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#edit: stop acting like this is something to be ashamed of this post is literally about me
wingsandpetals · 2 years
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guy who only thinks about his interests when anything happens: getting a lot of 'my interests' vibes from this
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inourtownofhawkins · 10 months
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@eddiesbuttcheeks
Miles,
I know you’ll most likely ignore this message and tell the entire server an edited version of events, since that’s what you did when I DMed you on Twitter, but I don’t care what you do. I have screenshots of fucking EVERYTHING so don’t try to spin this shit.
In the short time I’ve known you, I literally have never seen a fully grown adult demand so much attention from a bunch of strangers on the internet. To the point where if anyone else said anything, it was irrelevant to them. But your word was gospel.
The amount of gaslighting you and your friends did when I said to you PERSONALLY that I felt like I was ignored and unwelcomed was insane. I could recount so many instances of where I was straight up ignored, but your friends said, “so many people talk, messages get lost”. Please, I have literally been in servers with more members and that are more active than yours and nobody’s messages were so blatantly ignored than many people’s in your server.
I would literally just post something in main, but everyone else would be practically having an orgy in the NSFW chat or selfies. Which, by the way, is not a normal way to talk to your friends. You shouldn’t want to fuck every single one of your friends, and you shouldn’t surround yourself with people who literally faun at your feet. That’s not reality.
But on top of those things; your apology you posted before deleting your whole account. You called yourself a victim – a victim of what exactly? This is why I know you have a victim complex because every single person who is genuinely a victim of something would never say “I am a victim; I’m not just acting like it” but then never say what they’re a victim of. If you were genuinely a victim of anything, you would never need to say you're a victim.
You also blame your BPD, which you say is undiagnosed but have brought it up constantly. Either you get diagnosed or you stop talking about a mental illness you think you have from googling your symptoms or other people have lead you to believe you have.
For whatever reason in that apology, you told people to go to you if you’ve hurt them to talk it out. But yet, you ignored my Twitter DM which was an opportunity to talk things out like adults. You knew my Twitter, Discord and Tumblr, you had multiple days to reach out and apologise and talk it out, but instead you told your friends an edited version of what I had said, leaving out key details and made me seem like the bad person when I literally DMed you privately to avoid drama and to hopefully be able to talk it out like actual fucking adults but clearly you never want to do that.
In your newest bio you claim to also have autism, yet I have asked a couple of people who have actually known you and none of them have told me that you’ve mentioned having autism. If you truly have both BPD and autism, you’re not stable enough to even be on the internet with the way you’re acting and reacting to things.
As someone who does have autism but never broadcasts it, I’m fucking ashamed that someone as old as you is acting like a fucking child. Grow the fuck up and stop thinking you’re gods gift when you’re not. You’re giving people with autism a bad name and it’s fucking embarrassing.
The reason why so many people don’t like you is because you’re a selfish, manipulative asshole who puts up the act of being this dude who gets bitches, when in reality all the bitches you get are your just as hypocritical friends.
I don’t give a fuck if your friends hate me and harass me; I can see you for who you truly are while their rose-tinted glasses only get foggier. And I know I’m far from the only person who feels this way.
I would say “I hope you realise how much you’re hurting people” but frankly, you’re a lost cause.
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lovecatsys · 5 months
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ough.
I'm contemplating taking a break from tumblr, or at least from the comics side of tumblr for a bit.
these past few weeks this feeling of being... a Fraud has been eating me from the inside out. the fact of the matter is that i have only been into comics for like, just about a year at this point, which means ive only read a really small chunk so far. I've been scared of admitting that because I've been scared of being called out for acting like I've read more comics than I actually have, and i swear to god its been effecting my mental health so poorly that i am admitting it now because it literally doesnt matter. at its core this is just. internet fandom drama. and that should not be affecting me like this.
(more explanation/rambles under the cut.)
I am an extremely, very sensitive autistic guy. When I became part of this fandom it was a bit of a shock because I hadn't interacted with the internet like this in years, and comics fans are... intense. being part of such a large fandom that is so filled with anger, even when justified, has not been good for me.
My whole life I have conditioned myself to try and fit in, to copy the behaviors of those around me, and it has had lasting effects on me. I have been angry, I have been rude. I have copied the behaviors of a lot of people in this fandom and twisted them in very unhealthy ways. I hated it. Especially because when I see people doing the exact same things with different opinions about things i care about, its made me so upset. thats not healthy.
Not sure if anyone remembers the phase I had where I wouldn't shut up about how angry I was that Laura Kinney was whitewashed, but that was something that i was rightfully pissed off about but I was so obsessively angry about it that it wasnt healthy.
In general I react so strongly to people having opinuons I dont agree with simply because Im so caught up in this idea of needing to have the opinion that is "truly" correct so that everyone will accept me and like me. and if that isnt the case, if i have an opinion people i care about disagree with, i become ashamed. Yeah, I really need to work on this jn therapy. its fucked, i know.
I'm not sure what to do, because I want to continue to be an active participant in this fandom, I want to post my fanfiction and write analysis and potentially make character edits, I want to engage with comics fans so I can promote my own comic, but I need to stop this. I don't know exactly what that means yet, but for now I think I might take a break from tumblr. It won't be the first time ive done this, as those of you who knew me as a 16 year old remember, it'll probably be fairly short, but I needed to put this out here and let the people in comics fandom i know see this.
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solcheeky · 3 years
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our secret
summary: fratboy!donghyuck turns paperboy! when he needs some extra money for college stuff like textbooks. he thinks delivering way outside of campus will save face from being a measly paperboy, but little does he know, the front yard light he hits (and breaks) belongs to his significantly well off classmate... (3k)
warnings: strong language here and there genre: enemies to ..friends? a/n: I’ve merged these two requests together! meaning I have and haven’t included aspects of each, hope that’s okay! (2021 edit: hi I found this in my drafts from last year and idk why I never posted it so yeah, here we go)
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“You’re late.” Your professor calls out as Donghyuck fails to sneak into lecture hall unnoticed
You sigh, you’d think he’d at least look ashamed to step foot into class at such a late time
You suppose with Lee Donghyuck, things were always different
The boy winces comically, inhaling between his teeth brazenly, and students stifle their laughter
Then with a simple raise of his hand, he gestures a flimsy ‘my bad’ and a ‘continue, continue’ before charmingly wiping the sweat off his brow and sitting in the empty seat saved by his friends
The professor frowns, “you’re late.” He repeats as if to encourage the young rebel to at least say something
“I’m Haechan,” the rebel says under his breath, flopping his backpack onto the desk, “not ‘late’” a sarcastic smile stretching his lips as his friends snicker at his dumb joke
You roll your eyes, he was unbelievable.
“Alright, alright, that’s enough.” The professor claps his hands. “And Mr. Late,” he emphasizes, “don’t think you’re getting away with anything.”
So he drops it on him like a bomb: “For the rest of this week, meet me in the office an hour before classes start.”
The grin on Donghyuck’s face immediately wipes off his face and his heart drops to his stomach
“Prof!” He whines back
Karma, you think. That’s what he gets for being so up his own ass
It wouldn’t kill him to wake up a little bit earlier. He relied so much on his ‘so loveable’ personality and popularity, you couldn’t stand it
If you even attempted to do half the things he got away with, you’d be expelled by now
You drop your pen and lean back into your seat with a sigh, you had no choice but to sit back and watch him waste valuable lesson time over this insolence
“You can’t do that!” Seriously, Donghyuck would do anything else other than doing extra hours in the morning
“And you can’t be late to my lectures all the time. What are you not getting here Mr. Late?”
“But I can’t.” Donghyuck immediately regrets saying that out loud like that; the vulnerability in his voice a little too close to home
“And, why not?” Your professor bounces back thankfully brushing past the genuine desperation in his students voice
The reason why not was something ‘Lee Haechan’ couldn’t say out loud. If he did, he’d lose everything
So instead, he sticks with his usual tongue-in-cheek mannerism, “because I don’t want to.”—A sneaky beat around the bush on his part because, little did everyone know, Lee Haechan, the star player and everyone’s favorite goofball, was a measly paperboy
Why?
Because he was dumb broke.
It was a job that required him waking up extra early to race around neighborhoods on his bike, something he had to do regardless rain or sun just tossing as many papers onto people's front porches,
Something he already was finding so much of a difficulty doing: racing to class and acting as if his muscles weren’t burning or the fabric under is backpack wasn’t drenched in sweat
But now this ‘meet me in the office an hour earlier than classes start’ bullshit
That would mean he’d have to wake up even earlier than he already did!
“Doesn’t matter if you don’t want to, you’re going to.” Is the last thing your professor says on that topic before swiftly moving on.
Oh to be born with a silver spoon in his mouth, is what he always thinks as he cycles his rounds in the wealthy neighborhood
If there was one thing he didn’t have, it was this. 
He looks at the blaringly affluent homes that surrounded him and heaves another sigh, the same road he rides every morning (and now this extra early morning) effortlessly reminding him of how absolutely poor his ass was
Grumbling under his breath in a tantrum about his professor in his head, he angrily hurls newspapers onto doorsteps
It was the fact that he had to deal with this at ungodly hours in the morning—as if this job wasn’t already enough
Donghyuck frustratedly hurls another newspaper, but this time around, it shoots straight into someone's front garden post light, knocking it over and completely disrupting the perfect order in which the other trail of foot lights were set in
What the heck?
Immediately, he hits the breaks, his tires screeching loudly in the quietness of the early morning
Profanities frantically leave his lips as he hurriedly drops his bike onto the sidewalk in a clatter, and runs ahead to see the damage he’s made
The lamp was perfectly struck to its side.
Well, that’s just great—he can’t afford college textbooks let alone the broken path lamp on some rich persons lawn
So, his first thoughts are to pull it back into the place, completely irrational, but it’s the only thing that runs through his mind when he’s on a time crunch to get off private property
Except, the damn thing is stuck; literally cemented into this lopsided tilt
Man, Donghyuck swears he could tug all day and it wouldn’t get back into place
It was like the universe was having fun being against him
You, on the other hand, were watching this boy struggle to fix your light back into place from the comfort of your window.
He looked ridiculously cute trying to tug that lamp back into place, curled almost into a ball in the middle of your lawn, his eyebrows sewn into a line of frustration and lips pursed
You knew he was your paperboy from the start of his laborious cycling trips, but did Donghyuck know he was delivering papers to his very own classmate every morning?
You guess not.
...Until now
You knock three times from behind the glass, successfully capturing the boy's attention before mouthing, “what are you doing?”
