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phantomphangphucker · 1 year

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Phic Phight - Not In A Chipper Mood

For: @strawberrycamel @higgidigs @thegayonthemoon @sprout

Danny’s not new to injuries but this is certainly a new one and it’s kind of ridiculous. Oh, and it’s also Vlad’s fault even if it’s really not.

Okay. So uh. Danny’s having a bit of a day. Well okay, most of the day was pretty standard, pretty normal. He got judgmental looks from Lancer for un-completed homework, got a swirly from Dash where he had to pretend he actually needed to breath, Jazz called from uni to complain about her roommate and cuss him out a little for recommending she put ectoplasm in the other girls hair dye, and Vlad jabbed him with that stupid Plasmius Maximus thingy ‘cause Danny dyed his cat with beet juice. All pretty standard Danny experiences. What wasn't, however, was him taking a quick nap in a tree only to wind up inside a fucking wood chipper.

How did whoever not notice him??? He has some serious questions about that.

He had more questions about how the heck he was still half alive! Since the wood chipper -that he’s guessing is missing safety features or something- didn't turn off when it encountered something substantially more squishy than a tree, and whoever was supposed to be running this thing had seemingly fucked off. Anyway, he got woken up by his shoulder getting turbofucked by giant blade things, reasonably he assumed it was Skulker being an asshole… it wasn’t of course, and it not being Skulker threw him off enough that he just kinda… didn't do anything until the blade stuff went crush happy on half of his face.

He thought he was going to die die! People don't exactly survive this kinda thing do they? Heh. Talk about dumb ways to die.

He reacted to the face crushing though, obviously. High pain tolerance or no he can, in fact, still feel pain. Unfortunately his still slightly groggy from sleep and confusion dumb ass, decided the best choice was to push himself away from the blade things with his hand… by putting said hand on the blades. That didn't work out so great for him, in that said hand kinda lost the ability to remain attached to the rest of him. His second attempt to get out involved trying to use his feet to wiggle backwards, unfortunately by that point one pant leg hand already been snagged -bye bye knee- and the other foot couldn’t hook on anything around so he just wound up flailing around some and achieving a whole lot of nothing.

Now see, this wouldn't even be a problem if he had access to all his powers. Like, he could have just phased away or floated off or just used his ghost strength to destroy the machine. But no, stupid Vlad and his stupid Maximus thingy or whatever. Sure this even more one hundred percent wouldn't be happening if Danny hadn’t decided to sleep in a tree… and if he had heard the loud ass wood chipper.

… Yeah this was really his own damn fault. Still, fuck Vlad and Danny’s stupid luck too.

Anyway where was he? Oh yeah, so like, the machine was still going chop happy on him when he kinda noticed that his shoulder was just… regrowing an arm, slowly but still; which once again shocked him into just not doing anything, because since when could he regrow limbs! Like it wasn’t going very fast, fuck you Vlad, but it was still going. Which, weird huh? Also weird that his head ain't really a head no more, and he’s not dead. He really should be dead. Lack of a head -and chest, and arms, and one leg- might be contributing to him not being super freaked out though. Like, he’s thinking and feeling but probably not the way he should be, all things considered. On one hand he’s thinking about how holy fuck he is so injured Ancients fuck he should be dying, but on another hand he’s just kinda legit amazed he’s not dead/dying, and on another hand he’s trying to figure out if this bullshit would be classified as a shredding injury or full body disembowelment or dismemberment or disintegration or just being turned into Campbells Chunky Soup™.

Annnnnd he just got a blade to the eye which exploded like a grape, fuckin’ lovely.

At least his powers were slowly, slowly, returning so he was repeatedly reforming -it’s not regrowing at this point, just entirely reforming the scraps back together- faster and faster, not enough to get out but, you know, it was something. He’d like his intangibility back though, that would be way better. Sure maybe someone could show up and actually look after their machine but that wouldn't actually help him, he was a bunch of mangled bits! What was whoever gonna do? besides turning the machine off anyways. Which, okay fine that would actually help a lot, but it would probably also severely traumatise whoever… Danny’d like to not do that, but to not do that he needs his powers back… or to think up another way to deal with this shit.

Even if he manages to fully reform himself he’s just gonna get chopped up again; he’s lost count of how many times his poor right hand has been re-obliterated. But hey, at least his healing is solid enough now that he’s mostly staying in bigger chunks pretty consistently, less stringy shreds/globs and more pizza box sizes of flesh/muscle just kinda flopping and bouncing around. Some of him is in the machine’s inside, and some’s still whacking around in the blades; some is also in the wood chip pile but that was unfortunately only half of his left hand, bits of intestines, and a foot. A fully formed foot and other bits just kinda sitting and wiggling on some wood chips must look really weird. He was trying to make his half hand drag itself over to shut off the machine but it was kinda hard to focus on that, and he couldn’t just form an eye on the hand so he could actually see where his hand’s going.

