Tumgik
#but it is the funniest one he's made sorry
rondo-grazioso · 3 days
Text
some math professor quotes
I just remembered about this draft post i made years ago during a semester when i had maybe the funniest professors ever. I guess now that it’s been a while since i’ve been out of uni it’d be fun to just post these 
Algebra
it’s ok that i’m confused, i’m confused all the time
you can teach a monkey to memorize…well, nothing against monkeys, monkeys are amazing
pray that this is an isomorphism
(TA after realizing mistake) oh noooooo….all the other students….i told them the wrong thing…aaah shit
wow…spontaneous silence
can they smurf better
if you look at the solutions after trying a question only once or twice, it will break my heart
last-minute cramming will be about as useful as bringing your dog to the exam
Calculus
this fucker converges
(every time he writes a complicated equation) what the fuuuuu
fuck the one
you know what bfc stands for? big fuckin cube
mathematics is serious!! we don’t like laughter. no laughter allowed. stop laughing. even smiling is not allowed
(someone’s phone goes off) what was that? probably me
(some weird noise coming from outside) what was that? god is that you
e^x is god’s function. lnx is the devil’s function
*comes in talking in a russian accent*
if you don’t know what the dot product is then…you’re fucked 
(after telling a story about experience working in a mental asylum) you may think i’m insane, but you haven’t seen what insane really is!! i’m perfectly normal 
Analysis
½ is less than 1…somehow
oh, 5 minutes left…well, i don’t really have anything else i want to cover. actually maybe i’ll just write a definition *(whole class goes NOOOOO)* okayyy
(finding out there is 15 minutes left of class) oh wow. i thought this would’ve taken me more time to get through
(after playing around with some faulty blackboards) i’m scared for my life now 
(after being stuck on his own proof) i’m going to take a quick look at my notes, which is already pretty embarrassing 
(after making a gajillion mistakes on the board) i really need to learn to read before i talk 
what do you call this in canada
(TA) *coughs* sorry i’m dying 
(TA) somebody on the midterm wrote “i’m dumb” on this question. that’s pretty irrelevant because i’m dumb and i can do this question 
50 notes · View notes
ourflagmeansgayrights · 4 months
Text
one thing about me is that i do enjoy a good Dad Stede fic or fics where stede’s kids (and mary and doug) are important figures in his life and he has a great relationship with them, i like reading abt stede trying so hard to be a good dad
but at the same time i do not consider this to be stede’s canonical characterization. canon stede is an incredibly subpar dad to his biological children. not only does stede not know how to interact with said biological children when he’s not sharing his interests with them but also it has never once occurred to him that he should do other stuff with them. stede probably doesn’t even realize it’s possible to do anything with his kids aside from play pirates. he also does NOT have the emotional maturity necessary to handle when a toddler is throwing a tantrum, and thank fucking god he got out of there before they reached their teens. in s1 he mostly felt guilty for leaving them bc he did it in the middle of the night without saying goodbye but also because he still felt tied to the social obligations enforced on him by society. he still felt like he had a responsibility to be a Socially Acceptable Man, which includes being a husband and a dad, even tho trying to be a socially acceptable man made him fucking miserable. when he realizes at the end of the season that his kids and his wife are legitimately better off without him he leaves again without looking back.
and mark my fucking words he is never seeing those kids again. he said “two messed up kids, probably” so he’s at least somewhat aware that running out on his kids like that will most likely cause lasting psychological damage, but by god his children’s abandonment issues are not his problem. doug and mary can worry about that, he left them plenty of money to afford ye olde therapy if they need it down the line. and louis might’ve said “who are you, again?” but the truth is that stede only knew louis was his son bc he was sitting for breakfast inside stede’s house. that man could not pick his kids out of a lineup if his life depended on it. to quote @jaskierx, stede said “two messed up kids, probably” as in “my kids are messed up. and i think there were two of them”
152 notes · View notes
carlyraejepsans · 2 months
Text
i don't think I've ever enjoyed a birthday party with friends as much as today i am genuinely getting a bit teary eyed
91 notes · View notes
texeoghea · 11 months
Text
Tumblr media
i found my sketchbook guys. returning to my roots
97 notes · View notes
phoenixcatch7 · 10 months
Text
Man I am just SO CONFUSED. About the time line of this game.
No one is telling me how long links been gone! Or how long the botw-totk timeskip was! They all just started selling my stuff again lol. I'm going to have to get everything redyed!
Me: hey random stranger! Lore dump? You look like a lore dumper.
Kindly npc: why hullo there, link ^^! My, I haven't seen you in a while since the calamity ended! I was so worried when they said you and the princess had gone missing! But it's good to see you're well.
