#do people censor that word here? bc it just gets lost in other posts?? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

juneviews · 5 months

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I’m so glad you summoned us to your ask box bc I agree that watching cooking crush is so lonely. I am constantly lurking in the tag and its so depressing compared to the energy ‘not me’ got every sunday. I am so happy that offgun are doing a romcom. I know that you like angsty offgun but I desperately needed an offgun show that is lighthearted and cc is serving. Gun is shining in this show and I love that he lives with his grandma and sister. I have always found that Gun bounces off of actresses really well, especially older women, and he makes dynamics with them seem really natural and comforting. And holy moly is Off Jumpol blessing my eyeballs. I find myself swooning every time he comes on screen and this character feels so soft. I love how gentle Ten is with Prem. The way he quietly accepted that Prem was willing to teach him despite Prem screwing with him earlier in the episode. And then reassuring Prem that he is a good cook. Ugh I am so living for this dynamic and can’t wait to see what offgun do with it further.

But gmmtv and I will have words about them not releasing the full versions on youtube. Like what more can they do to inhibit offgun?

yeah to be fair I never expected the fandom experience for cc to be anywhere near not me bc that kind of collective watching experience can never be matched, but I'm glad many people have taken up my open call to discuss cooking crush lol bc it was getting lonely!

honestly, while I do love my angst & deeper topics, I've been glad that cooking crush is a silly romcom since the first trailer dropped. as I said in my gmmtv 2022 reaction video, I think we do need a breather after how intense & life-changing not me was, and also offgun are just SO GOOD at romcoms bruh, it's the perfect genre for them (even though they've slayed every genre they've been in too!) also I have this theory that cooking crush was chosen for offgun specifically to bring them back to their "bankable" image that they lost due to not me being too political & half of the entertainment kinda blacklisting them, which while not me being censored is bullshit, I am glad that it's not gonna affect offgun's careers long term & they're now back to getting more events & ads together!

you're so right about gun bouncing off actresses & especially older ones very well, I 100% agree! prem's ama is my fave I love her, she's such a good supportive force in prem's life :))) as for ten being super gentle & soft, YES!!! I was told before the show aired that novel!ten is like the softest man in existence, yet off still managed to exceed my expectations! especially after sean who was his roughest character to date hahaha! ten just feels like a big teddy bear, every time he appears on screen I wanna squish his cheeks 🥺 ten is really as forgiving as sean was hahaha, whoops I think I found another favorite character! the tenprem dynamic is literal perfection, though. they match each other so well I think I might pass away once they get together 😭

gmmtv is so fucking weird, like they still stand behind offgun & give them shows & fanmeets, etc. but at the same time they often do a terrible job promoting them. here what upsets me the most is that gmmtv actually was promoting cooking crush pretty damn well, but they set up cooking crush with their contract with wetv. it's nice that wetv seems to have given cc a lot of funds, which is why it was their headlining thai show of the year at their event in september, but I think in exchange they refused to have gmmtv post the full uncut eps to make it a wetv exclusive, which is bullshit. while gmmtv couldn't do much against it, they couldn't have discussed other ways, like they've done for other shows. it just really sucks bc the uncut version is the only great way to watch the show, but I wanna support the show on gmmtv's channel too :(

xxx

#answers #cooking crush #cooking crush the series #tenprem #off jumpol #gun atthaphan

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hashtagloveloses · 8 months

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hi hashtagloveloses,

I'm a new user and saw your post about reblogs. Is there anything else I should pay attention to? Could you tell me if there is a post or guide or something I can consult on how tumblr works? I'm still getting really lost here and have trouble finding anything.

there’s actually an official staff blog with a bunch of good tips called @tips everybody should know about! but off the top of my head also:

1) make sure you have a profile photo. you don’t need a cover photo you can even just turn that off in your blog settings. this is to make sure people don’t think you’re a bot

2) have a different username here than you have other places and don’t share personal information of any kind here (huge mistake i made….). despite what some people say you do not need to share anything about ur sexuality, pronouns, diagnoses, opinions, etc. frankly if i could advise my younger self, i’d say just don’t make original posts or comments at all (if u wanna make commentary in reblog tags maybe?). use a diary or a journal instead of original posts about yourself or your opinions or comments on others’ posts. even if you delete your blog or change your username, the reblogs of things you say live on here forever.