The agitation on his features drops and immediately his eyes widen at your familiar face
Except, he isn’t given much time to reply before the lamp between his fingers gives in to his weight and recoils back smacking him right in the nose
“Holy shit!” You forget you’re only in socks when you open your front door and race towards him
Donghyuck automatically drops the (now broken) piece of your lawn to cup his bruising face
“Ah- Fucking shit- Ow!” He bends forwards on his knees into the grass, forehead pressing into your lawn before he rocks back up again to scrunch a deep frown up towards the sky. “Jesus-”
“Are you okay?!” Dropping to your knees, you place a cautious hand to his back
“Yes.” He groans into his palms, rocking back down towards the grass again
He definitely wasn’t.
But he needed to get out of there quick; there’s no way he’d let you recognize him
Yeah, you weren’t that stupid.
“Let me see,” you carefully bring him up by his shoulders, your head leaning down towards his to see the damage
“No- Ow! Crap-”
“You’re bleeding!” You try to pry at his wrists but he rips away from your hands
That’s when Donghyuck finally looks up to scowl at you; a frown stitched hard into into his forehead, eyes watering, hair all ruffled, but most alarmingly—a scarlet ribbon of blood running down his wrists
“I’m okay.” He muffles into his hands.
And wow did he look like an idiot.
“Sorry about your-” 
“Jesus Hyuck, you’re not fooling anyone.”
The boy visibly stiffens at your choice of his name
“Haechan.” You quickly correct yourself
He gulps
You glance away
“Let’s just put an ice-pack on that.” Then you’re dragging him into your house
“Quit moving!” You dab a wet cloth across the cut above Donghyuck’s lip
“Well, it hurts.” He tries to complain without moving his mouth too much
You purse your lips and Donghyuck attempts to adjust the ice pack on his nose despite your warning
With a sigh, you take his wrist and bring his arm down to his lap, “Hyuck, if you keep-” you feel him stiffen under your touch. “Haechan.” You keep doing that. “Sorry.”
He just diverts his eyes elsewhere and mumbles, “It’s whatever.” under his breath
So, you bring your attention back to cleaning his cut, your cheeks heating up at the thought of how much of a creep you probably were by calling him by his old name
“I’m-”
“Y/n.” His voice was a little clearer this time, a soft frown on his face, “I remember.”
He kind of wished you didn’t though. This was so embarrassing.
You pull the cloth away from his reddening cheeks, that annoyed flustered look on his face pulling at the nostalgia in you
It was only natural to call him ‘Hyuck’ because you had been going to the same school as him for years
Ever since you were kids, through highschool and now somehow, still impossibly in college, you’ve been with him
You almost had every class with the loud idiot back when he was still ‘Donghyuck’
For as long as you could remember, he had always been the center of gravity in every class, his punchy personality and almost too friendly way of speaking easily giving him the ‘popular’ tag 
It made you have a bit of a crush on him when you were younger, but who didn’t? 
Now, you found him irritating. 
The only thought you had about him consisted of wishing he’d stop using his status to his advantage and just come to class right instead of wasting your lesson time
“Can I ask you something?” He dodges your hand for a second, eyes looking down as if to hide away his embarrassment 
“Sure,” you naturally reach forward again to dab his cut, but he stops you at the wrist
“Can you,” you lift your focus away from his lip to the slight grimace on his face, “not tell anyone about this?”
You blink at him, and a muscle works in his jaw
“Seriously, people can’t know about this.” 
But you simply pull your wrist out of his grip and go back to tending to his wound
You hadn’t told anyone since you’d found he was your paperboy, and that was weeks ago. So why was he so worked up?
Hadn’t the situation already called for it anyway? Who in their right mind would tell anyone after this? For you, it was obviously common courtesy
But before you can reply, he tilts his face into your line of vision. “Are you listening to me?” The frown on his face deepens and he instantly brings the ice pack in this hand over his face at the sudden pain through his nose
That attitude of his easily drove you crazy.
“That was a stupid question.” You give up on cleaning the blood on his lip and push the ice-pack deeper into his face, “if you used that stupid, egotistical brain of yours-”
“Ah! Ow- Ooow-”
“Maybe you’d realize I’ve never told anyone about your paper rounds before.”
“Ow!” He wrenches away from your frustrated grip, the look on his face just as annoyed as you. “You’re going to break my nose!” 
“You broke my yard lamp!”
He looks at you with a huff; a slight puff to his reddened cheeks, furrowed brows and tears ever so slightly brimming his eyes
If that lamp didn’t cost about five times the price of his bike he’d say something back.
You easily read that off his expression
“You don’t have to pay for it.” You start to pack up the first-aid kit you’d opened up on your coffee table just to not look at him in the eyes when you say that
As much as he irritated you, you weren’t that petty
“Really?” The genuine doubt in his face relaxing the annoyance in you a little
“Yeah.” Money wasn’t a problem for you, it was his attitude
But the casualness Donghyuck catches in your tone reminds him of the starkly different worlds you live in
So he musters it up within himself to at least show some kind of gratitude, “...Thanks.” 
And it’s almost inaudible when he says it under his breath like that
But you catch it as you pull a bandaid out of the box before you close it
“On one condition.” You turn to look at him dead in the eyes.
One of his brows slightly quirk up in interest
“Hand.”
He opens his palm to you and you purposely slap the bandaid into it.
“Stop coming late to class, you’re wasting everyone's time.”
Instantly, his jaw goes slack. 
Unable to say anything he stares as you rise from your seat in content, first aid kit in hand, before walking behind the sofa towards the kitchen
You didn’t have to say it like that.
He swings an elbow over the back of the couch, “Sorry for bringing you the paper every morning!” Maybe he was a little offended
You turn on your heels to face him, noticing the bandaid now crushed in the fist of the hand he had over the couch and ice-pack abandoned on the coffee table (the full glory of his bruising nose and cut lip on show)
“I said ‘don’t be late’ not ‘don’t bring me the paper’.” Then you disappear into the kitchen.
Donghyuck has to close his eyes for a second, exhaling a frustrated sigh before standing up in a huff and following your footsteps.
How could you say something so insensitive? Yeah, maybe he broke your lamp or whatever, but he tried to fix it!
And sure, he was sort of bleeding over your couch and used your ice pack, but he totally said thanks
“That’s just- You’re so,” He’s standing at the doorway by the time you’re done, bandaid still stuck in the frustrated grip of his hand
“So what, Hyuck?”
Seeing the all star, team favorite class clown crumble at the simple play of his old nickname made something in your stirr
“Insufferable.” 
You? Your lips turn up in amusement. He was the insufferable one, you almost scoff
“You and your big house, fancy first aid kit, stupid lamps on your lawn,” he takes a bold step forward at every reason until he’s one step to being chest to chest, “I’m just trying to do my job, and go to class.”
You look at him straight in the eyes. “Well, you’re hardly succeeding at either of those.”  
You...
Donghyuck runs his tongue across his inner cheek before biting down on his bottom lip in a brazen attempt to act unfazed by that fatal side comment
A coppery, metal taste pricks his tongue, and he realizes he’s reopened up the cut on his lip again
But that was the least of his worries. You had no idea what it was like being broke. If there was anything he didn’t have, it was everything you did. You probably couldn’t even fathom the type of shit he’s had to go through and even more so: hide.
The way you acted as if his biggest problem in life was as easy as brushing the dust of his shoulder just pissed him off.
“Have you ever thought of waking up earlier?” 
Ah, there it was again, Donghyuck wants to roll his eyes
“I sleep late.” He says dryly.
“Then sleep earlier.”
“I have other shit to do, like study.” 
“Then, manage your time better.” If he really wanted to ‘do his job’ and ‘get to class’, he could’ve done it by now.
He was always messing about with friends and organizing parties, stories spread around like wildfire on campus about the things he occupied himself with other than ‘having shit to do like studying’, you weren’t stupid
It was by the end of high school, when you began to see him as a person who valued himself with the amount of friends knew or the amount of partying he did
And at first you were mad that he had the things you never did, but seeing him easily get washed up by it all made you think maybe you didn’t need what he had
Now you figure his ego was so far up his ass he couldn’t even sit right—that’s probably why he couldn’t cycle to class on time
“And don’t use your bike, you’re clearly slow on it.” You tack on.
“I don’t even have a car!” He snaps back
He made you want to pull out your own hair. “Jeez, first this, then that, god Hyuck, you keep-”
“You say that as if it were so easy,” his words overlapping yours as you continue
“-making up so much bullshit because the only thing you really put effort into is your image,” Your words running over his too.
“-if I could get a car, don’t you think I’d have one already?”
“Then I’ll just take you!” That puts both of you to a stop.
“So, quit giving me stupid excuses to ruin my lectures every day.” If the things money could buy were what he needed, you had it
You snatch the bandaid out of his fist, rip it open and harshly stick it across his bottom lip. It was annoying to see him ignore it like that.
“You usually finish an hour before class right?” You frown up at him
Donghyuck opens his mouth then closes it again.
“Because if you reroute and make me the last house, I’ll take you with me by car.”
“What?” He manages to say. What the hell just happened?
a/n: okay so there was a lot more to the story and character development but it ran too long I had to cut it off bc I cba to edit lmao 
also I seemed to have gone way out of the request lines near the end my bad my bad, but I at least hope you’ve enjoyed it! thoughts???? a part 2?
