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#even when i almost get back to the disordered eating im so tired that I can't do it 😭 like counting cals is a nightmare
pinkcherryblossomangel · 6 months
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Away from myself
Chapter 2
- it's eight months after the last chapter
- it's seven months since Y/N saw some nasty responses to rumours
- it's six months since she started spiralling
- five months since she stopped replying to his text
- four months since she stopped reading them
- three months since he stopped messaging
- two months since she stopped sleeping properly
- one day till she has to see him again.
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Starring
Bang Chan
Y/N
Han
Changbin
€€€€€€€€€€€€
Trigger warnings
Depression
Eating disorders
Body issues
Anxiety
Self-hatred
General poor mental health
Online hate
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I wipe away my tears with my sleeve. Im gonna have to lie through my teeth.
"Sorry I've been watching..."
"About time?" He questions, a sense of familiarity lacing his voice. Of course he remembers my favourite film, we watched it three days in a row when we had a week off. Its a sense of comfort in a rushed world.
Enjoy every moment as if you've travelled back in time to savour this moment again.
His face looks different. Tired. Like when I first met him. By the last day on set he looked like a new man. Said sleeping beside me almost everynight helped lull him to sleep.
That's all we did. sleep. Never anything more. As much as I want to...wanted to. I can't cross that line. I know myself, I know I'd never be able to let him go. And he deserves better.
I'm suddenly acutely aware that we're standing in my doorway, and have been for way longer than is normal.
"Yes" I say, finally confirming the film. "Come in", I gesture to the couch "let's sit".
I sit down first, he goes to sit right next to me but changes direction to the other end of the couch.
An awkward silence fills the room.
Both our eyes avoiding each other.
I suddenly have become fascinated in the light fixture on the ceiling it seems.
My hands have become clammy and my chest has gone tight. I need to look at him. I try to steal a glance and turn to look at him, he looks at me too.
"Y/N", I look away, but he cups my face before I fully turn. I lean into his hand. It's like it was made to fit my face. I can't look at him, the tremble in his voice when he said my name proves what I already know. I've hurt this man. Hurt him so bad and yet he still has hope in us.
In me.
"Y/N, please look at me." I shut my eyes even harder, till I start seeing stars. "Please. You broke my heart you at least owe me this." My eyes errupt, tears streaming down my face. Every apologetic cliche spilling from my lips. His hands firmly grip my shoulders. He knows a panic attack is brewing. He shouldn't have to know. He shouldn't have to deal with this. With me.
"It's okay Y/N. Do you want me to hold you?" His voice honeyed and calm. "I can be your weighted blanket" He says trying to lighten the mood. I nod so hard I think my head will fall off, and climb into his lap. My head falls onto his chest. His arms wrap around me tightly, but not tight enough.
"Tighter" I say. He squeezes me till there's no gap between us. If you found us buried like this, you'd have a hard time deciphering which bone went where.
Eventually my breathing evens out. My pulse levels. My head feels less heavy.
I need to be brave.
I look up at him. His mouth's curved into a gentle smile. His eyes filled with love. His hand caressing my hair.
"You deserve more than me," the confession takes both of us aback. I don't remember choosing to say that. His brows furrow, his smile drops.
"What?" He moves so he can see my face. His eyes widen and lips press into a line.
"You deserve more than me" this time It's a conscious choice. Let's rip the band aid off. Be brave. "It's why I stopped responding. I thought it would be the easier way of ending whatever it was we were." I climb of off him, sitting back on the couch where I was before. His hands clench in unison with his jaw. His gaze transfixed on the floor.
Forever stretches between us before he answers.
"You don't get to do that. You don't get to be the martyr." His eyes still fixed on the floor. "You don't get to choose who I love. Who deserves my love." He lifts his head up but he can't meet my eyes. With a huff he lifts himself from the couch. "I thought I'd fucked up. I thought I was being too clingy..." he paces around my room, still not looking at me. "I thought I'd taken things too far, pushed you too far. I had Han and Changbin comforting me because I thought I had hurt you..." He doesn't raise his voice once. He just speaks his truth. "The guilt I felt"
"I'm sorry" the tears have started falling again. "It's just... my brain the way it works..." I don't know how to end this sentence. What do I say. "I didn't think you'd care if I just didn't respond. If you never saw me again." He quickly turns to face me. His face contorted with confusion. "I just... fuck I don't know how to say this. I don't know how to be honest"
"Just say it Y/N. Even if you think it doesn't make sense, let me try to understand. Please" His voice cracks, his words entwined with what sounds like desperation.
My hands cover my face, I can't look at him and say this. Pretend he's not here. I'm alone in my bedroom at home talking to myself as usual. What would I tell Chris if I knew there were no consequences. Just say it, it can't get any worse than I've already made it.
"I saw a tweet. A few tweets actually. Someone had spotted us that night we went to the karaoke bar. On our way there with your arm around me. It was actually a really cute picture." I exhale out my nose, trying to take the sting out of what I'm about say. "The replies weren't very nice." I sense chan move nearer to me, his hand fall to my knees. I flinch slightly from the sensation. I think he's crouching down in front of me. "Nothing I hadn't already said about myself. Nothing I hadn't heard before in real life. But they were confirming everything. I wasn't good enough for you. I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or famous enough." Every sentence adding to my building frustration. "If I was given a quid for every time I had read people comparing me to different fat animals, I'd be fucking loaded" I laugh. I have to, otherwise it'll break me even more. "I didn't want you to read them and..."
I don't want him to see what people say and agree.
I don't want him to be embarrassed by me.
I don't want him to regret being seen with me.
"I know I shouldn't have made the choice for you. I shouldn't have thought I know what's best for you, but I...I..." I take a deep breath. Be brave "I didn't want you to read them and realise they were right. And then I just spiralled further and further into this hole of self hatred. And I couldn't find a way out of it so I just ignored you." It all rushes out of me, my tongue getting tied every few words.
Silence
His hands find their way up to mine, and Chris moves them from my face, tucks his finger under my chin, and lifts it up so im looking at him. Our eyes meet, our breath in sync. He scans my face, like he's looking at something he can't quite believe exists, and then gently swipes his thumb across my cheek and cups my faces. I lean into him.
"How could I ever not want you?" We're both still, our eyes locked together. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. The bravest person I have ever met. God knows if I could meet with vulnerability half as well as you can I would be the greatest lyricist know to mankind." He smiles
"You are already" I managed to say through sobs, smiling back at him. His eyes turn to crescents. I've missed that smile.
"I mean to be honest the songs I've written about you recently have been pretty good." He says half laughing
"You wrote about me?" My eyes widen, and I wipe the wetness off my face. I must be a right sight.
"Of course I did. I haven't been able to stop." He brushes my hair out of my face. "I've found a great muse in you. The way you make me feel is... safe. At home."
"I feel the same." I reply. His grin painting his face once more. I place my hand on his cheek. "I just need to work on myself. I can't accept your love before I accept my own. If you get what I mean." His smile slowly fades, but his eyes are filled with admiration. He leans in and kisses my forehead.
"I know what you mean." He pauses "but would you do me the honour of sharing that journey with you? We don't have to be anything official. I just... I wanna be here for you. I don't want you to isolate yourself again."
"I didn't isolate..."
"I spoke to Tash and Jenna. Well they spoke to me. They reached out because you weren't responding. It's okay I'm sure they'll understand" He must've seen me realise I'm gonna have to explain myself to 3 more people. "How can anyone stay made at you" His face is once again completed with his smile.
"I want you there with me. On this path to self love." I pause "I think I may have out done myself with the cringey metaphors" I laugh.
I stand up from the couch, and Chris follows suit. He's taller than me which is strange, so I look down.
"Nice heels" I snark. I'm usually almost 2 inches taller than him. He chuckles, whilst wrapping me in his arms.
"Breaking them in for tomorrow", he smells the same. I feel every tension in my body slowly dissipate as a breathe him in.
"I've missed you" I say into his neck. He hugs back harder in response.
"Y/N!!! I GOT US FACE MASKS!!" My mum yells from my door. I break from chris' embrace. He looks almost scared by the sudden yelling.
"That's my mum. We're northern, yelling is normal." I laugh. "Uhm I guess you're about to meet her." He sticks his hands in his pockets. He's nervous. "Just say hey and you can go if you want. It's been a lot already tonight" he combs his hand through his hair.
"That may be best. I think I'll sleep well tonight." He replies.
"Me too", I lead him to the door preparing for this meeting between chan and my mum.
