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lamalefix · 5 years

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A seal on the heart

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Place me like a seal over your heart like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its passion unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters can not quench love; rivers can not sweep it away.

[Solomon’s Song of Songs 8:6 – Holy Bible, New International Version]

In the dim morning light, his hand sparkles. More precisely, it is his finger, the left ring finger the one that sparkles. This is what forces him to open one eye and then the other, the light that refracts on his finger, on that metal band, clashed on his eyelid with a decisive irreverence and woke him up.

The smile that curls his lips is not long in coming, but there’s something else, something more that clouds his eyes.

One of the first conversations they had in that bed, after a night very similar to the one they left behind, concerned fear, what scared him. Magnus never wanted to give a real name to what scares him most, he's colourful, he's cheerful, and he doesn’t like being vulnerable, and he can’t be, he can’t afford it.

When he was vulnerable, he allowed his father to come in his life; when he was vulnerable, he was wounded by Camille; when he was vulnerable, his magic overwhelmed him and brought destruction.

He never liked being vulnerable, keeping down barriers, being seen for what he is. And maybe that's why he's always so colourful, so sparkling, so irreverent in his way of dressing, so explosive with his hair, with makeup and polish.

To be seen naked to the feelings that most wants to deny, vulnerable. In his true form, like his eyes.

Yet, yet, great power comes from vulnerability. Keeping down barriers means unleash every emotion even those you want to keep away from your heart, because you have to keep everything away. You can’t select the things you want to feel, everything is muted, numb.

He has built a wall around his heart, after all those times that his heart has been broken, and so everything came muffled, numb.

And, years ago, he couldn’t feel it, that whirlwind that he now has in his heart. Maybe he never really felt it. It’s a sudden happiness that almost frightens, which burns down the throat and makes his heart beat with such force and vehemence that he feels, he feels just a little helpless and a little omnipotent. They are self-excluding concepts, yet, and yet here they are.

He never gave a name to what he felt, he just went around with his little baggage of emotions divided into macrocategories, because it’s with macrocategories that you do less harm, and now now, has this thing that shines on his finger, which makes his hand sparkle and that makes him vulnerable and invulnerable at the same time.

There is always that fear, the loss, but perhaps now giving it a name and admitting its existence is what helps him to be better. To love more, to love more strongly, to throw his soul into that love, to live fully every second, every instant, wholeheartedly. Feeling every emotion, witnessing every single change. Accepting that losing can happen, accepting his fears, is a step towards lowering his defences.

And so, Alec arrived and threw down the wall with this real bone cruncher, his awkward and a little nervous smiles, his clumsy dance steps, fingers intertwined nervously in the most hidden corners of the Institute, stolen kisses in the less visible corners of the streets of New York, words whispered in the darkness of their bedroom, the fulfilling silence of a beautiful night of sleep.

And now there is that ring that gives him an impossible power, an incredible light, which in his vulnerability makes it omnipotent, stronger than anything else, than anyone else. To love and to be fully loved, this is what he has always wanted and has always denied with those high and insurmountable walls around his heart. This is what he has now. Alec, their rings, and those marks on their skins.

Magnus looks at his left hand with a funny interest, rubbing his finger on the metal band and a light smile curls up more on his lips.

His hand sparkles. Alright, both his hands have always sparkled, his fingers, with the multitude of rings with which he fitted them. But now it's really different. He's always been fabulous, but now he feels something more, something else.

Alec tightens his grip on Magnus’ hips a bit more, while he sleeps. Usually Alec is the little spoon, because he often moves in his sleep with those nightmares that cloud his rest, and so it’s usually Magnus the one that surrounds him, like a shell, to protect him from the fog of nightmares that tarnish his head, as if sometimes he takes his demons home.

But tonight, it was natural for Alec to take that position. His face sunk in the back of Magnus head, their legs intertwined, one arm that wraps his waist and the other under his neck now, for a while, hugged his shoulders. Alec's breath against his skin is hot, it seems almost the puff of an active volcano, and it is certainly the most fitting comparison that passes in Magnus’ head: his passion is like a volcano.

Magnus grins and caresses with the fingertips of his glittering hand, Alec's arm, going down searching for his hand. The light little tinkle that the two metal bands jangle when they meet, when they collide, makes his heart jump in his chest.

A sense of belonging, a sense of fulfilment, of wholeness burn in the back of his throat. Nobody has ever wanted him so much, no one has ever wanted him that much to do that step, to kneel and propose, to swear loyalty until the last breath. And maybe he still doesn’t believe it, and it's been weeks, weeks since that day and he still has to metabolize. He thought he had turned it round, but instead he goes back to look at his finger.

And he looks at his hand and then turns it and there is the thick and pitch black tattoo of that marriage rune on his palm. The only thing he could think of, to respect Alec’s traditions, was to tattoo that rune. Binding the two of them, even to the slightly gruff and cruel eyes of the oldest Clave members.

Alec moves his other arm, the one that was under Magnus’ neck to squeeze his shoulders, his hand falls on his chest, at the height of the other tattoo. A rune on the hand and one on the heart.

“If you keep looking at it,” Alec begins to say, his voice hoarse and kneaded by sleep, but it thunders in Magnus’ chest with unbelievable satisfaction. “You'll consume it,” he adds, rubbing his nose and lips into the soft skin behind his ear. A light peck, a very sweet kiss that makes a very tiny shiver climb down his back.

Magnus ponders the idea of not telling him anything, but he can’t restrain himself. “Metals don’t work like that, Alexander”.

“You say so. But you don’t know how hot your glance is...” he replies, very serious. “My low parts know it so very well”.

Magnus bursts out laughing. “You have a thing for my eyes, and my glance...”.

“And you clearly have something for your hands... or for that ring.” Alec mutters, pretending to be annoyed.

Magnus sighs. He likes to look at his hands, his hands are perhaps the thing he likes more about his body. And let’s admit that he is breathtaking in all his bold outstanding beauty. But his hands are something more. Vehicle of destruction and wonder, perfectly accustomed to the continuous flow of magic, that would succeed in creating a whole new world. And maybe, it’s also for this reason that he takes care of them with skill, covering them with rings. Perhaps it is better to say he covered them with rings. Because now he has only the one on his left ring finger, to decorate his hands and it’s more than enough.

“I'm a little jealous,” Alec groans, snorting his hot breath on Magnus’ neck before letting him go completely and lying down on his back, legs and arms outstretched like a starfish. Luckily, their bed is big, if not huge, that time they slept together at the Institute, Alec did the exact same movement and found himself lying on the ground.

Magnus rolls on his side and looks at him, grinning. Alec is all sleepy-eyed, a tiny pout curls in his face, but he seems to be struggling against his lips not to smile. Magnus wants to kiss away that expression between the sullen and the pleased from his face, but he decides on moving just a little and blows a raspberry in the crock of Alec’s neck.

Alec snorts. “Oh you! Unfair!” He laughs and covers his eyes with his left hand. Even its ring shines in the dim morning light.

The band that is on his finger, which is exactly identical to that worn by Alec, the one that makes his hand shine in the light that comes a little shyly from the window, to the naked eye is nothing special. A tiny metal band not even half a centimetre thick. Surely Magnus has older or more modern, more expensive and more showy rings. But he certainly has nothing more precious. For this reason, he can’t stop looking at it, to follow with his thumb the thin and smooth texture of that ring.

Alec's expression is clearly a satisfied grin, now, he smiles and looks at him all languid, and he's all so damn inviting, with his ruffled hair and his eyes just a bit sleepy.

Magnus moves to gain the position he prefers, the head on Alec’s chest to hear the young heart of the love of his life, of his immortal life, beating slowly in his rib cage. The hand on the rune on his chest.

“Are you jealous?” Magnus asks grinning.

“Sure” Alec answers, the expression very serene and vaguely sulky on his face. “Of course, I'm jealous,” he adds. “Since when there is that thing, you don’t even look at me anymore. Admit it, you just wanted me to put it on your finger.” the tone is amused, playful, and his eyes shine, he seems to be still trying to look serious, but with very little success. On his lips a smile trembles, again.

“Well, you caught me! A wedding ring was missing from my collection” answers Magnus, very serious. Yes, he is good at acting. “So Alexander, my dear, you can go now”.

“Oh terrible, you're terrible!” he replies laughing and blowing a kiss in his hair.

Magnus clings more to him, and perhaps smiles so much that his cheeks hurt, then returns to rest his head on his chest, rubs his cheek against the rune and sighs. “I love you” he says very softly, almost in a whisper.

Alec passes his fingers on his bare shoulders, runs through the dry and defined musculature of his back, counts the vertebrae of his spine. “I love you,” he whispers, too. The voice is velvety and hoarse, still a bit kneaded by sleep.

Maybe he will never metabolize this thing, this incredible happiness that reverberates in his bones and radiates under his skin, running through his veins; maybe he will never be able to really give it a name because he has never been so happy, never like now. And maybe today he is happier than yesterday, this week he is happier than last week. And it will always be like this, for an indefinite, indefinable, infinite time. As long as the two of them will love each other everything will be in place.

An impossible vulnerability is strength, the strength to love and to let himself be loved.

“I'm happy.” he says then, very softly and comes out like a whisper from his lips, incredulous and taken aback, the breath that is shortened at the back of his throat. Happiness is a tiny thing, yet so powerful. It makes an exorbitant noise, while it beats hard in his heart, yet, yet it’s such a natural emotion, so genuine.

And he feels naked, oh God, to be honest he actually is naked, but he feels even more naked, a nakedness, a crudity: he is vulnerable, and there’s nothing better than this.

Happiness is this, a snap of kisses, the tinkling of entertwined rings, and the light caresses that glide over their skin. It’s in the silent and eloquent glances, the smiles drowned in the edge of a cup of black and hot coffee, or melt in a kiss more moist and deep, slippery.

And it has never been so nice to be vulnerable.

“Very good,” Alec replies, rubbing his fingers over the short short hair on Magnus’ nape, in a reassuring caress. “It will always be like this,” he adds.

And it sounds like a promise.

Always. Always.

And Magnus wants it so much, a promise, a forever. And perhaps not to think about it, or more to seal that promise, Magnus rises and reduces the distance between their faces. And he kisses the hem of his lips first, very softly. And for a moment he stops and looks at him. Alexander with his curled lips that look like rose petals, and they taste honey and pomegranate, of love and eternity, of unconditional loyalty and devotion.

Magnus could swear to hear the sound of his own Adam's apple coming down when he swallows, the hot breath that escaped from Alec's lips along with the soft and slightly annoyed moaning of those who still want more. Damn it. Will he ever get used to this? To this whole thing? He hopes not.

And then their hands move, the paths of the fingers are intertwined on their respective skins, follow the black contours of those new runes, and interlace in elegant and perfect swirls, as if that has always been their place.

And again, Magnus’ heart makes that little jump when the wedding rings tinkle again, in the only instant in which their left hands meet and touch at the same point.

He is happy. Of an impossible happiness, is almost on the edge of chaos, far beyond any expectation, beyond any possible dream or desire. It’s the happiness of those who no longer have defences, and no longer have to have them, not around the heart. Because his heart is well protected, from that soft and slightly languid gaze that has kidnapped it, from the very first moment.

Alec is the only one. Alec is the love of his life. Of all his immortal life.

And that one kiss becomes ten, and then a hundred and then more and more. Or maybe he’s exaggerating. But the hunger, the insatiability of that passion seems to burn him in the throat, along with joy, the contentment. Being in the right place is priceless. Being chosen, loving and being loved is all that he has always wanted.

They break apart only to look at each other, to say very soft incognizable words, sweet nothings, and they are so close that their words are lost on their respective mouths.

Then it is Alec who moves forward, in a desperate movement that makes his whole body arch, and tugs Magnus in his arms. They are not morning routine kisses, a bit sleepy, they are those ravenous kisses that tear their breath away and leave them dazed at the end, their eyes half closed and a satisfaction that breaks their bones.

Magnus shoves another little kiss on his lips, while Alec rubs his eyes with the back of his hand.

“So?” Alec asks, an impatient gurgling that rises from his stomach. “Breakfast?”.

“Well, we either have breakfast or I eat something else,” Magnus replies smiling, but without really moving from that privileged position, his hand resting just above the rune on Alec's heart and his chin propping up the back of his hand, perhaps, with a decidedly too flirtatious air.

