh of relief, as she looked up to him, her face softening as she put her now empty wine glass on the side of the balcony, and held her hand out to him. Her nails were perfect, rings and her signature bracelet sparkling in the moonlight of the outside, and her skin was soft as he gently took her hand, gently running a thumb over her knuckles. And, after glancing at the many glass doors of the party on the inside, he dared to kiss the back of her hand, to which she chuckled.
“My, so old fashioned.”
“Nothing wrong with the classics.” He looked up to her through his eyelashes, finding himself almost smirking at the banter as he stood up again, never letting go of her hand, though feeling it flip in his light grip to hold onto his in return.
  They shared a silent moment of serenity on the balcony together, peace from the expectations of the masses and the responsibilities on their shoulders as Apex Legends, as Loba moved in to rest her head against his shoulder, gently swaying as she took hold of his other hand. Crypto soon obliged, smiling to himself a little as they shared a solitary dance in the back of the moonlight and stars.
Crypto left the party first - no one would object to that, seeing him head out of the front door to catch a taxi back to the dropship. No one had seen Loba leave, but they didn’t pay it much mind - the girl had her buttons pushed, she needed her space. The cover they provided was perfect, as they met again in a park somewhat close but still far enough away from the gala that no one would find them, sitting side by side on a lonely bench, highlighted by a moonbeam. How poetic.
The thief twirled her keys around her finger for a moment, before sticking it into the cork guarding the top of the bottle of wine they were about to share, popping it open and pouring it into the plastic, disposable cup Crypto held, before pouring her own, and putting the bottle down on the floor beside her feet, ready for another top-up. “How romantic.”
“Isn’t it just?” He held his cup up to her in a toast, to which she accepted, the two of them giggling a little at the anticlimactic clunk of plastic before taking a drink.
They shared the silence for a moment, before Loba rested her head against his shoulder again, as she had done at the party, putting her free hand against his leg, smirking to himself as he tensed a little, though her expression soon softened as he did, resting his head against hers. She closed her eyes. “One day, I’ll be able to tell the world just how great of a man Taejoon Park is.”
“And what will you do?”
“I’ll scream it at the top of my lungs, at every chance I get.”
“We can only dream.” He moved his head to take a drink without spilling it on his shirt, sighing in an almost resigned way, before he resumed his position. “I’m tired of hiding.”
“I know, amor. I know.” Loba patted her hand against his leg, feeling her take hold of it and pull it off, interlocking her fingers between the gaps in hers. She moved her head to look at him, the moonlight casting a shadow over his tired eyes. Balancing the plastic cup of wine against the edge of the bench, the thief moved her hand to hold his face, gentle in the way she cupped his cheek as she moved in to share a soft kiss. And, perhaps pushed by the alcohol in his system, he didn’t bother to hesitate in case anyone was watching, returning the kiss and even smiling between pauses to catch his breath, face littered with lipstick kisses by the time they were done.
  They ended up finishing their bottle that night, each other’s company far better than the fancy gala and jewels and riches that came with their profession. Yes… solitude would do, for now, until they were finally free to tell the world exactly who they were.
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ladyxxdaydream · 3 years
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Of course feel free to ignore this if its stepping boundaries. And if it is im sorry!! Im processing heartbreak of my own (3 years and it ended abruptly last summer) so I feel for you when you talk about yours (though I know yours was longer, im sorry). I actually found NATA a bit after and it seriously helped me through some of the toughest times, I kid you not. And then I'll Fall did as well and then all your others lol. And through falling in love with them I fell back into this fandom and back in love with writing and back in love with loving, honestly?? Despite the pain, those stories kinda made me a romantic lol. I was so hurt (still hurt) but I dunno.. they helped me really wanna do better, get better, strive for more. They helped me not give up on love and not close myself off which I always used to do. Ahh I dunno, I just wanted to let you know that your work has been a big comfort to me. And again if I overstepped, im really sorry!
I read this hours ago, and then re-read it several times, and then sent it to two of my friends, all while crying. I am so, so touched. this is probably one of the sweetest, most amazing things anyone has ever said to me.
i’m going to put the rest of my response under a cut because its gonna be long and your vulnerability is something i want to meet equally.
listen. when i first read this... i wanted to be bitter. bitter because I’ll Fall and NATA are directly influenced by my eight marriage that just ended; those are the only two fics I’ve written that are connected to my relationship, and ironically (or maybe not lol) my most popular and well loved stories. I’ll Fall is the story of how my partner and I met -- some of those scenes are directly lifted from my life -- and so much of myself and my wife are written inside Iruka and Kakashi in NATA, chronicling how our relationship grew over time. Of course, those stories are heavily embellished and transformed into a plot but my point is... reading that they helped you not give up and love, both broke my heart and healed me all at once.
I remember when my relationship ended, NATA was not yet complete, and I had this horrible moment where I thought: “if the seed that directly inspired them ended, then they also need to end.” I LITERALLY CONTEMPLATED DIVORCING THEM. But I am not a horrible person lmaoooo and of course they are a completely different entity than my marriage -- they were inspired by each other, not one in the same.
