Now! Shatter the key that is telling what the world is...

Now! Put an end to the fake loop that is as good as a corpse...

We'll hope and wait for the ones who would be set free from the historical chains and follow us...

update

hi guys finally finished reading the thh manga and it's giving me more inspo, i do have the first comic draft done but also i feel a little rushed lol, so i might restart what i have posted so far (3 panels lmao) and take a bit more inspo from the mangas i think? idk. New semester started and i feel really burnt out already lol, so things will probably be slow to post

wrt that poll abt tone indicators thats going around.w ell first of all tbh i think some of the hatred for them comes from cringe culture. but second of all. some of the criticism is totally fair like there are a fuckton of tone indicators and sometimes . there really dont need to be. and the abbreviations can be confusing i try to type out ones that arent s srs or j. tho i feel like most of the newer ones were popularized on twt so itmakes sense they wouldnt be written all the way out

like i think my prolem is when theres SO many and theyre redundant. i found a carrd with a fuckton of them that im gonna comment on To entertain myself sorry

like these 3 all feel redundant .. why do u need a different tone tag for Mostly joking than Half joking ? or for a Coping joke ? just use /j or combine with with like, /neg or something to get the tone across yknow? and /ji - first of all looks like /ij (inside joke), second of all why not just use /j

and like. why half serious or mostly serious or not serious when /j or /hj exist ? why /ns when it looks so similar to /nsrs, which means the opposite ? ive been using /s since like 2015 and /srs since like 2018 so ivegot those down and dont confuse them but i see why could be for some one who hasnt used them b4, why make it more complicated?

i like /g or /gen in theory- ppl have said its confusing bc gen could be general which i get, but for ppl familiar w tone tags tend to know what it means. genq is one ive used just bc. its fun to type tbh. and i think ppl get what it means but its not really Necessary. BUt genep and genc feel unnecessary when /g and /srs exist, and /gene is just, a word. that's just a word ! 😭

ojh my god. i should do a tone indicator tier list

as you can see my adhd meds are working

/nbr is funny bc half the time when some1 says theyre not being rude they definitely are. also there's already /g /srs and /lh. /nm is either helpful or deeply confusing Bc i try to take it at face value but sometimes i see it and im like. Why would i be mad ? and i start overthinking. but thats a me problem

i like this one i use it when i complain a lot Bc i dont want ppl to think im vagueing them i just love complaining

i love these ones. tone indicators for Being Mean To Someone. dunno if its on this list but ive seen /pa and /sbh (/passive aggressive & /somebody here, respectively) which is SO funny. i dont think theyre helpful really though except /neg Bc again. these all mean very similar things !!! why not just clarify extra things with a parenthetical

THESE R ALL THE SAME TONE !!! why not jsut use one single tone indicator for this !!! or none at all and just type the word !!!

need /nfl on a shirt in the aro colors so poeple know im not fucking interested in them. that aside. 1. whywould u need this ever !!! why not use again just /j if necessary.and 2. isnt the nfl a football thing

these r similar but i do like them, i think typing out a whole word again is a better solution so u dont have to scavenge google for the meaning but i think its helpful to clarify this and isnt synonymous with /j or /s or /lh

i think these ones are almost all just from the op's discord server or w/e, i won't bash that cuz if it works for them it works, that being said i dont think This many tone indicators for these types of things r helpful outside of that specific context yknow? also, /fx is really funny

ok i wont say that typing tics dont exist bc tics can be complex and vary by situation etc so im sure they can, but is that happening That much that u need a tone tag for it ? and also like. for /unin just delete the msg or say "oops sent too early hang on" or smth.. and as for vocal stim. first of all why is it /vt ? and second of all . why ... would u need that to type out ? bc if ur vocal stimming that would be. out loud? i.e. not in a chat where youre typing ???????@????>?,//???? BAFFLING. also in what situation is /gib necessary i genuinely cant think of one

ANYWAY.

None of this is to rag on tone indicators (/genuine) i think they can be helpful + i am always being gensrs when i use them. i just think some r a little silly & a lot from longer lists are unhelpful Bc theyre supposed to make communication Easier and Clearer + haveing So many tone indicators with Different Implied Tones WITHIN the indicators !!! makes it harder imo. bc if theyre to clarify tone why should i have to fight for my life deciphering why someone went from /mj to /hj yknow.

like this is all my Opinion and imsure these r all helpful for Someone otherwise they wouldnt exist but i rly feel like the system could be condensed a bit yk.

do i have a system in mind to suggest here ? well.

(also. this whole post is /genuine, /lighthearted, /not upset, and /not passive aggressive. and a bit /silly)

15 specifics about me

Think I was tagged by two people but ahhhhhh, memory wont allow me, think it was @hotmessteaparty and @insanityofvaas

Tagging without pressure: Uh no one since I think everyone I know has done this 

I’ll be answering in the form of Jason/Admin

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope, I’m not named after anyone...not that I know of anyways / I’m named after my great grandmother 

2. When was the last time you cried?

Last night.....Wont tell specifics / Uh probably last week tbh

3. Do you have kids?

My lawyer advised me against answering this question / Nope, just a lizard baby

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Me? Sarcastic? Never! / Bitch I have a PHD in sarcasm

5. What sports do you play/have you played?

Oh god.....uh track, soccer, baseball, basketball, I was a sport fanatic! / Just track and I hated it

6. What's the first thing you notice about other people?

Usually how they carry themselves, like their confidence and such / Eyes, definitely the eyes

7. eye color?

Green / Grey

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Scary movies all day / Im a horror whore sooooo

9. Any special talents?

I can shoot shit without looking sooooo / I dunno if singing and art count but yeah

10. Where were you born?

Los Angeles, California / Newcastle, United Kingdom

11. what are your hobbies

Uhhhhh, hunting, poker, music...anything crazy and dangerous / anything that doesnt require face to face communication

12. Do you have any pets?

I have a pig named Hazel, shes like my ESA / I have a lizard baby named Tweek, and a pupper named Milly

13. How tall are you?

Shit, I’m 6′1 / I dont know, I THINK I’m 5′4?

14. Favourite subject in school?

Gym / History

15. Dream job?

I dont really have one, never thought it over / Mechanics, I’m a grease monkey at heart

It’s anniversary day!!!!!!!!!! It’s anniversary day!!!!!!! Gonna put a readmore here because its gonna be a long post.

