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caesthetix · 3 years

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SAY A LITTLE PRAYER — Pt. 1 Blind Belief

↪Eren Yeager mini-series

↪content; major character death, canon universe, heavy angst, established relationship, spoiler for season 4

Tick tock. Tick tock.

Usually, if you and the rest of your friends were together, the room would never be this quiet. The second you guys walked into a private space together, someone would let out a joke or harmless snide, followed by laughter and a half-assed reply.

But not now, not when someone was missing from this circle of friendship.

Everything was still so vivid in your mind, in all of your minds. How you cheered after the attack in Marley could be considered a success, your arms wrapped around Sasha and teased her that she would be back to eat Niccolo's food — and then seeing him again, now with brown hair reaching his shoulders and a thin facial hair adorning his face.

There was an urge to tackle him with affection, you even let out a sob the second you laid your eyes on him in Marley. Though Jean assured you that there would be time for that. And with how your lover had his hands restrained within handcuffs and chains, you knew that now was not even the right time.

Those emerald eyes darkened when they fell on you, as if he was so disgusted by your mere presence. The excitement and longing that you felt was gone in an instant as you tensed up from his cold upbringing.

He was not hostile to anyone, anyone else but you.

With a heavy heart, you decided to just get back to the rest of your friends, letting Armin and Mikasa handle whatever would happen next. You could feel his emerald eyes weighing your body for every footstep that you took. But you never turned your face to him, afraid to see such emotion twirled inside his orbs.

What happened next felt like time passed in slow motion.

You closed the metal door, leaning your back as you took a deep breath. Connie was waving his hand toward you, laughter and cheers filled the room, and you could not help but smile, letting the joy of winning this attack seep into your heart instead of swallowing in worry of why your lover looked at you like that.

And then you saw it, little hands crawling up inside the airship. You saw it, when two familiar kids that you knew as warrior candidates infiltrated the place you were in. And you saw it too — the long rifle on her tiny hands, one eye closed as she aimed it at anyone, would be good if it was an important person.

You could not process what happened next after that.

Your feet brought you fast to your friends, ignoring how some of the soldiers looked at you with a question mark on top of their heads. You could not breathe, you were almost there, you just needed to push them all away and they would be saved.

Bang!

You gasped as you could feel the bullet grazing your hip. The pain was excruciating even for you, you felt it once leaving a hole in your arms back then inside Reiss Chapel, and now you felt it again. But thinking about your own injury was not your priority right now.

Your priority was to open your eyes and scan the faces of your friends. Connie was looking in your direction with jaw hanging slack. Jean had his pupils widened at the sight of you — and how your arms wrapped around Sasha's neck.

It was warm, suddenly you could feel a warm liquid seeping through your uniform at a rapid pace. A second later and crimson was now splattered upon your face as your friend choked out blood.

The next, her body went limp. The next, your vision was blinded with tears.

You pushed Jean away as he screamed at you to snap out of it, one hand gently touched your wound that you could not feel as your heart was ripped apart, even way more painful than the physical pain.

The night was not supposed to end like this, with the death of your comrade, with the death of your best friend. Meat, that's what she said. That was the last word that slipped from her lips.

It suited her. When you let the word roll down your tongue, it was so Sasha.

To remember someone as gluttonous as her even thinking about sharing the precious food all those years ago, you could only let out a bitter laugh.

Your fingers slipped in between her damped strands of hair, full of battle sweat. She loved it, saying that it made her feel secure, but only if you were the one who did that. No one else but you, not even the handsome chef.

You were supposed to do that with her head laying on your thigh, both of you rambling about what food Niccolo would cook for everyone once the airship touchdown safely in the Island of Paradis, home.

But it was not possible as the light in her eyes was forever gone, soon followed with pitch-black flooding your vision.

You let out a sigh to stop yourself from recalling the night even more. Your head was gently resting on Jean's shoulder, opposite you was Armin and Mikasa, both quiet as they were busy with their own thoughts.

"How is your wound?" Jean whispered as he knew how quiet it was in the room, didn't want to bother the others with the chit-chat. His question made your hand move subconsciously from your thigh to touch the bandaged side of your hip. "Is it still hurting?"

You chuckled softly at his question, which earned you a raised eyebrow from your friends as they were now focused on your direction. Not wanting to worry them, you raised one of your hands to dismiss their concern aside.

"I am fine, it was nothing." Clearing your throat, you tried to sound as sure as possible. "You guys knew I felt worse than this before."

Slipping a laugh from your lips, your friends were all having a thin smile on their faces. You were always the positive one, a naive — if they decided to go with what people said about you. Someone so pure and caring to everyone that she loved, yet if something endangered her loved one, she could turn into a monster.

"He didn't even say anything."

But the warm atmosphere only lasted for a few seconds.

"He knew that you were injured, that you lost so much blood too." Connie's eyes never left the windows in front of him, he was the only one who didn't smile at your attempt to loosen up. "But what?" You glanced at him, seeing how his hand balled into a fist. "That bastard Eren didn't even blink or care for you."

"Connie!"

Mikasa hissed at the truth that was being thrown in the air. She didn't know what angered herself more at this point. It was either how Connie insulted Eren for being apathetic, or his words that she knew too well left a sting of pain in your heart.

"Mikasa, it's al—" You stood up abruptly in an attempt to calm her down, but the pain jolted on your hips, making you gasp as you felt the wound stretch a little. She ignored Connie, and in an instance was striding beside you as her hand rested on your back, easing you to sit down again beside Jean.

"Don't rush. You are still healing."

The ravenette had her hands going up and down to distract you from the pain, Connie was silent for a while as he felt guilty for lashing out like that. You couldn't blame him, he lost half of his soul once Sasha took her last breath. You knew the pain, you were just better at hiding it.

Silence engulfed the room once again as your friends focused on making you feel better. You didn't want to worry them, and you could only curse at yourself for hissing out of pain like that before.

Connie was distressed, no. Everyone was distressed at this point for losing a dear friend. You knew at the back of their minds, they would think that this grief they felt right now would never exist if only Eren did not try to infiltrate Marley with the rest of the Survey Corps.

Well, that was true, but you felt like there was more to it. There must be a reason why your lover wanted to show up this night. Either it was just because he wanted to get revenge as fast as he could (a reason that you thought was enough to remember how emotional he used to be), or maybe it was just a start of a longtime plan, but you just believed that there would be a good reason for his doing.

"I am going to talk to him."

You voiced out your thoughts, and that even made Connie whip his face toward you. "He must have felt so lonely down there." With your head hanging low, fingers fiddling around the promise ring that was given by Eren after all of you reclaimed Shiganshina, you were making up your mind. "Maybe I could get him to talk, any kind of information would be important, right?"

Your friends looked at you as if you were crazy. Everyone could see how much he had changed. From a suicidal maniac, to now an empty, emotionless human. They even wondered if he was still human or not with how eerie his aura could be from time to time.

"Don't be stupid, he didn't even say anything when Captain Levi asked him." Jean scoffed as he straightened his back, perhaps wanting to intimidate you.

"Jean is right, with how unstable Eren is right now, we know if he wanted to, he would do something drastic." The soft voice that belonged to Armin filled the room, the gear inside his brain never stopped spinning to think of all the possibilities that might come if you decided to confront the long-haired brunette.

Mikasa stayed silent, while Connie felt like he needed to say something. But as his eyes landed on your pained expression, he decided to shut his mouth for now. He wouldn't say anything, at least not when you were around, not with how much you loved Eren and his words might make you sad even more.

"But I need to." You said out loud sternly, in the process, are demanding everyone to agree. "He loves you, all of you. But his love for me was not just a friendship or brotherhood bond." You squint your eyes a little as your words felt like you were trying to convince yourself. "It's romantic love." And it was stronger.

They gulped when they heard your statement. Even Armin could not argue that you might be the only one who could make Eren open up. You never pitied him, you were there to support, to cheer, to believe that he would be alright, even on the battlefield that was supposed to worry you with how low the chances of survival was.

And with how you treated him, the blonde knew that his best friend appreciated you even more than Mikasa. Because you treated him like a man, because you believed in his ability to manage a life and death situation, because even though you mourn with him while he was thinking about his mother, you were there to provide comfort, not to gaze at him with orbs full of pity.

"Even though we all agree to that," Armin paused, thinking for the right words. "How are you going to visit him? No one was allowed to go down there."

There was a smug smile tugged on your lips as you stood up, palms dusting your wrinkled clothes before walking toward the door. Your aura was reeking with confidence as if you had everything planned out. The blonde should have known by now. Whatever happened, nothing could actually separate you from Eren.

"Well, Armin, you knew that Hange had a soft spot for me, right?" You wiggled your eyebrows playfully, earning a little chuckle from your friend. "If only you guys showed interest too when they talked about titan, which is actually interesting despite their non-stop excitement, you all might get some extra privilege!"

Jean shook his head in amusement when he thought about it, you were the only one (except maybe Moblit — oh, Moblit, you missed that man) that could listen to Hange rambling about how magnificent titan was.

Mikasa and Armin only showed soft smiles for seeing your antics, while Connie just stayed silent and scratched his now (slightly) longer hair.

"Alright you suicidal girlfriend, go on then." Jean playfully insulted you, making you snort for it had been months since the last time you heard that nickname. "Just don't move around too much, walk like a proper lady."

"Bruh, even Historia walked like she stomped the ground anywhere she went." You rolled your eyes before settling your hand on the door's handle. "And she is the queen."

Jean snickered from your words before laying his back on the soft cushion. Somehow feeling at ease that the tension from before was now slowly replaced with a relaxed atmosphere. You hummed softly before opening up the door, now ready to search for Hange.

Hopefully, this plan will work out. Hopefully, he could open up to you.

"Alright, see you—"

"Be careful, okay?"

You jolted, slightly taken aback when Connie cut you off. Something was lingering there as he spoke, as if he knew something that you didn't know. It was like a warning, telling you not to let your guard down.

"My, my, Connie." You let out a soft chuckle and take a peek from your shoulder to look at your friends once more. "This is just Eren, he wouldn't do anything to me." Assurance, always tried to make everyone around you felt better. And you could see from the corner of your eyes that Connie's shoulders started to relax.

Gripping the handle a little bit tighter, you sighed before dazzling them with a wide smile. "Okay, see you guys later. Love you all!"

Your ears didn't find any answers from them. But the snort that you heard, and the little chuckle and a visible smile on their faces were enough for you to close the door behind with a soft click. Now you were ready.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ༶•┈┈⛧┈〄┈⛧┈┈•༶ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Once you left, the room was once again engulfed with silence. An impatient sigh slipped from Jean as he peered at the clock wall once again. It had been around an hour after you left. With how long you have been out, they were all sure that somehow you could get a yes from Commander Hange.

Though, he could not remember how it came to this. At first, they were all just talking about the war, the infiltration in Marley, or what Commander Pyxis thought about the plan. They were all sharing what they thought, everything was civil.

Until Connie asked, with terror in his eyes, whether Eren who was now locked behind the bar, was the same person that they all used to know. Jean knew that he should have kept his mouth shut, he should not have argued back to Mikasa.

But he was desperate, he wanted her to see the truth.

"That must be because he trusts us!"

Yet he knew, no matter how much Eren would stray into the darkness, even though sometimes there were times when she doubted, she would follow that man.

Just like you, sadly, just like you.

But you were so much more in another level of faith.

Both you and Mikasa put Eren on a pedestal. You were like his worshipper, giving your heart completely to the man with emerald eyes as if he was God. Praises would be sung, and no matter how your mind was a lot more rational than the ravenette woman, you would still believe him as the most devoted follower.

And Mikasa saw him as a saviour, extending his hand to her so she could keep on living. She believed that without him, she would have died a long time ago. To know that a man like Eren Yeager had not one but two powerful people who would gladly do anything for him, made Jean's blood boil.

"Mikasa," Connie whispered out, finally turning to face them all again. Even though Jean currently had his head hanging low, somehow he could see the terror in his friend's eyes. "What do you think Eren did when Sasha died? What do you think he did when he saw (Y/n)'s unconscious body with blood all over her torso?"

Mikasa was lost, it was as if she wanted to plug her ears so she could not hear what came next. "Do you think he cried? Do you think he was frustrated?" His voice was stable, yet everyone could hear the sorrow coated in his words. "He didn't even panic when he saw his goddamn lover with a weak pulse!"

"Connie, stop it."

"That bastard laugh, Mikasa! That bastard you called family dared to laugh when Sasha died!" And now the dam has broken. "I wonder what he found so funny. Which part of Sasha's death?" The water had flooded their mind, the truth once again made them question their comrades.

Connie did not want to break you even more, holding back his question before when you were there. And on top of that, he knew that somehow you could make them believe in Eren with how smooth you were with words.

He could see how you would stand up and hug him, he could hear your whisper of how Eren's laugh was something out of grief, maybe because that man remembering something beautiful from the past that made him mad at the universe. He knew that you would do anything to make sure they all still believed in Eren without force. Just by your words.

Maybe that was the reason why Connie spoke up now. Because he knew that Mikasa could never answer his question, so he could have someone to blame, so his selfish mind could at least unleash his frustration on someone else.

"Tell me, Mikasa." He continued, needing to release his sadness away by anger. "You know everything about Eren, right?" An answer would never slip from the woman, so he pushed, again and again. "Why did he laugh over Sasha's death? Why was he not even afraid that his girlfriend could be dead too?!"

Knock knock.

Connie gasped for air.

He leaned his back to the window, hands slowly went up to his head, nails scratching on his scalp as he tried to compose himself. No one knew who that was. And they immediately straightened up their posture as they waited for their guest to come in.

If it was you, you would just open up the door with a bang, as childish as you could get. They would see a smile and excitement beaming from you as you gushed at how glad you were to have a chance to talk with your lover. Your friends could see it all, knowing how predictable you were sometimes, especially when it came to Eren Yeager.

But they surely did not expect Commander Hange themselves to be the one behind the door. Jean, Mikasa, and Armin immediately stood up. Connie walked toward Jean before they were altogether given the surprisingly quiet commander a perfect salute.

"At ease."

This was scary. They all just got back from a traumatic infiltration with how their closest comrades died in the battle. The Commanders themselves gave them some time to relax, telling them that the report and meeting would be held tomorrow instead of right after their return.

So now, they were all questioning the same thing.

Why would Commander Hange have an expression that they would only show when the situation was deadly serious?

Armin's brain never stopped working, he tried to understand the situation by scrutinizing every detail that he could find from the veteran scout. Hange's body was still, lips shaped into a thin line as their eyes fell into the air. They didn't look at any of them, eyes empty as if they were trying to drain any kind of emotion out from their heart.

"This would be hard for all of you."

That was the first sentence that they said after a long pause. Breathe in, breathe out, blue eyes that belonged to Armin now could see the sweat and the tremble on Hange's hand. He could only swallow a huge lump as he waited for further information. "I shouldn't have let—"

The commander cleared their throat when realisation dawned upon them that they almost broke down in front of those who deserved to know the truth. Fast.

Everyone was now alarmed with how vulnerable their commander was standing in front of them. Hange that was never let anyone control their fear and emotion, now completely ruined with whatever guilt that seeping inside their mind. Everyone thought the same thing. "I am sorry."

They were broken.

Mikasa was now agitated. She wanted to push them for just spitting out the information. All she ever wanted was just rest, and with how the commander had something that they needed to share, somehow she doubted that she could get any rest soon.

"(Y/n)'s dead."

And now, she was sure that she could not even get any rest at all.

"I found her body already slumped on the ground."

She was screaming, a massive headache struck her as if it would split her head into two. Armin tried to calm her down, but it was no use with how panic his voice sounded right now, not even including the hiccup and sob that followed after as he finally processed the information.

Connie laughed like a maniac, thinking it was a joke. Now maybe he knew why Eren laughed when he heard Sasha's death. This was too painful to understand, too much to be taken in one night after everything that happened just a few hours ago.

And then there was Jean, who only had his legs wobbled a little.

"Where?"

Jean was the only one who dared to ask, who was still collected enough to push all the truth on the table. "Commander Hange, with all due respect. I needed to know. We needed to know." Even in between all the sobs and agonizing screams, the two scouts stared at each other with an unreadable expression on both of their faces.

"Commander Hange," He called out again, "Where did you find her?"

Silence.

Four pairs of eyes immediately flee toward the brown-haired scout.

They all indeed — needed to know.

"Eren's cell."

Everyone gasped, simultaneously. And they thought about the same thing, they were sure that someone tried to kill Eren and you were caught in between. They already had their eyes blazing with fire, ready to hunt down whoever dared to steal your life away.

Maybe a Marleyan, yes, or maybe some random soldier who had seen so many deaths on the infiltration that made them mad.

But the world was just as cruel as it was already.

They could only wish it were that simple.

"And there was no sign of someone breaking in."

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#eren x reader #eren x y/n #eren jaeger #eren yaegar #eren angst #aot x reader #aot imagines #aot x y/n #aot #snk x reader #snk #eren jaeger x reader #eren yeager x reader

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mackenziebrooks · 3 years

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I'll Prove It To You

Summary: After getting together recently. The reader has to go on a mission with Luck and Magna. Before the reader leaves, she overhears Captain Yami and Asta talking. The conversation that she hears lingers in her head the entire time she is gone on the mission. Which makes the reader not able to focus on the tasks.

Pairing: Asta x reader

Warnings: cute, angst, dark content, yelling, cussing, fluff, mentions of Asta’s demon, overly protective Asta, sad, crying, sick, tears, the reader gets hurt, hurt, injuries, angry Asta, mention of the word sex, Yami and Asta have a talk, mention of the word hickey, heartfelt confessions, comfort,

Word count: 6,563

A/N: Here is a fic of everyone’s sweet emerald green-eyed boy, Asta. I also want to give credit to (Genn). We both gave our inputs into this story and I needed to give her credit. I would feel bad if I took it all and I know I shouldn’t. Hope everyone likes it. (If I need to add anything to the wanting list let me know).

__________________________________________

“Shit! Asta you idiot! I am going to be late!”, you yelled as you jumped out of bed and started to get your gear on.

Asta looked over the clock and cursed under his breath, he got up and started rambling around for his clothes. He spoke, “Don’t put this all on me Y/n! It’s just as your fault as mine”.

You slipped your squad robe over your head and opened the door, running down the hallway towards the living room of the base. Asta was right behind you, putting his headband on and trying his best to keep up.

You had to leave for a mission this morning with Luck and Magna, Captain Yami told you to be in the living room at exactly nine o clock. Well...you had three minutes to make it there in time. Maybe having sex with Asta the night before you had a mission to go on was not the best idea, but you couldn’t take last night back. Hell, you didn’t want to take it back. It was the best night of your life. Because Asta and you got together recently.

You just hoped that Luck and Magna didn’t leave without. Nah they wouldn’t. Yami is smart enough to not let them leave on a mission alone.

__________________________________________

Asta and you showed up exactly at nine o clock. The moment you two walked into everyone’s sight landed on you guys. They could see the various hickeys on Asta’s and your neck. Knowing exactly what you two did last night.

Captain Yami was sitting on the couch with a cigarette in his mouth. He took a puff and exhaled the smoke into the air. He spoke “Well it’s nice for the two lovebirds to finally join us”, with a chuckle.

Asta and you gulped a little and sat down in your respective seats, waiting for Captain Yami to explain the missions for today. Captain Yami spoke “For most of you, today will be patrolling around the kingdom. Vanessa and Charmy. You’ll take care of the skies. Gauche, Noelle, and Finral, you’ll take the streets. Magna, Luck, and Y/n. You three are going on that mission to a village a few miles from here to look around. Asta, you’ll be sticking with me for the day”.

The whole squad said “Yes sir”, and they all went their separate ways to go get their jobs done. Luck, Magna, and you stayed behind for a bit. To make sure you have everything you need before setting off for your mission. While getting everything together, Captain and Asta walked in talking. Captain Yami said, “I told you not to make Y/n late and what did you do? You almost made her late. Also, didn’t I say that she was off-limits”.

Asta could only just stand there and look at Yami, biting his lip to keep himself from lashing out at his mentor. In his head, his demon was raising hell saying things like “I’ll do whatever I want” and “She is mine Yami! Mine!”

Asta however, only could say “I was just being nice. I can’t help it that I have feelings for Y/N. I also can't help that shit got out of control and things happened last night”. Captain Yami pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, this kid is going to be the death of me. That is what went through Yami’s head. Yami said, “Kid, I don't care. I told you to not mess with her and you disobeyed my order. Therefore you are staying here today and not going on this mission”.

Hearing everything, Luck, Magna, and you just kept quiet. You three didn’t want to get on Captain’s bad side either. Yet, you felt bad. You made Asta go against the rules of Yami. Something that the squad knows not to do. Asta didn’t seem to care, he had feelings for you and he was going to make you see them. He loved you and cared about you so much.

You were about to walk over to talk to him about the whole conversation, but Luck called “Y/n!, let’s get going. Magic Knights always get a head start”. All you could do was look at Asta and you just say “I’ll talk to you later Asta, see ya”, then you headed out the door to go on your mission.

__________________________________________

The moment you walked out of your door, Asta felt like absolute shit. He thought he could finally have happiness in his life, and it’s already starting to be taken away from him.

The patrolling with Yami, Asta is just standing there all quiet. He wasn’t his happy self, he was just gloomy. He only gave Yami nods and small answers to his questions. If Asta saw anyone he knew, he would make small talk with them. When they ran into Yuno, Asta stood there and kept quiet. Yuno could tell something was bothering his rival/best friend. Yuno even said, “Asta...you can always talk to me if something is bothering you”. Asta could only nod and spoke, “Yeah...I know Yuno...thanks”.

Asta may be faking smiles on the outside, the demon was festering on the inside. He was growing more and more intense through the whole thing. The demon wanted Asta to just go off on Captain Yami, not think one second for the use of his words. Asta pushed him back and kept himself at bay. He was not going to do that to the person who saw so much potential and gave him a chance. Gave him a home.

Charmy tried making him sweets to cheer him, Asta would take them but he wouldn’t eat them. Vanessa would try her best to talk to him, Asta didn’t want to talk. Asta only wanted you. Captain Yami was starting to feel bad for what he had said to his little pupil. He didn’t mean to say it the way he did, he just wanted you to turn out like the rest of them.

Yami would sit beside his ash-blonde kid and say “Kid, I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it like that, I just...wanted to keep Y/N out of harm's way is all. I hope you can forgive me, kid. Oh, and you have permission to date Y/n, even if you did break my rules”.

Asta would half-smile and least take the apology from Captain Yami. He would reply “Thanks Captain and I forgive you, you were just trying to protect us”. Asta knew he couldn’t stay mad at Captain forever, because he’d never know if they had to work together if something dangerous was to happen.

Asta wanted to know “Did you truly want him still after all of this?”

__________________________________________

You on the other hand were questioning everything. Was the love Asta and you had even real? Did Asta love you or was it just to prove to Yami that he doesn’t listen?

Yami’s words kept playing over and over again in your head. You couldn’t get them out. You had to get them out. You had a mission that you needed to focus on. Magna brought you out of your thoughts by saying “Hey! Cheer up Y/n, it’s all okay. Yami does this all the time. Don’t be so upset about it”.

Luck would come up and put an arm around your shoulders and say “Yeah! We have a mission that needs to be taken care of. So we need to be focused”.

Just as you are about to speak, (some type of magic) get thrown at you three. Magna deflected it away with ease and said “Looks like you have to be focused a lot more sooner Y/N”. Luck quickly took his arm off of your shoulder and stood ready. You let your grimoire out of your slash and follow along with your comrades. You said “Thanks for the motivation guys, truly helpful”.

A guy came out from the woods and spoke “Oh how lovely, three young magic knights left unattended to. This is going to be a very exciting slaughter for me. I’ll start with the girl”.

Magna and Luck both bared their teeth and said “Over our dead bodies. You’ll never get to Y/N. We will make sure of it!”

The guy chuckled darkly and spoke “Oh sure you two will. Yet you do not know how my magic works. Ever hear the words ``silent but deadly”, as he raised his hand. His grimoire fluttered open. This guy spoke some words that you three were not familiar with.

In an instant, you felt a stabbing pain in your shoulder. You quickly grabbed at your wound and yelled out in pain. Luck and Magna both turned to you and yelled “Y/n!”. You said, “I’m...fine, just take care of this guy. I can still fight”.

Luck and Magna both nodded, headed straight for this unknown person. The guy said, “Oh I have a name pretty thing and it’s called Rin. Seems to me like you still aren’t fully understanding my attention. I’m getting rid of you”. Rin said the same words again, as he dodged Luck’s attack. You felt the same stabbing pain, but this time in your thigh. Causing you to drop to your knees.

You grit your teeth, keeping yourself from crying out in pain. You needed to help. You used your magic and let it do its work. While you still felt cuts and bruises being formed on your skin, you kept your spirits high. This fight had to be finished one way or another.

Luck and Magna both were getting hurt just like you, but you were taking the wounds way worse than they were. Luck doing everything he can to keep you from getting more hurt. While Magna took his communication device and called Yami. Hoping that the big brute would answer quickly and not make stupid remarks.

Once Yami answered, Magna spoke “Captain, we are in trouble and Y/n is hurt. Badly hurt. That she is pouring blood out of her shoulder and thigh. We can’t beat this guy. His magic, it is weird. You got to come help!”

__________________________________________

Captain Yami was sitting at the bar, about to enjoy his drink when his alert device went off. He groaned in annoyance. Noticing it was Magna, he knew it better be a good reason to ruin his afternoon drink. Yami spoke “Blaze this better be…”, but he never got to finish his words. Magna completely explained everything that was happening to them.

Yami had no idea that Asta was still in the room and was overhearing the conversation between his squad member and captain. The moment he heard Magna tell Yami that you were hurt, Asta was on his feet instantly.

As Yami finished the call, Asta spoke “Yami let me go please! It’s Y/n! Please let me go! I’ll do anything, just permit me to go help!” Asta’s eyes showed that he was not going to take no for an answer. Yami wanted to tell him, no but he knew he couldn't do that to his kid.

Yami knew if he did say no, then this whole situation would get more complicated and messy between Asta and you. It also would start the feud between Asta and him again. Yami didn’t want that to happen. Yami said “Fine kid. I’m going to let you go but I am going with you. Because you are not going to go and do something reckless and stupid”.

Asta smiles and understandably nods. Asta grabbed his swords and he headed out the door. Yami hollered “Vanessa, Gauche. Hold down the fort. Finral you are coming with us. We need your transportation”. Vanessa and Gauche would only say “Yes sir”. Finral wouldn’t say a word, he would make the portal and then the three of them would be heading to their members.

The whole trip through the portal, Asta is just anxious and ready to get to you. He needs to see just how badly you are hurt. Because Magna likes to exaggerate things, but Asta had the feeling that Magna was telling the truth. That you were hurt badly.

__________________________________________

When the portal opens, Finral, Yami, and Asta could see it all. Rin was still throwing everything he could at Luck and Magna. Magna staying close to your form. Keeping you protected. To this point, you were laying on your side. Trying to stay awake.

Asta could see all the blood on the ground. Not knowing it was from Magna, Luck, or you. His eyes lock onto your almost lifeless body. His whole body is starting to shake. That he starts to lose the fight with his demon, but he keeps it together.

Rin however dips before he could get caught from the new threats that entered his forest. Not wanting to deal with the big monkey of a man and the weird deformed kid.

Yami and Asta quickly hurried over to you. Asta dropped to knees, looking over at you. Asta says “Princess, who did this to you”. His voice changed from his sweet soft tone to the dark and demonic tone.

