#even if some parts. well are gonna be scary... im dreading doing the eyes lol. but future me's issue lol. but idk. its just been rly cool o | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

horansqueen · 5 years

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BabyGirl 8.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.5k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ please tell me if youre still interested in this story? i feel like its dying slowly lol ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate.

♥ PART 1 // PART 2 // PART 3 // PART 4 // PART 5 // PART 6 // PART 7

8.0 PIZZA SAUCE & VESTIGE OF LOVE

HIM

When the doorbell rang, I was not sure if it was the pizza or Louis and I was surprised to see Louis holding the pizza I ordered with a incredibly huge grin. Freddie was looking at me, his head laying against his father's shoulder and when I reached to grab the pizza, Louis pulled away and moved his son closer to me.

"Take Freddie, I don't trust you with the pizza." he joked, making me roll my eyes with a smile.

I took Freddie in my arms and walked inside, taking off his coat and stuff while Chelsea was looking at us excitedly.

"Where is the most beautiful princess on the planet?" Louis asked a bit too loud as he took his own coat off, putting the pizza on the couch.

"Uncle Louiiiis!"

"There she is!" he let out with a grin, crouching down to her level and opening his arms.

She threw herself at him and they hugged tight, making my heart twist in my chest. I was still mad at him. Mad that he hid my own daughter from me. Mad that he lied to me all these years. Mad that I couldn't trust him anymore. And also jealous. Jealous that he formed a bond with my daughter, a bond I desperately wanted and needed.

He got up, bringing her with him as he kept on holding her tight. I don't know if it's the way I was looking at him but when our eyes met, his smile faltered and he put my daughter back on the ground.

"Okay kids, how about we eat that pizza?"

Freddie's face seemed to light up while Chelsea just threw her arms in the air again with an other "Yessss!". Louis made his way to the couch and I bent down from behind it.

"Not in the living room, Lou, they're kids and this is pizza."

With a low sigh, Louis got up again and grabbed the box as the kids stared at him. I was aware Louis knew how to take care of a kid but we were very different persons and he knew me well enough to be aware of my habits. I did eat in the living room, of course, and with adults it could always pass, but kids were an other story.

"Come on guys, let's go in the kitchen!"

They followed him obediently and he helped Freddie on a chair as I grabbed a few plates. Louis joined me and search for a pair of scissors before cutting small pieces of pizza for his son. I watched him and did the same on a different plates and we brought them to the kids who started eating with their hands. I grimaced but decided to keep my mouth shut as we both took a few pieces of pizza, joining them at the table.

It's only when they were done that my heart seemed to literally stop in my chest. The table was covered with pizza sauce and while trying to get down from her chair, Chelsea gripped it and left red traces on the white wood.

"Chelsea wait!"

She didn't listen and kept walking, making me hold my breath. I almost tripped to catch her and grabbed one of her wrists gently, making her look up in my eyes.

"I'm going to the bathroom to clean." she explained, blinking a few times.

I stared at her, my heart still beating hard against my rib cage. It was hard to remember that kids don't think like us and I obviously knew my daughter didn't mean wrong, but it was something I was just not used to yet. I looked up when Louis joined us, extending me some wipes and keeping a few.

"Chelsea, you know the rules, darling, don't you?" he let out, grabbing her free wrist and moving it up while cleaning her hand.

"I forgot."

I remained motionless for a few more seconds before imitating him, wiping the grease from her other hand until it was completely clean.

"Are you done eating now?" he asked again, letting go of her wrist as she nodded. "Okay, you can go back to the living room to watch the movie. Freddie will join you soon.

My eyes followed her until she was out of sight and finally moved back to Louis.

"Thanks.." I said as he grabbed the dirty wipes from my hands.

"You're welcome."

We walked back to the kitchen and Louis cleaned his son too before putting him down from his chair and telling him to go join Chelsea to watch the movie. It took Freddie longer to walk away but we remained silent until we were all alone.

"Don't worry mate, that kind of thing is easy to remember." he just said, grabbed a few more wipes to clean my chair. "It's everything else that's complicated."

I got out of my thoughts and walked to the sink to grab a cloth, wetting it quickly and bringing it back to the table. Louis and I both cleaned in silence and when we were done, I turned to him again, leaning against the counter.

"It's going well though, she called me 'uncle' a few days ago."

Louis smiled wide and sat back at the table, his body still facing me. I didn't know why I wanted to share all this with him, but he was pretty much the only person I could talk about it with besides my ex girlfriend.

"Chelsea calls people like that when she loves them." he explained.

