The New Girl

Can you do an imagine with David where the reader and him are dating and he takes her to his home town to meet his family? And his family and friends love her? Please x             

AN: I was going to write something like this but about David brining home Natalie and confessing to his parents that theyre secretly dating. Only to have his parents bring out all these childhood photos of them both and tell them they knew all along they’d get together. But his one works too. Hope you like it. 

“So I was thinking when you and Natalie go to Vernon Hills I could get someone in to clean up your floors properly. They’ve not looked the same since the ten million party.”

“You don’t have to do that.” David smiles. He’s busy editing his latest vlog before he packs for another trip back to his home town.

“It’s just since you guys won’t be here I’ll be at my own apartment. It’s the perfect time for the floors to get cleaned properly.”

“That’s true,” David nods his head before looking back at his laptop. “Or you could leave the floors and come to Vernon Hills with us.” He keeps his eyes on his laptop as he waits for you to answer.

“I… I…”

“Are you freaking out?” David asks. “I’m too afraid to look up at you and see.”

“You want me to go to Vernon Hills with you?”

“I know you’re all about keeping us a secret from viewers, but I was thinking it might be time to introduce to you to my family. I mean it’s been six months since we started dating.”

“You want me to go to Vernon Hills where your family is?” you stutter out. “Your family.”

“Yes my family,” David smiles as he finally looks at you. “And we’re the Dobrik family not the Mason family. You don’t have to look so freaked out.”

“Who says I’m freaking out?” you say as you start to pace back and forth at the bottom of David’s bed.

“I say,” David’s smile grows wider. “Y/n you know my family aren’t that bad. I’m sure they’d love to meet you. They already suspect that I’m dating someone.”

“Yeah you told me they thought it was Natalie,” you point out. At the sound of her name being mentioned Natalie pops her head around the bedroom door.

“You need me?”

“Natalie can you please explain to my wonderful girlfriend that there is nothing wrong with meeting my family?” David smiles. “I suggested she come to Vernon Hills with me and she’s freaking out.”

“Oh you’ve got to come,” Natalie gasps as she grabs your hand. “Please Y/n you have to come.”

“I’m busy this weekend,” you try and explain. “I’m getting your floors cleaned.”

“Natalie could you give us a moment?” David abandons his laptop on the bed and climbs off it.

“Just think about it,” Natalie pleads as she gives your hand one more squeeze. “If you don’t go that means it me David, Jonah and Jason. You have to come.”

You Wait until Natalie has left the room before turning back to your boyfriend. “I just…”

“Just hear me out,” David interrupts before pulling you down to sit next to him on the bed. “I think it’s time you meet my parents. And the next time your parents are in town I want to meet them too.”

“Ok hear me out. I think it’s time your floors got cleaned.”

“Y/n,” David whines. “Why are you fighting this. You know if I didn’t know any better I’d think you didn’t want to meet my parents.”

“That might be because I don’t,” you mumble, but David catches it.

“You don’t?” he gets a hurt look on his face and you instantly regret saying anything.

“Please don’t think that this has anything to do with us,” you quickly say. “I just…I’m scared that this next step might spoil things for us.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well the last time you took a girl home… the only time you’ve took a girl home it was Liza,” you explain. You keep your eyes focused on your hands sitting in your lap. “And we all know how much your parents loved Liza. I just don’t know how well our relationship would hold up to something like that so soon.”

“You think my parents would compare you to Liza?” David asks confused.

“David they sent her a Christmas present this year,” you point out.

“Because they don’t know you exist. If they knew you were my girlfriend and not just some girl they see here and there in the vlogs they would have sent you one too.”

“It’s not really about the gift,” you sigh. “I just don’t… look it doesn’t matter. Cant you just accept that it might be too soon?”

“You just don’t what?” David frowns. He grabs hold of your hand forcing you to look at him. “Tell me what you’re thinking Y/n.”

“I don’t want you to start looking at me the way your parents would,” you explain but it only confuses your boyfriend more. “You want to know why I love hanging out with Natalie and Jeff the most?”

“Because they have a dislike for Jonah just as much as you do?”

“Because they weren’t around when you and liza were together,” you explain. “They didn’t get to see the greatest love story ever like everyone else did. I know everyone doesn’t mean to, but they really do rub it in my nose sometimes. There’s isn’t a week that goes by where one of them doesn’t remind me of how great you and Liza were together. Sometimes they make me feel like I’m the rebound girl and when Liza is over whatever this thing is she’s going though, she’s going to come and want you back.”

“Do I make you feel like that?”

“You did at the start,” you nod. “At the start I thought I was the rebound girl, but the past few months have been good.”

“You didn’t think I was serious at the start?” David looks at your hurt.