4) reblog instead of like, and tag posts with what they’re about when you post and reblog (this is something i don’t do as much as i should bc im often on mobile and don’t feel like it and only do it for original posts). at least make sure you’re tagging for common content warnings and spoilers. don’t censor words in posts or tags if you’re trying to tag, bc that breaks people’s mute/blocklists. DO censor words/tags if you’re talking about something you don’t want to clog the tag for or attract attention to or something.

5) if you personally want to keep track of original posts, asks, and queued posts, create tags you use for each of those and on mobile manually tag with them every time you do one of those posts, and on desktop you can have an extension do it. in your blog settings you can make like your original post tag one of your “featured tags” if you want easy access, or other people to be able to see, which just means when they hit the search bar on your blog it’s suggested.

6) make sure you go to your dashboard settings and turn OFF “best things first”. i keep on the other algorithmic stuff like showing stuff based on likes as well, and i flip between the various feeds, but most of what you should be doing is following blogs that post or reblog what you like, following the TAGS of things you like, and those will appear chronologically in your regular dash “following” feed.

7) freely block, unfollow, and filter/mute people and topics. do not feel like you have any obligation to anyone. curate your experience on here.

8) turn off submissions on your blog, and turn off anon asks or even asks all together if you don’t want them. you are not obligated to answer every ask or even have an open ask box. you should also take a look at your settings for private messages and replies to set them to what you’re comfortable with.

9) how i use notifications is different than a lot of ppl bc i get a LOT of them but explore how the Activity and notifications page works to your favor, but turn off push notifs and as much as you can. followers, likes, etc, do not matter that much here if you’re not trying to build a following for art or something and you shouldn’t pay attention to it other than just for fun.

10) learn what T*RF, SW*RF, and white supremacist dogwhistles are and how to spot them bc they can still be prevalent on here and you may not realize. a lot of seemingly normal posts about feminism on here can be crypto t*rf shit so you need to learn how to spot it. (those kinds of posts spread to a lot of platforms and people don’t realize….)

11) do not get into discourse on here. of any kind. even if you’re right. some idiot will drain the life out of you arguing with you and people get weird. you’re not gonna convince people online of anything in a discourse fight most of the time and you will only come out of it drained or harassed yourself (frankly this is good advice for anywhere and sometimes even i slip up). in general even on here where engagement is not encouraged as much, every platform has engagement bait and discourse either purposely seeded to piss you off, or if it’s not on purpose it’s still pushed by algorithms.

12) for things like news, etc, this is general online advice but make sure you’re practicing basic media literacy to check how real a headline or a video or something is. what’s the source? how old is it? did they provide sources? etc

13) DO NOT REPOST ART. EITHER FROM HERE OR FROM OTHER WEBSITES. unless the artist says you can repost it (and you need to do so with credit, and look and see if they need to give permission). do not REBLOG reposted art either. you may find it in tags sometimes. do not encourage that behavior.

14) to that same end, do not post AI bullshit here. chatGPT, character AI, voiceover deepfakes, AI videos, etc. don’t do or support those in general but don’t post that shit here

15) in general, and this is something i try to tell people on EVERY platform, remember that what you see people discussing online is often a small minority of what most people think or feel. it may FEEL like everyone is talking about a certain thing, or fighting about a certain thing, but it does not represent the whole. there’s so many discourses where people are like “why do x always say y” and i’m like well they don’t. the very online segment of x often say y bc it gets engagement or bc they are very loud. (this isn’t the case for everything but it happens often for very stupid topics). this isn’t to dismiss important conversations had online by a minority of people that aren’t being discussed wider enough either - bc that also does happen. but that is often for things that are more important than like, the same movie sex scene discourse i see on twitter every 2 weeks.

16) don’t feel any obligation to your “followers”. you are not an influencer you are just here having fun, and your followers follow for the things you reblog, not for you. be FREE.

17) on desktop browser, get the XKit Rewritten extension and go wild with the settings. its a really nice tool and has a lot of good features, like the quick reblog and queue features that give you those auto tags and stuff. (also if you aren’t already using Ublock Origin extension as your adblocker on desktop, get that too).

18) if you have an iphone, apple store limits what they can show you within the app, so if you want to look at more NSFW, the mobile browser version of tumblr is quite decent. but also go to your blog settings on desktop and make sure your settings of what it is showing you on your dash include sensitive content (even if you set it to have a filter over it at first), bc it sometimes autoflags random shit as “sensitive”. also play with your dashboard filters with tags for nsfw content to your comfort - it wont remove it it’ll just put a thing over it so it doesn’t pop up in public accidentally before you click to look at it.