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portokali · 3 years
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melocrows (melodrama for the crows)
green light - nina!!! did it frighten you? how we kissed when we danced on the light-up floor
sober - but what will we do when we’re sober? / ain’t no pill that can touch our rush - all very jesper, a song all about chasing a high and drowning away your troubles/using pleasure for escapism, while constantly anxious of inevitably having to face reality.
homemade dynamite: jesper/wylan anthem. don’t know you super well but i think that you might be the same as me / behave abnormally and they are, of course, blowin’ shit up with homemade dynamite.
the louvre - kanej anthem, giving half of my wardrobe is on your bedroom floor a different meaning - they’re not fucking, it’s kaz casually undressing & washing up in front of inej (all part of his flirting technique all part of the plan). i am your sweetheart, psychopathic crush is kaz pov / but lover you’re the one to blame, all that you do, can you hear the violence? is inej pov.
liability - you were little much for me / you were liability is very much Sad Wylan Hours, whether because of his father or even the crows roasting him early in the first book.
hard feelings - predictably another kanej anthem. please could you be tender? and i will sit close to you is inej @ kaz i’m at [ketterdam] city, it’s late and this song is for you is kaz @ inej. the entirety of the song? kanej 2nd act breakup (it actually plays everytime they get pissed at each other and inej walks away bc theyre dramatic like that)
it was real for me, yeah, real for me, now i’ll fake it every single day til i don’t need fantasy - also very nina/matthias post-betrayal
loveless  - all of them as they are all the l o v e l e s s generation (of the barrel).  but it’s specficially giving nina and jesper cause they’re the ones to go well guess what? i like that so although the general sentiment of lovelessness applies to all the crows, nina and jesper are the narrators of the song because they’re aware of it (as Designated Team Flirts)
sober ii (melodrama) - Everyone anthem, as after all it is the title track. ish.
clearly a much more somber jesper pov from sober (all the gun fights, and the lime lights / god i wonder why we bother) - but the fact that the tone is much more reflective this time around gives the song a wylan voice (something about lights are on and they’ve gone home / oh how fast the evening passes, cleaning up the champagne glasses and wylan alone/lonely in his family mansion)
the existential/religious undertones of this steer to an inej pov: the holy sick divine lights is her struggling to reconcile her actions with her faith as well as her being an outsider to the main religion in ketterdam, and no you won’t remember in the morning when i speak my mind is very inej pov kanej early in soc.
at its heart, though, the song is undeniably soc-era nina/matthias: they’ll talk about us, all the lovers, how we kissed and killed each other, and then finishes off with one of the most -if not the most- kaz lyrics, which is, of course, we told you this was melodrama / you wanted something that we offered
writer in the dark - 1st verse is kaz pov of the kanej breakup (sorry i was never good like you)
the chorus doesn’t really fit them as they never kiss, but it works beautifully for wylan after jesper kisses kuwei (bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark - kuwei isn’t exactly a writer but everyone literate is a writer to wylan).
but in our darkest hours i stumbled on a secret power, i’ll find a way to be without, babe - nina in the second half of ck. edit cause apparently this post wasn’t already long enough: so is i still feel you now and then, slow like pseudoeuphedrine [*parem]
i’ll love you til my breathing stops / i’ll love you til you call the cops on me is everyone @ everyone.
supercut - matthias and nina about their relationship pre-soc. mostly matthias pov, but make you crazy over my touch is all nina
liability (reprise) - as liability is a wylan song, liability (reprise) is a jesper song, especially after falling out with kaz and progressively getting over him while still caring for him. all of the dreams that get harder / all of the things that i offer you / but you’re not what you thought you were. 
perfect places - kaz!!! are you lost enough? have another drink, get lost in us, this is how we get notorious / all of the things we’re taking, cause we are young and we’re ashamed / all of our heroes fading / what the fuck are perfect places, anyway?
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Text
❛ THE FIGHT ❜
Second chapter of ‘Someone you loved’ with Michael ‘Riz’ Ariza.
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Warnings: none.
Word count: about 1.3k
Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!
Gif credits: to my wonderful @sonsofeorl ✨
Masterlist. You can subscribe to my broadcast list, to be notified whenever I post a writing!
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One of the good things that has to be Bishop's daughter is that Taza spoils you whenever. This time, he has let you destroy a car of the scrapping, feeling how stressed you have been for the last few days. While another party is happening in the clubhouse, Leti and Gabriela accompany you through the main alley, to the farthest part of the scrap. Carrying a baseball bat in your right hand, you find an old SUV perfectly parked and ready for you. Wearing a pair of glasses and covering your hands with big gloves, the show starts while the girls drink beer and listen to your misery.
“I fucking hate him!” You scream full of rage, hitting the pilot window.
It crashes into small pieces falling to gravel on the floor. Turning at them, you raise both arms at both sides of your body.
“Can you really fucking believe it? He fucking came to me! To ask me for advice to date that… fucking bitch!” This time, you smash the rearview mirror with all your strength, beating it until it's unfixable. “I'm in front of you, man! What the fuck is wrong with you? How you didn't fucking notice my feelings?!”
You're breathing fast, hitting the pilot door several times, drawing a big dent on it. They agree with you. Everybody in the crowded yard knows about the fact that you love him, and not because you said so. But because it is obvious. Turning to the hood of the car, you grab the bat with both hands to slam it into the windshield, using all the rage running through your veins.
“Good luck catching a STD, you fucking asshole!”
Pulling back the bat, you take off the whole glass, throwing it onto the floor to jump over it repeatedly.
“I don't give a fuck about your feelings, or about your fucking love! I don't want to be your fucking friend anymore!”
The headlights explode into thousands of small pieces too with two loud roars.
“FUCK YOU, MICHAEL ARiza…” Your voice gets low as soon as you turn around again, to find him some steps away from you.
The girls turn confused too, until they see him keeping his hands in his pockets. Leti and Gabriela run away without saying a single world, in the meantime that you take off the glasses covering your eyes. Tossing down the bat, you heavily gulp. Riz takes a look at the car, before licking his lips slowly. Wanting to say something, but he can't barely breathe.
“It's not what it looks like”. You whisper terrified.
Of course, you couldn't stop being his friend if he doesn't love you back.
“Were you talking with them about what I asked you?” His voice sounds hurt, with a sorrowful gesture on his face. “I… trusted you something… personal and you told them about it?”
“I'm so—sorry, Riz, I di—”. You take a step ahead, interrupting your words, when he takes one backward.
“It's good to see that you don't care about me”.
“Don't say that. It's not true”.
“Then… why is this show about?”
Silence. You are at a crossroads. But every road leads you to lose him.
“I can't… tell you”.
Pursing his lips, he just nods. You don't even know what he has heard, but you're not going to ask him. This just could turn the situation into something worse. But he's leaving you there, alone, and you feel already as if you were dead inside.
“I love you”. You utter without thinking, but he doesn't stop his legs. “I REALLY DO!”
Nothing. You have told him these same words a lot of times, and doesn't have any value for him as you're trying to show him.
“Some… Sometimes…” Having a deep breath, you let yourself go. “SOMETIMES I HEAR YOUR VOICE NOTES WHEN I'M SAD!”
Your lungs are emptied after yelling at him. Your throat is ripped, and it stings a little, but at least he has turned around.
“Shit…” You mumble ashamed, when you see him coming back.
Swallowing your saliva, you place both hands crossed on your chest on the sides of your body, slightly raised up. Some tears falling down, seeing the confused gesture on him.
“I don't know when it happened… I just fell in love with you, Riz… I'm sorry. I tried to push… these feelings away, because I didn't want to lose you. You're my best friend. I can't imagine a day without you”. Confessing it is like taking off all the weight on your shoulders, but stabbing your heart at the same time. “I… I don't know what you have heard, but I don't… really mean that… Of course I care about you, about your feelings… I'm happy because you're happy. And I… I would never leave you just… just because you don't feel the same things I feel”.
Riz is staring at you in silence while you, practically, are putting all your shit over the table. Opening up your chest and showing him your worst fears. What gives you nightmares every single night, since Elisa came to Santo Padre. Hardly sniffing and rubbing your nose with the sleeve cuff of your hoodie, you shrug scared to death. You don't know what else you can say to make him understand why you are so angry.
“So, all those things you said in the Templo… Were you talking about me?” His tone of voice is shaking slightly, raising a hand to highlight the past. You nod.
“Since… some months ago, every time you go for a run, I write you a letter”. Confessing, you grab your phone from your pocket to show them to him, but Michael raises again his hand to stop you.
Being aware that he doesn't want to read them, literally breaks your heart. Not because of all the time you have spent on writing them, but all the things you have written on them; all your feelings, all your memories, all your fears, all the things you love about him. Hoping that, maybe, one day he would read them. Grabbing a fold of your hoodie, you put the phone inside of the pocket again, using your free hand.
“I will understand if you… pull yourself away from me. I don't… want to cause you any trouble wi—”.
“Stop talking, please”. Riz interrupts you shaking his hands raised up some inches away from his chest.
Pressing your lips, you nod in silence again, clearing the tears in your cheeks.
“Why didn't you tell me before?”
“For what, Michael? You and me, this is not gonna happen”. You reply, pointing at the distance between both with your forefingers, feeling how you break a little more. “We ain't made for each other”.
“Is that what you think? Then, why is it supposed that we're friends, if we don't complete the other?”
“Things are very different. It's not the same to be your friend than to be your… girlfriend”.
His phone starts to ring. Saved by the bell. Answering the call, he just listens, not uttering a single word. But when he hangs up, Riz takes a step ahead.
“I got to go, b—”.
“It's okay”. You whisper crossing your arms and bowing down your head for a second. “I didn't mean to hurt you. And I'm sorry for fucking up our friendship”.
“You didn't”.
“You're just saying that because I'm fucked enough tonight, but I will not blame you when you start to act differently with me”.
“Listen, we will be friends forever, no one will change that. And this… conversation it's not finished”.
“Okay”. You reply shrugging listlessly, trying to stop crying, even if you know it's going to be the last time you're going to be alone.
Watching him leave the scrapping is the most hard and painful goodbye you have ever experienced. And you want to run after him. Beg him to not push you away. Ask him to forgive you. But your legs don't receive the orders from your brain, because you know you have already lost him.
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an-sceal · 3 years
Text
That last thing I reblogged- I don't know the author or the book. But I will tell you this. A couple years ago, a book I co-wrote (with my wife) became a finalist for a LGBTQ-specific literary award. We were super excited to get the nod (even attended the award ceremony), especially for the particular book that earned it, which was a story about characters we had been playing with for over 20 years.
Timeline:
-We got the call from the awards committee telling us we finaled -We got an email from our publisher congratulating us -Several readers and other authors took to twitter to talk about how horrible it was that a bunch of "straight women" were nominated for the award -Someone went out of their way to tag me and several other authors into the convo. I had twenty fucking minutes to enjoy something that should have felt like a success, before someone went out of their way to make sure I knew that I wasn't welcome in my own community spaces.
It wasn't a discussion about problematic things in the books. It was a bunch of people saying it was bad that we were nominated, that we didn't have a right to tell those stories, that we should be ashamed for submitting the work for consideration. That we weren't queer enough to tell queer stories. Again- this had nothing to do with the story, with anything people found problematic or unrealistic about the work. This was a group of people discussing why I, as a person (a person who does actually credential myself as queer in my twitter bio, btw, even though I hate the -concept- so. fucking. much.), was not welcome to tell my own queer stories in queer spaces and be considered for queer awards.
And whatever, right? Sure, a growing group of people said they'd never buy any of my books because "straight women should shut up" (which, hi, suuuuuper not cool in its own right, but you're entitled to your opinion, whatevs) and a bunch of other shit that I've tried really hard not to remember.
My point here isn't woe is me- it's that a bunch of other people went out of their way to make sure I knew they disliked ME, they questioned MY validity and worth as a member of the LGBTQ community, and they did it because I have a public twitter profile where I interact with people as an author. (Which again, they didn't actually LOOK at.) They did it without caring how I got to where I was, how long I'd worked to be able to tell queer stories as a queer person. And if I'd defended myself at all, I would have been the problem. These people were actively taking away my space and success AS A QUEER PERSON, while pretending to act in the interest of queer people.