“Do you remember the second time I hung out with everyone?” you ask causing David to nod his head. “We went to that snapchat party and half way through the night Liza showed up and everyone practically ran towards her to hug her… including you. Only me and Natalie stayed seated. At the end of that night I went to climb into the front of the car where I had been sitting on the way to the party and you told me to ride with Natalie in her car because you wanted to film something. When I got into Natalie’s car I could see Liza climbing into the front seat of yours. That night I thought maybe I was the rebound girl, and that if Liza would have asked you back that night, you and I would have finished.”

“But it was just for a bit,” David frowns. “I told you to go with Natalie because you two were still uncomfortable in front of the camera. I just didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Y/n I really didn’t know you were feeling this way.” He shakes his head and sighs.

“I don’t feel that way now,” you say reassuringly. “You have proven time and time again that this relationship is just as important to you as it is to me. Maybe that’s what you’re doing right now. Proving that I’m important to you by introducing me to your family.”

“Does that mean you’re coming?” he asks with a wide smile.

“Just don’t be too shocked if your family all hate me,” you answer as he pulls you into his arms.

  ………………………….

  You had forced Natalie to promise you if everything went wrong at David’s parents house she would let you stay at her family home. It was either that or sharing a hotel room with Jason and Jonah, and that was never going to be an option.

You had seen so many of David’s Vernon Hill vlogs that when you sat in the back of the cab driving from the airport to David’s parents house you felt like you had been there before.

“And there’s…”

“Don’t tell me,” you interrupt your boyfriend. “That’s the lake you used to run to late at night when you couldn’t sleep.”

“How did you know that?” he asks surprised.

“You only have so many stories,” you smile as he playful nudges you with his elbow.

“Well we’re pulling into my street,” he sighs. “My house is the last on the corner.”

You feel all the nerves that had been sitting at the bottom of your stomach bubbling up as the cab pulled to a stop. “What did your parents say when you told them you were bringing me?”

“What did they say?” he frowns at you. “What do you mean?”

“David you did tell your parents you were bringing me, didn’t you?”

“Was I supposed to?”

“Oh my god.”

“Al right let not freak out,” David says as he pays the cab driver and climbs out to get your bags from the trunk. “They’ll be cool.”

“oh my god someone’s looking out of the window,” you hiss as you turn your back to the house.

“That someone would be my mother,” David nods. “The kids will be at school and my Dad will be at work. That’s why I picked this time for us to come. A few quiet hours with my Mom is all you need.”

“Is she the nice one?”

“She’s coming towards us,” David whispers before turning his attention behind you. “Hi Mom.”

You turn slowly and find David’s Mom standing right behind you. “Hi,” you say softly.

“David,” she smiles. “I didn’t know you were bringing someone.” She pulled her son in for a hug before turning her attention towards you. “You’re Y/n right?”

You look up at your boyfriend shocked. “I…”

“She watches every vlog,” David pointed out. “Yes Mom this is Y/n.”

“Actually I know you from the mukbangs you do with Josh,” David mom explains. “It’s nice to meet you Y/N. why don’t we go into the kitchen while David takes the bags in. I assume you’re spending the night here?”

“If that’s okay with you,” you nod nervously as David’s Mom guides you into the house.

  ……………………………….

 Your time with David’s Mom is very pleasant. She asks you the usual getting to know you questions, but nothing about you and David. Once three thirty hits the house is filled with the rest of the family. David’s siblings all fuss around you for a little while until their mother sends them to their rooms to do homework. That’s when you’re left alone in the kitchen with David and his parents.

“So,” Davids Dad begins. “Is this a Natalie thing or is it something else?” he pointed his finger between you and David causing  your boyfriend to laugh.

“It’s a something else,” he looks at your confused face before explaining. “Dad’s asking if our relationship is like the one I have with Natalie or is it less friendly.”

“Oh,” you nod your head but don’t say anything else.

“Y/n is my girlfriend,” David explains as he slips his hand over yours as it sat on the table.

Before anyone can say anything else, David’s younger brother Toby calls from the top of the stairs. “I need help with my words.”

“David go help your little brother with his home work,” David’s Mom says, causing you to grip your boyfriends hand tighter.

“Y/n do you want to come…”

“Y/n can stay here,” David’s dad says. “I’m sure she doesn’t want to watch an eight year old do his homework.”

David slips his hand from yours before leaning in and kissing your cheek. “I wont be long.”

You feel the air leave the room along with your boyfriend as his parents sit across from you not saying anything. You know this is it. This is the moment they tell you you aren’t good enough for their son. Everything is quiet until they hear David get to the top of the stairs. It’s David’s Dad that speaks first.

“So you and David?”

“Yes,” you nod. “I…”

“Were you two dating when you did that pasta mukbang with Josh?” David’s mom interrupts.

You’re confused for a few seconds before you nod your head. “We started dating around Halloween time.”

“Makes sense,” David’s dad says, giving his wife an knowing look.

“Fine you were right,” Mrs Dobrik sighs before smiling at you.  “My husband has been saying for a while now that David seems different. He’s… happier.”