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iliana-the-dreamer · 5 months
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a message for ed tumblr
to anyone who cares to read - (ed tw)
my girlfriend is my everything. i think she might be the love of my life. she matters to me more than anything else in the world.
over the last few years my mental illnesses have progressed and trauma ive experienced continues to affect me every day. it is really difficult to see an end in sight.
im trying to get into therapy
 i haven’t spoken to a therapist since i was in middle school and im nearly 21 now. im trying to work it out with my mom. its been a long time coming. i promised my gf this a long time ago and i need to follow thru on a promise for once in my life this matters more than anything.
i want to graduate college on time. i have been plagued by the fear that my ed and depression will stop me from doing so.
it is so so hard to focus on my future when i feel utterly stuck in my past.
fights with my gf leave me hating myself because i don’t understand why i can’t just get better, recover and be normal. i don’t understand why i have no motivation some days to fight for a better life and am helpless. i am trapped. ive been trapped by the seemingly never-ending pain in my brain and body since 2019.
the symptoms of my ed are severe. i also have chronic illness (diagnosed pots, some other shit autoimmune issues and potentially ehlers danlos, although i have heard that both are associated with eating disorders, scary as that is). i have chronic fatigue and small fiber nerve pain.
i have been around ~10 lb or so underweight on avg for the majority of the past 16 months. im cold all the time. ive lost so much normal control over my bladder and bowels. my brain fog makes it impossible to focus on anything. im miserable. i want my old brain back and i want my life back. i still don’t think of myself as sick enough but the truth is that i never will.
i need to recover.
my body is tired. tired of being mistreated by me. i am (mostly) sh free for almost two years (in january). that is an accomplishment. i need to fight harder against my self-destructive personality.
im in my shitty dorm bed next to my sleeping gf. i know that i need to get better for her. she deserves better. she has brought my greater joy than i had ever known before. i don’t want to imagine my life without her in it with me. she has told me many times that she can’t stay with me if i keep getting worse. she is supporting me in getting better and now is the time. i can’t keep putting it off, i can’t keep letting everyone else pass me by while i put off trying to make a better life for myself. i deserve to eat. every day i deserve to eat. i need to tell myself this every day even though i won’t always believe it.
i have the irrational fear that i won’t stop gaining weight forever. it is irrational. i need to find the weight that my body is happy at because as it stands i don’t know what that is but i know it isn’t where im at now.
i know that i need to fight for myself and for my health to make things right. i fear losing my love more than anything else - much more than gaining weight, even more than death. i don’t think i can forget the look in her eyes as she begged me to stop starving myself. i can’t live with the guilt of hurting her as i hurt myself. i have to break the relapse cycle, i know that i might relapse over and over but i have to try to keep going no matter what. i want a better life for myself and for her.
it is never worth it to do this to yourself. being skinny won’t make you happy. most days i don’t like what i see in the mirror and some days its like i don’t even recognize myself. suffering like this isn’t worth it. that voice in your head wants you to slowly k*ll yourself. you know it’s true. i want to choose to fight it every day for the rest of my life or else i know i can’t truly be happy. if anyone is reading this and needs help or wants to talk please message me.
love iliana
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wellnesscard · 2 years
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long/personal not very important just processing and working through some shit dont read if ur trying to avoid negative body image topic i guess lolol
went to a massage yesterday and had the worst trip of my life like drug terms it was a bad trip, simple as. devon had booked them for us becuase both our bodies are so tired from working so much. but i was so tense i could not relax i was not mentally and emotionally and spiritually prepared to have all my insecurities laid bare like that. long story short it was just me laying facedown paranoid they were going to rupture my birth control in my arm or touch my genitals or see my pad (on my period ) and i started spiraling and was convinced the massouse (?) thought i was the most disgusting person she'd ever had to touch and hated me and i smelled bad and was repulsive etc. she kept going out of the room and talking to the other masuse lady like WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT ME [extreme crying emojis] then there were like the hot stones and the very last ones she put on were so so hot like 10x what all the others had been like i almost jumped out of the bed as soon as she put them on (with no warning btw... just came in from the other room and threw them on me in two seconds flat. which is kind of fucked honestly. idk. devon's warned him about his stones like. im not imagining all of this...) they did burn me i did spring a tear at this point and tried to be chill then i rolled them off my legs because i couldnt. and of course once a tear is sprung i cant stop so i spent the next thirty minutes just like trapped there in panic mode trying not to cry but still crying while this crazy lady yanked my legs and my hair and touched me weirdly and then she's like Turn Over and i had to try and dry my face up real quick because i didnt know there would be a turning over part - there was NO intake thats why i was so scared they were going to break my nexplanon. this was so rough man. i spent this whole weird ass massage just thinkng of all my body dysmorphia and eating disorder stuff it triggered me super hard to be honest and im not sure if ive relapsed at this point or not yet im sure ill get over it but yeah... that was fucking terrible + i have such a shitty relationship with myself its really sad and honestly the best i ever felt was when i ate only meat vegetables dairy and some fruits / nuts for two years and had sweet abs and weighed 112lbs. and i think i need to stop glamorizing that period in my head but it was the only time i actually felt hot and powerful and confident in my body and wasnt faking it. but i was still sortaaa bulimic (when i ate outside my restrictions) and was doing The Most amount of drugs back then too, even though i ate really healthily, and as much as i wanted, for the first time since 7th grade so it felt like recovery. But IDK, i think its less fucked up to stop eating breads/sugars and start going to the gym than keep hiding from the fact that i think i look like a toe. rolling my eyes.
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dogstarblues · 6 months
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been trying to pick my systems back up after having been lax abt them. i just keep getting fucking. triggered - if it's not my pstd then its my cptsd, if it's not my ibs then its my fibromyalgia, if its not my chronic fatigue then its my adhd. like can i fucking do things? can i fucking do what i want and not get interrupted every like 3 fucking days with one extra day needed and sometimes up to a week of recovery? CAN I?
like, okay i know ive made a ton of progress. for example on saturday i encountered a scene of attempted rape on M*A*S*H and had flashbacks and dissociated all day until maybe the evening. but!!! i carried myself through the dissociation with grounding techniques so i wouldn't lose too much time and go completely catatonic, and i managed to stave off flashbacks with talking to friends and listening to music. then sunday i had a flareup from the emotional distress + weather shift and a shit day due to my period. and like. i just needed monday to bounce back from those two emotionally fraught days and feel okay again. if it had been 2 years ago, i would have had nightmares for weeks after. WEEKS. but i slept okay those nights. i didn't have nightmares. i barely remember saturday and sunday but that's okay because i do remember some of it and i feel okay today. today, i was able to do great in an interview. i was able to take care of things even if i was so tired my legs burned when i walked.
the last time i talked to my therapist i had to take a whole week of recovery from doing EMDR about my current inability to tell people i love them but i STILL bounced back. i was okay!
in 2018-2019 i had nightmares almost every night. i was hallucinating constantly. there was a point in time where my roommate had to sleep next to me in my room because i would wake up screaming and burst into tears and sob for hours. he was tired. i was tired. i got to a point where my disordered eating turned into full-blown anorexia. i was vomiting from stress and fear. but getting my dog helped, therapy helped, meds helped, becoming my own person helped, my roommate helped, getting older helped, despite being very alone and isolated with few friends during those years.
so. idk where i'm going with this but all this to maybe say, i recognize how far i've come. and maybe this is as good as i'm going to be for the rest of my life. but i think i can manage. it's just frustrating sometimes. sometimes i wish i could get my capability back, but in some ways, emotionally, mental health-wise, im the most capable i've ever been.
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sterling-knights-gf · 11 months
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ive been doing pretty good with my disordered eating for like 2 years now but ive been so stressed lately and ive been noticably gaining weight and today i put on a pair of joggers that i used to love bc they were a lil baggy (bc i like to be comfy) but still showed off my bawdy (bc im hot) and they still fit but they were a tight and i wasn't comfortable wearing them out and it made me:
miss my body from 3 years ago when i was at my thinnest (i do vary from most thispo ppl bc my ideal body isn't As Thin As I Can Be, it's basically just as tiny as i can get my waist without losing any ass fat, which is exactly where i was 3 years ago)
want to go back to 3 years ago, even though at the time i was heavily drinking almost every night, shoplifting like every other day, unemployed, living with bad influences who encouraged this behavior, and only eating socially
have the urge to not eat for the rest of the week, and the only thing kept me from this is i was getting ready for an event with food where there were people who would know to be concerned if i didn't eat, plus i have veggies in my fridge that will go bad by the time id be eating again and i don't wanna waste food that i spent Money on
overeat bc if i can't restrict my diet then for some reason my next course of action is to eat everything whenever i can, which i simply don't have the money to do bc im already on an extremely tight budget as it is
so now im stressed about money and hating my body and wanting to eat nothing and everything all at once and it just put me in a really weird bad mood, not to mention i was already feeling tired and burnt out and frustrated before any of this. i just wanna live in the sims and go into cas and change every minute detail about myself. i just wanna live in a world that's not this one
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television-pil0t · 1 year
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I be goin though my page 2 hours after posting like “damn girl what happened to you” completely forgetting I have bpd 💀💀 once second I want my bf to fucking die, the next I want to kill myself, the next I’m throwing up having a severe panic attack, the next im begging for my bf to fucking TALK TO ME, the next im like “the fuck am I begging for a white mans attention when I can literally just go fuck LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE?! I’m incredibly attractive and don’t deserve to be treated like this and I won’t stand for it any more I’m gonna break up with him” then I’m like “lol nah he said he loves me false alarm guys” then I’m like “god hates me and my punishment and this” then I’m like “I’m so happy I love being alone” then I’m like “WHY AM I SO ALONE I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY” then I’m like “I never wanna speak to a single person ever again” then I’m like “all my friends hate me and I’m alone and gonna kms.
