soriel week day 1 is fire 🔥🔥🔥 date night is always an event.

to be like frank here, redemption is an ever going cycle. when youve been the problem, the toxic ex, the abuser, you have to know you will have to apologize for that for the rest of your life. you will always have to live with the guilt and conscience of knowing how you hurt that person, or mutliple people. and you have to constantly CHOOSE to not repeat that behavior, and its not easy.

when you meet a new friend the topic of who you used to be will come up eventually, and if you have changed youll be honest with who you were. you cant run from it. you cant try to round the corners and make it seem like the other persons fault, or like it wasnt as bad as it was. its really really scary. because everytime you open up about it, its not just the wound of guilt but its also the fear that theyre going to look inside and not like what theyll see.

but you have to keep moving on and you have to keep being honest. and you have to remember that everyone is applicaple for redemption, you just have to work for it and admitting you were wrong with no buts is the first step.

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i hope you know im selectively uploading things to protect you all from lies of p content

fuck calculus :)

mental breakdown in the tags incoming scroll past for your own well being

i didnt watch any trigun 98 today bc i decided i wanted to watch more tokyo mew mew. ive been slooooooooooooooooooooooooowly making my way thru on my rewatch. bit by bit. when i feel like. im at ep 18 rn. i just wanted smth i felt like i could look away from while i trimmed my nails lol

also i was supposd to get my new phone today but Turns Out it's gonna b tomorrow. which is Fine i guess. it means i wont have to go to work tomorrow without a phone case. but i want it................NOW.....

I'm gonna be 6 days full sober starting tmmrw unless I fall into the trap of tht dumb ass pre check check shit....I wonder which part of me will win....

omori's inclinations towards self isolation is so realistic and similar to my own it's almost disturbing and very nearly triggering... very. nearly.

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my ability to simply ignore things should be rewarded and is also very concerning

would i be the asshole for contacting my ex to ask them if they could stop talking about me online to a community that knows who i am? (🥐)

tw: kinda emotionally abusive relationship

bg info

me (24f) and my ex (28) were in a three month relationship three years ago following a whole year of friendship. they were my first partner and i came out as a lesbian to everyone during our relationship. when we were together, they were 24 and i was 20. i was very emotionally dependent on them when i was 20 due to mental health issues and so were they which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship was as explosive as it was. i looked up to them, my whole emotional world revolved around them, and our friendship/relationship was the only thing i had in my life at the time. they constantly asked me "hey is it even ethical that im dating you, im 4 years older, you tell me please, oh i feel like such a bad person", yet, they still continued dating me every time they would ask.

our fights were horrible and truly explosive as they broke their stuff in front of me out of anger, threw things at me and insulted me as stupid, amongst many other things. our fights usually ensued because i would ask them for reassurance and they would start panicking and screaming at me to shut up. to be fair, i would cry every time i was asking for reassurance which probably made them feel scared about losing me, so i consider myself 50% at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, i shouldve been able to talk to them in a secure manner that wouldnt trigger their abandonment issues. our fights were quite jarring and made me walk out on them several times out of fear. yet i always came back and apologized and took the whole accountability, even though i dont consider myself the only one at fault. walking out several times during fights was probably one of the worst things i could have done but at the same time i was simply scared. even when i walked out after our last fight, they begged me to come back, which i did, i apologized under tears, and yet, told them that i cant promise them to stay no matter what.. and left.

we met through tumblr and were in a medium distance relationship. after our relationship, i went to a clinic and had to learn a lot about myself, what i experienced and what i want from life. im in a very happy and healthy place now and since the end of 2021 im with my current partner whom i want to be the love of my life and whom ive started to build a life with.

context

i have my ex blocked on all social media because they used to do hour long deep dives into my blog, even as of recently (i have statcounter installed for my safety bc im paranoid about them sending me anonymous asks). at first i also used to visit their blog after our break up but stopped doing so after moving on with my life. one year after breaking up i temporarily unblocked them and explicitly asked them not to look at my social media (or at least to do it in a way in which i dont notice aka asked them not to watch my instagram stories).

while i dont visit their blog/social media because i dont want to know whats going on in their life, tumblr mutuals frequently dm me stuff like "hey i think you should know that your ex posted about you/shit talks about something that you posted". i havent asked my mutuals to tell me whenever this happens but i imagine they do so because within the tumblr space we exist, everyone kind of knows everyone (so my ex doesnt have to mention my name for people to know who theyre talking about). sometimes mutuals send screenshots of the posts so that i dont have to visit my ex's blog. last ive heard my ex joked about throwing jewelry at me and posted extensively about a tattoo that i got. my ex's behavior makes me uncomfortable and feel just as helpless as i did back then.