Even though that was my first reaction to your ask, it quickly faded away. Because... I find it absolutely beautiful and so incredible that my stories made you not give up on love, and to not close yourself off, and help you move on or let go. Because while my love (and your love) ended... it doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. It existed. It was real. And it was beautiful. And then it ended. And that’s okay. Love isn’t finite. And it comes in so many forms. And every variation of it is unique and special. Love will come again. It’ll come many times. Even if it’s not in the form of a person--love is everywhere, and everything.
And you know, writing that final chapter for NATA, a few months after my break up, was actually cathartic. I thought it would feel like a lie, but it didn’t. Writing them reminded me of how beautiful love can be, and I’m really grateful for it. I, too, learned a lot from them. They also served as my coping mechanism so to speak, providing me comfort and security. And I am beyond humbled and thrilled to know it served someone else in the same way.
It’s still hard for me to even comprehend, to be honest; the fact that those two fics inspire such emotional responses from people. But I think the reason people have responded to NATA and I’ll Fall so strongly, is because I laid myself bare. All my vulnerabilities and insecurities, and flaws, and heartbreak (in i’ll fall) are written all over it, as well as my experiences with love, which i’ve been blessed with richly, despite what may have happened. People always say to write what you know, and I guess I took that very literally lmao
anyway. i hope things get easier for you, if they haven’t already. i’m... five months? post-separation and still very much raw. and i gotta say... experiencing a break up during the pandemic is extra hard and weird. our friends cant hold us while we cry. we cant go out dancing or to a bar or do anything even remotely social that might help us ease us down that river of moving on, or give us that feeling of being newly single? idk?  it makes an isolating experience even MORE isolating. and has made the finality seem less real somehow? like ... sometimes i feel like im just waiting to get back together... even though i know thats not going to happen... i dont know if thats just my experience but...fuck.
i think my only advice is just... let yourself feel it. my biggest tool is meditation and trying to stay present. my favorite set of mantras recently is very simple -- each word corresponds with an inhale / exhale:
in/out
deep/slow
calm/ease
smile/release
present moment/wonderful moment.
And this quote by Louise Erdich:
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”   
And this poem by Buddy Wakefield, which might seem like an odd thing to watch while heartbroken but shrug??? lmao it’s a tear-jerking but also a real honest show of love at it’s finest.
And music. Music has always been a balm for my soul. Or cracked me open. Sometimes I need to be cracked open. Crying is the best medicine.
Suit of Armor by Danika Smith
going thru by christian alexander
holy by jamila woods
chin up by yoke lore
conversation by lucy rose
plus a zillion more.
ANYWAY, anon. I’m here for you. And my stories will always be there for you, whenever you need them. 💖 sending all of my love!!!!!!!
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To get back what you’ve lost, even if its by force/Lets bring hell to their damn doorstep boys.
a little dark side au story not directly being a sequel to my other angst story for this au~
This is Roceit with some hints at previous Demus and Princexiety and some soft hints at platonic Loceit, and it also includes a few of my own headcanoned dark sides( that im going to try to make more content for!)
Things had been...ok for the light sides once Deciet got full settled into his new role. ‘ Self preservation’ Logan had referred to him with a calm understanding and a welcoming title. And though some things hurt for Deceit to leave behind, he began to embrace this new style of living slowly but surely with the others, especially one certain musical prince whose smile made him admittedly swoon. 
Yes Deceit would admit to himself that Roman Sanders had captured his affections, though sometimes he almost couldnt let himself believe it. Just as he almost couldnt believe the new golden and purple room he woke up in each day or the new clothes Patton and Roman had excitedly provided him.
“ It’ll look great on you Dee! I designed them myself!”
“ Its definitely a very stylin new look kiddo! And besides, you deserve some welcoming presents!” He had offered a small smile and taken the clothes with a nod, slipping back into his new room to continue settling it and redecorating it to his preference. 
Though during the next video he hesitantly appeared, relaxing when he was greeted warmly by everyone. Roman had excitedly showed off his new updated outfit and Deceit took a deep breath.
“ I well...I also had a small idea to ‘change things up’ but, you guys wouldnt like it...” His tongue flickered out briefly.
“ Aw cmon Dee dont say that! You know no matter what it is we’ll like it!”
“ But, if it makes you more comfortable, we will not push you to share.” He looked at Thomas who smiled encouragingly and let down another wall, revealing the outfit he’d put together to officially start his new life here. 
After that they had gotten closer, much closer as time went on. Deceit could almost, almost forget what and who he had left in the shadowy halls he once called home. But not completely, never completely...
He jumped when Roman placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, making him look up into loving crimson eyes. The taller side leaned down and kisses his scaled cheek as he invited Deceit to join him and the others into the living room for a movie marathon, and as their hands interlocked he couldnt have been happier...
“ aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!” 
Elsewhere there was a thud and a clatter as a glass shattered against the dark wall. The one whose head it broke mere inches from didnt flinch, even as one of the shards left a bloody cut in his cheek, bright pink eyes bored. 
“ Virgil if you keep breaking silverware we wont have any left.” He spoke in a  annoyed, uncaring voice as he wiped the blood from his skin. Virgil snarled at him in response, his eyes glowing purple and green and glowing strings tightly scattered all over the room like an intricate spiderweb. They all pulsed with a livid light, and illuminated the living room in a eerie purple cast. The others in the room had decidedly kept quiet for the time being, none of them willing to approach their furious leader having a meltdown. Though one scoffed and rolled his bright orange eyes sneering.