Bpd is crazy💀 sometimes I genuinely doubt I have it but writing this shit down has helped so much. I swear to god if I didn’t have this page I would have been single because I probably would have split on my bf and I would’ve been lonely from cutting off my friends.
I swear this account genuinely helps so much. Like I communicate with my bf but he doesn’t have to know when I literally cut myself because he’s not paying enough attention to me. That’s fucked up and weird. I don’t want him to know when i think he’s annoying and weird and off putting and when im genuinely mad at him because he goes through the same shit every year and calls it “healing” as if he doesn’t cry about the same shit every year and I’m fucking sick and tired it. Im never telling him that because thats so fucked up??
I know my thoughts and feelings are fucked but I can hide them and move on so much better when I say it here. Like I’m getting my anger out BUT NOT ON HIM. So he isn’t “scared to talk to me” anymore. Like. I want him to talk to me. It’s so infuriating when I see him post and hang up and do this and that and only show me love from 10-12pm and I know sometimes is wrong but he doesn’t tell me. It’s more than infuriating I wanna beat this shit outta him. Yet like it’s my thing to type shit here and hid it from him he can do the same thing and I’m not gonna trip about it. He probably feels the same way. I swear every since we started dating I genuinely think he has bipolar disorder but I’d literally never bring that up unless he said something about it. Even then Imma be like “oh really. Wow? Maybe” like I’m not gonna be like “yeah dumb ass look at you.” Like. I know things I say in here are bs and fucking insane and the worst side of me but I don’t want him.. OR ANYONE to see the worst side of me. I don’t want this to get out because I like my friends and my bf even when they piss me off. I don’t want him here because mf would probably think I genuinely hate him but I don’t I just have my own personal issues that I gotta scream about and then I go back to “oh hi baby I love you” type shit.
I’m a very lovey person when it’s shown to me. I’d he doesn’t reciprocate it then I stop until he does.
“Hi baby”
“Hey dameon.”

 like I’m not about to keep doing that shit if your not gonna do it back. That’s so awkward.
“Heyyy baby!!”
“Hi.”
“How ya doin sweet boy”
“Fine.”
“Awe what’s the matter pumpkin”
“Nothin. Just scrolling.”
“Awe ok sweetheart how was your day”
“Fine.”
“Did you eat babe?”
“Mmhm.”
Like??? No. If your not gonna work with me then your not getting the work. Treat people like you wanna be treated type shit. Your 17 if you have some issues speak up, text me, or just say I don’t wanna talk about it but don’t make me think that I’m crazy for your fucking wack ass tone. That’s just me. If he’s giving me 1 word responses I’m gonna do the same until he cheers the fuck up. I can’t try to help when he gives me nothing to help him with. I can’t solve a problem when I can’t see the issue. He’s almost a fucking adult. When I have a problem I say “just not feelin it today”
“Oh what’s wrong”
“Not sure”
Or something like that. Like I’m saying YEAH there is something wrong but I don’t feel like talking about it so HE doesn’t feel like it’s just autism.
We both have it I just know how to actually deal with talking to people and the only time he leaves the house is to exercise himself to the point of exasperation like retard. Or to the forest or to hang out with his friend/sibling.
Once again. Shit I’d never say to him and quite frankly would rather kms than for him to know I think that of him but it feels like a weight off my shoulders to say. Me and the 3 people that follow this page💀💀 ïżŒ
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msnbutterfly · 1 year
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feeling absolutely fucking batshit today
I want to take a hammer to my phone, kitchen scissors to my stupidly long and unmanageable hair delete all of my accounts and hit up my toxic ex who cheated on me to go camp in the desert somewhere. im so tired of existing in my own head and body and dealing with my internal dialogue and brain day in and day out. of wanting to be beautiful and cool and liked and nice and perceived as nice. im so tired of shyly smiling at people in my ceramics studio that I don't even like because I don't want to be disliked. of scanning my body every day and thinking about what surgeries I wish I had to change it. of how I can convince my mom to pay for teeth whitening because my teeth have always been yellow. of trying to be nice and calm and supportive to my little sister who never makes even a slight effort to check in on me or be there for me. of constantly trying to take the high road with her in order to preserve the relationship. being there when she calls me to vent about everyone and everything even though she can't be bothered to answer a simple text from me. of continuing to engage and communicate with people I generally dislike and have nothing in common with because im so insecure about my lack of life experience and lack of friends in a city where I've spent 99% of my life. im tired of all of this shit contributing to me being generally disingenuous and fucking vapid and shallow. Turning 25 is throwing me for a loop because all I can think about is how im finally coming to accept my appearance and how its all going to go away soon. im so tired of giving so much of a fuck about shit that does not matter. at ceramics today this young woman maybe 25 and strange older dude were talking about their seizures and brain disorders and matching scars from brain surgery. and a mom and daughter who looked homeless wandered in because the daughter was curious. that's the stuff in life that matters and makes a difference. not my yellow teeth, or big nose or cellulite. or if people like me.
I tried to run but im so out of shape and I've just been drinking soda and eating junk food and not even drinking water so I couldn't really. instead I walked down to the elementary school where I went and laid on the grass. the first Xanax I took started to calm me down and I felt more at peace. I walked home and went to Vons and bought a slice of birthday cake and a pack of American spirits. I smoked one on the way home and took a hot shower. I rubbed my face with face wash until the foam covered anything. I cleaned my room before I left the house today and it was genuinely really nice to come home to. I tuned on both of my fans to full speed and im sitting here typing this. Im going to turn on the Simpsons. or maybe a movie. and eat my cake. I took another Xanax before my shower so im hoping that will help me fall asleep. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. but I know that I don't want to go to work and preform. [preform as cool girl and make crude jokes to the back of house. preform as cute and funny because I think my manager is hot. preform in general. im so tired of it.
I swear im so fucked up im a perfect candidate for someone to get me to join some cult. shave my head wear loose robes.
I screamed bloody murder 4 times in my car on the way home tonight. a "primal" scream. im getting my mental health advice from corny Netflix teen movies now I guess.
why was I worried about the length of my t shirt today, of the bagginess of shorts. of what shoes would be the coolest with the two.
more likely than not this is all just manic irritable behavior and energy that's a direct result of my not taking my meds consistently, and getting my period from skipping my bc, and more than likely ill sleep the day away tomorrow like I have been for almost a month now, and rush off to work, not brushing my teeth or forgetting deodorant and showing up late with wonky makeup I did while driving. and ill buss tables while sports bros ignore me and curse at their football games. but tonight I feel like I might just be finally and officially fed up. of trying to control everything and edit and curate everything to the point that I've driven myself so crazy that it all needs to go out the window and im just going to be this crazy unhinged but relatively at peace person.
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protectionprotection · 2 years
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what a fucking day!!!! i've been feeling really neutral . which feels really really weird in the middle of everything. but not hype, not depressed, mostly content, but sort of blank and out of it - like when i try to check in there's just nothing, and i don't feel like thinking thru anything like i normally do. so in the spirit of things i haven't been as ANYTHING, not stressed, not happy, not depressed, not horny, so i took aadvantage of the day slept in and chipped away at a to-do list and painted with music and got ready for work and went to work, feeling spots of joy thruout but no bliss or ecstasy or anything. thought about a*** a LOT and still feel a little bereft of him because it's been almost 2 months with no visual or physical contact so my psyche is creating a barrier. i know it's temporary tho so i go thru the motions!
it's work tho. like, after pushing through the depressive ep i just had that was a surprisingly bad one (1st in a while!!!!) to get to stable ground and deal with my shit, and be myself around my every-day people -----------im feeling stress about MONEY, CAR, climate change (it's 110 and the grid is failing) and aspirations, career, relationship!! body!! but again it doesn't overtake me, i make lists but can't tap into my emotions.
my car has been a huge stressor. it's from 2000 and it's only a matter of time and this is NOT a livable city if you don't have a car. my life is stressful but fine - but if my car breaks down then so do i. among the MYRIAD of problems with it, at this moment the tire is leaking on the driver's side, the driver's side window is short-circuiting and won't roll up at unpredictable times, the a/c doesn't work, the fuel line is leaking, and the breakpads need to be replaced. i don't have money for any of this work because, even though i work more than 1/2 of the managers full time, i'm broke as shit. we get paid less than minimum wage at this job. this fact has been eating me up as i've dug further and further into my savings for basic living expenses.