If I’m being honest, I’m struggling to feel like celebrating today. While this year has been amazing, its also taught me that I’m not ready for a lot of things, and these last few months especially I’ve struggled to be happy with what I create.

But I don’t want that to stop me from celebrating what I’ve already accomplished, because my god, I have fucking written!

So, to start, just wanna shoutout all the friends I’ve made over the past year! Yall are amazing, awesome, incredible, showstopping---I’ve learned the wonders of online friendship, at long last.

Second, I wanna shoutout Bladies Week! This was an event week I hosted celebrating the women of beyblade, and I wanna thank everyone who participated with me! That week was... rough... but seeing other people contribute was the highlight of it, every time! If you havent checked out the bladiesweek tag to see that art, I dunno what to tell you, it’s amazing! The fact anyone else participated with me is something I cherish

Third, I wanna mention Fanfic Friday! It’s a weekly event each Friday where I draw art of other beyblade fanfics, and everyone is welcome to participate by doing the same or going and commenting on a fic! I have lots of ideas to continue with for this day, and I’ve been really enjoying it!

On that note, it’s onto the main event! Fanfic!

As of two years on ao3, I have 471,878 published words. Just so you understand, 50,000 words counts as a novella for nanowrimo, I have written a whole lot. A loooooot. It’s kinda incomprehensible to me, tbh.

I have 115 published fics total.

55 of those fics are Beyblade fics. I’m going to be honest, I probably need to create a collection for some of my shorter fics, just so people dont get the wrong impression of what I normally publish. The length of my fics has gone up the past year, by quite a lot, and there are tons of fics from this year I can shout. The Hikaru’s Adoption Agenda series was all this year, and I also have last years Mayblade that still falls in. I would like to specifically shoutout my Bladies Week submissions though, specifically Hikaru’s, Mei-Mei’s, Sophie’s, and Ren and Maru’s.

Aquario’s Cracked Fist is 3,142 words long, and Hikaru’s focus fic. Hikaru was probably the character I was most comfortable writing, and it shows in the ideas I’ll explore with her. I don’t know how to describe this fic without some spoilers, but it focuses on Hikaru’s trauma and how violence intersects with her thoughts.

When We All Fall is 6,036 words long, and it’s Mei-Mei’s focus fic. Honestly, the premise of this fic is super simple: I throw Mei-Mei off a cliff. It’s hopefully structured a bit like a shonen episode, where we focus on one hurt character having to survive alone and make their way back to the group. I really enjoyed drawing on those structures and tropes to write a story centered around Mei-Mei! 

Cetus Bouquet is 8,337 words long, and Sophie’s focus fic. This fic is about me trying to narratively write all the things I get to learn in gender studies classes. I’m just quite proud of the dynamics I wrote in this fic. Sophie is a very charismatic character to write, in a way, she has this sort of gravity and confidence that I wanna explore more.

Stolen Rivalry is 9,018 words long and the fic focused on Maru and Ren. This fic honors my brand of “why don’t I try to narrativize the sexist attitude of the show and my critique of it.” Focusing on Shogun Steel, I really tried to dig into how this show makes me feel, as a woman, and how Ren and Mau would react to the sexism Ren constantly experiences. You don’t need to read any other fic I’ve written to understand it, and it only deals with the first half of Shogun Steel (up to Ren vs Takanosuke actually, but you wont be fully pissed at the show until Ren vs Sakyo).

Beyblade is probably my main fandom at this point, and I’m very proud of so, so, so many of the works I’ve written for it. I have... a lot to say about future fanfics for this fandom, but right now, I’m going to celebrate what I’ve done.

Onto Pretty Cure, my other main fandom! I have 20 Precure fics written in total, and most of them focus on Futari Wa. I’m always happy to have a Precure fanfic idea, the reception I receive is always quite nice, but I wanna focus on my big project in that fandom right now.

Watashi Wa Pretty Cure! Seed is a Futari Wa spinoff focusing on Misumi Ryota (Nagisa’s little sibling) and is probably a fancure season at this point. It’s about Ryota becoming a Pretty Cure, discovering her gender, and having to care about life. It currently has 3 published chapters (I’m halfway through writing the fourth) at 20,909 words.

I’d just like to thank the warm reception this series has received, from the art and designs I made to the fic itself. Its really hard to get people interested in a fancure series, I think, so I’m very grateful to all the attention my series has gotten, and I hope I don’t disappoint!

I don’t have many published Madoka Magica fics, only 4, but that’s because Madoka Magica fics are some of my favorites and hardest to write. I really try to lean into stylism in these fics, and I want them to present an idea.

Once I Was Her was probably my favorite fic to write in this fandom, coming in at 3,553 words. It’s a post-rebellion Madoka focused fic dealing with the possible fallout of her tearing. I’m still so proud whenever I think of this fic, being able to actually stretch my wings as a writer always makes me feel good.

Also, quick apology to the Winx Fandom.... I’m sorry I do wanna finish Daphne’s Ascension! Someday, probably.

But, basically, I’ve really doubled down on my fanfic writing this year, and I’m so proud of a lot of the pieces I’ve put out. I’m really glad I came back to fanfic, as it gives me a new way to interact with the fandoms I’m in and contribute. I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading my fanfic, because getting to know people like my fanfic... well... it means a lot. I love getting to see that people like something I’ve done.

Thank you if you read all this self-indulgent post, art will be coming soon, I’ll try to finish up a fanfic for today, and thanks for sticking around! I’m honestly surprised any non-beyblade follower stuck around after the ask games-

Saw @thepirateandtheshieldmaiden do this and I wanted to do it too!Anyway, this was fun to do and while I wont tag anyone to do this, feel free to tag me so I can see!!

25 facts About Me

I go by Rina and/or Raki on here.

2. I am a constant poster and reblogger for the wolf twins and Danse on here. I'm obsessed with them 😅❤

3. fictional characters have kept me going and Danse and the twins literally saved me during a period of time that I struggled to find the reason to stay.

4. Ive been playing skyrim for 3 years now and still have not have been bored of it. Ive tried to get into other games but I end up missing skyrim and go back.

5. I have a hard time making friends in RL so my internet friends mean alot to me. I love to make new friends on here ❤

6. I try to stay out of fandom drama especially in the tesblr community. I've blocked most of the tesblr drama queens and am just looking to enjoy my friends and their ocs and post about mine and the twins on here.

