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argielloyd · 6 years

Text

CTTO Laftrip

And BEFORE you bother me, these are my subtexts on the following profile declarations:

1. STRAIGHT ACTING = The entire planet knows he's gay, 'cept him! Severely in denial; has goatee. Likes boys and callboys alike and uses Aficionado perfume.

2. GYM BODY = Does nothing the whole day but cruise inside the gym and the showers. Longest relationship was with a dumbbell.

3. BUFFED = Steroid-induced pecs and abs. Knows all sources of fake protein. Favorite word: "Dude!" (Pronounced as “Dod”)

4. NO EFFEMS = Thinks that having a relationship with someone effeminate makes him a lesbian.

5. SEVEN-INCH DICK = Asus. In reality, it's just 5 inches! In gay inches, you always add two more inches to everything you measure.

6. YM ME = Jealous type. Does not like competition in chatrooms.

7. I'M NOT EASY TO GET = Desperate but trying to sound choosy.

8. I'M HERE FOR SEX = I'm here for sex. Period.

9. HANDSOME GUYS ONLY = “I am a shallow dork and I have a brain the size of a walnut. Did I mention even my dog hates me?”

10. JUST HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS = Did not make any friends in FaceBook and in life. Was kicked out of Dogster because they found out he does not have a dog.

11. GOOD IN BED = Needs a place to crash in but cant afford a pension house. The things he does for a good night’s sleep.

12. WHAT'S YOUR PASSWORD? = “I'm so horny I want to jerk off now.” Cant afford a decent paysite so gets off with x-rated pics of members.

13. TOP = Has had more girl friends and zero boyfriends.

14. BOTTOM = Has very bad knee injury, or sleeps under your bed, literally.

15. I'M NICE = Dull, boring and has the personality of an ironing board or a wet mop!

16. I'M BAD = Just swallowed a dozen viagra pills. Has a tattoo, nipple ring and wears an ukay-ukay leather jacket during summer.

17. THIS GUY'S MAILBOX IS FULL = Won't check his inbox cause cant afford an hour's worth of internet café.

18. "WALA LANG" = Has a ten-word vocabulary which includes ��cool”,“hi”,“wassup”, “he he”, “ha ha” and “tnx.” Longest word he can write is his name.

19. I AM ATTACHED = Cannot mention the word love. Has commitment problems.

20. I LOVE TO TRAVEL = Looking for a sponsor for his next overseas trip. Always starts a sentence with "When I was in Europe..." Then you ask: "Where in Europe?" He says: "Ah... city proper!" Wow. Europe City.

21. IF YOU'RE NOT CUTE, DONT EVEN BOTHER = Lonely and miserable. Nobody takes care of him when he gets sick. Has 500 “friends” in Friendster and FaceBook cause he approves everyone--mostly strangers!

22. I AM SENSITIVE, LOVING, CARING AND HONEST = You are probably reading your mother's G4M account.

23. I GIVE GOOD MASSAGE/EXTRA SERVICE = A masseur who got suspended where he worked because he wears too much face foundation.

24. MY MOBILE NUMBER IS = read: "Tawagan mo ako, kasi wala akong load".

25. NO PIC, NO REPLY = Read this from someone else's profile and copied it. Doesnt know what PIC really is. Wanna bet?

26. DISCREET = Loves to hang-out in extremely dark places. Haven't even seen any of the faces of all the men he's had sex with. One of the few people who gets excited during blackouts.

27. HAIRY DADDY = Lots of chest hair but for some strange reason - head is bald.

28. CURIOUS STRAIGHT MALE = Can’t decide if he’s top or bottom. So decided to act lesbian instead . . .

29. A BODY PIC WITH NO HEAD = Shrimp. Or Wanted by the NBI. Or doesnt know how to take his own picture!!

30. KINKY = Owns collection of large Liwanag candles for November 2. Hides petroleum jelly under his bed. Ass is moist 24/7. Go figure.

31. SWIMMER’S BOD = Used to call himself gym-bod; now wants to sound catchy.

32. FLAWLESS COMPLEXION = Photoshop beauty. Blurred. Dodged. Liquified.

33. VIRGIN PA AKO = Chances are HE IS. Who in his right mind would be proud to be still a virgin?

34. VIEW MY WEBCAM = Frustrated Pinoy Big Brother contestant.

35. DON’T TEXT, CALL ME = Cant actually read your sms/txts..his Nokia 3210 LCD has obsolete spare parts! Tawagan niyo na lang, please lang.

36. I’M A SEX MACHINE = Disease carrier. Ouch!

38. QUIET AND SOFT-SPOKEN = Probably dead.

39. MACHO = Avid Masculados fan; join their mall tours. Uses WD-40 as lubricant.

40. BLANK PROFILE = Has no clue who he is, what he wants and where his life is going. Casted in JURASSIC WORLD.

42. MESSAGE ME = What he really wanted to say in tagalog was: "Gusto kong magpamasahe sa iyo." Typo error??

43. HOMEBODY = Unemployed guy. A bum. Free-loader. Professional home-partner contestant in Eat Bulaga, Wowowee and Game Ka Na Ba.

44. OUT-GOING PERSONALITY = No air-conditioning in his house. Pretends to be a mountaineer, hiker, biker, etc. Doesnt understand the word 'outgoing' and no 'personality' to match his claim. Gargoyle.

45. I DONT LIKE CASUAL SEX = Only has sex when in formal wear, like when he is in a Saya, or Barong Tagalog, for example.

