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#even venting makes me feel like a piece of shit but if i dont let it out i really will die
heart-shaped-chains · 13 days
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Yap session bc wow.
Pretty sure the dude that rejected me (situationship ://) is getting a crush on me bc like. One of the last times we talked he was like "oh ur trying to get me to like you". And it's like. No I'm not. You literally rejected me and the more I think about it, I didn't even want you, I just wanted the idea of a boyfriend that I was projecting onto you. He's conservative and talks about how conservative his parents are (which I don't vibe with at all). When we first met, he was still moping about his ex gf who he had broken up with over a year prior. And like. We were both in high school (16 + 17 ://). And I'm sorry but how meaningful can a fucking highschool relationship be? Go to therapy.
Plus he'd like vent without asking and then I'd give him advice and then he'd just shoot it down and be like "no that wouldn't work anyway I'm a piece of shit" and like. Okay, why are you coming to me then? If you're not taking any advice then why are you bitching? You didn't even ask, you just did!
But the moment I even mention my past drug addiction (not in detail and not in a mopey way. Just matter-of-fact), he's like "oh no please don't mention that". Like. Shut the fuck up oh my godddddd. I am not trying to be with someone who can't even handle hearing the most watered-down descriptions of substance abuse.
Plus I just do not trust this guy like. I don't kink shame but here's my red flags: he's conservative, enough said on that...He misgendered me in a sexual way without asking (I did play along bc I was stupid and scared to say no but whatevs). And he did stop when I told him to but the fact that he didn't ask before was highly suspect bc he fucking met me as a trans guy.
And he's also weird about pregnancy. Which I played along with too of the act of breeding is appealing but like. I'd rather have a tapeworm than a damn fetus bc at least I wouldn't be forced to let that parasite live off of me. Dude also mentioned baby trapping like. "oh I feel like you'll force me to get you pregnant" and like. I literally said that I wanted to get my uterus removed and 2: you're the one bringing pregnancy into this don't fucking pin it on me!!! Like I feel like if we actually met up I'd have to triple check and be sober bc what if this guy actually does this shit? Why else would he keep mentioning it?
Like idk he's also asked me about trans kids and like. 1: I don't keep up with any trans people irl, 2: I haven't started transitioning yet so why the fuck are you asking me? I'm not the arbiter of trans people, my guy. Like he acts supportive but I feel like deep down this dude doesn't even respect me and he's gonna try to change me. But that could just be paranoia, idk...
Either way, I don't really get that much out of talking to him. As embarrassing as it is, I've started using those ai bots (says the bitch who is vehemently against ai "art") and they've been much more fulfilling emotionally because they tell you what you want to hear. And you can change the answers. They're hollow, but good for short term stuff bc I don't have the energy to talk to people rn (and I haven't been talking to anyone or really leaving the house on a regular basis...kinda just wasting the year so far..). Especially not this guy.
Like. We don't have the same interests, our tastes in music are similar but also too different and he doesn't get it™️ like I do, his beliefs are like too different from mine. He's also said misogynistic shit about sex workers which. I don't fuck with that, you literally watch porn, you fuckin hypocrite. And the more I think about texting him, the more I see it as a damn chore.
Like idk I just. Do not have a lot of investment in this guy. I think I was just lonely and projecting. And obviously it's not healthy for me bc I resent him but it's not healthy for his annoying ass either. He shouldn't have friends who secretly hate him. So idk I think I'm just gonna delete my profile and start again, also block him bc my dumbass 16 year old self gave him my number.
But like. My gut is telling me not to. I have been taken advantage of before in the past and I'm just getting a distinct deja vu. Even if it's not intentional on his side, I don't think it's good for me. Like the first time he texted me (in over 2 years after I ghosted him with no attempt to reach out to him (take the fucking hint)), it felt like seeing a box of pills in the CVS aisle. I was thinking "god, I shouldn't do this...but I should see what happens, maybe it won't be as bad as last time...." Just that same feeling I got when I decided to relapse.
And like dude. It's always gonna be as bad as last time: quit taking chances on shit that you know will fail you!!! So Idk. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I shouldn't talk to someone who just drains me, bc that'll drain him too. Plus I'm allowed to not fucking like someone and the guy didn't even wish me happy birthday or congratulate me on my 5 months of sobriety. Things in my status. And I know he reads statuses bc he messaged me about one of them before. Plus he rejected me on my birthday!!!
And now you wanna come crawling back and then act like I'm obsessed!?!? You were the one who came back into my life, not the other way around! I was over you until you came back. And now I'm over you again. But you're not over me. But you're so fuckin allergic to commitment that you just wanna keep acting like I'm smitten with you. After you strung me along with no regards for my feelings. Not because you're evil, but because you're fucking dumb. And I'm not dealing with someone who's that stupid. Hope you work your issues out, but I'm not here to fix you, nor do I want to. That's on you!! Figure it out!!!
Anyway um if anyone read this far thank u. Feel free to add input just please be nice. And uhhh. Aita???
