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lousydrawingsforgoodpeople · 1 year

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#child abuse survivor #trauma survivor #toxic family #support #healing #recovery #self love #boundaries #narcissistic mother #abuse survivor #doodles #bad art #lousy drawings #doodle #creature #weird

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hollow-fucker · 2 months

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I am so sick of people telling me how strong I am for going through the things I am going through. Or for surviving the shit I survived. I'm not incredibly strong and resilient for being abused all my life.

I had two options: continue living after everything that happened, or kill myself. First of all, I tried to kill myself numerous times. I wasn't very good at it. But honestly, the real reason I continued living is that I didn't choose. If you don't choose between life and death, the default of still being alive takes over. I didn't decide to keep feeling like this and clawing my way through every day, hoping one day it will magically be okay.

Child abuse doesn't build character, or make you stronger. It takes what could be a happy, stable, regular person and rips them to shreds. It destroys who you are before you even have the chance to exist.

I had every single person who was supposed to love and protect me participate in my destruction. I have never known what it feels like to be safe. I cannot remember a time where I was loved, if there ever was one. I will carry these ugly, gaping wounds with me for the rest of my life.

When people look at that, and tell me how strong I am, it hurts so bad. Especially because I am still expected to function the same way as regular people do. I'm not strong, I just accidentally survived several people and myself trying to kill me. I don't want to be strong. I want to lay down and stop. I want to rest. I want everything to be different.

#rant post #child abuse #child abuse survivor #tw abuse #abuse survivor #tw sui ideation #tw sui attempt #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #actually mentally ill #complex ptsd #hollow is venting #trauma #actually did

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whatwedoinsilence · 2 years

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Abuse comes in waves. So does pain.

You spent months being civil with each other, kind even. They do things for you, buy you clothes, groceries, say nice things and ask about your day. And you start to forget. You start to feel guilty. Why did I hate them? Why was I angry? Why did I want to leave? That was awfully mean of me. They need me. If I leave, they'll be all alone.

Then it all comes crashing down. One little thing lights up the flames and sparks a reaction. It happens fast, but feels like it lasts a lifetime. They say "things they didn't really mean", they "let anger get the best of them", and you're at the receiving end, scared, alone and not able to react.

And you start to remember. You place this memory with all the others, like a bunch of crystal ornaments on a shelf. You start noticing the patterns. You even make excuses for them. I was too loud, too aggressive, too mean. I deserved it. I deserve this.

Hours later, when you're safe and sound in your room, the reaction finally hits. You cry and sob, you want to scream but know you can't. You want to leave but have nowhere to go. You have no choice but to stay put and feel the pain. The pain from this moment and all the others that preceeded it. The pain from all the chances you had to leave but didn't take. The pain from all the instances you believed they changed.

And you know, once they wake up, it'll be like it never happened. Kind words and kind gestures, all over again. And you have no choice but to play along, otherwise who knows what might happen.

Every week. Every month. Every year. A new little crystal ornament for my collection. A new memory for me to obsess over and try to prove to myself that it wasn't that bad, that I barely got hurt, that it could've been worse.

I wonder how long it'll take for the next ornament to arrive. I wonder if I'll have enough space for it on the shelve.

#child abuse survivor #living with your abuser #abusive mother #abusive father #abusive parents #abusive relationship #verbal abuse #physical abuse #emotional abuse #narcissistic behavior #surviving narcissism #narcissist mother #narcissist parents #narc abuse

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aronarchy · 9 months

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https://twitter.com/butchanarchy/status/1682439217538801679

Tbh you know the “your parents did their best” is an empty platitude because there’s no specificity to what goal they were “doing their best” to achieve. Just assumes that all parents are part of the same unique social group who have a set of shared and benevolent goals.

Yeah I could say my parent “tried their best” in that they poured a LOT of energy into their parenting goals. But their goals as a parent was to control me, shape me into an image that conformed to gender norms, and punish deviations from those goals.

I completely believe that if my parent’s goals had included treating me with compassion and respect they would have achieved that, even if they had fuck ups along the way. It didn’t happen because they didn’t see me, and children in general, as worthy of that compassion and respect.