on top of the climate change stress, well.. a sudden storm rolled in, a classic texas thunderstorm, but it's different! it's evil! because it's fast, it's concentrated in these massive heat waves that we've never experienced. and anyways, i was working in the back of the record store doing new releases, and the storm rolled in and opened up and i had to sprint to the front of the shop with trashbags and packing tape out into the deluge to try to attempt to tape some sort of barrier AND
my horrid boss, horrid in SO many ways, stood and watched me struggle -- cuz he was originally planning to walk home to his house in a DOWNTOWN SKYRISE, until boohoo it started pouring, so instead he watched me struggle and fail to tape up my window, meanwhile i'm getting absolutely soaked and the cheap scotch packing tape they buy is useless because of the rain. and increasingly im thinking like, man, this is because of YOU i work full time and can't afford to fix my window. i can't afford to fix my car. and by the way we don't even have parking anymore, so we have to risk getting towed in our own lot by the property managers or pay for parking downtown and walk in 110 heat.
i no longer stand by that company. what was keeping me there was nostalgia and loyalty and my friends. but having my boss, who has recently had a trip to hawaii, watch me try and fail to protect my broken shitty car, watch my coworker be homeless for 2 months, watch my coworker choose between food and rent..... no more. a positive note is that it seems i have been managing my bipolar disorder well enough --- because ordinarily an event like that would have sent me spiraling - but i've already been kinda cycling in a weird way. but i was Unaffected. that's the weird thing. i mean i was fucking mad, and stressed, but the roots of those emotions didn't ever really hit my core. that's what frightens me. i don't really know what that's about.e
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llatimeria · 3 years
Text
just having one of .,,, those days
#burnt my english muffin. put peanut butter on it anyways. walked up stairs. muffin slides off plate and glues itself to my shirt.#hands are full so i can't... do anything about this#moving risks just dropping the muffin entirely onto the floor which would be more annoying than the shirt#shirt is just some garbage that i not only slept in but is covered in cat fur because my cat really wanted to be in my room this morning#so i . don't really want to eat this half of the english muffin anymore#thats fine its fine its not like i havent eaten today or anything haha im not starving#i might let it go had it not been. peanut butter. im sure it was like 80% cat hair by the time it was pried off and like. i am not eating th#that*#anyways. thankfully my mom was right there so she helped me get it off so i could move again#i go back upstairs im almost late to class its almost 10#log into canvas click on zoom#class started at 9.#every other day starts at 10! but this one starts at 9 for no percievable reason#hunger + tired + no caffeine + frustration + disorder-induced panic-cry#because this is the first class where we might use GIS and I've barely even heard of it before so I'm scared if I miss this class#i'll start the quarter on a really bad foot and be scrambling to try to figure out the basics#that everyone else was just. taught#not to mention how much i just hate being late to things and how embarrassing it is to be late for such a stupid reason#and just generally getting fucked up because of how absolutely 100% sure i was that class started at 10#when i already just have issues with compulsively double-triple-quadruple-quintuple checking literally everything i think and say and do#bc i just don't trust my own head to have information that's correct in it#anyways.#calm down enough to just go to class anyways#1hr in theyre just starting with the Basics of excel so I have no idea what the previous hour was for? so either i just 100% missed GIS#or they somehow stretched How To Do An Equation In Excel over... a whole hour?#though i guess they just taught us How To Download A File so uh. they really are starting with the BASICS basics#anyway#try to eat remaining half of english muffin#its cold.
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hugs4jkk · 2 years
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Bts reactions to you fainting :)
Warnings / contains : Fainting,throwing up(hobis reaction),eating disorder(namjoons reaction),over working yourself, alcohol consumption.
______________________________
Seokjin :
All month you had been studying for your next biggest test. You always worked hard in school, getting good grades is all that really mattered to you. Finally, the day of the big test came around, you had barely any sleep as you were so nervous. Jin dropped you off at college and you walked in,worrying about how you were going to do on the test.
After you sat the test you walked out of the building and headed towards the gates to leave. Jin was waiting there to congratulate you on doing the test. You walked up to him and hugged him tightly. All of a sudden, your vision went somewhat blurry and your neck started to sweat like crazy..even though you were cold. "How did it go?" Jin asked, wanting to know about your day. You couldnt hear anything he said. There was a loud ringing in your ears and your shoulders felt heavy. "Yn?" He exclaimed, "you okay???..YN!" You fell to the floor, your knees scraping along the concrete as jin caught you. Your body was weak. Jin placed you on a bench, calling your name. It took a few minutes for you to wake up. "Yn!?" Jin shouted when he realized you were awake, "are you okay??? What happened?" "Im fine..just a bit tired.." you lazily replied. You tried to stand up, using jins arms as support but you collapsed again. Jin called an ambulance and waited patiently for it to come.
The ambulance arrived and you were rushed to hospital. You woke up after a few hours only to see an iv in your arm. "Where am i..?" You asked jin. "You fainted, yn." Jin explained trying not to worry "you kept overworking yourself and your body couldnt take it." "But i want to go home!" You complained, "im okay i promise." "Fine. We'll wait for the iv to run out in an hour or 2 then we can go home."
Yoongi :
You walked into the dance studio where yoongi was practicing, "hi yoongi!~" , you said happily. "Oh, hi y/n" yoongi replied as he paused the music and smiled softly. "Can i come practice with you?" You asked. He nodded and ran over to you, "so why do you wanna practice with me?" "Oh, im just bored aha" you responded. You walked over to him and took your shoes, throwing them across the room.
You both practiced for a while.. dancing to all of bts' title tracks just for a "basic" workout. You finished after about 2 hours. "Im so- im so..tired" you said, panting and out of breath due to the extreme workout which yoongi described as some "light exercise". "You okay, yn?" Yoongi said, walking up to you. A loud ringing occurred in your ears, nothing yoongi said made sense to you it all sounded like a foreign language. Your legs started to shake and you grabbed onto yoongi to balance yourself. "Yn?..whats wrong?" Yoongi asked, confused. Your delicate figure collapsed into yoongis arms. "YN? Are you okay!?" Yoongi asked, while catching you. Your eyes were shut tight but you could sort of hear yoongi shouting your name. He lay you down, folding up a hoodie for you to use as a pillow. He shook you, "yn please wake up..are you okay?" You slowly started to gain consciousness, your head was pounding. "W-what happened?" You asked weakly, trying to lift yourself up off the floor to talk to yoongi. "You fainted, yn.. is everything okay?" He told you, hugging you softly. "Everythings fine" you said, almost falling again. "Stay here" he said, "let me get you a drink." You waited patiently, lying back down again. He came back into the room, holding a snack and a drink of water. "here have these," he said while handing you the glass and pack of cookies. You ate the cookies, still shaking a little. "Feeling any better?" Yoongi asked. "Mhm" you mumbled. "Okay..good. tell me when you feel bad next time okay, we can stop whenever you want. Dont overwork yourself" he stated, worried about you. "Okay baby," you said and kissed his lips, lovingly.
Namjoon :
You had struggled with an ed for about 3 months now, you wouldn't even THINK of telling joon about your problems. Everyday you ate little to no calories, aside from days where you HAD to eat because you and namjoon went to a restaurant for lunch or dinner. Namjoon started catching onto your bad eating habits. He often made you a snack when you were working but now he gave you a snack atleast twice a day,knowing you would eat it because you didnt want to dissapoint him.
One day, namjoon was out of town as he had some work to do in a different city. This meant you didnt have to eat anything which made you.. weirdly happy. Although you were a little sad about him going away. You had no energy all day, it took you 40 minutes to get out of bed even though you woke up at 2pm. You were slightly worried about your health but thought nothing of it and dragged yourself to the kitchen to make a coffee. You walked back to your bed and sipped your coffee, after you took a generous sip you placed it on your bedside table which was stacked with fruit bowls and cups from other drinks that you didnt have the motivation to clean up. It was now 3pm and namjoon had sent you 12 texts and 4 missed calls. You decided to call him back as you felt bad for worrying him. He answered, "yn, why werent you answering my texts!???" "Sorry, joon im just..so- so tired" you replied sleepily. "Ahhh, yn you need to eat more!! You need to sleep earlier too and stop living off coffee and fruit, its not good for you.." he said, looking out for you. "I know, i know" you said while rubbing your eye, "when are you coming home? I miss you baby" "5pm babe, i miss you too aha." He huskily breathed into the phone. "Alright im gonna go have a nap im sleepy" you yawned, "love you baby" "love you too babe, take care of yourself please." He replied.