As someone with mental health issues that don't need exploring at this juncture, seeing people say that I PERSONALLY should be silenced, that I PERSONALLY should shut the fuck up, should stop writing, should stop PRETENDING I had the right to literally tell the stories of my own existence, it was deeply upsetting. The closest thing to a threat of physical violence (thankfully) was someone saying people needed to be slapped.
On a writing level? It fucked me up. Like a typical neurotic writer, I have scads of Imposter Syndrome, and something that felt so cruel and isolating, so exclusionary, coming out of celebrating a piece of work I made, as a queer person, with my very queer wife, telling a story that literally brought us together, was fucking -shattering-. Our next book still isn't done with edits. (There are other factors there- namely a host of physical health problems that cropped up shortly after all this.) Every time I sit down to work, in the back of my mind I remember that even though I'm out, even though I made an effort to make myself available for discussion and public consumption, I am Not Queer Enough.
And you know the best part? I wouldn't have seen any of it, if someone had not gone out of their way to tag me into the conversation.
It takes zero fucking seconds to not be an asshole.
(I very much am not posting this as a Poor Me thing. It's to share an experience, not to garner sympathy or whatever. Because I'm fucking tired of seeing this happen. You can think whatever the hell you want about my writing, you can think whatever the hell you want about ME. You can discuss it, you can dissect it, you can say I make horrible puns when I'm drunk, and worse ones when I'm sober. But you're not entitled to access to me, or any other writer, just like I'm not entitled to your time as a reader.)
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nightmaremerchant · 3 years
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okay ik this is an opinion no one asked for but now im thinking about the whole dan and phil joint branding as opposed to Dan Branding™ and Phil Branding™. also this is fully adding onto posts on @ browncesario and @ demonetisation’s blogs and i feel too awkward to tag them bc i dont wanna make anyone feel obligated to read this lol but if i repeat anything they said or their anons said its not on purpose!
but like, full disclaimer while i love dan and phil i feel like its always been kind of obvious that they were marketing their relationship to us? obv not so much anymore but like... as much as people who dont keep up w dnp like to pretend that their only awareness of us as a fanbase was creepy objectifying shippers who should feel ashamed for harassing them etc etc, they’ve always been way more tuned into their audience than i think people realize. like they’ve *known* what we’re like, and i dont even mean just the bad parts. like they *know* that a lot of their fanbase is queer and genuinely has looked up to them as queer role models long before they were out, and a lot of that hinges on us understanding they were a couple. and ik they resented it and i wasn’t really part of the fanbase until a few years ago but hearing stories of how dan would react on liveshows sometimes and the like, barely concealed resentment for the fans sometimes shows that while they definitely had issues with it (which like,,, is fair), they also knew they were kind of stuck in a rut. because if their primary source of fans are people who like seeing them together, that meant that their success as youtubers/creators/etc depended on keeping those fans right where they were.
and to be clear! i know ive never been here primarily for their relationship; i started watching them bc i thought they were funny together and had a good dynamic, which wouldve been possible even if they really were just friends. i didnt get emotionally invested in the projection part of it until later. but even so, i was always aware as a fan that they were selling to us the speculation of their relationship.
and this is def pulling from other posts ive seen today but considering the fanfic part of tatinof, the fact that they wrote fanfic in tabinof and incorporated shippy fan art into the youtube versions, giving the people what they want, even little things like the conjoined baking challenge vid.... they wanted us to stay curious about their relationship. Even if on a very real level it was literally bringing back trauma for them, there was this weird cognitive dissonance between “im angry at people for speculating about us” and “look here, dont stop speculating about us! look we’re sharing a sweater! look we’re being ~domestic~ in ditls!”
which is also why i thought the hiatus wouldnt last long tbh, like i was genuinely shocked that after the success of ii they would completely separate their brandings from each other in 2019. and i wont @ this person but someone said it best years ago when they said that joint branding had to die for dnp to come out. bc it really did; how could they keep up the speculation if we have literally almost all the puzzle pieces laid out? when they’ve primed their audience to actively hunt down these pieces (even if again, they would rather have not, esp given what they each talked about in their coming out videos), but they dont *want* us to put it all together, how could they sustainably make joint content while keeping the speculation fanbase there? bc once the speculation is over, people are gonna keep wanting more. (and disclaimer i really dont think this applies to like....anyone i follow on here tbh bc in general i feel like we’re fine w them keeping their boundaries where they are, but we’ve all seen posts like that that indicate that people *will* want more, and thats something that they’re unwilling to give and understandably so).
anyway this all goes to the main thing that brought all this on today lol, ever since 2019 they’ve been trying to cultivate their own separate branding from each other, and while i’m here for it tbh, surely they know that they’ll never escape their old joint branding. Which also means never escaping the spectre of relationship speculation. so i have mixed feelings about seeing dan act shocked that people could ever speculate about his private life once he became famous bc like 1) thats literally just what happens when you become famous, and 2) ....he and phil egged it on up to a point, and that doesnt mean it didnt upset them but it definitely feels off for dan to always be so pikachu face about having had fans that speculated about his relationship. like dan you literally wrote erotic fanfiction about you and phil, pieced together fan art illustrating it that showed you and phil in a homoerotic lens, and yet you’re *still* acting shocked and indignant that fans got invested in your relationship/the possibility of your relationship?? idk man. its confusing bc at the time i took things like that as “oh, we’re in on the joke,” but ever since 2019 they’ve made it more clear that we’re not, but we’re also not *not* in on it to an extent (looking at you, cah phan edition)
so im def still excited for dan’s book (like the subject doesnt terribly interest me tbh but i do wanna see what he does with it and read whatever highlights inevitably get posted on here), but as always w the end of regular joint content, im lowkey here for the over-analyzing about the relationship between dan, phil, their fans, and their content bc dear god we never run out of material to rant about
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nlsetsumuri · 3 years
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BNHA QUIRKS!!!
I'm organizing my notes for a character-insert story I'm writing and I felt like sharing them here!!! I think people would be interested in what I came up with.
FEEL FREE TO USE ANY OF THESE FOR YOUR OWN CHARACTERS!!
No credit needed. I made Flourish specifically with Shigaraki in mind because I know a lot of people would like to have a quirk complimentary to Decay so that Tomura can touch them safely.
and hey, self-shippers? I love you so much!! you're so awesome, pls send me some self-indulgent stuff sometime soon!!
also! Quirks that are present in my stories will be marked as IN-USE. this just means that what the quirk entails might change in the future.
FLOURISH - EMITTER (IN-USE)
touch-based quirk. complimentary to decay, rendering the user immune to decay. decay users are unaffected by flourish (cannot be healed). touching something with all five fingers heals/reverses any damage
i like the idea of decay and flourish canceling eachother out because they're complimentary quirks. shigaraki can touch you and??? you don't die?? and???? you touched shigaraki but he's not healing????? fun times
BOND - EMITTER(?) (IN-USE)
user has the ability to use a diminished version of someone's quirk if they share a strong bond with said person. Most commonly found in mutated individuals with animalistic features.
This isn't really a stand-alone quirk but more of an ability, but I still decided to include it because it has really specific requirements.
JACK OF ALL TRADES - EMITTER(?)
user can give themselves ANY quirk they desire (meaning that they can copy someone else's quirk, or create a new one entirely) this ability requires a lot of energy and while in-use, will tire the user out until the stop using the quirk or pass out. (think of it like charging your phone. eventually, the battery power will lower and you'll have to plug it in. Or you're one of those people who doesn't plug it in until it dies.) The more powerful the chosen quirk is, the longer the user will be out for. "OP" quirks like take more energy to replicate/use, and consequentially, will require a longer recovery period. Quirks like Overhaul or Decay will put the user into a comatose state. This quirk is literally just All For One Juniour Edition.
so basically like? all for one but fair. also the quirks aren't "saved" or anything, so if u want to use bakugou's explosion quirk, but ur already using tsuyu's froggy quirk to restrain something with your tongue, you'd have to stop using it and let go so you can use explosion instead.
NULLIFY - EMITTER
Touch-Based quirk. Touching someone with all five fingers will render them quirkless for 24 hours. Only works on one person at a time, and cannot be used on the same person twice in a row. Made with Shigaraki in mind.
i made this purely because i want to hold shigaraki's hand without turning into dust. also... imagine having to constantly remind yourself to keep ur pinky/middle finger off of whatever you touch. idk about you, but that's too much work for me. I'd rather just wear those gloves made for drawing tablets.
GRIM REAPER - EMITTER (IN-USE)
Touch-Based quirk. touching someone with all five fingers immediately kills them, allowing the user to harvest their soul (souls manifest as little cheeseball sized lights. they're all different colors, depending on who's soul it was.) souls can be eaten (they taste like gummi bears) whoever eats it has their body revitalized instantaneously, each and every individual cell replaced by a new and perfect copy. souls can only be captured in jars. they act like fireflies.
firefly rave... also this is literally decay but it only works on living things and also u get a snack. and a corpse. although idk i guess a corpse would count as a snack to someone. also if someone doesn't have a soul, they just die. lol
VAMPIRE - MUTANT TYPE
user is easily sunburnt, does not have a reflection, allergic to garlic (regardless of genetics) and cannot be killed unless the heart is damaged. User must drink a certain amount of blood regularly to avoid loss of inhibition (will attack nearest person to feed) and severe malnutrition, known as "bloodthirst."
honestly? this isn't really that beneficial... sunburns, no garlic bread, if you cant get enough blood you suffer and go apeshit... but I mean at least you've got circumstantial immortality.
HIGH ELF - MUTANT TYPE
user has pointed ears and is considerably taller than regular humans. naturally skilled archers, and have a strong connection to nature.
i couldn't help myself, i love DnD.
BETTA - MUTANT
fish subtype. user has fully-functional gills. The user's hair reflects the different kinds of tail types (plakat = short hair, crown tail = dreadlocs/separated strands, rose tail = long and flowy) and are naturally bright colors like red or blue. lethal close-combat skills and impressive speed. natural beauty is also a bonus
im surprised i'm not including this in my character insert story. it's my personal favorite so far. fishy!!!
WEREWOLF - TRANSFORMATION
exactly what it sounds like. full moons trigger the shift. user cannot control the shift. it's basically like periods except instead of bleeding out of your uterus, you turn into a wolf.