7. Arisa and Asbjorn mean everything to me and I love to share stuff about them when the mood hits :)

8. I'm anxious as fk in rl so tumblr is my escape when im not lost in skyrim.

9. I like to write tho lately I haven't gotten the urge. I still consider myself a writer, even if its not the best.

10. I own a cute german shephard pup named Vegas. Fun fact about her is that I named her after fallout new vegas 😂

11. I'm into different sorts of music and will often listen to the same songs for hours as I play my game.

12. I have several side blogs as Ive jumped from blog to blog due to my anxiety. Rakimaiirisa is my last one tho and one I keep active.

13. 2 of my Farkas photos was featured on Divent Arts pininterest! I thought that was pretty neat tbh.

14. I'm 5'5 in rl and that's how tall I head-cannon Arisa. Vilkas in my head-cannon is 6'1 . She loves her tall nord❤

15. I'm shy so I often dont reach out first to talk to people on here but I do love to interact when people reach out to me.

16. I speed read so i sometimes miss the point of asks I get. I will try to do better at slowing down tho.

17. I'm mostly a night person so alot of times I tend to post late. I dont sleep too well tbh.

18. I love fall weather and Halloween! Cant wait for spooky time 🎃

19. Ive been on tumblr for 7 years now :)

20. I love clothes but I dont dress up. Arisa, on the other hand, I will dress up to the nines because I love the pretty clothes modderes have made.

21. I like to people watch ingame. I dunno, I am fascinated by the vanilla Ai and additional aI mods that are out there. I am currently using AI overhaul sse.

22. I find certain game voices soothing. For me, Vilkas's voice is comforting as hell. Especially when he is romanced ❤ Farkas, Asbjorn and Danse are comforting as well and I always look forward to hearing them.

23. I love skyrim and fallout art. Wish I could draw but for now Im satisfied with commissioning art of the twins and my ocs.

24. Love to listen to romance songs and think of my otps ❤

25. I can be obsessive about things (skyrim, the wolf twins, danse, my ocs, ) at times 😅

goooood morning.. 💕 mm I’m so sleepy still- gonna make myself some coffee and then hopefully my stomach doesn’t get upset with the amount of cookies I plan to eat for breakfast 😙

anywaaaays, I’m gonna be cooking a lot today because it’s almost someones birthday and like the good roommate I am I gotta cook their favorite foods~ oh but but I was catching up with bnha before I went to sleep last night (pls I swear I slept when you told me to) but then my roommate came in and.. stole my laptop? I mean I didn’t mind because I was having a mental breakdown over the recent episode,, but now I’m concerned what they did because all they said was “I need le minecraft.” and left 🥲

and I finally finished the firewatch shinkami fic- why tf is it so good??? awhkjhdiuhoina I kept getting distracted noticing the little elements in the writing but it just made it so captivating 😭

oH OH AND- I finally finished what I had left for my college projects and sooo I don’t have anything to do for the next 2 days.. unless *cough* anyone *cough* wants to do me 🥺/j

jokes aside I was crying this morning because I also finished chapter 5 of the song of achilles and we got a background check on one of the characters and I swear I could see the mommy issues shining through 😔

OK NOW IM JUST RANTING OF WHAT IVE BEEN DOING HJQSDKJKWFDKJJNKASD- I can’t get discord to open so that’s why I’m sending an ask tho 🥲

oh oh and my mind just suddenly filled with questions last night and it wont stop bothering me lol I dunno why… they’re so random tho- although I’m very curious on the one reason we know each other: how did you find my blog? It’s just a lingering question that I always wonder when someone follows me hehe- I mean,, I’m very glad you found me because holy shit— 😭 I remember how you were freaking out because I followed you back- that was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life tbh (we’ve been mutuals for well over a month ayo??)

anyways I’m gonna stop my intrusive mind from dumbing more stuff here so I don’t clog up your asks.. I hope you have a great great day, and I will send you kisses and updates of what I cook and uhh shit I do! on discord this time hehe… well unless food pics are not something you like then I’ll just spam you with random shit I do-!

mwah mwah~ ✨

Dude,, IF YOU MADE FOOD FOR MY BIRTHDAY I WOULD FUCKING CRYYY

Ohhhh my godssshfjsmck the fucking shinkami fic,, IT HAD NO RIGHT TO BE THAT GOOD- I WANT TO GET THAT GOOD AT WRITING AJJCNSNNF but like,, I was so fucking close to crying?? MultiPLE TIMES??? AND LIKE ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT WHEN DENKI WAS RUNNING TO THE TOWER,, AND I THINK IT'S SO COOL THEY ADDED ACTUAL BNHA LORE WITH THAT OTHER ASSASSIN HERO LADY AND THAT THEY COULD EXPLAIN DENKI'S LEGS DOING THAT NSKDJSBBFBDB

just-- so fucking good-

Mmmm,, we love mommy issues-- just love love love that for us~ No but like, characters with mommy issues are always too relatable to write aghh- LIKE STOP HAVING MY THOUGHTS PLEASE,, I UNDERSTAND I HAVE TRAUMA JUST LEAVE MEH ALONE

..if you couldn't tell- I had sugar-- remember that boba tea icecream I sent you a photo of in the superstore a while back? Yeah well I bought it today at Walmart and now it's almost gone,, and and I also got an ube icecream too, and Marmo hAtEs it- but I like it and I already knew that I would-- and now I wanna make an ube, vanilla milkshake aahhhh yum yum,, obviously not tonight-- maybe tomorrow if I can???

Okay okay and,, as you know my remember is full of shit so this miGHt be wRoNg- but I'm pretty sure I saw.. mmm I think a writing post first- maybe cuz it aligned with one of my tags?? Then I was like "oooh, I wonder if this person has anything else written for this character-?? Lemme seee~"

so then I would've found your master list post and I liked the vibe of it,, so then I'm pretty sure I just started scrolling through and randomly liking shit-?? I was still like a week new on tumblr so I was desperately looking for people to follow and get some more content flowing through my dash and to interest with--

Thennn, I think it was that composition you had posted that kinda embodied your anxiety that got me hooked,, cuz I kept listening to it on loop- so then I felt like I had to comment about getting it on Spotify,, since my family has a premium plan it's the place I usually get my music,, AND THEN I saw the picrew and I was just gONe cuz I fucking love making picrews and yours looked so cool and you just seemed like you'd be a fun person to talk to.. and then I shared mine with you and just kept talking and uhhh- yeah! That's what's up!! ✨✨