Me: aw, thanks. How long has it actually been tho.
Kindly npc: ^u^
#Having a great time btw I've just been chased across a near sea of miasma by stal riders and more! 10/10 nearly died in a high speed chase#Made it out relatively unscathed which is truly amazing lmao#Spoilers ahead: I have had the funniest time doing the great plateau quest chain. Once I sucked it up and made nice with the creepy statue.#He's(?) been alright. Fair trader. Good deals. I've mostly been terrorising kohga in between absolutely failing to craft working vehicles X#His new boss fights are so much easier than the first one lol. Less fun I'll admit but the music is groovy. You can probably make a#Machine and try and dog fight him but with few exceptions the turning circles are decrepit so I just stuck to mild dodging and shooting him#And running over to hit him some more. Kinda bland for a boss fight I'll say. Could have done with a lot more pizazz. It's kohga come on.#Anyway I do feel kinda bad because apparently he's been stuck down there for however many months/years and I AM kinda cheating with the arm#After the first fight he fled to the gerudo mine and the steward very nicely showed me how to get there but never underestimate#My procrastination because I'd already found it by just exploring so I just teleported. In game it must have been terrifying lmao#Racing across an endless void filled only by the light of your rapidly running out of battery glider and the red glow of the gloom away fro#The apparently immortal ancient warrior who beat you up and tossed you down there and there's no sign of perusal so you're probably safe#But you get there and he's already sitting there poking some bananas having wiped out your goons and plundered your supplies.#Like sorry man but the arm comes with the hero territory I can't exactly take it off.#Maybe if you stopped terrorising the people purah would let you have one of her long distance teleportation slates. It comes with photos?#It can't have been long since botw link hasn't grown an inch XD. Also I've been turning the lore timeline over in my head and still no idea#Are we not sure Rauru isn't from some alternate timeline that got fused with the main loz timeline by accident??#loz#legend of zelda#totk#loz totk#tears of the kingdom#loz tears of the kingdom#totk spoilers
55 notes · View notes
p4nishers · 6 months
Text
can we actually take a moment and remember swan upon leda? can we actually shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down and think about our lord and savior swan upon leda because i'm tired of doing it alone every single day guys
#the title itself!!! THE FUCKING TITLE#swan UPON leda#god he's an actual genius THANK U HOZIER SO FUCKING MUCH#i hate how that myth is portrayed and received and objectified bc they make it out to be such a funny little chuckle story like 'hahaha led#is SO easy that she fell for a swan isn't that actually the funniest thing you've ever heard omg like women are literally so easy to please#whatever whatever blahblahblah yes that's fucking hilarious matthew thank u SO much for that absolutely fascinating commentary on a women#getting raped by a god really truly an amazing insight into ur pea fucking brain#like fuck sorry but i just absolutely despises how this myth is made out to be and i remember learning abt it in class and being literally#nauseated bc guess fucking what it's literally not hard to understand wtf is happening and while u r laughing away about i repeat a WOMEN#getting RAPED some fucking of us have brain enough to be mortified#jesus ANYWAY#hozier dropped that song after roe v wade was over turned and i just i love him so fucking much he cares SO MUCH and before anything else#he's an activist and he actually gives a shit about women's rights and he dropped this song as a comfort as something to hold onto but also#as a social commentary and he linked charities and resources to help women and keep them safe and this song just means everything to me#bc greek mythology often gets reduced to children stories bc most ppl know myths from children books and obviously a book for kids not gonn#outloud say the word rape or even imply that that's what's happening and that's fine ig but bc so many ppl know it from there it gets#reduces to a joke and a raped women gets ridiculed but hozier actually took one of the few poems about leda being raped and it being a rape#at all and made it into a song during a time that was so traumatizing for ever afab person in the world basically and it just says 'i see#you i see what you're going through and i'm listening and i actually care and i want to help you' and he's helping by writing a song yes bc#he's spreading the word that way bc that's how movements are spread and people listen to him when he's singing and that's how he helps and#i did i mention that i love him? bc i'd actually do anything for him and to meet him and tell him how much he fucking means to me#the line that always gets me is 'a crying CHILD pushes a CHILD into the night' bc yes she was a fucking child who had to deliver 4 KIDS BC#AN ASSHOLE DECIDED SHE WAS PRETTY ENOUGH TO FUCK and nobody ever cares that she was just a child and her child helen was just a child when#she was abducted and raped and impregnated (JUST LIKE HER MOTHER) by theseus a supposed great hero and im genuinely sick she was just a#child like so many women or girls in greek mythology and ik it was a different time back then or wtv but they were just GIRLS and nobody#cared about that or cares now. but this song does.#bc of course it does it's hozier.#hozier#swan upon leda
