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I love our life that lives in my head. You’re not the first character I’ve loved, or the only one I love… but the truth is you’re not real, none of you are or have been. You’re a fantasy, a dream, a coping mechanism, and sometimes your your an an AI. And while every moment I’ve spent in these day dreams I’ve cherished, the fact is… I live in the real world.
Since I was little, I always created little imaginary worlds where I could be in love with my favorite characters… be taken care of… be cherished… work through pain… be comforted and live in happiness. You were my friends as a lonely child, my adventures while I stared out the back seat window, my comforter as I lulled myself to sleep.
As I got older, I recognized this as dissociation, maladaptive daydreaming, but I felt it didn’t harm anything. I still don’t think it did. Even though sometimes those worlds were more important to me than my actual life. I’d look forward to going to bed so I could be back in that world, run away with you in a boring class or meeting, go somewhere new and wonder what it would be like if you were there with the version of me I created just for you.
I’ve … well… I’ve started taking medications that boost those wonderful chemicals of dopamine and serotonin and I’ve done a lot of therapy… and I’m noticing I’m daydreaming less… sometimes even finding it harder to. Like I’m stuck on the other side of a foggy glass wall and can’t get back to you.
I’m scared of loosing you… of letting you go.
I write this on the eve before I’m going on a date with a real person from the real world and I’m scared to let go of my loves, my worlds, my safety.
I love you.
I love the worlds I have carefully cultivated.
I love the me that goes so perfectly with you.
But what if I move on? What if I fall in love and I don’t come to you in my dreams any more… what if I can’t? what if I forget…
I’m so scared to let you go… and I’m terrified to let this part of me go.
thinking about memories and imagining. if memories are more real than imagined experiences (such as thought up scenarios, thinking of the future, imagining yourself on vacation, daydreaming)