“ Could you throw any worse of a fucking tantrum Virgy?” Angry eyes narrowed in on him so fast with a disturbing head snap that he stiffened, feeling more strings lace around him.
“ What. did. you. say. Wrath.” The words were low and hissed, balancing into demonic sounding and he smartly shut up, backing down with a muttered “ Nothing Anxiety....Nothing at all....” Virgil growled and went back to his seethed pacing, his hood making it so only his glowing eyes were visible above his mouth. Neither Wrath nor Arrogance dared move closer, watching him pace in the middle of his web. Remus was nowhere in sight, having locked himself in his room for the past few weeks now to brood. Arrogance sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose irritated. Remus and him had been moody and snappish ever since Deceit had chosen the light sides, chosen Roman and the others over them weeks ago. And Arrogance, Aaron for short, was getting rather pissy himself about needing to walking on fucking eggshells every time he left his room. Wrath was getting angry too, no surprise there, but this was utter bullshit to him. And to Wrath, there was a simple solution. 
At least he considered it simple as his gaze drifted to the dolls tangled in the air in strings. His eyes snagged on the light blue coded Patton doll before he looked towards the other ones, like Logan’s and Roman’s trapped toys. Now however there was another in the center of his lines, a peculiar doll with a carefully, intricately designed scaled side of his face and a small velvet cape wrapped in purple. 
Finally he couldnt take it anymore and stood up from his seat, ignoring the way he himself began to get tangled. 
“ Oh for fucks sake Virgil youre getting on my nerves with this! If youre so pissy that he’s over there then just fucking bring him back already and quit your damn hissy fit!” There was silence as the two stared each other down.
“ Just...take him back huh?” 
All eyes turned towards the doorway where Remus stood, twitchy and eyes glowing. Admittedly it made Jacob nervous, Remus sounded calm and collected...something that didnt bode well with his twitching demeanor and intense stare. 
“ Can we just do that...bring Dee back home?” Virgil looked down and began pacing again, though his posture was no longer hunched and aggressive. Instead now it was straight backed and more composed. He let out a hum and they all watched him quietly as he went around, his hand reaching out and grasping the Roman doll and holding it in his grip, in an almost caring and tender way. Memories fluttered across his mind and disappeared once more, filled with visions of the new couple’s happiness...
Take him back...
“ Yes...why didnt I think of that sooner? Oh Wrath...no, Des youre brilliant when youre not mindlessly aggravated...” A twisted smile curled upon Anxiety’s lips as he gazed at the doll then looked at Deceit’s, reaching his other hand out to graze his fingers along the yellow coded doll’s cheek. 
“ I know exactly what will tempt them onward...and then I will bring him back...no, we’ll bring him back.” He looked over his shoulder at Remus, locking eyes with him as a wide crazed grin grew on Remus’s face, his pupils seeming to dilate dangerously. “ Wont we Remus?” 
“ Oh fuck yes I cant wait!!!” He tightened his grip on the doll in his hand and looked down at it with a betrayed, angry sneer.
“ Lets bring some chaos and hell to their little doors shall we boys?” 
Deceit shuddered as he got a sudden chill, making him glance around his room as he sat up. Something felt wrong to him, something he couldnt place. But nothing was wrong. The dark sides had been quiet for a few weeks now, and Thomas had only had small controlled bouts of anxiety that was easy to soothe and he had been happy and even a little more carefree than normal. Things were fine between himself and the other sides, great even when it came to his relationship with Roman. Roman...
Deceit couldn’t help the soft, dopey smile that crossed his face at the thought of the creative side. He had been nothing but kinda and affectionate since they began dating, and every day he saw him was another day Deceit felt he was on cloud 9. But he shook his head and refocused on the problem at hand, pulling on his beanie and jacket as he stepped out of his room. Nothing seemed off or even out of place. 
“ Maybe...I’m just imaging things...” He shook his head again and pulled his jacket closer to him to warm up. He decided to head for the living room, that maybe being around the others would get rid of this feeling. So he made his way, furrowing his brows at how...dim the lights seemed now. Had he been in his room longer than he thought? ‘ No...no I couldnt have been...Patton would have called me down for dinner and he hasnt yet...’ His pace quickened as he spotted the stairs and the light glowing from the bottom of them. Deceit’s body relaxed a little at the warm glow and a smile reappeared on his face.
And it quickly dropped into a worried frown as he went down the stairs and found himself back at the end of the hallway. 
He stopped and looked around confused, his surroundings not clicking in his mind. He should’ve been in the living room now. But he gazed at the hallway dotted with their bedroom doors and the stairs at the very end, warm cheerful glow still coming from the bottom. So he simply walked the hallway and hurried down the stairs again...
...only to end up back at the start of the hallway, again. 
“ What the hell...” He looked around again, this time with a pit of dread forming in his stomach. Something wasnt right. 
Why couldnt he leave the damn hallway?
He tried taking a deep breath to collect his thoughts, a tip Logan had given him in the case he ever got too upset to focus. Once he was calmer he walked slower towards the stairs. Not many sides could do something like this, and it definitely wouldnt be some kind of pranks the others would pull on him...