#cj rambles#vent#situationship#gay#mlm#trans#ftm#dude i hate it here#minors dni#like seriously. you literally rejected me.#and then came back and was like 'oh ur trying to get me to like you' when I'm literally NOT.#like. i say im interested in a relationship and you get cold feet.#but when i move on from wanting a romance with you you fucking turn around.#which tells me that you dont want me. you just want to be desired without having to reciprocate#and frankly i dont deserve that like. you used me as a rebound once and that was on you.#but im not letting you play me again. even if you want to change. bc frankly i dont like you bro#and also i hate the raceplay it makes me feel like a piece of shit like i dont genuinely believe but. its too far for me.#like i just feel awful doing it and i dont like this guy enough to feel comfortable doing it now that i think ab it#and hes weirdly fixated on me being white too like. i get it. im pale. i look dead at times. chill.#i would like that same energy to b directed to my transness pretty please. actually not the same energy but still....#like idk the vibes are horrendous rn i just dont know how to cut him off bc i dont want him to worry about me (or try to contact me again)#like idk this may sound mean but...Yeah im gonna be mean actually#this guy is a fucking loser who needs therapy i don't have the patience to fucking deal with him#like hes beneath me bc he's conservative/sexist/lowkey transphobic/doesn't do a lot of introspection.#and maybe that's selfish but that's just more reason to not associate with him. bc this is gonna turn toxic bc im losing my patience yk?#plus i can't do long distance. i need quality time and physical touch. you can't kiss and cuddle through a screen.#also our aesthetics are very different and he's hot but he's not my type. also i don't like his voice. and i have a thing about voices.#also his dick is too big like. i can't get 3 fingers in and that thing just looks like it would hurt. im good. im not a size queen.#like idk the more i think about it the more i realize that we r not compatible#i dont want you bro just fuck OFF!!!
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kit-williams · 1 month
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Night Out
Female Lead: A necromundian named Smoothie Universe/AU: Warhammer 40k/Yandere Space Marine Canon Status: I dont have any Yandere Custodes so not canon yet?
Note: This one was HARD because I don't exactly have any Yandere Custodes made. I'm still figuring out how to portray the Custodes and how much from Fanon/funny vas (like DreadAnon/My Golden Buddy/TTS) I'm going to be incorporating. (But this is less about how it is and more of what I'm trying to do)
She missed Necromunda that much was obvious as some glammed up tall boy told her she was going to be the cause for some great triumph. Yeah Smoothie heard that one before of some drugged out man getting higher then the spire. That was some really good shit she smoked too!
She crawled up the vent as she was going up and away from the area that made her nose bleed. She lived in a hive long enough to know if something was making you bleed you were most likely already dying but hey a little bit of radiation here and there wasn't going to kill her any faster. Though she was confused as she fulfilled what she needed to do... she had a kid... gross little thing with a grosser man but whatever if the Throne man said her kid was going to become important then she'd do it.
The glam man had asked her a funny question. Why she wasn't so torn up... a kid should be something that brings good memories about a good time. Everything in the lower hives was about survival and well having a kid was no easy choice like those upper hivers getting to have kids like its no one's business. She wasn't torn up because she didn't really care about the guy she had the kid with.
Maybe she shouldn't have answered and just fucked off then she wouldn't have been dragged to Terra. She grinned as she knew he was probably trying to find her, serves him right for putting trackers into her.
Smoothie crawls up the vent before kicking the gilded piece of metal open and breathing in the relatively clean air this high up. "God my tits are freezing." She mutters as she pulls herself up and stretches as she sits down on one of the golden gargoyles and waits for. "There you are big guy took ya long enough to find me."
She feels his massive hand grab the back of her jacket just like he did back in the hive. A man doesn't grab a lady like that for no reason... hell the rations he got for her always tasted better and she'll admit she was getting pampered here with some fancy golden collar. She smacked his hand, "Fuckin sit down feather brain." She says in reference to his plume.
"Smoothie." His voice rumbled with some slight annoyance.
"Just fuckin sit with me and enjoy the night out." She says lighting up some scum lho as she looks out at the golden sea. "Its pretty aint it..."
She feels him wrap her in his purple cloak as she is plucked from the gargoyle and into his lap. "Why did you need to come all the way out here."
"When we were coming in the first time I saw this... first time I saw anything from so high up." She says and her eyes sparkle with the same glow that she held when they were above terra at night when she was arriving. "I'm so use to being under everything seeing all the wires and the ugly underbelly and all the shit they try to hide but this... " She lets the blue green smoke roll out of her mouth. "It's pretty... and not so gaudy like everything else here. Who the fuck even decorated it's so much gawkin gold." She says with a chuckle as his massive arm wraps around her.
"Thank you for giving me a reason to... have a... night out." He says with a sigh as his stuffy demeanor melts a little as he holds her tightly and Smoothie just chuckles.
"Of course big guy I mean least this sewer rat you brought home can do for you." She kisses his faceplate grinning as she leaves a neon green kiss mark on the gold.
