#every day i will show you that you're a gift that i deserve (verse 01; feat universeofmuses) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trcstme · 7 months

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@universeofmuses

It's strange to try and settle into a life that isn't one's own. Even though, technically, it is. This is her life. This is the life that Sarah Walker built for herself. She just doesn't fit into it anymore. Because it fit a different version of her. A Sarah that she's not sure how to be anymore. Which is frustrating because all she wants to do is know how to fit back into this place. She wants it all to snap into place like the final piece of a puzzle. But it won't. At least, it hasn't yet.

And everyone seems to be waiting for her to just be that person again. To strike gold with her memories and recall the life she left behind. Even though it doesn't work like that. It's hard most of all to look at Chuck because she knows he's waiting on it the most. He lost the love of his life, the woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with. She feels like a stranger in his bed. She feels like he's putting his love in a place it doesn't belong.

Sometimes, on nights like these, she wonders if he actually loves her. Because she's not the same person he fell in love with. She's closer to the Sarah she was five years ago, before she ever set foot in Burbank, but she's still not the exact same. So she wonders how he can look at her the same.

She tries to do her research, she thinks it might actually do her some good. Maybe it'll jog her memory and put thinks back where they belong. She hasn't had any luck with it yet, though. Everything is just as screwed up as it already has been.

And it's a weight she doesn't wear well. She puts on her brave face and she acts like everything is fine. Because she can't let the optimism slip, then they'll be dead in the water. But she slips out of his bed every night and she finds herself in the living room. Sometimes with a glass of wine, sometimes not. And she uses it as her time to research in secret. She's frequently gone back to Jeff's rehearsal dinner video.

Tonight is a wine kind of night. After lying in bed beside Chuck for long enough that she's sure he's out like a light, she could use a glass (or three). Tonight is also a photo album kind of night. She thinks these are the best test. It's like flash cards, kind of. She stares at the photos, studies them in excruciating detail, and tries to place a memory to the moment. Her pass/fail rate is really a pathetic thing.

She usually spends a few hours out here. Figuring she should make full use of her opportunities to further kick herself while she's down. And then she slips back into bed about an hour or so before Chuck's alarm goes off. She takes a power nap if she can even manage to relax enough to fall asleep.

Tonight is atypical, though. Tonight she doesn't get to truly partake in her little ritual. Because she's a third of the way through the album, and at the start of her second glass, when she notices Chuck standing behind the couch.

"I thought you were asleep."

#universeofmuses #every day i will show you that you're a gift that i deserve (verse 01; feat universeofmuses)#tw: memory loss #tw: alcohol

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