Almost 2 hours had passed by now,it was 4:45 pm and you had just woken up again, you were still exhausted though. You thought nothing of it and heard the door unlocking. You got out of bed quicky and tried to make it seem like youd been awake for longer than 2 minutes. Namjoon opened the door, "yn~ im home!" You stood up and everything suddenly went a bit blurry and there was a quiet but present ringing in your ears. "H-hi nam- namjoon" you stuttered as you walked up to him trying to balance yourself. "You okay, yn?" He asked as he grabbed your arm. "Im f-fine.." you replied. "Yn you need to sit down.." namjoon instructed you, "YN?" You fell into his arms. He caught you, just in time before you hit the harsh ground. Your body was weak, namjoon didnt realize how much you werent eating. "Yn wake up,please" he said while carrying you to the living room. He placed an ice pack on your head and elevated your legs using his bag. You slowly started to wake up, groaning slightly as your eyes opened to see namjoon looking over you. "What happened?" You asked while sitting up. "You fainted babe." Namjoon said, taking the ice pack off your head. You let out a small sigh and lay down again. "You have to eat something babe, what youre doing isnt good for you at all." Namjoon said as he got up to go to the kitchen to get you something to eat. He opened the fridge and made you some lunch. He walked back into the living room, "eat this,baby" he said, handing you the plate. You started to cry a little as you picked up 1 half of the sandwich. "Its okay baby just take it slow" namjoon comforted you. You took a bite out of the sandwich and felt a little bit better. "I love you babe" Namjoon said, kissing your head as he got up to wash dishes.
Hobi :
You woke up to hobi spooning you, which kept you warm throughout the night. You let out a slight groan as you turned over to kiss hobis head, which woke him up a little. "Goodmorning yn" he said sleepily while he stretched. His morning voice was so attractive. "Morning hobi," you smiled. As you woke up fully, you realized you didnt feel well at all. "Hobi.." you mumbled, "i dont feel good.." "whats wrong?" He asked, concerned. "I feel like- like im gonna throw up.." you said, wrapping your arms around your stomach area. You got up and ran to the bathroom. You lifted up the toilet seat and threw up, holding your hair back. He got up after you and ran into the bathroom to help you, "youre not,,pregnant are you?" He asked. "No,no i wouldve known by now.." you replied, throwing up again. You fell back, resting on hobis legs as he flushed the toilet. "You okay, yn?" He asked, looking down at you. Your neck and forehead started sweating , even though you felt freezing cold. You were shaking as a loud ringing sound played in your ears. "Yn?" He said, grabbing your hand to lift you up. You stood up and almost as soon as you did, you collapsed into hobis arms. "Ah shit .. " he said under his breath, trying not to panic too much. He picked you up and carried you to the living room and placed a few pillows under your legs. He ran into the kitchen to get you an ice pack. He walked back in , placing the ice pack on your head and hoped you woke up soon. After about 3 minutes, you woke up to see hobi leaning over you. "Yn! Youre okay .." he said, relieved. "What happened..?" you asked, rubbing your eye. "You fainted, yn. Just after you threw up" he explained. "Oh .." you said. You tried to sit up but you were too tired to even lift your head. "You OK?" Hobi asked, worried. "Y-yeah i think i just need to .. have a nap." You replied while falling asleep. "Alright .." hobi replied, covering you with a couple blankets, "goodnight baby"
Jimin :
You and jimin were both invited to a house party, obviously you both agreed to go. You had just finished getting ready and it was 6:30, the party started at 7. "Jimin!! Hurry up!" You shouted up the stairs. "Coming!!" He said while running down the stairs, fixing his hair. "You look good~" you said to him in a flirtatious way. "So do you aha" he replied, kissing your lips and opening the door. You both walked out and got in the car.
You arrived at the party at 7:05pm and waited for more people to arrive. At about 8pm, everyone was there. "You want a drink?" Jimin asked, shouting over the loud music. "Yeah, just some gin please" you said, smiling.
It was now 12am and you were DRUNK, you could barely keep yourself upright. "Jimin ah,, you cute you know?" You said, falling into jimins arms. "What?" He responded, trying to understand your slurred speech. All of a sudden you felt as if you were on a boat and shoulders got heavy. "Jiminnnn i feel like im on a boat ahaha" you mumbled. As soon as you said that, you collapsed into him. "Yn? You okay?" He said, looking down to you, "yn!?" He panicked for a moment,not knowing what to do. He picked you up and bought you to the car, placing you in the seat and buckling your seatbelt. He drove you home, picked you up again and took you to bed. "Yn? Wake up," he said, worried. You finally woke up, not remembering anything that happened. "What happened..?" You asked, looking up at jimin. "You passed out,yn." He replied while getting you a glass of water. "Oh," you responded, standing up to hug jimin. "Im sleeepppyyy, jimin-ahhh" you groaned,hugging jimin from behind. "I know, youre allowed to sleep aha" he said, turning around and kissing your head. "Can i sleeeeep with you? I miss youuuuuuuu" you asked, almost falling asleep right then and there. "Of course," he said, walking to bed with you. "I love you."
Taehyung :
You got into the car with taehyung and buckled your seatbelt. "You ready?" He asked. "Mhm" you replied, wrapping your arms around your abdomen. "You okay?" Taehyung asked, looking at you with a concerned expression on his face. "Im okay, dont worry" you replied. Taehyung nodded then drove to the gym.
When you arrived, your cramps were causing you so much pain you could barely walk, but you decided to go on anyways. You and tae both decided to go on the treadmills. At first, you were fine but after a while you were in excruciating pain. You stepped off the treadmill, using the handle to support yourself. "Y/n?" Taehyung asked, getting off the treadmill. "You okay..? Why didn't you say you were ill earlier?" He walked up to you, grabbing your hand to help you stand up. He spoke to you but you couldn't hear a single thing he was saying. Your head started to sweat, despite being cold. "Yn? You oka- YN?" He shouted, catching you as you collapsed to the floor. You woke up after a minute, still in taehyungs arms. "Yn..are you okay?" He said, helping you stand up. "Im...f-fine" you stuttered as you balanced yourself. "You sure?.." he responded.
Jungkook :
It was an average summer day .. well everything was average except it was the hottest day of the year. It was almost 50°c and your AC was broken. Jungkook wore only his shorts all day. You and jungkook both decided to sit outside since it was hotter in the house than outside.
Everything was going well until you started to feel really unwell..your head felt heavy and you couldnt hear a word jungkook was saying to you. You stood up to get a drink and you collapsed straight away, your body colliding with the floor. "Yn? Are you okay?" Jk shouted, picking you up. He brought you to the bedroom and frantically looked for a fan. But before he found one, you had woken up. "Yn! How are you feeling?" Jk asked, looking over at you. "Im fine" you replied, "i think i just need to have a nap or smthn.." "okay love" he replied, kissing your head.
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imaginejamesandsirius · 3 years
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First of all like many here i'd like to say that i love your blog so much and im so happy someone is doing my OTP justice so thank you for that! I'd like to request a prompt if you're not too busy: Sirius struggling with an eating disorder during Hogwarts (not eating enough at all, or caring about his health in that regard), and James reaction to it once he gets whats happening (with some angst and/or protective James?) id love to read something about that if you have time to write it.
((A/N: Warning for eating disorder))
James hadn't consciously put it together. He hadn't seen the issues Sirius was having, thought about it in those exact terms, and then acted on it. All he knew was that one day he kept his hands to himself, and at some point, he started pushing food onto Sirius's plate.
For the most part, Sirius ignored it. James pushed food onto his plate, and Sirius didn't touch it. Every once in a while, he'd try a bite or two of it. Very rarely were the times when Sirius ate all of it, but when he did, it meant that something else on his plate didn't get eaten.
James didn't make a big deal about it in the beginning because he didn't really think that there was anything to make a fuss about. He'd notice occasionally that Sirius hadn't eaten very much at breakfast, but everyone was tired in the mornings, and they had different second classes before lunch. If he ever thought about it, he would come to the conclusion that clearly, Sirius was dropping by the kitchens when they went in their separate ways, and that intermediate snack was why he also didn't eat as much as James did at lunch.
It all boiled down to one thing: James had tried fixing a problem that he hadn't known existed for about a year and a half. After that year and a half is when his brain finally connected the dots. Sirius wasn't eating enough. It wasn't just one meal a week that he was skimping on. It was two of three meals that he went light on, almost every single day of the week, and he'd been doing it for two years. Maybe a little less than that. But then, it might also be more. James had no idea. More than that, he didn't know why Sirius hadn't said something.
The only reason James knew is because they'd been snogging, he'd put his hands on Sirius's waist under his shirt, and Sirius had squirmed a little, like he wanted to get away from his touch but also didn't want to make James think that he hated it. "You okay?" James had asked.
"Tickled," Sirius said, and kissed him again.
It had made sense to him in the moment, until he remembered that the only place Sirius was ticklish was his feet. His ribs had never been the least bit ticklish-- and James had tried, back before they started dating and were in the wrestling part of their friendship.
