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#ems just here to plug her sister constantly
4. Em
Author’s Note/Table of Contents
For a kid who had grown up almost like an only child in the family, I should have been able to go through a day without any problems at all. However, I realized that there were much worse things that could happen to even the most unwary, and to come away with a bleeding nose at the end of the day was just the cherry on top to the worst first day of school in history.
First off, breakfast was sheer chaos. I barely got my food on the plate when it was upended by none other than Peeves the Poltergeist, who kept whizzing around over my head while I tried to grab more food to eat in peace. Then I somehow ended up causing an explosion in the middle of Charms Class while we were supposed to be learning Lumos, the wand-lighting charm. I had no friends to eat with at lunch time, and to top it all off, Eunice Ahn from Slytherin jinxed my broom before my first flying class of the year, resulting in my broom giving me more than just one painful bash in the face. Eventually the hard wood slapped me so hard in the nose that blood began to trickle out at the end of class, turning into a downpour by the time I reached the Great Hall again for dinner.
Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for company at the Hufflepuff table this time.
"Wotcher--whoa, you alright?" Tonks asked as she approached the table, running towards me the minute she saw me plugging my nose with the sleeves of my robes. "What happened?"
"Jinxed broom," I responded thickly through the blood. "Eunice Ahn jinxed it before class, so it kept hitting me in the face when I tried to summon it. It eventually got me hard on the nose."
Seconds later, the girl with the silver hair--Chiara--rushed over and pulled out her wand.
"No worries, I can help you get it fixed," she said, gently removing the sleeve and pointing her wand at my nose. "Episkey!"
For a moment, I felt something really cold, then something really hot, over my nose, and I winced at the pain. When it was all done, though, it felt better. I gingerly touched it, shocked at how quickly it mended. "Wow. Thank you, Chiara."
"No problem. I'm working to become a Healer when I graduate, so I'd like to get as much practice in while I can here," Chiara explained with a smile, sitting down beside me.
"At least you got it better than me," Tonks said with a laugh. "I'm dead clumsy, so I get banged up so easily in Flying Class even without a jinxed broom. I got more bruises and nosebleeds than I could count. Things'll get better, Em--you'll see!"
It was hard to find that peaceful moment after such a heck of a day, but I had to believe that Tonks was right. I nodded solemnly as I took a bite out of the first sandwich I got, chewing slowly as the taste of chicken and mayonnaise spread over my tongue like glue, sticking fast to my teeth. Nothing like the taste of home to put me at slight ease.
Eventually, as I finished my fill, Clara burst in the Great Hall, and ran right to where I was sitting, completely disregarding the tuts of a few students glaring at her in disapproval.
"I heard you got a nosebleed in flying class, Em," she said, sitting beside me. "Are you alright?"
I nodded, rubbing my nose slightly. "Yeah. Chiara managed to mend it just fine, so don't worry."
"Alright." Clara nodded as she took a sandwich from the Hufflepuff table and began to munch on it with me. "If you don't mind, I would like to take you to see Ben. I just found him in the Artefact Room just now...and he's not in a good position right now."
That does not sound good. I've heard stories of Ben Copper--the scared Muggle-born Gryffindor who would only accept a challenge with so little confidence and a face that said scared tot. Though he helped my sister with the first curse at the school--the curse where ice flooded the school--he was still frightened by everything out of the ordinary. At least, until he went to the buried vault with my sister and shut everyone out after.
"Ah." I nodded thoughtfully again and watched as Clara stuffed the sandwich in her mouth. "Well, I would still like to meet him, if that's okay."
"I was the one who asked you if it was fine. If you say it is, then let's go," Clara eventually said as she drained a goblet of pumpkin juice.
The two of us said goodbye to Tonks and Chiara, and we slowly walked out of the Great Hall to a dark room Clara said was the Artefact Room. The minute we entered, I automatically plugged my nose, a strange sensation arising within me threatening me to puke out what little dinner I ate. I've never been in a sewer before, but if I had, it would smell just like this--a strong stench of mothballs and unwashed feet and mouldy cheese thrown into the mix. Standing in the middle of said room, surprisingly not affected by the stink, was a Gryffindor boy about Clara's age, with blonde hair and a long face, holding a slightly deformed skull in one hand and contemplating over it as if it were an interesting specimen.