#ask #tumblr tips

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lesbianfromthevoid · 3 years

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ok... so everyone sees the new trend on the internet now with millennials and gen z and weather or not skinny jeans and side parts are in or out right?? and, if you’re like me, someone who’s gen z and has no idea where these millennials got this idea from, then pls keep reading bc i have a theory on where this whole thing stems from and some opinions regarding this situation.

recently, buzzfeed posted some articles on what gen z thought was in or out nowadays... and all of their points match the ones millennials are making so i think it’s safe to connect the dots.

here is an example article:

the articles are sourcing tik toks of kids simply stating a personal opinion about what jeans they like to wear, and flipping it into saying that all gen z kids think skinny jeans are “out” and that all gen z kids are making fun of millennials for wearing them. basically, kids are expressing themselves online and adults are taking it personally and reacting in a very immature way.

in reality, what a majority of kids online are doing is showing people “hey! this is something i figured out i liked, you should try it bc maybe you’ll like it too! but, if not that’s okay, your things are cool too.” I mean one of the tik toks they sourced literally has in the caption “skinny jeans are still cute tho”.

in my opinion, this is bad journalism (if you even consider buzzfeed journalism to begin with..) because they’re taking peoples content and sharing it with misinformation on the creators intent of the original content. this tactic of twisting peoples words to get a reaction and therefore more readers is dishonest and unprofessional.

most kids these days are some of the most accepting people in this world. i mean, do these adults really think the generation that could accept furries would actually care about the way they part their hair or the style of jeans they’re wearing?? bc i haven’t actually seen one kid post a single statement like that. and before these articles and this trend came about, no kids where even addressing millennials, they were just stating personal opinions.

buzzfeed also posted these articles:

these latest installments in the so called generation war are even more unsettling, because now we have these articles praising adults for cyber bullying kids. kids who weren’t bothering anybody until articles and posts like this antagonized them for no reason.

one of my least favorite insults is when millennials make fun of gen z for shit like the tide pods challenge, because as far as i can recall, it was young adult (millennial) creators who where convincing their young impressionable audiences to do those recluse challenges in the first place. things like the cinnamon challenge or chubby bunny or whatever else where all popularized by them, and kids did it bc they saw older people online doing it for fun and getting veiws for making these videos. and now they want to turn around and poke fun at kids for being encouraged to make these mistakes and do these self harming challenges by adults they looked up to. it’s all very twisted and fucked up in my opinion.

the whole moral of this aggravating situation is that kids openly expressing their opinions will never be something adults are comfortable with, even if it’s something as simple as a hairstyle. i will never understand why adults can’t let children express themselves openly with out judgment, especially on such mundane topics. and especially when these kids weren’t even talking to or mentioning them in the first place. adults always have to pop in with a “back in my day” or “when i was your age” to speak over younger voices.

at the end of the day, these fights are pretty stupid. however, i just want to put it out there that kids shouldn’t feel guilty for expressing a personal opinion. self expression is great! and the best thing about gen z is that most kids don’t try to censor each other yet they’re also really good at criticizing actually hurtful or hateful content when they come across it. they don’t do everything perfectly and i am in no way intending to idolize them, because at the end of the day they are still human and they are still kids.

adults need to leave room for kids to express themselves and need to expect kids to make mistakes without humiliating them. how is a child supposed to learn from being humiliated by adults? and adults need to understand that when a kid makes a statement on their own personal opinions or preferences, they aren’t necessarily attacking those who don’t agree with them, they’re just trying to express themselves. if these adults were as emotionally mature as they brag to be, they would react to self expression in a more positive and supportive manor, without taking kids statements on personal preference to heart.

i think both gen z and millennials can learn from this experience on how to better treat people when they choose to express harmless opinions online. we should all actively work together to refocus our energy on real issues and not get lost in this back and forth of what’s “in” or “out”.

lastly, i’m a notoriously horrible speller, so any mistakes throughout this rant pls ignore. i wanted to get these thoughts out somewhere because this is something that has been aggravating me for a little bit.

