john?

he shivers, pulling the coat stronger on himself. all the alcohol in his veins almost made him forget to be outside in the middle of the winter night, but now he's starting to feel it again. his liquor stained breath condenses in the chilling air, looking like the smoke he can't have because he ran out of cigarettes. it's freezing. but he's not moving. his eyes wander up, to the apartment he's been sitting in front of. his old apartment. their old apartment.

johnny...

a silhouette moves behind the curtains. maybe someone going for a glass of water, maybe it's just his own imagination. or maybe a ghost. but who or whatever that is, it has the same silhouette of des. it stands near the window for a moment, stretches. then it's gone. maybe they got back to bed. like he used to do, when john would call him, sleepily lying there after the only truly restful nights of his life. he would call him, and des would lie down again, just a little longer. just for him. but john didn't do the same. no, he had to sacrifice the only man he truly cared about to save his stupid, pathetic life.

you drank again, didn't you?... i know. don't worry. i know it's not easy to stop. but you promised me, johnny.

he realizes he's crying only when he feels his tears getting colder in the freezing air. why did he think he could handle a normal life with des? why did he think he could even remotely have a right for such a life? to try and take it, he ended up taking des' too, and they both lost them. if only he could stay away from him, if only he could stop lying to himself, saying stupid things like i can do this, i can live with him, everything will be okay, everything will get fixed, des would still be his own person, he would be free. and instead, he had to try and take it. the normal life. the life that he was never meant to have. and he just can't stop hearing his voice, now.

don't worry. i'll help you. you'll do better next time.

and he's always so kind. so extremely kind. and he doesn't deserve it. he doesn't deserve him. he never did.

you promised me, johnny.

but i can't keep any promise.