“ Remus I swear to god if youre doing this please cut it out!” He called into the hallway, eyes searching for any hints of the wild side. Deceit knew he loved edgier pranks, and scaring him with a prank of a ever repeating hallway in isolation felt just up his alley of thinking. He couldnt help but let out an exasperated sigh, anger fading. He couldnt stay that mad at the Remus if he was pulling a cruel prank. Honestly any reestablished contact with the other wouldve been...nice.
Deceit missed his friend, and maybe this would be his chance to heal the wounds he mightve caused by leaving and rekindle the friendship. He chuckled to himself as he stopped at the stairs.
“ Jeez....I guess Pat’s soft side is rubbing off on my more than I thought...” With that he headed down the stairs and shook his head at the beginning of the hallway.
“ Cmon Rem! I know youre probably pissy at me...and you know what? I dont blame you.” He started walking again, looking around him with a pleading look. “ But please, just come out and lets try talking again ok? Like we used to? We can spread out in my room and hell, I’ll even give you the bed spot you always fight for. Just...lets cut out the game now ok?” He got nothing but silence as an answer, and he paused.
Silence was something that was not Remus’s style, prank or not. And now his guard was up faster than a gunshot.
“....Remus? Are you there?” He looked around again, getting more and more uneasy at the silence and started walking again.
“ Arrogance if this is your idea of a joke it isnt funny! Cut your shit.” No response and once again he was back where he started. Now he was getting angry, and even a little afraid. 
It wasnt Remus, because Remus couldnt handle this kind of silence for this long even for a joke, especially when he was called out.
Arrogance wasnt one to pass up taunting his inability to escape, and on top of that he wasnt really one for pranks either. When Remus called him a stick in the mud...he wasnt exactly wrong. 
And Wrath didn’t have the patience for this kind of thing. 
His walk this time was slower and more cautious, this time when he glanced around his eyes darted to dark corners too. The pit in his stomach grew and worsened as he made it to the stairs again and looked down them. He could even see the damn landing, washed in light. He hurried down again and almost yelled in frustration as he ended up at the beginning again. It took everything in him not to freak out.
“ Patton!?” No answer.
“ Logan??! Can you hear me??” No response.
“ R-roman!!!!” Nothing. 
No he was starting to panic, but he forced himself not to let it consume him. That feeling felt too familiar and he ran down the hallway.
“ Virgil if this is you’re doing stop it!! This isnt funny!!” Still no response and he repeated the loop a few more times. He opeed his bedroom door and saw it was just as he left it, but simply staying in there now almost felt...bad, like he’d been cornering himself. And trying the others doors did nothing, because either they were uncommonly locked or simply wouldnt budge. His breath hitched and hissed through his teeth faster as he run down again, this time tripping and hitting the carpeted floor with a dull thud. 
“ owwwowowowowwww....” He pushed himself onto his knees, eyes squinting in pain and a little dazed. For a moment he thought he saw a tall figure blocking the stair’s light and he shot up to his feet, groaning in absolute frustration when no one was there. He took a few steps and stopped, looking down at the floor when his foot stepped on something. One the floor was Roman’s crimson sash, and with gentle hands he picked it up and held it tenderly. The soft scent that drifted off it relaxed him, and made him smile as he looked down at it, rubbing the fabric between his fingers. Looking at it he finally took another deep breath and tried thinking more clearly, his eyes shutting briefly. 
But because his eyes were shut he didnt notice purple glowing strings drip from the corners and behind him, silently creeping closer and surrounding him. When he finally opened his eyes and noticed the glow his eyes went wide in fear and the sound of footsteps on the stairs made him whip around. Though he only had time to partially shout as strings wrapped around him firmly and entangled him to the point he could barely fight back, strings around his through silencing his voice. He looked up at the hooded figure gripping and manipulating the strings like a puppet player, a cruel evil smirk on his face as his eyes glowed. 
“Well well now Deceit. You really shouldve know better...” The world began to darken and he felt Roman’s sash slip out of his fingers vaguely noticing his beanie fall off his head when he was moved closer to Virgil. Virgil’s eyes narrowed and his smirk widened as Deceit’s eyes began to fell shut, nothing but purple in his fading vision.
“ You really shouldn’t have tried to leave.” 
There was nothing but silence upstairs as Patton, dusting off his polo in a small huff from dealing with Arrogance and Remus making a chaotic mess in the living room before leaving as suddenly as they appeared, walked to the stairs landing and looked up to the dark hallway.
“ Dee! Kiddo dinner is ready! Come on down we dont want to start without you!” His head tilted and his brows furrowed in concern when he got no answer, his voice drifting and echoing around the hallway.
“ Kiddo? Can you hear me up there? You ok?” He put his foot on the first step as his voice echoed again.
“ Deceit?”
And echoed right over the old red silk sash and dark grey beanie that lay in the middle of the carpet, not a person nor side in sight.
Tadaa! Thats the end(for now) I hope you guys like it!!
Taglist
@phantommoonpeople @sweetsweetemo @leesacrakon @amazable01
@sugarglider9603 im tagging you in this so you could maybe ready it! I hope you like it and the angst!
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crackcrocs · 3 years
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DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #9
This is to narcissistic mothers/ parents & anyone who is willing to understand.
(Written by me-for and through the lens of my dear friend, i wish you nothing but freedom from her chains. i wish you TLC)
Their ability to make everyone think they’re loving parents.