"I know. I feel lucky she already considers me family." I admitted with a small shrug. "I just... I just dread the day I'm gonna tell her i'm actually her father."

He sent me a sad smile and nodded, fixing his hair by moving a lock on the right, over his eyes. I slipped my hands in my pockets, glancing in the living room's direction, hearing the movie in the background.

"I can't say I know how scary it must be, but I have no doubt it is." he expressed with compassion. "Just trust yourself, and trust Chelsea. I know you noticed already, but she's a very smart little girl. She's already suffered enough from not knowing her father. You getting in her life is the best thing that could happen to her, Niall. I'm serious."

I wouldn't have had to get in her life just now if they hadn't lied to me. Chelsea wouldn't have suffered from not having a father if they didn't hid her from me all those years. I swallowed those thoughts and inhaled deeply before sighing. I knew I would have to let go of this grudge at some point but clearly, I was not ready.

"Yea, maybe you're right."

"I am."

We remained in silence for a while and Louis finally got up, opening my fridge and grabbing two beers, handing me one. We opened them at the same time and took a sip. It immediately made me feel a bit better and I put it on the counter, lost in my thoughts again. How was I going to let go of this incredible anger I had inside?

"So, how is it going with her?"

I tried to focus on Louis again and looked up at him, shrugging.

"Very well, I think. We get along great." I pointed out. "Like you said, she's amazing. And her imagination is so surprising at times."

I thought of all the things she had told me earlier and it made the left corner of my lips move up. Maybe I was biased, but I truly believed Chelsea was the most extraordinary kid in the whole world. No, I was not biased. She really was.

"She's fascinating." I just added.

"She is, but I was not talking about her."

As if on cue, my phone started vibrating in my pocket and I took it out, noticing a message from my ex girlfriend. I quickly typed an answer, telling her where we were, and put my phone on the counter next to my beer.

"Not well." I just confessed with a sigh, rubbing both my hands on my eyes. "She tried to kiss me and I backed away."

When I opened my eyes again, Louis was staring at me, grimacing.

"Ouch."

"I know, there's just no place for this in my head right now." I continued. "I don't know how I feel, I'm all over the place, and I don't want to start something with her if it's to end again. I don't even know if she wants to be with me for the right reasons, or if we just want things to go back to how they used to be. Because we can't go back, it's impossible."

"Niall, listen to me." Louis ordered in a low voice, taking a step closer. "You love her. You've loved her all along. And I know she loves you too. I don't think she ever stopped."

My heart skipped a beat at his words and I looked up in his eyes, trying to discover is he was sincere. Why did I want his words to be true so fucking bad?

"You should give it a chance. Who knows where it can lead you?"

I shook my head and turned around, taking a few steps away.

"It could lead to hurting Chelsea. It could lead to making her believe she's going to have a family, and then making things worse if it ends up not working. Do you see all the wrong it could do to her?"

"Niall!"

I turned back to him in a swift movement and stared at him. He was serious in a way I hadn't seem him be very often. He put his beer gently on the table and moved closer to me, grabbing both my arms.

"No matter what happens, you will always be Chelsea's father, and she will always be Chelsea's mother. Those are facts. No one and nothing can take this away from you, you understand?"

The truth behind his words made something jump in my throat and I swallowed what felt like an emotion lump. I nodded slowly, letting his words sink in and he kept talking.

"You don't have to tell Chelsea about it now, you can give it time. But you should give you two a chance."

We looked in each other's eyes for a few minutes and I finally sighed, moving out of his embrace.

"I'll think about it."

"You know what they say, 'it's better to regret doing something, than regret not doing it.' Or something like that."

Maybe he's right. Maybe I should give it a try, maybe I should kiss her, maybe I should give Chelsea a family. Maybe I should do it for the three of us, and maybe it would make all of us happy. But maybe it wouldn't, and this possibility was constantly flashing in my mind like the red light of an alarm. And I couldn't seem to forget about it.

HER

I drove to the address as fast as I could and parked in the driveway, a bit taken aback by the house in itself. It was impressing, and bigger than I imagined, but I tried to push the thought away and walked quickly to the door. Sometimes, I forgot Niall was rich and famous. In fact, I forgot about it most of the time. He's always been the laid-back guy, hanging out with the same friends he's always had, doing the same things he's always loved, and enjoying a night at home in front of the tv or with a few friends at the pub more than anything else. It was something I always liked about him, and that's probably why Louis and him get along so well.