"That's Ben?" I whispered to my sister. "He does not sound like the boy you described him as."
"That's because he isn't," Clara whispered back. "He's changed since the last Vault."
She stepped up to him now and looked at him quizzically. "Ben. What are you doing?"
"What do you think I can get for this skull in Knockturn Alley?" he said in a calm voice.
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Instantly, Clara’s eyebrows furrowed in suspicion, and I glanced over at Ben again. Somehow he didn’t seem to notice her skeptical glance. The tension in the air was starting to thicken the longer I looked at them.
"That's what you wanted to ask me?"
"Yes. What could I get, if I were to make a trade?"
"Why would you want to trade a skull?"
"Hmm, so you're no help. Perhaps I should ask Jae Kim instead."
"That skull isn't even yours! You can't just take it!"
"Sure I can--unless you plan to stop me?"
"Of course I would! Stealing artefacts that aren't yours to trade in a place that normally scares you out of your wits--Ben, have you gone mad?"
"Au contraire, Clara, it's rare that I think so clearly."
I looked from Clara to Ben, almost as if they were in a tennis match, my sleeve still plugged to my nose to block out the smell. I know I've only heard about Ben through her stories, but this was not the Ben she told me he was. It was almost as if he'd stripped away the one emotion that made everyone human and became...less human. I couldn't tell whether he was really saying this to blow Clara off and bluff his newfound confidence, or whether he was genuinely feeling that way. Either way, I wasn't sure I'd want to be his friend if I had the option.
"Ben, what's happened to you?" Clara demanded. "You weren't at the Welcome Feast--I would have introduced you to my sister if you were there--"
"What does it matter? She's here now, isn't she, and in a different house, too." Ben took one look at me and stared, long and hard, at the yellow badger crest on my robes--completely different from the scarlet lion one on his, and Clara's, robes. "I guess I shouldn't have kept my expectations high for the baby Lin."
"That's really rude, Ben. Little Em had been looking forward to meeting you--"
"Yeah, okay. Hello. I'm Ben. In Gryffindor. Like Clara." His voice hinted at the annoyance and impatience that I wasn't used to hearing in my entire life--even after my parents fought for countless days over Jacob. "Well, what did you expect me to say, Clara? I wouldn't even have wanted to see her even if I was at the Welcome Feast. That stuff's for kids."
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"We are kids, Ben!" Clara protested, folding her arms.
"Really. After all the horrors we've seen? Perhaps you and your sister are. But I'm not." Ben shook his head in disdain at me and turned back to my sister. "I told you when we last talked at the Hog's Head Inn that I was vowing to make myself a new person."
So it was mentioned after all between the two of them--and at least I knew that Clara was not kidding me. Something seemed to have punctured between the both of them, and I stepped back, sitting down on the ground cross-legged, with my sleeves still over my nose, while Clara and Ben continued their argument.
"You can't just make yourself an adult over the summer, though!" Clara said.
"Yeah, I knew that. But I've made myself stronger. After this summer, I'm like a new Ben."
I had to agree with Clara there. Resolve wouldn't come in just the snap of the fingers. It would take a long process to change someone--even if the trigger to do so seemed instantaneous. My eyes darted once more between Clara and Ben, my heart pounding in my chest as if someone was deliberately hammering it to something so fine, so fragile.
"Well, I don't like 'new Ben' so far," Clara decided.
"That's too bad!"
"You're being really rude! You don't even care about my sister!"
"Well, it's better than being timid and scared all the time, I'll tell you that much."
"And what exactly did you do to become...this person you are now?" I asked finally, my voice muffled through my sleeves.
Ben eventually turned to me and raised an eyebrow. "You really want to know? I'll tell you both, then."
And so he did. Clara kept insisting that she wrote notes to him, even sent them with her owl Wagner, but he constantly brushed that aside. He only told us how he had tested the speed limits of his broom, spent time in Borgin and Burkes, and left this Sickleworth character alone to fend for himself. For some reason, that seemed to really set Clara off, and she looked like she was about to scream.
