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thechangeling · 2 years

Text

Wake up

I feel like @littlx-songbxrd already knows what this is. (And fall in love again)

Alastair is autistic because I say so.

Title is from Nine by Sleeping at Last.

Thomas is something the matter?"

It was his least favorite question. All throught his entire life people had been asking Thomas if he was alright. If he was feeling alright, if there was any pain, if there was anything they could do. He absolutely hated it but he was loathe to admit it to anyone. He knew that everyone just wanted to help and it would be unfair to make them feel guilty for it.

His parents and sisters had sacrificed so much for him, looking after him as a child. He never wanted them to think that he was ungrateful.

Eugenia was still looking at him expectantly.

Thomas pushed his feelings down and put on a smile. "No, nothing. I am fine Genie."

His sister narrowed her eyes at him. "No you're not. You cannot fool me you know. I have known you all your life." She placed her tea cup and saucer down beside his and took a seat next to him. "You can tell me Tom. After all, what are older sisters for?"

"To annoy me evidently," he muttered under his breath.

"Excuse me!" She protested half heartedly. "You mind your manners now Thomas Lightwood." She took a sip from her tea. "Now what's this about, I can tell that something is wrong."

Thomas took a giant gulp of his own tea to avoid answering her. He hadn't the faintest idea where to begin. Or if he even wanted to.

Alastair.

His words still rang in Thomas' ears. "It isn't possible, it never will be."

Perhaps he was right. Raziel knows it would be easier to just walk way and forget about Alastair Cartairs. To abandon hope and go back to burying his feelings just like always.

After all what was the alternative. To tell his friends the truth? To tell Matthew the truth?

To admit to wanting something that might inconvenience someone else. It was unthinkable.

Thomas groaned and placed his head in his hands. "I am a coward," he mumbled.

"Im sorry what?"

He lifted his head. "I said that I am a coward Genie. That is what's the matter."

Eugenia's eyes bulged. "What? Tom that's absurd."

Thomas bit his lip. "No it isn't. Perhaps not on the battlefield, but in my personal life, with my friends. I never tell them what I truly want or how I truly feel because I am simply too afraid of hurting or inconveniencing them."

"What do you mean exactly?" Eugenia asked.

Thomas was reluctant to tell her the truth. To truly open up. Partially because he did not want to hurt his sister, or anyone. But also because there was a certain comfort in keeping the truth buried.

Thomas had been ignoring painful truths for sometime now. Because he was terrified of causing trouble, the kind of trouble that he knew he honestly was not worth. He had always abhorred conflict of any kind, but especially with his friends.

Anything, even something so trival as deciding on plans for the evening or what to eat. Thomas would always defer to the group. Somewhere along the line, throughout his life he had become a walking automaton of sorts. A machine just like the ones his parents had fought, only capable of saying exactly what other people wanted him to say.

Thomas didn't want to admit the fact that he had been sleepwalking ever since he was fourteen. Just mindlessly stumbling through life and letting things happen. It was a painful realization.

"I think that I have ruined everything," he admitted.

Eugenia placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Hey now. That is not true! You have not ruined anything Tom believe me. This world is better because you are in it."

It was those words that caused the dam inside of him to break. Thomas began to sob and Eugenia instantly pulled him into a crushing embrace. He allowed himself to be weak in his older sisters arms, crying into her shoulder.

Perhaps it was unfair of him to cry when this was his fault, when he had brought this all on himself. But Thomas couldn't help it. Years upon years of rage and grief over all he had lost, over all the things he had allowed to happen. He had let Alastair walk away. No worse, Thomas had driven him away by allowing him to believe that he did not love him.

And Thomas was terrified that now there was nothing he could do, nothing he could possibly say to make Alastair hear him and understand that he was loved.

"Hush," Eugenia whispered softly. "Do not despair Tom. It will be alright."

Thomas firmly shook his head. "No. No you don't know that."

"Very well then tell me," she leaned back, studying him with her even gaze. "What is it?"

Thomas had never actually spoken the words outloud before. There was this comfort, this safety in never allowing oneself to speak the words. Almost as if actually speaking the words would finally make them true.

Not only true but inescapable. Impossible to hide from or to take back.

But what exactly had Thomas been preserving all these years? The happiness of his friends? Not bloody likely. Everyone was falling to pieces with or without him.

Eugenia sighed. "Tom listen to me. Whatever it is, if there is anything that our parents have taught us is that it is never too late to fix what you may have broken. If you truly believe that you have ruined everything as you say, then fix it." She took a sip from her cup.

Fix it. But was it really that simple?

He had spent all this time trying to keep the peace when no one else seemed to hold the same regard for it. He had sacrificed his own happiness, let his wants and needs fade away like backround noise. All for the sake of peace. Because he was so afraid of losing the people he loved.

The greatest irony was he already had lost someone he loved. Thomas just hoped he could make it right.

He stood abruptly, startling Eugenia.