Their ability to make their kids believe that abuse is normal.
Their ability to make you believe you owe them everything.
Their ability to make themselves believe that they are right.
Their ability to turn the tables and make you believe that it was your fault.
All of this rings so true.
They do make you feel crazy; they suck the energy and ability to reason logically right out of you- and, by very nature of their narcissism, it never occurs to them that *they* might be the problem.
You can’t expect a relationship to happen with someone highly dysfunctional. how do you stoop down to the level of someone who aside from work & put all energy into keeping up an appearance can only abuse substance, speak to empty friends & post garbage.
In truth, I think the alcoholism is a symptom of her larger mental illness or narcissistic personality disorder- but it’s no excuse. Her parenting is unreliable, inconsistent, and unpredictable. There never is a sense of safety and consistency, allowing me to thrive.
I’m told to forgive & keep peace & ignore all your craziness. All the advice I've been getting on dealing with a narcissistic mother has been saying to avoid her as much as possible, or to try communicate & ‘keep peace’ as if I haven’t tried to communicate, as if I’m purposely singling her out from our already empty relationship. Well now I'm stuck at home all day, or every household or friend I bring over, she decides to involve. So much for distancing myself.  The worst part is she isn't even doing it herself, she just sits around watching tv, having friends over & phoning everyone while Im expected to clean up after her and "contribute" to the family/ financially support my self for college.
- Yes, absolutely, I am the crazy one. You know what, I’m not even going to deny it, I probably have a ton of issues, most of them mental. But guess where they came from? Guess who made those problems worse and maybe even helped create them? No mom, you’re not to blame for everything or the “war in Iraq” as you so eloquently put it. But you are to blame for some it, at the very least. it’s time to take account & I will no longer be made to feel like the obligated for for an entitled narc.
I feel your claws sinking in less and less.  You no longer have me in chains, I will break free from your emotional bondage even if it takes me seeming boring & silencing myself around you to not endure & tolerate your nonsense. Your words no longer fill me with despair like they once did.
This year long cold shoulder would have once filled me with anxiety but now all I feel is bliss. I no longer feel jealous when others talk about their seemingly perfect parents because I may not have that luxury but what I do have is a chance to be a "perfect parent" myself potentially one day. To be everything you couldn't and wouldn't somewhere far away and isolated from your poison.
I wonder how you feel...  but I simply can’t understand or pretend to care anymore. I’m tired of putting energy into a source that doesn’t put out. When children don't talk to you unless prompted- it’s because there is nothing to be said after the plenty opportunities given to converse truly & openly.
No I don’t want to speak to your 9th friend on the phone today again about surface level things just to please you. No I don’t want to come socialise with your drunk friends & be spoken to like a child
When you have to tell yet another lie to yet another friend to mask the evidence of a broken home When you look in the mirror and only see insecurities When you realise there's no one around you and can't figure out why When you tear down someone close yet again, to feel good about yourself  I wonder how you feel, I wonder if you feel, I wonder if you can...
my mom pushes me away but doesnt wanna let me leave. she doesn’t want to take into account that she pushed me to this extent. part of growth is being able to communicate your emotions properly. how can a whole 43 year old be unable to do so? I Vocalize when I’m not okay with something. Communication helps people avoid being uncomfortable, easily triggered, hostile, or passive aggressive with people. her communication is one sided and I’m the only one who gets to listen while she’s the only one who gets to talk, otherwise I’m ‘answering back’ or ‘telling a woman what to do’ even though I talk sense and out of respect in my responses or when I do try speak.
Worse yet I have to go BACK to the emotionally abusive situation that I basically fled.
What really bugs me is when you’ve given someone so many chances to do better and change. But then once you get tired of their antics, you try to move on and they continually try to reel you back in. Not even trying to change, but instead *trying* to reel you back in for their benefit. It’s unhealthy and traumatizing to say the least.
I guess i should be glad your swinging moods and emotions taught me to manage mine from young. I should be glad that I had to teach myself not to care about what you said to me and what you thought about me. I should be overjoyed that the side effect was me not caring about what anyone said or thought and basically becoming an inert emotionless void. I should be thankful that I always look fine even when I’m in pain and feeling like death and I’m capable of putting up with things that would send any sane person off the edge.
relationships are so much healthier when the goal is to experience life together and not to try to make the person into who you want them to be or to make them do what you want them to do. In my case my mother has de masculated me over the years making me soft and obedient, for her own selfish gain of having a man worship her. she decided since she doesn’t have a man, or never managed to find someone stay at home that’s he truly connected to, she’s decided the man that’s going to worship her will be me- her son. Since I resemble my father who she was in love with, she will always talk bad on me as she resents my father for not wanting her.
through gaslighting me over the years, it’s become harder to speak up, I even feel embarrassed to tell my dad even though that’s probably the only thing that will make her open her eyes and get clean. my pot is boiling though. Independence is obviously healthy but when it gets to the point where i find it challenging to actually be able to even admit that i might need assistance in this situation,  problems arise. And for what? Why I’m I protecting her image? I’ve been taught to & I’m a respectable young man who won’t take joy from her exposure, but I don’t take joy from preserving information & keeping it all inside to deal with myself. I’ve become so hard on myself and still pushing through-it’s not easy, people still expect me to be a super heroe all the time. I have a hard time opening up, allowing people to help me in whatever I’m doing. I hate even admitting I need help most times. I wish I’d been taught early what my mother learned late, thankfully I was observant, self taught & still willing to learn- thankfully I’m not a follower & I know right from wrong.