#gen z #millennials #gen z vs millenials #generation war #buzzfeed news #side parts and skinny jeans #skinny jeans #side parts #tide pods #this whole argument is really so stupid and i think that’s what annoyed me the most #stop being mad at kids for nothing

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powerosewaterpuff · 4 years

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so i was having mary and john grayson feels bc i always do ofc, and i decided well if i can’t find any other fics and headcanonns? imma make them myself hehe soo enjoy ! (heads up tho, it’s a l o t hehe)

Mary Grayson

-cannot cook, she is absolutely a w f u l at it but oh my god she loves watching john cook. she even follows him around, writing in a little journal about all the different recipes and steps, bc she is d e t e r m i n d to be able to make something other then cereal

-she always lets dick attempt to braid her hair, and even though it might come out looking bumpy and uneven, she couldn’t care less bc the smile on her sons face is priceless

- loves the summer, basking in the sun on a wide beach is her ideal happy place, because the winter reminds her a little too much of memories she wishes she could suppress

-she always sticks her tongue out just a bit when she’s focused on something, john still blushes when he sees that

-isn’t an avid reader, but she could watch johns facial expressions as he rereads the same twist in his favourite novel for the rest of her life

-she has a small array of ear piercings, which include three piercings on each lobe and upper lobe (the first she had received when she was a baby, and it had been her grandmothers idea), then she has a helix hoop piercing on each ear with a little stud underneath the hoop of the right ear. (Dick loves them, and always had a habit of fiddling with them even as a baby.)

-her laugh could be described as, (as courtesy of john grayson), “the sound of wind chimes billowing against the breeze, and then she starts snortin—Hey! It’s the truth, what do you want me to lie, mary?”

-dick most definitely inherited her eyelashes, long, dark and curled. she also tends to argue that he got her humour too, but john adamantly defends his honour as, “the most hilarious human being to walk the earth, and dick most definitely got my sense of humour, e x c u s e you, mariam.”

-she is infinitely glad that her and john have a very equal parenting system, without one person needing to be the primary disciplinarian as they work as a united front. (except when john and dick come inside the trailer, dragging in mounds of dirt from a flimsy soccer game. then? shes usually the disciplinary one then, shooing them to go take a shower and telling them that they needed to make sure every i n c h of dirt is out of the trailer before she’s done her afternoon stretches.)

-she’s a very bold and opinionated person, but stubbornly independent with a strong moral system and a fierce temper. she isn’t accustomed to asking for help, and is always expecting to be disappointed or let down. she’s always waiting for the catch to come into play, with john though? it never did

-the second dick gives her his puppy dog eyes, it’s over. she’ll give up the cookies she’s hidden in the top shelf, she’ll give him the biggest hug, she’ll practically do anything, and mary thinks john is the exact same.

-her gut instincts are scarily right, to the point where her best friend, the magicians assistant, is convinced she’s a psychic of some sort.

- the day she met john, she had heard about a young circus boy about her age coming to live with his great aunt in her neighborhood, but hadn’t really paid it any mind.

-it wasn’t until one neighbourhood party, that she locked eyes with a pair of vibrant blue eyes with a deeply rooted fire within them. it gave her a shock of adrenaline, and excitement, the same thing she felt when she was about to go on stage as a ballerina or about to face the uneven bars as a gymnast. it wasn’t a nervous bout of a adrenaline, it was a calming rush, one that filled her bones with a thrill beyond all compare. (Little did she know, the second john had locked eyes with a pair of lively green eyes, he had found what he was looking for.)

- mary was a natural born contortionist, with a flexibility she acquired from years of ballet as well as gymnastics. learning how to work the trapeze was a whole other thing though, as it was a little odd to adjust at first. she loved johns freedom and wild nature while soaring through the air though, a lot more then she loved the rigidness of her own form. (john disagreed vehemently, the way mary moved was like she was one with the air and the air was one with her, and he admits that was she an incredibly quick learner.)

-will always watch cartoons with dick, whether it be The Simpsons one evening or Tom & Jeremy the next.

-johns singing is her favourite thing ever, she always begs him to sing her to sleep and some nights, when john feels a deep rooted knot tug at his chest, mary is sweetly singing, “here comes the sun,” by the beatles in his ear

-her and johns go to song to get dick to sleep is, “little bird, little bird,” by elizabeth mitchell. she always changes the last bird, a whip-poor-well, to a robin bird. it’s a little offbeat but she thinks dick likes it. (dick loves it.)

-has an unparalleled amount of energy, and is always bursting with exuberance, the only one who can really challenge her on that is dick. both of them are absolute adrenaline junkies.

-has an insatiable love for period dramas, it is her absolutely guilty pleasure and will be found watching tapes of her favourite show in the living room at like 3am

-she loves the smell of burning wood and loves sitting outside of summer nights, taking in the sounds of the cicadas and the cold breeze.

