#childhood youth dependency
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I bought this on a whim and I just started reading it, but I have a feeling I'm in the process of discovering a new favorite author
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“[C]hildhood must be endured and trudged through hourby hour, through an absolutely interminable number of years. Only death can free you from it, so you think a lot about death, and picture it as a white-robed, friendly angel who some night will kiss your eyelids so that they never will open again.”
— Tove Ditlevsen, Childhood, Youth, Dependency (p. 28)
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Childhood, Youth, Dependency by Tove Ditlevsen - Book Review
This trilogy of autobiographical novellas from one of Denmark’s best-known poets and writers is one of the most striking memoirs I’ve read, reflecting on life, art and addiction with remarkable, matter-of-fact clarity and honesty.
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#autobiography#book#books#Childhood Youth Dependency#Danish literature#literature#non-fiction#opinion#reading#review#Tove Ditlevsen
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Why we don’t like it when children hit us back
To all the children who have ever been told to “respect” someone that hated them.
March 21, 2023
Even those of us that are disturbed by the thought of how widespread corporal punishment still is in all ranks of society are uncomfortable at the idea of a child defending themself using violence against their oppressors and abusers. A child who hits back proves that the adults “were right all along,” that their violence was justified. Even as they would cheer an adult victim for defending themself fiercely.
Even those “child rights advocates” imagine the right child victim as one who takes it without ever stopping to love “its” owners. Tear-stained and afraid, the child is too innocent to be hit in a guilt-free manner. No one likes to imagine the Brat as Victim—the child who does, according to adultist logic, deserve being hit, because they follow their desires, because they walk the world with their head high, because they talk back, because they are loud, because they are unapologetically here, and resistant to being cast in the role of guest of a world that is just not made for them.
If we are against corporal punishment, the brat is our gotcha, the proof that it is actually not that much of an injustice. The brat unsettles us, so much that the “bad seed” is a stock character in horror, a genre that is much permeated by the adult gaze (defined as “the way children are viewed, represented and portrayed by adults; and finally society’s conception of children and the way this is perpetuated within institutions, and inherent in all interactions with children”), where the adult fear for the subversion of the structures that keep children under control is very much represented.
It might be very well true that the Brat has something unnatural and sinister about them in this world, as they are at constant war with everything that has ever been created, since everything that has been created has been built with the purpose of subjugating them. This is why it feels unnatural to watch a child hitting back instead of cowering. We feel like it’s not right. We feel like history is staring back at us, and all the horror we felt at any rebel and wayward child who has ever lived, we are feeling right now for that reject of the construct of “childhood innocence.” The child who hits back is at such clash with our construction of childhood because we defined violence in all of its forms as the province of the adult, especially the adult in authority.
The adult has an explicit sanction by the state to do violence to the child, while the child has both a social and legal prohibition to even think of defending themself with their fists. Legislation such as “parent-child tort immunity” makes this clear. The adult’s designed place is as the one who hits, and has a right and even an encouragement to do so, the one who acts, as the person. The child’s designed place is as the one who gets hit, and has an obligation to accept that, as the one who suffers acts, as the object. When a child forcibly breaks out of their place, they are reversing the supposed “natural order” in a radical way.
This is why, for the youth liberationist, there should be nothing more beautiful to witness that the child who snaps. We have an unique horror for parricide, and a terrible indifference at the 450 children murdered every year by their parents in just the USA, without even mentioning all the indirect suicides caused by parental abuse. As a Psychology Today article about so-called “parricide” puts it:
Unlike adults who kill their parents, teenagers become parricide offenders when conditions in the home are intolerable but their alternatives are limited. Unlike adults, kids cannot simply leave. The law has made it a crime for young people to run away. Juveniles who commit parricide usually do consider running away, but many do not know any place where they can seek refuge. Those who do run are generally picked up and returned home, or go back on their own: Surviving on the streets is hardly a realistic alternative for youths with meager financial resources, limited education, and few skills.
By far, the severely abused child is the most frequently encountered type of offender. According to Paul Mones, a Los Angeles attorney who specializes in defending adolescent parricide offenders, more than 90 percent have been abused by their parents. In-depth portraits of such youths have frequently shown that they killed because they could no longer tolerate conditions at home. These children were psychologically abused by one or both parents and often suffered physical, sexual, and verbal abuse as well—and witnessed it given to others in the household. They did not typically have histories of severe mental illness or of serious and extensive delinquent behavior. They were not criminally sophisticated. For them, the killings represented an act of desperation—the only way out of a family situation they could no longer endure.
- Heide, Why Kids Kill Parents, 1992.
Despite these being the most frequent conditions of “parricide,” it still brings unique disgust to think about it for most people. The sympathy extended to murdering parents is never extended even to the most desperate child, who chose to kill to not be killed. They chose to stop enduring silently, and that was their greatest crime; that is the crime of the child who hits back. Hell, children aren’t even supposed to talk back. They are not supposed to be anything but grateful for the miserable pieces of space that adults carve out in a world hostile to children for them to live following adult rules. It isn’t rare for children to notice the adult monopoly on violence and force when they interact with figures like teachers, and the way they use words like “respect.” In fact, this social dynamic has been noticed quite often:
Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority” and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.
(https://soycrates.tumblr.com/post/115633137923/stimmyabby-sometimes-people-use-respect-to-mean)
But it has received almost no condemnation in the public eye. No voices have raised to contrast the adult monopoly on violence towards child bodies and child minds. No voices have raised to praise the child who hits back. Because they do deserve praise. Because the child who sets their foot down and says this belongs to me, even when it’s something like their own body that they are claiming, is committing one of the most serious crimes against adult society, who wants them dispossessed.
Sources:
“The Adult Gaze: a tool of control and oppression,”
https://livingwithoutschool.com/2021/07/29/the-adult-gaze-a-tool-of-control-and-oppression
“Filicide,” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filicide
#repost of someone else’s content#medium repost#Alba M.#purity culture#ageism#adultism#youth oppression#childism#child abuse#parental abuse#youth rights#youthlib#youth liberation#parricide#nuclear family abolition#anarchism#note: I would consider reevaluating the demonization of adults who kill their parents too#many victims remain entrapped well into adulthood#there are still a lot of issues of economic dependency and control especially for young adults#and I don’t think such a totalizing power imbalance engendered in childhood is so easily levelled#even if an adult does become financially independent#likewise for adult victims of intimate partner abuse: also structurally made difficult for them to leave#even if not criminalized to the same degree#anti-abuser aktion
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i want to read everything at once. which of course means i read nothing. obviously.
#i want to read the queens gambit and the lottery and night crawler and youth childhood dependency and the memory police#i want to reread meat market and brutes and sunburn and charmed life and the lives of christopher chant and lolita#and the haunting of hill house and her body and other parties and bestiary and the importance of music to girls and the theban plays#and so so so many more those are just the ones i have in a pile on my floor waiting to be reread but for some reason i CANT im going INSANE#also im super curious to read flick by geraldine meade bc i tried to start it when i was 14 but only got a couple chapters in before having#to stop bc i felt sick#but i dont actually remember why????#like what happened that was so bad#i was not squeamish or anything id read tons of awful shit so#we will see when i get around to reading it again ig#mo rudaí
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currently reading the copenhagen trilogy by tove ditlevsen and I was getting worried because I found youth lacking compared to childhood. But dependency is so promising ‘I am only twenty years old, and the days descend on me unnoticeably like dust, each one just like the rest’
#like come on it was written for me#the copenhagen trilogy#tove ditlevsen#currently reading#childhood#youth#dependency
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In the meantime, there exist certain facts. They are stiff and immovable, like the lampposts in the street, but at least they change in the evening when the lamplighter has touched them with his magic wand. Then they light up like big soft sunflowers in the narrow borderland between night and day, when all the people move so quietly and slowly, as if they were walking on the bottom of the green ocean.
The Copenhagen Trilogy: Childhood; Youth; Dependency,Tove Ditlevsen
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"The Copenhagen Trilogy: Childhood, Youth, Dependence" by Tove Ditlevsen book recommendation by Rachel Sylvan.
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💔Chiron In the Houses💔
Chiron in your chart can tell you which part of your life is a touchy subject for you. Depending on the house it’s in, it can reveal the themes of your life that may have affected you greatly, or an area in your life that you may be insecure about.
Chiron in the 1H🧍🏼♀️
Something you may have struggled with through out your life is your appearance/self esteem. Those with this placement may have been bullied for their looks or something about them physically has been commented on/brought attention to plenty of times. The type of person to invest in plastic surgery they may not even need, or lose/gain a few extra pounds when their body is fine as it is. This placement, ironically enough; is found in people who overdo themselves with enhancements/plastic surgery/makeup etc even when it’s unnecessary. Prone to facial/body dysmorphia. What I find interesting however is that this placement usually naturally glows up at some point in their life as they get older, but the scars still remain; so they usually can continue being insecure for a long time and/or can seem to accept or believe any compliments given to them until they heal.
Chiron in the 2H💴
Similar to chiron in the 1H, this placement struggles with self worth/self esteem to a heightened degree, however instead of stemming from appearance it stems more so from financial instability/self worth in general. This placement could have grew up in a financially unstable environment and family where money wasn’t always present, and their needs were barely met; let alone their wants. These are the people who didn’t grow up with the latest video game, the newest car, the nicest house, expensive clothes/shoes. These were the people who had or barely had enough to get by growing up. Growing up they could have been surrounded by people who had more than them, or at least had more basic necessities than they did which in turn caused them to get judged or bullied. This is a placement that people are looked down upon for not having/affording nice things. This placement usually makes one an extremely hard worker growing up so they can have everything they didn’t have when young and not have to deal with it again. Without healing this wound however, these people could be prone to growing up superficial and judgmental just like their bullies in youth. They can start judging others who have less than them, and assessing others worth by what they have materially; because this is how they were treated growing up.
Chiron in the 3H🧠
These people could have struggled in school and may have been held back in grades. A slow learner, to say the least. They may have had a hard time learning and/or dropped out of high school or college. These people also may struggle with speech difficulties, could have grew up with a stutter or wasn’t able to speak/process things properly throughout their childhood and they could have been bullied for this. They could have been made to feel “stupid”, “slow” or “dumb” to their peers or family. They also may have simply grew up naive or very child like, maybe even sheltered and people could have traumatized them once they discovered the real world. This placement could also NOT get along with their siblings. People with this placement I know have been taunted, mistreated, or on the receiving end of jealousy by siblings both in childhood and adulthood.
Chiron in the 4H🏠 TW: ABUSE
These people could have had a very negative upbringing or family life. Home life was unstable, the father or mother could have not been very involved. I’ve noticed people with these placements could have been physically, emotionally or even sexually abused at home. Could have had a step parent that was abusive or one or both of the parents could have passed away. Some people with this placement could have been in foster care and/or traveled house to house to live with relatives/others who will take them in. They could of grew up with a lot of fighting in the house, I also noticed people with this placement could of had a parent that had an affair and this could of changed the whole trajectory of the home. If no abuse, then these people could have also been heavily mistreated or neglected in their family and almost treated like a stranger, and very outcasted within their family as well. These are the people who usually move out as soon as they can as they grow up and cut all contact immediately from family. Family could used the individual for personal gain. The family could have been extremely toxic, misogynistic, racist, overtly religious and/or diagnosed with mental illnesses such as NPD.
Chiron in the 5H🧑🏻🍼
These people struggle to be themselves and step outside the box. This placement is one where you’re afraid to accept any praise, as you feel you’re undeserving. These people usually feel like they’re not supposed to be happy or have nice things. They could have grew up with a negative, bitter family who influenced them to be overly humble to the point of self hatred. These were the people where the family could have threw things that they do for them in their face, even those it was basic necessities. “I put a roof over your head and food in your mouth!” this placement could of grew up feeling like they owe their parents something for bare minimum treatment. These people weren’t allowed to express themselves, to be themselves or to make their own decisions growing up. They were almost always practically controlled by their parents into being their personal robot. They feel guilty for enjoying themselves, loving themselves, having a good time or even just being happy. This is the ultimate placement that’s giving “If I can’t, why should you”. Not that it’s their fault, but I’ve never met a person with this placement who wasn’t the ultimate party pooper. Without healing, these people could grow up to become judgmental and bitter towards those who are living their best life. They could also struggle with fertility issues as well.
Chiron in the 6H🖊️
I feel like this placement is ridiculously hard on themselves no matter what they achieve in life. These are the people who I can honestly say are over givers, yet they feel like they’re still not giving enough. They could have struggled with keeping a set routine for themselves or even practicing basic hygiene growing up. But this is because this placement is a placement where nobody taught them anything that they know, they had to learn everything on their own. These people could be called lazy for wanting to take a simple break. Their lives usually revolve around work or doing their job. They can also be the type of people who is always trying to make everyone else happy except for themselves. I usually see people with this placement get taken advantage of because of their overly giving and forgiving nature. The reason these people are the way they are is because they grew up in a household that never gave them anything they have. They always felt like they had to prove themselves to others that they’re worthy of basic human decency. They do their best to help and do nice things for others because they were practically on their own soon as they came out of the womb. :(
Chiron in the 7H👩❤️👨
Oh boy, this placement is harsh. Those with Chiron in the 7H are people who have been deeply traumatized by love/relationships. These people usually end up with really bad partners who end up cheating, using, degrading and/or abusing them. I find this placement similar to Saturn in the 7H, however Chiron here is way more intense. These people feel like they keep going through the same cycle over and over in regards to love. They could have been traumatized by multiple relationships but the people I’ve met with this placement usually have that 1 relationship that changed their whole outlook on love in general. This is somebody who’s went through so many manipulative mind games in love that they start to lose hope. Once healed however, those with this placement end up becoming very mature and healthy individuals in regards to love and relationships. These people usually find “the one” once they start healing from the trauma of this placement. If unhealed, Relationships/marriage to people with this placement slowly start to lose its appeal once they get older because they put it in their mind that every man/woman is the same. Unfortunately, people who have been disappointed enough times with this placement start to turn so bitter that they become a misandrist/misogynist at some point in time. That’s why it’s important to heal if you have this placement, because it’s a harsh one that really starts to affect the mind internally.
