#but it quickly devolved the same way into something that holds absolutely no regard for the intent of the source material
hi! i hope you feel better soon!
i was wondering if you plans for continuing your ‘legions reacting to their primarch’s partner’ series ?
have a good one :) 🐊
Part 1, Part 2
Author's Note: Sure, here's the rest of them :3
Relationships: Implied Leman Russ/Reader, AlphariusOmegon/Reader, Sanguinius/Reader, Lorgar/Reader, Ferrus Manus/Reader, Mortarion/Reader, Jaghatai Khan/Reader, Horus/Reader, Fulgrim/Reader, Corvus Corax/Reader (A NOTE: almost all of these are gender neutral, but a few might have the term mother or another female term in it, so fair warning)
Warnings: None really
➧ Space Wolves:
Pretty average. They're definitely one of the better legions to be around if you're a baseline human, as they're not only pretty chill, but actually somewhat... nice? By Astartes standards.
You enjoy listening to them tell battle stories around the bonfire or whatever you're all camped around, and they like how easy it is to impress you with their feats of strength. Evenings can quickly devolve into one on one duels if you're around, and there's enough Mjød involved. Impressing Wolf Mother with your spur of the moment honor duel is the height of accomplishment, for a hammered Space Wolf.
You would hope Russ would stop these shenanigans, but you’ll find yourself disappointed when he joins in, brawling his own Astartes for your attention that he already has.
They also all find it absolutely hilarious when you use one of their tamed Fenrisian wolves as a mount, as it puts you at eye level with them.
➧ Alpha Legion:
Your relationship with Alpharius & Omegon is as ambiguous as how the Alpha Legion Astartes feel about you.
They don't like the twins having a potential weak spot that can be exploited by enemies, and their myriad of plans and spiderweb of secrets could get easily unraveled; But if the twins brought you into the inner circle, they’ll place trust that they did it for a reason.
It's just a bit, disorienting having so many men- some of which look very similar- coming in and out of your life. The twins know that you can tell them apart from their legion lookalikes (somehow and it pisses them off), but they still find it funny to try and slip things past you.
➧ Blood Angels:
As one of the kinder chapters, you being brought into the fold is of little resistance, largely because they see how happy Sanguinius is when you're around. They may be battle hardened warriors, but they find it difficult to express their worries when their Primarch has never looked happier holding your much tinier hand.
However the Blood Angels already have a protective (border-lining on obsessive) nature with their Primarch, and that is something that now extends in fold to anyone Sanguinius is close to. Being you.
Do not expect to go anywhere with any less than three fully armored Blood Angels. They will glare at anyone who comes close, they will scold anyone who speaks to you without proper prose, and you will have to deal with it. Some may have a developing soft spot for their kind Legion Mother which allows you to order them around, but they are very strict in this regard.
And Sanguinius will not stop it; Because he feels the same way as them, he's just better at hiding it.
➧ Word Bearers:
Largely neutral at first, but over time they begin to warm up to you as Lorgar's loving gazes and borderline worshipping talk wears on them. It also helps that they have some non-violent experience with other humans.
There are some however who don't approve of your closeness to Lorgar; Especially as it becomes more obvious that Lorgar's priorities are changing, and his distractions are getting worse. You becoming the idée fixe of Lorgar's mind is more than a bit concerning for some members of the legion, particularly ones touched by Kor Phaeron.
They hold their tongues, but you know they don't like whenever the two of you are alone. You've heard the word 'temptress' uttered more than once.
➧ Iron Hands:
Extremely blunt, and to the point. like the Imperial Fists, but without the protective streak. Iron Hand brutal efficacy doesn't exactly mix with the slow nurturing of what one could consider romance.
But you show genuine interest in the practices of the legion and don't impede on their chapter traditions, so the Iron Hands suppose it could be worse. They'd much rather their Primarch not be distracted however, and that is a theme that will remain present in any conversation regarding you for a long while. Expect them to basically ignore you for the first portion of your relationship with Ferrus.
Rude...
➧ Death Guard:
The Death Guard are one of the legions that is definitely more conflicted about the whole thing.
On one hand they say that he will end up distracted, eyes pulled away from his crusade to more frivolous things like romance. But on the other hand, if it does away with some of Mortarion's depressive moue, then they can bite their tongues about it. Either way, they definitely aren't fans of it, and you'll more than hear about it.
Legion meetings are, more than a bit stressful. Mortarion often times comes back ragged and angry after being told he should be rid of you.
Things are strained. You hope they'll level out with time.
➧ White Scars:
Probably one of the better legions to be in. Helps that they don't despise baseline humans, and actually know how to smile sometimes.
It's refreshing to be around Astartes who are a little less, stuck up, something you say under your breath not long after being officially introduced to them. They find it absolutely hilarious.
You have a few Astartes you're a bit more familiar with that Jaghatai trusts to be your personal guard, in the rare moments he isn't close. Pretty chill all around.
Unless there's about seven of them all eagerly surrounding you trying to teach you different Chogoran words, then it's significantly less chill.
Also jetbike rides sound rad af
➧ Luna Wolves:
They have their doubts as all legions do, but given Horus' charisma it isn't long before they toss those doubts aside, and quickly welcome you into the fold at Horus' side.
Also similar to the Blood Angels in that they get near feral protecting their genefather's beloved. It's like his obsessive nature somehow has somehow manifested or has been genetically implanted in them. Horus always makes sure you have a guard at your side, no matter where you go.
It was all fine at first, but now you're beginning to feel a bit like a prisoner.
➧ Raven Guard:
The Raven Guard are pretty tame all things considered. While conversations tend to be respectfully brief, you've noticed overtime that it's less so disinterest, and more a so near nervous formality. It's almost like they don't know how to talk to a baseline human woman for more than a few moments. It's, cute.
Nykona doesn't seem to mind you though; Largely because he overheard you mumble that you think his armor is the most impressive out of all of the Raven Guard Astartes during a sparring session between him and Corax.
Overall, they’re happy Corvus is happy, and as long as his main mission isn’t compromised, they’re content to have you here.
While most legions say ‘Legion Mother’ however, the Raven Guard tend to use the title ‘Raven Mother’ instead when being formal. When they started saying that instead of just legion mother, you noticed how it intertwines with how they refer to Corvus.
Once you realized you got a little bit too excited they’d finally started accepting you, and scared the shit out of no less than three guards by abruptly crying.
➧ The Emperor's Children:
They do enjoy being around humans that can appreciate the arts, and they don't hold much ill will towards you as the jewel of their Primarch's eye. If anything, they seem almost pleased their Primarch is able to pursue such things. You're welcomed into the fold with little fanfare, and Legion business continues on with nary a peep about Fulgrim's new wife.
Many of them create things for you, which while incredibly sweet, makes Fulgrim a little miffed if you show too much joy about it. He just gets a bit jealous, but it's harmless. You find it kind of cute.
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the only metric that should be used to determine whether an adaptation of Cats is good is “if cats could comprehend human media, would they approve of this”
a cat would approve of the stage show but be deeply insulted by the movie for the same reason a cat’s dignity can survive the most unhinged case of zoomies but not having a made up song sung about him. I will not elaborate further.
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Moreid Drabble
Prompt: something angsty with embarrassed!spencer, for @casparwrites
Word Count: 1.2k
Masterlist
Spencer knows this isn't going to go well for him the minute Emily opens her mouth.
She'd invited them round to hers for dinner and drinks after work, and although Hotch and Rossi had been invited, they'd both declined the invitation, likely in anticipation of exactly what had happened: wine turning to shots, and pleasant conversation devolving quickly into gossip.
Spencer hadn't minded at all at first. She'd ordered in from a Thai restaurant he happened to love, and sitting round in a comfortable, spacious living room chatting with his best friends is hardly a regrettable situation to find yourself in. So he allowed himself to relax, drinking almost as much as everyone else and joining in with all the conversation around him.
Besides, the red flush on his cheeks from the wine meant he could stare at Derek a little more overtly and not risk having his blush immediately clue everyone into the crippling crush he has on his colleague.
But then Emily suggests playing Never Have I Ever. In Spencer's experience, both drinking games and party games never go well for him, and he has no reason to believe this will be any different.
That's not true, he tells himself sternly as Emily and Penelope start mixing the cocktails. Parties at Caltech and MIT were a world away from a small gathering of five people who love and accept him for exactly who he is. This will be fine. Everything will be absolutely fine.
And for a couple rounds, it is. They laugh at the drunken escapades the game allows them to relive — they all know far too much about one another for the game to really reveal any new information in that regard — and Spencer learns far too much about his coworkers' sex lives.
(He also learns that Derek has slept with a man. Interesting.)
No one's really surprised when Spencer doesn't put his finger down for any of the wild sex-related Never Have I Ever statements that the others come up with, because everyone knows that while they may have had their late teens and early twenties to let loose and party at college, Spencer certainly didn't. Nobody says anything, but he can feel Derek's eyes on him, and he's trying really hard not to blush.
They play happily for quite a while before it happens, and Spencer's settled into a certain kind of comfort, he's been lulled into a false sense of security, because it hits him like a truck when it happens.
"Never have I ever kissed someone," Derek says boldly; loudly, shutting down the quiet chatter and giggles from around the circle until all that's left is the 90s Hits CD they'd put in playing in the background.
The thing is, he's looking right at Spencer. In fact, everybody's looking right at Spencer, and all of a sudden there's blood pounding in his ears and his face is burning a red so fierce he knows there's no way to play this one off, because Derek's suspicion is right, dammit.
He's dizzy with the humiliation, sick with the fact that even this — this family he's found, these friendships he's built — even this isn't safe, and is he ever going to actually be able to feel that safety and allow himself to enjoy it? Will he always be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is he simply destined for these soul-sucking moments of utter embarrassment and humiliation and anger and sadness to happen wherever he goes? Is he that unlikeable, that unloveable, that everybody, even kind and compassionate people like Derek Morgan, has the urge to humiliate him?
Before he knows what he's doing, he's stumbling to his feet and running down the hall to the bathroom barricading himself inside before he can have a panic attack in front of his friends team. The wine that just moments ago felt pleasant in its gentle buzz in his bloodstream suddenly feels sick and heavy at the bottom of his stomach and he breathes in deeply to calm himself down.
His head is spinning and he's trying not to cry, and all he wants is to disappear because he's gonna have to face them again, there's no way to get out of the house without them seeing, oh God, they're gonna—
Before his thoughts can spiral any deeper, there's a heavy knock at the door, and Derek's deep voice is pleading with him through the painted wood.
"Pretty boy? Can you open the door for me?" he asks, and Spencer can hear the desperation and urgency in his voice. "I'm so sorry, kid, I'm so sorry. Listen, I know you're in there, just let me in, okay? I just wanna apologise."
Spencer takes another couple of deep breaths, trying to still the spinning bathroom in his vision before facing Derek again. Eventually, after a couple of minutes of deep breathing and Derek's intermittent pleas, he manages to bring himself to open the door, revealing his pitiful friend in front of him.
"Pretty boy, listen, I really am so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, and I shouldn't have said what I said," Derek says, gazing imploringly into Spencer's eyes. "I was just curious but I went about it in the wrong way and ended up embarrassing you, and that's the last thing I meant to do, you have to believe me—"
Spencer isn't sure what compels him to do it, but Derek is rambling and Spencer is staring at his mouth and the pretty shapes it makes when he talks, and before he knows it, he's surging forward and pressing his lips against Derek's mid-sentence.
It's so brief and chaste he doesn't give Derek any time to react, because he's quickly pulling away as horror fills him, his blood turning cold. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did that! I don't know—"
He doesn't get any further in his apology, because Derek's leaning back in, slower this time, more deliberately, and kissing him again, taking his jaw in one hand and his waist in the other as Spencer's hands come up to rest on Derek's strong chest. He's being kissed like this is the last time Derek will ever get the chance, like the sun won't rise in the morning and this is the only time their lips will ever be pressed together like this, and it's dizzying, this time in a good way.
When they finally pull apart, Derek looks desperate and serious as his eyes flick between meeting each of Spencer's, and he can't stand him looking or feeling like that any longer, so he says it. He admits the feelings he's had for Derek since he first met him.
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to do that."
Derek melts in relief as a big smile works its way onto the lips Spencer just kissed. "Thank God, pretty boy, because I reckon I've been waiting even longer."
Somehow, Spencer doubts that, but he smiles anyway and leans in for another kiss because right now all he wants to think about is how the first person to ever kiss him was Derek Morgan, and how he never wants anybody else to ever do the same.
There'll be time for playful bickering in the morning. There'll be time for a lot of things come morning, and Spencer just can't wait to see what it'll hold.
taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @lesbiantodds @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @negativefouriq @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @livrere-blue @hotchseyebrows @enbyspencer @reidology @transhanniballecter @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @hotchscotchh @marsjareau @oliverbrnch @im-autistic @anxious-enby @kuolonsyoja @reidreids @ropoto @thosecriminalminds @wifeyprentiss @cmily @love-pyramus @notevanbuckley (add yourself to my taglist)
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The final round of Obiyukimadness21 is here!
Here’s my “Rampage Rescue” vs “Only one bed”
Where Yuki swoops in and desperately gets Obi to safety before it’s too late! Also, it’s the return of Morning Glory my oc horse >:D yeehaw
✨And NO you may not trace, copy or steal my work✨
STORY TIME!!!
The talented writer @fade-touched-obsidian and art buddy of mine made a story to go with my art and 🥺😭❤️ just ty so much for this. Enjoy her story!!!
Obi had at least been smart enough to bring her along despite his reservations regarding safety.
"Your expertise will be needed, Miss," he'd said. The words that had surprised her only hours ago haunt her now, though Shirayuki seriously doubts that he intended for things to go this far south even way up here in the north. Their relationship with the royal family was never supposed to come to light.
For once, though, it seems Obi is the target for his closeness to Zen rather than hers. He's a known knight of Zen and it was for this reason Eisetsu approached them for help in his quest to seek out Touka supporters within his territory. It's Eisetsu's plan to ferret out traitors to the crown that Obi had been put in harm's way. And it was that closeness that had seen him brutally attacked this evening.
There's nothing to be done for it now, though. It was a task that couldn't be put off. The threat to the royal family is real and present and Obi had gone into the Knight's Ball with Eisetsu thinking all would probably be fine. But things rarely ever do go according to plan.
She and Tsuruba ended up storming the place when Obi collapsed after flashing them the signal out the back balcony. Whatever plans they'd had, had quickly devolved the moment Obi stepped foot inside closed doors that weren't meant for him to open. A foul plot is still afoot but investigator safety is important, though Obi would likely disagree with the abandonment of the mission… if he were still coherent.
Good thing he's not conscious or, if he is, it's because he's hanging on by a fine thread. Conscious or not, he isn't lucid.
