I'm so utterly & so completely obsessed with you, my lighthouse,

always searching, yet never finding, to seek is to remain hopeful:

beneath the fragments, the chalice of trust dwells much deeper,

& the loyalty I have for you is something so pathetically single;

am I good enough for you to stick by through the rainstorms?

The surroundings stays the same.... It's you who changes~

No, I don’t care that you’re messy and loud and sometimes annoying. I love you anyhow. Come over tonight. I will cook for you in the kitchen—it’s green tiles and the sun that peaks in through the windows. Come as you are. Leave your hair messy and your skin blank and your body cloaked in plain clothing. I find you most beautiful in that state—natural, beating, tender, alive. I will make us soup in my cleanest pot. It will be steaming and hot, but not too hot that it burns. I will love you enough for it to always keep you warm, but never in such a way that it hurts.

You seem like someone I should get to know.

Just don’t get too close.

Or I’ll never let you go.

- M

michaeldelaguerra.com

love can be scary. there's a fear of happiness because it is addictive. and sometimes you never see it coming. and you don't know what to do with it. just like you'll never see the coming of its end. it could be abrupt. you won't know what to do with it.

when I fall in love, I think of death. 'this will be the death of me', even when it's the safest you've ever been. because love can be pure but it is greed, just the same. holding a body is not enough, sometimes you could devour the soul too. and that's the danger.

bodies are fragile and the souls are always ready to fly. when healthcliff cried, "you said I killed you–haunt me then!", I was 12 and I believed in it with my heart, my soul and the brain as well. so I still do. with love comes parting and the terrible terror of it's anticipation.

of course, I try my best to not let these terrors cast shadows over my love. happiness rules me when it arrives. but the nightmares remain, like dust in the corners of a bedroom floor. invisible, insignificant, but definitely present.

life, love, death. they are all related. I hope that one day I would be haunted by my love. if ghosts aren't supposed to be real, I want to be the one to say goodbye first. I'll try to find the light for her.

I don't want a mild love, I'm not here to caress your ephemeral skin, but to devour your heart out and plant a fire instead. I want to make you the light of my eyes, my sacred heaven...

i would give up my soul to bring you back to me

Ne jugez jamais un être d'après son air innocent... Parfois la souffrance nous transforme en un monstre incontrôlable... Ce petit démon a creusé un nid douillet dans mon coeur... Ses racines ont poussé jusque dans ma tête... Pas de murmures, ni de voix... Juste des pulsions... J'ai appris à le calmer par mon propre sacrifice... Il déteste les miroirs car je peux le deviner au fond de mes yeux... Il craint autant l'humanité que moi... Voilà comment il m'a approché... Quand la vie m'a refusé, il a pris sa place... Je ne suis ni immortelle, ni invincible bien au contraire... Si fragile... Que le moindre choc pourrait me précipiter dans la tombe... Le problème c'est que je n'ai jamais eu peur de la mort... Elle me fascine... Beaucoup trop dans les moments de désespoir... Dans mon esprit tout est en nuances sombres... Même mes sourires cachent des torrents de larmes... Je suis ainsi... A prendre ou à laisser... Avec le temps, j'ai accepté la réalité... L'abandon est toujours leur choix... Je ne changerai plus... Je ne me trahirai plus...

you open a girl’s notes app on a Sunday night

Hug me like the night holds the moon.

Is Death scary?

Death scares us. Fear of it coming, slowly and steadily. Fear of it happening, so suddenly, so unexpectedly. We fear that we won’t do things that we wanted to until our time has come. But it’s not really a death that we fear, but time.

We fear that we don’t have enough time. We fear that we lose time, over and over again, until we have none.

It’s a temporary fear. Death will take that fear away.

We also fear how much it hurts. How painful it would be when the time will come. It’s not death as well, it’s a fear of pain. Lucky for us, it’s a temporary as well. Death will make sure that it will be quick, almost as you got a small paper cut. It hurts, but for a brief short moment.

Death comes with the fear of unknown. We fear what we don’t know. We fear what awaits us after death. The moment we go into the light, what will happen to us? It’s not written in the book nor Internet, it is not an interesting fact that your friend knows. Neither of your parents knows who used to be people with answers. Even the renowned geniuses who are supposed to have answers to everything don’t know.

However when you’re gone, will you think about it? When you’re gone, you will have your answer. It’s not for long, so wait until it comes to you.

Everything what we fear about it isn’t so much scary at some point. So, tell me, is Death scary to you?

I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to hurt myself:

not anymore, & I don't want to hurt those who love me,

I never wanted to do that, & I hate myself for doing it;

but sometimes, the voices scream so fucking loud...

As if all the lights in the world would help me escape the darkness in my mind....

just can’t express how deeply, how passionately I want…to be good. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I never want to do anything that makes someone feel worthless or invisible or ugly or gross or uncomfortable. I can’t stand it that it’s impossible. It hurts so much to know I have made people feel like this and I will again in the future, knowingly and unknowingly. I want to be good. I want to be light. I want to make people feel loved and beautiful and worth it. I feel like it’s not enough. What I am…is not enough. I need to do more. I need to be more. I need to be better.

[ independent country, chained soul. pain smells horribly in my body. be good. be good. be good. there's an angry daughter inside of me. she cries to be heard. ]

I had the potential to turn out well. but something went wrong. and this ripple grew slow to swallow my canvas whole. now I'm covered in my own blood, sticky and wet, and soot smudged on my broken face. I'm splashes of color, no coherence, only rotten emotion, pure hate.