Asta couldn't fight the other side of him any longer and he was letting it fully come out. Someone hurt the one he loves the most and he wanted to get revenge. Yami wanted to tell Asta to not let it out all right now, but it was too late. Yami couldn't control the emotions going through Asta. Yami would have done the same thing.

As much as you wanted to tell him who did this to you, you couldn't tell him. Because you were doing everything you could to save your breath. The only thing you could make out was “Asta”. You watched as your blurred sight took in his wing, his talons, his horn, and his mixed colored eyes.

If Asta wasn’t by your side before, he was by your side now. Asta cupped your cheek gently with his human hand and he softly spoke “I’ll make them pay for what they did to you Y/n. I promise you that”. His voice was smooth enough to still talk to you. It would be smooth when he would talk to Yami and them. Not to the one who hurt his friends and girlfriend. Asta let go of your cheek and he then turned towards Luck and Magna.

Luck and Magna both gulped, not wanting to hear what Asta had to say. They were still terrified of his demon form. Asta spoke “Who did this to my girl”, clearly wanting his answer now. Luck spoke, “It all just happened so quickly. The guy..his name was Rin came out of nowhere and did this to Y/n. Did this to us”. Magna could only say “The Rin guy took off just as your guys got here and he went towards the north”.

Asta nodded his head and said “Thanks guys”, started to head towards the direction Rin had gone to. Though he stopped and waited for Captain to finish. Captain Yami would only be able to look at Asta in a whole new demeanor. Instead of the reckless kid he had always known, Yami saw him as a magic knight. Protecting what he cares about the most.

Magna would pick you up bridal style and head towards the portal with Luck. You would look at Asta before you disappeared into the portal. Yami spoke “Finral, you come back to us as soon as you are done getting them back to the base”, Finral replied, “Yes sir, I will be back in a flash”.

__________________________________________

As much as Yami is proud of Asta, Yami said “Asta. If we are going to do this, you have to act on my command. Not on your own. I promise you, kid, you’ll get revenge on this Rin guy, but it will be on my terms. If you do not listen, I will send you back with Finral and I will do this investigation myself. Understand?”

Asta wanted to turn around and argue with Yami. But, Asta knows that his captain is right. He has to do this on his command and not his own. Course Asta wanted to go back and be with you. Asta knows he needs to stay and make sure nothing happens to Yami, even if Yami can take care of himself. A magic knight does not run away from a fight. Asta spoke, “Yes captain I understand”.

__________________________________________

While they are off hunting down Rin. Finral got Luck, Magna, and you all back to the base safely. Magna carried you in and the rest of the squad could only gasp. They’ve never seen you this injured before. Vanessa would instantly take you from Magna, as he'd go and get freshened up. Along with Luck.

Vanessa, Noelle, and Charmy all took to Asta’s room, knowing that is where you would rather be. They all would take turns taking care of you. Noelle would carefully wrap your injured shoulder up, after cleaning all the blood off. She’d do the same with your thigh. Vanessa would patch up any scratches you had on your body, to keep any infections out. Charmy would go make all the soft and comfort foods that would help you regain your strength. Sadly, their worst fear came..you already developed a sickness due to your wounds.

They are completely concerned, more than they were initially. They could handle the wounds, but you being sick also? This was not good..not at all. Noelle would phone the kingdom’s doctor. The doctor would assure them that it was normal. Told them to just watch over her and let the wounds and the infections run their course.

Even if you knew you were home safe and sound. All you wanted to do was sleep. All you wanted was Asta. Because you felt safer if he was with you. Wearing one of his shirts wasn't enough to make you feel better. All you could do was cry for him. Making the rest of the squad pray that Asta would return home soon.

__________________________________________

It had been almost an hour, Yami and Asta still trying to find Rin. Asta’s anger had slowed down a bit, but it was still there. Captain Yami said, “We will find him kid don’t worry. I’ll let you have a piece of him and then I will take over”. Asta nodded and kept his eyes open for anything. Magna did explain that his guy’s magic was silent. Asta would be able to take him on. He produced anti-magic.

Not even within a few minutes, Asta’s Ki senses hit and slashed towards his right and then towards his left. Asta spoke “Come out you coward!”, growling. Yami smirked, proud of his kid for using his Ki. Yami would say “Excellent kid”, drawing his katana.

Rin would come out of hiding and say “How? No one can detect my magic and deflect it at ease!”, sending out more attacks. Asta dodged the ones sent his way, as Yami did the same. Asta said, “I can you bastard. Ever heard of anti-magic?”. Rin’s eyes would go wide hearing the words “anti-magic��. Rin just kept sending and sending attacks to his two enemies. Though this was a battle for revenge, Yami was enjoying being beside his demon child. Fighting and protecting the squad they loved. Minus how much they annoyed Yami.

Yami would say “Kid, use your demon speed and get behind him”. Asta would nod and fight his way to get behind Rin. Rin would put up a fight to keep Asta at bay, but it was useless. Asta was way faster and easily got behind Rin. Rin would turn around and fight Asta. Asta would grab him by the face and slam him to the ground. He would grip Rin’s shirt tightly, raising his fist and punching Rin in the face. At least a couple of times. Then putting his hand around Rin’s throat.

Yami would say to himself “Fucking hell kid”. Yami would hurry over and say “Asta don’t. I know you want to but don’t. That is an order”. Asta does all he can to restrain himself from not ending Rin's life. He wants to continue to punish Rin, just to make up for you getting hurt. At the same time, he needs to stop. He doesn’t want to ruin his reputation as a magic knight.

Asta would let go of Rin’s throat and back away from him. Yami would pick Rin up and have him by the collar of his shirt, just as Finral opened up a portal. Yami would make remarks to Finral, but not at the moment. Asta spoke “Took you long enough time machine”, Finral said, “I am your superior Asta, but right now. I know you are not in the mood to argue”. Yami and Asta would talk into Finral’s portal and they would go back to the Clover Kingdom.

Getting back to the kingdom, there were a lot of questions. Asta just stood there and listened to Yami and other captains talk. He wants to be involved, but he is keeping himself away. He isn't sure if he would be able to stop from ending Rin’s life if he were to see him again. Then again, he is also worried about you. Because you are his number one priority.

Soon as this is over, Asta is going straight to the base.

__________________________________________

Once Asta makes it back to the base, he is searching for you. Lucky he runs into Noelle asking where you are. Noelle would say “Y/n is in your room Asta, but she is asleep. She also is recovering from her injuries and a fever. So it’s going to be a slow recovery for a while”. Asta would not even reply to Noelle. He would take off running towards his room.

He would see you laying in his bed, sleep as Noelle said. Your skin is paler than your normal tone. You look almost lifeless while laying there in his bed. It made him more emotional.

Asta begins to wonder the what-ifs. What if you died? What if they were too late? He just got you, he couldn't lose you already. You were his life.

Asta didn’t want to wake you, you needed the sleep. He took the seat next to his bed and watched over you closely. He was angry, sad, and hurt. If he could take all of the pain away from you, he would. He would rather be in your place than you.

Every little sound or little move you would make, he would be alerted instantly.

As much as he would love to be laying next to you in the bed, he chose to stay in the chair. Asta didn't want to make the pressure on your body worse. He’d gradually take you wearing one of his shirts. At least he knew he was still protecting you, keeping you warm.

His demon would be rambling in his head, saying things like “We should have ended that Rin guy’s life. Why did Yami have to intervene?” Asta would push his demon away and not worry about his words. You were the only thing that mattered right now.

Slowly, you would stir and open your eyes to a blurry vision. You spoke softly “Asta?”

__________________________________________

Asta’s ears would perk up and he’d be right there in your line of vision. He’d take your cool hand into his warm one. Stroking it softly, letting you know he was there. Asta spoke, “I’m here princess”.

Asta’s voice is hoarse, from not talking. From being angry. Yet, he is relieved and happy to see that you have opened your pretty eyes. It assures him that you are alive and wasn’t laying in his bed like a corpse.

“Asta are you here?” your voice cracking since you haven’t talked for quite some time. Tears start to form in your eyes, tipping over your beautiful eyelashes. You were hoping that this wasn’t a trick. Your dreams plague with no one but Asta. Sometimes it was just the two of you, happy in love. Others, it was bloodshed that ended with yours or his death.

Asta’s throat is clogged with emotions, his green eyes vibrant and shining with unshed tears.

“I’m here baby, I promise”, Asta says softly. He’d move closer towards you. His hand coming up to palm your cheek and he watches you nuzzle into it. “We got the guy. He’s in the prison cell right now”, he’d tell you.

Your vision starts to get a bit more clear, so you could see Asta better. You could see his eyes were to the point of letting the waterworks fall. You’d sit up in front of him and place both of your hands on his cheeks.

“Asta, I’m so sorry. My head wasn't in the right place. Luck, Magna, and I were somewhat paying attention but not fully. It..it just happened so fast”. You were pouring your emotions out to him. Telling him you were sorry and you didn't mean to get hurt. Knowing you were better than this.

You continued “It’s just what Captain Yami and you talked about before we three left. It got to me. I was thinking that you didn't love me. That you just did this whole thing to prove a point. I’m sorry! I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you Asta”.

Asta quickly took your face in his hands. His heart was breaking at the realization that you were essentially hurt because of him. Because of the misunderstanding before you left. Sorrow envelops him to the deepest part of his soul. He will never forgive himself for this.

The pain in his chest felt so sharp, it almost hurt to breathe. Even the demon inside of him was deadly quiet.

Asta spoke, “You got it all wrong Y/n! It was never to prove a point. Captain Yami was being protective over you because we’re squad members”.

With a shaky deep breath, Asta leveled you with a stare that is bright with desperation. He wasn't sure if you’d believe him but he had to try at least.

__________________________________________

“Baby, you are good enough for me. Hell, you are better than me. I am just a commoner chosen by the five-leaf clover. I’m not worthy of your love but I’ll make damn sure to earn it and keep you by my side”, Asta says.

His thumb wipes away your tears. His voice is raw with emotions as he presses his forehead against yours. “I love you. I’m yours until you don't want me anymore. And you're mine. Forever”.

You take your hands off of his cheeks and wrap your sore arms around his neck, closing your eyes. You said “I love you to Asta, I want you forever”, with a smile.

The two of you stayed in this position for a few more minutes. Taking in the moment of finally being the two of you. After everything that had happened with the last few hours.

“I’m sorry I didn't understand and took everything the wrong way. I just care about you and I don't want to lose you. Oh and do not say you are not worthy, you are Asta. You’ve earned every single bit of me. My love, my respect, and my support. All of it”, you declared.

Softly you asked “Babe, can you lay down with me? I’d feel a lot safer if you did. If you can’t I understand”.

Asta is up as soon as those words leave your lips, he’s eager to lay with you, to have you in his arms. He climbs gingerly on the bed, mindful of how sore your body is. Asta scoots closer to your body, relaxing and curling into you once he feels the barest contact of your skin against his.

While he was still angry at himself, he's just happy to have you alive and with him. He truly didn't deserve you. But he loved you too much to let you go. He'll spend the rest of his life proving his worth to you. If he has to.

__________________________________________

“Asta?” you call.

Asta hums when you call his name waiting for a response. His heart accelerates every time you say his name. But he couldn't lie and say this time he wasn't scared about what you had to tell him.

He has to remind himself that you're not going anywhere. He settles on caressing your skin gently, trying to soothe his nerves in the reassurance of you being alive.

“I’m still sorry for ever doubting that you did this to prove a point. I love you truly”, you say. Without realizing it, his rigid body softens once you tell him you love him. Asta didn't realize it but he guessed he was preparing for the worst. But hearing you say those words, makes his heart swell.

“I love you more baby”, he drifts off for a bit but then continues “Don’t apologize. I can see how it sounded bad coming from the captain. He was ominous about it”.

You reply “Yeah I know but I am still kinda to all of this. I just...I don’t know”

You slowly turned around and put your hand on his chest and sighed. “I just want you to be proud of me and I feel like I failed you, I wanted to be better but still”, you tell him.

The more you kept thinking about it the more emotional you got. Tears falling from your eyes. You added, “I do not feel like a magic knight. Everyone else is so much better than me”.

Asta placed his hand over yours. It pained him to hear your cries, hear you put yourself down. He wanted to take it all away. But he knows this is something that you have to deal with on your own. He’d be there for you. Just like you were there for him.

He lets you cry your emotions out. His hand squeezes your hand firmly. When your cries quiet down, he honestly speaks.

Asta says “You know what the squad sees? We see you as one of the best magic knights in our kingdom. You're not here for status but because you want to keep the citizens safe. You’re kind to all, care about the honor of your comrades and you aren't afraid to lead. Not to mention you are powerful. Noelle said you motivate her to keep practicing for control over her magic. Do not get me started on Luck and Magna. If there is anyone they respect more than Captain, it's you. I could go on but my point is, you’re the one everyone looks up to. Myself included. Babe, I am so proud of you. Nothing you could ever do would make me any less proud. If anything, I’ve failed you...and I am deeply sorry for that. But I will never stop making it up to you”.

__________________________________________

“I know you’ll never stop making up for thinking you failed me but in reality, you haven't failed me, Asta. Did you not see what you did? You came the moment you found out that I was in danger and hurt. That's pretty worthy if you ask me”. You say.

You brought his chin down so you could see him better and look into his emerald eyes and asked “How is your demon taking this? Probably fuming”.

Asta’s eyes are solemn when he answers “Angry you’re hurt. Angry you think so low of yourself. But he’s happy to see you’re safe. We both are and that you’re ours”. Which is true. The demon being part of Asta, he took you as his also. If Asta loved you, the demon had to least try and take you in.

You’re shocked but continue to ask “A demon happy to see that I’m safe and that I’m yours? Isn’t that kinda weird? Mean a demon can love? I’m not saying that it can’t but look at us. Don’t be mad at me for questioning”.

Asta shrugs, not at all offended by your questioning. He says “I can't say for sure that he loves you babe. But I do know that he cares about you. He wanted to destroy that Rin guy for hurting you. Your pain and injuries made him restless”.

You spoke, “Well mean he is a part of you so therefore he should care about me. Why did he want to hurt that Rin guy? I just want to learn more about the person I love”. If you were going to be with Asta, then you needed to get to know more about Asta and his demon. Things that he liked and didn't like.

“Because Rin hurt someone dear to the demon and I”, Asta would reply. His eyes darkened. He could tell the demon was under the surface. The demon was scratching to be let out. But Asta kept him at bay, this was not the time to go into a blood lust. He didn't want to scare you in your condition.

Asta stated, “Soon as you are healed up, you can talk to him, princess”.

Asta had to admit, it made him happy that you acknowledged the demon was a part of him. Essentially he was it and it was him. It’s a lifelong bond. It pleased him and the demon greatly that you cared enough to want him and his dark side.

__________________________________________

To avoid his dark-colored eyes, you looked down and spoke “I don't know when that is going to be babe. The doctor has me on bed rest and you know Captain is going to make sure I follow orders. Hell, even when I am healed I still have to wait”. Being stuck in the house killed you. Sure it was to rest up and hell but you still hated it. You were the one to always be outside. Whether it was to train or to just enjoy the outdoors.

Asta tipped your chin, so you could look at him. His eyes were back to his soft shade of green. He saw you were pouting when you told him about having to stay inside. While he did understand your feelings, he couldn't help to find your pouting adorable.

He stated “Hey. I’ll be with you every step of the way alright? I know you don't like the thought of staying in but you need to heal. You’ll be up and ready before you know it. I’ll be right there when you do baby”, ending it with a grin.

You responded, “Yeah, I know you’ll be with me every step of the way”. You smiled up at him and placed your lips against his. You hadn't kissed him in quite some time and you missed the taste of his lips.

Asta grunted into the kiss, kissing you with all of the passion he could muster. He missed your lips just as much, missed the taste of you just as much.

Asta pulled away and said “I heard you’ve been experiencing a sickness along with your wounds. How are you feeling babe?’’, you simply said “Yeah, it just some small infections happened to start before I got them properly cleaned. I am fine now though Asta”.

Asta smiled and nodded before he spoke “If you get to feeling any worse. You better let me know princess”. You nodded your head to give him your response. You’d tell him the moment you started to feel bad.

You took his headband off and put it on the side table next to you, then you looked at him. You said “It’s not time to be a magic knight anymore. It’s time to be a boyfriend and a caregiver if that is okay with you?”

All Asta could do was watch you take his headband off and his adorable smile formed on his face. He brushed your lips with his and spoke “That’s more than okay with me baby. Do you need anything? Name it and I will gladly go and get it for you”. He meant it. Anything that you wanted, he’d make sure to go get it for you.

__________________________________________

“Hmm, could you go get me some water? Then when you get back, can you stay here with me? You know cuddle and protect me”. You simply ask him.

Asta smiles and answers “I'll go and get you some water babe, then when I get back we can cuddle”. He caresses your face, kissing the top of your head. A kiss that was full of promises. Asta said, “I’ll protect you with my life my queen”.

And he would. Asta would die for you if he had to. You were his everything and he was going to take care of you.

Asta kisses you one more time before getting out of bed. It’s not long before he's back with your cup of water and he hands it to you. He waits patiently for you to finish it, once you are he sets it down on the side table. Then he's back in the bed, snuggling into you. He's mindful of your wounds as he drapes one arm around your body. He placed another kiss on your head.

You placed your head on his chest and listened to the beat of his heart, it was slowly playing a lullaby for you to fall asleep. You said, “Nothing else love, I am fine. Just do not leave me unless you have to”.

“I won’t, I promise”, Asta says. The hand that was wrapped around you came up and played with your hair. Helping you fall asleep more.

It felt good with you being in his arms. Asta felt like himself again. No longer angry, frightened, or hurt. He felt...content. Sure you guys will still probably need to talk more. He is sure that you’d want to talk to the demon. Right now, it was just you and him. Nothing else. For that he was grateful.

Asta checked to make sure that you had fallen asleep and you did. His own eyes started to become droopy. He guessed he was tired from all of the stress and fighting. Yet he didn't mind falling asleep knowing you’d be there when he wakes up.

He lets out a yawn while the arm around you tightens up. Asta spoke “I love you, princess, sleep well”, a peaceful smile forms on his face as he falls asleep himself.

125 notes · View notes

yukimoji · 4 years

Text

My World: Part 1 ( Tanjiro Kamado x Reader )

(a/n: hello! “my world” is a mini two part series! this was inspired after listening to some of my favorite opm songs on repeat lol. part 2 will be coming soon! hope you all enjoy!)

Part 1 I 2 I 3

Total words: 3937 words

Genre: Fluff

No manga spoilers

!!Slight mentions of Blood and Death!!

You've never really considered the possibility of true love coming to you all your life.

Growing up in a demon-infested world, life seemed to be fond of throwing you into hardships and struggle. Sure, some may argue that what breaks us makes us even stronger. However, every time you came face to face with a demon, all the horrors of the world would slap you in the face.

Life was rough, to be frank. Losing your family, the agony of training to death, and the endless amount of missions that never seemed to end. All this has taken a huge toll on you, as you become even more frustrated the longer you fight.

Even in the midst of those moments of uncertainty, you've seen rays of sunlight peeking through the dark and gloomy clouds. The way you watched children play around every time you visit a new location, the way laughter and joy was abundant despite the ever-growing threat, or even the way some people would cling to you to sing praises of gratitude after being rescued from a demon would always warm your heart.

These little bits of happiness can bring just the smallest of smiles to your face, and you were secretly hoping that maybe soon, you will also be happy and enjoy the warmth of love that would've had surrounded you without a care in the world.

But you could only hope, only dream. You can't stop fighting for even just a second.

Not when your life is still in the hands of danger. Not when there's a likelihood of a horrible and painful death looming over you.

You're not going to stop until you have avenged your family and the numerous deaths that Muzan Kibutsuji has inflicted upon humanity.

You've never really considered the possibility of true love coming to you all your life, but that seemed to have changed when you finally met him.

Tanjiro Kamado is a peculiar boy.

The first time you met him, you were sent on a mission at Mt. Natagumo with several other slayers. You were in a rough shape, after seeing how your comrades were turned against each other and were ruthlessly murdered in front of your very eyes. You couldn't move after being badly injured from a rouge katana stabbing you somewhere in your body. Pain and suffering was the only thing you could feel in that moment, and it seemed like your life had flashed before your eyes.

Minutes later, in front of you, a glimpse of a green and black checkered haori appeared. A boy wearing hanafuda-like earrings that seemed to twinkle and reflect the rays of moonlight with every slightest movement. He had Burgundy locks, which seemed to be swaying from the cool breeze, a red scar adorning his forehead, and a dashing pair of crimson eyes that gazed at you with such concern.

The powerful emotion directed towards you seemed to have left you breathless. The next thing you know, you've been taken away to a safe location where no one could hurt you.

"Stay here, okay? Don't move too much or you'll get even more hurt." His voice trailed off, holding you so delicately, as though you were about to fall apart at any moment. He looked worried, his nose wrinkled, and his lips was in a hard line when he saw how much you were in a horrible state. Then, looking at you, he smiled softly.

"I'm going to go now and find help, okay?" You could only nod and stare helplessly as he stood up and ran, presumably trying to find help.

And then, everything went dark.

You were in the Butterfly Estate's Ward the next time you saw him. Miraculously, as you were lying motionlessly in your safe position, the Kakushi came and got you all patched up. You were then taken to the Butterfly Estate to heal and rest.

But it seemed that recovery itself was a challenge.

You had a hard time sleeping, because a certain blonde-haired boy, whom you later learned to be named Zenitsu, kept screaming and whining to the poor girls who had given his medicine. Apparently, he was almost turned into a spider and the medicine was supposed to help him go back to his regular form.

"I GOTTA TAKE THIS FIVE TIMES? A DAY?! AND I HAVE TO KEEP TAKING THIS MEDICINE FOR THREE MONTHS??! IF I TAKE THIS, I CAN'T EAT ANYTHING YOU KNOW! I MEAN, IT'S REALLY BITTER! IT'S SUCH AN ORDEAL!!"

You could just stare in disappointment at the ceiling. Zenitsu's eyes exploded up in tears as he proceeded to have a tantrum, leaving the poor butterfly girl sweating in front of him, not knowing what to do. If you weren't hurt and just mainly having a bad time, you'd have already smacked the guy for his childish behavior.

Laying after an empty bed besides you, the boy with the boar-head, Inosuke, did not seem fazed at all. But then, you also discovered that the poor soul had his throat crushed by a demon. You could only assume that he was also beyond tired to even deal with Zenitsu's antics.

"SO, YOU MEAN MY ARMS AND LEGS WILL HEAL JUST BY TAKING MEDICINE? FOR REAL?! LISTEN, ARE THEY REALLY GONNA HEAL? TELL ME HOW THEY'RE GONNA BE HEALED!"

"Please stop shouting, will you?" The butterfly girl spoke out, attempting to calm the aggressive boy down.

After what seemed like an eternity of wails, Aoi and a pair of Kakushi came into the ward, one of them carrying a very familiar boy behind his back.

Your eyes widened when you saw the boy who rescued you calling out to Zenitsu. You didn't even hear Aoi scolding Zenitsu, who was whimpering and trembling in his bed sheets. Aoi left the ward annoyed with a huff, and you just stared at the kind boy as he was put down on the floor and went on to have a conversation with Zenitsu.

Judging from their discussion, Zenitsu and the other boy appeared to be friends. Zenitsu started to ramble about how mean Aoi was, and the Burgundy hairy boy realized how small his friend had become. You could just look away when the snot started to spill out of the rowdy blonde's nose.

However, as soon as you turned away, Crimson eyes found your exhausted body lying a few beds away, and his eyes gleamed as he remembered you as the slayer he had rescued the night before. He sighed in relief, because you were still alive even after all those injuries.

He observed your form, and he picked up the scent of exhaustion coming from you. Who wouldn't be? He wondered. He was just glad that he managed to save you in time, after seeing how countless slayers were murdering each other, he's just happy that he managed to save one more life.

But apart from fatigue, he couldn't help but pick up the scent of resentment and sadness surrounding you. He came to understand that your friends and comrades were all gone, not to mention that you may have lost all of your family, too. If there's someone who can understand you, it's him, because he's also lost his family and his sister became a demon.

After cleaning up, it was his mission to befriend you at all costs. He went into the ward and took the bed next to you and Inosuke. Per usual, Zenitsu was already bawling, and Inosuke continued to be in a sour mood.

You, on the other hand, could only look at the ceiling with a dark shadow cast on your face that the hanafuda-clad slayer could only assume to have been irritation caused by his blonde partner. As he claimed his bed, he turned and grinned softly towards you.

"Hello!" He greeted enthusiastically.

You get startled and pulled out of your thoughts of murder, as you tilt your head only to be greeted by the bright expression of the boy next to you.

Jesus, this boy could rival the sun with the warm and inviting aura he had.

"I'm glad you're all right! My name is Tanjiro Kamado, what's yours?" he introduced himself happily, leaving you speechless as to how friendly and cheerful this boy was.

"...[ Y / N ]. [ Y / N ] [ L / N ]." You manage to blurt out. Tanjiro's eyes sparkled, and his smile grew even more.

"EHHHH??! SO THE PRETTY GIRL CAN TALK! AND HERE I THOUGHT I'M NEVER GOING TO HEAR HER WONDERFUL VOICE!" Zenitsu cries out in excitement, laughing and waving about to himself as a vein started to pop out from your neck.

"SHUT UP, MONITSU! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!" Inosuke yelled out, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at Zenitsu's face, effectively shutting him up.

Tanjiro could only chuckle nervously, as Inosuke grumbled in irritation and Zenitsu muttering out little whines after Inosuke's outburst.

"We're sorry about that, they're always like that." Tanjiro explained, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Anyway, what a pretty name! It's nice to meet you, [ Y / N ]- san! I hope we can friends!" He exclaimed happily.

You flush at his words and looked down in embarrassment, but then, you paled when realization hit you like a brick.

You never thanked him for saving you.

You whip your head towards the boy, your brows knitted together in determination.

"I never thanked you for saving me, Kamado-san! I am deeply grateful for your generosity! I owe you my life!" you proclaimed and bowed your head, leaving Tanjiro raising his hands in reassurance.

"Oh no, it's fine! Really!" He sweats, "And you can call me Tanjiro, you know!"

After that encounter, you seemed to have grown closer to the trio. During your time in the ward, you spent much of your time talking and joking around. After a while, Inosuke became arrogant and wild, which you discovered was his "natural" self. Often his attempts to pick fights bugs you to no end, and it doesn't stop there as Zenitsu has been even more irritating ever since you first spoke to the Burgundy-haired boy.

"[ Mispronounced Name ]!! I DARE YOU TO FIGHT ME RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!"

"[ Y / N ]- chan~! You look pretty today!"

"COME ON AND LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN TRULY BEAT THE GREAT INOSUKE, [ Mispronounced Name ]!"

"[ Y / N ]-chan, Inosuke is being mean to me again, can you please comfort me?"

"Why are you looking at my face like that, [Mispronounced Name]?!"

"You would marry me, right [ Y / N ]-chan?!"

You pass. No thanks.

As days go by, you and Tanjiro would grow even closer, as your friendship with him continued to grow. He was a very open friend. He's also sweet, caring, charming, not to mention he worries about others before he could even think about himself!

"Inosuke, do you want to eat more? Here! Have some of my Tempura!"

"Zenitsu, please, stop crying! You're getting the poor girls into unnecessary trouble!"

"Oh, you wanted to me to accompany you to Shinobu-san, [ Y / N ]? Sure! I'll be with you all the way!"

God, does this boy do bring a big smile on you face.

He would also tell stories of adventures, describing each event with such vivid detail. You could only listen in awe as he proceeded to tell you how hard he trained in order to join the Demon Slayer Corps.