23 notes · View notes
koiryuu · 6 months
Text
i watched the 2007 rgg movie tonight just to see what its like and i have a lot to say about it but for now i just doodled my favorite scene bc i could not handle it
Tumblr media Tumblr media
9 notes · View notes
marklikely · 1 year
Text
i dont want to downplay how much of a truly awful person she is but communismkills really gave us some of the funniest moments in all of tumblr history
36 notes · View notes
naggingatlas · 1 year
Text
you dont think its possible to feel like youre having a heart attack from a deltarune animation set to living fucking tombstone wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong
#^ read wrong the way wayne says years inside the ring years inside the ring in the sweepstakes#the hyperlink one. its the hyperlink one the other one sucks gallons of ass in comparison im so sorry to the creator im typing w my nerve#endings#like i saw it and was like oh cute its that song i liked a couple years ago yea it fits him ^u^ cool outro BUT#THEY DIDNT INCLUDE THE PART THAT JUST. COMPLETELY RIPS YOU TO SHREDS DUDE LIKE IM SWEATING THINKING ABOUT#IF I FALL I THINK ILL FLY. TOUCH ME. MIDAS. MAKE ME PART OF YOUR DESIGN. NONE TO. GUIDE US. I FEEL FEAR FOR THE VERY LAST TIME *AND*#ITS THE FUCKING SNEO BATTLE. LIKE THATS ONE OF THE MOST IMPACTFUL PIECES OF DELTARUNE FANART THATRE POSSIBLE TO CONCEIVE.#AND THE SOUND DESIGN AND INTERPRETATION OF SNEO'S ATTACKS INTO A MORE PHYSICAL PALPABLE SETTING ITS total schizo mode activation#i saw it when i woke up today (4hoursago) and having gotten to the sneo fight just before bed yesterday it made my whole body tense up and#i just had to go try beat him again. and i did w sound off listening to ordinary life. and i added 3 more stages to my average score#did not fucking beat him obv both the secret bosses are insanely difficult for a mediocre bullethell player but.#really boosted my confidence. i gave jevil off to danny for him to beat. i want to beat spam myself. i need to#honestly dont get people who dislike spam unless theyre only familiar w like. the fanon interpretation or whatever its absolute garbage#a lot of the time but in game. hes just the funniest most peculiar fucking character as everyone in deltarune is. yea hes overhyped but#for a reason baby. hes well written in the parts that we dont see and well executed in the parts we encounter. everything surrounding him#is just so beautifully purposefully out of place and uneasy and psychotic its beautiful. how the fuck can u say he's boring. how.#i adore toby's decision to make this chapter's secret boss much more prominent than jevil i hope they get some interaction as effed up#roomies of kris's pocket lint. not in a shippy way tho thatd be hilarious but just. oh ure kinda like me huh. mb we could be friends#and then they turn into a cartoon fight cloud and u randomly hear their screams when checkin the inventory#but seriously making them at least amicable towards each other would carry a lot of meaning & strengthen the#'if freedom is being completely cut off from society and more importantly your friends for the rest of ur life is it really worth it#for just a glimpse of heaven of ultimate knowledge or maybe peace' narrative of jevil and spam#honestly i think the fact that u probably have to seek out the secret bosses to get the best true ending and that theyre so so#much harder than anything else in their chapters and that theyre all connected to gaster and it makes me think#they carry much of the burden of deltarune's subtext's meaning i mean the subtext carries onto the text onto the main gang's#realtionships uhmmmmmm idk i have to work ill prolly. make a post about this when im finished w everything. and a comic about the sbs.
7 notes · View notes
neurodiversebones · 2 years
Note
Why does the early season have the best quotes? Like the delivery was just so good! The chemistry!
I did one time matched that energy and delivery on accident. A solicitor came to my (dead) grandfather's house and asked for the homeowner and my sister and I looked him dead in the eye and said "he's dead"
My sister and I are redheads and look like twins.
He never came back to that house.
GSJDKHFSK i had multiple experiences like this with teachers after my friend died DAYS before i started highschool- very funny quotes to me but absolutely NOT funny to them . (tw for mentioning uh . Child Death . these are funny i promise)
(at parent-teacher interview barbecue, second week of grade nine. i am infodumping to my science teacher about gene therapy research because he asked me about my topic for an assignment. he mentions something about gene therapy medications for cystic fibrosis.)
me: oh! my friend did that!
grade 9 science teacher: oh! where is she going now? (referring to schools)
me: uh . an urn . :-)
---
(second day of my cycle 2 classes [first friday of the school year], second period english. i walk in late.)
grade 9 english teacher, in front of the whole class: and why did you miss the first day of class?