I rang the doorbell and tried to listen to what was happening inside. I couldn't hear Chelsea but after a few seconds, I heard steps coming my way and the door swung open. I expected to see Niall but my smile fell down slightly when I saw Louis. It only took half a second to smile back and walk in, wrapping my arms around my friend. He pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek gently right before I pulled away.

"Hello darling, how are you?" he asked in a low and gentle tone, making me feel at ease immediately.

"Just happy the day is over."

Louis glanced at his watch and raised his eyebrows.

"Weren't you supposed to get out earlier than that?"

I grabbed his wrist to take a look at the time and finally sighed, nodding slowly. 10 pm.

"Yes, but Carly was late and I had to wait until she got there." I explained with a grimace, letting go of his arm. "Why are you even here?"

"Niall needed company." he let out with a smirk just as Niall walked in the room.

The atmosphere switched suddenly and I felt my heart jump in my chest. I was so mad at myself for feeling Niall's presence with every fiber of my body. It was becoming a problem and I had no idea how I would be able to wean myself off of him. It was worse than a drug.

"I didn't need anything, you sort of invited yourself." Niall laughed, slipping his hands in his pockets.

Louis started laughing and Niall's eyes finally met mine and like an idiot, I looked away, feeling my heart hit against my rib cage. Maybe I should have let him kiss me a few days ago. Maybe I was wrong, maybe a pity kiss was better than no kiss at all. I breathed in and looked up again at Niall. He was still staring at me and my lips curled despite myself.

"How's Chelsea?"

"She's good, she fell asleep on the couch with Freddie." he explained, making me nod.

"Okay guys, I love both of you very much, but i'm just gonna grab my kid and leave."

Louis moved between us to reach the living room and I looked down at my hands, trying to calm down the erratic beating of my heart. I wanted to talk to him, to tell him something clever or interesting, but I simply licked my lips and cleared my throat, nervous for no apparent reason.

"Thanks again for today, Niall." I just said, shaking my head. "I promise it won't happen again."

"Hey," he let out softly, bringing his fingers to my chin to move my head up. He waited until my eyes met his to send me a smile. "You can call me any time, really. I was happy to help."

It was hard to focus on anything but his fingers on my skin but I nodded after a while as I finally made sense of his words. Louis reappeared with his son asleep in his arms and Niall's hand fell down only to hug Louis cautiously. I saw my best friend whisper something in his hear, making Niall frown and nod but quickly pushed the thought away when Louis turned to me, taking me in a close hug.

"Don't be too hard on him but mostly, don't be so hard on yourself, will you?" he whispered, his breath hitting gently my neck and making me smile.

I nodded and kissed his cheek before doing the same to Freddie. We both watched Louis leave and when the door closed behind him, I inhaled deeply, realizing my heart was still beating harder than it should.

"You look like you could use a drink."

His voice was soft, and I desperately wanted to say yes. I knew it was a bad idea, I knew I would probably end up even more hurt than I already was, and my whole body was telling me to run away as far as I could from him, but I knew it wouldn't change anything. It was simply a way my heart had found to save itself, some sort of survival instinct I had to fight against.

"Do you have wine?"

His lips curled into a fond smile and he nodded slowly. I followed him to the living room and gently, he took Chelsea in his arms and brought her in the hall. I didn't follow him. Instead, I sat on the couch and leaned my head on it, closing my eyes. I was exhausted and my body was begging to sleep but I wanted to stay awake, just to spend some more time with Niall and maybe explain what had happened a few days ago. I still felt embarrassed and stupid for hoping we could have a chance but it was stronger than me. I had feelings for him I couldn't seem to smother at all.

I only opened my eyes again when I felt him sit next to me on the couch. I smiled when I saw he was handing me a glass of red wine and thanked him, taking a long sip of it and sighing louder than I should have, making him chuckle.

"I knew it would make you feel better."

I sent him a smile and drank again as he placed his beer between his legs. I've always thought it was a cute habit but tonight, the wine must have been strong because I thought it was hot.

"Why do we always end up discussing together, sitting on a couch with a drink, Niall?"

It made him laugh and he passed his hand in his hair, making my heart jump as he shrugged.

"That's a good question." he pointed out, looking away before diving his gaze in mine again. "Probably because we're both a bit lost, and we're trying to understand what exactly is happening to us. Seeing each other again after so many years and, with Chelsea and everything, it hasn't been easy on us. I guess it's gonna take a lot of discussions."

He grabbed his beer and swallowed almost half of it as I did the same with my own glass, putting it away when my glass was finally empty.

"I never wanted to hurt you, or make you feel bad, you know that, right?"