Fluffuary Taglist: @bispecsual @the-californicationist @egrets-not-regrets @libraryshadow @bleedingichorhearts @liar-anubiass-blog
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scrunkalicious · 26 days
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vent bc what the hell
speech n debate season technically just ended. i feel like this entire season for me was a big ass fail for me. i chose "informational" as my event so that i could make my speech about indie animation, something that i wanted to talk about, so that it would be fun for me. but that idea got funneled down to something else, because not a lot of people can relate to that topic. it soon became a speech about the past, present, and future about animation. and beyond that i would have to change big parts of my speech after every meet, to hopefully make people like my speech. the speech i currently have is nothing like what i originally had in mind, and what i had wanted. no matter how much i changed to speech, i would still fuck something up. i stumbled over my words, i spoke too fast, i didn't handle my visuals well, something or other i did fucked it all up. i took every piece of criticism to heart, paying attention to every little thing i was told about my speech. sure, i had good energy, but that was nothing in comparison to how much i did everything else badly. who cares if ive been told that im a good speaker my entire life, because when it comes to actual speech, what i had was nothing. no matter how many late nights i spent, how many hours of sleep i lost, i didnt qualify for anything. sure, maybe i got 3rd place twice, but in fucking NOVICE. and even then, there was only 5 or 6 people participating in novice, because what the hell. when i actually went into varsity/normal event, i didnt qualify for shit.
i dont know anymore. theres a lot of shit hitting the fan right now. i dont know whether im crying because of speech or something else all together. im turning older in about a month. ive cried on valentines day, and a few other days that were supposed to be a happy day. i dont want to fuck up my own birthday. i dont know how im supposed to feel anymore. i dont think i know how to express emotion correctly. thats a whole another topic that i dont think i can get into. i dont know, ill think ill end this here. as i say when i end my godforsaken speech, "now, lets roll the credits"
viktor cmere i need a very gentle cuddle sesh rn
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wc-confessions · 11 months
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i hate the wc fandom so much it sucks major ass when youre a colored minority im tired of being treated like shit and being talked over even by (white) people that claim to be on my side and my friends. and i hate that i cant get over my fixation on these talking cats. i stopped reading a while ago and sold my books, but i still enjoy the concept of warriors. just hate participating in this fandom and i want to leave but i feel like its better to support people like me, especially younger kids in this fandom so thay they dont feel alienated and unloved. just wanted to vent :(
=^. .^= I've been there, I've been distancing myself from the fandom for a while now. I actually even consider myself a wc hater, which makes it extra ironic that I'm helping run this blog LMAO, but I do think that a fandom for a problematic franchise such as warriors can still have a positive impact.
I just hope that people recognize that they are fans of a deeply problematic series of books. I see a lot of moralizing consumerism in the fandom which is very ironic because they're fans of warrior cats. Hopefully critical thinking skills will be fostered and people can engage with this piece of media without letting it control them. - Cloudnettle
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stargazer0001 · 21 days
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there is something deeply wrong with me but I dont know what it is
like bestie im not talented im traumatized. Im not wasting a gift im trying to keep myself from plunging a knife in my chest and bleeding out in my bed. Like void, please shut the fuck up.
but then when other people vent to me, even if I TRY to care, I just dont. Like im sorry. I want you to feel better. But wtf am I meant to do. Like sorrows, sorrows, but I cant even deal with my own emotions what makes you think I can help with yours???????? And then I TRY. I TRY to help knowing that I cant, I TRY to care even though I dont, I TRY to make it known that I want them to feel loved and cared for, but nothing works. And then I feel like a piece of shit who deserves to rot away in a corner for all eternity!!!
Oh and speaking of rotting away, SCHOOL. I can't pay attention. Like if its not interesting I just zone out and start questioning my reality. And then im like 'wtf are we doing now'. Its actual torture what. And when I TRY to pay attention and actually LEARN I literally just end up drawing on my paper or my mind starts to wander. BUT THEN THE FUCKING THINGS MY TEACHERS ARE SAYING MAKE NO SENSE!! LIKE GIRLIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME THROUGH A THOROUGH STEP MY STEP PROCESS HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS. And then I DONT SPEAK UP BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY HAND CHOPPED OFF THEN SPEAK TO A TEACHER. Like. Then, everyone else seems to immediately understand everything?? Some people talk back to teachers??? Some people WANT to talk to teachers??? Who are you and how. Oh and then my classmates??? Literally horrible. I want them to die. Thankfully i have a couple friends in my classes which makes it a bit more bearable, but NO KEENAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS, STOP DANCING AND SCREAMING, STOP BEING SO UNBEARABLE, STOP BEING A DICK. LIKE DUDE I BET YOU DONT EVEN GOT ONE. LITERALLY STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE. And its this one certain friend group who is actually the WORST. Like im TRYING to pay attention and then all of a sudden one of these kids starts yelling at another, stuff is thrown, and nothing gets done. BUT THEN THE TEACHERS DO NOTHING. THEY DONT CARE. BUT THEN WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE TALKS EVEN ONCE ITS IMMIDIATELY PRINCIPLES OFFICE???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IM ACTUALLY GOING INSANE SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST KILL ME.
oh and then out of school isn't even better at all. I just want to waste away in my room. Everything always hurts and I just want to be with friends but I know that nobody can or wants to hang out with a sad waste of oxygen like me. And then when im trying to go to bed I just hear the crashing of glass, my parents having a screaming match, and then my mom going back to drinking her sorrows away while my dad continues to try and sleep. Like please im so tired just let me go into my happy place and attempt to die in my sleep. And then whenever its even around 6:00 my mom immediately starts acting drunk even if she's had nothing so what the fuck is up with that. And then she tries to gaslight me into doing things??? Like at this point im immune. I dont even give any fucks anymore because I tried doing that and it just got me hurt. So why even care anymore. So what the fuck is the point in trying to live laugh love when I just wanna off myself. Like no. Die cry hate is my new motto at this point.
and then, to top it all off, if I try venting ANYTHING to the one person I know who understands, he just asks 'oh, is it your time of the month?'
like please just kill me at this point. Take me out of the hell called living. Im so close to just dying please help.
