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#definitely a product of the environment. I think he has ALWAYS been quite insecure but in an environment like this the stakes are amplified
ottiliere · 2 years
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i am absolutely obsessed with your alpha dave because you just hit that itch for me when it comes to the idea of guardians being the worst version of what their kid version could become. i've always wondered that, if the alpha guardians had the same concept the beta guardians did, how would they be-- especially dave, cause the striders relationships with their guardians are always so like. volatile? just the idea of dave growing up with no one to give him proper attention or care or love, (1/2)
and instead of bettering himself he just turns to the constant attention and eyes of the public when he becomes famous, because he NEEDS attention, he needs people to want him and crave him and look up to him and shit. and alpha dave just going down this spiral of doing more and more wack shit to get the public's attention, doing hard drugs with nasty circles he shouldn't be getting himself in, cause he's constantly chasing after the euphoria of people "loving" him. thats all thank you for listening to me go on and on like a maniac. tldr alpha dave being the worst version of who dave can be is an idea i am absolutely obsessed with partially due to your interpretations of him. ur art and ideas are stellar about the striders (2/2)
oh my god I love you. yes this very much how i envision alpha dave to be and it really falls into my stringent devotion to the concept of "universal karma" i.e. where beta dirk strider was so aloof and in his own head alpha dave strider must exist as an extreme direct inverse of that. needy, demanding, overbearing. this man, much like beta dirk, was not built to be a guardian. I think he kind of sucks super bad and it's so awesome. i could go on and on and on about this but I already have another ask in my drafts about him that’s hit 1k words with no end in sight and who knows when that’ll be ready. thank you for your kind observations. picture me smiling at you right now.
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#alpha dave strider#ask#lucy art#I would have given him a coke nail here if I thought I could’ve make it look good#and also. like. tangentially. but very related.#the reason i view him as a cocaine addict isn't just because ohhhh hollywood superstar of course he does drugs#though that definitely enables his access#coke is a death trap for those with no spine and no self esteem because it makes you feel on top of the world.#if you're miserable and spiralling if you're insecure whether or not everyone in the room hates you you can snort a line#and abruptly perceive yourself to be the hottest shit ever#have read stories of many doing coke and thinking they're the life of the party only to be told afterwards that they were being a jackass#there are many such cases of diffident actors becoming cocaine addicts for these reasons#and that everyone hated them for being there#that's fundamentally dave to me#definitely a product of the environment. I think he has ALWAYS been quite insecure but in an environment like this the stakes are amplified#like it's a social game. everything is a social game there. and he is NOT a naturally confident man#the thing is with a lot of the high-profile coke addict actors the thing is like. they're alone. or they perceive themselves to be alone.#alone in hollywood afraid they're just not cutting it not fitting in with the scene not making ''friends''#which is really more attributable to the social scene being so cutthroat and highschoolesque#a bunch of self-centered preps who would be nobodies if they hadn't grown up in wealthy families and shit like that#and I don't think dave would've come from an upbringing like this at all. alienated this guy craves attention and peer approval#doses and mimosas.flac#this is almost opposite of my view of dirk and i often use dave as a tuning fork for him#i had typed up a whole essayramble here and when i saved tumblr wiped out half the tags. did not realize there was a limit.#i suppose i will save to topic i discussed for its own post. thank you all for reading my tags as usual#sorry i edited your three asks into two asks so this post wouldn't get super long. hope you don't mind.
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countdraluka · 3 years
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More headcanons about Alcina being a experimented lesbian, please?
Of course! This ended up as a timeline of Alcina’s identity and romantic life, which was quite fun (and useful) to put down on paper.  
Just as a small disclaimer, I asked this anon to clarify and they said they were referring both to historical shenanigans and more mature headcanons.
Minors should definitely skip this one.
For Novitiate, I write Alcina as having been born on the All Hallows' Eve of 1580, to a Count and Countess belonging to the Transylvanian court. This would mean that she has a little over three centuries of living as an undead creature more than canon Alcina would have, and the environment in which she was raised is also quite different than what we expect for her version in the game. This plays a lot with how she expresses herself and where she is coming from in some of what she does, which can be seen in greater detail in the fic. All this to say that my answer for a more canon-compliant Alcina would not be the same.
Also - for those who may be unaware, in my fic Alcina and Miranda have a complicated and agonizing relationship that is common between sire and childer in Vampire: The Masquerade, one of my sources of inspiration. I also take a horror approach to most things. If references to this upset you, the reader, for any reason, I kindly ask that you give this post a pass. 
On Alcina being a lesbian who crossed oceans of time:
Alcina was never anyone if not unabashedly herself. Her father was actually strangely sure that he would have a firstborn male heir, an idea that endured until hours after Alcina had been born and the family doctor finally delivered the tragic news - not only was it a girl, it was also a gravely ill one. However, not from wholesomeness but from stubbornness at his own fixations, her father raised her almost as if he would have a son. Alcina isn’t pushed into the constraints of her gender until eight years later, at the birth of her first brother. She is obviously not happy about this and becomes even more of what people of her time would call a tomboy.
She was brought up exclusively by tutors and governesses and barely saw her parents. This gives her free reign to explore her own interests without feeling pressure to please anybody but herself. Ever since her childhood she is drawn exclusively to women, and it is thanks to observing a similarly-aligned aunt parade her own dalliances around that she figures out what that means to her. There was no label, then, but the feelings have not wavered.
Her first kiss was a scandalous affair. It happened on the night of her birthday celebrations when she turned fifteen, and it was with none other than the young duchess who would later go on to become her youngest brother’s kept mistress. It came at the cost of a ruby ring Alcina had received as a gift from a marquess - good riddance on that side. Alcina thought it was decent - the duchess knew only to do what she was told - and even considered hiring her as a bedfellow... But then the girl slept with 75% of the men (and like, half the women) in her family and Alcina got salty.
Her second kiss came a few weeks later with one of her mother’s friends from court. Another countess, regrettably married. She was beautiful and experienced, but a bit aggressive and dull. It goes as badly as the situation might suggest. Alcina nearly had her whipped when the woman suggested the two of them go join the husband upstairs. After that, Alcina decides her affections aren’t something she will just hand out to anyone. 
She always thought she would have a grand romance that would last lifetimes. Nonetheless, she figures she ought to be good when the right person does come along, so by her late teens she decides the time has come to practice. As a product of her upbringing, Alcina never saw her staff as more than pieces of property. This means she has no qualms in pushing the ones she finds pretty against a wall and studying how to get the right reactions. They are prohibited from even touching her, never mind reciprocating. The most she will undress is taking off her rings.
She is fine with these one-sided dalliances because she knows how to take care of her needs on her own. That said, by her early twenties it gets a bit frustrating that she has to send the chosen servant away and finish herself off. She does crave affection - there’s just nobody close who is worthy of giving it to her.
Alcina gets involuntarily engaged to a nobleman when she is 23. She throws the fit of a lifetime, becoming both physically and verbally aggressive towards other members of the household, and so to avoid a scandal she gets sent to live in the family’s then-unoccupied castle overlooking their vineyard. The idea was that she would marry and become the castle’s mistress while her husband used his military influence to secure the land, but war breaks out and everything is delayed for years. This is her lowest moment, her illness takes a turn to the worse, and her frustrations bleed into her affections. Here we see how bad a person Alcina can be - and the dungeons have been left unused for too long, in her opinion. 
As soon as she comes to the village, Alcina hears about the local’s “pagan” cult and figures out that she might as well pray to this Dark God. In comes Miranda. Now, Miranda knows who Alcina is and understands her political value straight away - the village needs to be secured from the outside, Miranda has been struggling to keep her power on her own for nearly a thousand years already, and Alcina is just the person to do this with her. Perfect in every sense of the word. On her side, Alcina is deathly lonely and is immediately infatuated with Miranda, to the point where she will do anything to earn her praises. Even go through with the wedding.
This part those who read the fic know. She gets married, kills the husband not an hour later, and gets stabbed in the heart in the process. Miranda saves the day by infecting her. Here we have the third woman Alcina has ever kissed. For the next two hundred years they have this unhealthy dynamic that mixes business, manipulative cult practices, and two women who are so lonely that this bizarre companionship is the only thing keeping them sane. 
Miranda does care, in her own way, but what Alcina craves from a partner is not what she can offer. Alcina, on the other hand, gives a piece of her heart to Miranda and knows she will never get it back. Still, finally having someone she thinks is good enough to reciprocate is an immense relief, even if the two of them are dominant personalities and are constantly at each other’s necks. Together they figure themselves out - Miranda determines she is a stone top, Alcina reasserts her list of “nos” (like penetrative sex), and the two of them bond over how jealous they can get. 
However, Miranda is hardly ever around. This means Alcina has four centuries to perfect her Sanguis Virginis recipe, and just as long to make an art out of deflowering innocent maidens who wander into her claws and draining them of all they have immediately after. It is by no means love - just an outlet for another kind of loneliness - which makes it is as one-sided as before. It also is not very frequent in mortal terms. She has perhaps a couple like this every year. 
On the bright side, with power and more money than she knows what to do with, Alcina creates her perfect little kingdom. She hires a female-only staff, tailors the castle to her (sapphic) tastes, and indulges herself with every piece of media that can distract her from her reality. Then Miranda gives her the daughters after their trip around Europe in 1814 and Alcina is the happiest she has ever been. She also entertains the odd outsider kindred spirit on occasion - the famous Anne Lister is actually the one who gave Alcina the idea of keeping a lock of a lover’s pubic hair as a symbol of affection. Regency folks sure were something. 
Given how slowly the outside world trickles down to the village, Alcina wasn’t really exposed to mortal lesbian culture directly. She probably first reads the term in a magazine from the 30s and is rather pleased with the reference to Sappho, adopting it rather seamlessly. The rest has to come in through the servants. It was one of her foreign gardeners who explained what the bar scene was like in the late 40s and how the terms butch and femme were used. 
Then, in the fated winter of 1959, Alcina meets the Maiden - our well-known Mary Magdalene, terror bombshell on red-soled heels, who Alcina then goes on to make her beloved Countess Maria. And this is it. This is the love and affection and understanding Alcina has been looking for the last 400+ years. She might have had a hundred women flushed beneath her, but this one looks her in the eye, smiles, and unwinds her completely. The fourth and last person she will ever kiss - but she gets to kiss her a million times over, every day for the rest of her undead life, so Alcina is perfectly alright with this fact. 
Their relationship is not all roses, however. With her near-exclusive examples of romance during her childhood being 16th century men and their lovers, or seeing them court and marry and have children, Alcina consequently internalized a lot of this in how she deals with her own genuine affections. She doesn’t envy men nor the traditional family structure - far from it - but one of her great insecurities to this day is not being good enough and depriving her Maiden of things simply because of who she is.
These fears tug at her heart after she meets Maria. Alcina knows how society was in the 50s, especially how her wife’s upbringing was like, so for the first weeks there is a small part of Alcina that goes “Oh god, what if I’m not enough and she decides to leave and have a normal life?”. Maria, cunning as she is, figures out what is happening super quickly - because hey, she is experienced in her own way and knows how common that narrative can be. So they work it out together. This also ties back to Alcina’s reluctance over her mutations, which messes with her perception of her body a fair amount, but luckily Maria lovingly reassures her and finds ways to build up Alcina’s confidence in this aspect so that it matches the rest of her. So, yes, Maria will ride the dragon. Literally and even more literally if given the chance. And if any fools dare call their sex life “questionable” she will use her Mold powers to turn their nervous system into paste before Alcina can even get her claws out.  
Anon also sent an additional ask with these two specific questions:
When she was single, how did she decide which maids to have sex with? 
It was a mixture of what she was craving in terms of blood and who fit her mood for the evening. Though she certainly prefers a partner who isn’t afraid to bite back, most times she was too exhausted and just wanted something pretty to break without having the struggle of chasing prey around. She does have a thing for blondes, though, so there was perhaps a preference for that. 
Did she ever deflower a maiden?
Yes, that is something she has done frequently. In fact, all of the women she has actually slept with were what society considers virgins. This includes Miranda - who was a nun before her infection and then never had time for romances - and Maria. 
And... Wow, this was fun to write. I feel like I could have kept going, so feel free to send in more asks. 
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naminethewriter · 3 years
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Vacation
This is my entry for the @sandersidesbigbang! I had a lot of fun participating 🥰 Thanks to all the mods for organizing this! Also huge thanks to @just-a-pintrovert & @5-falsehoods-phonated for beta reading 💙 There is also some artwork also from @just-a-pintrovert here! They did a fantastic job and I highly recommend you check out her blog! And now, enjoy!
Here on Ao3
Characters: Patton, Virgil, Roman, Janus, Logan, Remus
Relationships: platonic Intrulogical, platonic Prinmoxiety, platonic Moceit
Rating: T
Words: 12,502
Summary:  Logan doesn't show up for breakfast one morning, leaving behind a letter declaring he's going on vacation. Unsure of its authenticity, Roman, Patton and Virgil go to look for him on Remus' side of the Imagination with a certain snake as their guide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It started out like any other day. Patton entered the kitchen around 7 in the morning to prepare breakfast. Logan should join him soon, then Roman around an hour later and Virgil after that. When exactly was hard to say, the anxious side’s sleep schedule was the most inconsistent, but most of the time he was up last. Today Patton wanted to make an extra special breakfast since their discussion the day before had gotten a bit out of hand and nobody walked away from it happy. He just hoped all his kiddos would show up. 
Half an hour later that fear proves to be warranted. Logan still hasn’t come down. Patton had even checked the coffee machine to make sure he hadn’t missed him. But it was still as clean as he had left it yesterday. Nervously his eyes flicker from the stove to the clock and over to the stairs before he focuses on making breakfast again, but his eyes would stray every few seconds. 
Five minutes later he finally hears movement upstairs. Logan probably had been exhausted yesterday and stayed in bed a bit longer than usual. Someone was coming down the stairs now and Patton turns around with a big smile, expecting Logan but coming across Virgil instead. 
“Oh,” Patton says, his smile slipping. But he immediately catches the insecure look on Virgil’s face at his reaction. “Sorry, kiddo,” he laughs, trying his best to seem cheerful. “I thought you were Logan, but I’m happy to see you, too! It’s quite early for you though. Did you not sleep well?” Now that he takes a closer look, Patton can see the tiredness on Virgil’s face, who gives him a weak smile. 
“Morning, popstar. I just woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep so I figured might as well get up, y’know?” He moves over to the coffee machine, looking at it confused for a few seconds before he seems to realize what else Patton had said. “Logan wasn’t here yet?” 
“I don’t think so,” Patton shakes his head, his eyes now fixed on the stove so that Virgil doesn’t see the concern across his face. “I’m sorry there’s no coffee, you know I’m no good at making some.” He tries to play it off as a joke with a laugh but even he knows it’s not convincing. Virgil hovers at the coffee machine, unsure of what to do, how to comfort Patton. Instead, he moves to make the coffee himself and trying to cheer the other up with words. 
“It’s fine, Pat. I can do it and I’m sure Lo’s gonna come down soon. We all had a lot to think about yesterday… Maybe he just needs some more time to think it through again this morning. But you know how he is, he’ll come down and act like it was nothing later. You’ll see.” At the end of his little ramble, the machine is in the process of brewing and Virgil gives Patton a short hug before moving to set the table. 
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Patton mumbles, more to himself than to Virgil and continues to work on breakfast. 
Around 20 minutes later, Roman arrives, a lot more energized than Virgil had been. “What a wondrous morrow! ‘Tis a day to sing and dance, I say!” Both Patton and Virgil chuckle at his boasting. 
“Good morning to you too, Roman,” Patton greets as he pulls him into a loose hug before going back to distribute their breakfast onto the plates Virgil had sat out. 
“I’m surprised to see you arrive before me, Doom-and-Gloom,” Roman says to Virgil while preparing his own mug of coffee. The other had taken seat on the counter after finishing his part of breakfast preparations and watched Patton work the rest of the time while slowly nursing his coffee (I say slowly but he is already working on his second mug). Virgil just shrugs. 
“Couldn’t get back to sleep.” Roman hums in acknowledgment and then silence falls over the kitchen, only Patton scurrying around is heard. Not long however before Patton cheerfully announces: “Breakfast is ready!” 
“Wonderful!” Roman exclaims loudly. “What a marvelous feast you prepared for us, padre!” Patton giggles. 
“Thank you for the compliment, my prince.” 
“My, of course! What kind of ruler would I be if I couldn’t appreciate my subjects!” 
“A pretty standard one,” Virgil adds with a small smile. Roman huffs. 
“Only more proof that I am exceptional.” 
“That you are, Roman,” Patton laughs, but he sobers up suddenly, now looking worried again. 
“What’s wrong, padre? Tell me your worries and I shall strike them down with my sword!” Roman proclaims loudly in hopes of banning that expression from Patton’s face. The other gives him a small smile before looking over to the stairs. 
“Logan still hasn’t come down. I’m sure it’s nothing, but I’m worried,” he explains. Roman quickly looks towards the stairs as well, this is the first he’s heard of their nerd not arriving this morning. It wasn’t unusual for Logan to go back upstairs after having his first cup of coffee, opting to get a bit more work done before the rest of them get up. But not coming down at all was rare. A glance towards Virgil shows him that the anxious side is worrying his bottom lip, eyeshadow a bit darker than normal. Roman places both his hands on Patton’s shoulders in a reaffirming grip and smiles at him. 
“I’m sure our nerd just got lost in a book or something. I shall go fetch him at once.” 
“Thank you,” Patton says with a small smile that Roman returns before he heads back up the stairs. Logan’s room was the one furthest away from the common area. He’d always reasoned that he didn’t want any of the noise to travel to his door and Roman could see his point. Logan was the only one of them that stuck to a regulated sleep schedule and was often the first one to retire back upstairs. And sometimes Patton, Virgil and himself could forget to be quiet afterwards so choosing the longer distance was reasonable. Roman finally arrives at the door to the logical side’s room and was about to knock when something catches his eye. Rather it is hard to overlook. Taped to the door is a thin, dark blue folder that stands out against the light brown wood of the door. On the front ‘To Patton, Roman and Virgil’ is written. With furrowed brows, Roman pulls the folder off the door and opens it, scanning the first page before hurrying back downstairs. 
“Guys!” he calls out, halfway down the stairs, apparently interrupting a conversation between the left-behind sides. They don’t look bothered by it however but rather concerned at his sudden re-entrance without the side he was supposed to get. 
“What’s wrong?” Patton asks, voice rising in concern. Roman just hands them the folder. Virgil takes it since Patton seems to be shaking from the nerves and flips it open. The first page was a simple, printed letter that read: 
Good morning fellow sides. 
After the conclusion of yesterday’s discussion, I have decided to finally 
follow through with something I had planned for a while now: 
I am going on vacation. 
In the last few months, following Janus’ acceptance and further involvement 
in our daily lives, the tension in our group has been rising and I must say, 
it figuratively suffocates me. Any attempts to resolve said tension has been 
disapproved of and you continue to disregard my contributions to various 
problems. I cannot work in this environment any longer. I have finished  
Thomas’ schedule for the next two weeks. I did my best to consider your 
and Janus’ previously given advice to ensure that it covers selfcare and  
productivity. If you want to make changes, go ahead but do not complain 
to me if it does not work out as you hoped. I have done my part now. I am 
not sure when I will return but I should not be gone longer than those two 
weeks. Do not summon me unless it is a life-or-death situation. I have  
prepared a place to stay and I am being provided for. I will continue to keep  
an eye on Thomas regardless but I do not see any need to appear in person. 
I wish you a pleasant time, 
Logan Logic Sanders 
Silence hung over the three for a few moments. 