... yeah, i don't know what influenced this the most. the fact that i made vampires and felt obligated to also include werewolves, that i'm a furry, or that this gives me an excuse to push alpha beta omega dynamics onto bnha
GHOST RIDER - TRANSFORMATION
based on that one marvel comic series. when transformed, the user takes on the appearence of their skeletal structure engulfed in flames. the user is able to control flames and a vehicle/form of transport of their prefrence. when user establishes eye contact, the opponent will suffer the pain they have caused for others (if any.) cannot transform in direct sunlight.
i am incredibly ashamed to admit that it was only yesterday that i saw the 2007 ghost rider movie for the first time in my life. i fucking loved it. it was funny, freaky as hell, and so fucking awesome. i love ghost rider, i mean, cmon, like? that's literally what being a punk is about in a nutshell. skeletons. fire. leather jackets. metal spikes. chains. motorbikes. anti-heroes. also i really enjoyed the addition of genuine demon names. i got so excited when i recognized the name mephisopholes. the movie also gave me ACAB vibes so bonus points for that. and the little details like how johnny's fire turned blue whenever he focused on roxanne. god fuck it was a great movie i will be thinking about it for the next week or so. TL;DR THE 2007 GHOST RIDER MOVIE IS AWESOME I CANT BELIEVE I NEVER WATCHED IT. i always end up getting more attatched to the manga instead of the anime and this was no different.
P.S. lmk if you wanna know more about my character insert! i post a lot about him on my twitter account and i'm generally more active there anyways!!
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staliasjeronica · 3 years
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Riverdale S5 Ep9 Thoughts
It’s been awhile since I’ve watched Riverdale, I’m getting bored with them going back to Varchie out of literal nowhere and I’m assuming BH will soon follow because they don’t know how to write anything else even though that’s all the show needs to be good. Look how great the show was when they were finally starting to give us Barchie…. anyways thoughts under the cut so this post doesn’t clog up the tag. Also: MANIFESTING JERONICA AND BARCHIE BYE
- Honestly a lot of people are weirded out/annoyed by the alien plot but I love aliens so I’m lowkey okay with it.
- Alice this is Riverdale you really think some bad coincidence couldn’t have happened right after Polly left the phone booth?
- Veronica stop using money for no reason PLEASE. And god more VA scenes I’m so tired of it… though somehow it fits better than them being together as teens. But we’re not forgetting how he cheated on her with Betty, still loves Betty, and is mostly just going back to Veronica because it’s “comfortable”
- TABITHA AND VERONICA SCENE!! They look so good standing near one another ugh
- … if I heard the football coach say that over the intercom I’d literally think he’s a whiny piece of shit and never go to the games in spite. What the fuck was that???
- Jughead acting like he probably wouldn’t have written a story like that kid when he was in school lol okay...
- Reggie pointing at each bulldog and calling them a loser on his way out…. what the actual fuck asdfgjkl;
- Give Veronica literally anything than plots surrounding Archie and Hiram we’re so fucking TIRED
- Veronica needs Archie to talk to Reggie about this boring football bs but will make a wager with her dad that will go against everything Archie would like… please nothing about them as a couple has changed!!! IT’S SO BAD AND BORING!!!! WE DON’T WANT THEM!!!
- We really could have had teachers!Barchie and Jeronica but noooo they’d rather cater to toxic bh and va who don’t deserve to have their boring ships that ruin their characters. Why did Riverdale get stuck with the people who can’t write to save their lives?
- Cheryl and Betty finally having an actually good conversation wow-
- VA once again in bed sigh. The only thing getting me through is that Archie seems much happier with Betty muah
- Veronica stop being cute I’m trying to hate you and Archie getting back together out of nowhere
- Betty please for once in your life stop lying… I know you’re trying to protect her but if Polly really is dead it’s gonna hurt even worse now that you gave her hope
- LERMAN LOGAN AAFJDSHKHFJDFASHJKN THAT’S HIS FUCKING NAME? BRUH-
- “The story could have alluded to stuff happening at home.” “Then you should have come to us!” yes because parents who were abusing their child totally wouldn’t say anything to throw off the teacher who’s just trying to make sure their student is okay…….. why would he go to the parents first?
- #Kangs Cheryl shh we already don’t like them together please stop… anyways Swangs and Keggie when???
- Fangs really dated Kevin for 7 years, weirded out with his bf going into the woods to hook up with strangers and only now is talking about it… and they thought they’d be able to marry and have a baby together??? damn anyways SWANGS AND KEGGIE WHEN????
- But also Fangs is so right that’s why Kevin’s angry
- Adult friends BH is literally so much better than teenage co dependent toxic wannabe detectives but also if this makes them get together, also out of nowhere, I will rip out my hair
- what kind of nick name is T-Dub………… but anyways this scene was so cute
- See adult BH and VA could have been so good if they kept romance out of it since they already milked the shit out of it for four seasons (at least three too long), because them as adults, as FRIENDS feels so good to watch.
- HIRAM BENCHES REGGIE BC HE DOESN’T WANT TO LITERALLY BREAK A CHILD’S LEGS?!?!??!? This is how we get Reggie back to the “good side” and not Beggie sighhhhhhh imagine if we had good writers
- Betty’s like “…… the mothmen……. god I literally grew up to be a real detective what is this bullshit?"
- Also instead of mothmen why not just make it all about aliens by themselves
- This proves that BH is STILL not compatible after five seasons muah I guess I can deal with boring VA as long as the worst of the worst, BH, is gonna stay dead. At least VA is hot
- That edited picture of Betty and Polly I— afsdfhfasf
- Polly deserved so much better… anyways go read my Sweet Pea x Polly drabble!!! based after the time jump :)
- Kevin please if you’re gonna painfully flirt please learn a few actually good pick up lines
- Ummmm okay first of all why did that guy not say anything about Kevin calling him hot if he was straight and not into him hitting on him? Second of all, why does Kevin always get these awful plots, and lastly, what the fuck anyways can’t wait for Fangs to find out and sick the serpents on that Shane guy bc while him and Kevin aren’t together anymore, he definitely still cares about him
- Betty once again resorting to assault……. okay…… what a gross misuse of power
- Kevin feeling ashamed of him being gay because his mom once talked about him wearing husky clothes…? God everyone on this show deserves much better plots what the fuck
- Can’t wait for Betty to be suspended for this bullshit
- I don’t think the Logan’s would like Jughead of all people helping find their son but okay
- Betty is so unstable please how did she become a detective… ahhh right the writers eat from her ass lmao
- Love that Reggie gets no shit for just suddenly switching sides
- also sigh pairing up bh and va for the millionth time. It’s interesting that everyone enjoys the show much better when literally anyone else interact
- more singing…………Cheryl you’re not in high school anymore BUT it is lowkey a bop somehow though
- I know the answer is no but V never told Archie of her dumbass wager huh
- 0 to 52………………. so how is Hiram not gonna win this. We find out he cheated in some way and is disqualified or something?
- VERONICA, REGGIE, AND TABITHA HUGGING AHHH NEW OT3 FUCKKK
- Why is Hiram so mad his team has 52 points I—
- That kiss was so boring please give us Barchie and Jeronica and stop having V go back too Archie
- THEY LEFT RIVERDALE THAT QUICKLY? damn okay
- Betty feeling bad just because her mom found out she lied… like okay I know we’re supposed to want Betty on the case but she really shouldn’t be. She’s such an awful detective. She had potential in the beginning but :/
- anyways thank fucking god it’s over that felt like a million years long of boring bullshit where is Barchie and Beggie and Jeronica and Keggie and Karchie and Swangs ugh make Riverdale interesting again PLEASE I’ve never stopped watching like this, ever…
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lunanoirre · 3 years
Text
Episodes 9 and 10
(actually reviewed, no seriously I’m back—)
Ok!
I am back!
Though, I’m going to do something a little different when compared to what I’ve been doing with my other reviews of episodes.
Since I have to rewatch these two to get myself back upto speed, I’m going to jot down my thoughts, live, as I go along!
It’s something I see pretty commonly among this and many other fanbases, so I’m gonna give it a shot!
I hope my raw reactions get at least a fraction of the laughs they give me.
Episode 9:
This is a weird place to start my thoughts, but I do like how relevant the recaps are. I got used to anime, where they tend to recap entire SEASONS for no reason.
Of course it’s a single mom with only young children moving into the Winchester’s childhood house.
“The chair”.... no chair is gonna stop spirits in your closet, hunny
And of course, the chair is moving. Aaaand mom’s in the basement. Cool !!
Why did John leave a box of keepsakes in THAT HOUSE ???????????? Especially pictures, jesus christ, those are always known to have supernatural links
What the hell is that flaming mass in the closet.
Ok, how the hell did Sam match his tree drawing to the tree in the photo—
“Why would you think that?” “Uh—... I jus-Uhm-“ valid point, good job Sammy
Seeing Sam so distraught is honestly really heartbreaking.
Why did Dean say he would never go back ...? I mean, I get it, trauma, but... Dean doesn’t seem the type to avoid that kinda thing.
Did they... Teleport back to Kansas?
I love how Sam immediately destroyed Dean’s lie—
They said the little girl’s name twice, and I did not understand it either time.
Y’know, Dean looks really upset to be there, and I am not liking that.
How is this mom not suspicious of how anxious Sam and Dean were acting—
Sam is NEVER this anxious, holy shit-
“I remember the fire.... the heat.... then I carried you out the front door.” Y... yeah, you were like, what, four? Of course you don’t remember much, Dean
Why is their dad so awful .
AW..,,, DEAN?????
HE’S SO AFRAID WTF
calling John again though. ugh.
Oh. Plumbing. I remember how this went, and I still hate that cymbols monkey.
y’know, garbage disposals are not blenders.
When I watched this with my dad, he also commented that it’s common practice to UNPLUG the disposal before fishing out of it—
Of course John was a marine.
Aah!!! Miss Missouri!!! I loved her!
She is such a comforting lady, I love her VOICE
Tfw she already knows their names
I want her to be my mom. The way she talks to them is so sweet
Dean has seen enough bullshit to not doubt psychics at this point, smh
I just remembered how this episode ends.
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Oh, the ghost broke the playpen! Time to fridge the baby !
Why would the kid climb into the fridge at all though?
Thank god they brought Miss Missouri, or else this mom would not trust them ONE bit.
Throwing shade at Dean? Hell yeah.
Oh. Great, not the same demon. Cool
DEAN, DON’T TASTE THE PURIFYING HERBS.
How does no one hear the bullshit behind them???????? Opening drawers, sliding cords, dressers???
Why does everyone like to strangle Sam?
Ow. That light hurt.
“This is all over.”
And then it wasn’t.
Ooh, free earthquake simulator! Don’t even have to leave the bed!
I can’t tell if it’s “Jenny” or “Jinny”.
Ooh, creepy ass flame monster!
And then Sam was taken away.
Watching Dean bang on the door makes me feel much safer in regards to my break-in fears. That shit is LOUD
Mummy Winchester was the flame all alooooong!
These boys really do deserve better, holy shit...
Man, sad that Sam got to meet Mary for the first time as a flame spirit.
How.... did Sam obtain the powers of a medium?