You gazed in silence as you observed the Tanjiro's calloused hands. He must have endured and suffered so much, maybe even more so than you did. The boy just remained there, a tiny smile on his face as he proceeded to show his hands for you.

You gulp, and averted your gaze from his hands to make eye contact with him.

"It must have been really hard, huh?" You whispered, the corners of your mouth pulled down as you stared at the boy, an unreadable emotion present in your eyes.

Tanjiro only chuckled as he pulled his hands back.

"Yeah, it was really tough. But come to think of it, my hands are proof of all the hard work I've put into being a Demon Slayer. Sure, sometimes I felt like dying and even giving up, but the fact that I've reached where I am now just gives me the confidence to go even further to help those in need. " He explained.

He lifts his hand and glances at it. His eyes were filled with determination as he recalled why he had become a Demon Slayer in the first place. Confidence overtook his expression when he broke his eyes from his palm and smiled at you.

"My hands are a reminder that I will never stop fighting for the safety of humans. I will always protect them, so that they can never witness the kind of horrors that we as demon slayers have to go through."

Your praised his sense of selflessness. In this life full of hardships, it was rare to find somebody as genuine and kind like Tanjiro. It was a trait that you admired wholeheartedly. With him, it seemed like your whole world would light up because of the sheer amount of positivity he would radiate.

It seemed, for a moment, that your dark and cruel world had taken a turn. In the blink of an eye, you've been welcomed with smiles and snippets of joy every time you interact with the boys. Your laughter became more frequent, not a dull hour would pass by, as you would find yourself becoming more fond of the crimson-eyed slayer.

You'd get to learn more about Tanjiro and his history later on. The boy's face would always light up by the mention of his family, and he would still be fond telling stories of his memories of the time they were still alive. The guy's got five siblings! 5!

Now, you truly understood how much patience the boy had with his two companions. Hearing him talking about his family gave you a sad sense of longing, and soon enough, you also opened up to him about how you, too, had a family, and that they were also killed by demons.

You told him stories, memories that just seemed like scattered visions located on a distant shore. You'd feel the sides of your mouth pulling up, your solemn [E / C] eyes showing a nostalgic light in them. Tanjiro would laugh every time you mentioned how much of a rucus your siblings were, would smile at you with delight as you mentioned your everyday life, and would nod in agreement as you recalled of your love-filled memories that happened a long time ago.

It was nice to know, though, that you had someone who could relate to your loss of family.

Speaking of family, you also had the opportunity to meet Nezuko, the little demon sister of Tanjiro. You have to confess that the thought of a demon battling alongside a demon slayer made you laugh at first. There was a reason why you became a demon slayer, and that is to slay any demon you meet in order to protect human beings.

You've been in conflict with the situation for the first few days of getting to know Nezuko. Your instincts were screaming at you to get a sword and just kill her then and there, but you also realized she wasn't like any other demons. If Oyakata-sama seemed to approve of her presence, then maybe you might come to accept her as well.

Tanjiro has taken note of your behavior towards Nezuko, but he can't blame you. Your family was killed by demons, so you had every right to be suspicious of Nezuko. He was grateful, however, that you took restraint and tried to accommodate her, despite his keen sense of smell telling him that you're more than ready to put an end to her demon life.

It seemed like Nezuko also wanted to be your friend. During the nights where you can't sleep, you would always go to the rooftop and gaze at the starry sight above. Not long after you arrive, the demon girl would find you and she would sit beside you, accompanying you the whole time.

The first few times, you were tense towards her. As much as you respect Tanjiro and Oyakata-sama's wishes, her status as a demon still bothered you to no end. Nevertheless, you would just let her accompany her because you knew that she had no malicious intent towards you. She seemed to understand your conflicted feelings towards her, as she would just sit and stare at the sky the entire time the two of you would sit at the roof, never once trying to force you to interact with her.

However, one interaction made you view Nezuko in a whole different light.

You wake up in the middle of the night, whimpering, soaked in cold sweat. You've had another nightmare, a vivid flashback of your mangled family dead in your old home. You sighed softly, and you looked around the ward to see the trio still sleeping soundly. A few minutes pass, and you realized you couldn't fall asleep again right away.

You got out of bed stealthily, and you went to your sanctuary, where you would eventually meet the demon girl again for the hundredth time.

You sat down on the edge dejectedly when you arrived. You've had this same kind of nightmare too many times, but the sight of your family lying helplessly dead in their blood pool always gets to you. Your lower lip quivers, brows buried together as you try to fight back the tears threatening to spill out. You cover your face as you try to calm yourself down, but a hand pats your back to console you.

You're shaking when you turn your head and come face to face with Nezuko. Sadness clouded her eyes, little "mmhm"s coming out of her bamboo muzzle, as if she was trying to say it was all right;

"You're going to be all right."

You looked at her, and wondered, how could a demon look so human? Her hand on your back proceeded to caress you in a circular motion, her eyes held so much compassion and kindness that you almost forgot she was a demon.

But that doesn't matter anymore.

You broke out crying, warm, thick tears falling from your eyes. You hiccuped and sniffled, already racked up with sobs. Nezuko didn't waste any time and embraced you, and you embraced back almost instantly. Your cries echoed in the night sky, and you're weeping so hard that your tears are staining Nezuko's kimono. But the girl never stopped, and she just remained there and comforted you the whole time.

Once you finally calmed down, you sat there for a little longer, gazing up at the night sky. Nezuko was still sitting beside you, just like what she did when she spent time with you on the roof. You pulled your eyes away from the stars, and you gazed at Nezuko. She stared at the tranquility of the stars above and was happy with it. You're sighing softly, now feeling foolish to have ever doubt the girl.

"Nezuko-chan?"

The demon averts her gaze from the sky, and looks at you, her head tilting to the side slightly. Her rose-colored eyes flickering with concern. You gulp, and shamely looked down.

"I'm sorry. For ever doubting you. I guess you really are something special, huh?" You apologized, a flush creeping up to your face as you looked down in embarrassment.

"Mmhm!" Nezuko just hummed, when you looked up to see that she was giving you a happy expression. She put her hand on top of your head and began to rub it in a reassuring manner. You could only just chuckle fondly at her actions.

When she pulled her hand back, it was your turn to pat on her head. Her eyes widened momentarily, before she let out a joyful noise, lifting both of her arms to victory. You chuckled at her adorable shenanigans as you continued to bond with the affectionate demon.

Little do you know, a pair of crimson red eyes gazed at both of you, watching you interact with Nezuko. Tanjiro felt a sense of satisfaction, seeing how much you seem to care for Nezuko now. But he couldn't help but feel a funny sensation in his chest. Seeing all of you happy and treating Nezuko like your own sister made him feel something.

He could only look in admiration as you laughed and played with Nezuko, his sister always happily reciprocating any little pleasant interaction you would have granted her. He smiled, seeing how happy you were and how you seemed to glow under the moonlight.

You looked absolutely beautiful.

Come to think about it, he grew rather fond of you these past few weeks. The way you would light up at a joke, the way you would scrunch up your face with irritation, and even the way where you would listen to him with such concentration when he's reminiscing about his family seemed to make him feel funny and warm all over. Your little actions and quirks had Tanjiro hooked, and with every little adorable action you do, it would make the burgundy-haired boy grow even fonder for you.

It also didn't help that when he found you at Mt. Natagumo, his initial thought was, well, that you looked very pretty. Although, he suppressed this thoughts towards you because, well, you were such in a rough state and he was beyond worried. It was not the time to be a Zenitsu when you were hurting so much!

Wait, pretty? Fondness? Affection???

Tanjiro looked away from the wonderful sight, and proceeded to run back to the ward. His face reddened and he put a hand on his chest. His heart was beating like crazy! He couldn't believe what he was feeling towards the [ H / C ]-haired girl!

As he arrived, he instantly covered his face with his blanket, trying to make sense of the warm, fuzzy feeling he would get every time he thought of you.

He couldn't help but think of your wonderful smile. God, how much he had grown to love your smile! And the way your eyes would flutter, the way you giggle at even the most ridiculous joke, and how you would just- ugh!

He could only cover his face with his hands in embarrassment as he proceeded to have sweet yet confusing thoughts about you. He felt he was going mad, and he's trying to make sense of his emotions towards you.

He realizes something in the midst of his breakdown. He recalls how the couples at Asakusa would intertwine with each other, how Kazumi cried out for his deceased fiance, and the memory of how his mother and father would look at each other with such devotion and tenderness while overlooking him and his siblings. The way all the couples portrayed themselves in his life reminded him of how he would think and feel about you.

He widened his eyes as a quick gasp escaped his lips. His face flushed more and more out from the revelation as he desperately tried to calm himself down from the intense surge of emotions overwhelming him.

And in that moment, it was clear.

That he, Tanjiro Kamado, now wished the whole world for [ Y / N ] [ L / N ].

#tanjiro x reader #tanjirou x reader #tanjiro kamado x reader #tanjirou kamado x reader #demon slayer x reader #kny x reader #kimetsu no yaiba x reader #kimetsu no yaiba #demon slayer #demon slayer imagines #tanjiro kamado #tanjirou kamado #kamado tanjiro #kamado tanjirou #kny #kimetsu no yaiba tanjirou #reader insert #oneshot #kimetsu no yaiba imagines

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angstsfordays · 4 years

Text

Stay With Me

Summary: You liked Steve. No, you still like Steve. When you finally confessed, he could not give you a definite answer. Your heart broke. But what happens when you came face to face with Steve the very next day, only this time he wasn’t really your Steve….

Pairing: Steve rogers x Enhanced!reader (Y/N)

Warnings: FLUFF. ANGST. MORE FLUFF. AND PERHAPS TEARS. A couple of swear words. Death.

Word count: 8987

Notes: HI EVERYBODY! This is my first Marvel fanfiction! I wrote fanfics before, but I have always been much more of a reader. After a 1.5 year hiatus, I felt compelled to write again. Hope everyone enjoys this piece. I still am trying to establish myself as a rookie writer.

This is AU and doesn’t fall in any of the MCU timeline. Let’s just assume that the world is currently at peace from Thanos and this is just set in an everyday Avengers timeline. A like, reblog or comment will be deeply appreciated :)

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You woke up with an unnerving feeling in your chest. You wondered why and then you were reminded of the day before. You had confessed to Steve. Yes that Steve, the Steve Rogers. Captain America. Your boss. Your hopeless crush. You joined the Avengers not too long ago. It had been over two years. You were an agent of SHIELD, but more importantly an enhanced individual.

You always had your powers since you were young but hid it to blend in. When you’re 20, you used your powers for the first time to save someone in danger. You ended up on SHIELD’s radar and then recruited into the academy.

You undergone training to become a SHIELD operative under Phil Coulson’s tutelage and was recognised to be an outstanding agent. However, more so often, you were not a stickler for rules and had gone off book several times in operations.

This placed you on a thin line to getting kicked out of the academy, but you always had the backing of Phil who grown a soft spot. You reminded him of his younger days and also his fellow colleague, Melinda May whom put the interests of saving lives at the forefront in their work.

When the Battle of New York happened, you were broken. Mainly because you lost your mentor and your dearest friend. You were teetering on quitting when Phil died in the line of duty. Director Fury pulled you back, reminding you of Phil’s sacrifice and how Phil thought the world of you, feeling that you had much potential to unfold. You continued working under Director Fury’s orders, working on special missions.

When SHIELD was taken down by HYDRA from the inside, you didn’t know who to trust. All you knew was that Director Fury had seemingly been assassinated. You wanted to find out what happened, but plans deviated when you realised you were on HYDRA’s radar. Your powers were of great interest to them and you were wanted. You had to abandon the place you felt like home and went into hiding.

A couple of years later, you resurfaced. You found yourself facing the Avengers while they were on a mission. No you were fighting not against them, instead you stumbled upon them while you were on the run. That’s when you saw Steve Rogers for the first time. It didn’t feel like the first time though.

Perhaps it was because you heard so much about him from Phil that you felt you already knew him. A smile formed on your face when you recalled Phil’s rambling of his love for the war hero. It was one of those moments when you saw him as the real Phil, and not just Agent Coulson- your supervising officer.

A HYDRA agent was going to aim for Steve from a hidden spot and you almost flew in to intervene. You knocked out the agent with your gloved fists engulfed in high density energy. You remembered staring into the sparkling blue eyes of Steve Rogers for the first time. His eyes widened at the sight of you- wondering who you were and what were you doing.

You heard backup coming and the two of you fought off a couple more HYDRA agents together. It was as if you had been working together your whole life, the two of you fought in sync. You covered for him and he did so for you. There was an unspoken synergy that happened between you two. When the last HDYRA agent went down, you two finally looked at each other once more. Panting and out of breath, you hunched over trying to catch your breath.

You heard his footsteps coming closer, as if to check on you. You looked up at him, and he took his helmet off. His crop but luscious blonde locks fell over.

“Hey, are you alright-” You heard his voice for the first time. It was not really; you had seen him before and heard him before. You remembered the video clips that were played in classes at the academy. SHIELD was founded on the legacy of Captain America afterall. But this was different. You heart started to beat wildly, knowing that he was speaking to you.

“Steve, are you alright?” Another voice appeared. It was familiar. You two both spun your heads in the same direction to see a scarlet head emerging in your sight. Natasha Romanoff. You had seen her before back at SHIELD. Phil had worked together with her and Agent Barton several times. You were introduced once to them before as his mentee.

“Who’s that with you?” She spoke once more. You started to panic, what was this situation with you, Captain America and Black Widow? You were supposed to be in hiding from the HYDRA operatives that came to capture you. Should you seek refuge with the Avengers? Would they keep you safe? You were not a hundred percent sure. You felt that you were still safest alone.

That’s why you decided to take flight. Literally. Because with your powers, you managed to push yourself off the ground and into the air, landing far away from where the two avenger members were.

The next time you saw Steve was in your apartment. You came home to see him standing in your kitchen. You dropped your bag of groceries and let out a scream that would have your neighbours appalled. Your powers came out almost immediately in defense and Steve had to duck when a shot of energy aimed at the kitchen cabinet behind him.

He raised both his hands in defense and assured he meant no harm. He explained that Natasha had helped him to track you down. He understood your situation and offered you a place in the Avengers compound. No more hiding and no more fear of surviving.

All previous resistance thrown out of the window, the sincerity in his eyes and voice won you over almost immediately. You knew not to trust people easily, that much Phil has taught you but how could you not when it was Steve Rogers.

So you then found yourself becoming a part of the Avengers. You blended into the group seamlessly, like you were an old-time friend. You had gotten closer to Natasha who was once an intimidating senior agent in your eyes. You became fast friends with Wanda whom you bonded over the love of food. More so of her cooking and you being the taste tester.

Sam and Bucky welcomed you into their group especially when you find yourself the buffer between their bickering. You always went along with Tony Stark’s antics and he saw you as a little sister. Bruce and you have a polite relationship, not having much in common but you still got along with him in the group.

Vision and you have a pretty interesting relationship, you found yourself as a life sensei to him whenever he was curious about the human way of life. You only met Thor a few times but you two had a friendly relationship whenever he visited Earth. He felt like another older brother to you.

Now. Where does that leave Steve Rogers? The man who brought you into this new life. You regarded him as your leader, captain and comrade. You wanted to impress him especially since he offered you a new chance in life. You always made sure you did your best during missions so as not to disappoint him. You wanted to be in his good books. You wanted him to like you as a teammate and maybe more?

You didn’t know when you started to have feelings for the American hero, but you believed it was gradual.

When you saw him in the morning eating disgusting plain oats, you offered to whip up some fluffy blueberry pancakes (which you learnt how to from Wanda). When you see his brows knitted to get his Netflix account created, you chuckled and decided to help the poor guy out. When he found in himself from unwanted attention at Tony’s gatherings, you slid in smoothly between him and the other party, coming up with smooth lies to help him out of an awkward bind.

You didn’t know why you wanted to do all of those things. Were you being nice? Or perhaps you wanted to be nice to him? He was on your mind most of the time. How can I make a good impression? How can I get closer to him? Your mind was always boggling with such thoughts.

Whenever he was in the room, your eyes always wandered off to him. You tried to subtly get closer to him- sitting beside him during movie nights, sitting across him during meetings. It was those little things that made you feel like you could signal your presence to him. You wanted him to notice you just as much you did for him. Of course, these things did not go unnoticed. Unfortunately, not by said man himself but everyone else in your inner circle.

Natasha caught your longing look at Steve one movie night, and she smirked to herself. She nudged your hips the next morning in the kitchen when Steve walked into the room. She gave you an all-knowing smile and your eyes widened in horror. How? You mouthed the word to her, and she just shrugged while looking all smug.

Wanda was the next one to know you both baked together for Valentine’s Day. You two were baking for everyone in the team. You decided to make a special cookie, she noted. One in the shape of a heart and with familiar colours of red, white and blue icing. Steve, Bucky and Sam were walking in from their workout in the gym when they smelt the scent of freshly baked goods.

Sam’s hands were reaching out for your special cookie when you turned your back to wash your hands in the sink. You let out a shrill scream of horror when you saw Sam picking it up and bringing it closer to his lips.

“STOP RIGHT THERE!” The three soldiers almost jumped back at your voice and Sam raised his other hand in surrender. You took your cookie out of his hands and dusted it off as if his touch sullied the baked biscuit.

“This is not yours, Sam. You can have those.” You pointed over to the other batch of cookies. They were all smaller in sizes, in the regular circular shape with generic red and pink icing drawn in heart shapes on the surface.

“What? Then the heck it that cookie for?” Sam retorted, almost offended.

You grinned sheepishly when you directed your eyes at a certain blonde soldier. Your previous bravado shaken as you tried to find your voice to speak. You swore your hands were trembling and you tried hard to not break the palm sized heart shaped cookie in your hands.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, Steve. I uh made this for you.” Yes. You got the words out. The expressions on the faces of the other three people in the room would have been hilarious but they were not in your sight. You only had eyes for one person.

“What? How come he gets a special cookie from the rest of us? Now that’s just discrimination.” Sam quipped. Bucky shook his head like he could not believe how dumb Sam could even be. Wanda had to bite her lips back, when she realised what was going on all along. Oh my dear Y/N…she thought.

“Would you accept my it?” You added nervously when you noticed Steve did not give a response.

“Uh, thank you Y/N. That’s really nice of you.” Steve answered as politely as he usually did and took the cookie from your hands. When Steve just stopped at that response, Bucky looked like he was going to die from the stupidity of the men in the room except for him. Bucky also knew there and then what was happening. He could not believe his best friend was so oblivious.

“Hey, that’s unfair. I want one.” Sam whined almost like a child. Bucky face palmed himself and grunted.

You were a little disappointed at Steve’s response, nice of you? Urgh, you secretly wished he had more to say. Did you put him on a spot in front of his friends? How stupid could you have gotten?

“Fine fine, geez I will make a falcon-themed one for you, You big baby.” You huffed in annoyance, but also to mainly mask your disappointment. You quickly grabbed a piping bag. “Would you like one too, Bucky?” You mustered a smile on your face to make it seem like you were not affected by Steve’s response at all. Bucky gave you a look like he knew- he knew what’s up and he gave you a sorry look.

“Sure doll, I would love one.” Bucky said in hopes of making you feel better. You felt a hand on your shoulder and turned to see Wanda to give you a comforting smile. You fought to hold back the tears welling up in your eyes.

But that was not your actual confession to Steve.———————————————————————

That time came during an Avenger’s game night. The team was playing truth and dare Jenga. It was your turn and you hoped you gotten something that would not be too difficult to do.

“Tell the person across you something that you always wanted to say to them.”

You looked up immediately and were met with cerulean blue eyes. Your breath hitched when you realised who it was.

You cursed in your head and perhaps even muttered it under your breath. You felt the eyes of the rest of your teammates intently on you. After a minute, Tony started to get impatient.

“Come on kid, what do you want to say to Capsicle? There should be plenty right? If not drink up.” Oh boy, if only Tony knew. You looked nervously elsewhere and locked eyes with Natasha beside you. Your eyes then fleet towards Wanda who looked concerned and then to Bucky who almost looked nervous for you. Your legs were getting jumpy and then your hands lunged forward to grab the bottle of whiskey in front of you.

A series of ‘Nos’ came up, but you couldn’t hear them clearly as you drowned down the liquid. It tasted like fire down your throat and it almost burned. You stumbled backwards as you tried to recover your footing.

“Really, Y/N? You rather drink up than say something to Cap?” Tony jested. “By the way, you just drank Thor’s special Asgardian liquor by mistake.”

“What?” You let out a loud exclamation and you turned the bottle to see a flask bottle that you recognised to have been Thor’s.

“Oh boy.” A sudden wave of adrenaline surged through you and you had to close your eyes to gain your bearings once more. You opened your eyes to meet Steve’s eyes once more. You did not know what was happening next. The words left your mouth before you could even formulate it in your head.

“I LIKE YOU SO MUCH!” What was going on? You didn’t mean to say this out loud?! Why were you even saying it? You already drank to pass saying the truth. Why couldn’t you control yourself?

“I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU, STEVE ROGERS.” You declared your love once more and you were shocked by your boldness. Everyone else was reeling in their seats as they looked at the situation unfolding in front of them. Tony Stark could be seen muffling his laughter at Y/N’s antic while a blonde soldier, who was at the end of the confession remained stiff in expression.

“CAN’T YOU HEAR MY HEART?” Your speech was slurred as you brought your hand to clutch the side of your shirt where your heart was.

“You have super hearing, right? Can’t you hear my heart beating like crazy? Whenever I’m around you, I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest because I like you much!” Your mouth continued to blabber, but your mind was reeling. Control yourself Y/N! You willed yourself but you couldn’t. Stupid Asgardian alcohol.

“I can’t hide it anymore. I need to let you know! I need to let the whole word know!” You flailed your hands out in motion. “Do you know how much it hurts to like you and not letting you know? I need to get this off my chest. Right here and right now!” You put a foot up on the table and stretched your hand out to point at Steve Rogers.

“Steve Rogers! Do you want to go out with me?” You asked boldly, not caring a hoot about everyone in the room. Your mind was chastising you for being foolish, but your heart felt fulfilled from doing what it always wanted to do.

There were gasps from people in the room. A series of ‘oh my god’ and suppressed laughter from others. Sam’s jaw looked like it was going to drop to the floor. Tony at this moment couldn’t hold back himself and howled. He needed to take a swig of booze to continue watching this. Bucky looked over to his best pal who looked like he didn’t want to be anywhere else but here.

Both Natasha and Wanda had worried expressions. They were glad you were able to confess but they also knew this was not the way you would want it to go. Vision and Bruce looked like they couldn’t believe what was happening in front of their eyes.

Steve Rogers was at a loss. The last thing he expected was a confession from you. Steve was not sure how to respond. He liked you alright, but he wasn’t sure if he liked you as much as you to him. He always seen you as a friend and teammate.

He remembered how shy you were when first joined. You were wary of everything, and it was normal. He read up on your profile. He was surprised to learn you were under Agent Phil Coulson’s personal tutelage. He knew the man and thought highly of him. Natasha gave in her input, remembering you were a spunky and enthusiastic rookie agent who always seemed to put in her best efforts.

When he realised you had been on the run from HYDRA because of your powers, he knew he had to step in. It was only the right thing to do. When he first saw you, he was taken aback at the girl who covered for him. You didn’t have to. If you did, you exposed yourself to the risk of your location to HYDRA. And when the two of you fought hand in hand, he felt a weird sense of camaraderie he did not expect to find in someone he met for the first time.

He remembered when you accepted his offer, he offered his hand but instead you pulled in for a hug. He was taken aback but gave in when he felt you shaking in his arms. You let out muffled cries and Steve could feel your sense of relief that you didn’t need to hide anymore. You were safe and he would keep you safe.

You opened up to the rest of the team almost instantly, your easy-going nature made everyone comfortable about you. You had an effortless way of getting along with people and you soon became an indispensable part of the team.

However, Steve started to notice while you were getting closer with everyone, he could feel like you were keeping a distance from him. While you were still friendly with him, he could not help but to feel that you showed hesitance around him.

Sure enough, you always did nice things for him, but Steve could not help but feel you were always guarded around him. You were unafraid to be silly and goofy around the rest of the team, but he could sense you always wanted to present a good image whenever he’s around.

When you were not looking, he could see you making faces to Sam across the room when meetings get boring and draggy. It was one late night, both you and Bucky could not sleep, and you offered to help Bucky with his nightmares when Steve happened to pass by the common kitchen.

The look of excitement when you brought out an entire tea set and assortment of tea selection laid on the table. “You should give up on coffee from now on. Tea is the way to go!” You said in a matter of fact tone. You went on to talk about the benefits of tea and how they helped you especially in the line of work you were all involved in.

You went on to brew actual tea leaves for Bucky, claiming it was even better than putting a sachet in a cup of hot water. Steve couldn’t help but smile at the lengths you went for Bucky. It was nice to see Bucky having another friend aside from himself and occasionally Sam.

Steve didn’t know how long he was staring but he was snapped out of it when Bucky called him out from where he was hiding behind the wall. When your head snapped to see Steve, your carefree smile dropped and became one that was more reserved.

“Uh, hey Steve.” You greeted him. “Tea?” You asked him as you held up the pot. Sure why not, Steve thought.

The three of you began to have a heart to heart late night talk. Your enthusiasm from earlier mellowed but you still talked easily with Bucky and him. Steve noticed your eyes were always looking towards Bucky. Did you like him? Steve saw you throwing glances every now and then, but you kept your eyes on Bucky, as if wanting to avoid having to look at him. You laughed easily at Bucky’s sardonic humour and even rested your head on his arm a couple of times in affection.

You had to like Bucky right? Steve never seen you so close to another guy in the team, except for Tony and Sam whom he knew you had sibling like relationships with. Steve knew it, Bucky always got the girl.

Even back in the 30s’. Bucky had an effortless charm about him, and even after all he had gone through, he never lost his appeal. Steve knew about the glances that some of the female staff in the compound had whenever Bucky stepped into the room.

Steve suddenly felt like the scrawny kid back in Brooklyn. The one who always gotten put aside. The one who was always forgotten. Even after the serum, Steve felt like this from time to time. Steve did know he had gotten more attractive with his increased height and bigger build, but he couldn’t help to wonder if that was all he had.

He was aware of the looks he received by female staff too in the Avengers compound, but he was also aware that they were attracted to Captain America and not Steve Rogers.

Steve felt like you weren’t like the rest. Sure, you did nice things for him and smiled at him everytime you two met, but Steve felt like you were genuine. Yes, they were more muted than what you did for the rest of the team, but he did felt you were not just fawning over him. You were just nice like that.

He did secretly hoped you could be less guarded around him though. Was he intimidating? Was he not approachable? Steve thought long and hard about this once in a while.

Back to the confession, Steve could not believe what he was hearing. You liked him all this while? It wasn’t Bucky? But how? But why? He thought you liked Bucky for sure! And here you are, declaring your crush for him in front of everyone like it was nothing. Yes, you did drink Thor’s special mead but it was a complete flip of how you usually were around him.

What was he supposed to say? You were drunk. Steve didn’t even know if you were even thinking straight. But your eyes. Your eyes were boring straight to his and he realised this was the longest that you have looked him in the eyes without shying away.

“Come on, Rogers. Don’t leave a girl hanging. Give her an answer.” Tony egged on, the only one amused in this entire situation.

“I-uh…” Steve looked to his best pal and Bucky could only returned a look that said ‘It’s all up to you, punk’.

“Y/N, you are drunk. You should return to your room.” Steve instantly regretted his words when he saw the sullen look on your face. You looked like you were crushed, and he felt horrible.