Sirius was faint more often than the rest of them-- except Moony after the full moon. He couldn't run as long as Peter could. Piece by piece, he noticed signs of a problem and didn't figure it out.
Everything was fine, and then one meal, it all slotted into place. Sirius had problems with food. At first, James thought that it was that he wasn't hungry during meal times, but several kitchen runs at odd times of the day disproved that theory. He didn't think it was a problem with the food itself, since several of the items that the house elves made were Sirius's favourites. It's like... they didn't make him happy anymore. He nibbled, then stopped. Sometimes, he would shovel bowls of soup and stew down his throat like he couldn't be bothered to chew.
James didn't know what to do. He'd tried giving him more food. He'd tried giving him different types of food-- even soup wasn't a guarantee. He'd tried giving him food at all times of the day. None of it had worked.
"Tell me what to do," James said one day. He was sat on Sirius's bed; they both were. They were supposed to be doing homework, but James hadn't been able to concentrate. He'd just been staring at the textbook for ten minutes, eyes not moving.
Sirius looked at him, then blinked. "Is this some sort of weird roleplay you want to try?"
"No," he said, shutting the book with a thump. "You have problems with food."
Sirius paled-- more than he already was. Merlin, he was so pale these days, like his face couldn't reflect a healthy colour because he wasn't healthy.
"I've been trying to help, but I don't know how. I've tried so many things, and none of it has worked. Just tell me what to do. However I can help you, I will."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius said, but he was obviously panicking.
James wanted to fight, to push it, but he knew that if he did, Sirius would flee. He opened his book again. "Fine. But if there was a problem you were having, you could talk to me. I wouldn't need an explanation, and I wouldn't ask any questions if you didn't want me to. Tell me what to do, and I'll do it. I wouldn't judge you. I mean, you know that I'll help you no matter what, right?"
A slight pause, then Sirius said, "Yeah, I know."
"And I just want for you to be okay."
"I'm okay now."
"I think you could be more okay," James said quietly, shoulders hunching in a little defensively.
There was a long moment between James saying it and Sirius's response. He didn't say anything. All he did was nudge their knees together. When James looked up, Sirius gave him a small smile. He looked kind of miserable, but not like he was going to run off anymore.
It was half an hour later when one of them talked again, and Sirius said, "I can't tell you what the problem is, because I don't know what the problem is."
"That's fine. Just tell me if there's anything I can do to make it the least bit better for you. I don't even need to know why it would help you. I’ll do whatever you need."
Sirius took a deep breath, let it out, then said, “Cake. Chocolate cake. I’m in the mood for it right now.”
James immediately shut the book. “Let’s go get some cake.”
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hahaha-3 · 2 years
Text
wilbur reminisces on his first love
category: angst and hella sad
tw: mentions of suicide attempts, eating disorder, medication, self harm, and abuse (verbal and physical i think)
she used to be mine
“Ello chat today we are doing a chill Q & A stream so ask away!”. I couldn’t catch all of the questions from the chat but one caught my eye. “Wilbur what was your first love like?” I chuckle “wow the fowardness of you guys tonight is astounding”. I could picture her in my head so clearly. My face flushed “Ok my first love well it was pretty rough I guess you could say”
It’s not simple to say most days I don't recognize me
Its been 5 years since we split and I carried a piece of her with me everyday. Literally her tiny cat named snowball curled up against my leg purring. I smile sadly at the cat and remember the girl I was once in love with. “It was four years ago, I was still in college and still very stupid” I laugh as chat aww’s.
With these shoes and its apron, that place and its patrons, have taken more than I gave them
“I used to work in a diner near my college at Uncle Sams Hamburger Express” (I did my research ;)) “She stopped by almost everyday and ordered the exact same thing every time an apple pie, a strawberry milkshake, and a smile” I giggle softly. They always seemed to go crazy over the smallest details but it was all true. Even knowing her was worth so much.
Its not easy to know, Im not anything like I used to be, Although its true
Thinking about her hurt like all bloody hell but remembering her made me smile. “Her favorite animal was pandas, I remember whenever I sang her this stupid little song she would just burst out laughing and her cheeks would go beautifully red”. I glance towards my donos and I see more questions and comments appear but I couldn’t shake the image of her out of my head and vision. Almost like she was still with me, in my arms.
I was never attentions sweet center, I still remember that girl
Forgetting her was impossible, and I tried. She was burned into my brain like metal branding or an ink seal on a letter. The way she smiled, the way her eyes fluttered beautifully as she tried to stay awake in my arms, her laugh that I swear could make angels cry. “Truth be told chat I don’t know how I ended up with her in the first place. She was totally out of my league”. Suddenly Tommy joins the call to joke “Unlike me! Women love me.” He laughs and I smile at the sound of the boy whos like my little brother.(I will cry) “Okay Tommy don’t you have women to talk to now?” chat spams BIg Man Tommy and he leaves call with his final remarks “Yes yes I do bye chat”.
She’s imperfect but she tries,
Flashback to June 2015
She is good but she lies
“Aria you can’t just pretend nothing is wrong when something obviously is” I held my breath waiting for her to respond with something, Anything, “Wil I don’t know what you want me to say it wasn’t a big deal. I have a headache can you stop being melodramatic”. I ran in front of her and held her shoulders “Aria you went off of your anti depressants and I almost lost you to an overdose. You told me you were taking your meds and getting better, that everything was going to be fine. You are total a big deal to me Aria. You matter more to me than anything else in the world. Please just talk to me, let me help you” I plead to her. My neighbor was coming in for my old pc and saw her on the floor with a bottle of pills. “Will I told you here, in the car 20 minutes ago, and at the hospital I am fine. I don’t need you or some stupid doctor telling me what I can or can’t do and how to live my fucking life. Now I’m tired and I need to get some rest, drop it”. She walked past me into our room leaving me in the hallway speechless. Her anger over the subject only made me more worried about her.
She is hard on herself, shes broken and won’t ask for help
Back to present
“She had the most beautiful brown eyes that I would constantly get lost in. She went through so much but refused to let it show. Her courage was what I loved most about her”.
flashback to august 2015
Her deadline was nearing on her and her stress was increasing everyday. That on top of the struggle to take her meds drove her to the point of insanity. Sometimes it would be crying in the bathroom or being sick from malnutrition. But she refused to show it. Showing it lead to questions, and questions meant providing answers that she didn’t have. Her bruises and cuts only showed just how much stronger she was than me. 10 pages. She had to write 10 pages plus an article for the college newspaper on obsessive media influence.
I caught her on the phone sometimes crying but she just said stress whenever I asked. She was breaking but never let anyone know. “Aria I can help if you want it’s on obsessive media right? I do youtube so I can help”. She ruffled my hair and smiled shaking her head “no no its fine I don’t have a lot left. I already have the brainstorming done”. She turned to the computer and smiled sadly “I just need to put my thoughts into words”.
She is messy but shes kind
Flashback to December 2015
She sped down the hallway as the christmas snow fell outside the window of our apartment. Her beautiful brown hair was tied into a bun and she had a gold and white onesie on to match my pajama set that she bought me for this special morning, She ran to directly to the small tree we had in the living room/kitchen and immediately handed me a present with a cheeky smile. I opened the box with blue and yellow wrapping paper careful not to rip all of the paper off. Her smile widened as she saw my reaction to a blue harmonica. I laughed and thanked her for the gift. She points to a spot under the tree and I avert my eyes to where she’s pointing. A beautiful blue Fender Play Telecaster electric guitar. I hug her tightly and she laughs. “I can’t believe you did this”. She smiled brightly “oh but I did Mr. Gold”. I get up and run to the guitar smiling my face off. I look up at her “how much did this cost?” she shakes her head and smiles “don’t worry about it. Go ahead try it”. I grab my pick from besides the guitar and strum it. I make a happy giggle and smile. “Thank you Aria”.
she is lonely most of the time. She is all of this mixed up and baked into a beautiful pie
“I spent so much time with her that I don’t even remember her really leaving the flat but her company was the best thing ever.” The chat was going crazy over the possibility of who it was but they would never know. The closest they knew to my love life was my songs and my crush in middle school that I made documentaries with to get closer to her.
flashback to january 2016
She ran inside the flat squealing with a small kitten in her hand. I look up from editing and smile at her. “I named her snowball and shes our daughter”. I laugh softly and get up to see the kitten closer. It had beautiful brown eyes and snow white fur. It purred loudly in her arms and her eyes reminded me so much of Arias. “I thought a pet would help make this a little less unbearable”. I hugged her and smiled. “Shes perfect love, just like you”.
Shes gone, but she used to be mine
I picked up Snowball and pet her softly. “ This was our kitten. Snowball.” Her eyes were still mesmerizing. “It was three of the best years of my life. Every second with her was undoubtedly worth it”. “I remembered how she was slowly losing herself. Far too quickly for either of us to stop. But I loved her. So much. through off of her scars and heartbreaks. She was mine”. The chill vibe in the chat had quickly gone to a sad one so I quickly answered less depressing questions to lighten the mood. She was still in my head the entire time.