-she is absolutely exasperated with her sons ability to make friends with injured woodland animals, it was adorable and absolutely darling to an extent, but oh my god if she had to handle one more skunk with a broken leg or a fox with its leg stuck to a wooden post, she would consider barricading the circus.

-(she loves buying matching clothing for her family and her, but what she loves the most is dressing john and dick up to match, she has a whole box filled with those pictures, which would be perfect blackmail material once dick was in his teens.)

John Grayson

-is one of the most laid back human beings, he always has a lazy smile and gentle mischief twinkling in his eyes. (but fuck with his family and see what happens, he dares you.)

-his eyes are practically identical to dicks, in every shape, way and form. but dicks have an unstoppable light in them, that his just don’t have but he’s so happy they do.

-loves to overspray his cologne just to irritate mary, her scrunched up nose his absolutely adorable. (but he still couldn’t get why she didn’t like that cologne, it was fucking amazing)

-curses like an absolute sailor, and mary isn’t any better but she’s far better at censoring herself. john has had to slap a hand around his mouth a few times to avoid having to explain the word, “shit,” to dick.

-christmas is his favourite time of the year without a doubt, and loves to be curled up on his worn couch with a novel in hand in front for a fire.

-is an avid prankster, but if you confront him about it, he’ll give you a trademarked Grayson smile, and tilt his head to the side questioningly.

-his laugh is like (as courtesy of mary grayson), “a crash of waves, refreshing and loud with a distinct clarity, and then he starts to w h e e z—Hey! it’s the truth! I thought you were against lying, huh?”

-he’s ticklish, and his brother along with his wife and son take advantage of that way too much.

-dick is legit attached to this mans hip 24/7, like if you see john strolling around the circus there is a 94% chance that dick is either riding on his shoulders or settled comfortably on his hip.

-the day he met mary, he had felt a little out of place and stilted at this neighbourhood party. but he sucked it in bc anything was better then going back to his home, so he took a shaky breathe and tried to converse with his great aunts friends, until the music started and he locked eyes with a pair of lively green eyes, and he had found exactly what he was a looking for. a fleeting purpose that could so easily slip between his finger tips but the thrill to latch onto it was expanding in his chest. and he realized that if he didn’t march right on over there and talk to this girl, he would’ve lost something he didn’t even knew he could lose.

- playing guitar had always been a little bit of a therapeutic thing, because even though he tried to be practicing their act every single minute of his day, there were times where he needed to sit under a tree with his son curled in his lap, his leather jacket draped on him. the love of his life and the afterlife curled up next to him, with his blistered fingers from dealing with ropes all day strumming the guitar.

-the biggest elvis presley, beatles and rat pack fan in the world. he also loves louis armstrong as well as nat king cole. (he grew up with this music as his first big introduction to north american music as well as culture.)

-open communication and emotions are a big thing for him, he never wants anything to be misinterpreted and he tries his hardest to make sure neither him nor mary ever go to sleep angry with one another. they argue a decent amount, bc they both have wild tempers (johns is a flame that’s difficult to light but once it does he’ll have a vicious tongue of a temper, and mary’s is a quick lighter that can be easily put out but for the time that it burns holy shit she’s scary,) but they always work things out by talking to one another at the dinner table.

-this man lives and breathes sarcasm, to the point where people never really know if he’s being sarcastic or not (mary does, and it annoys him to no end.)

-always playing with his hair, or he’s playing with mary’s or dick’s. it’s become a little of a nervous habit for him, but also a way to relax.

-was always insecure about how short and scrawny he was as a kid, even now once he’s filled into pure muscle and but still a little short compared to others. however, he uses his body to his advtange though, he can easily be the strong man of the act, and can easily balance both dick and mary with one hand. he’s immensely proud of that, and shows it off as much as he can.

-just to annoy mary, he’ll slowly lift his son up and they’ll give the exact same puppy dog eyes and pout. mary will legit do anything they want (he wasn’t ready for mary to come in one day, blinking her beautiful green eyes and pouting, with dick settled on her hip doing the exact same thing as they ask for chocolate pancakes one morning. it’s fair to say he sprinted out of bed and straight to the kitchen.)

-despises hunting for sport and guns, his father owned an array of hunting guns that were always proudly polished and hung on the walls of their trailer. john fucking hated it, and was about to blow a fuse when one of the circus members decided to take dick on a hunting trip without asking. (he held dick close that night as he cried bc he didn’t understand why they had shot the deer when it looked so happy.)