It's also a good thing that his life preservation skills are miraculously always present, which raises serious questions about the childhood he evades discussing at all costs but that's neither here nor there right now. What matters is that his heart is still beating, his lungs are still breathing, and his arms are locked around her waist to prevent himself from falling off the back end of the horse.
Shirayuki loses herself to thought for heaven only knows how long. He has a head injury. That will need to be evaluated for internal issues. He's bleeding from several cuts to his left side, the most dangerous being the one on his left leg.
His dark dress pants were already saturated with a worrying amount of blood when Tsuruba and Eisetsu helped gather him up behind her… Tsuruba and Eisetsu- haven't heard their horses in a while. They have his jacket. He will want that back… irrelevant. She discards the thought of his jacket, annoyed with herself for having been sidetracked by the removal of his jacket even if they'd removed it to see the injury to his left arm. He has a cut there. He'll need stitches. Plenty of them. And in plenty of places… and that's if she can even get him home before he bleeds out.
All she has to hold herself together right now is her medical knowledge. He's hurt and he needs her at her absolute best. He might not make it otherwise. He might not make it at all if the injury to his leg continues to weep crimson, which it has, given the amount of blood now spreading into the folds of her skirts as they wrap around him in the wind. Perhaps it would have been wise to move his belt from his waist to his thigh. He can lose a limb and survive. He can’t lose much more blood and claim the same victory.
The blood isn't spurting from anywhere, nor is it gushing. An artery hadn't been hit but several wounds are deep and flowing… so I have time. Just…just not a lot of it. Less than I'd like. A lot less than I'd like. But I have time. He just has to stay with me.
She regrets, only momentarily, that they didn't take the time to resaddle Glory before they took off. Perhaps untacking wasn't the wisest of options but they had planned on being there for a while, not a quick in-and-out that took less than an hour.
It's uncomfortable and moderately dangerous to be riding tandem with an unconscious man without some sort of saddlery but she wasn't willing to waste precious time on something like lunging all the puffed up hot air out of Obi's prankster horse to ensure the saddle holds in place.
"Damn it, Obi. Stay with me," she pleads. But it's met with silence save for the galloping cadence of the horse's hooves at pounds a swift and steady three-count beat into the dirt below.
There’s a plausible chance that the gash on his lower thigh rivals the one that left the scar on his chest. Maybe not in length. But depth? Shock to his system? Certainly. She wasn’t there to help him when he was in danger during his youth but she can do something about this one. Hopefully. She’d hoped she’d never need to- she promised him safety, just as he promises her. Yet, here they are. It isn’t really possible to protect a knight whose job is to protect others with their body, mind, and soul. Sometimes it just happens that they need to uphold their position to the fullest extent. BUt did it really have to always be Obi?
She wrenches her head to the side, trusting Glory to know what to do, so she can look at him and his head rolls slightly on her shoulder. The sticky pull of blood-soaked cloth against her skin bringing her thoughts back to his head injury.
How could a simple investigation excursion turn so quickly into mayhem?
Touka.
Touka and his legion of loyal lackeys. Izana should have just cut the head off the snake and been done with the ordeal.
She doesn't usually agree with a death sentence, but it was an attempted assassination of a royal family member and, furthermore, an attempted coup. Izana would have been next. Leaving the serpent of destruction intact may prove a fatal error if she can't prevent Obi from bleeding out soon.
"Stay with me, Obi, please," she begs as his hands begin to slack around her.
Obi mumbles something incoherent, his lips and tongue made lethargic and uncoordinated by the life blood he's left dripping steadily in a trail behind them.
She just has to make it a little further. The lights of Eisetsu shine in the distance like a beacon guiding her toward Obi's own salvation. It isn't sterile for proper treatment but anything is better than nothing when a life is on the line. They can make it and hopefully that's all he needs.
"I have you, Obi. Stay with me." She's yelling now, trying to break through the hazy veil of his awareness. "Do you hear me?"
He groans, pained and weak.
Tears begin to fall down her cheeks but she doesn't raise a hand to wipe them away. She's a good enough rider to free a hand to do so, but she fears the motion being the force that breaks the dam. Her throat scratches to let out a cry and stifles it with a whisper.
"Stay with me."
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day 14
This chapter was such a cathartic experience for me that I wrote book report for it. I have little else to offer at your altar of magic aside from my undying gratitude for your continued hard work and utter awe of your literary prowess. Please enjoy my attempt at articulating the emotions you have managed to evoke in me with this chapter. Thank you once again! 💜 Jan
Set to Self Destruct: An analysis of Sora’s Day 14 of “The Gentlemen”
Every genre brings with it a set of expectations that shapes the kinds of stories it can tell and the themes it can explore. “The Gentlemen” is entirely shot from one specific location, with its participants prohibited from leaving the premises of the villa (with the allowance only for Y/N and the fan favorite winner of that week to leave for a one night date). This restriction creates a scenario where 1) at first the occupants fall into an unspoken, almost idyllic community and 2) inevitably the conflicts that arise as a consequence of a Utopian society. With the added pressures of a competition, an environment that fosters moments of high emotional tension, physical and emotional intimacy, and 8 very different personalities, it feels as if the show was doomed for dissonance right from the start. It should be no surprise that the rather straightforward, raunchy reality show devolves so quickly into a “bottle episode” filled to the brim with an emotionally charged battle of whose tongue is the sharpest. On the surface, “The Gentlemen” is a story about a single female protagonist judging the sexual abilities of seven random men but this premise and the setting with which the story plays out on, serves to explore the deeper ideas of one’s role in the balance of social harmony verses the human tendency towards self destruction.
The setting of a story can be a powerful tool in expressing a character’s journey. “Bottle episodes” have often been used for dramatic effect in visual storytelling, with the limited setting and cast allowing for a slower pace and deeper exploration of character traits and motives. Having the entirety of “The Gentlemen” be one long drawn out “bottle episode” allows for the audience to experience a slow-burn like intensity of those personalities. It takes the fundamental process of how a group stuck in a certain location together for an extended period of time inadvertently falls into certain social constructs in order to reach an equilibrium of cohesion. The roles which each occupant of the villa naturally fell into set a precedent for many of the events that followed on the show, most obvious being Y/N as the “queen bee” (the one who holds the most power in the group), Seokjin as the designated “counselor” (the one who is expected to help his fellow competitors when an emotional issue arises), and Yoongi as the “mediator” (the one who is the voice of reason and rationale when tensions run high). And yet it is revealed that there is a price for that harmony, for even roles that are not as explicit begin to weigh heavy as the days wane on. The cohesion of these roles were meant to serve as cogs that fit together to uphold a sense of teamwork in an otherwise tension filled living quarters. But people are not cogs and emotions are not gears to be compartmentalized into neat roles to serve the higher purpose of the show. And as occupants spend more time with one another, natural biases, feelings of jealousy, possessiveness, envy, and pride start to surface under the umbrella of selfish acts, we begin to see that fine balance corrode the fragile peace.
The road to self destruction has begun in earnest.
It all comes to a head at the 2 week mark of the show’s timeline. At this point, tensions have been running high: from revelation of Namjoon’s and Seokjin’s romantic feelings for Y/N, to Jimin and Hoseok’s long running rivalry, to Y/N, Jimin, and Taehyung creating a polyamorous relationship in secret, to Jungkook feeling like the odd man out. The pressures of the show were eventually bound to break someone’s resolve and we see that personified in Jungkook in this episode. After speaking with Seokjin about his warring feelings towards certain members of the group and his desires to act on his frustrations regarding the restrictive parameters of the show, Jungkook was able to unload some of the pent up tension he had been carrying around for the last few days. The audience is then lulled into a false sense of security that the equilibrium of the group has been restored when in actuality, it was a red herring that something drastic was about to unfold. At first glance, the guidance that Seokjin offers Jungkook feels like a band-aid on a bleeding artery when in actuality it was more akin to Seokjin inadvertently stepping on a landmine he believes he has already defused. And his misstep triggers the entire villa to fall victim to the explosion.
In the climatic scene of the episode, Jungkook’s pent up emotions rears its ugly head in the form of harsh words, tactless criticism, irreparably broken trust, and even fists thrown. His actions turn from verbal assaults to physical ones and the damage seems to fissure out towards the entire group. The destruction is absolute; no one is left unscathed. Why is this scene so effective? Its power is not from the dramatic way Jungkook punches Jimin for calling him out on his childish behavior or the out of character way Hoseok tries to break up the fight only to be elbowed in the face by Jimin nor is it in the heartbreaking way those that are left behind in the villa are tasked with the self imposed responsibility to pick up the literal pieces of their tenuous friendship. It is in the fact that the audience understands the self destructive actions of the characters and perhaps to some degree relate to it on a very human level. We understand that Seokjin wanted to talk through the problems with the group because he didn’t want to shoulder all of the burden himself anymore. We understand that Hoseok acts the way he does because he uses it as a defense mechanism to protect himself. We understand why Sejin did not step in earlier when he was asked to by Yoongi and why Yoongi is bitter about it as a direct result of Sejin’s choice to abstain from deescalating the fight before it got out of control. We understand that Jimin and Jungkook clashed with each other so viscerally because they see themselves in each other and it’s a jagged pill to swallow when presented with a mirror of all of the ugly sides of ourselves we think we do such a great job of hiding. Perhaps exaggerated for a more dramatic effect, but at the core of these interactions, we see the flaws that we carry as human beings and are forced to face the unpleasant feelings that it elicits in each of us. We understand because we can empathize with their struggles.
How does a community attempt to repair itself when its very foundation is practically razed to the ground? Perhaps there is an argument to be made about a complete dismantling of a previous establishment. The audience can view this inevitable clash as a “controlled burn”. In terms of forest management, a “controlled burn” is a fire set intentionally for purposes of farming, prairie restoration or greenhouse gas abatement. These “controlled burning” is conducted during the cooler months to reduce fuel buildup and decrease the likelihood of serious hotter fires. In the same way fires are a part of a forest’s life cycle, the clash that occurred on day 14 might serve as a way for the characters to start fresh, with hopes of emotional maturity and foresight for rebuilding relationships moving forward in the competition.
The damage done during day 14 of “The Gentlemen” may arguably be irreversible, perhaps even amplified by the uncertain nature of the show, but challenges were inevitable with a setting like this one. And yet, there are seeds of hope scattered among the debris. In John Yorke’s “Into the Woods: a five act journey into story” he writes “…story matches psychological theory: characters are taken on a journey to acknowledge and assimilate the traumas in their past… By confronting and coming to terms with the cause of their traumas they can finally move on.” Day 14 revealed a lot of stances, opinions, and confessions that were previously kept secret due to the need to preserve the harmonious nature of the greater good, “the community”. But human nature does not allow for peace to reign for long; it yearns balance. Thus dissonance created discourse. Yet from strife there is revelation. From the ashes of fiery emotions, there is a chance at peace anew: either reestablish order or embrace the chaos. Yet most likely it’ll come down to a melding of the two in order to find the balance a community craves whilst also giving into the character’s more baser human desire for self ruin.
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jan i literally can’t stop crying thank you so much. there’s no way for me to put into words the feeling of someone caring so much about the story and even about one particular chapter that they’ve written such an articulate and profound ESSAY on it like,,,, i have no idea what i’ve done to deserve this, because writing this story is just this little passion project that i’m fostering with my brainstorming group and with the readers. it feels like a collaborative effort and so i never really saw it as anything more than just the fun gimmick of an interactive fic in a crazy situation.
you see things in my story that even i don’t see, make it sound beautiful when i worried it was awkward, and i can’t thank you enough for that. and when you brought up Into the Woods i LOST it, i adore that book and hearing someone quote a masterwork like that when referring to my fanfiction? it’s so absurd but so special all at once.
i’ve never really considered becoming an actual author because the pressure of money and income relying on it seems scary to me (even commissions stress me out) so i’m eternally grateful to you for always making me feel like this is something professional. getting a glimpse into that life by you writing an analysis on d14 is just.... i really can’t describe how special it is.
every week i aim to make each chapter better than the last, and we have a very different landscape in the house on day 15 after our controlled (perhaps not so controlled) burn. i’ll patiently await your thoughts then, but i just want to say that you inspire me to work harder each week ;;-;
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The Red Dragon - Chapter 14
Gratsu Bingo 2019
Prompt: Free
AO3 | FF.Net | Tumblr: Chapter 1 | Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Atlas Flame raced through the air, his body wreathed in raging hellfire as his wings flew him toward Talos as swiftly as they were able. He kept above cloud cover to avoid detection from any humans who might be keeping watch.
It had been almost two years since the dragons had left their cave to take care of what they had thought would be a simple problem, which had turned out to be anything but, and they’d been in constant conflict ever since.
The renegade dragon slayers were killing dragons indiscriminately, and this had caused some of the pro-human dragons to switch sides. Atlas had created the enchantment that had allowed for this to happen. This was a well-known fact that didn’t net him any friends among dragons or humans.
He knew he’d made Igneel’s job harder than it needed to be and he hated it. He’d already begun trying to think of ways to revert the dragon slayer spell, to remove their magic and return it to its source, even if that was now only the ethernano present in the atmosphere. It would be a complicated process, but he was confident he could manage it, given enough time and resources. Two things he didn’t have access to at the moment.
Atlas had decided enough was enough. He needed to get to work on that spell, but he couldn’t do that while he was responsible for Igneel’s protection and now that the renegade dragon slayers were after his brother he needed someone to take his place. Someone he knew he could trust to protect Igneel with his life no matter what the circumstances. Only one name came to mind, and even though Atlas knew his brother would hate him for it, he’d set off in search of his nephew.
He examined his surroundings and allowed himself to relax...not much longer now.
O-o
Sting arrived in the morning, having spent the night in the barracks along with Wendy, per Erza’s request. Rogue was still asleep, so he hadn’t been able to ask him about Natsu and why the Fire Dragon Slayer had felt the need to keep the patrols a secret from them.
It was something that had bothered him, even if he hadn’t voiced it. He and Natsu had been best friends for years, and even though they’d had a talk some months earlier, it felt like they’d never quite gotten back to normal. Their friendship had devolved into a comfortable acquaintance, full of fondness for times past but with no future in sight.
Sting still felt as though Natsu had replaced him with Gray, and even though he could understand a lot of the reasons why, it didn’t keep him from feeling hurt by how distant their relationship had become.
He shook those thoughts away as he watched Rogue toss and turn uncomfortably in their shared sleeping area. Once they’d gotten together, they’d soon stopped sleeping in the main room with the others, wanting privacy to explore their newfound intimacy. The others had quickly returned to their rooms as well.
Sting reached out to run his fingers through Rogue’s hair and attempt to provide him some comfort, but he knew that would wake his mate up, so he stopped, hand in midair.
He decided to let Rogue get whatever rest he was able. The way things were looking at the moment, it was something they wouldn’t be getting for much longer. Sting sent some feelings through their shared bond to help ease his mate back into a comfortable sleep and watched contentedly as a small smile graced Rogue’s lips as he snuggled into the covers, his arms reaching out for Sting.