The worst part about looking at the future and trying to imagine it full of hope, light and emotional health is knowing that you'll always have the scars. Emotional abusers aren't supposed to leave scars but mine managed to. And in my mother's usual style it can even be passed off as unintentional. In my case it was actually supposed to a kind act which ended badly in the way that only events in my life can seem to end.
All the phone calls to your friends, you continuously fake talk about me on a nonexistent relationship. it’s sad how you need to phone 100 people in a day and can only hold the same surface level chats. I wonder if you can grip the fact that nobody ever wants to help you with anything. you’re lucky they even listen and you’re lucky they only know your side of the story every time. you’re a great potter & can mould situations.
It’s sad that if you sense the slightest hint that people do not approve of your estrangement and they are not going to be there for your nonsense, you stir the pot and involve and buss peoples names, further spinning your web of lies.
All the pity you came to relish over the years as single mother warrior extraordinaire would simply dry up. Any attempts to paint me, your only child in a negative light would seem simply monstrous if I exposed you, but I maintain respect, bite my tongue & hold my head up because my real mother figure taught me that.
But really you have to keep up the pretense to your friends, that I was an insubordinate, ungrateful bitch of a problem child and you were a glorious brave single mother at her wits end just trying to make things work. even with the mural I painted, you forced me to mention the single mother narrative; as if that had anything to do with my art piece. I mean how selfish can you be? the art peace was to represent Sheku Bayou & the BLM movement, I didn’t even want to put my real name- I wanted to put my instagram page associated with my art because business is business and personal is personal. but to toot your horn, I added a whole separate paragraph because you wanted your name to be connected to my art piece as though I’m some sort of celebrity and it was my claim to fame. the single mother narrative is bullshit, I know tonnes of single african parents that know how to step up when it’s time to be a mother, but that’s something you’ve never known how to do. I remember you drunk the day I came here and I will never forget the words ‘I will drink myself to death if I want to’ I don’t have sympathy anymore and I’m not a saviour, I have tried and tried through hiding alcohol, attempting to converse & get her to cut down; but you can only bring a horse to the water not to drink it. how is a teenager meant to know how to stop an alcoholic junkie? I’m her son you say? If she truly cared and wanted to fix up, I would be one thing to stop her I thought.
my mother is an alcoholic. an addict. she refuses to wear those labels, but this has far exceeded the occasional ‘binge’ ‘sesh’ or ‘Prosecco party’ .Throughout middle school and high school, I would guess that half or so of the days out of the year she spent in a wine haze. Even my constant begging her to stop drinking did not stop it. Pouring her wine down the drain or hiding it made her angry and transitioned to mental and phsyical abuse. She became increasingly angry and I aged and entered high school but she was always this way since I came really. It was during this time that I would lock the doors to my room and try to hide from her in there. I still barricade my room door to this day just for my own peace. Despite all the horrendous things she did, every once in a while she did give me money, and this gets dangled over my head RELENTLESSLY... as if money buys love.
I needed to get some outside reassurance that I'm sane. Thankfully now I know and all I can do is try stay in my lane, can’t argue with a supposed adult with a brain that resembles a wall or a child.
People who were emotionally abused have spent far too long defending themselves. Justifying their own feelings. Trying to make others see and understand what they went through is a task. Abusive parents are very good at manipulating. that’s why I have ceased contact with this toxic person, i do not owe anyone an explanation.Doesn’t matter if they are a family member or close family friend. Doesn’t matter if they are a friend or acquaintance of yours. I’ve learned just to be boring , save everything interesting and beautiful about myself for those who deserve it.
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rainywritingsx · 4 years
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Request: Can I get a bnha matchup please? ;u; I'm a transman, 165 cm, 20 and bi/pan with no gender preference. I'm usually quiet/reserved, monotone/boring when spoken to, but once a subject of interest is brought up, or when im with someone I'm comfy with, my personality does a 180 - I'm loud, sarcastic, and annoying. My sense of humor is all over the place lol Ive been told that I'm "old in spirit" bc I'm really mature when I need to be, even if most of the time I act like I'm 5 lmaoo
I'm pretty chill for the most part, idc what u do as long as it's not hurting anybodyhdjdh im also rlly stubborn but a huge pushover, dunno how that works. I'm both carefree and a worrywart (to both others and myself) and I typically hold my emotions in cause I don't wanna bother others. I try to help others 24/7, even if it affects me negatively. Uhh physically speaking im a lot stronger then look, and I own literally no nice clothes lol its all graphic Ts, cargo pants and hoodies for me
I'm a huge ass nerd when it comes to anything science related, especially paleontology + herpetology. I love all animals (no phobias) and I have 3 snakes whom I adore. I also like to draw and write occasionally. I have severe MDD and SAD, so even with meds I can have really bad depressive episodes and/or panic attacks. This is getting super long so I'll stop now fjfkh thank you !! Sorry if I repeated info I got a shit memory
Before I start, I personally have no experience with MDD or SAD, but I did look up both disorders and I hope that what I wrote about them is okay. If you’d like to correct me, please feel free to do so ^^ 
I’m sorry that this is so long lol, but I wanted to discuss as many things you noted as possible ^^ Hope you enjoy it!! ^^
Reminder that as of right now, requests are closed!