-is the absolutle biggest crybaby when it comes to Heidi (the book) and has rewatched Kiki’s Delivery Service with dick like 30 times? he cries every time ( “mARY SHES SO SAD OH MY GOD AND SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND J I J I ANYMOREEEE.”) (“sEE GRANDFATHER DOES CARE AND THE SYMBOLISM MARY THE SYMBOLISM.”)

-loves looking up at the stars, and liked to memorize their names as well as patterns as a kid. he was overjoyed to share this with dick, as they lay down on the roof of their circus caravan, point out constellations and tell their stories (dick would always perch himself on the tallest skyscraper in gotham, on a clear summer evening, just to get a one glance at the stars at again before the smog rolls in. he swears he saw cassiopeia once, but maybe he was just wishing he did. )

-is equally stressed by dick’s unprecedented love of making friends with the most random things, is also stressed because his son is this tiny kid who keeps getting himself stuck in bushes then runs home, covered in thorns but still has the biggest smile. john is usually on first aid duty, and he just knows that his kid would run into the sun exploding with a bright smile plastered on his face.

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wittywordsmithlostingray-blog · 7 years

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Random

It seems witches are replacing the mermaid craze in trend lemming chicks. All this bru-hahah! And oh, lemme insert this into a band name! It’s timeless! Y’ok! Suddenly the “Craft,” movie has a new following. It seems everyone is so pre-occupied in being someone else. Everyone, anyone seems like a better alternative, right?!

Oh, let me just pretend I’m a Dodo bird or any other extinct or mythical creature! Unicorns are the new snowflakes. Every upcycle on pop trends just irks me. When will it be “cool,” to care and be a kind human being?! When will people examine their lives and arrive at reasons for their being. It seems I walk next to a centaur fused with a platypus and whatever new item that raises people’s heads up from their phones. Oh but I don’t. People just push their version of, “shock value,” for a double take, a head turn, anything selfie-able to record somewhere in someone’s mind, how “unique,” they are. How about we go back to how common kindness should be !? Be unique in doing it! Make a twitter account for Kindness and create a crowd fund account and always pay into it!? That’s timeless! That’s sexy! So popularize it!

Today is Mexican Mother’s Day (5/10/17). I miss my Mom. We’ve had a conflictual relationship all my life but I think Menopause helped her to calm down somewhat. Today is the only day that I’m cool with chicks calling me a Mamacita (Hot girl who is not a Mother, it’s also said in other contexts but not today). My Mom put me in private school and what I take away from my Christian education is the missionary work. I really enjoyed helping to feed orphans in Tijuana and that’s where my kind (my tribe) of kind started. I later built homes in Americorps for Habitat for Humanity, feed the Homeless on my home front, made military care packages, tithed and raised money for underdeveloped countries and missionary scholarships. My Mom instilled in me that no matter how much you have, someone will always have less and to humble myself and be grateful for the clean water, electricity, food and miscellaneous add ons that I have.

I used to be into fashion and was very creative with textiles (my grandma was a seamstress and my uncle a fashion designer in L.A). I used to spend money frivolously on fine dining, clothes, technology and travel. I don’t really care about those things anymore. They lost their luster. I still see the appeal to it but I’m more transfixed on souls now. Being a Christian, we always strived to improve and be as “Christ like,” as possible. Now I see it as, the best version of ourselves, our highest good. I never like to ask for money but I was required to for a suicide prevention event I’m volunteering for. I put my goal at a meager $25 and two donors advanced me at reaching my goal at 240% I cried. I cried because I do not ask for help because I feel I have to be self sufficient and because people have let me down more times than my heart is willing to forget and then a stranger gives and a friend I am not close to. That friend was with me on the few times I wanted to commit suicide, myself so it just added to my flow of tears.

In just writing this, I am remembering how much God has blessed me and even though I feel victimized very often (latest is someone breaking into our rent drop box to steal resident checks and my co-worker reaching into my bag and stealing my medical gloves and grinching the gloves from their designated box), I need to remember that he has always stood in to protect me. Like clockwork, the moon lines up to my moon (my menses) and my emitted pheromones run very high. Past lovers contact me and guys (even from their cars) cat call and try their primitive mating tactics on me.

