#but that time wasn't wasted even if I may not have hit the same benchmarks as my peers
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today's mantra is "time spent healing is never wasted"
#just me#vent post#I often feel like my childhood was taken from me due to trauma#the medical trauma the physical abuse the religious trauma the csa#and then I feel like I 'wasted' my 20s trying to bounce back from that and feel like a person again#but that time wasn't wasted even if I may not have hit the same benchmarks as my peers#I studied and I traveled and I tried new things and I went to therapy#I learned healthy coping mechanisms and how to navigate the world with a broken body#I learned to make fun and silly and beautiful things#I slowly got back into writing and found an outlet for the waves inside me#I honestly very genuinely did not think I'd make it to my 30s and some days I have a weird sense of#'well what do I do now? I never thought I'd make it this far'#'I never made all the same preparations that everyone else did. I never had the same experiences. I will never catch up now.'#but one of the things I learned in my 20s is how to live for small things#a view from a mountain or a nice night with your friends or a very fancy cookie#my life might be small and quiet and... I don't know. not what everyone would exactly aspire to.#but I'm in less pain now#I can start to appreciate the beautiful things around me from mundane to truly special#and that's enough#it has to be enough#I didn't waste a decade#I was dealt a shit hand like a lot of other people are#and I slowly forced myself to heal from it even when I wanted to give up#my life is not a waste and I am not a waste so that time was not a waste either#and I think... these days I probably do improve lives by still being around and being who I am#just a little but a little is enough#a little builds up#I want to finish this embroidery and I want to write stories and I want to try a strawberry-rose linzer torte and I want to see Roswell#I want to learn the people around me and myself#so... I guess that's what I'll do now
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