"Ben, I have no idea what to say," Clara finally said. "Your confidence is almost..."
"Dangerous?" Ben finished expectantly.
"Yes!" we both exclaimed.
"It wasn't so long ago that reading a book about wild Nifflers was your idea of bravery," Clara added, scratching her head.
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"Oh, I remember that day with you and Charlie in the library," Ben said. "You were talking about dragons. He thought it would scare me. It's not his fault, though--people treat you differently when they assume you're afraid. Treat you like you're made of glass, instinctively want to protect you..."
"What's wrong with letting your friends protect you?" I inquired quietly, not daring to speak up in case I made things worse. "Or protecting your friends, for that matter?"
"Nothing! That's my point. I want to be the protector now," Ben answered. "And as far as making assumptions go...I don't want anyone to assume anything about me anymore."
"There's little chance of that," Clara piped up, shaking her head. "Even I can't seem to figure you out right now."
"What Rakepick did to us in that Cursed Vault...that kind of cruelty and betrayal by an adult we both trusted...it was like nothing I've ever experienced. And you've been changed by it too, Clara, whether you realize it or not."
Changed, my sister? Of course she'd know. I could tell she's changed after she got home for the summer--always shutting herself in her room, resorting to writing and playing music to retain her sanity without losing her mind. I heard her screaming in her sleep. I was just surprised she still managed to keep it together at all.
"But honestly? I think I may have changed for the better," Ben continued. "And if you really want to help someone, focus on someone who's changed for the worse."
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"What? Who's changed for the worse?" 
"See for yourself. She's likely trying to shred training dummies at the Training Grounds right now..."
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allstarliza · 5 years
Text
No Weigh-in
Mental Health Post - Read with Caution.
There won’t be any official weigh-in for June. My weight at my last Dr’s visit was 307 and that was about a week ago. The truth is, I had a sort of breakdown. I was exhausted, I wasn’t sleeping hardly at all. I started having bad thoughts, none of which I will share here. I had those thoughts for about a week before I told anyone, and that was when I was truly at the end of what I could stand.
I told my husband the thoughts I was having, suicidal and thoughts of harming myself. I honestly don’t know how I made it through a week with these thoughts contradicting everything. My anxiety was the highest its ever been.
I felt hopeless and helpless and I felt constantly attacked.
My husband came with me to my doctor’s appointments, first to my counselor who helped me feel a little better and while she knew how I hate being on the truck with my husband knew that I needed to be with someone until my doctor could look at my medicines and make a switch.
I was terrified that whole day, because I was worried my doctor would force me to go to the hospital which is something I definitely didn’t want to do. There was an overwhelming fear of being taken against my will and being put in a place that had none of my comforts or coping mechanisms and doctors I didn’t know making judgements about my health without listening to me and what I wanted.
That appointment went just as I feared it would. I felt pressured even by my husband to go to the hospital I had no support from anyone. I understand that 99% of the people that go in thinking the same bad thoughts I did need to be hospitalized to be protected, but I didn’t. I was absolutely exhausted mentally and physically so when I had a dr, nurse, and spouse, pressuring me to go to the ER I said yes.
My husband started driving me there after we called and let my Mom and Sister know what was going on and it was immediate as soon as we left the parking lot I knew it was wrong. I started panicking, I wanted to get out of the car, I wanted to be home where I was safe. He wouldn’t listen, he drove me all the way to the ER with me having a panic attack and begging him with everything I had not to make me go.
I was willing to do anything but go to the hospital.
We ended up having my mom and sister come down the next day to stay with me for several days.
I was fine that night, I was still having thoughts but I was home and safe. I was honest about every thought that ran through my brain.
The nurse called the next morning after my mom and sister pretty much turned onto my street. The call was very aggressive, and not at all understanding and despite me telling her that I would have 24 hr attention until we could figure out my medicine situation she sent EMS and a cop to my house.
I was having another panic attack by the time my family arrived and what had been an okay morning turned into one of the worst days of my life.
