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beauregardlionett · 1 year

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part-time soulmate, full-time problem (hold me like a grudge)

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None of them were able to sleep.

Orym was too wound up with anxiety to be talked off the edge, Ashton was coping as they always did, and Laudna couldn’t stop worrying about Imogen long enough to even sniff unconsciousness. So they were doing great, all things considered. They hadn’t attacked each other or anyone else as of yet, and at least the three of them had landed together.

Laudna was the only one of them with any hope of contacting their group members through magical means. And hadn’t that been the killing blow yesterday to realize she couldn’t even do that. Whatever that Ludinus fuck had done, it had cut them off from the rest of their party completely.

Currently stuck in a spiral of ‘what if’s, Laudna’s current fear was what if the rest of the hells had landed alone? What if Imogen was alone in the aftermath of everything, hurt and cut off from their friends?

Laudna swung her legs off the edge of the bed and shook her head, as if she could banish the thought that way. It wouldn’t do her or Imogen or anyone any favors to linger and spiral.

A quick glance out the window told Laudna it was pushing past midnight. Orym had likely passed out at this point and Ashton was in need of collecting from the tavern downstairs.

Sure enough, after creeping her way down the stairs on light feet, Laudna found Ashton exactly where she expected. They were tucked into a corner booth, the sole patron at this hour, and miserable company for the half-awake barkeep. She made her way over to Ashton’s table and stood above the graveyard of tankards her companion was keeping slumped sentinel over.

“Ashton,” Laudna called, voice quiet and gentler than they deserved. “Come on, time for bed.”

“You sound like a mother,” Ashton slurred as they lifted their head to greet her with a sodden grin.

“Well, you are acting like a child,” Laudna teased back, not sounding nearly as friendly as she had intended.

Ashton peered up at her before chuckling and sluggishly swigging another gulp of alcohol. A bit escaped and dribbled down their chin, making Laudna sigh with poorly concealed exasperation.

“You know,” Ashton said as they put their drink down again and wiped their chin. “You could at least pretend you like me a little bit. Just to make me feel better.”

“You should know by now that I do like you, Ashton. But you’re challenging my already thinned patience by going and getting drunk in this tavern every night we’ve been here.”

“It’s only been two nights.”

“That’s not the point, Ashton. The point is, you’re of no help like this.”

“You say that like I’m any help to you sober.”

“Ashton,” Laudna sighed again, running a tired hand over her face. “You could be of great help if you actually tried.”

“You want me to help?” Ashton bit out, suddenly sounding more coherent than before. “Sit down and drink with me, let me help you address your damage and then maybe we’ll get somewhere.”

There was a beat of strained silence between them as Laudna stared down at Ashton’s disheveled, manic grin.

“Excuse me?” Laudna said, voice deceptively soft.

“Your damage. The tree, dying twice, all the shit that happened with Imogen and the rock - you’ve shared it all. But you aren’t actually addressing it. So you want me to be helpful? Sit down and drink with me.”

Laudna continued to stare down at them, uncertain where this was coming from and distinctly offended. Something itched at the back of her throat and she wasn’t sure if it was acquiescence or an insult.

“I know you’re still fucked up about it all, no matter what you say,” Ashton continued with an uncoordinated curl of a grin, despite Laudna’s silence. “You don’t get broken that thoroughly and then come out of it as chipper as you are. Where did you hide your broken pieces, huh?”

“Ashton, you really should lay off the alcohol. It makes you unpleasant.”

“I’m always unpleasant,” Ashton said dismissively, waving a drunken hand in the air between them. “And you’re mostly pleasant, but I can’t figure out why. It’s starting to move from fascinating to frustrating.”

“Why is it so hard to believe that I am okay, Ashton? Is it so wildly unfathomable to you that a person can heal and move on from the bad things, from the damage? Or is this your way of saying you’re jealous?”

“Jealous?” Ashton slurred, brow lifting as they appraised Laudna with hazy eyes.

“Yes, you heard me,” Laudna said, her voice pitching up a little in annoyance. “We talked about this before and that’s all this is, isn’t it? You’re jealous that I’m handling things better than you are. You think we’re alike because we have both been hurt and alone in our lives and you can’t stand to see me happy after everything that’s happened. You can’t stand it because you wish you could be like me, but you aren’t, so instead you’re trying to rip open scars and say they’re raw wounds but I won’t let you! That’s not fair, Ashton.”

“Fair?” Ashton scoffed, expression somewhere between incredulous and furious. “When has anything in life ever been fair? You think it was fair that I was the one thrown out a window from an explosion on a stupid heist? You think it was fair that my friends had to drag my body through the streets and then left me behind and scattered to the winds? And oh yeah, it was so fair that I got saddled with a bunch of fucking magic I can’t control and don’t understand! Everything in life is fucking fair and just, right?”

“That is not what I--”

“No, I know what you meant!” Ashton cut Laudna off, decidedly furious now as they shoved to their feet with a slight wobble. “You think I’m being cruel by poking at the cracks in your facade, by digging up a past you buried when they couldn’t bury you. Well guess what, Laudna? I am cruel! I’m angry and selfish and fucking cruel. And you should be, too, damn it! Why aren’t you angry?”

“Well who said I wasn’t?” Laudna shouted back, dark eyes flashing as she whirled on them. “Who said I wasn’t angry, Ashton? You, because I don’t show it or feel it all the damn time? Maybe you should learn how to let some of your anger go!”