“Lighter,” Mr Dobrik nods in agreement.

“I was convinced that the whole Liza thing was finally behind him,” Mrs Dobrik explains. When you hear Liza’s name being mentioned you feel yourself flinch.

“Not a fan?” Mr Dobrik asks.

“Liza’s wonderful,” you add quickly. “I mean we don’t really hang out, but from what I’ve heard.”

“She was,” Mrs Dobrik nods. “Until she wasn’t.”

“Carful,” Mr Dobrik warns his wife.

“I’m just saying she strung him along for a long time,” Mrs Dobrik explains. “I mean he was obsessed with her, she continues.”

“Not that he’s not with you,” Mr Dobrik adds quickly.

“Of course,” Mrs Dobrik smiles. “But she wasn’t obsessed back.” She adds. “It was a one sided relationship.”

“Not like he has with you,” Mr Dobrik says looking across the table at you.

“How do you know our relationship?” you ask confused. “You’ve only just met me.”

Mr Dobrik shares a smile with his wife before looking back at you. “I told David’s Mom after we watched that pasta video that you two were dating.”

“It’s so clear now that you think about it,” Mrs Dobrik says rolling her eyes.

“I don’t understand,” you say looking at both parents.

“He was like a little puppy dog in that video,” Mrs Dobrik says. “Everything you said was the funniest thing ever. And he kept staring at you when you weren’t looking at him.”

“And then there was that little moment when the pasta sauce was all over his lips and you went to wipe it off but stopped yourself,” Mr Dobrik added. “Your face got so red after that.”

“Yeah it was total flirting,” Mrs Dobrik nodded. “And last week when I was facetiming him. You were behind the screen weren’t you? Because at one point you walked around the sofa and behind him and his neck nearly snapped following you.”

You sit there in silence as his parents list off little moments of you two being in love from the vlogs. It’s only when David joins you back at the table do you shake yourself from your stunned silence.

“Well?” David asks taking your hand in his again. “What did I miss?”

“Well you and your Dad were about to go grab us all pizza while me and Y/n stay here and she tells me how you two met,” Mrs Dobrik answers.

“We are?” David and his Dad ask at the same time.

“And stop by the ice cream place,” Mrs Dobrik answers before smiling warmly at you.

“We never get take out,” David remarks confused.

“We’re trying to impress Y/n,” David’s dad jokes as he pulls his son up from the table. “We want her to stick around.”

Davids whole face lights up as he looks at you. “See I told you, they’d like you.”

“Yeah, now I just have to impress your siblings,” you say with a sigh.

  …………………

 “You just had to go and impress them, didn’t you?” David whispers as he looks across the bed at you.

You smile down at Toby laying between you both. He had insisted on a sleepover and refused to sleep in his own bed. “I promised the girls we’d take them shopping tomorrow,” you whisper back. “I told them their big brother would be more than happy to treat them to some new clothes.”

“Of course you did,” David says shaking his head in amusement.