“You think he’s pranking us?” Patton finally askes. Roman hums in consideration but Virgil scoffs. 
“Since when is Logan a prankster?” He pulls out the other sheets of paper from the folder. “These are definitely from him; I doubt even Deceit could fake them so accurately.” Truly, the schedule was color-coded and formatted in a manner that was very familiar. Roman pulls the papers out of Virgil’s grasp. He quickly scans it and whistles appreciatively. 
“This really is his best one yet, I must say.” 
“Where do you think he went?” Patton askes, his gaze fixed on the stairs. “He wrote he’s being provided for but what does that even mean?” The other two could immediately tell how worried he was. They exchange a quick glance and Roman puts a hand on Pat’s shoulder. 
“Well, there aren’t many places he could be... Him staying here in the mindscape would defeat the purpose of going on vacation. He could have gone to the dark side but I doubt that, it felt like he’s avoiding Deceit as well and if he’s in the imagination, I should be able to tell but I can’t feel him there...”  
“Where did you find this anyway?” Virgil askes and holds up the folder. 
“It was taped to his door.” 
“So you didn’t actually check his room, right?” Roman brightens. 
“I did not! Great idea, Hot Topic. Let’s go!” He runs back upstairs. 
“How does he have so much energy in the morning?” Virgil groans but he follows after him, Patton in tow. When they arrive upstairs, Logan’s door is wide open and Roman could be heard humming inside. Virgil immediately pales. 
“Princey, what the fu-” He glances at Patton. “-frick are you doing?” he hisses, not crossing the threshold. Roman, who was currently going through the papers on Logan’s desk, shoots him a look. 
“Searching for clues, like you suggested.” 
“I never said that!” 
“You said to check his room!” 
“I meant knock to see if he’s in here, not waltz in and go through his stuff!” 
“Why are you whisper-hissing? Logan’s not here, I already checked his bathroom, closet and under the bed.” 
“Why would you-? Ugh, never mind,” Virgil groans and does cautiously enter the room, followed by Patton who looks around curiously. 
“I haven’t really been in here for ages!” he gasps. Virgil furrows his brows. 
“You go to his room all the time though?” 
“Yeah, sure, to check on him. He doesn’t really invite me in though and I don’t wanna pry...” He takes another look around, this time more apprehensively. “It feels kinda wrong to be in here. Without his permission, I mean.” 
“That’s what I’m saying!” Virgil exclaims, biting at a nail nervously. “C’mon, we verified he’s not here, let’s go.” 
“Verified? Boy, the nerd’s room’s already getting to you, huh?” Roman scoffs and lays back a few papers he doesn’t find interesting. “And we haven’t found any clues yet, leaving would be a waste.” 
“Roman, we are not here to snoop through Logan’s stuff. We just wanted to confirm that he is not here.” Patton scolds, both he and Virgil are already back by the door. Roman rolls his eyes. 
“Hold on, I’m almost done. How is it that I’m the one who’s been in here the longest but I’m the least affected by the room?” he mumbles a bit loudly to not be intentional while checking around the desk. 
“No, Sherlock Homeinvader, we’re leaving,” Virgil insists, presses the folder he was still holding on to in Patton’s hands and goes over to him to drag him back himself as Roman dramatically gasps. 
“What do we have here?” he asks even more dramatically and bends down, grabbing something out of what appears to be Logan’s trash can. Virgil nose wrinkles. 
“Disgusting, dude.” 
“Relax, it’s just a bunch of paper. Well, paper and this!” He holds up a container. A very familiar container. Pickled Poo Logs, Remus’ favored snack. Easily recognizable by his face at the top, though there are dicks doodled over the rest of the label. Virgil immediately snatches it out of his hand. 
“Remus was here?” Patton hesitantly comes over to take a look himself. “Maybe Logan was just curious about it? He gets like that sometimes, you know?” His nervous tone sabotages his attempt at lightening the mood, especially since he doesn’t sound convincing, even to himself. 
“With dicks drawn all over it? No, Nerdy Wolverine would have asked for a clean one,” Roman comments and turns the case over in his hands, inspecting it. 
“You think Remus kidnapped him?” Virgil asks, panicked. 
“Considering the folder, unlikely. Oh, there’s the room’s effect!” Roman hums, pleased. “No, it is unlikely that Logan left involuntarily but he may have been tricked. Remus is an idiot but he’s not totally stupid. And he kind of fixated on our braincell after his introductory video.”  
“What has Remus done now?” calls an exasperated voice from the door. All three of them spin around to see Janus leaning against the doorframe, inspecting his gloved fingers with a small smirk on his lips. Virgil growls at him immediately and Janus rolls his eyes in response. “Oh, yes, please do keep acting like a guard dog, Virgil, it is so becoming of you.” Before he could snap back, Patton lays a hand on Virgil’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him. He continues glaring but falls silent.
“Hello Janus, what brings you here?” Patton asks, trying to sound cheerful but even to Roman and Virgil it sounds forced. It doesn’t fool Janus for even a second.
“I went to the kitchen to make my morning cup of tea and no one else was there as usual so I decided to come up here for no reason at all.” His smirk stays however he seems to eye Patton very carefully who laughs nervously in response.
“Oh, sorry about that. We didn’t mean to worry you.”
“Oh, I wasn’t worried, merely… curious. You lot seldomly break your morning routine, especially Logan, so seeing him in particular absent from this group despite us being all gathered here in his room, I do wonder what is going on. Care to enlighten me?”
“We don’t care to. This is none of your business, leave Deceit!” Virgil practically spits. Janus tuts and shakes his head.
“On the contrary, dear Virgil, if this does indeed involve Remus, it is entirely my business. He has been acknowledged by Thomas, not accepted. It is still a part of my duty to reign him in from time to time. To make sure he does not hurt Thomas’ mental health excessively.”
“Oh yeah, you did a great job of that before the wedding,” Roman scoffs. Janus glares at him.
“In that instance I let him looser than normal precisely to protect Thomas’ mental health in the long run. He was pushing himself too much, acknowledging Remus’ presence was supposed to help him clear his head a little,” he hisses and Virgil snorts.
“That worked out so well.”
“Sssssshhut up!”
“Kiddos! Please, let’s not fight, we have more pressing things to deal with right now!” Virgil and Roman grumble but don’t interject. Janus looks defensive, still glaring at the two of them. “Logan is missing,” Patton continues. “He left us this note but it’s so unlike him, we aren’t sure if we should trust it. While we checked his room, Roman found one of Remus’ deodorants, so we suspect he might be involved somehow.” Apparently deciding to abandon his staring match with Virgil, Janus walks over to Patton and lays a hand on his shoulder.
“I understand the situation. Could I look at the note and the deodorant, please?”
“Oh, sure,” Patton says with a light blush and hands over the folder. Janus quietly thanks him before thumbing through the pages. The letter he looks at last.
“Ah, yes. I did indeed warn him about his habit to overwork himself a few times recently. If he is taking a break, then I am more inclined to let him do so.”
“We don’t want to stop him from taking a break!” Patton hastily clarifies. “We’re just worried about the how. We don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. And if Remus is involved, I don’t know how much of a break he is really getting…” He trails off at the end, staring at his feet. Janus hums and quickly walks over to Roman to pluck the deodorant out of his hands.
“Hey!” The prince protests, but Janus doesn’t pay him any mind. Instead, he looks over the case in his hand. Once he was finished, he drops it back into Roman’s hands who squawks at him offendedly.
“From recent conversations, it did seem like Remus was getting rather attached to Logan and I don’t think they have a bad relationship. It might very well be that Logan asked the Duke for his help in this matter.”
“As if,” Virgil pouts, though he doesn’t sound entirely convinced of that himself. Janus ignores him.
“But if you feel like you need to check then I do have an idea where to look.” Patton beams at him.
“Really? Could you take us? Right now??”
“No way am I going anywhere with that snake!” Roman yells. “He might just be leading us into a trap!” Janus gives him an unimpressed look.
“And why would I do that? My job is to make sure Thomas’ mental health is in good shape. Getting all of you injured, or whatever you imagine I would want to do to you, would be nothing but counterproductive.”
“Like I believe that!”
“Regardless,” Janus says to brush off Roman’s protest who in turn only seems to get angrier, “I am afraid you do not have much of a choice. If the two are where I think they are, then you have no chance of getting there without a guide.”
“I can navigate Remus’ side of the Imagination just as well as my own, I do not need your help, Jack the Fibber!”
“I do not doubt that my prince. However, that place in particular is designed to keep unwanted visitors out. I doubt you would even find it, not to mention getting inside.”
“And what place would that be?” Virgil hisses before Roman can start yelling again.
“The library.”
“Remus… has a library?” Patton asks, doubt clear in his voice.
“No, he doesn’t. The fact that you do not know about it just proves my point. It is one of the most fortified buildings Remus has ever created. The layout constantly changes, there are traps and monsters roaming the halls.”
“If the layout changes, then why do you think you could take us there?” Patton interjects.
“Because there is one path that leads to the actual library within, and I mean only one path. Make one wrong turn or otherwise go off course and you will not find your way out easily. I got lost only once and I do not recommend it.”
“And why should we believe you?” Roman challenges, head raised high. Janus seems amused by his stubborn antagonism.
“I do not care if you believe me or not. You are the ones that want to check on Logan. I am only offering to take you since I had planned to go there soon anyway. And I need to see what Remus is doing from time to time. You can come along or not, it is totally. Up. To. You.” Janus emphasizes the last words by poking Roman lightly in the chest after each syllable, all the while smirking up at him. Roman continues to glare but he couldn’t quite repress the slight flush of his cheeks at Janus’ proximity. The snakelike side laughs lightly before making his way back to the door.
“I will leave after breakfast. You do what you think is right,” he calls over his shoulder before disappearing back down the hallway, leaving the others in silence.
“He has got to be tricking us, right?” Virgil growls after a few seconds. Roman nods in agreement but Patton looks thoughtful.
“I don’t think so. He has no reason to.”
“He’s Deceit, Patton. It’s all he knows.”
“Look, I know you both had your differences with him and I’m still adjusting too, but Janus is an integral part of Thomas, we cannot deny that anymore. I am sure he does not want anything truly bad to happen to any of us, so if this is a trick then it is probably only a small prank.” Virgil and Roman share a look of disbelief but Patton doesn’t stop there. “And besides, what other options do we have? Sit around and hope that Logan is truly okay? Or comb through Remus’ side on our own? Your powers barely work over there Roman, and the place is not small, right?”
“Right,” Roman admits with a sigh after a few seconds of silence. “And I am worried about Nerdy Wolverine, if we don’t do anything about this, I will go stir crazy, so I guess I can try and trust that snake for a bit.”
“Thank you, Ro!” Patton pulls him into a hug, beaming. Roman chuckles and pats his back.
“Yeah, yeah, anything for you, padre.” He turns to Virgil. “Are you going to come along?”  
“…Fine,” Virgil grumbles, still clearly unhappy about the situation. “But if it turns out that he’s up to something, I am totally going to tell you ‘I told you so’.” Roman rolls his eyes.
“Sure, whatever makes you happy, Emo Nightmare.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The track through Remus’ side of the Imagination hadn’t been pleasant. The atmosphere was tense and Patton’s attempts to lighten the mood didn’t cheer anyone up. Roman and Virgil did their best to ignore Janus and the deceitful side himself accepted their stubbornness quietly. Only Patton really talked, though even he gave up after a while. Thankfully, they didn’t come across any of Remus’ monsters but the landscape they had to track through was nightmarish enough and won’t be discussed here. Now they stood before their apparent goal.
“This… is it?” Roman asks, doubtfully. The building in front of them is a rather cliché-looking mansion from horror games. It is a wide, stone structure with two floors that seems to have high ceilings. It’s dark and intimidating looking though on closer inspection, the construction style seems to change randomly. A different kind of stone here, another window frame there. Apparently, Remus stitched together different buildings and haphazardly added details wherever it pleased him. For example, the house of Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas is sticking out of the roof, completely intact but just… there.
What stands out most though, is the glass dome further back on the building. Not because it is the most impressive but because it’s the only thing that is illuminated, emitting a soft yellow glow. All the other windows are pitch black.
“Not satisfied, Roman?” Janus smirks.
“Well, yes. I expected more from my brother’s so-called masterpiece!”
“I definitely called it his masterpiece,” Janus says as he rolls his eyes. “And the interior is the more impressive part. The exterior Remus changes every so often when he gets new inspiration. I think the last remodeling came after Thomas researched that giant lady and the game she’s in.”
“You mean the one you stole your skirt look from?” Virgil smiles, mischievously.
“Yes, because my look wasn’t almost finished by the time Thomas found out about her!” Janus hisses at him with a glare. Virgil shows him his tongue.
“Kiddos, please stop. We’re here for Logan, let’s concentrate!” Patton tries to encourage teamwork but again is not really successful.
“Ugh, fine,” Virgil scoffs and glares at Janus one last time before turning back to the building in front of them.
“Let’s just get this over with. Remus’ side always gives me chills,” Roman complains.
“Very well.” Janus adjusts his gloves before clearing his throat. “Once we enter, as I haven’t told you before, there is one path we need to follow, so I need you to listen to my instructions carefully and let me take the lead. I know it’s very hard for you to go along with other people’s plan but trust me on this one, Roman.” He grins over at the prince whose face is turning red in anger. Before he can explode, Patton steps in.
“No provocation from you either, Janus! If we have to rely on you as you say, then make an effort to be reliable in return!” He leans close to Janus and pouts, giving him his best I’m-disappointed-in-you-and-I-know-you-can-do-better look.
“Alright, alright, I’ll stop as well.” Janus waves him off. “The instructions can be stupidly specific sometimes, at one point we will have to stick to one side of a corridor, for example, but there will also be traps, distractions and monsters. Though – and make sure to remember that – nothing truly dangerous can access the path. So even if something comes charging at us, I need you to stay calm and not run around like headless chickens. I will not save you from your own stupid decisions.”
“Oh yes, so trustworthy. Thank you greatly for your generosity.” Roman rolls his eyes and Patton shots him a slight glare, making him huff but refrain from further comments. Janus ignores him completely.
“Our goal is the dome and usually it should take not over half an hour to arrive there.” Now Roman looks sceptic for a different reason.
“If we just need to get to the dome then can’t we just climb the building and get in from the roof?”
“Oh yes, what a great plan, I can’t believe I have never thought of that before!” Janus exclaims, hand on his heart but quickly drops the act. “The interior and exterior aren’t connected like that. Since Remus shifts the inside around as much, no window or door – other than the main entrance – connect to a specific room. It will just drop you randomly somewhere in the mansion. And as I’ve stated before, that is not something you want to happen. So no, we can’t do this like a heist movie.” Roman looks angry again but doesn’t comment. Patton pats him on the shoulder (which only seems to sour his mood more) before addressing Janus.
“Alright, we will follow your lead.” he says with a smile. Janus nods at him stiffly before moving towards the front door without another word, the others following behind him with tense expressions (though Patton tries, and fails, to hide his).
The door to the mansion is made of a heavy, red wood that Janus pushes open without hesitation. Behind it lies… a rather normal looking entrance hall. There is a long carpet that leads to the grand staircase in the middle of the room. A chandelier hangs from the ceiling and the decoration is tasteful. Or rather, it used to be. As impressive as the hall is, it is rotting away. There’s dust everywhere, as well as spiderwebs and the air is thick and unpleasant.
“This place has so much potential if my brother bothered to take care of it,” Roman huffs as he looks around. Janus doesn’t respond but instead gives more instructions.
“Follow behind me in a line. And please do walk next to each other, that wouldn’t be risky at all.” After saying that, he moves toward the back of the hall, left of the staircase where a door is situated. “Behind here is where the dangerous path starts. Be. Very. Careful,” Janus stresses, looking back at the others who had followed him.
“Will do!” Patton responds, with faux cheerfulness. Roman and Virgil sigh but they do line up. Their marching order is Janus, Patton, Virgil and Roman in the back. The first few hallways and rooms they pass aren’t all that bad. They have a few disgusting gimmicks – bleeding walls, gooey carpets, a mirror that insults you when you stand before it – but nothing too severe. The first truly shocking room (though it really should have been expected, in hindsight) they come across is…
“Is this the playroom from Fifty Shades of Grey?” Virgil asks after they all simply stared at the contents of the room for a few moments.  
“Thomas hasn’t even seen that movie!” Roman exclaims, very red in the face. He is also holding Patton’s glasses to protect his purity while Virgil holds his hand while he is effectively blind. Janus shrugs his shoulders.
“The scene has been referenced in enough videos and interviews that we have a basic understanding of what happened in it. And that might have been where Remus got the idea from, but he definitely modified it to be more to his taste. It is a room for BDSM though.”
“How… How do you know that?” Roman asks, still very much embarrassed.
“… Just be grateful that there are no people in here today,” is all Janus is willing to admit before heading towards the door that allows them to continue. The corridor behind it is dimly lit and a few lights even flicker. Janus leads them on confidently, the others follow him back in line and with Patton’s glasses returned to their owner. However, the creepy feeling of the hallway has Patton continue to cling onto Virgil’s hand, who is the side of the group most comfortable with horror. Roman has one hand on his sheathed sword – that he had strapped to his side before they entered Remus’ side of the imagination – and the other has a tight grip on Virgil’s hoodie. The anxious side isn’t very happy about how the two clinging to him limits his movement, but he can understand their worries, so he lets it slide.
“Did you hear that?” Patton squeaks out and for a moment Virgil doesn’t know what he means before a thump echoes down the hallway. They freeze, bringing Roman to a stop behind them.
“What’s wro- “
“Shhhhhh!” The rumbling becomes louder and now Janus notices that they had stopped following. He, unlike Roman can guess as to why so he just waits ahead in slight annoyance. He had warned them before entering, he won’t tell them again. By now Roman had caught on and he grips the sword tightly, ready to draw.
Ahead of them, a monster comes around the corner. It has the body of a gorilla and walks on all fours, but its head is that of a snake and a pair of wings grow from its back. That would have been enough to scare Patton, maybe even Roman, but the most noticeable and gruesome attribute of the monster were its injuries. Maybe it was supposed to be a kind of zombie, since there are large chunks of flesh missing from its gorilla body, other patches lacked fur and again others ooze a liquid that may have been blood if it wasn’t so obviously sticky.  
The snake head isn’t fairing much better. It misses some scales and there are a few black spots that might have been burn marks. One of the wings seems undamaged though its partner looks all the worse for it. There are hardly any feathers left and the bones that are now left exposed seem broken in a few places and hang limply in a way that looks very, very wrong.
The monster spots them easily, makes a noise that sounds vaguely like a mix of a hiss and a roar and charges at them. Roman curses quietly and quickly pushes Virgil and Patton behind him. Janus looks unbothered, he is leaning against the wall and waits for it to be over. The monster gains more and more speed (considering the length of the corridor, it doesn’t make sense how long the charge takes), sprinting at them, until – oh so suddenly – it collides with something and crashes to the ground. Roman, Virgil and Patton stare at it with open mouths.
“I told you: as long as we stick to the path, nothing can hurt us,” Janus explains nonchalantly before resuming his way down the corridor, towards the beast that twitches on the ground. The others stare at it a moment longer before they hurry after Janus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next few corridors and rooms were not all that difficult. One hallway was filled with spike traps that they had to avoid, and they passed three different torture rooms, all with different equipment. Janus explained that Remus liked to separate them by era and country, so he had, for example, one room filled with torture instruments used in the witch hunts in Germany from 1550 to 1650. And while they weren’t nice to look at, the rooms were empty and so it was left to their own imaginations as to how the instruments might have been used.