-also also you're birthday on twitter says it's the 28th- so I thought that was funny xD

You know the lyric from Bohemian Rhapsody I wanted to put there, right

Okay, so here's the thing. I'm leaving Tumblr for some time. I dunno for how long, days, weeks, a month or whatever. I'm tired, wasting too much time here and I need a break. I'm not going to delete my blog (this would be stupid af) or anything, I just won't be active

Hi!! I wanted to ask, in celebration of Deltarune CH. 2, do you have any updated thoughts and head canons about the game?? Like, y'know, similar to a previous ask about Kris in your Deltarune tag? Thanks!

thoughts on kris part 2 i guess???? (part 1 from ch1 here lol)

spoilers for deltarune like woah. this wont be kris focused just random thoughts on everything. thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk

not that many thoughts for this chapter tbh! EDIT LOL: this was a lie i have a lot of thoughts

-just in general i feel like the player isn't the only one controlling kris... like yes the player forced kris to do what happened in the snowgrave route but AT THE SAME TIME idk it feels like there's someone else too. just because of the terrifying voice i suppose. and also the jerky movement kris does every time they get their soul out? unless there's another reason for it... maybe getting your soul out means you walk weird lol

-BUT ALSO i feel like kris is 100% in control when they create fountains. idk it just makes sense kris would create them. to create another world, a better world, A WORLD WHERE THEIR BROTHER IS HERE PERHAPS? i do wonder why they get their soul out then though. i'm all for it sweetie! do whatever! i support you!

-(i am and will be playing deltarune with only kris' best interests in mind. i will not hurt anyone unless kris wants me to. dont worry my little meow meow im on your side! talk to me! no? okay ill stay under the sink its fine)

-speaking of asriel. SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER (starts crying) V-VACATION COLLEGE WHEN

-kris misses their brother so much it's so sad. if you make kris steal 5$ from asriel they take it "reluctantly"? talking to asriel online so often even alphys knows?? the google search?? GOING INTO ASRIEL'S GOOGLE SEARCH ROOM WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY ALREADY KNOW WHATS IN THERE? THAT ONE IS LESS OF A MISSING THING BUT IM LIKE OH MY GOD

-the city walk with susie at the end makes it clear to me that kris really values susie's friendship... kris even sits with her if you spend long enough near the lake like aaaaah ;_;

-and even in snowgrave you spend your last acts with the final boss calling for your friends like YES there's a way bigger creepy aspect to this (kris as more of a Leader who Commands and commands their subjects to come) but still :'0 (and then noelle answers oh my god noelle im so sorry for the trauma)

-berdly. listen. listen. listen. liste

-berdly sucks but [berdly hurts his arm in the battle against queen if you don't save him because he doesnt want to hurt you] [berdly realizing smg's wrong in snowgrave and immediately taking steps to save noelle] berdly is my little crumb nugget. i will protect him.

-noelle. noelle. girlboss!

-like ooooh listen. hearing about the genocide path for undertale. made me go "that is SO COOL. i HAVE to experience it myself this is great. hehehe killing time" and like no regrets. i was fully enjoying the experience knowing i was an awful person. SNOWGRAVE THOUGH. i will never try this myself its too fucked up. casually grooming your childhood friend to murder people <3 and also acting like a weird stalker towards her <3 stockholm syndrome speedrun i will get all the info i can about this but i will never do this myself

-people remarking the kris/player>noelle relationship is similar to the relationship between player>chara in genocide path is like yes. chefs kiss. don't worry we just are making you stronger and everything will be fine "you made me kill my friend? and for what?" this is fine sweetie don't worry about it!!!!!!

-like the amount of details added to snowgrave, like if you equip noelle's watch she notices later? and her battle animations change as time goes on, she gets an ice shield and stops sighing in relief after battle? oh my god? oh my god.

-(berdly is not awake.) JUST KILL ME RIGHT HERE I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT BERDLY NOT BEING AWAKE!!!!!

-also why didnt he turn into dust. so many possible reasons. is magic a thing in the normal world and perhaps no magic means no dust (theres graves). maybe he isnt dead. maybe hes braindead. maybe he'll come back. either way that boy is now in the closet big enough to put someone in

-also dess' name probably being december AND THATS WHY NOELLE LOST THE SPELLING BEE?!?!??! FUCK ME UP!!!!! JUST FUCK ME UP!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

-also so many good pixel art this chapter. too many? i didnt need pixel art of cardboard noelle falling on the statue. like thank you but please. please it hurts my game artist brain.

-the expressions in this chapter were also top notch. all the unsettling noelle expressions like (i fall over face first)

-i threw away the ball of junk (which i already tried in ch1) and this time the game was like "ARE YOU SURE BC THIS IS A BAD IDEA" and kris felt bitter :'( (it deletes all your items in the dark world)

-i uh fucked up and skipped the susie+noelle scene bc listen last time ralsei mentionned seeing what susie is doing we missed some PRIMO LORE. turns out it just makes you skip the scene and you dont get anything new. welp

-speaking of ralsei well you know. he exists. but im stuck on him going "i just wonder what being ralsei-like even is...?" ralsei my dude there's so much i could say about this. do you feel like you can't be ralsei-like because you feel like you have to be asriel-like

-but also that makes no sense bc susie hasnt even mentioned ralsei looks like asriel. and i cant imagine asriel being so meek. so WHAT GIVES

-ralsei as kris’ “i wish i was a monster just like my bro and family and i’d look like asriel but with red horns [THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME] and my name would be something cool like ralsei instead of a boring human name like kris and im sweet and cute because thats how i act with asriel because ASRIEL MADE ME” theory because that would be cute.

-ASRIEL GOING TO THE CHURCH TO CONFESS HIS "SINS" WHEN "SINS" AREN'T A THING IN THE ANGEL BELIEF LIKE I KNOW THIS INTERACTION WAS TREATED AS A JOKE BUT WHAT THE FUCK ASRIEL?

-kris definitely has a connection with the big red door in the city, judging by what the kids say they probably went there... i feel like this place's dark world will be the Final Dungeon you KNOW some shit happened there. also the sounds you hear when you go there is the phone dark world call's sound slowed down? AND AFTER SNOWGRAVE APPARENTLY YOU CANT HEAR IT ANYMORE? HUWAH?