The Dark Night

The summer is entering its last leg, nights getting cooler as the days remain hot.  To think a year ago darkness enveloped my soul. Thoughts of hard work in ruin, flashbacks of the darkest night I can remember.  Burrowing in the furthest corner of my soul, attempts to shake off the fear of dying alone. Blurry visions of light in the distance, the smell of burnt oil as I draw every painful breath.  Knowing these could very well be the last times I ever inhale the great gift mother nature gives me to prolong life.  Was I immersed? Had I parted the sea of trees only to be hidden in the beauty of mother nature?  I couldn’t answer. Reaching for the savior of today, that LG was nowhere to be found.  Yet again reaching for another old world technology updated. Nothing. Finally my last line of defense, the fail safe that would save me from my reckoning. I reach for it as the pain shoots through my body, one button is all I have to press. Nothing. No screens lit to show me the way, no tapping on glass to call in the cavalry.  My only chance now was hope.  Hopes that the guy on the way home from the girlfriend he was sneaking to see would by chance have watched the event unfold.  Hopes that the fellow driver focused long enough between the nods of the early morning start.  Hoping he had enough coffee to be alert to what happened before him.  With the broken glass in front of me and aside me alike the early autumn breeze began to make its entrance.  Embracing me as to say just relax, this is going to take a while, like a friend wrapping their arm around your shoulder as you prepare for the big game.  Waiting… its all I could do.  Locked in like a pilot ready for take off. The instruments I use to keep myself on course, now holding me hostage like a burglar with his knife to my chest.  The shivers begin to creep in on me yet again, the cloud emitted from my every shallow breath, reminding me of the solace I once cherished in my solo adventures. Oh such a fool to take such pleasure in avoiding the personal interactions amongst the world. Simple mannerisms, everyday phrases that mean nothing is all that seems to be spouted from my mouth. Disingenuous greetings presented only in passing, as to keep everyone out.  Surely my campaign of solitude has worked as I sit here pinned to my seat without any movie playing.  No one to know where I am, my communication with any individual long rested just as the sun lay beyond the mountains. Chattering teeth remind me yet again of the cool sobering air.  Where am I?  A question I have yet to address or even acknowledge beyond my subconscious.  Wait!  I have a blanket within my arms reach, provided the space behind me is still there.  Up to this moment I had not contemplated to whether the capsule that engulfed me was even intact behind me.  Engineered with many safety apparatuses, I had not really contemplated exactly what the designers intended for a situation such as mine. What situation had I even encountered?  Did it perform to the standards in which it was regarded for?  Will I be the instance that the shortcomings of design will be inherently clear? Only one way to find out. Deep breath, lets hope I still have the ability to reach far enough back to obtain warmth.  Where am I?  Oh, good.  The key to combat my freezing body is in my hands.  Wait, why cant I remember reaching for it?  I know I was going to but how did it end up in my hands?  My nose feels like its been subjected to a freezer in the same manner to a child being punished by putting his nose in the corner.  I see light, but I cant tell who is shining it.  Is it the man made glow intended to help us safely navigate dark stretches?  Is it the natural glow that guides us through the night while the sun takes its precision guided nap?  I don’t know.  For many would say this may be the first time in my life that I didn’t have an answer, fabricated or not.  I surely had no opinion, knowing my thoughts wouldn’t matter even if I managed to muster an argument.  This wasn’t a mind to be opened, a premise to be debated.  It was a simple option between two irrelevant thoughts.  Its still too dark to clarify the extent to which I had careened from view of any passersby.  Why can’t I see through the windshield?  Am I really just having a bad dream?  I know I have on many occasions been startled awake with the thought of losing control.  Although even in my dreams I was awake for the entire ordeal.  I cant even remember how I made it to this point.  Okay, time to start retracing my steps, I need to figure out how I’ve gotten to where I am.  Deep breath.  Why can’t I breathe?  My chest feels as if I’m a child pushed up too close to the dinner table, but why?  Oh yes, my one tool usually used to navigate through the miles of asphalt jungle now pushed against my chest like an angry follower upset with me for navigating him into danger.  Where am I?  Why isn’t this blanket working?  I can’t seem to warm up.  I feel like a hot dog thrown in the microwave that hasn’t been cooked quite long enough.  What Is that sound? Why does it sound blurry? Blurry? Why is it the only adjective I can seem to use for the sound is blurry?  Focus, it doesn’t matter how to describe it, I only need to know what it is.  Rubber meeting asphalt!  Multiple points of contact from the sounds of it, there’s more than one!  Or at minimum one much like the work horse that has laid down on me, far to heavy to free myself from.  Could I be seen?  Apparently not.  Where am I?  Back to where this journey starts.  Stomach hurting, time to get up anyways, maybe using the restroom will result in relief.  Maybe if I grab a biscuit and some coffee the internal struggle of my digestive track will cease long enough to traverse the distance I still have yet to go.  I know all the points at which I can stop if not.  Either way lets get rolling.  What a quiet night it is, glorious solitude in a rare opportunity to travel without interruption. Only myself and my chariot with no obstacles to speed by, and no annoying amateurs ensconced by the dimly lit notification of social commentary to avoid.  Tranquil yet still something is amiss.  A feeling that I have not experienced since my late childhood is becoming abundantly apparent.  Again I know the locations along my route that welcome weary travelers of all sorts including myself.  I will make a quick departure from my passage if my insides dictate so.  Why am I sweating so much?  The conditioned air as well as the seemingly frigid wind passing through the open windows should be more than up to the task of cooling any toasty reactions I may be having.  However it seems to be more than that.  The churning of my midsection dictating my impending departure from my current path seemed imminent.  Ten more minutes and I will forego my own agenda to give way to my raucous insides that seem to be having a battle regardless of what insight I have to give.  Five minutes in and the battle is only seeming to intensify.  There is no reasoning and apparently no defense being waged against these attacks deep within.  Its time to pull off, my ears are ringing, my face is covered in sweat, and no matter how frigid I attempt to make it I am still roasting.  Fifty five, downshift, fifty two, illuminate my signals of distress, fifty, make my way to the edge of my current thoroughfare.  I can see the bridge, the signal of a new boundary being crossed into, a welcoming respite just beyond. Only a few hundred yards stand between seeking the solace that is becoming inherently needed.  I’m not going to make it.  I’ve been overwhelmed.  Forty Five, the only decision I have left to make, reach for those red and yellow…  Where am I?  Ah yes, I’ll open the door and make my own passage to obtain the information I’ve been seeking for the past five minutes.  Five? Or ten? Or 30? How long has it actually been?  