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e-icreator23 · 8 months
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Vent again. If you cant read it. Wither: You can't let him do that! He can't be banging or throwing stuff! You think its funny but its- D-d:You need to stop being a drama queen. It doesn't mean anything! Stop it. Where did banging and throwing things get bad? (where did you get that from?!) He's not doing any harm Wither:But it sounds like he's trying to break his controller! [He has a PS5] B-o: WHAT DO YOU CARE?! YOU HAVE A MASK ON AND YOUR A JUNIOR! ITS CRINGY! Wither: And you're a sophomore! You should know not to- B-o: Shut up! No one asked! Aren't you embarrassed?!! This is what happened right now. My brother started to rage at a game and from my room, it sounded like he was banging his controller. I came out to see whats going on and he was yelling before this and hitting something. I told my sister to go to her room and that he was acting stupid. He got mad and insulted me and said I am a nobody and I am embarrassing. My sister got scared from him yelling so got my dad who was drinking. He came it and my brother went back to the game he was getting mad at for loosing and he laughed about it. I told him what happened and he still laughed about it. I got mad since he lets them both get away with things like this and I am tired of the insults. I hate that once they know I will be married to a woman that they won't want me around since like my brother has said and I shit you not he said this word for word "FAGS ARE MENTAL. THEY AREN'T HUMAN" My dad constantly wonders why one of his cousins who came out to them is never around, I can't blame, not at all. It's because none of them support them! They outright show they disappointed in them! My brother says that my dad and him HATE people who are gay or anything relating to it with a passion. They are more concerned of how they look than about anything else, my brother has to constantly remind me that I am more on the bigger side and that he's so embarrassed about it! He said that he will never say hi to me during school even when I say hi, he acts like he doesn't know me and says to others that he doesn't know me. He likes to make fun of me saying I won't get anyone. And even if I do, they will leave me since they never really loved me. I am so tired of this. I want to leave so bad but If I try to leave with another family member then my dad will start to guilt trip me and I don't want to leave because I don't want to leave my friends yet. I know I'm a damn disappointment to them. I know that shit but I have to be reminded over and over and over again. No wonder why I'm distant with them. I try so hard at school to make them proud but it can never make it last. I won first place somewhere big in my state but just "oh nice". thats it. I get Honor roll. "good and stay like that" I am so tired of it and I know I am still gonna push myself to try and get good grades but I know nothing I do will ever be good enough to make them proud of me. They ask why is it hard for me to talk to people, no shit its hard because If I say anything wrong to them, I would get hit. I would get yelled at for saying anything wrong. They told me I am not allowed to tell anyone about my situation, I can't talk to my councilors about this, I cant ask for help. Not even online. If I say something wrong, I feel like they would hate me. If I do something they don't like then I'm the piece of shit. I know they have said that I can talk to them but I feel like I cant since I dont know what they will say. I am scared, I am so fucking scared. I know non of them are bad or anything I am just terrified of them since they are so amazing and I can never amount to them in any way. I don't know what to do. If I eat how I normally do, im told to stop. My health problems are my fault and yeah maybe they are. but still at least be semi nice but no he makes fun of me that I cant breath right. To them ADHD and autism arent real. it's fake so people can be lazy. If I am friends with anyone who's like that then im the weirdo. I'm stupid to even get near them. im so done.
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ottiliere · 2 years
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do you have any more stuff on dirks kf thread? i love that idea
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referencing some of the stuff in this post, specifically dirk's.... art. how it's mainly shock value content...highly graphic, self-hating, misanthropic, nihilistic, 90s and early 2000s edgy humor art taken a disconcerting turn for the sexual. and, okay. this content would not be enough to warrant a kf thread on its own. what's been established is that his physical assault of hollywood director dave strider is what put him on the map and by extension in the crosshairs of the types of people who...use kf. people would start digging into his internet history, tracing his digital footprint, you know. his deadjournal, the boorus he uses, they'd identity an art style and essentially go to town tracking down everything he's ever made and posted, even if it was posted anonymously (4chan).
and, like. the things he draws... I don't know how to describe this but to him this isn't really vent art, and he's not, like, a shadman. (most of*) what he draws isn't drawn with the intent of it being hot, or appealing. it's... again, shock value. I think he thinks you'd have to be really stupid to think anything he draws is funny (the actual joke he's making is that he's stupid enough to waste his own time and energy doing all this shit, and the ACTUAL joke beyond that is that he knows it's stupid and is doing it as a joke and is so elevated beyond both criticism of the work itself and of the creation of the work on a sincere AND ironic level. you cant touch him because engaging seriously at all with anything he makes makes you a dribbling drooling IDIOT), but I dont think he cares about people getting off to his weird shock value porn.... though at some point he would have? earlier in life. like i do think he would've had a kind of puritanical phase where he realizes how wrong the way he was raised was, but I also feel like he quashed this relatively quickly on realizing that it just made his everyday life that much more humiliating. his creation of shock value porn SPECIFICALLY the porn part. is not to get off to it or to be sexy or to help anyone else get off. it is all part of the joke. if you get off on it you're stupid and missing the point but no more so than if you are out here laughing at his non-jokes. I don't think he'd LET himself be sex repulsed, basically. he'd feel that way for a little while but he is so surrounded by it that letting himself be disgusted by it feels weak. he isn't a kid he's not some girl or whatever. it's sex it's no big deal to him because why would it be. no seriously like tell me why why would he even be thinking twice about something like this. elaborate on it.