“You're terrible,” Alec snorts, rubbing his thumb in the middle of his forehead. “I know that for that kind of activity, however, I need a little more energy”.

And Magnus laughs and moves. “French Toast!”.

“As always,” Alec nods finally jumping out from their bed.

The promise of a forever that now seems palpable, on the tip of their tongue.

Maybe it will not be forever, maybe they will not be eternal, but they are working on it. They are working on it. Indeed, it can be said that the heaviest step has been accomplished. They have those rings that symbolize belonging, have those runes, Alec burned on the flesh, and Magnus inked under his skin, and those marks make them one, one on the hand and one on the heart, binds that seal their union. Like in Solomon’s Song of Songs.

And Magnus has learned it by heart, that passage, that passage from which the Nephilim marriage ritual descends, and every time he looks at his hand, at that spark of light that the metal band refracts he feels in the right place. Vulnerable and invulnerable. Almighty, omnipotent.

Because their love is the strongest, and maybe eternity really awaits them.

#damn i'm so weak for malec wedding #self-indulgent fic #malec wedding #malec fluff #malec fic

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ac-ars · 6 years

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easy

damn she is here, i couldnt write anything yesterday becauseeee i was at work and i had exam today and then i procrastinated but yes she is here

day 4 - “We’re roommates and we’ve barely interacted so far, but one night there’s a thunderstorm and I’m a serious astraphobic and come into your room shaking because I don’t know what else to do and you lull me to sleep by stroking my hair”

🌙

easy

Matteo can't really tell what wakes him up in the middle of the night. Was it a thunder or maybe the light on in the kitchen he can see, because he left the door of his bedroom open since it's been hot as fuck recently and the more air flow he can get the better. Anyway Lyra isn't really anywhere near him as she tends to, but maybe she is with Luna, who knows, his cat is a traveller since Luna moved in and he doesn't mind, but she is kinda scared of storms so he would love to have her here.

But the light is on in the kitchen, and despite the fact that he doesn’t wanna, he needs to go and check on whoever (most likely Luna) has a problem over there. Maybe she is getting her night snack? Though, this would be weird, because she decided to stop with this habit. He knows that mostly from the sticker on the fridge she probably put it and he can’t say he isn’t proud of her.

Matteo gets up eventually with a heavy sigh and stretches himself yawning loudly. He leaves his room and finds Luna in the kitchen with Lyra sitting next to her on the counter while the Mexican girl is making some tea.

“Can’t sleep?” he asks and regrets it immediately, because she jumps so much she almost throws her mug off the counter making Lyra meow.

“Jesus Christ Matteo Balsano don’t you dare to scare me like that, please,” she mumbles, trying to chill her breathing and closing her eyes for a moment. “Why are you here?”

“I would love to ask you the same question, did something happen?”

She hums playing with the spoon in the mug. “Not really, I just couldn’t sleep. Now why you?”

Matteo hums caressing his jaw. “Something woke me up and I noticed light on, so I decided to check what’s going on.”

Luna nods, not saying anything else, just focuses on the electric kettle until it turns off. This is all kinds of weird for Luna, who is usually all bubbly and talkative while now she said nothing to make a conversation.

They aren’t the best of friends, she actually isn’t living with him that long, she needed a place to stay for now, because she decided she can’t live with her best friend who keeps setting her up with every boy existing and mixing with her head while trying to give her some good advice. Matteo understands that it can be pretty annoying and Ambar said her cousin was looking for a place to live, actually a room, since she cant afford whole apartment. He actually needed someone to move in after Gaston gave up on Argentina and left to England without saying bye.

So Luna moved in with her mess and colorful stuff, leaving flowers everywhere and leaving books around. Surprisingly Matteo never minded that, she is still better than Gaston who kept telling him puns about every single thing in their apartment, and when at first it was just annoying, the puns itself, later it was too much the same jokes one by one and generally at the end Matteo wished him to choke on his dumb puns.

She is always in good mood, always singing something, and humming, dancing while cooking some basic shit, because for the love of the universe, she can’t cook at all. But now, here he has her, looking around anxiously and biting on her lower lip as she is pouring the hot water into her mug.

“Hey, you,” he murmurs and pokes her on the ribs when she puts the kettle away. “What is going on?”

She opens her mouth to say something, but another lightning blinks behind the curtains and her eyes shut close when she waits for the thunder to come. When it does she shivers and takes deep breath and Matteo guesses that she is scared of the thunder or something so he takes his arm around her shoulders. “Do you want me to stay with you here?”

Luna sends him a look, mixing her tea so the sugar can melt in there, and nods a little, leaning to his side. Lyra mrrows at them, making them laugh slightly and Luna looks up at him. “Do you wanna some tea too?”

Before he manages to answer, she already stands high, high on her tiptoes so she is the tallest Luna, and reaches to the high cupboard to get Matteo his own mug. She of course picks his favorite, what makes him smile. Without saying anything, just listening to the sound of the rain hitting the glass of the windows, he watches how she takes the tea and doesn’t put any sugar in the mug before pouring the rest of the water. He is kinda surprised with how quickly this girl picks up on others’ habits, always remembering what one likes and what they don’t, but that’s a very big pro of living with her.

He stands next to her, leaning his hips back against the counter as they wordlessly drink their tea and as surprised as Matteo is in this very minute, it’s such a calming time, where he can think of whatever he wants, while making sure Luna isn’t shivering anymore when a lightning strikes somewhere away from them.

“Do you want to know a secret?” he asks eventually, as he is done with his tea and Lyra jumps annoyed after he puts his empty mug on the counter next to her.

Luna scrunches her nose as she takes her eyes to him, maybe a little troubled to get out of her thoughts, but she hums encouraging him to speak more.

“I can teach you how to count the distance from where the lightning did strike.” He sends her a smile as she gasps surprised and jumps excited. “Yes, teach me. I wanna know.”

🌙

They are in the living room now, Luna’s tea half forgotten as they are standing by the window, his cold hands are on her shoulders keeping her steady, because now she seems excited instead of anxious, and that’s already blink of “his” Luna here.

He hums softly next to her ear to get her attention back to him and when she does he smiles. “Now we gotta wait for the lightning to appear somewhere so we can see it. When we do, you count seconds starting when the lightning hits, and you count until you hear the thunder. Is it clear?” he asks to make sure and Luna nods surely, while nibbling on her lower lip.

They gotta wait few minutes, but when it blinks, the brunette starts counting in her head and he knows it, because now her eyes are much more focused and her mouth are moving barely, but they are.

When the thunder sounds loudly she jumps, but he is holding her close, so she doesn’t seem to mind that. “How much was it?” he asks, resting his chin on top of her head.

“Nine, I think.” She turns to him and he leans her against the cold window and she pouts at him when he doesn’t answer at first. Such an impatient, soft soul. “So you have nine seconds and you gotta divide it by three, then you will get how many kilometers away from you the lightning did strike at first place. Well, more or less, but that’s helpful, you get to focus on something when the storm is somewhere around.”

Luna nods slowly and smiles a little at him. “Thanks, that actually calmed me down a bit here.”

“You haven’t told me you were scared of thunderstorms before, though. You could’ve and it would be easier since the beginning.”

She clears her throat and blushes tiny, before moving away from him and curling on the couch. He follows her, because why not, besides it’s easier to see her and hear her in the darkness and while the rain is getting heavier.

“I’m not really, really scared of the thunders tho,” she mumbles and Matteo frowns a little, resting next to her more comfy than not, but she doesn’t mind him so close. “I’m just paranoid after this movie I saw the other day where some lightning struck something, and it started burning, and I’m just the most terrified of fire.”

Her voice gets a little messy and quiet, and he just hugs her tightly, what apparently surprises her, but eventually Luna just hides on his chest and sighs. “It’s not something that keeps happening often, but Lyra was messing with my comforter to get cuddles so it kinda woke me up, and then there was this loud, super close thunder and I died.”

Matteo starts humming and playing with her hair as she talks and when she stops he just boops her nose. “Still, that’s okay thing to be afraid of, it’s not like I would make fun of you like I do when you sing loudly under the shower or wash your teeth while looking in the mirror. We all are scared of something.”

Luna hums and looks up at him. “Are you scared of something then?”

“No.” He laughs and she huffs. “But I am big Matteo and I’m here to hug you and make you hot chocolate when you are scared.”

“There was no chocolate yet, where is it?”

He laughs so much and pulls her closer. “Later. Now we shall sleep, since tomorrow is not a weekend and we both have uni and other important shit.”

Luna rolls her eyes and gets up, taking the blanket around her shoulders. As she is about to get into her bedroom, he just takes her wrist and pulls her back. “You don’t think I will leave you to sleep alone, even if you seem to be okay already.”

She hums, ending up just lacing their fingers together and following him. “So I’m gonna sleep with you in one bed, and we cuddle with Lyra until the storm is done?” Matteo laughs when she says it. Out loud it seems a little funnier, but yeah that’s what he is planning to do, but he doesn’t confirm or deny her words.

He takes the pillow, obviously, making her pout a little, but then he just pulls her to his chest, so she can rest like that. At first she stirs around, trying to get into some comfy position to stay in, despite the fact that he is sure she just needs to move around, because she wouldn’t be named Luna Valente.

Eventually she rests in one place, letting him pull a cover over them, Lyra mrrows trying to get somewhere between them, but when she doesn’t fit her tiny head anywhere, she just sticks by Matteo’s side letting him scratch her belly for a moment.

Luna sticks to him tightly, she obviously loves being touchy, cuddle, hug, whatever can someone give her as long as it’s physical closure, and there is nothing here except the need of someone else who is warm to hold her. Matteo knows it perfectly, he learned that she is just the type of person who is better comforted, when hugged.

He starts playing with her hair as he can’t really fall asleep, he wraps single strands around his fingers, tangles a little more than those curls already are, and in a few moments her lashes tickle him on the neck for the last time, and her breathing is finally stable.

🌙

Few weeks later, this time he isn’t woken up by the light, or Lyra, or the thunder itself. He just notices someone curling next to him under the sheets and hugging him tightly, so he guesses he can sleep and not try to shut the blinds on the window. The sleep comes back super quickly, he is lulled to very, very quiet sound of soft whispers with counting, and as long as she is here, he knows that she is all okay.

#soy luna #lutteo #lutteoficweek #my writing

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didsomeonesayventus · 7 years

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idk i try to keep things a-okay on here but i just really need to vent on like.

everything.

god fucking dammit don’t you just love working twice as hard as your superior only to make like, what, a few dollars an hour less? yeah, checking salary data online my assistant manager, the one that DID NOT impress the area manager or whatever the hell the boss of my boss is, is making like roughly 4$ more than me every hour to do half as good a job in.. anything. Did I fucking mention her boss saw me working with her and someone else and mentioned to the actual manager he was only impressed with me??? god she can’t even be bothered to refill coins or fucking count the safe properly but will spend all her time in the back and make everyone else take on a workload she should be taking on herself because we’re already short staffed here and still losing people but no she’s getting fucking paid more than me- who drives myself to panic attacks to try keep up with making sure things are actually moving along and that people get their food -to basically sit on her ass and become dead weight that ends with me leaving later than I should. Fuck she tells me I work too hard, move too fast, but bitch I bet it’s because you can’t get on my damn level you mid-life crisis piece of shit. You’re like. at least 40. You’ve been a teacher. Why can’t you do better than Panda Express Assistant Manager that you didn’t even actually earn from what I hear you just schmoozed to the manager at your last location and didn’t get actual training to be a manager of any sort.

I can’t figure out groceries, I don’t know how to cook nor do I have motivation to so whatever I do get ends up spoiling, so I’m wasting so much money of my already small paycheck (30-36 hours a week on 10.50$ an hour, pay every other week with roughly 15% of that taken for taxes) eating out and even then not giving myself any sort of proper nutrition. I don’t exercise enough either or keep up with showers and teeth brushing and laundry like a person should be so I’m fucking withering away in full out shrug emoji and getting fat and unhealthy and letting everything decay okay maybe im not that bad but I really don’t care.