There are poor and incredibly under-resourced parents who cannot, due to structural pressures, provide secure housing, food, and medical care, and still manage to not abuse and degrade the children in their care. There are wealthy parents who become vile child abusers.

Again and again people want to locate the origin of abuse in trauma and lack of resources and thus inherently position trauma survivors and poor people as the most dangerous/most likely to become abusive.

The actual origin of abuse is ideology. Children are not abused so frequently because their parents were abused but because children are an oppressed group in our society, almost entirely disempowered by our current systems, and therefore most vulnerable to abuse.

Parents who abuse the children in their care take the mainstream beliefs about children to the most extreme conclusions. They believe in the validity of their ultimate authority over children’s bodies, interests, activities, material resources, etc. and they act on that belief.

“They tried their best” is used to shut down very righteous and responsible anger from people whose parents took advantage of their extremely empowered position over them to abuse them. It’s another way to say “it could not have been otherwise.”

And it could have been otherwise. It is a choice to abuse a child. Fuck, even non-abusive but still shitty parenting decisions could have been otherwise and the person hurt or traumatized by that, the child, gets to demand accountability for that/set boundaries in response.

And if a parent is really committed to doing their best to treat their child with compassion and respect they’ll be able to acknowledge accountability for their own fuck ups and work to do differently rather than using determinism to shift the blame. 🤷

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nothing0fnothing · 8 days

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Being a survivor of childhood abuse as an adult is so wild because I'll meet people who were adults while I was experiencing my trauma and they'll be like "ohwow I'm glad you're okay now." And I'm like

... so you knew I wasn't okay then???

#child abuse survivor #abuse survivor support #abuse survivor #we do recover #living with ptsd #ptsd recovery #complex ptsd #complex trauma #parental abuse #childhood trauma

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one-abuse-survivor · 6 months

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Does anyone else ever get this sudden, intense urge to be ill so that you can be taken care of??

Like, you see a sick character being taken care of in a movie, or something, and suddenly you feel like you're going to burst if you don't get a break from your life where you're allowed to be a sick child for a few days, with adults around you who are fully responsible for you, and where you don't have a single responsibility. And it's so overwhelming you want to cry/scream/shake from how unfair it is that you'll never get to experience that level of childlike safety again.

And then the moment passes and you're like. Wtf just happened

#O-a-s gets personal #Trauma #traumatic childhood #childhood trauma #Abuse survivor #child abuse survivor #Am I the only one????#It leaves me so shaken

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normal-with-adhd-is-a-joke · 10 months

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just a reminder to Christian people whose parents use Bible verses to justify abuse that immediately after the verse about respecting your parents God also says

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)

If your parents have broken their end of the parent-child treaty laid out in the Bible then it's appropriate and non-sinful for you to do the same.

[image ID: a banner with a cloudy sky background that says on the first line "this post is about trauma, please don't derail or traumadump" and on the second like "'personality disorder abuse" truthers/people who call their abusers narcissists dni]

#christianity tw #abuse tw #abuse survivor #child abuse survivor

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writeriteright · 11 months

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eldest daughter

your round cheeks, a smile all baby teeth before you wore glasses, you looked just like me you spoke in little whispers, so gentle and sweet i taught you letters, excited for you to read

i cannot forget how little you were, so small but you grew so fast and you got tall enough for rollercoasters and water slides old enough for movies and motorcycle rides

old enough to be beat till you sobbed for mercy older and wronged, shivering in fury older still and afraid, running faster than tears this is how i began to fear it still haunts me after all these years

so i shush you when you cry so i threaten when you fight so i stayed awake at night so i learned how we survive

hush little baby, don’t say a word mama might come, but i got here first i know you’re scared, i know it hurts but if she comes, it will hurt worse

i age too fast, but still too slow to keep you safe from every blow i failed so i pray you hold your own

but when i beg forgiveness, you say what for you only know peacetime, never war i think i’m glad you don’t remember all

the bloodshed and the slaughter let it die with the eldest daughter

#prose #poetry #eldest daughter #mothers day #the maternal relationship #child abuse #child abuse survivor #physical abuse #psychological abuse