Part 2 is on its way ☺️
#astro notes#astro observations#zodiac#astrology#chiron#scorpio#aries#taurus#gemini horoscope: star sign dates#cancer#leo astrology#virgo#libra
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This post reminded me of it, but my partner has observed that in contemporary gender discourse, maleness is so linked to adulthood and femaleness is so linked to childhood, that there are no "boys" or "women," only "men" and "girls."
This isn't exactly new -- for as long as patriarchy has existed, women have been infantilized, and "adult woman" has been treated as something of an oxymoron. Hegemonic beauty standards for women emphasize youthfulness, if not actual neoteny, and older women are considered "too old" to be attractive without ever quite being old enough to make their own decisions. There may be cultural allowances for the occasional older "wise woman," but a "wise woman" is always dangerously close to being a madwoman, or a witch. No matter how wise a woman is, she is never quite a rational agent. As Hanna K put it, "as a woman you're always either too young or too old for things, because the perfect age is when you're a man."
But the framing of underage boys as "men" has shifted, depending on popular conceptualizations of childhood and gender roles. Sometimes children of any gender are essentially feminized and grouped with women (the entire framing of "women and children" as a category). In the U.S. in the 21st century, the rise of men's rights and aggressively sexist ideology has correlated with an increased emphasis on little boys as "men" -- thus slogans like "Teach your son to be a man before his teacher teaches him to be a woman."
Of course, thanks to ageism and patriarchy (which literally means, not "rule by men," but "rule by fathers"), boys don't get any of the social benefits of being considered "men." They don't get to vote, make their own medical decisions, or have any of their own adult rights. They might have a little more childhood freedom than girls, if they're presumed to be sturdier and less vulnerable to "predators," but, for the most part, being considered "men" as young boys doesn't really get boys any more access to adult rights. What it does get them is aggressively gender-policed, often with violence. A little boy being "a man" means that he's not allowed to wear colors, have feelings, or experience the developmental stages of childhood.
This shifts in young adulthood, as boys forced into the role of "manhood" become actual men. As I've written about, I believe the trend of considering young adults "children" is harmful to everyone, but primarily to young women, young queer and trans people, and young disabled people. Abled, cisgender, heterosexual young men are rarely denied the rights and autonomy of adulthood due to "brain maturity."
What's particularly interesting is that, because transphobes misgender trans people as their birth-assigned genders, they constantly frame trans girls as "men" and trans men as "girls." A 10 year old trans girl on her elementary school soccer team is a "MAN using MAN STRENGTH on helpless GIRLS," while a 40 year old trans man is a "Poor confused little girl." Anyone assigned male at birth is born a scary, intimidating adult, while anyone female assigned at birth never becomes old enough to make xyr own decisions.
Feminist responses have also really fluctuated. Occasionally, feminists have played into the idea of little boys as "men," especially in trans-exclusionary rhetoric, or in one notorious case where members of a women's separatist compound were warned about "a man" who turned out to be a 6-month-old infant. There's periodic discourse around "Empowering our girls" or "Raising our boys with gentle masculinity," but for the most part, my problem with mainstream feminist rhetoric in general is that it tends to frame children solely as a labor imposed on women by men, not as subjects (and specifically, as an oppressed class) at all.
Second-wave feminists pushed back hard on calling adult women "girls" -- but they didn't necessarily view "women" as capable of autonomous decision-making, either. Adult women were women, but they might still need to be protected from their own false consciousness. As laws in the U.S., around medical privacy and autonomy, like HIPAA, started more firmly linking the concepts of autonomy with legal adulthood, and fixing the age of majority at 18, third-wave feminists embraced referring to women as "girls." Sometimes this was in an intentionally empowering way ("girl power," "girl boss"), which also served to shield women (mostly white, mostly bourgeois/wealthy) from criticism of their participation in racism and capitalism. But it also served to reinforce the narrative of women as "girls" needing to be protected from "men" (and their own choices).
I'm still hoping for a feminist politic that is pro-child, pro-youth, pro-disability, pro-autonomy, pro-equality, that rejects the infantilization of women, the adultification of boys, the objectification of children, the misgendering of trans people, and the imposition of gender roles.
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Being Rhaenyra’s Daughter Would Include
Pairing: Rhaenyra Targaryen x Daughter!Reader
Warnings: None really
Notes: Writing all this is really making me wanna finally write a long form Alicent x Rhaenyra fic. I love them so much. And yes, Alicent Daughter Headcanons will be coming out next :)
As the only daughter of the heir to the Iron Throne, you were adored by your mother and your brothers.
She was so glad to finally have a little girl. To create a close relationship like she had with her own mother. When you were born, she refused to let you leave her arms. Promising to be there for you no matter what
Growing up, you were treated like the princess you were. But although you were protected, your mother refused to treat you as some helpless girl. You would be taught the ways of ruling just like your brothers.
She made sure to always let you know how much she loved you. How beautiful you were. How sure she was that you would grow up brave and powerful like the Targaryens before you.
Your wardrobe would be filled with the richest of fabrics, any colours that complimented you.
She had issues with the colour green. When you occasionally wore it, there was a jolt of grief that ran through her body at the thought of her childhood. Thinking about - if Alicent was still her friend - how much the brunette would dote on you like she did.
Rhaenyra was fiercely protective of you, terrified of the idea that her enemies would take you from her. She knew what a prize you would be for them, knew that they were aware she would do anything to get you back if you were ever taken hostage.
She’s visit your chambers and brush your hair whenever she had a worry about that, whispering a lullaby to you as she did. It was just as comforting to her as it was to you.
When Daemon returned to her, she made sure he treated you like his own. As much as she loved having you to herself, she knew you needed more in your life. As a child, she would have been happy if her daughter was raised by her and her dear friend. But now she depended on Daemon to protect you and your brothers with her.
Your grandfather Viserys adored you and although his appearance grew worse, you were never afraid of him. He spoiled you.
You didn’t know what to make of his wife, who stared at you with an unreadable expression whenever she had seen you. But there was a deep sadness in her face as she once told you “you have your mother’s eyes”
Your mother never left your side when you were visiting that part of your family. Your cousin Helaena would always smile softly whenever you were around. But Aemond never spoke much to you and you didn’t like the cold glitter in Aegon’s eyes.
You were more comfortable with only your parents and brothers, or your cousins in Driftmark who you adored playing with.
The people of Kings Landing liked you, their little princess. You were more tolerable to them than Rhaenyra had been, as you weren’t going to rule them. So they took your youthful loveliness at face value.
Rhaenyra told you stories about her loves, hoping that you would find someone who made you so happy one day. She hated to think about you one day leaving her and your siblings to create a family of your own, but she knew that she wanted you to be happy above all else
In a lot of ways, she saw you as a way to do what she wished her parents had done for her. To be the parent she always wished she had.
And she always succeeded, you couldn’t ask for a better parent.
Taglist: @icravethesmut
#house of the dragon#HoTD#hotd x reader#hotd headcanon#house of the dragon xreader#house of the dragon Headcanons#rhaenyra targeryan#rhaenyra targeryan headcanons#rhaenyra targaryen x reader#rhaenyra targaryen#rhaenyra Targaryen Headcanons#rhaenyra x reader#rhaenyra headcanons#hotd rhaenyra#rhaenyra#rhaenyra x alicent#rhaenyra Targaryen x Alicent Hightower
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NEO TV # I LIKE ME BETTER WHEN I'M WITH YOU. (jaehyun x reader) 1/? [next]
genre: angst, suggestive, gang au, rich kid au, enemies to lovers (kinda), a lil of fluffy stuff.
warnings: drug use mentions, gangs, fights, use of weapons, adult language, illegal activities, cheating (not on the main couple), toxic family environment, addictions, manipulation, insecurities, illegal street racing, death mentions. jeno is jaehyun's younger brother, angst, smut and if I slip something my bad haha.
word count: 10k?
a/n: I’m a sucker for cliche stuff so as soon as this fic popped in my mind I had to write it down, english isn’t my first language tho.
if you want to be in the taglist, just lemme know;) enjoy!
At SM City, things were simple.
Either you were born on the North side of the city where everything was filled with luxuries, privileges, incredible status, and the newest and most expensive things in the world, or you were born on the South side, where your childhood and adolescence could never be enjoyed because you would live surrounded by illegal businesses, in which eventually you would end up being a part of even if you didn't want to.
There was no third option.
There never was, and it wasn't expected that there would be.
SM City was radiant and beautiful... as long as you were in the Kwangya area because as soon as you set foot in the Neo Zone; things turned completely dark. Things were not always like this precisely; at some point in the past, despite the notorious differences between these two areas, Kwangya and Neo Zone had a synchrony that created an almost perfect balance and kept the city in maximum beauty.
But it was impossible to keep things that way.
Being part of the North side had its advantages: wealth, privilege, extravagant parties, designer clothes, and everything anyone could want, it would be in their hands as soon as they asked for it. Did you want a trip to the other side of the world? Done. Did you want the latest Louis Vuitton outfit? Of course. Did you want the newest car? Okay. Having it was as easy as asking for it.
They only followed one rule: do not approach Neo Zone unless your life depended on it... which would never happen.
While growing up on the South side was something peculiar. It didn't matter what you dreamed of, it didn't matter your future aspirations or your talents. Just by being born in Neo Zone; your life was already prescribed.
You would end up becoming a drug dealer, a hitman, or anything that involved ilegal businesses. Those were your only options. There were no others.
Did you want to get out of Neo Zone? Yeah, good luck with that.
On the South side, bad moves, riots, and problems were so common now that residents were accustomed to it. They began to accept their life and what destiny had prepared for them, even if it wasn't what they wanted.
Your age didn't matter, nothing mattered; as soon as you turned fourteen years old, you started your initiation into the Neo Zone gang. Each person had a different initiation and they had to complete it if they wanted the support and respect of the other inhabitants of Neo Zone, if not... you would end up fighting for your life alone. Without anyone's help, without anyone's support, and ending up being a nobody.
Welcome to Neo Zone, where there is an area as bright and welcoming as day and another as cold and dark as night.
______________________________________________
SM City was a small city, which meant there had to be at least one place where the inhabitants of Kwangya and Neo Zone had to mix and live together, and that place was none other than the high school. They shared the hallways, shared classes, the cafeteria, and that was not pleasant for either side.
Despite the always existing differences between the south side and the north side, the one thing the Mayor couldn't deny Neo Zone was education for its youth, and even though there were protests from Kwangya's parents about that abrupt mix, the mayor's idea would never change.
Because deep inside, he believed that the power of education would change his students and turn those Neo Zone vandals into good and promising individuals.
However, this opportunity served a completely different purpose for the youth of Neo Zone.
Because... What better place to do their business when it was Friday and many were looking to have a bit of fun on their weekend? It was no secret that the youth of Kwangya would take any opportunity to squander their millions of wones on some party made every new weekend. A party surrounded by the most expensive alcohol, the most relaxing and crazy drugs, and surrounded by hormonal teenagers who spent their time having sex whenever possible.
Jung Jaehyun wished that his business was different.
The boy let out a heavy sigh, frustration evident as he rubbed the bridge of his nose, quickly glancing at his friend before returning his gaze to the slender boy in front of him, who had his head bowed, hands and lips trembling and sweat drops were running down his forehead from fear.
Anyone facing Lucas Wong and Jung Jaehyun would feel fear.
"Look dude, this is the third time this week that I've come to look for you" Jaehyun said with a deep voice.
"I know, I know. It's just that..."
"I don't want to hear another lame excuse, you've given me enough of those already" he interrupted, dangerously approaching and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, clenching his fists in it "look, I'll make things clear to you; you owe money to my boss, that shit you asked for is expensive, do you get it? He gave you a week and a half to pay for it, and guess what? The deadline ended... how long ago, Lucas?"
"Five days ago" Lucas, who was standing just behind his friend with his arms crossed over his chest, answered, flexing his muscles.
"Right, five days ago" Jaehyun affirmed, then looked to the side where the boy's Tesla was parked. He huffed with a sideways smile and returned his gaze to him, shaking his head slightly. "Those drugs won't pay for themselves, and you know it. You had a deadline to give us the money, and my boss was kind enough to wait for your little delay, and guess what? He's not very happy about it" he continued explaining without releasing his grip. The boy in front of him swallowed hard and nodded. "Daeho, you're surrounded by money, how hard can it be for someone like you to pay a few wones for the drugs you enjoy so much at those damn parties you throw?" he received no response, only seeing fear in Daeho's eyes and the fact that he couldn't give a good answer was starting to bother him.
He pushed him slightly with the collar still in his hands. Jaehyun clenched his jaw, and Daehyun closed his eyes momentarily.
"Jaehyun, let him go, I think he gets it" Lucas intervened when he saw his friend's white knuckles from the tight grip and knowing that if Jaehyun's patience was pushed further, things wouldn't end well.
"Sorry, I'm really sorry" Daehyun nervously apologized.