“I would fucking love to, Laudna! But I’ll do that when you learn how to show yours!”

“Why is that the stipulation here?”

“Because I know you want to!”

“Maybe I do,” Laudna said, voice sharp. “But I can’t, Ashton.”

“Why the fuck not? Because you’re scared, or because you’ll finally have to admit to yourself that you’re more broken than you think?”

“Gods!” Laudna screamed, burying her fingers in her hair and whirling away from Ashton’s livid expression. “You are such an asshole!”

“Answer the question, Laudna.”

“Why should I? Why do I have to?”

“Answer the question, Matilda.”

Laudna froze mid-stride before turning on Ashton so fast they actually took a step back from her advance.

“You want to know why I can’t show my anger, Ashton? Fine. It’s because I was possessed by fucking Delilah Briarwood until a couple weeks ago and might still be. If I show you my anger, everyone is going to think it’s her and not me because Laudna is happy-go-lucky and the worst thing that’s ever happened to her has already happened - twice, as you so kindly pointed out. I said I’ve learned and grown because of my damage and I have, Ashton. It was useful damage - you said so yourself. I’ve bettered myself because of the things that have happened to me. But you...you come in here out of fucking no where one day, and you start poking and prodding at my scars like they’re on your body instead of mine and tell me that they aren’t healed and that I’m still broken? What, did you think I was just going to lay down and let you tell me that the damage I got wasn’t useful enough damage but just fucking damage and be fine with that? Well, surprise! I’m not going to.”

Ashton observed Laudna for a moment, quiet and stoic, before leaning in as a smug, understanding expression curled at their lips.

“I knew you were angry in there somewhere. Feels good, doesn’t it?”

Laudna pressed her lips together, visibly stifling an impulse before she leveled a withering look at them. “Fuck you, Ashton. I don’t care how lonely you are, or how angry you are. You don’t get to do this. Get up, you’re going to bed.”

“Nah,” Ashton said, flopping back into their seat and reaching for their drink.

Laudna beat them to it, scooping the tankard up and downing the dregs. It was some of the worst, gasoline flavored alcohol she had ever tasted, but it got the point across. She put the tankard back on the table and met Ashton’s glare head on.

“Get your ass up, Ashton Greymoore. I won’t ask nicely again.”

It took a few moments for Ashton to react, but they did wobble to their feet. Whether it was because they actually wanted to go to bed or they had finally gotten tired of arguing was unclear. Laudna took it for the win it was and haphazardly helped Ashton up the stairs to their room. She made sure to leave a generous tip on the vacated bar for the unfortunate employee who had to witness all that.

After precariously navigating the stairs together, Ashton made it gracelessly to the edge of the bed and sat down heavily on the mattress. Laudna observed from near the door for all of a few seconds before she turned to leave.

“I just want to know that someone else is like me,” Ashton said, voice softer than Laudna had ever heard it. She paused but didn’t turn around.

“You want to not feel like you’re the only one the world seems to have a vendetta against,” Laudna said to the door. “And you’re willing to be an asshole to drag those emotions out of someone so they match your own.”

“Well when you put it like that--”

“That’s all it is, Ashton,” Laudna bit out, finally turning to glare at where they were still slumped on the bed. “If you thought you were doing me a favor, you’re more childish than I gave you credit for. You are purposefully antagonizing me and bringing up old trauma so that you don’t feel so alone in your misery.”

“You said it yourself, Laudna. You know loneliness. Well, so do I. Is it so wrong for me to want someone to commiserate with?”

“No, Ashton,” Laudna said, voice quiet as she twisted her fingers through the material of her skirt. “I know loneliness, you know abandonment.”

Ashton stared back at Laudna for a moment before looking down at their hands. They started laughing quietly in a way that sounded like crying and Laudna didn’t reach out to comfort them. Eventually they regained control over their hysteria and curled their fingers into shaking fists.

“I know,” Ashton croaked. “I guess abandonment and loneliness are different, huh? There’s intention behind abandonment.”

Laudna continued to watch Ashton watch their hands for a few aching moments before she sighed and released her grip on her skirt. She approached the bed and gave Ashton’s shoulder a careful tap with her fingers. They looked up at her, more composed now but eyes still glossy. They might look the same age, but Laudna had a few decades on Ashton and felt it acutely in the moment.

“Lie down, Ashton,” Laudna whispered. “Get some sleep. We can figure out what to do in the morning.”

“I’m gonna be so hungover,” Ashton grumbled as they fumbled their way beneath the blankets.

“And whose fault is that?”

“I dunno,” Ashton huffed before abruptly passing out.

Laudna sighed again, the weariness finally setting in. She missed Imogen and the others, missed Dorian and his trembling optimism; missed the early days of their adventures when things didn’t feel so weighted and dire.

Laudna put a bucket by the bed for Ashton and closed the door quietly behind her. She returned to her room and looked out the window again at the wavering lights and Catha’s silver glow. She wondered if Imogen was still having nightmares with the way magic had been acting up. Laudna felt a brief stab of guilt that she wasn’t there to hold her hand through it all.

Pushing the thoughts aside, Laudna slipped into bed and missed the shape of Imogen beside her vehemently. Hopefully, things would get better soon.

#cr #critical role #c3e49 #laudna #ashton greymoore #writing #my writing #they're just a little fucked up <3 #and i'm rotating them about it #[shakes them]#tal and marisha talked about them on 4sd and their convo in e49 and i haven't known peace since

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