Erza was on a rampage, demanding they find every able-bodied man and woman in the village, with or without magic and train them to fight as well as defend themselves. Most of the mages Lyon and Gray had sent his way weren’t very powerful, they would have probably failed the tests required to enter the guard, but these were desperate times.
He had it easy, he just had to train people, but Rogue was out actively looking for dragons to fight. Sting was well aware that Rogue was strong, hell in some ways he was stronger than him, yet Sting couldn’t help but wish that Natsu had chosen someone else to go on patrol with him.
Lyon had explained to him that the only choices Natsu had left were Gajeel and Rogue and given those choices Rogue was, of course, the best one for the job. Gajeel and Natsu fought too often to make a good team long term, but that still left Sting with a distinct pang in his heart at the thought that Rogue might get into a dangerous situation and he wouldn’t be able to help in any way. He’d have to rely on Natsu and Happy to have his mate’s back, and that was as comforting as it was irksome.
At the thought of the young dragon, he felt the familiar guilt and shame at having attacked him. Back when it had happened Igneel had given him a task he’d not been able to complete, although he’d tried.
Igneel had ordered Sting to take care of the wyrmling until he was able to do so on his own, but when Sting had returned to the place where he and Wendy had left him, the wyrmling was long gone. Sting had looked for him for a few weeks but never once caught a whiff of his scent.
He wanted to make it up to Happy for his mistake, but the dragon still acted scared of him and he didn’t know how to change that. For the moment he decided to go relax in the hot spring before he had to head back into work.
O-o
Natsu entered the hot spring surprised to find Sting already there. It made him a little nervous but also pleased. It was rare for them to get time together these days and he missed his friend. Besides, he was in a great mood, having woken up next to Gray for the second day in a row. They’d spent a lazy morning making out in the field before heading home to get ready for work. He could absolutely get used to that. He finally understood why Sting and Rogue were always in such a great mood in the mornings.
“Mind if I join you?” Natsu asked, and when Sting shook his head, he immediately stripped and walked into the spring, sitting down on one of the natural steps and letting the scalding water work away at his aching muscles.
“Have a good night last night?” Sting teased as he openly stared at Natsu’s neck and laughed.
“What?” Natsu glanced at him in confusion, quickly running his fingers along his neck, which only made Sting laugh that much harder.
“It looks like you were gnawed on by a wild animal,” Sting managed in between laughs.
Natsu was embarrassed to feel himself blushing, but he was too happy to care.
“Maybe ask Gray to show some restraint next time, word will definitely get out soon if you two are walking around town like that.”
“How did you know it was Gray?”
“Besides the fact that I walked past the two of you sleeping on my way home, who else would it be?” Sting rolled his eyes at his friend.
“So are you mates now?” Sting asked him eagerly.
Natsu shook his head and looked away, knowing he wouldn’t be able to adequately explain his reasons.
“Why the hell not? For fuck’s sake Natsu you’ve been eye-fucking the guy since he got here and honestly he’s not much better!”
“I’ve been doing no such thing,” Natsu protested.
“You’re a moron,” Sting sighed, “How have you been able to fight the instinct for as long as you have? I was terrified I would hurt Rogue if I didn’t act on it soon and he was the same. We wouldn’t even have known what was happening if Weisslogia and Skiadrum hadn’t explained it to us. They seemed surprised that ended up being part of the enchantment.”
Sting regarded him with concern and Natsu was curious if mating worked differently for dragon slayers. Sure it was difficult and occasionally painful to repress his instincts and urges, but it had never been a huge problem yet. Then again he was usually so tired, that was probably the more likely reason.
“Is it because of the dragon thing?” Sting rubbed his forehead, looking puzzled, “Dude, he wants to bone you, not your dragon. What the hell does it matter?”
“I mean that’s part of it, yeah, but it’s more than that,” Natsu admitted, “With everything that’s going on I just didn’t think it was a good time.” He hoped that Sting would leave it at that.
Sting studied him and quickly became serious, “What is going on?”
Natsu frowned, debating whether he should reveal his suspicions. If he was right the others deserved to know, they’d be responsible for defending the town as best they could in his absence. He was counting on Happy to continue the patrols without him.
“I think Atlas is coming for me,” Natsu revealed, “If that’s true, there’s no way I could claim Gray and then leave even if I wanted to. That would be dangerous for both of us.”
“The nightmare?” Sting gawked at him, “You think Atlas was trying to communicate with you, don’t you?”
Natsu nodded, meeting Sting’s gaze and seeing the dread in his friend’s eyes.
“Can he even do that?” Sting questioned out loud.
“I don’t know, but the more I think about it, the more convinced I am, it felt too real to be anything else.”
“Well, if you’re right then you definitely did the right thing by not claiming him.” Sting grimaced, his brow creasing with worry, “But I really hope you’re wrong.”
“You and me both,” Natsu submerged himself in the hot water, coming back up only when his lungs were begging for air. He pushed his hair back only to see Sting still wearing the same expression.
“Natsu,” Sting’s voice was heavy, and Natsu immediately knew what he was going to ask.
“I won’t let anything happen to him,” Natsu assured him with a confident smile, “I promise I’ll always watch out for him.”
He could almost see the tension ease itself out of Sting’s shoulders at his words, “I’m going to hold you to that. He means everything to me.” Sting’s eyes bored into Natsu, willing him to recognize the trust he was placing in him,” You’ll understand what I mean as soon as you’re mated.”
“I’m happy for you, by the way,” Sting’s features softened, his smile full of affection,” We all are. You were a stubborn idiot, it was pretty obvious how he felt about you.”
“Was it?” Natsu mused.
Sting answered by dunking him underwater, and it soon devolved into a splash war, both of them giggling like lunatics.
“Am I interrupting something?” Rogue tried to sound stern, but there was a slight smile he couldn’t conceal as he watched the two dragon slayers playing.
Natsu and Sting communicated with a look Rogue immediately recognized from their childhood as being trouble. He tried to turn and run, but they were too quick, each grabbing one of his arms and dragging him into the water with them, clothes and all.
They continued to play for a few minutes before Sting got a mischievous look on his face and began whispering in Rogue’s ear, making Rogue turn his head to stare at Natsu’s neck before dissolving into giggles.
“Holy shit, Natsu!” Rogue covered his mouth in mock shock, “Get attacked by another dragon?”
“Very funny,” Natsu stuck his tongue out at Rogue, who grinned at him good-naturedly before getting caught in an embrace by Sting, “On that note, I’ll let you guys have some alone time before we have to go patrol, be ready in an hour.”
By the time Natsu had finished bathing himself, they’d already forgotten all about him. He watched them briefly, smiling at how in love they were with each other. He really was happy for them, and he promised himself he would do everything in his power to protect that love.
He got himself ready and spent some time play wrestling with Happy as they waited for Rogue to show up. They finally heard Sting leave the cave and head into town even as Rogue’s quiet steps approached Natsu’s room.
The three of them started walking towards the cave exit, Rogue startling Natsu when he broke the silence.
“It was nice to see you and Sting spending some time together,” Natsu could almost hear the smile in Rogue’s words, “He misses you, you know.”
“I miss him too,” Natsu admitted, feeling sorry that his friendship with Sting had suffered so much since Gray had arrived. If only Erza hadn’t forced them together, or if the dragons hadn’t all left, things might have been different, but Natsu held on to the idea it was all temporary. Someday soon it would all be resolved, and things could go back to the way they were.
Sting was his best friend, the first one to accept him out of all his friends. When they were younger, they’d been inseparable, wreaking havoc on the school and on rare occasions the orphanage with their pranks and play. Natsu couldn’t imagine anything that could really destroy that bond any more than the one he shared with his mate.
He called upon his magic and turned into his dragon form hearing Rogue gasp as he did so. Natsu turned and looked at him quizzically.
“I’m sorry, it’s going to take me a while to get used to that,” Rogue admitted, sounding embarrassed at his outburst.
“It’s okay, “Natsu grumbled softly, trying to ignore the sting of those words. Rogue hadn’t said anything bad, and he couldn’t really expect him to respond differently. He’d been incredibly accepting as it was.
They remained quiet for a few hours until it started to get on Natsu’s nerves. “Why are you so quiet?” He asked the Shadow Dragon Slayer as he flew next to Happy. Rogue shook his head once again, looking over at Natsu in his dragon form.
“All of this is so strange, the idea that a human can just turn into a dragon, I never thought it was possible. I mean, is the opposite true? Can a dragon turn into a human as well?” Rogue wondered aloud.
Natsu decided to avoid the question even though he obviously knew the answer. He began his marking, knowing it would disgust Rogue and cause him to leave the topic alone. Natsu focused on his task, while Happy and Rogue flew behind him to keep track of anything that might try to attack them from the rear.
O-o
Atlas was about two hundred miles from Talos when he first encountered the scent that shouldn’t have been there yet. He roared, torn between great pride and anger at his nephew for doing something so reckless. He had expanded their territory, from what Atlas could tell he’d managed to almost double it, and Atlas could only imagine the effort required for a dragon Natsu’s size to do that. It would have been exhausting, especially combined with training and his regular duties.
Damn it, boy! Why must you always take things too far?
The first twinge of doubt crossed his mind. If Natsu was prepared to work this hard to protect the town, what lengths would he be willing to go to protect his father? Could he really ask this of him?
Atlas tried to ignore the guilt that was gnawing away at him. He had to create that counterspell, there was no other way to end the war at this point without the dragon population being decimated. He needed help, and Natsu was the only one he could really trust with Igneel’s safety. He steeled himself for what was to come.
When he was about eighty miles from Talos, he was surprised to recognize the sharp tang of Natsu’s dragon scent some miles ahead of him. Why would Natsu be in his dragon form in broad daylight? Atlas couldn’t think of any reason that wasn’t dangerous so even though he was exhausted from flying for two days straight without any respite Atas pushed himself to meet up with his nephew.
O-o
“Something’s coming up behind us, flying fast,” Rogue reported, his voice tense as he got his magic ready. He was nervous, never having had to use his magic while flying atop a dragon before. The few times he’d ridden Skiadrum they had been more like joyrides, something to help them bond as they got to know each other better.
“Relax, it’s just Atlas,” Natsu responded, having already turned around. He knew what he would see, there was no way he’d ever confuse that scent, especially not when part of him had been expecting it. He was filled with equal parts elation and trepidation as his uncle flew towards them, confused as to why he was coming so fast. He wondered if his uncle were being followed, but he’d never known Atlas to run away from a fight, and he didn’t detect any other dragon smells in the vicinity.
He and Happy stayed where they were, waiting for Atlas to reach them.
“Is everything okay?” Atlas spoke with effort, his breath coming in ragged pants as he caught up to them.
“Everything’s fine,” Natsu replied, watching his uncle with confusion.
“But you’re in your dragon form in plain daylight!” Atlas exclaimed.
“Yeah, a lot has happened,” Natsu explained, “We were just doing the patrol. That spell you taught me sure has come in handy.”
“Spell?” Atlas was too tired to follow his meaning, and Natsu cringed as he saw how exhausted his uncle looked. The hellfire dragon looked at Happy with curious eyes, “Who’s this youngling?”
“This is Happy,” Happy bowed his head in respect and Natsu felt a surge of love for the young dragon that had quickly become so important to him. “I’ll fill you in once we get home. Happy, can you and Rogue scrounge up some grub for Atlas?”
“Aye, sir!” Happy chirped as he changed direction and headed back towards the woods to hunt, while Rogue yelled he would get the other dragon slayers and meet them again at the cave later.
“I’m confused as hell, but you’re fine, and I’m too tired to care about anything else right now,” Atlas admitted honestly, “Let’s go home.”
Natsu flew next to his uncle, examining him as they traveled. It was hard to see through his hellfire, but Natsu was able to detect a large number of scars across Atlas’ body that hadn’t been there before. Most of them looked faded, but there were a few that looked more recent.
It shocked Natsu because his uncle had always been able to heal both himself and others. To have that much damage could only mean one of two things, either the wounds had been more than he could treat, or he was depleting his magic to heal others. Healing was not a typical dragon ability outside of sky dragons, Natsu only had a small amount because of his mother, or at least that’s what Igneel had told him when he was younger.
That thought put him right back into the nightmare, remembering how the other dragons had looked and how the dream had ended.
“Where’s Dad?” Natsu’s voice cracked as his anxiety kicked in hard and fast. He had an urgent need to be reassured that Igneel was okay and when Atlas didn’t respond right away, he was filled with dread.
“Igneel is fine,” Atlas was quick to assure him before adding, “He just doesn’t know I’m here.”
“What?! Who the hell is watching him then?” Natsu roared, his fire spewing out of his muzzle as fury erupted through him. “You promised me, Atlas.”
“Metalicana is watching him.”
“But he’s injured,” Natsu protested, and Atlas stared at him, his green eyes narrowing as he spoke.
“How the hell could you possibly know that?”
So Atlas had not been trying to communicate with him after all. They reached the cave entrance soon after without Natsu having answered the question.
Atlas sneaked glances at him but didn’t push, the tired dragon immediately collapsing in the main room, his loud snores reverberating throughout the cave. Natsu sat in his human form and watched his uncle sleep as his thoughts ran wild. After a few minutes, he moved to the massive dragon’s side, laying down next to him and tugging the dragon’s large wing around him like a blanket. Natsu felt it tighten around him even as Atlas grunted contentedly in his sleep. He soon fell into a comfortable sleep.
O-o
“Have a good time last night?” Sting tried to sound innocent as they were changing into their guard uniforms in the men’s changing room, but Gray wasn’t fooled. From the moment Sting had arrived in town he’d been trying to get a look at his neck.
Gray turned away from the dragon slayer as he took his shirt off, which he’d managed to keep on for this very same reason. He and Natsu had both gotten carried away that morning, but while the dragon slayer always wore his scarf, Gray usually lost his shirt at some point during the day.
Sting laughed, “Relax man, I already saw your handiwork this morning, I just wanted to see if Natsu gave as good as he got.”
He became serious, his voice lowering into a growl, “Do I have to give you the if you hurt him speech, or are we good?”
Gray rolled his eyes, “We’re good, I’d never hurt him.”
“Good, cause I will end you,” Sting replied matter of factly before breaking into one of his carefree grins leaving Gray feeling unsettled as he walked over to the area Erza had assigned them to do their training.
O-o
Natsu waited impatiently for his uncle to wake up, even using all his senses he hadn’t been able to suss out anything more and it frustrated him. If Atlas hadn’t tried to communicate with him, then had the dream just been a coincidence? Had he tapped into some new ability?
He supposed it didn’t really matter, the point was he’d known Atlas was coming for him and he’d been right. As much as he’d been dreading this moment, a part of him had always known it was inevitable.