My husband talked to the cop, someone local that he knew and the EMS came and I had to make myself calm enough to answer their questions. They declared that I was in my right mind and could not force me to go with them but they still made me go to the hospital this time driven by my mom and sister. My husband left to go to work, he had stayed several days longer and we couldn’t afford for him to stay any longer.
I have never been more afraid. They took me to the ER and I was forced to go into a room, it was white extremely bare with 2 chairs a large window for a tech to look in on me every 15 minutes. It had a single bed which wasn’t plugged in so I could even raise it to get any sort of comfort, it had 1 pillow and no bedding. My family came in the room with me, a nurse came in asked me questions then I was told they needed a urine sample, and to take several viles of blood to see if there was some chemical problem. They took everything from me, I was forced to put on a pair of paper scrubs, that didn’t fit. The tech ended up letting me wear my jeans but I had to wear and extremely tight and restricted paper shirt that made me feel exposed. Then they took my jewelry, which I’ve come to wear like armour. Then I wasn’t even allowed my phone, I could do nothing but sit on the bed and look around the room. There was even a camera recording and probably listening to everything that was said. I had no privacy, which I understand is the point but I felt like an animal without dignity or respect.
My anxiety was completely high the hold time I was there. A counselor came in to evaluate me and basically told me what I wanted didn’t matter and he was going to listen to my doctor. I thought my family would support me, knowing that I wanted to go home but they didn’t and I felt even more hopeless then when I first went in. I never told anyone but the thoughts got worse after that, I didn’t trust my family. I didn’t trust anyone but myself and God. Who I prayed to without every thought and breath after the counselor left, I sat down in a corner and prayed. I knew that it was wrong and I prayed that they would see that somehow and let me go home.
I was released a couple hours later, the counselor talked to my doctor and got me an appointment for the next day which I HAD to go too. He was really upset, I could tell. He absolutely wanted me to stay, but they had no real reason to hold me. I was very concise about not wanting to be there, and concise that despite the bad thoughts I was having that I didn’t want to hurt or kill myself.
So, I went home. We packed and for the next several days I stayed at my parents house under 24hr observation. This week I ended up able to go home for about 2 days and now I’m on vacation with them.
My anxiety is high again but I’m not having bad thoughts. I’m just trying to stay away from all of my relatives that give me anxiety and stress. I was doing good with a schedule of sleeping. Taking my medicine at 10 and going to sleep by 11. Something that while I was at my mom’s house she was super supportive, but now its like she’s completely forgotten. So now I’m here in a situation that is taking all my strength and energy to get through and I haven’t seen my husband since that day at the hospital and he got to see our friends and their baby over the weekend and I haven’t been able to talk to him much and I miss him desperately. He’s the only person I want to see and hug and kiss and just sit and be with. I need his comfort desperately. I need any kind of comfort desperately.
My relatives have a pool and we were swimming in it last night and there were two bats that kept swooping down at us to drink the water. I started panicking again, it was too soon after having the bats in my house. NO ONE believed me that they were bats... My sister didn’t see them apparently and neither did anyone else, they just made me feel crazy. I am not crazy. The only comfort I got was from my 3 year old nephew who swam up and held onto me and kept saying, “It’s okay, please don’t be scared.”
I’m trying with all my might to feel better, right now I’m locked away in the bedroom I’m staying in and typing this post. Earlier I put on headphones and listened to music, I feel so bad that I can’t be better. They don’t know what’s going on with me, and I won’t tell them. Apparently I have a cousin who they believe is bi-polar and they’ve completely cut her out of their lives and talk about her like garbage. I don’t know how to feel about that, but I just don’t like these people.
I haven’t even thought about eating good food, my body is filled with garbage and I need help recommitting to something that I’ve been feeling like it hasn’t been helping. I’ve been putting more thought into carnivore at the very least. Once I’m home I’m hoping that I can get back to a healthy routine and schedule because I’ve been very.. anxious about all the changes we’ve had traveling. I almost felt like I was doing the routine compulsively but I don’t think that’s a good thing.
I’m sorry if what I’ve written upsets anyone, but I have no other outlet. This is something that’s not my fault, but I still blame myself. I am working on so much in my life and I can only thank you for your patience and support.
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