— Being sorry won't do a shit... your car is new, isn't it?"
At Jaehyun's unexpected question, Daeho furrowed his brow and shifted his gaze to Lucas, who simply nodded, then looked back at Jaehyun and swallowed hard.
"Yes, it is."
"Hmm, I see" Jaehyun examined the car meticulously, then scoffed and looked back at Daehyun with a smirk. "It's incredible to know that you can afford a damn car that costs much, much more wones than the money you owe us."
"My... my dad paid for the car. The money... the money is from my parents" Daeho stammered "I can't ask my dad for money for drugs, he would kill me" Daeho explained, avoiding Jaehyun's gaze and receiving a stern look from him.
"You should have thought about that before asking for them, you shitty addict" Jaehyun muttered, and Lucas placed his hand on his friend's shoulder, trying to calm him down.
"Let me talk to him" he requested, and Jaehyun, looking back at Daeho, finally released his grip, stepping back a bit, allowing his friend to continue. "Alright, Daeho, here's how it is: you owe us, your deadline ended a while ago, we've come to look for you three times already, and no matter the excuses you keep making up, you still haven't paid us. We want the money tomorrow, or the next visit won't be us, but our boss personally. And if you fear an angry Jaehyun, you should fear our boss more" he clarified while giving some not-so-gentle pats on his back.
"Tomorrow, at eight sharp, we want the money" Jaehyun announced, getting closer to the boy again.
"Tomorrow is Saturday, there's no school. Where am I supposed to give you the money?" Daeho asked, confused.
"We've looked for you several times, haven't we?" he questioned, not getting a response. "Haven't we?
"Yes."
"Good, tomorrow we have a race. Go to Neo Zone's main street and find us, we want the money with you" he requested, still smiling.
"Jaehyun..." Lucas called, and he shook his head.
"No Yukhei, we've given him many chances" he declared, approaching Daeho "Next time, you should think twice before asking us for more drugs if you won't pay on time.
Jaehyun turned around to walk away from the boy with Lucas by his side, but suddenly he stopped and chuckled. Returning to Daeho, he gave him a smile that made him even more nervous. Jaehyun looked around, making sure they were the only three people in the parking lot, and before Lucas could say or do anything, Jaehyun's fist hit Daeho's stomach, making him cough and place his hands on his abdomen, letting out groans of pain.
"Next time, don't play with us, you little brat" Jaehyun patted his back and winked.
Lucas hurried to take his friend by the arm and lead him away while muttering curses. They walked together to Jaehyun's car, and once they arrived, they got in. Lucas let out a heavy sigh as he shook his head, looking at his friend.
"I don't want to listen to you" Jaehyun spoke as he leaned back in his seat.
"We came to give him a little scare so he'd pay up, not for you to beat him up and ask for the money at tomorrow's race. Are you nuts?" Lucas asked, looking at him with disdain. "If Daeho goes to Neo Zone, they'll tear him apart, and you know it. As soon as he sets foot there, they'll know he's from Kwangya, and he won't be welcomed with flowers and claps."
"I gave him plenty of chances, and he didn't take them. Whatever happens to him next is not my problem," murmured Jaehyun as he tapped the steering wheel with his thumb. "Look, Lucas, I sold him the stuff, I asked the boss to give him a week and a half to pay, and now that he hasn't, the boss is getting on my nerves. He either pays or I make him pay. It's that simple."
His friend sighed and scratched his head as he looked out the window.
"At least make sure he doesn't have a rough time tomorrow."
Jaehyun scoffed. "Whatever. I couldn't care less about that rich boy"
____________________________________________
(Y/N) opened the large door of her house, and before she could say anything, Daeho took her by the arm and started walking with her trailing behind him. (Y/N) furrowed her brows and followed the confused boy, who began to climb the stairs and she almost stumbled trying to keep up with his pace. Her cousin continued the journey, then entered her room and locked the door. (Y/N) sat on her bed, breathing heavily, and gave a disapproving look to the boy in front of her.
"Could you stop acting like a damn paranoid and tell me what's going on?"
Just over half an hour ago, when she had arrived home from school, Daeho had called her sounding a bit nervous and asking if her parents were home. (Y/N) asked for the reason for his state, but he simply replied saying that he would come to her house and explain everything in there.
And not knowing what was going on was also making her nervous.
"Okay, it may sound strange, but I really need your help," Daeho pleaded, looking at his cousin with a plea in his eyes.
She looked at him confused and tilted her head, trying to decipher the look of the boy in front of her.
"What did you do this time, Daeho?" (Y/N) asked. "I'm not going to lie to your parents again if that's what you want."
"No, that's not it," he hurriedly replied.
"Then what is it?" she asked, crossing her arms.
They had grown up together, sharing everything from an early age. Wherever Daeho did... (Y/N) would also. Did she enroll in music lessons? Well, Daeho did too. Did he want to go to a summer camp? (Y/N) did too. They did everything together, they were always there for each other, and that's why they knew each other so well, too well, and every time Daeho said he needed help, (Y/N) couldn't help but to feel anxious. Her cousin always found a way to get into trouble, and the person who was always there to get him out of trouble was none other than his dear cousin.
"Hmm," Daeho scratched his head. "I need you to lend me some money," he said almost in a whisper, but loud enough for her to hear.
(Y/N) burst out laughing, and Daeho looked at her seriously, which made her realize that her cousin was not joking, and she furrowed her brow in confusion.
Of all the things she expected her cousin to ask for, money was the last thing on her mind.
Both families were among the wealthiest in the area. Their parents, being siblings, shared the same royalties in the family company. The same company that would soon be in their hands. Their parents were known for the international business they conducted, for the galas they organized to donate money to the city, and for the luxuries everyone knew they had. Money was never a problem for the Hwang families, so why was her cousin asking her for a loan?
"Money? Isn't it easier to borrow from your parents than from me?" she asked with a smirk.
"I can't ask them for money; I exceeded the limit for this week and now I'm grounded, they blocked my bank account for two weeks" he explained with frustration.
"Well then, how much money do you need?" she asked again.
"A few wones," he replied without looking at her.
"How much is 'a few wones'?"
Daeho sighed and nervously scratched his head before looking at her again. He closed his eyes for a moment and, without opening them, he replied, "545,000 wones."
(T/N) widened her eyes and then shook her head.
"545,000 wones?" she repeated, and he nodded. "What do you need that for?"
"It doesn't matter what it's for," he hurried to say.
"Well, it matters if you're asking me for a loan," she said simply.
The girl knew he could have expensive tastes, but she didn't know how he had exceeded his weekly money limit when the week wasn't even over yet, and he still needed more money. The same money he didn't want to ask his parents for.
So no, her cousin wasn't acting normal, and that worried her. First, he called her nervously asking if he could come to her house, then he took her to his room while asking if his parents weren't home, and now he asked her for money without intending to tell her what it was for.
What trouble did you get into, Hwang Daeho?
"If you don't tell me what you need the money for, I won't lend it to you," she warned him, and seeing that she didn't get a response, she got up from her seat and stood in front of her cousin, pointing a finger at his chest. "Fine, I won't give it to you, and I'll also tell my uncle that you asked me for money."
Daeho widened his eyes and shook his head hastily, taking his cousin's hands and looking at her with pleading eyes, pouting, and speaking, "Please, don't tell Dad, I don't need a lecture right now," she looked neutral, "(Y/N), please."
"Tell me what you need the money for, I won't tell anyone, and I'll lend you as much as you need. Even more, but be honest."
He sighed for the thousandth time that day and finally relented.
"It may or may not be that I asked for drugs..."
"What?" she interrupted. "Daeho, you told me you wouldn't use anymore," she said angrily.
"I'm sorry, okay?" he said, raising his hands defensively, "but we had that party two weeks ago, and I couldn't bear to spend a whole night with my parents and all those people asking me about my future, when I don't even know if I want to keep getting up every day!"
(Y/N) knew the pressure her cousin felt about his future because she felt the same pressure. Being the next in line for an international company left many people wishing, and every chance they got, they bombarded them with the same questions about it. Making both of them wonder if they were good enough to fill the big shoes their parents would leave behind. If they were capable enough to be the leaders their parents were. They knew they had carried that weight since they were little, that their lives were already determined from the moment they were in the womb. (Y/N) knew her place and her responsibilities. She was aware that any mistake she made would affect her future. She couldn't make any mistakes, not even one, or it would be the next topic at their father's business meetings.
Just like Daeho was.
She had always been like that; upright, responsible, making sure things went as they should. Almost perfect. The pressure was even greater on her, after all, many didn't trust her just because she was a woman. They believed that really the only one who could take over the company in the future was Daeho, and that hurt her pride because she tried. Really, she did. She put all her effort into that company, even when she was still in high school and didn't have time for her university career yet. However, from an early age, she was involved in the business world, she wanted to do more and be more. Because she needed to be the pride of her family. Her father's pride. There was nothing else she wanted more.
She wished she could shut people up.
And Daeho, on the other hand, was different. All eyes were on him, expecting him to be the only leader in the future, but Daeho hated everyone's attention.
Everyone's attention except his parents.
If there was one thing different between (Y/N) and Daeho's families, it was their parents. Daeho's parents were absent. They were always away on business trips, in the office, or anywhere but home. That was part of the reason why he was so close to (Y/N); during his childhood, he spent more time with his aunt and cousin than with his own parents. And that led him to do things that would catch their attention. Daeho was known as the rebel, yet people still expected a lot from him. He always threw parties whenever his parents were away on trips in the hope that they would return soon and spend time with him. He spent money on unnecessary things so that his parents would call him when they were away, and among all his needs to get their attention, it led him to drugs.
"(Y/N), I know I said I would quit it," the boy spoke again. "But believe me, right now it's the least of my worries. I need to pay for that stuff tomorrow, and I can't ask my parents," he explained impatiently.
"God, Daeho," she sighed. "Okay, I'll give it to you," she rolled her eyes and went to her bag, opened it, took out her wallet, took all the bills she had in there, then went to her desk and took a little more from one of her boxes. "Who do you owe the money to?"
Daeho swallowed hard at the question and looked at her guiltily.
"To... Jaehyun," he murmured, and she slapped her forehead with her hand.
Jung Yoonoh, or as many knew him: Jaehyun. If someone described him in simple words, it would be: leather jackets, tattoos, cigarettes, gangs, and drug deals. If she described Jaehyun, it would be with a single word: danger.
He wasn't just a drug dealer. Jaehyun was always in fights and in bad situations. Jaehyun participated in illegal races. He was the one who showed up to first period with bruised knuckles, a split lip, and a cigarette in his mouth. He was the one teachers respected – or rather feared – and never messed with him. He was the one you wouldn't look at for more than five seconds for fear that it might bother him, and things would end badly. Jaehyun screamed danger at its finest, and that caught the attention of many people.
However, if you wanted good stuff to have a good time, to escape your worries, or simply to annoy your parents, Jaehyun was the person you should go to. It wasn't a secret that he was one of the dealers at the high school. Hell, even the principal knew. Everyone did. He and his group of friends were the people you should stay away from if you wanted to be okay, the only reason you could or should communicate with them was to make a deal. Nothing else.
Being from Neo Zone, he was the last person you wanted to associate with, and there was Daeho, buying stuff from him, then owing him money, and asking her to lend it to him.
"Of all the people you could have asked for your damn drugs and then stay in debt, did it really have to be Jaehyun?" she asked with frustration, hitting him on the head. "You could have gone to that guy Taeyong. At least he has a bit more manners," Daeho lowered his gaze, and she sighed, "Okay, take the money and promise me... promise me that you'll never buy drugs again, much less from Jaehyun," she asked.
Daeho took the money from her hands and nodded with a smirk.
His cousin really was his savior.
"When do you have to give him the money?"
"Tomorrow," he replied as he put it in his wallet, looked at his cousin, and swallowed hard. "I might have to go to..."
"Please don't say Neo Zone, please don't say Neo Zone," she begged in whispers.
"Neo Zone," Daeho said again, lowering his gaze. His cousin covered her face with her hands while shaking her head vigorously. She sighed; why did her cousin always find a way to get into trouble? Revealing her face, she walked straight to her bed, where she threw herself onto it, grabbed her pillow, and put it on her own face before letting out a frustrated scream.
Daeho sat on the small couch in the room, looking at the money in his hands while thinking about all the possible scenarios that could happen the next day.
Of all the places her cousin could go, it had to be there... it had to be Neo Zone. She imagined what could happen as soon as he set foot there, and the thought that maybe her cousin wouldn't come out of there scared her. They had never set foot there; they didn't know for sure how things were done, but it was enough to hear the rumors about that area to fear it.
Now Daeho would go and get involved there.
And she would have to do something to make sure he came out with all his limbs intact.
She removed the pillow from her face and let out a heavy sigh, got up from the bed, and sat on it. She looked at her hands for a moment and anxiously played with her fingers. She thought about the words that would come out of her mouth: would she regret saying them? Possibly, could something go wrong? Maybe, but that's who she was. She would take care of her loved ones' lives before her own, because that's (Y/N) for you.
"I... I'll go with you," she said almost in a whisper. Daeho raised his eyes extremely quickly, almost panicked, looking at his cousin. He couldn't risk her, he couldn't put her in danger.
"(Y/N), you won't go. You'll stay here; we won't even argue about this," Daeho spoke, standing up and looking at her defiantly.
"It's my money you're carrying with you; I'm involved in this, and I'll go with you because I need to know that you'll be okay," she also said, standing up.