It feels as though a very short period of time, but as I have no devices to extract that kind of illuminating evidence, I cant be entirely sure.  Where is the door handle?  Maybe its just still locked, I will just hit the button.. where is the button? These questions are becoming overwhelmingly irrelevant as I look down.  In my haste to find the door handle I stumbled upon the severity which my leg had become entangled.  Until this point it was a tribulation that went unnoticed.   Objects piercing in as to make their stake in the time line of events.  I can see the blood, I can see the wounds, but what has me perplexed given my observation to the extent of the wounds is why I couldn’t feel the pain of what I assumed should be worse than the cuts and contusions that I’ve experienced in the past.  Where am I?  Crackling of a motor cut short from performing its duties.  The pinging and ticking of metal being freed from the heat and constant friction being forced upon its walls.  The smell of oil burnt forcefully filling my olfactory system as my despair begins to intensify.  My girls streaming tears as they lay me to rest.  My son never knowing the abundance of love intended for him.  Only the secondhand accounts given many years later by his sisters.  Thoughts never before truly focused on.  Where am I?  Burnt oil still so very prevalent to my senses.  Is there diesel leaking as well?  Is there a flame grasping for an opportunity to grow?  The glass gone from my nearest window may as well have been a brick wall, I still could see nothing.  The windshield looking as if Charlotte had spun her web in place of the translucent shield from the elements.  What is that sound I hear?  Could it be?  Did someone actually see my descent into dark night?  If so why wouldn’t they have stopped?  Why wouldn’t this individual oversee the well being of the subject involved in the apparent observation they made?  As the sirens wailed louder I plead they are for me.  In so many instances throughout life we often hear sirens or see lights of emergency vehicles or law enforcement and cringe at the thought of being the object of their immediate attention.  It is an astounding feeling to be on the verge of breakdown at the sound of ear piercing sirens and blinding blue lights.  I see what seems to be flashlights.  Help me I yell.  Did I actually yell?  Or was that in my head?  The dire consequence of my situation still very clear, however the capacity to differentiate what was real and what my desperation hoped for eluded me.  As the officer tapped on the remaining intact glass what I questioned as an illusion is now reality.  From here the story becomes much more fragmented as I can only assume my body that I have been fighting since my awakening earlier in the morning finally took complete control.  Shrouding myself with the blanket that gave me little respite from the cold broken glass flies towards me, no longer am I by myself in my short lived prison.  I find little pleasure that my inability to find the latch to free me is affirmed by my cell mates unsuccessful attempt to locate it, however it gives me hope that I had the ability to maintain my own faculties throughout the process.  I still don’t know where I am, but there are many people here.  My temporary enclosure has now grown to three inhabitants.  Responders attempting to undue the metaphorical shackles that have kept my restless body still.  As in many situation there’s always a catch.  The one last obstacle to throw you that full count curve ball.  The obstacle in its own right as inert as the rock that stands its ground against the current of the river through the test of time.  My potential downfall as simple as a bundle of wires.  Steel, aluminum and fiberglass mangled beyond recognition yet these individually weak wires like tentacles from a movie villain have taken me hostage, undetected by all parties involved including myself.  As the equipment peels and cuts through the wreckage like a chef through a head of lettuce, the tug begins to overwhelm.  The door to freedom sheared from its frame still has one last stand.  They pull and twist and question why.  I know why.  My knee.  Its last saving grace, the final ultimatum, this fucking door is going to fight to the end.  Continue pulling and my leg is no longer viable. I know where I am.  Amidst the lights I can see, the single strands bound together as a whole, only a select few grasp to what was once a closed unblemished solid joint.  I yelp my observation, not sure if my scream was audible.  Why had I not felt this encroachment to my body? Little did I understand this adversary was the least of my concerns. Two seconds later affirmation that my pleas where understood.  One snip, one cut, like scissors to a string is all it took.  Like a mouse freed from his cage my ordeal was finally over.  Why cant I move?  I can see solid ground yet I can’t seem to reach it.  More men than I can count urging me to complete the task, yet I go nowhere.  Had I found yet another adversary in my battle?  Could It be that I am not to survive my battle?  Why the hell wont my leg move?  Why the hell can’t I jump out?  These aren’t questions that I would get answered until days later.  With some coaxing and careful maneuvering I am free.  There’s the pain I so carelessly invited into my realm.  Where am I?  Oh good I’m out, I have not succumbed to the devices seemingly stacked against me. What are they saying? Land what on the interstate? No bp?  For years of using my training on many souls, the unfortunate truth was I knew what they meant, and it wasn’t that they were out of gas.  Where am I? I cant see, everything is so blurry.  First my hearing blurry, now my vision as well, what in the hell have I done to myself.  They are carrying me, not as a fireman would from a building, but on an unforgiving backboard.  Where are they taking me?  Who is landing on the interstate? Where had I come to rest? The only thing that seemed apparent at the moment was that I had not been lost in the grasp of mother nature.  Where am I?  I don’t seem to be on the ground but there’s no way these gentlemen were continuing to hold me.  Still no bp and a weak but steady pulse… again their engines were undoubtedly still running. I know where I am but wow it’s cold, are we in the middle of a tornado?  The wind whirring I can faintly hear the sound of the prop, making that ever know whoomping sound.  Whoomp whoomp whoomp whoomp. Is that what I think it is? As I hear the turbines easing their load, it must be! Where am I? The air is no longer cold, the wind no longer assaulting my senses.  I cant move, I can’t see.  Where did my cavalry go? I’m alone yet again, trapped in what seemed to be a small box.  Focus! I can hear the turbines again, this time charging at full speed, wasting little time in fulfilling the duty forced upon them. Where am I?  Had I lost time? How much time? I must be in a hospital, I gratefully have allies now against the attack waged on my body.  Now I need to relay the sentiment to those I love, to those that employ me, to anybody that would be willing to listen.  I need to make a phone call. I need to undue my solitude and make it known I am here.  Where the hell did my phone go?  The device that controls many aspects of my life is like a new friend that steals your girl, nowhere to be found.  Who the hell can I call now? Sisters’ home number?  That got disconnected years ago….fuck. The work number? I cant remember the prefix.  One number, alone among the many names I begged my brain to remember. Ring. No answer. Hours go by. Ring. No answer.  “ Hi sir, we are here to transport you to surgery.” My last attempt. Ring. No answer.  Its almost noon, why has she still yet to answer? Time to go, time to restore what could be salvaged from the wreckage that is my body at the moment.  Count down. Ten. Nine. Eight…..

