#but often instead that just means i end up being passively unkind because i'm so tangled up and frozen | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aeide-thea · 2 years

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mostly i try to stay chipper but like. sometimes it's just acutely apparent that yr the end product of literally generations of disrespect and interpersonal powerlessness and it just. it gets to you a little

#like it's so clear that my father doesn't stand up for himself because first his parents trained him not to #and then he replaced them with a hectoring wife‚ who didn't seem able to realize how much power she had over all of us #because she herself had been so thoroughly used and abused growing up #as the eldest daughter and helper of a social butterfly widow who derided her bookish shyness #that she felt totally powerless and miserable and took those things out on us #and so now like. my father swallows everything until he snaps and then he gets retaliatorily nasty #and i see both my father and mother in myself except that i have tried *horribly* hard not to be unkind to people #but often instead that just means i end up being passively unkind because i'm so tangled up and frozen #like. many of you reading this are people whom i have failed wrt responsiveness #because i've been so thoroughly trampled that i feel totally incapable even of saying 'sorry i can't person rn‚ pls hold'#i just weasel out from under all responsibilities even things i want and value bc i'm so thoroughly ground down i can't manage any of them #anyway. enough dwelling but like. it's all so pathetic and not-real-problems but also has been totally devastating and ruinous for me.#i used to be trusting and indefatigable and sunny if you can believe it. but like. that was when i was four.

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