“I’m not drunk!” You retorted almost defiantly. “I’m wide awake. I’m woke.” You claimed.

“Do you not like me? Am I that unlikable?” You added on in a whimpering tone. You turned to your side and grabbed Bucky by the collar.

“Why? Why does he not like me?” You cried almost like a child who didn’t get she wanted. Bucky decided to intervene and hoist you over his shoulders. “Okay time for you to be in bed.”

“Put me down Bucky! I am perfectly capable of walking. I don’t want my face to meet your ass!” You fought back as you started throwing fists at Bucky’s backside to get him to let you down. You didn’t remember the events of that night after Bucky dropped you on your bed. You did have an inkling memory of Wanda and Natasha helping you get ready for bed.

———————————————————————

Shit, you thought. Every memory came back rushing back to you and you squished your face to the pillow. You didn’t want to face the music. You didn’t even want to step out of your room to face the consequences of your drunkenness. What have you done? Every last possibility of your relationship with Steve had been tossed out the window.

Should you quit? Pack up and run away? You didn’t think you could ever stand to be around him anymore. Your mind then wandered to the pounding headache from the hangover you acquired. You turned your face to the side to see a glass of water and two aspirin pills. You wandered who left them there. Must be either Wanda or Nat.

You took the pills and down them with the glass of water. You sat up to get your bearings and let out a sigh. Woah, you stunk of alcohol. A bath sounded nice at this moment. You dragged yourself with every ounce of energy left in your body and struggled to fill the tub with warm water. You didn’t know how you managed but you went over to your cabinet to grab some relaxing essential oils to be added into your bath.

Yes that bath was helpful indeed. After you rinsed off, you changed into a long-sleeved cropped Henley and loose sweats. You were drying your hair as you mulled over what happened last night.

What were you supposed to do? You could feel the hunger growling in your stomach. You asked Friday for the time and it was well over 2pm. You then asked for the locations of everyone in the team. If you wanted to avoid social interactions, you needed to come up with a plan. Bucky and Sam were training new recruits. Nat, Wanda and Vision were out while Tony ad Bruce were in the lab. Steve was in his office.

That sounded good, you could sneak into the kitchen, make a sandwich or something and get the hell out in 10 minutes tops. As quickly as you could, you made sure to make a sound even while sprinting to the kitchen. When you assessed that the coast was clear, you quickly opened the fridge and cabinets to take out what you want.

You messily put a sandwich together and even grabbed an instant ramen bowl. You placed everything on a tray and quickly returned to your room. You wolfed down on the sustenance as if you didn’t eat for days. The soup from the ramen cured was a warm welcome for your stomach. You placed your tray aside and lay on your bed. What next?

You walked over to the toilet to relieve yourself once more when you suddenly felt the ground shaking. You shot up in surprise and quickly cleaned up.

“Friday, what happened?” You asked worriedly.

“There has been an explosion down in lab beside the garage.” Friday answered immediately.

“Are Tony and Bruce okay?” You asked after the Science bros.

“Yes, their vitals show no danger. However, Captain Rogers was also present when the explosion occurred.” Steve was there too?

“I cannot detect his-” Friday spoke once more, but you didn’t hear the end of it as your door flew open and you raced down to the lab.

Tony and Bruce came into view as they stood around the weird panels in the lab. There was a faint smoke in the air.

“Woah what happened?” You could hear Sam’s voice behind you, and you turned to see Bucky present too. The three of you walked over to the scene hurriedly to examine what happened.

“Where’s Steve? I heard he was also-” Your sentence was interrupted by a coughing. The voice sounded familiar, but something was different. The smoke cleared to reveal….

“Yo Steve, what happened?!” Sam exclaimed at the sight standing in front of him. All eyes turned to see Steve Rogers only much much older in physical appearance. It would match with his actual age but you couldn’t believe your eyes.

The Steve in front of you looked shocked at the sight of everyone. He also had a look of longing like he had not seen everyone in a long time.

“Shit, we made Cap old!” Tony gasped aloud.

“Steve, you there?” Bucky stepped forward to place his hands on the shoulder of his old friend. Your attention was brought to the height difference. Steve was no longer the same height range as Bucky. He in fact, looked smaller. His grey hair was combed neatly and you could see the wrinkles adorned on his face. His blue eyes were still sparkling, you thought. Steve was dressed warmly in several layers on top and he turned his head slowly to take in his surroundings.

His eyes landed on you and started to panic. Last night’s events came rushing back to you and you then realised you didn’t want to face him. You turned your heels to leave immediately but you were stopped in your tracks.

“Wait, Y/N. Please don’t go.” The voice that came out of him sounded so frail that to didn’t had the heart to continue walking.

Your body turned back to face future Steve and he was slowly making his way to you. As you got closer, you realised the two of you were almost of the same height. Future Steve went in for a hug without any other words. Though he was much smaller, his hug was still firm. Your eyes widened at his actions and you awkwardly returned it with your arms wrapped under his arms.

“It’s so good to see you again. I missed you so much.” Future Steve muttered as he leaned his face into the crook of your neck. His voice shook almost like he was holding back tears.

“Again? What do you mean again?” Bruce took the words right out of your mouth. Steve reluctantly let go of you and turned to face the rest of the people in the room.

“What year is this?” Future Steve asked. Bruce gave the answer to which future Steve let out a short laugh.

“That long, huh. 50 years I see.” He spoke once more.

“50 years? Wait a minute, are you from the future?” Sam asked incredulously. Future Steve didn’t gave an answer but the silence that followed confirmed our suspicions.

“So if Cap here is from 50 years into the future, where does leave the Cap in our timeline?” Tony inquired. Old Steve gave a shrug.

“You always make the impossible seem possible, Tony.”

“Perhaps, they switched places.” Bruce deduced. He then went on rambling how Tony and himself were experimenting with the idea of time travel and different universe. The original Steve was walking in to talk to Tony when the blast had happened and he got caught in it, which all led to the current situation.

“Can we get him back?” Bucky spoke up, looking over to long-time friend.

“We can try but we will need time to work out the mechanics and see when we have gone wrong. We cannot guarantee how long it would take.” Bruce answered.

“Friday, you got all of this on tape right? I cannot wait to show out Cap this footage when he gets back.” Tony jested and you turned to him with an annoyed expression.

“This is serious Tony. You better fix this!”

“Geez kid, cut me some slack.” He rolled his eyes. “So what are we going to do with this Cap?” He pointed over to the future Steve standing beside me.

“We can take him back to the common room, let him get comfortable while you fix your machine. Best to not let anyone else know about this outside of our circle.” Bucky remarked before gesturing for Steve to follow him. Sam was still reeling in surprise as he assessed future Steve.

You stood rooted to the ground, unsure what to do. Should you follow Sam and Bucky with future Steve? You were still haunted by what happened last night. Well this Steve didn’t know what happened, but you couldn’t help but to feel embarrassed still.

“Y/N, are you coming?” Bucky offered you to join. You were about to reject his offer, make up an excuse to go back to your room when someone grabbed hold of your hand.

You looked to see future Steve holding your hand gently with his wrinkled hands. You could feel the blood rushing to your cheeks and ears. He was gazing into your eyes with a shy smile.

“Walk with me?” He asked and you swore you wanted to melt into a puddle.

“Me?” You were sure you looked confused at the transition of what was happening. Future Steve chuckled and continued walking on, pulling you with him. Bucky who witnessed this smiled to himself and Sam continued to look baffled at everything.

His hand felt warm and soft, you thought. Unconsciously, your other hand went to hold his arm. You were shy to meet future Steve’s gaze especially since you were now the same height as him. It was much more intense than looking at him now.

All of you walked silently to the common room. Everyone sat around the dining table, you offered to make coffee but future Steve held onto your hand as you stood up to walk over to the pantry.

“I would like some tea, if you don’t mind. The one with actual leaves and not just the tea bag.” His face crinkled as he smiled at you.

“Uh sure- you two want some coffee?” You turned to the other two soldiers. The two went along with Steve’s request for tea and you went to find the tea set stored in the cabinet.

You placed the tea set in the centre of the table. It was a clay tea set that was gifted to you by your Bucky as your Secret Santa last Christmas. Nat and Wanda gave their input on the design.

You got the boiled water ready to rinse the teapot and cups. Following this you started to brew the tea as you added the tea leaves into the pot and added the hot water. You rinsed the first batch of brewed tea once before making the second batch that was prepared for drinking.

You were honestly nervous even though you done this hundreds of times. Somehow having future Steve watching over you made you wary of your movements. There was a good few minutes of silence before you poured the tea into the small teacups and offering it to everyone. Future Steve appreciated the teacup in his hands before blowing on it and taking a sip.

“Y/N, it always tastes the best when you made it.” Future Steve turned to me again with a sweet smile. Shit, Steve was still adorable even beyond his years. Calm down your heart, Y/N!

“So Cap, what’s life like 50 years down the road?” Sam decided to break the ice. Future Steve laughed at his bluntness before answering. It felt like nothing changed. Even while this Steve has aged, the three soldiers fell back into easy conversation.

Sam was curious about himself and tried to pry information out of future Steve. Future Steve warned that knowing the future may not be a good idea. He did throw in several teasing remarks that Sam and Bucky will continue to argue in their old age in front of their grandchildren.

Bucky was surprised that he would even have his own family in the future. He was about to ask Steve about his own when Bucky’s eyes wandered to Steve’s left hand, a silver band resting on one of his fingers.

“Guess we’re not the only ones who had our own families.” Bucky remarked smugly as he nodded his head to future Steve’s wedding band. Future Steve thumbed over his wedding band before sneaking a glance over to you.

“Well, uh-yes I did. But-” The idea of Steve married was not impossible, I mean after all he was such a great catch. You were pretty sure Steve finally gotten a nice girl to settle down with. The gnawing feeling in your chest returned. Damn, this hurts more than you thought. You just wished Steve had a happy and fulfilling life.

You stood up abruptly from your seat, almost seething with jealousy. You couldn’t help it. The feelings from yesterday were still raw and you couldn’t handle the truth if future Steve were to talk about his happy married life.

Your abrupt action caused the chair to screech as it was pushed back. You felt the eyes of all three soldiers on you and you hasten to collect the tea set to mask your reaction. You hurriedly walked over to the sink to wash your tea set, leaving it to air dry.

“I’m going off for a walk. See you boys later.” You quickly waved off before you transitioned to a brisk walk to the elevator. When you exit one of the doors of the compound, you headed straight for the clearing near the lake. It was your secret spot that you had claimed as your own. You always came here when your mind and heart were heavy.

You had a bench secretly installed so that you could sit there and gaze into the sunset on occasions. You remembered ordering it on Tony’s card and had to bring it out to the clearing when everyone was still asleep in the early morning, You laughed silently at your own antics.

You laid on your side on the bench, propping your head up with your arms and you dazed off into the lake in front of you. You didn’t know how long you were lying down but you wished you had brought your phone and earpiece to pass the time.

“I guess even the serum cannot help me at this age. Way to make an old man come after you, Y/N.” Your ears perked up at his voice and in a moment of surprise, rolled forward and off the bench.

“What the fu-” You exclaimed when your body hit the ground.

“Language. Although, many reminders wouldn’t have stopped you anyway.” You couldn’t believe who had followed you to your secret spot. Moreover, how did he know? Even Friday didn’t know! Or did she?

“Steve? What are you doing here?” You asked in a panic as you gathered yourself, brushing the dirt off your knees and elbows.

“Are you alright? That was not a pretty fall.” Future Steve now stood in front of you, his eyes were worried and concerned. His hands reached out to examine the extent of your injuries and was relieved to know that they were nothing major.

“How did you know I will be here? Nobody knows about this spot except for me.” You said.

“Well doll, you were not that subtle moving the bench across the hallway at 5am. Besides, I was already awake at that time” He spoke in a fond tone as he recalled the memory. “Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to follow the girl who was carrying a bench larger than herself.”

You cringed at the exposure of your secret and grimaced at how foolish you must have been in Steve’s eyes.

“I won’t blame you for keeping this place a secret. It is beautiful.” Future Steve spoke with a lingering gaze towards the lake and the surrounding flora. He then gestured for you to sit beside him and you reluctantly did, unsure of what to do either. You made sure that there was a gap between the two of you. You looked anywhere else except for him and didn’t what to say in the following silence.

“What would it take for you to look at me? Am I that unlikeable in your eyes?” Future Steve first broke the silence.

“No, I would never!” You immediately countered. You were shocked at how loud you were and reminded yourself to calm the f down. “I mean who would not like you?!” You gestured dramatically as your hands moved up and down at him. Steve inched closer to you and placed his hands over yours where were resting on your lap.

“I am glad to hear that, Y/N.” You looked into his eyes and had to avert them immediately before you feel like your heart would explode. You looked down to see his wedding band in your lap and you were reminded once more of what made you came out to the lake in the first place.

“Hopefully, Tony and Bruce can come up with a way to get you back to your time. I’m sure you’re missing your family.” You said to future Steve to which he shook his head.

“Not really actually. It’s nice to see all of you young again, reminds me of the good times where we were all together. I lost some people in my time and am glad to see them once again.”

“Oh, did we not all live to an old age like you?” Future Steve’s jaw clenched at your remark and you immediately realised you hit a nerve. “I’m so sorry-” You started apologising before future Steve waved you off, reassuring that it was fine. You could feel the grip of his hands tightened around yours.

“You must have been shocked to see me like this.” Future Steve looked over at himself.

“Shock would not have been the word, surprised was more accurate.” I corrected him.

“Still, you couldn’t have believed that the big and strong Captain America actually looked like this in his old age, right? The serum’s effects waned as I got older in age. I still am strong for someone my age, but my physique reverted back to my pre-serum days.” Future Steve said despondently.

“Hey, don’t say! Who cares about Captain America?” You retorted at his words. “All I see is adorable grandpa Steve Rogers. You’re way cuter like this!” You even emphasized your point when you grabbed his arm and laid your head on his shoulders. If it was the current Steve, you wouldn’t have dared to do any of this. But this Steve right here surprisingly made you feel comfortable around him.

You were still nervous knowing that he was still Steve, but somehow future Steve looked less intimidating.

“You’re still the same as ever. I missed you so much.” Future Steve brought your hands up to lips for a kiss. Now this shocked you as you couldn’t help but feel that this gesture meant more. You quickly withdrew your hands and saw the crestfallen look on his face.

“Look, Steve. I really appreciate you, but I don’t think this is appropriate.” The expression on his face told you he was hurt by your words. “You’re married, Steve.” You pointed to his wedding band.

Future Steve looked down to his wedding band and then his eyes went back to you. A ghost of a smile formed on his face and he shook his head. “I’m sorry if I came off weird. It’s just been such a long time since I saw you- I mean the younger version of you. My emotions took over, I apologise.”

“No-no don’t be sorry. I understand, sort of.” You rubbed the back of your ned in awkwardness. After a while, the two of you decided to head back to the compound. Future Steve offered you his arm and you took it as the both of you enjoyed the walk back in comfortable silence.

“Hey old man, Bruce and I might have figured it out. I think we can send you back.” You and future Steve looked at each other, both sending unwilling looks as if your time together was too short.

“I guess this is goodbye.” You said in a disappointed tone.

“It’s alright, love. I promise we will see each other again.” Future Steve cradled your face with one of his hands. You wondered what he meant, and did he just called you love?!

Future Steve went over to say goodbye to Bucky and Sam, giving each other hugs and claps on the back. Future Steve gave a small salute to Tony and Bruce to which they returned with a nod. He walked over to a raised platform and shifted in his feet to get comfortable. He looked over you once more.

You didn’t know why but you started to have tears forming in your eyes. You hesitantly raise your hands to give a weak wave. Future Steve smiled fondly and returned the gesture. He started to mouth words in your direction but before you could figure out what you wanted to say, a blinding light took over.

You shield your eyes from the light and turned sideways as you felt a rush of smoke and wind. You blinked your eyes repeatedly as you take in the sight before you. Gone was future Steve and…..

“Welcome back Cap!” Sam exclaimed excitedly at seeing his friend again.

“Quick question, Rogers. Where were you?” Tony chimed in as he walked over to Steve. “We met an older version of you 50 years down the road.” Tony replied and he waved up a screen to show a photo of future Steve in the garage with everyone.

“Oh I was somewhere, but it didn’t look like it was far off from this era. Everything looked the same. I wasn’t sure where I was until I saw a date somewhere.” Steve seemed like he was trying to phrase his response carefully and he looked back at Tony.

His eyes then swerved over to where Bucky, Sam and you were standing. He started striding forward and you were sure he was going over to Bucky and Sam. Your feet decided to shuffle backwards once you recalled what happened between you and this version of Steve just yesterday. You made to turn back when you felt yourself being pulled back into an embrace.

You were pushed against a solid mass of muscle; you didn’t need to look up because you knew who it was. Steve wrapped his arms tightly around you, seeming to not let you go anytime soon.

“Stefve-” Your voice was muffled against his shirt. You weren’t sure where to place your hands and you were sure it could have felt your heart being wildly against his own chest. Steve placed his head in the crook of your neck and took in a deep breath before sighing. Talk about déjà vu.

You looked over to see the rest of the guys in the garage staring on with bambi eyes. You gestured a wave towards Bucky, signalling for help. You weren’t ready for this Steve at all!

“What’s with the Capsicles hugging Y/N today?” Tony quipped from the side.

You didn’t know how long it was but knew it was long enough for a hug to turn awkward. You tried to place your hands between Steve and yourself to create distance.

“Steve, what’s wrong?” Your voice came out squeaky as you willed yourself to look into his eyes. You were surprised to see Steve’s eyes looking red and puffy as if he had been previously crying.

“Stay with me, Y/N. Just a little while longer.” He answered and how could you say no. You obliged and eventually wrapped your arms around him, returning his hug. The rest of the guys were befuddled at what was going on but decided to let the two of you have your moment.

You could hear Sam making a comment as he walked off. “Geez what a weird day and I haven’t even had a drink yet.” Bucky scoffed and proceeded to smack his head before walking forward.

Your eyes followed him and when he caught your stare, he winked before walking off. Your brows knitted at his previous actions but then you realised you had something more important to attend to. You still had a blonde super soldier clinging on to you like a koala.

“Alright, Steve. That’s enough of a hug. This is getting weird.” Upon your words, Steve finally released you but still held onto your arms.

“About yesterday, Y/N, I-” Steve started speaking and our eyes widened in anticipation of his following words. You don’t think you could bear to hear it. You cupped your ears and immediately ran off, making gibberish noise to tune him out.

“Wait, Y/N! Please listen to what I have to say!” Steve started chasing after you. He chased after you for a good several minutes out to the compound grounds. He knew where you were heading, you didn’t know why your feet decided to bring you there but you guessed that if any form of rejection is happening, you want it away from the eyes from anyone in the compound.

“Y/N Y/L/N! Stop it right there!” You halted in your tracks.

You turned back to see Steve Rogers with both hands on his hips. You felt like child being reprimanded by a parent. “Way to make an old man chase after you, Y/N Y/L/N.”

“You’re not that old.” You quipped back at his words.

“I’m well over 100, doll.” Steve reminded you as he laughed.

“You don’t need to run away from me, Y/N. What I’m about to say, well I-” Steve started stuttering and you could see him slightly nervous.

“What is it?” You tried to encourage him. Steve’s eyes started to turn red and he was looking at the ground.

“I like you too. I really like you Y/N.” Steve finally mustered the courage to let the words out of his mouth.

“Be my girl, please? I promise to love you and protect you always.” He added on. You felt your jaw dropped at what you were hearing. No way! Did Steve return your feelings? But how? But why?

“But yesterday, the party, you didn’t, I was drunk-” Your sentences weren’t making sense, but Steve knew what you meant.

“I know and I was honestly taken aback by your confession, doll. But I did some thinking and I realised that I feel the same too. I never realised how much I did until I lost you doll.” Steve’s long legs brought him closer to and he cradled your face with both his hands.

“You didn’t lose me, what are you talking about?” His words were puzzling, what did he meant by lose? How could it even be possible? You were right here all this time.

“I just- I don’t want to let you go ever. Please stay by my side.” Steve’s words only served to confuse you further, but you couldn’t bother to think about it in greater depth. You wanted Steve and he wanted you too. You nodded. “Always.”

Steve grinned a toothy wide smile before leaning in for a kiss. You two poured all your emotions into the kiss and it made your hearts soar. When you both finally pulled apart for a breather, Steve spoke. “I can’t wait for our future together.”

———————————————————————

50 years into the future

Steve landed on a grassy patch from the combustion of Tony and Bruce’s machine. He looked over to assess his surroundings and realised that he was not in the compounds anymore.

Steve then realised he was at a cemetery and there was a bouquet of flowers that laid on the ground beside his feet. He picked up the bouquet with lavender wrapping paper and turned to examine it further.

He then looked down again, this time to a gravestone standing just a few feet away from him.

Y/N ROGERS

A DEAR WIFE.

A LOYAL FRIEND.

A FIERCE FIGHTER

1988- 2030

The words Steve read before him hit him harder than a train wreck. How could this be possible? 2030? This means that Y/N only lived till a young age of 42. That was earlier than expected. Why was his heart aching in pain?

The tears started streaming down his face before he could even comprehend them. Steve dropped to his knees in front of the gravestone and hunched over with the bouquet gripped tightly in his hands.

“Y/N…” He whispered. “I swear I will change this future.”

———————————————————————

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers #captain america #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic #au #stever rogers x y/n #angstsfordays

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photorose11 · 4 years

Text

An Unbreakable Bond Ch. 9

This chapter is long overdue.I apologize for the delay. It seems my life is constantly becoming more hectic. Almost dying in March was bad enough, but 2020 seems to be full of hardships. Eh, I’ll get through it.

Here is Chapter nine. I enjoyed writing this chapter a lot. Trauma and PTSD I am able to write well due to my experience with both in the last ten years. Night terrors can be hell. It’s been hard as hell to overcome, it really makes me feel good to be able to write about it in some way though.

Okay, I’m done rambling. lol Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. *sniffles in sadness*

______

Chapter 9. Intertwined Through Time

Ichigo was unsure how long they spent on the roof, watching the night sky. Once he noticed Rukia falling asleep with her head leaning on his shoulder he decided it was time to go in and get some sleep. He gently wakes her up, her violet eyes fluttering open to look up at him. The look she gives him makes his heart race. He wonders how long this new relationship with her will make his heart continue to accelerate at such a fast pace. It was slightly overwhelming, but nothing he didn't like.

He helped her to her feet as well as helping her get back through his bedroom window. By the time he had made it back in to his room she was curled up in his bed under the sheets. He gazed at her for a moment before settling in next to her, as she laid her head back on his shoulder. Shortly after, she drifted off to sleep and Ichigo followed soon after.

---

The first thing Rukia noticed when she woke up was how hot she was. It felt similar to laying out in the sun for too long. She was rather confused by it, because the last thing she remembered was going to bed with Ichigo. She opened her eyes slowly, noticing it was still dark in the room other then for the moonlight shining through his bedroom window.

Her heart dropped when she turned her head to look at Ichigo; seeing his face was wet, and a clear grimace set on his face as if he was in pain. Rukia instantly became alert and sat up in bed, looking him over for any injuries; but there were none.

'What is causing this?'

Her eyes widened, not understanding how she didn't realize it sooner. His reitsu was flaring all over the place, probably the cause for the heat around them. It was stifling and strong, causing her to breathe harder then normal. She looked down to see his hands gripping the bed sheets before he turned his head letting out a sigh and then a yell. Before she could think of anything else to do, she gripped his shoulders and started shaking him; trying to get him to wake up; yet he would not budge.

"Ichigo! Wake up!"

A minute passed with her continuing to shake him as his expression grew more painful for her to watch. She wasn't sure how long she could do this before panic would start to fully sink in. Was he in his inner world? Was his Hollow causing this? The thought frightened her, even though she did not believe his hollow would ever hurt her. His hollow was a part of him and she knew how much he loved her.

She gasped when he suddenly yelled and bolted upright, making her jump beside him. A wild flare of reitsu swirled around him before settling. His eyes were wide in terror as he panted for air, still gripping the bed sheets.

"Ichigo, it's okay; you're okay." She whispered softly, before uncurling his fingers from around the bed sheets. He stared straight ahead before blinking and looking at her in surprise. Before she could say anything further, they heard a knock at the door, causing them both to jump.

"Hey, you guys okay? Ichigo's spiritual pressure just flared out of nowhere."

Karin's voice sounded concerned on the other side of the door. Ichigo looked down into his lap, clearing his throat before speaking.

"Sorry about that. Just a nightmare." It was silent for a moment before her voice come muffled through the door again.

"It's okay, just checking."

They heard footsteps walking away from the door; Karin going back to the room she shared with Yuzu. Ichigo let out a pained sigh before bowing his head, fingers curling into his hair. Rukia held her breath, watching him struggle with what had just happened. She gently laid a hand on his back, rubbing circles into his shirt. She did want to say something, but she didn't want to push. She knew he would tell her when he was ready.

A few minutes later he lifted his head back up, as she continued rubbing his back. He turned his gaze to her, giving her a look that said so much. He slowly reached out and took her other hand in his.

"It was Ginjo."

Rukia had a feeling this conversation would come up at some point. He had killed Ginjo. She knew this was very different from killing Aizen. This is something that was mentally destroying him, she could see it in his brown eyes staring back at her.

"How could I... he may have done awful things, but he didn't deserve that, and I.."

He started shaking, his head bowing back down. Rukia gripped his hand tighter, before sitting in front of him; her legs under her. She gently brought his head down to rest on her shoulder as he shook in despair. She didn't think he was crying, just shaking in shock. She understood, probably better then anyone else could. There was not a day that went by that she did not think of Kaien Shiba.

"I killed him, Rukia."

Rukia felt her heart ache at his broken voice. She knew he was breaking down in front of her, and she held on to him as he finally let the tears fall. She remembered then how young Ichigo really is. She had lived decades compared to him. Kaien's death had been fifty years ago and she still felt the pain from it like it was not that long ago. She had lived with the guilt for decades.

She held onto Ichigo as he wept into her shoulder, his hands clenched onto the sides of her pajama shirt. Eventually, he calmed down and the room became silent; his head still buried in her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Rukia."

He lifted his head up then, wiping at his eyes before giving her an apologetic look. He was not prepared for the hardened look that had settled over her face.

"Ichigo, do not apologize for this. What happened with Ginjo was terrible. No matter what he did or how he betrayed you, you still cared for him."

He looked down in his lap after hearing her words. He knew deep down that she was right. He still cared for Ginjo, even after his betrayal. He never wanted to kill him. It felt completely wrong.

Rukia watched him intently as he looked down and thought over her words. She knew what she wanted to tell him, but she needed to mentally prepare herself. It was not an easy story to tell. She slowly uncurled her legs and went to lean her back on the wall beside the bed. He noticed, and followed her; sitting beside her. She took his hand in hers before giving a sigh.

"Trust me when I say this Ichigo, I understand completely. I have never told you the story about Kaien Shiba, have I?"

Ichigo looked over to her, surprised by her words. Yes, he knew of Kaien Shiba. She had heard his name from Ganju. He remembers when Kūkaku had talked to Rukia after he had saved her from her execution and told her that she had forgiven her for what happened with Kaien. He never knew the whole story. He did know now that he was a Shiba, after his father had explained to him that he came from the Shiba clan. After his father had explained it to him Ichigo had asked his father about what happened to Kaien Shiba, but he had told his son it was not his right to tell Ichigo about it.

A minute later, Ichigo shakes his head no as Rukia breathes out another sigh; before leaning her head back to look at the ceiling.

