i stayed busy today. i went to the dentist and the farmer's market, both of which i have thoughts and feelings about i would normally expand upon if i had the energy. at the very least, they helped pass the time.
i don't even know what i did with my afternoon, to be honest. i'm finding it difficult to concentrate on any one thing for very long. i read my book, scrolled aimlessly on the internet/social media, took a nap. i got a couple of responses regarding job interviews which, theoretically, would be promising, but at this point, i'm trying not to get my hopes up.
it was a decent day, average. but as the evening has come, so too has my depression. my roommates are out, which is fine, because i can be miserable in peace. i don't mind being home alone with my cat except for the fact that i don't have the option of going out; i have no friends with whom to do anything worth doing. i think of the potential friendships i have ruined before they even developed since i moved here, bridges burned before they were even fully built, and my heart hurts.
as i prepared dinner, my motivation and mood fell exponentially. i've discovered how to use my roommate's food scale, which they use for roasting and grinding their own coffee beans in a non-disordered way. the obsession, the counting, the measuring, the rigid portioning is just natural at this point. i begrudgingly ate my dinner. now i'm borderline crying in my room. i should have an evening snack-despite rituals and rules, i haven't skipped anything in a while, but i don't want to move and i have no appetite. nothing sounds appealing.
everything just seems worse now that when it all started. the more treatment i've gotten, the worse my behavior has become. trauma anniversary time doesn't help.
i don't want to live like this and i don't want to go back to treatment. stuck in purgatory.
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8:41 AM 1/6/2023
I think I've come to this weird point in my FE3H fandom, where I've just settled into my headcanons and my personal interpretations of what I like about the characters/story. I've become complacent, but content. I'm no longer taking in much input or looking for discourse. I've already had my time in discourse, and I'm full. Now I just want to enjoy FE3H for the parts that give me joy, in the personal interpretations that I have, and focus on the headcanons that I enjoy.
People are going to disagree with my interpretations of FE3H, but I've now accepted that I'm in this fandom, I'm a fan of FE3H, less to interact with the community discourse, but to just enjoy my own headcanons. Sometimes there's still some fun headcannons or input from the community. And there's definitely great fanart and fanfics from the community. But I finally feel strangely less interested in discourse and less intrigued by long essays about divisive FE3H interpretations, especially on more vague points of the story/characters. I just feel kind of strangely content to stay in my bubble.
Which coincidentally, sounds very similar to enjoying a series as a solo fan, vs being part of a fandom. Before I got on broader, fandom-focused social media, I was essentially a solo fan. I wrote fanfics and drew fanart only for myself and no one else ever saw it. Then in my years on fandom-focused social media, I've gotten a lot of joy out of fandom, a sense of community, lots of insightful input, great fics, and beautiful fanart to look at. But in recent years with FE3H, there's just been a lot of divisiveness and a lack of that feeling of community. (With the exception of a few frequent interactors that I'm grateful for. ---Are we Mutuals? I'm not in the habit of Following, so I don't often have Mutuals. But I do have Regulars that I love to see. Thanks, guys.)
The more I stay in FE3H, the more I realize there's just so much breadth to that IP, but I'm happier just staying in only the corners of it that I'm actually interested in. Though I feel like a lot of Fire Emblem fans will chastise me for not taking into account every character, every route, every revelation, every bit of worldbuilding lore, etc., I'm just not interested. I have to be honest with myself. I came into FE3H because of the Dimiclaude shipping, and that's all I really need out of FE3H in order to be happy. And if I'm not getting happiness out of FE3H, then there's no point in me being a fan of it. I'm not interested in parts of the IP outside of my focus, outside of the archetypes and themes that speak to me (even if those archetypes/themes that I'm seeing, are just my own interpretations and headcanons inspired by the source material, more than actual canon). At some point in fandom, I realized that reading-in my own preferences, onto a series, was more important than the actual source material. Interpretation, introspection, and Thought Experiments, are more important than Authorial Intent…and canon. When I see the patterns in what I read-into a series, I can understand myself better, what I'm drawn to, what themes repeat for me, and I can question why that's important to me. I can better know myself. And personally, I think that introspection is more important than Authorial Intent. It's why most of my OTPs have been non-canon ships, why I've developed favorite ship dynamics, favorite archetypes, and favorite story themes. Even if I have to bend interpretations of a character or simply focus on emphasizing specific aspects of a character, I need to bring to the forefront, the parts of an IP that I'm interested in, in order to enjoy it. So what do I need the excess for? Sure, there's sometimes nice flavoring to help fill-out the world, but I don't need to see the whole worldbuilding and full cast in perfect canon, in order to get enjoyment and personal value out of a series.