He was having a hard time keeping his emotions under control, more than anything he wanted to prevent Gray from realizing anything was amiss yet. It was going to be hard enough to leave after having only just gotten together. Natsu didn’t want to go, but he didn’t exactly have a choice, not while his father was in danger. He could only hope that Atlas gave him enough time to say goodbye.
Natsu knew Gray was going to be angry, and he was going to be scared. He remembered how Gray’s body had trembled when he’d learned Natsu had gone up against the silver dragon. He fought off the sorrow of knowing he was going to have to inflict pain on his beloved.
Natsu played with his scarf, trying very hard to not think about the fact that he might very well never return.
A/N: So it begins… I will try very hard to stay true to the every two weeks' schedule for the next few chapters. The next part of the story is one of the ones I was having trouble with, so not all the chapters are ready, although the next chapter is about 50% done. The following two chapters are still being plotted out, one should be in Natsu’s POV, the other in Gray’s.
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Suspension of Disbelief: Ch 4
2018 Big Bang Fic Challenge Submission
Amazing Artist, Big Bang Partner, and Header Creator: @ahoardofsides
TW: Villainous Deceit, angst, manipulation, gaslighting, self-deprecation, self-harm, anxiety attack, violence, blood, attempted murder
Pairings: Platonic LAMP
WC: 4452
( Master | AO3 | 1 | 2 | 3 | Chapter 4: A Midsummer Nightmare | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 )
When Roman awakened this time, there was no one knocking at his door.
He laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. In his head, he tried to muddle his way through his ongoing disagreement with the others, and why did he keep managing to mess things up every time it looked like they were getting better?
Roman eventually managed to rouse himself from his dejection enough to decide, he needed to make a better effort. Patton had certainly been trying to reach out to him this whole time. There was no reason he shouldn’t at least try.
And so, in what was becoming a familiar scene, Roman joined the others as they were finishing their breakfast. They all paused, watching him carefully.
Roman braced himself with a deep breath. “My friends, I… wanted to extend an invitation to all of you. Would you join me in my adventures in the imagination today?”
Patton was delighted, immediately accepting. “Oh, absolutely Roman! I’d love to!”
Logan and Virgil were clearly less certain, exchanging a look and neither saying anything at first.
Roman tried not to let that sting. “I know it’s… been a while, since we’ve done anything together,” he admitted. “I thought this might help us get back on the right foot.”
Logan put a hand to his chin. “Indulging in fantasy scenarios is not something I’m usually eager to partake in… But, I agree,” he offered, gesturing with the same hand. “It would be good to have some… ‘bonding time’.”
Patton clapped his hands and looked expectantly to Virgil, as did Logan and Roman.
“Well, Grand Marshal of the Black Parade,” Roman hazarded. “…What say you?”
Virgil pulled a face and made a prolonged noise of displeasure; Roman grit his teeth. Patton was unfazed, cheerfully pointing out, “I’m not hearing a no!”
“Fine,” Virgil finally relented, rolling his eyes.
And so, the sides journeyed into Roman’s fantasy together; at first, all seemed normal. Patton was having a grand time, Logan was at least making an effort to enjoy himself, and Virgil… Virgil was going along with it, if unenthusiastically.
The adventure played out simply enough, with the sides as heroes questing to save a village from a nearby band of ruffians. It was somewhat straightforward, but plot twists and dramatic tension weren’t nearly so important as rebuilding a sense of camaraderie.
Their current path led them through a forest that had certainly never existed any place in reality. It was too pristine, too beautiful, too easy to traverse and was entirely devoid of spiders and mosquitos. Still, Roman couldn’t help but be cautiously pleased, especially as Patton delightedly pointed out each and every animal that crossed their path, or when he marveled at how pretty the sunlight shining through the leaves was.
Logan wore an exasperated but amused expression, and was notably refraining from pointing out the lack of realism. Part of Roman wanted to say something, maybe even thank the logical side— at least to let Logan know that Roman did notice the effort he was making. He couldn’t quite figure out how to word that without embarrassing himself completely, though.
Virgil was, perhaps not unsurprisingly, thumbing at something on his phone, his other hand jammed in the pocket of his hoodie. Roman let out a breath and glanced away, trying not to be frustrated.
Virgil was at least there with them. That counted for something.
For his own part, Roman tried to be a little less boisterous than he might have normally been— no breaking into song, no rallying speeches about how they would best their foes. Just… having the company of his fellow sides, and letting them enjoy themselves on their own terms.
“Roman?”
The princely side started, then glanced at Logan; from the tone of his voice, it wasn’t the first time he’d tried to catch his attention. Roman offered a sheepish smile. “My apologies, I was lost in thought.”
“So long as we’re not lost in Thomas’s imagination.” Logan raised one eyebrow, but also wore the hint of a smile. “I presume you know where we’re going? You’ve been uncharacteristically quiet since we left the village.”
Roman gave a short chuckle and glanced away. “Ahh… Well, I just wanted to let everyone take it all in, I suppose.” When he looked back to Logan, Roman could see the other side wasn’t quite buying it, but he let it slide nonetheless.
Patton took that opportunity to pop up between them, putting an arm around either of their shoulders. “Well, I know I’m having a good time, Roman! In fact,” he went on, grinning, “I’d say this whole afternoon has been a real tree-t!”
Roman pressed a hand to his mouth, trying not to smile at the expression on Logan’s face.
“Yes. It’s been a pleasure,” Logan said, voice flat. “Thus far.”
“Sorry Logan. That was really a-corny pun, wasn’t it?”
This time, Roman had to stifle a snort, and he was pretty sure he heard Virgil chuckling behind them; Patton beamed at him. Logan pressed his lips into a thin line, clearly trying very hard to bite down on whatever it was he wanted to say. “Our destination?” he reminded Roman instead, speaking a little louder than was strictly necessary. “There are some criminals we’re supposed to apprehend, are there not?”
“A group of bandits,” Roman answered, deciding to take pity on Logan. “They make their lair in a cave in this forest. We’ll need to be careful, however, as the whole area surrounding it is littered with traps. Not to worry, though,” he added after a moment, with a little more of his usual bravado. “With the four of us, we shall conquer any obstacle in our path!”
“Right!” Patton agreed, dropping his arm to nudge Logan’s shoulder with his own. “So long as we stick together! I know we can get to the root of this problem, and achieve a vic-tree. Nothing’s going to stump us!”
Roman doubled over in a fit of very fake coughing, while Virgil quietly lost it; Logan stopped dead in the middle of the pathway, his whole body rigid, refusing to move any further.
Patton paused and turned around, barely containing his mischievous grin. “Uh oh… I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess, I might have pushed the puns to the ex-tree-m?”
“Easy there, Pat, his eye’s starting to twitch,” Virgil said, finally choosing to join the conversation. Patton turned and regarded Logan, who did indeed look like he was about to blow a gasket.
“…Wood you like me to stop?”
“I’m going on ahead,” Logan declared loudly, and stalked away from the other three.
“Don’t wander off!” Virgil called after him.
“Well, I guess he can’t cedar forest for the trees, huh?” Patton murmured, and Roman finally burst into guffaws, unable to contain himself any longer. Up ahead, Logan started walking faster.
Oh, it felt good, to laugh like that. To share jokes with the others. Roman hadn’t even realized how much he’d missed it; perhaps Patton had, though, judging by the warm look the moral side was giving him. Just as quickly, though, something else caught Patton’s attention off in the trees— “Ooh! Was that a robin?”— and he veered off in another direction.
Virgil threw his hands up in exasperation. “What did I just say?”
Roman’s laughter died down to a chuckle, and he shook his head. When he looked back up, though, he noticed that Logan was getting quite a ways ahead of them. While his good mood couldn’t be dampened by guilt, he still jogged to catch up. “Logan, wait!”
It took a few minutes of coaxing, but Roman soon managed to catch Logan’s interest again with discussion of some of the traps they might have to face. Patton continued to wander back and forth across the trail, searching for wildlife and wearing a wide smile; even Virgil seemed relaxed, enjoying the peace.
They continued on this way for at least another quarter of an hour, everyone’s spirits considerably lightened. In fact, engaged in a lively debate with Logan over the optimal construction of pitfalls, Roman could have completely forgotten that there had been any awkwardness or tension to begin with.
Right up until the moment when Virgil suddenly asked, voice full of alarm, “Where’s Patton?”
Logan and Roman both ground to a halt, spinning to see Virgil— and just Virgil. Roman’s heart started to pound faster.
“Now, there’s no call for panic,” Logan tempered. “The simplest explanation is that Patton most likely strayed from the path while looking for woodland creatures.” He gestured to the forest around them. “He probably hasn’t gone that far.”
“We should split up to look for him,” Roman immediately suggested.
Virgil gave him an incredulous look. “We’ve already lost one of us, and you want to split up?”
Roman turned towards Virgil, trying not to let frustration take hold again. “We need to find him, and it’s the fastest way.”
Logan interceded before it could devolve into bickering. “Roman is right; speed is of the essence. So long as we stay within auditory range of one another, we should be able to keep track of each other’s positions.”
The dark expression on Virgil’s face made it clear what he thought of that idea, but he didn’t argue any further.
They wasted no more time in starting their search; the three of them started back the way they came, with Virgil sticking to the path and Roman and Logan going off to either side of it, calling out for their missing friend.
“Patton!”
Roman paused, listening for any response. All he could hear, however, was Virgil also yelling Patton’s name, and a little fainter, Logan doing the same.
He sighed and pressed on, leaves crunching under his boots. He wasn’t too anxious just yet; this sort of plot twist wasn’t uncommon in the imagination. Still, it was one thing when it happened to him— Roman ventured into the imagination all the time, he was familiar with its quirks. And, he was armed. Thomas’s imagination wasn’t a particularly dark place, but it could still be dangerous, and Patton was a little too trusting.
A hint of movement ahead made Roman freeze again, eyes straining to pick out whatever it was he had noticed. “…Patton?”
No voice called back, but Roman did hear a strange creaking noise that took a moment for him to place…
With a start, his eyes went wide— the creaking gave way to a whistling sound, and Roman flung himself to the forest floor. The crack of wood splintering sounded overhead, and pieces of bark showered down onto Roman.
He didn’t need to see the shattered shaft of the arrow to realize that one had just glanced off of the tree above him.
Leaves and twigs dug into Roman’s palms as he shoved himself back up, scrambling to get his feet under him. “Bandits!” Roman bellowed, trying to warn his fellow sides. “Virgil, Logan!”
He could hear more people in the forest around him now, chasing after him, and he raced to rejoin his companions. Then, Roman heard a shout that made his blood turn to ice: “We’ve got one here!”
Roman immediately turned that way, drawing his sword mid-stride. He burst back onto the path to find that two of the thugs had Virgil backed up against a tree trunk, his eyes wide with fear.
He gave them no time to react; Roman charged in, and even as the first bandit turned to look Roman smashed the hilt of his sword into their face.
The second one gave a startled cry, but quickly recovered and swung their sword at Roman. He met it with his own, then lashed out with one booted foot, catching the ruffian in the thigh and kicking them to the ground.
Then he latched onto one of Virgil’s sleeves— “Come on!”
Virgil got no chance to protest or even react before Roman started dragging him along— none too soon, as more of the bandits emerged from the trees where Roman had appeared.
Luckily, Virgil turned out to be as fast a runner as Roman was. Unfortunately, their pursuers weren’t that far behind; it would only take one slip to give them the chance to catch up.
This was still Roman’s forest, though— he knew it as well as any imaginary villain that inhabited it, and he had a clear destination in mind as he pulled Virgil after him. If they could just reach the spot in time…
Then, through the trees ahead of them, Roman could see it.
Apparently Virgil saw it too, because he dug his heels in, trying to stop. “Whoa— no!”
The ground in front of them dropped away in a steep embankment— but the shouts behind them were getting louder. Roman paused just long enough to sheath his sword, then grabbed Virgil’s shoulders with both hands. “Yes!”
Without waiting for a response, he drug Virgil over the lip. They both immediately lost their footing, sliding down the embankment, and tumbling into a heap at the bottom. Roman was the first to recover, scrambling to his feet and trying to pull Virgil to his.
There was just enough of an overhang, with thick vegetation in front of it, that it couldn’t be seen from above. Roman yanked Virgil down with him, just barely managing to hide before the sound of voices drifted down to them.
“Think they went down this way?”
Virgil sucked in a loud breath, and Roman instinctively clamped a hand over the anxious side’s mouth.
“I don’t see anything… look around!”
The seconds seemed to stretch for an eternity in which the two of them stayed frozen, neither daring to move.
Until, finally: “Ugh, can’t find nothin’… all right! Keep moving!”
Roman would have waited another few minutes, to be absolutely certain that the bandits had moved on. He wasn’t given the option, however; Virgil angrily shoved his hand away, elbowing him in the ribs and shooting the creative side a dirty look.
Roman grunted, flinching, and was ready to snap at Virgil. That was, until he saw the way Virgil sat stiffly with his shoulders hunched, pressing himself up against the dirt embankment— as far away from Roman as he could get in the small space.
Struck with a pang of guilt, Roman tried to apologize. “Virgil, I’m—”
“Whatever,” Virgil growled, pulling the hood of his jacket up around his neck like a ruff. He shoved his way past the other side, clambering to his feet. Roman let out a breath, then started to push himself up as well.
Standing again, Roman allowed himself a moment to take stock of where they were: the bottom of a streambed, with water trickling over mossy rocks at their feet. It was actually rather beautiful, and under any other circumstances, Roman would have liked to stop and take the time to admire his handiwork. As it was—
“So what now?”
Roman winced, but schooled his expression as he turned to Virgil, who wore a flat look and held both arms out to the side before letting them drop.
Roman took a moment to straighten his back and take a breath, trying to project his usual air of confidence. “First thing, we should get out of this gully. We don’t want to be trapped down here if they come back.”
Virgil gestured to the bank they had slid down, and Roman immediately took his point.
“I know, it’s too steep,” Roman acknowledged, grimacing. They couldn’t go back the way they came. “The other side is shallow enough, though; we can climb up and follow the stream until we find a spot where we can cross back over.”
“Then we can start looking for Patton, and Logan.” The stare Virgil gave Roman was neutral, but his tone was bitter.
Roman had no answer for that. He just moved to the opposite bank, trying to pick out the best path upwards.
“Great plan, by the way,” Virgil went on. “Splitting up? Wish I’d thought of how it could have gone wrong. Oh. Wait.”
Roman flinched, his hands clenching. “Virgil—” His breath caught in his throat, and Roman checked himself, ducking his head. “Let’s just… focus on finding Logan and Patton.”
He could feel Virgil’s stare boring into the back of his head.
“Sure,” was the clipped response.