Project Conclusion

Over all I would say I have had a successful project. In the past I feel like I had been lacking in my technical execution of my shoots, even at the start of this project, I had been struggling with film, I had at least 3 hassleblad films that didn’t come out but On this last shoot, using 35 mm really aided my shooting process and over all quality of my work. I love some of the digital images but the quality of film really gave the images some naturalness and having less shots meant I had to be more selective. I can say that through this project I have really improved on my editing skills but also my ability to shoot portraits, By slowing down my process I am able to imagine what would make a good background but also how to appear non threatening to the subject, by being honest but also reading peoples body language before you ask. I am getting considerably less no’s. But I found that the most interesting people say no. There was a 80-year-old Indian woman who had old tattoos all over her body in the Hindu temple but she said no and there was a skinny Indian man in a full 3 piece suite with gold rings on all fingers with nail polish holding one of those small Nike bags. Perhaps shooting the subjects with out them knowing but it is the details in what they are wearing and how their gave makes you feel, that encapsulate the essence of someone, that is why all my portraits are consensual, it goes back to portrait paintings, almost like in the novel Dorian Grey (Oscar Wilde) when a portrait is painted with such love and realism, the subjects soul is projected onto the canvas, I believe that is one of photography’s greatest achievement, as creates of emotion and body language ques seeing a face communicates a lot of information, more so then a landscape, what is more naturalist then photography?

 I chose to shoot my own area because it felt like a lot of people where going out to other countries for their projects but I feel like there is something powerful about a photographer making a statement about where they are from and subjective experience. I looking at the project new settlers by Louise Whelan, as much as I enjoyed this project there still was bits missing. Just seeing a singular pictures of people wit no explanation or back up source next to it, takes away the journalistic aspect of photography and portraiture. Also she photographed a broad group of people at the expense of the individual. That is not to say that this doesn’t work in some cases but I think when you are giving a voice to the voice less, you might not want to catalogue them so minimal and repetitiously. That is why I included all my archival and own source materials, because a collection of pictures of people simply because they are immigrants seems too much like over                    