-speaking of songs the songs were all so good, My Castle Town rules, the berdly snowgrave music is stuck in my head, flashback is uwah wuahah, Until Next Time is so good, AND ALSO A FRIEND NOTICED THE DARK WORLD CITY THEME IS JUST tHE SONG 74 (MOST NOTICEABLE WITH THE SNOWGRAVE VERSION)?????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? it might be just "hey its just reuse" BUT MR FOX YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA READ INTO THIS IS NOELLE THE ONE SINGING IDK BRO!!!!!!!!!!

-asgore dreemurr fired from the force what happun!!!!! game theory is that asgore is related to dess' death/disappearance but eh who knows

-you start the chapter at lvl2 and get to lvl3 after the final boss, a friend mentioned this is probably because we destroyed a world and im :0

-to go back to kris it's still so interesting to figure out who they are based on how they act/people mention them. like kris shaking the ferris wheel car? yeah makes sense i can imagine a pranking kid do this. kris' dance? yeah thats a little silly but i can buy it. doing cool anime poses? well i dunno this doesnt line up PERFECTLY but sure. BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN SNOWGRAVE... especially >proceed like that is such a weird thing that i can't imagine them doing, but i can't completely see the "player" doing either (compare with going to sans -which kris doesnt know- and going "SANS!" because of course the player would know sans), like THATS one of the reasons i feel like there's someone else in there. the weird robotic merciless actions. if im going super meta it feels like there'd be someone else like writing the choices into existence for us to pick you know? gaster probably? god i need to read more gaster theories i completely sidestepped the gaster shit bc i wasnt interested. anyway just spitballing

-(looks at big shot guy) please dont make him the next tumblr guy i beg you

-obligatory "queen was great" mention if only because this part made me laugh a little bit too hard

that was a lot. thank you for letting me talk

The discord server encouraged me to send an ask and share my trauma so here I am. This fic is a bit different from the usual tho and I think it genuinely traumatized me. It had perfect characterisation and psychology, it was wholly from the victim's pov, and it had a catharsis at the end, but hooo do I have flashbacks. So to not out the fandom and ship, A = victim, B = kidnapper. 

Starts with A naked and bound to a ceiling, barely able to stand. B comes in with a riding crop, whips A practically to death. And the thing is - A is super sarcastic and tries to withstand but it goes for so long he starts breaking and crying and outright begging. They also knew each other before. If I remember correctly B is both in sadistic glee and reassuring A somehow? Bottom line, he's obsessed with A. He was supposed to test A for some experiments for his evil superiors but fakes A's death so he can take him and basically lock him in a basement, put some healing stuff on A, which hurt like all hell, and when the skin's barely healed, proceeds to rape A. And A is obviously terrified, but he barely escaped death, barely healed and can't do anything. It. Was. HORRIFYING. 

Then the fic truly starts. And its so fucked up, omg. 

B's obviously obsessed and "in love" with A, he wants A on his side, in love with him. He puts A into a strongly fucked up BDSM type of kidnapper-kidnapee relationship, rapes A but acting as if they're lovers. B's frustrated that A hates him and doesn't love him back. There's one time early on when A notices the doors are not locked so he tries to escape but of course B is waiting for it. And punishes A, and it's… fuck. Dunno if its then or later, but I think here, B puts A bound on his knees and prob blindfolded into a tub, and keeps him there for days. Until A apologizes I think? Takes care of him otherwise, like with food and cleaning him, but leaves him there. So from now on escaping is obv not an option so A tries to hold on until his friends find him, playing into the game, kinda acting into B's want for it to be a relationship. Y'know, they watch movies, B brings him food, sex, obv.

There are two more things I remember vividly and one that just kinda makes me want to cry and comes in flashbacks. Its on the basis of - when in such a traumatic prolonged situation the brain starts to adapt so at some point A starts accepting the gestures and what not, cause he has to survive long enough, and they're like taking a bath one day and obv it turns into sex but A takes charge this time, riding B and feeling both good bcs the sex is nice and horrible with himself that he's enjoying it, perfectly aware that he's still being raped. It's just… so fucked up. And so beautifully, heart-wrenchingly well written. Ngl, cried typing this.

Then comes sort of breaking point when B tells A that his friends won't come for him, that they think he's dead or left town completely, and A snaps. He basically forces B down and rapes him instead. And then feels HORRIBLE about it, genuinely horrified with himself. And then of course it turns out B Allowed it (he's much much stronger) bcs he wants A on his side, go dark, etc. And this is where A loses hope if I remember correctly, turns catatonic, which B is first worried, then frustrated, and then either punishes him for that or for smth else, can't remember. But he puts A into the tub again. He's left there for like three days I think? And B doesn't come back this time.

It's actually where his friends find him and damn, this part. When they're carrying him out A gets a panic attack and tries to go back bcs B will Punish Him if he sees he left the basement and he can't take it and I think that just ripped my heart straight outta my chest. Crying again. 

They take A to the hospital, watch over him, etc, someone gives him a knife, and of course one day when they leave him for 5 minutes B comes back. And its another fucked up scene, A getting upset about being left behind altho he knows he shouldn't. Now he has to go with B bcs B's clearly gone tots crazy and unhinged. B was a sadist and obv crazy, but its like manic now. So A goes, he has the knife in his hoodie, they arrive at the car in the woods, A left a bleeding trail I think. At this point A cant let himself be taken or he wont be found again so he stalls and gets raped again, horribly and painfully (it was painful a lot of the time esp at the beginning) but when B's done and distracted A kills him with the knife. It's again heart-wrenching and so, like, reastically written? Like A's not elated or anything just empty and relieved if I remember correctly. It ends with someone interviewing A about the whole thing and self-defense and all, they clear him and then there's a welcome home party for him some time after. Ends on a hopeful note but A aware of how he wont ever be the same and the catharsis was there but damn. THE PAIN. This fic haunts me. 

And again it was beautifully amazingly well written. I think it wouldn't be even 1% as traumatising if it wasn't so heart-wrenching. It was tagged and all, I clicked on it in the mood of wanting to read smth dark, but tbh I couldn't have predicted exactly what I was getting into. I prob wouldn't have read it otherwise. This ask can't transfer the sheer emotion I got from this fic but I think I needed to share it somewhere somehow. So. Yeah. 

This is more sad than cursed 4/10 :( sorry u got in too deep

danny phantom season 2, episode 17-20 thoughts! finishing up season two! the finale is the THIRD 2-PARTER OF SEASON 2. that's so many! I wonder how many season 3 will have?

