#come get ur hurt/comfort nowwww
Text
7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th
Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.
Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.
Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)
We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD
When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)
I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.
Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.
We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...
I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.
Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online
People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...
My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...
If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj
My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.
That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.
And he said at some point that he missed
My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.
As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.
... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?
I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.
Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.
Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...
She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.
It actually hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.
Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.
:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.
Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?
Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.
Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.
Wait. Where does that leave me?
Alone? Again?
Alone?
ALONE????
Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪
But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.
FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.
Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.
I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.
Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.
Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.
If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well... perfect life.
Whatever.
My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.
Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.
1 note
·
View note
Text
3:38 p.m. Wednesday June 30 2021
Song reccomendation:
Hey guys. We went to the mall again because it's too hot to go outside. I l1fted a bit but I did buy a blue and purple tie dyed tank top for summer and a Slayer shirt from the hot topic.
We had funsies, me and my friend were chatting and stuff. Not much to say.
I'm feeling sucky now cos we got lunch at the italianos store and I wanted to get Dulce De Leche because what's the point of going to the italianos if ur leaving with NO dulce de leche....?? Its so yummy. My mom said yes but my 11 YEAR OLD SISTER LIKE FLIPPED OVER THE CAN AND READ OFF THE GRAMS OF SUGAR AND CALORIES!!!!! liKE WHAT??? ITS NONE OF UR BUSINESS JESUS!!!!!! thanks for triggering my uh disordered eating... cos after that I wanted to cry and I just put the can back and remembered how fat I am and I ALMSOT HAD A BREAKDOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE LIKE IT WAS THE WORST FEELING...
Now I'm worried about my CaLoRieS and jesus it's the worst feeling... thanks sister who is eleven and REALLY MEAN?? she literally calls me short fat and ugly all the time... I think my mom and sister make me the most insecure. My mom is always ragging on what I eat how much I eat what time I eat it's the WORST PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE???? like I'm trying. You think I don't ALREADY feel bad??? Like okay way to shame your HEALTHY BMI (bmi 22) child for... eating a sandwich for lunch? I can't even. Like YEAH IM A BIT CHUBBY BUT IT HURTS MY FEELINGS FOR Y'ALL TO POINT IT OUT COS IVE BEEN INSECURE MY WHOLE LIFE AND I JUST CAN'T EVEN. I CAN'T.
.... but we had fun at the mall. So yeah.
I think I ended up l1fting like, a choker, some masks (for covid), fake nails (for my sister), and some hair bands (since my hair is crazy in the morning and always gets in my eyes)
Also some mentos XD but I won't be eating those since I feel like shitttt thanks family ily ♡ /s no I don't
Also that stuff I was talking about being upset over the divorce? Last night? I'm better now so dw.
.... I'm ravenously hungry right nowwww but. We are going to ignore that. Because hungry is good. Itz good to be hungry it means you're on the right track and if you stay hungry long enough you DO lose weight. You just gotta stay hungry. ALSO, ALSO IM TRYING TO AVOID BLOATING because if I bloat then I get insecure with no top on,,, and it's hot out, so what I wanna do is keep my tummy flat ALL DAY so I can wear like just my sports bra or smthn... i hate saying that I'm wearing a bra but like thAt's what it is if I called it anything else I'd confuse you.
If you're on this blog for the first time,,, I'm MALE, so like don't just assume I'm a girl.
I feel like I dont pass enough but also I dont really mind? Like people keep calling me a girl but I dont see it? I personally dont think I look feminine??
.... I guess when I'm naked... JAY.
and when I dont bind, and my voice, but that's about it.
Also uhm. I'm kinda a kleptomaniac. I'm gonna check the diagnostic criteria for that because... I sorta l1ft every time I go out. Even if I dont NEED anything. It's not a problem, since I'm not getting caught, but it's still a CRIME and I should try and slow it down a bit.
At least I'm not HAULING as much as I used to.... I would FILL my mfing backpack, bro. I would go nuts. So I gotta try n be more careful so I don't get caught. I take too many risks... sex!!!!, theivery!!!!, and light drugs.
But isnt that what being 15 is about? Idk. I'll post pics of what I l1fted to my l1fting blog after I remove the metadata/exit data (location data) so I don't get doxxed...
Also I dont know if I told yall this but I might get contact lenses :) I think glasses make me look ugly so i dont wanna wear em. Also i hate having em on my face all the time it's just plain annoying.
4:18 p.m. update: okay so we're going home.
My mom is being kinda annoying shes like mocking me... Whateverrrrrrrrr idc. Jay is at his friends house rn, Eden is busy and Erin proabably won't come if Eden doesn't come so I guess I'm resigned to biking alone tonight.... probabaly after I pack all my shit of course.
11:20 a.m. update:
I didn't end up going biking... we took the bottles to the bottle depot, I got 20 bucks, and so did my sister even though she didnt even come :P
I got home and just went online. I was scouring Encyclopedia Metallum for any good active local metal bands that I could potentially see live in a concert in my city!
I ate okay today, kinda ate more than I intended to before I slept because I was so hungry :| willpower 0 (zero)
Anyways I ate to maintain today :/ which is okay I guess.
I'm a bit upset since my dad was crying about the divorce and like I tried to comfort him and said it's okay to cry and stuff but... MAN THATS PAINFUL.... and like... shouldnt it be the other way around? I hate this. I hate everyone feeling bad. And I hate having to be so grown up.
Oh well... I was always the hound of hell, not the lamb of god.
4:15 a.m. update
Everyone wants to hang out with me XD so I gotta ask about that
Roadtrip soon.
Idk, not much to say.
I'm uh, listening to MUSIC right now. I love music and I wanna play bass again. I also feel very insecure and want to cut my junk off so that's fun.
:P
Goodnight ig
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
ellenent
Ellen's Art
chriskotcher
chris kotcher
moonmoon
☀️
tokerjanestravels
TokerJanes Travels
sinnercryer
Ahoy There!!