"Listen, me going to Neo Zone is already stupid and dangerous, you going with me is even more so I don't want to put you in danger; if something happens to me? Fine, it's under my responsibility, but I couldn't bear the guilt if you get hurt."
"Daeho, I won't let you go alone. We've always done things together. If you're in trouble, I want to help you. Just like you would if it was me," she explained, raising her voice.
"(Y/N), I really don't want to argue about this. You're not going..." he was interrupted.
"In one way or another, I'll go with you. Whether you want it or not ," she finished, crossing her arms.
Daeho looked at his cousin for a moment, analyzing her face. He knew that once she had made up her mind about something, there was no turning back. She was stubborn and determined, and if she had said she would go with him, she would.
He sighed and nodded.
"Fine, but I swear to you, (Y/N), if something happens to you, I'll never forgive myself," he said sincerely.
"Don't worry about me; worry about not making me regret going with you," she replied with a small smirk.
Daeho rolled his eyes and shook his head with a small smile.
Of course, his cousin was like that.
"You'll have to wear something less conspicuous," Daehyun spoke, breaking the moment.
"What do you mean by less conspicuous?" she asked, tilting her head.
He approached his cousin and put his hands on her shoulders, then looked her straight in the eyes.
"(Y/N), you can't go dressed like a rich girl. You'll attract too much attention, and it won't be good for you," he explained.
(Y/N) narrowed her eyes and shook her head, removing her cousin's hands from her shoulders.
"And what do you suggest?l she asked sarcastically.
Daeho smirked and shrugged.
"Just wear something that doesn't look like it costed you millions" he replied.
(Y/N) looked at her cousin incredulously and sighed.
What was she getting herself into now?
______________________________________________
(Y/N) took a quick look at the large mirror in her room and observed the clothes she had put on. Nothing extravagant, nothing expensive, nothing that screamed her social status. If she could keep a low profile, she would, and she hoped it would work.
She didn't know how to feel. Fear and nerves were running through her body and could be seen reflected in her eyes; her hands were sweating, and she had to wipe them on her pants, letting out a long, heavy sigh, trying to erase all the negative thoughts that came to her mind.
Would something happen to Daeho and her while they were in Neo Zone? She hoped not; she hoped they would just hand over the money and leave that place as soon as they could.
She grabbed her bag with her belongings inside and left her room as quietly as possible. She walked almost on tiptoe along the long hallway, passing her parents' room with great care and approaching the stairs. She checked the time on her wristwatch; it was seven thirty in the evening. The way to Neo Zone would take them about fifteen minutes, and hopefully, they would be there by the agreed time.
She cursed Jaehyun with all her being for getting them into this, but she cursed her own cousin even more for getting involved in these situations.
She began to descend the stairs, one by one and carefully. Her cousin was at the main entrance of the house, waiting for her, and the last thing she wanted right now was to run into one of her parents.
And it seemed that was exactly what she asked for.
"(Y/N)," her mother's voice was heard behind her from afar. "Where are you going?"
The girl closed her eyes for a brief moment and cursed under her breath. She adjusted her posture and turned around to see her mom leaning on the second-floor railing.
"Um, I'm going out with Daeho," she replied, moving her head slightly.
"Oh, has Daeho come?" her mother asked.
"Hmm yes, he's waiting for me outside," she replied.
"Well, where are you and Daeho going?" her mother asked again, this time getting closer to her daughter, descending the stairs and stopping before her.
(Y/N) swallowed hard. Lying to Daehyun's parents when he got into trouble was easy... lying to her own parents was something different. Very different. She tried not to move her hands anxiously as she always did, a movement that everyone in her family knew, something that betrayed her every time something happened.
She clenched one of her fists at her sides to avoid doing it and cleared her throat.
"Daeho said something about seeing a new movie and then going out to dinner. You know that my uncles are traveling this week, and you know how lonely Dae feels when they're not around," (Y/N) murmured the last part.
Her mother looked at her from above and squinted her eyes for a few seconds, then smiled as she nodded. She raised her hand and brought it to her daughter's cheek to stroke it slowly, causing her to hold her breath.
"Of course, dear. Keep your cousin company, offer to spend the night here so he doesn't feel lonely until your uncles arrive," she said, then pushed one of her hair strands behind her ear. She then gave her daughter a quick once-over and wrinkled her nose a bit. "Poor choice of clothing, dear. Too casual. Remember who you are; you can't go around like that... looking like a homeless. What will our associates say if they see you like this?" She put her hand on the girl's shoulder, feeling the fabric's material and wrinkled her nose.
(T/N) fought with herself not to roll her eyes right there and push her mother's hand away abruptly. She hated it when her mother told her what to do, what to wear, or what to say. She hated the phrase she always used against her, "remember who you are." It made her feel so small, as if her status or her way of acting were more special than what she thought. Than her own thoughts.
"Of course, mother," she replied simply, as she always did. No matter how many times she tried to gather the courage and say everything she felt... it never worked. Her mother's gaze would always manage to intimidate her, and she was tired of it.
She turned around to continue her way and walked through the entire place from the stairs to the main door. She left her house after a while, crossed the main yard until she reached the entrance. She greeted the security men with a simple nod, and they opened the doors for her to finally exit. Her cousin's Tesla was in front of her; as she got in, she saw Daeho tapping lightly on the steering wheel with one of his fingers.
"Why did you take so long?" Daeho asked impatiently.
"My mother stopped me as I was leaving my room," she replied, taking a deep breath.
Her cousin didn't reply; instead, he started the car and drove off. None of them spoke throughout the journey, possibly because of the anxiety it caused them. The city looked increasingly different as they approached the Neo Zone area. The streets were now darker and lonelier; (Y/N) could feel her chest pounding strongly. Her hands were sweating, and she felt a slight pressure on her chest.
May nothing go wrong tonight.
She shifted her gaze forward and finally could see the lights of Neo Zone in the distance. A few more minutes, and they would enter what would determine whether they would continue to live or not.
Was she being dramatic? It was just a part of the city. It couldn't be as bad as they painted it, right? Maybe everything they had heard from their parents or older people about that place was just an exaggeration.
Right?
She didn't even notice it. She didn't even feel when her cousin's car stopped. Daeho let out a sigh and lightly tapped the steering wheel in frustration.
"Well, we arrived on time," her cousin murmured, (Y/N) nodded, and they both got out of the car.
A few meters away from them, they could see a bunch of people. Some drinking, others smoking, others dancing, and others having passionate sessions with others. The music volume was loud, too loud for a public place. However, the car engines could be heard over it. Loud and clean. (Y/N) remembered Daeho mentioning that there would be a race... one that surely wouldn't be legal.
Daeho stood beside her, and they looked at each other. He nodded slightly, and together they began to blend in with the crowd. For a moment, they thought they had gone unnoticed. It seemed that many people were busy with their own business to even notice them.
Or so they thought.
(Y/N) stayed close to her cousin, who was leading the way for both of them. She bumped into some people from time to time, but none bothered to turn and look at them. It wasn't until Daeho felt a hand on his chest stopping him and causing (Y/N) stopped abruptly, colliding with her cousin's body.
"Oh, well," a deep voice spoke. "Who are you?" asked the broad-shouldered man. His arm muscles were large and with a particular tattoo. The Neo Zone one.
The girl swallowed fearfully and stayed behind her cousin.
Great. Just great.
"Excuse us," Daehyun spoke, trying to keep walking, but again the man stopped him.
"I hadn't seen you around here before," the man spoke again. "I repeat, who are you?"
(T/N) looked around, now seeing more people cornering them. The difference between them could be noticed. It was clear that neither she nor Daehyun fit in there. It was clear they weren't part of Neo Zone.
That had been a bad idea. A very bad idea.
Someone took her by the arm and separated her a bit from her cousin. They did the same with him. Placing him right in front of the big man, who impatiently awaited an answer.
"Aren't you the Hwangs?" someone asked from afar. Upon hearing her last name, (Y/N) turned her head to see who had spoken, seeing one of her schoolmates among the crowd.
She forgot that several people there attended the same school.
"Oh, the Hwangs?" the man questioned. "As the kids of Hwang Inc’s owners?”
Before anyone could even say anything. The crowd parted, and the tall figures of Jung Jaehyun along with Lucas Wong appeared. Jaehyun stood between the man and Daeho and smiled slightly, patting him on the shoulder.
"Calm down, Hanseok. They're with me," Jaehyun said firmly. He turned to look over his shoulder at the Hwang cousins and clicked his tongue.
"Hmm," the man, now known as Hanseok, looked at each boy and then at Jaehyun. "What are you doing associating with someone from Kwangya?" Hanseok approached the girl, and before he could get too close to her body, Jaehyun stopped him by placing his hand on his chest and Lucas slipping in front of her.
"Business," the boy replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to take him... take them to the boss," Jaehyun stopped looking at Hanseok and changed his gaze to the Hwang cousins. "Let's go."
Neither Daeho nor (Y/N) uttered a word. They both followed Jaehyun and Lucas, who were heading towards what seemed to be a garage, which was surrounded by cars and was dimly lit. (Y/N) swallowed hard and kept walking. Thanks to Hanseok, all eyes were on them. They could feel each of them staring at their bodies, watching them meticulously. Waiting for a wrong move to pounce on them and tear them apart.
The air was tense, and Jaehyun knew it.
Now he was having second thoughts about bringing Daeho here.
But screw it. Daeho had let him down. He owed money to his boss, and his boss was being a painful nuisance in his balls.
He glanced back to see the Hwang cousins; Daeho walking cautiously and (Y/N) behind him trying to look calm, although she actually looked like a scared little mouse.
He clicked his tongue and shook his head. The idea was to bring only one Hwang. Just Daeho, why did he bring his cousin along? Something wouldn't end well tonight.
“I don’t remember telling you that you could bring someone with you” Jaehyun said without looking back at them. “The deal was only you coming, not your cousin as well” they both could hear the anger in his voice”
And before Daeho could answer, she spoke “I tagged myself along” (Y/N) said. “It wasn’t Daeho’s idea”
“I thought someone like you would know better” he gave them a side smile and scoff”.
Lucas stood beside him, and both stopped when they reached the entrance of the garage. Two of his boss's bodyguards were guarding it and looked at them with superiority.
"Cheol Uk, the boss is waiting for us," Jaehyun explained, looking neutral.
"Only two people can enter," Cheol Uk replied nonchalantly. Jaehyun and Lucas looked at each other, and the former sighed. He nodded and turned to the Hwang cousins with no expression on his face.
"You brought the money with you, right?" he asked Daeho, who nodded eagerly. Jaehyun clicked his tongue and looked at Cheol Uk. "The boy and I will enter."
Daeho quickly turned to look at his cousin, and she could see a bit of panic in his eyes at the thought of leaving her alone, but she straightened up and smiled slightly, mouthing a "I'll be fine."
"Lucas will stay with her," Jaehyun told Daeho, who turned to look at the mentioned.
"I'll take care of her," he assured, approaching the girl and nodding at her.
Jaehyun gave Daeho a little push, and they both approached the entrance even more, the bodyguards inspected Daeho, making sure he didn't have any weapons with him, and once they saw he was clean, they allowed them to enter.
(Y/N) swallowed when she saw her cousin's body disappear through the entrance.
Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine.
She felt Lucas Wong's presence beside her. Both standing side by side, saying nothing, and the atmosphere was weird. (Y/N) began to play with her fingers unknowingly and moved one of her feet slightly. Lucas looked everywhere except at the girl. He didn't know what to say because the situation wasn't really the best. His boss was angry, and he knew what his boss was like when he was in that state, so he didn't want to make (Y/N) panic right there because he wouldn't know how to calm her down.
It had been a bad idea of Daeho to bring her here.
The brunette straightened her back and with a little curiosity, she looked around. The night had completely fallen by then, the full moon reflected on them, and the lights of the city and the place created a contrast. The music could still be heard even from where they were. And from there, in her position, she could be a perfect spectator of what that scenario was.
The car engines roared, the girls in mini skirts stood in the middle of the highway to announce the start of the race. The young people, who were also (Y/N)'s classmates, drank effusively as they moved their bodies to the rhythm of the music. Some had a cigarette between their lips, others brought their nostrils to what seemed to be a key and inhaled strongly from it, and their eyes widened when the substance was inside them.
Lucas let out a sigh that (Y/N) could perfectly hear, looking at him, she noticed how the boy put his hand in his jacket pocket and from there took out a small bag and some papers to roll. He placed the substance on the paper and rolled it carefully, then after a moment, brought it to his mouth and lit it. He inhaled deeply, furrowing his brow slightly, and slowly released the smoke from his lungs, causing it to reach the girl, who coughed when she smelled the smell of that substance reach her nostrils.
"Do you participate?" she asked, trying to break the ice.
"In what?"
"In the races."
"Sometimes," Lucas replied. "Not right now because I'm fixing my car, the last race didn't end well," he continued.
"Oh..."
"Jaehyun does it," the boy said as he took another drag of his cigarette, then offered it to the girl, who quickly declined. "He's one of the best in the area."
"Is it fun?... racing like that?" she questioned, looking at the highway.
"Yes, it is," he replied simply, bringing the cigarette to his lips, sucking slightly, and holding the smoke in his lungs. "It's really a stress reliever, and it's even more fun when you get the final prize," he released the smoke, and this time, he didn't receive a response from the girl, but she remained silent and continued to watch the show in front of her.