"Terribly sorry Genie. But there is something I must do." He rushed for his coat and flung open the door.

"But-" Eugenia protested.

"I will tell you everything later!" Thomas called to her as he left.

He was on his way to the Carstairs'.

As Thomas stood in front of the Carstairs' front door, it dawned on him that this was the most terrified he had ever been.

Fighting demons was nothing compared to Alastair.

He knocked, and after a brief moment of waiting where he almost considered running off and forgetting this whole thing, Cordelia Carstairs opened the door.

If she was surprised to see him, she did not show it.

Cordelia smiled slightly. "He is upstairs in his room. I assume Alastair is who you're here to see yes?

Thomas gaped at her for a moment. He wondered if Alastair had told her what had transpired between them in the sanctuary or if he really was just that obvious.

"I am just asking," Cordelia's gaze fluttered downwards in a brief show of vauneability. "For you to please take care of him. He's been through too much Thomas."

Then her expression turned sour as she glared. "If you break my brothers heart, you will answer to Cortana."

Thomas attempted to keep his face neutral as his heart pounded. "I understand."

Cordelia led him up the winding staircase and down the brightly lit hallway until they reached the third door on the right. Thomas wiped his sweaty palms on his jacket.

He couldn't hear anything on the other side of the door. No signs of Alastair. But Cordelia seemed adamant that he was there. Thomas had imagined this moment a thousand times, wondering what he might say. But now his mind was blank.

Just tell him how you feel, a voice whispered inside Thomas' head that sounded suspiciously like Eugenia.

But he knew it wouldn't be that simple.

"Alright," Cordelia nodded at him. "I will leave you to speak with him alone." Thomas barely acknowledged her as she took her leave. He exhaled sharply.

Thomas wasn't exactly afraid. He had never been afraid of Alastair, even during his academy days. But he was still nervous. Less afraid of what Alastair might say and more of accidently saying the wrong thing.

But he couldn't stay hiding forever. Thomas couldn't just keep letting things happen around and to him because he was too afraid to fight. There was so much worth fighting for.

Alastair Carstairs was worth fighting for.

Thomas took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Go away Layla. I told you I'm busy!"

Thomas' breath hitched at the sound of his voice. It had been so long. He had missed it so dearly.

He cleared his throat. "It's not Cordelia. It's me. Thomas."

There was a defeaning silence and then,

"Go away Lightwood. You have no business here."

Thomas was jolted slightly by the harshness of Alastair's voice. He forgot how cold the other boy could be. However, Thomas knew that it was only an act. Merely a disguise meant to protect Alastair from getting hurt.

Thomas was would not allow himself to be dissuaded.

"Yes I do Alastair. My business is you. Will you please open the door?"

There was the sound of movement and then the door swung open revealing a very unkempt looking Alastair. His hair was messy, sticking up in all directions and his clothing was rumbled as though he had slept in it. His shirt collar and sleeves were unbuttoned and Thomas fought the urge to stare at the smooth skin on his exposed neck. He was beautiful.

That was when he noticed the redness of Alastair's eyes as though he had been crying.

"You and I have nothing to discuss," Alastair snapped. "Now leave me alone!" He moved to slam the door but Thomas caught it swiftly.

"Stop it!" He snapped without thinking. "I need to speak with you!" Thomas' own aggression surprised him. He so rarely yelled. He never allowed himself to yell.

But he could tell he had overstepped when Alastair immediately flinched, almost if he was expecting to be hit.

Thomas' heart broke. He let go of the door. "I apologize. That was unacceptable. Please understand Alastair, I would never hurt you."

He laughed coldly. "Oh really? Because I seem to remember you threatening to throw me in the Thames. He was fiddling with the fabric on the end of his shirt which was untucked. Thomas had noticed that whenever Alastair was irritated or bored or under pressure, he would run his fingers through his hair or fiddle with something. Sometimes his facial features would twitch a little as through he has fighting off a sneeze.

Thomas sighed. "I apologize for that as well. I never should have said it, I was angry and-" he trailed off. He was beginning to realize that perhaps this wasn't a good idea.

Honestly what right did Thonas have to be here anyways? What was he thinking, barging into Alastair's home and demanding things from him. How was he any different then Alastair's father? Or Charles?

Thomas was pathetic.

"I am sorry. I worry I'm saying this all wrong. But I want you Alastair. I want you more then anything else in this world."

Alastair clenched his jaw as though he were suppressing an emotion. His hands were balled into fists. "I told you Thomas," and Thomas couldn't help but gasp a little at the sound of his first name coming from Alastair's lips. "You only want me because you want to rebel, and I am finished with being used as object to satisfy the physical desires of others."

Oh...

Oh.

Thomas rapidly shook his head. "No, no please you misunderstand me. What I meant was," he took a deep breath and exhaled. "I love you Alastair."

Alastair's eyes widened almost comically. He gaped at Thomas for a moment, then glared. "No you don't. You are mistaken."