With that, things were right back to how they had been the past few weeks— uncomfortable and tense. The two of them drug themselves up out of the gully, then proceeded to walk in uneasy silence; calling out for Logan and Patton was out of the question, not with the bandits already looking for them. The woods around them seemed to reflect Roman’s sinking mood, with the forest growing more dreary and lifeless with every step they took.
It was, surprisingly, Virgil who finally broke the silence. “So… this is your space, right? Can’t you just—” Virgil snapped his fingers— “and we’re all back together? Or,” he asked, eyes narrowing, “does that not fit with your ‘storyline’?”
Roman did his absolute best not to react to Virgil’s pointed jab. Instead, he tried to answer Virgil’s first question. “…Yes, I can shape the imagination,” he explained, still keeping his eyes forward. “But, for something like this, I also have to surrender some control. I can’t just always… force an idea, or a story. It needs to be able to flow naturally.”
“…So even in your own realm, you’re useless. Good to know.”
Roman froze. The forest around them was still and silent and gray.
Then, slowly, he turned to face Virgil. “What?”
Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Did I stutter?”
Roman bristled, then snapped, “What the heck has gotten into you, Anxiety?”
He hadn’t meant to say it— in that moment of incredulous anger it slipped out. But before Roman even had the chance to regret his choice of words, Virgil’s lips curled, and his voice dripped with sarcasm. “Aww, look who’s busting out the old names— am I getting to you, Princey?”
“Well you’re certainly doing your best to act like a villain right now,” Roman shot back, guilt fading fast.
Virgil’s response took Roman entirely off guard. He just smirked, tapping the tip of his nose with one finger. “And he finally gets it.”
“Excuse you??” About a hundred questions immediately sprang to Roman’s mind, most of them some variation on, What the heck is that supposed to mean? It was at this point, however, that Roman realized the imagination was starting to warp around them; everywhere he looked, it grew darker, plants withered, the wind blew cold.
He understood with a start— it was responding to Virgil.
“What are you doing?” Roman wheeled back towards the other side. “Stop it!”
“Make me,” Virgil taunted. “Oh wait, you can’t, can you? You have to ‘surrender control’,” he said, making air quotes with his fingers.
At this point, Roman had had enough. Virgil had escalated from being rude to being outright confrontational, and if the other side wanted to play this game—
Roman caught himself again, and let out a short, hard exhalation.
…No.
If Virgil was trying to get a rise out of Roman, the creative side wasn’t going to give him any further satisfaction. He straightened his back, squared his shoulders, and turned pointedly away, intending to walk off and leave Virgil to his own devices.
Instead, Roman was forced to halt, almost tripping over his own feet to avoid walking straight into a wall of gnarled roots and vines full of thorns that erupted from the ground at his feet. He backpedaled, turning to search for another way around— only to find that he and Virgil were surrounded, hedged in on all sides, cutting the two of them off from everything else.
Roman recoiled, his head whipping back to Virgil, who just smiled. “What— how—” Roman realized then that the imagination wasn’t just responding to Virgil— the other side was actually manipulating it, in a way that no one except Roman should have been able to. “Virgil, what’s going on??”
“Virgil? I thought I was Anxiety.” Virgil tilted his head, expression filled with mock concern. “…Am I making you anxious, Roman?” Then Virgil’s eyes fell to where Roman’s hand had found its way to the hilt of the sword at his hip; his smirk twisted into a grin. “No… you’re scared.” The grin darkened, as did the air around them. “You should be.”
Roman felt like the world was spinning around him, and he couldn’t get his balance. “Are you… threatening me?” Once upon a time, Roman would have believed that in a heartbeat— but he would have been wrong, he told himself vehemently.
Wouldn’t he?
No, Virgil wasn’t like this. They got mad at each other, they fought sometimes, but Virgil wouldn’t go this far… But if he was still mad, why accept Roman’s invitation in the first place? Was it some kind of joke? Virgil’s way of getting back at him?
Roman clenched his eyes and shook his head. “Virgil, enough! I don’t understand how, or why you’re doing this, but we both know this isn’t you!”
Virgil snorted softly, still watching Roman with eyes full of dark amusement. “Funny. They both knew it wasn’t me, either.”
A chill ran up Roman’s spine. “…What?”
The smirk never left the other side’s face. “Out here, in the middle of the woods… it’s so easy to get turned around. Separated.” Virgil’s face scrunched up in fake concern. “I hate to think about what’d happen to Thomas if they got lost in here.”
Roman couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t believe what he was hearing—
“But, there’s nothing to worry about,” Virgil dismissed casually. “Not when you have friends you can trust…” He made direct eye contact with Roman, and smiled. “Right?”
Friend or no— that was the tipping point. With a flash of steel, Roman’s sword was free of its sheath. “What have you done to them?!” he demanded.
“Hm, I don’t know… what do you think?” Virgil gestured lazily, the dark aura around him growing, and suddenly Roman could hear yells of pain coming from beyond the thicket.
“Logan! Patton!”
Roman spun frantically— blast these damned thorns, he couldn’t get through to them!
Instead, he rounded again on the other side, desperate. “Virgil, stop! They’re your friends!” Virgil’s grin widened, and the sounds of pain turned to screams; Roman flinched, then advanced on Virgil, brandishing his blade. “Stop this, now!”
Virgil raised an arm surrounded by black energy, gesturing at Roman—
Roman reacted, swinging to intercept—
And for just a moment, Roman saw Virgil’s face twisted in fear, not a grin; the arm he had thrown up not crackling with dark magic, but protecting his face.
Roman’s sword sliced cleanly into Virgil’s left forearm.
The anxious side gasped for air. His face went white as a sheet. Then he crumpled, clutching at his arm— and the far-too-fast-growing bloodstain there.
And that was when the other sides found them. They ran to them, calling their names— Roman barely registered that there was no thicket separating them anymore, as Logan and Patton both drew up short, looking horrified; Patton immediately rushed to Virgil’s side.
Logan spun towards Roman. “What did you do?!”
Roman’s mouth hung open, eyes wide, unable to form words. Logan shoved past him, not waiting for an answer. The silence was filled by Virgil’s gasping breaths; he was starting to hyperventilate. Patton frantically tried to get Virgil to focus on him and slow his breathing.
Logan muttered, “He’s going into shock… We have to get him out of here so we can stitch that up.” He then rounded on Roman again, who recoiled at the fury on Logan’s face. “End this— take us back!”
Floundering for a moment, Roman tried to remember how to make his limbs work, how to make his mind work.
“Logan!” Patton’s desperate cry drew the attention of both the logical and creative sides.
Virgil’s breaths were getting choppier, and his head was starting to loll— and suddenly the world around them lurched and grew darker. They all came to the awful realization at the same time:
Thomas was having an anxiety attack.
Everything around them started to devolve into chaos— tremors shaking the earth, trees toppling and collapsing around them, lightning flashing as a building storm filled the sky.
“Take us back, now!” Logan yelled again. When Roman didn’t respond, he seized a fist full of his jacket and shouted, “Roman!” Roman flinched, but then made a curt gesture with his arm; the fantasy world dissolved around them, resolving into their own living room.
The sky outside was still dark except for flashes of lightning followed by rumbles of thunder that shook the house, while the wind howled and rattled the windows— not nearly as bad as the imagination, but Thomas’s mind was still in chaos.
Logan and Patton maneuvered Virgil onto the couch and stripped his hoodie off, totally occupied with trying to deal with his injury as quickly as they could, and hopefully stop Thomas’s panic attack.
Roman staggered back against the wall, trying to process. He attacked Virgil. He genuinely thought that Virgil had turned on them, that he was hurting the others… But the terror in Virgil’s face as Roman’s sword descended was burned into his memory— as was Logan’s look of cold fury.
Patton had one hand clamped over Virgil’s bare arm; he reached out to Logan with the other, taking the piece of gauze the logical side handed him. He placed it over the cut before quickly reapplying pressure— Roman could see, his hands were covered in blood.
In Virgil’s…
Roman sank out, retreating to his room. He barely managed to stumble to the door and lock himself in before he broke down crying, which turned to sobbing.
He sank to his knees. He buried his face in his arms, fingers pulling painfully at his hair, shuddering with each gasped breath.
He missed the footsteps crossing the marble floor until their owner was right in front of him.
“Oh, Roman… what did you do?”
Roman wasn’t quite able to look up, but Deceit’s voice was unmistakable. Roman still couldn’t bring himself to move as Deceit knelt next to him.
He slowly wrapped his arms around Roman’s shoulders. “Shhh,” Deceit soothed. “I’ve got you.” In his soft, flat tone, he insisted, “Don’t worry… it’ll all be okay.”
Hearing those words from Deceit, Roman began to tremble. His face screwed up— and then, he broke down completely. His body sagged, his strength leaving him, until he was held up only by Deceit’s iron grasp.
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Anime suggestions?
Asking a 42 year old lifelong anime dork for anime suggestions!?
Sorry that it’s taken me a little bit to address this. In the absence of specifics I decided to provide a recommendation of my old favorites as opposed to new releases. Of course then I realized I could write entire essays on each of my old favorites as a recommendation and started thinking about how to make a post like that. Then I decided to provide short recommendations for most of the old favorites and save the hard-sell for a single great freaking show. This in turn led me to end up re-watching large parts of said show because it’s just that freaking great. Also, if anyone reading this wants lengthy essays on why I love a certain series, ask away and I’ll write one up if I’m feeling productive one day!
Anyway!
If you’re looking for recently-aired stuff, you can go through my GIF tag to see what I’ve been watching for the past few seasons. Chances are if I’m making GIFs of something I also recommend watching it. The only recent show that I’d mention specifically as deserving more attention than it received is Made In Abyss. It’s a great little show. It’s also really dark, despite the cutesy character designs, so don’t be fooled. Also, if body horror is a trigger, stay the fuck away. The Abyss does bad bad things to people. Anyway, on to the old stuff ;)
Macross SeriesMacross is my all-time favorite ongoing setting. It’s one of the great pillars of the Real Robot genre. It’s stands apart from its peers by focusing more on the human side of conflicts, having an actual nuanced take on the role of the military, and just being very hopeful in general. There are several separate series that I recommend, thus I am grouping them together.
The Super-Dimension Fortress Macross (1982): The original. A true classic of anime. The animation is terribly dated at this point, but the story still holds up. Every time I remember that I first watched this within a year or two of it airing, I feel really old.
Do You Remember Love? (1984): A stunningly-animated movie version of the TV series. The story is slightly different, but close enough if you don’t want to put in the time to watch the TV series but want a better frame of reference on the sequels. It’s also one of the most technically impressive hand-animated movies put to film, so it’s worth a look.
Macross Plus (1994): Four episode OVA series set 30 years after the original. The focus is on the reunion of three former friends rather than the overarching events of the setting, so it can easily be watched without knowing anything about Macross. It’s also widely regarded as one of the best OVA series ever made. It launched the career of Yoko Kanno, among others.
Macross Frontier (2007): Takes place 47 years after the original on board one of Earth’s many outbound colony fleets. Like Macross Plus, the cast is original to the series, and the first 8 or so episodes begin with summaries of the history of the Macross setting, so it can be watched without watching the others…though you’ll miss a lot of references and a bit of the story nuance, but not enough to be unenjoyable.
Moving on from Macross!
Azumanga Daioh (2002): The original slice-of-life show. Cute girls doing cute things. You will cry when they graduate. Watch it.
Nadia of the Mysterious Seas (1990): High adventure in the 1800s! Very very loosely based on 2000 Leagues Under The Sea. This is the series that put Gainax on the map. It also has one of my favorite openings ever.
Aim For the Top! Gunbuster! (1988): While we’re talking about the glories of 80s-90s Gainax, let’s drop in on Gunbuster. A surprisingly-deep take on the Super Robot genre, featuring the most hot-blooded female pilots you’ll find anywhere, which is a huge selling point. If you ever wonder why Evangelion took off so quickly, it’s because it was sold to us as a TV series “by the people who did Gunbuster!”
Marmalade Boy (1994): For years this was my ‘warm blanket and dark chocolate’ anime. Whenever I was feeling down for reasons hormonal or otherwise I’d just start watching randomly from one of the 76 episodes. It’s just an animated soap opera. The main character, Miki, is stunned when her parents come back from a vacation and announce that they’re swapping partners with a couple they met in Hawaii. They all move into the same house together, and Miki meets the other couple’s son Yuu. Hijinks ensue. Nearly every episode ends on a cliffhanger or stunning revelation. It oozes melodrama from every frame of animation.
EDIT: I just walked out into the living room and told the wife what I was doing and mentioned that I recommended Marmalade Boy. Her response: “RUN MIKI! RUN FROM YOUR PROBLEMS!” and now I can’t stop laughing, because that’s exactly Miki’s response to everything bad that happens to her.
(I appear to be drifting closer to writing essays for them all, I’ll just add a couple more and move on)
Yamato 2199 (2012): A bit of a cheat, as this is fairly recent, but it’s a direct remake of the original 1970′s series that I watched as a kid…and it’s frankly better than the original.
Please Save My Earth (1993): Six-episode OVA series that covers the first half of the manga series by the same name. A girl named Alice begins having dreams of living in a hidden base on the moon. She encounters several other people who are dreaming the same thing. I used to hate one of the characters for what he did. Then I understood but still couldn’t forgive it. Finally, now, I think I can forgive him. It’s a series that makes you feel very strongly, but to explain is to spoil. One of Yoko Kanno’s first series as a composer.
His and Her Circumstances (1998): A romance buds between two people who hide their true selves behind a mask of normalcy. Will they still like each other once those masks are stripped away? A compelling romantic comedy from Gainax, and also one of the codifiers of the Gainax Ending, so the show kinda goes to shit in the second half, with three recap episodes and the animation devolving into stick figures, but the main plot is resolved long before then and despite all of this it remains a truly incredible series.
Okay, so, now we come to it. The hard sell.
If there is anything at all in this post that you watch, you absolutely MUST WATCH
GIANT ROBO: THE ANIMATIONThe Day The Earth Stood Still (1992)
I cannot possibly summarize the plot better than its own intro, so watch this:
The entire show is like that! Breathless exposition! Dashing heroics! Fearful villainy! And the entire thing done in a retro-60′s design aesthetic as an homage to the original creator of all the characters within, Mitsuteru Yokoyama. Top it off with a literally operatic soundtrack and you have the recipe for…well…maybe that’s hard to say? Why am I recommending a series about a kid who controls a giant robotic pharaoh?
The show looks absolutely ludicrous, and in many ways it is. The characters are over the top in a very old-school sort of way. You’ve got your obvious good guys, literally called the EXPERTS OF JUSTICE. You’ve got your obvious bad guys who constantly pledge themselves to the service of a guy named BIG FIRE. The heroes protect the new utopia that the world has become with the invention of a perfect power source. The bad guys seek to destroy that utopia and crush humanity beneath their heel. It’s all so cut-and-dry. Even the characterization of some of the villains as “noble monsters” and some of the heroes as “ends justifies the means” loose cannons doesn’t really give it much depth.