I ship you wiiiith
Hawks!
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Your personality reminds me of a rainbow in a way? So, I feel like Hawks would never ever find a day boring with you! Since he has this whole thing of people calling him fast etc, I lowkey get the idea that that also applies to his personal relationships, so having someone with so many fun personality traits is perfect for him.
I think Hawks is mature in a way, just like you are. I mean, he started his own agency at 18 and a few years later he is the number 3 Hero, that definitely does something to you. So I think it’s nice to him that you are the same, while also remaining carefree most of the time. It makes his busy and serious life a bit more fun.
Your chill attitude is yet another thing Hawks loves, since he wants to be that way as well. Also, with his job, he most likely can’t always tell you everything about it for safety reasons. As for whether it’s hurting people… He can’t always promise you he won’t do that, but he will let you know it’s always with good intentions. Villains can’t always be defeated with just talking to them.
It kind of warms his heart when you are worried about him. I don’t think Hawks is really the type to fall in love easily, so if he had any relationships before meeting you they may not always have been genuine. While part of him likes it, he also doesn’t want you to worry. He always promises to come back, and it does make him a bit more careful when patrolling, because the last thing he wants to do is upset his wonderful boyfriend.
Now, when it comes to you keeping in your emotions, this is where it gets a bit difficult. I don’t know exactly how much time you two will be able to spend together, so he may not always be able to be there for you when you’re having a hard time. However, while Hawks appears to be chill, he’s also smart and analytic and notices when you are feeling down. He won’t force you to tell him what is wrong as he knows it’s hard for you, but he does reassure you that you’d never ever bother him and he will always listen to whatever you have to say. However, if it seems to go on for a long time, he might push you a bit more, simply because he knows keeping it in won’t do any good. But also here he can tell when it really gets too much, so if you still won’t tell him, he will be a little hurt, but definitely stop.
He thinks you’re the sweetest person ever, but he also worries about your well-being at times. If he sees you absolutely exhausted but still telling him everything is fine, he will just scoop you up and go somewhere so you can relax for a bit. Sorry not sorry :p
He thinks it’s kinda hot that you’re stronger than you may seem heh, like if you work out or just do something that requires strength and he sees it, he might make a flirty remark about it and appear chill but on the inside he lowkey panics because uhm what how is his boyfriend so attractive???? explain?
I don’t think Hawks cares that much about what you wear really, if you feel comfortable in it that’s all that matters. You could literally wear a potato sack and he will think you’re the most attractive person on the planet. He might even spoil you a little by buying you hoodies and other clothing which he knows you would love. And no, he won’t let you give it back, it’s yours.
I can’t really see Hawks being super interested in paleontology or herpetology, but he won’t mind you rambling about those things to him! While he might not always focus 100% on what you’re actually saying, he will study your face, smiling at how your eyes are lighting up and your lips are curled in a happy smile as you go on and on about it. If you catch him not listening to you, he will just make a remark related to your beauty, partly to see how you react and partly because he genuinely means it.
So you love animals? Bird boi is perfect for you, now he sees why you fell for him ;). He definitely likes birds, i don’t think he particularly adores any animals but I can see him strongly disliking some mammals like cats and dogs (I think these sometimes eat birds sooooo yeah..) He definitely thinks your snakes are pretty cool.
Hawks doesn’t seem like much of a reader, but he would definitely love to see your drawings! He thinks every single one of them is super awesome, and if you ever give one to him, he will definitely make sure it gets a special place in his house, a place where he can look at it easily whenever he misses you or just feels like it.
As for your MDD and SAD, at first Hawks will be clueless on how he can help you out. If you have a depressive episode that causes you to isolate yourself, he will definitely force you to go outside. It could be just walking to his place, or taking you on a nice flight at night over the city. Afterwards, he will bring you to your favourite restaurant or buy you food that he knows you love. You will also definitely be showered in lots of love and affection. If you’re uncomfortable with PDA however, he will only do it when you two are alone. He will also joke around and flirt with you just to see you smile, but if he sees it doesn’t help he will stop.
Same goes with your anxiety attacks, at first he’s completely lost on what to do. Hawks isn’t stupid of course, but he’s aware that every person is different. If he finds out about this before you have an attack, he will ask you what would help you in situations like that. However, if this happens without him knowing about it at all, he can recognise what’s happening and will do his best to get you to calm down first before talking about it with you. Hawks may not always seem like the most serious guy, but when it comes to you he’s dead serious and always careful. 
