that doctor post i just rbed is making me think abt how when i described my life-inhibiting anxiety and depression (the symptoms not the illnesses) to the doctor at my wellness check she started off by giving me breathing exercises and encouraging me to keep my physical health as good as i can i.e. sunlight and hydration and exercise. and like don’t get me wrong that IS good advice but i’ve literally been working on that for years lmao. thank god for my mom who explained that A.) i know all of this and B.) i’ve been to therapy before. thank you mom for making sure i’m not also diagnosed in my 30s :))

life update

long time coming eh? stuff has been going on since the last time, which is why i’ve been very sporadic with my blogging because lack of not only physical but mental energy. being an empathetic, emotional, bipolar person is fun (note the sarcasm). without further ado, stuff can be read under the cut.

last time i left off with not knowing what would happen after august 31st, well they prolonged my vocational rehabilitation til october 2nd - which would make it a year in the same workplace. however, my anxiety didn’t really go away because i still didn’t know what would happen or if i’d manage to increase my work hours. about 5 weeks ago a different person than my person from the spes called my ‘boss’ telling him i would need to try increasing my work hours from 4h/day to 6h/day before the meeting scheduled 3 weeks later. so that same day i went from 4h/day to 5h/day and for the rest of that week and the next it kinda worked pretty well, although i was tired as hell and barely managed to do anything after work. now, the week after that (the week prior to the meeting) i had to start trying 6h/day which did not work at all. that wednesday i broke down 3 times at work due to exhaustion and the fact that i was pretty much heading towards depression and the next day after the first breakdown of the day i told my ‘boss’ and my supervisor that it wasn’t working (i was unable to do house chores and other stuff besides work plus my work took longer to do as well - not good signs). so that same day i was told to immediately go back to 5h/day, which i did and then the meeting was the wednesday after that. during that meeting this new person from the spes informed me and my ‘boss’ and my other ‘boss’ (and ceo of the company) about this subsidiary they would get in the event that they decided to employ me and it was decided that that was what was going to happen. the ceo/my boss’ boss and i had our own meeting after in which we went over my employment (incl my pay). so basically after that day it was a done deal, even tho no contract had been signed - that happened two days later. on friday the 29th me and my boss (no apostrophe needed anymore bc he is my boss now) signed my contract and as of tuesday october 3rd i am an employee with actual pay. it feels kinda weird because i haven’t had actual employment in 4 years but i’m so freaking happy that they wanted to keep me at the company and decided to employ me and give me a pretty good pay (after living on subsistence level for so many years my new pay is a huge relief - i don’t have to struggle to pay bills&debts every month now). so happiness is a real feeling i’m having.

now on to something else that’s kept me away from regular blogging...

other than the rollercoaster described above i’ve been extremely worried and upset about my mom. my mother hasn’t been feeling too good for quite a while now, some of her problems i’ve been aware of for months, but others she's been having i didn’t know about until until a couple of weeks ago. three weeks ago she finally went to the doctor because her lymph nodes were swollen, and several places on her hands were as well plus she had pain in most of her body, her thyroid gland was swollen, as well as some other stuff. they drew her blood and stuff and sent a referral for ultrasound of the throat/thyroid gland. the next week she was back at the doctor’s office for reasons i can’t really remember atm, but i know she’d written down a list of all her problems (or symptoms) that she gave to him. and she also told him that her daughters (mostly me, seeing as we’re neighbors and i see her more frequently than my sisters do plus i’d told her that if the doctor didn’t believe her she could call me and i’d talk to him) say that this isn’t her. which is true, she’s not one to complain about her ailments or physical problems (for example, she was having intestinal problems like a decade ago and she very rarely complained about it even tho she later has said that she was in pain everyday during that time) - she’s the kind of person who goes to work even if she’s sick, so this is out of character for her. she got an appointment for the ultrasound, which was tuesday this past week. she called me once it was done and told me that it had revealed a 2cm (that’s centimeter, i have no idea what that would be in inches or whatever) large lump next to the thyroid gland. we don’t know what that lump is yet but to say that we’re not scared/worried right now would be a lie. babysis even broke down in tears when mom told her and she immediately started researching thyroid cancer, sis sent mom a flower delivery for strength (she lives several hours away by car) and is of the opinion that there’s no need to worry really until we know what it is or isn’t, my 3rd sister apparently instantly asked “so you have cancer?” and myself? well, i cried after the call and have researched both thyroid cancer as well as throat cancer and two nights ago i had an honest to god breakdown about the possibility that my mom might have cancer (oh god i really freaking hope not). BUT as i said, we don’t know what it is until they’ve done a biopsy on the lump - which is being done this coming tuesday (oct 10th). although idk how long it’ll take to analyze the sample once they’ve got it. but until then, let’s hope for the best. you’re the first i’ve told about this, i haven’t spoken to anyone else other than mom and my sisters about it and i think it’s beginning to take a toll on me.

one last thing, which is another reason i don’t come on as often/regularly as usual.. i’m feeling pretty low in general this time of year and my doctor took blood samples from me to check the lithium levels (in case we’d need to increase the dose i take every day) and vitamin d levels in my blood - apparently i’m low on vitamin d, so that’s something i’ve gotta start taking on the regular now. 

..and the world is a horrible place and it hits me hard to read about it sometimes, especially during what i’ve been telling you about above, so i tend to step away from it for the sake of my own mental health - me being depressed and unable to get out of bed would do no one any good. so sometimes self care in the form of staying away from possible news sources is something i need to do. especially now that i have the responsibility of a job, with people who depend on me to do said job.

/jen xo

ps. sometimes i’ve been online without blogging but instead liked 97.8% of my dash (my likes currently amount to 25.8k posts), so a queue will be set up sometime in the hopefully near future so there’s regular content on this blog even if i’m not here.