"No," Thomas said firmly. "I know how I feel. I love you Alastair. I have loved you for years now, ever since the academy. I loved you at your worst and I will continue to love you as you reach your best, because I know you have the ability to thrive you just need someone to support you, someone on your side. Someone who embraces all that you are and cherishes it. I adore you ātashé del-am, and even if you tell me to go away and never come back I will still love you."

Alastair's eyes widened at the sound of Persian coming from Thomas' mouth.

He hoped he had pronounced it correctly. He and Lucie and been learning Persian for the Carstairs, although Thomas hadn't informed Lucie of why he was doing it.

However, then again maybe she knew if Cordelia knew. He wasn't sure how that made him feel. Thomas knew deep down that his family and friends would be accepting of his attraction to men. However their reactions to his feelings for Alastair might be another story.

But he didn't care. Not anymore. Thomas wasn't letting go.

Alastair hadn't spoken yet. He was just staring at Thomas looking completely dumbfounded.

So, although he was unsure of whether it was the right thing to do or not, Thomas kept talking.

"Before, in the sanctuary I kissed you because I was trying to tell you I loved you. I thought I could show you how much you meant you me. It was never just something physical or an excuse to rebel. For me personally emotion and desire have always been firmly linked. I have never desired anyone I did not feel for in some way." Thomas glanced down briefly. "I know it is unusual but I want you to understand that I was not trying to use you."

Alastair looked pained as he bit his lip. Thomas could see cracks beginning to appear in the armour he wore around his heart. His body shook slightly as he dig his fingernails into his palms. "Thomas just go away," he pleaded. But it sounded half hearted.

"No," Thomas whispered taking a tentative step forward and reaching for his hands. "I know that you believe I only want things that are bad for me. Perhaps you are right, but you azizam, are not bad for me. You are not bad, Alastair."

Thomas carefully unfolded Alastair's fists, rubbing his fingers on his palms. Alastair shook his head. He looked as though he were trying not to cry.

"How can you say that to me?" He muttered. "After everything I've done? Everything I've said?"

"Because it's true," Thomas said firmly. "I understand that wasn't really you, and I know how sorry you are." They were mere inches from each other. "Believe me Alastair, it broke my heart when I learned that you were one of the people spreading those rumours about my parents and I was so furious."

Alastair's face was solemn and guarded. "I remember."

"But I never stopped loving you."

Alastair sighed, closing his eyes. "Thomas," he opened them. "I will not be responsible for you losing everyone that you hold dear."

Thomas reached up gently to cup his cheek. "If that happens it will not be your fault. If they truly love me, then they will understand."

Alastair shook his head. "I love you. Asheghetam, but I cannot allow myself to be this selfish." He stepped back out of his reach.

Thomas could feel a sob bubbling up in his chest. He fought against it. "You are not being selfish," he insisted. "It is my choice not yours!"

Alastair glared at him, crossing his arms. "I cannot allow you to make that choice. Somebody needs to protect you from yourself."

Rage burned through Thomas' veins, but instead of forcing it down the way he always did, he spoke.

"I am not a bloody child Alastair! I do not need your protection or for you to decide what is best for me. My entire life has been filled with others making decisions for me. I have always complied with what my friends and family wanted because I did not want to cause trouble. I never ask for anything!" Thomas was trying very hard not to yell to avoid scaring Alastair, but it was proving difficult.

He stepped towards Alastair. "If you do not want this. If you do not want to be together then tell me. But do not cast me aside for the sake of the so-called greater good. He was breathing heavily as he reached out once more and stroked Alastair's cheek. "Please?"

Alastair gasped slightly at his touch, leaning into it. His expression had transformed into one of longing and adoration. "Thomas," he whispered. "Joon-am. You are impossible."

He leaned forward and captured Thomas's lips with his own in a passionate kiss. Thimas made a slight noise of surprise before melting into the kiss, sliding his hands up into Alastair's hair. Alastair slid his hands across Thomas' back as he deepened the kiss, pulling him closer so that their noses brushed against each other. Thomas smiled against Alastair's mouth.

Alastair kissed him frantically, clinging onto Thomas' body as though he was afraid he would disappear. It made Thomas' heart ache a little. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Alastair's. Thomas could feel his heart racing against his.

"Please stay with me," Alastair murmered. Thomas had never heard him sound so vulnerable.

He kissed him softly.

"Of course."

I pretty much never write the tlh characters so I apologize if they're ooc.

Persian terms of endearment:

Ātashé del-am: The fire of my heart

Azizam: My dear

Asheghetam: I am in love with you

Joon-am: My life

Tagging: @lavender-scented-rat @littlx-songbxrd @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @amchara @wagner-fell @sandersgrey @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla @ellexu

#tlh #tsc #the last hours #thomas lightwood #alastair carstairs #thomastair #demisexual thomas lightwood #autistic alastair carstairs #enneagram nine thomas

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