I knew it so I nodded, but that didn't mean I didn't feel like shit. For everything I put him through, but also for being rejected. He didn't have to love me, it was true, and it was not really surprising that he didn't anymore, but the thought still dug a hole inside my chest.

"I didn't want to hurt you either. I promise my intentions were good."

"I know." he breathed, putting his beer away, next to my empty glass, and shifting a bit on the couch to get closer to me.

I didn't know what he was doing but I liked it. However, I couldn't move. I just stayed motionless as he brought both his hands to my cheeks again, exactly like he had done a few nights ago, and I expected what he was going to do, or at least hoped for it. This time, though, I didn't back away. I waited impatiently until his lips pressed on mine and closed my eyes. My hands reached for his shirt slowly and I gripped it like I was holding on to him to stay alive, and perhaps, I was. His lips parted mine and I allowed him to kiss me deeper. He tasted exactly the same, and I hadn't realized just how bad I had missed it until that very moment. I couldn't think of anything better, and it suddenly hit me. That's why I thought it would be worse. Now that I had this again, not being able to get it again would be too hard and I had no idea how I would be able to recover from it. His warm mouth pressed more against mine and as crazy as it sounded, I could feel the beating of his heart against the palm on my hand against his chest. I didn't want this kiss to end but when it did, he remained close, his lips still brushing against mine.

I don't know how long we stayed close to each other but we both moved away slightly after a while, breathing in deeply and looking away, a bit embarrassed by what had happened.

"Do you want an other glass?" he asked in a low tone.

I could smell his cologne, mixed with the unique sent from his skin, and it made me feel dizzy, but perhaps it came from the way he had kissed me only a few seconds ago.

"I can't, I have to drive home."

I tilted my head, watching his facial expressions change a few times and a few seconds later, he shrugged and looked back in my eyes.

"Maybe you don't have to." he whispered. "Maybe you could stay the night."

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survivorkvaloya · 7 years

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Episode #5: “I Didn't Come Back To Be A Stupid @$$” - Andreas

Not quite sure what to make of this tribe of 5 but I find in this one theirs no where to hide because I can almost guarantee Jackson is going to be a middle man between Danielle and I, and everyone knows that in this tribe I would be the one they send home. But luckily for me, I have Gage and Christine's students on my tribe so If I send them home it weakens them come merge, but following the murder of 3 returnees early on I can NOT have a repeat of Easter Island, so I need to get over my phobia of returnees.

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MKAY COOL I COULDN"T HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER SCENARIO IT'S LITERALLY 4 V 1 IS THIS HOW SANDRA AND VARNER FELT

~*~Tales From Reflection Island~*~ Hi. I'm pissed. I was so excited to finally win my first tribal immunity and FINALLY not have to worry about being voted out, but that was short lived. Brett, my flop ass mentor, was voted out on the other tribe almost unanimously. What the HECK. So my gay ass is shipped off to reflection island where I have to "reflect on what went wrong" or whatever. But it ain't my fault Brett is a flop! He was the mentor. He was supposed to know not to get voted out. AND THEN we have a tribe swap.... While I'm on reflection. You know what happened to the last person on reflection island during a tribe swap? They were voted out unanimously the same round they returned (rip Connor). So when I come back I'm gonna have some serious work to do. Going onto a tribe of 5 is scary in itself, not being there when the tribe is formed is even worse. the ONLY saving grace in this whole situation is the reflection ritual or whatever the heck its call. Bc I'm always doing #that and I PICKED AN URN WITH AN IDOL PIECE IN IT WOOOO. Now I have 2/3 pieces! This makes it so much easier to get that last piece and make an idol. And that could save my ass in this tricky situation. My plan once I come back is to victimize myself, talk to everyone, be so devastated by the loss of my mentor, act paranoid, and find that last piece. Wish me luck!

Im actually really frustrated right now, we could have easily won immunity but Lauren messed up very basic instructions and just completely fucked us over. Now we have to go to tribal. Lol 4th tribal out of 5 ugh. So anyways this tribal should be easy however we know how this game goes, the easy vote never happens. But none the less this allows me a valid reason to take Christine's student out which would have completely destroyed all her numbers which means shes 1 which isnt a huge threat. Im just worried about idols ,and tribal on my 200th day is ANNOYING. Anyways i need to go calm down phew. Old Andreas is coming out lmao

So jackson and I had a plan to throw the torch pass challenge and use lauren to get out andreas. funniest part: we didn't even have to throw because lauren posted at the wrong time and fucked it all up! I'm trying to make everyone hate her now so she feels like she has to vote with us. jackson was hesitant at first about voting andreas but he's warmed up to it. I hope he stays with the decision. I really think him and I can fight our way through this game.

i got my 2nd idol piece from fucking hell of looking through numbers! van who??