Now I'm going to piss off people with examples of things in FE3H I'm not interested in:
The Black Eagles
Edelgard von Hresvelg
The Blue Lions
The Faerghus Four
The Ashen Wolves
The Church of Seiros characters
Byleth
any Support that doesn't involve Claude
Honestly, my myopic focus is amusingly shocking sometimes. Like, despite being a Golden Deer fan, I didn't know that Hilda had what some described as xenophobic cutscenes and her family kidnapped Cyril into slavery???? But honestly, I'm only really interested in Claude, so even if I like the Golden Deer, I still haven't invested effort into watching all the Supports for all the Golden Deer. lol But even if the cast members that I like have canon problematic elements, I just am not interested in focusing in on that.
In my headcanons, I'd personally like to focus on:
Dimiclaude.
Bottomitri.
Claude being playful, not flirty. (He can be a little flirty in private, after an established close bond with Dimitri.)
Hilda being Claude's best friend.
Claude characterization.
Claude being a paragon.
Claude being idealistic.
Claude solving conflicts by maintaining hope in idealistic solutions.
Claude being generally the most intelligent person in the room.
Claude always coming out of every conversation in an advantageous position.
Claude's wyvern excessively attached/overprotective of Claude.
Dimitri proving all of Claude's hopes.
Claude eased out of his self-doubts by finding hope through Dimitri just being his naturally altruistic and compassionate self.
Dimitri being earnestly sweet and pure-hearted.
Dimitri being sincere about all his emotions, from his vulnerability and compassion to his rage.
Dimitri eased out of his angst through Claude's insights, support, wisdom, and practical/logical decision-making.
Claude's dream, ideals, and True Strength.
Claude as the best diplomatic leader.
Dimitri as the most compassionate leader.
Dimiclaude just being a vehicle for my comfort ship dynamic of "sapiosexual-bait, trickster, warm, friendly, reassuring, admirable, seme" person A with "emotionally damaged/fragile, sometimes angsty, sometimes darkly relatable, pure-hearted, sincere, earnest, absolutely complete sweetheart, uke" person B.
Hilda and Claude being mischievous together.
Hilda manipulating people and getting away with it.
Hilda and Claude being equally manipulative, and getting away with it.
Leonie being cool, easy going, reliable, nice, and self-secure---like she is in EVERY Support not with Byleth!
Leonie being nonchalantly gender non-conforming.
Marianne, Ignatz, Raphael---heck, all the Golden Deer being sweet, precious babies.
Marianne being gentle and sensitive.
Marianne surrounded by animals.
Everyone being nice to Marianne. I don't want to see anyone being even slightly mean to her!
Ignatz being an artist and appreciating everything.
Ignatz maybe being the only sane Golden Deer, but too timid to sway anyone else to sanity. lol
Ignatz subtly giving reassurances to everyone, frequently.
Raphael being a loud, encouraging, sweetheart to everyone.
Raphael being enthusiastic about everything.
Raphael always knowing what's important in life.
Bullying Lorenz.
Lorenz being the overly responsible friend.
Lorenz exasperated because he thinks he is the only responsible Golden Deer. (He is not.)
Lorenz being proven wrong or caught off guard, then clumsily trying to recover his "noble" dignity. lol
Keeping Lysithea shoved to the background.
Minimizing or erasing Lysithea's abrasive attitude towards others.
Directing Lysithea's abrasive attitude only towards other abrasive characters, like Felix or those people bullying Marianne in 3Hopes.
Lysithea epitomizing that old anime saying "Trying too hard to be mature, is the surest sign of immaturity", by acting childish (insecurely competitive, scared of ghosts, distracted by sweets).
Lysithea being a very relatable fangirl about desserts.
Lysithea dropping (some of) her ego when sweets are involved. (Kind of like Ken in Persona Q2 dropping the "mature" act when bonding with Futaba over tokusatsu.)
Most importantly, Dimiclaude soothing my anxiety.
Honestly, anything else, I'm not really that interested in (anymore). And I've finally come to a point in my fandom, where that's okay. Why should I not simply focus on the parts of the IP that I enjoy? Anything extra can be nice for expanding the worldbuilding (when I run into such extra discourse/analysis), but I don't always need that perspective on Fodlan. All I need is my OTP and why I love them so much. That's the part of FE3H that makes me happy. I've found my bubble and I am content.
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