why i might be the asshole

im scared that they might be venting because i was more at fault in the relationship than them and that i am unconsciously deflecting. however, i talked about every detail of the relationship and this fear extensively with my therapist, friends, and partner who are of the opinion that i was young, scared, and intertwined in a relationship that was incredibly toxic. im still unsure though because my emotions frequently triggered theirs.

why they might be the asshole

i asked them once to stop visiting my social media and i feel like venting about our relationship that broke off 3 years ago to a tumblr community of friends and acquaintances is kind of unfair. however, i might be the asshole and they might just need the space for venting. i could just ignore the vents and let them heal in their own way from what ensued.

WIBTA if i confronted them again and told them that i want them to stop talking about me online? or would i be a party pooper because every person needs a space for venting?

What are these acronyms?

FINALLY yall get to see this lmao, basically Ive had an au (??) rattling around in my head where Apollo decides to hire Kay, a private investigator, to help him find and track down his birth mother, shenanigans ensue, some more things abt it under the cut (feel free to ask anything abt it it lives rent free in my head JHKLJ)

-Most likely takes place a year after SOJ- Though I havent actually watched it for myself yet so Im just going off of info from the wiki HGJKHL

-Kay is 26! shes been a PI for about 3 years now and has gained a rep for being VERY good at her job

-Apollo approaches her with basically nO info or leads and while its gonna Make their job MUCH harder, Kay decides to take it on anyways on the condition that Apollo acts as her assistant during this case

-Basically this is just Apollos lil secret mission for himself, he doesnt tell anyone else abt it since its so emotionally heavy for him

-Im not sure exactly /how/ theyd do it, but I do know that Apollos bracelet would be the best bet after looking through way too much paperwork, probably via finding out what its made out of it since its a special kind of metal

- Basically it'd go like: Find out who commissioned said bracelet > turns out it was Magnifi Gramarye > Uh Oh.PNG > Theres only one woman who was in Troupe Gramarye > Apollo crisis whenever he sees Trucy now > He needs more proof though beside that > Kay finds an older recording of Troupe Gramarye, Thalassa is seen out of costume, wearing both bracelets > Well it cant be just coincidence now > He Is Now a lil Magician man > Now they have to find Thalassa > Turns out shes dead > find out that she didnt ACTUALLY die, Magnifi faked her death> not sure how they would get from here to finding out Thalassa is Lamiroir > Also find out that Phoenix has knwon this entire time and didnt tell either trucy or Apollo > mixed emotions over aLL of it but GOD Apollo is just happy to know his mother is still alive

-I like to think that Trucy joins Apollo and kay at some point in their investigation since shes directly involved at that point

-Maybe a small side plot where Apollo hasnt told Kay about the perceive thing and so he knows shes lying about /something/ unrelated to their case (the whole being the yatagarasu deal)

-overall I think Kay and Apollo would be good friends they could ABSOLUTELY match each others energy and it'd be a good time, they're trans girl trans guy solidarity

-It /c o u l d/ be like an Investigations like plot wheres theres different cases that all tie into the greater mystery OR finding his mom is the focus of it Im not totally sure yet hjgkhlj

“ i love you ”

ethan landry x fem!reader

summary - ethan saying “i love you” for the first time in the 2 year relationship

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warning(s) - kissing

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genre - fluff / sfw

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a/n - hey y’all, so like this is my first ever story written on tumblr so bare w me 💀 ive never really been good at writing stories but its entertaining so yeah ! don’t make fun of me if its shit please 😞 and thank u ! enjoy ?? 🤞 and this is before the ghostface attacks + lowercase is intended !!

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i decided to skip econ because i didn’t feel up to it. i’m watching my favorite show when suddenly i hear the door swing open, “ethan” i think to myself.

ethan and i were dorm mates and we have been dating for about 2 years now. i’ve never been happier. he’s so intelligent, funny, and his personality makes everything 100x better. i’ve been meaning to tell him that i love him but i don’t wanna move too fast.

i jump out of my bed and make my way to ethan, who i can tell was having a horrible day just by the look on his face and how he was just sitting on the sofa staring into outer space. “hi baby” i say while sitting down next to him, startling him, also attempting to hug him. he hugs me back tiredly and says, “hey” with a stiff and tired tone. “what’s wrong babe?” i ask him. “no nothings wrong, don’t worry about anything pumpkin.” “babe, i know you and i know something’s wrong, please just talk to me.”

he looks at me with teary eyes and starts to sob. i pull him into a hug and he puts his face into the crook of my neck. i start to play with his curls and say, “its okay, let it out, let it out.”