At first.
The show very quickly disabuses you of that notion as it delves into what it actually took to carve out a utopian existence from a humanity that is so frequently opposed to any such thing. It examines the motivations of the villains and finds them valid. It examines the motivations of the heroes and finds them wanting. It provides two questions that drive the emotional arc of the story and demands that the characters, and you the viewer, answer them.
Can happiness be achieved without sacrifice?
Can a new era be reached without misfortune?
As the sins of the past rise up to destroy the hope of the future, somehow the giant robot pharaoh stops seeming so ridiculous. The fact that everything looks like 1960′s guy-in-monster-suit action cinema only serves to contrast the actual depth of the characters and the series as a whole. To say more is to spoil, so I’ll not go into detailed analysis. Suffice it to say: The show looks silly, yet is really quite serious.
It also has one of the best finales of all time. I watched this series as it was released, and there was a three year wait between episode six and episode seven, and I can honestly say it was worth every second. Re-watching it just a few hours ago, my cheeks were wet with tears and stretched in a big grin at the same time. It’s probably the most satisfying end to a series I’ve seen.
So, there you have it. A whole bunch of old anime to watch. (WATCH GIANT ROBO)
If anyone reading this actually watches something based on my recommendation and enjoys it, please let me know. It’s always great to hear that a recommendation was well-received.
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Dear Diary - June
aka “Useless Lesbian Observes Other Useless Lesbians, Featuring Blake Belladonna, Who Is Both the Only Sane Woman And Too Much of a Gay Mess To Make Use of That”
June 1st- Dear Diary,
I know I said I outgrew you years ago, but I find myself in the unique position of being surrounded by idiots. Moreso than usual, at any rate. Yang- that brute from the boxing team- has become a dear enough friend to me since graduation that I decided to invite her to my birthday party earlier this year. Her sister, Ruby, has truly been the best friend I could’ve hoped for- barring a few... unfortunate incidents... that we swore to never speak of again- and I’d thought she’d come along as a plus one anyway, but the personal invitation seemed to be the better route and while I wasn’t disappointed by including her, it’s quickly devolved into a constant source of frustration for me. At the party, she met Winter, and they are quite possibly the gayest, most oblivious twits on the face of Remnant. I am positively suffering, Diary. I can only stand them dancing around each other for so long! Not to say they wouldn’t make a cute couple- Winter somehow appreciates Yang’s terrible sense of humor and Yang’s always been the supportive sort, and she doesn’t seem the least bit put off by Penny, something I can only take as a good sign- but I’m caught in the precarious situation of full well knowing they could be together but not being able to convey that effectively. Yang’s too hardheaded to do anything other than what she wants to, when she wants to, and Winter possesses the same aversion to ‘good natured advice’ as I do, so I’m forced to be subtle. Yet, the hints I’ve already tried dropping to both of them may as well have been given to a brick wall and a statue, respectively. I don’t think they’re intentionally being obtuse but I’m forced to wonder how metaphorically blind someone must be to miss the signs of attraction between them. How long until they drive me insane? Or until the sexual tension suffocates the rest of us? I’ll let you know, Diary.
p.s. I suppose I should mention this, if only to try to work it out for myself. For the past few months, I’ve been discussing the whole ridiculous issue with Blake. I know Ruby would rather not be privy to her sister’s romantic pursuits, even if she did make it known that she holds the same opinion as I do regarding a potential relationship between our sisters, so my options have been limited when it comes to frank, open discussion. But I’ve noticed she’s acting a bit... odd, recently. I mentioned that, were I Winter, I would absolutely consider Yang’s ‘friendly gift’ of a hand-picked flower bouquet- regardless of the excuse- a romantic overture. The next day, Blake showed me a collection of flowers she’d picked when Yang went and let me have them- a beautiful collection, I might add; she certainly has a tasteful eye for compositions. When I reminded her of my words the day before, she just... turned around and walked away. Quickly. I’m not quite sure what to make of it.
June 4th- Dear Diary,
I decided to be proactive. If Yang and Winter deign to continue dancing around each other, than I’ll simply have to coax the two of them together myself, now won’t I? Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done.
I thought it would be easiest to give them a comfortable, casual setting, so I cajoled Ruby and Blake into helping me organize a dinner of the sort Ruby and Yang recalled from their childhoods- a bar-bee-queue, though I’m not sure if that’s the proper spelling. While the food itself was delicious, the mingling portion attracted a few more people than I anticipated. First Jaune showed up, which I probably should’ve anticipated seeing as he remained close friends with Ruby, and he’d brought Pyrrha along. On its own, innocent enough, but I should’ve expected Yang’s penchant for showboating to turn a game of horseshoes into a competition and that Pyrrha would be too polite to decline, and one should never introduce a Schnee to something competitive and expect things not to escalate. Although I’ll admit it’s the most I’ve seen Winter smile in a long while- perhaps since she finalized Penny’s adoption- things quickly got out of hand when Nora and Ren showed up, mainly because of the former and not the latter. Long story made short: there were firecrackers involved, a debate on the proper ratios of gunpowder, the fire department eventually showed up, and we are never letting Ruby ‘prove a point’ in such a fashion again. Thankfully, Winter’s extensive research into first aid ended up being quite useful, though I still believe she’s being a touch paranoid in regards to Penny. She babies the young woman so very much- and much to the contrary of what’s been implied by others, I’m not, in the slightest bit, jealous that Penny’s being treated with kid gloves while Winter gave me more of a ‘tough love’ treatment; our situations are entirely different and we’ve come to terms with the difficulties of our pasts, and I honestly wouldn’t trade the bond we have now as sisters for anything in the world- but I suppose it does have its merits. And watching Yang’s absolutely lovestruck expression while Winter tended to everyone’s wounds, that dopey grin that makes her look like she’s just waking up after a surgery... I’ll admit, I’d rather like for someone to look at me like that. Not in public, perhaps, because she probably should have paid more attention to the firefighter asking her questions, but I’m quite certain Yang would worship Winter if given the chance, and I am trying very hard to ignore the double entendre, dust damnit, I’ve been hanging out with that buffoon too long.
What I mean is, I know Yang would be good for Winter, and Winter’s come so very far in showing open affection since she became Penny’s guardian. I just don’t know how to make them see that. It was positively comical watching them amid the chaos- every time Yang would be wearing that dopey grin, Winter would be entirely focused on the task at hand, while whenever Winter anxiously looked her way, Yang would be trying to cheer up Pyrrha or Jaune- which reminds me, I should check in with them, they seemed a bit shaken up after the explosion- or joking with the firefighters, and watching the relief and softness that came to her expression...
For all our difficulties in the past, I love my sister deeply, and I am resolute in helping her get together with Yang. I truly believe they could be the exact sort of supportive partner the other needs. Now, if they’d only stop being oblivious idiots and assist me, that’d be swell.
Also... well, I didn’t get a chance to mention this during the party itself due to all the excitement but... Blake wore this stunning summer dress and earrings in both sets of ears and I am once again awestruck by both her inherent beauty and her knack for bringing it out in such a subtle way. If I hadn’t been so focused on watching Yang and Winter, I’d probably have found it difficult to look away from her. If there is a bright side to this whole mess, it’s that I’m getting to spend more time with Blake. I’m rather peeved at myself for not doing so before; she’d absolutely delightful company- witty and reserved but passionate and dedicated. I think I should invite her to the mall the next time I go; I’d love to have her opinion on a dress for the gala in a few months.
And hasn’t that given me an idea.
June 13th- Dear Diary,
So far, my attempts to convince Winter to ask Yang to the gala have been met with reactions varying from stammered excuses to outright refusals. Apparently, Winter’s of the mind that Yang would absolutely detest such a stuffy affair, and while I don’t think she’s wrong, I also know that Yang is a woman of many skills, and blending in when she wants to happens to be one of them. However, all my efforts on that front have been met with limited success, so I’m forced to try cajoling Yang into giving her opinion on the matter without being quite so obvious in setting her up to do so. Thankfully, Blake’s been a true friend and brought it up during our game session the other night. Oh, she tried avoiding the question at first, but very quickly, Yang stopped dancing around and said that she’d always wanted to go to a ‘fancy party’ but lacked the funds for an appropriately stylish gown. She expressed a sincere concern that her concept of ‘fancy’ and the standard fare for the gala were worlds apart but, other than that, seemed rather interested in attending- which is more than I can say for either of us who are invited.
Well, if there’s one thing the past few years have taught me, it’s that good friends can’t be bought, but money can make the lives of good friends much better. Naturally, when Winter brought up going shopping this weekend for our outfits, I invited along Yang and Blake as well. The four of us doing a little bonding and shopping, what could go wrong? Winter perhaps saw through my attempt at feigning nonchalance with the suggestion, but agreed all the same. Even if she won’t admit it, I think my suggestion is taking root.
I will keep you updated, Diary. Right now, I think it’s the only thing preserving my senses. Oh, and I’m rather looking forward to what sort of attire Blake might opt to wear. I floated the idea that I can’t possibly keep tabs on both Winter and Yang throughout the night alone and asked if she would mind accompanying me. She responded to the idea positively, and I’m glad Yang as such a stalwart friend to look out for her. Maidens know she needs a few, with the way she carries on. I think I might start keeping a closer eye on her; with a friend like Yang, she’s bound to need someone to lean on herself from time to time, and while I have no doubts as to Yang’s abilities to look out for her best friend, I’m sure Blake could always use a little extra support. And, really, she deserves it. Our outing to the mall turned out rather nice; perhaps she’d like to join me for a run through the park one of these mornings? I realize she’s not as interested in maintaining the rigorous fitness regimen she’d kept while a member of the track and field team, but a little job in the morning isn’t too much, right? Considering her figure, I’m sure she’s still athletic enough for it.
I feel like I should at least make the offer and hope for the best.
June 17th- Dear Diary,
On the one hand, success. It took only one look at Yang in a beautiful white gown that accentuated her figure while remaining modest- so much like the one she wore to the Spring Formal during our Sophomore year at college- and Winter could hardly form words. I’ve never seen my sister so gobsmacked in twenty two years of being on this planet. Some part of me is absolutely ecstatic; when I suggested Yang attend the gala with Winter, no one objected. Winter just nodded, as if the power of speech eluded her completely, and I’d be willing to wager Yang had a similar reaction to Winter’s choice of a white tuxedo with blue accents, even if I personally find it a bit... cliche, at least when it comes to Winter. She never did take a liking to dresses, for some reason. Anyway, Yang’s eyes positively lit up, but she retained the power of speech rather effortlessly. She’s always been the resilient one, bouncing back from even the hardest hit.
On the other hand, I... believe I may have miscalculated on something. Blake looked absolutely gorgeous in her selected gown- purples and blacks that made her amber eyes pop out like freshly polished gemstones- but she seemed almost shy when I said as much. I’m concerned; being around Blake is so easy, effortless even- it’s not like Ruby’s high energy or Yang’s sustained exposure, or even Winter’s strong insistence or Penny’s genuinely clueless demeanor. I’m not sure if her sudden shift to being more distant is a sign that my company is unwanted- the very thought puts a pain in my chest, to be frank- or if there’s something else. Perhaps she’s self conscious? It was just a few years ago when we were... less than cordial with each other, and now she’ll be hopefully attending the gala with me to help get Winter and Yang together. It might put her in an awkward position.
I’ll simply have to ensure there’s no lingering discomfort.
6 - 20
Okay. So, like, I haven’t done this in a while- like, a LONG time- but I remember it used to help me figure things out when I was younger, kinda like a to-do list for processing the things I could barely understand after Mom died. I think some therapist suggested it to me, I dunno- not the point.
What IS the point? Straight up: I am falling faster than a sky diving elephant with a tungsten parachute and I have no clue what to do.
I guess I could go back to the beginning, just real quick, because maybe mapping it out will show me what to do next, like, as if I could just draw out a time line and figure out when would be a good time to make the next move- provided I even COULD to begin with, because I’ve been a mess recently, lemme tell ya.
Anyway, so this chick, Weiss- great gal, a bit uppity at the start but that’s mostly passed, a real sweetheart once you get past the frosty exterior- invited Rubes and me over to her birthday party. I figured no big, bring a gift, eat some cake, try not to get kicked out, the usual when it comes to dealing with people who’ve yet to embrace the sacred art of The Pun.
Well, there I was, minding my own business, when I turn and come face-to-face with Weiss’ sister, Winter. She’s mentioned her before- taller, more severe, more exacting, the product of too high expectations and military training pushing her to the limits and her somehow not breaking but coming out jagged and jaded, all in all a rough sounding customer- but this is the NEW and IMPROVED Winter, after they’d reconciled and started fresh, and I’m just. I’m still not over it. I’ve almost steamrolled people before on accident- that’s what happens when ‘each muscle group has its own zip code’ as Blakey puts it- but I bumped into her and almost stumbled myself! Apparently, she’s been keeping up with the military physical regimen now that she’s out. So of course, my next thought is ‘this chick’s gonna deck me’ and I swear I saw it flash in her eyes, but then she just smiles that little Schnee smile, and apologizes- can you believe that! Straight up said the word ‘sorry’ like it was nothing! Geez, hard enough to get Weiss to say that, must run in the family (though, I should give the little frosty some credit, she’s gotten A LOT better since she started hanging out with us).
Well, anyway, I figure I should be polite, yeah? So, we start talking, and she mentions her daughter- she said ‘ward’ is a better term, but after I asked her if that meant she was secretly Batman, she laughed and agreed the word sounded a bit ridiculous out loud.
And, yeah, her laugh? It sounds R I D I C U L O U S. I swear, it’s like she’s so unused to actually LAUGHING that she hasn’t figured out how it’s supposed to sound. Ah, that probably sounds mean, but it’s not really a bad thing! Listening to how her laugh changed, became more natural as I kept telling jokes- honestly, I’m digging it!
So, anyway, I mention how I basically raised Ruby, and the convo started gettin... kinda heavy I guess? We started talking about regrets and stuff- things we wish we’d done differently, how proud we are that our sisters turned out so good after the hell they were put through. I get the feeling Winter blames herself for a lot of it and well... yeah, I can see that, but I can also see she’s trying to do better with Penny. Gave her some tips, told her to not lose faith in herself.
Look, I know it’s not much, but when she looked me dead in the eye and said she appreciated my advice, that it sounded smart and heartfelt? It got me. It’s been a while since someone didn’t take a look at either the muscles or the hair and assume I’ve got less between my ears than there is water in a Vacuon desert. Hell, even BLAKE gave me shit when I tried giving her advice, and she’s my best friend!
Anyway, that’s all a few months ago, and between then and now, I think I’ve gotten a pretty good read on Winter. She’s still trying to figure out how to be supportive without being abrasive and while she’s not super crazy about being called out on it, I think I’ve figured out how to do it without ticking her off. It’s worked a few times, anyway, and it made me feel good that I could help her out, like a friend would.