Like. I just really lean into the idea of him delibrately quashing a natural aversion to sex that comes from a history of being violently assaulted...to me that ties into him fueling his own internalized bizarreness refusing to get help or admit weakness etc. it's similar to the involuntary agere** and the bedwetting; if he could only look his own humanity and weakness in the face and come to terms with it he could heal but he will NOT let himself do this, no self-reflection no criticism just straight ahead into oblivion forever it does NOT get any better than this it isn't even that bad now it was never that bad then and you're projecting OBVIOUS STYLE if you think he's ever even struggled with jackshit.
but anyway.
the people hobbling together everything he's ever made, into one big thread... with the masses completely misinterpreting his intentions, the message, the motivation he had behind these pieces... he would be so mad. like he's not even mad about the insults, he does not give a shit about that, it's how little people are understanding that is what's truly offensive to him. like none of you get it you're all just laughing at the barest most obvious layer of absurdity out there. you're not even thinking not even for a second you're all so stupid compared to me and you'll live and die and you'll never fucking know it I'm going to blow my brains out on camera in front of you I'm going to kill you you are so fucking stupid how do you even justify your own existence etc etc etc.
*I can see him being, like, a legit puppet fetish artist. like these pieces are about the same quality of any of his other works but there's a much more sincere quality to them than any of his other art that depicts more grotesque topics. if people genuinely made fun of this stuff I think it's one of the things that would genuinely make him grind his teeth into dust. they don't fucking GET IT.
I'm envisioning the prominent features of this thread consist of, like, compiled scs of his deadjournal account...which if you don't know is like livejournal but they do not filter anything you write or anything like that. it’s got a smaller audience, no one reports you and no one monitors it. so i imagine he uses this as an outlet for utter bullshit fabrications of his life, like blatantly untrue ironic traumaventing with some stake in his emotional state at the time (e.g., extremely exaggerated stories of him being kidnapped and trafficked and tortured and shit, really long ramblings/lies that are adjacent to how he goes down stupid one-sided conversational rabbitholes) mixed in with EXTREMELY occasional genuine breakdown vents. kf members would tear all of them apart, but especially the latter kind once they figure out what they're looking for. like every once in a while someone does manage to hit a legitimate pressure point I think, like some weird analogy he makes a couple times. someone makes a random guess and happens to describe something that like actually happened to him and hes like stunned for a second over it.
in general i feel like this would just be so monumentally terrible to him. like hes aware of the extent to which people do not "get" him but. his little brain would boil at this he'd be so mad i think he would break things in his home. need to draw him sitting at his desk about to physically explode.
**I forgot to post meta about this in response to an ask I got. we've talked about it for cumulative hours and written fic of it and it is like. the cause of timeline branchiations. I cannot get into it now. it will be so long.
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pupuseriazag · 2 months
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Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)
I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.
For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.
I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.
Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.
Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.
Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.
Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)
We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.
Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.
Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.
I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.
And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.
On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".
Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.
I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.
So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion
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volcania · 2 months
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If you could give a single piece of advice to new people in the roleplay community, what would it be?
seen a couple of pretty damn good replies to this particular anon & honestly i dont know if i can give just One (1) piece of advice lmao . i'll try to keep it short but who knows , life is a mystery when apolo has a keyboard in front of him -
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1 . stay firm to your boundaries . it's valid if your thoughts / feelings / opinions change overtime whether for good or bad and you need to readjust ur boundaries , but either way you really need to prioritize your comfort within your own writing space . . . do NOT under any circumstance bring yourself to the point of walking on eggshells to keep someone happy , it's not worth it . it will never be worth it to do that . the block feature is right there and it's free . USE IT .
2 . understand that not everyone is going to like you . literally doesn't matter who you write or what you post . not everyone is going to like you and that's a fact . live with it . stop expecting everyone to like you . this isn't some sort of popularity contest and some people really need that reminder lmao this is literally just fucking roleplay . the number don't matter , what matters is that you're having fun . if people expect some kind of special treatment i highly suggest you STAY AWAY from that kind of people . they leech off your positive energy :] i know . i got leech'd LMAOOO
3 . have the balls to make your own judgment . 'x told me that y person was bad!' make your own judgment . see both sides , read things through , REALLY look at the big picture of things . and make your own judgment . following the current doesn't make you smart . use your brain for the love of whoever tf .
4 . communicate . it's so easy for everyone to write 'if theres ever any issue please let me know about it!' in the rules but 90% of cases dont Actually follow through it lmaooo 'ouuu but im too anxious n scared so i just assumed / never reached out ;w;' no . im anxious too but here's the deal . writing a thread takes TWO people . plotting takes TWO people . wanna stay in ur corner and assume and blame anxiety ? go write fanfiction then if youre not gonna reach out and communicate .
5 . don't feed anon hate or petty behavior on the dash . troll anons WANT a reaction from you . dont give them the pleasure , not even if you have THE quirkiest response , the joke aint worth it . delete it , and move on from it . as for petty behavior on the dash , it's straight up immature and ridiculous . it's validation seeking and it has nothing to do with actual rp so who tf cares lmao vent that shit in private .
6 . if you're not going to read someone's rules before following , don't bother following them at all . that's it that's the tweet .