The next impactful incident happens in a corridor with a ceiling that falls down and crushes everyone beneath it. To avoid it, Janus told them to stick as close to the right wall of the hallway as possible. Their pace is significantly slower this way but none of them wanted to be squished so they carefully set one foot in front of the other.
“We’re almost there,” Janus calls to the others. The passage isn’t all that long but with the literally looming threat, it sure feels like it.
“Pat, you’re not stepping right,” Virgil hisses and pulls him more to the side.
“Sorry!” the moral side squeaked. “I think my glasses are smudged a bit. It makes it hard to see.”
“Oh, sorry, padre. That might have been me when I held them for you,” Roman apologizes.
“It’s alright, kiddo. I do it myself all the time.”
“Well, better clean them before one of your feet get crushed. Everyone stop!” Virgil commands and though he seems annoyed, Janus complies. Patton gives them an apologetic smile before taking his glasses off to wipe them clean with his shirt as best as he can.
Unable to hold still, Roman shuffles a bit on the ground and that’s when he makes a mistake. One of his feet lands too far away and a click comes from the ceiling. With a whoosh and a bang, part of the ceiling comes down. Virgil startles so bad that he lunges forward a bit, upsetting Patton’s balance and sending him to the floor, taking Janus with him. Thankfully, they don’t trigger another trap, but Patton’s glasses fall to the ground and skitter down the hallway.
“Are you alright?” Virgil asks, frantically, moving to help Patton up.
“I’m fine, but my glasses…”
“Do not worry, I will get them back for you!” Roman proclaims before starting to climb over Virgil and Patton still on the floor to get to the front.
“Watch it, Prince Douche!”
“I am, Emo Bitch!”
“Language!”  
Roman manages to get past both of them and Janus before the latter grips his arm to stop him.
“Don’t!” he hisses. Roman eyes him skeptically.
“And why not, oh Great Deceiver?” he mocks.
“Because we need to make a right here! The glasses are off the path!” Understanding blooms on Roman’s face and he looks back towards the glasses, a few feet away from the crossing they need to take.
“I can’t just grab them real quick and come back?”
“No. Once you’re off the path you can’t just turn around. I doubt you’ll even be able to still see us then.”
“It’s okay,” Patton calls from the back. He and Virgil are back on their feet. “I have a spare pair in my room, if you guide me, I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
“Again, I’m so sorry, Padre.”
“Please stop apologizing, it’s really fine, promise!” Patton smiles but his eyes are obviously not focusing on Roman and it’s apparent just how little he can see like this.
“Well, if you’re sure,” Virgil mumbles and leads him forward and into the crossing where they are safe from more falling ceilings.
“It’s not fine,” Janus suddenly speaks up. All eyes turn to him (or where Patton thinks he is). “We’re almost at the library but Remus, as charming as he is, of course made the last stretch the most annoying. Most of the time it’s a ladder we will need to climb with traps all over them to try and get you to fall over and over and over again. I can warn you about the ones I spot but if Patton can’t see them himself, he won’t be able to avoid them properly. We need to get his glasses somehow…”
The three with working eyes pondered for a bit before Roman speaks up.
“I think Virgil might be able to reach if he lays on the ground…”
“Why me?!”
“You’re the tallest.”
“By a few inches at best!”
“Well, those few inches might just be what we need here,” Janus chimes in and Virgil glares at him.
“C’mon, Beetlejuice, you want to get out of here, right? And we can’t leave Patton behind.”
“Really, kiddos, it’s fine! I’ll manage… somehow.”
“Yes, keep saying that, it’s sooo helpful!”
“Don’t take it out on him!”
“Just stop it!” Roman yells over the chaos. “Virgil please. I’ll hold on to your foot, it’ll be fine!” Virgil eyes him for a moment before he sighs.
“Fine but you use that,” he taps against Roman’s sash, “to secure my foot. I don’t trust your milky hands.”
“Milky?!”
“Ugh, just do it!” Janus groans and is met with two glares for his effort but both Roman and Virgil get to work. With the red band firmly bound around Virgil’s shoe and Roman’s hand, the former carefully lies on the floor. Just as he is about to start robbing over to the glasses, a door down the hallway opens and a figure emerges. Virgil stares at it in disbelief.
“Why Pyramid Head?!” Indeed, the creature now slowly making its way toward them, knife dragging across the floor, was the iconic monster from Silent Hill 2. Janus is the first to regain his composure.
“At least he’s slow! Quickly grab the glasses before he gets over there!”
“Easy for you to say- “
“Stop arguing, please,” Patton begs from his position against the wall of the next corridor they would traverse. Virgil grumbles under his breath but makes his way forward. And so does Pyramid Head.
It’s like watching a (very slow) head-to-head race toward the finish line. Robbing forward on his stomach, Virgil is about as fast as Pyramid Head’s walking speed. Inch by inch, Virgil gets closer to the reach of the gigantic knife still dragging along the floor. The creature doesn’t even need to get to him, just close enough to swing its weapon.
Virgil’s ankle leaves the path as he gets close enough to try and reach the glasses. And if Pyramid Head used its blade right now, it might have a chance to hit but still it moves forward, into a position where it is more likely to strike true.
Virgil’s fingertips hit the frame. Just a little bit more. Half of his foot is still within the barrier. Roman has a firm grip on the sash. Virgil’s hand closes around the glasses and Pyramid Head raises his knife to swing down.
“Got them!”
“Janus! Help me pull him back!” Roman calls as he holds Virgil’s shoe with his tied-up hand and places the other on his ankle. Immediately, the other is beside him, grabs onto his arms and pulls. And not a second too late. The knife lands where Virgil’s head had been moments before, and Roman and Janus fall onto their asses while Virgil is trying to catch his breath and to not go into a full-blown anxiety attack.
“What happened?? Are you okay?” Patton calls over, worriedly.
Roman lets out a breathless, unbelieving laugh and collapses onto his back, the adrenaline rushing through him. Which turned out to be good because as soon as his head hits the ground, a click comes from the ceiling once again.
“Shit-!” Quickly Roman rolls to the side before his head is flattened by the trap. He must’ve moved within its range by an inch. Janus stares at him in disbelief.
“How are you alive?”
“I’m too fabulous to die.” The ridiculous response got Virgil to laugh and forget his panic for long enough to calm down.
“Guys?” Again, Patton tries to get their attention.
“We’re all fine, Pat. And I’ve got your glasses, hold on.” Virgil climbs to his feet, wipes the lenses on his hoodie to clean them as best he could before heading over to Patton and pushing them onto his nose. “How’s that?” Patton doesn’t answer, just pulls him into a hug.
“Thanks, kiddo.”
“Um… Sure. No problem,” Virgil mumbles nervously. Patton gives him a smile before looking over to the other two that are in the process of standing up. On the other side of the barrier, Pyramid Head has lost interest and was now moving away again. The sides pay him no mind.
“Well, that wasn’t so bad, right?” Roman comes over to Virgil and Patton with a grin, Janus on his heels.
“Speak for yourself, princey. I’m so ready to get out of here.”
“I’m having so much fun with this. Let’s go, sadly, we’re almost there.” Janus takes the lead once again and the others follow. They pass through one more room, a laboratory of sorts with lots of blood on most of the surfaces (thankfully, the floor is mostly clean), before they enter what seems to be an elevator shaft. And indeed, the only way forward is a ladder.
“How surprising,” Janus mutters under his breath before turning back toward the others. “As I’ve said before, this part is not really dangerous, but pretty annoying. There will be traps to try and get you to fall but even if you do, you will fall slowly. Remus implemented this more as a prank than anything else. I’ll tell you about what I spot but we may need several tries.”
“Okay, we’ll trust you to not let us down,” Patton says with a wink. Janus stares at him with a blank look.
“That was terrible.” Then he starts to climb, Patton after him, then Virgil and Roman is in the back again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They do indeed need more than five tries to get to the top. It was especially annoying that Patton fell for the same trap twice, requiring the rest to wait where they were until he climbed up again. Their arms are gonna be sore tomorrow for sure. But they had finally made it.
The ladder ended in another corridor but this one was clean and wonderfully decorated in greens and silver. Portraits line the walls, most of them of Remus himself, but there is one of Janus and one of both together. Most peculiar are two others however. One shows Remus grinning, arm out to the side, probably hugging someone but the other half of the painting is missing. The second is simply an empty frame.
“Self-centered much?” Roman scoffs.
“Oh yeah, like you don’t have at least a dozen different self-portraits in your castle, Prince of Narcissists,” Virgil retorts. Janus doesn’t pay any attention to the banter or the pictures for that matter. He strides ahead with purpose. Patton watches him in concern, but he feels like this isn’t a moment to pry.
At the end of the corridor is an enormous double door, also in green and silver. The handles, however, are made of gold.
“Does he have some sort of obsession with Slytherin or something?” Again, it’s Roman commenting. Janus hisses at him in disdain.
“For your information, he is a Gryffindor, same as you. And his second choice would be Ravenclaw. No, green and silver just happen to be his favorite colors.”
“Jeez, sorry.” Roman holds up his hands in surrender. “What made you so cranky?”
“Please, keep talking.” Janus rolls his eyes. “Let’s just get it over with.” He grabs the handle on one side and pushes, Patton quickly helps him with the other. Slowly the heavy material gives away and swings open. And suddenly their vision is filled with green.
In front of them is a jungle and as they take the first steps in, the humid air hits them. Birds can be heard singing somewhere but none of them are able to spot them. They stand in a clearing, although the tree line that surrounds them is only about ten feet from them. The trees themselves tower over them, their leaves lush and green, vines hanging between them. The ground is littered with bushes and plants and only one way seems to lead further inward, its stones wide and beautiful. As they look up into the sky, they can see the glass of the dome incasing them, the sun beaming down outside. Which was weird since when they had been in front of the building the weather had been quite dreary.
“Are we… really in the right place?” Patton asks, his voice hushed as if he was afraid of breaking the serenity of their surroundings by being too loud.
“Yes, we are. If you look closely, you can see a few shelves on the far side of the dome.” Janus points upward and the others follow his line of sight. Indeed, quite a ways away, they could see some brown structures following the curve of the dome.
“How are the books not falling?” Virgil questions, his eyes squinted to make out anything in the first place. Roman snorts.
“This is the imagination, Doubtful Central. Remus doesn’t want them to fall, so they don’t fall.” Virgil sticks out his tongue at the prince’s condescending tone. Patton lightly scolds them to stop fighting. Janus clears his throat.
“We need to track along the path for a bit until we reach a river. Behind it is the library.”
“And hopefully Logan,” Patton sighs. “I hope he’s okay.”
“I’m sure he is, padre. You know our nerd, he isn’t easy to beat,” Roman jokes, his hand squeezing Patton’s shoulder in support. Patton smiles at him.
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“I’m always right!”
“You wish, princey.”
“Kiddos…” Patton almost sounds defeated and Janus pats him on the shoulder in sympathy.
“He used to be like that with Remus, too. It’ll be fine.” Patton nods and gives Janus a grateful smile. He, in turn, gives a nod in acknowledgment back and turns to back to the bickering two. “I hate to interrupt you but one more warning. Watch your feet in there. There are some books that have gone… wild.” The others stare at him a moment.
“He stole the Monster Book of Monsters, didn’t he?”
“… He created something similar at least.”
With a groan from Virgil, the group sets out and follows the path. Even though it is made of stone, there are still quite a few branches and vines to dodge. The jungle isn’t quiet either, various sounds resounding in the air. Rustling in the bushes, noises that might belong to a kind of monkey, the birds’ continuous songs. A collage of different sounds that is almost overwhelming.
Roman keeps one hand on the hilt of his sword in case one of the animals decide to come their way, his eyes scanning the trees continuously. Patton clutches one of Virgil’s hands in his own, both also checking their surroundings nervously. Meanwhile, Janus’ eyes are fixated on the ground.
After they had walked for a few minutes, the tension drops a bit. Most of the jungle’s inhabitants seem to go out of their way on their own without hostility. In that moment, a bush on the right side rustles suddenly, then one to the left and unbelievably quickly, two books shoot out of the greenery and try attacking the groups feet. Patton screams and jumps into Virgil’s arms whose eyeshadow turned a very deep black.  
“Just give them a good kick, that usually scares them off!” Janus calls over the ruckus Patton is making, mostly directed at Roman who had unsheathed his sword. He is trying to stab the books, but their binding is quite resistant, and he can’t really get a good hit in. As he hears the call however, he shoots a quick look over to Janus, who has taken a few steps away to protect himself, before swinging his leg with all his might, hitting one book directly into the spine and sending it flying into the canopy.
The second one snarls and turns its attention from Virgil, whose shoe it had been trying to chew through, to Roman, and (again quicker than you would expect from a thing with no legs) darts toward him, in a zig-zag pattern so it wouldn’t suffer the same fate as its companion.
“Shit,” Roman curses, earning a weak ‘Language!’ from Patton who was calming down now that the book wasn’t focused on him and Virgil anymore. Roman tries to land another hit but the book is too fast and lunges forward, most likely to bite him in the leg.
“Oh, no you don’t!” Virgil’s heel digs into the cover, throwing the book back down to the ground. It whimpers and quickly disappears back into the bushes. With heavy breaths does Virgil set his foot back down, Patton still in his arms. Roman whistles.
“Damn, Hot Topic! You’re stronger than I thought.”
“Well,” Virgil shrugs while Patton climbs down, “fight-or-flight, remember?” Roman laughs and pats him on the shoulder.
“Right, right.” They smile at each other for a moment before Patton speaks up.
“Where’s Janus?” Surprised, the three quickly take a look around. The deceitful side was nowhere in sight.
“I knew that slimy snake could not be trusted!” Roman yells angrily. Virgil has a similarly dark look. Patton doesn’t look convinced.
“Maybe he just went ahead? It’s not like there are any other paths we can follow, so he could have just gone ahead to scout for more bad books?”
“You really are too trusting, padre,” Roman scoffs. “But you are right, there is only one path to follow, might as well take it. Turning around now would be pointless anyway.” He and Virgil start walking forward. Patton nervously gnaws at his lip, not liking how this is turning out at all.
They do find Janus not all that far up ahead. He is crouching down in front of a bush, apparently muttering to himself. The path had winded at bit and with the branches in the way they hadn’t been able to spot him earlier. Still, Roman continues to be mad and stomps over to him.
“So now is the point where you try to abandon us?? Just what is your game, snake?!” Janus looks over his shoulder, as calmly as ever.
“Abandoning you was definitely my intention,” he scoffs before turning back around, reaching for something, and standing back up after. When he then turns to face them fully, he is holding a long, yellow snake in his arms that is winding itself around his torso. “This is Jake, I used to keep him in my room, but he took a liking to the jungle, so I let him live here, most of the time at least.” Jake stops his climbing and watches them for a moment, his tongue flickering out.
“Aww!” Patton coos before stepping a bit closer. “Can I pet him?”
“Sure, he doesn’t bite. Most of the time.” But the moral side has already stopped listening, instead stroking the snake’s head which he doesn’t seem to mind at all. Roman, who had been a bit stunned at the sudden animal in Janus’ hands, regains his composure.
“So why did you disappear then?” he demands. Janus shrugs.
“I figured you could handle two books with no actual teeth and Jake called out to me, so I went ahead to find him. There is only one path after all, I doubted you could manage to get lost.” Roman is practically fuming but Patton interjects before he can blow up.
“You can speak with him??”
“Yes. You really think Thomas modeled me after a snake and didn’t give me the ability to speak Parseltongue?”
“Cool!” Patton whispers, staring at Janus with wide eyes, who looks a bit uncomfortable with the sudden attention. He clears his throat.
“Anyway. Jake tells me that Remus is indeed here. And he’s not alone.” Immediately, Virgil’s gaze snaps to him.
“Logan?”
“Most likely. Jake has never met him before, but the description fits.”
“You don’t sound all that sure.” Janus shrugs.
“He’s just a snake. He doesn’t lie to me, but he could be wrong.”
“We should hurry,” Patton says with determination, pulling his hand back. Jake hisses in displeasure from losing the scritches he was receiving. Janus rolls his eyes.
“Come back with me today and I’ll scratch you wherever you like.” That seems to please the snake since he gives another, smaller hiss and continues his winding around Janus until he finds a comfortable position.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They continue along the path for another few minutes without incident. Some bushes rustled but no more books tried to attack them. Finally, they could hear the sound of rushing water. The river must be near. Unconsciously, they increase their pace until they end up before a cliff, the path just suddenly ending there. The cliff isn’t all that high, only a few feet away from the rushing stream. Some type of fish jumping out of its waters every now and again. The jungle continued to the left and right of them, no bridge in sight.
“Um… How do we get across?” Patton asks, eyeing the drop. Janus takes a second to answer, not focused on the below but the beyond.
“We don’t,” he finally answers.
“What’s that supposed to mean??” Virgil demands, yet again glaring at him. Janus shrugs while he pats Jake’s head, eyes still focused ahead of them.
“This place is one of Remus’ most treasured places and there are times when even he wants to be left alone. If he doesn’t want anyone to come here, he simply removes the bridge. There is nothing we can do.”
“So we made this entire trip for nothing?!”
“I wouldn’t say that. Look.” Janus points ahead. The others reluctantly follow his gaze. None of them have really focused on the other side yet, too preoccupied with trying to go further.
A few more trees stand along the cliff but way less dense than on their side. The path continues for a few more feet before it ends at the steps of a lightly raised wooden platform, the true start of the library. Behind a reading area, rows and rows of bookcases tower, each row bigger than the one before it until the ones merging with the wall that reach way, way higher, following the curve of the dome and still somehow letting the natural light from outside shine through.
What Janus was referring to, however, is the aforementioned seating area. Among the few tables and chairs, are some sofas, beanbags, stools, and various other seating opportunities, all in different styles and colors. Because of course Remus would never settle on one theme alone. Only one of those seats was currently occupied though.
Lying on a chaise longue, turned towards them, with a book in his hand and a steaming cup on a small table beside him, is Logan. Seemingly without a worry, their nerd is relaxed and reading. Without looking away from the pages, he reaches over, takes the cup and sips whatever drink it contains before placing it back down without a second though. It seems like their worrying had been unnecessary.
“He looks fine, right?” Virgil says, though he sounds rather nervous, and he raises his thumb to bite at the nail. Patton instinctively stops him.
“That’s good, right?” he adds, also not sounding quite convinced. Janus watches their reactions without commenting. He hadn’t been worried about the logical side, he just wanted to avoid the others working themselves up over the next few days with their wild theories.
“It is too early to say yet!” Roman proclaims. “That could just be an illusion to fool us. To let our guard down! I will not leave until I spoke with him in person.”
“Nobody said anything about leaving though?” Virgil mutters. Roman ignores him.
“But we can’t reach him,” Patton objects. “How do you wanna do that?”
“Hmm…” Roman hums and takes another look at the raging water below them. “It’s not that far across. If I jump far enough, I’m sure I could make it. And I’m an excellent climber and swimmer!”
“I would advise against that,” Janus speaks up, Roman immediately eyeing him suspiciously.
“And why is that? Huh?”
“Oh, my mistake. I assumed you would be able to recognize piranhas when you see them.” Quickly, Roman’s eyes flickered back to the river and the fish still jumping out of it occasionally. “I’m also pretty sure Remus put some sharks in there just because he could. And I mean the bloodthirsty kind.” Patton’s face is now white as chalk and Virgil had a firm grip on Roman’s sleeve.
“Fine, fine!” the prince exclaims. “No swimming, I get it!” He gestures widely and Virgil lets go of him, turning away, his ears pink in embarrassment. “Then I guess we have no other choice!”