A few minutes passed... (Y/N) lost track of time, but it really seemed like many minutes had passed, but finally, the garage door opened, and she looked up with shining eyes to see her cousin. However, she found only Jaehyun arriving at the place. (Y/N) frowned and looked behind Jaehyun's shoulder, searching for Daehyun, but the door closed, and he never came out.
A pressure in her chest became present, and she walked to the door to try to open it, but she was stopped by Cheol Uk himself. She tapped her chest a bit to let her go. Mumbling a couple of nonsensical things and kicking before feeling the pressure of a hand on her arm, holding her back. Cheol Uk sure had strength and was beginning to hurt her arm.
Where's Daeho? Where's Daeho? Where's Daeho?
If something happened to Daeho, she wouldn't know what to do. She wouldn't know how to react.
She didn't know at what point, but someone’s hands took her from behind and separated her from Cheol Uk. They moved her away from the door a bit, and then she slightly felt her feet touch the ground. She couldn't focus on what was happening.
(Y/N) always used to worry, and maybe that was her weakness. Thinking that something could happen to one of her loved ones drove her crazy in every imaginable way, and now there was Daeho, on his own, inside a garage with some mobsters. What if it ended badly? What if he got shot? What if he got stabbed?
"(Y/N)," she heard a voice calling her, and after shaking her head, her attention focused on the boy in front of her. On Jaehyun. Who looked at her with one of his eyebrows raised and without any emotion on his face.
"Where's Daeho? Why didn't he come with you?" she asked hurriedly.
Jaehyun glanced quickly at Lucas and then returned his gaze to the girl.
"My boss wanted to talk to him alone," he explained.
"Why?"
"He owed money, his deadline expired almost a week ago. It wasn't just a few wones he owed, and my boss wanted to make a few things clear to him," he explained again, staying neutral.
She swallowed and then squeezed her eyes shut.
It was now or never.
She had never imagined in her life trying to do business with someone from Neo Zone, much less with someone like Jaehyun, but as they said somewhere, "desperate times call for desperate measures." So there she was, on a Saturday night at an illegal race, with her cousin inside a garage with other mobsters, Jung Jaehyun in front of her, and her hands sweating like they had never done before.
So, to protect her cousin from future problems, she would have to do it.
"Jaehyun?" she called softly. Jaehyun looked up at that, his name, his nickname, sounded so different coming from the lips of that girl that it almost sent a chill down his spine. How weird that felt. "Can I talk to you?" she asked, and Jaehyun looked at her with confusion, then glanced at Lucas, who was in a similar state, and nodded. (Y/N) cleared her throat and smiled sideways. "Alone."
Again, a look of confusion crossed his face, and he glanced at his best friend, who was already moving away from both of them. He looked at the girl and noticed how she lightly played with her fingers. Then, she followed his gaze and immediately stopped her hand movements, embarrassed and feeling her cheeks heat up a bit.
"What do you need?" he asked, looking into her eyes, and before she could say a word, he spoke again. "I won't sell you drugs if that's what you want."
(Y/N) frowned and quickly shook her head.
"Hey! I'm not Daeho, I don't put that stuff in my body, and that definitely wasn't what I wanted to talk about," she replied, pointing at him with one of her fingers.
Jaehyun thought she looked cute with her annoyed face.
"Well, then enlighten me," he asked with a sideways smile.
She cleared her throat again and unconsciously started playing with her fingers again.
Yes, that was definitely a tic.
"I... wanted to ask you something," she murmured, and when she didn't receive a response from the boy, she continued. "Could you... could you stop selling to Daeho?" she asked without looking him in the eyes. Why couldn't she meet his gaze?
He chuckled softly and then received a glare from her.
"Oh, are you serious?"
Jaehyun looked at her in surprise for a few seconds. He observed every detail about her. From her slightly furrowed eyebrows to her lips that were almost pouting. Then to her hands that played with each other, and then to her clothes, which were very different from what he usually saw her wearing at school. This was more casual; it didn't scream 'look at me, I'm the heir to a billion-dollar company.' This felt more like her, it suited her very well.
But he shouldn't get distracted. Especially not by someone like Hwang (T/N). So he scoffed and gave her a sarcastic smile.
"I'm sorry, Angel, but business are business. I can't stop selling to Daeho just because you ask me to. He's my client, after all, not you" he said, crossing his arms.
"You know my name, Yoonoh," she snapped, mirroring Jaehyun's movement and crossing her arms.
"You know not everyone is allowed to call me Yoonoh," he approached her with a furious look.
His name was something different. Only his family and very close friends called him that, and no one outside that circle could or should call him that. It just wasn't allowed.
So now she was coming and doing it?
"Don't sell anything to Daeho," she asked again, this time with firmness.
"Business. Are. Business," he repeated, emphasizing each word.
"Let's negotiate then," (Y/N) challenged. "How much money do you want?" Without hesitation, Jaehyun burst into laughter and shook his head slightly, making the girl look at him with annoyance and clench her jaw.
Was Jung Jaehyun really laughing at her? Who did he think he was?
"Angel, things don't work like that," Jaehyun teased, running his tongue over his lips. "You won't just come here and tell me what to do or not do, who to sell my shit to and who not to. That's just how things are," he explained with some gestures.
"Listen, Yoonoh," she placed her index finger on the boy's chest and tried to push him, although it was in vain. Jaehyun was stronger and managed to stay in place, not even moving an inch. Jaehyun lowered his gaze a bit to see her eyes and narrowed them, but at that moment, it didn't intimidate her. "Daeho promised not to use again, but I know him. As soon as his parents leave the city again and he feels lonely, he'll come looking for you to buy more stuff. One of the times he did, it ended badly. They punish him every two weeks because he's overspending, and I don't want him to be late with his payment again, because now he's there," she pointed to the garage. "With your boss, who's angry, and I don't know what he's capable of. Daeho has changed a bit since he started using. I'm afraid it might become an addiction and end badly. He lost weight. He's sleeping less. I don't want his habits to change and harm him. If my uncles find out about this, they're capable of anything, even sending him away until he changes those thoughts," she sighed and moved away from Jaehyun a bit. "Daeho is like a brother to me. We've always been together, and I'm afraid something will happen to him, either because of an addiction, a late payment, or whatever. I promised myself I would always take care of him, but I'm failing, and if I can do something to change that now, I will. Just... just stop selling to him."
She murmured the last part, and after a few seconds, she looked into Jaehyun's eyes, hoping to find a response in them, but she saw nothing. Not even an emotion. Nothing. They were flat. Empty.
Why did she think that was a good idea?
Everyone thought that the great Jung Jaehyun had no weaknesses. Or at least that's what he always showed. That was his facade. A tough guy, a dealer who had been through so much that nothing scared him. That was his life, or at least that's what others believed. His body was covered in scars, possible results of the many fights he had had throughout his life. His character was cold, a result of all the hard things he had been through. Of everything that being and belonging to Neo Zone meant.
Of everything that being Jung Jaehyun meant.
Of course, he wouldn't accept the deal with (Y/N) just because of her sentimentalism.
Of course not.
"Ugh, forget it. I shouldn't have even thought about asking you that," (Y/N) murmured as she walked away from him and let out a small sarcastic laugh. Had she forgotten who the boy in front of her was?
But Jung Jaehyun did have weaknesses. Deep down inside him. Amidst everything he presented to the world, they existed, and although no one might know them, they lived with him; and Jeno, his little brother, was one of his weaknesses. He had spent his whole life trying to take care of his brother, trying to prevent him from ending up like him. Trying to keep him away from anything that could hurt him, and if taking on a great responsibility within Neo Zone, even if he hated it, to take care of him, it was necessary... he would do it.
His family would always come first.
Then, the image of a Sicheng came to his mind, causing his throat to dry up and his eyes to close for a moment. Listening to (Y/N) talk about her cousin and how she felt the responsibility for him fell on her somehow shook him. Maybe there was something similar between them.
Something small but significant.
He sighed, debating internally.
“Do you want to negotiate? Then let's negotiate” his voice came out thick and a bit hoarse, (Y/N) turned slightly, surprised by the words that had come out of Jaehyun's mouth. “So, what do you have to offer me?” he prompted, raising his eyebrows.
(Y/N) moved her bag hanging from one of her arms to the front and began searching for her wallet. When she opened it, she remembered something: she didn't have any cash with her.
“Hmm, I don't have cash, but we can go to a nearby ATM and I can give you whatever you want” she said hurriedly, then Jaehyun laughed.
“So, you're offering me money, angel?”
“Well, yes, what do you need?”
Jaehyun made a pensive gesture and placed one of his hands on his chin. Then he looked at the girl and smiled slightly.
“Are you doing well in school?” he asked. Of course, she was doing well in school; she was the top of her class. (Y/N) nodded without understanding. “Alright, do my homework for the rest of the year.”
She frowned and looked at him incredulously.
“Of all the things you could ask for, you want... me... to do your homework?” she asked, confused.
“Look, I'm not doing well in some classes, and the principal warned me that if I didn't improve or maintain my grades, I'd have to drop out. And do you know what that means? That's right, no school, no clients. No clients, no money. No money, angry boss. Do you understand what I'm saying?” he asked, and she nodded “so do my homework, give me your notes, and let's make a deal.”
“You want my notes too?” she asked incredulously “besides, wouldn't it be easier if I gave you money? With whatever you ask from me, you could surely quit working. You wouldn't have to sell drugs anymore.”
Jaehyun scoffed and shook his head. “Do you really think it's that simple?”
“I mean… yes” she replied simply “I give you money, then you won't have to work on your own and stop selling. See? We both win” she said triumphantly.
However, he laughed. “Things don't work like that here, sweet cheeks. It's not just selling and that's it, there are other things, and things aren't that simple. Maybe where you live, it is. But not here. I can't just quit the business like that.”
(Y/N) sighed and looked into Jaehyun's eyes, trying to find something in them. Can't quit the business? She was sure that if Jaehyun was smart enough and asked for enough money, he could survive a few months without needing to continue his drug deliveries and without getting into trouble. So why would he pass up an opportunity like this?
“Jaehyun, just give me a number and I'll write you a check.”
“It's not just about the money for me!” he exclaimed annoyed “look, I'm not here for this... it's not something you'll understand, and it's not something I'll bother explaining to you. It was nice talking to you, Hwang, but I don't want your money” Jaehyun finished, turning around and walking away from the girl without saying anything else.
She closed her eyes and cursed under her breath.
“Wait... do you want my notes and for me to do your homework?”
He smiled slightly and turned around to face her again. Looking at her cynically.
“And a coffee every Monday, like those rich kids drink you have… Oh! And also, if I ever ask you for something, you'll have to do it” Jaehyun spoke playfully.
“What? Will I be your maid or something?”
“Deal?”
“Jaehyun...”
“Deal?” he emphasized this time, raising one of his eyebrows and giving her a hard look. Extending one of his hands, and she looked at him hesitantly.
Was it really necessary to shake hands?
Moreover, of all the things she could give him; money, clothes, jewelry... damn, she could even buy him a plane ticket to an island and a free vacation if she wanted to... did he decide that she would do his homework for the rest of the year, in addition to treating her like his servant whenever he pleased?
Jaehyun sure was interesting.
“Is there any catch?” she asked hesitantly, looking at the boy's hand.
“Take it or leave it. I can continue selling to your cousin, it’s up to you if you want to close the deal or not” he shrugged. (Y/N) gave him one last look and without saying anything else, she took Jaehyun's hand in hers and shook it.
“Deal” she murmured, looking at him directly.
Jaehyun gave her a sideways smile while still shaking her hand and nodded cynically. (Y/N) swallowed hard and quickly let go of the boy's hand.
She hoped he would keep his word, because as soon as he broke it, she would forget who he was, and she herself would kick his ass if necessary.
“It was nice doing business with you, Hwang (Y/N).”
Hopefully, she wouldn't regret doing business with Jung Jaehyun.
What could go wrong?
“You know that Daeho can go to any other dealer, right? I'm not the only one he can call” he questioned a bit obviously.
“I know” she replied, letting out a sigh “You take care of making your part of the deal, and I'll take care of the rest” he looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
“Do you know that you also can't go around offering deals or money to other dealers just because your cousin keeps getting into trouble?”
“I know, Jaehyun! I know..”
“The deal I made with you has been innocent. Believe me, another dealer won't ask you for homework and class notes. They'll take advantage of your vulnerability” Jaehyun commented “I'm just saying, be careful with who you talk to and who you get involved with. This is not your zone, you had never set foot here before, you have no idea how things are handled in business here, and nobody... nobody will spare a thought for your little story of the protective cousin who wants to save her cousin from an overdose.”
“You did it though” (Y/N) retorted defiantly.
Jaehyun sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumbs: “Look, I'll stop selling to Daehyun because I keep my word, but you can't make every dealer in Neo Zone do the same. Much less by offering deals to anyone who crosses your path, because money won't be the only thing they'll ask for in return” he continued, this time looking her up and down, making her feel small under his intense gaze. (Y/N) bit her cheek inwardly and then cleared her throat.
“I can take care of myself, thanks for your concern, Yoonoh” she replied with a fake smile.
“I'm not concerned” Jaehyun responded with a smile as he turned around “And (Y/N)?” he saw her over his shoulder “don't call me Yoonoh again. Good luck with your mission of taking care of your cousin as if he is a child, you can leave or stay, maybe you want to see me run.”
When Jaehyun was far enough from her sight, the garage door opened and a Daeho was pushed by Cheol Uk, until his cousin fell to the ground, letting out a groan and placing his hand on his abdomen as he writhed in pain, causing (Y/N) to run towards him with panic evident on her face. She knelt beside him and took his face to examine it, identifying the bruise on his cheek, the cuts on his eyebrow and lip, and the blood running from the latter.