But, ya know, I’m also thinkin... maybe we could be more than friends? She’s smart, she’s strong, she’s dedicated almost to the point of being self destructive, and while she’s got some rougher areas, she’s genuinely trying to be a better person- for Weiss’ sake and Penny’s. I noticed she’s hugging both of them more than she used to, anyway, but that also might have something to do with a... kinda... near death experience that I had no part in whatsoever, nope, I did NOT start that. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
Maybe it’s just my ego getting into it a bit but... I dunno. I mean, part of any relationship is growing together, while also growing as individuals, and everyone I’ve been with in the past romantically I’ve left in the dust. With Winter it’s like... yeah, she’s ahead of me in some ways, but way behind in others- she does know her way around an engine, though, lemme tell ya- and it’s a nice change. Because there’s things I can teach her and there’s things she’s teaching me, like how changing my posture helps improve my mood and stuff. She says half the work is mental but I dunno, I think she’s onto something.
Geez, now I’m even more confused. I mean, she laughs at my jokes, like REALLY laughs, and she doesn’t act like I’ve got some sort of reputation to live up to or stereotype to abide. I can just be ME and she seems to really like ME. But she doesn’t sugar coat ANYTHING; she definitely isn’t the type to beat around the bush. I’ve gotten so used to people just avoiding the bad spots in my past- I mention my bio mom abandoned me as a baby, and they stop mentioning moms altogether, even though I had a GREAT mom for a long time! It’s just little stuff like that- but Winter’s not the type of person to avoid the parts that hurt. When I started going off at the BBQ about finally getting a hint about Raven, she listened and encouraged me- cautioned me, too, because it’s been over twenty years and I get it, it’s not like I’m expecting a happy ending- but ya know. I can’t even get Dad to talk about her, and Ruby never knew her, and Qrow’s too drunk to speak any language more than half the time so... having someone to just talk to about the things that bother me who isn’t going to try and turn it around or something... it meant a lot.
But also, like... have I mentioned she’s drop dead gorgeous? Because she is. For whatever reason, Weiss invited me and Blakey on a shopping trip, looking at fancy dresses for this big party they have coming up, and I thought, ya know. I look good, I know it, so might as well try and hedge my bets, yeah? Picked out a nice dress- that I wouldn’t be able to afford if it wasn’t for Weiss spotting me the money, gotta figure out how to pay her back, I’d almost forgotten that part- and, yeah, I rocked it.
But Winter. Holy- there’s no words. I never really thought about it before but I have a weakness to women in suits, I’ve suddenly discovered, because my knees went WEAK. Like.
Yeah, so writing this out isn’t doing me ANY good, obviously, because I can’t even figure out HOW TO WORD right now just remembering it. I just.
Winter ticks a lot of boxes for me. Blake says that’s an awful way to put it, like people are just a series of traits that can be easily put in boxes rather than a complex series of emotions and tendencies, but there’s no better way to put it! She’s not perfect by any means but I’m starting to see the woman beneath the rough exterior- it’s just like how Weiss took some time to open up and not be a total brat.
And I really wanna be there to see it, up close.
I dunno. It’s probably me getting ahead of myself- wouldn’t be the first time- and I should cool my jets. From what Weiss has said, she’s still adjusting to life outside the military and they’re both getting used to freedom away from their family. Maybe I’m just excited- I love meeting new people, and Winter’s definitely a character in her own right, and Penny’s absolutely adorable, I think she hit it off with Ruby and they’re, like, best friends now.
I guess I’ll see where things go. I mean. I like her, but it’s only been a few months, so maybe this crush is entirely superficial and it’ll die out.
Oh, but I am going to the fancy party with her! I guess bringing someone along is a pretty big deal and it’d be a shame not to wear this dress somewhere. Probably won’t ever have a chance again.
Not sure I can curtsy in those heels, though. I think I’ll practice that and just get through the party, then worry about the rest. Think I’ll go pick some wildflowers for her again; she really seemed to like that.
Maybe there’s some merit to this ‘writing shit down’ thing after all.
20170623
Some part of me vehemently disagrees with the notion of recording my thoughts and feelings anywhere they might be found but I find myself at an impasse. Traditionally, if I encountered a problem, I would construct a sand table with whatever materials were available to me and work things out from there, but this isn’t the sort of problem that can be flanked or out maneuvered. I can at least take comfort in knowing that Penny won’t stumble onto this, so long as I keep it in my desk.
It’s been just over a year since I left the military service. Reintegration to civilian life has been... bumpy to say the least but progress is being made. I have a decent job, I have means of transport, and I make enough to support myself and Penny comfortably. By all accounts, I’m doing rather well and even James agrees. I certainly wouldn’t be this stable had I remained in the rotation, so leaving has proven to be the best solution to fit my needs.
However, I know there’s a long way to go in many respects. Weiss and I have begun repairing our relationship but I feel like there’s much more work to be done, especially after seeing the way she puts a mask on when Penny’s around. It hurts, knowing that my past transgressions will likely forever haunt me, but I can do little to change the past. Recent months have been better- Weiss has taken rather well to being called ‘Aunt’ and I think she’s just as ecstatic as I am regarding Penny’s development. She’s improved by leaps and bounds in several areas, such as conversation and picking up on social cues. How she survived for so long cut off from civilization is a mystery we may never be able to solve but I’m glad she has a home now. It’s given me a clear goal to focus on and has made the transition smoother.
Of course, trying to forge this new family dynamic isn’t the only source of... mixed results in my life post separation. Sometimes, I feel far too young to be raising a nineteen year old while simultaneously being too old to date casually. At twenty six, I realize I should probably be looking for a long term partner; the chance to ‘party’ and ‘sow my oats’ never interested me, so I let it pass me by. Unfortunately, this has left me rather... unprepared for finding long term companionship.
Upon reflection, perhaps the fact I’m calling it ‘long term companionship’ is a sign I might be... skirting the issue.
I want a girlfriend. There. That’s as direct as I can be.
I sound like a child.
It never came up while I served. It would be impractical to maintain a long term commitment with someone I’d hardly see. Dating within the ranks never worked out well for anyone- with the few exceptions, but even they had their tribulations to overcome. Any dates I went on prior to my tenure were borne of social obligation and nothing I, personally, wanted to do.
So the question becomes... where do I begin?
I’m tempted to default to what I know- it’s a goal to strive towards, which means it fits the definition of a mission, and I know how to accomplish those- but Yang’s encouraged me to step away from that mindset. The advice is sound but actually applying it... I’m not so sure.
Yang’s probably the only reason I’m entertaining any of this, truly. A friend of Weiss’ from university- we met earlier this year and she’s... been on my mind more and more as time wears on, truth be told. Lurking behind a brash personality is a very tender soul and I find myself drawn to how effortlessly she pours compliments and support to those she cares about, how quick she is to help even strangers, and how she’s a constant source of joy- even of the exasperated sort, though I can tell Weiss is more fond of her antics than she lets on- but I also see something beneath that. She acts unafraid yet there is fear; she acts strong enough to take on the world yet there is weakness; she puts on a mask but it’s for the benefit of others and not to protect herself. She gives gifts freely- she gives so much freely. It’s something I greatly admire.
Weiss has tried encouraging me recently to... get to know Yang better by inviting her to the upcoming gala. While the idea itself sounds amusing I’d hate to burden Yang with the dull pageantry of ‘high society’- a clever way of describing those with their heads buried up their ass.
Penny, if by some chance you find this, never repeat that last word. Never repeat any of this, in fact, and come find me right away. You know you aren’t supposed to go through my desk.
At any rate, Yang agreed to go, for no better reason than to show off her beautiful gown, and I must say, I never put much stock in fictional descriptions of love interests before. The way authors like to wax poetic about a prospective match for the protagonist- I found them laughable.
But I would be lying if I said I didn’t lose my breath when I saw her.
I find myself at a loss. Yang seems like the sort of person to have her choice of partner; all she has to do is look. Yet, she’s single, so there must be a reason. I’m not sure if I’m considered a close enough friend to inquire but she seemed rather insistent about not having a girlfriend or a boyfriend during the... barb EQ? I’m admittedly unsure how that’s spelled but whatever that gathering was... it brought to light a few things about Yang that make me at once more sure I would rather like getting to know her in a romantic sense and even more hesitant. She speaks of traveling to find her mother but I have a duty to stay here and help Penny through school; Ruby’s been a blessing in many ways and it’s good to see Penny with a friend her own age but, still. I think it would be good for Yang to get that closure but I’d be worried about her going alone.
I’m getting ahead of myself. I probably shouldn’t be acting as if a relationship is even viable without talking to Yang first, and doing that presents a number of issues itself.
My wrist is beginning to cramp and I’ve come no closer to figuring out where I stand. I like Yang and I enjoy her company but I’m not sure if things between us will or even can develop nor how to go about nudging them along.
I am, still, at an impasse.
June 30, 2017
I guess part of the appeal when it comes to blogging is the anonymity inherent in the design. Yet, it’s a double edged blade, because it wouldn’t take someone who knows me exceptionally well to put two and two together. Still, enough of you lovely readers seem invested in the real life soap opera that my personal life is turning into to warrant an explanation for my sporadic shouts into the void, so... here it is. More under the cut.
I mentioned how I’ve been getting closer to Princess these last few months. If you’re just tuning in to the drama, she’s the one I mentioned in my author’s note for Ninjas of Love: My Katana and how we’d... well, not started off great, but had significantly improved our relationship by the time I graduated. An enemies to friends sort of arrangement. Recently, it’s become... more than that. I knew she had her hang-ups and her issues- don’t we all?- but now it’s almost like she’s a completely different person- or rather, she’s finally the person she’s always wanted to be. She’s not being held back by outdated ideals and terrible misunderstandings of the world...
... but she’s a meddler.
You think I’m kidding but I’m not; she meddles. Her heart’s in the right place but there’s only so much that can be done about some things. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force the horse to drink, as the saying goes, but she possesses the sort of will to make me sincerely doubt that age old wisdom.
Anyway, the whole issue is with Princess’ sister- hmmm, I’ll call her... Ice, I guess- and Dragon, my roommate from college. (Actually, we’re switching pseudonyms. Dragon is Fire now, for thematic appropriateness.) Princess is convinced that Ice and Fire would make a cute couple and, honestly, I agree. They’ve got the sort of dynamic that compliments the other’s faults really well- one’s an ex-military hardass trying to be less of a bitch and the other’s a grown-up-too-fast mom friend with a mischievous side who won’t let others take care of her- and they’ve got that aesthetic appeal, too. One’s tall and lean muscle, subtle and stern, while the other’s shorter and built like a tank, all vibrant smiles. So, yes, I admit, this is one of those times when Fire and Ice go rather well together.
However. There are limits in what I’m willing to do for friends.
It started at Princess’ birthday when these two dolts- her terminology, though I can’t fault its application in this particular situation- met and hit it off, apparently. I was... distracted at the time, a bit too anxious about whether or not she’d like my gift (she did) but she noticed. Ever since, it’s nearly all she can talk about.
Which... okay, I get it. Princess and Ice might be sisters, but they had a pretty rocky relationship growing up. It’s not my place to unpack someone else’s baggage, but we’ve talked about it before. I know they’re trying to make amends and be better going forward, and they’re doing a pretty good job on most fronts. Princess just wants to see her sister happy.
But it feels like, recently... she’s kinda oblivious to everything else around her because of it? She gets that way sometimes- so focused on a certain task that the rest of the world falls away and I... absolutely love it. I really didn’t realize it until last month, but being the one she talks to about the whole thing... if she wasn’t so utterly oblivious when she gets like this, I’m pretty sure she would’ve caught me staring at her like a lovestruck fool. Which, while it sounds great in fiction and is something I tend to use... real life isn’t as forgiving. There’s no summary and “angst with a happy ending” tagged on it; it’s a gamble. Considering we’ve just reached a point where we’re on pretty good terms, I’m hesitant to put that in jeopardy already for the sake of sating my curiosity.
I thought maybe creating a little distance would help. It would suck but it might help me figure out if I’m just seeing things; a few attractive traits don’t necessarily make for a good relationship.
Of course, that didn’t... quite pan out like I’d hoped. I mean, I can’t cut contact entirely- both because it’s completely uncalled for and because I don’t want to- so we’ve still talked and seen each other since. I went to a barbecue where Princess tried yet again to get Ice and Fire on the same page- failed in that respect but, on the upside, I now know who to never trust around holidays with small children- and she’s... just something else. She shouldn’t look so pretty in summer- she’s more of a colder seasons person if ever there was one- but she wore a tank top that showed off her collarbone and shoulders and I might be much thirstier than I previously thought because I’m definitely blushing just thinking about it.
And it’s not like I haven’t tried hinting at us getting together. I tried giving her a bouquet of flowers (something she told me she would take as a romantic gesture!) and all I got was confusion in response. Not... negative, entirely, though I didn’t stick around to find out too much how that reaction went, but it wasn’t met with a smile and a kiss and a ‘yes, I’d love to go out with you’, so not exactly encouraging.
But somehow (and I swear, I’m still trying to connect the dots on how) I’m going to be her date for a party. Not “date” as in “person I am actively seeing”, though, more like “accomplice” because I’m pretty sure she only invited me to help her spy on Ice and Fire, who will also be going.
I just... I want to support her. She’s been there for me in ways I never would’ve expected. I feel like we’ve grown- both as people and closer to each other- since those... well, admittedly terrible first impressions we had of each other. And while I want to know how things can continue to develop, I worry about losing such a good friend.
On top of that, I’m dealing with Fire talking my ear off about Ice. They might be sisters but Ice and Princess are two very different women, yet they share just enough in common that listening to Fire gush... I keep wanting to agree or disagree, but I’m keeping my mouth shut for now, and it hurts not to talk to my best friend about this, but she’s... well. She’s over the moon for Ice- she tries to play it off like it’s just a crush, but it’s clearly not- and I don’t want to detract from that. Fire’s the sort that, if I told her I have a crush, too, she’ll completely drop everything to help me get together with Princess. I love her like a sister, but sometimes it’s hard to get her to focus on her own problems instead of everyone else’s.
So, yeah, I’m kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place, and while that’s a situation I’ve written as being rather nice in certain circumstances, living it is hell and I want off this ride, pronto.
I’m probably going to be sporadic the next few weeks until this party. I don’t know why but something in my brain keeps saying ‘learn to dance! Fancy dance! Then ask her to dance!’ and it’s not being cooperative on why that’s an obviously dumb idea.
On the upside, Fire (somehow???) knows ballroom dancing, so we’re going to practice. Maybe one of us can get a happy ending in this mess.
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So I just finished The Adventure Zone: The Balance Arc
This will likely just devolve to spoilers, so fair warning there.