"This is a story I wanted to tell you a long time ago. We just never had the right moment for me to bring it up. This seems like the perfect time to do so."

With that said she settled into her spot on the bed, bringing her legs up so she could wrap her arms around her knees; hugging her legs to her chest. Ichigo sat beside her, facing her so he could watch her. She looked so small then, curled up in on himself with her chin resting on her knees.

"Kaien was the former Lieutenant of the 13th Division.. he was kind and very outspoken. He treated everyone equally. I met him when I joined the Division. That first day he told me that as long as I was in his Division, he would stand by me even if he died. Shortly after, we started training together."

Ichigo watched her talk about her former Lieutenant, her eyes were glazed over looking straight ahead. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she was here, but she also wasn't. He knew there wasn't a good ending to this story.

"One day while Kaien and I were training I asked him why he was in the Gotei 13. He told me it was so he could fight and protect. He explained to me about Captain Ukitake philosophy of fighting which consists of two types of combat: the fight to protect life, and the fight to protect honor. Kaien told me how he believed that they both ended up being the same thing. "Heart" he called it. He believed that every time someone connects with another person, a little but of "heart" is born between them. He believed that one's "heart" exists in others, and that it remains with his or her comrades ever after death. Afterwards, he told me not to die alone. Because when one dies, the heart is left with companions, where said person would live on."

Feeling tears starting to form, she quickly wiped at her eyes, taking a deep breathe before letting out another shaky sigh. Ichigo stayed silent beside her, not wanting to interrupt what she had to say. She leaned her head back on the top of her knees, arms circling back around her legs.

"Kaien had a wife. She was beautiful, kind and strong. I looked up to her, she was my idol. Her name was Miyako Shiba. One night, she was killed by a Hollow. Once Kaien found out, he without hesitation decided to go after this Hollow; before waiting for a squad to be formed. Me and Ukitake accompanied him."

Ichigo continued to watch her intently, noticing tears forming in her eyes again. He knew this was not an easy thing for her to talk about. This was hurting her.

"You don't have to tell me, Rukia. I know it's painful to talk about."

She turned her head to look back at him, and was surprised when she gave a small smile. Even through the pain she could still smile. He couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked in that moment.

"I want to tell you, Ichigo."

She removed her arms from around her legs, leaning her back on the wall and stretching out her legs before continuing.

"This Hollow's name was Metastacia. He had the ability to fuse his spirit into someone's body; Kaien asked for permission from Ukitake to fight it alone. Ukitake granted permission. Shortly after Metastacia took control of Kaien's body. He used Kaien to attack me. Ukitake stepped in and fought him, but then was overcome by his illness and the hollow went after me again, and I..."

Ichigo watched as Rukia struggled to tell the rest. Her hands were in fists in her lap, as she took deep breaths to try to calm herself. Reliving the memory from that awful day was as painful as it was decades ago.

"I stuck my Zanpakuto out to protect myself, not even thinking of the consequences. I stabbed Kaien as he leapt towards me. Kaien then slowly regained consciousness and he thanked Ukitake for letting him fight alone. He thanked me and apologized for dragging me into the fight. He told me that it was thanks to me that his heart could stay here."

Ichigo was speechless. He knew what happened to Kaien had to have been terrible, he never would have thought it would be something like that. He thought about how terrifying it must have been for Rukia in that moment. After saying everything she had to say, he watched as she folded into herself and let her tears fall. Before he could move towards her, she lifted her head up; meeting his worried eyes. He was stunned by the look on her face.

"I know how hard and painful it is, Ichigo. This is something that you will always remember. It will always hurt in some way. But you must remember you did the only thing you could. In a way, I saved Kaien. And in a way, you saved Ginjo."

Rukia sat up straight then, wiping the tears from her face before giving Ichigo a meaningful look. One filled with pain but also truth. He knew within his soul that she was right. Her words brought him comfort. He slowly inched closer to her, wrapping his arms around her as she laid her forehead on his shoulder.

"Thank you, Rukia."

He was so thankful for her, more then he believed she realized. It's true, she had stopped the rain. Countless times. She had brought him comfort. She had brought him peace. She had risked her life for his countless times. She taught him how to be brave, how to be happy and how to keep moving forward.

"There's something else I need to tell you."

Rukia lifted her head up, coming face to face with him. He had a patient but curious look upon his face. It made her so happy. He made her so happy.

"It has been said that you very much resemble Kaien. It's true, aside from the hair and eye color, you very much resemble him. Nii-sama has even brought it up once."

Ichigo was not expecting that, but he couldn't be surprised. He was a Shiba after all. Kaien Shiba would technically have been his cousin. Ichigo watched as her face grew almost sad, her voice breaking when she spoke.

"I loved Kaien. In a way I do not know how to explain."

From hearing his gilfriend talk about Kaien, this was not something that shocked him. But it did not bother him. In all honesty he was thanlful Kaien was there for Rukia all those years ago when she joined the Division.

Rukia lifted her head up, laying a hand upon his cheek as tears filled her eyes again. She blinked them away the best she could, she wanted to look him in the eyes when she said this. He needs to know..

"But that is not why I love you. It's not why I offered my powers to you back then. It's not why I grew close to you, Ichigo. The bond I share with you..." she laid her other hand over his heart, as she let down all her walls for him. It was starting to become very easy to do that with him. Natural. Right.

"Our bond is unbreakable. Our souls.. we are connected in a way I have never been connected with anyone else. It's not because of the resemblance you share with him. I need you to know that."

She was unsure when her tears started to fall again, and only noticed them when he lifted up a hand to wipe them away. He gave her a smile, the one he only shared with her, before leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead.

"I know that, Rukia. I understand. Completely."

Once hearing those words, Rukia felt immense relief wash over her as she held back a sob. She knew he would understand, but hearing him speak those words gave her such an overwhelming feeling of relief and happiness. She loved this man more then she could even begin to comprehend. He had changed her world as she had changed his. Looking at the man in front of her, she saw him for who he truly was.

Leaning forward as she held on to the front of his shirt, she kissed him hard as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He moved in order to lower her on the bed as he kissed her back. She held on to him tighter as he continued to kiss her into the bed. She lost track of time as they became entangled in the bed sheets. Eventually they grew tired, and after getting settled in bed she watched as he slowly fell to sleep beside her.

Rukia wasn't sure what exactly was in store for them in the future. But she knew this man was not someone she would ever give up on. She would die for him, giving anything for him to stay this happy. She knew in her heart that their lives would continue to be intertwined, no matter what happened.

She had heard stories about soulmates. As she watched him fall asleep, a hand resting over his heart, feeling it beat under her fingertips; she knew in her heart that he was hers.

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a-small-flame-in-a-dark-land · 4 years

Text

The Time Between Us (7)

Chapter 7: Chains in my heart

I'M BACKKK

Firstly, I'm so so so sorry for disappearing for so long. I was in deep depression last year and finally have the guts to write again. I'm sorry.

There're many reasons, well, I feel bad of myself in everything: studying, works, family, friends,...I even felt my English has gone worse and I felt I shouldn't write anymore. It's been complicated. But I'm here now. I started reading books again, I've been doing some researches about fantasy worlds and many of them really did cheered me up.

Anyways have fun reading!

Words: 3k8

*gifs not mine

Links to other parts 1 2 3 4 5 6

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“Erza! You’re okay!” Approaching Natsu and Erza is the blonde hair girl. She looks worried and terrified.

“Everyone was so worried for you.” The girl next to her cries.

They all gather around the two, cheer up, cry and give each other tight hugs. Because Natsu and Erza are safe and reunite with their comrades, I return to my job to collect the Core of Tower of Heaven and erase its leftovers on the sea. By that no one from The Magic Council can find. As I’m nearly finish, a voice rings from behind.

“Hey.” I turn back and here comes the scarlet hair girl.

“Hi.” I say.

“Well I..we want to thank you for saving us.” She says as Natsu comes along. With his suspicious face, of course.

“It’s nothing. Things happened and I had to do what is right.” I smile.

“Don’t say that. At first I doubted, but….well, Natsu told me what you did when I fainted. I really appreciate your help. I think we can be friends.”

Friends? It’s been a long time since I heard that word. 3 years ago? I wonder why there’s a little bit of creepiness crawling under my skin when hearing that. Don’t even know if I’m worth to befriend with anyone anymore, after I deceived my only one.

“Yeah, I don’t know if we can. ” I keep rambling myself when the last piece of The Tower is collected and forms a ball of crumbs and ready to be sent to Hell through a hole opening in the ocean below.

“What are you doing?” The voice of the boy.

“Cleaning the mess.” I say. And when they give each other unknowing looks and then turn to me, I can’t hold my giggle. “It’s a long story of mine. But you don’t want to know, I assume. And for now you guys are no acquaintance to me as I am to you, our destiny is nothing outside this Tower. We helped each other to get out and it stops at that. Then we part ways. Just know that I’m no harm to you and we’re done.” I turn around and give them my goodbye, ready to leave.

“Wait, please.” Erza says. “At least let us treat you, you saved us and I won’t just walk away from anyone who did me a favor. In fact, I really appreciate what you did even though you said our destiny is nothing outside the Tower and I will regret a lot if you don’t let me return the favor, Lucerna. Destiny or not, our meeting means something and I know you’re a good person so let’s have some times to know each other.”

I sigh. If I let her, I will lose track of Jellal anytime, but even now looking for him when just getting out after years of capturing is a total challenge. They’ve fled and my power is still as crumble and uncontrolled as the fallen Tower. I need time to recollect myself anyways. Spending time with them seems not a bad idea after all, I need to regain my power and prepare for the mission. So I just nod and smile. But maybe to Erza and her comrades, that’s all they need to brighten up and come at me.

“Great! Now let’s get back to our place. I’m Lucy, Lucy Heartfilia. And you’re Lucerna right? Nice to meet you.” The blond hair girl pops out from nowhere and smiles friendly and gives out her hand. I shake it and smile back.

“Nice to meet you too, Lucy. I’m Lucerna. Lucerna Vandil.”

But to everyone’s dismay, they’re too tired to have a group chat after the fight so most of them sleep immediately after having a short meal. Especially Natsu, the blue cat and the dark hair boy Gray who I just get to know soon after. Despite the organized beds, they finish the meal and roll on the floor and then all I can hear is their snoring. And the girl names Juvia, she says something to Lucy and Erza and then disappears before I even have a glimpse of her. Only Lucy, Erza and I are still up. I ask.

“You two aren’t tired?”

“Yes, but not as these boys, we’re not as badly beaten up as them. Besides, I was in deep unconscious when Natsu got me out so I guess I rested enough. Just go sleep first. I’ll watch out for everyone.” Erza gives a nervous laugh. Lucy pats her shoulder and smiles.

“Don’t be like that. Everyone was so worried for you but we aren’t mad. You just keep on apologizing like that all the time?”

“No, but I’m… It’s my fault drowning myself in the Tower after all.” Erza says.

“Erza, I’m telling you again. This whole thing is no one’s fault. If there is, that’s because of those we faced in the Tower. They hurt you and we cannot let them do anything to you again. We’re friends remember?”. Lucy says while giving Erza her beautiful smile and what aches me more is that it reminds me about none other than the untold reminisce I failed to protect, which led me to the Tower.

Friends?

Is that what they usually have after getting through hard times together?

Until now seeing the friendship before me that I realize how badly and deeply The Power of Tower of Heaven have demolished my feeling for 3 years of being captured. Now I no longer feel like wanting to get to know anyone as letting them to get close to me. Close enough to know the real me that I’ve lost. Now I don’t know anymore. The only thing I need to do as soon as I get away from these people is finding Jellal and finish my mission and then return to the King. I should have----

“Lucerna!” A sudden voice wakes me from rolling in my own thoughts. It’s Lucy’s.

“Eh?”

“You were zoning out.” She laughs.

“My apologize. What did you ask me about?”

“I’m saying that since we don’t have more time until sunrise so why don’t we all rest for now? And then let’s have some time tomorrow? When will you have to go?” She yawn.

“When the first light of the day comes out.”

“That rush? Sorry that we took your time. I didn’t think we would be this worn out. I really want to spend more time with you and I even think about taking you for a walk to our place. It would be wonderful, if you don’t mind.”

I look at the clock. It’s already midnight. And both of the girls seem too exhausted to talk anymore.

“I’m sorry but I really have to go. Please rest, you two. Or you won’t be able to get yourselves up tomorrow. We’re already exhausted.”

“Yeah you’re right.”

Erza turns off the lights. Then she comes lie next to me and before I close my eyes, she says.

“Hey. I know that we just met and you seem like don’t wanna share anything to us despite the fact that we talked the most all the time but,...well it’s okay, too. You can keep your secret. We don’t want to intrude your private memories. But please know that around us you don’t need to withdraw yourself. Just be yourself. We trust you because you helped us. We’re no enemies. So there’s nothing to worry about okay?”

She reaches out to me under the blanket and hold my hand.

“It’s terrible to know that you were captured in the Tower for like, 3 years? Those must be unforgettable memories. I understand because I was at that Tower too, when I was a child, until we broke free. And as you said Destiny led us back to The Tower for a mission and we met. But I’m glad you’re free now. I guess if you will leave soon at dawn, this is our goodbye.”

No, Erza. I’m not free. The chains in the Tower are broken, but the chains in my heart are not. Not now. Not ever when all my soul will soon belong to the demons. I’m a criminal and I don’t deserve all the love in this world.

“It happened in year X781.”

“What?”

I lower my voice only for her to hear.

“I did things I should not. I got many unrelated people involved in my wrong doings. And I betrayed a friend. All of that led to the reason why I was imprisoned and forced to work under their watch in order to create the Tower. Erza, you’re such a good person. But please don’t try to befriend me. You don’t know me. And I don’t know you. There’s something I really have to do after this. If not, I can never payback the sins in my past.”

“If you insist. But I still don’t see anything wrong to get close to you. I feel it. You saved us, Lucerna. And I’m definitely sure that’s deserve a life lasting friendship for us. I know that Natsu, Lucy, Happy and Gray would feel that too. So, if nothing bad happens and when you’re done, can we meet again? We’re mages of Fairy Tail in Magnolia. You know where to find us.”

“If we meet again. I’ll spend time with you guys.” I tighten our hands. “I’m glad we get to know each other.”

That’s true. If there’s another chance, I guess.

As expected, Jellal has fled. There’s only little of his scent left which is at 30 km from the previous placement of Tower of Heaven. In two days I follow his scent and when the city I stayed the night before is nowhere behind that I recognize I was led to the mountains in the northwest of Ishgar.

In those mountains, the weather is cold and air is so thin I can barely breath. I spend 2 hours searching for him around the place where his scent is the strongest but to my discomfort the scent is also as thin as the air and it keeps floating around instead of leading me to Jellal. Why is that?

There’s only a few hours left until all the air in my lungs disappear. Nightfall makes things harder. Geez. I breath slower and lighter while touching the earth below and speak.

Se kaló. Chaménes psychés

Here come the crumbling earth, shaking trees and flying souls of the death in the mountain. The souls, they know everything, but unknown to the world. I might ask them about Jellal.

When I was young and still living with my brother and the Dragons, I was scared and screamed my lungs out the first time my mother dragon showed me what people would be when they died. They become souls. Or people normally call “Ghost”, and my brother would always told me ghost stories just to scare the crap out of me. Mother Dragon said some souls find the right way and were taken to another life. But to some, they cannot let go of their past and become the white souls who still exist around us. The ghost in my brother’s stories are dark souls who sold themselves to the demons, they made contract to one or many of the demons so that they can have what they desire. But once they do, their soul cannot be free after death and they belong to the demons. Most people of the dark souls are mages because only the mages have power to summon demons. Those kind of souls exist for the only reason: scare the shit out of people and drain their lives to get stronger and become devils of Hell. Because of that the magic from dark souls are the most powerful.

In Ishgar there are dragons born within the magic of the souls and can control the power of them. But those dragons are very rare and choosing the humans who will inherit their power and become Dragon Slayer is even harder. I don’t know why and when did my dragons find my brother and me. I just know that they raised us, Hibernis and Lucerna Vandil, the twin orphans, since we were born. And then one day when I tried the final level of Soul Magic I lost control and let the dark souls took over. I didn’t know what happened next. When I woke up they’re all gone. My parents and my big brother. It was when I was still 7 years old and never had been outside the forest we were living. Everything happened in year X777. I went everywhere to find him and our parents. I lost, I had no evidence of them. Finally I ran out of energy and food and ended up outside Redwoods Guild. One of the reason I chose to stay and work for the former Master is that he had the Power of Vision and can help me find my parents and brother, under one condition that I must work for him with all my loyalty. It’s stupid, I was stupid but at that time there’s nothing I wanted other than finding my family so I agreed with him. Then he showed me what inside the Eye. But there was darkness and blood smell. He told me that they died. I didn’t believe him and told him he was lying. But he showed me the day that I lost control and destroyed everything along with my family. I had to believe that because only I knew what happened that day. I had to believe him that I killed them. And for 6 years I was living in hell with guilt. And I---

“You’re drowning, Miss. Please wake up.”

I gasp and realize I was rambling to myself. Someone pats my shoulder and when I turn around I recognize a white soul is trying to give me some air because my lungs are dried. It says.

“Summoning the souls while you can’t control your breath is very risky, Miss Lucerna.”

“Thank you. And I’m sorry. I’m looking for a man names Jellal. His soul is tainted and he’s very powerful. He a mage using magic of the stars. ” I say.

“If you look for him here, then you’re lost. He’s left for a day.”

“What? But this place is reeked of him.”

“He was here. But he used magic so his scent remains as long as possible. He knows you’re tracking him. I’m sorry miss Lucerna. But the man you are looking for has returned to the magic Council. And his magic has disappeared ever since, he must have closed himself and been in deep slumber to maintain power. It’s impossible to track down Jellal right now, you shall wait until his magic awake again.” Another soul speak.

“GOD DAMN IT.” I groan. Great. Now that man is where I hate most. No one can enter The council and get out in one piece. Not when there are traps and guards every corner and even the members are ten times powerful than Jellal. I can’t risk myself.

“I understand. Thanks a lot. Apolýo.”

The light of the souls glow and then all disappears into dust.

I did not try to go to the Council. Not until my strength is still weak and can easily go berserk as that day. Instead I successfully found a big cave under the mountains where there’s a waterfall which flows from the outside. The fantastic thing is that this waterfall contains a large amount of energy which is surprisingly compatible with me. It must be from the souls of the mountains. I need to stay here and regain my magic. I have the Aspro Stone inside my body and for now it seems the stone’s power is yet to awake. I haven’t learned to adjust with it yet. I don’t know how. I don’t know what would I do if the Stone went exploded as before. Thinking about the incident 3 years ago, I still hate myself. It was terrible. Seriously terrible. Our plans got out of control, my power got out of control and everything led to devastation. If I let that happen again, I wonder what would I become.

I wonder where is Sting now. How has he been doing? How is he? He must be joining a guild. Or is he still traveling alone? Is there anyone beside him?

I miss him.

I miss my family. And Sting.

“If you let your emotion take over. You’ll lose control of yourself, Miss.”

“It’s you. I…I didn’t call you.” I open my eyes and see that they are slowly watering. I blink to get them away. The beautiful white soul that helped me lately is standing before me..

“I’m the oldest in these mountains and I speak for other souls. I died a long time ago, myself has become one with everything here. I can see things, hear things that happens here. I can appear whenever I want because I’m here to protect the mountains, Miss Lucerna. I know who you are and what you’re doing here.”

“I apologize for my rudeness. Please let me stay here for a while, I just got out after 3 years of captivating and this waterfall has the strongest healing power I’ve ever seen. It can heal me.”

“Of course. The waterfall of us contains a rich source of magic that flows through the mountains. Take a bath in the waterfall 3 times a week, your magic will return and much more powerful than before. That is when you keep practicing and making yourself stronger everyday, of course.”

I step into the pool under the waterfall. It is so warm and comfortable. I breath in and relax. After 3 years, this is the first time I feel safe and sound, every aching muscle is slowly coming to life. My back was really tense because of having hung in the wall for a long time, now I’m gradually relaxing.

“Thank you. You’re so kind to me. But why don’t you see me as a threat to your mountain?”

“Every soul can identify who the summoner is through their magic. Most of us used to serve your ancestors since the beginning of milleniums and we vowed to always keep taking care of their children until the world turns to dust. So any children of House Vandil and apprentices of Dornion and Senali The Twins Dragons of Heaven and Hell are welcomed here. Please make yourself at home. ”

It’s been forever since anyone talked about House Vandil, or mentioned the name of dragons that trained my brother and I. So hearing those names strikes me hard like thunder. I sit straight up, freezing despite the hot water and suddenly feel hard to breath.

“You know the Vandils and…and my---”

“I was a historian of your family. They’d ruled their lands spreading wide at the northeast of Ishgar since the dragons were still flying in the sky until hundred years after the Dragon Civil War first broke. Although I’m not expecting another Vandil still lasts these days, I’m surprised you have zero knowledge of your existence.”

This is criticism, isn’t it?

“My parents died when my brother and I were born. The Twin Dragons adopted us. But they never told me or my brother anything about our family. I don’t know we are relating to…some rulers of a country?” I admit.

“Well, dragons can live for centuries. Dornion and Senali had been adopted The Vandil kids and protected as part of the contract between them and the royal family. When War of Dragons began, they continued raising the soon to be rulers until one day the tables turned and your homelands became battle fields. The castle exploded when a dragon blew a huge fireball, no one did survive.”

“But my parents… they lived.”

“And that’s what surprised me. The war happened 400 years ago. Maybe the Twin successfully saved some kids and took care of them in private so the bloodline of House Vandil could be descended. They could’ve protected the later generations until you. They surely loved humans more than any dragons ever did.”

Overwhelmed by the story the soul just shared, I stay in deep silence. I wonder why Dornion and Senali never mentioned this before. Does Hibernis know about this?

“Your story…it’s…”

“Unbelievable?”

“No, of course not. Souls talk from their hearts. I believe you. Actually, I’ve never ever imagined what my family in blood would be like. The dragons told me my parents passed away because of illness and they found us in a dying village. And that’s all. I never…wondered where did my last name come from. I never wondered who they were and now you saying makes me confused, or kinda feeling bad about it. Perhaps because I was happy I’ve already had the dragons and my brother as my family so I never questioned them about House Vandil. But still, I should have, right?”

“You weren’t even born when everything happened so do not feel bad when no one told you, I think they might have reasons. I died a historian and I’ll forever be a historian so, being a spirit or not, my job is telling the truth of history. When House Vandil officially vanished out of the monarch list, I was also dead. So everything I told you about the dragons raising the surviving kids is just me hypothesizing the events by connecting everything I know about The Twin Dragons and House Vandil. They could be wrong, anything can happens, there’s still mysteries to reveal, you know. However, I’m glad a young blood of Vandil still survives today.”

“Thanks. I appreciate what you’ve decided to tell me. What should I address you, Sir…?”

“The dead have no name. But in my whole life I was known as Adorellan Miadithas, I served King Aithlin Vandil, our last and mightiest king of the centuries. We vowed to fight for Atheton, for Kathania Dryas. We vowed to protect our country as long as we can, whether we live or die. We promised to speak the truth and tell our stories to the later generation. We promised to forever be protective to our people, be faithful in love and be loyal in friendship. Today we found a descendant, and we shall transfer promises with our latest king to the one. Lucerna Vandil, apprentice of Dornion and Senali the Twin Dragons of Heaven and Hell. Our homeland was gone, but our people fought till the end. No matter where you are, what you do, do not forget who we are, what we believe and our identity. Please pass this message to the next generation.”

And then, the mountain spirit disappears. And until 3 days later when I regained my magic and ready to leave, he’s not available anymore.

-------------

#fairy tail #fanfiction #fantasy #fairytail #sting x reader #sting eucliffe #sting x oc #natsu dragneel #lucy heartfilia #gray fullbuster #erza scarlett #wendy marvell #happy #eventual smut #fairy tail fanfiction #anime fanfic #fanfic #hiro mashima

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abbyrynt · 4 years

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Tsubasa’s Trauma and Why I Disagree

So a recurring opinion I’ve seen in a couple different places where I creep/lurk (reddit, tumblr, etc) is that XV should not have pummeled the shit out of Tsubasa.

I strongly, vehemently, aggressively disagree even though I can see where they’re coming from. The first time I watched XV, I literally texted someone: “What are they doing to my poor baby Basa this season?”

I think the reason my opinion differs is because I think I come from a vastly different background than most viewers. Not to say anyone’s perspective is wrong, it’s just different. First, let me tell you why I love Symphogear.

I am in my mid-thirties and left the Army after sixteen years in February 2019. So from age 18 to *cough mumble* I was a soldier. I won’t go into gnarly detail, but I have lost many friends, more to suicide than to combat operations which is seriously fucked. I have PTSD, insomnia, physical disability, etc. as a result from my service.

War is complex. I joined because I wanted to make the world a safer, better place for all people I never wanted to hurt people but reconciled myself with the fact that I may have to hurt “bad people.” Here is the thing about “bad people.” They are people. They have families, friends, lives, goals, aspirations, dreams. They get hungry and sleepy and sad and happy. To them, I’m also the bad guy. You think, “Hey, it’s easy to figure out who the bad guys are.”

It isn’t. And most of them aren’t bad. They aren’t evil. Their “justice” is different from mine. They are on an opposite side from me but they might not even understand why.

In my experience, there are very few truly “bad guys.” Most of the hardcore Taliban: super bad. Most of their foot soldiers? Not so much. But where it becomes shady is that in my experience, some of the “bad guys” were on my side. A president who lied to the American people and sent us to die in a war we had no business fucking starting. Big businesses that profited from that war and the deaths of my comrades. There are just as many bad guys on both sides, and sometimes the bad guys are supposed to be the ones you trust.

Symphogear lets me experience that and process it without triggering me. It allows me to have a world where I get a happy ending because in war, there is no happy ending, there is no “winner,” there is just one side that loses a little less.

Symphogear lets me retreat to a place that I can be safe.Where I can be idealistic, where I can hope for the best, where I am not crushed by reality. Where I can count on people to do the right thing in the end. It allows me to hope, which I so rarely dare do in the real world. It gives me the opportunity to reach my hand out to my enemy, to try to understand them. And I cannot tell you what that means to me.

And one of the reasons I am drawn to Symphogear is because of Tsubasa. She starts out having trauma, and it changes her in a way that is readily recognizable to me. When you experience shit like that, it is normal to “turn off” the human part of yourself. You don’t ALLOW yourself to feel because that can get you killed. So you turn off your emotions, you focus on your duty, and you do whatever you can to survive. I went through that exact same thing.

You turn yourself into a tool, a weapon, a thing so that you can do your duty. You dehumanize yourself to survive. It becomes your “normal.” It’s a defense mechanism, and sometimes the only thing you can do to protect yourself.

And then Tsubasa is redeemed because she realizes that there is no point to what she does if she is willing to sacrifice her humanity. That’s literally the same realization I came to. What’s the point of fighting if you become no different from that which you claim to stand against? Our humanity is literally the most precious thing any of us have, our capacity for love and compassion and empathy.

One thing I have come to appreciate about anime is that the writers seem to ask themselves the question, “What’s the worst thing that can happen to this character? Let’s do that.” They did it to Tsubasa in XV. They broke her completely. They took away everything she valued, everything she held dear, everything that made her initial recovery possible.

Ta da! That happens in real life. You have setbacks. You have new trauma. Bad things happen. You lose what you value. You lose sight of your “justice.”

Watching her hit bottom, I was like “Girl, I know.” But unlike my battle buddies that I watched hit bottom, I got to see her recover. No matter how far she descended, she came back from it, she survived.