I can’t afford to go back to college this semester because I’ve been paying rent to my parents (and that ridiculous 450$ a month is due to go up because they could be selling our house for more than they got it for but can’t because me and my older brother are still living here so COMPENSATION I GUESS) and paying for my car (repairs AND gas for a clunker old enough to drive itself and bare minimum insurance) and paying for food and maybe SOMETHING to live for and make me feel okay for just a moment that’s like. stupid cheap generally less than 10$ in terms of price and generally having trouble limiting myself to stricter budgeting so I can actually save up and GOD DAMN don’t get me started on how the college down the street is so fucking packed that I can’t really take any courses unless I signed up like, back in may and I still don’t even know WHY I’m going to college besides “has to” and I can’t bother to fill out FAFSA and like fuck anyone would give me a scholarship since I’m so firmly average and so many people need it more than me.

I still have to make at least 10 job applications or I’m getting 100$ added to my rent because I guess if I hate my job so much why aren’t I getting another when I have no college degree no marketable skills and have been stuck in fast food for two years and therefore have no experience in anything desireable and I don’t know myself enough to sell myself gee I wonder why I don’t have a better job dad :)))))) I can’t even really say im bright and cheery because that is fading and fading fast because of this damn job where I have no support and constant stress.

I have so much shit in my life i need to fix up. I’m turning 21 this year, I’m getting all these messages about how I should be moved out and on my own and going to college for something I’m so incredibly passionate about and living that wonderful youth life and maybe backpack across the country or whatever.

I have no passions. Art is a distraction and a hobby and no one likes it enough to buy it for dirt cheap anyways (that lunafreya piece came out to about 21$ in my commission pricing and took me like. probably 3 or 4 hours???? which translates to 7$/hour at best and 5.25$/hour at worst???????????) I can’t even write on my rp blog, the last little bastion of any of my love for writing and I don’t fucking care enough about grammar and all that to bother with going for an english major and I don’t have any stories long enough to merit writing and publishing and what’s finished is fucking stupid and not going to get a second glance.

but guess what I keep falling back on doing all these stupid drawings and losing myself in characters and hiding all this pain behind them like that makes it okay but no everyone comes out so fucking OOC to me because I impose so much of my hurt and sadness onto them heck YMX isn’t even fucking YMX anymore I’ve latched onto him so hard to give myself some way of pitying myself without actually pitying myself. you guys can go ahead and say it I’ve fucking ruined him he’s not even an actual character anymore I’ve stripped away literally anything that merits him as a younger Xehanort. You can also say I’ve completely lost sight of who Ventus is as a character and just keep writing fucking 2006-era Roxas.

god i want help. i want help so bad but i don’t feel like i actually need it i just need to get over myself and get moving but i can’t i can barely get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes cuz I just wanna keep sleeping and fuck work and fuck doing anything give me a twelve fucking year coma please and let me wake up talented and pretty and loved and actually worth giving a damn about and if not strangle me on those stupid christmas lights I got last year in a silly attempt to be festive and later to try and give some sort of aesthetic to my kleptomaniac’s bedroom at least I’ll give my life a nice poetic send-out.

I can’t even get help anyways my parents just likely spent a fortune on my sister in hospital visits and therapy appointments because she revealed she was suicidal earlier this year (which fucking wrecked me I knew she was a mess but not that bad) and she’s so much better now and I’m so happy she is and her dog is kinda stupid and needs more walks but Matilda at least makes her happy but we can’t go through that song and dance again with me. We cant have two mental health crises in this family in one year and I most definitely cant ask for help i’ll look like an attention-seeking brat. that’s probably what I am I’m the second eldest out of five and a girl who didn’t have a mom figure I could approach for most of my life and don’t know how to approach my dad or step mother. no one will see i need help just that im looking for attention. fuck man that’s not even getting into how I’ve been in therapy before and in hindsight it feels fucking wasted whoo boy can’t wait to waste money again.

im tired.

I’m just kinda here.

I’m not even sure if I could call it surviving.

#Katie rambles #negative #really negative guys you're not obligated to read this I just need to vent #it's 1:00 am. the usual time I fall asleep because I can't fucking fall asleep because I get home at 11pm #and then I'm stupid and turn on my computer and try to end my day nicely with fucking tumblr or whatever

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lavender-uke · 7 years

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Just another rant/story... literally happened just now

*trigger warning: violence in neighborhoods*

so to help me out economically, my sister in law and my brother got me a job through this government program theyve been working for.. and basically i will be giving away phones to people with government need based help. so just a few minutes ago, my brother, my baby neice, my sister in law and I were in their dining room... and we were going through the app i would have to use in order to qualify people for their free phone. My sister in law was showing me how all the mechanics of the app worked... and that’s when we heard four consecutive gunshots come from the liquor store nearby our house... usually people make jokes about how you cant tell a firework from a gunshot, but this was unmistakably a series of gunshots... and it was certainly not a joke

we all froze... my sister in law and i turned to look at my brother, and my brother looked at us... our eyes were wide open in shock.. and i remember seeing my brother’s face and thinking about how similar his faced looked to DK’s when seventeen won their 1st award on show champion... any other time i would have laughed at the comparison, but at that moment i was just riddled with shock... a few moments passed by.. and it felt like an eternity before we heard a series of more gunshots and this time... they were seemingly shooting at each other..

IMMEDIATELY, we all ran and crouched. I heard my sister in law scream “GRAB THE BABY” and instinctively I yelled “LOCK YOUR SHIT” before running out of their dining room, quickly going through their bedroom, and into my parent’s kitchen... turning on all the lights, I ran towards the front door.. a little frightened by how close I was to the street at that point...but I locked the door and turned on the light to the front porch... I then ran into all the bedrooms and closed all the windows, despite the windows already being barred from the outside, and turning on all the lights..

we then ran back to the furthest part of the house, and we stayed together until we heard cop cars... it took way too long for them to show up.. considering they were about a single block away from our house and the liquor store up the street... I remember hearing my sister in law yelling “You see?! This is why I don’t like you going over there!” and my brother didn’t say anything .. because he was guilty of visiting that place, specifically its weed dispensery that since being placed there.. has seemingly made our neighborhood more dangerous... my sister in law was confused as to why i kept all the lights on, and my brother and i explained that it was better so as to make it seem like people were in the house.. because usually when things like that happen, the people being chased by cops are inclined to search for houses to hide in, but theyre more likely to choose a house that seems empty (though sometimes, they dont give a fuck and barge into your property anyway, thats why you close and lock everything too)

how bad does an area have to be to have a police station, and a weed dispensery within a block of each other?? and then for people to go shooting the place up without caring if the cops are right next door? and then for the cops to show up late?

honestly, all i could feel was guilt, because my first thought was “I leave for college tomorrow and then I wont have to deal with this anymore because the town i live in is really nice”... and then i thought about all my underclassmen, the students i mentor, that still have to deal with this on a daily basis... and then i thought about all the classmates that felt pressure and hopelessness from happenings like this... and then i felt angry

and i still feel fucking angry..

but i used to feel angry because i knew it was the social systems fault, and it encouraged me to do better in school and help my classmates.. but now i felt angry because i was seemingly expected to inspire and save the whole fucking town with my success in college or whatever, and i felt angry that my classmates who are pretty much all now fully dropped out of college felt the same way... i felt angry that this was the place i was expected to be in forever.. i felt angry that i had to fucking prove myself to everyone that im a fucking human with abilities and talents using “the power of education” because thats the easiest way to escape poverty ... even though i know many many MANY of my classmates would have really preferred the privilege to practice their artistic or athletic abilities like the white people do in the suburbs.. .the same fucking suburbs that white people complain that nothing happens.. when we’re over here begging for even an ounce of that kind of life... i felt angry because on top of racism, danger, segregation, and poverty, we have to deal with mental illnesses that never get fucking addressed because we’re 1. thinking about too much other shit and 2. dont have the fucking income to afford a therapist

i feel so fucking angry it sickens me, i feel angry thinking about all the fucking people that will tell me “okay, then what are you gonna do about it? You have to stand! Fight for your people! Fight for your rights! Fight for your education”

like it is infuriating in the first place thinking about how the VICTIMS have to do something about it but mostly............it is NOT my job or even WITHIN MY HUMAN CAPABILITY... WITHIN MY EMOTIONAL ABILITY... AND MY MENTAL ABILITY... TO SAVE A WHOLE TOWN... TO SAVE ALL OF MY PEOPLE... LIKE IM SOME KIND OF MOSES... because thats how it feels to have expectations for the first time in your life... and thats how it is for most kids in areas like mine... because you know what? yes you’re right. standing up and fighting against racism and segregation together will help us all... but not everyone is emotionally capable of the pressure.. and that doesnt make them weak that makes them human.. because trust me when you live your whole life through this shit.. its not as fucking easy to take encouragement from all this.. its not.. this isnt some shit to be like “welp golly this is why we have to fight!” and shoot inspirational shit out of our ass... this isnt the kind of shit we want to be inspired by... this is our reality.... give some people space to deal with it how theyre comfortable.. because yeah they feel angry at the system.. but damn let them feel what they want to feel first.. even if it takes them years and years to be like “okay.. im ready to face this fight” even if it takes them their whole life..

because we’re fucking human... and all the emotional baggage is not easy to deal with.. and we didnt grow up with the “lets sit around and talk about our feelings” mentality.. NOR the “there’s a problem here, let’s fix it mentality” .....quite the damn contrary........

so yeah... rant over

#guns #south central LA #rant #education #some of you may not be happy with my conclusion #but #i stand by it #because i care about the mental health of POC

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swiftingthroughlife13 · 4 years

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I have never been so stressed out in my life.. My fiancé lost his job bc of the corona virus. We were planning on moving into our own apartment bc our roommate is the WORST. We have always paid our rent but the internet has gotten shut off before and so has the water. Plus one of his dogs broke our bedroom window so our window has been broken for 2 months. On top of that he never cleans so there are bugs literally everywhere and people always drink my milk and eat our food! I hate it! If they replaced it.. Or at very least ASKED it would be a different story. Our other roommate yells at her daughter first thing in the morning and super late at night. Her dogs go to the bathroom in the house all the time and she won't pick it up for hourrrrrs. I desperately need to get out of this place. Like SO despetately. But now that my man lost his job I can't afford a down payment on a place. I could still afford rent on my own. I just can't get a down payment on a place. I honestly hate it SO much. I don't know what to do but I desperately need to get out of this unhealthy environment like yesterday... I hate going to the bathroom and seeing bugs in the shower or turning on the kitchen light and seeing bugs scatter across the counter... I just need to get my own place more than ever before. This house is gross. I just need to give my roommate a 30 day heads up. And I found a place that is available that we can move to. I just need to be able to save up the money. I just cant with only 1 of us working. I don't know what to do. I just can't handle living in this environment anymore... Literally ANY help would be appreciated to get me out of here 😭

@taylorswift @taylornation

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kyskingdom · 5 years

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Harmonize. (First book I ever wrote. age 9)