Exotification to me, documenting immigrants because they are immigrants reminds me of colonialist photography, in which they would document the facial structures and body types of certain regions almost creating a bird book for people of colour. I am not saying that is what Whelan did but there is an element of the white gaze. Which is why I chose to photograph places that I remember in the area of West London, but I displayed the deep rooted history of my people not only as a whole but with in the context of England, the significant struggle that has plagued Southall and still Plagues the community, In 2017 Brittan like to pride ourselves on been a forward thinking, This is simply not true, the truth is I still get targeted by white men on the street, I still have people pointing out the differences between me and them. This project was a made as a response to people who try and colour in my experience, people who assume they can relate to my experience even though my problems are far removed from their own lives. I want to educate people on one of the newest world religions Sikhism and the warrior class that still thrives in London and India the Nihang (my cousin with the sword and the subject in font of the temple). I wanted to tell the story of Sikh men and businesses in my work, which is why I focused so heavily on the Sikh community in the beginning. Also as a form of catharsis, In Bristol I miss being around other Sikh people and London, only since coming to Bristol I realised there are many people in the UK who have no idea of Sikh people let alone have meeting a brown person, being from London I never considered this, that is why I chose to represent the Sikh’s in London (west). The downfall of the Sikh empire was directly linked to the British involvement (the throne of our last ruler Ranjit Singh on display at the VA). It is interesting to see the progression from Colonies, to independence, to Indians unionising as Britons working class to the people who have been going strong ever since to the younger generation of devoted Sikhs, the only young people in the portfolio are Nihang Singhs. Although I think the project isn’t finished, there are still some gaps and types of people I want to represent but I think considering the amount of time I spent in southall I have done all right. Whelan describes new settlers as a portrait of herself in some ways, I don’t see how that is the case when she isn’t one of the immigrants who are coming into a country that is ruled by the white settlers who stole their land from the natives, I don’t see anything that is a reflection of her or that has anything to do with her in the project, all I am saying is it is easy to make comments on things that have nothing to do with you, I made it a goal to do a project that shows you what might have shaped me both geographically and politically. I included family members, I revisited places of childhood and my life before university, I discovered the history of my people and of the area it self. I reconnected with the people of Southall and Hounslow because I had been living there most of my life. I know it for all the bull shit and all the amazing people who helped me a long the way, helping each other out is something the immigrant county prides itself on. This is a project that doesn’t appeal to the white gaze which is why it can seem more radical then it is intending to be. The racist graffiti will have anyone’s stomach turn, this is what happens when you turn down all Exoticfation, you get the ugly truth. I chose to alienates some people because I am sick of people acting like we live in a country which is beyond racism, people who would rather ignore the truth, This being something that was painted near my house proves that it still happens to me, that they cant keep telling our stories for us.        

 For the exhibition I am going to do a mamiya or hassleblad shoot, this is because I am going to do a study of both of my cousins, one has old timey clothes from india (which he is keeping a surprise) it will be based on the Guru on the cover of the unbound portfolio next to a horse with the council block in the background (horse shoot of last year), this location has come to represent the England we are now in, the classical English landscape wit the tower blocks raised like boils and I will re shoot y Nihang cousin wit the antique sword. This project will be continuing for me, my next step is the youth and the vanishing bad boy/ boy racers, that the next step and interviewing IWA members. I want to make documenting the story of the Sikhs and the history around the world, will become the a main theme in my photographic career, I must deeply thank my time doing this project in uni and guidance for this revelation, this project has shown me photographers greatest ability is to bring the world to people, how would we even conceive of the north pole or the deep ocean with out photography? The photograph has always shaped our perceptions of reality outside of our current situation; I want to give people an education through visual documentations of history as it is happening.  

 I am no closer to naming this project but (Southall: a brief history of the Sikhs in multiple formats) might be it. I already saod the Silk screen like cover explains the project because it is like a ready made or Warhol’s mona lisa and the act of filtering this great piece if art through that process is a metaphor for traditional values being filtered through very industrial and a unpredictable medium which represents what happens to the immigrant, when you have been brought up that way, being in England you tend to feel like your experience is saturated with confusion when you realise what your parents taught you might not be relevant to you. But again the Image of Guru Gobind Singh Gi on this horse armed is a statement of the equipped, war ready nomad which is what a Sikh needs to be.

I wish i did a sketch book because tumblr is really dodgy and doesn't upload everything if you upload more then 10 posts, it throws things to of order and make it kind of hard to organise, it can take days to post a big and it doesn't have as much of a flow, i a going to stop mapping ideas on a web blog and start with a book. The blog starts at the bottom and this is the last post.   

Overall I think this project was a success, although I wish I had more shoots so I could have made a full book but this has set me up for after university, there are many avenues in terms of documenting and studying the Sikhs and Sikhism, this project has given me a new found passion and reason to photograph as well as rediscovering my roots, having found archive photos of Sikh saints or the years of struggle and achievement of the IWA, I have really found a calling and this project has given a much needed view of the Sikh working class in west London. The documentary on the IWA made me want to do a somewhat of a documentary with my portfolio but this is a rough skeleton of something much bigger, Its all about taking this to the next step.                                           

Memories come and go, but they never fade.