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chaos-in-one · 1 year

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Ahem anyways

If you ever say physical abuse is inherently worse, more traumatizing, or is the only form of abuse that can cause complex trauma disorders (ex: DID, seen the take that that can only be caused by physical abuse several times), as a person who has been through both physical and mental + emotional abuse, and found the latter to be way more psychologically and long term damaging on so many levels for myself, I hope you never fucking speak again ♡

#no form of abuse is inherantly worse or better than another #mental abuse #psychological abuse #emotional abuse #physical abuse #abuse awareness #abuse survivor #child abuse survivor #trauma survivor #actually dissociative #actually traumagenic #actually traumatized #ableism

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lousydrawingsforgoodpeople · 2 years

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#anger #doodles #bad art #lousy drawings #doodle #self love #healing #child abuse survivor #trauma recovery #feel your feelings

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nyctocollective · 5 months

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“why do you never talk about yourself?” “why do i never hear about your family?” “why do you keep quiet about your childhood?”

maybe because i can't talk about myself without bringing up my trauma (because it is so engrained in my identity that ill never be able to tell you anything else, “anything else” just simply doesn't exist) and i can't talk about my trauma without your pity or discomfort or fear or annoyance or sadness

#system #did #did system #actually did #cdid #plural system #sysblr #trauma #cptsd #child abuse survivor

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daughterofanarcissistwoman · 3 months

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#inner child healing #reparenting #trauma survivor #child abuse survivor #you're amazing #sending love #sending strength #sending courage #empowerment #🫶🫶🫶

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mizusjawline · 19 days

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The amount of money it takes to buy your freedom

I've been researching child abuse for over half a year now and I've seen posts on almost every aspect of the topic. However, so far I have yet to see a post discussing the financial problems we face. Escaping from an abusive family is goddarn expensive:

Bad financial role models. Coming from an abusive family, our parents views on many things were warped af! You can bet their views on finances were also warped and unrealistic! So we need to learn our financial skills from scratch. Learning is only if possible if you can allow for trial and error. Financial errors can sometimes be very, very expensive.

Moving into your own apartment. Escaping from an abusive family is nigh on impossible if you're still living with said family. However, living spaces are expensive! And for some of us, escaping our abusive family situation comes at the price of homelessness.

No financial safety net. Maybe our parents were too ill or addicted to work a steady job. Maybe our parents have the means to financially support us but choose not to in order to 'punish' us for escaping. Maybe our parents actively used money as a means to control us. Either way, when things get tough, we cannot rely on them for financial aid. This sorta feeds back into the first point about expensive trial and error learning. Sure, we can learn by trial and error. But when we make an error, there is no safety net to support us.

Being able to afford nice things is a necessity for survival. I have yet to meet a child abuse survivor who is not a hedonist. I think that being able to fill your life with nice things is vital for surviving the torturous emotional rollercoaster that is escaping from an abusive family. And sometimes, having a vase of flowers on the table can spell the difference between an emotional breakdown and an Emotional Breakdown. However how are you gonna afford these things if your paycheck only covers the bare minimum for survival (roof over your head, food, ect.)?

Some of us can't work a job. We are all severely disabled by mental health problems as a consequence of our parent's abuse. And sometimes that hinders us from working a job and earning a steady income. What happens if we have no financial buffer to fall back on during those times? Also, again, our parents did not serve as reliable rolemodels. Learning to work a steady job is, again, trial and error learning for most of us.

Therapy, medical attention and diagnoses are expensive. Some of us are lucky enough to live in countries where this is less of an issue. And some of us are unfortunate and live in countries where this is a big issue. A full escape from an abusive family is nigh on impossible without therapy.

Sometimes escaping from an abusive family strikes me as a privilege for the upper class. And this pisses me off to no end. For us child abuse victims, freedom comes with a price tag attached and it is BIG. I live in a society where slavery is illegal and a human life is not supposed to have a monetary value. And yet here I am, watching my bank account balance and wondering if it'll be enough to buy myself my freedom.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

#tw child abuse #child abuse survivor #tw financial issues #cptsd #actually cptsd #recovering from abuse #child abuse recovery #child abuse awareness

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nothing0fnothing · 1 month

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When I decided to speak up about my experience of childhood abuse as an adult, I wasn't prepared for the level of shaming, victim blaming and gaslighting I received.