Aw, Dean got the pics back
I’m... How the hell do spirits destroy themselves??? That still makes no sense
Wow. John’s such an asshole.
HE WAS IN THE TOWN AT THE SAME TIME ????????? THAT JERK! WTF.
Thank you, Miss Missouri, for saying what we’re all thinking.
“Not until I know the truth”— yeah, we get it. stop.
Episode 10:
Oh yeah, the asylum. This one isn’t that notable, I remember.
As someone who is neurodivergent, asylums in horror REALLY bug me, but I’m glad that this story turns things on its head.
Why does the anger give the possessed victims nosebleeds?
Ohhhhhh, their dad WAS in Cali.
I wish their dad was dead, instead of toying with them so damn much.
Yes, Dad wants you to work a job because he’s horrid.
I hate that Dean follows it so willingly, but I know that he’s just... looking for ways to please his dad.
Oh my god, they just pulled off a stunt to get the officer’s trust—
Why would you willingly want to explore an asylum? I just really don’t get the thrill.
I get certain “strange vibes” like Sam. But... I often mistake anxiety attacks as that sense, so it’s not that accurate.
Dean.... Dean.... Dean,,
He is in HARD denial about their dumbass dad.
I would be ASHAMED to be the son of someone who worked in an old asylum.
Sam is such a bad liar.
That was such a tease, I was hoping to hear Sam’s actual thoughts on Dean :c
As much as I adore my girlfriend, I would shit my pants if she brought me to an abandoned asylum as a “date”. Haunted house? I’d consider. Just not—.... condemned places are really, really creepy.
Here come the BOYS.
Spn’s editing really does creep me out sometimes. That spirit in the straitjacket, eughfhf...
I really do love that the asylum patients’ ghosts are peaceful. At least this show knows that none of this is their fault.
DEAN. Literally he JUST said to listen to horror movies, and then he just SPLITS UP—
Sam’s powers are kinda odd, but that’s ok.
How did Sam fall for that fake call.
And why does Sam go through the door that opened by itself? He should KNOW BETTER.
Dean calling him Sammy tho...
Good. Bad “doctor” is the villain.
Y’know, weaponizing normal, brotherly anger isn’t funny.
There’s the good little soldier line!!!
I SAW Sam’s brows crease in “wait, what?” when handed the real gun
*whispers* “Sorry, Sammy.”
Does—... Does Dean just use sea salt??
Thanks, Doc, for making a plasma ball in my mouth.
All these near-death experiences are gonna cause some REAL trauma.
Is it just me, or does Jensen have some really pretty eyelashes?
Ah, Christ, here we go—
I hate. Their dad. Already.
Ok, turns out I actually remembered more than I thought I would.
And! I actually watched episode 11. I just... forgot.
Anyway, my next post will have episode 11’s review, along with 12 and maybe 13.
I hope their dad isn’t as bad as I think he is so far...
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alpha/beta are carol/daryl foils: an analysis no one asked for; twd s10 spoilers, obviously
hoo boy. okay, so i’ve been intending to write this for days, but i had to let it marinate, and also i haven’t been sleeping and couldn’t concentrate long enough to write it down, but whatever, i digress. “we are the end of the world” was something, wasn’t it?? it is so weird to have a plotline in twd that’s like...good? and SO refreshing to have a villain who isn’t a macho, rapey, white dude. i personally believe that all showrunners should be women from now on. oh, i’m digressing again, my apologies.
here’s the actual content, under the cut bc it’s a fucking novel:
so, from alpha’s very first episode, when i saw her shaving her head, i literally thought, “oh, so she’s carol’s foil and they’re going to have an inevitable showdown, huh?” guess who was right? this bitch. but what i didn’t catch right away was how beta is also daryl’s foil, and how the main focus of this season is alpha/beta vs carol/daryl.
let’s take it apart individually first, yeah?
carol vs. alpha:
like i said, the scene that made me instantly aware of what they were setting up was when alpha shaved her head. carol’s hair was a big thing in season 9, and the fact that we had just had henry talking about carol growing her hair out long, juxtaposed with alpha shaving hers off, is what set the alarm bells off for me. i have said over and over that i don’t believe kang does anything unintentionally, and girl loves her symbolism, so those two opposing scenes was a taste of what she was setting up.
carol and alpha are both near-indestructible forces who also happen to be mother’s suffering the loss of their children at the hand of the other. (carol isn’t directly responsible for lydia, but she’s included with “the others” that took lydia from alpha, so i think alpha still sees her as part of it.)
carol and alpha both have transformed themselves to fit within the confines of the world they currently live in, while recognizing that their children weren’t meant for it, even within their own grief. let us refer to figures a and b (lol) below.
figure a:
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here in “the grove” we have creepy girl who i hate and am terrified of asking carol if sophia died because she was weak, and carol straight up is like, “yes.” she doesn’t even sugarcoat it. she accepted that her daughter wasn’t going to survive from the jump, because “there wasn’t a mean bone in her body.”
figure b:
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here we see alpha losing her goddamn shit, because she’s having a come-to-jesus moment with beta about losing lydia, because she can’t have lydia and be the alpha at the same time, because lydia “is not like” her. 
conclusion: carol and alpha both mourn for their daughters, but have accepted that to be the people they need to be in the apocalypse, their children needed to die (or in lydia’s case, be dead metaphorically). in short, carol and alpha are two sides of the same coin. they’ve both found ways to survive, except one is for the good guys, and the other is for the bad guys, and now they’re head-to-head, and it is d e l i c i o u s.
moving on.
daryl vs beta:
idk why the parallels didn’t occur to me when they had daryl fighting beta. i blame henry, he was distracting me by being a delightful idiot (rip my dumb bitch), but that seed was planted in season 9, too. go kang for continuity. who knew twd could do that? anyway.
the big thing that compares daryl and beta is who they were before they found carol and alpha respectively. we obviously don’t know a whole lot of details about beta’s life, but we have enough to extrapolate and compare, and extrapolate and compare we shall.
alright, so we got our favorite lovable, filthy redneck, who grew up abused and isolated, and then here comes the apocalypse, and the only person he has left is his brother, and that’s what defines him until he loses him, both when rick chained him to a roof, and then again, after a brief relapse, when merle sacrificed himself. 
next we have beta, who again, our info is limited, but he does not become “beta” until after whoever that walker alpha puts down is gone. judging by the size, approximate age, and the closeness beta had to him, i’m betting on, you guessed it, his brother. 
observe:
figure a:
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figure b:
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these are both turning points for these men, where they Fully Become the dudes that we know. daryl couldn’t be the daryl we know and love until merle was gone for good, and whatever his actual name is couldn’t become beta until smiley face shirt guy was smooshed. 
(side note: how fucking rank does that t-shirt have to be by now? at least the mask dries out, but do you think that t-shirt is just like, melded into beta’s skin at this point? gross.)
so time for the fun part.
alpha/beta and caryl in season 10:
season 10 finds both duos in similar circumstances, by which i mean, alpha and carol are losing their minds, and beta and daryl are like, “uhhhh, you ok?” the men are these women’s confidants, their person, the one they trust and love above all others. carol saved daryl and brought him into a community, and alpha did the same thing with beta. you want more visual aides? well, sure thing, scout!
figure a:
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we’re carylers, we already know carol’s the reason daryl has the confidence and self-esteem to become part of the group, but juxtapose this with the following pic, which i will label
figure b (again):
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and you will see that alpha sees something in beta that no one else does. she sees this lonely, talented man, who’s adrift and in solitude, and she essentially calls dibs. sound familiar? inorite?
so daryl and beta are now loyal to a fault to their women, and this season already has them being wary of how they’re acting. yes, i have more pictures. i like taking screenshots, okay?
figure a:
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one of the first scenes we get with caryl is daryl asking carol if she’s still thinking about alpha, and if she is Dwelling, which is interesting, because...
figure b:
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...that’s exactly the same thing we get with alpha and beta. the first scene in “we are the end of the world” with the two of them in present day is him questioning her motives, and then later on he’s like, “fuck, are you Dwelling?” 
and both women immediately are like:
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and neither dude knows wtf to do about this, because they’re used to the women being the strong ones. carol’s whole, “you’ve got to feel it, but not me, i’m good repressing, conceal don’t feel” thing, mixed with alpha’s, “we’re living like the dead and the dead don’t feel emotions so obviously I Am Fine” motto is what their boys are used to, but suddenly carol is hallucinating dead children, and alpha is making shrines, and our poor dudes are like, “plz stop???” esp bc they know these women are FUCKING TERRIFYING, and should never be left to their own devices if they’re being crazy crackers.
ergo, both men are clinging to the hope that they can bring the women back from the brink. my last visual aides, yes i know, how sad:
figure a:
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figure b:
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both scenes have these dudes reaching out to their women and essentially expressing, in their own way, “i’m worried about you, can you plz stay within eyesight at all times, ilu,” bc neither daryl nor beta is equipped to have a nice long sit down conversation about feelings, and obviously carol and alpha wouldn’t bother to entertain it in the first place, so like  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. they tried. 
will it work? unlikely! because after that showdown at the end of both eps 1 and 2, these bitches ain’t about to stop for nothing. they just straight up made enemies for life, and they’re going straight harry potter with this shit, neither can live while the other survives, someone has to die, and while beta and daryl are not super on board with this whole “being bonkers and bent on revenge” thing, you better bet your ass that they’re going to make sure their woman is the winner, which means they automatically are paired up against one another as well.
so in a nutshell: we could have just stuck goatees on mmb and norman reedus, cast them as alpha and beta, and called them mirror!verse caryl (star trek reference, yay/nay?), because they’re mother fucking foils setting up for the mother fucking fight of the century, and oh my god, can you feel it in your bones how exciting it is that it’s not going to be a rick + negan dick measuring contest again? i am So Hype.
and ofc, as a hardcore caryl shipper, i obviously have to throw in that alpha and beta are totally in love (which is esp fun, bc whisperers aren’t supposed to feel love, uh oh, vulcan violation, yes i made another star trek reference, bite me), and if they are paralleling caryl, well...extrapolate from the evidence.
i love kang, you guys. i love how she tells a story. i love that she knows how to tell a story. this show is good again, and idk how she did it, but damnit, she did.
thus endeth my pointless critical analysis. forgive me. i was an english major and have absolutely no other use for my degree.