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-UERGH WHY DOES VLAD HAVE AN AI WITH MADDIE'S FACE ON IT. SOOO CREEPY. AND MORE 'CREATIONS' waiiiit. vlad is Dr. Frankenstein! (despite his ghost design obviously referencing vampires) HE HAS 'CREATIONS' HE MAKES THEN WONT TAKE REAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR!!! this bitch.

-danny was late and his friends immediately start going off about how hes inconsiderate, and has been treating them like sidekicks??? he just overslept, my god. chill. even if he has, be nicer about talking about it with him?? he really can't help that he sometimes has to chase the ghosts, or has a secret identity to protect...

-'what kind of ghost haunts a miniature golf course' umm. me as a ghost. next question

-imagine going home and theres a tiny child on your bed claiming to be your cousin. with as many cousins I have, I would probably believe her. but the 'ran away from home' BIT....SHES 12?? SHES SO TINY. I hate that they have her belly out in her ghost form, but I like how her colors are asymmetrical. something about her design...maybe the proportions?? are weird to me...anyway danny was good to feed her, but he shouldve taken her to his parents FIRST. or, tbh, probably jazz. (JAZZ DIDNT EVEN GET TO MEET HER!!! NOOO. I mean she said she'll be BACK BUT STILL)

-ANYWAY. shes voiced by AnnaSophia Robb, the girl who was in because of winn dixie, played as violet from charlie and the chocolate factory, and was the girl from bridge to terrabithia. (the movie that made me cry hysterically when I was 12 and I never watched it again because it Broke Me!) thats super cool.

-vlad sucks: the episode, basically. what's new!! I love how he's like, I'm Not A Villain. *immediately cuts to him torturing danny to make him transform, to get mid-transformation DNA, to perfect a Clone.* *immediately shows that he doesnt give a shit about his new daughter Dani and just wants a ''more perfect clone'' and will put her in danger to get that. will let her DIE to get that*

-Dani is danny's clone and is a girl? transgenderism....one of them has to be trans. or they both are.

-dani just. leaving at the end. WHAT? SHES 12. DONT JUST. NO!!! SHE WAS PROBABLY JUST BORN, A MONTH AGO AT MOST, RIGHT?? SHE NEEDS...SOMEWHERE TO LIVE. MONEY? FOOD?? A FAMILY?? AN EDUCATION???! WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S LEAVING!!! OKAY BYE I GUESS!!! D: concern!!!

-the next ep opens with skulker chasing a ghost down. ...does skulker count as a ghost hunter in the way valerie and danny do? I mean, sure, he hunts the good guys too, but he. he hunts ghosts...also, we haven't seen his Real Form since his debut episode! tiny...

-the guys in white are back! ngl, I assumed they were a gag for that one episode. you're telling me they might actually be a threat? ok.

-valerie in her lil nasty burger uniform looks so cute!! glad shes not in that mascot uniform this time. I guess she stopped hiding that she's working there now?

-gregor having white hair, dressed in black and white...and green eyes...sam has a Type, I guess.

-danny being unnecessarily hostile about gregor. danny!!! hes been nice so far. he looks a little...tall to be 14, but. danny doesnt know anything about him! (he does Suspect, but...you cant just spy on people and be rude to them from a hunch.) also, gregor kissed her, and when she freaked out, he was like 'oh no!! sorry, we can take it slow! I understand!' which was NICE. I hate jealousy plots still tho.

-altho. umm. tucker, being concerned about danny spying on them??? SAM AND YOU WERE SPYING ON DANNY AND VALERIE A FEW EPISODES AGO!!!!! im not saying its RIGHT, but dont be a hypocrite!!! AND THEN SAM BEING MAD ABOUT IT, TOO.

-DANNY IS A 7 ON THE SCALE OF ECTOPLASMIC POWER!!! out of 10? so I want to know where the other ghosts rank...I mean it's a list from the guys in white, so, it may not even be accurate, like, they havent seen ALL of his powers, have they?

-Lancer being like 'im not cooperating with the FEDS' until they said they could access his tax records. they already did that joke with jack, but like, its still funny. kings of tax evasion.

-tucker's aggressive third-wheeling. but gregor being super into it. gregor/tucker is the real ship here. then gregor kissing danny on both cheeks after hugging him. bi poly king gregor. (he does turn out to be a liar with a phoney accent. unsurprising, BUT THE CONCEPT OF HIM BEING GENUINE AND THEM ALL DATING IS FUN)

-THE...GUYS IN WHITE THINKING GREGOR IS DANNY PHANTOM. LMAOOO. GET HIS ASS. or,, Elliot. lmfao

-sam saying tucker is part of the package because theyre friends was super sweet <3 but also 'part of the package'...polyships are obviously the solution to these dumb jealousy/love triangle plots.

-danny crashed a whole plane. the collateral damage...

-is he....

-you know....

.... (ITS NOT GAY IF YOU'RE DOING IT TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT, AND LIE TO A GIRL. RIGHT? he was getting a little too into pretending to enjoy tucker's company, and the above...c'mon, guy.)

-lmao, freakshow is in actual prison. I didn't expect a follow up, or for him to show back up! in the finale of this season, too!

-THE SICK TATTOO GHOST IS NAMED LYDIA!!! more Lore On her. freakshow seemed genuinely concerned about her. also, is she mute? I don't think she talked the first time we saw her, either. and we didn't know freakshow 'envied' ghosts, either, the first time, we just knew he was controlling them. interesting!

-...they literally stole the infinity gauntlet from marvel and called it the reality gauntlet. is that legal. what the fuck. even with the gems in the lil slots, having different powers...they had freakshow in jail, but didnt check his pockets??! hes just still in his lil outfit??? what kind of ...oh, its in amity park. yeah, all of the adults are idiots, okay, sure.

-'freakshow!' 'in the anemic flesh!' dude take some iron pills then. also, sure, the red eyes could be contacts for his aesthetic, but the whites of his eyes are yellow! does he have jaundice?! he severely needs more...like, every kind of vitamin. (this is what im worried about as freakshow attacks danny with giant robots)

-again, goth circus is a sick theme, and I love his goth train.

-oh FUCK every single person saw danny transform. on a stage. including his parents via TV. oh god. the guys in white and immediately like 'youre coming in for experiments!' SCARY. at least the crowd is willing to help him to escape...perks of now being a local celeb! even the kids at school are accepting :) this is what, the third time his family has found out? its always been an alt timeline tho. and danny fully intending to just rewrite things again instead of...I dunno, trying to roll with it this time? hes really worried his family won't accept him, huh...