It wound up falling down a sidewalk drain…

Danny was having a really bad day. A really weird really bad day.

“FEǝɯ ɹ∀ ANW pY BOX- Op HEɹƎ ANNƎIƆTS!”.

And his day just got worse, even with his ears all fucked up and surrounded by loud machinery he knows that’s The Box Ghost’s sorry ass. Well, he might as well try to get Boxy to help Danny unfuck his fuck up, he’s sorta got a mouth… a mouthish thing; and maybe some of a vocal cord. “F y, MACHIN I kn’th k I THE! Oh cank hinonow, canow, y, Bow, OF OF IN OF thin, t INE! TURN THI MACHE t thin, canou t Oheyou OFFFF”. That was intelligible right? Maybe.

“Uhhhhhh. Phoʇu∀m?”… “okaʎ”.

Oh thank fuck, that sounded like an okay. Good. Oop, there goes his eye again; fucking lovely.

Boxy makes some kind of squeaking noise. “Aǝɥʇ llse BUTNO┴S AR Ǝ CIRCUɹ∀˥!”.

“Oh fucks shoe Oh a sake, Boxy! OR SOMETHING!”. He manages to flick the top half of his right hand out of the front of the machine with one of his toes purely to flip Boxy off.

But the Box Ghost grabs the half hand, “yes! YOU TOU┴I HƆ NO MƎ!”. He uses Danny’s fingers to push a circular button and the machine finally turns off. He wants to kick Boxy’s ass, but… the guy does kind of push around the semi reformed globs and chunks of Danny into a sorta square pile. He even goes and gets Danny’s one foot and the partial section of intestines, putting that on the pile that’s just laying in the flat area of the wood chipper; Danny’s eyes reforming enough to see that the Box Ghost is just floating there staring at him awkwardly and fiddling with his fingers.

Danny waits to actually have enough of a mouth and vocal cord to speak properly, “thanks I guess”.

“You have a LOT OF BLOOD and… FLESHY STUFF!”.

“Oh for fucks sake”, Danny rolls an eye, which literally rolls around a little, “yeah. That’s kinda how not being dead dead works seemingly. Fuckin’ jazzed I didn't just make myself deader”.

The Box Ghost points away awkwardly, clearly asking to leave; Danny waves him off with a fully reformed right hand. Sure maybe the guy will go terrorise some folks but that’s pretty unlikely since Danny probably just disturbed the ever loving Hell outta him.

Eventually Danny drags his semi reformed upper right half and some of his attached head -most of said head is inside the machine- over the side lip of the machine and hurls a tooth at the on button to re-mash up whatever’s inside the machine. Letting that go for a bit before using another hurled tooth to turn it back off, and gets to work pulling out all the bits of himself he can.

Honestly? He only grabs the important stuff, major organ bits/core bits and that shit; the rest he can just reform inside himself eventually apparently.

But guess what? Yeah the guy who owns this shit comes back during Danny’s dig time, doesn't bother looking inside the machine to see why it’s off, and just goes to turn it back on.

Danny blinks, watching his right hand get re-obliterated by the blades. Snarling, “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!”. Before mustering up enough energy -which he thankfully somewhat had again- to create some ecto-ice and just lets loose on the blades/insides of the machine while screaming angrily at it.

The man screams, the machine explodes, and Danny walks off in a huff to snag his left hand out of the damn drain.

“WHAT THE HELL! KID?!? THE HELL!”.

“FUCK YOU!”.

“YOU BLEW UP MY MACHINE!”.

“WATCH YOUR DAMN EQUIPMENT! YOU FUCK FACE DIPSHIT!”.

“WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET ALL THIS ICE! HOW’D YOU EVEN GET IT IN THERE!”.

“‘CAUSE YOU PUT ME IN THE MACHINE, HORSE SHIT! AND FROM YOUR MOTHER!”.

“HEY!”.

“FUCK YOU!”.

“FUCK YOU TOO!”.

“FUCK YOU MORE!”. Danny storms off to the guy continuing to shout obscenities at him. Fuck that asshat.

---

Danny barely makes it around the corner when he senses the Box Ghost again, lovely. The ghost’s huddled in a cardboard box with a bunch of cats, Danny walking over and looking over in at him, “you, uh, doing okay there?”.