Its quite here. There is no noise, except Gala snoring next to me. A car pulls into the drive, Gala snaps awake and growls at the noise. The person in the car is Emily, my sister. She "accidently" left her wedding ring here last time she visited. I think she just wanted a reason to come home again. Just a few weeks ago, Emily married Tom, a semi-truck driver who treats her amazing. They go everywhere together, which is why Emily needed an excuse to come home. I hear the front door open, and I hear her shoes on the floor. She knocks on my door. But walks in immediately after. So the knock was pretty pointless. Why is she In my room though? I told her where the ring was when we were on the phone earlier. I tried to make it sound like I wasnt going to be home. Its not like I dont love my sister, I just dont want to talk to her right now. I dont know why. But I don't. She stands in the door way and stares at me, I stare at the floor. "Selina, what is it?" Said Emily making her way to my side. "Nothing." Emily started poking my arm, trying to get my attention. I pretended not to feel Emily, though it was getting very annoying. "What is it? You can tell me." Oh! Wow! Yes! I'm just gonna tell you everything! "I dont know,I guess I just want to be able to support myself." I cringe, that's the best my brain can come up with? Pathetic. "What? You already support yourself." Okay, I'm getting pretty annoyed, just play along! "No I'm mean, completely support myself, like, in my own house..." That part wasnt a lie, I do want my own place. "Well, just, I don't know, just dont rush yourself." I looked up at Emily, I know why she has someone and I dont, she is stunningly pretty. I have always thought she was beautiful, her freckles around her nose, the short wavy auburn hair that hang over her shoulders. Like our mom. I dont look like them. My features are plain. I'm sometimes feel invisible, like my face has been used too many times. "Well," I said "I've gotta get to work." "You know," said Emily ,"you shouldn't be working two jobs at 19." I work one, so I correct her. "I only work one." I try to say this as serious as possible, but its hard to when Mary is such a wonderful woman. "Oh right, 'taking care of Mary isn't a job' right?" Emily said in an awful, what I would guess to be an impression of me. "Well, it isn't." I turned and grabbed my purse from the dresser, as Emily was passing me to leave. I walked out after Emily, who turned for the door, after she said goodbye to mom. My mother is wearing a scowl, one she saved for a very specific person, this cant be good. Or it might be really good! "Mary Rogers called last night, Saphy got her driving license so she'll be taking care of her now." Saphy, that little...I decide not to discuss her right now, I already know my mom hates her as much I do, so I play it off as if I'm talking about someone pleasent. "I thought Saphy was in Florida? Remember, she thought she was too good for Louisiana?" I always thought Louisiana was a great place for everyone to live, turns out, pretty-in-pink barbie dolls hate it here. "She's coming back to town, Her friends and her got in an argument, well a 'life crisis' if you ask her." Mom smiled at the 'life crisis' part, I really dont know why though. Other then to, I dont know, add something interesting to the conversation. Her and Emily talk the same way, while smiling. "Right, I need to get to work." I hugged her and headed for the door. I think about Mary on my way to work, A 98 year old woman who always insisted on me calling her 'aunt'. The first time we met, I had about 20 cats circling my feet, all meowing, Mary came down the stairs with a little furball kitten in her hand. It was the cutest thing I have ever seen! I smiled, remembering how sweet Mary was, but the smile quickly faded. Unfortunately, everyday I have to pass the road where my dad was killed by a drunk driver, I was around 8, sitting in the back seat, singing along to the radio, when a loud screeching sound rang in my ears, then glass reflected red and blue lights on the dashboard. I pulled into the small parking lot of the restaurant I work at, it was just me and Dolores, the cook, and like 5 people that wanted a coffee refill for the road. I normally just read, but I am fresh out of books, so I need to make a deal, I go around my school and ask people for their books, with the promise that I will do the book report, but its summer, and nobody has book reports in the summer. I was brought out of my day-dream feeling my phone buzz, my mom. "hey are you busy?" Nope, just busy with my book-dealer thoughts! "Its never busy here mom." I thinks thats less of a crazy answer, right? "Right, well, Someone just called, He needs a new caretaker." He? I specificaly put on my resume 'Woman Only!' But the resume only exists in my head, and as far as I know, people cant see into my brain place, not that theyd want to, my train of thought often crashes into the Great Wall of Stupid, and repairs take a while. "Do I know him?" That was a stupid question! No, of course you dont know, you have conversations in your head like this one to avoid talking to real people! "I don't think so,his name is Brian Elderson,He just dropped outta college." College?? How old is this guy? I should make friends with him, enough money to drop out of college! "College?How old is he?" "I'd guess about 18-20." Woah, what? Why? And how? "Okay, what is wrong with him?" That sounded insensitive, but mom knows what I mean, I hope. "He was paralyzed in a car crash, I dont think hes gonna be as easy, he was one of those hard-headed and strong-going kids, and now he thinks he useless." Hmm...did she Google him or something? "How do you know all this?" "Hes one of my co-workers son." Mom dosent care for her co-workers, but I've never heard the name 'Elderson' Before. "I've never heard you talk about anyone named Elderson." "I didn't even know he existed, but he over heard Elly and I talking about you and Mary." Elly was Mary's younger sister, though they didn't talk much, Elly was still acting like she was 20, Elly and Mary still cared about each others well being. A woman just walked in the door, and headed to the back corner table. "alright I've gotta go, an alien just walked in." Mom must have understood, because she hung up, or she was afraid it wasn't me talking and someone possessed me, either way I would be happy with. I went to take the woman's order, but before I could speak, the woman said "eggs and toast." I honestly dont know what I expect. We have menus glued under the glass tables. Do people know we serve other things then eggs? I relayed it to Dolores, who was dancing in the kitchen, but stopped immediately when she saw me. "Who is it?" Asked Dolores "Dunno, but she looks rich and official." " 'Rich and official' only you could come up with that." I rolled my eyes and went back to my barstool, and stare at the counter, it has a very interesting design, but not really. Rich and official. Those were the first words that came to my mind when I looked at her, She had blazing red hair and a black jumpsuit, she reminded me of a certain book charecter. I grab the plate of food Dolores slid on the counter in front of me, interupting my disecting of the counter design, and went back to the table and offered it to the woman. I handed it to the woman and went back to the barstool, the counter isnt as interesting anymore, but I continue to stare anyway. Me and Dolores spent the next half hour peeping around the corner at the woman like cannibals, but, she never came back, and we were back to the same few customers. This place is going to go bank-rupt soon, and there is nothing I can do about it, the helpless feeling is the worst, like theres a hole in my chest that little helpless bugs lay eggs. "Well, That kinda sucks." said Dolores "Yeah, What can we do about it though?" I say like wasn't just invisioning little mosquito like bugs laying eggs inside my heart. "What we need is a fundraiser." said Dolores. "Fundraiser? Like anyones gonna buy from our bakestand when they have way better food." I said pointing down the road at our rival restaurant rival. "Who said I was talking about a bakestand?" Oh, my brain just automatically guessed a bakestand since that's what most normal people do, my mistake. "Well what were you thinking?" "Dunno, Any ideas?" Well, then I guess we're going with the cookies and a wood stand! "No, not really." I say. "Do you know anyone who might be able to lend us some money even for a paint job?" Hmm...let me think, like anyone can afford paint around here, living in a poor town! Just peachy! "Everyone I know can't even afford their own paint." "That's what happens in a poor town, right?" Oh crap! She can read minds! Take cover! All my psycho thoughts hide under the tables! "Yeah." The door opens and coffee refills walk in the door, not literally, but that's all they ordered. “”“ "Well, I'm checkin' out for the day." said Dolores, she says it as if I dont know that she always leaves at the same time every day. "Yep, I'll just clean up and I'm leaving too." So I headed over to the one table that woman sat at and wiped it off, there really isnt anything else to do, so I head to my car. When I walked in the door, Gala greeted me by licking my face, she was tall enough when she stood on her back feet, as I am freakishly short for someone my age. Mom came out of her bedroom, carying her purse and her phone in the other, she looked disoriented about something. "Feeling alright mom?" Mom let out a sigh, this cant be good, she uselly only wears that face when somethings wrong, or she had a bad day at work, but thats pretty much the same thing. "Mary" She says. Mary what? Is she okay? "Is she okay?" "Kind of, she had a heart attack last night, the hospital just released her this morning to a nursing home." "They probably should have released her yet, right?" "No, they shouldn't have, but they dont think she has too much longer to live" Her voice wobbles at the end of her sentence, Even though Mary was old, she was still very close my mom and I, so losing her would be purely awful. "We're going to see her, right?" I dont know why I said that, we are obviously going to see her. "You think I'm gonna leave her by herself?" I feel worse with my mothers reply, it was rather harsh, so I know she is worried. "Your right,that was a stupid question" I followed her quietly to her car. She turned the key, it cranked and cranked, but didnt start. "We'll take my car." I say after mom gave up, the battery has been needing jumped every day for a while, and company's wont lower the flipping price of car batterys! It was a quiet and awkward ride, the home was about an hour away, sometimes its nice to just get in tje car and ride, with no plan as to where you re going, or what your even doing. But this is not a relaxing ride, Mary is laying in a hospital bed, probably not feeling too good, and she likes to talk to anyone and everyone, but shes probably by herself right now. Sometimes we can pull a radio signal, so I try, but I regret it. 'Deeper than The Holler' came on, it was mom and Dads song when they were in high school. Tears were swelling up in moms eyes, tears like a blade piercing my heart, slow and painful. I turned it off, I miss him too much, and its not safe to drive for my mom to drive with blurry vision. I clear my throat. "I'm sorry." Tears roll down my face as I choke on the words. "Sometimes," mom says "we need to let go, and get over the past, to be able to live in the present." She reached forward and turned the radio back up. I can't believe she just did that. The song that brought back so many memories, them dancing in the living room every time time it came on, their wedding song. She turned it back on. After my heart was drained of anything happy, she had the strength to turn it back on. She knew him better then I did. She went on trucking trips with him, he was a trucker. After Emily was born, Mom ha to stay home, every once in a while she would go with him. After I was born, she went with him even fewer places. Then Dylyla came along, Mom couldnt go at all. Dylyla doesnt even live with us anymore, she lives with Grandma. It really makes me mad when I think of it, mom wanted her to get her grades up, or she was going to make her take a break from cheerleading. Dylyla hated mom after that, but Grandma didnt help at all, she said Dylyla could live with her and not worry about education. “”“ One of the home workers led us to Mary's room. I followed mom and Alice, the worker, down a brown hallway, it smells like a Bingo room, anything that smelled nice before, was now overpowered by cheap perfume. Alice left us at the doorway, Mom headed in first. "How are you?" Mom asked, I just hovered around the end of the bed, like a bee unsure of itself, that is what I am, always unsure, of everything. Thats the thing about life, you may think its certain, but I've learned that it never is, its always changing, just like the tide, the whales are so sure they won't be beached, yet they still are. I realize mom and Mary are deep in conversation, I dont really hear it though. Finally, Mary looks away from Mom. "Well don't act like a stranger! Get over here!" I smile, makeing my way to hug her, she is always so happy. "Oh I missed you! That girl does nothing but chatter on her darn ol'phone!" I feel bad, I didn't realize that it had been so long since Saphy has been taking care of her, well, only two days, but still. I used to think your heart couldn't actually feel anything, it was just you telling yourself it could, but I was wrong. I walk over to chair in the corner of the room and sit down. I am not, will not, cry, not here, not for Mary to see. I feel the pain, the pain people talk about. The heartbreak. I didnt think it was possible, but it is. I dont want it to be, but it is, and there's nothing I can do. The door to the room is still open, I decide to close it, but as I do, I see a little girl, 10 maybe. She is crying. I can only imagine what for, but it can't be good. As quiet as I can, I make my way back to the chair, trying not to interupt the conversation they are back into. I can't feel anything. If I let any feelings in, they will all crumble. I straighten in my chair, put on a face, and push every feeling out, every last one. It worked, I have been trying it a lot lately, and it works now. ”“”“” I woke up at 4:00 the next morning. I dont need to be at work for another hour, but I decided to go in early. I dont think I can talk to Mom right now, she'll just try to comfort me, and words arent what I need right now, words are powerful, but not as powerful as a hug, or a day in the rain with a good book. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror, my cheeks are still blotchy from last night, I layed in bed and cried myself to sleep. It is very obvious now. I throw on some makeup, just concealer to cover up the redness. Very quietly let Gala outside, I dont want to wake mom, she has the day off. Once Gala is back in, I lead her back to moms room and close the door. ”“”“ As I pull around the corner to the restaurant parking lot, I notice how bland it looks. It kind of hides. It definitely needs an update. I make a quick turn to the dollar store, I know they have like tablecloths and stuff, but I dont know what to do for the outside. ”“”“ There are now tablecloths for all the tables, curtains hanging on the outside of the windows, it actually looks really nice. I also bouhht one of those door frame floral tapestry things. Dolores pulls in as I put on some coffee. "Well, well, Somebody's been doing some shopping!" Said Dolores as she came in the door. "Do you like it?" I ask "Yes! It looks so much better, I thought the place had been demolished and rebuilt!" "It doesnt look that different." In fact, it hardly looks different at all. But it is more noticeable, which is what I was going for. Noticeable, but not in your face, like the place down the road. Dolores went back out to her car, she fumbled around for a long time, then re-entered with a bundle of wires and metal. "Its a radio." she announced like it was gold. "Where did you get that?" "I uh, acquired it." I smile. "You didnt steal it, did you?" I ask raising my eyebrows. "No! Well, maybe, my Ex's truck quit running so I ripped this thing out before we broke up." "And you kept it?" I ask. "Of course I kept it! I also kept his 50 inch TV he just had to have!" She scowls, I knew she hated him, but not that much. She looks at me and lifts a finger to point at me. "Dont you dare say 'I told you so'!" "Well, if you had listened-" I smile and bite my lip at her face, like A warning from an angry toddler. I'm trying so hard to hold in a laugh that I almost choke. "Stop! Its not funny!" Dolores exclaims. "You're right, its not funny. Not one bit." Then we both laugh. After a while, it turns into us doubled over with our mouths open like sick walruses. There no audible laughs. I can only imagine what we look like right now. Crap. Someone just came in the door, Dolores walks to the stove, hiding behind the wall, but I can still hear her laughing. I take a deep breath and walk over to the guys table. "What so funny?" He asks with a smile. "Actually," I say "I dont even know!" "One of those things, eh?" He says. "Yes. What would you like today?" "Eggs and coffee." He says. I walk to the coffee pot and pour a cup. When I go back to the table, he asks if I know his sister. "Whos your sister?" I ask, I already know I don't know her, but I dont what him to think I can read minds or do crazy crap like that. "Jane Brown" he says with a kind of longing in his eyes. "No, I don't think so." I know so, but he doesn't look too happy right now, nor does he look like he had a good relationship with her, since he hasnt looked up from his coffee. "Nah, I didn't figure, ain't nobody seen 'er." His eyes actually have tears in them. Should I sit down and comfort him? She I leave him to his feelings? I decide to pull out a chair and sit down, I still dont know if its a good call. "What does she look like?" I ask. "Hang on." he says as he fumbles in his pocket for his phone. He shows me a picture of a girl with short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. "We weren't very close when we were kids, but just as we worked out our issues, she was gone." he says, his eyes not really focused on anything. "And did she she say where she was going?" "Oh, I know where she went, but she aint in good shape." I feel like I shouldnt ask any more, so I dont but soon he is deep in his story of his sister, how she got in an unhealthy relationship, and the guy "poisened her brain" And that she wouldnt be coming back anytime soon. And that he was hoping she would come back home soon. As he talks, I notice green flecks in his blue eyes. I look away from his eyes as I realize that I shouldnt be looking at a stranger that way. But he does look to be around my age. Stop thinking like that! I tell myself, but I dont listen. After he was finished talking, I say "You know, my little sister is like that, expects to have the world handed to her. She lives with my grandma now" He looks at me and smiles, a smile he has probably practiced in the mirror. "Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?" He asks, still smiling. Heat rushes through my cheeks. I tuck my hair behimd my ear, hoping he doesnt notice how red my cheeks are. "No, why?" I shift in my chair. Yes, sitting down was the right choice. He laughs, a small laugh, but it sends a chill through my stomach. "I think you know why." He says. Now, the chill turns into a sickening feeling. I'm being called pretty by a stranger. Kind of creepy, ain't it? Dolores hollers around the corner. "Eggs and coffee on the love boat." I look back at him as I walk to get the plate, surprised to see him looking at me. "Thanks for that." I hiss at Dolores, who looks very pleased with herself. As I set the plate at his table, he looks at me, I'm not sure what to do, and I'm getting a little uncomfortable, I've never had an experience like this before. "I'm John, by the way." "Selina." I say and walk back to the kitchen and hide behind the wall. Dolores is plugging in the radio. I walk up behind her. "Dont you dare turn that on!" She looks up and smiles. "Why not?" She asks innocently. "Because the only station we can pull in is a love song station, and I know what you'll do!" "Okay, you dont have to lecture