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i’m ashamed too. 
that’s all. tomorrow is the early release of the caryl episode, i mean the new episode. looking forward to dying a valiant death with the lot of you. until then, friends.
deuces,
-diz
addendum: i was editing this, and was trying to think if there’s a parallel to the bracelet scene, and the only thing i could think of that alpha gives beta is his mask. she encourages him to take the face of his brother(?), and that keeps him grounded, which is interesting, bc my prediction for the bracelet is that it’s going to end up being a grounding device for carol when she’s dissociating. i don’t have a solid conclusion drawn there, but i thought i’d mention it before posting, just to plant the seed. 
k, done 4 real, bye
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sun--flowerseed · 5 years
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a/n: mel (xxlovendreamsxx) and i spent most of the night coming up with modern!au headcanons for every naruto character ever and this is by far my favorite, being that sai is a bisexual menace who hooks up with anybody that has a pulse. Also edit: Mel does not remember this but I’m posting it anyway.
...
Sasuke almost spits his day-old milk across the table when the words leave Ino’s mouth.
“I honestly can’t believe you hooked up with Sai last night,” she teases after a careful bite of her vegetable-surprise. “Another one bites the dust.”
He splutters, loudly, causing the majority of the table to direct their attention toward him. He gathers himself, and fixes them all with a nasty glare. “What?” he hisses.
They retract.
“Uh...” Sakura’s eyes narrow at Sasuke, still settling himself. He returns her look with a curious stare of his own, attempting to take another bite of his food. Finally, she laughs. “I guess it was bound to happen.”
He nearly chokes, again, causing the entire table to turn their attention to him, again. This time, his repeated question is directed toward Sakura alone. “What?”
She raises an eyebrow. “Yes, Sasuke-kun?”
“You...” he starts, trying to find the words. He drops his fork next to his plate and frowns deeply. “You kissed Sai?”
Sakura rolls her eyes. She opens her mouth to speak, to explain herself, but is cut off. 
“Yes, she has,” Sai answers for her, a smile on his face that makes Sasuke’s hands twitch into a fist. He takes a seat in the chair next to him, slamming his plate down. “And she was quite good at it, too-”
“Oh, Sai!” Sakura squeals, flushing as pink as her hair, a pretty smile on her face. 
“You’re disgusting,” he snaps, and then asks Sakura, “Why on earth would you kiss him?”
The pretty blush on Sakura’s face would make his heart beat a little quickly if the situation were any different. She bites back a smile. “I mean, well, I don’t know, he’s very charming, and uh, I was drinking, and—”
“Oh, come on!” Ino yells, rolling her eyes and swinging her hand at him. “We’ve all kissed Sai!”
Sai nods. “It’s true.”
“What the fuck does that even mean?” he spits. “You haven’t all kissed Sai.”
Ino shrugs. “I have, and so has Sakura.”
“I have,” Karin agrees. “Suigetsu has, too.”
Sasuke’s eyes narrow at his friend. “What, Suigetsu—?”
He shrugs. “I’m comfortable enough in my sexuality, dick.”
He leans back in his chair, glaring. “Tch.”
“That’s not everyone, though,” Sai says, that same smile on his face. “There’s Tenten, Hinata, Temari, and Gaara, and Naruto—”
“What the fuck, Naruto?” he nearly yells, bringing his attention to the blushing blond trying his hardest to focus on the nasty dining hall food in front of him. “You’ve kissed him, too!?”
It takes him a moment to respond, but finally he resigns with, “All right! I have, okay? IT’S UNIVERSITY, SASUKE. WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE.”
“Sai is like, a right of passage or something,” Sakura concludes.
“You can’t honestly tell me you’ve never even kissed him?” Ino says, wiggling her eyebrows.
“Fuck no,” he says, a look of disgust on his face. “Like hell I’d let that freak take my first kiss.”
The entire table goes silent.
He fixes them all with a glare that could kill. “What now?”
“Your first kiss?” Ino whispers. “Sasuke, you’ve never kissed anybody before?”
Sasuke rolls his eyes, but his cheeks are dusted the prettiest pink. “What? I’m not ashamed of that.”
“He’s just waiting for the right girl to take his flower,” Naruto chimes in, grinning.
“Shut up, idiot,” he bites.
“For the right girl, huh?” Ino asks. Immediately, her attention turns to Sakura. “I wonder who that could be.”
“I wouldn’t know,” she responds, turning just as pink as the boy across from her.
Naruto grins. “I know—”
“I said shut up, idiot,” he repeats, frowning. “I don’t want to continue talking about this.”
“You won’t have to talk at all,” Sai says, and his teasing smile has turned into an incredibly suspicious grin. “You won’t be able to when I’m kissing you.” He begins leaning in, only to be pushed out of his chair.
The table erupts into laughter. “Oh, come on, Sasuke-kun!” Sai exclaims. “I was just playing around!”
“Whatever, I’m leaving.” He grabs his empty plate, and his backpack off the ground. “Don’t wait up.”
When he’s gone, Sakura sighs loudly. “You guys are such assholes.”
Karin snickers. “Well maybe if he wasn’t so obsessed with you—“
“Bite me,” Sakura interjects with a glare, and begins to stand. “And now, because of you dicks, I have to skip my lunch and go after him.”
“Oh, boohoo,” Ino teases. “How awful, going after the love of your life—“
“Literally, shut up,” she snaps, red and pink and angry all over. “I’ll see you guys never.”
She walks away, toward Sasuke, ignoring wiggly brows and flirty waves from her best friends. Best enemies. Best frienemies. Whatever.
It takes a moment to catch up to Sasuke, barreling out of the dining hall, glaring at his phone so hard she’s sure it’s going to crack. “Can you slow down?!” she yells after him.
He scoffs, but stops. “I’m not the one moving too fast, Sakura.”
She rolls her eyes. “Why don’t you cut the stoic jerk crap,” she says. “I don’t know what’s bothering you.”
“Nothing,” he says. “Why would anything be bothering me?” he lies.
“That’s what I’m saying!” she agrees. “Why are you acting like this, then?”
“I’m not acting like anything,” he lies, again.
“You can’t be bitter because you haven’t kissed anybody,” she says, “that’s your own doing.”
“I’m not bitter—“ he says.
“Like, it’s your own fault, and—“
“I don’t care—“
“You could kiss anybody you want, anyway—“
“Can you stop—“
“Literally anybody—“
So Sasuke does.
Sakura stops, eyes wide, hands frozen, and Sasuke kisses her. Sasuke pushes his lips up against hers, sloppy and soft and Sakura doesn’t move, at all. It takes her a moment to even realize what’s happening, and when she does, she doesn’t even have time to wrap her arms around him before he’s pulling away.
He’s out of breath, he’s red as a tomato, and he asks, “Are you fucking happy? I kissed who I wanted, and now you all can’t torture me, and—“
“Oh, Sasuke.” She smiles, that turns into a giggle, that turns into roaring laughter, and then he’s more red, and frowning deeper.
He asks her, “What’s so funny? Was it bad? Not as good as fucking Sai—“
But Sakura just kisses him again, and Sasuke knows he is much, much better than Sai.
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bettydgunter90 · 4 years
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The Appraisal Institute Has Missed The Opportunity To Come Clean With Its Members
This post previously appeared in the July 10, 2020 edition of Housing Notes. I've been writing these weekly summaries on housing topics for more than five years. To subscribe for free, you can sign up here. Then you can look forward to each issue every Friday at 2pm New York Time.
Today, all (I assume) members of the Appraisal Insitute received a letter from current AI president Jeff Sherman, with whom I've met and spoken with on several occasions during his tenure and liked him and what he represented. MAI members from around the country have forwarded it to me and expressed their profound disappointment in this organization that they used to love.
Here is the consensus feedback by members who received this letter.
It just makes me sad that this is the way it is. I think many of us are a bit dumbstruck by this.
I found the letter mind-boggling and a simply attempt to fog the issue at hand. I have to assume that this was written by AI counsel because it reads like a lawyer's writing with a little softening from other parties. I will also assume this response was directed by the current CEO in an attempt to stop the viral membership backlash of the sham election process that has rattled the organization so he can continue to control who future presidents are. So I am very confused as to why Jeff signed off on this letter since its contents contradict what I have been told by past presidents, past board members, and current members. It hurt to read it.
For now, I am going to chalk this up to "fogging" so that the actual logic gets buried in the debris. This is how lawyers do this. By the way, has anyone ever considering sending the details of this action and the past ten years of self-dealing to federal prosecutors in the Northern District of Illinois? If this is how their executives run the organization, and all the perks I keep hearing about, it makes me wonder about the state of their finances. The handling of the FMC debacle comes to mind.
But I digress.
Here is my running commentary on the letter that is presented below:
This sham election maneuver has not been in place since 1991 - Ask the former president who made this happen (I have the name) under oath to get Sellers on the ladder in the first place and ruin the career of a star female nominee.
An 11 member nominating committee gets to vet candidates recommended by the membership to review and they are charged with picking the best one and then announce it. They vetted 3 this year and picked one. It's literally that simple.
The winning candidate's name was announced by the nominating committee.
And then magically...
The sham maneuver was made to get the CEO's pick inserted which should never happen.
Tell the membership right now why there is a second candidate.
I've been told repeatedly that a board member can vote for themselves in the petition process and as of today, some current board members are fighting like hell to keep any such votes hidden from membership, presumably so potential self-dealing will not be exposed.
To repeat, one person was selected by the nominating committee and two weren't. There is no disagreement on this. Why does the CEO get to pick a candidate that was not selected to run against the person who was selected?
Why are there suddenly two nominees without any transparency? This letter does not address this point at all yet it is the entire point. The rest of the letter is faux transparency. Give the membership the actual reason there are suddenly two candidates, one picked by the nominating committee and one picked by the CEO (and that CEO-blessed candidate should be ashamed of themselves).
As many as 3,000 members will get to watch the 10-minute presentations of two candidates - one vetted by the nominating committee and one hand-picked by Jim Amorin. The act of showing this on video isn't transparency at all. It's a charade. The most deceitful part of the petition process has already occurred before the camera was turned on. There is no explanation of how the second candidate was selected.
The fogging part that is most distasteful in this letter is that it is laden with process gobblygook but contains zero transparency, something the membership is demanding right now.
Here is the closing paragraph of the letter.
I now offer to you, and to each Board member, this is not about style or personality; it must be about the best interests of the Appraisal Institute. I have supreme confidence that the trust you have placed in your elected representatives will be confirmed, regardless of the person chosen.
The problem with this closing statement is this sham election process is not being done in the best interests of the membership, but rather it is being done in the best interests of the operational executives running the show.
This is truly a sad day for the Appraisal Institute. If the board does not fight for the rights of the membership and respect the selection process, then the organization as we know it is just a monarchy, largely like when it began to be a decade ago with the same cast of characters.
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from Real Estate Tips https://www.millersamuel.com/the-appraisal-institute-has-missed-the-opportunity-to-come-clean-with-its-members/
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newhologram · 7 years
Note
I want to respond in some detail but I don't have an appropriate tumblr for it anymore. First of all, Vanessa can suck it because you are very pretty, and now you conform well to normative beauty standards too. But also, it's funny because this post is like... again I have the exact reverse problem from you. So literally the exact opposite that I feel like "wow, THIS is why nobody ever understood my problem." Maybe the difference should be categorized better. (1/?)
