Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.
Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.
The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.
You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.
So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”
It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.
But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”
The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”
“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”
He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”
This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.
“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.
“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”
“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”
“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”
He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”
“About five hundred dollars, sir.”
He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”
“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”
This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.
“So your address and card info?”
He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.
12K notes
·
View notes
˖⁺。˚⋆˙days like these | DR3˖⁺。˚⋆˙
pairing: daniel ricciardo x y/n reader (she/her)
genre: social media au, established relationship
warnings: random fluffy shite
summary: in which you're so active on social media and your fans eat it up
a/n: kind of the daniel version of This Fic i made from a lando request !!!
my masterlist
twitter ->
instagram ->
yourusername
liked by danielricciardo, maxverstappen1, and 332,782 others
yourusername your favs
tagged: danielricciardo
view all 3,193 comments
maxverstappen1 neither of you are my favourites
yourusername you stink + no one asked + ratio + my bf is hotter than urs
maxverstappen1 what are you saying to me right now
yourusername you heard me
danielricciardo hahahahah
maxverstappen1 daniel tell your girlfriend to leave me alone please
yourusername this is literally my post
user3 y/n is the funniest & best wag tbh she's literally right she is our fav
user4 im in love with u
danielricciardo wow you are gorgeous and amazing
yourusername i know right
user5 i love them so bad
twitter ->
instagram ->
danielricciardo
liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris, and 881,034 others
danielricciardo girl is always eating
tagged: yourusername
view all 12,729 comments
yourusername what is wrong with you
danielricciardo huh??
yourusername WHY WOULD YOU POST THESE UGLY ASS PICS OF ME
danielricciardo wtf you literally look hot as hell
maxverstappen1 😂😂😂
yourusername i know you aint laughing at me sloth verstappen
maxverstappen1 🤐🤐🤐
user9 how can someone still look this hot whilst eating
user10 omg i love her
user11 now this is why she's everyone's fav wag
user12 reason 10292 more like
francisca.cgomes how did you bag such a hottie
danielricciardo ask myself this everyday
yourusername OMG KIKA im blushing
danielricciardo wow she doesnt care when i compliment her
francisca.cgomes what can i say 🤷♀️
twitter ->
instagram ->
yourusername
liked by pierregasly, danielricciardo, and 289,061 others
yourusername beach day with my gf
tagged: francisca.cgomes
view all 6,293 comments
pierregasly ???
yourusername and what do u want
pierregasly my girlfriend back?
yourusername not right now, sorry
francisca.cgomes the girls are fighting over mee
user16 I LOVE THEMMM OMG
user17 wag besties 🥹
francisca.cgomes i love u
yourusername i love you
danielricciardo so this is why u didnt text me back today
yourusername I DROPPED MY PHONE IN THE SEA OK
maxverstappen1 😂😂😂
yourusername next time i see u it's on site
maxverstappen1 😰
user18 hahaha max never says a word and still gets roasted
maxverstappen1
liked by landonorris, kellypiquet, and 917,892 others
maxverstappen1 Cool 😎
view all 11,013 comments
user19 IS THAT DANIEL & Y/N IN THE LAST SLIDE
user20 LOL more comments about y/n than max himself
kellypiquet ❤️❤️
liked by maxverstappen1
user29 Y/N Y/N Y/N Y/N ‼️
yourusername obsessed with my man much
maxverstappen1 i'll block you
yourusername booooooo max verstappen booooooooo tomatoes tomatoes
danielricciardo be nice y/n
yourusername no
maxverstappen1 what is wrong with her
user30 i cant tell if y/n actually has real beef with max or not 😭😭
user31 surely not hahah she's literally in his photo dump
twitter ->
instagram ->
danielricciardo
liked by yourusername, francisca.cgomes, and 771,829 others
danielricciardo my woman
tagged: yourusername
view all 8,183 comments
user35 bet he's sucking up to her
user36 awww the flower in the plastic cup
user37 the bows on the uggs she's just a girl fr
yourusername i havent forgotten what you said daniel
danielricciardo im sorry for calling you unemployed even though you are
yourusername right.
maxverstappen1 a taste of your own medicine for once
*comment deleted by maxverstappen1*
yourusername i saw that maxverstappen1
maxverstappen1 saw what
user37 boooo we want y/n & daniel fluff
danielricciardo she wont love me anymore
user38 get her some flowers or something daniel
user39 yea man up
yourusername 🤔
danielricciardo give the people what they want
yourusername fine i forgive u. and i love u
danielricciardo ! i love you so much
user40 and the crowd goes wild!!!