So I think I already did a confessional but oh well. This tribe swap isn't looking good for me. I ended up not getting the idol piece because Chelsea already got it so that was super annoying. BUUUUT. I got reward this time and Ryan ended up getting his 2nd idol piece from it. I'm happy bc that means we have 2/3 in our posession and I think that he's 100% loyal to me. He's said over and over that this is our idol and I truly believe that. We've been friends for so long that I doubt that he would be using an idol that we both found against me in any way. I'm trying to talk to everyone every day but it's hard when it's one world. I hate it so much fuck fkjdsn. Andreas is kinda annoying and very pushy when it comes to this game. He created an alliance with Jackson and I, which I don't think I'll stick too, to try and talk about the vote. From what I can tell at this point, the vote is going to be Andreas anyway. Although Lauren fucked up in the challenge, people are wanting to keep her around for a throwaway vote if we lost next time (which we are going to if we're going to be keeping the weak players anyway). I'm starting to get annoyed with not being in power. Chelsea is running around only talking game yet telling me that other people will inform me with the plan... I- There is no way that I'm gonna be able to get her out and if god forbid we went to tribal again, it would be Lauren. I'm thinking of teaming up with Lauren to vote out Chelsea if it came down to it, I don't know if that would be the right move but right now, I feel like she's running the game and I want to be the one that takes her off of the high horse that she's sitting on.

Hi I'm Jackson and this is my third confessional, just in time for the third generation of tribes. Ever since the swap, I've kind of had a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Not because I was put on a tribe with people I can't work with - in fact, I've had good interactions with everyone on my new tribe in the past, and best of all, I'm reunited with my closest ally Chelsea. Instead, the feelings of dread come from the fact that a lot of power was given to the two of us to start making moves of our own, and it's scary to no longer be floating in the background, hiding behind our mentors. Still, Chelsea and I both feel like we can't shy away from the opportunity we've been given. So, we planned to throw the immunity challenge. I had two objectives in mind for this. The first was to allow Colin to join our tribe after his return from exile, as he's someone I really trust and I couldn't guarantee his safety if he went to another tribe. The second was to vote out Andreas, who I see as one of the smartest and most well connected players in the game. We were going to have Chelsea pretend her internet went out, which I'm honestly not 100% sure would've worked without attracting suspicion. But then Lauren decided to do what I think she does best: go inactive without explanation. Since she queued her post for the wrong time, our torch lighting was out of order from the get go, and we had no chance of winning unless Lauren came online at just the right time (which she didn't). So yeah, we lost, and I guess me and Chelsea got our way. Right off the bat Lauren was scrambling. She came to me and Chelsea for help, asking us to stay united as original Ersfjorden members, which normally I'd roll my eyes at because she's suspicious af to me but was happy to hear in this specific moment. With me, Chelsea, and Lauren, we have three, and can vote out Andreas like we planned (or, at least, like Chelsea pushed really hard to and I agreed only after talking to my mentor because I'm a weenie). Andreas was acting pretty jumpy too. I think he really doesn't want to get voted out on his 200th day of tumblr survivor, and yeah, I get that and I'm gonna feel real bad casting my vote. He really helped me get my footing on Ersfjorden 2, and we could've had a nice working relationship even though he probably would beat me at the end. Anyway, he came to me pushing hard to get Lauren voted out to keep the tribe strong, and I told him I was definitely on board. His worry was not that Danielle would flip on us (more on that later) but that Lauren would somehow make an idol with Chelsea, who I can tell he doesn't totally trust. Joke's on him - Colin has the idol piece that everyone thinks Lauren has, but I'm not gonna tell anyone. I tried to reassure him that Chelsea's on our side too, and I'm hoping his guard is down. Danielle is the wild card. Even though we could vote out Andreas without her (assuming Lauren isn't the fucking mastermind of the millennium), I wanted her to be in on this vote because I think she will stick with me postmerge. Ryan likes her, and I don't want to go against him (yet). So I told Danielle that Lauren was pushing for Andreas, and she seemed tentatively supportive of the idea to vote him out now with Lauren being the next to go if we lose again. She also sent me her reward, which was a clue to an idol piece hidden somewhere on the blog. Long story short, the URL involves a five digit code starting with a 7 and including no repeating digits. It's basically impossible to determine the URL from that (unless i've already gotten it right but someone got their first and the page was deleted?) without more info, and I don't think the hosts would give such a difficult riddle. So yeah I think she didn't send me the entire clue (she withheld some of the digit hints), which kind of annoys me because she's trying to gain my loyalty by supplying intel but she doesn't trust me enough to let me have a chance at finding it myself. Also I shared literally all the details about JD and Liam's shitty alliance on Ersfjorden2 that locked out her and her student, so I feel like I'm giving out more than I'm getting back. But anyway, though she says she's on board for the Andreas vote (making it 4-1 against him), I worry that she's concerned about my relationship with Chelsea. I also worry that she's closer to Andreas than she claimed (and than Ryan thought), and that she might have ratted me out to him. While it doesn't seem like there's a lot he could do if he did know we were targeting him, there's a slim chance he could try to pull Lauren over. In that case, it'd be either me or Chelsea going, and considering how many more limbs I've gone out on than usual this week, I'm not feeling super safe. So yeah, that's about it, so unless something changes in the hours before the vote tomorrow, this is it. I'll be voting for Andreas and hoping I didn't get duped.