-'maybe our son IS THE GHOST BOY, but its not as if our family's ghostly activities have EVER PUT YOUR FAMILIES IN DANGER' maddie. mmmmmmmmmmmm. okay.

-danny 100% prepared to run away from home because of this :( oh :( and saying his parents are 'looking for him, or a scalpel to dissect him with' ouch...

-THE GUYS IN WHITE TRYING TO ARREST A 14 YEAR OLD. fuck da feds.

-side note (another one about voice actors...) freakshow's voice actor, Jon Cryer, was lex luthor in pretty much every DC tv show, which is why I recognized his voice, because my dad loves those shows so I've seen a good bit of them without seeking them out...)

-the old man saying 'hey, i still had minutes left!' and danny saying 'you gotta watch those roaming charges!' about danny destroying the people in the diner's phones so no one could report seeing him...would kids today understand these things. can you even BUY minutes anymore...I remember my first phone being a flip phone, and the fact I always had minutes when my sister ran out super fast, because I didnt have friends calling or texting me like she did...:/

-the fentons being genuinely like 'why didnt danny trust us and tell us this, we love him :(' and JAZZ LAYING INTO THEM WITH THE 'DISSECTION/MOLECULE BY MOLECULE' LINES. LITERALLLLY. they need to apologize

-technically, lydias stronger than you! -jazz lesbianism moments! when did you even learn her name!!! but also get freakshows ass. lydia is also cooler looking. looove her design sm still.

-jazz psychoanalyzing freakshow... (also, her also having ghost envy? au where jazz is a ghost!! id like to see it)

-im glad the kids still got to go to their respective vacation things, even if they cant really stick around and enjoy them much...

-furry: confirmed. (also tucker calling her hot. tucker is a furry confirmed)

-danny being mad someone at the comic con is selling comics of him without permission, lmfao. give him his royalties!

-freakshow > thanos because hes a drama clown and does use his gauntlet to be FLASHY AND DRAMATIC.

-jazz's 'USE PYSCOLOGY' to danny about freakshow LMAOO. AND THEN IT WORKING. but, oh, freakshow's ghost form sucks. I like him as a clown better tbh. good thing danny took away his ghost powers!

-his parents hugging him and saying theyre proud :"( and saying 'of course you lied to us, we never gave you a reason not to!' and saying they were in the wrong basically for always talking about hurting ghosts aaaa :""(

-then he WIPED THEIR MEMORIES AGAIN!!! FUCK. I can understand him wiping the goverments/student bodies' memories, but why his parents?? they were being accepting!! ARGHHH. season 3 couldve been them all trying to adjust to them knowing!

-I know, on a meta level the showrunners probably wanted to just reset things to the status quo of him having a secret identity. But. We've been doing that for (2) seasons, I'd love if season 3 could be like, his parents adjusting to this and trying way harder to learn more and accept it (and the shenanigans that could come from that) and for fun, if he didn't wipe the students memories, it could be him being popular for a while, then everyone slowly realizing, oh, he's still Danny. Like. he might have ghost powers but hes Just The Same Guy instead of putting him on a pedestal (and seeing them all try and help him hide it from the giw/people who don't know!!)

-fuck they didn't even explain WHY he wiped everyone except sam, tucker and jazz's memories. he just Did It right when his parents were saying they loved/accepted him!! and sam and tucker didnt question it at all!!! HELLO??? very annoyed about this turn of events.

-anyway. onto season 3! I know its shorter than the first two seasons, and is the last season... I might just do it in 2 bursts if I can... :3c depends on the episodes' content and how much I want to say about each!

^^ thank you to the person who sent me this msg btw 🥺❤️ genuinely appreciate it (and dw, this didn't sound like a lecture at all, it just sounded like empathy, which I appreciated <3)

But also just wanna take a second to clarify a few things:

Basically, a few days ago, i saw some post, got a bit ~cheesed off~ and decided i was just. fuckin. through. with you beatle bitches.

And so then i logged off for a few days, just to think things through and take a break - and the conclusion ive come to is that im not gonna quit Tumblr, but I just dont wanna be apart of the fandom anymore. My page probably isn't gonna look any different, its just my experience in navigating this account is gonna be different. So essentially, its probably only gonna affect me. Its mostly just gonna be me keeping off the tags and stuff like that - my posts will still be basically the same tho.

Largely for me, its the mcl*nnon community, which btw doesn’t account for every single person in that community; believe whatever you believe about J&P because its basically besides the point here - theres just a few layers of, I dont know, ideologies maybe? that ive really grown to resent about a lot of people within the fandom. And ill explain that in more detail another time, because i just feel like i have to get it all off my chest y'know, but for now ill just leave it at that.

But its also just largely on a personal level, where i dont feel like people like me in this online community - and thats really not me trying to call people to my inbox to say “omg no i luv u!!!” - cause like, id appreciate the sentiment, but it wont change anything, cause its my own issue. Like me saying “nobody likes me” isn’t self-pity or a cry for help, its more-so just acknowledging that thats how i feel. And plus, I don’t feel like nobody likes me, cause theres people on this site who i would genuinely consider myself friends with, and who i think do actually like talking to me. But its really just that I don’t feel like most of the fandom like me, and tbh, ive realised that thats fine. There was a time where it bothered me, but now that ive decided that im just not gonna be apart of the actual “fandom” anymore, I dunno, i just feel a lot more liberated and theres a lot less pressure, and this is genuinely just my account now.

And to be completely honest, I could create a persona thats more likeable - but I just think, whats the point? Like I dont want to just write up whatever people want to hear, just to get some extra notes. It doesn't matter in the end. I just wanna post whatever I wanna post - if you like my opinions and personality and what-have-you, then thats groovy :) if you dont, then thats fine as well. I genuinely just do not care anymore, and thats a very nice feeling.