So, you’d be very lucky to have someone like him by your side :) Once Hawks is in a relationship, he will give his all. And any moment with him is definitely far from boring
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nebucat · 4 years
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i’m very empathetic. i know i am
i’m able to easily imagine another’s perspective and how i would feel if i were in their position, and if i don’t right away then i try my best to do so
the issue was that i could see their perspective, i could understand where they were coming from, but i knew their perspective was skewed by insecurities and that they were too wrapped up in it and stubborn to think critically or have faith in me.
i didn’t... want to validate those insecurities, or i guess i didn’t want to reinforce that sort of thinking. i wanted to help them out of it! but i guess i just... didn’t know how. i didn’t know how to reassure them besides explaining my perspective. i didn’t want to just dismiss how they were feeling! i payed far more attention than they realized. to the point that i immediately understood the problem and felt how they were feeling because i’ve been there before. in some ways, i still am. feeling replaceable or insecure. and i know thats just what it is. i know insecurity obscures our vision. and it made me uncomfortable because the fact i knew it wasn’t true. the accusations of ‘ignoring’ them or losing interest in our writings was not true. but i didn’t know how else to tell them that.
especially because i shrink so much under accusations. my knee-jerk reflex is to accept fault for something as a fawner. the number of times i rolled over for them didn’t help my mental state because i genuinely did let myself be convinced of the things they were telling me. that i ignore them. that i’m dismissive. that i’m inconsiderate. and i am trying to unlearn all of that shit that got ingrained in my head. and it didnt... help either? that they would guilt trip me when i did try to share my perspective, only reinforcing the insecurities.
it was never... enough. i was never enough. i could never make them happy and there was always something i was getting criticized for. no matter what i did, now matter how hard i tried, i was ALWAYS doing something wrong. and they would rub it in my face with their cruel, vindictive comments.
‘if only you payed more attention’
‘you don’t want to disappoint your cool new friends’
‘you’d rather disappoint me than them’
‘you want to stop being as important to each other? fine. i’ll start giving you as equal amount of attention as i do everyone else. you want me to give you reassurance for things i’m not even aware of? ok. i’ll start showering you in those meaningless compliments everyone else throws around in this rpc’ 
‘it’s hard to care about setting off your anxiety when you clearly don’t care about setting off mine’
and i... i wanted to move IN with this person. i wanted a relationship with them!!! i genuinely saw a future with them. because i thought they were changing. i thought they cared. i thought they loved me back.... i wanted to be with them so badly and yet this person was so cruel to me. i was so naive to believe that was what real love looked like.
i don’t even want to think about what could have happened if i stayed. if i continued down that path with them. if i actually did move in with them. i was already so isolated from everyone in our community with them. but i would have been even more isolated if i moved in with them and i would have had no way to escape. thinking about it makes me so nauseous and freaked out.
im so fucking glad i left. i’m so thankful for the friends who helped me get out before it was too late. that week before shit hit the fan, i was such a fucking wreck. i was starving myself because trying to eat made me throw up, having anxiety induced nightmares and was crying literally every single day multiple times, pacing up and down the street at night trying to talk myself down and reason with myself, sleeping all the time because i’d rather be unconscious than awake. i wanted to die. i really wanted to fucking die. it was like highschool all over again. and seeing them groom another person and treat them the same way they treated me when WE first met... seeing how much they praised that person and flattered them and gave them so much positive attention, yet knowing how abusive and neglectful they’d been to me...
i was convinced i was a broken person. i remember saying that to myself, “i’m broken. i’m so broken” as i cried and cried and cried. they didn’t make me feel loved or safe. they made me feel broken.
and thats what narcissistic abuse is. they’ll appeal to you with sweet talk and praise and attention, shower you in compliments and make you feel like the most special person in the world. and once they have their hooks in you, they’ll slowly break you down and groom you into tolerating the abuse. the guilt trips. the manipulation and gaslights. they’ll provoke you to get you to fight with them so they can pick apart everything you say and poke holes in you in order to garner control over you. they’ll humiliate and use hostile humor to tease you in public spaces in order to keep you off balance and install shame inside you.
they do this because they need their narcissistic supply. it doesnt matter if its positive validation or negative validation, they do this because theyre deeply insecure to the core and have to depend on external validation in order to feel anything. and because they’re living in their own delusional reality, they think this is NORMAL and OKAY and that they aren’t wrong for acting like this. a narcissist can never be wrong and will NEVER hold them self accountable for their actions without dragging others down with them.
even the last MESSAGE this person sent me just goes to show they literally are incapable of holding themself accountable for anything. they’ll only apologize to convince you to give them another chance. and thats what that note was--- an attempt to convince me otherwise. but their actions speak louder than the sweet talk and sob stories. and i knew this for certain when i confronted them after calling the police for the suicide baiting. they denied it was a manipulation tactic and had the gall to shame ME for getting worried about them! LMAO. “i’m sorry YOU felt that way” “i’m sorry YOU felt pressured”. not a single apology for literally trying to manipulate me. not a single apology for being the one to use their suicidal idealization to keep me tethered for so long. because narcissists can’t hold themself accountable and will find any reason not to.
i used to have narcissistic behaviors. sometimes i still catch myself falling into old toxic patterns. but i KNOW i’m not narcissistic. i have empathy, i AM considerate and kind, i TAKE accountability for my actions without using self deprecation or excuses, and nothing good and nice i tell people is fake or forced. i have so much love in my heart for people and i’m proud of myself for how far i’ve come and how hard i work to grow and better myself.
so i guess there is one thing i can thank them for. for getting me to fall in love and realize how much i truly have to give. i’m going to invest that love in the people who actually love and respect me, and respect my feelings. and continue working on myself for the benefit of my and those around me.
and who knows, maybe one day i’ll find someone as funny and charming who’ll treat me better. someone i can share as much of myself with as i did with them, who wont take me for granted. until then, i just want to learn to be content with myself.
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