Bullies never attacked my self-esteem, but overstimulated me and triggered meltdowns, which nobody knew were meltdowns. The bullies found this very funny. But the only advice I would get from adults was "just ignore the bullies and they'll stop when they see it doesn't affect you." Which is a) impossible if the bullying is, essentially, overstimulation; and b) that advice is meant for people like you affected by the *content* of bullying. (2/?)
The adults thought the bullying would stop if I just had more self-esteem and the bullies saw that I had none. Actually, I had a shitton of self-esteem. More than anyone else I know. The bullies weren't picking on that. There *was* no content to my bullying to bother me. It was often just screaming or repetitive nicknames being yelled over and over again. Noise, and incessantly grabbing my attention again the instant I relaxed. (3/?)
The adults poured more into my ego and didn't remove the stimulation. They probably thought the bullying would stop if I just had more self-esteem and the bullies saw that I didn't care what they thought. Actually, I had a shitton of self-esteem. More than anyone else I know. And I never DID care what they thought. (4/?)
The bullies weren't picking on me-as-a-person, not affecting my self-esteem. Ignoring the content of the bullying was meaningless because there *was* no content to my bullying to bother me. It was often just screaming or repetitive nicknames being yelled over and over again. Noise, and incessantly grabbing my attention again the instant I relaxed. (5/6)
And yeah, I developed a huge obsession with being perfect because I kept thinking that if I just acted normal enough, I would blend in so well that nobody would notice me and the bullies would forget about me. But that was a result of what the adults kept telling me. THEY did that to me, with their bad advice. The adults' advice, which I flinched from and hated so much, actually caused my unhealthy perfectionism. (6/6)
I’m sorry you went through all that. I had something similar when it came to groups of boys who would see me react to something like them tapping their pen during test taking time, and they’d just smile at me and keep tapping or do more annoying noises until I got so frustrated that I would break my pencil and just not take the test, because I literally was full of rage and couldn’t focus. I would even ask the teacher if I could take my test in the hall because they weren’t handling the noise problem, and they would laugh at me because they didn’t trust me not to cheat if I took it in the hall. 
Now, to the bit about Vanessa, thank you so much for your kind words, but please know that I’m okay now as far as self-image! You guys are so sweet, always complimenting me, but I don’t want you to feel as though you have to fight Vanessa for me and always tell me that I’m pretty. I’m well past the part of my life where I feel so ashamed that I don’t want to leave the house. I still have my insecurities and features that bug me (oh my god my nose looks so different in pics than IRL and it makes me nuts), which is natural but for the most part I just have to shrug it off because I don’t have time for it, it’s just my face, and at work and with my vlogs I can’t be afraid of anything. Vanessa has no power over my self-esteem or self-image when I’m on set or editing videos, because I’m in work mode and I gotta be ready for whatever the director asks of me. Acting and modeling and vlogging is just embarrassing ourselves on camera and I think that the parts of me that are weird-looking are what make me unique. 
Also, I think my views of what conforming to beauty standards mean might be different because of the kind of work I do—at auditions, on set, and at photoshoots, I’m the “different” one almost always. The exception being if they specifically are casting “girls with short black hair”, then the other girls will generally have the same basic look going on. But in general, I’m always surrounded by tall long haired blonde women. The lead actresses in the shows and movies I work on usually all look pretty much... the same. I hate to say that, but it’s just the same kind of girl over and over again on so many productions. Same hairstyles, same American “girl next door” look, the same kind of makeup, the same kind of dress. It gets pretty frustrating to see the same “type” as every lead actress, but I have to know that unfortunately the industry still does cater more to a specific type of viewer and so they want to have that look. Also I have to respect that they earned the role and that they are working, just like me, even if I would be really excited to see more diversity in the cast. Luckily I have worked on some cool shows with really diverse casts, but often even then, the leads still look exactly the same to me. So many times a week I see cool casting calls for roles I would LOVE to try out for and then the notes are “MUST BE 6′9″ DD BREASTS LONG HAIR!! JENNIFER LAWRENCE TYPES!!!!! SCARJO TYPES!!! ” and then, well, they don’t pick me of course because I’m not what they’re looking for! Each production is looking for a specific “look” and only rarely does a fresh new look catch their interest enough to take a chance with something different. The only times I’ve gotten a role based on fitting a type was because I matched Pauley Perrette (who co-directed me in Jenny!) and Audrey Tatou. And for Jenny they even changed the storyboards to look more like me because I was a bit different from what they were looking for. 
I’m not considered a “Hollywood” type of pretty. I’m not considered conventionally attractive by industry standards. I’m not really considered that “type”. But, even if it really limits my roles (and I’ve lost a looot of commercial roles to tall blondes, let me tell ya...), I like that I’m different because then that means I’m the android, the alien, the geek, the goth, the punk, the lesbian. I get the chance to do these cool roles.
Of course I really want to more different kinds of people in lead parts that aren’t only those types of roles, but I can only do so much as an employee (actors are employees, I think the world forgets) and just try my best to prove myself so that the producers feel they’re making a good investment by hiring me over a “safer” option of a more “familiar” looking actress. 
Some of my role models are the “weird” looking actors who get to play all kinds of cool roles. There are a few I can think of, usually more on the male actor side who get to play monsters but DAMN I would love to play a monster more than a normal girl next door love interest xD
But yeah, it’s all a bit complicated and when I say I’m weird looking I don’t want people to think I’m putting myself down. I just have to be really aware of how I’m viewed in the industry like all other actors and their agents.
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kingphysco-blog · 7 years
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✝️ Chapter VI ✝️
Man I hate rap, but if the shoe fits wear it.I’ve become a freak of nature all the kids stare at.Who walk around bumping RAW with the shit blaring, saying fuck school and dropping out like a miscarriage.I’m embarrassed, and I’m ashamed I’ve played a part in this devilish game making your common sense perish. But I ain’t taking the full blame cause most of you chumps running around here ain’t never had strict parents.All of your brain cells rotting from weed.You feeling like if you ain’t got it your life’s not as complete.You having sex with every motherfucking body you see.With a past so dark, that Satan'd jump out of his seat.But still you out in these streets, thinking you hot as can be.Without the knowledge to lead, so you just follow the sheep.Making sure your lame swag is all polished and clean.While your favourite rappers like, yeah he got it from me. You’ve been brainwashed by a fake life that you used to living.When I say the word fun, what do you envision?Probably drinking and smoking out with your crew and chilling with clueless women you try and bang, bumping new edition. Is that all you think life really is?Well if so, then you’re a fucking idiot.I honestly feel like grabbing your head and hitting it.Matter fact, you don’t even deserve a brain, GIVE ME IT.Do you even have any goals?Aside from bagging these hoes. And packing a bowl.Well let me guess, NO.You’re only in school because your parents make you go.When all you do is play beer pong and hang out with your bros.Yo, society’s got you living for a whack cause.You’re a fucking adult with no skills at all.You don’t read any books or play ball.You don’t draw, you literally do nothing at all.Still you fiend for the glamorous fruits you don’t have, cause you idolize rappers that do.And all they say is, ‘I got money and it’s stacked to the roof’.And now you think that it’s gon’ magically just happen to you? How? Your lazy ass don’t commit to labour.You pick something up, try it out, and put it down two-minutes later.Then you complain about your life cause it ain’t getting catered.Now whoever tries to call you on your bullshit’s a hater. You want to succeed you have to try.Or one day you’ll get older and regret it all cause you can’t provide.Your friends are low-lives don’t act surprised. Look, just cut the bad fruit off of the tree, make the sacrifice.Girls, stop acting like you want a guy with traits like Romeo.Bitch! That’s a fucking lie. You always talk about how every man’s fake and you can’t take it, and you want something real, shut up tramp, save it.Twice a week you put on your make-up and damn bracelets and head to the club, half naked with your ass shaking. Pulling a low-life nigga who claim he cash making.Till you let him hit and find out he works at a gas station.One of them niggas got you pregnant, and you can’t raise it.But you caused it, your actions made a fat statement. You want Romeo? Then act patient.And stop fronting, like he in the club, posting in the back waiting.It’s the club, where guys put on a new persona. After they get loaded with a few Coronas.They always shouting and wile out with habits that very few condone of.Then they look for beautiful, brainless bitches like you to bone ‘em.Then when they leave you, you cry and cry.Talking ‘bout, "Oh my god I can’t find a guy, I’ve spent so many years and I’ve tried and tried, why am I even on Earth? I should die."You want Romeo, you’re not worthy, you’re cock thirsty.You’re nasty and probably got Herpes.Sometimes the secret to find, is to stop searching.Try a new formula, cause your last one’s not working.The term ‘real nigga’ is publicly used.And I need to know what it means, cause I’m fucking confused.Are you one? For always busting your tool, with nothing to lose, or something to prove, to homies up in your crew. Is it because you selling drugs to get lootAnd brag about how done been shot and stabbed, like it's fun to be you?But your life’s a struggle right, you just hustling through.Nah, you hamster ass nigga, you just stuck in the loop. Man, why do black people got to be the only ones who can’t evolve. Cause you in the streets acting like a Neanderthal.It’s clear you can’t stand the law, you lost as an abandoned dog.And all you interested in is fighting, rapping and basketball.I can’t even fuck with you.Cause if we out in public you gon’ get caught stealing some shit and get my ass in trouble too. You’ll get old and be nothing.Living life in these streets thugging, and starting shit with anybody, mean mugging.Look at you, a real nigga, thinking your life’s cool.Girls used to turn me down for guys who were like you. Till you grabbed their heart and shoved a spear head right through. Then they regret it because it wasn’t the right move.Your real nigga talk seems bogus.A real nigga don’t brag about being real, as long as he knows it. And his future doesn’t seem hopeless.A real nigga stays out of jail, handles shit and he keeps focused.So all you rappers whose soul is out on the wrong. You inspired the issue I wrote about in this song.You go to prowl on the young. Who roam around in the slums.See this is what happens when rap is overcrowded with bums.Hope the hour is long, when I’m rolling out with your tongue.The man above is my guide, you know the power is strong. All you menacing freaks, are only in this for cheese.And the mass controlled limit was breached, FUCK Hip Hop.They only in it for cheese.And any eye witness can see, they purposely making the innocent weak.My existence on this planet’s for you, I ain’t only here to benefit me.Yo, we need to make a change while there’s still time.It is hard, and sometimes I struggle trying to reveal mine.I can guide you if you feel blind.I just need you to be willing to journey into my Ill Mind.
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