after a couple minutes of comforting, ethan starts to calm down. once he looks up at me, i take his face in my hands and ask him, “wanna talk about it?” he slightly shakes his head, “not really, just had a really bad day at econ.” “that’s okay my love, for the rest of the night, we can watch your favorite movies and order take out? how does that sound?”

he smiles at me and hugs me tight. “thank you so much y/n. you have no idea how much i care for you and id do anything for you. i love you.”

i love you. those three words kept repeating in my head. ethan landry just told me he loves me. my everything just told me he loves me. my love just told me he loves me. my was spinning.

ethan sees the look on my face and then says, “sorry if im moving too fast, i hope this doesn’t change anyth-“ i cut him off by kissing him. it was a soft, passionate kiss. we both pull away to breath, and then i say, “i love you too ethan landry.” he smiles and kisses me again.

after about 5 minutes, we both decide to organize, change into our matching pjs, order ethans favorite take out, and watch some of his favorite movies. once we both got tired, we went to ethans room and got into bed. we got comfortable in our positions, my head laying on ethans chest while his hand is in my hair. im about to fall asleep until i hear ethan start talking,

“thank you for this night y/n. i love you so much and just.. thank you for everything. you mean the world to me.”

i blush from that. “you don’t have to thank me for anything ethan, im your girlfriend, that’s what im here for my love. and i love you too ethan.” i say while quickly going to give him a peck on the lips. he smiles as i go back into my position and we doze off listening to each others soft breaths.

permashifting & sv!c!dal ideation & early shiftok.

im so fucking scared to post this. tw.

ive been in the shifting community for four/five years now & most of my time was watching quietly from the sidelines up until last july when i made my shiftok account. i want to preface this by saying these are my experiences & observations & ive always been pretty firm on my stance. ive spoke about this (i think) twice on tiktok & will now give some updated insight. i don’t expect everything to agree with me but please don’t jump down my throat for saying what im going to. i respect you, please respect me. cool? yes? okay !!

there are similarities between sv!c!dal ideation & permashifting & im so so sick of people hardly taking about it. what re-sparked this interest in the topic was i saw someone make a video on their views towards the topic & i do resonate with their points heavily. this was the only video ive ever seen of anyone making a video like this minus myself & it’s been long overdue.

to clarify, im not against permashifting completely im against how permashifting is spoken about & how it’s promoted. it’s wayyy too casual & ive seen a lot of triggering things in my comment sections / confession submissions. i used to get about five of these or so (ppl saying they wanted to unalive themselves) a week when i was actively doing them but they’ve since kinda died down. if, me, an account with (at the time) ~15,000 tiktok followers were seeing this, i cannot imagine the kind of messages those 100,000 followers shiftokers were getting.

another thing that i haven’t spoke about too much is the sv!c!de notes id receive. i got about two or three of them. ignoring the overstepping of boundaries & oversharing, my heart goes out to those who submitted those. i think shifting came at a time when everyone was bored & cooped up inside & shiftokers could’ve unknowingly preyed upon people’s loneliness & vulnerability. i remember people could say things like “im k!11!ng myself tonight so I’ll wake up in my dr” & the fact that was even a thing is so beyond horrific. im gonna put some confessions ive gotten in the past just to show you what i was seeing daily at one point. scroll a ways down if you don’t want to to see. sorry ! idk how to blur it but would if i found out how to.

i wanta take a sec to call out all the adult shifters who neglected to speak about this.

i hear people say “but if they didn’t discover shifting they wouldn’t still be here” or “it buys people more time”. i get it. really, i do & i don’t think that’s a bad thing. what i do think the bad thing really is, is the adult shifting creators who enable the kind of talk & push that shifting is this other option without telling people to take care of themselves in this reality. the mental well-being & safety of people should always be put first, especially with spaces involving a lot of children when most of the information comes from the mouths of adults. shifting was popularized by tiktok at the height of c0v!d & everyone was arguably at their lowest. i think the timing in which shifting was introduced helped shiftok get popular at the time (along with harry potter trending, of course) & a lot of ppl saw it as a trend to latch onto & leech off of to grow a platform. i think some people totally — probably unintentionally — took advantage of peoples desperation for an escape for profit. that’s what I’ve felt with some former / earlier shifting creators, anyways. that’s why shiftokers are seen as these figures that were/are looked up to so heavily because they’ve gotten something that people with destructive situations are so desperate for & i think that’s really diabolical & sad.

this post isn’t to shit on shiftokers completely, not the modern shiftokers anyway. i have some really cool mutuals who genuinely post insightful content. i think tiktok has gotten a little better with some bumps every now & then but it’s not as bad as 2020.