Daeho smiled slightly and after coughing, spoke weakly: “The debt has been paid”.
You're an idiot, Hwang Daeho.
a/n: taglist is open! thank you for reading! wait 4 the next chapter!
next part
#nctzen#nct#nct au#nct imagines#nct x reader#jaehyun#jung jaehyun#gang au#nct gang#nct 127#nct series#nct x you#nct u#nct scenarios#nct mafia au#nct smut#jaehyun x reader#bad boy jaehyun#jaehyun x you#jaehyun x y/n#nct jaehyun#nct 127 jaehyun#angst#nct angst#nct fanfic#jaehyun au#rich kids au
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i'm seeing people argue over how to interpret astarion's age when he was turned and whether 39 years old is seen as childhood, teenagehood, or young adulthood for elves. some point out that elves don't consider themselves adult nor do they take an adult name until 100 years of age. others point out that astarion claims to have been a magistrate, which is not a job typically associated with youth.
honestly, i think this discrepancy is quite simple to solve with a quick look at the 5e compendium itself (emphasis mine):
Although elves reach physical maturity at about the same age as humans, the elven understanding of adulthood goes beyond physical growth to encompass worldly experience. An elf typically claims adulthood and an adult name around the age of 100 and can live to be 750 years old.
in other words, other races might consider a 39-year old elf an adult, but elves have a different cultural understanding of adulthood (one based more on wordly experience than physical/mental development) and would not. thus, it makes sense that astarion could potentially hold a government job in a racially diverse city like baldur's gate where a good chunk of the population sees him as an adult, while still being belittled by an old-school elf like cazador as a "little boy" and a "brat."
basically: this is not a question with a "right" answer! it just depends which cultural context you're using to answer it
#astarion#astarion meta#baldur's gate 3#can we stop fighting about this now 🥺#people who see astarion as a little baby when he was turned and people who see him as a middle-aged man: you're both beautiful#anyway the obvious answer is to just flip-flop wildly between the two based on whichever serves your story at that particular moment
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Halsin has gone through multiple, lasting traumas:
Has been kidnapped and held as a sex slave for three years, quite possibly as a teenager based on some comments ("takes me back to my youth" to the Drow twins; referring to himself as a "young Druid" when he was taken), which are psychologically formative years
He gets made archdruid at a young age, with no experience nor preparation, in the middle of a battle where most others besides him died, including the previous archdruid
His first (possibly only depending on how dark your reading is) childhood friend was a boy who was the spirit of the forest/nature itself; said childhood friend is later cursed, and when Halsin goes to find him, his Grove falls into the hands of an extremist, which depending on player choice can also lead to a child's death, and on top of that, he gets kidnapped, imprisoned, and tortured in wildshape
And that's to say nothing of what can happen to him in branching storylines (I.E. if Orin kidnaps him, or if the player decimates the Emerald Grove, or if they fail to end the Shadow Curse)
And his responses to those traumas?
A hedonistic approach to sex
A tendency towards indulgence in many other aspects, though he admits he doesn't do it meaninglessly in terms of food
An intensely giving personality that also doesn't allow for reciprocation (dominance, but of the gentle variety, during sex, with no indication he would ever bottom; enthusiastically doing oral for the player character without the player returning the favor), which suggests there's an element of making up for lost control here
Immense guilt over the events that happen during and before the story, even when they were decidedly not his fault
Intense protectiveness over the defenseless- children, animals, and nature itself, as well as refugees
So... in other words, Halsin is reacting to his traumas, which involve themes of imprisonment, loss of control/agency, and being forced into impossible conditions where the blame falls on him even when it's undeserved, by indulging in the few pleasures he can find, and by taking control in the ways he can- sex and protecting those he can, and by blaming himself. (Paradoxically, blaming oneself is a form of taking control back; if it was your fault, that means you could have changed it.)
And, lastly, Halsin copes by... downplaying everything. Refusing to admit his pain. This, too, is a form of control-taking.
I don't think I've had a character's rape trauma/recovery storyline resonate this strongly with me since Katherine Howard from Six the musical.
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["The entwined nature of neuronormativity and heteronormativity means that the compulsory performance of neurotypicality is never a gender-neutral performance, but instead is strongly tied to the performance of binary heteronormative gender roles. Normative performance of whichever gender one was assigned at birth is central to what it means to be "normal" in the eyes of the present dominant culture. Thus, when the enforcers of normativity demand that a child "act normal," it's ultimately a demand to either act like a "normal boy" or like a "normal girl," whether or not the demand is explicitly phrased that way.
Since normative performance is always gendered, deviations from neuronormative embodiment are also inevitably deviations from heteronormative embodiment. Whether a given deviation gets interpreted by the enforcers of normativity as a violation of neuronormativity or as a violation of heteronormativity often depends entirely on context and circumstances. In a context in which a child is known to be autistic (or neurodivergent in some other specific and culturally pathologized way), the child's non-normative usage of their hands is likely to be pathologized as a "symptom" of their neurodivergence. But in a different context, those who are policing the child's embodiment are unaware of the child's neurodivergence, the same non-normative hand movements might be flagged as gender violations: children whom adults have labeled as girls might be reprimanded for drumming on the table with their hands or running their fingers vigorously and repeatedly through their hair, on the grounds that such actions are "unladylike"; children whom adults have labeled as boys might be attacked or ridiculed for flapping their hands, on the grounds that such gestures are "gay."
Thus, there are some autistic people who were forced in childhood to suppress their natural hand movements because those hand movements were flagged as "symptoms of autism" and targeted for elimination by autistiphobic adults, and other autistic people who weren't recognized as autistic in childhood but were still forced to suppress their hand movements because those hand movements were violations of heteronormativity that got them targeted for homophobic and transphobic abuse by adults and/or peers. And of course, there are many who were targeted on both neuronormative and heteronormative grounds at different times— e.g., autistics who in their youth were abused by adults for moving their hands autistically, and by homophobic peers who read those same hand movements as queer. The professional ABA perpetrator and the homophobic schoolyard bully are ultimately in the same line of work, enforcing the same compulsory normativity from different angles.
Since distinctively autistic movements of the hands violate the rules of both neuronormative performance and heteronormative performance, to refuse to suppress such movements functions as a simultaneous queering of both neuronormativity and heteronormativity. When an autistic person chooses to allow themselves to follow some or all of the impulses toward non-normative hand movement that spontaneously arise in them, rather than suppressing those impulses in the interest of normative performance, that's a form of neuroqueering."]
nick walker, from neuroqueer heresies: notes on the neurodiversity paradigm, autistic empowerment, and postnormal possibilities, 2021
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primrose
If stars are lit // It means there is someone who needs it // It means someone wants them to be ©
2 drabbles (~3000 words) + 5 headcanons (~4500 words)
♡ unhealthy behaviour (clinginess, obsessiveness, possessiveness, mutual dependency, overprotectiveness, stalking if you squint, elements of forced relationship if you squint), mention of emotional breakdown, mention of blood, poly relationship
♡ nsfw warnings in the end
You have always been loyal to Xie Lian, even back when you followed His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of Xianle, full of the bloom of youth and ambition, who wants to make the common people happy, but does not understand, does not know the realities that he was going to correct. He has always been like this — "run, because His Royal Highness is already going to make your life better, it doesn't matter if you want it or not, and as a result your life will get better, but nerves will have to be treated for several more years."
... After all, you have known him since childhood, always following his radiance like a shadow, as if your place is in the darkest place, which is right under the lantern. You couldn't tell if it bothered you or not — you've been known as the Crown Prince's loyal companion for as long as you've known yourself, and you couldn't say that his radiance ever darkened you or made you uncomfortable. Rather, it seemed that his very light was aimed at making you shine even brighter, as if he was the light of spotlights aimed at you as the main star of any time of the day or night, and you didn't want to do anything about it, allowing him to just hide behind your back and look at the world from there. But even so, sometimes he was especially... incredible, and not only in a good or bad way.
(Once it was suggested that "yes, of course, we should inform His Royal Highness about this, but, to be honest, it's somehow safer to be without him," and although it was half-joking, everyone understood that there was only a fraction of a joke in every joke, even when he showed royal restraint and calmness, keeping his back perfectly straight, slightly lifting his nose, and was like a straight but flexible bamboo.)
Xie Lian was always like this — passionate, ardent, almost capricious, full of innocence and kaleidoscope, and it seemed to you that there was a lot in him: charm, emotions, ambitions, words, strength, hopes, intentions, beliefs — there was a lot of everything and stormy, like a fast-flowing river or the blooming of the whole forest glade. It was as if he could not and could not help being passionate, absorbing and loud; loud not with sounds, but with emotions, especially when he looked at you with pure burning eyes, like the scorching summer sun, from which you could not hide under any shadow.
Xie Lian was not insane, even if everyone recognized his extravagance — but he was a beloved, happy and passionate, and even if you saw his naivety and ignorance in matters of everyday life, how could you blame this individual of royal blood, which is destined to fly like a butterfly, from flower to flower, untouched no "base", "earthly" problems?
In the end, his potential for ascension only convinced you of this thought — unlike you, if Xie Lian does not make any mistakes, then he will spend his whole life without knowing sorrows and disappointments, like the most luxurious songbird.
And when he calls you again, asking you to be with him....
... He's so cute that you sometimes want to cry.
Xie Lian does not deserve misfortunes and troubles, even if sometimes his slight royal arrogance, ardor and impulsiveness cause a headache, especially when you walk behind him, closing the formation, but he always turns around at you, smiling playfully, always glad that you are here, as if he believes that you can go somewhere. You believe that it is only the 'springtime' and the crown prince wants only the best, worrying and asking about you, gently taking your hands in his jade-soft, and eyes shining like precious stones, gently saying that you can always turn to him, and you dare not answer anything but consent and a gentle bow, because even then he won't let go of your hands.
It is obvious to everyone that Xie Lian, His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of Xianle, adores you, and this does not bring you anything good, especially when stories about the "eccentric, but adoring prince and his faithful, cold lover" are spreading more and more often among the people every year, but Xie Lian only dismisses them, assuring you that there's nothing to worry about — 'ordinary people need fairy tales, and these stories sound decent', although you are sure that he understands what 'prince' and 'lover' they are talking about — and you can't go against him, seeing that he is adamant in things in which you don't want to see inflexibility.
Xie Lian was never 'persistently strong-willed' — he sought to bring good, and there was a core in him, but, unlike you, his leading others behind him never carried such a strong aspiration. He was closer to the 'follower' and following in the footsteps, believing that you would lead him to where he needed to be, obeying your decisions and words, — and you also always found it natural until the eyes of others were riveted to you and you were not obliged to obey the official understanding of your positions.
But when it was principled things, like the stories that went around among the people, or your thin ribbon tied around his ankle, he was adamant, and the softness became a diamond that it was useless to try to break or scratch. Even if his obedience to you and willingness to follow you were from childhood, you also more than knew about his stubbornness and firmness, which will not disappear even if you break him.
And no matter what, no matter what the words of others, no matter what rumors are going on, no matter what views, you obeyed him — and his capricious, desperate desire that you never go anywhere, no matter what.
... After all, you were and will be his companion, no matter if it's the His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of Xianle, Martial God, army leader, 'demon', teacher, 'traitor' or a wandering immortal living in garbage. Your place is nearby.
And so it will always be.
“Never leave me. We will always be together. Always... Say it. Please.”
The child in your arms is small, like a tiny fox cub that has fallen out of a hole, and when he lands in your hands, you can feel as if you are holding something even more fragile than porcelain and more delicate than jade, even if he looked like an ordinary street child with an awkwardly bandaged right eye.
His Royal Highness brings the procession to an end, despite the excess, while you hold the child in your arms, waiting for him to be released, feeling how the tiny creature lies silently, not even twitching, like a frozen herbivore in the arms of a predator, and you want to calm him down somehow, but you know what will do it Xie Lian, who will definitely be interested in learning about this child and why he was in such a situation and why you were so lucky to be around, especially considering that it was you who asked to change your position to be at the wall.
You have nothing to answer to such accusations, however.
It's just... 'instincts'.
You can't find an answer to his accusations or his questions, no matter how hard you try. It was as if you just knew it was going to happen and acted on that knowledge, even if you couldn't find any logical or rational explanation. After all, you saved the festival in some sense, so it's not that your actions are a problem, right?
(Xie Lian looks incredulously, flashing eyes like the radiance of a thousand lightning bolts, but can't find any words that could prove that you are deceiving him or hiding something.)
The child looks like a 'mongrel', which are often found if you move closer to the south, but for some reason you can't help but feel emotion and regret, looking at his childishly round, but dirty face. However, you cannot go against the words of Xie Lian, who found out everything that was needed — just like about his request to hand over the dirty, fragile lump to Feng Xin while you go with him, since the most interesting thing is yet to come, as if you are not his bodyguard or helper, but some kind of companion (as if the current rumors about the closeness between you and the Crown Prince are not enough).
(However, you can't help but secretly give this child your little accessory, which should not attract a lot of attention to him, but will also give him some money so that he can afford food and water for a long time with a small consumption.)
(You don't know why the fact that the Crown Prince has all the earrings in place gives you a strange feeling, especially when Xie Lian looks at you with a strange bewilderment mixed with hope.)
(And the fact that he gives you one earring in the evening as a sign of 'friendship' while wearing the second one does not help too much.)
(Of course you're not so silly to wear it properly.)