I had a blog here 4 years ago and I learned of nympho ninjas through here and well, tumblr is mainly used in that way now; for porn but that’s not what NN is. A friend from L.A had made mention that my hyperlink to my tumblr on my Instagram was broken and when was I going to re-activate it again? Since I’ve felt the need to get a lot off my bouncing Bust! I re-activated one. I didn’t think anyone but that friend who see this because IG is like a scroll of picture slideshow. I mean, who visits the page unless they want to add you?! Well, my old spirit guide did and was offended. He didn’t like me taking up tantra with someone new. I’ve had 2 tantric twins. Tantra transcendence is not something you go into, it calls you and it originally did not involve sexual involvement. You can’t carry it out with just anyone. I communicate with him in ESP like that handful of other individuals I have this ability with. I was upset at first because I felt like he was making my blog about him. I’m not writing to anyone. It’s dead air or space and I have typos and just write as fast as I think it. Still, I feel compelled to go to a different blog hosting site like word press or something. I’m censored on FB by my Mom and family. I can’t post just anything on IG bc I have my sister-in-law and some co-workers on there. I just wanted to have a platform where I could freely not be filtered. I’m kind of over Instagram now that everyone and their Mom is on there. I kind of liked it when I had it more to myself. I stumbled on, “Ello,” and I think I might dwell there instead. Sometimes going against the grain feels better. When too many have caught on to what you’ve been a part of for years, I just want to let it go, let them have it and start anew, somewhere else.

I feel a little weird with the amount of people from my past that I was in contact with today. I texted my ex husband after 7 months of no contact. It was refreshing that his response was as I expected. That guy always had a way of creating levity in darkness. I miss the me (not all aspects but, the merriment of our adventure back then) I was with him and I miss a few former flames often enough. I used to feel this way about my brothers when they took up partners but then they had children and now I don’t miss my childhood with them so much because it extended through their kids. My Mom said that she told my 3 y.o nephew that his tia (aunt) came to visit him. He didn’t register that she meant past tense so he roamed the halls shouting for me, looking around each bend. That melted my heart. I have immense, unconditional love for my twin nieces and nephew. To them, I am a fun, taller child who plays piano, takes them on park outings in the radio flyer, stacks lincoln logs and legos with them, plays hide and go seek (under their game changer rules). I do these activities with them but even in stillness when they rest on my lap and I read or when they eat in their high chair and I feed, they stop and look at me and smile. They see my soul and they are tender in a hiccup laugh that follows. Their little hands reach for mine because they think they’re the strongest, they look at me and think I’m perfect, that I’m important and they see my arms as strong enough to hold them but gentle enough to sway their discomfort away. They see in me what I don’t see in myself and still I gravitate toward them, not for the appraisal within those actions, but because I love them for no reason and they love me without reason. Neither of us have to, we just do.

The Disney, “Dumbo,” clip, “Baby Mine,” song always makes me a blubbering mess over it. Since first viewing it, at 4, the Circus was not something I wanted to patronize and my affinity of elephants expanded from there. I used to have an ele-friend. I don’t now. I just realized how therapeutic these entries have been. It’s as if I’ve fast tracked my suffocated down tears to flow again. I think I’ve cried at some point with every entry. For some reason, this medium is where I’m being called to be in and since I don’t want to offend people, I will vacate premise and take up a new home (undisclosed) but I just need to keep doing this. I need to keep writing from my soul. It recalibrates me. For these, I’m not a grammar girl, my run ons and inappropriate placements of punctuation and typos go, anything goes! I’m not a victim of “Forced PC,” here. I can accept my thoughts as I read them and that’s the only affirmation and validation I need. This is a film projector for me and the reel is my writing. Here, I am me and readers don’t have to like it, they can back off my blog. It’s not that I’m bullied to leave. I think I may be exposing myself too much if people I know really are visiting this. They don’t know these thought patterns or sides to me. I don’t owe anything to my old spirit guide. Maybe it’s because I’m tired or (insert whatever other speculation here) but I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m not saying “No more nice girl,” or no to being nice. That stays. I’m saying that I don’t care anymore. To the person who texted me that has this link, No! I don’t want to fuck you! It’s been a year and 1/2 and it was once and it was not what I had in mind. You: “What happened to our friendship and love?” “I miss going out for Rocky Road ice cream at 2 am!” Me: “You were more of an acquaintance, there was no love.” I pined for you 3 years before that and you were, “too cool,” and then through the course of time, I realized who you were and was turned off. You’re 24! Just go away!