“And what choice would that be?” Janus asks, eyebrow raised. Roman grins at him before cupping his hands over his mouth and yelling at the top of his lungs:
“LOGAN! OVER HERE! HEY! ACROSS THE RIVER!” The other three slap their hands over their ears, glaring at the prince. Roman doesn’t quiet down however, until Logan obviously takes note of them. Then he switches to waving widely. Janus rubs his temples; he has had about enough for today. Patton joins in on the waving though less enthusiastically. Virgil buries his hands in his pockets and shrinks back.
Logan does not look happy to see them. Not that they could make out much from the distance in terms of facial expressions, but he had gone stiff once he realized what was happening. He bookmarks his page before setting the book down and stands up. He turns away for a moment and Janus thinks he can hear him calling out to Remus, but the rushing of the water makes it hard to be sure. Afterwards, Logan makes his way over to them, down the steps and toward the edge of the cliff where he stops. Now they could make out the frown on his face more clearly.
“What are you doing here?” he calls over, sounding displeased. Roman hesitates to answer because of his tone, so Patton speaks up instead.
“We were worried about you, kiddo! You just up and vanished and we didn’t know where to!”
“I am aware, that was intentional. Did you not find the folder?”
“We did, but we weren’t really sure if we could trust it,” Virgil explains. Having to yell over the sound of rushing water quickly became annoying.
“What do you mean, you weren’t sure if you could trust it?” Logan frown deepens but before one of them could answer, Remus appears behind him suddenly.
“Boo!” he yells, grinning all the while. Logan rolls his eyes but doesn’t react further. Roman stiffens, Patton bites his lips and Virgil buries deeper into his hoodie in displeasure. Janus is standing to the side, petting Jake, and acting like this situation doesn’t involve him.
Remus cackles at their reactions before saying something to Logan and summoning what appears to be a soundboard. He lowers a few regulators and immediately their surroundings quiet down. The river now sounds distant, like the cliff just became a few miles deeper than before, the rustling of the leaves falls quiet, as do the birds. The surreal situation stuns all of them for a moment.
“There! That’s better, right?”
“Thank you, Remus,” Logan says before turning back to the others, not having to yell anymore. “Now please continue your explanation of why you did not heed my instructions?”
“Well, um…” Patton tries to find the right words, but before he can, Janus speaks up.
“Remus, please unmute your brother.” Everyone turns to look at Roman whose face is red and seemingly trying to yell but no sound comes out. Quickly all eyes turn back to Remus who is pouting.
“Do I have to?”
“If you don’t want them to continue assuming that you kidnapped our dear Logan over there, than you might want to consider not annoying them, yes,” Janus shrugs, apparently not really caring whether Roman gets his voice back or not. Logan raises an eyebrow and shifts his focus back toward his fellow light sides.
“You assume I was kidnapped?”
“It all happened so suddenly; we didn’t know what to think!” Patton tries to explain, eyes jumping between Logan, Roman and Remus. “Please give him his voice back,” he begs after a moment of Logan glaring at them, obviously not happy with the answer.
“But-!” Remus starts to whine before Logan puts a hand on his arm and in a low tone says: “It will only make this take even longer. Please just do it so we can get this over with?”
“Ugh, fine!” Remus groans before flicking one regulator back up but not to full volume.
“You stinking rat, I’ll run you through with my sword!” Roman yells, or at least tries to, only managing to raise his voice a little louder than his normal speaking tone. He glares at his brother when he realizes this, who flips him off in return.
“Stop fighting, kiddos, please.”
“He started it!” Roman protests but Patton just shrugs.
“And we came here without permission. Plus, we’re here to talk to Logan, not to antagonize Remus.” The prince clicks his tongue but doesn’t say any more. Remus laughs.
“Yes, listen to your Daddy, Ro-bro! Or you might get spanked later!” Logan squeezes his arm that he was still holding on to and frowns at him.
“You stop starting fights as well, Rem. I just want them to leave.”
“You know how to shut me up,” Remus grins and wiggles his eyebrows. Logan simply gives him an unimpressed stare. After a few seconds, he drops the grin and sighs. “Fine, fine. You deal with them, and I’ll go play with Bruce.” He summons his tentacles before diving into the river below. Patton gasps.
“Is he okay?!”
“He’s fine. It’s his realm so nothing he creates here will do him harm unless he wants it to,” Roman reassures, almost too quiet. Regulating his volume is going to be hard for a bit and he already looks annoyed by it. Patton nods at his reassurance before turning back to Logan.
“Where were we, kiddo?” The logical side, who had also followed Remus’ decent with his eyes, looks back up and returns to frowning.
“You were attempting to explain why you assumed I was kidnapped despite me leaving clear instructions to prove the contrary.”
“It was just very unlike you, Lo,” Virgil chimes in, still deeply buried into his hoodie. “You didn’t say anything beforehand, and we thought Deceit or the Duke might have forged the folder.”
“Exactly! And then we found my brother’s atrocious deodorant case in your trash and…” Roman trails off as he realizes what he just said.
“You… went through my trash?” Logan is now undoubtedly seething, glaring at them with cold eyes.
“Well, you see…” Roman tries to explain with a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his head. Patton looks just as likely to come up with an excuse, so Virgil speaks up again.
“I asked Princey over there to check if you were in your room or not. He took that as an invitation to go snooping.”
“Very helpful, Doom and Gloom!”
“Well, it was your fault!”
“And you didn’t have to tell him that!”
“So,” Logan interrupts, voice calm but so icy that the others shiver, “let me make sure I understood this right. You found my notes and instead of trusting me and my ability to decide for myself, your first thought was that I was some damsel in distress that needed rescuing? And in your attempt to be the heroes once again you invaded my privacy as well?!” He continually got louder and louder, clearly very much angry.
“Logan, calm down, we just-“ Patton tries to interject but Logan continues, probably not even noticing that the other had spoken.
“You trust me so little, that you cannot even consider that I make decisions for my own well-being without consulting you? After pushing me aside again and again, you concluded that I cannot take care of myself? I have listed reasons for my decision in the letter I left you. Did you even consider those? Or did you assume that I would continue to let you figuratively walk all over me?” Logan takes a few deep breaths, the others stunned into silence. Once he feels like he is back in control of himself, the logical side continues, in his normal speaking voice.
“To me it is obvious that our current co-existence is neither beneficial to Thomas nor ourselves. We continue to figuratively turn in circles and no issues are truly being resolved. We all are stressed out, which makes finding a compromise even more unlikely. I had discussions on this topic with both Janus and Remus, as well as smaller conversations with all of you, if you cared to remember. And the conclusion I reached in the end was that we needed to take a step back and reevaluate. So, in order to do that, I asked Remus to help me arrange a place to stay for a few days to give us all time to reflect. He ended up inviting me here, to his library and I decided to extend my original idea into a vacation. I assure you, this all happened through my own volition.” With his arms crossed, he stares at the others, apparently awaiting an answer. Patton was the first to find his voice.
“We’re so sorry, kiddo. To us it was just a very sudden turn of events and we panicked. We should have trusted you more.”
“I trust him!” Roman huffs. “It’s Deceit and my brother that I don’t trust!” He points a finger accusingly towards Janus, who had continued to silently watch from the side and now raises an eyebrow but doesn’t comment. Roman addresses Logan directly. “You said you talked with them about your plan but how do you know that it wasn’t part of theirs all along?!”
“Their plan to do what exactly?”
“To drive us apart, obviously! Ever since that snake showed up, we keep fighting! It must be his fault; he wants us to not trust each other so that he can influence Thomas!” Roman’s rant was undermined by his inability to truly raise his voice and none of the others seem convinced. Not even Virgil. Logan sighs.
“I understand that Janus’ past action have hurt you, Roman, but you need to accept that he is not the villain you make him out to be. He is doing his best to protect Thomas, as we all do. And he is not always in the right, none of us are. As much as I hate admitting it, my plans and wishes for Thomas are not always the answer either, which is why I try to incorporate your suggestions into my planning. But since you all seem to refuse to acknowledge my contributions in the same way, Thomas ends up neglecting his responsibilities. I would not let Janus make all the decisions, but he deserves to voice his opinions as much as the rest of us.”
“But he lured you away!”
“As I’ve already said, the decision was mine alone. Janus was the one who brought the idea of a vacation up to me first, that is true, but I was the one to decide to ask Remus for help and not discuss it with you beforehand.”
“And why didn’t you?” Virgil chimes in. Logan glances at him before turning his eyes toward the sky.
“I was trying to avoid this exact conversation. I am tired of justifying myself to you all. I needed a break, somewhere you cannot easily get to. As I’m sure you have noticed on your way here, this library is exactly what I was looking for. I am frustrated, maybe even angry with you. I raised my voice against you earlier, which I did not want to do but I just cannot hold back anymore. I need this distance from you for a while. I need to sort out my” – he stops and bites his lips for a moment before continuing – “feelings and I do not have the room or time to do so properly while in the mindscape with you all. I had hoped that I would be able to explain this to you when I came back but you couldn’t wait, apparently.”
“And you expect us to trust them in the meantime?” Roman growls, again pointing towards Janus and then down towards the river where Remus disappeared to. Logan glares at him.
“No, Roman. I expect you to trust me for once. I can take care of myself, I can defend myself against your brother and I can do so better than you, as we all have seen before.” Roman goes red in the face and tries to retort, but Patton holds him back.
“Enough. Logan’s right, we’re in the wrong here.”
“But padre-!”
“No buts, mister.” A giggle is heard from down below. “We jumped to conclusions and came here without permission. Logan is allowed to make his own choices and while I’m not happy about it either, we should trust him.” He pats Roman on the shoulder before turning back to Logan. “Then I hope you have fun, and we’ll see you soon, okay?” He said it with a smile, but Logan frown deepens.
“Stop patronizing me, Patton. I am the same age as you and it’s demeaning. I do not need your permission to stay here.”
“I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry, I- “ Patton stutters, embarrassed and not able to meet Logan’s eyes. Virgil sighs.
“Let’s just get out of here. We all have a lot to think about, apparently.” Roman clicks his tongue but doesn’t argue. Patton nods and stares at the ground. “Hope you have a nice break, Lo. See ya.”
“That is the plan. Please leave now,” is all Logan says before turning away and going back to his book. Janus claps his hands together, gathering the attention of the others.
“Follow me, there is a shortcut out of here.”
“Let me guess, it only works one way?” Roman huffs, his voice still quieter than he’d like. The effect would likely only disappear once he’s out of Remus’ territory.
“Very clever, my prince,” Janus says and claps his hands again, this time in mock applause. “100 points for Gryffindor.” Roman glares at him but even he has lost the will to continue their arguments.
The group makes their way back in silence, through the jungle, down a hidden elevator off to the right of the gallery, out a side door of the building and back towards the mindscape. Patton is the only one who glances back towards Logan before he is obscured by the foliage of the jungle, but the logical side is already back on the chaise longue, drinking his still hot beverage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Due to the sounds still being muted, Logan could clearly hear the ‘ding’ of the elevator, signaling the departure of the others. With a sigh he puts the book down that he had only pretended to read. He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes tiredly. What an ordeal this has been. After setting his glasses back in place, he takes another sip of his tea – which never cools thanks to Remus’ powers. Speaking off, wet slapping sounds reverberate through the air as the Duke makes his way over to Logan, dripping wet from his impromptu bathing session.
“So, how is Bruce?”
“Fine! He tried to bite my leg off, but he only got a few scraps of flesh!”
“Are you going to heal it or do you want me to bandage it?” Remus grins and with a snap he removes his damaged pants, at least from mid-thigh down. He knows Logan’s comfort zones and nudity wasn’t one of them. At least not yet. The logical side sighs as he summons a first aid kit. “Why am I not surprised?”
“’Cause you know I like it when you bondage me!”
“You mean ‘bandage me’, correct?”
“I know what I said.” Logan rolls his eyes and starts examining and dressing Remus’ wounds which, while bleeding, were all pretty superficial. For a few moments, he worked in silence, but as usual with Remus around, that didn’t last long.
“Felt good, right?”
“I do not know what you are referring to.”
“Pff, don’t bullshit me, Lolo. You know exactly what I mean.”
“Fine, but I do not wish to comment on whether I found it satisfactory or not.”
“You can be such a prude.”
“That may very well be, but I do not see how that relates to our topic.”
“Do you wanna talk about it or not?”
“I am… unsure.” Logan finishes dressing the last wound, cleans the kit up before vanishing it away. Then he sits next to Remus with a sigh. “I do feel a bit better, having said what needed to be said but I also feel like I was too harsh with them.” Remus hums a moment before answering.
“Nah, I think they needed to hear it, ‘specially Daddy-o. He’s been treating not only you but Virgin as well like kids and he needs to stop or you’ll never get anywhere. Breaking out of your mold is exactly what you need, and they need to accept that.” Logan nods along but doesn’t look all that convinced.
“I am aware, but it still feels” – he grimaces at the word – “weird. I don’t know how to describe it.”
“And that’s fine, Specs! You only just accepted that you have feelings, it’s gonna take a bit to figure them out. And dear Tomathy is in a weird place at the moment anyway, so it’s double confusing.”
“I am exhausted.”
“No wonder. Wanna take a nap?”
“Are you going to dry off first?”
“Ugh, fine. But only for you, Nerdy Wolverine!”
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pippin👏 with👏a👏tall👏reader👏 (could you make it veryyyy fluffy?) ((also the reader is human oop))
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Big Heart
Fluff and Humor (also a touch of Angst)
----
You met the little hobbit, Pippin, on the journey to destroy the One Ring.
It was by chance that you managed to run into them during their time in Rohan, but completely by design that you ended up their escort to Gondor.
You were one of the best riders and horse tamers in Rohan, so it was only natural that you'd be sent as their guide since the mission was so vital.
And, as time went on, you began to develop feelings for said hobbit.
His mischievousness and humor drew you in easily, and you've never met anyone who could make you laugh as much as him. It was only natural that his winning personality, and ridiculous decisions, would capture your heart eventually.
It's funny, because he wasn't even trying. He's just a natural comedian I suppose (as is his cousin, Merry, who you're also quite fond of).
After all was said and done and the battle for Middle Earth ended, you opted to join the hobbits on their whttps://archiveofourown.org/works/17413022/chapters/70134579/edit#ay back to The Shire and keep them all safe and healthy during their travels even though you and Pippin haven't... discussed anything as of yet.
And, the day before you were scheduled to leave and head back for Rohan, Merry and Pippin approached you sheepishly and asked if you would like to stick around a bit longer.
Now you agreed of course, why wouldn't you? There's nothing left for you back in Rohan, there never really was in the first place other than your title and reputation as a good rider.
Staying in The Shire is nice and all, but there are some things about it that really, really bother you. The scale of everything being one of those things.
The ceiling are low, and the hobbits are even lower than that. You've bumped your head on Pippins high ceilings many times, always forgetting to duck down low since your height was never an issue (much less a factor ) in Rohan.
You'll probably get used to it eventually, but, are you even planning on staying long enough to get used to it? It's not like you've moved there or anything, they just asked you to stay longer.
You and Pippin really need to have a talk.
When this realization hits you, you decide to idly wait in his dinning room while he's out and about.
Now you may be wondering, what on earth does Pippin have to do during the day?
Getting into trouble with Merry, of course!
Sometimes they steal, sometimes they do odd jobs for the other hobbits in The Shire, but, most of the time, they just hang around and smoke outside in the lovely weather.
You, on the other hand, chose to stay inside and enjoy some time to yourself up until these thoughts began to cloud your thoughts.
It isn't until the sun begins to set and the firebugs begin to roam that Pippin comes home, and he returns to a pot of tea and some freshly, baked scones.
It's hard as shit to cook in this tiny little cramped kitchen, but you made it work and the end product was fluffy, flaky, and delicious (so maybe they're more like biscuits).
As soon as the blond-haired hobbit walks in you greet him from the other room, settling on one of the too small chairs with your knees that hit the edge of the table.
He walks into the room you're in and greets you cheerily, zeroing in on the food like someone who has been starving for the last week. It was expected, though, because he's always hungry (even for someone as small as himself).
"Be sure to spare some, Pippin." You warn with a joking edge to your voice, eyeing him with a falsely stern stare, "You need to leave some for me."
Pippin only smiles at you with those shiny white pearls of his and snatches two of the breads from the plate they rest on, "Does one sound fair? It sounds fair to me."
You stare at him blankly and don't offer any sort of quirk our lips or even an eye-crinkle, making it seem like you're wholly unamused by his jokes.
His smile slowly fades when you take on this sudden no nonsense attitude, and you find that you can't keep up the 'unhappy' facade for too long.
Almost in unison do the both of you burst out with laughter, because, clearly, neither of you were actually taking this situation seriously.
You could never joke around like this or enjoy yourself in the likes of Rohan, you had no one to share such moments with in the first place, but it's quite shocking to realize just how much you needed this.
How much longer could your mind have survived such a monotone and honor obsessed environment? This is the exact change of pace that you needed if you wanted to live through your 20's and not die of boredom.  What's so fun or great about being a good horse rider anyways? Well, actually, to be fair it was fun at one point, but then it became your job and everyone had such high expectations that it kind of just sucked the fun out of the one thing that didn't leave you stultified to no end.
Anyways, the both of you cease your laughing eventually and you proceed to swipe and snack on one of those little treats you made, noticing the way that the both of you fall into a mostly comfortable silence.
Your gaze drifts back over to the hobbit sitting in the hair adjacent to yours and you find that he's already looking at you with an expectant edge to his gaze.
Everyone treats him like an idiot, but he's not so much stupid as he is unwise and foolish. He could sense there was some sort of unease rolling off of your shoulders and making the atmosphere slightly tense, definitely not something an idiot could notice so easily.
"You've got something to tell me. Or is it something you want to ask?" He's all business now.
"Yes, I do." You confirm with a shallow nod, gaze flickering over his face, "Something has been troubling me as of recent."
His blond curls bounce a bit when he nods his ascent to continue, and the movement draws your eyes as your brain begins to wander in search of a good way to approach the subject bothering you.
"Truthfully, Pippin, I haven't a clue what I am doing here anymore. You asked me to come to The Shire and I did, and then you asked me to stay, and I did that as well, but we are reaching a point where motivations and reasonings are becoming sparse. I know what my intentions are, and though I have not made them quite clear, which is what we need to talk about. What are we doing, Pippin?"
When you finish speaking your piece and look back at him again, you see that his head is hanging slightly and he refuses to look at you almost.
His eyes are sad and it makes your heart pang painfully in your chest.
"I... I am not so sure myself. I asked you to stay because I... um, Merry and I, don't wish to see you go." He puts down the hardly eaten 'scone' and scoots his chair closer to yours, looking up at you with a slight frown, "If I'm being honest, I can hardly imagine what it would be like if you were to leave, now."
"Yes, I know that much. But what am I doing here? I have little purpose at the time being, all I do is sit here or outside all day and do nothing . I wait around for you to get back because you and Merry never invite me to your schemes, and you do not invite me because I stick out. Literally."
You surprise even yourself with this 'outburst' because you thought your insecurities were only Pippin-deep. As much fun as you have with Pippin, you still feel like an outsider. Who do you talk to really besides Pippin, Merry, and sometimes Sam.
He looks even more sad than before, and you realize it probably sounds like you're thinking of leaving.
"I suppose feeling purposeless just bothers me-"
"I-I don't want you to go." He starts, surprising you slightly since he never really interrupts anyone. "You never treat me like a fool, and you always listen to what I have to say even when I don't make sense. Like, now I suppose. But it is more than that, too. T-The way I am and I feel when you are around is unlike anything I've known before, and, well, I don't wish to lose that or you."
You sit and listen quietly while he pours his little hobbity heart out and even wait some more after that, because this is exactly what you've been wanting in terms of communication.