46. LOOKING FOR A SOULMATE = A former member of Spirit Questors. Enjoys supernatural relationships. Cant handle the stress of the physical world.

47. I AM NOT HANDSOME = Take his word for it. He's being honest for chrissakes!

48. I'M HANDSOME, INTELLIGENT, GORGEOUS = Mister Perfect! -- with character/humility issues.

49. STUDENT = Has insatiable thirst for knowledge... and sex. But remember: STUDENT means TUITION FEE sponsorship.

50. I AM TISOY = Contact lenses from Tutuban, skin peeling by Maxipeel, hair color by Tsin Tsan Tsu and rhinoplasty from Ellen's. Speaks a little chabakano.

51. SHY TYPE = No serious love since birth.

52. I’M SENSIBLE = Can carry a simple conversation for 2 minutes. Beyond that he simply moans.

53. I’M A MAN OF THE WORLD = He wants to make it clear to everyone that, YES, he is from this planet.

54. I’M A REAL PERSON = People have often mistaken him for an ornamental plant in the past.

55. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET = He has no plans of changing for the better. He is completely content with himself. Little motivation in life.

56. I’M NOT JUST INTERESTED IN SEX = He uses PlanetRomeo to desperately advertise and sell you condos; Or asks you for Room For Rent referrals. Or recruit you--and balance--his (right/left) multilevel pyramid group. Works on commission basis.

57. LOOKING FOR BADMINTON BUDDIES = In search for the perfect shuttle COCK. He wants to SCORE big. On the look out for RACKET. And he really wants to SERVE.

58. BISEXUAL = A “top” with girls, a “bottom” with guys. And willing to 'buy' sex. Get it?

59. BOYTOY = It’s very clear that he wants everyone to know that he is young. And he has a toy. Now, Whether he is willing to share that toy is negotiable.

60. DOG-LOVER = A hot bitch who likes it dog-style. Loyal. Man’s best-friend. Pees everywhere. Doesn’t mind if you tie him up to a fence and urinate on his face.

61. YOU THINK I’M HOT? = He’s not really sure if he IS hot. Needs a second opinion. And a third. The fourth will probably convince him… that he is NOT.

62. NATURE-LOVER = Very kind to nature… considering what nature has done to him.

63. MALIBOG AKO = Masturbates five times a day. Has 80GB of pornography in his PC. Has the complete collection of phone scandal videos. Watches National Geographic just to see naked men hunting wild boar.

64. COWBOY = Has seen Brokeback Mountain too many times. He talks to his cigarette and says: “I wish I could quit you!”

65. I’M SIMPLE YET COMPLICATED = Uhm… this one really blows me. Probably manic depressive.

66. NO CROSS-DRESSERS = Doesn’t want to share his satin gowns.

67. DERETSO AKONG TAO = Has a very strong back. Drinks Anlene Gold regularly.

68. I DARE YOU TO SEE ME IN PERSON = Unfortunately, nobody dared.

69. COME AND GET ME = I am not so sure if this is an invitation, a request or a cry for help.

70. TYPICAL GUY = He has two arms, two legs, a nose, a pair of eyes… uh, what else. Oh yes, a penis. Typical.

71. SELF-MADE MAN = He appeared into this world just by his sheer power of thought.

72. CANDY BOY = Wants to be licked all over. Comes in three flavors: BAGONG LIGO, PAWISAN and LUMUSOB SA BAHA.

73. I AM SENSITIVE = Can sense an earthquake even before it happens. He is now being studied by scientists to warn the human race of future tsunamis.

74. I HAVE A WONDERFUL MIND = His temporal lobe, anterior commissure and medulla will give you a hard-on. Oh, yes… he has a pornographic memory.

75. I AM THE LIFE OF THE PARTY = A Boyoyong party clown. Brings his own make-up set and catalogue of Avon beauty products for demo purposes.

76. DECENT GUY = Wipes his feet before entering a massage parlor. Brushes his teeth after giving someone a blowjob. Says a little prayer before and after sex. Confesses regularly... on his knees.

77. OPEN-MINDED = His brain is everywhere except in his head. A perfect medium for séances.

78. COME OVER AND LET’S HAVE SEX = Thinks that Guys4Men/PlanetRomeo is a delivery service.

79. HOPELESS ROMANTIC = Believes that love is eternal. Easily trusts everyone. Gullible. Thinks Mike Arroyo is innocent.

80. I AM FUNNY = That fact that he has to say that he is funny is hilarious.

81. PURE TOP = Has a ten-picture exclusive contract with a porno film outfit which prevents him from being a bottom. Will only become a bottom when the 'right' project comes. Pure nga!

82. EXTREME TOP FOR EXTREME BOTTOMS ONLY = Will only have passionate sex with an Extreme Magic Sing microphone shoved up their asses while viewing the Amazing Race!

83. TRIPPER = Has a marijuana plantation in his backyard. Uses tie-dyed shirts, showers twice a month and responds to "Tsong." Does not a have a day job.

84. ASTIG 2 ASTIG LANG = A former seaman. Ideal places for sex: barracks, breakwater, inside a jail cell. Must have during sex: handcuffs, Purico cooking lard and a cd of Aegis.

85. NO TO CHUBS = Say what???? Take a hard look at YOURSELF, you idiot! What have you to offer?? GET A LIFE!

86. OPEN RELATIONSHIP = he doesn't get this: he swore by the gospel it means he is Open TO HAVE a Relationship.

87. I HAVE NO PLACE FOR FUN = evicted!!

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