me!" "Okay, just...don't do anything." I walk over to a cormer amd lean up against the wall, I close my eyes. ”“”“” When I hear the bell above the door ring, I walk to clean up the table. I find a napkin with a phone number on it. I look behind me to make sure Dolores isnt watching, and shove the napkin in my pocket. I try to fight my smile, but I can't, so I just bite my lip to try to conceal it. I carry the plate and bill back and set them on the counter. I'll deal with it later. "Did he leave his number on the bill?" Dolores asks. "No," it isn't a lie, because it wasnt on tje bill. "And never will, so will you just knock it off?" "Ha! Not a chance." She answers. "Besides," she says "you could use some pointers." "Pointers? From the girl that just stole her Ex's radio?" "Hey! After 5 years of dealing with his crap, I think I have a right to a radio that was going in the dump anyway." I roll my eyes at her. I really wish I had a book that I could hide behind right now. Sadly, I still dont have any deals. Dolores is pulling out a small bag from her other huge bag. "How many bags do you have in one bag?" I ask. "7." She answers like its not obscure to carry around more than one huge bag. "What is that one for?" I ask. She pulled out a glittery purple one and set it on the counter. "If you want to make a good impression," She says. "For who?" I interrupt, I know who, and what, she means, but I'm never gonna even see him again anyway. "You know. The one you were just swooning over." "No," I say "I'm am not participating in your little plan here. Besides, you know how many girls he probably leaves his number to? Too many for me to care." She scans me like a lie-detector. But I'm not lying, I dont really want to be seeing someone who goes into random resteraunts and talks about his personal life to some waitress. I feel like I'm lying. But I'm not. Am I? No. Really though, who goes and tells a stranger about their psycho sister? Probably someone who will tell anyone anything, even if its none of their business. "Fine," Dolores says. "If you dont want a little romamce in your life, that's your choice." She says as she puts all her bags back in her bag. "That wasnt romance," I say, "That was a guy complaining about his sister. What's 'Romantic' about that?" She shrugs her shoulders. "I dont know, maybe because he chose you to talk to." "He didnt 'choose' me! Besides, if you would have went over there, he would have talked to you." "Okay then! Tomorrow, when he comes back, I will go wait on him, see what he says then." "You just do that," I say, sitting down on the barstool. "And good luck, because he wont be back." "Right." Dolores mumbles. But, I dont know what shes planning, because he aint gonna be back. Chapter 2 I get back in my car, and let out a sigh. I had a meeting with the Eldersons, I guess they wanted to see how I was, no one has ever wanted a visit before. Its refreshing to finally smell fresh air. The air in the house was full of air fresheners, I would almost bet that it smelled better without all the fragrances. They were pretty nice, I guess. Emma, Brians mom, asked me things like what I have in mind for my future amd small-talk like that. But nothing really related to care-giver work. Maybe she was just testing me. She is leaving her son with me, after all. “”“” When I get home, Mom is popping popcorn on the microwave. Gala is at her feet begging. "Gala! You user puppy!" I say as I bend down to pet her. "I figured we could use a movie night" Mom says as she piches the popcorn bag and puts it all in one big bowl. "We havent done that since Dylyla left." "No, we haven't, and since its just you and me, you can pick the movie." "You say that like you dont know what I will pick." My mom knows I have two favorite movies. That is one thing I told her. "Hm. Half-Blood Prince, or Divergent?" She asks. That is a hard choice, its been a while for both. "Which would you rather watch?" I ask "I cant make up my mind." She smiles, I already know what shes going to pick. "Harry Potter, Baby!" She says. ““”“ I wake up tired. We ended up watching all 8 Harry Potter movies, and all 3 Divergent Movies. We probably should have gone to bed earlier, but, we you are handed movies like that, theres no telling how long you'll be awake. We probably should have waited for the weekend. We both have to work today, and Emma wants to meet "Privatly without the family." I don't know what that's about, but I imagine since Colin, her youngest son, was being pretty distracting, she wants a more focused setting. We are meeting at a park at 3:00, but I dont get off until 4:00, so I'll have to talk to Dolores. She'll probably cover for me, not that it matters, no one is ever there. I slept through my alarm, so I hurry and dress, then run through the house like a ninja finding food. ”“” When I get there, Dolores is already there. Normally, I'm here way before she is. "Is everything alright?" She asks when I come in the door. "Yeah, Mom and I stayed up until 3:00 in the morning." I say as I tie on my apron. "Why in the world would you do that?" She asks. "Oh, you know, Harry Potter." I answer, smiling. "Ah, I see. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. Did you get a call last night?" She asks. I look at her questoningly. "What do you mean?" I ask. I feel clueless, like I should known what shes talking about. "Wow, you really must have missed a lot of sleep." She says. "I'm sorry, I'm not following you." I say. "Obviously! I'm talking about flirty-pants." I roll my eyes at her. She needs to drop it. "Will you please stop! This isnt some Insta-romance story. So knock it off, I already told you, hes probably some creeper. I'm not even looking for a relationship." I say to clear things up. I guess she took the hint because she just shook her head, but didnt say anything. I stay on the barstool for a while, but after a little bit, these seats get really uncomfortable. I go over to a booth and lay down. Before I know it I'm asleep, not remembering my last thought. I'm awoken by music blaring from the kitchen. Dolores must have gotten the radio working. I sit up, involuntarily groaning. I walk over to the kitchen, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and turn off the radio. Dolores comes out of the bathroom. "Why did you shut it off? And why do you look like a zombie?" She asks, but all I can do is glare at here. My mouth wont form words right now. I go back to the booth, but don't lay down, instead I stare out the window, wondering if penguins have knees. Soon, cars and people and bikes going by are just blures of color. I dont even her Dolores when she walks over. I dont notice until she blocks my view. "Here." She throws my phone into my lap. I pick it up, there a million texts from my mom, and a few missed calls. 'are you ok?' 'why arent you answering?' 'seriously, reply!' I keep scrolling, more of the same. Her texts look panicky, I immediately think the worst. Then I see the first text. 'hey sweety, she passed away, I'm sorry.' I can't see anything. My vision is blurry with tears. I feel Dolores' hand on my arm. An attempt at comfort, but we both know shes not good at it. I stare at my hands, this time, I'm going to let my tears come. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone, and I was not there for her. I wasnt there. And now shes gone. Gone. The word repeats in my head, as if on a broken record. It won't leave. It wont stop. And neither will the tears. Maybe she is in a better place. Maybe shes up there with her Mom, her Dad, her brother. I lean forward and put my head in my hands. I feel Dolores rubbing my back. She met her. Once. I feel like a wimp. Sitting here, crying. Its not who I am. But then again, who am I? I don't know. Not anymore. We should have visited her last night. Instead of watching movies. We should have. I cant think straight right now. What did I do after Dad died? I don't know. I dont remember. Not now. But I went through it once before I look at Dolores. She has a small tear in her eyes. More from sympathy, it looks like. "You can go home." She says before I can even ask. I lean over and side hug her. Sniff, and shove my phone in my pocket. I take off my apron and hang it on the hook. I walk out to my car. Crank the engine, and pull out. I feel numb. Too numb. I feel like I should be feeling something. Other than a blade in my chest. That's it. That's all I can feel. ““”“ When I get home, Gala is ready to lick my tears away. I sit down on the floor, and Gala and I stare into each others eyes, for a long time. Sometimes, I think animals understand things better then humans. Animals will put aside everything they have wrong. Humans are wrapped up in their own problems, that they wont put aside. Animals are truly a blessing. I feel bad for the unfortunate souls that dont like animals. The wall phone rings. I get up and check my voice to make sure it will work. "Hello?" "Hello, this is Emma, are we still meeting?" "Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I forgot, I'll be on my way! I'm so sorry." "Don't worry about it, I heard what happened." "Y-you did? From who?" I try to sound curious, not demanding. I dont know if it worked. "Oh, your mother told me this morning." "Oh, ok, I'm on my way." I hang up and run to the mirror. Blotches. Of course. I put on more makeup. Grab my purse. I'm out the door before I realize. Emma is already sitting on a park bench, holding a book, as gentle as if it could crumble in her finger tips. She looks beautiful with her hair blowing around. Her son definatly looks more like her than his dad. I step out of the car, Emma hears the car door shut, she carefully sets the book on top of her purse, when I get closer, I realize its a journal. "Hello!" She starts walking towards me, I'm walking toward her, I'm feeling very awkward, should I stop walking? I'm taken by surprise when she hugs me, as if we are long lost friends. Lost. The word rings in my head and I think of Mary. No. I wont think of her right now. Too late. My eyes are watery. "I'm so sorry to hear what happened." Emma says with a sorrowful look on her face. She's a nice woman. I've met her once, briefly. And she is already pitiful for me. I don't think that is normal. But maybe Ive never met a truly nice person before. Maybe I have. I dont remember them if I have, but I remember all the rude people who will shove me out of the way at the grocery store. Or flip me off in traffic. Or the man who killed my father. I will always remember his face. Permanently etched in my brain. People can't forget something when it affected them so badly. Thats not how the mind works, unfortunately. It would be wonderful if I could just tell myself to forget something. I would be much happier. Or would I? Maybe. Maybe not. "Well, at least shes in a better place now." I say. My eyes flick up to the sky. I hope thats where she is. I look down and stare at my shoes. Emma goes and sits on the bench. She moves her purse and beckons for me to sit. I walk over. Awkwardly. The bench is short, so we're only about a half an inch apart. I bring my shoulders forward to keep from brushing her. I dont know why though. I just feel uncomfortable. "I would like to ask you something." Emma says, "I hope these questions arent too annoying for you, I'm just a curious person." I look up at her and shake my head. "No, youre fine, I understand, I mean, you are leaving your son with me." I flash a quick smile at her. "Ok then!" She says. "Why did you choose to become a care giver at such a young age?" She lowers her voice towards the end of her sentence. I decide to give her the truth. Though I've never actually told anyone. They ask. But I just tell them I like helping people. "I watched both my Dad and my Grandpa die. It was hard. But I figured I could lie and wollow in my self pity, or I could help other people going through the same thing they did." I shrug. I want it to sound casual. But how casual is talking about your dead relatives to a stranger? She rubs my arm, like I'm her daughter, or younger sister. She seems like she could put aside her problems, or maybe she already has. I dont know. I dont know a lot these days. I dont know her, but shes nice. I dont know Brian, but he looks like her. I dont know Colin, but he's a good kid. I dont know my little sister, but I miss her. I dont know. I dont know. It rings over and over and over in my head. I want all of this to stop. I want everything to go black so I can curl up and forget everything. I want it to stop. How? How can it stop, when its real? "I know how youre feeling." Emma says. How? How could anyone know what I'm thinking, when we're all so different? Maybe we aren't different at all. Beating heart. Breathing lungs. Blinking eyes. Its all the same. Or is it? I'm questioning everything I know. Why? Because I'm not sure anyone knows for sure. Maybe they do. Right now, I vow to never think anything is certain. Even if I want to. "You do?" I ask. I'm still staring at the grass. I didnt even realize. But I dont look at something else. Maybe I'm being rude. "Yes. I went through the same thing when I lost my baby. I wanted to give up on everything. And everyone. I just wanted to curl up in a ditch and think of nothing. But I finally realized that there is so much around me. Everything is so much more then meets the eye." She looks around at the trees, the cars, and the children playing. Then I realize, the trees look like theyre swaying in the wind. But they're producing oxygen, they're housing insects amd lives smaller then we can see. The cars look like theyre driving themselves. There is someone inside, giving instructions to an engine that moves everything else. The children look like they're just sliding down slides. But theyre pretending to be superheroes, gliding through the sky like birds. How could I be so narrow-minded? There is too much worth remembering to just give up. I was focusing on the negative. When there is way more positive I could have been thinking of. "Yeah, sometimes I forget that." I say. "Not just you, I think everyone forgets it occasionally. Nothing to worry about, just something to be aware of." She reaches down and puts the journal back onto her purse, which just slid off. "Can I ask you something?" I ask. "You just did, didnt you?" She says smiling. I smile back. Like I'm with an old best friend. I feel comfortable enough to go ahead and ask. "Whos journal is that?" I ask pointing at the old book. The thread is fraying at the spine. It still smells like leather. Like its been in a box for years. "Its my moms. I found it a few years after she died. But I just now got the guts to read it. Im glad I did. I'm learning alot from my 14 year old mom." She looks at me quizingly. I feel like she is going to ask me something I wont know how to answer. "How is your relationship with your mom?" I knew it. I frickin foretold that! "Well, I mean. Its good, I guess." I feel like an idiot. I love my mom. But is that enough? I dont know. When I listen to music, they say love is the most powerful thing ever. But is love alone enough? It doesnt seem like it, but then again, what more could you give? I don't know. "I guess it isnt perfect. But I love her. Is love enough?" I ask. She seems wise and honest, I'm quickly comfortable around her. Even more then with Dolores. But Dolores seems always pre-occupied with her own thoughts, Emma isn't. I dont know how she does it. "Well, the feeling of love is enough, but just saying 'I love you' is not enough. You have to show that someone what they mean. You cant just tell them. They have to feel it. It sounds cliche. And probably overused, but its overused because its true. Why would anyone say it over and over if it isnt true? They wouldn't. Or theyre just good at acting." She says. Yes, very wise. But why use the word acting? Instead of lying? "Isnt acting and lying the same thing?" I ask. "No, not necessarily. Lying is making something up, just to see how it works. Acting is believing that something is false, but somewhere in them, they might just believe that its true, or vice-versa, depending on how you look at it." That answer is satisfying enough. But I have one more that is buzzing in the back of my head. "Do you believe that everyone is unique? Or that we are all the same?" I ask. I should be asking these questions to my mom, but I'm not. "Well, what I believe is very complex. Yes, I believe we are all unique. But I also believe we are connected by some invisible line. The same line that allows us to feel someone staring at us from yards away." She says. I wonder what school she went to that teaches this stuff. Or did she learn it on her own. "Where did you learn all this stuff?" I ask, calmly, not demanding, or insistent, just curiously. "That's the thing, I dont know any of this for sure, but its things I've thought about while sitting in silence." She looks at me quizingly again. "Do you listen to music, Selina?" She asks. Again, I'm going to answer honestly, I feel like I'm getting an honest overdose. This is the most honest I've been in years. "Yes, like when its quiet. I dont like to be alone with my own thoughts." I lean forward and pick up the blade of grass that I was staring at previously and start folding and ripping it. "Sometimes, we can learn from our thoughts. Sometimes, its better to be in quiet. Music is great too! But sometimes, say 15 minutes a day, we should be in silence." She says. We are again deep in conversations, about beliefs, wonders, and everything between. For a minute, I forget about my griefs. But grieving is useless. What good does it do anyway? Besides allow you to feel sorry for yourself? It does nothing besides that, at least in my experience with it. It might work for other people, to maybe let go of something. But is that really grief? I dont think so. Maybe it is. Who knows for certain? How many certain things are there really? I make a mental list. God. Family. Hope. Faith. Gravity. Oxygen. ?. Thats all I can think of. Maybe Love? No. Love could be a lie. This is a list of completely certain things. Yes, I love my mom, but thats what family is. So love is not included in this list. Is that a good or a bad thing? ”“” I'm back home. Emma and I talked until sunset. I still don't know what the purpose was in her mind. But I'm glad we met. I feel like a veil has been lifted. One that was blurring my vision of the world. I dont think I should base my thoughts off of what one person says. But, its a start. I should ask what other people think of the world. I make another mental list. Mom. Dolores. Emily. Dylyla. Yes, I will ask Dylyla, I want her back home. I miss her. But I won't grieve. Its useless. Maybe I will. I'll count to 10, let the grieve come in. Then push it out. 1 2 3 Why? 4 How? 5 Why? 6 What is this pain? 7 Is it my fault? 8 Will I really see them again? 9 What if I don't? 10 I let out an internal scream. Then its gone. Its gone! I will do this every time. I feel light. Like a feather. A feather that attached to a bird. A bird that is very intelligent. A bird that is hungry, but full at the same time. That is a very conflicting idea. But it makes sense to me. And that's all that matters, right? As long as I understand what one person means, my life is not wasted. Even if that one person is myself, or Emma, or Mom, or Emily, or even a stranger on the street. Thats what I believe. Is it though? Is that what I really believe? Yes, it is. And I need to stop questioning myself so much. I need to stop a lot of things. But right now, I'm focusing on, well, focusing. I need to really look at the world. Then I will really look at myself. I will fix what I need to fix. But if its fine, why fix it? Why not improve it? Yes, that sounds good. That's what I will keep in the back of my mind. Like a sticky note on the walls of my mind, I will write it big enough to see from anywhere in my mind. I pretend I'm ripping all the other notes on the wall away. The notes that don't matter. "Grief" "Self-pitty" "Why?" I keep ripping. And I rip them all away. There are only a few left. "Famliy" "Hope" "Faith" "Learning" "Realizing" Those are the only good notes I made. I will add more to my mind-walls soon. As soon I learn more, as soon as I get my family back together, as soon as I find hope again, as soon as I find faith, as soon as I realize how amazing this world actually is. Until then, this is all that matters. I crawl into bed. I'm asleep immediately.