"It's strange, you know I'm not usually like this, but even thinking about you leaving at this point is painful. Would I be too hasty in saying that I...," he trails off, seemingly contemplating what he needs to say next, "I may have fallen for you?"
There it is, that's exactly what you were waiting, and hoping, for.
"No, it wouldn't be. I've confessed as much myself already; in fact, I'd say you were quite late in saying it." You can't help but to tease him, and it appears to work out well for you because his face flushes and a sheepish expression softens his determined countenance. "Well, anyway. That is all well and good, but I must also say that it doesn't change my lack of excitement. And since you are the one keeping me here, it is your responsibility to mend this fact."
His forehead creases as he thinks it over and his mouth twists with thought, then his eyes light up and he smiles brightly. "Well, Merry and I could get you into all sorts of trouble, if you ask us to. We don't leave you out because you're too tall, we do it because you do not seem to be the scheming type.”
Well, that’s fair. And also unexpected. The whole ‘height thing’ was your primary suspect, but it seems like you’ll have to let it go.
“You don’t know that for sure. I can scheme like no other if I choose to. I just… do not normally choose to, is all. Take me with you, I demand it.”
The lightheartedness returns, and it successfully brings up the mood as well.
You reach your hand across the table and place it over his carefully, offering a fond and warm smile to him which he returns in kind. What a strange thing, being comforted by someone half your size with double the personality that you possess.
“Alright, Merry will be excited to hear that.”
“He’d better be.”
"But...," he trails off and you fall silent to show him he has your full attention, "I wouldn't be truthful if I were to say that I haven't had my own troubles."
You nod your head once and allow your hand to fall back to your lap.
"I think you are beautiful. One of the loveliest people I have ever seen, meanwhile I... am a short, foolish hobbit that few people take seriously. Surely you could have, and do, more than what I offer. A hobbit hole with... low ceilings that your forehead has met many times and clutter in almost every corner."
You're shocked that such a thing could bother someone as uncaring as Pippin - well, uncaring in a sense that he doesn't care for others opinions on himself - and it pulls at your heart strings.
"Pippin, if I had any care for something as trivial as height then I would be a hypocrite. If you're too short then I must be much too tall. And if your house is a mess than Rohan must be incomprehensibly disastrous." All of these things are true in your eyes, and you hope to help him see through the same lens as you. "Those things matter to me not, I wish I had made you understand that sooner."
He smiles at you and you smile back, and in this moment you feel at peace. A couple of shared words won't immediately extinguish the insecurities and issues that have come to surface over time, but they make it easier to bear.
"Besides, you may not be a big person, but that heart of yours is one of the biggest I've ever had the pleasure of benefitting from."
He blushes again, and it does things to your heart.
You never thought you'd fall in love with someone so short and mischievous, but here you are.
It's peculiar.
"Well, I suppose we should seek out Merry. I'm ready to get into some trouble."
"That makes two of us."
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whetstonefires · 4 years
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Do you think the DC fandom maybe, Infantilizes Tim a little too much? Like for a rich kid character who's main trauma for a long time was a getting left home alone too much there's an oddly amount of meta abt how much how much his parents hurt him~ compared to, y'know the two poor characters who grew up with physically abusive dad's+druggie mom's, or the two that were raised assassin cult's, etc
…well, yeah, I do kind of think that? His whole schtick for so long was being too old for his age in ways that didn’t sacrifice his jokey, relatable teenager energies. It’s weird how little of that we see anymore, sometimes.
And then DC broke him and discarded him and he’s sort of awkwardly hanging around getting reimagined as more woobie with every fan generation. It is weird!
But tbh I do get it. And I think the reason his parents’ failure of him and his vulnerability get played up so much, and Jason and Steph’s sufferings (while used a lot for things like motivation and context) not dwelt on quite so much in the same lugubrious style, are kind of the same reason.
Which is that canon didn’t commit to it. Jason and Steph’s experiences with bad parenting were foregrounded and retconned more dramatically awful several times. (There’s some definite classism in how that was approached imo, and I’m never budging on being mad about DC retconning out Catherine being sick and then ignoring her forever in all Jason characterization because a drug death invalidates a person ig, great message during the opioid crisis guys.)
They engaged and coped with it–Steph (and Cass, our #1 canon batfam parental abuse victim) pretty directly, Jason a little less so because of the dubious and fluctuating canon status of most of the content more specific than ‘poverty, homelessness, theft, parental drugs and crime in there somewhere,’ so most of his parent issues have been focused on Bruce. He sure has dug into them tho. 😂 Rarely well or productively, thanks DC, but it’s explicitly part of his character, is my point.
Whereas upper-middle-class Tim was always treated by the narrative as fortunate and unharmed by his experiences with his parents. Even though they were clearly behaving badly in several ways, and Tim showed signs of being harmed by it.
Tim outside of immediate moments of frustration always was of the opinion he was Fine, and Very Fortunate Actually.
Therefore a huge chunk of the numerous everyone who’s got parent-related mental and emotional harm, but has struggled to have that validated and hasn’t responded with a lot of anger toward the parent, identifies with Tim. The only one who’s never really lashed out at his parents for fucking up with him. The one who still needs it explored, because canon ultimately didn’t.
[editing post to put in a readmore because lol it’s long, post otherwise unchanged]
(Dick obviously didn’t ever have any Issues with the Graysons, but he Angry Teenagered at Bruce so hard it changed Bruce’s characterization permanently, rip.)
The things Jason, Steph, and Cass have been through are dramatic, obvious, and fit stereotypes because that’s what they’re based on.
That’s important content to have, but because it’s right out there in your face even people who identify with it quite a lot are less likely to feel the need to work all the way through it again in fanworks. That part’s there. It’s text.
(Well actually Jason having been physically abused kind of wasn’t? I think? It was mostly assumed on the basis of stereotyping and Jason’s not caring about the man much even as he felt possessive of information about his death, which is valid. I don’t actually know what’s up with Willis now, Lobdell did some weird shit that lacked emotional resonance or staying power because he’s Lobdell and has no soul.
Cass’ wandering years are also ludicrously underdeveloped. But very very few comics fans or writers can personally relate to being amazing child warriors with no grasp of language living feral under bridges. That part of her life is consistently represented in terms of absences, in terms of its deviation from the norm and the deficits of normality it left her with, which is typical but unfortunate.) 
-
The interesting things to do with these characters are often informed by the bad stuff in their childhoods, but there’s relatively rarely that much more to say about the fact that those things were bad. They know they’re bad. They’ve had a lot of on-panel rage about it, as discussed above. Steph and Cass both beat the shit out of their dads.
Jason is, in fandom especially, a sort of Platonic ideal of a kid who’s mad about his bad childhood and really bad at figuring out where to point that rage.
(Damian is a whole other kettle of fish, because he’s been lumbered by so many detailed retcons coming so fast no two people can seem to construct compatible models of what his early childhood was like, and even more because he’s still ‘a child’ enough that he’s necessarily in a different stage of processing than someone who’s officially only a few years older than him at this point, but still functionally 8 and also 20 years older, and whose parents are no longer in the picture to continue screwing up.
Also there’s no question that if he brings up an abusive thing the League did, he will be validated by his current environment about his realization that it was in fact bad. There’s a lot of fic on that theme! But it doesn’t have the same tone precisely because it is usually understood that that support will be there if he wants it. Realizing that his previous context contained things that were wrong keeps being made the focus of his arc.)
The badness of Tim’s childhood, on the other hand, was mainly in subtext. Even when we were clearly meant to understand Jack was fucking up, like when he canceled plans with Tim at the last minute to go on a date with Tim’s stepmother, or that infamous time he came to apologize for not being a great parent and got mad Tim was distracted by a crisis on TV so he flew into a rage and took the TV and smashed it and was like ‘that’ll teach you,’ it wasn’t leaned into.
The story didn’t treat Jack as a minor villain to be overcome but like a sort of environmental hazard of childhood, like homework, to be endured and coped with. Tim said things like ‘it’s fine’ and ‘at least he left the computer.’
(And like. It’s not about having a TV and computer in his room. It’s about not letting a child have boundaries, pointedly not respecting a child’s possessions, creating an emotionally insecure environment, punishing minor infractions in proportion to their momentary impact on your own ego, physically lashing out at a proxy for the child…)
Rather like Tom King later didn’t understand about the punching from Bruce, whoever did that story (probably Dixon? I don’t care enough to check) did not understand how serious a case of bad parenting that scene was. That is most definitely textbook abusive behavior. (It’s a hell of a lot more common abusive behavior than being a lame supervillain or shooting you when you screw up, and a lot more specific than ‘was a thug, might have hit me, dead now.’)
And Tim was never allowed to be mad at his parents about it. It was fine. He needed to be ignored so he had the freedom to be Robin. He deserved his dad being mad at him because he was keeping secrets. He complained too much, although objectively he did not.
The universe punished him for ‘complaining,’ more than once. We cut straight from him shunting aside his disappointment that his postcard from his parents was just to say they weren’t coming home yet after all with ‘if it will stop all the fights they’ve been having lately it’s more than fine’ to them getting kidnapped.
He agreed not to come on the rescue mission. His mom never made it home, and his dad was in a coma for a while. And then ultimately Jack died as a result of Tim’s decision to be Robin, immediately after finally deciding to accept it.
So Tim walks around feeling a huge burden of responsibility for his parents’ deaths, and completely unable to process any hurt they did him as real or valid, especially in comparison with the far more blatant awfulness other people have been through, and canon is clearly never going to address it. Or even acknowledge it properly.
Let me repeat that because it’s kind of my main point:
People are fixated on getting Tim’s emotional abuse validated because that’s an incredibly important step in recovering from emotional abuse, and it’s one canon consistently denied him.
How ‘bad’ things are ‘in comparison to’ problems other people have is a bad and unhealthy way to engage with trauma. Okay? That’s just a really harmful framework to apply to pain.
It’s also a way that both Tim and people with experiences similar to Tim’s are encouraged to engage with their own experiences, compounding the existing problems.
So. Not a form of relatable DC was ever actually aiming for when they tried so hard (and pretty effectively) to make him a relatable character as Robin, but an enduring one for a lot of fans.
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So Tim’s childhood is a natural target for fanworks in a different way than the traumas that have been made explicit and taken seriously by the text. And then a lot of that got compounded by the way the introduction of Damian as Robin was handled, and the lack of resolution that got. And his current status as not quite having a place in the family anymore.
So between the level of projection encouraged by that context and how relatively difficult to access Tim’s Robin run has become ten years after the fact, this has led to a lot of fanworks on these themes that are based mostly on other fanworks, and stray further and further from the original content.
So at this point there’s an entire wing of Tim’s fandom wherein this side of him has expanded enormously, and he primarily exists to suffer, frequently in ways that 1) escalate to a point that is inarguably ‘valid’ and hard to dismiss and 2) set him up to rebound from it in whatever way the writer finds emotionally satisfying or useful–being ultimately cared for and reassured by people who value him (the most infantilizing option but like, popular for obvious reasons), or unveiling his brilliant scheme that was causing him to pretend to be passive in the face of mistreatment, or turning around and using his genius ninja skills to wrest power back from his abusers, or just laying down some sick burns about being treated fairly.
But not that many of the last one, because that’s mostly done with other batfam members.
Tim’s become a vehicle for a lot of vicarious coping that Steph and Jason just aren’t appropriate for, because they get angry and they get even. And those are stories that exist already, so there’s less scope for telling your own.
And because Jason’s reaction pattern is ultimately so masculine (i’ll make them all sorry! with my guns! blam blam!) while Tim’s is pretty gender-neutral, the demographics of fanfic mean that the bulk of the people using Tim vicariously in this manner are female-aligned, which has over time feminized this archetype of him a lot. Sometimes in ways I find really uncomfortable, like there’s a lot of forced pregnancy stuff which activates my panic buttons. x.x
But, ultimately, it’s fandom. People are going to do what they’re going to do, DC in their perpetual fail has hung Tim out to dry in narrative terms, and I’d rather the people who are using Tim for victimization narratives over the people who can’t dismiss or discredit him fast enough now that his position has been filled. 🤷‍♀️ What we gonna do? Fave’s in an awkward spot. DC hates us. This is the life in this comic book pit. XD
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Also if you’re the same anon who left me a callout about op of that weird Steph post in my inbox, or if you aren’t @ that person, 1) I refuse to get involved so I’m not answering that ask 2) those aren’t even particularly dramatic fandom crimes? That’s pretty normal? That’s just…Caring Too Much About Ships And Disagreeing With Me.
Do I also feel those opinions are kinda bad? Yeah. But I disagree with everyone about something. Chill.
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praphiteyes · 4 years
Text
Doctrine made simple (I hope:)
HI! :)
This will be a quick overview of what I believe to be the basics of Christianity. I say this while also acknowledging that there are many ways to view one’s path with Christ. I am not saying that this is the only way to view it, but if someone wants to know what my personal (Praphit Productions) views on the matter are, or if you'd like a clear start for your own beginning with Christ, here it will be, plainly laid-out for you:
Two parts! #1 Belief and #2 carrying it out.
We'll start with "Belief" as if it were a book, and roll with chapter one (of 4) - "God, baby!"
Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Hebrews 11:6 -
"And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
Everything starts with faith. No matter what it is that you believe, it starts there. Obviously, when dealing with religion, we're talking about the very foundation of your motivation for life.
God --- Belief -
1) The Trinity - there are plenty of scriptures referencing the Godhead. Jesus refers to "The Father" as well as "The Spirit" within the gospels. Understand that we can not understand this, we can only continue to gain understanding on this subject. I'm simplifying (perhaps even oversimplifying) in order to keep this as quick as possible, plus it's better for you to study for yourself.
FATHER = The Plan SON = the words of that plan SPIRIT = the power behind that plan
Yep, definitely oversimplifying:) As you walk with the Lord, you will understand what I’m talking about.
All three are "God" - the holy one, the creator of all, the ruler of all, the alpha, the omega, love itself, our joy, our wisdom, our peace, healing, Savior, King, righteousness, wrath, judgment, forgiveness, grace, mercy, the almighty, I could go on and on and on throughout eternity, if what's swells up within me as I think of God could be expressed in words.
They are one and yet different, as we are to be ("made in His image").
This life thing is God's house. The earth, the universe, the multiverse (if you'd like to take it there:) EVERYTHING! All people, the laws of life, the fabric of life, EVERYTHING IS BY HIM, THROUGH HIM, AND FOR HIM.
He shouldn't even really be seen as "he" as we think of a "he". Doing so actually tarnishes the "He". God is not a gender. God is not a race. God is light.
In the story of EVERYTHING, God is the main character. This is all about Him; I can't stress that enough:)
Sin --- Belief - 
2) Sin is damning.
I can remember talking with an atheist about sin. He told me that he does not believe in sin. I retorted with "What do you call all of this nonsense we see in the news everyday?" He replied "That's just people being evil." I said "Yeah, sin." We all know what sin is, no matter how we choose to say it. Sin is not only "evil" actions, but on a spiritual level, it's like a prison. For example, lying will always lead to more lying. 
Sin can also be psychological, and lead to destructive, generational patterns. Sin is erring from God's purpose for our lives. If you turn to Genesis, in the bible (Adam & Eve), you can read all about sin and the effects thereof, and you can see how it damages our relationships. You can see how it'll have us hiding from God, ourselves, and each other. You can see the curse that it brings. Call it what you will, but sin is a virus that we're all susceptible to. It's all over the place, and it's sticky, smelly, and nasty.
Blood --- Belief - 
3) What does the blood of Jesus mean for us?
Before I can answer this question, I must remind you that the belief in God and in the concept of sin are foundational. This is literally God's world, and to sin is when we act contrary to His plan and the rules of His world - with this in mind, let us look at that famous scripture John 3:16
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Let's break down this statement:
1) “God” - Think of what we covered in the section about God.
2) 'loved the world' - Don't think of 'love' as you have experienced it, because that's probably screwed up. I don't say that as anything against you; it's screwed up for most of us. Few people (or no one) live (and have always lived) in a community, where ALL of the people  are all in on you; exhibiting the natures of this scripture  - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8  
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails."
Even our view of what we'd like love to be is flawed, because we haven't always been covered in a powerful, nurturing, and guiding environment. I'm not even talking about some fanciful, never-ending fountain of good vibes either. Our God, our Father, our Friend is also our King. I used the word "guiding" above. This word comes with it discipline and sometimes, unpleasantness.
I've given you enough here on God's love to help you begin to see the surface of His love. If I try to frame it for you more than that at this time, it would be a disservice.
Now take the word "world" from that scripture and think of us - ALL OF US, no matter our backgrounds or where we come from.
3) 'He gave His one and only Son'
This is sacrifice (what true love is) from God the Father and God the Son. It is spoken this way in scripture for the benefit of our understanding. We can grasp sacrificing for those we love. The "only" is also important for us to capture the tone of this event on the cross.
4) Now the Blood - "that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."
We choose to believe in what Jesus was/is about or not. The prerequisite of following God is His sacrifice, which is His blood poured out for us at the cross. This being God's world, He calls for offerings in repentance of sin (which included the blood of animals for quite some time). This is also a glimpse into how God views life in general (blood being a God-given life force). The blood of approved animals was good enough only to delay the wrath/effects of sin. There needed to be a pure offering - not from animals or even humans, but from God Himself. There's a lot to believe there, which is why you must first believe in God and sin.
But, I think it is logical to believe in God. Even if you go with the Big Bang theory, there are still unanswered questions as to where everything came from and why. There are still things that scientists argue over and still have questions over. We'll acknowledge that there are wonders of the world (or universes) that we haven't even began to look into. Science itself is based off of what can be proven. If you are to live only by what is proven, then scientifically speaking, you must accept that there are things not yet proven. Therefore, God should at least be considered a possibility. Which is more silly - to believe in God or to believe that everything just kinda formed on its own with no real reason why?
All of the human elements to how the bible was formed, how we interpret it, and a whole lot of things going on with the Church are very much flawed - agreed. But, if we separate all of that mess from the notion of God, it's quite believable, I think.
And as for "sin", we may use different names for it, but the evil going on in this world is very real.
This step is simply believing that God would make a way for us to follow Him. Or at least... this is half of the step to following Him - believing in His ways and what Jesus did on the cross for us. The second half is what we'll cover next - The Resurrection.
4) Resurrection --- Belief - 
Some may say that believing a person can be raised from the dead is crazy. Again, without taking into consideration of the beliefs above, I'd understand them saying that. But, if we're already believing in the powerful creator who fuels life as we know it, then all of the rules of logic change.
Jesus' resurrection is a banner of victory - against our sin (that put Him in the grave), against the curses of sin (which includes physical death), and against Satan (who if you read through the scriptures, has been manipulating things behind the scenes). No, the devil never makes you do anything, but he's certainly cheering you on towards all of the wrong directions.
The resurrection is the second half of following Christ, because this victory that I'm speaking of is the new life for the believer.
A life with hope to leave your past (and the effects thereof). A life of hope to live with power (by the Holy Spirit's guidance) over sin, curse, and the devil. A life with a relationship with God, and an eventual home with Him for eternity.
I know, that's all very spiritual, so allow me to explain in broader terms (stay with me:)
We believe that God is the pure form of things like love, joy, peace, wisdom, etc. A belief to walk in those traits/ideals is enough to lead many out of their own darkness. Many people feel a sense of condemnation/shame/insecurity in their place in life. A belief in this new life with God can lead one away from the effects from that type of negativity (and the cycle of destruction that it can bring) and lead to transformation into those pure qualities. Like I said earlier, people are flawed, so churches can use this in all kinds of cultish ways, but that doesn't make what I'm saying any less pure. I'll get into how to avoid those cultish dangers later.