Looks like everything is still good to go with the Andreas vote. Sorry bud! The ship has sailed ~

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Whelp, operation save Brett was a flop and I'm sad. But on the bright side I'm in love with this swap! It's nice to be reunited with Ryan and I'm glad QuilLynn is still with me. JD also seems really nice and then I haven't really talked to Nicholas yet. I'm glad we were able to win immunity but I'm kinda worried for Lauren. I feel like Jackson and Chelsea will help her but we'll see.

Going into tribal its been really quiet and that's been scaring me. No one is really talking to me besides Jackson but I could just be acting like a crazy person but who freaking knows. Hopefully this tribe votes out Lauren but maybe tonight, as my 200th night in TS will be my final. I hope not though, I don't wanna be a pre-merge flop.

Omg so the whole point of last vote was to get rid of Brett bc he is a bigger threat then jack and he would be more likely to be able to convince Lauren and Christine to flip. And of course we don't tell jack about the vote bc he really wanted Chelsea, but then of course he fucking ends up on my swapped tribe. I'm really happy I'm with Gage again bc he's definitely someone I trust and he's really nice, I'm also kinda glad to see lily And I'm hoping we can continue to work together. Jack ahhh I didn't tell him about the last vote so I don't think he trusts me anymore but he's nice. So that leaves Liam as the only person I hadn't met yet, I exchanged like 2 words with him and then he tells Ryan that he's talked to me the most? Like how is 2 lines a lot of conversation?? I mean I feel bad for him being super busy with 2 jobs and everything but he doesn't talk to me a lot and when we actually do talk it's always at 3 in the morning. So anyway last night Liam goes up to me and says hey I have an idea for if we ever have to go to tribal council, and he was talking about how me him and jack should work together and I agreed to it of course bc you should never really say no to alliances bc that's sketchy. I also found out that it was Liam and JD who created the majority alliance, like this boy seems kinda power hungry tbh. Anyway Kalfjorden looses immunity which is fine but I just hope it's not Chelsea, Andreas or Danielle. And then apparently Lauren has been super inactive and messed up on the challenge so it would make sense to vote her out and everyone seemed on board or whatever. But then in the all girls alliance, that I like the idea of but don't really feel comfortable with half the people in it, lily talks about how we gotta save Lauren. And at first I'm like wtf Lauren is cute and all but she's not the most active and I don't care about her that much. And Lily says that all the newbies are on board to vote together to vote out FUCKING ANDREAS. Like wtf I love Andreas?? And he's trying at this game unlike Lauren. And also lily goes oh yeah it'll be nice to vote out Andreas so that we can keep up student numbers like??? I'm a mentor??? I'm of course willing to work with students but not when they say they would like to vote out all the mentors lmao. I would tell Andreas but I won't bc I need to keep up my trust with lily especially since we're on a 5 person tribe where there's no room to hide. Anyway I could see if I could possibly talk to Jackson who I don't know well if he'd be willing to vote Lauren, ahh idk what I'm gonna do I hate this.

Im actually very concerned I may be going home tonight and part of me is thinking that perhaps i should throw my vote at Chelsea incase an idol is played. I don't see Christine letting Lauren go without a fight and I would be a great person in her eyes to take out pre-merge. Heading into this vote im super concerned, probably more then i've been in a while which is super scary. I didn't come back to be a stupid ass but its so freaking quiet, and I don't see Lauren going without a fight.