i don’t think shiftokers are doing this intentionally. & who knows ? maybe they’re are afraid their audience will get upset or off put or they’ll lose support but the longer we put the conversation off the more people’s mental health will worsen. whatever the reason may be, keeping numbers up or getting “canceled” isn’t worth it at the risk of lives of children. it’s long overdue.

then the idea of escapism comes in. escapism isn’t bad. arguably, most things we do are escapism; reading, scrolling on tumblr. its how we look & obsess & look at that escapism. that’s when it becomes unhealthy. the consept of shifting as an escape from something like depression can exacerbate those feelings of because people do struggle to actually shift. that state of “waiting” to shift can be extremely difficult if you’re not struggling mentally, so if you’re struggling mentally on top of trying to shift without success? also throwing being a minor onto that.

anyways this post was all over the place because i could talk about this for hours. i have no idea if this will ever have a place on tiktok or if I’ll even end up posting this to tumblr. this was very ramble-y but a very important ramble imo. i tried to organize & keep this short to the best of my ability. feel free to agree, disagree but these are my poorly organized thoughts.

a little reminder to enjoy the journey & process of shifting rather then hyper focusing on “the end” of it. take a break if you find you self only thinking about shifting and not doing stuff you gotta do here or if your making yourself sick over it. it isn’t the end of the world if you don’t shift. i believe everyone is here for a reason & i can promise you everything will work out in the end.

to those who resonate with mental health struggles & shifting, my heart goes out to you & only with you the best. be gentle with yourself — that goes for all of you.

im a different anon but im just curious what advice you would give to someone whos been pillbugging it for um. over a year now

mmm i cant really answer how to stop having depression which im guessing is what u mean + i dont know how ur head works but ive been living mostly NEET-ly for more than 2 yrs now and everyday im getting a better curve at dealing with it so i can tell u what works for me.

half the time when im pillbugging hard im paralyzed by a nontangible fear and the only thing that could stop it is adressing wherever the fear is coming from but the confrontation of the topic, trying to figure out where its even coming from, is terrifying too so i dont do it and stay swimming in tar. theres a sentence people keep saying when they explain why they watch 2 hour video essays "it makes my head go quiet". thats the enemy, the thought, not the person saying it. long term i mean. when its short term anguish that can be bridged by pillbugging its fine i think but if ur "making ur head quiet" for more than a month i urge u to make it go really loud again but thats hard. the only times i can try and confront those thoughts is when i feel otherwise nice, if i got externally forced to have a fun day, hike with my papa, date day with my girlfriend, sometimes just got myself to make a nice meal and it helped, when u feel better its a little less scary and u can maybe try and think out of it a little better. also i think on those days youre generally more positively charged so u got more hope outlook. COOL. i think this is why some people do meditation. im not good at it so i dont really know but i think its a brave pasttime of tackling unpleasant ideas. i used to try and dope my way out of it with lsd cuz everytime i used it it kind of forced me to confront whatever trouble i had but ive forbad myself that cuz i didnt want to rely on it as crutch + it was just unpleasant to get hit over the head everytime. now i only do it when i feel good already (havent done it in half a year lol). sorry, drug tangent. also weed is synonymous with pillbugging 4 me.

otherwise, rituals.... mmmmm..... when therapists and whoevers say stuff like take daily walks daily exercise take daily shower i think all of those are like half about the direct benefits they give and half just about doing anything regularly. cuz it helps. during pillbug hours the point for me is kind of to have time pass as fast as possible so the timeframe to hurt is reduced which is counterproductive cuz if it flows u by rlly hard u cant really grasp onto anything to get off the ride easily. and its never going to come really easy theres no probable single action or event that is going to singlehandedly pull u out of the mire, no rapture, no healing vitamin, its always going to be slow and tedious and boring and stupid but a routine is a nice framework to start that. brushing ur teeth is nice. and when u do something daily the days start becoming more tangible again and u will be able to tell how many days ago tuesday was. maybe u can think abotu what factors motivate u and twist them to do your biddinggg. shame and dissapointment works really well for me if i tell someone i will have this done by then and i dont it usually overpowers the malaise or whatever other reason has been making me not do it prior. but this requires social bonds and i cant guarantee u have those. in summer i started doing therapy cuz in germany i need it for transgenderism and shes also a good beacon for that, if she says do something until next time we meet i dont want to dissapoint her. other than that, um idk, everyting else is just kind of part of that. take walks even if u dont want to think about things even if its scary. be brave like childrens book illustration of knight slaying dragon. and then maybe u get a princess kiss