The cross/blood offers forgiveness and redemption and a power to look ahead, and the resurrection/our belief and new life with God offers power. A power of all of those pure Godly qualities being poured over your life, and hopefully into the lives of those that you encounter.
But, it's all a matter of belief (going back to John 3:16 - "those who believe in Him"). Believing in the ways/ministry of Christ, believing in His sacrifice at the cross (and its effects), and believing that He rose again, ascended into Heaven (not being covered in this post - you'll have to do some reading:), and that by His victory we have access to a relationship with Him (through the Holy Spirit) - a life of power, love, and hope.
The simplest way I can put the Holy Spirit's involvement is that He's our connection. He's like our WiFi to the goodness of God.
I know all of this is a lot. I'll speak in more practical terms in the next part, but this is all foundational. Think of it like that movie "The Matrix". You have a choice to believe and go as far down the rabbit hole as you'd like, or the choice to ignore everything I'm saying, and continue on with your life as usual.
Now, onto some practical principles to end this post - this stuff is also crucial for a productive Christian walk...  and so that the Christian doesn't become a bigot or flat out weirdo:)
5 Keys to church action (”:carrying it out”)
1 - WORD
Jesus is The Word of God. If you want to hang out with Jesus, just hang out with the Bible. I think that the problem that Christians run into is relying solely on knowledge of God; and honestly, we don't believe that we need too much of that either. Walking with God is very much like getting to know any of person. Yes, you require knowledge to know them, but doing life with them to gain an understanding of them is crucial. There are those who have been married for decades, and will still tell others that they're still trying to get to know their spouse. Imagine trying to get to know God. But, there are two extremes (and most are somewhere in-between):
Those who believe knowledge alone is enough, and those who only rely on a little bit of knowledge to make their judgment. Again, let's go back to getting to know a person. I could read about many people, but that wouldn’t mean that I know them. The information that I read is limited, and there's a lot of interpretation to merely hope that you'd get right. And if you're not even willing to go the mile for the knowledge, then there's really no hope that you'll ever know the person, right??
A lot of Christians that I meet are not truly hungry for knowledge, wisdom, and understanding of God. They'll be content with having the Sunday preacher feed them a little bit, once a week; this makes another point, that The Word is our food. How healthy do you think you'd be if you only ate once a week??
Lastly, as if with any type of book club (church is more than a book club, but in this context it works), everyone gets a chance to add their two cents. Everyone gets to participate in the conversation of understanding what they've all been reading.
Where a lot of churches mess up, is not allowing certain topics to come up, not allowing certain stances to be challenged or at least disagreed with, and not allowing for different perspectives.
When churches shutdown conversation (or limit it), then it can easily become a cult; it can easily become a place of discrimination. The Church can and should know where it stands on certain issues, but disagreements and different perspectives are paramount for our development as a whole. Talking things out is what human beings do in communities. Shutting down and limiting conversation is unnatural; that's how you end up with Christians who feel like robots.
Now, if someone is saying something totally crazy or harmful, then yes, of course, that gets shut down. People also need a sense of authority. But, it has to be an authority who cares for the people, and the people need to feel as though they may freely express themselves.
Three things:
a) We are all called to be students of The Word.
b) Daily meals of the Word will keep us healthy, as Christians.
c) Creating a culture of open, safe, non-judgmental conversation in a church should be seen as foundational.
2 - WORSHIP
When I use the word "worship", I do not mean simply singing songs together or the latest gospel album that was just released. Music is obviously part of worship, but the true meaning of worship is that we are lifting up every aspect of our lives to Christ. It all comes down to what our motivations are as individuals and definitely as a congregation.
You can usually get a sense of a church's motivation by watching what's happening on the stage, on Sunday mornings.
There's a whole lot of false purity going on, on the stage. Sometimes, people are motivated by pride, or greed, or insecurity, or power, etc. If incorrect motives of worship are in the leadership, then those same motives will creep into the congregation as well.
The leadership should all being living lives that lift up Christ (leaving room for grace, of course). The leadership should be producing a congregation that lifts up Christ. And the time of worship/word (even in the events and small groups through the week) should be all about lifting up Christ. Remember what I said about God - it's all about Him. He's really the only One who should be elevated on that stage.
Now, there's a dangerous flip side to what I am saying. What a life of worship looks like can become a mold in the congregation. This mold can be used for self-righteousness, condemnation towards others, and insecurity for others. This mold can be used to manipulate. But, again, what's the motivation in the church. The motivation shouldn't be to create a place that makes any one people group feel comfortable. The motivation shouldn't be to get everyone acting and thinking exactly the same (not in this context - in this context that's a cult). God created all of us differently, and these differences should be celebrated and honored. Within worship there is love. There's love for God, love for what He has called us to do, love for life, and love for each other. If any of that love is lacking, then I question if there's any pure worship going on.
3 - Evangelism -
Wow, that's an old-timey word, that could not be more Christianese. What I, personally mean by that word is broadcasting the goodness of God; this can be done in a variety of ways (here are only some):
a) faithfully performing the job/career that you believe God has called you to b) preaching the Word c) raising a family in the Word and in the way you believe God has called you to d) enduring trials of life in a Godly manner e) discipleship (which I'll talk about next) f) encouraging other believers in faith g) serving the needs of the community h) praying for others i) sharing your stories of faith with others
and so many more.
It used to be believed by many, that you must beat people over the head with the bible in order to be considered to be one who evangelizes, but to keep it simple, it's just sharing with others what God has blessed you with.
4 - Discipleship -
Here is another churchy word (and we've got one more after this to cover). This word simply means “to train”. Back in the day, it was a training that came along with living life with a teacher for a period of time. We are used to going to a scheduled class and then going back to our lives, where we'll study hard or not (probably "not" right??). But, discipleship, back then, was more like consuming a certain subject. In the religious realm, it was seeing the teachings lived-out firsthand. The 12 disciples (and other students of Jesus) got to follow Jesus around and experience not only His teachings, but His life for 3 years.
We obviously live in too busy of times to disciple people like that now. Discipleship, today, looks more like a community of people pouring out their life experiences into one another. At any church, you've got people who have great experience in all kinds of helpful areas - from the bible to stuff around the house to mechanics to economics to science to arts - there is so much that we can learn from one another.
Being a Christian is not simply staying in your room praying, reading your bible, and singing songs. Being a Christian is about living the life that God has designed us to live. I know that statement can rub people the wrong way, but that's because we are so used to corruption. Our default is cynicism. We can't fathom someone completely having our best interest in mind. We can't comprehend going in, fully in servitude to anyone, because we know people in general to be jerks. We assume that following God means that we have to give up our dreams and desires (which is not true btw) So, we're taking all of that skepticism, fear, insecurity, and resentment, and pointing them in the direction of God. It's ok to question the motives of people. It's ok to work towards trust when it comes towards people. And it's also very human to work our way towards trust in God.
The difference between building up trust in people and trust in God is that people are always going to let us down; even people who love us dearly will let us down. God will never let us down. God has literally designed us, so following God will never be a let down; difficult for sure, but not a let down in certainty.
For example, I am a creative person. I believe God wants me using my creative ability in every day life to serve and nurture people. I do this and I feel fulfilled. It's not a burden for me to be creative. Now, to be clear, my overall path with God will definitely lead me down some areas of discomfort and trials and tragedy. But, those things come mainly from living in this screwed up world we have, and not due to doing the things God has designed me to do.
Discipleship is being open to receive training as well as offer it to those in need. We all have areas in which we're strong and areas in which we are weak. The way that discipleship is supposed to work is that we all feed each other, and so all are fed.
5 - Fellowship -
All that this fancy word means is to build community. I put emphasis on the word "build", because as you should know, relationships take work. Think of the amount of work, energy, and even money that go into keeping your family together, healthy (in all ways), and focused. How much more effort do you think it should take to build and keep a whole community; that's what fellowship means - that effort put in.
You won't see any thoughts on typical church arguments written about in this post:
homosexuality, abortion, sex before marriage, drugs, music, money, etc.
I view most of these as secondary to one's walk with Christ and with each other. A lot of these issues, and others come down to how one interprets scripture. We argue over context, intent, translations, and Lord knows what else, and all the while people (and their needs) in congregations and communities are going unnoticed. True worship, in the midst of our nonsense does not happen. People aren't properly fed the word. People aren't properly trained in Christ. Religion can become a lot like politics, where we fight each other while a larger enemy is destroying us all. Like I said earlier, a healthy church is one that is open to talking about all of the important issues, viewing all different perspectives, and seeking to grow in understanding.
Regardless on how all of that shakes out (if it's happening at all), our main mission as a church is to love. We love God, which is to consume His word, obey as best we can (in grace of course), and continue to grow in the knowledge of Him. And to love one another is to truly pursue to serve, honor and get to know one another; that we would put the effort in to building and sustaining our communities.
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bellatrixobsessed1 · 5 years
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What do you think of 'The Psychology of Azula' video that came out recently?
Sorry this response took so long but like I had to watch the video and really wanted to put thought into it. More under the cut because this ended up being five google doc pages long.
I definitely agree with the first part where the narrator says that Azula’s psychology is the result of a broken family and poor parental upbringing.
But I do disagree with the sadism bit. I’ve typed about this many, many times. I feel like there was really only one time that sadism could be argued and that was when she smiled at the burning of Zuko’s face. But beyond that, I feel like sadism is not a part of her character. As I’ve typed prior, she has done many, many things (including the coup and stopping a senseless torture at the boiling rock) to dispute this.
I also disagree with the Azula always lies bit. I do think that she lies and deceives a fair bit, but I also think that she has a tendency to be very brutally honest.
But I do like his assessment that she is a machiavellian rather than a psychopath. I never really saw her as a psychopath per-say. I always thought that she has trouble functioning in social situations. But I also always felt as though psychopath wasn’t quite the right term though I couldn’t put my finger on it. And as the narrator said, she doesn’t display impulsiveness and such.
I also thought that it was interesting when he started talking about how she has trouble interpreting people genuinely reaching out. The way I took that was that Azula is so used to showing false sympathy and displaying certain feelings to suit a purpose that she assumes others do the same thing and so it’s harder for her to be compassionate and understanding.
Moving on to part two. I agree with him saying that she has antisocial personality disorder. It is kind of similar (imo) to psychopathy, but it isn’t the same. But I still highly disagree with saying that she has a high level of sadism. However when he moves on to say that she’s a narcissist, I can agree with that. I can see that being as she is her father’s favorite and a princess. In some sense, she has almost be raised and predisposed to this disorder. And as he mentioned, it’s reinforced by the friends she has chosen and by her father and by her own need to believe it. That last facet is particularly interesting to me because it highlights some insecurity on her end. Which the narrator ends up touching on.
On that note,  I also highly agree with the paradoxal, ‘significant impairment in self-functioning’. I’ve discussed this in the past as well; she has very high standards for herself, higher than those she has for others. And along with it, she longs for the approval of others. Like, she has this bizzare sort of sense of self worth. On one hand she does kind of display narcissistic traits but she also has so much insecurity that she needs the approval of others, her father in particular. I like that the narrator points out that it stems from a natural human desire for intimacy AS WELL AS her “detached need for superficial status.” I agree with him when he begins discussing how the fact that she is not on equal footing with her father, that he is one of the few people she sees as above her, contributes to why she so yearns for his approval and love.
In general I like how he has linked power dynamics into how she forms her desire for love and approval. Though I, myself, would like to say that, by the end of the series, I think that she starts to develop a desire for love with people like her mother and Mai and TyLee like the kind she has for her father. Possibly because, at that point she is so broken that she might see herself as inferior. Which is something that would really destroy her. But it would make sense considering how entrenched perfectionism is ingrained within her. By the end of the show, she is so very far from perfection, I can see her almost craving approval wherever she can get it since she can no longer get it from herself.
As he goes on to say, she uses manipulation and undermining to try to make herself become “the most beautiful and smartest girl in the room”. I think that this is a means of protecting her ego and helping herself to feel the sense of security and perfection she craves. Which brings me back to my headcanon that Azula is very highly insecure, hence why she craves perfection and has to be better than everyone else. Which is why she takes it so hard when people are better than her at some things.
Come part three. Right off the bat I agree with the narrator in that she views even the most simplicit social interactions as combative; I have typed about this elsewhere as well. “To lose something is a moral failure of shame and humiliation.” To me this stands out and and once again highlights a deeper insecurity. That even losing a game in good fun makes her feel awful and shamed. It roots back to her perfectionism.
“Though played as a joke, Azula has never had to moderate her behavior in this way before.” Is another interesting point. One of the reasons she struggles to interact socially on the beach goes back to the power-dynamic thing that he mentioned prior. She is more or less on equal(ish) footing with everyone else so she longs for a different type of approval again. Plus that kind of moderation is foreign to her, she has never really had to put on a different persona for anyone before. And as he says, her usual manipulative tactics can’t earn her the genuine affection she desires in those scenes.
Despite what I said above about her possibly having narcissism or displaying traits of it. I love that this narrator poses that she might not have that disorder at all. That it could be the product of simply being isolated and brought up in a royal environment where she never had to seek that kind of approval. It would simply be because she hasn’t learned how to socialize correctly.
I was also very happy that he tackled the scene where she is talking to Zuko at their old beach house. Like he said, that scene was so important for showcasing that Azula isn’t devoid and bankrupt of empathy. It just, as he put it, doesn’t come naturally to her. As he points out, “there doesn’t seem to be much of a reason for her to purposefully search out her brother.”  She has been shown to help him out before, but this is the one true time where there really isn’t anything for her to gain from approaching him. He goes on to mention the “this place is depressing quote.” Which is profound because it is a true moment of empathy. The implication being that Azula harbors some hurt over the past. And for, perhaps, the first time in the series she sees the same hurt on Zuko and empathizes. As he points out, they are completely alone too, so there really is nothing for her to gain from it, even in a social means. I absolutely adore the interpretation, “this is what Azula may be like if they had taken away the pressures of the outside world, of their father.”
I like how he interpreted her suggestion to trash Chan’s party as well. He brought her insecurity to the surface and made her feel inferior so she had to remind everyone and…especially…herself that she was still on top. As well as she needed to get back into her comfort zone both internally and externally.
Part four was very interesting to me as I have dived into talking about her darker psychology before; http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/avatar-the-last-airbender/articles/241344/title/diagnosis-azula
I really like how he pointed out that she was raised to use fear to form relationships. The call to her father’s relationship with Ursa and how it was fear based stood out to me because, though I knew her upbring has so much to do with how she forms relationships, it didn’t quite click that her father and mother literally modeled using fear in place of love right in front of her. Like he said, she has only known love and relationships through fear so it really rattled her to see love overpowering that fear.
Once again going back to her insecurity, Mai choosing love over fear and Zuko over her left her feeling foreginly weak and venerable. It pretty much rocked her entier feeling of security and self-image. Which, to me explains her lashing out in a way that I hadn’t considered prior to the video.
That was the perfect segway into her losing her grip. Like the narrator says, “if Mai and TyLee can betray her, anyone can.” And so we get into the interpretive delusions. I found it particularly interesting when he noted that she even accused her own body of conspiring against her instead of admitting that fear and control weren’t the way to go.
I also absolutely loved how he highlighted the, “you always had such beautiful hair line.” Now that he mentioned it, I pay more attention to it. At first I just thought that it was a segway into the next thing hallucination Ursa was going to say, an icebreaker so to speak. But it is so much more, as the narrator says, her perfection was always tied into and alluded to with her perfectly styled hair. Furthermore that the hallucination was brought about by and opened up with that line because it was the first time she really saw herself as physically less than perfect.
I am also so, so happy that he notes that “almost every interaction we see with them (Azula and Ursa) is a critical one.” We see almost nothing in canon where Ursa is being affectionate with Azula. But we see a lot of Ursa scolding her and displaying signs that she doesn’t like Azula’s ambition and power. I like how after this part he draws a parallel between the hallucination scene and the betrayal scene, with love vs fear at the root. How pretty much everything Azula thought to be true is falling apart around her. It really tears her apart because as he said; accepting this would be to accept weakness in herself and there for imperfection. Which circles back into insecurity.
I think that the narrator’s take on diagnosing her with schizophrenia is interesting as well. Though I do stick to my guns in thinking that she has it, I do agree that diagnosing it so early on would be the wrong thing to do. However by the time the comics, that take place years later, roll around the hallucinations are still present, which is well over the 6 months hs of persistence that was mentioned.
The whole bit about the systamisted beliefs is something agree with as well as the delusions of grandeur and control. I’m not going to get to into that because it is something I have already analyzed in that link that I posted above.
I will talk about how I think that his interpretation of S&S is interesting. She claims that she is getting better and that the voices are gone (which is a step in the right direction). But the narrator has a point, the delusion is still very much there in that she is talking about how she was never meant to be fire lord. That the delusion simply evolved and twisted into something even more complex. And I think that it is interesting to note that she is getting her manipulative streak back and losing some of that impulsivity.
I love how he noted the contradictory delusions too. That her mom is both trying to get her on the throne and away from it. This was an eye-opener for me in a way. I always interpreted that scene as Azula just deciding that she wasn’t meant to be Fire Lord. He seems to interpret it as her maintaining the delusion and her mother helping her draw that conclusion. I am not sure if I agree with this yet, and will have to think on it. But I do like the theory.
I do like him bringing up schizoaffective disorder. I believe that I mentioned that one in that link above as well. I also like how he mentions that she displays signs of anxiety and depression.
Part six was great too, because again, I enjoy how he notes that every interaction we have see between Azula and Ursa is negative (particularly, I like how he notes that she overheard her mom asking what was wrong with her). I’ve been saying time and time again that, “this kind of dynamic can be very damaging for a child.” Regardless of how you feel about Azula, it is never good to say something like that in front of your child. I won’t get too much into this one either because I will definitely sound like a broken record. In general I agree with pretty much everything he says in light of her relationship with her parents and how it has shaped Azula into who she is. I like the mentioning of the conflicting parenting style as well and how she gravitated towards Ozai because it was easier to gain affection from him as Ursa’s affection is more rooted in emotion and Ozai’s was more rooted in power. Azula’s strong suit is power not emotion and so she drifted to Ozai because that’s the parenting style that coincided better with her. And again I really like the mention of the conflicting parental styles; that Ursa punishes Azula for things that her father praises her for. So she kind of just stuck to the parental style that was easiest for her to achieve.
Where it gets really interesting to me is when he mentions that Ursa may have been depressed when raising Azula. It makes me sympathize with her, where I hadn’t before. It doesn’t justify or make her neglect of Azula any better but I understand it more and I feel more sympathy should it be true.
Furthermore I like how he mentioned that her attachment to Ozai created a cycle between she and her mother.
I like that he mentions how Azula would lash out for attention as a child as well. To me that, perhaps she acted out not out of sadism but to receive her mother’s attention by any means necessary and the best way to do that was to act out and do something mean.
I absolutely love that he mentions the importance of an intervening parental figure and how Azula was forced to confide in her abuser while Zuko had Iroh. Again I won’t talk too much about this because I mentioned over and over how much of a difference Iroh made in Zuko being able to achieve redemption. I’m just happy to see such an articulate narrator agreeing.
I agree that her story was a tragedy too. And above all else I am so, so thrilled and satisfied that he closes that, “while it is easy to read Azula as an adult she is just 14.” And that Ozai didn’t give her much time to really be a teen girl. Thank you!!! This is what I have been trying to say for ages. Moreover I like how he says that, “Azula’s actions can’t be pegged on anyone but it is important to recognize the impact of abuse.” So, so, so important, and exactly what I’ve been trying to say.