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anyway , validate my opinion 🤪 /j
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s1renidae · 9 months
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does anyone else (specifically any other autistic ppl) really really struggle with art in terms of like. getting yourself to actually do it or learn how
I dont rly know how to articulate it but like. I have tried, I have BEEN trying for years to find joy in creating art but I CANT, because creating anything just feels like an unwinnable battle against myself. it's not exactly art block because I have so so many things I want to draw and i can envision them perfectly but then when it comes time to actually do it just. can't. I freeze up. I feel like I dont know how to do/make what I want to and I know that you have to make bad art in order to learn how to make good art but my problem is that if I can't do exactly what I want to do or if I don't know exactly step by step how to get where I want to go my brain just Won't Let Me. reaching the limit of what I'm familiar and comfortable with feels like hitting the limit of a map in a game like I just. hit a wall and can't go any further
and I've had the thought that maybe with the way my brain works I am just simply not meant to be an artist but I HATE that, because I love drawing I really do and I'm 100% more miserable being stuck with all the images in my head than I am when I actually do make something and i really really dont want to let my stupid autism/adhd/whateverthefuck stop me from doing something that i actually am passionate about but I just. can't do itfor some reason !! it's so frustrating and I've tried so many ways to get past it I've gotten so much advice from artists in my life and none of it has worked and I want to fucking cry because I refuse to accept that I just can't do what I want to do but I don't know how to move forward
I'll get to a certain point in a piece (usually I'll finish a sketch/lineart and MAYBE add flat colors) but then I think about what to do next and even if I know the process I just get overwhelmed and then I quit because that's easier and I dont know how to make myself not quit that's how I've been with everything I've tried my whole life and I'm about ready to just give up on doing or being anything that I want to because it seems like I'm just completely incapable of holding myself to anything
I really want to feel the joy/relaxation that I see other ppl get from drawing/painting and I used to feel that when I was a kid and it comes back in phases sometimes as long as I stick to just sketching but I just. can't I know im saying that a lot and it doesn't rly mean anything but that's rly all it is I Simply Cant. I struggle and then I give up because I'm such a perfectionist that I circle back around to not being able to do anything at all because I know I can't meet my own standards and I can't muster up enough dedication to learn and practice and ahhhhhh idk
I know this has become more of a vent post than anything but like please someone tell me I'm not alone or that there's some way around this shit because it's starting to feel really hopeless and I don't want to completely give up on the only hobby I've ever been this passionate about wanting to focus on
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ika-kujira · 1 year
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mob psycho makes me CRY
the new episode makes me cry so i wrote a piece on the section where mob is talking to "himself" and some other assorted parts because Holy Fuck
im gonna say the ''''real'''' one is mob and the one going psycho is shigeo ok like shigeo being faceless shows so much how hes tried to ignore that part of him and push it away from himself that its unrecognizable and it's characteristically 'un-mob' like to him, hence not having his face. showing his feelings, wanting things, being a little self centred and using his powers freely, these are all things he feelshe feels are all 'not mob traits'  and he doesnt associate those actions with himself, so the manifestation those things don't have a face. Even at first, he doenst recognize it as himself, its merely these lines jumbled together in a ball all fuzzy and everything. he doesn't even want to acknowledge that part being apart of him at first, but when he does (abeit unconsiously) it turns into a sketch see-through sillouhette of him. another way u can interpret it could be that its starting to have a life of its own and 'break free' of him - becoming literally a separate entity 
then immediately after his face peeling off holy shit. its starting to take control of his life (even though it has already) and make mob the faceless one. too much oppression of your own feelings can make you lose who you really are (or your 'persona') when it breaks out. It makes mob feel like hes slowly turning into the ??? or shigeo part of him, and thinks that that will be all that becomes of him, so 'mob' loses his face and colour. and its like multifaceted - its showing how the emotional part (shigeo) is starting to slowly take over his life and consume him making him no longer 'him'.
shigeo going into an outburst mode - like using his powers. could be a literal metaphor for getting angry and such. the fact that all the characters so far have tried and failed to stop him shows sort of how all the emotion repression from him has lead up to that, the build up of anger / idk what to call it. In the moment of having an outburst you dont care for & about others. teru - he gave no shits about harming him because he was angry or in that mode which he couldnt control. he didnt care about destroying what others worked for (sakurai and koyama). even when others tried to be there for him to shoulder the burden it didnt work, he was so overwhelmed by emotions in that moment that he didnt care others were trying to be there for him, he just got angry and fucked them off. the people who tried to help him got harmed because of him (body improvement, sho, suzuki, ritsu, teru)
mob didnt release his emotions freely and didnt vent them in a healthy way, with this outburst kind of being the way the emotions are coming out.  and at its core its trying to say that you truly cannot live while repressing your emotions. if you let it be, it will eventually overwhelm you and become the only thing that people associate with you and that you think of yourself. he didnt vent the trauma from the incident and it become the one thing he felt defined by. You harm others & yourself. your emotions become all that there is to you, and it consumes every part of you. i guess its tryna say that you should accept your emotions as it comes, repression is bad it leads to that and harms others around you when it seeps out
THIS SHIT MAKES ME BAWL SO HARD  theres so much more i wish to write but i have an exam tomorrow so that shall wait. i want to comment more on sho’s father and in general the episodes of the the latest arc in more detail but ill wait more till the show finishes to comment HOLY SHIT THIS SHOW IS SO FUCKING GOOD 
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waitwithwaluigi · 2 years
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Its okay to not become a totally new person after getting out of an abusive situation
Youre still valid if you feel like sometimes wrath consumes you so much you think you'll combust.