I don’t read these intrapsychic interferences like a radar, more like an EKG that I want to go flatline. To Daniel Son, DAAAAMMMNNN Daniel! I don’t have to know where I stand with you and vice versa. It doesn’t matter anymore. There was a lot of destruction that can’t be undone and I don’t have energy for trying anything with anyone anymore. My time is my own. I don’t even have energy for the last person I loved. The only thing I show up for now are my nieces and nephews. Even though they’re energy consumers, they synergistically give me life. We mutually enliven each other. That’s the only love concerning me right now (not that it’s any of your business). I don’t owe you an explanation but there is one that’s beyond your interpretation. I’m not boy crazy. I can say I miss my past but I don’t carve out time for it in my present. I move in upward strokes like the salmon. I write about it because it lessens the experience that it was and I let go more and more, each time. I welcome in the new positivity that will take over and I rid of past strife.

Yeah, I’m not a fan of lurkers, stalkers, trolls and voyeurs and in just knowing there’s an audience, it creates this bias, as if I’m writing for a show. “On the next season of Melissa’s life...” Yeah, fuck that noise! I’m not a bitch, I might be numb and apathy might be setting in but I think I need to remain in that state for a while. I feel too intensely that it burns out. I live between the polarity of loving/caring too much and just not giving a fuck. I don’t have a middle ground right now. I’m a little scattered and kind of secretly wish that Scooby Doo Fred would give me a hug and haunt me again. He was the last person I was with that felt to the same intensity and frequency, what I did but the hug would be more for him. I’m not boy crazy, I just feel small sometimes in the vast infinity continuum that is my head. I don’t have the headspace for half the shit that tools around in there and half less the heart space for it. Because of this, sometimes my heart time travels to bookmarks, saving the place where I was held and felt safe and saw them as perfect.

My heart is cold like an ice cave, the arteries stalagmites. My feelings are frostbitten. I am making this period of time what I need it to be for me. I will unlearn, like the magic of oxytocin allows. I will live out goals from my heart center (love list). My days are great but more will fuse on and in plural, they will be great again. When I am open, I will love again and my soulmate will be as ready for me as I him. There is a voice in me that hears all the collective compliments I’ve received on my eloquence in writing, my skill at it and in a small way, it make me feel big.

Love is fluid. My friend told me today, “I need to fully love myself!” I replied, “I don’t think that’s a thing, I mean you can’t be yourself 24/7 and your needs change and you adapt to the wave forecast that is the ocean of life!” She wrote back, “Oh, that’s true!” I don’t know if anyone is fully themselves at any given time, given our influences. I just feel that we do have an authentic self and an ideal self and we tend to overlap the two in balance but more commonly live in one domain and it’s usually the “ideal self,” (this is not who you are but who you project yourself to be, some traits can carry over but it’s not really you). The authentic self is something every philosopher and abstract thinker has pondered on. Ben Franklin says, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond and to know one’s self.”

I like the girl on her bike, she’s badass, I like the girl with the cat, Neechee, the girl who takes on challenges and new adventures, the girl who pays into her health through many fields and avenues, the girl who loves wholeheartedly, even with the risk of non reciprocation. I love the girl in me who is a feminist and brave the boys in ways most girls don’t step up to. I love the girl in me who feels energies and can measure aura’s and determine whether the person is spirit decayed. I love the bookworm girl who sways on her hammock with a page turner and is transported there, bringing life to the text. I love the girl who is a woman but feels mostly like a girl because she is playful, witty, funny and kind with that girl like innocence. I love the woman in me that can be a woman but also an archer and tap into my divine femininity. I love the hips that can gyrate into figure eights and undulate in belly dance. I love my legs that choreograph my steps and out dance the floor mass, I love my arms that extend warm embraces and contain. I love the lips that feel around taste like a blind man in the dark and land on bliss. I love my kaleidoscope eyes that can transfix on fire and subdue men. I love my sexual parts too. I love my sensitive breasts that comfort with their volume and surrender to stimulation. I love my bowed bottom that is positioned below my Aphrodite dimples. I love my dendrite, pulse point and erogenous zones. I love me on a cellular level, not all the time and not all at once but in this roll call, I see the snapshot and I do love me from the inside out and I keep this in mind daily. I may not fully love myself because I don’t think one can fully know one self but I’m working on continuing as a love luminary and knowing that I can be all these adjectives and more but when I can love myself for no reason, perhaps I have loved fully.

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