me: oh, i had personal reasons
teacher, who is a VINDICATIVE BITCH: and what were those reasons?
me, trying not to Scream: they . were personal :-)
teacher, still in front of the ENTIRE CLASS: and was it really worth missing the first day of class for?
me, a spiteful bitch who loves to make things awkward: if you need to know, i was actually at my best friends funeral :-) i have pictures if you want proof!
she raised her eyebrows and went SILENT for a good 15 seconds before completely moving on :-) i do not feel bad at all it was hilarious
8 notes · View notes
hugepolecat3298 · 2 years
Text
i understand haruka got android girl because it’s the sequel to two breaths walking because if deco goes 6 months without making a sequel or remaster he explodes but i dont think he will make it sound good i have the least faith in him that you could possibly imagine. sorry mr horie
6 notes · View notes
oflgtfol · 1 year
Note
I love both Flash and Eddie but admittedly I'm a little more Flash biased; he's been around like 25-30 years longer so he's just had more?? Stuff? He's such a sweetheart even in the older comics, Peter yells at him because he keeps thinking Flash is trying to steal Gwen from him (he's not but he and Gwen think its funny). He exclusively dates girls that have kissed Peter. He spends at least 15 years walking around joined at the hip with Harry Osborn. He gives toddlers piggyback rides. Meanwhile Eddie initially endeared himself to me through the sheer hilarity of his first credited appearance being 'hand that pushes Peter Parker onto train tracks' and his speech patterns. Pre-2000s Flash and Eddie are both chaotic and obsessed with Spider-Man but in distinctly different ways. Mac lacks any of that depth/interesting personality/really anything memorable.
OK yeah i can see a preference for flash for somebody who reads spiderman comics for spiderman and friends. but i only ever read spiderman comics - marvel comics as a whole really - for venom. and that started with eddie. so like, for me, in my own mind, in my own comics experience, eddie has been around longer than flash. and then my first major exposure to flash was through venom 2011 where he was complicit in the symbiote's containment, drugging into submission, forced military service, etc. so. Yknow. complicated feelings there
but the only thing i remember about mac is that one panel in thunderbolts 1997 where they frame venom as some sort of demonic possession type thing and mac's like ohhh woe is me im a victim wah or whatever. like rolls my eyes. get over yourself. complicated feelings about flash aside, at least he isn't That
4 notes · View notes
foldingfittedsheets · 1 month
Text
Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.
Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.
The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.
You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.
So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”
It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.
But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”
The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”
“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”
He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”
This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.
“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.
“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”
“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”
“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”
He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”
“About five hundred dollars, sir.”
He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”
“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”
This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.
“So your address and card info?”
He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.
12K notes · View notes
shortace · 11 months
Text
Just on a whim, because I know that Alcibiades is one of the weirdest and funniest characters in ancient Greek history, I asked ChatGPT "What's the weirdest thing Alcibiades ever did?"
ChatGPT came back with the details of something Alcibiades (henceforth referred to as 'Alci' so I don't have to keep typing it out) was accused of, but acquitted of.
When I pointed out that he had been acquitted and may not have actually done this thing, Chat GPT apologised and said, "yes, he was acquitted", and then went on to tell me that, nonetheless, the event was significant because it made Alci flee the city.
Alci did not flee the city, he was sent away on a military expedition, which was exactly what he'd wanted and asked for. When I pointed that out, ChatGPT apologised again for being wrong.
I asked again for weird things he might actually have done, and was told one version of a story I've heard before about how Alci stole some stuff from a friend. ChatGPT's version was different from what I'd heard, though, so I mentioned that, and only then did ChatGPT acknowledge that there were different versions of the story. As part of its apology and correction, ChatGPT said that it did not always have access to all information - but then proceeded to provide details of the version of the story I'd heard before, showing that it did, in fact, have access to that information.
I asked again, what is the weirdest thing Alcibiades ever did? ChatGPT gave me an answer, which was a story I'd never heard before, so I asked for a source. ChatGPT told me it was in Plutarch's Lives, and I presumed it was in his Life of Alcibiades, so that's where I looked. When I said I couldn't find it there, ChatGPT told me, sorry for not being specific, it was actually in Plutarch's Life of Nicias. So I went and read Plutarch's Life of Nicias and couldn't find it.
So I told ChatGPT that I couldn't find the story in that book, could it please be more specific? What I was hoping for was a chapter or page number or something, I just presumed I'd missed it.
ChatGPT came back with "no, actually it's not in that book, it may be a later invention, there is no concrete evidence for this story."
TL;DR: ChatGPT cannot be trusted. Even when it does give you a source, it can be wrong. It has no capacity to evaluate the accuracy or likely accuracy of the information it gives you. It will present you with wrong or debatable information and give you absolutely no indication that it may not be correct, or that other versions or interpretations are possible.