... You don't know what you feel when you see this small, dirty child again and again — or when you gently comb his hair, washing, as if trying to express everything that you feel but can't show, feeling how you are moving away from His Royal Highness, although it should be the opposite.
Perhaps you are simply not... cut out for your job — especially when you braid the child's hair the same way you did it for Xie Lian once.
Undoubtedly, you are still as loyal to Xie Lian as your Crown Prince and childhood friend, but perhaps, perhaps, you have already... outgrown these sympathies — especially after you have remained on earth, preferring to move according to the circle of reincarnation, if you cannot reach Heaven on your own without being his 'helper'.
You deserve to be something more.
Hong'er, sweet precious child, convinces you for a moment that it is dangerous for you to be with him, but you do not hesitate to brush it off — after your childhood with Xie Lian, you are sure that nothing can kill you anymore. You yourself doubt how you managed to survive.
Hong'er looks on with a mixture of interest and amazement while you comb his hair, feeling the experience of the 'wrong time' receding. As if you really do not belong to this era or the world.
Using a child as an anchor is wrong, but it's the only way you know.
You also know that Mu Qing would definitely judge you silently, looking at you with his face of a chaste, irritated maiden, as if you are not just doing your own thing, but harassing him simply by the fact that you can't stop, — you don't know what exactly to 'stop' — and that Feng Xing doesn't approve too much of your, it makes no sense to take a principled position, even if he tries to understand, but you don't mind.
Spending time with Hong'er, who is shy from such attention but does not mind at all, it's like talking to a little kitten or a fox cub — and he does not mind this unexpected closeness, especially while the kingdom is beginning to change, and not at all for the better.
You are still living in a bubble, finally feeling comfortable and safe, spending everything you can on a cute child who still naively believes that he can ruin your life, but still clings to you, looking with a huge eye. When you first remove the bondage from him, exposing a blood-red eye, more like the same bloody wounds that you received while you were training to be worthy, you can't help but tell him that he is the most worthy and beautiful, even if you are sure that your words are not enough — people are like dogs, and that you praise a wild puppy for the thing for which he was constantly scolded, will not do any good.
For the first time in your life, you are glad that you are wrong when he cries in your arms, trembling like an autumn leaf, and spring moisture fills his eyes.
Your good boy. Your most beautiful boy.
If you could, you would stay in this 'reality forever, ignoring everything that happens...
... Of course, you can't stay away.
Of course you can't stop him when Hong'er follows, joining the army, and you know that if it wasn't for your duty and your devotion, you would have stayed with your Hong'er, who will forever remain for you a tiny fox cub that fell into your hands, as if marking your new life, bursting into your life like storm and letting you know that everything will change. In the end, as soon as it seemed to you that you had a family, they take it away from you again — and when it's not your blood dripping from your sword yet, you don't understand what you feel inside.
What will happen when the war ends? What happens if your army loses? What will happen to Xie Lian if he brings not victory, but defeat?
You have never liked comparisons with a faithful dog, but you know that you will follow him to heaven and hell, no matter what. For you, he will always be your Xian, full of innocence and naivety, who wants to do what he considers right and bring happiness and well-being, 'so that no one leaves offended', and now, looking at how you win or lose, you do not feel anything, although you would have felt pride or annoyance before.
You may have outgrown that, too.
Perhaps you have outgrown too much.
... You follow your duty even when your heart demands that you find Hong'er — but you know that it is useless and hopeless, you don't even know if he is alive after that incident and where he is now, and your helplessness poisons you when you see what the person you promised to protect at the cost of your life.
Perhaps Hong'er was wrong — perhaps you were the one whose destiny it was to destroy your loved ones, not him.
In the end, the King and Queen feel no better, and although you don't understand whether you are angry or feel despair, at the same time realizing that Xie Lian would have gone down anyway, he couldn't help but do it, even if it would lead to his fall, but at the same time feeling angry that everything had to to happen exactly when you finally found a person whom you could call a 'family', with whom you were not because of duty, but because of the desire of your heart, who found an equally lonely and abandoned child, to whom you were ready to give yourself just to keep warm.
And when you see how the one whom you considered your infallible idol and perfection, despite all his actions, sinks to the very bottom, looking for a way to continue to exist even when your kingdom, your home is no more, and instead you live in a completely different world, seeing how people throw off statues of Your God, refusing from faith, — you gently hold his hand, remembering for a moment that Hong'er's palm was colder and smaller, but just as fragile.
And there's nothing you can do.
Nothing.
Even when the spiral of madness pulls him even more, while the young man hiding behind the mask for some reason seems too familiar to you, impermissibly familiar (Hong'er?), but you can't pay attention to it, even if the thought that he is now dead, never returning home, not returning to your little pretty home, squeezes your heart even harder, as if threatening to break it.
You have lost everyone you can, and when Your God is looking for something in your eyes, you don't know whether he finds it or not.
You have followed your duty, and you will follow him to the end until your life ends, no matter whether your heart, your mind or something else dictates it to you. Xie Lian has always been the most precious thing in your life, and the fact that your attempt to start living with someone other than him was only shattered only confirms this.
Perhaps you were never destined to be with anyone but him — perhaps you were destined not to be with anyone at all when your Crown Prince squeezes you in his arms, looking for something that can be his anchor, and you try to be him for him, to be his support and pillar, until then until your heart stops and you disappear from the circle of reincarnation.
No matter where, you will follow him — save the way back if he realizes that he has gone the wrong way, and follow him into the thick of it if he says that this is the right way.
The darkest place is under the lantern, but sometimes 'being a lantern', hiding it and protecting it from the world that was not ready for it, becomes your task. And the fact that you have to protect this 'lantern' to keep it in undisturbed safety is your duty. After all, Hong'er, your sweet sweet Hong'er, will definitely meet in the future, in his next reincarnations. Definitely.
You will not call yourself a zealous fatalist, but you know that such meetings are not accidental — you just need to wait.
Wait and think. About many things. And about your precious.
... Your Hong'er's hands are small, narrow and a little rough, but when you took them in your palms in the past, they seemed the most gentle and affectionate, even if he looked up like a little fox cub or a puppy that you managed to tame by giving only 'home' and 'affection'.
Xie Lian's hands are warm, smooth and soft, but when he caresses your face or hair, you cannot restrain a gentle loving smile.
To realize that after all the forks, all the choices, all the paths, all the decisions, you are here — repairing your cozy house, you can't even believe how much you've been through.
And you know that everything is just beginning.
For the three of you.
𔓘 Despite the fact that you have known one since childhood, while you have partially raised the other (even if you never managed to become a 'real family'), you still learn from each other various little things and behavioral patterns, as if looking for something in the dark while standing in the light. They are not radically different, but they are not at all similar — even if they have much more similar qualities than differences inside, especially when it comes to the attitude towards you, the fanaticism and obsessiveness of which they do not 'divide', but multiply.
There is more mutual understanding between HUA CHENG and XIE LIAN, — an unpleasant thing, of course, as if they have a multi-year history with each other, and not 'they communicate less than the fifth time in their lives, but for some reason they understand each other on the fly, especially when it comes to you', — but you are not sure on what it is built, taking into account that they both have an extremely anxious type of attachment that requires you to look and want only them, which makes their clinginess even stronger and sharper, surrounding you from all sides.
Perhaps this is for the best — given your "fatal attraction" quality, it would be problematic to attract someone else, but when you can't dismiss any of them, since he will receive the support of the second, then you begin to doubt how closed a relationship was a good choice, even if you see that two of them more than comfortable, despite the need to share your attention and affection. Perhaps this is because they are surprisingly compatible by themselves, despite the moments when their needs and views simply do not converge on some things in which each of them does not want to give in, — and you do not know whether it is 'stubbornness' or some kind of internal growing problem that in the end she has shown itself in this way, — which is why you are forced to intervene and be a peacemaker if you do not want the relationship to become complicated. XIE LIAN can be unnaturally stubborn, HUA CHENG can be hot-tempered in flashes, and their general acute sensitivity, when a vulnerable spot is touched, leads to rare and quickly disappearing conflicts, which, however, still leave tension and the ground for a new conflict.
This is especially true of the dynamics of the relationship with you and the search for satisfying passion, the absence of which leads to the problem of jealousy, which neither of them raises explicitly, and therefore you can easily skip it until it's too late. And you don't know which is worse — when they are jealous of each other (which is very rare) or when they are both jealous of you for others (much more often) and unite to return you to the 'home nest', considering the possibility of your exit as unnecessary. And despite your usual dominance in a relationship with comfortable subordination of both, when they unite, not just 'cooperate', there is little you can do — whoever you are, fighting with the strongest Martial God and one of the Four Great Calamities is a lost cause in which it is easier to just agree.
In a relationship with them in general, you get a huge amount of experience in the form of 'it's easier to just agree', because this is actually the easiest way to deal with them when there are too many of them, and their obsessive tendencies from 'cute and soft' becomes 'sharper and darker'.
𔓘 They are very affectionate and sticky — to an unhealthy degree, where it seems that if they leave you for more than a few seconds, they will immediately die without taking a couple of steps. With HUA CHENG'S absolute, unconditional loyalty, which cannot even be questioned unless you want to attract very extreme consequences when he will feel that you are questioning his love and devotion, since from the very beginning he feels 'unworthy' of you, and XIE LIAN'S obsessive addiction, which over the years has become even closer and stronger to rely on looking at you as the center of his life, entrusting the need to make decisions and point to you, you find yourself in turbulence between balancing between their desire to constantly be around and your personal freedom, even if your own traumatic experience has made you much less independent and prone to finding time 'for yourself', — you had more than enough of it, — but the usual desire to sometimes think about life and what happened has not disappeared.
XIE LIAN likes to just lie next to you, sometimes falling asleep slightly, enjoying your warmth and hugs, and in general has a more modestly tenacious and shy nature at the same time, where it is enough for him to just cling and snuggle up to you to be happy, although you know that whenever you look down, you will see the brilliance of his adoring the eye, although it did not even show signs of any movement.
HUA CHENG is different — you will never feel that he is 'not there'; even if you are lying peacefully, he almost always tends to move and fidget, constantly pressing you closer to him, unless you tell him that you want to lie down quietly. But when his hands tremble slightly while you hug him or let him hug you, it seems even nice to you with how touching he tries to be respectful — especially when he tries to captivate you with what he is good at, like creating your sculptures or creating paintings with you, as if trying to immerse you in the atmosphere absolute acceptance and unconditional adoration, giving it all to you and only to you. Everything he has is for you and only for you, and you cannot help but feel this exclusive and absolute fixation, in which there is no possibility to move away or refuse, since there is no space where you could move away.
But even in those moments when HUA CHENG straightens the sleeves of his clothes, constantly tries to look attractive and shyly takes a step back or forward, trying to adjust to your pace and not rush or delay, at the same time wanting to devour you and stay within the 'bounds of decency', concluding an unspoken pact that he will follow you everywhere, as long as you allow him to follow, but also allow him to penetrate into every corner of your life, as if trying to close you into the bubble of himself and always know what is with you to protect and protect, supporting at any stage — and immediately returning to the role of a flirtatious but modest admirer.
XIE LIAN is much less modest — and you yourself do not know what this is due to, given that XIE LIAN is much more quiet and calm, but his courtship is more manifested in service, and has a more almost shamelessly physical character, like strong hugs from the back, lying down together, working together, eating together, creating for you, the ideal physical environment is through the preparation of a bath or treats, bringing (usually together with HUA CHENG) gifts — as if in an attempt to make up for all the time that you were apart, XIE LIAN becomes your free supplement, even if you can't say that you're 'uncomfortable' because you don't feel uncomfortable.
There's just something about it that makes you want to carry it with you and say that if someone offends your little crown prince, you'll break that person's arm.
It's not that it's 'not mutual' — although XIE LIAN is less prone to open confrontation and aggression, preferring to solve everything in a peaceful way, his parental instinct and a very clear manifestation of hyperprotective nature, which became even more noticeable after the kind that HUA CHENG can calmly show it and you don't mind, lead to that in moments of aggression or the need to defend, he can be even more savage and ferocious than HUA CHENG, and the fact that he is the strongest of your three does not brighten up the situation too much.
You're fine anyway — although HUA CHENG'S mania for watching you to make sure you're okay goes too well with XIE LIAN'S hyperprotectiveness about you, while XIE LIAN'S silent clinginess resonates with HUA CHENG'S love-starved soul, from which their tendencies are only further strengthened and fueled by each other. to a friend, leading to the fact that they strive for even greater isolation and the creation of an "ideal home" where you will only be with them and no one else will distribute, when you are close to feeling almost discomfort from too aggressive and melting adoration — they immediately move away before you have to show that you want to stop, as if their very needs are tuned to you to perfectly match.
And although HUA CHENG is definitely the most passionate and shy, while XIE LIAN is the softest and wildest, you prefer to just call them your 'beloved husbands',
not that you have at least a chance to escape from them, however.
(Ruoye and E-ming madly adore you too, and when you realize that, you need to sit down and think about what you've done with your life.)
(It's like you've got two more, but this time smaller and more manageable puppies. Although Ruoye regularly tries to wrap itself around you, while E-ming vibrates enthusiastically at any of your manifestations, at some point you even begin to like it.)