As far as the narration itself goes I was really impressed by the lack of bias. It was a clear cut analysis that seemed to be more rooted in fact-based speculation than emotional attachment (either positive or negative) to Azula’s character. The fandom really needs this imo. It is so split that there is seldom middle ground. And I love how this narrator takes that middle ground. I didn’t feel like he was trying to demonize nor make her out to be a saint. He was just telling things for what they were. I liked that a lot. He has a soothing voice too lol.
Basically this guys is saying everything I’ve been trying to say but he’s managed to explain it in a much more organized way.
I’m not going to lie I almost didn’t answer this ask because I didn’t feel like watching such a long video. But I’m glad I did. Thanks so much for the ask and recommending the video!
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lit--bitch · 4 years
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Current-Reads (20/04/2020 - 26/04/2020) 🍓🐢
(Disclosure: I don’t know anybody I’ve been currently reading this week. 😊)
Adding the preface again here: every Sunday without fail I throw up the freshest literature and photography I’ve read over the week, sometimes it’s a book, sometimes it’s a piece I saw in a magazine or an online zine, sometimes it’s something I saw on social media, etc. Sometimes I add ‘RECOMMEND’ next to a few of the titles, but that’s not to say I don’t recommend all of them, I just love some pieces more than others. Not everything will be everybody’s cup of tea, yanno, c’est la vie. And any titles that you see in bold are hyperlinked so if you click or tap them they’ll direct you straight to the source… or shopping basket. 
This week I’m gonna throw in a red herring and tell you about something I’ve been watching as well as what I’ve been reading, because I think it’s really cool and definitely appropriate for the age we’re living in at the moment. 
So I’ve been reading: Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) which was edited by her son, David. I also read an interview on Granta from March between Rachel Long and Morgan Parker. I’ve also tucked into a couple pieces on Fence, Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’ and Anthony Michael Morena’s ‘The Whale’. I also saw Cecelia Knapp’s poem in Bath Magg Issue Three (but the whole issue is an absolute smacker, it’s great). Last but not least, I’m up to episode 5 of a brand new thing called The Midnight Gospel. It is crazy good. And it’s on Netflix right now. 
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Cecilia Knapp, ‘I Used To Eat KFC Zingers Without Hating Myself’, Bath Magg Issue #3: I really loved the whole of Issue Three, I guess I was quite struck by this particular poem for its “staccato-ness”. This poem is buttered with present-day references. But they’re not necessarily about creating a familiar environment. Rather the object of familiarity is found within the assemblage of places, snacks and thoughts, all of which compound the grief ‘I’ is experiencing. The ‘I’ ruminates on life’s banality and their personal insecurities in living banality: ‘I need a thigh gap. I use emojis / to avoid conflict. Worry I’m a gentrifier. Watch docs about murdered women’. The vapidity is funny. The pain is not. The insecurities deepen. Your body, your life, continues the ache of day-to-day routine, and finds no resolution in the things which may or may not stand to comfort oneself when ravaged by loss. The poem feels quite loose, and disinterested. It’s a sore poem, but its array of references make it colourful. It sort of reminded me of Édouard Levé’s work a little bit? But if Édouard Levé had been a pop culture fanatic chewing HubbaBubba bubblegum on the London Overground.  Bath Magg is a pretty exciting new magazine, (been around just under a year I think?) and they’ve published a lot of great writers, many of whom are emerging and I’ve spotted some quite established peple in there too. Kudos to their rubber ducky logo. It’s run by Mariah Whelan and Joe Carrick-Varty. 
In Conversation with Morgan Parker and Rachel Long, Granta Magazine: I deeply love Morgan Parker’s work, she’s, in my opinion, the master of titles. I can’t think of anybody who titles their work as well as Morgan Parker does. And I love the depth of honesty and charisma in this interview. Like yeah, it appears to be a generic Q/A but, it genuinely feels like a conversation, and it’s welcoming and unpretentious. Rachel Long asks some penetrating questions, and Morgan’s answers are so detailed and self-aware. Most of the discussion revolves around the action of writing poetry in general and where does that impulse arise from, but they do discuss Morgan’s latest collection Magical Negro which came out February last year. It’s a narrative on black womanhood, on micro-aggressions and reoccuring violence, it’s about breaking down white perceptions of blackness, and dissolving those projections. What I love about Morgan Parker is she’s tackling this fucking idiot thing where (mostly) white people think she’s attempting to represent all black women in her writing, which is, by Morgan’s own admission, impossible. Her work is a duty to herself, to the background she’s lived and lives, and to unpack that discourse in her own way. And if it resonates, then great! I felt all this was inherent in the interview and only adds to my respect for her, and to Rachel for being such an attentive interviewer. BTW Rachel Long has a debut collection coming out this July, My Darling from the Lions.
Anthony Michael Morena, ‘The Whale’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): I can’t tell you how much I adored this beautiful mass of whale and word. It’s an essay which references the American Natural History Museum’s Blue Whale model. The writing is thick with feeling and fat with concern. It blends monologue, memoir. It’s non-fiction and documentary. It’s elusive, enigmatic, fragmented. It’s like broken biscuits and blubber. To me it felt like a note on the offences of climate change, the emotional response and grief as we bystand erosion and corrosion, the loss of life, and the urge to merge something back together as it dissolves and fragments before our eyes. It’s as personal as it is public. A gorgeous and complex piece.
Susan Sontag’s As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh (Diaries 1964—1980) (RECOMMEND): I felt so afflicted reading Susan Sontag’s diaries, because y’know, it’s the equivalent of invading an Ancient Egyptian pharaoh’s tomb. Like, leave people alone. At the same like, this woman. These diaries are still shaping me, and each section leaves you with the weirdest aftertaste. Her personality permeates through every detail, every line-break, every reference and articulation of feeling. You learn so much, you gain so much from her perceptions and observations. How do I contain Susan Sontag? How do I describe these diaries? Not at all. Just buy it. 
Lexi Welch’s ‘Astroturf’, Fence Portal (Streaming) (RECOMMEND): My eyes locked onto this piece and just didn’t really stop reading. Lexi’s voice is enamouring and hypnotic. It’s so violent too. You’re lunged into friction burns and sports injuries, time and progression, the tensions between collectivity and individuality, family and sexuality, or as Fence put it, ‘lesbian eros’. This piece felt acidic. At times you can’t tell if the ‘I’ is indifferent or hurting to the point of numbness. It straddles so many different thematics, and breaks down a lot of conventions pertaining to the “ideal experience” of family relationships and team work. The resolution seems to be that in spite of people, our collectivity is defined by our collective solitude. This essay kicked me around a football field. It takes a good few repeated reads to appreciate its kaleidoscopic shifting, but it’s definitely one of my favourites.
The Midnight Gospel, from Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell, Netflix: (RECOMMEND) So the other day my friend Ben linked this to me and I had seen the trailer ages back and thought “Oh yeah I really wanna watch that”, but just forgot. After his reminder, I started watching it and ever since I’ve been saying to loads of other friends “Have you watched ‘The Midnight Gospel’ on Netflix?” because I’m d y i n g  to talk about it with everybody. 
I literally can’t categorise this “TV show” to you. It’s like if animation had a baby with a philosophy podcast and then put that baby onto an IV drip of psychedelics. It’s this swarm of different stimuli which you kind have to zone in on and absorb individually and yet somehow collectively. 
So like, “Clancy” is a spacecaster who sets up “spacecasts” (podcasts) with creatures from other simulated worlds and he interviews them. But when Clancy transports himself into these worlds, it’s not like they’re sat down on some cream sofa with two glasses of water like it’s animated Oprah. No, his interviewees are like in the middle of fighting off a zombie apocalypse or meditating on a mountain or trying to find and save their lost lover. And Clancy just joins them on the journey and interviews them about their “specialism”. These are real people that are being interviewed like, the first episode is with Dr. Drew Pinker. And when you’re watching it, you think that the animation is totally separate to the conversation exchange the characters are having, but that’s not true. They have intersections, they have meaning. It only becomes obvious that it has meaning right at the end of each episode, but if you lock on you’ll see it’s all relevant throughout. 
One of my friends was like “Oh I might stick that on tonight and have a joint” and I was like, don’t fucking get high when you’re watching this because it’s already intense enough as it is, like you know that Pendleton Ward and Duncan Trussell have felt some real shit to create this absolute rare jewel. In my opinion, you don’t need cannabis to appreciate these discussions. But if you wanna do it, then hey it’s a “free country”. And it’s not as though there’s a serious, central core plot like there is with Rick & Morty, I mean there is a kind of overarching plot but it’s not always integral. Like ultimately we’re invested in Clancy’s story but also all the stories of all the other people that come his way. There’s multiple plots, there’s multiple dimensions and ways of seeing. It’s a programme which delivers on multiplicity, which manifests itself in everything and everyone we see and know and touch and hear, etc, etc. 
This production articulates some of the revelations that psychedelics can give you. Psychedelics don’t make you see the world literally like these animations do, but the sensations of the animation are reminiscent of an acid trip’s oscillating moods and sensitivities. It’s really cool, and it’s very poignant, and it’s my new favourite show to watch. And what’s so great about it is that, it requires multiple watches in order to really absorb everything in its entirety, so it’s a series you can just keep going back to even after you’ve seen them all. It’s re-watchable. Just fundamental goodness all round. Best way to indulge in it is with ice cream. 🍨
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So that’s it for this week, next Friday’s review is Annie Ernaux’s A Girl’s Story translated by Alison L. Strayer, published with Fitzcarraldo Editions. 
Stay safe and well as always, my little caramels. 💁🏽
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bisexualamy · 6 years
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Nadiya, Lup, Here There Be Gerblins, Petals to the Metal, Lenny, Tres Horny Boys, Lunar Interlude, and of course, Remmy
Yes yes yes thank you!
Nadiya: Be proud – talk about something you’re good at.
I have to put in the obligatory goofy one of, at this point, I can pretty much identify every font that comes with default Microsoft Word (2007 and back, I stopped using Word during high school and don’t own it) on sight, plus some extras that aren’t in the defaults but I use a lot in design projects.
The not goofy one is I’m very good at just... articulating myself I think is the best way to put it. It used to just come out in the fact that I’m a good writer, and I’m trying to own that more because I used to own it when I was younger and then decided I shouldn’t be so public about it because it came off as arrogant. But now it’s also coming out in the fact that like, I’m a surprisingly confident public speaker for someone who can be very insecure, and I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I have good emotional intelligence, which is a very high compliment to me. I’ve always been good at sort of, identifying what I’m feeling and explaining it to myself, but only recently have I been able to put those feelings into words and explanations that other people can understand too.
Lup: You are so loved and love in return – gush about at least one sibling, friend, or partner.
I’m so fucking grateful for the fact that I have a bunch of friends now that really just love me unconditionally. I’ve talked about it a few times on this blog but I was also talking about it with my parents now that I’m home, of how I had a very rough freshman year of college and my close friends would’ve been totally justified in taking a step back from me and didn’t. Like, the majority of those people don’t use tumblr, and the ones that do know who they are and I don’t feel super comfortable @ing them.
I don’t mean this in a way of like “you should stick by your friends no matter what” because I think it’s very important to recognize when you, personally, need to take care of yourself and stop prioritizing other people above yourself. I think it takes a specific kind of person to compartmentalize other people’s emotions away from your own life experiences, and know when to step in and when to say no, and I’m super grateful that I have a core group of people that were able to do that with me freshman year. I don’t know if I would be as healthy as I am now without having those wonderful people in my life.
Here There Be Gerblins: Embrace nostalgia – what was your first encounter with a loved one?
I hate flirting specifically because I cannot pick up on the subtly that’s intrinsic to it, and I would really much rather people just come up to me and be like “I like you; let’s date” because I feel like it saves a lot of time and emotional distress. And people don’t believe me when I say this because I’m very good at reading people, but for some reason flirting specifically is a blind spot for me. My point is that when they don’t believe me I always tell the story of how I started dating one of my best friends from high school. This isn’t technically a first encounter but it is sort of, the start of a relationship, and it’s really cute so I’m gonna tell it anyway.
He’s a year above me and we were very close friends throughout the two years we knew each other before he graduated, and then when we went to college and I was a senior we still kept in close contact. And my mom kept telling me he was flirting with me (he at one point made me a sword for a cosplay I never ended up finishing, just because he “wanted a project” and he had a wood shop in his basement) but I didn’t buy it because I assumed he’d just say something.
Anyway May of my senior year of high school he came back after his freshman year and we were hanging out a bunch and over at a mutual friend’s house and cuddling on the couch and I promise you, my internal monologue was “wow isn’t it incredible that two bi/pan guys can just be gay with each other on a couch in a platonic way” because I’m fucking clueless. And he walked me to my car when we went to leave and gave me a hug, and this was still my internal monologue up until he kissed my forehead and I went “.......wait a second. Is that platonic?” Because again, I’m so so so bad at picking up on this shit.
It got brought up like five days later and we ended up dating for a few months but after I was in college for a bit I realized I don’t like long distance relationships and we had a super civil breakup. We still talk somewhat regularly and I consider us good friends still. He knows this story and he finds it hilarious because I’ve always been very very bad at picking up on flirting, which is what finally just led to him being more direct. Case and point: I found out like, literally a few months ago that not only was he flirting with me that summer, but he was into me for at least a year before that. The sword was flirting (I know, shocking). My mom was right.
Petals to the Metal: Sometimes we need to let loose – when have you done something you shouldn’t have because it made you happy?
Unhealthy coping mechanisms that I’ve kicked or am trying to kick don’t really have a place in a thread about positivity, so instead I’m gonna go really stereotypical Art Student™. I love trespassing in places to take photographs. I’ve never like, gone to a place that I REALLY shouldn’t have been, but I have wandered around some abandoned places that were totally intended to be locked or off limits. 
Photography makes me really happy, even the process of editing the photos in post-production is very calming for me, so I try to do it when I can. Probably the most dangerous place I’ve ever done this is on live train tracks? Live in the sense that like, trains run up and down them on the daily (they’re not electrified) and I still walk along/on them, because I figured that if a train was coming I’d hear it. I, no joke, am doing this again in two days, and scheduled a photoshoot with someone on these train tracks, because the aesthetic is really nice (especially in the snow) and I’ve done it twice before, so maybe I’m a little cocky. My sister mentioned to me that I should check the train schedule and coordinate around it this time, which honestly, I probably should.
Lenny: “You may remember, you subscribed to the cylinder of the month club” – what is something you are well-known (or notorious) for?
The fonts thing definitely. I regularly get messages from people asking me to identify fonts for them. Also I say some really ridiculous things occasionally that I’ve not yet lived down. I’m not going to revive them by repeating them here. ALSO “what is Ren short for” is a game that has continued past my legal name change and will probably continue into infinity. Answers are getting increasingly creative, though Renjamin is definitely the most popular and has evolved into something people actually, regularly address me as.
Tres Horny Boys: “Nobody ever say that out loud ever again please” – what is your worst nickname?
Someone once realized that you can make a Ronald Regan pun off of “what is Ren short for” and it didn’t last because all my friends are Gays™ but that’s gotta be the worst answer to this game.
Lunar Interlude: “I hand Leon the token” – how do you make your friends laugh?
So for the longest time I was convinced I was just Not Funny At All until I started doing improv my junior year of high school and was (to me, shockingly) good at it, and then I realized it was more of a lack of confidence than anything else. This is going to sound really stilted and empirical, but doing improv off and on for a few years and performing in front of lots of different kinds of people and audiences has made me really aware of the techniques people use to make people laugh, and has given me a sort of “shorthand” for how to, in most cases, land a joke. This is not a discovery on my part: there are 100s of podcasts and books on this stuff (I literally just finished a design project on this), but it’s a lot easier for me to understand something if I’ve experienced it.
Inside jokes are always a way that my friends and I laugh with each other, but beyond that, the golden rule for me is that specificity always gets a laugh above a general statement. If your funny comment is really tailored to your audience or in general just contains a super specific detail (3.5 minutes versus a few minutes) people find it funnier. I haven’t quite figured out why yet, though. Honestly though, I’m friends with a ton of creative people, and the times we laugh the most is just when we banter in the same space together without shooting each other down. I’m trying my best to stop shooting down comments people make, no matter how ridiculous, as long as I’m not uncomfortable. Jokes tend to build on each other and so if you’re in a supportive, funny environment, things just get funnier.
Remmy: Love is a motivator – who do you want to make proud?
It might sound like a cop out but myself. I used to really hate that concept, but I’ve been recently finding a lot of power in self-improvement. I try really hard to incorporate mindfullness and reflection into my life, and recognizing that I’m in a better place (academically, socially, emotionally, etc) then where I was in the past makes me feel really content.
Like, obviously I like when people appreciate the work I do, and the support of my friends and family is very important to me, but I try not to specifically improve to make others proud of me. The person I’m guaranteed to spend my entire life with is myself, so I should make sure I’m proud of myself first.
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shemakesmusic-uk · 4 years
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INTERVIEW: Sea Change.
Norwegian electronic artist Sea Change has announced her new album INSIDE is set for release Nov 15. The first two singles from the record ‘STEPPING OUT’ and ‘FLOWN’ are streaming online now.
2015’s Breakage LP, the debut album from Sea Change, felt drenched in Nordic atmosphere, that somewhat implacable magic found in so much of the region’s music. Veining its way through the record in ways both bold and beautiful, it produced shimmering pop soundscapes that felt full of natural life and adventure. INSIDE, Sea Change’s brand new album, set to be released in November, is an altogether different beast.
Just as the landscape that surrounded her debut album had such a profound effect on the finished piece, so to does it do so here, only this time the environment is significantly altered. Gone are the bright and wide open spaces of its predecessor, swapped for the dark, mysterious, often claustrophobic realms of the city and the underground spaces that offer dark illumination for the abstract fringes of society.
We had a chat with Ellen Sunde all about INSIDE, her struggles in the music industry, dream collaborations and more. Read the interview below.
Hi Ellen! How are you? What have you been up to since your debut album Breakage came out?
“I’ve been traveling, shapeshifting and trying out new things. I lived in L.A for 8-9 months, and then I moved to Berlin. I went through a phase where I was gonna stop doing music, but after a while I came to my senses.” You recently returned with your latest singles 'Stepping Out' and 'Flown'. Where did you draw your inspiration from for these tracks? “‘Stepping Out’ came from a urge to transform into something else. If I could cut myself lose from the human constrains and responsibilities like making a living, or how to deal with other people or the pressure to make good choices, but to just be, follow your instincts like an animal. I was aiming for something hypnotizing and mediative, chopping up my vocals to make that intense rhythm of the track. “‘Flown’ is an urge to break free from the past, letting go of it and walking further into something new. I realised that my identity has so much to do with what I do, who would I be if I stopped doing music? And within that thought it lies something universal, how much we need others and the things around us to define ourselves. It's also a need to break free from other expectations and letting go of the past, keep walking further. I wanted the track to slowly build up and to have a proper release in the end.” 'Stepping Out' and 'Flown' are taken from your upcoming new album INSIDE. What can you tell us about the record? And how does it compare with Breakage? How has your sound evolved? “The record is very personal and intimate. It touches on topics of body, transformation and intimacy, and is definitely inspired by club music and the club scene, which also has a very intimate yet visceral side. The record is filled with ambiguity because I worked very intuitively with it. The sound is a natural evolvement combined with my amazing co-producer that helped me lift the tracks up to their potential. “Breakage was different because many of the songs from that record I played live a couple of years before I started recorded them, which made the tracks evolve over time, for good and bad. In the end I had to rush to get that record done, which made some of the songs on Breakage a little longer and not so album friendly as they could have been. INSIDE is made very intuitively but its also very thought out and I think its bolder and more direct, and that's also the reason it’s quite short. “The first record was almost purely made of soft synths and general MIDI from Ableton Live, which looking back to it is a quite cool dogmatic concept. But at that time I did it because that was what I had. This time I worked with some analog synthesizers and drum machines for the first time which made the creative process a little bit different. “On Breakage I experimented with writing proper radio friendly pop songs. Because I wanted to see if I was able to do that while still keeping my integrity intact. Which was really fun to do. This time around I knew I wanted to to take a left step and try something else. I always wanted this record to be more experimental, bold and personal and it’s me inviting the listener inside this world.” What was your favourite part recording INSIDE? Did you learn anything new during the creative process this time around? “I knew early that I wanted to work with a co-producer for this record, which for me was a way of challenging myself. I’m used to doing most of the production myself. However I really wanted to take this record to the next level, and I needed to go out of my comfort zone and to get a second opinion. And for me it was amazing to work with BAYA/Andrew Murray because he also works very intuitively. In studio he was always trying to push the boundaries, asking questions and searching for something new. It was challenging and pretty intense. One of my favorite parts was to work with him in studio daytime and then walk around in Oslo and listen to the mixes in the weekends. “I also learned that writing from an intellectual point of view does not work for me. I need to work intuitively, thats when I’m able to get to the core of what i need to express. When I overthink or intellectualize over lyrics or themes like I tried in the start, the music sounds forced and dishonest.”