I first heard of it here, on Tumblr, and I was astounded. Every piece of fanart, animatic, and think piece on the plot, spoke to a deep love and adoration, not only on the fandom’s part, but from the McElroys as well. I can’t remember what finally tipped a, “I should get around to that someday,” to, “I will gleefully listen to these four idiots for roughly four days of content,” but I’m so glad it happened. There are certain things I wished weren’t spoiled for me, but that’s the nature of the beast.
I started listening after the story was complete, and I honestly can’t imagine the stress that would have come from listening to it piecemeal. I called each arc my favorite as I listened to them, because they literally just kept getting better. The ingenuity, creativity, and just plain fun that went into every plot point, it all honestly inspires me to be a better DM and storyteller. I was hooked on the story from the first static Tres Horny Boys heard, and there were times I couldn't believe what I was hearing, because it was just so good. When Griffin got in his stride, his settings grew so vivid, I regularly caught myself staring at a wall unblinkingly, because my mind’s perspective was following his words.
Here There be Gerblins was the perfect beginning to this story, absolutely hilarious, with a taste of the scope of the campaign. Moonlighting built further on the scope, while introducing two of the greatest things of the series. The Voidfish, and the Fantasy Costco, both of which I can only call inspired, in their own ways. Petals to the Metal was the first real emotional arc, and man did it deliver. Sloane and Hurley quickly became some of my favorite NPCs of the series. The Crystal Kingdom was... So good. So much. And just, so brilliant and beautiful. The Eleventh Hour was truly indescribable. Isaac’s Journal is a masterpiece, every NPC felt so alive and thriving, and the entire arc was not only satisfying, it was truly fascinating. Many things were spoiled for me going into this, but my jaw dropped the second Magnus realized there was a second Voidfish. The Suffering Game was some of the best roleplaying I have ever heard, hands down.
But my heart truly began to break during The Stolen Century. Each cycle was so ingenious, and so unique. And seeing these friends, true friends, grow, learn, and love, and die again and again, just so the others can live, it was truly beautiful. And I could make an entire other post about Jon. His motivations, his worldview, the vast extreme of destruction by nihilism, and how he was literally and figuratively torn apart by his own hands. I teared up with The Trial Cycle. Griffin’s description of Lucretia’s tribulations, and the affect that year had on her entire character, how this meek chronicler grew to be Madam Director... I felt proud, and also sad. Sad that she spent so long alone, and her time there pushed her farther away in the years to come, but immeasurably proud that despite all odds, despite being the most perilous cycle of their journey, Lucretia rose above.
And then the finale. The ending of this story was incredibly bittersweet. On the one hand, I am sad to see these characters leave, because they have given me so much joy. On the other hand, I literally cannot think of a better way to end their story. The character progression of the Seven Birds is some of the greatest I have ever seen.
Taako, who went from a stoned loner, to a tragically broken hero, to someone happy, loved, and whole. He voiced to Kravitz that he feared that no one else would have him, and he grew to be loved by literally everyone.
Lup, who despite having the least screentime of the Seven Birds, is one of my favorite NPCs, who shared one of the greatest love stories I’ve ever heard with Barry Bluejeans.
Barry, who started as a forgettable NPC with a joke name, and grew to save everyone. His love for Lup drove him to death and rebirth so many times, all in the hope that his path would lead him to her. If it weren’t for Barry, The Hunger would have won, simple as that.
Magnus, who I’d honestly say is my favorite character. Magnus began as a hotheaded fighter with no regard to his own safety, unleashed one of the most tragic backstories in the series, and grew into a multifaceted, kind, loving, protector.
Lucretia, who is one of the most interesting characters in the show. Her arc truly began in the Trial Cycle, where she faced indomitable adversity, unparalleled loneliness, and rose above it. Her motivations, while ultimately made in love, broke their found family, and would have likely lead to a Pyrrhic victory at best. Despite this, her found family found her again, and saved her from this wretched fate, and she truly saved them all.
Merle, such a kind and gentle man, who faced death more than any of them. More than anyone, Merle was a fuckup. A father who ran out on his family, a cleric who couldn’t properly heal his friends, and a man constantly unsure about whether or not his friends merely tolerated his existence. And he grew. It’s not even a, “but,” he never denied those parts of him, even during the Trial. He was a fuckup, and he grew to be the most selfless, loving, forgiving member of the Seven Birds, who became the hero of his children.
Davenport, to me, is the most heartbreaking of the Seven Birds. A pilot whose sole desire and identity was to explore, and see the cosmos unfold around him. A man so dedicated to keeping his family safe, he spent every day thinking of them. The man whose memories were the most linked to the Stolen Century, who probably had the most character growth apart from Lucretia herself. Early on, I laughed at the character choice of having Davenport only say his name. Now, I see it as a tormented cry for help, and it breaks my heart. But even still, he too got his happy ending. A true explorer, he took to the seas, and it warms my heart.
I rarely cry, especially when media is concerned. I recognize when something is sad, when something is heartbreakingly so, but the very idea of crying in a theater is unknown to me, same as to a song. And normally, I would extend that to podcasts. But Griffin proved me wrong with one question.
“How does Magnus die?”
It stunned me. And as it drew on, as the scene was painted around his deathbed, family and friends gathered at his side, holding his wife’s ring in his hand, I felt tears roll down my face. Everything was so sweet, and sad, and perfect for a peaceful death. And then Kravitz took him to the Astral Plane, where that cottage waited for him. The dogs almost got me, I almost lost control there. But then Julia walked out. Their reunion, their love stitched delicately into every syllable they were saying, it was just too much. I had to fight back sobs just so that I didn’t worry my cousin in the other room, and have to pause such a beautiful ending to explain it to him. As they walked into the cottage, as Magnus began regaling her with this impossible story, the words of the Temporal Chalice, Magnus’ own Relic, sprang to mind, just with a slightly different meaning.
“You worked so hard for this. This is the happy ending you earned.”
This story is now incredibly dear to my heart. A tale of love, loss, pain, and heartache, ended with laughter, dancing, loving, and an entire world staring at the apocalypse and refusing to die. A story about the preciousness of life, and just how much is lost when one gives up their will to live. A moral tale about how any quest to rise above life, and the pain it brings, simply makes you lose everything you’re fighting for. A series about a found family, who argue, hurt each other, and break so much between them all, but grow together, forgive each other, and mend all that was broken. But most importantly, The Adventure Zone is the story of four idiots, who played Dungeons and Dragons so hard, they made all of us cry.
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In honor of the year of the dog please talk my ear off about Shigure and his character and development (or lack thereof) and all the ways he's horrible but you love him? :3
It’s finally done!! Thanks for the patience, Nonny, and I hope you enjoy! (Okie dokie not only is this super long, but it kinda has general spoilers about the ending of the series, so read at your own discretion lol)
Ooooh my gosh, where do I even start with him…? Alrighty, so in the beginning of the series, Shigure is painted as a very 1-dimensional character, which I believe is done intentionally. He’s supposed to come off as a goofy person who doesn’t really take things seriously because that is how he likes to be seen. From the beginning, Shigure laughs openly at just about anything and anyone, like when it was discovered that Tohru had been living in a tent because she didn’t want to inconvenience her friends or family (which any sane person would know is not actually funny, Shi-gu-re). Right off the bat, there, we notice something just a bit off with his character. Laughing at someone who’s living in a tent to their face, even is not only rude, it’s cold. He disregards this as being important because the fact that some girl is living in a tent aaaall alone has nothing to do with him. That is, until he decides to let Tohru stay in his home—and why does he do this? Because she was willing to be his housekeeper; to do the dirty work that he didn’t want to do (this also applies to the fact that he’s trying to break the curse, but more on that later).
In contrast to his goofy, “only in it for the laughs” persona he keeps going, we also know he is incredibly wise. He gives some top-notch advice to Kyo when he’s struggling with the idea of someone accepting him. Okay, no, scratch that. It’s not top-notch advice. It is ingenious, perfectly-tailored advice. Now, I hear you. “Alright, Holly, and why is that?” Why? Why??? Because this man knows his audience. He takes this problem Kyo is facing regarding being social and awkward, and draws a connection between it and martial arts—the one thing that holds Kyo’s attention better than anything. Instead of saying, “Yeah, practice talking to people and you’ll get better” he tells him, “…as a martial artist, you have the strength to break the table with your fist. But you also have the self-control to stop your fist right before it hits the table. You weren’t born with that control, were you? You had to refine it. It’s the same as interacting with people.” Like…bravo, man. His point gets across perfectly and the impatient, hotheaded Kyo sits and listens. Time and time again, he does this exact thing with so many characters I actually have lost track. My point being, not only is he extremely wise, he’s able to choose his words carefully so that they have just the right effect on the other party. He is able to quickly and accurately ascertain what it is that other characters need to hear and what they respond best to, and he goes straight on with that.
Aight, now let’s rehash what I’ve said thus far. Shigure has a flippant attitude regarding the well-being of others, will do what benefits himself, and has carefully crafted his wordsmithing to get others to do something. Ergo, this man is a freaking skillful and competent master manipulator. Now, I know “manipulator” sounds a bit harsh, however if you look up the actual definition of the word (“a person who controls or influences others in a clever or unscrupulous way”) you find that the word is a freaking p e r f e c t description of what he does.
In some instances throughout the series, we find that Shigure can, and does, actually use his excellent powers of manipulation for good. He gets Kyo to stop being a butt multiple times, Yuki to actually open up to others, Tohru to kinda just chill about life in general, and so, so many others to let go of what’s bothering them and move on. He changes their focus on the overwhelming to something smaller and more manageable. As much good as he does for others, however, I think there has always been some sort of silver-lining in his actions. All those that he helps to move past their troubles have helped him move closer to his own goal of separating everyone else from Akito and, eventually, breaking the curse. Without the curse, Akito has no one else to depend on and he can finally show this warped individual that he is always going to be there through thick and thin. Twisted, yes, but so is Akito so I guess they kinda work(?) Anywho, these twisted, complex emotions and behaviors become far more apparent as the series progresses and are glaringly obvious in the end. When I read the series all the way through the first time, I felt betrayed by his character. How could he be so awful??? It felt so sudden and completely out-of-character.
But, you see, I don’t think it’s really a matter of character development or otherwise. The traits were all there in the beginning—he was just better at masking it then. As we learned more in the story, we saw more of the dark side of those traits and perhaps that made it feel as though his character devolved in some way, but that is not the case at all. He’s always been like this and I find that absolutely fascinating. He’s such a complex and well-written character. This is why, no matter how mad he makes me in the end, I can’t hate his character. He is so indelibly human that I can’t, no matter what, hate his character—and I think that that is beautiful.
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Authentically Me
I also have a passion that's ingrained in me since youth.
The forests and the mountains of the Pacific Northwest
You speak of authenticity, and insist that being "authentically yourself" is what you absolutely have to do.
Violin and music and performance and band is THE most important thing to you in order for you to achieve wholeness or happiness or contentment in life...and authenticity.
So...most simply put; I need to achieve that authenticity and wholeness also, and the Pacific Northwest is where I have to be in order to be my authentic self.
Sad as I may feel about it (and as much as I've tried to delude myself that that authenticity could be replaced somehow for me here), I won't ever be mentally sound enough to be my authentic self without my forests and American family.
It's not just a passion - it's in my blood...in the core of my being.
With all my heart and soul I wish it was a passion and authenticity that could be transferred to this location so that I could stay with you, but it isn't something that I can pick up and bring here to me.
Polyamorous...
That's probably what I authentically am...
But I was willing to be monogamous to be with you.
Now that you have realized your authenticity is violin/music AND also revolves around polyamory...and you have to be true to yourself in that regard.............I also realize that I can't be my authentic self polyamorously in this country. I do not like most British girls. I don't 'get' them - they will never be silvan. They are all essentially 'city girls' in my comparison. I don't fit here.
I can't find my Mxxx here. Nor my Pxxx. Nor my Rxxxxx. None of the "other" people that I may need, or have needed during MY times of crisis, exist here on this island.
You are the only one.
So I'm going home.
Where I can follow MY passion of communing with nature. Of living off the land. Of getting off the grid. Of focussing on family life, farm life, free life.
Free from the drama of a multitude of needy friends who take more than they are willing or able to give.
Free from average mainstream culture - except in small metered doses.
I said I wanted and dreamed of all those things in our beginnings and you seemed to agree.
What your passion is and what you need for your personal authenticity may have changed, but mine hasn't.
Maybe you don't even remember agreeing with me about those things - you say you don't even remember the conversation we had about infidelity and the inherent torture of deceit.
But I remember.
And those were the things I based my decision (to come to be with you in the UK) on.
But we don't prioritise those things. We don't grow veg and herbs together in the front garden and in the windows. There's not enough time for that. We don't focus on communing with nature. There's not enough time for that. And we don't focus together on family life and home life. There's not enough time for that.
The house is most often in a state of physical disorder and chaos because focusing on social media and other people and other things is of a higher importance.
You haven't cleaned the cat box in years - even though I specifically said I didn't want cats because I felt that I would end up being the one constantly having to clean the litter boxes...and you assured me it wasn't going to be like that.
Maybe you dont remember that either. Idk anymore.
Your focus is most often 'out there' and thus when we do have time off together your physical, psychological and emotional energy is drained...and you've normally postponed important things that you need to do and so 'our' time together has to slot around those things.
Case in point - you said you shouldn't come hang out with me for a while at work yesterday (Monday, March 4th) because you needed to get things done and practice violin.
Then you didn't do those things during the day and were instead gonna practice violin in the evening.
But in the small space of time that you were at the shop with me you both expressed to me how violin is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to you and yet also explained that you were inclined to go out with MXXX that night (because he was uncomfortable with his good friend BXX's situation and wanted your support/company) ---- thus putting violin on hold.
My "frustration" stemmed from sadness, from feeling hurt that in the same short convo you made it abundantly clear how important violin is for you and yet also were willing to put it on hold for MXXX.
After expressing my feelings in the most calm way I possibly could, you immediately lit into me and could not carry on an empathic conversation in the vein of Option. You invalidated my feelings - said in had no right to them.
And you have repeatedly invalidated my feelings when I was doing what you asked me to do (share, be open, be honest). You regularly interpret my feelings as a personal attack and jump into a self-righteous and vicious defense directed at me rather than having a non-judgemental, empathic and loving conversation with me about those feelings.
It seems to most often devolve very quickly into "I'm right and you're wrong" or vice versa.
Or, worse, "If you don't like it, you should go back to the states".
Over the years you have repeatedly given me that ultimatum.
I will never love anyone as much as I love you. I don't even remotely understand the depths of this love I feel for you.
No one can ever replace you.
But in the words of Patty Smyth,
"Now, I could never change you,
I don't want to blame you,
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's bad when you know it's your heart they can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough."
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