The Box Ghost goddamn whimpers, petting one of the cats, “I did not know human pulp was possible, and all that wood pulp to make precious boxes is contaminated now”.

Danny tilts his head back and sighs at the sky, oh no, he traumatised the poor bastard. Whoops. “Okay yeah, sorry ‘bout that one”, looking back down at the ghost, “maybe give wood chipper operators shit for not caring to pay enough attention to avoid contaminating their product with an idiots body slash corpse? I though I was gonna die all thanks to my sleeping habits”, tilting his head sideways, eying all the very content looking cats, “though, why is you trauma response go-to a cat cuddle pile?”.

“They appreciate my BOXES OF DOOM houses”, the cats jumped a little and glares at the ghost for the noise, Boxy pats them pacifiyingly.

And sure enough when Danny glances around a little more, yeah tons on boxes, some set up like steps to sleep(?) on top of tall fridge-sized boxes. Some have little cubed roofs made out of very tiny boxes. It was actually kinda fucking adorable actually, Sam would approve. Danny should encourage positive ghost behaviour? Right? Right. So Danny gives the Box Ghost a head pat, “good on you, Boxy. Good on you. I’m suddenly far less inclined to stop your box stealing ways”.

Now that gets the box obsessed ghosts spirits up again, him whisper shouting, “I shall rule as my minions praise my boxed creations!”.

Danny shakes his head and decides to leave the guy alone to cope with Danny absolutely horrifying him only to then encourage his box obsession; besides, now that Danny’s calmed down slightly he’s fucking tired again.

---

Danny only just managed to find a new tree to sleep in -regardless of the apparent consequences he’s still tree sleeping partly out of spite right now, bad decision or not- when his phone goes off, making him glare down at the caller id, "the fuck you want, Vlad".

"Daniel... did you, and I quote, 'horrifically obliterate my stuff with a cold shoulder the size of Texas's ego'?".

Danny gestures exaggeratedly at his phone, "Oh fuck off, that jackass put me in a wood chipper! I was sleeping!".

"In... in a fudging wood chipper?!? Why would you sleep there? What would possess you to choose to do that?!?”.

"No, you idiot! I was in the tree!". Danny’s slept in many questionable place but nowhere nearly that questionable. Holy fuck.

"Are-", Vlad sighs heavily, "are you telling me one of my mayoral employees just stuck a tree with a teenager in it into a wood chipper without looking first? And that said teen idiotically didn’t notice".

Danny snorts, "yup", and pops the 'p'.

Vlad sighs again, "okay. That's great. Nice to know my employees do their jobs. That man is fired five times over. Your foolishness is nothing new though". What fully happened seems to finally hit the rich fucker, "wait, you went into a wood chipper and you're not completely dead? Daniel?"; oh he sounds so concerned.

Danny stretches out some, "yeah, turns out being turned in flesh pulp and chunky soup, thanks to someone zapping away my intangibility, isn't enough to make me kick the bucket the rest of the way".

"Now, Daniel-".

"Oh don't you 'now, Daniel' me, you fruitloop. I could have just phased away after the rude awakening that was getting my shoulder absolutely obliterated by heavy machinery, but someone made that kinda impossible. I'm surprised my ecto worked enough to even bother with the half-assed reforming attempts", huffing, "Boxy wound up rescuing my sorry ass. Boxy. Using some of my detached fingers to push the off button; it was circular. Am I making you want to throw up your shitty wine yet?".

"Slightly, yes. Your life is a ridiculous nightmare; though finding out that at the very least you won't die from such injuries is appreciated".

"Oh fuck off", Danny smirks, "you should see if you'd survive".

"Not happening, Daniel".

Danny tries to sound as earnest and sickly sweet as possible, "I can help?".

Vlad hangs up on him. Jerk. Danny chuckles down at the phone; today didn't end so badly. He is never telling Jazz about this though, not a chance in hell.

End.

Prompts: Danny learns he can't die from dismemberment. and Danny suddenly finds out that halfa biology is more different from human than he thought and Danny wants to blame this on his generally shitty luck. Maybe on his parents (for all they love him, but still manage to hurt him), on Vlad, on Skulker, on the GIW, or on Clockwork (because Danny knows he can see this and still won't help). But really, he might be dying fully this time, and the only one he can really blame is himself. and The box ghost finds purpose among the stray cats of Amity- they appreciate the cardboard kingdoms he builds them!

#Danny Phantom #phandom #phic phight #phic phight 2023 #danny fenton #vlad #box ghost #dismember #graphic #injuries #danny the immortal #fan fic #phan phic #my writing #blood #gore #phantomphangphucker #gothmoth

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