♡ heavy petting, hypersexuality, discipline, rough sex, crying + drooling, dommale elements, free use, consensual noncon/dubcon, group sex / threesome, light bondage (xl, hc, reader), body worship (xl, hc, reader), praise kink (xl, hc, reader), loss of virginity (xl, hc), hyperstimulation (xl, hc), breeding (xl, hc), light degradation (xl, hc), lingerie (xl), orgasm denial (hc), nipple play (hc), oral sex (reader), using Ruoye as a sex toy with consent
𔓘 XIE LIAN is on the more 'shameless' side regarding his sexual desires than HUA CHENG, and moves much faster from foreplay to sex, needing emotional and intellectual stimulation rather to try to seize the initiative and in your expression of desire to immediately intercept and react — and when XIE LIAN saddles your hips for the first time with a ruddy face, hastily taking off your robe, you can't believe to the last that he is serious, constantly waiting for him to stop — but as he remains more and more bare, letting the fabric slip off his broad shoulders, you realize that no, he is absolutely serious, and more than calm, even if you can easily feel a slight tremor when you put hands on the soft thighs, warming, encouraging him not to stop, although you yourself no less excited, looking at his slender waist, strong legs and arms, easily able to even playfully press you to the bed or floor to such an extent that you will not be able to move.
It's not that your shock is not justified; after all, his path involves chastity and the absence of any sexual relations, but to think that this will somehow stop him from what he wants — you — is very naive and even a little silly. You've known since childhood that XIE LIAN was very strong-willed and persistent when he wanted to, but the last thing you thought about was that his persistence would be relative to 'I WILL fuck my spouse no matter what the cost!!!', because if your past self found out that you had caused His Royal Highness' cultivation to deteriorate, you would definitely strangle yourself.
After all, why did you suffer for so many years, following him and living in the temple — just to fuck him and these many years of work because he is a 'very hot thing' and does not mind at all that you let him ride you, drool while you drive into his sensitive body, experiencing such intense sensations for the first time, from which he cum already at the moment when you drive in, and in the end can only bury his nose in the pillow, whining while you praise him for what a good boy he is, you move your hips so good, Your Highness, while your fingers firmly hold smooth long hair, part of which sticks to his wet hot back?
XIE LIAN does not like — quite strongly — when people remember that he is a royal person, especially when you do it, since the very thought that you are with him only because of 'duty' drives him crazy in a bad way, but he does not mind at all if you do it when 'Your Highness kneels in front of with this servant', when you stroke his hair and face, gently explaining, looking into his darkened pleading eyes and at his beautiful face, wet with tears and heat, telling that this is his new duty to you — after all, he is so gorgeous, so charming, so perfect, that this is not a problem at all, right?
... And even knowing that the desire for your absolute power over his body, to the same extent as your power over his heart and mind, is his desire, you can't help but allow yourself a few almost humiliating, laudatory words about how he looks, being in such a pitiful and submissive state, having completely lost all royal dignity. You also deserve a reward for your faithful service, don't you? And the minimum he can give you is to give you all of himself, even if your desire is his body — "Your Highness, let me undress you", which quickly turns into almost-compulsion, especially at the sight of his red and confused expression, if not for the sweet trembling in his flexible you and a feverish gleam in his eyes when the 'faithful servant and childhood friend' forcibly takes his Crown Prince, who is unable to resist and fight back.
"In the end, Your Highness behaves like a lustful needy young man from an entertainment house" — when your palm shuts his mouth, not hiding a laugh when you feel him trembling, more than obviously not intending to resist, withstanding only the necessary minimum in the form of attempts to leave soft weak thighs squeezed, but easy to lift up and throw on your shoulders.
His short nails scratch you to bloody scratches; XIE LIAN squirms under you, mixing pleas for continuation and for 'mercy on him' while he watches you drive into his wet weak body, taking advantage of your advantage over him — or when you let him ride you, watching from the bottom up as he moves his wet hips with squelching sounds and moans, breathing heavily, with a bright ruddy shame and excitement on his tender cheeks, but not slowing down the rhythm, while whispers how good it feels, putting your palm on his stomach, letting you feel how much he is filled, stopping only to let you see how petite and tight his body is, as if XIE LIAN is not a Martial God, but really nothing more than a depraved young man from the spring house — only your young man, who can serve only you, as if his body itself has become addicted from this and from you.
... If XIE LIAN could, he would spend time only with you in an embrace, connecting as closely as anyone could ever with him or with you.
𔓘 HUA CHENG is more shy and needs a lot of foreplay, even if his attraction is more stable, even 'permanent' — but if you want the initiative from him, then you will have to wait until he warms up and stops walking around, hitting the bush instead of directly talking to you. HUA CHENG is much less confident in his right to your attention and love, especially the right to receive your love in such an intimate way, and willingly follows any of your desires and words, but for a long time he warms up to the idea of his own desires and the opportunity to express them, preferring to serve you, feeling much more comfortable when he worships you on his knees, dissolving, and getting only what you want to give him than daring to ask for anything.
After all, his place is next to you, even if you have always been in his access zone — but you have never been someone he could really touch, even when you lived almost as a 'family' during his childhood.
You have always been the sun, which HUA CHENG does not dare to even look at without squinting, let alone touch you without permission, and even when he became the Ghost King, having the opportunity to throw everything he has at your feet, he still did not dare to look at anything except from the bottom up — and do not hesitate to get down on his knees for this, worshipping you as a Deity even if you are not, always remaining the only one in whom he believed and asked for a blessing when he went through the most difficult periods of life, hoping that in the future he will be able to be there not just as someone who needs to be protected, but as the one who can protect you and be useful so that you never have to be left with a broken heart because of him again.
When he was dying, he had only one regret.
And now, kissing your skin, letting your hands get tangled in his hair, ideal for combing and braiding your favorite pigtails, HUA CHENG looks out from under his covered eyelashes with barely restrained servility, finding his meaning only to stay where you need and be the one you can always lean on and have who will you seek protection from.
It doesn't matter how long and painfully he will have to go and fight, if in the end he earns a place next to you, even if for this he will have to use claws and fangs, tearing out his victory and right with blood, — just like when HUA CHENG tries to lie motionless under you, breathing heavily, feeling his head spinning at the same time with delight, feeling euphoria from thoughts of unreality and excitement, trembling slightly while the body feels completely jelly, obeying any of your movement and desire, letting you easily wrap his legs around your hips, gently asking is he comfortable just to hear a soft meow as consent; breathing deeply while you hold his hand, gradually letting his body get used to you, even if it is not such a necessity for someone like him — but you can't help but be affectionate, kissing his face and whispering so that he doesn't rush things, even if he breathlessly whispers your name as a prayer while you gradually fill him with yourself — the last part of his body that is not yet full by you.
When you gently rub his chest, giving him pleasure, assuring that you feel good when he looks so defenseless and vulnerable, even if such a position is unusual and almost uncomfortable, — but you speak and he obeys without question, no matter what exactly you say and what your desire will be, even if HUA CHENG almost cries from stimulation while his eyelashes tremble and sharp strong teeth bite his own palm; feeling painfully pleasant waves while you rub his sensitive nipples with undying interest, from touching which his toes curl, — but he's still silent, letting you just see how the tears shine in his eye, threatening to slip from the corner down his face, leaving a shiny transparent path, but the thought that you made him feel this way at the same time excites you and him, not daring to bother you even when his body becomes so responsive to an obsessive caress, as if you are trying to make him become so sensitive that every movement will cause him to stifle a groan.
You don't try, however; you do — and the fact that HUA CHENG gives himself completely into your hands, letting himself lie submissively under you, accepting everything you want to give, everything you want to fill, makes his body tremble from a mixture of excitement and anxiety, from which he can only strive to give you more and also, taking everything you have with the same insatiable greed. Even if he is usually nothing more than a 'cozy nest' in which you can find what you want, he is also prone to outbursts — when you accept him for what he is, especially when you let his more aggressive side find a way out, fixing on you, almost digging sharp teeth into your flesh, growling when your nails dig into his skin, helping to move, even if he does more than well, purring hoarsely with a mixture of cooing and irritation while you take him closer to you, not letting him slip out anywhere but your strong embrace.
Isn't this happiness?
And even when he's breathing heavily, drooling, feeling like his mouth is full of you and saliva, but just not daring fight somehow, knowing that this is your desire and aspiration, even if his head is completely empty by the new round, — such a good boy while you use him again and again, enjoying completely destroyed appearance, as if you were almost able to fill an immense black hole before it managed to absorb and want more. Your hand looks perfect on his neck — but even without it, he suffocates when you push inside again and again, not letting him hide his face from you, demanding that he look into your eyes while writhing under you, trying to move away from the painfully pleasant touches to an overly sensitive body, — but it's easy for you to bend him to he couldn't move anywhere at all. HUA CHENG does not resist — never, even if his arms are wrapped around your neck while he meows and mumbles something pathetically, hiding face in your shoulder or trying to cover with hands with shame.
Because no matter what, he will accept everything.
𔓘 You can't tell if you have sex together 'often' or not — it just happens when you are together, especially considering that they get along well with each other and don't see anything 'special' in joining forces, even if it's not exactly what you expected from them, lazily lying before see the interested burning eyes, clearly already tacitly agreed on something with each other and now watching your reaction to their more than straightforward hints. Talking about whether you are better off with such a combination or worse is problematic, because although they are both exhausting, needy and demanding, when they are together, they are much freer and brighter to take the initiative, repeating after the other, mutually pushing each other and themselves forward — but this is exactly where part of the 'exhaustion' lies, especially if there have been outbursts of jealousy and anxiety about your loyalty and devotion before, which makes them completely focus on you, demanding more and more, and their mutual support turns into an obsessive desire from 'satisfy you as best as possible' to 'mark you as much as possible brighter' so that no one dares to claim you.
If XIE LIAN decided to surprise with some 'beautiful lingerie', hearing the advice that it brings a spark in bed — even if you see him blushing and looking away, — then you can expect HUA CHENG to support the initiative, although he is more likely to take a female form (especially if you have a thing for certain female behaviors and appearance) and will abuse it to let you know how much smaller and lower he is than you, shamelessly flirting and emphasizing it. XIE LIAN can take a female form if he sees that HUA CHENG was successful in this and your reaction was positive, even if it is unusual and very exciting for him to look like this in front of you, letting you touch his body in this guise — and while HUA CHENG coos in a sultry voice, saddling your hips, XIE LIAN shyly hides your face in a lush soft breasts, almost trembling with blush, much less confident (but no less excited) than HUA CHENG.
And yes, they both melt when you tell them how great they are — and if HUA CHENG is always sensitive to praise, although he especially reacts to him in his 'real' appearance, especially when you and XIE LIAN accidentally "catch" him at the moment of sex and start talking about how good he looks or how sensitive he is and gorgeous, such a cutie, completely leaving him dumbfounded and red in an attempt to cover up only to have XIE LIAN catch his hands and not allow it, being much stronger and indulging you even when it comes to driving his 'ally' crazy. It's not that HUA CHENG easily turned a blind eye to it afterwards, but XIE LIAN has always been easy to make blush from any proximity, so you prefer to think that HUA CHENG does not intentionally put him in situations where XIE LIAN does not know whether he should snuggle or hide, remaining frozen in place while HUA CHENG watches with pleasure how XIE LIAN twitches in hands like a butterfly in a spider's web.
Perhaps, with the same pleasure, you are only watching when Ruoye (who does not need much persuasion to agree to any of your adventures, especially if you rub it and call it a 'good little thing') wraps around XIE LIAN'S hands when he least expects it, giving you full access to his body, whining when you ask Ruoye to also wrap around his legs and raise them — or when Ruoye tightly wraps around HUA CHENG'S mouth, not letting him make a sound until you let, whining weakly even when your hand rubs his cock or clit red from excessive stimulation again and again, encouraging the two of them to 'calm down' and 'stop lashing out at you', arranging an almost-punishment, giving them not only a sense of 'what an obedient pretty thing Ruoye is', but also keeping them next to each other as an example of what you will do to the other if he does not obey. When HUA CHENG whines from rubbing and caressing for too long, trembling, unable to even move or beg, while you pump him up again and again, purring that he deserves it, being such a restless and naughty boy, while XIE LIAN drools, not hiding tears, whining when you leave sticky slippery traces of another orgasm on his hot inner thigh, — it will definitely help His Highness get rid of excess energy, — and use it as a lube for HUA CHENG.
After all, you don't have many ways to stand up to the two of them at the same time, and even if you can somehow be stronger than HUA CHENG, but being stronger than XIE LIAN is impossible and practically was not possible even when he was human — but when it comes to cunning, then you are quite good at that in order to at least control your husbands in this way, who easily become completely uncontrollable and wild, like a flower garden that will instantly overgrow with weeds if you do not pay attention every day.
(However, Ruoye does not mind at all and wrapping his arms around you, rather even gladly using any opportunity to be close, clearly preferring to touch your thighs more, changing the compression force and reluctantly getting away while red XIE LIAN tries to force him to let you go (with almost the same blush with which HUA CHENG irritably looks at E-ming who vibrates at the sight of you), but also readily agrees with the ideas to wrap around your body when XIE LIAN or HUA CHENG suggest it, restraining them, giving them the initiative, even if Ruoye shamelessly reacts to your command to untie you and easily indulges, which, among other things, leads to situations when you knock them down while they are not expecting it and seize control. No, Ruoye is not ashamed.)
#.spicy♡#🥮 — heaven official's blessing#✉.xie lian#✉.hua cheng#🧸.yandere au#🧸.group sex#🧸.cnc#🧸.hypersexuality#🧸.free use#🧸.rough sex#🧸.degradation kink#xie lian smut#xie lian x reader#hua cheng x reader#hua cheng smut#heaven official's blessing headcanons#heaven official's blessing smut#dom reader#top reader#yandere character#sub character#🧸.poly
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