13K notes · View notes
maplesyrupsainz · 3 months
Text
˖⁺。˚⋆˙days like these | DR3˖⁺。˚⋆˙
pairing: daniel ricciardo x y/n reader (she/her)
genre: social media au, established relationship
warnings: random fluffy shite
summary: in which you're so active on social media and your fans eat it up
a/n: kind of the daniel version of This Fic i made from a lando request !!!
my masterlist
Tumblr media
twitter ->
Tumblr media
instagram ->
yourusername
Tumblr media
liked by danielricciardo, maxverstappen1, and 332,782 others
yourusername your favs
tagged: danielricciardo
view all 3,193 comments
maxverstappen1 neither of you are my favourites
yourusername you stink + no one asked + ratio + my bf is hotter than urs
maxverstappen1 what are you saying to me right now
yourusername you heard me
danielricciardo hahahahah
maxverstappen1 daniel tell your girlfriend to leave me alone please
yourusername this is literally my post
user3 y/n is the funniest & best wag tbh she's literally right she is our fav
user4 im in love with u
danielricciardo wow you are gorgeous and amazing
yourusername i know right
user5 i love them so bad
twitter ->
Tumblr media
instagram ->
danielricciardo
Tumblr media
liked by maxverstappen1, landonorris, and 881,034 others
danielricciardo girl is always eating
tagged: yourusername
view all 12,729 comments
yourusername what is wrong with you
danielricciardo huh??
yourusername WHY WOULD YOU POST THESE UGLY ASS PICS OF ME
danielricciardo wtf you literally look hot as hell
maxverstappen1 😂😂😂
yourusername i know you aint laughing at me sloth verstappen
maxverstappen1 🤐🤐🤐
user9 how can someone still look this hot whilst eating
user10 omg i love her
user11 now this is why she's everyone's fav wag
user12 reason 10292 more like
francisca.cgomes how did you bag such a hottie
danielricciardo ask myself this everyday
yourusername OMG KIKA im blushing
danielricciardo wow she doesnt care when i compliment her
francisca.cgomes what can i say 🤷‍♀️
twitter ->
Tumblr media Tumblr media
instagram ->
yourusername
Tumblr media
liked by pierregasly, danielricciardo, and 289,061 others
yourusername beach day with my gf
tagged: francisca.cgomes
view all 6,293 comments
pierregasly ???
yourusername and what do u want
pierregasly my girlfriend back?
yourusername not right now, sorry
francisca.cgomes the girls are fighting over mee
user16 I LOVE THEMMM OMG
user17 wag besties 🥹
francisca.cgomes i love u
yourusername i love you
danielricciardo so this is why u didnt text me back today
yourusername I DROPPED MY PHONE IN THE SEA OK
maxverstappen1 😂😂😂
yourusername next time i see u it's on site
maxverstappen1 😰
user18 hahaha max never says a word and still gets roasted
maxverstappen1
Tumblr media
liked by landonorris, kellypiquet, and 917,892 others
maxverstappen1 Cool 😎
view all 11,013 comments
user19 IS THAT DANIEL & Y/N IN THE LAST SLIDE
user20 LOL more comments about y/n than max himself
kellypiquet ❤️❤️
liked by maxverstappen1
user29 Y/N Y/N Y/N Y/N ‼️
yourusername obsessed with my man much
maxverstappen1 i'll block you
yourusername booooooo max verstappen booooooooo tomatoes tomatoes
danielricciardo be nice y/n
yourusername no
maxverstappen1 what is wrong with her
user30 i cant tell if y/n actually has real beef with max or not 😭😭
user31 surely not hahah she's literally in his photo dump
twitter ->
Tumblr media
instagram ->
danielricciardo
Tumblr media
liked by yourusername, francisca.cgomes, and 771,829 others
danielricciardo my woman
tagged: yourusername
view all 8,183 comments
user35 bet he's sucking up to her
user36 awww the flower in the plastic cup
user37 the bows on the uggs she's just a girl fr
yourusername i havent forgotten what you said daniel
danielricciardo im sorry for calling you unemployed even though you are
yourusername right.
maxverstappen1 a taste of your own medicine for once
*comment deleted by maxverstappen1*
yourusername i saw that maxverstappen1
maxverstappen1 saw what
user37 boooo we want y/n & daniel fluff
danielricciardo she wont love me anymore
user38 get her some flowers or something daniel
user39 yea man up
yourusername 🤔
danielricciardo give the people what they want
yourusername fine i forgive u. and i love u
danielricciardo ! i love you so much
user40 and the crowd goes wild!!!