THE END ❤️
2K notes
·
View notes
18+ / mdi
content: newrelationship!vernon, miscommunication, afab reader, smut, virgin reader, inexperienced reader, dry humping, fingering, etc.
wc: 3040
a/n: had a thought abt this so i decided to write it. hope u like <3
masterlist
vernon wasn't sure what he was doing wrong.
god, he was just so into you, but he didn't know what to do anymore.
you'd been dating for a bit over two months by now, and it had been perfect. you'd spent almost every day together, never spending a dull moment by each other's sides. and god, was be obsessed with you. he felt like a bit of a loser, with how horribly down bad he was for you, but he couldn't help himself, okay? you were the prettiest girl he had ever seen. it didn't help that you were also the smartest, funniest, sexiest- okay he'll stop now. he still wasn't sure what exactly he had done to bag you, but he wasn't about to question his good fortune.
that was where his problem laid, actually.
despite two months of perfect love (was it too soon for him to say that?), the two of you had yet to have sex - or do anything remotely sexual in general. he'd had the privilege of holding you in his arms as you slept a few times now, and even the pleasure of feeling your lips against his as you endlessly sighed against his mouth when you'd kiss (something that got him going immediately - the feeling of your pliant form against him and your soft lips chasing after his), but he was yet to hit any other base with you.
the sheer desperation he felt for you made him feel terrible. vernon was nothing if not a respectful man. he wanted nothing more than to make you feel as comfortable as possible, never expressing any type of complaint whenever you pulled away or stopped him if things were getting too far for your liking. like last week.
you'd both been on his couch watching a movie together. it was all fine and dandy until you decided to pull his head towards you, suddenly planting a kiss against his lips. you did this quite often, actually. you seemed to really enjoy kissing vernon, something he would never say no to. like any reasonable person, he met you with equal enthusiasm, swallowing your soft moans while he shared a few groans right back into your mouth.
this went on for about fifteen minutes, making him lightheaded at your proximity. his hands were on your waist while yours played with his hair. he had moved you to sit on his lap about ten minutes ago, now having your weight atop his lap while he willed his boner away. it didn't take long for him to begin to get fidgety, deciding to begin a trail of kisses down your neck. your reaction had his breath catching in his throat. he had never heard such pretty moans in his life. it seemed like you were enjoying it as much as he was, tilting your head to the side to give him more room to kiss and suck at. it all went well, until his hands began to wander a bit.
you immediately placed them back on your waist, not giving any other reaction or indication as to why. about ten minutes later when you had finally grown too tired of making out, you separated from one another. you whispered a shy 'sorry' to him before cuddling back into him as you had been thirty minutes ago. he chose not to question it, simply pulling you even closer to his side.
~
next time it happened it was a bit more embarrassing. you'd woken up together after he had stayed over at your place. you had immediately jumped him, kissing him with intensity he hadn't met before. he wasn't an idiot, so he kissed back, taking anything you were willing to give him. it was filthy, really. just a mess of tongues and even some heavy petting over your clothes.
he was so sure this time you'd want more. that you'd finally at least let him have the unimaginable pleasure of some over-the-clothes action. he would give even with some dry humping. he was incredibly hard, which was already embarrassing on it's own. what made it even more embarrassing, however, was your squeak and the way you backed away the moment you felt his hardness against your leg. there were no words exchanged, just widened eyes starting at one another. the silence was only broken when vernon quickly grumbled out an apology along with a short 'i'll, uh, go take care of it. my bad' before leaving the room and locking himself in your bathroom.
after a less than gratifying session with his fist in your tiny bathroom, he came back to you, ears still burning red and eyes meeting the floor.
"vernon, fuck. i'm sorry, i just wasnt-"
"its fine!", he interrupted (very stupidly, by the way), "you dont have to explain anything. did you, uh, wanna get breakfast or something?"
you smiled back at him, seemingly thankful that he had given you an out, "yeah, sure nonnie."
~
next time had been the last one. the last instance that truly broke vernon. it had also been an accident, but a fortunate one at that.
vernon already had a key to your apartment. sure, you'd only been dating for a short time, but in both of your defenses, you'd been friends for a while before that, so this just seemed like a logical course of action. vernon had the tendency to drop by your apartment unannounced. he hated texting and was usually too lazy to call, so he had grown accustomed to just popping by. thus far, it had never been an issue. sometimes you'd be caught off guard, but for the most part it didnt go past you playfully slapping his chest and telling him to make some type of noise in order to not give you a heart attack; advice he seemingly did not take. not even today.
he was too quiet, even to a fault. he walked in, not making any type of noise and immediately seeking you out. you weren't in the living room, which meant you could only be in your room. he wished he could've checked the kitchen or the restroom first. maybe then you could've had more time to prepare, but that's not what happened. what happened, however, was that vernon unsuspectedly walked into your room only to find you pantless, with your hand up your cunt, groaning in frustration at yourself - something that had him tilting his head in confusion despite the sheer shock.
he couldn't really see anything too compromising due to the oversized shirt you were wearing covering your crotch itself, but he wasn't an idiot, he knew what having your hand down there meant. you were touching yourself. and it wasn't going well. you hadn't noticed him yet. his eyes were still wide, gasp trapped in his throat before unwillingly releasing it the moment you looked up, probably having felt his presence.
you jumped back in place, grabbing a pillow to cover between your legs before you started yelling at him.