Survival is a triumph. Survival is a win. Because so many don’t survive. They succumb to their experiences, succumb to their trauma, succumb to the loss. They never find their way back.

I am lucky. I am lucky every day that I did. And watching a character mirror my experiences, the experiences of my battle buddies, gives me hope. It gives me consolation. It gives me reassurance. It tells me that it is okay for me to hope and wish and fight for my survival. Because even if she is fictional, even if it isn’t real, it tells me that I can do it too.

It’s why so many people relate to Chris. Who I would argue endured just as much trauma if not more than Tsubasa. She saw her parents killed, she was sold into sexual slavery as a CHILD, endured that for seven years? Only to be rescued and acquired by Fine who further abused her in a romantic/sexual/BDSM(ish?) relationship.

It is sad, but so many people can relate to that: to feeling broken, damaged, isolated, alone, unloved. They suffer from self-esteem issues, from loneliness, from feeling like they will never have a safe space, of being scared of even wanting it because they’ll only be disappointed and hurt again.

I do not relate to Chris. I’ve been sexually assaulted, but... her trauma, her experiences, her recovery, does not resonate with me. It isn’t mine, but I understand that it is other people’s, and it is valid.

I am not Tsubasa. I don’t identify with any of the main characters. I’m a smartass like Kanade. I am easy-going like Kirika. I am reserved like Shirabe. I am maternal like Maria. I am supportive like Miku. I am determined like Elfnein. I like to eat like Hibiki. I am principled like Tsubasa, but at best, I’m probably a background character.

But even if I don’t identify with Tsubasa, I can empathize with her. Because I know that feeling. I know what it’s like to make all the right decisions, do all the right things, to fight with everything that I am and that I have, and for bad things to still happen. Because that is life. It isn’t fair. You can hold tight to your ideals, do everything you are supposed to, and you are not promised a happy ending.

I know that sounds fatalistic, but it’s not because the point is YOU STILL TRY. Even if your only reward is more shit, you pick yourself up, hold onto your justice, and keep trying to do the right thing. Not because it guarantees that nothing bad will happen. Not because you’re ensured a reward, but because it is the right thing to do.

And Tsubasa does that. She has everything taken away from her including her autonomy and self-determination, but in the end, she still stands back up and tries again. She takes the hands of her comrades and does not give up.

And that is all I want for myself. I want to stay true to myself no matter what happens. I want to be able to keep living. And seeing her do that makes me feel like I can too.

I’ve been at home for... 65 days now, leaving only maybe once a week for groceries. My PTSD has flared like a motherfucker. I started doing weekly video-sessions with a therapist, I made a pillow fort on my bed where I work from home to make me feel safe. I wear the Symphogear hoodie one of my partners got me for my birthday.

But what has helped me the most is watching and re-watching the entire Symphogear series over and over again because it makes me feel safe. it gives me hope. It reminds me that I will come through this again. It does not just give me hope, it gives me the courage to hope.

The writers of Symphogear did not just heap pointless trauma and violence and loss on Tsubasa just to abuse her. If it was just a bunch of horrible things dumped on her to make her suffer, I’d hate it too. But it wasn’t. The gave her a journey. They gave her redemption. And that journey and opportunity for redemption gives me hope. And sometimes when we are at our worst, hope is the only thing we have.

I know this post was super long and dramatic, but it bothers me that people want to take away the part of the show that I most closely relate to, the part that helps me, the part of the show that IS ME.

I guess my point is, just because it isn’t your journey or your trauma or your story, does not mean it isn’t someone else’s. Like I said, Chris’s journey/trauma/story is not mine, but I can see why it is other people’s, and why so many people cling to her.

So uh... yeah, that’s it. I’m done. At least for now. Stay tuned for our next episode where I ramble at length about Azur Lane and how I totally did not expect a show about women who are literally warships to so accurately portray and explore the complexities of war. And how parts of that show feel like they were lifted directly from my brain because I’ve struggled with the exact same thing as an aircraft carrier. And how conflicted I feel being attracted to a light cruiser.

(Side note: Please do not feel sorry for me or thank me or anything. Soldiers are not heroes. We’re just people. We do the job we volunteered to do, but we aren’t special. We don’t deserve a gold star for doing what we signed up to do. We’re just normal people trying to do what we think is right, just like everyone else. My trauma is the same as everyone else’s, no better or worse. It was my honor to serve, and no one owes me anything, not even gratitude. /endrant Sorry, I really hate the “hero myth” of the soldier. It’s fluffer-nutter.)

#symphogear #Senki Zesshou Symphogear #tsubasa kazanari #yuri #anime #ptsd #maria cadenzavna eve #mariabasa #symphogear xv #ame no habakiri

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ladyrivia · 4 years

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Savior (Jaskier x Reader, angst ending)

Request: Hi! I’m the anon who requested the Jaskier fic and I just wanna say it was sooo good! And you got it up so fast! Thank you so much! I would love it if you made an angsty ending :) I have more requests for later too if you would be okay (all Jaskier fics oops) anyways thanks for writing my request and I’d love an angst ending :) -Grace (that’s my name☺️)

Pairing: Jaskier x Reader

Warnings: Violence and death

Authors Note: :DDD I’m so glad you enjoyed it!! I’m so down for more Jaskier, i love my bard boy. Can’t wait to write more of your requests! Thank you Grace!

Everything is the same except for the ending

LINK TO FLUFF ENDING HERE

“No, I’m upset Jaskier! You left for a monster hunt on our anniversary, how could I not be upset?!” You exclaimed as you walked down the stairs of your shared home, Jaskier close behind.

He was an amazing boyfriend, but dear god could he be clueless on what is okay.

It was your anniversary and you both had planned to go to the pub to drink and have fun, but out of the blue Jaskier had heard that Geralt was nearby on a hunt and had completely forgotten about your plans.

He had returned the second he had remembered, but that was now, and the harm had been done.

“I’m sorry Y/N, I truly am! You know how forgetful I am and how overindulged I get in this stuff! I know this doesn’t excuse my actions but I don’t know how to fix it.” He tried explaining his side, but you were having none of it, and just needed to get away.

“Just leave me alone,” You turned and pointed at him. “Don’t follow me.” You growled and stormed out the door, heading down the street to the forest surrounding the town. You needed to get away and clear your head, maybe grab some herbs for teas and healing ointments for your healing business. You didn’t know what exactly you were doing, just anything to get your mind off things for a while.

You walked for a while, zoning out and not realizing how far you had gone until it was too late. The sun was setting, and it would be safer staying put rather than trying to make it back through the dense forest. Going to the main road would also not be safe as bandits lurk during the night, waiting for unsuspecting victims.

Your cloak was big enough to wrap completely around yourself, so you laid down to get some sleep.

You awoke to birds chirping and the sun shining in your eyes. You took your time getting up, you had nowhere to be and you were still too mad to return to Jaskier.

‘Letting my anger dissipate now is better than risking taking it out on Jaskier.’ You thought, and headed down to the nearest creek to get a drink of water and maybe find some berries for breakfast.

BACK IN TOWN

“I can’t find her anywhere Geralt, I’m worried!” Jaskier nervously sat across from his friend at the pub.

“She’ll come back.” Geralt mumbled into his cup.

“But what if she’s in danger and I’m here sitting on my ass listening to you! That’s what got me in trouble in the first place!”

“No, you came after me, and I was listening to you.” Geralt corrected Jaskier’s blame.

“Regardless, what if she’s-” Jaskier was cut off by a shaken up merchant.

“Witcher! There’s more monsters out there! I was just attacked!” Geralt looked at the man and furrowed his eyebrows.

“Hmm,” He grunted and stood up, quickly chugging the remaining ale. “Where?”

“Up the mountain! They’re hiding out in a cave! Left of the path just past Bald Man’s Rock! They stole my goods! I’ll pay you 150 gold if you can recover my items!” The disheveled merchant promised The Witcher.

Jaskier’s eyes were wide, he could only think of the horrible things that the monsters would do to Y/N if they got their claws on her. Geralt turned his head towards Jaskier and gave him a nod, reassuring him that Y/N would be okay.

IN THE FOREST

You had been wandering for a while, not wanting to return home yet. The rustling of leaves behind didn’t worry you at first, you assumed it was a deer that you had scared. But when it didn’t stop and got closer, that’s when you turned.

WACK

You hit the ground, groaning in pain, the unknown assailant had knocked you down and proceeded to choke you out. You tried to fight back but they were too strong, their initial blows weakening you.

ON THE PATH

“Oh god, what if she’s dead because of this, because of me!” Jaskier rambled on. Geralt sighed and stopped Roach.

“If you don’t shut up I will knock you out and tie you to the back of Roach for the remaining part of this trip.” Geralt warned, he understood his friend’s worry, but continuing to talk about it wouldn’t get them anywhere.

They continued down the path, following the merchant’s instruction.

“Bald Man’s Rock!” Jaskier exclaimed, rushing ahead of Geralt and Roach.

“Wait.” Geralt called out, getting off his horse and unsheathing his sword, stalking towards the direction of the monster’s hideout.

IN THE CAVE

“Rob ‘er of her items, then do whatever, I don’t really care.” A voice commanded, heavy footsteps approaching you. You blinked open your eyes to see a man walking towards you, malice in his eyes. You writhed, but the ropes tied around your arms and legs kept you from moving. He roughly grabbed you and patted you down, trying to find any hidden pouches on you.

“Fuckin’ useless whore, doesn’t even have coin on ‘er.” He punched you across his face. Part of you was glad that you didn’t carry any coin, not wanting this bandits to take any of your hard earned money, but the other part of you wish you had so maybe they would let you go. “Go get Jager, he can dispose of ‘er.” Your eyes widen, there was no good outcome.

“What do you want Marin? ” A voice slurred, though he was drunk, there was a malice to his voice.

“Dispose of this wench, she has nothing, no coin or anything. Slash ‘er up so the locals keep believing there’s monsters in ‘ere.” The original man kicked you in the stomach, knocking you on your side.

“Yessir.” The man you presumed to be Jager stumbled over with a knife, you started to scream.

“Shut up!” He knelt on the ground and punched you in the face. You whimpered, tears running down your face.

‘Don’t let this be the end, not without a goodbye to Jaskier’

The man slashed across your legs, a wound that looked consistent with a werewolf to a normal villager. He continued this pattern across your collarbone to the middle of your sternum. The wounds weren’t deep, but they weren’t shallow. He lifted the bottom of your dress and repeated this again on your upper thigh.

“Think that good enough?” Jager asked his partners in crime.

“You’re really just gonna leave ‘ere there to bleed out, we’re thieves, not monsters.” They laughed at that, but you were terrified.

You begged them not to, but you had no bargaining chips here.

‘I’m so sorry Jaskier.’ You thought, hot tears running down your cheek. ‘This is the end.’

He grabbed you by the hair, forcing your head up so your neck was exposed.

You could feel the skin splitting on your neck, the warm blood spilling out.

“Witcher!” You heard, the blade only slicing half of your neck when you were dropped, Jager joining his comrades in fighting the mutant.

“Y/N!” Jaskier rushed to your side, eyes filled with tears. “No, no, no, no,” He took off his jacket, placing it onto your wound to try to halt the bleeding. He held it in place with one hand, using the other to pull off the rope the bandits had tied around your hands.

You were drowsy, the thought of sleep was so enchanting to you at that moment. You let your head drop, and your eyes started to close.

“Look at me, look at me, you’re going to be okay, you’re going to be okay.” He rocked you back and forth, tears falling off his face and onto your skin. The sounds of fighting stopped, Geralt finishing off the last of the bandits.

Geralt knew it was too late. He saw it before with Renfri. All he could do is comfort his friend after, so he made no attempt to interrupt your final moments together.

Your shaky arm reached up to cup his face, using up the last of your energy.

“I’m sorry Jaskier-”

“Don’t say that, no, don’t say that.” He sobbed, grasping your hand.

“I love you.” Your eyes closed, your final breath exiting your lungs.

The gut wrenching sound of a heartbroken bard was the last thing you heard, before everything turned black.

#jaskier #jaskier the bard #jaskier the witcher #jaskier x reader #the witcher #the witcher fanfiction #jaskier fanfiction #jaskier fanfic

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annavolovodov · 5 years

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ya girl saw the downton movie and has some Thoughts

if you followed me at all from 2011-2015 then you'll know i am firmly Team Downstairs and did not want this movie to happen, just so you all know what position i'm coming from here.

everything below is gonna be spoilery af. if you haven't seen it yet and want info just hmu. if you have seen it and want to talk about it please message me bc i’m always up for chatting about Downton.

okay but the title sequence with the music building and cresting as we come up over the hills and get our first shot of downton... goosebumps. tbh i don't know shit about film making but i can't fault the technical aspects (costumes, music, cinematography). the impact of the increased budget was felt from the very first second.

for the plot i’m gonna split things by character to make it easier. i’ll probably go to see it again and maybe after that i’ll have some deeper Thoughts but i missed being able to liveblog during the film so enjoy my rambling first reactions.

upstairs peeps

everything with violet was iconic. i'm glad that they didn't neglect her relationship with isobel and ofc maggie and imelda played fantastically off each other. pretty much everyone has already highlighted the scene with violet and mary at the end and it tied things up perfectly between them. violet and mary are so so similar and violet has been pushing for her to inherit since before S1. the movie showed us that mary is basically running the estate even if she doesn't get the the title and i can totally see why violet is confident in the future of downton now. that being said, i don't think violet will actually die. maggie has been talking about leaving since 2012 and fellowes obviously put this in as a get-out clause for her should she want to go, but i reckon they’ll convince her to do more. if carson's palsy can be mysteriously cured, so can violet's conveniently vague illness.

i already knew that robert and cora weren't gonna be in it much, but i wish we could've seen cora finding out what was happening with edith and helping her out. it wouldn't surprise me if there was a deleted scene there cause that whole storyline felt a little disjointed. i completely forgot that cora knew about the pregnancy and was so confused at how the queen foud out about it all. i don't think we got anything in robert and cora's bedroom, or anything with cora/baxter and robert/bates, which would've also been very welcome but i guess they can only fit in so much.

onto mary: this may be an unpopular opinion but god i miss her long hair. yeah i know it wasn't the style of the time but her wig in this one was tragic and they need to fix it. i absolutely love that t*lbot didn't exist for a solid 95% of this movie and mary got her rightful place ruling downton. i wouldn't say i’m the biggest mary fan but her arc felt like one of the more satisfying ones of the movie imo.

as someone who has been firmly #teamedith from day one i am delighted to see my girl happy and successful. literally all her outfits were A+ and not to be gay on main but those scenes of her in her nightclothes getting ready for bed gave me my rights. i’m sad that she seems like she's either given up her magazine or has less of a role in it now based on what they said outside???? she did seem unsatisfied with aspects of her position so hopefully she'll go back to doing some writing and publishing cause that was a good fit for her, and if edith and bertie are “modern” enough to travel without servants surely edith moving away from traditional grand lady duties and back to her magazine that wouldn't be an issue.

the mention of sybil being gone seven years? yeah. thanks for the pain. tom accidentally saving the monarchy on no less than two occasions is the ultimate "congratulations you played yourself" moment but the fact he thought the army had sent someone to check up on him is the level of republican i'm trying to be on. i'm a bit ehhhh on his relationship with lucy, mainly cause i'd rather the screentime given to the newbies had went to established characters. but like sybil/tom was a wholeass epic romantic slowburn spanning several years through a war and across class divisions n shit and meanwhile lucy/tom have known each other for forty eight hours and had three conversations in a hallway so like obviously that’s just gonna pale in comparison????? like it just is???? i guess i don't hate it but it just was a bit unnecessary and the time coulda been spent on better things.

isobel didn't have all that much to do on her own but i appreciated her scenes with violet and i love that she was the one to figure out that lucy was lady whatever's daughter. penelope wilton's facial expressions during some of the exchanges with violet were great. i see lord merton has also undergone a miraculous recovery from his apparently serious anaemia but he also didn't appear much which was a big win for me!

team downstairs aka the ones i turned up to see

as a downstairs supremacist who has watched the screentime distribution in previous fifty two eps of the show, it’s fair to say i had low expectations going in. i expected a grand total of 10 minutes for the servants combined and i think that's why i was unexpectedly happy with what we got. ideally we would've ditched the subplots involving the personal lives of the royals and all the stuff w imelda staunton and her maid but oh well it could’ve been worse and i'll take any breadcrumbs i can get. anyway i'm eagerly awaiting the team downstairs cut of the film one of yall will hopefully make when the dvd comes out. the only part that was far, FAR too upstairs heavy for me was the last sequence of the film after the royals left and i think we would've benefitted from rounding things off with team downstairs after the ball.

so i guess retirement magically cured the palsy carson had, but i guess after matthew’s miraculous recovery anything can happen at downton when it comes to health. Fellowes is getting a free pass for retconning this one cause i cba with more death/loss. mary going to carson for help and him immediately coming to her aid was very sweet. kinda wish we'd find out what he was up to post-Downton (except for his gardening) tho.

i was expected zero carson/hughes content in this movie and yet !!!! and yet!!!!!! we were somewhat well-fed. like carson (incorrectly) thinking he can control the other servants and mrs hughes' "oh that went well charlie, start as you mean to go on" hdjksjs i love them. and the lil scene in their cottage ugh. also we got more of them using their first names and yeah i guess that makes sense given they've been married for a while now but as i said, i had low expectations.

mrs hughes is still like the best person ever but wbk. her vs. the royal housekeeper = iconic. i kinda felt bad for royal whatsherface in some ways because she clearly didn't know who she was up against THE elsie hughes who has vanquished much scarier foes in her time. the other servants were never gonna win that battle.

the 0.5 seconds of baby bates *chef's kiss* perfection. god i am slightly bitter it was only 0.5 seconds given the fuckin multiseason journey leading up to his birth. tbh we should've ditched everything involving the personal lives of the rando new characters and let baby bates have some of that time but fellowes loves upstairs too much to let that happen. the small interaction was adorable though and i'm glad the mention of his name was subtle enough that we can retcon it cause i truly believe anna and bates would've came up with a more creative choice than that. genuinely i'm so curious about their whole living situation and how they cope with a smol child while working full time but i doubt fellowes even considered that so y’know. what can we do. i enjoyed the breadcrumbs but i wanted more.

i did go into this film with the mindset of "something awful will probably happen to anna or bates," cause that's what usually happens in these things but plot twist!!!! we saw them smile on multiple occassions!!!! what a nice change for us all! i swear every time anna bates smiles an angel gains their wings. her scenes with mary were good and i'm happy their friendship made it into the film. you know what else i was happy to see? the EXTREMELY UNDERRATED brotp between anna and baxter. there was a couple of moments with them standing next to each other or talking to each other and it warmed my heart. like yass two of my fave people are friends. it's a big win for me.

i'm sure i read something about brendan being involved in another project which meant he couldn't film too much (i'm curious to whether this impacted the lack of baby bates scenes?) and while it's true that bates didn't have a ton of scenes, i didn't feel like he was absent which was good.

thomas had the best storyline imo. i don't blame him for being angry that mary brought in carson and it was actually very iconic of him to go off in the library like that. i found it hilarious that while everyone else was panicking at downton he went off on gay adventures. i really wish we'd gotten this "thomas makes a gay friend then discovers the village's underground gay scene THEN gets a boyfriend" in the show cause that would've been SO MUCH BETTER than some of the other stuff that got stretched out across the last couple series (like the love quadrangle with daisy/ivy/alfred/jimmy). like, imagine thomas’ movie plot as a series-long arc. the impact. i liked the guy that was his maybe-boyfriend and i hope any continuation keeps that relationship going.

mrs p and daisy continue to be the mother-daughter duo of the century. i thought both of them were supposed to be moving to the farm post-S6 but i suppose that would've meant they wouldn't be in the film hence why it didn't come to fruition. i guess they could all move once daisy and andy get married. mrs patmore didn't get a great deal to do but i still feel like i saw her a fair amount. comrade daisy was awesome and is definitely me when i see any monarchy-related stuff. somewhere over the last few seasons she's developed into one of the most interesting characters in downton and we don't talk about that enough. andy trashing the boiler was immature af but at the same time i feel like it completely makes sense for daisy to take that as a compliment. it’s just such a daisy thing to do?????

now, there is one thing i kinda fucked up here. while i went into the film with low expectations for everyone else, i fully expected baxley to be A Thing because how could i not and boy did i come out looking like boo boo the fool. i guess baxter and molesley have continued the tradition of Agonisingly Long Downstairs Slowburns which would be okay if we were still getting one season per year but is quite frankly rude when we're on rationed content like this. the first half of the film i thought it was gonna be revealed that they were together or something but then that scene at the end implied they're dancing around each other and my god is it frustrating. i would give so much to trade tom and lucy's romantic subplot for a baxter/molesley one but once again i know that's an unrealistic dream.

definitely not enough baxter in general but that one shot of her, anna and mrs hughes standing in the same frame was worth the price of my cinema ticket. still love molesley even tho he's a monarchist.

in terms of the overall downstairs stuff, i'm euphoric at seeing all these people interact with each other again. as we all know, found family is the best trope and since the servants are literally the epitome of that every moment focussed on them is like chicken soup for my weary soul. was the revolution against the royal servants realistic? no. was it realistic for the two people who came up with most of the plot to be the ones who went to jail for doing literally nothing wrong and would therefore want to avoid stuff that could get them in trouble with an all-powerful family? also no! however, seeing downstairs all working together for a common goal is content that appeals directly to me and i am thankful.

shoutout to the last scene which is the best way the movie could've ended it for me. use of first names AND walking home together? thank u fellowes.

tldr; team downstairs fan who was strongly anti-movie, went in with low expectations, was pleasantly surprised. there are a shit ton of things i’d change but i just really loved seeing these characters who all mean so much to me again. obviously the only reason this film happened was for financial reasons rather than a desire to continue the storyline (cause the finale tied things up perfectly imo) but i wish they'd done a two-part miniseries instead to ensure everyone gets some screentime. two ninety minute specials every few years would work much better if everyone wants to keep downton going but i guess that doesn't bring the cash in like a movie does.

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alyseofwonderland · 4 years

Text

Alyse Reads The Goldfinch, Part 2

What follows is my best attempt at liveblogging. I had the books as an audiobook in hopes that I could keep it from taking even more of my life from me. This was perhaps a mistake. I think I broke Siri trying to make notes. The notes that are rambly are the ones I dictated.

I entirely blame @rollono for my suffering. But I am also aware that it seems to give her joy.

Every time I reference Tara, I am talking about @wellntruly who’s own live blog of the book was the only roadmap I had to follow in this waterlogged wasteland of a novel.

Part 1

I thought Tara was making up the Camel-hair coat bit but APPARENTLY NOT.

Architecture has that much to do with the city and or northern Europe, really? I mean, “whitewash” doesn't everybody do that?

Nina ( @proud-librarian ) is going to have a lot to say about their descriptions of the Netherlands and Amsterdam in this book. like oh my God!

Theo Deckard doesn't understand how thermostats work.

This isn't satire? I don't understand we're like three minutes in and it has to be satire. right. right?

Who the hell says my mother and I didn't like my father much? like what.... what is this? what am I reading? what is happening? what.... I don't understand.... okay maybe fine whatever

This feels like it should be... I don't know.... satire is the word I'm looking for again. I don't want to just repeat what Tara, said but Jesus. the start of the story is he is rich enough to have a Doorman but not rich enough to afford the fancy private school, and him and his friends break into vacation homes in the Hamptons. what is this? what is this? I just... just.... just write a Jane Austen or Lord Byron novel if that's what you want to do just do that. do that.

My audiobook app just turned itself off in the middle of a passage because it decided I didn't need to listen to Theo talk about whatever he was talking about.

Curse you, Donna Tartt, for also being in the "all things coconut smell like suntan lotion" club. I did not want to have this in common with you.

I am laughing so hard it turns silent into my steering wheel because the audiobook reader makes Tom Cable sound like a surfer dude from the 70s, and I. cannot. handle. that.

"I like to think of myself as a perceptive person" is basically the way that I know that Theo has about Harry Potter level skills of observation when it comes to the people around him.

Y'all this book would be so much better if Theo actually thought like a 13-year-old that he is supposed to be in the intro part. That would just be peak comedy, which is really what I'm looking for.

Audrey Decker and the Laura Moon from American gods are now the two people that I have ever known to call men "puppy" which I still find alarming, in both cases. Surprisingly they also both die, so I guess more things they have in common.

The longer this book goes on the more clear it is that I am not bougie enough for its contents. ( timestamp 30 minutes)

(GIF BY @rollono BY MY REQUEST FOR EVERY TIME THIS BOOK MAKES ME FEEL POOR)

I just can't suspend my disbelief enough to think that a 13-year-old would know this much about their parent's job and be able to ask questions. I'm trying to think of what my dad was doing when I was 13, and I mean I know where he worked, and I know who his boss was, but if you tried to ask me daily issues or me giving advice... oh my gosh. I just can't. nobody talks like this.

I’m making a face akin to Kermit the frog.

I threw up in my mouth a little at the description of Pippa walking past in the museum.

Did we just describe a 12-year-old girl's arms as marble? is that what just happened? did I just have to listen to that?

Theo has given me a lot of like “Golden State killer” vibes right now with his desire to poke around through all these people's homes and stuff. like this is clearly the Visalia ransacker's motivation in the 70s. I know too much about true crime, that's what's happening right now.

The true-crime serial killer alarms keep going off in my brain.

I know Tara already mentioned how ridiculous the Murphys bed story is but it really is incredibly ridiculous and breaks the tension of the entire scene that is occurring at the time (laughed uncontrollably to the point that Siri typed nonsense)

I get it, Donna, you know things. You do not have list every fire truck to prove it.

Let's take a child to a dinner at 3 am. Really Donna?

Why does Donna insist on giving me the text of signs around whats going on? Why did I just listen to the smoothie specials while an emotional scene is occurring?

Donna, did you just call Mrs. Barough a weasel? [afronted gasp]

OI! (me shouting when Donna says that Andy was weird for being lactose intolerant.)

Pukes in my mouth a little at the term 'high verbal'. I get it, Donna, you think you are smarter than all of us stop being a dick.

Donna Tartt would make it to r/iamverysmart in like a minute if she understood how the internet worked.

WHO TAUGHT HER ABOUT FMA?

Okay, so either Donna Tartt knows someone who lost a parent and basing this off them or like went through it herself because I am white-knuckling through the grief bits trying not to have my own trauma response to the situation. Or she wrote Theo with like the exact grief I had. Her incessant need to list things in a room is the only thing between me and a spiral of remembering my dad's death.

ANDY IS A RAY OF LIGHT AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE IN THIS FAMILY OR IN THIS BOOK!

Five whole hours before the first sight of Hobie. Like Jesus.

I miss Terry Pratchett.

Hobie thank you for making this book interesting again.

Hobie is now my main squeeze and I won't hear a word against him.

POE DIDN'T INVENT SCIENCE FICTION FUCKING MARY SHELLY DID. DONNA WHAT THE FUCK.

The Hobie part of the story just makes me more sure that a version of the movie should have been without the Baroughers (sp?) and only included Hobie and Pippa.

Any is a murderino. I love this baby boy.

Aw, I love Hobie so so much.

Donna if you call Andy annoying one more time you are gonna catch my hands. (She just referred to his voice as annoying twice in a conversation and I swear to god I will rip this character out of her snobbish clutches she doesn't deserve him.)

Theo on this we agree, I too enjoy Hobie.

Hobie is the only person who belongs in this novel and he's a god damn delight.

SEVEN HOURS AND THE PAINTING HAS COME UP AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LITERAL HOURS.