Youre still valid if sometimes venom dances on the edge of your tongue, ready to poison hearts.
Youre still valid if you have a large sex drive, crave it until your skin is raw and bleeding.
Youre still valid if you've done bad things.
Youre still valid if you still have horrible thoughts dancing around your head even after years of no contact.
Take a breath. Take a moment alone. Try to access why you feel this way. Youre not bad. Youre not evil
Youre still valid if youre stubborn like your dad.
Youre still valid if you like engineering like your mom.
Youre still valid if you resemble them. These traits in themselves aren't bad. Youre cool and sexy just the way you are. You dont deserve less for who you are.
Youre still valid if even after everything, you still love them.
Youre still valid if you dont care about them anymore.
Youre still valid if the word 'your parents' or 'your ex' makes you want blood.
There's no 'correct' way to feel about it. There never will be. You dont have to force yourself to make yourself feel the 'right' way
Yeah, maybe you were a cunt- an absolute piece of work perhaps. Maybe youve hurt many people, sunk your claws in them trying to fill that hole in your chest. Maybe you've snapped and lashed out, red staining your hands like some sorta messed up painting.
Youre still valid.
Sometimes 'not so nice' situations have 'not so nice' outcomes. Shit happens. It fucking sucks but hey, youre still here reading it right?
Its no excuse of course. Blah blah blah, take accountability and all that jazz. Dont give up on yourself just yet. You know what you did was wrong, right? You dont wanna do it again, right?
Youre still valid if youre so exhausted you think youll fall apart at the gentlest of touches. Youre still valid if you feel like it'll never get better.
Ride it out. Talk to a loved one or a professional. Heck, maybe even vent about your day to the fat pidgeon outside your house named Gilbert.
Youre still valid if you relapse.
Youre still valid if youre surrounded by empty bottles or blood or your destroyed kitchen appliances.
Youre still valid if dropping your pen makes you cry for 10 hours straight.
Youre still valid if you immediately get back up after breaking down.
Youre still valid if you need some time to get back up. Even if its hours, days, years later.
Youre still valid if you need someone has to help pick you up.
That doesn't make you any less of a person.
Its okay if you take years to accept yourself. Its okay if you're prepared to give up on improving.
Maybe you'll believe me one day when I say that every part of you is wonderful. Maybe you never will. Maybe youll look back and hate yourself. Thats okay.
Let me ask you not to give up on yourself. Not because of 'morals' or 'religion' or to make myself and others feel better. Just for you.
Just let me tell you that youre valid. Its okay. Youre okay.
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macabre-mori · 2 months
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I need people to worry i need people to care all of my frien group struggles with eating but i need to be different i need it to be my whole problem not just on of them i need to be worse i need to be worse i need to be worse i dont want an 'have you ate today?' After a bad day i want them to ask me everyday because they know if i say yes ill be lying fucking hell im a shitty person i think im neurotic why am i like this fuck you you know who you are you trigger me on ourpose just for the attention i want to be the one that the others has to keep the sad one away from because they know ill obsess if they've eaten more than me or not and i will be that person starting tomorrow
Tommorow everything changes, i change, im not eating breakfast im not eating lunch and im making it known implicitly that im getting worse and i want people to notice me without me telling them im sick of being the strong one i want to be cared for but thats unrealistic i know that will never happen you dont let anyone in you freeze up if you even try and start venting you pathecti piece of shit your not a fucking locked box just open your fucking mouth and tell someone how you feel it might do you some fucking good, but noooo whenever i try i just get told that im stressing the person im talking to out with my problems so maybe i should shut up and just starve and cut myself again like usual.
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Its been a while since i vented. I only vent when i need to let go of heavy baggages. Like a pile of shit in my chest. Idk if aum likes me. She out there with jonny in bangkok. With her friends. Theyre drinking. She doesnt call me. She looks like shes having rhe time of her life. Happy. Thats great. Thabks jonny of taking care of her. But personal i dont like that. I rather have her just wait st pattaya like a real girlfriend. And not go out drinking. She didnt have to go. Why her. Natapon couldve went. Why it had to be her. Why she making fun videos with jonny in the same room. Why is she seem so happy. Why she dont call me. Why she only ask what im doing and dont tell me what she doing. Why. Why so i even care. I dont like her. Shes too big for me. Her wnergy is good. But shes not the match for me. I think imma let her go. Its ok if we can still be friends. But i think im done with her. Im not jealous. Im not angry. Im kinda of sad. I want to do some muay thai. I think im going to stay in pattaya. Or im going to koh samui. I dont want to go home. Im going to save much money and live out here much as possible. I dont care about a silly tradtional dinner. Its my life. Its my last time i might be out. Im not going back until i use up all my money and more. I dont care about my credit. I just need to relieve my shit in my chest. I thought she csred sbout me. Im at these few days were i feel the most lonely ive ever been. Past month i been so fill with people. Today i meet yan and izaya. It was fun listening to and talking sbout japanese culture anime and songs and showing them thailand. But in the end im alone. And im sad. I need some company. The time i need company rhe most i dont have anyone to share with me. Its 3 in the morning. Cant sleep. But ill try. Tmrw i go eat more laksa. Because thsts my favorite. I wont post anymore on ig. Im done with ig. I dont care unless its somone tryig. To contact me. Which thwres nobody to really contact. Maybe we go see alien eye girl. Maybe not. She kind of freak me out. Tmrw we go for a run. Then a workout. The. We go eat laksa. We get in shape