Tonight reminded me of how i should never expect overly too much from others. You are right, and i am wrong. I'm wrong because i expected what i shouldn't have. I am upset because i care about you. But i'm not really upset mainly because of you, or because of whatever. I'm upset because it reminds me of everything i did in the past, to make me the person i am today. I'm upset because life is ironic sometimes. Ever since i was a kid, i've been blessed with a loving family. But i also had to deal with seeing others suffer from a young age. My own brother, sick, others, with mental health problems and various disorders. I was exposed to seeing this side of life in others ever since young. This bitter side, that i cannot forget. I remember going overseas to treat my brother's illness, fighting with others in the playground to protect him. I saw others suffering from a young age. That made me emphathetic towards others, but bitter as well. I didn't understand why i couldn't have a normal childhood. I wasn't allowed to sniff around my brother or even chew loudly because it would set his tourette syndrome's tics off. I kept my feelings to myself since young. I was bullied for 6 years in primary school and never told my parents or anyone. I dared not because i think deep down i felt they had enough to deal with. I wanted to be a good kid, to save them problems. I love my parents, they have been great to me and we share a good relationship. But all these things that happened made me reserved and shy. I developed the habit of keeping to myself. Just to specify, i was NEVER born this way. I was actually a active and happy kid. But i learnt to keep to myself. I didn't want to trouble those i loved with any of my problems. Till this day, i still feel this way. Because of this, i started seeking love elsewhere. I looked for love in the wrong places, at the wrong age, at the wrong time. This was probably the most damaging to me in the long run. Initially, things were alright. I got hurt and would move on. But one relationship really struck me real bad. In that one relationship, I experienced what it was like to give all you can and not receive what you hope for deep down inside. It was toxic. I fell into depression because of it. We broke up 3 times and EACH time i begged to get back together because i "loved him". He made me feel like i had no dignity, no self. I was even stupidly willing to deny my own God, my religion for some guy who would never love me the way i wanted. Now i see that it was the wrong choice, wrong time. Nevertheless, it hurt. That was the relationship which killed almost all my trust in relationships. I got so depressed i tried to overdose on medication. A stupid decision, because I ended up in hospital and I insisted on leaving the hospital early because he couldn't visit me in the hospital. I couldn't walk for a week afterwards because of the overdose. I was giddy, sick and disoriented. I was not normal, basically. Eventually the relationship ended, and I ended back in hospital one more time. This time i was forced to stay in one in case i went to kill myself. Reflecting upon it, how much i hurt my family, who were with me through it all, must have been horrible. I know it sounds dramatic, but that's what i was. I just didn't know how to handle my emotions in the right way. In my defense, i was also emotionally manipulated, but i could have left the relationship earlier. While in the hospital, I cried till my eyes had scars on them. My friend even thought i put mascara, that's how shitty i looked. Knowing that i was in hospital, he never came to see me, not even once. I remember how painful it was. I was given stupid antidepressants everyday and till today I STILL CANT change my medicine habits of taking meds for small things (and its also how my IBS stomach issues started) After getting out of the hospital, i went through a time where i would date just about anyone because i was so damn desperate to forget my pain. I ended up with someone who i later realised i never even loved. I thought that being close with some one in certain ways would mean i would receive love. But later i realized this was not true. Then one day, i met my current boyfriend and the person i love. He helped me out of my depression. He was the one to give me my confidence where i had lost all of it. He did not become my confidence, but he showed me that i had many good points and was worthy of love, unlike what my previous boyfriend had showed me. He accepted my past, my hurt and the fact that i might not be able to love like i used to again. I will always be grateful and love him for that, for being there for me always during my toughest times. Our relationship has had ups and downs, but i know we love one another, no one is faultless and we both try our best to love as best as we can. Anyway back to the topic, so my bad experiences with people generally made me really wary and closed up to myself. It scares me to open up to others, because of the fear that things will turn out bad. I don't initiate friendships, for fear of being rejected. (also partly cause i got overly high expectations of people which i know is bad cause i got alot of issues myself, i am well aware) Therefore I'm generally a lonely person, i keep my issues to myself and don't open up to people just anyhow, because I can't. Unfortunately, this means when i do have the chance to have a few friendships, i put in more effort and care more (in some cases get confused and care more than i should i suppose?) Which you are right, is probably a bad thing became im too emotionally involved. Even in my current relationship, fully being vulnerable is a great challenge to me. I feel like i always have to be on my guard, for fear of getting hurt. I know it might seem silly, but its just how i feel. So when you asked me if i'll be alright, i will. But i just wanted to write down how i feel and explain why i feel this way. Things may be clear to a lot of people. But everyone is a different person, with different experiences. To be honest, i've already changed a lot these few years. But sometimes i can't help but feel lonely-depending more on a few friendships, and confusing things in process. It hasn't been easy for me these couple years too. I've lost a lot that mattered to me, including my health and it has taken alot to get my life back together (2 years, to be exact). I'm not writing this in hope of pity from anyone, but simply for understanding. Some things aren't so black and white, and cannot be easily determined. I know i was wrong in getting confused and expecting more than I should've, honestly, but i also felt i needed to say why i am this way. ( its definitely not towards all my friends ) so i cannot explain fully why either, but i hope some part of what i said at least explains part of me or why i behave the way i do. I can't explain everything, but i just felt i needed to write down how i feel. These thoughts have been stuck inside my heart for years and honestly either than my bf and two other close friends no one even knows. One of the reasons i've returned to Church is because i've finally realised we can only place our full hope in God, and trust him in all difficulties. I hope that no matter what happens, he will be with me, to guide, comfort, love me. Alright so that's the end of that. Just needed to get this off my chest. I've been holding it in long enough anyway😅 And really, I have no hard feelings towards anyone. It is just a reflection of me and a chance for me to say how i feel and why.