Also, on another note, ive unfollowed virtually everyone (i think i was following around 1300 accounts before, now im following about 150? - so if you see me following you in the next month or so, and you think “huh thats strange” then like, dw, its not personal i was just unfollowing everyone without putting any thought into it cause Too Many Accounts so I just clicked UNFOLLOW for basically everyone).

so TLDR - im in my "get back to where you once belonged" era

idk if you want any reassurance, maybe you dont in which case im sorry, but youre one of the blogs i respect the most on this website tbh. i wish people knew how to respond to opinions they dont agree with maturely like a normal person :/ i hope you feel better soon :(

i dont mind whether people respond or not as long as its not through an rb, and i appreciate it. it just. it wouldnt matter as much to me if they were all my age, i guess? because then itd feel more like im just dealing with my peers, i know how to deal with other teenagers, ive been to school. but, ive checked ages, yeah? and its like. people in their 20s. im not good at guessing ages, but even with the ones who dont have them public it feels like theyre adults, and i dont know. i havent even been 16 for more than a month yet, it feels so gross to me that adults are talking about me Like That because i spoke up abt something that made me uncomfortable. it feels like instead of actually trying to engage with me, theyre just.. trying to One Up me.

i really did try to talk within what i know of the streamers boundaries (and so far, even through all of this all we have is, phils confirmation that he doesnt mind hcs, but again i have complicated feelings on that clip and how the dono was worded that i doubt i could properly articulate in a way that wont add fuel to the fire), i tried to make it clear that i know not everyone who does qpr art was just trying to get away with romantic art and slapping a "not a ship" disclaimer, i tried to articulate that i dont see queerplatonic as equalling platonic, tried to talk about how i just wanted to be respectful towards the ccs and how i dont think anyone who does qpr stuff w them is a bad person, tried to explain my reasonings, tried to explain using my experiences, used examples, established over and over that this was just a personal problem that i wouldnt have elsewhere, etc etc.

and then most of the responses from people who disagreed just felt.. condescending. and i cant even say that i just felt like they were accusatory because thats just fact that they were accusatory. then the whole talking about me thing is just.. disturbing. i get vaguing like, an opinion shared by a group of people, ive done it, obviously. but theres that, and then theres. vaguing someone specific. and stumbling across people vaguing specifically me, getting confirmation that some might not even be giving the courtesy of being vague, sometimes even seeing it because its in the tags of a post i might agree with.. i just wish those people had any sort of sympathy for how that effects people. and it sucks that they managed to vague some paranoid kid with delusions because like, shit dude. theyre making my fears real, yknow? ive been scared my whole life that people hated me, were talking about me. sucks to see i was right.

im gonna inevitably have my ups and downs, but. i dunno, i just hope itll be over by the end of this month. i can barely deal with it now when im at home and have all the time in the world to distract myself with stuff that makes me happy, i dont want to find out whatll happen if this stays a constant when im stuck in school and all i have to distract myself is work and my bigoted ass peers who probably havent even heard the word aromantic in a serious context once in their life. cant believe im starting to wish for summer to be over, but if it means getting out of this hell then shit, september cant come any damn quicker

👀 and 😈, pretty please? ❤️

👀 Do you have any WIPs that you would never let see the light of day? If yes, what are they about?

Oh yes I have two I can think of off the top of my head. But one of them involves an oc of mine who I don't think people would enjoy for a variety of reasons. I have a things written out with her and Din. And a bunch of lore based around her as well (I literally designed an entirely new species for her and her people lol). I might briefly mention her in my fic for my oc Ann (because I have it that they know each other), but other then that I don't think her fics will ever see the light of day. I dunno I just think people would pick her apart and consider her a mary sue and stuff. I usually don't care about that stuff, but I've put so much work into her and she was my first sw oc that tbh if anyone said anything bad about her I'd probably get super upset lol I dunno, maybe after the Ann and boba fics I might share hers. For now I dont think shes ever gonna see the light of day lol

Also the second one is my very first smut I've ever written. I've never shared it with anyone and its very self indulgent. I just wanted some really soft and emotional smut with din so I kinda just wrote it for myself. Probably wont see the light of day either.

Otherwise most of my wips I plan on sharing, its just a question of will I ever finishing writing them.

😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?

I like writing soft and cheesy things. Like I know some of lines or dialogue I write is so cheesy. But I love. I love cheesy and cringy fluff like that. It makes me super happy and giggly sometimes tbh, but I always wonder if the readers like that stuff. lol

Also recently on tiktok my fyp has been filled with fanfic readers saying they dont like short fics and dont like a certain writing style which just so happens to be similar to mine and Im like ;-; Like all the examples they use for the writing is stuff that could be found in my fics and im just like hsdhbfjsjhdbf should I not be describing how "his brown eyes had held a softness to them that was only reserved for you"??? or "Your heart had fluttered at the sight of his gentle smile. His gaze now holding a feeling of hope and longing within its depth"??? Like?? Do people hate that?? Do people really feel disconnected when they read that? Because like I love reading stuff like that because it helps me immerse myself. But these tiktoks all talk about how they hate it. So now I wonder if my readers hate it and im just like sdhjbfbhjsdfj

Mind you half these tiktoks have wattpad in their tags so I dunno if theyre just like wattpad readers or something and theyre not used to that stuff, but I thought writing like that to try to convey a characters possible thoughts or feelings without revealing too much was normal??? Like I never considered that too descriptive?? also like they mention how they hate when long fics dont have smut and im just like sdhbfhbjsdfjh maybe I ended up ont he wrong side of fanfic tikok

Anyway Im not gonna stop because I like how I write most of the time soooo

Fanfic Ask Game

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

Ok now that I’m back at home and, for some reason, wired instead of immediately crashing even though it is coming up on 4am... the whole trip was just amazing. Thanks @unfolded73 @high-seas-swan for being the ultimate Chicago concert buddies and helping me push my way through a ridiculously long but very fun and fulfilling day, it was an absolute pleasure hangin’ with y’all!! Also wonderful wonderful time meeting and chatting with @popfly (tumblr wont let me tag you but you get it) @schittyliving @ships-to-sail & distractivate as we spent a good deal of time outside in the cold squeezed behind the Guardrail of Discomfort just anxiously awaiting the stompy feets, as well as the lovely @holmesapothecary after the show!! A pretty rad group of humans tbh

I had plans to try and sketch Noah but I failed to consider two things: 1, I have never attempted to draw a moving target; 2, it’s, uh, kinda fuckin dark and I could barely see what I was doing. But I will be doing some concert Noah art, for sure. I also did not plan to spend a lot of time taking video but I dunno, in the moment I felt compelled to and may have possibly ended up filming nearly forty goddamn minutes of his show... but I regret nothing. Anyway, I will slowly but surely make those available as long as my internet cooperates 👍