"v-vernon?! what the fuck?! what are you doing here?"
he stayed frozen for a few seconds before finally snapping out of his trance, eyes still glued to your nether area despite the pillow playing the role of a barrier between his eyes and your cunt.
"uh, i, fuck. im sorry, i-"
"stop staring at me!", you put your arms over your face, covering yourself while also making yourself as small as possible due to embarrassment. fuck, vernon felt so terrible at making you feel ashamed that he'd caught you in the act. he hadn't meant to, truly!
"wait, no! don't- it's okay! i'm so sorry," against his better judgment, he walked over to you, sitting next to you on your bed. you hadnt asked him to leave, and you seemed vulnerable, so he assessed that the best move right now would be to try and comfort you.
you slowly looked up at him, hair a mess and obvious tears on your face. your face was also slightly flushed, indicating that you had been crying out of embarrassment. fuck, that was so adorable.
"you don't have to be embarrassed, it- it's fine. i'm sorry i didnt knock, i shouldve called beforehand like you told me. i know im probably overstepping a boundary here, but we've been dating for a while, i know you dont want to go there with me yet, but theres no need to be embarra-"
'it's not- vernon. i do want to have sex with you.'
"h- huh? you do?"
you did?! had he been reading you wrong this whole time? were you just playing hard to get or something? no, that didn't really sound like you.
you turned to face him, making sure your shirt still hid your naked bottom as you did so, "yes, vernon, i just ... fuck, its so embarrassing. ive just never had sex before ..." you looked anywhere but into his eyes as you said this, clearly ashamed of the revelation.
"i- that's it? you're a virgin? babe, you know i don't care about that, right?"
"it's not just that, nonnie. i ... i've never ...." the second half of your statement was too mumbled for him to understand.
"what was that?"
"dont make me say it again!"
"babe, i didnt hear you, i swear. just tell me, baby, cmon. id never judge you, you know that."
you sighed, now deciding to sit up fully and look straight into his eyes, "ive never had an orgasm."
oh. oh.
"r-really?"
"see! you think its weird! that's why i was so frustrated before you came in. it just- it just doesnt work. i dont know what it is. there's something clearly wrong with me," you were growing more and more exasperated by the minute, "ive never gone past second base with any boyfriend because of this. theyve all thought i was weird or broken or something, i'm just-"
"hey, hey. don't think like that. you're not broken. there's nothing wrong with it. if you dont like sex, that's-"
"but i do, vernon. i want to have sex with you!", you gasped at your own statement as soon as it left your mouth, showing clear embarrassment in your face, but you continued after collecting yourself, "i want to have sex. i just .. i dont know what to do. ive tried everything. there's something wrong with me. im sorry, vernon. i want to be with you so bad, - ive been wanting to go further with you - but i just didnt want to disappoint you like everyone else."
vernon was a bit devastated by your dejected demeanor. had every single ex of yours just given up on you? did they not even try to pull an orgasm out of you? the thought made him sad. then came the thought of you touching yourself night after night only to come out empty handed, with no orgasm nor pleasure to show for your efforts. that thought made him shudder. he thought about how well he could've taken care of you. how well he currently wanted to take care of you.
"baby ... you could never disappoint me. fuck, this whole time i thought you just didnt want to be with me. i- i'm sorry if i ever made you feel pressured. ill do things at whatever pace you want. just ... you're not weird. you're not broken, okay? im sorry anyone ever made you feel that way. im sorry no one ever took their time with you," he was genuinely apologetic over it. he had been thinking with his dick this whole time, not once stopping to consider that you had your reasons; very valid ones at that.
"thank you, vernon. i really appreciate it, really," you replied before pausing, taking a shaky breath before continuing, "you ... do you ... uh .."
"yeah, baby? what is it?"
