sadie & CHILDHOOD

scraped knees,  silent tears in a locked room,  slamming doors,  pervasive loneliness,  a dog barking,  rain on a metal roof,  flinching at movement,  the creak of an old house,  forced laughter,  wandering in the dark woods,  wondering how you made it through,  sudden loss, trying to make sense of the noise, hiding what you love to protect it,  trying to explain but your words falter,  invaded privacy,  confusion at the pain,  running barefoot in the grass,  wondering what you did wrong and coming up with nothing,  realizing you aren’t a priority,   grass stains on white clothing,  trying to earn love you will never have,  being threatened over the smallest mistake,  secrets you are warned not to share,  the feeling of never being good enough,  the hope things might someday get better,  grief that aches in your bones,  childish dares and pranks,  the sense that your body isn’t yours,  shame and guilt that aren’t yours to carry,  sledding down a frozen hill,  absentmindedly following snakes through the grass,  punching a tree until your knuckles bleed,  tears over every dead creature you find,  searching out small places you can hide… just in case,  climbing the tallest tree so they can’t touch you,  the feeling of something tainted under your skin,  a curious child told to stop asking,  floral dresses,  body tensing at approaching footsteps,  anger with nowhere to go, brief escapes from the chaos,  the purr of a contented cat,  taking the blame to keep the peace,  being told you’re too sensitive,  the creaking springs of a trampoline on a sunny day

Dads trying to minimize your mental ilness by saying "it's all in your head " like thanks Brennan for clearing it up for me I honestly thought it was stored in my fucking left foot

working with kids is just oh ok these needs are pretty basic and easy to fulfill guess I was just that unlovable lol

You’ve grown into someone who would have protected you as a child. And that is the most powerful move you made.

Can we please for the love of god stop telling teenagers they’re too young to have aches and pains. Can we please stop being dismissive about these things. Fakeclaiming is disgusting period, but it is exponentially harmful to youth. Just because you didn’t start hurting until your 20s or 30s or 40s doesn’t mean every teenager complaining of chronic pain must be lying. I learned the hard way that if kids are invalidated enough about this, they will just learn to accept constant pain as a fact of life. And then they will need surgery they can’t afford in ten years bc it turns out constant pain is NOT a fact of life. At any age.

p.s. same goes for mental health

In another universe I was happy

“Mouthful of Forevers”, Clementine von Radics

The process.

what is it about being a writer.. where you just don't write. all the intention and drive is there but it feels like you cant break though and get typing... so in order to get to inspired to write you come to tumblr. The place all writers come when they need to get the words out but not sure how or where to start. Fear is hold you back, like that cat has your tongue. you think.. what? people will judge you? laugh at you and call you silly.. YOU READ BOOKS BY AUTHORS.. its really not that much of a far fetch idea. Self doubt, growing up in a childhood environment where i was never inspired to be anything, bc i was reminded of how much or a bad kid i am, a liar. a cheat. a monster. the devil child. what? i'm only 9.. how is that even possible? bad people hurt me and you disappeared. i'm see where this is going. damn.. fuck it. lets get into it. (its needed to keep the added part above so you can see and appreciate the process it can take to get the words out. alright.. lets go) Hey, what the fuck did you expect? i was rape, i was abused and bashed. i ran to you in fear and for love and shelter.... you pushed me back out into the wild and said.. SAVE YOURSELF. with no tools, with no knowledge, with no one to advocate for me. You even picked the other side that hurt me, you protected you own friends from going to jail over the sanity of your daughter.. so.. what is sanity worth to you? makes me ask.. who's the crazy one then? Oh mum... you keep asking for me, checking in on me threw my little sister. You did give me life, but i got myself where i am. you didn't help me. i have empathy for you.. yes.. because i can imagine how shitty it would feel to have your first born not ever want to speak a single word to you bc of how badly you let her down. If my daughter hated me that much, i believe it was deserved and valid and turn a new page. i would ask myself why? its not everyone else and never you.. sometime YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! and thats fucking okay if you have been through any type of trauma, be honest. you said you went to therapy but i don't believe you bc you seem to be unable to change. you are so set in your ways, single minded and angry. You are covered in concert you have been pouring on yourself and blaming everyone else. yes bad shit happens to you, it happens to me but you don't take your trauma out on your kid. i didn't do anything to you.. i was defending and protecting myself from you. there is a different and once you see that.. maybe we can talk. Peace. -Ghvst

What killed me as a child was being called a good-for-nothing when I thought my only redeeming quality was being a kid that raised itself

It's always infuriated me hearing people say that children have it easy. It's only gotten worse as I've gotten older and have been able to reflect on my childhood and see the children around me grow up.

They do not have it easy. They don't get a say in most important things. They're seen is unintelligent, yet expected to understand things that full grown adults struggle with.

They've got a job, which is school, that is actually proven to not be working for a lot of them; myself included. They're expected to sit still and in silence for at least forty minutes at a time, and those with ADHD are treated as though they're immature and lazy because they often physically can't do it.

Far too many of them have abusive parents that lie through their teeth to make people think everything is fine, and of course, who would believe the child over the parent?

Aspects of abuse has been normalised. Parents are sympathised with when children open up about the things they've gone through, especially if they're not physical. They're told that their parents are only doing this because they love them, or that the child needs to start seeing things from their point of view. Meanwhile, adults can freely complain about their children on public forums and to friends and family and get away with it because "it's hard being a parent".

Fuck off and do better.

DNI Believers of narcissistic/borderline/anti-social/histrionic abuse.

it is what it is (i want to die so bad)

By @hel7l7

yea it's a show about nepo babies but Succession really said "20 billion dollars doesn't erase the persistent trauma of childhood abuse, or absolve the abuser" so like. remember that next time your parent tries to uno-reverse-guilt-card you with "but we gave you so much"

I have a distinct memory of laying in my bed as a kid and wishing with all my heart that I would get hurt. That I would get into a bad car crash or I'd disappear. So my parents would cry and realize they didn't cherish me enough.

I find it sad that younger me thought she had to get hurt to feel loved.