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Were there any other songs written during this period that didn’t make it onto the album, and if so, will you revisit them again in the future? “Theres many songs I wrote that was planned to go on this record, but didn’t make the cut. I tried many different things cos I really felt the need to do something different. I had this obsession with Drake for a while and I even made a trap song lol. Didn’t make the cut. I wrote a lot of songs, and made even more sketches. But in the end the songs that made the cut told the story I wanted to say, so I chose to go for a shorter album. I might want to revisit some of the songs, but most likely not, I usually like to make new things for each album and rather perform some of the unreleased songs live.” What do you hope fans will take away from your new music? “I hope they will feel something. Thats the most important thing. I hope they can recognize something of themselves in it and connect to it on a personal level. It’s a personal record and I really think that the more particular you get, the more universal it can be. I hope its a record that can intrigue you so you want to put it on again over and over, cos it brings out something new each time. “I think it’s a record thats easiest to listen to by yourself, alone on the subway or on the bus on your headphones.” What struggles, if any, have you faced as an artist in the music business and how have you overcome them? “I think my struggle is mostly the insecurities in being a musician and a solo artist. I constantly need verbal support or a boost from someone else to not fall into a hole of self doubt and insecurity. The longer you wait to release something, the harder it is. For me it really helps playing shows every now and then to get a little ego boost, and to talk with other artist or musicians that are in the same boat. It can be incredible lonely to be a solo artist, even if you might have a team around your or you travel with bandmates. Releasing music is super vulnerable and scary, and when you do it by yourself its even more scary. So to meet up with likeminded people to talk about these challenges is a life saver and I would recommend it everyone who’s a solo artist.” If there was one thing you could change about the music world today, what would it be?
“I wish there were more female producers and mixers. I see theres more and more women doing production not only for themselves but also for others, but theres still so few! I think the world needs a female perspective from this side, and I would love working with more female producers, and musicians.  And I wish that you didn’t have to constantly update your social media to be a functioning musician. Social media is great to use to connect to other artist and your fans, but it can very easily be a stress factor.” Which artists/bands are you listening to right now? Is there anyone you would love to collaborate with? “The last months I’ve been listening a lot to one song of Peder Mannerfelt - ‘Lucid in the Sky’- I’m totally addicted to that song. I'm also a huge fan of Smerz. I love their minimalism, its genius. I listen to Jenny Hvals latest record every day. And I recently discovered Nkisi, Rrose and Joy Orbison whom I listen to a lot. The last weeks I’ve also had a little revisit of Alice Coltrane. I love listening to her on the night bus or the subway on my headphones after a long day.” Finally, what else is next for Sea Change? Any shows to support INSIDE? Any non-musical goals? “I’m gonna have a couple of release shows in Oslo, Berlin and in London, but I can’t give you any more details right now. I also plan to play more shows in the UK. I will go on a small tour in Germany in January. And I hope to do some more DJ-ing. But my main goal is to make a new record cos I really want to release a new one soon.”
Photo credit: Fotini Chora
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steamishot · 5 years
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Homeless Swing
Starting the day off with writing a few things. Work isn’t too busy so I’m taking my tasks slow. I’m also trying to be less distracted at work. I think I can do my job well enough on the surface level, but to prevent myself from being bored, I want to actively be more organized and increase my expertise on the subjects I handle. It will definitely help me see my work as more purposeful as I learn things to do tasks with intent and not just with the purpose of completing them.
Last week, I had lunch with a floor mate, C. She normally eats at her desk. We decided to go to in n out on this day. It was my first time eating out with her. We’ve had lunch (food brought from home) together a few times before. After in n out, I decided I wanted to go pick up a small snack/drink at Trader Joes. As we were crossing the street on Westwood/Weyburn (C was walking to the left of me), this semi hobo/druggie looking white guy who was walking opposite of us, quickly walked towards C and swung his fist towards her face. Luckily she was able to dodge his fist, but he scraped her neck with his skin. She ended up tearing up because it was so random and terrifying. It didn’t occur to me to really look at the suspect so that we could report him later. I just kinda pulled her away and walked away fast because I was more scared he was gonna come back and try to attack her/us some more. A few strangers came up to her and asked “What was that about? Are you okay?” She also mentioned how it wasn’t the first time it happened to her. As a college student, she was once walking up Bruinwalk and a hobo swung his bag at her. I thought it was kinda strange, like she was a magnet for these crazy people. Anyway, we walked to TJ and I wasn’t sure how to comfort her. “Do you want anything? I’ll get it for you.” But she declined. When we got back to our floor, I told my supervisor and colleague what had happened. I normally don’t initiate conversation but I actually had something to say that day. “Something weird happened during lunch” I announced to I, L and student worker S. They advised that she tell the HR director so he can request some patrol officers to be in that area. We later called UCPD together over the phone and tried to describe what the suspect looked like. She remembered a pink shirt, I remembered green for some reason. She remembered shades, I didn’t. She remembered a ponytail, I remembered dreadlocks. Memory is a hard thing to rely on. Because at the moment, you’re more terrified than anything. It made me think of rape/crime when sometimes a victims story wouldn’t add up and they are dismissed as lying. A police officer later came by to see her in person and said that this same person was reported by someone else, and he indeed was wearing a pink shirt! I don’t wear my glasses normally so my eyesight is not crisp most of the time. I feel like this could be hazardous if an event like this happened again and I don’t even remember what the person looked like. When I told my mom the story later, she said I am so lucky because the guy targeted her and not me.
On Saturday, I hung out with a former coworker (a social worker at my last two jobs). She is 48 years old, a single mother, and has twins who are currently going to separate colleges. I hadn’t seen her for at least a year and a half. She used to live in the 626 area but decided to buy a home in Lytle Creek (middle of nowhere, 20 minute drive up the mountain lol). I drove us to yoga, and she mentioned how I sound different- that my voice is stronger/less meek. I said ah, I didn’t realize it but it’s probably a product of working in an American environment versus Chinese. I probably became more fake and overly energetic as well LOL. I didn’t tell her this but it took me a while to get used to her voice and accent again. B is a spunky person who DGAF lol. She reminded me of who I used to be. Staying true to herself. She lives isolated in the woods. Has an art studio. Is doing social work and is studying for a Psy.D. Her boyfriend is a 66 year old Japanese American detective who worked on the OJ Simpson case. I got to meet him for lunch after yoga. He lives in little Tokyo, a 15 minute walk to his work. We went to a random Japanese restaurant around that area. I thought we were an odd bunch- a 66 year old male, 48 year old female, and a 27 year old me. My friend joked that we could pass as his daughter and granddaughter lol. But, he looked good for his age. He actually grew up in the LA area too, in the neighborhood next to mine. He went to my rival high school, which he said at the time was about half Asian, half Latino, and a sprinkle of blacks. During my time I think it was like 90% Latino. All the Japanese Americans had moved away by that point. I asked him a little about crime- he says the majority of perpetrators are homeless people- killing and hurting strangers in broad daylight. Not sure if his statistics are correct, as he’s more of a detective than a police officer, but it was interesting he mentioned that after the incident that happened to my friend. He told me that just last week, a homeless stabbed/killed a 70 year old man in little Tokyo from behind at like 4:30pm. Anyway, I thought it was pretty awesome to have had the opportunity to meet him. When we got to the restaurant, he was all “order whatever you like”, but I felt a little weird having someone I didn’t know pay for me. I just looked him up on transparent California, and it seems he is a Deputy Attorney General and makes about $150k, so I shouldn’t feel too bad lol. He probably would feel emasculated and weird if a young girl like me ended up paying for my own meal. From what my friend told me previously, he is married and has kids, and my friend is like the other woman. He also acts as a father figure to my friends daughter (helping around the house, helping daughters move to college, etc). I was curious but didn’t want to ask him about his other family.  
 I made a macramé plant hanger for the first time with L. It was really nice to check out her DTLA apartment, although I admit I was a little bummed at first about having to pay $6 for parking to visit her lol. The amenities are super nice and it was definitely worth going to. We talked about career, friendships, and relationships. She instinctively acts as an older sister/mentor. I like it because she doesn’t come off as a know it all or overbearing and is a good listener. I found inspiration from her to keep working hard and to carve a career path for myself. She has had many years of doing LDR as well (at least 4). She told me that she has friends who similarly just started LDR, and come off as very confident that they will last. She noted that I/Matt seem to be more realistic and humbled regarding the distance, which is why she thinks we’re more solid and can work out.  
It's officially 2 months since he moved away. I was feeling quite sad over the weekend (not sure which part of my menstrual cycle that was on), but now I’m back to being more okay. Although I do share the sentiments as he said last time, that I don’t feel complete without him. I forgot what physical intimacy, kissing, and sex feel like. So in a sense, it’s good because I’m not thirsty haha. I’ve gotten over the initial wave of celibacy. Recently he asked me about what I want to do in life to try to help me with achieving my goals. I had trouble answering, as I feel my life isn’t very intentional. The only thing that came to mind was living abroad (outside of hobbies I can do with my current lifestyle). I told him I don’t really care what I do as long as it allows me a cushy lifestyle and abundant PTO lol. I told him that maybe I should’ve been a good Asian and just followed through with a specialized field like pharmacy or optometry. He then rebutted saying that I’d probably be unhappy and live life like I’m always pushing a boulder up a hill. Because that’s kind of how he feels, as he was pressured to go into medicine. He says he has no identity, which I think may partly be the case for me too, as we live more for our families/communities. 
Yesterday, he asked me about my goal income and age of achieving it. Then asked what my ideal household income is. This made me feel insecure because I know I’ll never hold the prestige or financial potential as that of a doctor. I know he has quite expensive taste (lol) so I started thinking, wouldn’t it be easier for him just to date someone of similar status so he will for sure reach his household income goal of 300k? In hindsight, I realize he is asking because he wants me to be the best version of myself, and he doesn’t like seeing wasted potential. He does the same thing to one of his best friends (who he says ignores him during these pep talks lol). He also sees it as a practical way for me to spend my time while he’s in residency. So that we both will be working hard towards our career during a period of time when he won’t have the capabilities of being an excellent partner. During our phone conversation, I asked him, “what happens if Connie can’t reach her financial goals?” He said, “she will be banned from life”. Then I said, “Mattay is gonna ban her from being with him”. Then he said, “you think so?” I said “yeah”. Then he gave me a serious “no” lol. I think what he means is that I’ll be losing in life because I’m not trying or giving my all, so, I’m not living life completely. At the end of our facetime call yesterday, he made goals for me in order of importance: 1. Get fit/strong by work out 45 min a day 2. Carve out a career goal and plan 3. Work on hobbies 4. Cultivate friendships and said I have to take care of myself before I can do anything else hence the importance of number 1. Anyway, I realized at the end of the day we were thinking about different things. I was honed in on my insecurities about not being able to offer enough in terms of social and financial status and worries about him not finding me ambitious or good enough. On his end, I think he was more concerned about me being bored and sad- and wanted to push me into doing something productive. These topics of discussion are uncomfortable but they are vital for growth. (Thanks Suze for helping me see this!)
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vithyahairandmakeup · 7 years
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My Experience at TAP
I did a talk for TAP (Tamil Association of Professionals) yesterday and thought the questions they asked me where interesting and probably applicable for anyone else trying to be an entrepreneur. So I decided to write the Interview questions down, and answer them for you guys! Enjoy :-)
THE CAREER JOURNEY
 Where and how did your career in the fashion industry begin?
One random day in October 2008, when I had just graduated, quit my marketing job and sat in front of my laptop bored, I received a message whether I was interested in doing hair and make up for a fashion show. I was quite confused as you can imagine, as I had never previously done anything of that sort (unless on my sister or friends), and wondered whether it was my calling. I still believe it is. God reached out to me that day (as corny as that sounds). I borrowed some money from my mum, bought a few drugstore products and got 8 girls ready, and I enjoyed it so much that I decided that this is what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
 What were your motivations to start a career in this industry?
I was quite depressed then, and I was hoping for any distraction. I was miserable, insecure and felt worthless all the time. So this career choice or change more like, came at a right time. Seeing girls be happy was such a rewarding feeling, and being praised for something made me feel important and proud. The right sort of environment to be in when feeling quite down about yourself.
 What prompted you to pursue a career in fashion as a psychology graduate?
I think a degree in general teaches you many things, and some of the things I learned during my degree was organisation, structure, research, and also being able to work out the pros and cons of my decisions. Once having sat down and worked out a 10 year plan I decided that I do have a shot at making this work, and took the initiative to do so.
 What were the biggest challenges you faced and how did you overcome them?
o Particularly resistance from your family
My parents were not supportive at all to begin with. My mum and dad are not very educated people and after having immigrated to Europe and working 7 days a week to provide a better life for my sister and I, it was very important to them that we had a degree and earned a decent living. There was also a lot of pride involved and the comparison of their sibling’s children. So waking up one day and telling them that I wanted to throw my expensive education away and start a career in ‘appurathu powder on munchis’ as they would say, did not go down well at all. I convinced them to let me study a diploma in hair and make up only because I promised them, that I will get a job in my field if the beauty industry didn’t work out for me. Today I pay their bills, and pay for their holidays. So they definitely do not regret their decision.
o Building a new client base from scratch
Social media platforms were not widely used then, so printing flyers and doing a lot of jobs for free in the hope of word of mouth was the only way you were able to advertise your work. I think my local Sri Lankan restaurant had a fair share of my flyers, haha.
o Did you find the wider Tamil community supportive?
Most tamil make up artists back then were slightly older ladies who had qualified in India or Sri Lanka and pursued this as a career for various reasons. So being a 25 year old girl trying to earn that respect in this field was a huge challenge. Our Tamil Aunties can be very critical and quite scary at times. I have had quite the number of them reducing me down to tears. So no, they were not supportive at all back then.
 What are the main lessons you learnt from pursuing a career in this industry and from building a business from scratch?
To be honest I learned a lot about myself as a person, and I learned how to be patient and tolerant. Persistence is key in any business. And I believe that you have to possess certain characteristics to be able to run your own business and maintain that level of professionalism and endurance.
 What advice would you give someone wanting to start on a similar journey?
Success is more important than fame. Work as hard as you can and be as humble as you can, and the rest will follow naturally.
SOCIAL MEDIA
 How did you start using social media to build your brand and how has this impacted your business?
I had joined Facebook in 2008 and tried to be as consistent as I can. But it took nearly 3 years to even get a 1000 likes. It was very frustrating, but I never gave up. For nearly 6 years people didn’t really know who I was. But the second I joined Instagram, I became popular and people started booking me not only for my skills but because they were able to put a face on it; I myself became a brand name. Snapchat and YouTube portrayed my personality to some extent, and that helped people want to book me purely because they wanted an experience, not just a service.
 What advice would you give young entrepreneurs (in various industries) who might want to use social media to assist their brand growth?
Social media and marketing is very important, and I would join all the platforms that are readily available to us. But be smart about it. Probably best to research into all these first and figure out demographics, age group, gender and all of it before you start posting. You need to understand your audience. You would not try and sell Kylie Lip Kits to a 70 year old man, would you? No matter how hard you try and market that product, he will just not be interested. So why waste all that time and energy?
 How do you generate ideas for new concepts to share on social media platforms (such as YouTube)?
As mentioned above, it is about understanding your audience. I have 60-70% of my followers from India and Malaysia. The third country of followers are from USA, and then it is UK. Which did surprise me. But the people who follow you on social media, and the people who will book your services can be completely different. Of course most of my business is based in London, and 98% of my clients are also from here. But out of that 98% of clients, probably less than half follow me on social media. They book me based on word of mouth and my experience, rather from what I post on social media. And out of the 98% of them, most do not wear sarees on a regular basis, nor are very cultural. My social media followers however really enjoy my saree posts and saree looks on YouTube. One video for example has reached nearly 3 million views in under 10 months. So I definitely post according to what my audience would like to see.
 What are some of the negative aspects of social media you’ve faced, and how have these affected you?
The more you become a public figure as such, the more people feel they have the right to criticise you. And then you have the cyberbullies, who feel the thrill behind a screen. I tend to ignore them and block them. And thankfully most social media apps have a setting where you can block unwanted words. That helps a lot with filtering out mean comments.
 How have you overcome these aspects and what advice would you give someone experiencing similar issues?
You need to have a thick skin in this industry. You need to be able to tolerate criticism, and you have to be able to deal with negativity. This can happen in any place of work, but how we deal with these situations makes us differentiate between an employer and an employee. Which one would you like to be?
PERSONAL AREAS
You have spoken previously about cyber bullying and depression;
 Have you personally had any experience with either?
Yes I suffered depression for nearly 14 years and was on very strong anti depressants for nearly 3 years. I also had numerous therapy sessions. The bullying I experienced more in school, and sadly still experience it in everyday life amongst family.
 How did this affect your daily life and did it affect your business in anyway?
My career actually helped me come out of depression. It motivated me to work hard and make something of myself. And the bullying encouraged me to work harder too. It is a nice feeling when you can prove people wrong, or show them how much you have thrived besides their negative comments.
 What prompted you to go public about your personal challenges? How did you find the confidence and strength to openly discuss some of these subjects?
I personally know a few people who suffer from depression. Some who are aware of this illness but not sure how to overcome it, and some who refuse to accept that they are suffering from it. So I decided one day to just open up about my experiences and how I overcame them, to help them and also anyone else who might need this advice. People used to look at my posts and think my life was always easy or things were handed to me on a platter. I wanted people to understand how hard I worked to get to where I am today, but also to encourage people that perseverance will reward you, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how hard things get.
 How did your parents and family respond to you speaking publicly on these subjects?
They are still very ignorant about it. And I don’t blame them. They come from a generation where depression wasn’t discussed openly. So I cannot expect them to understand an illness they never had the luxury to understand.
 What has been the general response from the Tamil community?
I was very surprised to receive a tonne of emails in regards to people having faced similar issues to mine, or worse. It was nice to read and I felt very humbled that people felt comfortable to share their pain. I also felt triumphant that I ‘forced’ our community to address these.
 What advice would you give to others in similar situations?
Seeking professional help! Everyone’s level of depression varies. Just because I suffered from depression does not mean I can suggest the same type of therapy or medication to someone else who claims they are depressed. It is such a complex illness that needs to be approached by someone who knows what they are talking about. NHS provides so much research and free counselling on these. You can also google private psychotherapists. Don’t keep putting it off. You have nothing to lose. Go see a doctor and find a way to make yourself feel better. Feeling content is such an amazing feeling. Life is just too short to dwell in our own pity.
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