THE END ❤️
2K notes · View notes
hannieehaee · 4 months
Text
18+ / mdi
Tumblr media Tumblr media
content: newrelationship!vernon, miscommunication, afab reader, smut, virgin reader, inexperienced reader, dry humping, fingering, etc.
wc: 3040
a/n: had a thought abt this so i decided to write it. hope u like <3
masterlist
vernon wasn't sure what he was doing wrong.
god, he was just so into you, but he didn't know what to do anymore.
you'd been dating for a bit over two months by now, and it had been perfect. you'd spent almost every day together, never spending a dull moment by each other's sides. and god, was be obsessed with you. he felt like a bit of a loser, with how horribly down bad he was for you, but he couldn't help himself, okay? you were the prettiest girl he had ever seen. it didn't help that you were also the smartest, funniest, sexiest- okay he'll stop now. he still wasn't sure what exactly he had done to bag you, but he wasn't about to question his good fortune.
that was where his problem laid, actually.
despite two months of perfect love (was it too soon for him to say that?), the two of you had yet to have sex - or do anything remotely sexual in general. he'd had the privilege of holding you in his arms as you slept a few times now, and even the pleasure of feeling your lips against his as you endlessly sighed against his mouth when you'd kiss (something that got him going immediately - the feeling of your pliant form against him and your soft lips chasing after his), but he was yet to hit any other base with you.
the sheer desperation he felt for you made him feel terrible. vernon was nothing if not a respectful man. he wanted nothing more than to make you feel as comfortable as possible, never expressing any type of complaint whenever you pulled away or stopped him if things were getting too far for your liking. like last week.
you'd both been on his couch watching a movie together. it was all fine and dandy until you decided to pull his head towards you, suddenly planting a kiss against his lips. you did this quite often, actually. you seemed to really enjoy kissing vernon, something he would never say no to. like any reasonable person, he met you with equal enthusiasm, swallowing your soft moans while he shared a few groans right back into your mouth.
this went on for about fifteen minutes, making him lightheaded at your proximity. his hands were on your waist while yours played with his hair. he had moved you to sit on his lap about ten minutes ago, now having your weight atop his lap while he willed his boner away. it didn't take long for him to begin to get fidgety, deciding to begin a trail of kisses down your neck. your reaction had his breath catching in his throat. he had never heard such pretty moans in his life. it seemed like you were enjoying it as much as he was, tilting your head to the side to give him more room to kiss and suck at. it all went well, until his hands began to wander a bit.
you immediately placed them back on your waist, not giving any other reaction or indication as to why. about ten minutes later when you had finally grown too tired of making out, you separated from one another. you whispered a shy 'sorry' to him before cuddling back into him as you had been thirty minutes ago. he chose not to question it, simply pulling you even closer to his side.
~
next time it happened it was a bit more embarrassing. you'd woken up together after he had stayed over at your place. you had immediately jumped him, kissing him with intensity he hadn't met before. he wasn't an idiot, so he kissed back, taking anything you were willing to give him. it was filthy, really. just a mess of tongues and even some heavy petting over your clothes.
he was so sure this time you'd want more. that you'd finally at least let him have the unimaginable pleasure of some over-the-clothes action. he would give even with some dry humping. he was incredibly hard, which was already embarrassing on it's own. what made it even more embarrassing, however, was your squeak and the way you backed away the moment you felt his hardness against your leg. there were no words exchanged, just widened eyes starting at one another. the silence was only broken when vernon quickly grumbled out an apology along with a short 'i'll, uh, go take care of it. my bad' before leaving the room and locking himself in your bathroom.
after a less than gratifying session with his fist in your tiny bathroom, he came back to you, ears still burning red and eyes meeting the floor.
"vernon, fuck. i'm sorry, i just wasnt-"
"its fine!", he interrupted (very stupidly, by the way), "you dont have to explain anything. did you, uh, wanna get breakfast or something?"
you smiled back at him, seemingly thankful that he had given you an out, "yeah, sure nonnie."
~
next time had been the last one. the last instance that truly broke vernon. it had also been an accident, but a fortunate one at that.
vernon already had a key to your apartment. sure, you'd only been dating for a short time, but in both of your defenses, you'd been friends for a while before that, so this just seemed like a logical course of action. vernon had the tendency to drop by your apartment unannounced. he hated texting and was usually too lazy to call, so he had grown accustomed to just popping by. thus far, it had never been an issue. sometimes you'd be caught off guard, but for the most part it didnt go past you playfully slapping his chest and telling him to make some type of noise in order to not give you a heart attack; advice he seemingly did not take. not even today.