I'm not even talking about my experience on this app. That happens, I block, I move on. No, I mean the people in my life, my real life, I had to cut off as a result of deciding to not lie for my abusers any longer.

It was hard, but it was also eye opening. For the first time I had a real understanding into why so few people spoke up for me, tried to defend me, attempted to help me, when I really needed it. When I was too small and too beaten down to speak up, defend or help myself.

My abusers surrounded themselves in a circle of enablers and other abusers. These were the people witnessing my abuse first hand and doing nothing about it. Now I was grown, they were the ones who felt uncomfortable about me telling the truth. Uncomfortable enough to shame me, victim blame me and gaslight me, hoping I'd curl up into silence.

#vent post #toxic parents #complex trauma #parental abuse #dysfunctional family #childhood trauma #dysfunctional household #raised by narcissists #narcissistic abuse #childhood abuse #traumatic childhood #victim blaming #gaslighting #narcissistic gaslighting #victim shaming #abuse survivor #abuse survivor support #narcissistic abuse survivor #child abuse survivor

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complaints-from-poland · 1 year

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Can we please talk about the portrayal of domestic abuse in children's media?

Because it's fucked up.

Trigger Warning / Content Notion: I'm talking about my experience and trauma as a child abuse survivor, nothing graphic or drastic, no details about the abuse, but it is a bit bleak and might be upsetting, especially for people who have experienced abuse themselves and/or are very sensitive to other people's pain. There's some cursing.

A great example of this is Harry Potter (of course the TERF princess Jowling Kowling Rowling isn't the only one guilty of it, it's all over the place - which makes it even worse, because we're bombarded by this bullshit from everywhere, with almost no alternative).

The main character is abused by the family he's living with, socially isolated, bullied at school, has no support system, and the abuse is the only thing he knows. And then he goes to magical school, and BAM, he's making friends, he's assertive, confident, brave, sets boundaries, goes on to save the fucking world (yeah the surface-level understanding of oppression and bigotry in HP is a topic for another time).

I'll admit, relating to Harry when I was a kid did help me survive. But at the same time, it gave me very unrealistic expectations of what the trauma will do to me. I thought something is wrong with me, that I'm weak, because the abuse didn't make me stronger, it fucking destroyed me.

As you probably already know, and as I know now, that's what abuse does. It doesn't make you stronger, it doesn't build you up, it doesn't do anything good, it destroys you, sometimes forever. To grow as a person you need love, safety, support, good role models, space to learn and explore you interests.

I made myself strong. I'm cool, smart, interesting, kind, brave, caring, resilient and a good friend not because of the abuse, but despite it. I owe nothing to my abusive parents; every good thing I have in my life is there thanks to the people that helped me escape from them, protected me from them, made me feel safe and at ease, showed me love, compassion and understanding, gave me the space to be my hurt self, with all the good and bad, appreciated me, assured me that what I was put through was fucked up and nobody, especially a child, should ever be treated like this.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't be a very interesting action movie character, with my sleeping for days, crying, not leaving the house or showering for a week, not being able to make any friends, jumping at every sudden noise, not eating, nightmares, being barely conscious because I can't sleep and all the other fun stuff PTSD does to you. But maybe your hero doesn't have to go through abuse. Maybe losing your parents as a baby is tragic enough. Fuck, the Dursleys could even still try to isolate him from anything magical and oppose to Harry going to Hogwarts, not because of hatred, but because they would want to protect him from his parents' fate.

This narration is not just minimizing the impact, it's gloryfying abuse, trying to paint it as something with positive consequences. It doesn't have any. There's no "good damage". I could've been safe, happy and healthy for my whole life. Nothing good came out of my suffering. Maybe if I knew it, I would've asked for help earlier.

Children deserve to know the truth. Sometimes you need to simplify it a bit, but stories about heroes becoming good people because of their trauma are not simplification, they are lies, and they are further hurting people who are already hurt and vulnerable.

#harry potter #jowling kowling rowling #hogwarts legacy #hogwarts letter #harry potter fandom #hp fandom #fuck jkr #jk rowling #child abuse #bullying #literary analysis #protect trans kids #protect children #what doesn't kill you #what doesn't kill you right away will slowly suck the life out of you #survivor #powered by spite #cs survivor #child abuse survivor

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