everyone shut up about discourse. 10 minutes to new banter we can do this

its confusing? i guess bc its like “so u dont really ship w hrid/laegjarn/ect. :/” but thats not true? i dont think. i do ship with them, but just like all yall fuckers i have a “version” of myself that i ship them with. an in universe version, because the narrative of a lonely traveler who befriends an eccentric duke before he dies and then ends up in an anxiety inducing new land but meets kind and supportive and attractive people there is a narrative that appeals to me and is fun to imagine myself in.

am i a traveling horsewoman with healing powers? no. am i friends with a duke? no. but i bet u cant really shoot out magic orbs from a gun and summon medieval warriors with them, so i dont rlly think that argument works.

i think for the “me” here, hrid and laegjarn and the others are special to me. theyre my favorite characters, i like them, i like consuming content of them. but i see them as being in a happy relationship with kasumi in the world of heroes. i dont really have the same feeling to see them “with” me, to see “me” comforting and/or protecting them. same w sturm/drang/belial/ect. i love them all a lot, but i see them as dating kisumi. who is the “me” that would exist within the universe of granblue.

i think it partly has to do with the setting. granblue is like a high fantasy, same with fe (admittedly heroes has more of an isekai story, which is what i usually see people having themselves as in it, nothing wrong w that). whereas things like fate are a modern and urban setting, something i can easily ish see myself in, i could see myself taking sal to the movies, or going shopping w him, or ect. and even gintama is such a domestic setting, despite being vaguely 1800s ish. hans and the... canon world hes in is a different matter entirely. that doesnt follow any of my rules haha.

i think its... i feel a personal disconnect w my self inserts as a whole, especially after naming them. its like they cease being “me” and start being their own self. the differences become more pronounced, kisumi is confident and flirty and direct in a way im not. kasumi has had to be independent in a way i have not, shes lived in a place i have not. (albeit theres more similarities now haha) i think ive been glad to not put a name to my in universe hans insert bc it still feels like “me”. its a “me” that exists there, that is living a fantasy where im both the musician w good connections and the wandering asshole, that is direct and strong willed but also gentle and caring. and those arent traits associated w a completely different person, those are “me”. thats the “me” i would be for hans.

i think theres definitely appeal to me of named self inserts/ones i consider separate. for instance, moku i love in both of her timeline versions. at!moku is hilarious and badass, main!moku is really fun too, shes a bit of a tribute to things like dtl which got me into japanese history in the first place. main!moku is also buddies w misaki and the others, which is infinitely fun to write by extension. but its like, when i think about that, that’s moku. thats aime. thats kisumi and kasumi and mokou. theres “me”, but that “me” is separate.

and i think bc its that “me” that has some relationships with some of my faves is why its so personal and different? theres the “me” thats been with sal for 9 months. thats not tomone, or ritsu, or anyone else. its like real life me ish. its the me that plays fgo and stuff. ritsu is like a caricature manifestation of my playing fgo (gijinka?), tomone is a self insert character for insertia, which was/is a way to share that relationship in a group setting. but theres “my” relationship which is different from those. i feel a disconnect from them, im not a doctor of chaldea and a twin, im not living in trifas with sal and cu. im... just some asshole playing fgo for 3 years, and thats really what i think about by default.

its not really real life me. real life me has too many issues, real life me goes by a name and is (trying to be) a productive person who (is working on having) has a job and lives a life of generally being decent. thats separate from the “me” that has known mashu and cu for 3 years, thats separate from the “me” that wants to hold stabby boys and stuff like that. i never picture them saying my name, just like i never picture them doing anything else id feel uncomfortable with. its not that i dont like my name, id feel the disconnect if they used any other name- screen name, si’s name. i feel a disconnect from that version of myself associated with that name. the real life me is a violinist with a degree and stuff, just a regular person. the screen name me is a hobbyist writer/artist with depression and anxiety. the “me” that loves  sal is.... just someone who wants to care for someone, a little greedy but who genuinely wants his well being. who wants to be able to help someone else, who i like like and who i can see really needs it. i guess maybe its like my core desires, that “me”. and by indulging in those desires im able to have something that makes me happy, at the same time as being the other necessary faces? i guess of myself.

its something that i guess is pretty personal to me which is why i dont really like sharing it much. they are fictional characters, all i can do is fantasize about helping them. i feel its presumtuous to think that i know how they feel, much less that “they love me uwu”. its different i guess with like laegjarn and hrid and gareth and the others. its like im a sort of omniscient narrator and also the specific si in that verse. laegjarn or hrid acts kind and happy to kasumi, and i feel that happiness from the act. theyre cute, the warm feeling is contagious. its different from how i feel for sal or hans, but it doesnt make either wrong i think. in kasumis story, hrid loves kasumi and kasumi loves hrid. laegjarn loves kasumi and kasumi loves laegjarn. the whole squad cares about kasumi and kasumi cares about all of them. i would say its different than “me” and sal. i love sal, i adore him so much. i can say im grateful for him coming home, im grateful for him sticking with me through everything. i wont assume that “you havent left me so ur in loooOOOooove with me” bc thats the sort of manipulation i detest. but i wont also deny anything hes done. im grateful for him, im grateful for his existence. its a different matter than the feelings kasumi and her partners have.

i like to do stuff like this, despite appearances. i like knowing what tf is going on in this cobweb filled brain of mine, and analyzing myself helps me know myself better. it might not be accurate, but it saves me time on worrying. i do feel like this puts me at odds/apart at the least from a lot of the community tho. thats ok tho, thats how i am and thats how they are. it doesnt mean one of us is wrong, it just means its incompatible. best to leave it at that, if they want to be asses then its their fault.