Theo straight up using Spanish to fuck over his father is just *chef's kiss.

I can see how much contempt Donna has for Xandra is longer and deeper than this book will ever be.

I am going to suplex Larry Decker I swear to god. (i have a very particular trigger to spouses bad-mouthing the dead one due to personal experience.)

Necco wafers are no one's favorite candy Donna. You can't just say shit like that and expect anyone to believe you.

I have just realized that Donna Tartt has never been to a public library. How do I know? Witchcraft books are never on the shelves. Ask any librarian. They are stolen pretty much the moment we buy them.

I am standing dead in the tea aisle at the store because Theo just thought it would be “gay” to tell the doormen he has known almost his whole life he is gonna miss them. (hours later I realize this is her backtracking in edits going "shit shit shit I have to add the repression in somewhere for those dumb readers that don't understand art" and I hate it more.)

Mrs. B is ready to physically fight Larry and I would pay real money to see it.

WHY DOES DONNA KNOW ABOUT DRAGON BALL Z?!? Step away from the things I love Donna I don't trust you near my media. (Also why she does reference it she clearly has NO concept of what DBZ hair would even look like to expect me to believe any child could achieve it.)

oh my god, Boris. I'm so happy to see you.

I am happy to report the audiobook narrator does not do an Australian accent for Boris. Thank the lord.

I knew I was going to love Boris but like a few minutes in I adore him.

It's interesting to me that Theo and Boris seem to have received similar amounts of attention/affection from non-parent adults, but while Theo finds it uncomfortable Boris soaks it in.

The Australian part of Boris's accent seems impossible.

*sobbing audibly into my keyboard* Popchyck

Boris you sweet like socialist.

Comrade Boris we need you in this election.

I'm sad he (Boris) doesn't get to go to college and like piss off every yuppie and hippie, and just make Philosophy 100 and Government 250 absolute hell for everyone.

Drunk Boris at Thanksgiving is a gift.

Me listening to this book before Boris: half paying attention, fucking around on my computer, doing chores. Me after Boris shows up: staring at the middle distance determined to listen to every fucking word because this prison sentence of a novel is finally interesting.

James: you said the author is a snob and you aren't enjoying the main character. Me: yeah James: then stop reading it. Me: No, then Donna and her Anna Wintour knock off hair cut will win. James, frowning and backing out of the room: k sweetie.

6:30 am is too early to hear Theo Decker describe his bed as "our bed"

I WAS RIGHT. Boris belongs in college making every American white kid absolutely furious in every Poli-sci.

Larry Decker calling Theo and Boris his "kids" made my heart skip a beat.

So the nurse notices they don't have vitamins and smell but doesn't call child services. I mean I know that I learned that school nurses are less likely to call CFS on white kids than they are on black kids but like god damn.

The sheer salt of Theo refusing to learn the name of Boris’s girlfriend is so hilarious.

Now *this* is gay.

The truth is Theo is ready to cut a bitch.

Fellas is it gay to do shots while your boyfriend talks about his girlfriend?

Theo trying to set up Boris with like a nice polite girl who won't fuck him is fucking hilarious. This poor baby gay.

Theo (and Donna cuz she writes him) have never heard of learning disabilities and I will legit throw down.

LARRY IS A SCORPIO IN CANON?! I thought that was something from the fan fics. omg Ally hates this.

No one wears white sport coats Donna stop trying to make it happen.

Boris totally knows what's going on with Larry and he's just trying to look out for Theo because he loves Theo but oh my gosh Boris why do you make me feel so many feelings!

Please, Donna, I am begging you to stop telling me what the light from the sun looks like at different times of the day. I just can't take it anymore. Every scene of Theo in Xandra's house does not need the qualifier of what type of sunlight he is seeing. Some times fine. But every time?

My entire stomach just dropped when I realized what Boris has done, and I'm just I'm so sad. this is not how I wanna start my commute to work today.

I have just had my first moments of being very proud of Donna's writing, because long long time ago, in the same chapter, she had the bit about how Xandra will say "apparently" when she's being bitchy with Theo and now in a conversation where Theo isn't paying attention to her she says "apparently" to Larry and I just had to stop and say this, this is the writing I'm looking for Donna. This is clever and interesting and I LIKED IT. Stop making lists and do more of this.

Friendship ended with Book Boris, Movie Boris is my best friend now.

I don't understand how the director and the screenwriter of the film could move who said those lines and then not make it gay. Like, commit to your choice.

My mom: You finish that book yet? Me, angrily: No. My mom slightly worried: do you like it? Me: unclear.

NEW CHAPTER!

Theo, I need you calm all the way down when you are looking at Pippa.

Love this lawyer. I want to be his friend.

God poor Pippa. All the shit she goes through and she still has to put up with Theo's weird obsession.

Theo, you slid right back into the serial killer habits in a second and I want you to stop it.

Oh god, I feel that in my soul. Like "no sir you have it wrong I look more like the parent I like best." (also I do look more like my dad. like way more like him)

I am begging someone to get Theo some kind of hobby or help or something so he stops acting like a victorian ghost.

I am gonna have to get the actual book so I can see what weird spelling is going on with the text messages. I just know its weird. The narrator does it in such a weird voice.

We spent so much time dealing with emotional issues and other whatnot that going back to the bit about the painting feels like a huge tonal shift in the book. I'm like staggering around confused.

Literally no one uses strawberry shampoo.

Love that Theo ‘s final plan is the one Andy purposed an eon ago.

Salty that Theo is getting the cool college experience that Boris would have crushed. I would have paid good money to watch him make the philosophy department cry.

[kermit in the car gif]

Yo! Theo struggling to deal with school is like exactly my semester after my dad died.

The adults attempting to force him into different living arrangements is so what we dealt with post my dad’s death.

Grisha! (Russians the only people I trust atm)

Tara was right, Andy's death comes off like a joke!

I gotta say, Crime Theo is my favorite Theo so far.

I don't know which serial killer Donna was channeling to write the parts about Theo being obsessed with Pippa, but it is just so intensely a serial killer vibe I cannot even begin to describe the look on my face; the feelings I'm having. I'm just like this man is going to kill someone. he's going to kill a lot of people. not only that it's going to be a lot of women because he doesn't view them as people. that's what I'm getting from this it's. Theo doesn't think women are people.

If Theo was on reddit he would be part of r/niceguys and r/iamverysmart.

If I have to listen to him drone on about his fantasies of Pippa for one more minute I will kill myself in the baking aisle of Aldis.

HES HOARDING HER HAIR?! HER UNWASHED CLOTHES?!? Please someone put him in jail.

[the sound of me throwing up in the frozen food section as Theo describes Kitsey]

Donna don’t try to act like you didn’t add that foreshadowing yourself about Andy. You crack me up you relentlessly snob.

How is Theo just The Worst all the time?

Theo freaking out because two gay guys know what’s up with him is just *chef’s kiss

Me having seen only the movie: Theo and Boris should get redemption and a romance run away. Me now: [ gif of “Ive had enough of this guy” from IASIP]

I mean I understand that John Crawley was a coward in so many of his directorial choices, but the fact that he didn't put the second meeting of Theo and this Lucius guy into a crowded weird restaurant where they're both getting hit by the waiters as they go past is just the weakest move you could've made. because this makes it so much funnier.

I'm with Hobie.

honestly this book should've just been 20 hours of art crime and like to shave off a good 10 hours of LISTS because that's what 10 hours is. give me 20 hours of art crime. I would love to watch each sale happen that would've been riveting to read but instead.... this.

Bish, you like those earrings or I will cut you.

Theo salty, while Kitsey picks out new china, is so fucking hilarious.

him just like "why are we buying new plates when my job is literally to find plates that were made by craftsmen?!?!” but being too fucking repressed in his bullshit to say anything, so he just making some poor sales lady suffer.

my friend Ally: “Theo’s repression makes everyone suffer is a good summary of the book.”

Alternative version of this book that would have been 8 million times better: Theo gets into art crimes but is also a serial killer. We don't know the second bit but it begins to start dawning on us as women seem to disappear from his social circles and weird hints of thoughts about blood and rivers. Bonus points if it ends with him on the run from the law with his only vaguely criminal (by comparison to serial killer Theo) boyfriend. We are left to wonder if they will be gunned down in the chase or if perhaps there will be one more body to great the river.

Theo's textbook serial killer nonsense is only comparable to the sheer petty gay energy he gives off.

The power trip he gets from being like "hahaha yes I have bagged the ice princess who wanted nothing to do with me when we were kids" is just so gross and hilarious.

Theo realizing he is not the only sociopath in the room is just *chef's kiss.

Boris, did you really send some guy to just watch your ex?

Boris, I am begging you. You have made Grisha so upset.

Donna shying away from describing Boris comes off, if you don't know who we are talking about, as weird and slightly racist.

You have the internet Theo, you can look up when movies are going to start. You are not living on the moors.

HOW IS THIS BOOK NOT A SATIRE OF AMERICAN PYSCHO FOR PEOPLE THAT HAVE BONERS FOR ANTIQUES?!?

Boris returns. I have almost forgiven him for what he put me through.

Maybe "fuck you" can be our always.

*tries not to cry when I realize that Boris' friends have heard about Theo

bless Aneurin for everything he did for this reunion in the movie.

Why is Boris such a slut? Why will I forgive him for anything?

Is it gay to think about the guy you used to jack off as handsome when you meet each other again?

Genetics means those kids can't be Boris' unless his mother was blonde. (Theo kind of agrees.)

My soul has left my body at the concept of Boris having a wife and kids.

I'm not saying I endorse crime, I'm just saying a mobster front with a pun in the name is really on-brand for me.

Knowing what I Know. That Boris thinks Theo is gonna try to kill him when they go for the "surprise" just makes the whole thing so tragic and sad.

Boris and his dog REUNITED AT LAST. I'm not crying. I'm fine.

Interesting that the next story we hear is about Gyuri's dead "brother" right after Boris says that Theo is "blood of his heart, his brother". Like. I might not be the biggest history buff in the world but I know gay code when I see it.

I mean I knew this was gonna happen, but I can't help but feel personally betrayed by Boris once again.

Donna, stay away from stuff about computers. Your attempts to use them make me, a technology expert, cringe.

Boris like "you don't deserve this dog. I deserve this dog."

"Babe I get that you are a WASP at heart but I need you to fight with me like a Russian now." - Boris to his disaster husband

"Did I lie?" "YES" (me laughing so hard I'm practically crying)

why does no one in this book appear to exchange numbers or like airdrop contact info.

Does Donna think that people only have iPhones?

Ally who is CTRL F reading this book "'Every few hundred pages she's like 'oh yeah, it's modern times...they're texting and there's emojis!' Seriously, there was the mention of emoji's and my soul escaped my body for a minute because it had no tether to time or space" @aces-low

Off the top of my head, the name that Donna is not saying for this Horace to guy is Volkswagen.

Instead of being in the mob Boris should run an animal shelter.

Boris being Bitchy and jelly when Theo is talking to the German guy is just so cute. You two deserve each other with your weird shit.

If Donna wasn't a coward this book would have had Theo just getting eyeballs deep in art crime with Boris and his associates.

Adding a sin for making me listen to whatever that just was.

Things Donna forgot to list in "girl food": chicken wings, bread, rolls, other types of bread, garlic bread, a bit more bread, maybe cookies, eight more cookies, 20 more cookies, every type of chocolate humanly imaginable, jam, and barbecue ribs.

What do ankles have to do with being attractive?!?!?! this isn't the Victorian age!

(from Ally re this comment: “I'm now convinced that every day Donna sat down to write this book she spun a wheel with different years on it, and that's the year the book was set that day”)

I didn't mind Kitsey cheating on Theo, because he doesn't even really like her. Until just now, when I realized that Mrs. B knows about it and she's keeping it from Theo, and my heart broke into 1 trillion pieces. she is the closest thing he has to a mother and he realized that she kept it from him, and I should not be crying in my car before my special Valentine night dinner.

James just walked in during a part describing Pippa and goes "Men writing women, huh?" and I had to pause the book, turn to him and say "a woman wrote this" and he just looks at me like 0_0

Mrs. B clutching Theo's hand so he won't leave her alone with Smalltalk-old-man is honestly the cutest thing in this entire book.

Hobie being able to be spotted from a distance at all times! I have a friend who is 6'5" and we can find him in crowds so easily!

Perhaps the funniest moment of this book is Theo saying "if girls loved assholes then Pippa would love me". buddy I'm going to post this entire book to r/niceguys

I WANT MORE ART CRIME! Why did you make me listen to 15 hours of boring nonsense when we could have had ART CRIME!

I deeply enjoy Boris's commitment to being a dramatic goofball, falling to his knees just be annoying.

Movie Boris appears in a dramatic way. Book Boris is just like there and also shoving food in his face and walking out of the party still eating all the food he just put in his cheeks like a chipmunk.

Hobie just like "if you want to run off with your gay love i'll cover."

Theodor Decker you get back in there and make sure that thief stays away from Nicole Kidman she has been through enough already!

Theo, I know that you don't actually have brains for anything besides drugs, crimes, being weird about women, and your own ass, but you could at least listen when people speak.

Theo is such a mess. He doesn't belong in modern times. He deserves to be Jack the Ripper.

I know the narrator is saying croissant the "correct" way. But every single time it happens I'm so fucking confused because who just leans into a french accent that hard for a single word?

Theo offers an actual good idea that Boris is going to use later and they all look at him like he's crazy.

I know "my brand" is "man holding gun" but listening to Boris assemble a gun I'm like "oh goodness I need to lay down". *fans self

Theo suddenly "I have made a huge mistake"

It's interesting to me how reluctant Boris is to make Theo a larger part of the heist. Theo reads it as frustrating but I read it like a kind of care and affection. He doesn't want his friend mixed up in something he can't handle, despite the fact that he wants Theo close so he can get him the painting back.

I see now why the heist in the movie was so fucking confusing. You need the Horst stuff and like a bunch of other nonsense that does not translate well to screen unless you re-write all the connections, which John Crowley was not willing to do.

Really love the "women drop their mark the first time" bit.

me: Theo I swear to god stop being high and sick in your room and go get some actual clothes and medication or at least don't make me listen to so much of it

this book is not 30 hours long. its 15 hours of a book and 15 hours of Donna going "gotta get that word count up or people with think I'm weak". Please, Donna. I don't need to hear this one thing happen for so long. It adds nothing to the tone, the themes, the plot, or the ambiance. You are just writing words for words sake.

The first suicide note was so well crafted that I honestly want Theo to kill himself now. If he can manage to write the others pretty okay I will be happy with this ending.

Don’t think I didn’t notice that the ghost of a dead loved one appeared on Christmas Eve.

I'm sorry who doesn't respond to "didn't you get my text?" with "my phone was dead" instantly?

me listening to Theo throw a tantrum at Boris because neither of them is capable of explaining themselves and like speaking as normal humans do: "It would have been better if Theo died"

Why must I be forced to listen to Donna make these scenes longer because these people don't talk like people?

Thud by Terry Pratchett does a much much better job of asking the question "can we trust our hearts and be the person we want to be?" And it honestly gives a better answer. And has you know, clever writing.

I thought it was like Over. I did. I was like "oh this is it wrapping up" ONLY THERE IS 30 MORE MINUTES AND I WANT TO SCREAM!

Me certain the book is over: i mean maybe this is a good ending

Me seeing i still have 30 more minutes: this is the worst book ever

This book held me fucking captive for over a week and all it left me with was like a few good lines, burning hatred for the main character, and the desire to go into Donna's home and rearrange all her stuff.

also, I now hate antiques. out of spite.

don't read The Goldfinch. it's not worth it y’all.

#jabberwockytalkies #words #donna tartt i just wanna talk #the goldfinch #alyse watches stupid movies #theodore decker #boris pavlikovsky #larry decker #xandra #donna tartt #this book beat me up and took my money and my will to put up with men

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aspoonofsugar · 4 years

Note

While I don't want Falco to be fed to Mrs. Springer, I take issue with your negatively comparing Jean and Connie against Nicolo or Shadis. Nicolo is an honorary Braus because he dated Sasha, and he has assumed a caring role for the honorary/adopted Braus children. Shadis chose to be the leader of the Trainee Corps and has also assumed care for the trainees. To Jean and Connie, Falco is an enemy cadet and potential Warrior. Both sides use child soldiers. Feeding him to Mrs. Springer (1/3?)

would be entirely just within their world's rules of war. Would you also posthumously condemn Erwin for having fed class after class of recruits to the titans while protecting his friends? Also, I think you're extremely hard on the remaining 104thers by calling them "immature." They're 19, which might be an adult in our world but is still a very young, unfinished adult. They were all child soldiers fighting titans at 15, Mikasa and Armin have additional childhood trauma, and (2/3) Connie of course lost most of his family at 15 and his mom has been a semi-mindless titan for 4 years. IMO they're doing an incredible job trying to process the unprecedented events going on and handle them as best they can. (3/3)

Hey! I felt so disappointed in the 104th this chapter (124). Armin especially. Like, there is so much happening right now but he was more worried about keeping the peace with the warriors. I love Armin but since the time skip I think he's become non complacent maybe? As for Jean and Connie, talking about who to feed Falco to frankly pissed me off tbh. Same anon I know the general consensus in the fandom is that Jean was trying to make sense of the situation, but in my opinion, he was being a hypocrite. Like in chapter 108 he told Mikasa she's wrong for having trust in Eren and wanting to believe in Eren but now jean is the one doing what Mikasa did in 108. He's trying to justify Eren's actions. And Connie, I get his mother was turned into a mindless titan. Its traumatizing but that doesn't justify wanting to feed Falco to his mom. I'm sorry, but I'm ready to see Connie die. I felt so disappointed in the 104th. But I do think Mikasa had the best response. Which was no response at all. She no longer views Eren in an idealized light, so she doesn't justify Eren's actions because she knows eren has f***ed up. Mikasa was rather more concerned about Falco which I liked. I was ranting a little or maybe a lot? Lol. I'm sorry about that.

Hello anons!

I think your two asks can be used to comment each other, so I am answering the two of them together!

In short, I think that it is important to distinguish between two different ways of reading and relating to characters in a work of fiction.

The first one consists into seeing the characters as proper people, so different people would react to them differently according to their moral systems, triggers and personal tastes.

I think that both your reactions are rooted into this approach and you both show how it is possible to react to the same characters in almost opposite ways. I think that both your POVs are valid since the 104th’s actions in the latest chapter can be disappointing, but can also be understood if one considers their psychological state. In short, it is not wrong to be angry at them and it is not wrong to empathize with them.

The second approach is to simply consider them as characters aka as beings who are in a story for a specific reason. If snk were not a narrative, it would be understandable if our main casts simply chose to retire and to live happily. However, since we are in a story, it would be upsetting if Mikasa, Armin or Jean simply chose to leave the army and to work in the country-side, while the rest of the world is going to war. They would simply not be in the main plot anymore and I doubt this is what the readers would want when it comes to them. Similarly, it would have been realistic for Annie to simply stay in her crystal forever, but, since she is a character, readers were expecting her to eventually come out and if she didn’t, it would have been a let down.

My latest metas are talking about the 104th as characters and so I am comparing them to Shadis and to Nicolo not because I think these two are better people than them, but simply because the chapter suggests the comparison. The relationship between adults and children is a very important one throughout the series and the chapter explores it once again. To be more specific, the subplot of Shadis and the trainees and of Gabi, Nicolo and Kaya are clearly paralleled since the story jumps from one to the other. In both cases, there are children who risk to die and they are both saved by a person they hurt/tried to hurt (Shadis and Gabi). Finally Nicolo protects Gabi differently from what he did in the past and he repeats Mr Braus’s quote. That quote is about adults protecting children. Here, Nicolo is giving it a more general spin since he is talking about people in general. However, he is doing so to help Gabi and Kaya to understand their contradictive feelings. In short, he is trying to guide the two kids. This is different from what he did in chapter 111 and it is important because in chapter 112 he claims that he is not a man like Mr Braus is. Here, he is showing that he has grown and has matured and that he is trying to be a better person.

In short, both subplots are meant to show us a reconciliation and this reconciliation involves both adults and children growing into their respective roles.

Now, when it comes to the 104th, the story is asking them to grow up and there is no doubt about it. All in all, snk is a coming of age story where kids grow up and face the complexity of the world. This is made even clearer after the time-skip, since we are shown our main casts as young adults and a new generation has been introduced. In short, the 104th are not the kids of the series anymore and they will have soon to accept newer and more difficult roles. This is why the people from the old generation who have guided the main characters up until now are all slowly dying. We have seen it in this chapter as well with Pixis’s death.

Now, again if snk were real, there would be nothing bad with young teenagers not accepting the role of heroes or of leaders of their people, but snk is a story and so the characters must fulfill their role for it to work.

I would also say that I disagree with the first anon’s comparison between Erwin and Connie.

Erwin kept sacrificing comrades both to fulfill his dream and for the sake of his people. What is more, the series doesn’t completely justify these sacrifices and shows how tragic they were and how Erwin himself felt guilty about them. Erwin’s strategic choices might have been correct, but this didn’t make them easier to accept both by others and by Erwin himself. Finally, the tension of Erwin’s arc was between the ideal image he showed people where he was completely selfless and his true human self who was driven by personal dreams like everyone else. The pain of what he perceived as a contradiction was solved in him finally giving up his dream and choosing the common good over himself. This is what gave Erwin peace.

Connie’s situation is different. He wants to bring back his mother because of personal reasons and not because it is a good strategic choice from which everyone would benefit. If that were what Connie was going for, then it would have been better to accept Jean’s suggestion and to feed Falco to Pixis aka the commander. However, Connie’s wish to have his mother back has nothing to do with the current war and is simply a personal one. Connie acting selfishly is highlihgted also by him leaving his comrades and friends to face the titans alone while he leaves with Falco. Jean, Mikasa and Armin all try to fulfill their duty of soldiers, to save their comrades and to protect the civilians, but Connie simply leaves with a prisoner in order to save a loved one. His behaviour is understandable considering the fact that he has clearly been repressing a lot f negative feelings, but it is clearly not one I would call responsible.

That said, it is interesting to notice that his reasons are perfectly understood by Gabi:

Gabi doesn’t call Connie a monster and understands from where he is coming from because she herself is driven by similar feelings.

In short, I think the narrative is showing understanding for Connie, but his choice is clearly the wrong one and I don’t think he will go through with it.

I would also like to highlight that the current situation with Falco, Connie and Jean reminds me of the serum bowl which is even mentioned in the chapter:

Like back then, the MC have a prisoner they think to sacrifice in order to save another person and they are even fighting about whom they should save.

Jean argues that they should save the commander exactly like Levi, Hange and Floch did back then.

Connie is on the other hand arguing that they should save a loved one, like Mikasa and Eren did. Connie even lashes out at Armin who in the end was the one saved because of Levi’s personal feelings.

What is interesting is that in the serum bowl there was no-one vocing for Bertholdt being saved. At that time, sacrificing an enemy was something everyone had accepted and the problems was simply between making a pragmatic choice or a more personal one. However, right now Armin and probably Mikasa are not happy to kill a child and Gabi has come to bring Falco back. In short, I would not be surprised if the whole conflict around Falco would be solved in what is basically an inversion of the serum bowl. Neither a pragmatic nor a personal choice is made and the enemy is spared.

As far as the second anon is concerned, I have rambled about the 104th in many different asks, so I advise you to check the tag of the current chapter I will put under this ask as well in order to have more thoughts on them.

Thank you for the ask!

#snk #snk 124 #asksfullofsugar #anonymous

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buckys-old-habits · 5 years

Text

Thinking Out Loud

Pairing: Bucky x Female Reader

Inspiration: “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran

Warning: Angst, Character Death

Word Count: 2.2 k

When your legs don't work like they used to before And I can't sweep you off of your feet Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks

He didn't know about anything that happened after he fell and got caught by HYDRA. How could he? He was just a machine, used and broken for their purposes.

So when he finally came back and started to be himself again he learned what he missed, what he lost when he didn't even know what he had before.

His best friend lost the love of his life, was there when she left this place behind. And Bucky couldn't be there for him, couldn't say goodbye to his amazing female friend.

He lost his comrades from the war, they all survived and he is glad about that, but they died without knowing that he was still somehow alive.

He surpassed them even if he doesn't deserve it in his opinion but he did and he tries to do his best to make them proud.

Memories came back and one night there was a picture in his mind that he couldn't believe was true.

He confronted Steve about it and what he heard left him numb and somewhat guilty. But the hardest thing was that he forgot about this amazing person.

“She is still alive”, Steve said to him and Bucky wanted to know where.

“Will she remember me?”, Bucky asked his friend, afraid and with a heavy heart. “Because I couldn't and know I suddenly see her smile in front of me.”

Steve just smiled sadly and told him to see for himself.

And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70 And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23 And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways Maybe just the touch of a hand Oh me I fall in love with you every single day And I just wanna tell you I am

And that's what he did.

The next day he stands in front of the building where his fiancée lived. Anxiety grips on his heart when he takes the piece of paper from his pocket and compares the number of the door with Steve's handwriting.

It's the right one.

But is he ready to step in and face his lost love that he forgot? That he has last seen when he was 24 and now he is over 90 years old and still alive and agile.

Taking a deep breath he slowly pushed the door open and the smell of lavender greets him.

A new memory flashes in front of his eyes, a date with his beautiful dame when she nearly fell into the lake by the lavender garden. He saved her and they laughed like the carefree young adults they were back then.

Carefully he steps into the room and his eyes fall onto the old, fragile looking woman in the big bed.

She meets his gaze and suddenly Bucky feels his heart thumping in his chest. Warmth floods him and a smile tugs on his lips.

Even after so long he still feels love for the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen.

So honey now Take me into your loving arms Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars Place your head on my beating heart I'm thinking out loud Maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades And the crowds don't remember my name When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm I know you will still love me the same

Her eyes focus on him and Bucky shallows hard before closing the door behind him and walking towards the bed.

Silence settles between the two, low music in the background from the old radio on the table. Bucky studies the aged features of the woman, his girl. She does the same with him and slowly her eyes light up, a youthful glimmer that makes her seem younger than a few moments ago.

“What took you so long?”, she asks him, a low, raspy tone and Bucky can't help but smile softly.

He brings a chair to the bedside and sits down, unsure if he can touch her or if he lost this right.

She takes the decision from him and lifts her hand to lay it on his cheek, thumbing away the tears that fall without Bucky's knowing.

“So handsome...”, she murmurs and he laughs softly, pressing a kiss to her palm before taking it in his own hand.

“You look gorgeous, doll”, he whispers and she shakes her head.

“I'm old, Buck. I'm bedridden and...”, she trails off and just looks at him, takes him in, her lost lover.

“I missed you.”

Bucky lays his forehead on her hand when he hears this words leave her mouth and sniffs, tears spilling from his eyes.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry...”, he mumbles, not able to stay strong anymore.

She soothes him and slowly pulls him towards her, letting his head rest on her chest. Her hands stroke his long brown tresses and he shakes in her embrace.

“It's fine, James. It's fine...”

'Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it's evergreen Baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways Maybe it's all part of a plan I'll just keep on making the same mistakes Hoping that you'll understand

He came back every day after this.

Talking to his love, catching up with her life and slowly falling deeper and deeper in love with her again.

He learned that she couldn't bring herself to fall for another man after he was deemed dead. She wore the ring he gave her before he left for war ever day and waited for a miracle that he would come back.

He felt guilty that she lived in grief over him when he was still alive but she chided him for that and told him that she decided that for herself. And that he is here again, never left actually.

“You're not old”, he tells her after she rambled about her aching bones again.

She giggles lowly and shakes her head. “I am, Buck.”