And its not what I asked for, Sometimes life just slips through the cracks
I waved Snowballs soft paw towards the screen and smiled fixing my beanie a little better. “Say bye bye to the chat Snowball!” I waved with my free hand and shut off the webcam. I held Snowball closer and kissed her head. “Time for bed love”. I got up out of my chair and quickly shut off my computer and went to set Snowball down on my bed. My phone rings with a new trend on twitter. “She Used to Be Mine- Twitch streamer Wilbur Soot opens up about his past relationship with someone struggling with mental issues. Support from not only his own friends but from millions of fans with their own stories share their battle with mental illness and how he has individually helped all of them in his own way”.
And carves out a person, who makes you believe its all true, and now I got you
flashback to february 2016
She was getting visibly better. She was taking her meds and smiling more. Her stress was decreasing and she even made a friend in her journalism class. She was better. She smiled looking up at the stars from the flat roof. She pointed up, “the brightest star is the one that leads you back home”. It was true. She was my home and I was hers.
You’re not what I asked for, If I’m honest, I know I would give it all back for a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
~back to present~
I lay down next to Snowball and look into her Aria eyes as she purs and hold her close. Four years and I still can’t get over her. I chuckle softly and boop her nose “I blame you little one”. I wanted to help her through everything. I didn’t know how. I didn’t know the right things to say that wouldn’t hurt her more or bring her to tears. I would have carried all of the hurt and stress for her if I could. But it was too late. Tears brim my eyes at the thought that I could have done so much more to help her. If I paid more attention or asked about her day more. She would still be mine.
for that girl that I knew, who was reckless just enough
the calm before the storm is what you remember most in a tragedy~ Anonymous
flashback to March 2016
The rain poured as we looked up at the sky from the flat roof. Our one year anniversary.
Her hair clinging to her back as she stood on the edge of the roof in an almost angelic white dress. She smiled at me. My heart surged as my hair pressed to my face. She takes my hand and we dance together in the beautiful rain. Two hearts together one whole and one mending.
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes “thank you”. Things will be fine.
Who gets hurt but learns how to toughen up when she's bruised and gets used by a man who can’t love
April 2016
She held her phone close to her ear and shook as tears ran down her face. The door was closed and the lights were off. She was all alone. With the voice screeching through the phone. She sobbed harder as the criticisms flooded her head. Everything she was doing wrong. Everything she has done wrong. The effect of her living and how much it hurt people and ruined them. “You are a worthless little girl who will never get anywhere with your stupid journalism career. You choose to run away and leave your own family who have treated you so kindly and gave you everything but apparently it wasn’t enough for a stuck up brat like you”. Her eyes burn as the tears continue to come down her face at the harsh words stabbing her entire body. Each burn and scar light on fire as the pain in her heart spreads. “I’m surprised you're not dead. You seem to love attention so much with your fake disorders. Your mother died already because of you. Might as well Join Her.” She chokes on her own tears and screams at the phone “It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t me. She loved me. It was you. You hurt her. I didn’t”. She whispers “I would never hurt her.”
And then she'll get stuck and be scared Of the life that's inside her
The phone hangs up on her words. She looks at the blank wall in front of her. The world collapses around her in her mind as the oxygen depletes around her. Breathing suddenly becomes harder and harder every second. With the oxygen she has left she screams at the shadow condescending her and scolding her “IT WASN’T ME I DIDN'T DO IT”. The knife under the mattress screams at her. Daring her to live another minute. Willing her against everything that cares about her. She reaches her hand as the door opens. Her broken eyes burn into my soul. I look from her to the mattress that her hand is motioning for. I lift up the mattress and take the knife from under it. Neither of us utter a word as i put the knife on the dresser. She flinches from the slight sound and curls up in a corner. Almost like she doesn’t recognize me. As I get closer to her a faint whisper leaves her voice “go away”. I kneel beside her and look through her broken soul. “I can’t do that”. She glares “Why? Everyone else can so whats stopping you? Guilt?” Her eyes are accusing and hurt. “No I-” she cuts me off “ I don’t need you or your pity. I don’t need a fucking babysitter. There's nothing to pity so fucking leave.” She stands up “Or better yet. I will leave for you”. Before she can say something else I hug her. She collapses on the floor and into my arms as her tears wet my shirt. “I’m here”, and with the faintest whisper she says into my shirt “for how long”.
Getting stronger each day until it finally reminds her to fight just a little and bring back the fire in her eyes thats been gone but it used to be mine
June 2016
She looked at the face besides her. Peaceful, happy, content, and whole. She broke with the guilt of being a burden. She gets up softly not to wake the sleeping soul besides her and walks to the bathroom taking the knife off the dresser. The room around her spins and her hands covered in blood. The knife burns in her hand. The medicine numbs it. All she needed was the medicine. The medicine would fix her. The knife would only end her. Not fix her. And she needed to be fixed. For him. She needed to leave. Her father was right. She was a burden as long as she wasn’t getting better. She collected the bathroom necessities and quietly emptied out her side of the dresser. On her way out of the door she looked at baby blue and smiles with tears in her eyes. This was for the best. Before she completely left she made her way to the roof. Her favorite place. She walked to the edge and looked at the sunrise. “New beginning.” She smiles and turns to a disheveled William Gold. “Were you just going to leave? Without saying anything?”. My eyes were red with worry. Her stuff was gone and in a panic I ran up here to the one place I knew she could escape. “I’m sorry. But I have to go. It’s better this way.” I shake my head and look up at the pink sky “better for you or for me?”. She shakes her head and walks past me “I don’t want to burden you and something needs to change”. I look at her in disbelief “ you were never a burden. And I want you here, scars and all.” The words fly over her head. Her mind was already set. So I beg, “Let me help you, please”. She kisses my cheek one last time and turns to walk out of my life and out of our love. “Somethings just need to be fixed alone”.
She is messy but she's kind, She is lonely most of the time, She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie, She is gone but she used to be mine
BACK TO PRESENT
Reminiscing made my stomach twist in knots. To ease my heartache I walk to the one place that always made me feel better, the Uncle Sam Hamburger Express. As I sit down my phone rings with a new trend on twitter. “She Used to Be Mine- Twitch streamer Wilbur Soot opens up about his past relationship with someone struggling with mental issues. Support from not only his own friends but from millions of fans with their own stories share their battle with mental illness and how he has individually helped all of them in his own way”. I smile softly as I see the love that these people share. I helped them and they helped each other. I look up from my phone to the waitress handed me an apple pie, a strawberry milkshake, and a sticky note with a smile on it. I look up to the waitress confused “excuse me miss I never ordered-” She nods her head towards the booth and I turn my head to see the eyes I haven’t seen in 5 years. The same eyes that my kitten hold. The Aria eyes. She comes up next to me and smiles “Hey Will”.
