crush culture
masterlist & descrip. pg-13. 13+. fem!reader. swearing. toxic, manipulative, near abusive ex mention. use of 'y/n'. lyrics are out of order. crush denial. 1.5k words. in reponse to @ghostworrjed 's ask bc i accidentally wrote it wrong & posted it lmao.
a/n. STOP IT ILY. first fic for this event is a conan gray song n im living for it | the last paragraph was rushed bc the song was starting to give me a headache
crush culture by conan gray | this is apart of my 500 follower event!
”i'm done! okay, i'm done! are you fucking happy now?!” you'd screamed, reaching for your keys off the dresser. your boyfriend stared up at you from the couch, a dark look in his eye that made your hands tremble in just the slightest. behind you, you'd already started to turn the door handle and pull it, opening the door, still facing him. ”yeah, i am. you know why?” you didn't want to say anything, you wanted to leave. but as if his words were a drug, you responded, ”why?” breathless, your eyes giving way to your fear. the man sat far from you smiled, the same smile that always told you things weren't going to end well. ”because you'll come back. because we love each other.” despite how he meant it sound, you could still feel the venom spat from his mouth. you could feel it tingle against your skin, you could feel it in the air as you slammed the door shut, anger and sadness fighting to stay behind your eyes, you could feel it on the hoodie you were wearing that was actually his.
you'd gone to stay with your cousin that night. she doubled as one of your best friends and stayed up with you the entire night. she wasn't amazing at providing comfort, but she let your cry it out on her couch, she let you sleep in her guest bedroom, she took the next morning off work to stay with you. she also convinced you, along with the ill intent behind your boyfriend's words, not to go back to him.
”y/n, my dearest cousin and best friend in the entire world, can i offer you a piece of advice?” she'd asked, pulling english muffins from the toaster onto her plate. for the first time since you'd sat down to eat, you looked up from your plate. ”yeah, go ahead.”
”why don't you try.. not dating, just for a few months?” you knew to take everything your cousin said with a grain of salt, but maybe she was onto something. every time you'd gotten out of a major relationship, there was a cycle that you never strayed from, and that was; breakup, then have a rebound, then go on two dates with different people, and then dive into another long-term relationship. ”uh, yeah, i'll give it a try.” it came out more sarcastic than you meant it, but by the smile you got from her, you assumed she could tell.
by the time you'd left her house that day and were on your way back to your own place, you'd decided to take the time off from dating.
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yes, it had been a few months since your breakup with your ex. yes, your ex was still texting you, every other goddamned day.
after news of your breakup had travelled throughout your friend group and your cousin's friend group, it was a mutual friend – one neither of you had heard from in a long time – who reached out. sapnap. and recently, you'd been spending more time than you would've liked to admit with him. it slowly went from one coffee out to cheer you up a few weeks after the breakup, which mind you, took a couple of cancellations to get set up, to you texting him whenever you wanted to go out and get away from everything. the next month you were telling him what your ex would say in the texts he'd send you.
in your mind, there were no sirens, no flags raised at how much time you'd spent talking to sapnap. even when he started coming over to your place or you started going over to his place, you didn't think anything of it, because at least you had him to distract you.
i'm not falling for you, 'cause this baby is love-proof.
yes, you'd been spending a lot of time with your friend sapnap. yes, he'd started to become apart of your daily routine to talk to. yes, your cousin had raised concerns over your weekly dinner together. no, you didn't feel anything for him. you didn't feel much of anything for anyone. but when you were with him, much like when you were with your cousin or your other friends, you were smiling and laughing. you were happy.
”do you want me to order something in tonight?” sapnap asked from your couch, head hung over the back to look at you in your kitchen. lifting your head up from your fridge for the fifth time in the hour with a sigh, your head turns to him. ”yeah. can we do ubereats this time? the last time i doordashed, they forgot my sauce.” you pushed the door shut lazily, taking steps back toward the living room as he pulled his head back over the edge and opened the ubereats app on his phone. ”whatever you want.” he offhandedly smiled at you and you've could've sworn your heart stopped for a split second.
oh. shit.
the whole rest of that day you went on as if you weren't on high alert. you couldn't have a crush, not yet, because your six months weren't quite up yet. by the time it was time for him to go, you were internally panicking. just don't see him for a week, that'll fix it, that's what you told yourself.
and initially, it did work. you told sapnap you were sick, and your cousin brought your groceries over that week and all was well in the world. and when you did hang out with him next? there was no heart stopping of any kind, and so you resumed your hanging out with him how you had been for months.
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”what do you think of this?” you'd asked him over facetime, stepping back from the camera to show off the new hoodie and jeans you'd bought that you thought paired really well together. ”i like it, but i think it would look better on my floor.” your heart stopped, but not in the same way as before. this time it was from how outrageous this sounded to you.
”excuse me?” you asked, picking up the phone to bring it up really close to your face. ”you heard me.” he replied simply. nonchalantly.
oh no, don't look in their eyes, 'cause that's how they get you, kiss you then forget you
your cousin stared at you, wide-eyed, jaw slack at your story. ”listen, y/n–” you cut her off. ”i know what you're gonna say, and no, i don't have a crush on him. he's just messing with me, obviously. anyways, i can't wait to be done with these months of being crush-free.”
after giving you a minute to catch your breath, your cousin speaks again. ”so what i was gonna ask, y/n is, are you fighting it? you know, having a crush?” she asked, pulling her mug of tea back up to her lips. she took a long sip in while you mulled over her words. ”no, i don't think so.” your words were flat out simple, but the way your fingertips tapped into your palm gave away your lie. ”uh huh, sure. let me know how this whole thing with sap goes.” she responds, taking another sip from her mug.
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ok, maybe your cousin was right. maybe you were fighting having a crush. maybe you were fighting having a crush on sapnap.
crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out, spill my guts out, spill my guts out
every time you went out on drives later into the night, every time you called him at midnight and he picked up, every time he texted you about something interesting that'd happened to him throughout his day, every time he flirted with you, you felt heart your stop. you also felt it flip and spin and your stomach twirl and flutter as if butterflies were locked inside.
still, you didn't do anything about it, because you couldn't. you made a promise to yourself, and you wanted to see it through.
what you didn't know, was that sapnap was feeling very similarly. he'd started flirting with you moments before he realises he had a crush on you. but he couldn't do anything about it, because you told him a week later about your deal with yourself, and he knew how badly you wanted to get through it. so, of course, he wanted that for you too.
in the mean time, he flirted but would stop himself short of anything truly meaningful and he would avoid going for the hugs he oh so badly wanted, and he would take advantage of every minute he had with you. oh, what a shame it was to feel so much, and repress it for your sake and for the sake of the person you felt so much for.
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to say he was happy when you'd called him at 12:01am one night to tell him that you were officially through your six months was an understatement. to say he was ecstatic when you told him how you felt about him moments afterwards was an understatement.
pray4saint© do not copy, translate or repost my work without my express permission.
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