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deeeknows · 7 years

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While I might hurt a feeling or two God is still working with me and as a huge disclaimer I suck and everything I try to do on my own sucks so if there are any parts of what I will go into saying that you disagree with give it about 3 honest minutes of chewing before you have my permission to never read my blog again. Unless you enjoy spitting up all over yourself XD. All good parts of this Blog will be God inspired so the credit goes to him.

I don't wanna leave anything out so skip to the good parts if you ever get bored. I promise I wont tell anyone.

June 14

Came and went but what I do remember the most is the drive up. not because i missed my mommy which i might have but because it would be setting the tone for everything that this next 6 weeks was going to be. I rode with my neighbor up and it was a cool little trip until we got off exit 51. The usual city stuff I was used to and could deal with easily especially sitting in the back seat lol. but as we trecked closer and closer to 318 S Gilmore St ya boy started to get a little more and more worried about where I was going and what I was going to be doing because of who I was riding with. then came the dreaded question, "uhhh do you know where you are, you sure you're gonna be ok?" important part. I was so comfortable with being a christian when the relationship was just me and God. But, as soon as I was expected to communicate my decision I made with God with anyone I didn't wanna do it anymore because just saying i want to do anything solely in Gods name turned me I became the crazy which no one could relate. but thats just telling you the mindset i came into this program with. hopefully i didn't lose too many of you people yet.

June 15

today was my first full day in baltimore city and i have many emotions it started with daily prayer and that was chill but early. we started with downloading about the passage on bonding as missionary and what stood out to us. Important part serving a place is about serving the people there. and there is no way i can serve people I haven't created a bond with. I'm not here to be bonding with the people i came with. thats gonna happen regardless. I'm here to make sure that the south west baltimore can see God and how he is working in the city.

We began to talk about what were some of the community questions some other people might have about the new city we were coming into and seeing what we could learn from the people who were engaged. that was fun we were talking to folks who worked around here in the shops that weren't abandoned as well as 2 police officers. Important part the people were so quick to distance themselves from the violence that was "over there". I want to find out more about this and see what others think about why this community struggles so much to grow together in unity. then was dinner at primos which was chill the best thing there was the pineapple soda which was a change in pace from the tap water. I also went to the prayer which was cool to see these strange white people out here on FIRE for God. It was refreshing. I was told there I have eyes of fire and im going to heal and peace will travel with me so im writing it down for memory sake. my favorite thing was the NA meeting today. Lee spoke and it was scary how well he knew himself and Important part the steps he took to get better all remind me of how in my walk the only way I get to take any steps on the road to recovery is with someone walking along side of me, well second day down.

June 16

Here we go. The 3rd day was just as good as the last couple. Nah that was a lie but thats besides the point. It started with bible study on what “is” from our ought is little thingy. We studied the fall of man this morning and how it was centered around our idea for self sufficiency. Important part we wanted to be able to provide for ourselves and live without God but that was just impossible. And I fell in love again with what God did instead of doing what he promised the man and the women. Important part God loved the men and women more than animals he sacrificed to make them skins and stay in community with them. Afterwards we went on a walk around the block and I saw bruce street. what a sight. I wanted to take a picture of the streets. boarded homes and the almost Prison yard of a block and the people who were protecting it. I see the people there and they are on my heart daily. the one way street does it justice. then we played ball with Ty and Justin and Juwan. Afterwards I rewatched 13. the documentary was hard to watch and be a spokesperson for all black men in america but that happens. i didnt like it at all actually, but thats alright its not about me 🙄 I am helping people see the the black experience. thankful for doing that hard things that i still dont wanna do but have to.

June 17

Today started with the same old I even ate breakfast today which I guess changes things up a little bit. I guess I was feeling freeky. But we studied with Uesin today the book of Ruth. not Ester, Ruth. and it was a story about the redeeming of both and how boaz was THE MAN. Important part But what I couldn't think more about was how Ruth would not let go of Naomi and how I want to develop relationships like that with people who are are not even “my people” but yeah that was the highlight of my day. Then we went to buy food and then from there went to the refugee dinner. Never mind I change what I was going to say. This was the highlight of my day dont know why im keeping this in here but comic relief is good for the soul.