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tempobaekh · 3 years
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Rating Penthouse: War In life characters Pt. 2
I couldn't fit all of them in the first post so here is the second part
⚠⚠CONTAINS SPOILERS⚠⚠
Shim Suryeon
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1000/10
QUEEN
GODDESS
ANGEL
LIKE I LOVE THIS QUEEN SO FUCKING MUCH
SHE IS SO DELICATE AND SOFT
AND MY HEART JUST GOES SKHSJSHSKS WHEN I SEE HER
Ok so her acting is absolutely amazing in the drama
The way the actress pulled off the two characters so well is so amazing and it shows that she has so much talent
She is such an honest, wise, delicate, smart and soft person
But she is also the one that has been through alot
Seeing her own daughter die, seeing her husband die, seeing all the horrible shit Joo Dan Tae did, almost losing Hye In, and also watching a loved one, Logan Lee, die with her own eyes
Everytime something wrong happens you can see so much pain in her eyes that it breaks my heart to see her like that
Her plans for revenge has always been AMAZING
Like she is so smart and I never thought of the plan and it would shock me how she would execute her plan
She so soft hearted like she still cared for Hye In knowing she wasn't her real daughter and cared for her as a real daughter
She still cared for the twins even though they weren't her real kids and still cared for them when they would tell her they hate her and stuff
I also love her like intimidating girl crush side as well
I'm a big simp for her
She is so confident and her acting skills of playing dumb infront of Joo Dan Tae is amazing
Her care towards Rona is also ADORABLE
The best revenge I have seen done by her was in s1 with the like buss area and the masks
And when she held that gun and yelled
" MIN SEOL AH WAS MY DAUGHTER "
Me: SJSSJSJSKHSKSHS
I love this queen
She was also serving amazing looks
I think her honesty and the need to to justice is what made her even more of an angel
Bc everyone is fucked up in Hera Palace
Her destroying Joo Dan Tae's shit was so SATISFYING to watch
LIKE YES GO QUEEN
And when she brought Jung Doo Man with her to the room at the Police Office
I SCREAMED BC HE IS THE ACTOR THAT PLAYED MOTAK IN THE UNCANNY COUNTER AND IS SO HOT
OK ILL STOP
Like yes queen get your revenge
But at the end my poor girl got hurt
Logan: đŸ§đŸ»â€â™‚ïžđŸ‘‹đŸ»đŸ’„đŸ”„đŸ’ŁđŸš˜
Suryeon: đŸ§đŸ»â€â™€ïžđŸ’đŸ˜łđŸ˜ŸđŸ˜­
IM SO SORRY
Her playing Na Aegyo was so hot as well
I loved seeing her girl crush side it was amazing
I love her fit's in every episode
SHIM SURYEON QUEEN
SHIM SURYEON BEST GIRL
Oh Yoon Hee
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8.5/10
Lowkey found her annoying at first
But slowly she got bearable
She has also been through alot and has felt a lot of pain
Having to raise her daughter alone, watched her own boyfriend cheat on her, her daughter getting bullied and getting kicked off the school, losing her daughter, losing Suryeon, getting together happily with Yoonchul, even though it was for the revenge you could still se she was genuinely happy with him, and then losing him AGAIN, getting blamed for her own friends death
My girl has been through a lot
But she still is strong
She came back stronger
I was absolutely shocked when I found out she was the one that threw Seol Ah off the edge
And I was even more shocked when she betrayed Suryeon and kissed Dan Tae
Girl I hope you washed your lips with bleach after that
Her confidence in S2 was so amazing I loved it
She also had a beautiful glow up when she came back
Also loved her fit's
I also liked how she didn't push her crime around and blamed it on other UNLIKE the other Hera Palace people and just admitted and felt sorry for it
I LOVE HER
Kang Mari
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4/10
ANNOYING 4.0
At first I questioned LIKE why is she here
But then I understood bc her husband is going to play an important role
My heart broke when I saw how she found out that her daughter was getting bullied but also had hair loss bc of stress
And her character development
Like my respect went 📈📈
But soon after it went 📉📉
LIKE SHE CHANGED SO QUICKLY WITH LIKE THE SNAP OF A FINGER
And that showed me that she changed not bc she wanted to
but bc she HAD to
I was so disappointed in her
WHEN SHE SLAPPED SEOK KYUNG THO IT WAS SO SATISFYING TO WATCH
Yoo Jenny
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6.5/10
ANNOYING 5.0
At first tho
But then she got better
I found her so annoying at first tho
LIKE OMFG JUST đŸ€œđŸ»đŸ‘©đŸ»
She was cute with Minhyuk tho
Like I shipped them
Her asking Rona if she had eaten and giving her food was ADORABLE
She is soft hearted LIKE I can see it
Her character development was so cute
Like she genuinely became Rona's friend and liked her
And you could see just how much pain she was in and how heart broken she felt when she lost Rona
Like her only genuine friend was taken away from her
I also cried rivers when I saw how horribly she was bullied
Like they almost gave her a eating disorder
I was disappointed that even Minhyuk turned against her
THE WAY SHE SLAPPED EUNBYEOL WAS SO SO FUCKING SATISFYING LIKE
ILL PAY YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN
But also her beginning to dislike Rona broke my heart
Even though she wasn't entirely mad at Rona you could see it
Minhyuk caused a ruckus and threw like flour and eggs but Jenny patiently waited there and didn't want to do that
Also I feel like her rage and heart broken emotion about her mom going to jail
And seeing Rona alive just got mixed together as betrayal and disappointment and hurt
I really hope she becomes better again
Fingers crossedđŸ€žđŸ»
Ha Eun Byeol
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1.5/10
ANNOYING 6.0
PSYCHO
MENTAL PROBLEMS
SHE PISSES ME OFF SO FUCKING MUCH
AND SHE SCARES ME AT THE SAME TIME
HER SMILE IS SCARY AND CREEPY
đŸ”ȘđŸ‘©đŸ»
LIKE GIRL YOU HAIR TUGGING SHIT
SHE WAS SO DESPERATE FOR SEOK HOON
LIKE HER SCENE REMINDED ME OF SOOJIN TRYING TO KISS SUHO IS TRUE BEAUTY
She is so annoying
But she is kinda like her mother
And young child who is forced to accomplish stuff that is out of her hand
Having way to high expectations
Seojin had way high expectations from her and treated Eunbyeol more like a Robot rather than a daughter
And that's the times I felt and for her
Like again she craves affection and love
And only her father was there to give it to her
I think stress caused her to develop like hallucinations and other stuff
She only found comfort in that psycho housekeeper
Bc that housekeeper treated her more like a daughter than her own mom could
Like she hasn't even properly hugged her mom once
But she still a psycho that needs therapy and help
I wonder where she like vanished at the end of S2 with the housekeeper
Min Seol Ah
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QUEEN
ANGEL
SOFT
AMAZING
BEST GIRL
MIN SEOL AH BEST GIRL
I love her so much omfg
She also went through alot
Like her bullying moments broke my heart bc
At one hand she was desperate for money
But also on the other hand she also wanted to accomplish her dream and goal
Amazing voice
And I'm so glad that she has an amazing brother Logan (even though its step)
Her past is also very hurting
I can physically feel my heart hurting when I see her struggles
I really wished we could see more of her
(I'm very sorry if some of them are short that's what I think about the characters and I don't much more to say hehe I'm also very tired and was half asleep while writing this)
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frogdrip · 3 years
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Can’t believe that not even a year ago I was struggling so deeply and obviously, but I couldn’t see it. I was drastically under weight, my veins were bulging, my legs looked like a frail 90 year olds, and my wrists looked like they’d snap. I was super depressed from dating a boy, and was vomiting daily due to that stress. I was really abusing my body, there were a few days I’m surprised I even woke up. I looked back at photos of me yesterday from that time and asked my mom to come into my room and hug me because it made me so emotional. I developed my ED at age 15-17, I’m almost 23 and the amount of times I’ve almost died from it is pathetic. My perception around my ED has changed from “I’m recovered” to “Wow, I never really gave myself a chance.” I now have osteoporosis, neuropathy, eye retinopathy, and extreme GI disorders. How is it that now that I have someone who makes me truly happy to be alive, do I realize just how much time I’ve wasted abusing myself? My relationship with my therapy dog has been the most healing relationship I’ve ever been in. He doesn’t know the words “eating disorder” or “self harm,” he just knows how to love, and have fun, and because of that I don’t think about my past troubles around him. He gets 3 meals a day, and we snack together. He doesn’t care if I gain weight, am ugly, or don’t shower. He just cares that I’m alive. I started taking better care of myself when I realized that I was a nicer, more level headed me for him when I was healthy, versus a tired bitch when I was unstable. Im so happy to have Cricket in my life, he has only improved every aspect of me.
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huniebunny · 2 years
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Preferably something romantic for both, only if that's okay... Creepypasta, name Mitchell. I'm 18 and 5'4, chubby. I suffer mental health and mental disorders and don't trust many people or have many friends, but I'm very loud and don't have a filter for what I say. I'm genderfluid but tend to go for it/itself/etc or clown/clownself/etc. oh, did i mention i really like clowns? i love fun things, but my emotions are complicated so im often silent in public. i lean toward guys. no more txt room :(
[First one! And the first match up to not be so sweet :o ]
You’re Matched With

Laughing Jack...
What's your relationship to them?
Lover | Friend | Family | Acquaintance | Annoyance | Rival | Enemy
How did you meet?
Neither of you knew how you met! You just did and took a deranged interest in each other! Laughing Jack sees a bit of himself in you and that’s only the tip of the iceberg!
First impressions?
You’re definitely something different he’ll admit. He laughs when he uses your pronouns, but never maliciously. It’s just the first time he’s heard of it and he might use them himself occasionally.
General Dynamic:
While your first meeting is an enigma, it was no secret how often LJ steals you away to his abandoned carnival.
You can play all the games you like, eat as much as you possibly can. And the carnival is just empty enough with you and LJ to not be bothersome.
You don’t have to say anything during your time with him because he can see it in your eyes how much you can enjoy yourself. It almost brought back bittersweet memories he’d rather keep locked away.
He’s not too familiar or fond of technology, being an entity that’s centuries old, and so he’ll just pull you into his lap as you scroll to show him all of the creepy cute videos until you get tired of that.
He attempts to give you an old plushie sewed together from parts of other stuffed animals in a horrifically cute amalgamation. Only if you promise to never leave.
TMI:
He gets tense at even the spare thought of you leaving him.
Does everything in his power to keep you for longer and longer every time he whisks you away.
He stuffs you full with sweets and carnival food and attempts to redesign the events when he sees you’re getting bored of them.
If he’s honest, he’s scared.
He doesn’t want you to leave him. You’re the only good thing he’s had in centuries.
He’d kill you before you would even think to leave.
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