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theoriginalivyannazimuth · 5 years

Text

Because Reddit is having issues this is my submission to Malicious Compliance. Mostly so I can copy paste it later

Hello reddit, today I will tell you a tale of romance, betrayal, and smipublic streeking.

(WARNING THERE IS A LOT OF BACKSTORY FOR THIS SO ITS A LONG POST)

I don't go here much as I usually watch RSLASH and /Start and tend to prefer to lurk rather than post (unless its to promote my youtube) but I thought you may like to hear this, so here I go.

I don't usually put my real name online but some people may know me as LadyAzimuth (hi guys!)

I am 23 and my mother and I have always had a rocky relationship; by which I mean that she was mentally abusive to me and physically to my older sister back in the day. Now not to be rude but my mother has always had some mental problems which is why I ignored a good amount of the BS she did.

When I was young and spending the weekend at my father's i spilled some fries witch ketchup however and immediately began sobbing and apologizing for making a mess and going into full panic attack mode. My father calmed me down and asked me some questions which made me come to the realization that I was being pretty heavily abused by my mother.

Couple that with the many MANY years of physical abuse (I was bi in the late 90s and early 2000s and it wasnt legal to marry where I am until 05 so I got my ass kicked alot) and that made the perfect cocktail of dependence and silence.

My mother would constantly tell me I was being dramatic when I was heavily suicidal, dumb when it turns out i am dyslexic, and a cry baby when I would have anxiety attacks. Of course that all stopped when she got diagnosed for almost everything I have.

This may seem like useless information but I need you to understand why I act the way I am in this situation.

Now I have always been obedient. When her mother died i was in my teens and ended up having to raise my 2 younger siblings while my mom and stepfather were in a different city (will be referred to as L henceforth for privacy )

I ended up doing worse in school (I was already having issues because COULDN'T READ) and having to give up doing karate which was the closest thing to therapy I had. I had gotten a few awards for rising through the ranks quicker than others and my teacher thought I could have been a teacher in a few years time if I had continued the way that I was.

Now note, I never asked for a thank you. I believe that you should do your best to help other when they need it and it is ridiculous to demand thanks for it, but I do expect the base level of respect.

My mother only respects herself and her reputation.

I was working at a famous Canadian coffee shop (the one from the memes, you all know what one) for 2 years and I and everyone else was abused for years at it. I stayed longer than 70% of the people working there. This place was the worst. AC didn't work in the summer and it got to about 45 -50 degrees in there, of course we weren't allowed water breaks.

This place also did not want anyone to ever log their injuries. My friend logged a slip that resulted in her being in a hip brace and they cut her hours from full time to 1 4 hour shift a week for it. It was because of this and my being used to being abused that I didn't log a injury I got while trying to open a stuck fridge door.

I have bad knees so I ended up having them lock up while I tried to yank this door open underneath the deli counter causing my kneecap to pop off and my leg to collapse causing a v shape going outwards with the knee. I can't explain it well, but suffice to say, knees do NOT work that way. This is an injury that causes me pain almost every day of my life now, and because I was bullied into not recording it and it was almost 2 years ago now with everyone who was there having quit, there's nothing legally I can do.

I ended up leaving that place when an older lady who had been written up 7 times and not fired dispute almost attacking customers numerous times, screamed at a customer I was helping causing me to have a panic attack. I went to the back and was having a breakdown when she stormed in, threw the clipboard that holds the schedule at my head and punched a bookshelf beside me. I knew nothing would be done, so I left.

It was freeing for all of 5 minutes. Like a weight off my shoulders. Like when you're in a car crash and when you open your eyes, it was just a fender bender.

And then my mother demanded rent.

I had already paid my rent for the month (it was only about the 5th of April) and she was demanding next months rent "just to be sure"

Of course the next month comes around and she demands more rent, even though I paid in advance and went into debt to do it.

