Accidentally stumbled across @venulus post (please excuse me for the sudden tag 🙇♀️) so i guess i’m tagged 😂
Tag 9 people you’d like to get to know better
Last song
saw a post of someone briefly mentioning this song and i’ve been on a 24-hour looping fes
will never get over my oshis singing the theme song for ikevamp - i almost cried: fav group x fav otome game oTL
Currently reading
Webtoons: Suhee0, Match Made in Heaven, and A Heartfelt Andante
Manga: Gokurakurai, Jigokuraku, and I’m a Mob but my Oshi is Here so Everyday is Fun
Currently watching
Jigokuraku (i don’t have the attention span to follow throught with shows oTL )
Current obsession
👉👈 clavis , gouache painting videos, and my baby bean
——✨TAGGING✨——
✨YOU✨ poor unfortunate souuulss
(who are reading this) >:3 have fun ~
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Please don’t take my sunshine away.
It was longing. That feeling in his chest as though his heart was being pulled by an invisible string.
He longed to go back there, to breathe the same air and watch the trees sway to the wind, the birds chirp a little too early, the children clapping and singing without a care in the world.
That was the only place he knew, the place where he could be himself, effortless smiles, crazy thoughts and notions, a place where he could be as free as a bird and preen under the attention he got from them.
It was his sunshine, whenever he dreamt of that place he wished it never came to an end. He wanted to go back because he loved the place but more importantly because that was where he first met her.
Her beautiful brown eyes, that lit up whenever she smiled, the crinkle on the side of her eye when she laughed, the way she’d throw her head back when she laughed real hard, the way she’d tap him lightly when she found something interesting, her graceful movement, the crease between her brows when she was curious and lastly her beautiful heart. It was there he’d met her.
Her father was the owner of the café where he liked to have breakfast; she was the one who served him that day, all smiles and curious glances. He always got that look from people and he was used to it but from her it was different, he found himself sweating and itching to talk to her, she kept her distance, only coming when he asked her to. He decided he’d had enough and he just walked to her and introduced himself. She smiled, satisfied with herself and shook his hand. He thought her voice was beautiful, her hand was so soft and had some scars he wished he could trace but he retreated and settled for a smile. She looked at him knowingly and gave him another cup of coffee on the house. That day when he walked out of that place he knew she was the one. She was his sunshine.
Every day, he’d go there, talk with her, forget his orders and get a free cup of coffee. With time, he started coming with gifts, flowers and those things he thought she’d love and oh holy angels! She loved them, she’d hug him tight and in her true fashion she’d give him coffee on the house.
The night they went to dinner, she initiated it, she took his hand and they walked to a beautiful building where all kind of cuisines were served and they sat and talked and talked and talked till all the customers left and the place closed. That night when he walked her to her doorstep and she smiled shyly and kissed him on the cheek, he knew it was her.
After three months of seeing each other, they decided to take things to the next level, where they’d normally hold hands and smile, they traded kisses and long stares. He knew he wanted to continue life with her. His life had been dark but the moment she stepped in, everything brightened up.
God how much he loved her.
He stayed back because of her. He left the big city and moved to the country side, he loved the country more. Who would pass up an opportunity to eat fresh food, enjoy serenity and just feel at peace leaving the noisiness of New York behind? Who would? So he stayed back and they built a business and a family and it was perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
It was funny really, how one moment people were alive and well beside you and the next moment they were gone, they would go to sleep and never wake you up with their beautiful singing.
She wasn’t ill, she was healthy, and she just slept forever, no goodbyes, nothing.
He had to find out from the mortician that she was pregnant, she didn’t even know.
Those were the scariest two years of his life, he’d dream so many dreams of them running up and down the hills and then she’d disappear, sometimes, she’d sing him to sleep and the moment he’s asleep it as if he was drowning under water.
One night before he moved out, he dreamt he held her in his arms but when he woke, he was mistaken and he hung his head and cried.
So when he passed through that particular building, it reminded him of her and that night when they lay under the stars and made promises to each other, she taught him another language and she held his hands and let him trace the scars.
He found himself missing her all over again, missing the way she seemed to make all his worries disappear, missing the way he put a smile on her face.
And one morning, he was tired of longing for her when he could just be with her.
So he did it, he hung himself and died.
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As a late diagnosed autist I will say one of the most damaging but transformative experiences I've ever had was being misdiagnosed with BPD.
Everyday my heart goes out to people with BPD.
The amount of stigma and silencing they face is astonishing and sickening.
I took DBT for years. Therapists use to turn me away because of my diagnosis.
I would be having full blown autistic meltdowns, crying for help literally - but because I was labeled as BPD ANY time I cried I was treated as manipulative and unstable.
As if the only reason I could be crying was if I was out to trick someone.
95% of the books out there with Borderline in the title are named shit like 'How to get away from a person with Borderline', 'How to stop walking on eggshells (with a person who has BPD)'
I was never allowed to feel true pain or panic or need.
That was 'attention seeking behavior', not me asking for help when a disability was literally inhibiting my ability to process emotions.
There were dozens of times where I had a full meltdown and was either threatened with institutionalization or told I was doing it for attention.
My failing relationships weren't due to a communication issue, or the inability to read social cues. No, because I was labeled borderline, my unstable relationships were my fault. Me beggong nuerotypicals to just be honest and blunt with what they meant was me pestering them for validation.
Borderline patients can't win.
And the funny thing is - I asked my therapist about autism. I told her I thought I was on the spectrum.
BPD is WILDLY misdiagnosed with those with autism and I had many clear signs.
Instead - she told me 'If you were autistic we wouldn't be able to have this conversation'. She made me go through a list of autistic traits made clearly for children, citing how I didn't fit each one.
And then she told me that me identifying with the autism community was the BPD making me search for identity to be accepted - and that I wasn't autistic, just desperate to fit in somewhere.
I didn't get diagnosed for another ten years. For ten years I avoided the autism community - feeling as if I were just a broken person who wanted to steal from people who 'really needed it'.
Because of my providers - I began to doubt my identity MORE, not less.
Ten years of thinking I was borderline and being emotionally neglected and demonized by a system meant to help me.
To this day, I still don't trust neurotypicals. Not fully.
I know I'm not borderline now - but my heart aches for them. Not for the usual stuff. But for the stigma. And the asshole doctors. And the dismissiveness and threatening and the idea of institutionalization hanging over their head.
I love Borderline people. I always will. I'm not Borderline but if you are I love you and I'm sorry.
You're not a bad person. You're not a therapists worst nightmare, you are a human with valid feelings and fears.
Borderline people I'm sorry.
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