“No”, he protests and takes her hand in his. “You're still as snarky as you were before, still as funny and definitely still as beautiful.” He kisses her forehead and she smiles at him, small tears in her eyes.

“You are a charmer, James Buchanan Barnes. That's how you got the ladies back then.” “That's how I got you, Doll.”

“No, you tripped over a bump in the road and fell flat on your face. Your nose was bleeding”, she reminisced and he cringes at this, the memory flashing in front of his eyes.

“What can I say, Doll? I feel for you from the first moment”, he tries to hide embarrassment but she just raises her eyebrow at him and laughs.

“You said that back then too. Before you clawed onto Steve's jacket from the pain in your nose.” Bucky groans but a smile tugs on his lips. “It hurt.”

“Big baby”, she teases and he kisses her, partly to shut her up but mostly because he fell deeper in love with her.

But baby now Take me into your loving arms Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars Place your head on my beating heart I'm thinking out loud That maybe we found love right where we are, oh

“Bucky?”, Steve knocks on the door to his friend's room but doesn't get an answer.

The brunet came back from his visit to his fiancée and just stomped into his room, ignoring the greetings from his comrades.

Shortly after Steve got a text from said woman which just read “Tell him I'm sorry...”.

Needless to say that he was concerned about you both.

That's why he stands in front of Bucky's room and tries to coax him into talking to him.

“Buck, please talk to me”, faintly he can hear sniffling from inside and then suddenly a loud crash.

Taking desperate measures Steve kicked the door in and saw the utter chaos in the room. Holes in the walls, the furniture tipped over or partly destroyed, the bed a mess of feathers and fabric and in the middle of this a crying, broken Bucky.

His hair is a mess, his eyes red and puffy from crying and his right hand bloody from punching things.

“Buck?”, Steve slowly walks towards his friend, afraid of scaring him away or Bucky lashing out at him. He would take it, but he knows that it would hurt Bucky more.

“What happened?”, the blonde asks carefully and Bucky finally looks at him. His blue eyes tinted with hurt and anger.

“She's dying...”, Bucky whispers, his voice hoarse and broken.

Steve takes a deep breath, already expecting something like that. Flashbacks to Peggy's death flooding his mind but he shakes them off for the sake of being there for his best friend.

“She is old, Buck...”, Steve says and Bucky scoffs dryly. “I know that I'm not stupid”, he snarls back and walks towards the bed, sitting on the destroyed sheets and pillow.

“I know that.”

Steve stays silent, not sure what he should do or say. Nothing will ease the pain in Bucky's heart, nothing will take away the fear of losing his love for good this time.

“She's sick... Was a long time, even before I meet her again”, Bucky whispers and Steve nods slowly.

“She kept it from me... She lied that she was okay, but today she told me... Her doctor said that she would maybe live for another few weeks, not more.”

Bucky's shoulders shake again and he can feel the tears burning in his eyes. He buries his face in his hands, gasping for air, gasping for the happiness he thought he had.

He knew that this day will come, the day she will take her last breath, but he pushed it away. Stupidly thought that finally, he can be happy.

“I will lose her, Steve. And this time she won't come back like a damn miracle.”

So baby now Take me into your loving arms Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart I'm thinking out loud That maybe we found love right where we are

The room is silent, except for the breathing from the two people in it. One is steady and strong, the other raspy and choppy.

He holds her hand, the skin soft but wrinkly. He watches her, studies her face. Her eyes, her lips, her wrinkles all over her skin, her gray hair, everything.

“James?”, her voice is hoarse but still melodic in his ears.

“I'm here, Doll. I'm here”, he assures her and she smiles lightly before her grip tightens on his right hand. “Lay down with me, please.” Slowly he obeys her wish and cradles her fragile frame into his bulky and warm one. A satisfied hum leaves her lips and he presses a kiss against her hair.

“Thank you”, she whispers and he stares up at the ceiling.

“For what?”, he asks just as silent and carefully tugs her closer to his body, warming her cold skin.

“For everything until now. Loving me, proposing to me, coming back here, staying now...”, she trails off and he can feel the sting in his eyes.

“Nothing to thank for, Doll. I should thank you for accepting and loving me.”

After that, the couple stays silent. Bucky staring at the ceiling, fighting against his tears and the oncoming heartbreak.

His love nestles into his chest, feeling the warmth emitting from him and hears his steady and strong heartbeat. It soothes her, makes her feel like she is a young adult again, falling in love with this amazing man beside her. She doesn't feel remorse, she doesn't feel sad, she just feels happy. Happy to be here, to see that her lover is still alive and with her in this moment.

She knows that it will break his heart, she knows. But nonetheless, she is calm about the next minute, feeling already what will happen.

Looking up at him she smiles softly, feeling her heart thumping loudly for a short moment at the sight of this handsome soldier. “James?”

Slowly he looks at her and she studies his features, burning them into her mind so that she will dream of him later.

“I love you.”

He chokes back the sob and tightens his hold on her, not wanting her to go. But he can't hold her back like that, he knows that.

“I love you too, Doll. Always have, always will”, he whispers back and presses a tender kiss on her forehead.

His tears slip down his cheeks when he hears the ongoing beep of the machine beside him. Her heart stopped, her last breath left her body, the last glimmer vanished from her eyes.

His sobbing is painful in his chest and he cradles his lover to his body, rocking her back and forth. But he knows...

He knows she's gone without any chance of coming back. He lost her again and this time for good.

Oh maybe we found love right where we are And we found love right where we are

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thegorydamnreaper · 5 years

Text

Long Post! the rest of the ask & my answer below the cut!

Hi! I have a few more words to say than the alloted 500 characters of an ask, hope you don’t mind.

I wanted to disscuss with you if you have time, the fact that Pierce Brown managed to get full control of writing for the RR tv show. I know it’s too early to say something, but in the light of recent events (awful finales and so), I became more aware of how amazing it is. I really think our high hopes will be paid off handsomely.

I don’t know about you, but…when I look back at what my favorite RR characters have done in the series, I think that I am so bloodydamn grateful that Pierce Brown is the writer for the tv show.

Simply because, if we look at what the writers have done to Daenerys Targaryen, we can conclude that purity police would have wank material for decades to come.

I mean, all of the Gold characters (and Darrow) killed an innocent in the Passage. In Iron Gold Darrow burnt a slaver (who was also a genocidal maniac and according to Apollonius, not that repetant about it either). In Morning Star Virginia comdemned and killed her own twin brother (another genocidal maniac). Sevro keeps in mind the number of people he killed with his razor alone inventarized by Color. Victra forsakes everything when it comes to saving her kids, even morals or the benefit of the doubt. The Telemanuses are not on friendly terms with demokracy and they let vengence cloud their judgement. Cassius facilitated the death of a comrade and of his liege (although, they deserved it) and killed Fitchner and put his head in a box.

By that logic, we should have all these people go mad at the sound of bells and start attacking people at random. All that in order to justify their deaths (preferably by a ‘pure-hearted’ loved one). Awful right!

Thing is, Pierce Brown has established over and over again that 1. Revolution is necessary by any means (and Golds aren’t the type to just accept that, it’s not in their culture or DNA) and 2. You have to destroy (old ways) so you can rebuild (a new world).

What he also made very clear was that everyone has their sins, every character can be the villain is someone else’s story and…basically nobody is perfect. Nothing is black and white. Human souls are made out of shades of grey.

This stupid idea that revolutions always need to be peaceful, otherwise they are evil, is just that. Stupid! If the status quo is inherently wrong from its roots (even for the class it benefices), it should be radically changed. And if force is necessary (and it is, the author established that and reinforced it over and over again every change he got and in a way that it felt natural), then it should be used. Even Cassius, who protected the status quo despite the fact that it took his away his twin (indirectly), realised that it should be changed.

Demokracy is radical change for the status quo. But you cannot make it without the proper tools - power to destroy the symbols of the old world. Virginia installed demokracy because she (with the Rising and all the allies) conquered Luna first. And they all did it using force and manipulation. Otherwise it couldn’t have been done.

And she tried! Tried to change the status quo without demokracy. Tried to make conpromises. First, she tried to back up rights for lowColors and interColor couples. She joined the Reformist current. We all know how frowned upon they are in Gold Society. And how that never really worked in the midst of Civil War (although she is presented with a chance - Nero called the Reformists to ally with him, but he planned to kill them after he was done using them).

Then she compromised when she thought Darrow dead for months, Sevro wasn’t answering her, she lost the battle at Deimos against Roque and the only thing standing between Adrius and her son was some asteroids and the secrecy of his birth. She negociated with Octavia and asked to be ArchGovernor of Mars so her son could get the chance to live. I mean…the Rim forces were in theters and it was only so long until Octavia gained the Rim back. And she led the rebels. Of course, she would have gotten a death sentence or prison and her son would have been taken hostage or worse. Thing is, she was desperate. Otherwise she wouldn’t have done it.

Point is, in terms of revolutionary themes, morally grey characters, grey morality in general, the RR series cannot be adapted as anything else, but what it actually is if it has any hopes of being well-done. And the fact that the author who created this series in the first place will write full-time for the tv series is a blessing. Simply because, we know that we won’t wake up with ‘burning slavers was bad all along and is a sign of madness’.

I know it is a low bar to set, but given that a show of such magnitude did that, I kinda have to.

Of course, the books aren’t perfect, but the show can capitalise on that and improve things.

Thing is, I don’t want some purist approach to this series in any way, shape or form. It causes bias and messes up the entire story. And even the smallest chance that we’ll get the adaptation we deserve really makes me happy.

What so you think, though? About PB’s approach to revolution and grey morality? Would he be able to pull it off in the show as well? (I do think he can if he isn’t inpedimented).

Also, do you also have high hopes for the RR show?

Sorry for the long rant, I just need to get it off my chest ( I don’t take well to my faves being disposed off for the sake of some centrist garbage).

–

Hi darling!!! I love all of this! I’ll do my best to answer and expand on your thoughts, but it might get a bit ramble-y at times. Also idk why but the format is all screwed up BUT! here we go:

Firstly, and this is something I’ve said before and will keep on saying: THE CREATOR OF A STORY WILL ALWAYS KNOW MORE ABOUT IT THAN MOVIE/TV STUDIOS. They are the ones that created a world that became successful in the first place. Why anyone would want to deviate from something that has already been proven itself to an audience is beyond me. So good for PB, because at the very least we can trust that the end product will be truer to the books than any other failed shows/movie we’ve seen in the past.

Now some thoughts on books involving revolutions and revolutionaries:

1. They are inherently bloody, brutal, and violent. It’s the victors (the revolutionaries OR the old regime, depending on the story) that get to write the story of what happened, and they often gloss over their own crimes to portray themselves as heroes. Truth is hard to find, because it’s all perspective. THAT BEING SAID, revolutions are not inherently bad. In RR, even the Golds are harmed by the Society, though they’re supposedly at the top. Remember Julian? Or any of the other Golds that died at the Institute? Or how the Institute was rigged in favor of the Jackal, even if he didn’t deserve to win? The ONLY reason that happened is because the Society was inherently toxic. Sacrifices will have to be made in order to bring about a new, better, world - otherwise it’s just not a realistic story.

2. How does Red Rising differ from GOT on this? (Brace yourselves for a lot of salt here!) With GOT, Daenerys Targaryen, arguably the greatest revolutionary thinker for the duration of ASOIAF, experienced a fatal case of bad writing at the very end. But, looking back to what the real character wanted, it’s clear that she never punished those who were undeserving, even if it was brutal at times. Those that betrayed her were afraid of the change she would bring, because it meant they would those their power. In my opinion, Dany never would have set KL on fire on purpose - that’s a lot more Cersei. When faced with enemies, Cersei is brutal and utterly callous when planning their destruction. I think it’s far more in character for her to have set KL on fire by blowing the wildfire caches, than it is for Dany to hear bells and go “mad.” I can talk more about this, but let’s look to RR characters now.

All of your points on Darrow/Mustang/Sevro/Victra/Cassius are all spot-on. None of them are blameless. But I want to point out what might possibly be one of Darrow’s greatest “crimes” and a great analogue to the burning of KL- the burning of the Docks of Ganymede.

The death count was mind-boggling, the people innocent - and still, Darrow made the choice to burn them. Yes, Victra gave the order, but it wasn’t her call to make. He annihilated them, because he wanted to prevent further destruction. It was a calculated move, but that doesn’t make him “mad,” nor does it mean he view the people who died as lesser creatures (as Cersei or a different Gold might have). It was a measured choice that put his character in conflict and THAT is what made that scene good writing. He had to make a decision that went against his core beliefs, because it allowed the Rising to rid themselves of a future threat.

3. Okay, now about fandoms. People who read books like GOT and Red Rising are looking into a world that is similar to our own, but far enough away from us to feel safer (by that I mean the choices of Sevro or Jon Snow have zero impact on our real world politics). But because of that similarity, they can critique the world we actually live in. And I think that’s why so many people are upset with Thrones - the ending showed that no matter how much we dream of a different, better world, ultimately things never change. Whereas with RR, Darrow wins! They have a Republic, they have the start of a new world! Iron Gold and the ensuing books show the reality of fighting to maintain that dream - because again, it wouldn’t be realistic to just magically have a perfect world - but I think that it’s a good balance between hope and realism to make it worth reading.

So those are my thoughts! Moral purity is unrealistic and can stay the hell away from my beloved books and cheers to PB for (hopefully) maintaining creative control. I think if the show is on the right network, with the right creative team it could be done really well, and stay true to the heart of the series.

My hopes are high, though only time will tell if I regret that statement 😅

#red rising #iron gold #pierce brown #darrow au andromedus #sevro au barca #darrow of lykos #howlers #sons of ares #mypost #submission #ask #astrea #darrowsrising ‘s ask

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schizo-spoon-blog · 4 years

Text

Spoonbender Society: Selected Schizoepistles

FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:

We Live In A Society

People say we live in a democracy/democratic republic, a form of government intended to amplify what people think and address problems they find to be important. But it doesn’t ever seem to function that way.

The issue is in voter suppression, but as always not in the way people generally think voter suppression works. The issue is psychic, spiritual, and social suppression of citizens. Systemic over-development of senses of rationalization, neuroticism and anxiety, industrially incentivized narcissism.

People develop a deathly fear of what others think, or may think, or what they may have thought about them or what they think, what they may think, or what they may have thought.

A democracy where we’d rather not hear what other people have to say, because we find their thoughts offensive and retarded. That’s one thing people are happy to share. But because we suspect that there are so many offensive retards in the world, we fear... "Perhaps I’m a retard too?" You wonder that even for just a second in your life, if you have a soul. It’s OK to be a retard really, but you’ll never believe that it’s OK, and that's probably What Your Fucking Problem Is.

The opinions of us purported non-retards, to avoid sounding like complete retards, end up soft, ambivalent and stale, phrased like True Neutral Orgasm in Ego-Death Nirvana, but less Chad, less gratifying, and nobody cums. To not be reminded of the possibility of our own retardation, we like to pretend that if the retards just shut up and nobody can hear them, they go away. If they are Physically Removed from our presence, their evil thoughts and their malicious intentions will go away with them. We win. But they don’t. They never do.

We always fail to Psychically Remove them. We lose.

We can hypothesize a law of conservation of hatred, correlate one too of love, but the truth is banal. How can it be in light of our timeline? Why are these Hate Groups all over the place? Hitler’s corpse is rotting or burned to a crisp, or embalmed in a tomb or made a toilet for Some Rich Dude ((parenthetical removed)). (Or was he cloned?)

Great Fatherland Germany - defeated by the "untermensch" and partitioned like a cheese between rats. That Great "Faustian" and "Supreme" "Aryan" Race is subjugated by the hated "Juden" and all the "vermin" of the world, humiliated, castrated to be reunited a shadow of its former self. Yet the Nazi threat is omnipresent nearly a century later, in an era which may be an alien planet to those who lived in Hitler’s time.

How is it that the Great Allies, our fathers and grandfathers, achieved such total victory over so loathsome a foe, so unsympathetic and vile, only to see his Evil infect their own countrymen and posterity? How can something so thoroughly defeated still persist in what could be our neighbors or our co-workers our bosses or our employees? Each one could be a secret Nazi now. In parenting blogs moms worry that their children are becoming Nazis from goofy men they see in videos on line. Marriages are ending in divorce because the husband or wife is allegedly or apparently a Nazi. How could this happen?

Have you ever seen “The Matrix? Who hasn’t? You know all about the red and blue pills, and all the rainbow-flag DLC that it comes with, black and pink and green and brown and in configurations invisible to the human eye, I’m sure. If you don't know, the pills are portals to different realities. Take the black pill and you only see death, take the white pill and everything’s alright, take the blue pill you vote for Hillary, take the pink you become genderqueer. But this is not about taking any pills. This is about going off your meds. Going straight edge - except for whiskey, cigarettes, cocaine and pussy. It’s about the spoon - no, not for shooting up. It's for bending - with your mind. Remember? That spoon - The Spoon That Isn’t There.

That spoon is a Nazi.

If you are aware that there is no spoon you can tie it into knots. You can make it into a balloon animal. That Nazi Spoon could be a Jewish Socialist from Vermont, or a kosher Brooklyn Zionist, or a Dominican Taxi Driver. It could be an evil copy of your own son from Bizzaro World. It's probably your uncle. It could be Rottweilers, and Chihuahuas. Whether Pitbulls are Nazis or Jews/Blacks is an ongoing debate in the contemporary discourse.

But imaginary shit can be whatever the hell you want. You don’t have to be "The One" to Bend the Spoon. You don’t have to be anyone at all. What was the name of the kid who said the line about the spoon again? Nobody knows, nobody cares, and that's the beauty of Spoonbending.

"The Nazi" is the guy who keeps talking when he should shut up. He might be autistic, but he could just be an asshole. There is a strong possibility he could be both. Why does he keep saying all of this ridiculous stuff? He’s more offensive and more retarded than the usual, but it feels like He Has To Be This Way. Like it’s his curse, He Knows Too Much. He fell down some rabbit hole and ended up gorged on Fascist Propaganda. He mentions some girl named Celine. He rambles on about some guy you’re pretty sure is a Tekken character... the guy who turns into the Devil maybe. He mentions a vacation in Turkey with his family but insists on saying Constantinople and there’s a wild-man tear in his eye. He insists he knows about Atlantis and calls you gay for saying you liked Aquaman. Instead of saying goodbye he says “Subscribe to Pewdiepie.” The Nazi belongs in an institution. You wonder if he has guns and if maybe he should have them taken for a while. He probably doesn’t, but you can’t be sure. He’s 12.

When is it too early to become a school shooter? Is 12 too early to be an incel?

12 is probably the age at which incels hatch from their human hosts.

“Who is Pewdiepie, and how has he groomed my nephew into the Hitler Youth?” many families today are asking. They think they’re looking at a spoon. Conditoning fills your heart with a desperate desire to see the spoon. A fact, pure fact, logical, reasonable, peer reviewed, widely accepted, So True, a Textbook Fact. The spoon. Everyone else sees it too. That goddamn Nazi Spoon.

You ever try to ask this at a party as an ice-breaker and see how the guests react?

“So, anyway, was The Holocaust Real?”

“Excuse me, what?”

“What do you think, was it real, how many people do you think died, don’t the gas chambers sound goofy to you?”

”Um… no… they don’t sound goofy. What are you talking about?”

“You ever hear about the Nazi Roller-coaster they had at one of the camps? They’d put Jews into a roller-coaster except they’d fly off the edge and get splattered. That’s how the Nazis killed ‘em. I swear. I read it in a book by a Holocaust Survivor. Impossible to believe if it weren’t so True. No shit. You hear about that?”

”I’m… gonna get another beer.”

Of course there’s a Correct answer to that initial question. It’s also the Right answer. Who would ever get this wrong? It's the 2+2=X of History. Well…

Pop-Quiz, Random Nazi Check, Anybody here Hate Jews? You a Groyper, Son? What’s so funny? You think the Cookie Monster committing genocide is a laughing matter boy? We don’t take kindly to your kind around here.

Maybe you should give the Nazi-check thing a try, it’ll separate sheep and goat real easy for you.

If you do this everyone will think you are The Nazi.

The Nazis hated Jews, but did they hate real Jews as Jews exist, or did they hate the Fascist Propaganda Jew who was a work of fiction? On that note, were you in love with your last failed relationship, or just pretending you were? Have you ever had one impression of a person, but then learned they were another kind of person entirely? That first impression you had, the one that wasn’t True, was that a Real Person, or Imaginary? But you still spent all that money and sweat on an imaginary girl, huh?

Hope her hole was real.

I think that fake bitch of an ex you dated was a nazi. Your ex was a fascist. Oh, was she Jewish? It doesn’t matter, changes nothing. I’ve never met her - wouldn't matter if I did. When I imagine her, she's in Hugo Boss black and got skull-and-bones on her officer's cap, and she's saying racial slurs as she ruins your life, cheats on you, drains your bank account and kills your dog after getting custody over it in court. I imagine all bad people this way. All women who rejected me were exactly like this.

But I must breach working-class anti-fascist solidarity, and admit, on That Question ("Would you?").... Yeah, I would. Sorry bro. Take me away Comrades, I admit it, I'd give it to that Nazi Jew raw. Would I do that to her as she exists, or the Fascist Propaganda her who is a work of fiction?

That depends. You still got her number?

haha it's ok you can call me an incel, it's a step up from what i actually am

(User was banned for this post.)

The Nazi and the Fascist aren’t my hallucinations. That’s not my mental illness. But it’s adjacent to me, it’s thrown at me without my Consent, and it's a Trigger. I'm paranoid about commies myself.

In the multicultural cyberpunk year of 2019, with its trans-human gender-sex-orientations, anti-racist ethno-narcissism, fanatic anti-normalism, cultish critical theory intersections, grand byzantine minimalism, placidity, in such splendid predatory banality… In the absolute state of the world! – Aah! An undead ideology conceived by a salty Frenchman in the badlands of South Dakota in the 1890s shambles forth the devour all that is Good and Holy in the Great United States of AmeriKKKa, God Help Us All! And A Child Will Lead Those Dreadful Legions of Corruption Upon All The Meek Of Our Fallen World!

Or it’s just a spoon that isn’t real.

Nobody wants to be straight-forward, and I gotta navigate the labyrinths of euphemism. Maybe there's something weird going on - how people talk, how people act, how people think, none of those correlate to each other. It makes you feel schizo when you do all your mental rain-man calculus and realize there's a fucking Elephant in the living room and he's not wearing any goddamn pants. Once that little ray-of-sunshine blesses your tiny bug-man brain to enlighten you that the elephant is real, and the spoon isn't, it's only a matter of time before you're crowned in tinfoil a Potato King on your off-grid Bug-out estate in the Idaho Panhandle, or start drinking yourself to death and bullying mailmen (or both).

If you'd like to avoid that sort of Elephant-Mania Spoon-denialism, maybe you should try answering Uncomfortable Question instead of being so Weird about it, oh wise Mr. Kirk, Mr. Shapiro, Mr. Talking-Head, Mr. Important-Guy, Mr. Movement, Mr. Politics, Mr. Voice of Reason, Mr. Metatron. Take it from a schizo-maniac with a manifesto, you’re freaking out the hoes.

Try Praeger U talking points out on a Tinder date and watch her shrivel up from instathot to instahag -- she will go through menopause before your very eyes, that's how dry her pussy will get. Trying not to sound racist while talking about the Antarctic Nazi base and the importance of craniometry in ethnocultural anthropology will get you more action than anything that sounds like a paraphrase of Charlie Kirk -- because even if you're still being cringe at least you aren't being fake. Point and laugh at that fucking elephant - the moron isn't even wearing pants! That'll get her thinking about taking your pants off. Or not - it's not foolproof. If she doesn't laugh, red-flag, she's a Nazi so Begone Thot!

Please, for the love of God, go off-script! See the damn elephant and forget the spoon, and forget the wise Mr. Kirk, Mr. Shapiro, Mr. Talking-Head, Mr. Important-Guy, Mr. Movement, Mr. Politics, Mr. Voice of Reason, Mr. Metatron. Take it from a schizo-maniac with a manifesto, you'll go insane if you don't.

[. . . ] [T]hen there's that neuroticism, that narcissism, that fear. The whole point of these politics groups and gatherings and Q&As is what, anyway? Is it really just basic marketing tactics, like a live-action advertisement you expect for people to passively consume as though it is persuasive? To shove free-markets and free-speeches down my throat and have me swallow it without having anything that’s been bothering me answered? What do I look like to you, an Ideology Whore? You don't even reciprocate a good time, huh? I'm not that kind of girl. You didn't even buy me dinner. You made me pay to bore me. I'd cuck you if we dated just to make a very important point -- fully aware it'll go over your head. Fuck you.

We gotta hear The Script. We gotta recite The Script.

Real Conservatives Think Like This. Real Progressives Think Like This. White People Walk Like This. Black People Walk Like This.

Gotta hear that joke ten thousand times so you can recite it like a mantra in your sleep.

Free markets mean free people. Facts don’t care about your feelings. Private Companies can do what they wish. What you do in your bedroom is your own business. We want legal immigration, not illegal.

Abolish ICE. Your childhood hero says Trans-Rights. Do you not want me in the movement? Abolish whiteness.

The Racism of Lowered Expectations.

Reparations.

A white nation.

Workers of the world unite!

Abortion is a human right.

Have you got it memorized?

Let’s go over it a few more times.

Say it with me! Hillary was found innocent in a hundred hearings and it is sexist to besmirch her reputation.

Repeat after me! Trump’s economy is the best in history, and if he's racist why is black unemployment is at historical lows.

You benefit from unearned privilege. You suffer from toxic masculinity.

The world is about to end and everything you know and love will die, and it is your fault, for not believing in the correct things at the correct time.

Are you laughing yet?

I’m dying. I feel like an e-girl, and my orbiters are sides.

But do you wanna know what I really think? The whole bit about psychic and social suppression? You ever hear about the Procrustean bed? Well, what if we put your political, social, moral consciousness and your psychic abilitys into a bed like that. We could talk about it. You ever play Xenogears?

Or you could just put me in a box. I really wouldn't mind. I'm Houdini. Hey, was Houdini a Nazi, like Henry Ford? Can we get a fact-check? I didn't mean to be problematic.

Break the Conditoning - Step outside the box, and use it as a step ladder. Ascend, Beyond the Box - use The Spoon.

Bush did 9/11, the Israeli’s danced, the Aliens killed JFK - sure - but I only say this because of my MK Ultra Schizo-brain. It’s true, it’s false, it’s fact, it’s myth, I don’t have to believe any of it -- I also don't have to believe any of you if I don’t want to. My feelings do not care about your facts, and did you know that some of the world's most uncomfortable facts are manifested into being by uncomfortable feelings? Is it the fact of the bullet that kills the political dissident, or the feelings of his executioner? Is it the deranged lust of the rapist that violates his victim, or the fact of his power to do so? I guess it depends on whether the perpetrator said "nothing personnel kid" before he committed the act. I don't know about that Nazi Rapist's feelings, but MY feelings are valid and I can believe or disbelieve whatever I want on the basis of my feelings, and my feelings alone. My feelings bend the spoon of your facts.

Are you going to say I don’t have the right, Adolf? Sucks for you, bud, I may be a commie by blood, but the heart that pumps it was assembled in the ole USA -- and we got the Right to be a Retard here in America. It's a Free Country.

[Note: please insert image of Jonathan Frakes from Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction]

Now that the dust has settled: Was the Nazi Roller-Coaster Real? Or did we put the Truth in a Mass-Grave? We will let you know at the conclusion of our program.

Sincerely and Full of Suffering Your Friend Always, Orcbrand

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