This was the beginning of the end.

My stepfather told her she was being ridiculous and to drop it so I could find work. And she did, for a bit. Now I currently live in K. K is a largish city that's only an hour away from Toronto on the 401 and even with the minimum wage being 14 an hour in Ontario, you still can not afford a 1 bedroom apartment in the ghetto here off 1 persons wages.

On top of that there aren't enough jobs to go around. Every single interview I've gone to has had no less than 5 other people to interview aside from me and that's on the low end.

So I've been jobless since April.

Fast forward a few months and my mother and stepfather break up. She and him had been together for 19 years and she has been cheating on him for 7 moths with her vocal instructor who is also a mutual friend of theirs.

They decide that they want to co-parent as to not disrupt the children's lives. Which would be acceptable if that was the case and not just a cover story so the kids don't worry.

The truth is, my mother sold her share of her company because she (like a whiny child) couldn't get along with her.

I mean admittedly she is a plastic prep who never grew out of it but I digress...

So she sold her part of the company and is taking payments of about 1000 a week for 2 years I think?

Rather than putting this towards the rent, shes been spending money like it's going out of style.

Since then she has bought a grand fucking piano which she's still making payments on, a whole ass horse and is paying for monthly board for her. She eats out nearly every single day and drives across cities numerous times a day in her giant gas guzzling ford truck.

To top it off, she attempted to ride said horse before properly rehabilitating it (it had been neglected and underfed so she was antsy and none of the saddles fit correctly) so it threw her.

Kali, I love you, you beautiful mare you, but you sent my mother to destination fucked, and I don't appreciate it.

She landed on her ankle, shattered it, nearly twisted it off completely and broke the leg bone clean in half. She nearly lost the leg due to infection and 15 months later we are still looking at about 10 more months of recovery if all go's well.

Now just because we live in Canada, doesn't mean this is a cheap endeavor. In fact my step father had to double his workload in the business he owned to make up for it, and the household is still having some issues (I'm not saying we are broke, because the lights are on and everyone is comfortable but we have to live by the dollar at this point.)

So money has been coming up a lot recently and has been another way to demean me and manipulate me and make me feel like trash.

The money is the reason why she want's to co-parent, because otherwise she most likely would not be able to support herself with how shes hemorrhaging money and cant work. (Physically she can, she just would prefer not to and to go out every day and night to party and bang her boyfriend. Did I mention she still hasn't legally divorced my father and still has his last name?

So a week to the day that they made the separation announcement, she gets my stepfather to tell me for her that I have to leave.

Because she wan'ts somewhere to sleep that isn't the couch.

And to "help me out" I could sleep on the couch until I find a place and maybe my family from L can help.

My family who most live off of welfare and minimum wage jobs in the shit end of town.

She didn't tell me when I was to leave, despite me asking her, I assume it was because I can be pretty scary when I am angry and screaming, I'll admit. I learned from my stepfather that I had to be out within the week.

I have to leave, with less than no money because my mother cheated on my stepfather.

Some people wounder what they are worth, money wise. I found out I am worth 500 CAD and some middle aged balding white man dick. How lovely.

So of course I have a total melt down. My friend took me in for a few days because I was on the edge of suicide and still am and couldn't be in the house anymore.

So I've contacted my family in L and am making arrangements to leave and its been a week to the day. Things are slow going as I find someone who can host me on their couch until I get on my feet so I'm on borrowed time.

I got frustrated as since then my mother hasn't said a word to me and has pretended I don't exist so I asked her what the hell she expected from me and how she could act like this.

I got this response. "Just take your shit and go"

OK.

I have a large room, most of the rooms in this house are large so its quite a bit to pack but I've got it more or less.

(Pic here The Packed Room )

In said room I have a lovely wooden bedroom set given to me from my grandmother before she died, as it was in the bedroom I always stayed in when I was at her house. There's a bedside table, bed with a nice head board and a large vanity with a huge mirror.

I never had anything as nice as that before grandmother so I made sure years ago with my stepfather that when I move, its going with me.

On top of that, i have a large old desk that used to be in the office before my stepfather upgraded, a TV which was gifted to me, 8 bookshelves that I saved from being tossed years ago, lovely purple blackout curtains with black flowers on them and a matching lamp and a leather futon couch which is actually quite classy and a PS4,3 and 2. (she occasionally games so I know she's been eyeing those)

I know my mom. I know she wants everything inside of here and will fight tooth and nail for it. But not only is everything in here mine and the accumulation of years, I have my stepfathers permission to take everything, because it is mine.

Take my shit and go? Ok. I will. My friend's grandfather is offering to store my stuff in his empty rooms because he is the kindest old veteran you'll ever meet. I'm taking EVERYTHING.

NOTHING will be left behind.

I hope she enjoys sleeping on the floor because I know for fact we don't have a spare bed.

And as I'm just taking my shit and going, Ill make sure to not tell her about how the very large window super heats the room in the summer at 3 in the afternoon and is almost as cold as the outside is in winter because it was never properly installed. I'll also neglect to tell her where the window leaks when it rains to put down towels so mold dosn't start growing. I'll neglect to tell her about how the wifi doesn't reach up here most of the time so she will have to wonder if her tech is broken.

Unrelated but she REALLY cares about what other people think and that's why I had the thick curtains.

The week is up in a few minutes so I took down MY curtains. Because I'm just taking my stuff and going right?

So I hope out neighbors don't see my chubby while butt undressing to sleep. I used to sleep naked.

I think I'll do that tonight.

TL;DR:

Mom gave the sacred succ to a person she shouldn't have, kicked me out with no warning, so now her one legged ass will be sleeping on the floor of the fancy room she traded me for and will have to answer questions to the whole cul du sac of middle aged upper middle class stuck up moms that she runs the community facebook page for about why her daughter was giving the neighborhood a strip show.

Also she may freeze / sweat to death before she figures out the window is fucked.

Will update once I'm gone about her reaction. Thanks for reading and remember:

Some times you just gatta do what you're told lol.

#Malicious Compliance

0 notes

fancycollectionfury-blog1 · 6 years

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Toledo Iowa Cheap car insurance quotes zip 52342

"Toledo Iowa Cheap car insurance quotes zip 52342

Toledo Iowa Cheap car insurance quotes zip 52342

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I need an appt. for an exam and maybe a couple of cavities that can be done before December. anyone know any affordable dentists that can do that in the month of November without insurance?

Can I still be on my parents car insurance if I live in another state?

I'm currently living in New York and planning to get a condo in Georgia for college. Once I move and have MY OWN address (the condo would be permanent) and a resident of Georgia, am I still able to be on my parents insurance if my parents own the car. I believe that if you live in the dorms you can still be on their insurance but we need to purchase a property because in-state tuition is far cheaper than out of state tuition.""

What is the cheapest car insurance for a young driver?

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Changing motorcycles and insurance question?

Long story short I have got a new bike. The bike I am Insured on has about 2 months left before I gather another year no claims. However, I was wondering would/do Insurance companies offer a way for me to transfer the next/last 2 months to my new bike (At a possible cost) then charge me a full year when its due (In 2 months) Any help will be appreciated. I don't want to phone my insurance up cause every time I phone someone like that and tell them I have a new bike I want to insure they go crazy and keep phoning me! I have 1 years NCB and i'll be 18 in 2 months (when I will get 2 year NCB) Cheers Geoff""

What do liquor liability insurance papers look like?

Like if you need to confirm that you have it, what do you show people?""

Best car insurance deals uk for young drivers?

Hi there i am male , 18 years old wanting to learn to drive. My mother has a small daewoo matiz which is only a 900 and something cc, so not even a one litre, but a car which would be cheaper on insurance then a lot of cars. Im just wondering if anyone knew any good companies offering good prices for insurance either as a seperate insurance of my own or a one for my parent with me being a additional driver. Thanks""

What car insurance coverage do you really need?

Do I have to pay higher car insurance if I buy a second car?

I have a Chevy Cobalt and have insurance for it. If I want to buy a used truck also so I have two vehicles, do I have to pay higher car insurance costs? Do I need to get a second policy for the truck?""

How much is product liability insurance?

Its for my online womens shoe store. Also what other type of insurance would I need? Thanks

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So my daughters father put our daughter on his insurance .. Which when she was born I put her on Medicaid now her insurance is all messed up because the fact that he did that. child support sent him a court oder for them to actually get everything fixed. Which he saying he doesn't know why child support sending him that..? has anyone gone threw this. Im confused.

""Insurance renewal, same company, new quote?""

Hi, my car insurance has just come up for renewal and my insurers sent me a renewal quote, 704. Now if I get a fresh quote from their website (all the same terms, car is unmodified, 3 points on my licence, etc), the quote is 520! If i take the 520 offer, are they going to complain? They want proof of my no claims, and I'll send them their own renewal document!!!""

How to get car insurance / insured for a 17 year old driver 1.0l car HELP!! PLEASE 3000- price quote?

hi guys, i really need some help with this one: i passed my driving test last week and need to get insurance for my 1.0 l VW LUPO i have been on GOCOMPARE, COMPARE THE MARKET, MONEY SUPERMARKET, QUINN DIRECT ETC but the least i have been quoted is 7500!! how ridiculous PLEASE CAN YOU HELP!! I NEED INSURANCE THAT WILL BE 3000 OR LESS so if any one can help please do please dont post about how you got cheap car insurance 3 years ago because it is not helpful, times have changed as my brother got insurance on a 1.4 focus for 1600!! PLEASE HELP GUYS IM DESPARATED""

Does anyone know a good AFFORDABLE car insurance provider for someone with a DUI/accident?

I'm in New Jersey if that matters.. thanks!

Teenager car insurance?

Hi there. I have heard that there are special companies out there that deal specifically with teenage car insurance. I am 17, own my own car, and will have a stand-alone policy. Does anyone know names of these companies? I live in Ontario, Canada. So far, the cheapest company I found was Bel-Air Direct, with an annual premium of $3100 CAD. Thanks people!!""

Insurances for starting a small business?

What are all the difference insurances for starting up a business? Please include a source or proof of your numbers

Car Insurance discrimination?

I was filling out a car insurance quote form online , I put my mother as the main driver and me as additional but accidentally put me as a spouse , the quote came back as 400 pounds. As i reviewed the quote i notice my mistake and changed it to Other ( Spouse , Partner , Other only listed ) and then my quote came back as 2000 pounds. I am 18 years old and getting car insurance is hard but my question is how does being married make me a safer driver and is it possible to take insurance companies to court because of there overlooked age discrimination""

Classic car insurance?

I am looking at buying a classic car but i don't know where is best for classic car insurance.

Best cheap insurance for dental?

i am looking for a good insurance for dental what would you ppl recommand

Toledo Iowa Cheap car insurance quotes zip 52342

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/best-car-cheap-insurance-young-drivers-2013-hailey-macdonald/"

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What is the absolute best, maximum protection motorcycle insurance for me? 20/F 1st time rider.?

"What is the absolute best, maximum protection motorcycle insurance for me? 20/F 1st time rider.?

I am willing to pay more, I just dont want to get cheap insurance that doesn't cover me. No subrogation clauses, I want to be covered as much as I possibly can. I am in TX. Is Allstate good? My car is under Allstate. I have heard Dairyland Insurance is good...anyone have experience with it? I dont have any tickets or violations on my record.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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How to get Cheap Car Insurance at 17?

Hello, I have tried everything to get chear car insurance at 17 but it seems to stay in the 2500+ Area.... How can I get it cheaper? I have had my license for a month but feel frustrated that I can't get a car because the insurance is too high!! Can anyone help?""

What's the average insurance premium for first drivers these days?

I'm 18, and im going to buy a car. It's a 2002/2003 car, so not too recent. Im looking for quotes online and the cheapest im getting is about 4500. This is me being the policy holder and not any other family members. Does this sound right? Personally i think it's outrageous... Thanks.""

Insurance?

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How much would US insurance cost?

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Car insurance?..........?

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Is there a way for me to figure out how much insurance would cost me with different cars?

I'm 16 now, and shopping around for cars. I was wondering if there is any type of tool on the internet that would allow me to see how much I would pay for insurance with different cars? Say, a Civic compared to a 3000GT/Supra or something sportier.""