he was too quiet, even to a fault. he walked in, not making any type of noise and immediately seeking you out. you weren't in the living room, which meant you could only be in your room. he wished he could've checked the kitchen or the restroom first. maybe then you could've had more time to prepare, but that's not what happened. what happened, however, was that vernon unsuspectedly walked into your room only to find you pantless, with your hand up your cunt, groaning in frustration at yourself - something that had him tilting his head in confusion despite the sheer shock.
he couldn't really see anything too compromising due to the oversized shirt you were wearing covering your crotch itself, but he wasn't an idiot, he knew what having your hand down there meant. you were touching yourself. and it wasn't going well. you hadn't noticed him yet. his eyes were still wide, gasp trapped in his throat before unwillingly releasing it the moment you looked up, probably having felt his presence.
you jumped back in place, grabbing a pillow to cover between your legs before you started yelling at him.
"v-vernon?! what the fuck?! what are you doing here?"
he stayed frozen for a few seconds before finally snapping out of his trance, eyes still glued to your nether area despite the pillow playing the role of a barrier between his eyes and your cunt.
"uh, i, fuck. im sorry, i-"
"stop staring at me!", you put your arms over your face, covering yourself while also making yourself as small as possible due to embarrassment. fuck, vernon felt so terrible at making you feel ashamed that he'd caught you in the act. he hadn't meant to, truly!
"wait, no! don't- it's okay! i'm so sorry," against his better judgment, he walked over to you, sitting next to you on your bed. you hadnt asked him to leave, and you seemed vulnerable, so he assessed that the best move right now would be to try and comfort you.
you slowly looked up at him, hair a mess and obvious tears on your face. your face was also slightly flushed, indicating that you had been crying out of embarrassment. fuck, that was so adorable.
"you don't have to be embarrassed, it- it's fine. i'm sorry i didnt knock, i shouldve called beforehand like you told me. i know im probably overstepping a boundary here, but we've been dating for a while, i know you dont want to go there with me yet, but theres no need to be embarra-"
'it's not- vernon. i do want to have sex with you.'
"h- huh? you do?"
you did?! had he been reading you wrong this whole time? were you just playing hard to get or something? no, that didn't really sound like you.
you turned to face him, making sure your shirt still hid your naked bottom as you did so, "yes, vernon, i just ... fuck, its so embarrassing. ive just never had sex before ..." you looked anywhere but into his eyes as you said this, clearly ashamed of the revelation.
"i- that's it? you're a virgin? babe, you know i don't care about that, right?"
"it's not just that, nonnie. i ... i've never ...." the second half of your statement was too mumbled for him to understand.
"what was that?"
"dont make me say it again!"
"babe, i didnt hear you, i swear. just tell me, baby, cmon. id never judge you, you know that."
you sighed, now deciding to sit up fully and look straight into his eyes, "ive never had an orgasm."
oh. oh.
"r-really?"
"see! you think its weird! that's why i was so frustrated before you came in. it just- it just doesnt work. i dont know what it is. there's something clearly wrong with me," you were growing more and more exasperated by the minute, "ive never gone past second base with any boyfriend because of this. theyve all thought i was weird or broken or something, i'm just-"
"hey, hey. don't think like that. you're not broken. there's nothing wrong with it. if you dont like sex, that's-"
"but i do, vernon. i want to have sex with you!", you gasped at your own statement as soon as it left your mouth, showing clear embarrassment in your face, but you continued after collecting yourself, "i want to have sex. i just .. i dont know what to do. ive tried everything. there's something wrong with me. im sorry, vernon. i want to be with you so bad, - ive been wanting to go further with you - but i just didnt want to disappoint you like everyone else."
vernon was a bit devastated by your dejected demeanor. had every single ex of yours just given up on you? did they not even try to pull an orgasm out of you? the thought made him sad. then came the thought of you touching yourself night after night only to come out empty handed, with no orgasm nor pleasure to show for your efforts. that thought made him shudder. he thought about how well he could've taken care of you. how well he currently wanted to take care of you.
"baby ... you could never disappoint me. fuck, this whole time i thought you just didnt want to be with me. i- i'm sorry if i ever made you feel pressured. ill do things at whatever pace you want. just ... you're not weird. you're not broken, okay? im sorry anyone ever made you feel that way. im sorry no one ever took their time with you," he was genuinely apologetic over it. he had been thinking with his dick this whole time, not once stopping to consider that you had your reasons; very valid ones at that.
"thank you, vernon. i really appreciate it, really," you replied before pausing, taking a shaky breath before continuing, "you ... do you ... uh .."
"yeah, baby? what is it?"