"do you want to have sex? fuck, im sorry. i know that's such an unsexy way to ask. im sorry ive made this whole situation so uncomfortable. i should've just told you, or maybe just-"
he hummed against your lips as he interrupted your nervous rambling with a kiss, "hmm. baby. don't even worry about it. you didnt ruin anything. and you're the sexiest person alive, i ... i think about you all the time. ill take whatever you give me. anything is more than enough, okay?"
that seemed to make you get a little shy once again, "y-yeah. okay, thank you vernon."
vernon could tell what you wanted. i mean, you had literally told him you wanted to have sex with him. you just seemed to need some help getting there. he decided to save you any further embarrassment (even though in reality, he only found your shy demeanor adorable) and close the gap of your lips again.
he kissed you as softly and sensually as he could, pulling all stops to get you keening against him. within only some moments he was already hovering over you on your bed, your shirt ridden up to show your bare lower half. he began to sneak his hands over your shirt, slow enough to allow you to push him off if you wanted to. which you did. except it was only temporary, taking off your shirt altogether before pulling his lips back to yours, making the kiss grow even more intense.
vernon couldnt help moaning against your mouth the moment you moved his hands to play with your bare breasts, wrapping your legs around his waist and doing your best to incite him into humping against you. he didnt need any convincing, immediately digging his clothed crotch into yours. he fell in love with your soft moans, ones he had never heard before.
"nonnie ..." god, you were going to kill him. he wasnt even in you and he already felt like he was going to explode. but his priority right now was showing you that you weren't broken; that you were perfectly deserving of a mind-blowing orgasm.
"can i show you, baby? can i show you how to touch yourself?" he was completely serious too. he wanted not only to give you pleasure but also show you how to seek it on your own. he pictured you thinking about him when you were alone at night, fingers deep in your cunt as you-
"show me? what do you mean?"
"wanna teach you how to get there. can i?", he sat up, doing messy work of pulling off his pants and taking off his shirt, leaving himself in just his boxers before pulling you to sit up with him. he then guided you to sit on top of him as he sat against the headboard. your back was against his chest, with his arms now wrapped around you.
"nonnie ..."
"yeah, baby? whats wrong?", he was now allowing his hands to feel you up, loving how you arched against him the moment his fingers landed on your nipples, lightly pinching at them while he kissed your neck.
"im nervous ... im sorry, i know its dumb."
"its not dumb. is this okay? want me to slow down?"
"no! its fine. youre- you're perfect. i promise."
"okay. im gonna start now, then, okay?", he allowed one of his hands to sneak down, landing right where your cunt began, "im just gonna rub it for now, okay, baby? we'll go step by step."
"o-okay."
he rubbed at you, stopping by your clit every so often just to hear you mewl his name. he allowed his other hand to stay on your tits in the meantime, figuring that it was a sensitive spot for you that would also help you get there. you were extremely wet too, which gave him the idea that he was doing well so far. he had full confidence that he could make you cum. the thought of giving you your first orgasm did things to him.
"gonna put a finger in, okay? gon-"
"two! i can take it, nonnie, i swear. i ... i can already feel it."
"yeah? two? okay, baby. anything you want."
he had meant to start slow and build up his rhythm, but he was met with your desperate cunt chasing after his fingers every time he'd slow down. he figured you were ready for something more intense, so he began to give it his all.
"n-nonnie! fuck!" you grew limp against him, unable to control your moans of pleasure for him. you were beginning to tighten around him, which let him know all he needed to know.
"i- nonnie, i feel ... i feel weird. its so ... fuck ... its so good, nonnie! dont stop. fu- fuck! please!" you were getting progressively more desperate, specially as vernon began to play with your clit once more.
"cum, baby. wanna feel you, fuck. want my pretty girl to feel good," he pistoned his fingers in and out of you, making sure to curl them perfectly in order to hit that spot.
"n-nonnie! fuck!"
he let out a sigh of relief at the feeling of your orgasm invade you, pulling his fingers out immediately to suck at them in a depraved manner he wasn't even aware he had in him. by the time he was done, your orgasm had worn down, leaving you panting against him.
"that ... shit, vernon."
"i told you. told you you weren't broken. fuck, can't believe none of those assholes never even fingered you properly."
"yeah .. i mean, i also never-"
"shh, baby. none of it was your fault. now you know, right? next time you need it, you know how to do it. or, you know, just call me," you bad turned around by now, still sitting on him but now facing him as he spoke.
"thank you, vernon. im sorry i made you feel like i didnt want you," you pouted at him, "god, i cant believe i missed out on that for so long."
"right? uh, anything else you want me to show you?"
you threw him a flirty smile, sensually running your hands up and down his torso, "i had a few ideas, actually."
his eyes widened, "shit, really?"
"yeah ... there's a few other things i need to learn. teach me?"
he had never been more ready (and horny) for anything else before.
1K notes
·
View notes