Regardless of how amazing the food was and how sorry the situation of the process to become a refugee in america was we had two muslim families here who cooked US dinner. This blows my mind. This whole time I was thinking we were going to be just Talking to them but when we got there I was greeted with a new reality. These people weren’t eating and some described their time in the US as worse than the camps in Jordan. Important part So my prayer for these folk will be for the “language” barrier we have here in the US. Not to make it easier because english sucks but to make the people in these communities see the need and start to work with the folk. the communication is frustrating and can be a roadblock to people trying to get an education and even lead to them dropping out of school because of the culture shock and all that nice stuff. yeah in the end baltimore school not going easy on the Syrian families and they need our help to come along side and meet them halfway.

June 18

and then it was sunday. My day started with Megan and the farmers market. what I remember from watching the people was how the blacks lined up outside of the market and were all there just in a huge crowd. It was hard to see. the city making its attempt to grow. As i got to walk through I was most struck by how not black the market was. and i knew that because of who was selling and what people were buying. almost every stand was a white family and that wasn’t bad it just is another example of people coming into the city to address the needs here and the city losing its money to “outsiders” the folks who were living there dont get pay taxes on the food they were buying and everything is cash there. but i saw some characters XD and spent much of my time praying for and observing the people who were out and about on the sunday morning. ill be there next week again because of my love for people watching and fresh food tho lol.

my next stretch point came when praying over the sermon and doing it the way i do it at home. with the holy spirit guiding me and im glad my fake shell deteriorating. but the sermon was about for me seeing the city the way God does and if i do how will my actions change accordingly. Important part I want to see a redeemed baltimore and pastor Hopkins made it me see that there is no way it happens without the church people living and building communities in the gutter. we are here now, lets set up camp and use the rest of Jeremiah 29. my trip to baltimore inner harbor was cool the east side is completely different than the west and i definitely wanna see more of what thats about. lastly my highlight of the day was at the latino service. not only did it make me miss home T-T but i learned about phillip and how to address people in the community by the direction of the holy spirit and that his timing will do all the hard work. Important part man that Spanish service also helped me to see that the communities here all want the same thing and are using the similar methods so maybe we try something new or try something together. the churches are here to address the needs of the community i like how city minded these communities are here in the inner city. yeah the murder rate through the roof but the children here are so intelligent and valuable to me that i cant let it go. this was my first time practicing the sabbath i like this way of thinking.

June 19

Juneteenth. Today I learned what 10:12 sports is and got to see into the heart of Brother Jeff Thompson. He is a man with the zeal for God and wants to do so much for these kids in his neighborhoods near and far across the baltimore city. He has almost adopted these two kids picking them up for a bite to eat and just spending time goal setting with them. lil Wayne and Teon were there names since I was looking for who to pray for. but i learned much from the youth just their little goal setting session showed me the heart of many of the children I believe are in this area. of course its not the same when other people are around so these 1 on1 sessions are going to go really well. Important part they have goals. pull them out of the kids because they know where they wanna go and if they dont start them dreaming and ask how you can help them get there. after we went to silver spring and back and then i cooked dinner and popped my hand real bad on the oil. but thats regular. the evenings we started VBS and i know my love for the kids is starting to seep out but they just want some attention and all at once is impossible but Im not sure how to do that and educate them all yet. partner grouping might be too soon for these young ones but maybe personalized lessons with 2-3 would prove beneficial. time will tell

June 20

today was another good day started off like they all do. prayer and community. we went and picked up all the kids and went to see pastor Andrew? i be forgetting names. but what was so striking about this encounter was how passionate brother Jeff was pursuing these kids. Like he wouldn't not take no for an answer. And it looked like he wanted them to go more than they wanted to go. And not that it was bad but they just wanted to do what they were used to and what they were comfortable with. Beach trips to ocean city which arent bad but they arent going to change your life every week. What i see in addition is how to guide the child to what you know will be good for them. Plus teaching them about life through weeds and pouring into them with the resources with what you have. expect much and give more was what I learned from today. driving all around the city picking and waiting on kids brother Jeff is officially brother Jeff to me as well after today. The respect is there. What else I did was the VBS and I love those kids man they gotta keep growing to meet my expectations Important part the trick is keeping them high and moving them higher steadily even if they dont meet them not to forget that they are still worth my time and i GLADLY give it when I have it. much love.

yeah so based on how I feel about this later on after its posted and time to proofread XD i might do something like this next week. hope you got lost somewhere in there and you needed to think twice about something because other wise ill make this more complicated. jkjk but sorry about the capitalization stuff and grammar thats more effort than im willing to give. I hope it doesnt ruin it for you. Important part my last impression would be to find a good book and drink more tea. My challenge for you this week would be to leave your phone on your bed when you leave in the morning. My question for you would be how can i get these children outta there homes before 3pm ?

#bup #deeeknows #me #week1

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