"do you want to have sex? fuck, im sorry. i know that's such an unsexy way to ask. im sorry ive made this whole situation so uncomfortable. i should've just told you, or maybe just-"
he hummed against your lips as he interrupted your nervous rambling with a kiss, "hmm. baby. don't even worry about it. you didnt ruin anything. and you're the sexiest person alive, i ... i think about you all the time. ill take whatever you give me. anything is more than enough, okay?"
that seemed to make you get a little shy once again, "y-yeah. okay, thank you vernon."
vernon could tell what you wanted. i mean, you had literally told him you wanted to have sex with him. you just seemed to need some help getting there. he decided to save you any further embarrassment (even though in reality, he only found your shy demeanor adorable) and close the gap of your lips again.
he kissed you as softly and sensually as he could, pulling all stops to get you keening against him. within only some moments he was already hovering over you on your bed, your shirt ridden up to show your bare lower half. he began to sneak his hands over your shirt, slow enough to allow you to push him off if you wanted to. which you did. except it was only temporary, taking off your shirt altogether before pulling his lips back to yours, making the kiss grow even more intense.
vernon couldnt help moaning against your mouth the moment you moved his hands to play with your bare breasts, wrapping your legs around his waist and doing your best to incite him into humping against you. he didnt need any convincing, immediately digging his clothed crotch into yours. he fell in love with your soft moans, ones he had never heard before.
"nonnie ..." god, you were going to kill him. he wasnt even in you and he already felt like he was going to explode. but his priority right now was showing you that you weren't broken; that you were perfectly deserving of a mind-blowing orgasm.
"can i show you, baby? can i show you how to touch yourself?" he was completely serious too. he wanted not only to give you pleasure but also show you how to seek it on your own. he pictured you thinking about him when you were alone at night, fingers deep in your cunt as you-
"show me? what do you mean?"
"wanna teach you how to get there. can i?", he sat up, doing messy work of pulling off his pants and taking off his shirt, leaving himself in just his boxers before pulling you to sit up with him. he then guided you to sit on top of him as he sat against the headboard. your back was against his chest, with his arms now wrapped around you.
"nonnie ..."
"yeah, baby? whats wrong?", he was now allowing his hands to feel you up, loving how you arched against him the moment his fingers landed on your nipples, lightly pinching at them while he kissed your neck.
"im nervous ... im sorry, i know its dumb."
"its not dumb. is this okay? want me to slow down?"
"no! its fine. youre- you're perfect. i promise."
"okay. im gonna start now, then, okay?", he allowed one of his hands to sneak down, landing right where your cunt began, "im just gonna rub it for now, okay, baby? we'll go step by step."
"o-okay."
he rubbed at you, stopping by your clit every so often just to hear you mewl his name. he allowed his other hand to stay on your tits in the meantime, figuring that it was a sensitive spot for you that would also help you get there. you were extremely wet too, which gave him the idea that he was doing well so far. he had full confidence that he could make you cum. the thought of giving you your first orgasm did things to him.
"gonna put a finger in, okay? gon-"
"two! i can take it, nonnie, i swear. i ... i can already feel it."
"yeah? two? okay, baby. anything you want."
he had meant to start slow and build up his rhythm, but he was met with your desperate cunt chasing after his fingers every time he'd slow down. he figured you were ready for something more intense, so he began to give it his all.
"n-nonnie! fuck!" you grew limp against him, unable to control your moans of pleasure for him. you were beginning to tighten around him, which let him know all he needed to know.
"i- nonnie, i feel ... i feel weird. its so ... fuck ... its so good, nonnie! dont stop. fu- fuck! please!" you were getting progressively more desperate, specially as vernon began to play with your clit once more.
"cum, baby. wanna feel you, fuck. want my pretty girl to feel good," he pistoned his fingers in and out of you, making sure to curl them perfectly in order to hit that spot.
"n-nonnie! fuck!"
he let out a sigh of relief at the feeling of your orgasm invade you, pulling his fingers out immediately to suck at them in a depraved manner he wasn't even aware he had in him. by the time he was done, your orgasm had worn down, leaving you panting against him.
"that ... shit, vernon."
"i told you. told you you weren't broken. fuck, can't believe none of those assholes never even fingered you properly."
"yeah .. i mean, i also never-"
"shh, baby. none of it was your fault. now you know, right? next time you need it, you know how to do it. or, you know, just call me," you bad turned around by now, still sitting on him but now facing him as he spoke.
"thank you, vernon. im sorry i made you feel like i didnt want you," you pouted at him, "god, i cant believe i missed out on that for so long."
"right? uh, anything else you want me to show you?"
you threw him a flirty smile, sensually running your hands up and down his torso, "i had a few ideas, actually."
his eyes widened, "shit, really?"
"yeah ... there's a few other things i need to learn. teach me?"
he had never been more ready (and horny) for anything else before.
1K notes · View notes