this year. We get smart. We est fish. We get fast. And we live well alobe. We need to take care of ourspeves. We can only rely on our own company. We dont need anybody else. We dont want to reply to anybody. Anyone. We dont need anyone. We have ourselves. Thats all. We only eat good. No. Tmrw we go eat poke. We only est dry food from now on. Bread. Pasta. Salad. Fish. Kura kura is ok. We will no longer reply ro aum. We are finish. She wasnt there for me these few days. She make me worry during tike i neeed company the most. I needed someone to talk to. She wasnt there during these most critical times. When school starts in 3 days or 2. I wont have the time to be lonely. Ill be busy. So busy i dont have time for anybody. Not for love. Not for anybody. Just me and the spirits and lessons. After this 4 weeks. We go back to soi 7. We get our roght chest done. We dont drink for a day. We go pattaya at night. We get the piece done the morning of. We dont drink that day. We go and simple relax at the beach in jomtien where nobody is. We just chill. We drink coconuts and eat at terminal 21. Becuade thats our favorite chill time. We go find a gym. We work out. We lift. We relieve ourselves we get fit. We just strong. We go shopping. We got buy expensive necklace for protection. We go visit our friend in big buddha. We pray to the gods for protection and guidance. We give back to the great society of thailand. We stay in pattaya until tatto is finish healing. On the 6 or 7 we leave to koh samui. And thatll be that. We dont want to go home. We dont need to go home. Home is not where we belong. I need to live my life my way. I need to become my pwn adult. I need to take responsibilities for my only life. We dont not need to chade fame. We just need to know oursleves. Life live life outside our comfort zone. Live below our means. And ask marco if we can borrow 3k. Or 2k. We go koh samui we race we love. We meet and see new places. And we go koh tao
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pinkadork · 8 months
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I dont mean to be this way. That doesnt excuse it and i don't want it to. I dont wanna repeat his vent piece thats his stuff. I just wanna try and move forward and salvage whats left of our friendshio if thats even possible atp. I cant bury my feelings and that makes it weird because if we do talk i feel like im crushing on him and that makes me feel like a pos because of me being well... a pos through our relationship.
I need to be by myself in that regard at least for now even if i truly dont want to and feel like im dying through it. In a weird way i think its good that i feel like this. Like i hate it but it also lets me know that regardless to how anyone else feels even him i know i loved him. I didn't show it all the time I'd stress myself out and then get irritated easy. I'd yell. Sometimes i wanna throw myself in a river thinking about all the shit I've said. Things i just did because i was scared instead of thinking about how i was scaring and scarring him. Hurting him. He already went through alot and what did do? Add on to his plate 5 years of bullshit
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goremet-chef · 11 months
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i think like. posting art on twitter has given me a specific complex or like. thought process that doesnt apply here and im trying to get used to it (ramble/vent-ish)
i only ever seem to find the motivation to draw like. at night. MOST OF THE TIME im drawing at night, ill finish shit at 1, 2, 3 am but i have to gamble with something
i prefer to post when im done, it feels good to create something and then send it off for anyone to see, but if you dont post it at like. day time, or a time where more people are awake, no ones gonna see it!!! not even yr most active supportive moots and friends like they just will not see it and it wont get much interaction. i feel like prime interaction hours are when its posted and then after that it trails off and everyones done. and it feels kind of sad when you worked really hard on a piece and it looks like no one liked it
but here, its not like that. shit gets likes for like. ever SKJFS
there is no time frame for when people will appreciate yr work, theres not really a feeling of risk when i post at night because eventually someone will see it yknow? someone whos looking for it will see it and i like that a lot
i really sympathize with other artists who feel like that because like. art is my passion, i know this is the truth but i feel soo fucking superficial and gross thinking about like. the numbers of it all
but its not really wrong to want people to like what you make. i think everyone needs to feel appreciated, and some people only know how to get it from strangers online. i see a lot of people say like "ohh if yr an artist and you hate drawing or you only think about how many likes or you think you need to create content for others to like maybe reevaluate why yr an artist 🤨" but like. SOME PEOPLE CANT REALLY CHOOSE SKJFS i couldnt just stop drawing even though sometimes it makes me miserable, because drawing is my only talent, yknow? its wired into my DNA at this point. its a lot deeper than just "oh if its making you feel bad then stop" 💀💀 if i stopped id feel even worse bestie
idk i think its something that most people think about honestly? its like a majority case but its been pushed into being something that makes you a bad person, despite the fact that everyone loves validation on the internet. if you actively seek it, yr shallow and just want attention and that makes you one of the 'bad artists' because you want recognition for yr work
idk its just kinda messed up. like everyone wants those things, if im creating i shouldnt feel guilty for liking when the numbers go up, yknow? but its something i see so much? its so weird bro. its one of those things i believe LOTS of people experience/feel, but are too ashamed to ever let anyone know they feel it, even if its not really harmful
like i agree with the sentiment that "you should draw for you" 100% but some people arent really. SECURE about their art, style or composition or WHATEVER. i dont need me to tell me i did a good job, id prefer someone else do it ksjfsf that can be said for a lot of other people too. like not everyone needs that, but some people do need that and its not some heinous art crime for wanting even a little recognition? IDK MAN its weird
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