Car insurance and full time employment?

After playing about on comparison websites I've noticed that with the same companies it's about 100 less if I am in full time employment compared to being a mature student with a part time job...why is this?

Cheapest car insurance for 18 year old male?

I drive a 1976 Datsun 240z, and I absolutely love it. I had an engine swap (4 cyl turbo) and some aesthetic modifications, and the car is in fantastic shape. Total worth is about $2000. I am 18 years old, living on away from home. I've had my license for less than a year, and have not had any accidents/altercations. I've called Geico, Progressive, Statefarm, etc, and they've all come back with 6 month policies ranging from $4500-$5800. I'm going to pay double, let alone triple, my car's total value for 6 months of insurance. That is ridiculous. I've looked online, and they tell me that Florida's minimum requirement is $10000 of PDL and PIP. What does it mean? Would you recommend it for me? I don't really care if my car is covered. I'll pay for that. I just don't wanna be stuck with a retiree's BMW repair bill or medical bill. Thanks Luke""

Why is Progressive Auto Insurance so cheap compared to other companies?

I was paying $92/mo w/ State Farm American Family quoted me $112/mo Progressive is $58/mo. (I'm comparing straight down the $25,000/$50,000 and they are the same.) Is there something i should be concerned about? Thank you!""

Has Tort reform had a beneficial impact on Health Insurance rates in California.?

California has had Tort reform in medical malpractice for 30 years. Has this kept Health Insurance affordable in California? Ask the parents ofNataline Sarkisyan how they feel about tort reform. Rather than pay for an expensive transplant and a lifetime of expensive care, her insurer simply denied the claim knowing they most her parents could get in punitive damages was $250,000. Seems to me that tort reform is another name for death panels!!!""

Insurance for Spanish registered car?

I live and work in the uk, but I have a car in the canary islands spain, I only return to the ca66naries about 6 times a year for a week at a time, does anyone know of an insurance company that can cover my car insurance for only 1 week at a time when I need it. The car is locked in my underground garage when not in use. I do not see the point in paying for a yearly insurance for a car that is only used for max of 6 weeks in the year. Its a Spanish plated car reg number""

How much is car insurance?

for 17-25 yr olds ... approx..

What is the absolute best, maximum protection motorcycle insurance for me? 20/F 1st time rider.?

A good individual dental insurance plan?

I don't have dental insurance, and my employer doesn't offer any. I seriously need to see a dentist, I haven't been to one since I last had insurance 4 years ago. But I can't afford much right now either. I need a plan that will cover preventive treatment, doesn't have much of a waiting period, and will cover at least some of any major work, because i think I might need some. By the way, I live in central PA.""

How much can I expect from an insurance settlement for a minor injury/no fault car accident- car was totaled?

Can I drop motorcycle insurance for the winter then pick it up in the spring?

I'm 17 and am looking for a motorcycle. My mom called our insurance company (Nationwide) and had a quote prepared and they said it would be an extra $70 a month. Seeing as how it gets cold here in Ohio i don't really want to ride a bike in the wintertime. Would it be possible to drop the motorcycle part of the insurance during the wintertime and then pick it up in the springtime when I start riding again? I'll also be turning 18 in February so I think the rates would go down.

""Medi-cal, California insurance?""

I'm getting a procedure done covered by medi-cal. I'm married, unemployed, and at the time of the service i need to bring i.d. and proof of income to be eligible.. Well i would have to use my husband's proof of income, his check stub. Can i just present them the proof of income myself, even tho it's my husband's? Or does he have to be present at the time? I'm not sure, because i think he needs to work that day..""

How can I claim Health Insurance from two different providers for the same incident?

Basically if I have two health insurance policies from two different Health Insurance providers, what is the process to claim?""

What option should I choose for my car insurance?

I did a little test to check quotes when it came to auto insurance through Progressive. I found that I would pay less a month for choosing the option that I have had insurance for the past five years, but when I choose I haven't had insurance it charges me more per month. I technically have not had insurance before. My last vehicle was on my brothers insurance policy and I was listed as an Additional driver. So should I choose that I haven't been insured? I obviously wouldn't drive without insurance, even though I do live in a state that does not require it - but I don't want to give the notion that I have been either. There's not an option for new drivers who just didn't have insurance because they never had a vehicle before. So I am totally confused as to what option I should choose. Thanks!""

Is health insurance worth the money?

I have been with Bupa health insurance for years but have never used them. I'm 21, Do you think I'm to young to need insurance as I will most likely not need any untill I'm in my 40s. Is it a wast of money? Its only 52 a month so not to expensive but I suppose I could spend the money on things I enjoy. What do you think.""

Do I have to use my insurance check to fix my car?

someone hit my car and I received a payment from their insurance. Do I have to get my car fixed or not. It's not major damage it's just a broken light and some scratches and they wanted to charge me like a thousand.

Can I sell my own shipping insurance?

I sell products online that I make myself. So in the past it has been a pain for customers to deal with the postal service in case of damaged in shipping. So instead I would like to just offer my own shipping insurance. Then customers can deal directly with me and everything will me a lot faster and smoother. Is this legal since I am not a real insurance company? If it's not legal how do I have to word it so I can charge like $5 and handle shipping damage myself?

Health insurance question?

ok i'm a international student and i just found out that i got a cervical cancer or abnormal cell growth, and i don't have a health insurance and i don't know how to pay for it? if i get a health insurance would it cover it?""

""What company can I use to purchase private dental insurance in Seattle, WA?""

which dental company can I use to purchase affordable dental care privately, not through an employee? For anyone age 18 and over and would cover basic dental visits and surgery such ...show more""

I have AAA auto insurance and had minor 1st at fault accident. Will my rates go up?

I rear ended someone this weekend. Just a minor fender bender. My first ever accident!! UGH! Both cars with minor damage. There are a few scratches on their car. I have liability insurance through AAA, I've had my US license for a year and a half and am f/29yrs old. Have had a UK license for 10 yrs. What are the chances my rates will go up? I am insured on my husbands insurance and we have 2 cars so will insurance go up for both? I just want to hear people who might've been in the same kind of circumstances and if their rates went up and by how much! Thanks!""

How much would insurance cost for a 98' 4x4 Z71 Extended Cab.?

I am 15. Been driving since like December. No tickets or wrecks. I have a 01' Silverado Extended Cab 2wd would it cost the same? Also we have safeway. I am on libiaty or w/e it is.

Car Insurance??

Does anyone know of any car insurers who will insure me on a car that I do not own? Basically it will be a lease car through a car hire company and I am required to arrange my own insurance

Rental car insurance?

Say someone is coming to US from India and wants to rent a vehicle for first two weeks. Obviously he doesn't have any auto insurance ( he doesn't have an auto at all). If he wants to decline the costly insurance coverage provided by the rental companies, what are the other options for him to get liability and collision coverage for the rental vehicle for first two weeks ? If he would have already had an auto and auto insurance it would have covered his rental car too with the same coverage for around 2 dollar a day. Where as without this the cost is around 20-30 dollar a day. Just having an auto(even if it's a 500 dollar junk one) and insurance for that makes such a difference. Is it possible to get similar coverage in such low prices ?""

Does any body know car insurance company that will insure left hand drive in the UK?

I have try search om google and phoning car insurance company's and no luck so far(5hours looking and phone some company's up). Car info Ford F150, 3.6L and maybe Honda civic 1.8.If u know any company's that worth trying please leave the name and contact number. your help will be great full. (first person that find the company that will insure theses cars will be best choose answers, I will contact them and if the will u will be best answer.)""

How can i get insurance for my kid in nj from the state?

I cant afford insurance for my kid can i get it threw nj from the state

""Is there nay car insurance companies cheaper than elephant, bell & admiral ?""

Im a 24 year old male looking for cheap car insurance quotes, all of them seem to be quite a bit over 1000 and even 2000 - 3000 and thats when i checked money supermarket and compare the market but with elephant,bell and admiral my best quotes seem to be around 800 is there any other cheap car insaurance companies anyone can reccommend i try ?""

When will we be required to have health insurance?

When will government make us buy insurance?

Car insurance question?

I have been driving my boyfriend car to get to work and school and what not. His car is insured, but my name is not on the insurance. What would happen if i got pulled over and the cop saw my name was not on the insurance?""

""Where are some companies in Memphis,Tn I can find cheap auto insurance?""

Where are some companies in Memphis,Tn I can find cheap auto insurance?""

What is the cheapest legal way to insure 2 cars - 1 with just me with full ncb the other with me and my son?

My son is 22 and wants to insure a vehicle, but finds it very expensive. What is the cheapest LEGAL way for me to help him. I have full ncb on my own car.""

Need to start paying for own insurance. help?

So, im 19 almost 20 and im going to be graduating from college this semester, so naturally i have loans that will be due, but i also know that i will have to start paying my own insurances and all that because my parents wont be able to claim me anymore. my question is, how much roughly (average) would it be for health, car, and possibly life insurance?monthly,yearly, however it gets paid. i dont make a whole lot of money so i would like to know about how much it will be, so can figure out if ill be able to afford it all and to make a budget. i dont get any of those benifits at work right now, but i plan to become an apprenctice electrician next fall or spring, which im sure will handle the insurance costs but untill then im some what limited with money. thanks, any and all good help is appreciated""

What happens in california if you are stopped without car insurance?

I read recently that 47 % of cited / stopped Drivers in California have NO License, NO Insurance, and NO Registration for the vehicle (of that 47 %, over 92 % were illegals). I am just wondering what the penalties are if you are caught driving without car insurance?""

Car insurance fraud am i paying too much ?

we got a new car out of the dealer and as u know it requires u to get full coverage.we went to are present insurance witch i had my 3000gt i asked if i could add the new car the guy who got us the insurance,he told us we needed to pay down payment again witch is weird when i wanted to add my 3000gt to my dads insurance they did not charge the down payment.but we also dont have licence and shes 23 and i am 25""

What is the absolute best, maximum protection motorcycle insurance for me? 20/F 1st time rider.?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/allstate-auto-insurance-jeremy-gardner/"

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bbrattypupp · 7 years

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I am living with depression

My body is an apartment I can barely afford because of its location. An entire world of possibilities accessible in some multiple of my footsteps and for some reason i cant get make if out the front door. Im staring at the splintered wood in the frame, where she slammed the door on her way out. And ignorning the leaks in the roof and how im running out of buckets. I try to remember so many people want what i have, that when I turn on the lights I become a part of a skyline people look at and envy. That living here is a privellage no matter how much it looks like these walls are about to crumble. I pay my rent in late night laughter with my friends and loved ones, purple pink sunrises on the drive home, laced fingers that feel so tight to become undone. But the price of existence becomes higher and higher with each passing year. With every lost friend, every tear shed, every fight i could not make amends, every story i started to write where i couldnt possibly imagine and end. I earn less, and less, and my rent is late until... I have recieved a letter in the mail and it says my rent has been payed. I have a roommate now, or maybe i always have. Someone who started out as a silhouette stranger. On the other end of the bedroom of my brain. I am living with depression, there is no other way to putting it. He puts my walls up and everyone else stays out. He tells me he is the only one who could stand these cramped quarters, where he seems to be spreading out more and more every passing week. Until there is nothing left that reminds me of me. I cant find any room to eat anymore, and i dont feel like collecting new memories, telling myself i only have room for the same old routine. I have a roommate, and he makes my friends feel uncomfortable. Because when hes around I keep my voice low, dont want to make him angry, dont wanna hear what hes going to say when they leave. When hes around we spend all our time together. When he's around hes the only one who has enough energy to answer my phone, so i keep it shut off, i dont want to know if people were trying to call. I try to leave. I try to find a place with different beds, different drinks, different drugs, different ANYTHING to forget that i eventually have to stumble home. Have to see him in the livingroom, have to hear his laughter keeping me up. I never want to leave my bed. He wants me to move out. I know. He wants me to vacate the walls without and bags packed. I know he wants my friends and family to forget my name and remember his. I know. I can tell my the wallpaper he peels off. By the thin, pink blueprints he draws on my skin, his plans to make new bloodlines. I know he wants me to move out. I do too. I dont know if theres a difference.

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kyskingdom · 5 years

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Harmonize. (First book I ever wrote. age 9)

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